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File 132873041584.jpg - (14.22KB , 200x200 , preview1.jpg )
82713 No. 82713
#Single fic #Sad #Death #My first fanfic
Zetch galloped through the streets of Manehatten, his wife Zuri and their foal Eve following close behind. They were being chased by 10,000 Equestrian army soldiers. The family was stopped in an alleyway. The soldiers surrounded them. They all wanted him dead for killing a stallion he never met. "Please, leave my family out of this!" A soldier spoke up. "If they interfere, we'll kill them too." Zetch then did the only thing he could: fight. He started shooting beams from his horn and blowing gusts of wind from his bat wings. The soldiers were too overwhelming, because they knocked him unconsious and carried him away. When he woke, he was tied to 2 posts. He could see soldiers surrounding him, but he saw Zuri and Eve next to him. "Zetch Aplon, your are hereby being executed for the mudrer of Irontin C. Copperfin. Your next words will be your last, so use them carefully." Zetch looks at Zuri's tear-stained face. "Zuri, I want you to know I love you and that I always will, even when I die." Zuri hugged him. "I love you too." Zetch turned to Eve. "Eve, sweetie, daddy's not coming home. I want you to take good care of Mommy for me, okay?" Eve cried and hugged her father. "Okay daddy!" Two soldiers pulled them away. "Is that all?" Zetch nods his head and lets it hang. "Zetch Aplon, prepare to die." Zetch looks at his family and smiles, tears running down his face. The soldier aims the gun and shoots Zetch point-blank in the head. Zuri and Eve start bauling as the soldiers toss Zetch's body into the ocean.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 82723
>Have some line breaks to spread out that wall of text:

Zetch galloped through the streets of Manehatten, his wife Zuri and their foal Eve following close behind. They were being chased by 10,000 Equestrian army soldiers. The family was stopped in an alleyway. The soldiers surrounded them. They all wanted him dead for killing a stallion he never met. "Please, leave my family out of this!"

A soldier spoke up. "If they interfere, we'll kill them too."

Zetch then did the only thing he could: fight. He started shooting beams from his horn and blowing gusts of wind from his bat wings. The soldiers were too overwhelming, because they knocked him unconsious and carried him away.

* * * <--Also, use these things for breaking up scenes / time lapses

When he woke, he was tied to 2 posts. He could see soldiers surrounding him, but he saw Zuri and Eve next to him."Zetch Aplon, your are hereby being executed for the mudrer of Irontin C. Copperfin. Your next words will be your last, so use them carefully.

Zetch looks at Zuri's tear-stained face. "Zuri, I want you to know I love you and that I always will, even when I die."

Zuri hugged him. "I love you too."

Zetch turned to Eve.

"Eve, sweetie, daddy's not coming home. I want you to take good care of Mommy for me, okay?"

Eve cried and hugged her father. "Okay daddy!"

Two soldiers pulled them away. "Is that all?" Zetch nods his head and lets it hang. "Zetch Aplon, prepare to die." Zetch looks at his family and smiles, tears running down his face. The soldier aims the gun and shoots Zetch point-blank in the head.

Zuri and Eve start bauling as the soldiers toss Zetch's body into the ocean.





All in all, there is literally not enough story here to make anyone care about the characters. You don't discuss the conflict, describe the action... all you do is tell us what the nine or so puppets up there are doing.
>> No. 82745
File 132873578361.gif - (1.93MB , 443x269 , NJBVc.gif )
82745
>>82723
>Zetch
>Zuri
>Eve
These aren't ponies names! Well, maybe Eve, but that's still a stretch.

>10,000
Unless you're dealing with time, you don't use numerals.

>Massive text wall
It's... Massive.

>Irontin C. Copperfin
Too pony! Too pony! Seriously, that one is kinda pushing it, wouldn't you say?

Nice to see we're starting off on a good note. Oh, wait, we aren't? It's going to be grimdumb?
Well, I'll just add it to the pile over here...

>could: fight
Words after colons are usually capitalized.

>bauling
This isn't even a word. Points for it being phonetically correct, at least.

>The soldier aims the gun and shoots Zetch point-blank in the head.
Suddenly, present-tense. Also, telly as all hell.

And then everything this Nick said as well.

Have an unrelated pic.
>> No. 83112
Hey look:

1. I'm only fourteen, I'm not good with writing

2. This is my very first fiction

3. Zetch and Zuri are /rp/ characters. Well, so is Eve.

4. I almost used John Stanton as Irontin's name. I'm usually more creative, I had writer's block as I typed this AT SCHOOL.

5. I... I dunno...
>> No. 83113
Oh, you're only fourteen and this is your first story?

Then not bad, 4/5 stars.
>> No. 83114
File 132886343914.png - (29.52KB , 347x406 , Glare.png )
83114
>>83113
Oh, wait. Those are excuses. That actually makes it worse, if you'll believe it. See, I can respect someone being a subpar author. I'm one myself. But when someone gives me critiques, I don't hide behind, "Oh, this is my first story, you can forgive it." I fix my shit. It's what gives me confidence that one day, I might actually be a decent fucking writer.

So no. No one gives a fuck if this is your first story, or if you typed it up between classes your freshman year of college, or if you were born without hands and your friends all call you "Stumps McGee." If you write a story and present it to others, you are implicitly asking for their opinion. If you disregard those opinions without any sort of indication of willingness to improve, though, then you're just being vain and wasting everyone's time.
>> No. 83116
File 132886373475.jpg - (81.00KB , 1280x724 , 660-what-in-the-emperors-name-am-i-reading.jpg )
83116
>>83112
[I have no way to respond to this question without making it ban-bait, so I won't]

First or fiftieth, it doesn't matter to me. That's an excuse, not a justification.

So? That doesn't change the fact that it doesn't sound anything like a pony's name.

And that sounds even less like a pony's name.

Also, I typed some of my best work at school. Again, excuse, not justification.

>>83113
Wha-
>>83114
Oh, you had me worried there for a second.
(Also, you should probably delete your post and remake it so that a mod doesn't swing the hammer. Don't want to see you get banned for being brutally truthful, is all)
>> No. 83133
>>83114
I would agree with you on all points but one: I very much enjoy fics by handless men called Stumps McGee.
>> No. 83136
File 132888206731.png - (55.61KB , 180x300 , rin.png )
83136
>>83133
Stumps McGee...
She...
*sniffle*
She was my very best friend.

I... I just need a minute. Sorry. I'll be right back.
>> No. 83138
>>83136
She had no hands, so she had to use her mouth for everything.

...

Man, she was your best friend.
>> No. 83200
Manehatten was not a quiet city. Even into the late night there was always something happening, usually there were several somethings, and damned if it didn't keep everypony else up until the crack of dawn. But tonight there was only one sound, a low and dangerous thundering of hooves that tumbled through the streets.

If those pounding hooves were thunder, then Zetch was lightning, striving every second to keep ahead of it, yet knowing it's approach was inevitable. Those drumming hooves belonged to equestrian soldiers, more than he had ever seen, and more than he could count in between frantic turns and breathless glances. He knew they were going to catch him, he knew but he couldn't accept it, not if it meant losing them...

Them... his wife, his child. Beside him they ran. He couldn't abandon them. He wouldn't. Only a few more streets and they would be out of the city, they could run, they could hide, they would be safe. but... no... he had taken a wrong turn somehow. what had been a wall on either side of him quickly and abruptly became three. They were boxed in, with no way out but past the ever growing thunder.

Zetch whirled to stand in front of his family, he growled to them with gritted teeth. "Zuri. i need you to take Eve, fly away."

"What are you saying?! They'll kill you Zetch!"

"That doesn't matter now!" Before he could say more the the last wall of their cage was set into place. soldiers poured into the alley, slowing to a a steady mechanical march. At their head marched a unicorn, larger than the rest, decked in grim, grey barding.

"Zetch Aplon, you have been found guilty of the murder of the stallion Irontin C. Copperfin. you will be executed without trial." For the briefest moment the soldier's steely visage softened. "Choose your next words, they are all you have left."

Zetch bared his teeth, tensed to spring, to fight. but instead he turned, knowing that his last moments should be spent in the embrace of his family. Embrace them he did, tears in his eyes pulled them tight against him. voice held tightly lest it crack, he spoke to them. "I love you, i always have, i always will, even when i die."

Eve, barely more than than a foal, sobbed against his neck, clinging tightly. "Daddy, don't leave daddy, don't leave."

He took her face in his hooves. holding it gently but firmly in front of his. tears streamed down his face openly "honey. listen to me. Daddy isn't coming home... d-daddy isn't ever coming home... b-but promise me you'll take care of mommy for me okay?"

"o-okay daddy. i p-promise" Zetch carefully peeled her off his neck and Zuri held her firmly, hugging Eve against her chest to hide her eyes.

Then he rose, not bothering to wipe his eyes, and walked to stand in front the soldiers. "i'm done with my business. now finish yours..."

"very well Zetch Aplon, prepare to die." the gun was placed against his forehead. he heard the click as the round was chambered.

He didn't hear the quiet sobs that continued long after the shot had stopped echoing through air.

>got bored and rewrote this, dunno why, also yeah your ability to name ponies is pretty much garbage sorry.
>> No. 83212
This is a very mean thread.
Please don't be discouraged. It's great that you have the maturity to appreciate MLP at 14, and are trying to join in the amazing creative drive in the fandom.

But this needs to be condemned. It just doesn't feel 'pony' in the slightest, the characters are flat and setting isn't explored. And a bat alicorn OC, too? It's always best to use normal ponies.

If you want to write, then we're all behind you. Try to come up with something a lot longer and more involved, then post it to the training grounds thread. Take the reviewer's criticisms on board, and try again. Everyone has to start somewhere.
>> No. 83216
>>83212
>It's great that you have the maturity to appreciate MLP at 14, and are trying to join in the amazing creative drive in the fandom.
It's a show aimed at six-year-old girls. No maturity is implied or necessary.

>This is a very mean thread.
>...
>But this needs to be condemned.
So, you're saying the same thing as everyone else, yet you feel the need to condemn everyone else's actions. Get off your high horse.
>> No. 83220
>>83136
Well my momma left home when I was three
Her name was Stumps McGee and she didn't leave much for pa and me
Just this old laptop and an empty bottle of brew
But I don't blame her 'cause she run and hid,
But the meanest thing she ever did
Was before she left she went and took my feet...
>> No. 83235
>>83216
Yes, but people between 6 and about 18 usually hate it- the 'eww gay' factor.

And yeah, you're right. I was trying to be nice, but that was a massive implied insult to everyone else. Ah well, back to lurking.
>> No. 83248
File 132891165299.jpg - (83.15KB , 1280x1024 , 132882276390.jpg )
83248
>>83220
>Pic
Good limerick, though.
>> No. 83249
>>83248
that is not a limerick. it is a poem that barely holds to a rhyme scheme.
>> No. 83251
>>83249
And that's why I don't do poetry.
>> No. 83290
>>83249
It's an adaptation of a shel silverstien poem...
>> No. 83291
>>83248
A limmerick, you see, follows an iambic or anapestic meter with the rhyme scheme AABBA and would go something more like:

There once was a man named Stubs McGee
Who had a peculiar fixation with brie
So he called up a friend named Sir Rosencranz
Who, quite sadly, also lacked hands
And asked "could you bring me a wedge, or three?"
>> No. 83304
>>83200
woah. this is actually kinda good. not great but definitely good.
was this your own rewrite or did somebody else seriously just come in and rewrite your whole story?
>> No. 83390
My father has a saying about excuses that I quite like "Argue for your limitations, and they're yours." You want to tell people why you don't do a good job on something? Go right ahead. Just remember that in blaming everything but yourself, you're giving the power to everything but yourself.

I learned a long time ago that it's better to just take the blame for everything you can, good or bad. If you legitimately can't take the blame for it, someone will tell you so. If you take the blame for someone else, that someone will be indebted to you. If you take the blame for something that is your own fault, then you not only look mature for dealing with it, but you also acknowledge your error and can then learn from it. If I blame my failure on exterior forces, I have no reason to change how I act. If it was actually my own mistake that was responsible and I refuse to see that, then I will continue to repeat this mistake since I refuse to consider that the fault may lie with me.


Now I won't lie and tell you that this story is good or, to be frank, worth trying to save. A bat alicorn, non-pony names, and a lack of any real motivation means that this is lacking any elements a good story would have.

HOWEVER.

Persistence is more important than talent. I kept some of the stuff I wrote when I was a kid, and it was without question at about this level. I've since had poems published in the regional newspaper, and nowadays people seem to generally like my writing.
If you want to be a writer, that is completely within your reach. Read a lot, pay attention to what makes a good story good, and write. Start writing as your form of recreation. Try doing it rather than whatever it is you normally do, be it video games, TV or chatting on forums. Just sit down and start writing.
Yes, what you write will suck at first. I don't know anyone who sat down as a kid and vomited forth polished prose. So it doesn't matter where your writing is now, if you want to be a good writer than just keep at it.
>> No. 83414
File 132898289145.jpg - (170.35KB , 1280x800 , 131281675608.jpg )
83414
>>83390
As wise as this advice is, I think the OP has left to go eat some comfort food. Wouldn't be the first time.
>> No. 83428
File 132898949460.png - (267.94KB , 530x529 , OPhasdeparted.png )
83428
>>83414
Here Sturm, I made an image for such incidents.
>> No. 83435
File 132899069376.gif - (856.70KB , 157x119 , 131476790376.gif )
83435
>>83428
Saved.
>> No. 83491
File 132900823887.png - (127.97KB , 634x356 )
83491
Sturm, please be nice, okay?
>> No. 83492
File 132900833745.png - (207.97KB , 1208x1035 )
83492
And the rest of you ponies, too! We've received a few reports from this thread about uncivil behavior.
>> No. 83500
>>83492
Prolly because this isn't a real pony story (E.g. it's just a freakin' human story with 'pony-ish' stuff in it.) and it wasn't posted right. And there are alot of arseholes on here. AND Ion-Sturm loves making jokes about stories, he kinda does it every day.
>> No. 83506
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83506
>>83113
>>83114
Made my day
>> No. 83513
File 132901335780.gif - (39.74KB , 88x88 , hexaod.gif )
83513
>>83500
>Prolly
Does Prolly want a cracker? Yes he does, yes he does!

>AND Ion-Sturm loves making jokes about stories, he kinda does it every day.
Ever here the one about the well-made Alicorn OC? One day, he was with a sober Irishman and an impolite Canadian, when...

>>83491
>Unknown term: Nice
>Initiating Google Define: Search
>...
>.......
>..........
>Definition found
>nice [nahys]: adjective, nic·er, nic·est.
>amiably pleasant; kind:
>DOES NOT COMPUTE. OVERLOAD! WARNING! WARNING! INITIATING IMMEDIATE DIVISION BY ZERO!

>>83492
If what I say offends anyone, I'm sorry that they're too sensitive.
>> No. 83533
>>83513
>backtalking the mod.
>> No. 83535
>>83533
Row, row, fight tha power.
>> No. 83549
File 132902493443.png - (2.12MB , 1920x1080 , 131050789746.png )
83549
>>83533
Me and Fluttershy have an understanding ^_^.
>> No. 83587
>>83513
"Prolly" is a different pronunciation of Probably, as you have most likely guessed. But yes, I do want a cracker...
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