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82888 No. 82888
#Reviewer #Comedy #Adventure
Sorry about previews post, didn't find proper format before, fixed that now :D

Title – The Venture League
Author/Screen Name – Loopy Legend
Email – [email protected]
Tags – Adventure, Comedy,
Synopsis – The Venture League is an organized group of ponies from all over Equestria. They specialize great survival and tactical gear, and adventuring. Simply put the venture League are adventuring ponies for hire, they will do any mission you need of them.
Links - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8893/1/The-Venture-League/The-Venture-League-Chapter-1---Unexpected-Recruit
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xRvsdZzT3PHpcQTBpd17iRc979kkeHpidCHkisrm_hw/edit?hl=en_US
Chapters Reviewed – Only got 1 (Unexpected Recruit)
Comments/Requests – EQD did send me here, pasting their comments.
1) Extremely basic writing. "She said this and this. Then he did that. She did this, and a bird exploded." Your characters aren't showing much personality, honestly. They're not complicated individuals, but are very nearly what we call 'Talking Heads'. You're making your OC botanist pony sound like they're just out of grammar school.
2) Punctuation issues. You really need to go back over this story. You're lacking punctuation in some places and have borderline comma abuse in others.
3) Word choice. Is it 'Wattle Lilly' or 'Water Lilly'?
4) More punctuation issues. You're lacking question marks in some places where they're needed.
I think I might need to completely re-write some of this story. Transition from cartoon scripting to full fledged writing is completely different. My background in writing cartoons kind of shows in my writing style. So any help/review/tips would be very great thanks.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 82890
>We strive to keep the /fic/ board running smoothly and fairly. To make sure all writers have an equal chance to get their first works noticed, reviewed, and commented upon, we suggest that your first post be done on an established review thread.

Did you miss this part of the sticky?
>> No. 82892
You know, you shouldn't post a fic on this Chan, get told to find a review thread, and then post the story up AGAIN. You'll attract the wrath of some powerful names.
>> No. 82896
>>82892
>implying "being a douche" = power

this thing should not be
>> No. 82897
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82897
>>82892
LIKE OURS.
Read the sticky, post in a review thread (well, not anymore since I'm dissecting [and eviscerating] this).

Right, let's take a look at this, ahem, story that has graced /fic/, shall we?

Well, your synopsis pretty much managed to put me off before I was even finished its total of three sentences.
>They specialize great survival and tactical gear
>Wattle Lilly
Is English a second language for you?

It's so telly my eyes are beginning to droop like mollasses off of a teaspoon.

Your very first sentence is a run-on. If you aren't practiced in the art of comma placement, you should read your story out-loud and listen for where you take breaks. That's the best way to get it right until you're confident enough to do it silently.

When a character is addressing another character directly, there should be a comma before their name.
>Your version: “Let me tell you Fountain Pen, price . . . "
>Correct version: Let me tell you, Fountain Pen, price . . "

Yeah, I began to skim so much I realized that there was no point in continuing since I read about one out of every hundred words. You've formatted your story like a normal narrative, but its style is as dry and bland as a script. There's no quick fix to this. If you want to improve your style, take a dose of Published Literature every day for the next few months. Style is something learned by seeing how others do it, and then hoping it rubs off on you. Might I suggest Terry Pratchett?

>>82896
Classy.
>> No. 82898
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82898
>>82888
Nice trips, BTW.
Also, since your main hurdle at this point is style and not mechanics (which, beyond the lack of comma use, isn't terrible, per se), there isn't much reason for you to submit this to a review thread. You could go to the story recommendation thread (please don't make a new one for this...) and ask for some more suggestions there if you don't know quite where you should start.
>> No. 82917
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82917
>>82896
>implying anyone but a moderator has any sort of 'power' on this site.
And while some people may appear to be douche's and could stand to be a bit more polite at times, it doesnt mean they aren't good reviewers.
Sometimes a single harsh critic can do the work of a hundred nice ones.
And vice versa.
It's a balance.
>> No. 82932
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82932
>>82917
>douche's
possessive =\= plural
>> No. 82935
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82935
>>82932
>> No. 82938
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82938
>>82935
I always thought that banana had a mustache... but now I see he has teeth
>> No. 82941
>>82938
I think it looks like a pencil.
>> No. 82948
>>82941
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's a pencil myself.
>> No. 82995
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82995
>>82938
>>82941
>>82948
>> No. 129171
>>82888
where is Geno Blast?
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