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85147 No. 85147
#Reviewer #Training Grounds
Greetings all, and welcome to the Training Grounds, the review thread for all authors, reviewers,
proofreaders, and editors, both newcomer and seasoned veteran. It isn’t the only such thread,
but it’s usually the busiest!

How to submit a fic/find your review: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsHowTo
Casual TL/DR of above guide: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsTLDR
The current list of fanfics: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsQueue
The submission form: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsSubmit
IRC (live chat) howto and rules: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsIRC-Howto
Previous edition of The Training Grounds: >>80754 The sticky (contains important information): >>43232

Some Notes
Do jump in and participate if you can. New reviewers, editors and authors are always welcome!
No one is infallible. If something doesn’t seem right, ask about it! Whether it be about a review you’ve received, a fanfic
submitted, or something about the queue spreadsheet, the best way to solve it is through communication.
If you think you’ve been missed: please remind us with a link to your original post.
Feel free to ask questions about fanfics and writing them!
If you respond to a post: please link to the post you are responding to.
Reviewers: the writers want their work to shine. Highlight faults with gusto. Don’t fear compliments either: if something makes
you smile, a few kind words won’t ruin your review.
Writers: the reviewers love to read, but will often lean towards being critical. Don’t allow it to discourage you; use their criticism
to improve your writing! See “Receiving Critique: Gallant” in The Editor’s Omnibus (http://bit.ly/w2Vuyp) and the Submission
Etiquette Guide

Helpful Documentation
Sithicus Helpicus: Several takes on the same paragraph of text by multiple authors. http://bit.ly/ovOXpn
CerealVelocity's Writing Guides: These focus on spelling, grammar and punctuation. http://bit.ly/pP8OzY
Escher's Hints: A general purpose improvement guide. http://bit.ly/o8voUF
The Review Board: Check this document for the latest list of reviewers and threads. http://bit.ly/rtOSx7
The Editor’s Omnibus: Writing wisdom, wrung from the willing, wrought with wit and worry: http://bit.ly/u6aY7T
Townson University’s Online Writing Support: illustrated assistance in most aspects of grammar,
syntax and punctuation: http://www.towson.edu/ows/index.htm

How to request to be a queue maintainer:
Note: you don’t have to be a maintainer to help out reviewing in this thread. What maintainers do is update and maintain
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2) Email a maintainer (addresses in the “Reviewers / Maintainers” sheet). Say something random in the email, then post the
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3) When you’ve been given editing permissions, you may delete your random post.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 85155
I'm in the pic! :D

>> No. 85156
I'm not. D:
>> No. 85157
File 132951597010.jpg - (53.19KB , 679x631 , 131606436134.jpg )

Uma | >>84001 | 2/13/2012 | | 1/15/2012 | The Rise of Harmony | SpaceKing | >>78010
EJN | >>82384 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/17/2012 | Draconequus | cheezesauce | >>78626
Vanner | >>82439 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/21/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
Vanner | >>82423 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/21/2012 | In The Beginning | Mason al'Cat | >>79176
Vanner | >>82439 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
Casca | >>82869 | 2/3/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Capes | Triscy | >>79713
Dromer | >>83306 | 2/2/2012 | | 2/2/2012 | Real Police Mares of Ponyville | starlitomega | >>81424
Dromer | >>81999 | 2/5/2012 | | 2/4/2012 | A Ponyville Anthology | Mister Man | >>81823
Cassius | >>83369 | 2/11/2012 | | 2/5/2012 | Tales of Earthquake Island | Keyframe | >>81941
Raharu | >>83372 | 2/11/2012 | | 2/7/2012 | Sunshine Forever | Nug TWH | >>82426
Hyperexponential | >>84270 | 2/15/2012 | | 2/10/2012 | Mistaken for Strangers | Evan MacIan | >>83289
Haloperidol | >>85113 | 2/17/2012 | | 2/14/2012 | Through a Mother's Eyes | Lights | >>84168


Sparky | | | | 12/29/2011 | In Fragments | James Corck | >>74834
Anendlessepidemic | | | | 1/10/2012 | Legend of the Five Ponies | Simon o'Sullivan | >>77208
Grif | | | | 1/13/2012 | The Exchange | Solitair | >>77730
TimeForKronos | | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
Grif" | | | | 1/18/2012 | The Last Elements | RavensDagger | >>78715
Chowderhead | | | | 1/19/2012 | Void | Damocl | >>78822
Bidoof | | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendship is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
Seattle_Lite | | | | 1/21/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>79352
Anonymous | | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
Simon o'Sullivan | | | | 1/30/2012 | The Quiet Place | Aynine | >>80806
Chowderhead | | | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
Josh Meihaus | | | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
Exarona | | | | 2/16/2012 | My Choices: Twisted Tales Through Time | Koolerkid | >>84836
Split Infinitive | | | | 2/16/2012 | SRB | iKw33r | >>84977


| | | | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
| | | | 1/31/2012 | The Three Souls | Athlon2736 | >>81058
| | | | 2/1/2012 | The Ballad of Asgard | Harkness | >>81192
| | | | 2/4/2012 | Ponies on a Plane | Tartdefiance | No post
| | | | 2/4/2012 | A Dash of Magic | Zaiker42 | no post
| | | | 2/5/2012 | Enabling | Starwind Dood and Your Antagonist | >>82127
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Reclaiming Ponyland | Margos | >>79897
| | | | 2/9/2012 | The Element of Steam | RavensDagger | >>83057
| | | | 2/10/2012 | The Island of Marecadia | Jtylerg | >>83241
| | | | 2/10/2012 | The Eternal Gift | Josh Meihaus | >>83302
| | | | 2/10/2012 | Neo-Equestria | herpyderpy | >>83329
| | | | 2/10/2012 | A Brand New Reality | OrchestraOfOrder | >>83328
| | | | 2/10/2012 | Moonbound | Warmblood | >>83349
| | | | 2/11/2012 | [Pony-Net] | RavensDagger | >>83551
| | | | 2/11/2012 | A Dash of Magic | Zaiker42 | >>83565
| | | | 2/11/2012 | A Star's Golden Chance | The Zephyr | >>83578
| | | | 2/12/2012 | From Canterlot with Love | Sagebrush | >>83644
| | | | 2/12/2012 | My Little Chrono Triggers Are Magic | Pav Feira | >>83749
| | | | 2/13/2012 | Closer Than You Think | Nitrox Brony | >>83939
| | | | 2/13/2012 | Cloud 9 | Professor Toast | >>83972
| | | | 2/14/2012 | Elysian Fields | Bullets | >>84038
| | | | 2/14/2012 | The Sunseekers | Candypony | >>84220
| | | | 2/16/2012 | Fluttershy’s Shadow: Chapter One - A doubt of a shadow | Broken Logic | >>84691
| | | | 2/16/2012 | My Little XLR | Alkem | >>84706
| | | | 2/16/2012 | Azurite Dawn | Tandyman100 | >>84726
| | | | 2/16/2012 | Caveat Emptor | Brony Z-Ro | >>84357
| | | | 2/16/2012 | Shy of the Night | Kirdus | >>84788
| | | | 2/16/2012 | The Canterlot Music Competition | TheOrchestralBrony | >>85031
| | | | 2/17/2012 | The Canterlot Music Competition | TheOrchestralBrony | >>85108
>> No. 85158
↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A

>> No. 85160
File 132951647982.png - (117.33KB , 422x296 , desert bus.png )
One point. Now do it all again. All two hours.
>> No. 85161
File 132951651972.jpg - (106.03KB , 632x519 , celestia_is_excited.jpg )
You get 30 lives and all the upgrades, but expect to explode soon.
>> No. 85162
A Princess and a Potion, a Curse and a Cure
by Sapidus3

Shipping, and Comedy

After Hearts and Hooves Day, Twilight goes to Canterlot to make a confession to her one special pony. However, when she does, Twilight discovers that Princess Celestia has long been under the effects of a love curse.

Can Twilight Sparkle break the curse and save Princess Celestia's heart, or will she accidentally burn down Canterlot in the process?

A Twilestia story.

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qbRGGk5Em7oJDqqVyLBCjdmvhkH259P6TeLyIyNWfhg/edit

I would just like someone to look at this first chapter. My biggest concern is the characters being OOC (there is one line in particular that I know is more like something Dash would say than anyone else). But all comments are welcome and appreciated.
>> No. 85176
These are the facts:
>>80361 >>80344 >>80232
I emailed the author on Feb. 1 and never got a reply. The GDoc has not been edited since I reviewed it. Currently line 26 in the Old Entries tab.

>>78276 >>77927 >>77446
I emailed the author on Jan. 26 and never got a reply. He has not access the GDoc is posted of his review. I messaged him on FiMFiction around Jan. 30, but he has not logged into that site since before then. Currently line 17 in the Old Entries tab.

Do with these what you will.
>> No. 85188

This is a side story I wrote to get back into the swing of writing after taking a month's break from Millennium Eclipse. Set in the same continuity, only later than where I left off, it's a very short vignette and character piece for one of my OCs.

Link: http://fav.me/d4q0w41
>> No. 85203
>I had landed on top of him, crushing him wi th my own weight.
>wi th
Fix that.

>Me and my brother, my brother and I, travelling the world, performing for nobles and commoners alike.
>Me and my brother, my brother and I
Not sure what you were trying to do here, but don't. It's redundant and unnecessary.

That's basically I can see at the moment.
>> No. 85208

Was going for dramatic emphasis with that part. He is a bard, after all, I figure he should be a little overly poetic even (especially?) in utter despair.
>> No. 85210
Sure thing Brony I'll get to that over this weekend for you. Except I've got a problem. Your Google Doc version isn't public, so I've requested access. Since you say you want actual editing/proofreading done, unless you grant that Google Doc permission I'm afraid I won't be able to do so. I'll send you an email too letting you know in case you don't check in on your own.
>> No. 85214
"The Ballad of Asgard."
Expect shortly.
>> No. 85222
File 132953941504.png - (102.90KB , 500x500 , Coverart-1.png )
Tags: [Comedy] [Friendshiping] [slice of life]

Synopsis: Star Gazer can't get a break. He's always stressed out by his constant studies. But his greatest stress of all come from mares: he turns into a quivering mess around them. Yet he still spends a large amount of the time in the Ponyville Library studying various books. It just so happens he's there one day when Twilight is testing out a new spell. However, things don't go as planned and now Star has to deal with the consequences: a longer mane and eyelashes are going to be the least of his worries.

Ch 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BJb_N_P4CUmZKxBIKaZK_zODHxo8TMB0yYA7Iv5NuPE/edit
Ch 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i6yFwa8D3wjGKji8OupCRaYZ9uDHUXNIMF9_PYUf0h0/edit
Ch 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Mr4-z1F2H4D53kRHm0lq9AKf0tjJp671ooxXI_bAC8s/edit
Ch 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mHPLeWbj9YxjoXCVQymfM0p24iB37ZNlG1NiIJRUOhY/edit

Comments requests:
Pre-Readers at E:D said (I’ve edited since then though)
1.) The original character Star Gazer, later Cloudy Skies, does not come across as a very sympathetic figure. We do not learn much about him before he becomes a her. As a result we are left without any real connection to him as he goes through his travails. If the story were to develop him more as a character before dropping him into the situation we perhaps could better understand his plight.

2.) In the three chapters of the story you've presented to us the plot has only developed marginally. Apart from the gender bending spell itself, which happens in the first chapter, we see nothing of the situation resolving or progressing until the very last few paragraphs of the third where Twilight undergoes the same process. Star/Cloudy's meeting with Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity do not hold the reader's attention. The scenes in the spa with Lotus and Aloe seem very out of character with what we've seen from them in the series. Could not this time be better spent letting us know more about the original character?

3.) There are some errors in grammar and syntax. There's some extra spaces present. The word "complement" is used when the word "compliment" was intended. There's an unusual situation for us pre-readers in that times there's a lack of commas within a quote, which is the opposite of our usual problem of having too many. At other times you use it correctly, such as after "Umm", but sometimes you do not. Please do a check for these errors.
>> No. 85225
On a side note, for you record-keepers: >>85185
Review Acknowledged.
>> No. 85247
File 132954594754.jpg - (38.73KB , 361x500 , Baron.jpg )
The Ballad of Asgard
My doctor says that I have a malformed public duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and I am, therefore, excused from saving universes!

Aa, Celestia; ruler of our land. Isn't she a wonderful creature? Full of greatness, mercy, other good attributes. Surely it has been this way since time immemorial, yes? Do you really believe that? Gullible fool. Like any creature, she has her own skeletons, her own secrets that she wishes to keep buried.

Do you wish to hear them? Well, then; find yourself a seat and get comfortable...

So, a very interesting concept, and it plays out rather well. All we have seen of the great princess is this loving and merciful teacher side of her, and presumably she is a competent leader since we've seen no protests against the government. Exposing the skeletons? Oh, this is something that must be seen.

Structure - Technical:
First thought: "The scene opens with..." See, that first line you have almost turned me completely off to reading the rest of this. This is because it screamed 'Script Format' to me, and a written body of work does not work as a script. Fortunately, I persevered, and you did not repeat this mistake.

Overall, your tenses, grammar, spelling, and such such are fair to midland, but you do have some issues. Dialogue punctuation, for example, needs some work; you seem to have a good idea of what to do, but you do have the occasional mistake or seven.
>"But Twilight," Spike said, examining the page for himself, "This wanted poster..."
>"I'm a student of magic," she said, "I guess you could..."
>"Well, I'm glad that's ove-," his cheeks bulged...
In the first example, you have a dialogue tag breaking a full sentence. This means that "this" should not be capitalized, because it is not a new sentence, but the continuation of one. The second example shows the opposite; you start a new spoken sentence after the dialogue tag, and therefore you need a period after "said." The third has a " - " that indicates the sentence broke off, therefore you don't need the comma. Think of it this way: if the sentence breaks off, the punctuation at the end of it is lost.

I would also recommend the researching of the uses of the semicolon and colon, because there are times when you mess up a bit. I would say, for example:
>"...a common gift. We could both see into..."
The period should be a colon, while in:
>"...function on our own; so, when things..."
The semicolon does not go, because it goes where there is no coordinating conjunction (like 'so,' 'and,' 'but,' and so forth).

There are a few run-on sentences, but a bit of careful rewording could easily fix that. Conversely, you could ignore some of it because that could be the character's natural way of talking.

Now, I really want to say that your chapter breaks are unnecessary and unwarranted. What you have written here is practically a single scene, and how many stories do you know of that break a single scene that often? This could all easily fit into a one-shot single-chapter blitz, and do so very well.

Structure - Story:
Well...there isn't much pacing here, I'm afraid. Asgard just kind of leaps into telling the story with little to no pretense, and all he really does is describe the events as they happened, pausing only to answer the questions by the peanut gallery and to ragequit. Also, it reads more like a scene from a history class than a story. It can work as is, but it does lack familiarization and immersion. It tends to leave the reader sitting back with a "huh" on her mind rather than a feeling of accomplishment or satisfaction. Part of this can be summarized by the expression, "Show, don't tell." You have a lot of tell in this, and little show.

You have this useless thing in there with Rarity, where she is "perceptively disheveled," but it never goes anywhere or has any explanation; it just is. Something like that should either be removed or expanded, elsewise it just takes up space pointlessly.

Not bad, really. Yes, Celestia is out of character, but this is supposed to be a side of her she has been hiding, so it is acceptable. Twilight is quite believable, in my opinion, but there really is no development of Asgard. We get glimpses of him, yes, but I really have no idea who he is.

Honestly? This doesn't come across as a fanfic; this is a headcanon. Not to say this is bad, not by a long shot; this is good material, but your presentation of it is...less than stellar. This is simply a, "Here, I think things went like this, and I am going to present it to Twilight Sparkle and see how she would react."

What I am about to say is going to suck, most likely, and it won't be an easy thing: I want you to rewrite this. I want you to take this and remake how you present it. I want to see this become a story. Take the intro, develop the characters and bring them together, then start telling the whole tale as a flashback. Get into the time, the place, and make it a full story. You can even keep some of the interruptions Twilight gives, leaping back into the present and seeing how Celestia is faring against the onslaught of history and how Asgard regards her now.

As I said, you can post this work in the format it is currently in (with the edits and corrections I have mentioned) and I do not think it unlikely that people will enjoy this; I have seen worse fics than this get good attention. What I am asking, really, is for you to make this thing shine.

I am, I know, asking a lot. Feel free to ignore this review and get a second opinion, but if you don't, do not, I repeat, do not give up. Keep writing, keep learning, and always improve.

I'll be waiting.
>> No. 85285
File 132956177699.png - (190.77KB , 1475x1491 , CursorExcited.png )
This looks short, and the grammar seems mostly clean. Claiming.
>> No. 85311
File 132958263164.png - (199.97KB , 1818x1317 , CursorModest.png )
Your review is in this Google Doc:

tl;dr: I think this works nicely, and can offer only a few suggestions for improvement. Good work.

On the subject of present tense narratives, see Samurai's thoughtful musings at >>71212 >>71216. Personally, I think present tense works decently for this story, but I'm rather more fond of the style than some.
>> No. 85338
Note - this is double-listed in the queue in rows 23 (no post) and 38 .

You've been waiting a while on this - I'll pick it up. Expect a post tomorrow. About time I pitched in again. Been doing too many private reviews lately.
>> No. 85352

Review acknowledged. Thank you. Now to finish the main story. D:
>> No. 85382

Synopsis: Agent Night Shore has just been promoted from his apprenticeship under Sherclop Holmes in the Canterlot Intelligence Agency (CIA). Already, he has his first solo case. It's not just any case either, it's a case directly assigned to him by Princess Celestia. His job? Investigate the communications blackout at the Everfree Mines.


I'm back for round 2! All 150 comments have been dealt with. At this point, I'd like you to focus more so on grammar than concept, but some concept would be great too.

Fyi, this is still a Dead Space crossover. The previous reviewers didn't have any issues with too much blood or gore though, so I think I handled that pretty well. No sudden gore surprises. Thank you in advance to whoever claims this!
>> No. 85386

I'll claim this!
>> No. 85387
Tags: Comedy,shipping

Synopsis: After a failed spell Trixie finds herself in Twilight's body and vice versa. Their effeorts now compose of returning things back the way they were, while learning more about each others lives. Will they be able to return to their own bodies?

Haven't sent this anywhere else yet, but I know I've made mistakes. Comments should be enabled so I'd like a reviewer who will point out my problems as they see them. I know I need to learn to do this myself, but I can't exactly learn from my mistakes, if I don't know what they are.

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ndJR7XnOyDJ-sr6dE_tSDLSzn12g7ksBahNuA-4jC6w/edit
>> No. 85390
File 132960687273.jpg - (44.31KB , 250x229 , everfire.jpg )
tags: [Adventure]

Synopsis: Every couple of years an unnatural fire consumes the Everfree forest. Folks in Ponyville don't talk about it much, and nopony knows why it happens, or when it'll happen each time. Intrigued by the fire's mysterious origins, Twilight Sparkle decides to finally solve the age old mystery. But the Everfree forest has never taken kindly to visitors.

link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e1Zt1qDtJ7Spgkn5KipEWxIB6volardo5pDBGr67Kc0/edit

Word count on the fic is sitting at 6,223 at the moment. If I could get some input on this before the competition deadline it would be a life saver, had 2 pre-readers cancel due to being busy in real life.
>> No. 85391
Whoops sorry just checked the queue list and saw for chapter it just has a date
It's all chapters, sorry if that confused anyone
>> No. 85421
I'll take this one
>> No. 85431
File 132961788312.png - (239.69KB , 621x304 , wonderbolts.png )

Synopsis: Hey. Rainbow Dash here. Fastest pony alive, hero of Equestria, most loyal of friends? You've heard of me. Anyway, Cheerilee and Twilight are kinda ticked off at me today, but I've got a story that'll change their minds. It's all about my Best Day Ever. No, not the Best Young Fliers competition, you've already heard that story. This is about what happened after, when I got to show off for the Wonderbolts and then we all got tangled up with some pirate jerks. Just sit down and listen.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cxPcLr_dIDA3OpM4trVZ5b7BJQRBMWUvOIckoGRmmOQ/edit

26k word one-shot. Adventure-y first-person storytelling framed by what I would like to think are amusing third-person bits. Comments enabled.
>> No. 85435
File 132961856687.png - (138.23KB , 726x893 , ♫Another one Bites the Dust♫.png )

Ok, time to start shall we?

First mistake here,
>the Manehatten streets.
it should be something like, "... Manehatten's streets."
This is because 'the' generally means singular while streets is plural.

>That magical ability was greater than the princesses
Either Trixie is extremely dumb and unobservant, or this is a big mistake. I'm guessing the second. Make it sound a bit less extreme like, "Magic that rivals even the most powerful magic. Because nopony would believe that Twilight in her current form could raise or lower the sun even once, let alone for a thousand years.

>Alas, outside of a miracle Trixie would be left as she was
The word 'alas' sounds like fluff, words that don't really need to be there. There is a difference between words that improve the description and story, and those words that are there to fill up space. This is one of the latter.

> “Hey, watch where you’re going!” shouted a pony, she knocked over.
I think you could get away with getting rid of that comma between "pony" and "she."

>“Miss, I have never seen anyone more sad then you.
Either the store owner has not seen very many sad ponies, or Trixie is much more sad then you let on. If she is truly that sad focus a bit more on that and describe it more.

>“Make yourself comfortable, he said. “That storm looks like it will be here for a while.”
You could combine these sentences into one by changing the period to a comma. Also, please do not forget to change the "T" to a lowercase.

>Trixie sat down into a small couch.
Change 'into' to 'onto'. Also please try to use some variation in your words. Instead of saying 'she' and 'Trixie' all the time, try describing her physical appearance to indicate who you're talking about.

>he said. If you want,
You forgot the " before If. Watch that please, it is quite annoying.

From now on, if I find any grammar mistakes I've already addressed I will show it to you and just say what you did wrong to save time.

>Some nice warm tea sounded delightful right about now.
Show don't tell. This mean that you tell the reader this, you could get rid of it and describe Trixie's reaction more in depth. Inferring is fun, and without it you can't have a good story.

>It was the best drink she had in quite a long time.
Again, show, don't tell.

>“You really must be thirsty!”
No verb in this, try to combine it with the previous sentence.

>Okay then. The spell books
Connect with comma.

> know. Okay?”
Fix with comma

>Well look at that. The rainstorms over.”

>It would make performing these new spells much easier too.”
Earlier you said that as she got closer to the end they became more difficult, and this was near the very end. If she could pull it off, then she'd be able to pull any of them off.

My computer is crashing, I will finish it tomorrow.

>> No. 85442
I got a review outside of this thread, and I think the chapter's looking ready to submit. Since the queue is still crazy-long, I'll make space for somepony else. Mods, please feel free to drop me from the queue. Thanks!
>> No. 85446
File 132962188700.png - (141.52KB , 487x700 , jahyp.png )
>> No. 85447

I'm new to using google doc's so I didn't know that that was nessacary to set it to PUBLIC VEIWING...

-coughs and is blushing-

Sorry again
>> No. 85450
Alas, while I can now view the doc, you have not enabled either my email, or general public in-line commenting.

To enable said commenting you can either add me as an allowed user to the doc, or set the same permission as viewing the doc, to any user with the link can comment on it.
>> No. 85452
File 132962398185.gif - (597.32KB , 300x204 , EpqMC.gif )
>> No. 85455

-sighs~!- sorry... suck at this....?


I'm sorry for all the problems...
>> No. 85469
File 132963384833.gif - (570.33KB , 358x400 , twilightrubhooves.gif )

I need something to sate my insomnia.
>> No. 85496
I'll take a look at the chapter that's available.
>> No. 85508
Quick edit? Your comments are on, so I can do that. Let's MAKE this happen.

[my comments will be by the account "eznpony"]
>> No. 85513
File 132964482397.png - (256.07KB , 700x1000 , Colours Will Fade With Time Cover Art.png )
Tags: Dark, Adventure, Slice-of-Life
Title: Colours Will Fade With Time
Synopsis: Set approximately six years from where the series is at now. The mane-6 have grown apart over the years and inexplicably, they find each each other all together again. Is this the power of friendship at work, destiny or a darker force at play?
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10siasf8R5kGle2X_Ldwt9t6FK9AHb4TYmr-2KbH9QhA/edit
Characters: Mane6, 4 OCs
Status: Incomplete, 1 chapter/26 pages 11k words
Author: Nelrond the AlphaPony

I did send it over to EqD and it was dismissed by pre-reader 23.
[List of Issues]

1) Formatting issues. You have extra spaces between the last letter of dialogue or sentence and the ending period.
>I tried to find the issues for point 1, I couldn't find them.
2) Capitalization errors. Correct: "Hi!" she said. "Hi," she said. Incorrect: "Hi!" She said. "Hi," She said. You do this quite a bit.
>I also checked for this, but I couldn't find them all. I only found a few.
3) Word repetition. You start four paragraphs in a row with 'Apple Bloom"
>I worked on this one.
4) OOC: Mac. Mac would not slack off on the farm work, even with Twilight being his marefriend.
>I chose not to worry too much about the pre-reader's issues with OOC
5) Formatting error. At least, I think it is. It's either that or two ponies talking in the same paragraph when Dash first talks to Pinkie Pie.
>Found that one specific issue, it was fixed.
6) Punctuation error:

As they became acquainted,,
>corrected as well
7) OOC: Dash. She'd never call a relationship with AJ a mistake. She's being downright cruel, and hardly the element of Loyalty.
>Another OOC issue that will make more sense in later chapters.
8) Massive word repetition. You're starting a lot of paragraphs with 'she'.
>This one, I do indeed need to work on.
9) OOC: Fluttershy. Would she really call Luna a stick in the mud?
>Another OOC issue that makes more sense later.

Overall, I see where the reader is coming from and I'm going to hold off on submitting again until I'm three chapters in.
>> No. 85522
File 132965373250.png - (220.01KB , 987x809 , Rarity-whatisthis.png )
Right. Here's my rather brief review on your "little" HiE fic.

Mechanically, you're very sound. Apart from a few instance of purple, there's probably isn't much I can help you with grammar and the like. You even managed to avert the usage of the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome which so many writers (including me) abuse in this fandom. You get cookies for that.

Now on to your plot.
As onej6 have noted in the first chapter, your HiE starts off in a quite novel fashion, having the human in question dumped in a stranger's body, without any clues as to how he got there. However, your fic then suffers the classical HiE problem. Let me sum it up.

Human: Hey, I'm a human from another dimension.
Ponies: K. Let's be friends.

No. Just no. Not only you neatly removed a potential source of conflict, you also instilled a sense of disbelief in the readers. What. So Twilight discovers he's not from around here and they just let him stay in the library? No urgent message to the princess that they discovered something extraordinary? No frantic 'Who the fuck are you?' from the side of ponies? Not even a sense of caution or wariness? What? Instead they treat him like some vistor from a far-off country.

Not only that, James himself strikes me as a dull, bland character. You have given me precisely zero reason for me to care about him. We know nothing about his past, save that it was apparently shit and he was an artist. He also seem to accept the whole situation far too calmly for my liking. I mean, he's already worrying about jobs and bits in the third chapter. Why is he not interested in trying to find a way home? Was it shit? Was it escapism on his part? Nope. None of those question was asked as far as I could tell.

And then there's the whole question of Inkwell himself. Why the flying hell nopony is even concerned that a pony might have been transported to the fucking human world and was replaced by this dulltard? I mean, you even have a letter from his own bloody sister asking where he is, and you made them laugh it off. Laugh. It. Off. Last I checked, a missing pony/person is a serious deal. You need to deal with this. You are missing a great deal of opportunity for character development here.

Add that to the exceedingly slow paced story you just wrote. In about 50,000 words and over 4 chapters, nothing of import have happened. Sure. He angsted about stuff or something. He was a dick to Rarity. Twilight performed some experiments on portals. (I had to refrain from GlaDOS jokes.) That was all. Okay, I may have exaggerated that part, but it is indicative of how yawn-inducing your fic can be.

On a brighter note, you pretty much know your ponies well. I cannot find fault with any of the mane six characterisation. Comedic moments were done well, and I feel your fic is much more interesting when they involve the mane six interacting with each other rather than with your boring MC. Hell, I think you would be better off scraping the human and writing about ponies completely. James feels like a dead anchor to your fic.

tl;dr Well-written. Make something happen, goddamnit. Forgettable human MC.
>> No. 85523
File 132965642090.png - (297.62KB , 900x776 , derp_the_underpable_by_vapgames-d4na40i.png )
I... I can't. I just can't. Note to maintainers: It may be best to leave this in the queue where it is. I doubt my review here will be useful, but it's all I can get myself to do. I only got a couple pages in before giving up on the idea of reviewing this fic.

I can hardly comprehend what I'm reading, let alone offer you the help you need to work on the story ideas. I'll list the main problems here, but I'm going to suggest you content yourself with whatever praise you've gotten already. As it stands, you'd need just about a complete rewrite in order to get this onto EqD, and I didn't even finish chapter one.

I get the feeling English isn't your first/native language, and if so I don't think this translated very well.

Warden's perceived issues:
1. Your sentence structuring is entirely too weird to read at a comfortable pace. It makes it nearly impossible to understand, and is far from standard English fare.

2. Hook. You spend so long agonizing over every detail of this OC alicorn Terra before readers can get to know or care about him. You infodump that he's in a self-imposed imprisonment but fail to convey emotionally what that really means.

3. LUS. You have descriptive identifiers like "the brown alicorn" that tend to bore readers and sound cheesy and inelegant all at once.

4. Narrator. I see you're going for a 3rd person omniscient, and while that's not really bad, I'm not a fan of the style, and that didn't really help.

5. Passive voice. Everything in the story so far just seems to happen. Your character doesn't seem like he's actively participating in the story. Thing just happen.

6. Overlong descriptions. You get tangled up with adding extra clauses to your description, while at the same time making those clauses too detailed and full of verbs, while using transitions like while quite poorly.

You have an interesting premise, but I don't think your writing does your ideas justice. I can piece things together, but it's thought-intensive work to simply understand what's on the page.

Keep writing.
>> No. 85526
File 132965811269.png - (199.28KB , 1916x1163 , CursorFatigued.png )

I left a tonne of comments in your doc, but here are a few general thoughts on your writing:


Your sentence structure needs more variation. I think it got a little better towards the end of the fic, but there were far too many places where you'd have paragraphs of "He Xed. He Yed. She Zed." Read as many books as you can, and take note of how professional authors change up the ordering and style of their sentences.

There's also a recurring problem with putting the AI's and the pony's actions in the same paragraph. I've marked out a few places where this happens, but not all of them. Try to keep a single character's actions to their own paragraph as much as you can (but not too much... it's hard to say how much exactly).

Apart from that, the main problems I encountered were comma splices. Have some relevant links:

Here's the link to my writing guide that I always give folks I review:

An apology: I made some comments about what I perceived to be excess spacing in your AI's dialogue, but I think that was just my eyes derping. Ignore those.


I know you were mainly getting this review for some editing and grammar fixes and stuff, so you can ignore this if you want. I'm mainly putting this here because I like to think of myself as a well-rounded reviewer.

I suppose the biggest criticism one could give to this piece of MLP fanfiction is that it doesn't really need to be about ponies. You make the pony character a human being and change some names without really altering much of the story. Now, this may be cool with you, but I think that your story can only benefit from having its themes of friendship expanded on a little. The central relationship was fun, and maybe it would be cool if you could come up with some more ways for the AI and the pony to interact during the story, or if you could give even more information on the AI's attitude towards friendship. There's already a fair bit of this, and I enjoyed it, but I'm sure a little more couldn't hurt.

The second-biggest criticism could be that there's not enough foreshadowing for the ending. There is some, but there could be more. I also feel that this story would benefit from having the AI rationalise killing ponies to cure them of death. Maybe she's killing them so they won't be able to die (or maybe not... that's a bit lame)?

And that's all I've got.

Keep writing, and if you listen to criticism and keep challenging yourself, you can only get better! I hope my review has been helpful.
>> No. 85540
File 132966630938.jpg - (14.11KB , 306x300 , 492466.jpg )
Claiming Enabling by (VegaKS03) & Starwind Dood

Preliminarily, are you cleaning up the highlighting later, or is it part of the artistic 'style'.

>pic unrelated.
>> No. 85542
Note to queue maintainers, number 44 (Elysian Fields) is listed as reviewed when it isn't (the review URL links to a different fic review). Just wondering if this can be corrected? Thanks. :)
>> No. 85544
Tags: [Shipping]

Synopsis: In a struggle to find a way to spend the nights Princess Luna finally finds a pony dear to her but her new relationship reveals long forgotten memories for both Princesses.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12qWNk_fIleRBBlfop2xPQAdQTnghGGrJxPzEQprCnVs/edit

Comments: Hi everyone. I am looking for someone to proofread my story. I am not a native English speaker so I need someone to check through my spelling.
>> No. 85557
File 132967874716.png - (21.72KB , 219x131 , ♫Ellipsis♫.png )

Sorry about that last night, it was late and my computer was acting up again. Now I'll finish it.

>Surprisingly, none of the books in Twilight’s house had any way to fix this.
How is that surprising? The tea dude said it was one of a kind, I would have thought Trixie would remember that.

>Hi, Twilight. I know we are supposed to meet in an hour, but Angel cut our picnic short,” she said, softly. Trixie could only assume this was Fluttershy. “So I was just wondering if you wanted to hang out until then.”
Fluttershy could sound more shy, it sounds slightly OOC right now.

>Fluttershy looked at the clock. “Oh my goodness Twilight. We’re late.”
This doesn't make sense, earlier you said trixie was half way through her 16th book. You also said that Fluttershy had finished an HOUR early, sot hey have an hour to kill. Cleaning up 16 books together or alone does not usually take an hour. Put in some more detail and dialogue, make time pass somehow.

>Inside, Rarity sat inside,
You used inside twice. I suggest getting rid of the first one.

>“Good evening Twilight,”
Again inconsistency. It should still be morning, or maybe afternoon at latest not evening.

> Trixie smiled. “A herbal bath would be perfect.”
Combine into one sentence via comma.

>Her happiness went away, as soon as she saw who was behind it.
Comma is unnecessary.

There we go, done reading and pointing out some major mistakes. Now for a summary.

Overall the story has potential to be enjoyable. I admit It is a good basis, however the grammar issues take away from this. Not to mention the multiple cases of inconsistencies laden throughout this story.

Also, I don't know if this classifies as comedy, but I know it is not a shipping. Do not include a tag unless that is a very large portion or basis of the fiction.

This needs work, especially if you intend to submit to EQD. But as it is, it's still a cut above most of them. I'm very happy to have found no spelling issues in this piece. Congratulations for that.

Overall at this moment I'd rate the fic with a 45/100

Please feel free to give me any feedback on the review.
>> No. 85560
Thanks so much. Shipping will come later so i may put that classification in later. I'll try and fix the inconsistancies to the best of my ability, as well as any grammar issues. Still I don't know what I would classify it as. Its not comedy, slice of life, adventure, crossover, sad, etc. If you have any suggestions let me know. Thank you so much for your help.
>> No. 85565
File 132968034323.png - (195.13KB , 1532x1485 , CursorThinking.png )
With tags, less is more. It's a Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door and Fallout: Equestria both contained a romantic subplot or two, but neither had a shipping tag.

Most films these days also have romantic subplots, but that doesn't make them romantic movies.

My personal recommendation is that you choose one or two tags (at most three) that are most relevant and use them. With tagging, less really is more.

Ask yourself what the main plot of your story is. If it's romance, use [Shipping]. If it's adventure, use [Adventure]. If it's day-to-day life (like the show proper) use [Slice-of-life] (or [Normal], I guess, but [SoL] is a more descriptive tag). If it's an examination on the effect of some technology or discovery on Equestrian society (or if it's set in SPAACE/the WORLD OF TOMORROW), use [Sci-Fi] (not that anyone really writes much pony science fiction).

Only use [Comedy] if your fic is joke-heavy. Only use [Sad] if your main goal is making the reader cry. Only use [Shipping] if your main plot is the development of a romantic relationship.

[Grimdark] and [Crossover] are basically warning labels about the content. They'll drive some folk away, but others seek them out. Use [Grimdark] if your story's got teeth, and [Crossover] if you're crossing over with something.

Most importantly, less is more. Having more than three tags makes your story look a little messy.

/my opinions
>> No. 85571
2.)Contact: Apple Harvest
3.)Synopsis: Pony kind has advanced into the space age, successfully driving out and seeing and living among the stars that populated Luna's brilliant night. This expansion is met with friction, however, and soon open conflict has been waged.
Note: This is an alternate history fic

Link to Google Docs Collections of chapters 1-9: https://docs.google.com/#folders/0B1VBFCgLRaFDODFkYTEyZTAtMjBjMi00NWM5LTljZmItNzE3NGU2Zjk4ZDgz
>> No. 85592
Title: When Pokey met Pinkie

Author: Chappy Hooves

Email: [email protected]

Tags: Shipping, Romantic, Comedy

Synopsis: Pokey Pierce and Pinkie Pie ship fic. Loosely based off of the movie "When Harry met Sally" but not a direct parody of it. Story arc shows how the two first knew (and hated) each other as foals and how they got to know each other in their adult lives.

Link to story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/10427/When-Pokey-met-Pinkie

Comments/requests: Story is complete, this is the first time I'm submitting it. This is my fourth fanfic I have written. I am getting better at objectively proofreading my work, but I am looking for another set of eyes to help me catch things I have missed, and build a more polished story. I'm not afraid of constructive criticism.
>> No. 85644
File 132969164296.jpg - (102.59KB , 800x639 , fcea6a87a82d46bad46f14e51ac32ddb.jpg )
I came for ponies, but I found rockets.
>> No. 85649
File 132969294833.png - (45.79KB , 355x313 , Derp.png )
Another note to queue maintainers:


Forgot to say that it is also listed as claimed, which is incorrect. Sorry for the hassle.

> mfw
>> No. 85650

Review done in-doc. Couldn't find that many mistakes thankfully since your story was looked at by two other people first. :D
>> No. 85662
File 132969688057.jpg - (57.45KB , 500x374 , Tumblr_kxm7nkGnAo1qaqps8o1_500.jpg )
Additional comments in the document.

A vampire. In Equestria. I’m sure it has been done before, but then again so have many other things. This is the first time I have come across a fic of this nature. It is in need of improvement, but there is a plot hidden underneath everything. There are numerous instances of awkward phrasing and bad dialogue. I have tried to offer suggestions on how to mitigate them. Your focus should be on improving your narrative.

Let’s take a look at the OC for a moment. Your OC is a misunderstood musical vampire who just wants to make friends, spread her disease, or do both at the same time. I’m not sure at this point, but she’s got plenty of time to grow. Just don’t ship her. Shipping is the bane of fan fiction. You can do countless other things with that character. You can do countless other things with a vampire in Equestria.

I’m not sure where you intend to take this. I hope Luna isn’t a vampire as well. Being the darker princess, it would be interesting to see how she handles this if she is to be used as a primary character. Judging by the opening, Fluttershy seems to have accepted her vampirism. Perhaps she even languishes in it. It is clear that Fluttershy has a darker side, but a proper transformation would be required to make it believable.

Good luck.
>> No. 85668
Title: A Future Worth Saving
Author: Flashgen
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: [Grimdark-War][Adventure]
Synopsis: When Twilight Sparkle and her friends awaken in the Everfree Forest following a spell cast by Twilight, they attempt to find their way home. However, what they stumble on to is more than they could have expected, or imagined, in their wildest Nightmares.
Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zHVPhNMlSbfihwmPCYjUYbLjy3H7Gh9MgpIuJCH698U/edit
>> No. 85673
>Pokey Pierce and Pinkie Pie ship fic.



*Drags fic back to his lair, slamming the door shut behind him.*

[?]Expect your review tomorrow![?]
>> No. 85685

*Shouts at the closed door of lair*

Enjoy! X-D
>> No. 85687
>>85338 >>83565
Unusual shipping pair. For that you have my interest.

First sentence already.
>The azure unicorn mare crept silently into the small town she had once fled from
"The azure unicorn mare" is an example of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. It's not considered necessary to use such descriptors when a name or pronoun will do. Personally, this practice doesn't bother me, but many reviewers advise against it. "From" here is a dangling preposition; it has been violently dislodged from its object. Proper phrasing: "...from which she had once fled."

>to silently move
Split infinitve. Never separate "to" from its verb. Move "silently" somewhere else in the sentence.

Period goes inside the quotes.

>'Let them find Trixie. Let them point and stare and call her a fraud and a failure. For that's all she truly is,' she thought
Thoughts are done as (double) quotes or italics, not both. Single quotes are for quote-within-quote instances.

>She knew the azure mare, of course.
Missing a "who."

>That just wasn't her.
Predicate pronoun of a linking verb = still in nominative case. "Her" should be "she," but perhaps you should just rephrase it.

>The thought of this
Beware use of this/that/these/those as pronouns, because they almost always have vague antecedents. Find an appropriate noun for them to modify so that they become adjectives. In this case, you can just rephrase as "This thought..."

>She quietly flew down to the crying pony, who didn't even seem to notice her, "Um, hey, uh, Trixie, was it?"
Second use of "quietly" in as many sentences. Invest in a thesaurus. You're also leading into a quotation without using any sort of speaking verb. Your verb is "flew." That's hard to hear.

>and sniffled,
Given that "sniffled" is at best a borderline speaking verb and the sentence is a run-on, you should just make the comma a period.

>"You were the pegasus at my show."
Second use of "pegasus" in the same sentence. Find a different descriptor.

>Dash nodded slowly, "Y-Yeah, that was-"
Third use of "slowly" in only two sentences. Use that thesaurus. Use a longer dash when someone's being interrupted. Some software will auto-correct for dashes with space on one or both sides. You may have to do it manually by cutting and pasting, typing two dashes, or using the character code Alt+0151. Keep an eye out for that. I'm not going to mark any more of them.

>'I wouldn't really blame you'?
Double quotes, and the question mark goes inside them.

>But, but, you hate Trixie.
Use an ellipsis in place of the first comma.

>at this point,
Avoid this phrase. It jars the reader out of the story and reminds him that he's reading, not experiencing. You're also missing a space after the comma.

>not even caring that Dash was standing right in front of her. She buried her face in the ground and just let all of her pent-up emotions flow.
If she doesn't care, why is she burying her face?

>she knew not
You haven't gone for any fancy language until now, so it feels out of place.

>decided to speak up again,
End the sentence here. It's becoming a run-on.

>'someplace to go tonight'.
Period goes inside the quotes.

>aggressiveness, then anger flared up in her, "Well, listen here you-" but then suddenly she realized something.
There is no speaking verb linking to the quote on either side. "You" is a noun/pronoun of direct address, and should be set off with a comma.

>Trixie wasn't trying to be aggressive, she was just upset and alone and scared.
Second use of "agressive" in 2 sentences. There is a comma splice here. What's on either side of the comma could stand unaltered as a complete sentence. Either change to a semicolon, or make it into 2 sentences.

>'Listen here you' what, exactly, pegasus?
The lead-in to this quote has no speaking verb. I have NEVER seen (show or fanfic) a pony address another by race.

>Can you not tell Trixie" she sniffed again, "that Trixie doesn't want to be" her voice quivered
Again, there's no speaking verb. You can't just break out of a quote in this way to perform an action unless it is or is accompanied by a speaking action. This sentence runs on horribly, there needs to be some punctuation after the first "Trixie," and the quote doesn't make sense unless you indicate that the first part ends in a pause or interruption. Use an ellipses to indicate her quote is unfinished.

>her arrogant mind, "alone," she whispered.
Start a new sentence after "mind," and use an ellipsis to indicate the quote is a continuation from another sentence.

>And with that, the flow renewed, even more forceful and sad than the previous two.
See previous note on "this/that." "And with that" refers to a sentence, reminding the reader that it's lines of print instead of an experience. It's weak writing. "More sad" is an invalid comparative form. Use "sadder." The previous two what?

>at this point.

Okay, I give up marking the lead-ins/-outs for your quotations. There will be a general note at the end, but I've given you enough to learn how to fix them.

>But, why?
It is exceedingly rare for it to be correct to put a comma after a conjunction.

>Dash waited until she had stopped her crying, then walked over to Trixie's side and wrapped her wing around the unicorn.
Just "crying," not "her crying." She was already close enough to lift Trixie's chin. Getting that last bit of distance to her side wouldn't really require walking.

>half a millisecond
Unnecessary hyperbole. That wouldn't even be perceptible. Be realistic.

>She let this slide
Another bad "this."

>pent up

>her ears pressed flat to her head, eyes threatening to let loose another torrent of sadness from behind the quickly fading dam of willpower
Here's a good example of show vs tell done correctly. You're being descriptive and giving me the evidence to make my own conclusion about her emotional state instead of just telling me what it is. Apply this technique more throughout the story.

Needs a space.

>She was frozen in place, the touch of the one mare she knew that actually cared about her safety or health or anything, really, somehow affecting her to the point where she stopped breathing entirely for a few seconds.
This sentence is very choppy and hard to follow.

>"Wh-why not?" Trixie inquired, "Why shouldn't I have to worry about that anymore? I've been worried about it since I,"
You actually picked a speaking verb this time. Congratulations. However, you need a period after it, or the quotation becomes a comma splice/run-on. Use a long dash at the end instead of a comma to indicate the interruption.

>Dash took this time to release Trixie from the hug she had been holding for so long to shift her hoof uncomfortable, almost 'pawing' at the ground
You've got two infinitive phrases in parallel here, and that doesn't work. "Uncomfortable" should be "uncomfortably," but frankly it's not the best word choice. Pawing needs double quotes, and I assume you put it in quotes at all to suggest you know she doesn't actually have a paw. Choose a different word. There are alternatives.

>extremely embarrassed, not to mention she was feeling extremely
Repetition of "extremely."

Needs a space.
>> No. 85689
>>85687 >>85338 >>83565
>when Fluttershy had been having some rather confidential issues a while back
I'm not sure if you're trying to be humorous here. Don't come up with a tease in this manner unless it's an obvious joke, an external reference that a reader will understand, or will be explained at least a little.

>Trixie sighed again and fell to the ground, now noticing Dash was no longer there to support her.
Why? There was no indication that Dash had moved away, then Dash immediately looks sympathetic again. I don't get it.

It's very common to see this form used for words that end in an "s," but it's only correct if the word is plural, which it is not. The proper possessive is "pegasus's."

>again and began leading her again

>She looked up, then looked
A lot of looking going on. Blow the dust off that thesaurus.

>She heard voices at her door, so it wasn't the wind, but as she approached, guarded by Spike, now armed with a frying pan, she recognized one of them.
There are too many descriptors stacked up here, and it's killing the flow of the sentence.

>"Wait a second...Rainbow Dash?" She inquired suspiciously.
Wait, what? You actually tagged out of a quote correctly here, but capitalized it into a separate sentence. When something like a question mark is required to transition out of the quote, it also carries the function of a comma in allowing text outside of the quote to continue the sentence. You did it right in the next sentence. Need a space after the ellipsis.

Indicate emphasis with italics.

>"I dunno Spike,"
Direct address. Comma.

>AH-HAaaa-" she trailed off
Trailing off is done with an ellipsis, not a dash. You need a comma coming out of the quote. Don't tell us she trailed off. It's redundant, as it's already shown through punctuation.

>"It's a tree," she said simply.
For some reason, this sentence had me laughing. "Brevity is the soul of wit." Nice job.

>depressed looking
hyphenate. This sentence runs on far too long with all of the parenthetical elements. Break it up.

>"Wha-but-why are-how-"
Needs a comma.

There's no reason to capitalize this word.

>get herself fully into.
Dangling preposition, but more importantly, I don't even know what you're saying.

>or anything.
Never trail off vaguely with "or anything" or "or something" except possibly in dialogue. You don't want the narrator admitting he's uninformed.

Yipe. She got awfully familiar awfully soon. And no reaction from Trixie?

>'Go ahead.'
Double quotes. Congrats on correctly placing the period this time.

>It all began a little while ago, I was just napping on a cloud
Comma splice.

>Like i said,

>I have a guest bed and everything, Spike has his own little basket to sleep in
Comma splice. There's also a dangling preposition, but they can be excusable in speech if it's believable that the character would speak that way.

>who she pulled

>Trixie's blush darkened by at least three shades of red, "Could you, um, s-stay, with me tonight? Here, in the library?"
Okay, you're coming completely out of left field here. First, there's absolutely no buildup that Trixie would feel this way, and she's imposing on Twilight to volunteer her for another guest.

>Don't you worry, Trixie, Dash'll definitely be here for you. She'll always be there for you, actually
And now Twilight's volunteering Dash for a significant emotional commitment?

Double quotes.

>"you two haven't gone through this before, have you?"
Capitalize "You." It's the first word of a sentence within the context of the quote.

I'm not sure what action you're trying to depict.

>At this point

Emphasis in italics.

>The tension the room built
The room didn't build the tension, so you appear to be missing an "in."

>or so, before
Unnecessary comma.

>five minutes or so, before he smiled approvingly, "Five minutes

>If i remember

Can't say I've ever heard this word before.

>turning to Twilight,
Participle phrases need commas on both ends.

>admiring the 'woody' smell of all the things inside the tree,
Double quotes. And really? Everything in the library smells woody?


tousled. This sentece ran on so long that you didn't notice it was incomplete.

>not to mention

>to just be accepted.
Split infinitive.

Need a space.

>"you saved me, you know?
Capitalize. Within the quote, a new sentence is beginning.

>My very own little dash of magic.
Her emphasis on "my" implies that this concept has been used previously, but aside from the title, it hasn't.

>second favorite

>Equestria, into
Comma splice.


>A small voice whispered back in the dead of night,
>"You're welcome, Trix."
You can't break a sentence across paragraphs like this. Move the first sentence into the next paragraph, or split it into 2 sentences.

Given how Dash felt about Trixie when she left, I doubt she'd be immediately sympathetic to her upon first seeing her again. Dash's attitude needs to be justified. Something must have happened to change what Dash thinks of Trixie, but I haven't the foggiest what it is.

You've got thoughts marked with single quotes and italics. Choose one, and if you choose quotes, make them double.

An ellipsis needs to be followed with a space.

Incredibly repetitive sentence structure. Trixie said... Dash looked... It goes on for multiple paragraphs without variation at times. Vary your structures, or it lulls the reader into boredom. There are several instances of repetitive word choice as well.

You break out of quotes to relay non-speaking actions. That's fine as long as there is a speaking action, too, but you rarely do that, and you tend to make such sentences run on badly. You don't have to have lead-ins or trail-outs for quotes. They can stand as separate sentences.

There is an overall show vs tell issue. Look for areas that the narrator is telling us what happened without giving enough detail to picture it, particularly when conveying emotion. Give the reader enough evidence to reach his own conclusion based on the cues you provide. It's more involving and makes for a more enjoyable read. This rule applies during dialogue as well. What's said is only half of a conversation. Give me the rest: body language, reactions to what's said, movements, detailed facial expressions.

The narrator does a lot of things that a third-person narrator shouldn't, like pause, ask questions, and make judgments. You do so a lot, and it brings the narration within the head of the character under focus at the time. Make these instances internal thoughts of the characters; it's in their voices already, so it makes sense to do so.

Characterizations seem off. Twilight is friendly enough, but I'm only seeing a bit of Dash's and Trixie's typical brash and confrontational natures. It'd be a more effective pairing if they had to overcome their competitive natures to end up together. There would be more emotional investment and a bigger payoff.

I liked the way the chapter ended. You need to provide me a better roadmap of how to get there, but it was a nice, sweet moment for an ending.

There are extensive enough revisions to be made that I'd recommend putting this through a review thread again before trying to submit to something like EqD, if that's your goal.

You've definitely got some good ideas in there, and your take on a light, almost puppy-love type of romance is the kind I prefer. Keep writing and have fun with it.
>> No. 85699
I'd say it's [normal] it seems very boring, but people would rather read that and now what they're getting into, then be lied to.
>> No. 85710
I suppose some explanation is in order.

I stand by the Twilight Cut: all of the first chapter and most of the funeral scene in the second. I've written some example snippets of how I think Rainbow's return should go -- though, of course, those are just suggestions to prod your muse into improving the emotional impact

These come from me deleting everything that does not support the story I think you're trying to tell. This is risky on my part, so I should at least state my assumption.

You're going to make your ponies, Rainbow at least, try to magically resurrect Applejack. This is risky business, but I've seen it done well once before (Bittersweet), and I encourage you to go for it all-out. Best of luck.

Fill out the second chapter with getting the story of what happened out of Rainbow.

I'm going to read the third chapter now and give very general notes, mostly to see if this assumption is correct.

- Well, it's about grief. Okay. I like what you do with Fluttershy.
- Rainbow's dream -- Awww, yeah! This is the best part of the story so far, even if (like everything else) it's a bit flabby.
I'd keep the part where Rainbow blames herself, but maybe not facing her friends and idols. Sure, their opinions are important,
but for the most part, she's her own worst critic.

This would be a good point to bring the "bathing with Applejack" scene back.

- Pony cider is probably alcoholic. It is, at the very least, naturally carbonated. Oh, never mind, I see you're taking that into account.

- Get that damn adventure plot moving! I've seen adventure stories with wonderfully effective tragic and romantic subplots, but not the other way around. You've already lost the momentum required for the adventure genre -- thus the big cut -- and getting it back should be your number-one goal in revision.

PS? I have my own take on what pony funerals would be like that comes from frustration at how they're usually portrayed in fiction, especially fan fiction. I really think magical ponies would want a celebration of life more than enforcing social norms about how one is supposed to grieve (or clumsily forcing the reader to feel sad or else!) and thus imagine something like a party, but not as wildly fun. Pinkie would of course be involved -- an intuition that was only magnified by this week's episode. She really is at the center of Ponyville's cultural and, in a way, spiritual life. You don't have to agree, but please consider how much she would want to throw one last party for each of her friends -- even if it's not going to be a totally fun one.


The third part mostly consists of conceptual criticism and less low-level MSTing. Fluttershy has issues with the griffins, then shares a sad and somewhat gory story to explain why she doesn't like violent fiction in general. Twilight cuts the first chapter. Rainbow, AJ, and Rarity tag-team a death scene. I guess that's about it.

>> No. 85711
Title: The Pony Scrolls: Nightfall

Tags: (To be determined for the most part at the moment) [Adventure] [Grimdark] [Crossover]

Synopsis: Steel Wind, a lowlife mercenary thrown into the Canterlot City Prison, finds himself thrust into a world teetering on the brink of destruction after an attack by the Daedric Cults scatters the Elements of Harmony across the world. Now he must race against time as the cults regain strength to find the elements and put an end to their plans.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YkewVUPsOBtGghAzuFviEev_1srcBlsBkuzVDTxqcrc/edit

Comments: It is not a Skyrim crossover. I would like to think of it as an Elder Scrolls crossover in general but it now looks more like an Oblivion crossover so far. It may look like there are parts missing but they will all be filled in later. Comments enabled on doc.
>> No. 85720
To the author of Friendship is Mercenaries: I will be going over the story in the chunks you've provided, however I do not have very much time in the day past school, homework, and my job. I am leaving running commentary throughout the document, and at the end of the story, I will give some summarizing thoughts and such as a post here in the thread.
>> No. 85740
File 132975305471.png - (1.24MB , 1045x1134 , 65463 - artist Mn27 cheerilee plot.png )

Your title makes no sense at first glance, let’s see if you proof me wrong.

PROTIP: Enable comments the next time, I don’t work with it but a lot of others do.

Props on the format, however your choice of font is kind of strange… why not Arial? However, I do prefer a double enter after a paragraph. You have all the room on the interwebs. Something a book doesn’t have.

>Rainbow Dash stomped her hoof,

>“I never liked books, and never will.”
I would italicize the last never for effect.

> the fans eyes huge and her expression turning dark.

> Her mother hugged her, and walked with her out of the corridor.
Suggestion: Her mother hugged her as they both walked out of the corridor.

>“Oh hi R. Dash,
I don’t know if she/he is either trying to be formal or something or that you are just shortening her name…

> Oh hi R. Dash, I loved how you nailed that turn on the fifteenth mile, is it true you’re suffering from a pre-career injury?”
Comma splice.

>“Look kid, I don’t wanna talk about it, you can read it in the book Twilight wrote, but honestly, I don’t even know if that’ll answer your question.”
Period after it.

>Rainbow grabbed the photo the eager fan
you probably know what I’m getting at.

>it in it’s teeth before bounding to it’s friends and boasting about it.
It’s = it is. However, you’re searching for its here which is possessive.

> up with the other 4
Unless you’re dealing with a year, you write the entire number as a word. So four.

Gdocs supports line breaks

> Rainbow Dash stood ready to burst out of the gates. She pranced in place, her wings open and ready to fly. On the third beat, she’ll fly out of the gates and straight up into the air above the audience. Her uniform will shine better than it ever had before.
Why the sudden tense shift in narration? You went from past tense to present tense.

> Martyrdom of Celestia.
I beg your pardon?

>“V” formation.
maybe: V-formation

>Bolts with spin
Meaning will here?

> Apple Jack

> Spikes

Okay, This is a general comment on the entire present tense part of the fic. Why exactly is it in present tense (neglecting the fact you sometimes use past tense in it)? It doesn’t really add anything to the story and is quite confusing to the reader, especially if you went from past tense to it. My advice keep with the past tense. Because how can you tell a story if it hasn’t happened yet? The present tense gives me more of a movie feeling and is quite off-putting.

> Slow pokes.” She mutters as the last
Incorrect dialogue punctuation. If any form from said follows you use a comma, unless you need either an exclamation point or a question mark. These are all treated as commas. Meaning no caps follows.

> “Why is it so difficult to write?” the author asked.
> “Dunno,” the reviewer replied.
> “Well, thanks for nothing.” The author shot an arrow in the reviewer’s knee, causing him to give up adventure.

> breech the clouds.
I think you mean reach.

>“Somethings wrong. I can feel it.”

> She steps into the main hall
I think Twilight would work better here.

> A sign hangs stating:
A sign hanging states:

> She could here

> this shit
Personally I don’t think ponies have invented the curse words yet. Try to find something else a bit more child-friendly.

> This has got to be it.
uhm… this sounds strange. Why not: this has to be it. the got is kinda redundant. IMHO

> function with out your

> forest, along side Apple Jack.
alongside* Applejack*
>> No. 85741
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Telly on the emotion, you handled it pretty good when Dash found out about her wings, however, the rest is plain boring. Let’s take the scene where Twilight walks into Sugarcube Corner. Before she leaves there is a angrily somewhere. That reminds me of some obscure show that handles emotion like shit. The feeling this gives me is rather unsatisfying. I want to see the character’s actions not simply get them told. I have imagination to think of how they react, however, I want to see yours show me how sad they are show me how their body reacts. I don’t want an eagle view I want to be inside them. Feel what they feel.

Comma use, so-so. I noticed some instances. But I can’t really elaborate on this. Therefore have a link: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/

Also you seem to have issues with homophones. You mistake certain words probably on their sound. For instance it’s and its

>Its == possessive.
>It’s== a contraction of it is.

Next item: Present tense.

You switch to this somewhere in the middle. Don’t. Keep your narrating past tense. Trust me. As I read through it I was suddenly hit by the present tense which confused me. I’m not the smartest around, but if I’m getting confused so will others. I didn’t comment upon it. because I really, really, really hate present tense narration but you switched back and forth between past/present –tense quite some instances.

Let’s see am I missing something? Present tense, commas, homophones. Ah: cussing

Personally, unless it’s clop, I don’t really see ponies cussing. Maybe you should try to find an alternative to put power behind your words.

And last dialogue punctuation.

Let me copy my Oh-so-thorough explanation:

Incorrect dialogue punctuation. If any form from said follows you use a comma, unless you need either an exclamation point or a question mark. These are all treated as commas. Meaning no caps follows.

> “Why is it so difficult to write?” the author asked.
> “Dunno,” the reviewer replied.
> “Well, thanks for nothing.” The author shot an arrow in the reviewer’s knee, causing him to give up adventure.

And last-last.


I have two Spikes.
Spike’s new bike.

See there’s that nasty apostrophe again.

Generally you can go with this want someone to own something. Put an ‘s behind the noun/pro-noun.


When the noun ends in a S.
>Princess’ crown
>Zeus’ lightning bolt.

Plot There be spoilers beware!

Too be honest this is too short for a oneshot. You’ve got a great setup here for a multi-part story.

Dash loses her wings. Which in my opinion is quite a drastic turn of life for a pegasus. Just taking the list of yours here (some of it)

>She’ll never be able to fly again
>visiting friends and family in cloudsdale will be extremely difficult
>Her dream is shattered

You did quite a good job on showing her emotion, however, it still felt rather bland. SHE LOST HER WINGS! She is the self-proclaimed number one flier in Equestria. If that happened to me I would be devastated, I wouldn’t believe it. to quote Rarity: ‘It’s.the.worst.possible.thing. Step up your game in this. I want to be inside them as they feel the pain I want to experience it myself!

If you choose to follow my advice and turn it into a multi-parted story. Start with the accident fill the scenes with detail but keep the bloody parts and the such at a minimum. Next you can start with her recovery. Dash is one though mare. This, however, will take a toll on her.

Next dafuq is wrong with Twilight and the gang? Twilight sets of fireworks injures Dash, but she doesn’t know and walks into Sugarcube Corner, ignorant as hell. SHE WAS THERE and being the pony responsible for the firework. She should have noticed. The characterization that they are angry at Twilight also doesn’t seem like something common for the mane 6. Sure she made a HUGE mistake. Still, I think they would feel bad for Dash but be downright angry with Twilight would go a bit far IMO.

And what about the martyrdom from Princess Celestia?

Martyrdom is the ultimate self-sacrifice for a higher cause probably only in religion. Or at least I am told

The scenes move to quickly or I’m missing a space somewhere. You go from Wonderbolts to Twilight arriving at the hospital at the flick of a switch. Maybe a white space/line break would be needed here.
Hmm I’m kinda dragging this.
Last thing for now, since I bet you’ll have a lot to do if you take my advice.
Sonic rainboom on the ground… NOPE. Let’s go with the speed to break the sound barrier which is: mach 1 = 340.29 m / s. I know it’s a magical ponies cartoon, however, I don’t see this happening.

Last-last now I get your title. SRB= Sonic Run Boom. I don’t think it’s fitting. Have some suggestion:
>Shattered dream
>The Last Rainboom
>Grounded Loyalty
>Wounded Loyalty
>Dash’s Last Dash

Well, I hope you find some of my tips useful as well as my little rant on your plot.

Keep writing my friend.
>> No. 85748
Tags: [Crossover] [Grimdark] [Human in Equestria]

Synopsis: ODSTs are trained to handle any situation. Get any better, and they become spartans. However, no trooper is truly perfect. Garrett Archer gets more than what he bargained for after following an order to go back to Earth. He finds himself crashing in flames and waking up in Equestria, only to be introduced to more problems that add to the weight of the Human-Covenant war. Some see him as a monster, a friend, and the last piece of the puzzle.

Part 5: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10HbRIUTf_zXlofEIEdbjJubjaart-Qwt3cE6GGxw28Y/edit

Comments: I would prefer to have my review in-doc. If there are multiple errors, please be patient with me. I'm willing to learn and develop myself. I'm determined to get this somewhere.
>> No. 85749
File 132975640631.png - (497.16KB , 2880x4140 , Twilight-not-amused3.png )
Yes, here's another edition of my less-than-sane ramblings on a fic, masquerading as a review. Unfortunately, Twilight here reflects my mood as I read (and eventually, skimmed) your fic. Yes, this is not going to be pretty.

Right. I have left comments in the first two chapters where necessary, but I feel it is only proper I reiterate the salient points of my review. Let's do the easy part first, shall we?

You have multiple problems with your punctuation, as you admitted yourself in your post. This might be acceptable had you been writing alone or had only one friend to assist you. BUT! I counted no less than six editors that you have credited in your document. Six editors, and I still found mistakes where a cursory look-through would spot. Clearly, you need to brush up on your english, and you need better editors. The former is very much preferable.

A quick show and tell on what should be done:
>“I told you, I do not want to be disturbed." Said a serene, yet regal voice with an undertone of authority..
should be
>"I told you, I do not want to be disturbed," said Celestia.

You probably can see the difference. Hint: it's the comma and period. You also have this habit of capitalising random words in your fic. Scrub them if you please. It makes you look sloppy.

Not only that, you have a tendency to use very odd phrasing or word choices throughout. I was surprised nobody called you out on it yet. Most egregious example from your very first chapter:
>"...without exterior help?"

Right. Exterior here is usually used in relation to a physical object, most commonly a building or a ship. A better word to use here would be "outside help". There are many other examples of these, even in the only first two chapter which I looked at in greater detail. I shudder to think of the twenty-five chapters of prose you have written riddled with this.

Moving on, you also have a very telling style of prose. The oft-used adage, "show, don't tell" applies here. Most egregious example of telling.
>Gold-wing looked down at the city far below him. It was beautiful.
Yes. It is beautiful. Why?
Of course, you salvaged it later with some description of your own, but the entire fic just needs more of it in general. Another example:
>They walked and flew through the many corridors and hallways until they reached the courtroom of their king.

Instead of just finishing it in one sentence, you could have described the city as they flew past, weaving description of the city into the narrative.

Perspective shifts. You tend to do that multiple times, even when you're telling the story from the viewpoint in one character. Just remember that third person limited POV means that your character and consequently, your narrative, should not reference things which they cannot see or perceive.
>> No. 85751
I claim you. Expect a review today. Comments start now.
>> No. 85755
Title: Aetiology
Authors: dasflash & smoulderfly
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Dark][Adventure]

Synopsis: 2000 years ago, Starswirl the Bearded accidentally created a race of ponies that became bloodthirsty in the sun. To keep them away from the ponies he'd later create, he locked them away in a cave, but made them nearly immortal so that he'd never have to see his creations die. 1000 years later, one of them escaped.

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1m_2K6MfaQCJxIFjhlWZbvKWesjQLgaczUNWoNvKwO14/edit
Chapter One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BcG5-zYj_6s2zv-4-sKXvZBbHOUyNJ3xCuQIkwIC8P0/edit
Chapter Two: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HkwK--8HRR70J1ZSq4Dh0-cdd-WrHGJDQJqmcg8MEWA/edit

Comments/Requests: This is going to be an epic, 300k-word story involving the history of Equestria, going all the way from 2000 years before the present day to a few decades in the future.
One little thing I'd like to know is whether it's easier to read left-aligned or justified. Other than that, please critique away.
>> No. 85757
File 132975742973.png - (313.54KB , 720x720 , FP-Eeep.png )
As a quick question about your synopsis... 2000 years prior to now in the story is when Starswirl created these monster ponies? About the one that escaped a 1000 years after being created; was that around the time when Nightmare moon was banished?

The synopsis is just a little confusing about when this story is taking place.
>> No. 85759
1000 years is approximate. And thinking about it now, I'm not entirely sure how many years off it is. The pony escapes maybe 100 years before the stuff with Nightmare Moon.
My co-author is the one with all the details in his head, I'm just the one who makes his story sound good. Sorry for the confusion, anyway.
Also I think I fucked up the link to the post when I submitted it to the spreadsheet. Fantastic.
>> No. 85761
File 132975834581.png - (234.38KB , 440x408 , Fp - I approve of this post.png )
Okay, I think I can see it then. Thanks for a touch of clarification.
>> No. 85765
Right. Here comes the other part of my review. Bear in mind I only read to Chapter 18, ostensibly your last chapter which has at least seen some editor penship.

Story. For whatever reason, your story did intrigue me with your premise. The Elements of Harmony being counterbalanced by Elements of Discord/Dispute/Disharmony/what have you is a solid idea by itself. Where you fail however, is execution.

Simply put, your writing have failed to impress. I confess I liked the idea of the Element of Pride and Gluttony. (Possibly Jealousy if I read the fourth chapter correctly). Your pace is entirely too fast for my liking, and you left alot of things unanswered. You're not taking the time to flesh out the details of your expanded MLP settings. Like. Where did the Elements of Dispute come from? Who the hell are the griffons of Truebeak? What griffon empire? Just how one freaking city challenge an entire nation full of ponies and have at least two demi-goddesses to boot. Why are the deers even a threat? If Gluttony can grow his own food, why the hay does he need to invade Equestria? These questions all serve to break the suspension of disbelief and ruin immersion.

What you need here is a rewrite to clean up the flow of your story. Start slower, start closer to the start of the action. Take time to flesh out the settings. If it were up to me, I would skip the first six chapters and start with Twilight Sparkle being called out to war. Granted, this might seem unorthodox, but I'm a fan of cutting straight into the action and weaving exposition and background into the story. As it is, I feel your initial introduction flies past me, giving me little or no emotional investment in the story. (I only started reading with some interest when Twilight came into the picture.)

Characters. Aldecry strikes me as a Mary Sue OC right off the bat, being a freaking Element of Balance himself and seemingly able to waltz into the Princesses' chambers as he please. Not only that, you have him scold the princess and being head of an organisation which I have never heard about, have little reason to care about and is apparently good at collecting information. The rest of the characters you introduced are clearly throwaway antagonists. What the hay does the Element of Balance does anyway?

Not only that, you made Celestia and to a certain extent, Luna hold the idiot ball to make the premise of this fic work. If Celestia knew it was dangerous to summon the Elements of Harmony, why would she do it without a second thought? Why wouldn't see seek alternative methods to defeat NMM if she knew she was coming? Aldecry chiding her for not seeking help is also puzzling, since he himself did not offer any alternatives. Also, Celestia being clueless as to an army camp being built in Ponyville? You have to be kidding me. Poor Blueblood was apparently also allowed to rot in a griffon prison without so much as a single thought from the Princess. That does not seem like the royal sisters at all. You would think she would notice her "nephew" missing from the court. Or that somepony apparently went and built a goddamn army camp.

On a brighter note, you seem to have gotten the mane six characters down reasonably well. Rainbow Dash breaking down over killing Gilda was appropriate, to say the least. Of course Pinkie will be the sane and ruthless one as well.

Action scenes are done pretty well, with no ambiguity. What you need to work on are your character scenes. Explore more on their thoughts of being called to war. I have seen little of that thus far, apart from Rainbow's little breakdown. It is good to explore the realities of war through pony eyes.

tl;dr Need an extensive editing run, IMO. Good effort and idea nonetheless.

Keep writing.
>> No. 85776
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My biggest compliant (grammar-wise): Unvarying sentence structure. You use the compound verb form too much. While it is legal, it is a bore to read.

You also had some trouble forming complex and compound sentences; remember that the comma goes after the dependent clause, and remember the formula for a compound sentence: independent clause + comma + conjunction + independent clause.

I didn't like how you sometimes asked me questions in the narrative. I'm not telling the story; you are.

Another thing I didn't like was how you would tell me things that I could infer (examples in the document); the reader is smarter than you are giving him credit for. You also tend to repeat yourself, using the words "also" and "and" together. One implies the other, so don't use both.

It is considered good taste to have a different document for each chapter. You don't have to, but it is polite (it helps us reviewers organize our thoughts).

Now for plot/characterization issues:

Why were the prison guards so strong? They were able to fight off wave after wave of prisoners while they must have been distracted by their families being attacked in the city? In addition, why did they care about the protagonist so much? One prisoner getting away is not as important as the full scale war that's going on.

Your main character was as interesting as sitting at a computer, typing a fan-fiction review. I didn't really get any of his personality, and your story sometimes almost felt like third-person rather that first-person. The emotion that comes with first-person wasn't as strong as it should have been.

The two villains that confront Celestia and Luna near the end of the first chapter had the most cliche dialogue I've read in awhile. The cloaked mare that criticized Celestia for being merciful reminded me of every single episode that I have watched of Naruto and Digimon. Every emotionally insecure bad guy in anime--especially Digimon and Naruto (Rika, Ken, Sasuke)--say that mercy is for the weak. I've just seen that so many times.

I really like how you described the falling; it's the best writing I've seen out of you yet.

I'm having some family issues right now, so I'm going to have to do chapter 2 tomorrow. I hope that you do not mind.

Do you have a cover image yet? The one I used for this post might work well.

And no, I don't have a name. My mother never gave me one.
>> No. 85784
In the future, please consider putting your fic in GDocs, if only temporarily, for the purposes of reviewing. It's a lot easier to leave comments that way. Then you can post the revisions back to FiMFiction.

Expect a post tomorrow.
>> No. 85785
File 132977464169.jpg - (17.49KB , 283x300 , 132597314769.jpg )
So I'm still having problems with the odd highlighting. I'm pretty sure it's part of your notes, and not really artistic at all, so if you know how to get rid of it that would be great.

I've read this story twice so far, and left a number of running notes in the document which I can see you've already noticed. But to be fair, I'm not sure if this will make it to EqD.
It's more than enjoyable. I really like this story, and it's a pile of laughs. But it does start to border some horrific levels of creepy. It's not a failure of the first person point of view. It's just one of those ideas that's cute in the gurochan definition of cute, and less the ponychan definition of cute. I found it adorable, but it'll creep out a big chunk of your target audience.

“Grind, grind, grind.“
It took me way too long to figure out exactly what was going on here when it started happening. Considering it's kind of key to represent that Twilight is losing it, I can see why it's so important to sprinkle it around the story. But you don't do anything like this for Pinkie.
Twilight's crazy in Lesson Zero starts with random muscle spasms, hysteria, and talking to herself way before she gets up to tooth grinding. Her ears twitch, she starts blinking erratically, and she starts giving into paranoid thinking. Outside of some interesting still images, she doesn't really grind her teeth that much at all.
So I'd say you should probably watch Lesson Zero again when you have a chance and Feeling Pinkie Keen. Focusing on Twilight, seeing as she loses it in both to different degrees. If you're really intent on keeping an onomatopoeia for Twilight's losing it, you should at least add one for Pinkie's delusional fugue states. But I think your story significantly conveys the characters losing it without the fairly obvious 'grind-grind' on top. So I think it'll work without it just as well. You might want to up Twilight responding to herself out loud to make up for the lack of obvious crazy.
The one thing you have to remember about writing crazy people is that often they can't understand why other people think they're crazy. It's a factor they can't perceive. So try to write them as being logical for reasons that are fundamentally illogical and the reader will know they're out of it, while the character remains clueless about it. Which is the way it should be.

Normally I'd be against using all caps and bold in prose. But in this case, as the reader is allegedly in the character's heads as they're losing it, it's not nearly as annoying.
The framing device of this being recordings doesn't quite fit though. For all the time we spend in the character's thoughts, it's hard to see this all being on session tapes. But it's not the end of the world either. It works for the story being told.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jury_rig : I'm just saying.

It's odd, because this entire thing plays out like an extra crazy version of Feeling Pinkie Keen. Twilight is dismissive at first, becomes surrounded by Pinkie's craziness, becomes obsessed with it, then falls into it with her. It just has some freaky-freaky stuff along the way, but it's a fun interpretation.

Lose the music link though. GAH, that not only kicked me out of the story, but kicked me in the head with that version of the song. I was hoping it was a Sinatra version, or maybe one of the nine hundred billion versions off of Evangelion. ( EX: http://youtu.be/izKpyILIpEQ )
But... that one was so declasse. It's so generational specific, it would have been better to not have it there at all.
Even if you only mention music being put on, it works better. Give a reason for it to happen, and the reader will build the scene the way they want it to happen in their heads. By picking a version, or even a general type of song, it brings so much external baggage in for the reader, it dominates the emotional impact of the scene that you're creating.

I left that note about the melting point of chocolate for a reason. It's valid, and it's something you should worry about. I know your scene hinges on Pinkie's crazy there, but I'm no cooking expert, and that scalding bit bugged the living hell out of me for multiple reasons.

It is the most adorable story about Folie simultanée that I've seen that I can remember, so bonus points for that.

That said, you should probably go back through at least one more time, and make sure all of your work is in first person past tense. You slip into present tense enough to be annoying, and while I marked all the ones that stood out to me, there's always a chance I missed more.

Proof read at least one more time before submitting. For this to get on EqD it's going to have to be damn near perfect. Because this subject matter makes people's skin crawl, and they could reject it on concept alone.
Still if it doesn't make it there, at least put it on FiMFiction, because it's not a bad idea at all.
>> No. 85789
File 132977572905.png - (22.14KB , 1000x800 , Pony Scrolls Cover.png )
I can see what you mean about the sentence structure, first person is not what I am best at and I usually get ambivalent on that while writing and will sometimes try it conventionally, which I know is a bad thing to do sometimes, same with the commas.

>Another thing I didn't like was how you would tell me things that I could infer (examples in the document); the reader is smarter than you are giving him credit for.
This is something that I usually find different opinions on; I can definitely see some things that didn’t need to be expanded on though.

I would have put them in separate documents but these two I wrote at the same time. All others I will put on separate docs.

>Why were the prison guards so strong?
Maybe it was a small joke about how ridiculous the guards could be in the game, but for the most part I may have just made the number of prisoners seem larger than it really was. The reason for why they seem to be so insensitive to the situation around them I –try– to explain in the next chapter

The main character (who I do name in the next chapter) doesn’t seem to have much of a personality at the beginning I admit. It’s something that I’m trying to gradually weave in over the next few chapters.

The villains are cliché now that I look at it, I don’t usually deal with villain characters. I’ll try to revise those. I also was using the title empress because it felt appropriate for an Elder Scrolls crossover.

And I do have a cover image that I plan to use. It's simple but effective in my opinion. I think most of the character issues will be resolved with the next chapter. But thank you for the review so far, it was very helpful. I don't mind waiting.
>> No. 85807
I'm sorry, Chappy, but I have to relinquish my claim. I'm not in a proper mindset at this time in my life, so I toss your fic back into the ring once again.

I did read it though. I'll say it needs work, but it was a charming read.

Once again, I apologize.
>> No. 85808
Synopsis: The life of a time traveler is usually an easy one. Nobody tells you what to do, when to wake up, where to go or what to save. You can skip all those boring Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons at your own discretion, and quickly get to those exciting, adventure-filled Saturdays when everything is possible. Once in a while you get turned into a pony and flung into another universe, but that's certainly better that getting killed by an astronaut at Lake Silencio in Utah.
However, when a bizarre, nigh-omnipotent mish-mash of a creature with the head of a goat shows up uninvited inside your TARDIS, it's usually a good reason to panic...
Doctor Who/My Little Pony crossover, taking place during "The Return of Harmony", and elsewhen. This is the first thing I ever wrote.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EdTmSEUpCWr6oYpKa74UQB_xie6Bw1z-dVIoV8VfcJY/edit - Chapter 1 (already reviewed; submitted for continuity)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PBGyP9gXDQn6Q6763ylj4J8f9qncPbArnPenv3TFo9Q/edit (New)
Comments/requests: Criticism regarding anything is greatly appreciated. The first chapter was reviewed by Pascoite
>> No. 85811
I got Hyperexponential's review of "Mistaken for Strangers."
>> No. 85816
:-( Hey it's fine, thanks for reading. I appreciate you took some of your time to read it. Any general thoughts, or big things you can share?
>> No. 85817
:-( Hey it's fine, thanks for reading. I appreciate you took some of your time to read it. Any general thoughts, or big things you can share?
>> No. 85819
:-( Hey it's fine, thanks for reading. I appreciate you took some of your time to read it. Any general thoughts, or big things you can share?
>> No. 85826

Sorry about repeated posts, my computer was in a downward spiral to blue screen. I just got it back up
>> No. 85838
I'll take your ideas into consideration, but I think some of them I won't take. Not that I don't see where your going with some. I get the the idea is to get the adventure part running, but that doesn't happen till Chapter 4 and most of your cuts are kind of damaging to the overall story. As for revisions and such, well I've decided to just hold on my attempts to get this to Equestria Daily for now. Just focus on making the fic itself where I am.

Still, I'm grateful for the help. Thank you.
>> No. 85850
File 132979762643.gif - (497.68KB , 640x480 , 1329592387988.gif )

Trixie will take this poor, poor misguided foal off your hands.
>> No. 85857
I claim this as mine since it was recently abandoned. Expect a review maybe tonight.
>> No. 85858
S'cuse me, but Exarona claimed my fic almost a week ago, saying he'd do the review the next day. He never did. Is there a procedure for 'unclaiming' a fic if the reviewer that claimed it never does the review?
>> No. 85861
File 132979909163.jpg - (80.21KB , 894x894 , on_the_top_by_jack_a_lynn-d4pciv9.jpg )

Chapter 1

Okay, I’m taking a bite out of this thing. This story is as long as my own, but I found both your synopsis, and EQD pre-reader comments, to be intriguing.
What follows will adhere to the raised concerns, but will not be limited to them. If I find a line to be unproductive, an insight to be redundant, or an expositional attempt unworthy of the narrative, I’m going to tell you about it. This thing is going to follow a stream-of-observation format. I don’t have the time to roll back and edit analysis as I go along, so you you’re going to get it as I read it.

First line-
>It was the twilight years of Equestria.
This is an awful start. It’s awkward and clunky, and while I see the tone it’s attempting to set, it will only achieve it with the most sophomoric of readers. Spin it out a bit. Try-
>The land of Equestria was in the twilight era.
>It was the twilight age of Equestria.
And frankly, this should be connected to the follow-up sentence. It doesn’t stand alone very well, as it lacks clarity as to whether your talking about twi the character, or you’re describing the spirit of the times, and it’s jarring. Now, given the next line, it would be most suiting for it to be something like-
>The age had come to be known as the Twilight Years, and she was sure whoever had come up with the term had thought themselves to be incredibly clever.

>She stood up from her throne and trotted over to the balcony.
Yes, but HOW is she doing it? You’ve created with a few lines an opening of despair, of the resignation of hope. I want this conveyed in our beloved characters actions. See-
>She rose from her throne and trotted forlornly over to the balcony.
Further, when she gets there, what does she see? How does she feel about it? What does the land/sky/city look like?

>The lavender ruler would occasionally fall into a fugue state during
1) LUS. Use her name more often than not. Or… get clever with it.
2) Instead of “occasionally”, set the tone more strongly with “increasingly”
3) “fugue” is inappropriate. Suggest going with “despondent”
As such-
>The Twilight Princess was increasingly prone to falling into despondent states, during which she would close her doors, turning away all petitioners.

Okay, less than a page in, and what I’m seeing is that you’re setting up this world, but your narrative doesn’t carry across the severity of it all. Take this-
>Some farmers would still come and request longer days and brighter light
Farmers who’s crops are withering and families are starving, wouldn’t come to “request”. They’d fucking BEG, they’d plead with the one whom all of their lives rest upon. You need to take these opportunities, and really use them.

>With the sun hidden for the day and the cover of complete darkness, evil things would come out
Redo this-
>With the meager sun gone for the day, the blanket of complete darkness ruled, and evil things owned the long nights.

Hyphens. You should learn them.

>In the courtyard below the night guard were preparing for their patrols. Their job was incredibly dangerous.
Another perfect example. “Their job was incredibly dangerous.” is profoundly telly. Show me! Describe them! The veterans scarred hides, a missing eye or ear or wing, the abraded armor, their torn barding! The fear in the eyes and stance and scent of the new recruits. So. Much. Potential.

>A council of the most powerful unicorns in all of Equestria
Heh, love it.

>It had also banished all of her foalhood wonder regarding Heath’s warming Eve.
This sticks out like a sore thumb. Totally out of place.

>And so Twilight had been left with the power and responsibility to create and control a new sun.
This conclusory statement, and the previous explanatory paragraph are profoundly lacking. For the subject matter your treading, you need a metric ton of “OOMF” and it comes across as dry and un-engaging, which is extremely frustrating, because I WANT to be engaged by it!

>former mentor
>former teacher
I get it. Celly’s dust. Drop all the formers, and have Twi reminisce about her more directly.

>the princess wings

>wrapped comfortingly around her in a protective embrace.
yessss. and? Does the embrace set her at ease, like a warm mug of tea on a winter’s night? Does it hold all the world’s terrors at bay? Does it turn her on? Gimme something more.

And here’s the profound failing of fimfiction- it lacks the easy emphasis that gdocs allows. While they shouldn’t be over-used, a word in italics here and there can have a very dramatic effect. I suggest you take the time to go back and place a few.

>The price she would need to pay would be the blood, sweat, and tears of all of her ponies. And even then, some things would never be better.
I’m not seeing how Twi is connecting this scenario with “better”. Needs more extrapolation.

>startled out of her reprieve
You mean “reverie”?

>She spun around and smiled as she saw that it was the captain of her guard and chief commander of Equestria’s military.
Pay closer attention to the order of your operations.
She should spin, startled. Then see who it is, and then smile in recognition. Neh?

>There is no need for formalities when we are alone.”
Did he bow or something? You left this completely out.

>The pegasus before her frowned while speaking, “We aren’t alone.
Could be more awesome. And smooth. -
>The pegasus before her frowned. “We aren’t alone.

Whoa. Your characterization of Dash really threw me. Staunch formality is NOT something I’d expect from her, even given her position… which she got… how?

>her multi-hued mane thanks to a regular and meticulous dye job.
Auuuuuughhhh. I… ugh. You should meet Sali. You an that bugger have this same idea, and it drives me batty.

Your time line work is a bit jumpy. You open with “an age of an era” feel, then reveal the other cast are still alive, then go back and forth in the feel of it. Like this-
>Once Twilight had realized that she would probably live indefinitely
How and when did this occur?

Huh. Your telling of Celly’s passing seems so… irresponsible. Sure, she may have felt Twi had it in her to be the next princess, but to just let her sun go out with her? wtf is that? And where the hell is luna?

>If this is anything what it is like to give birth,
um… no. It’s probably nothing like that Twi.

>Then you would have been at least twenty percent cooler.”
With fire, you must kill this.

End Chapter One. Okay, yeah, I’m really feeling the frustration of the pre-readers here. This story deserves to be told, and told well. You have such a unique cant on the vision here, that what you need to really do is bring your expositional abilities up to par with it. It’s a matter of practice mate, pure and simple.
>> No. 85863
File 132979927049.jpg - (68.22KB , 500x500 , 130342174778.jpg )

Chapter 2

Moving into chapter two, we have this initial line, which is foundational to setting the tone for the chapter.
>Twilight stood in a chamber beneath an arching dome.
See, what we’re lacking here is a sense of the visceral impression. The experience of the scene itself, savvy?
So, how do we achieve that on a communicable level? Well, questions must be answered. How does it feel to be in that room? What is it made of, what colors and textures are predominant, and ultimately- how does the character in question feel about being in the room (not necessarily axiomatic with the first question; in fact, a strong counterpoint between reader impression and character impression can go a long way towards emersion).

>would magically morph to represent the state of her domain.
Yeah, but what does this mean? Are we talking shifting national boundaries, areas of danger, sites of incursion, what? Make it real.

First paragraph, word rep. In four sentences, you have two “door”’s and two “domain”’s.

>she might scatter the beasts with concentrated light. While it was possible, such an act would leave her exhausted.
Yeah, not to mention almost certainly turn a here-to-fore unaggressive new race hostile.

>There would also be a much worse consequence than just a few days of night. If her sun ever winked out, she would need to reignite it. It was a fact most ponies did not realize. Luckily, it had never come up.
This deserves a hell of a lot more expo than you’re giving it. Is there precedent for this event, is this something she’s constantly struggling against, has she had to do it before and if so what was the cost, etc etc.

>They are getting bolder
“growing” is far more apropos in terms of the rigid formality you’re setting the tone with.

>"Your majesty, if I may
This paragraph seems to have double spacing for some odd reason.

>he is now supporting their actions.
that’s quite the extrapolation for Twilight to simply accept at face value, even disregarding her own suspicions. You’re too eager to get to the “war” segment that you disregard the needed build-up, and it shows.

>The earth pony’s strong muscles seemed to ripple in agitation.
this should not be its own sentence, it stands out like a sore thumb.

Google the difference between en and em dashes. Not many will know, or care, but you’ll feel better about it.

>her lips were puckered into a tight line
by definition, lips don’t pucker into a line, they thin. Neh?

>Taking a life of another pony was wrong, even if he was a bad pony.
This internal diatribe is good, but this is the kind of thing Twi would need to deal with personally, don’t you think? To know for sure! I feel she would be driven to talk to this offender one on one, in private, and try to understand! THIS absentee scene could have been a real tone-setter for the momentum you’re working to establish.

>scratching post
very amusing. Well played there.

>Her still ungrown

>Her still-ingrown

>the Princess of the Fading Sun
… Oh. Now THAT is poignant. Full approval sir.

>She was not happy with the constant presence of the sentries
rather overplayed trope at this point

>All ponies understood that their ruler gave so much to their nation and wanted to give something back in return.
The profound oversimplification of this analysis bothers me no end, although admittedly, this is a theme I’m tackling in my own work, so I may have a conflict of interest here.

You have a thing about unfulfilling sentences. Not flat-out fragments, but stand-alone statements that harm rathe than benefit the flow. Prime example-
>The ponies of Equestria loved their current princess.

You also have a thing for switching from a formal, detached narration style, to a more personal, subjective perspective. It comes without warning, and is clearly based on your own head-cannon. The result is a bit jarring, and some minor editing would take care of the problem. Consistency in narration is exceptionally important.

>Equestria had seen their new princess mourn Princess Celestia.
Some somber reflection could make the following scene a great deal more powerful. It deserves to be.

Many instances, Twilight’s speech comes off as far too rigid. Mechanical almost, and somewhat redundant. For an example-
>I’m afraid that I have been indoors and not been able to see if I have been moving it properly since sunrise.”
Keep a mind to fluidity when writing dialogue. You wish to achieve the tone of the character, both in verbosity and mannerism.

Another thing I’m noticing, is that you have blocks of dialogue, then an action, then a block of dialogue, etc. Experiment with some iteration, I’d say. EG-
>”Yes, thank you Virgil,” Twilight said, a tired little grin on her muzzle, “I shall head there this instant.”
Mostly, the above is a reflection of not just telling the reader what’s being said, or whats happening, but HOW it’s being said/happening, and what they can get from it. In this manner, you can actually foreshadow events OUTSIDE of direct narration, by building an emotional tension purely from a reader’s inference.

>As Twilight trotted towards the throne room leaving a beaming pony behind her
Don’t forget commas to separate the distinction of events.
In this case-
>As Twilight trotted towards the throne room(,) leaving a beaming pony behind her

Welp. That’s chapter two. I have to say, I can understand your AN at the end. There are SO many directions you could have taken this at this point, and I admit, I’d have been inclined to go a bit darker. Granted, I’m extrapolating from the tone you’re setting, so I don’t really know how far you take this in further chapters. Nevertheless, I can empathize with your struggles.

I have to commend you on your grasp of grammatical rule. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate running across an author who knows the basic rules of writing fiction. It lets me spend more focus on the things I find more interesting—the plot, characterization, congruity, fluidity, etc.


Now then… see, I’d like to keep reading this, (and very likely will) but I just don’t have any reliable segment of time to be able to honestly commit, and I’m genuinely sorry for that.
So that said, if you actually find my somewhat straight-forward critiques constructive and useful, you can request that I take on the next chapter. Your call. Although given you have a quite devoted readership on FIMfiction, I’d have to have some words from you that you’d actually be willing to act on whatever you consider to be salient points.

In either event—Cheers, and keep on writing mate.
>> No. 85873
I've received my review.
>> No. 85875
File 132980234573.gif - (216.37KB , 1440x1440 , ♫Clap Rave♫.gif )

Let's jump straight in.

>Elementary School and the pink pony walked in a changed filly.
You could afford to put a comma in between 'School' and 'and'.

>but it curled and poofed up.
Unless her hair is doing that at that very moment, change the tense of the sentence. You could get rid of 'it' or just add 'had' after 'it'.

>in to
Make that one word, just take out the space.

>Ponyville Elementary School
Strange, I didn't think that Pinkie lived in Ponyville when she got her cutie mark, in fact I'm pretty sure she didn't. Change that.

>"Finally done with school." He said to himself.
Combine this into one sentence by converting the period to a comma.

I'm gonna stop focusing on grammar at this point, unless it's very major.

>Night Mare
One word.

>physic ward
What do they do there? String theory? It should be Psych ward

>He then asked the little filly clutched to him.
This should come before the dialogue.

>Close enough.” Pokey said
Make that a comma.

You sir have done something right, because I am lost in the story, instead of looking for mistakes. You describe emotions with accuracy and your tale and OC can easily be related to.

Finished the first chapter, and I was going to stop there, but I cannot stop reading this.

Honestly this is the most engaging fic I have read in a long time and I have read countless fictions. Now let's see how chapter 2 stands up.

You sir are a genius, you have converted me from review mode to reader mode. It took me a few seconds to realize exactly why I was reading this again.

THE FFFUUUUUUU What are you? Honestly, when pinkie said she had a date i felt hurt by that. You have a gift, and this is your 4th fic? Sweet Celestia help us when youg et even more experience....

... I'm just gonna shut up now before I say something I've already said. However I will say this, your story makes me want to punch Noteworthy in his one good eye...

Should be thought. Don't know but that mistake stood out to me. Back to this amazing story!!!

I was just forced to take a break for various reasons... and I hated it, I didn't want to stop reading. That is a large sign to a high interest story.

again THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU What are you doing, either I am the biggest sap in the history of the world (not likely). Or you are a master writer, you're playing my heart like a violin and at this point I am shaking in anticipation...

For goodness sake I lurk /b/ and 4chan in general obsesively, yet in the thousands of b'aaaw threads have i ever been this close to open tears.

I know that feeling all to well, and you did it, a single tear belongs to you.

There done with the story, summary time.

Even thought there are some mistakes in grammar and stuff, it is all overshadowed, at least for me, by an amazing story. A story that is a timeless tale, the kind that truly touches your heart. You sir have a gift and you msut spread it to others.

If I had to rate this fiction I'd give it a 99/100
BTW: a 100/100 means they should make it into an episode.

But do not take me wrong, there are mistakes that do need fixing.
>> No. 85900
Thanks for the review
>> No. 85941
File 132981153472.jpg - (51.03KB , 400x400 , russian roulette.jpg )
>Spins chamber
Let's see who's going to get their reviewing dreams answered...
...then have it become a horrible, horrible nightmare.

I think I'll claim...
This one: >>85431
This looks beefy. 26K words, eh? Well, [b]You ain't scarin' me![b]
Let's see what comes first; me finishing it, having to go to sleep, or dropping it in disgust if the admittedly-interesting synopsis doesn't live up to my expectations.
>> No. 85959
File 132983480666.png - (171.13KB , 419x415 , Thread update .png )
>> No. 85964
File 132983845480.png - (77.96KB , 660x773 , snarkle_colt.png )
Doing my part to help out the TG.
One question, RavensDagger - What exactly are you looking for in your review? Your post makes me think you want a thematic / style review, which I can do. Do you want me to also delve into grammar? Exactly how nitpicky should I be?
>> No. 85968
File 132983981716.png - (309.99KB , 900x675 , twilight doll.png )
I have a chapter that is incomplete and I'm desperate to get some feedback on it. I'm not even looking for a full blown review, but rather something quick that can tell me how it reads since my deadline is approaching rapidly. It is chapter three of a story already on FiMfiction, but the overall story has been delayed to hell and I'm finally made some headway with this piece. I've put a lot of effort into it, or just a lot of time, so I would be most grateful to have a reviewer give some feedback today.

I'm new to this thread, and I already checked out the TLDR google document. But I rather not wait 3-8 days for a long review with the pomp and circumstance about an incomplete chapter which needs to completed very soon.

A reviewer can skip chapters 1 and 2 if they wanted just to ensure some speedy feedback.

Please respond, and if its okay to have a review - I'll post the incomplete chapter.
>> No. 85970
Go ahead and put it on the TG queue, and let us know when it's there. Nobody can review a story that has no links. If I get Raven's story done quickly, I might be able to pick yours up, but if not, someone else might have the time.
>> No. 85972
File 132984112880.png - (78.41KB , 894x894 , wide eye pinkie.png )
Do you mean the submit form?

Or can I just post a google document in this thread.
>> No. 85973
Please use the form. Specify which chapter.
>> No. 85975
>> No. 85978
File 132984419430.png - (189.41KB , 900x675 , pony gilda blue.png )
It's up.

The title is "Griffon a Hard Time"

To you, or anyone else that gives feedback, thanks in advance.
>> No. 85979
File 132984571990.png - (195.13KB , 1532x1485 , CursorThinking.png )
This looks thought-out. I like that in a fic. Additionally, my quick skim didn't reveal thousands of grammatical errors, which is always nice.

I'll have your review ready within a day or two.
>> No. 85980
File 132984632722.png - (1.42MB , 3320x2600 , threadupdate 2.png )


>unclaimed: 27
>Reviews waiting: 20
>pending reviews: 15

Greetings all those who visit /fic/’s own training grounds.
As you can see were neck deep in unclaimed fics. We are all writers and we all make use of this wonderful establishment. We can’t force you but we will be mighty thankful if we could get some help here. Everyone with a decent feel for grammar and/or plot analyzing. Hop in.
We are merely a device to maintain and organize fics. It’s you who make us possible. Writers and reviewers all around.

Claiming a story can be done by linking to the post number. (>>xxxx) plus putting claim in either the subject line or the post itself. A title optional.

TARTDEFIANCE, your submission did not have a post nor a link to a story. Which leads to no possibility to review it. Please try again.


Grif | >>85522 | 2/19/2012 | | 1/13/2012 | The Exchange | Solitair | >>77730
Uma | >>84001 | 2/13/2012 | | 1/15/2012 | The Rise of Harmony | SpaceKing | >>78010
Vanner | >>82439 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/21/2012 | Ravenspire | Imperius | >>79026
Vanner | >>82423 | 2/7/2012 | | 1/21/2012 | In The Beginning | Mason al'Cat | >>79176
Seattle_Lite | >>85863 | 2/20/2012 | | 1/21/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>79352
Casca | >>82869 | 2/3/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Capes | Triscy | >>79713
EJN | >>85247 | 2/17/2012 | | 2/1/2012 | The Ballad of Asgard | Harkness | >>81192
Dromer | >>83306 | 2/2/2012 | | 2/2/2012 | Real Police Mares of Ponyville | starlitomega | >>81424
Pascotie | >>85689 | 2/20/2012 | | 2/4/2012 | A Dash of Magic | Zaiker42 | >>83565
Dromer | >>81999 | 2/5/2012 | | 2/4/2012 | A Ponyville Anthology | Mister Man | >>81823
Cassius | >>83369 | 2/11/2012 | | 2/5/2012 | Tales of Earthquake Island | Keyframe | >>81941
EZN | >>85526 | 2/19/2012 | | 2/11/2012 | [Pony-Net] | RavensDagger | >>83551
The Great and Powerful!Trixie | >>85853 | 2/20/2012 | | 2/13/2012 | Closer Than You Think | Nitrox Brony | >>83939
Haloperidol | >>85113 | 2/17/2012 | | 2/14/2012 | Through a Mother's Eyes | Lights | >>84168
Haloperidol | >>85662 | 2/20/2012 | | 2/16/2012 | Shy of the Night | Kirdus | >>84788
Split Infinitive | >>85741 | 2/20/2012 | | 2/16/2012 | SRB | iKw33r | >>84977
Dublio | >>85650 | 2/20/2012 | | 2/18/2012 | These Caves of Red | LunarShadow | >>85382
@n0nym0|_|53 | >>85875 | 2/19/2012 | | 2/19/2012 | When Pokey met Pinkie | Chappy Hooves | >>85592
Anonymous | >>85446 | 2/19/2012 | | 2/21/2012 | The Everfire | soundslikeponies | >>85390
Grif" | >>85765 | 2/20/2012 | | 1/18/2012 | The Last Elements | RavensDagger | >>78715


Sparky | | | | 12/29/2011 | In Fragments | James Corck | >>74834
Anendlessepidemic | | | | 1/10/2012 | Legend of the Five Ponies | Simon o'Sullivan | >>77208
TimeForKronos | | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
Chowderhead | | | | 1/19/2012 | Void | Damocl | >>78822
Bidoof | | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendship is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
Anonymous | | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
Simon o'Sullivan | | | | 1/30/2012 | The Quiet Place | Aynine | >>80806
Chowderhead | | | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
Josh Meihaus | | | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
Snarkle | | | | 2/9/2012 | The Element of Steam | RavensDagger | >>83057
Halcyon | | | | 2/10/2012 | The Eternal Gift | Josh Meihaus | >>83302
Pascoite | | | | 2/10/2012 | Moonbound | Warmblood | >>83349
Exarona | | | | 2/16/2012 | My Choices: Twisted Tales Through Time | Koolerkid | >>84836
Ion-Sturm | | | | 2/18/2012 | Rainbow Dash's Tallest Tales | Sciz | >>85431
AidanMaxwell | | | | 2/20/2012 | Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is. | SpilledInk | >>85748
EZN | | | | 2/20/2012 | Aetiology | smoulderfly & dasflash | >>85755


| | | | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
| | | | 1/31/2012 | The Three Souls | Athlon2736 | >>81058
| | | | 1/26/2012 | Reclaiming Ponyland | Margos | >>79897
| | | | 2/10/2012 | The Island of Marecadia | Jtylerg | >>83241
| | | | 2/10/2012 | Neo-Equestria | herpyderpy | >>83329
| | | | 2/10/2012 | A Brand New Reality | OrchestraOfOrder | >>83328
| | | | 2/11/2012 | A Star's Golden Chance | The Zephyr | >>83578
| | | | 2/12/2012 | From Canterlot with Love | Sagebrush | >>83644
| | | | 2/12/2012 | My Little Chrono Triggers Are Magic | Pav Feira | >>83749
| | | | 2/13/2012 | Cloud 9 | Professor Toast | >>83972
| | | | 2/14/2012 | Elysian Fields | Bullets | >>84038
| | | | 2/14/2012 | The Sunseekers | Candypony | >>84220
| | | | 2/16/2012 | Fluttershy’s Shadow: Chapter One - A doubt of a shadow | Broken Logic | >>84691
| | | | 2/16/2012 | My Little XLR | Alkem | >>84706
| | | | 2/16/2012 | Azurite Dawn | Tandyman100 | >>84726
| | | | 2/16/2012 | Caveat Emptor | Brony Z-Ro | >>84357
| | | | 2/17/2012 | The Canterlot Music Competition | TheOrchestralBrony | >>85108
| | | | 2/17/2012 | A Princess and a Potion, a Curse and a Cure | Sapidus3 | >>85162
| | | | 2/17/2012 | The Cloudy Stars | Fullmetal Pony | >>85222
| | | | 2/17/2012 | Total Magic Pony Island | Tailslover13 | >>85241
| | | | 2/19/2012 | Moonshy | hagi20 | >>85544
| | | | 2/19/2012 | Contact: Apple Harvest | Ty500600 | >>85571
| | | | 2/19/2012 | A Future Worth Saving | Flashgen | >>85668
| | | | 2/20/2012 | Aetiology | smoulderfly & dasflash | >>85755
| | | | 2/20/2012 | The Carnival of Chaos Chapter 2 | Dext | >>85808
| | | | 2/21/2012 | Colours Will Fade With Time | Nelrond the AlphaPony | >>85513
| | | | 2/21/2012 | Griffon a Hard Time | Tricky-Step | >>85968
>> No. 85981

EZN | >>85526 | 2/19/2012 | | 2/11/2012 | [Pony-Net] | RavensDagger | >>83551

This was acknowledged via email.
>> No. 85984
File 132984820240.jpg - (26.51KB , 385x335 , censored.jpg )
>pic censored because of PC rules
>> No. 85989
Not to be overly critical, but I feel that there's some issues with the way things are now.

There really should be some kind of guide or something stated in the beginning about "How to be a reviewer", "What do we expect from reviewers", "What does a review normally look like", and so on. It should be made more clear that anyone can become a reviewer and that there are no heavy expectations placed on reviewers.

Just looking at this blankly... It looks pretty intimating from a POV of someone wanting to get started with reviewing.
>> No. 85990
File 132985155110.png - (190.76KB , 3320x2600 , Standard.png )

> in her minds eye could envision

> Princess’s study

>. It had taken seeing Princess Celestia again after saving Luna from Nightmare Moon for the Twilight to realize how wrong she had been.
Maybe a comma before after and after Moon and why is that ‘the’ there?

>[.i]Why hasn’t she said anything yet?[/.i]
Why are those codes there?

>. Her horn tingled at the magical content
I’m such a durty purv

> the kiss in her Journal.
A journal named Journal? Or just random caps?

>, just not in anyway she had expected.
any way

> would be willing too...

> I don’t love
Dem codes again.

> For example I can feel storge, affection
Do you mean strong?

> and that Student the most capable
Random caps.

> to resit the

The end already, aaahhh.

Oh boy.

On writing not much, pretty clean as far I can tell. I don’t know if I can label it as such but it feels a bit purple. Sometimes you use words that can be replaced by much simpler words, there is a saying about a 10 cent and a 20 dollar word. But I forgot that one.

And maybe telling, but I suck at judging that. Try to look at the writer’s omnibus for a bit of a self-check on this.

Next is this for uploading to a specific site? Because you’re using BBcodes…. If this is for publishing to EqD, in this format, remove them… If you’ve added them for a reviewer to easily copy-past it into a review, you get a muffin.

You said something about OOCness of the characters. Well, sadly this is not my area of expertise, however I’ll give it a try.

First of all, I think having a relationship between Mentor/student already gives me a bit of an OOC feel. The reason I think so is because in my headcanon, Twilight sees Princess Celestia more as a mother than actual love interest. If you’re going for the fact how she acts, I think you’ve got her nicely down.

Next is Celestia a bit of the same as with Twilight. She cares for her student but, again, in my headcanon more as a mother/daughter kind of way. She’s a princess so normally you would expect her to use long words with lots of syllables. However judging from tiny appearances in the show, I don’t think she uses those when addressing ponies she knows in private (which she clearly is) The thingie about not knowing Luna was kinda silly, consider scrapping that.

I hope you found my review useful. I liked it and would like to send you towards Applejinx who is good at characterization, maybe he/she will be able to help you with that. >>53416 = Applejinx's thread.

Keep writing!
>> No. 85994
File 132985256781.png - (152.00KB , 3320x2600 , Silly me.png )
There are people who do different things. Some are good at OCs others shine at plot examination, some are downright Grammar Nazis, Some just complain, and there are people who ask the right questions at the right time.

There are of course different types of review and everyone reviews in their own way. If we are going to make a guide on how to review. Scrap that. It would take away my freedom, if I first need to read a guide in order to help someone, I'm not going to review.

Anyway, there shouldn't be a guide but more of a collection of different types of reviews. a simple Gdoc that sums up the diferent types of reviews.

>plot analizing
>small time edit

These are the ones I can come up with. Off course the hugbox is just for giggles, because it isn't really a review.

People are wise enough, if they want to review the probably had one themselves or have read some.

still feel free to write a guide and submit it. If it is any good. I'm sure people will consider it.
>> No. 85996
File 132985279710.png - (329.65KB , 945x945 , 1329774696299.png )

>Not to be overly critical, but I feel that there's some issues with the way things are now.
Thank you, The Training Grounds always loves feedback.

>There really should be some kind of guide or something stated in the beginning about "How to be a reviewer", "What do we expect from reviewers", "What does a review normally look like", and so on.
There have been dozens of attempts to produce a sort of "Intro to Reviewing" guide, as well as "Reviewing Standards" - needless to say, none of these guides have been accepted with anything approaching a majority by /fic/. Reviewing is not a standard thing... but the entire purpose of the Training Grounds is not to just provide easily accessible reviews to new authors, but to allow reviewers to discover their style and hone their skill. Still, you raise a salient point. I'll remember it... perhaps a review skeleton for new reviewers would be useful.

>It should be made more clear that anyone can become a reviewer
To quote the OP:
>⚫ Do jump in and participate if you can. New reviewers, editors and authors are always welcome!
>⚫ Reviewers: the writers want their work to shine. Highlight faults with gusto. Don’t fear compliments either: if something makes
you smile, a few kind words won’t ruin your review.

>that there are no heavy expectations placed on reviewers.
I'm sorry, but there are expectations placed on reviewers - those of the author. There is nothing that can be done about that fact, that's just how it is.

>Just looking at this blankly... It looks pretty intimating from a POV of someone wanting to get started with reviewing.
Oh, but don't be! Please, we need all the help we can get.
>> No. 85999
I suppose a basic review would look something like this:

>Applejack ran up the. Stairs and grabs the basket.
Applejack ran up the stairs and grabbed the basket.

Snips and Snails are wildly out of character here. They're not the brightest bulbs on the Hearth's Warming tree, but you have them doing literal rocket surgery.

Rarity went to Canterlot in Chapter Two. How did she come back to Ponyville in Chapter Three?

Overall, this needs quite a bit of work. You need to show and not tell, and such and such. You can find how to fix that in the Editor Omnibus linked in the OP. Good job avoiding LUS, though.

So some grammar things, story inconsistencies and things that you liked or didn't like.
>> No. 86000
File 132985505504.png - (113.18KB , 442x412 , applejack_smirk gashi-gashi.png )
That's certainly a style. Line-by-line tends to go more like:

>Applejack ran up the. Stairs and grabs the basket.
Applejack ran up the stairs and grabbed the basket.

If only because it is easier to type. Like I said, there are no real hard guidelines. Everything you mentioned could easily be part of a review.

All we really ask of reviewers is that they give it their best and that they do it to help the author to the best of their ability.
>> No. 86003

hey @n0nym0|_|53,

Thanks for taking the time to read my fic. Your observations have been added to my little "Don't make this mistake again" journal- yes I have an actual dedicated a journal for errors, how else am I gonna learn?

>Physic ward------ *facehoof* I should cut down on watching "Big Bang Theory"

I am very touched that you really liked the overall story so much that you lost track reading as a editor and started reading it as a reader. Your comments on how it made you feel is a flattering boost to the morale, which I hope to motivate myself with in demanding more when I'm writing and editing.

I also hope that you didn't switch in to reader mode because you saw too many errors that you just gave up keeping track of them- please be frank if you did, I can accept that and I wont take it personally.

>Close enough.” Pokey said
Make that a comma.
^ is a very common mistake I have found through all my works. If you've noticed recurring things like that, I'd like to know, I might not know the rule or am not mindful of it when proofreading.

Once again thank you for taking the time for reading it, it sounds like you enjoyed doing so, and I appreciate your comments.

-Chappy Hooves
>> No. 86005
I love this pony so much.
>> No. 86007

@n0nym0|_|53 is a good guy indeed!
>> No. 86008

The simple answer to your post is: We've tried.

The long answer is as follows:
There's a lot of guides that have been posted and peer-reviewed about the art of reviewing. My contention with the majority of them is that they show methods of reviewing, but not the reason why those methods are correct. From my experience in reviewing, here are three tools that every reviewer should have to form an effective review:

Tool One: The ability to Think Critically

Critical thinking is an art in and of itself. Without critical thinking, there is no analysis, no helpful advice, no anything. Essentially, a review without the reviewer thinking critically ends up little more than a quick editing look-over.

There are volumes and volumes of books written about the art of critical thinking. A quick use of Google has brought me this website: http://www.rogerdarlington.me.uk/thinking.html, which goes over the basics of what critical thinking is. Here's my recommendation for the fastest and most powerful way to think critically: join a debate team, if you are able. Competing in a (competetive) debate is the fastest way to test your ability to think critically. I also personally enjoy it, but different people have different tastes.

Tool Two: The Ability to Critique, AKA The Ability to Teach
Okay, you've found flaws in the story. How do you go about communicating them to the author? The second essential ability a reviewer must have is the ability to structure and word a critique in such a manner that is the most helpful to the reviewer. A review written without the goal of teaching the author is little more than a rant.

Again, there are volumes and volumes of books written about how to teach and what methods of teaching are the best.
The simplest answer that I can give in regards of how to teach through a review is this:

A) Structure your review in a logical way.

This just makes it volumes easier to read. Authors will be reading your reviews quite a bit, so make sure they make logical sense and your arguments are grouped in a logical manner.

B) Respect the formality between reviewer and reviewee.

This is a ponychan rule. Basically all this means is that you respect the author as a person and respect the work in accordance to the effort put in it.

C) Be stern, not impolite. Support the author, but not entirely supportive.

This is a point of major contention between reviewers. What works best: vinegar or honey? The best advice I can give you is: find your own style of review and follow it.

Tool Three: The Ability to Understand, Form, and Support Arguments

We've all seen poorly constructed arguments. They're not very helpful. A reviewer without the ability to explain the reason behind his arguments will not be able to answer any questions, should they arise.

There are three components to forming and understanding an argument:

A) Understand why the argument was made. Essentially, turn the critical thinking towards your own words, and the reasons given by the authors. Why are you suggesting this? How would this make the story better?

B) Back up your claims with evidence if needs be. What examples are there? How was this used effectively, etc.

This was all cooked up in an hour, so I may have missed something. If you have any comments, feel free to post them, or ask me in the IRC.
>> No. 86011

Ok I will take some of these into account and get into. I had hoped that the previous guy who reviewed this would pick it up again like requested but he seems to have dropped off the radar or something. Anyway it had been long enough so thanks for getting it.
>> No. 86012
>plot analizing
>small time edit

I don't really agree with this. Some writers want plot help before they want close proofreading. Others want just the opposite. I can't think that any other style is better. Nor is doing both at the same time necessarily a good idea. If the writer doesn't want it, then he or she shouldn't get it.

I also think that it's perfectly possible to have a huggy/hugbox atmosphere and also be a detailed reviewer. Not to single anyone out, but Chowderhead comes up immediately as someone who's both very descriptive and at the same time a really friendly, kind sort of commentator.
>> No. 86014
1) Tags:
Adventure, somewhat dark

2) Synopsis:
"Black horn, lost horn, found where it lies
Ebon Queen with crimson eyes
Beneath the earth she starts to rise
Sovereign of Shadow seeks her prize."

Thousands of years ago, the earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns founded Equestria, and asked the immortal alicorns Luna and Celestia to descend from the heavens and onto the earth, that they might rule them as their princesses.

They had forgotten that the surface of the world already had a dark and terrible queen, a queen that guarded her world jealously. A queen that had to be defeated, her physical body sealed deep within the earth in a magical slumber.

A queen that is beginning to wake up...

6) FIMFiction Link:

7) Review Requests:
I'd like to have all the current chapters reviewed, please (at present that's 12 chapters and about 47,000 words)

8) Comments:
This fic was submitted to EqD and I was sent here. Prereader E sent back this responce to me:
"Thank you for your submission. It has potential, but I cannot recommend it for posting at this time. Grammatical and style issues harm the presentation of your plot. Please find an editor on Ponychan or elsewhere to go over your fic with you and correct these issues. Also make very certain that Blackguard does not end up being a Mary Sue; your fic is likely to be judged more harshly by the fandom for focusing on an OC alicorn with an appearance that's so classically Mary Sue."

Since this is the comments section, I suppose I can add this: of the four major characters of the fic, the mentioned OC alicorn is focused on the least, though she does serve as the primary antagonist. So far the bulk of the story has been from the perspective of Twilight, Trixie, and Princess Luna. However, I am very aware of the fandom's dislike of OC alicorns and am striving to ensure that the alicorn does not become a Mary Sue, while also trying to leave her as a credible villain; I had originally set out, you see, to craft a villain who'd basically read the Evil Overlord List. Writing for Blackguard has shifted her personality and focus somewhat away from that, but I still want her to come across as a villain who's well aware of the usual villainous pitfalls and actively works against them.
>> No. 86016
Food for thought: does the samurai count as a hugbox then?
>> No. 86018

I find the entire "hugbox" concept to be consistently misapplied and misunderstood.

In fact, I'd say that it's almost never utilized properly at all - and that's assuming that such a thing exists, and I would actually lean toward the negative on that. I think that a "hugbox" is, in fact, an intentional oversimplification of a complex social paradigm.
>> No. 86019
File 132985991721.png - (110.49KB , 500x500 , 131778730685.png )
TTG is swamped with fics, time for that one discussion.

I kid, of course. Carry one with whatever it is you people want to say, just remember to sage. TTG's don't last long these days.
>> No. 86023
File 132986174014.png - (176.40KB , 600x700 , dark scoot.png )
What the heck is a "hugbox"
>> No. 86025
You are very welcome. But as I said before, your story is good, but there are mistakes there to be fixed. With a bit of work, I wholeheartedly believe this could and should be submitted to EQD.

And no, if I switched to reader mode because of to many errors I would have just put it down and told you to put it in libre office, a free word processor. Which by the way, if you do not have word, I suggest download libre office, it catches a nice healthy chunk of basic spelling errors.
>> No. 86026
File 132986238561.jpg - (52.35KB , 485x364 , Johnny Rotten smiling.jpg )
>This is not a review.

Having said that, let me point out some things just from the first chapter that stuck out at me.

First, you use ellipses a lot. I could five times in the first three paragraphs alone. Christ knows it's hypocritical as hell-- like Donald Trump criticizing Newt Gingrich's ego-- for me to point this out to you, but it does stick out like a sore thumb.

Second, you have a weird sort of distance from the protagonists in terms of language. It sounds pretty "telly" in the sense that you're using passive language when you really don't need to.

>Twilight Sparkle wrinkled her snout as she looked out her window. About an hour ago, she’d realized that she should have been asleep long ago, and promised herself only one more chapter of Goldhoof’s Gargantuan Guide to Grimoires. Of course, one chapter had turned into two, then three…then four…

If I was writing this, I would have something like:

>Twilight Sparkle wrinkled her snout as she looked out her window. I should have been asleep a whole hour ago. Didn't I promise only one more chapter of Goldhoof’s Gargantuan Guide to Grimoires? She flicked back a few pages, letting out a little sigh. I guess one chapter had turned into two, then three, then four, and here I am. She forced her eyes to stay open.

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with your writing style here, but I do think that you should consider making it more 'personal' (if you see what I mean).

Third, you have a tendency to pancake sentences together (which doesn't help with the passive voice thing). Something like: [ From the looks of things, it was midnight– the moon was suspended high in the sky, and the stars were scattered…oddly ] is a great example. I would write it something like [ It looked like midnight. The moon was suspended high in the sky. Yet the stars stood out, scattered so oddly. ]

Forth, you fluctuate between huge paragraphs and tiny one line things. I suppose this is nitpicking, but it looks distracting as a reader.

Fifth, I'd watch out for OOC attitudes. Like with:
>There was a knocking on the door, the sudden loudness of which nearly caused Twilight to leap from her coat in fright. Composing herself, she descended from where she had been, on the library’s second story, and down the front door. “Who is it?” She called. Not that she didn’t trust the ponies of Ponyville – it was just that old Canterlot habits didn’t die easy.

Twilight is introverted, but it sounds weird for her to just totally freak out at a mere knock. I also don't get the "Canterlot habits" reference; it just sticks out at me. I would expect her to just be like "Oh, my friends, bugging me at all hours" attidue-wise. I might be wrong though; I don't know.

>Again, this is not a review http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aumejrcEHs

>Just some advice
>> No. 86028
Dark Scootaloo = Mac from Fosters

Or am I just crazy?
>> No. 86030
Might not be a review, but it is a good start, and thanks. Also noticed you're tracking it on FIMFiction; thanks for that.

I'm not sure when I picked up my elipses habit, but yes, I do use them alot...and dashes - and commas, and other semicolons; things that result in pauses while reading.

I think it's a result of me trying to write the way I talk, or at least the way I think I would tell the story to someone if I were reading it.

This is probably not a good thing, but on the other hand it explains the "telly" habit you mentioned. I probably picked it up from one of my favorite books when I was a teen, which was the novelization of "In the Beginning," a Babylon 5 movie. The novel is written in an odd mix of first, second, and third person that I've rarely seen used anywhere else, and I suspect it stuck with me.

Pancaking sentances is probably a result of me hating short sentances yet desperately wanting to avoid run-on ones; the example you gave me just looks...wrong, for some reason, even though there isn't actually anything wrong.

Twilight's freakout could probably use a re-write, definitely. I was going...somewhere with it. Meh.

Anyway, thanks for your "not a review but suspiciously similar to one" comment!
>> No. 86032
File 132986375977.png - (278.94KB , 830x650 , keeper.png )
Title: Forbidden Knowledge
Name: Deighar
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Random][Sad][Light-Grimdark][Shipping?]

Magic is a dangerous art. Among the ponyfolk, unicorns were the only ones to master and manifest that mystic power. They wielded it through natural means, a course of evolution and ancient traditions. Such was the way of harmony.

Trying to uncover the secrets of arcane arts, one pony decided to cross the border. Devoted to a single goal, he would pay any price to succeed. And his success soon became his nightmare.

Chapter 1 (Revised): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HpzBMJhwdSXyFPAlqWCobzJPKuSSaxPEHIbN-VnDBXk/edit

Using the suggestions from the first review I got (made by Ezn – thanks once again!), I have revised this chapter to the best of my ability, hopefully removing most of the errors. Still, before moving along to the next chapters I really could use a second opinion. Currently, I’m trying to add more depth and background to the non-maincast characters.

Ps. I’m not aiming at EqD levels, I just want to make it enjoyable to read for an English speaker.
>> No. 86039
I don't know where else to put this, so I'm putting this here, since I figure it's most relevant here.

The character cap for a post in /fic/ has been raised to 20,000 characters.
>> No. 86048

A new Pegasus has landed in Ponyville. Literally! However, something about this pony seems off, but the ponies aren't sure what. Meanwhile, an old threat returns to Equestria. Will the Elements of Harmony be enough to stop it?



Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ujun29GT7xcX40WAJLDss5khbC1AOH3e3wufV-_utvY/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ccGA5NgFMAgjey2cWS5SwPa1vQCvAgXucwmzA3-Hjug/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11NkBpNn_NXAMtyf5k_IqcWd6y8vy41OstpYPd6gKEN4/edit
Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11tn8Yqs0FFsE6EAr6l7oPpGIoyWIGgbgbn19U4HIm1s/edit
Chapter 5: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZisJqYeZw2_3zdjxldilf96Psk56ngsPbWU1Jf4ns6s/edit
Chapter 6: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PVO7SwvuSI9wlVCNCwRpP0bmIEqSs6fVnrofgFhOmho/edit
Chapter 7: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Lng860JD-kNvvovr16DqzhW7UYbNk54cZhO9NS1BM6k/edit
Chapter 8: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10vNXmpogQ6e9IKamU9S73CABceKVnvbaRVcHtiHFy3E/edit
Chapter 9: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EIOXWNzWAT9LqtqmgN_gOndqjqyxxHEuVAMlOsQPa7s/edit

All chapters up for review

Message from Prereaders at EQD

Thank you for your submission. Unfortunately, we are unable to accept it for posting at this time. Please find an editor on Ponychan or elsewhere to go over your fic with you and point out errors in grammar and deficiencies in style. Please consult the Editors' Omnibus, especially the sections on show vs. tell and Mary Sue characters. Your fic would require extremely significant changes before we could consider it for acceptance, but if you are willing to put in that effort, then we look forward to your resubmission.
>> No. 86057
That's useful to know, but I have never seen a review or story synopsis 20k words long. I've seen one that's 14k, but never 20k
>> No. 86059
Characters, not words. Like, "This is a line" has 14 characters and four words.
>> No. 86060
Sure, you're welcome!

I'd like to make a few more little comments. Dashes, commas, and semicolons are fine. Ellipses are a different beast because they tend to stand out more and attract a lot of attention (at least to me). People pause all the time in speech (so I use ellpises in speech a lot) as well as in their thoughts (ditto), but pausing the narrative voice is different. I suppose it's analogous to how exclamation points stand out verses ordinary periods.

There's nothing at all wrong with trying to connect a bunch of ideas together in one sentence. It's just a matter of how you do it. Good writing has a healthy mix of short and long sentences. I guess you can think of it as like a sandwich. You want a mix of lettuce, cheese, tomato, meat, etc separated out by a bun. If you cram too much filling in there and thin out the bun, then it starts to look more like a 'meaty salad'.

It's important to try to write the way you talk, but you should always immediately look back at what you write. See if it makes sense from the point of view of someone you don't know. Personally, I do that all the time.

An example is my story Rarity's Vacation from Herself, where I have:
>Rarity felt a deep, dark feeling coursing through her chest. Did you have to say it like that? That exact tone of voice? She took a deep breath. Not exactly insipring confidence...

I first wrote that as something sort of like:
>A deep, dark feeling was going up Rarity's sides. She wondered why Twilight had to say it like that. The purple unicorn used such a weird tone of voice, far from inspiring confidence. Rarity took a deep breath.

But I revised it more or less as I was writing it (or seconds after I wrote it). You see what I mean about personalizing a story? Tie everything closer to the characters.

I strongly recommend against flip-flopping from first to second to third person. Personally, I only write first or third, and I stay with one of those through the whole story. One thing I often do, though, is stay in third person but swap from focusing on one character to another as a chapter ends. I think that's a pretty good compromise that retains reader attention as well as artistic room to move.

It's an interesting idea and you definitely shouldn't abandon the story, but I think it needs a lot of work.
>> No. 86064
File 132987388718.jpg - (41.28KB , 360x450 , JohnnyRotten_smug.jpg )
Eh... everyone is busy and the backlog is huge. I might as well review it. I sure as hell would rather read this than study anything more about Hamiltonian dynamical systems. I apologize in advance if my attitude doesn't seem particularly helpful.

Picture related since Johnny Rotten is always related. Also, I'm feeling smug at the moment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FnBq98uUJE4
>> No. 86065
File 132987448938.jpg - (18.60KB , 300x300 , JohnnyRotten_still_smug.jpg )
Please enable commenting so that I can review on Google Docs.
>> No. 86073
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Disclaimer: I do not usually do shipping stories, nor stories with the Mane 6 in them. However, the flaws in your story are very similar to what I see in many other stories.

Short: Mary sue. Ugh.


Just Keeper. He's like a tumor on the side of the story.

Change the font from consolas to arial. Consolas is for console. Arial is for writing.

No comments

Too much dialogue. Almost half of this story is dialogue. Put in more action, more description. What was scene X like that day. Remove statements like 'It was stormy' with 'The clouds flashed and the sound of distant rain could be heard' I'm almost certain this fic's length could be doubled if the story had more description.


Keeper is groan-inducingly perfect. He's so nice, he beats up bullies, he can see when he is supposed to be blind, he has a dark history with Twilight. Give me one reason to not write off this character as a super-cripple. He's a leech on the story, and unfortunately one of the main characters. Re-imagine him, make him more flawed. Make him something I don't want to associate with. As it stands, I have no reason to like this character. He's completely unrelateable, and I don't want to hear his story.

Prescription: Re-write most of this so that there is more description of the scene and what is going on around the characters. Make Keeper less groan-inducingly perfect. Finally, change the font from Consolas to Arial.

Keep writing.
>> No. 86075
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Title: Harmonic Chaos
Synopsis: For years, Pinkie Pie has visited one place every week, regardless of what is going on. For a few hours, she talks without interruption, until one fateful day when she is talked back to.

I'd like some ideas on a synopsis for this, because this one sucks. But, just some basic thoughts would be nice. I wrote this because Poptarts asked me to, and I promised him I would, so back to adventure stories.
>> No. 86080
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Be in awe, foal. The Great and Powerful Trixie has decided to grace your plebeian self with her presence.
>> No. 86083
...ah, I think I see the crux of my problem, and it's going to be...er, problematic.

You are probably a better writer than I am so I hate to say this, but basically what you're suggesting (or at least what it seems like you're suggesting) is less the narrator telling the reader what the character is thinking, and instead simply have the character just thinking it. Re-working things so we get inside a given character's head more.

But. Seeing too many thoughts in italics throughout a given piece tends to make me think of one novel and one author, and that thing is Dune and that author is Frank Herbert. I spent most of Dune wondering how the characters didn't sue Herbert for invasion of privacy; to me, at least, a certain amount of detachment is ideal, at least in comparison to what seems to be your suggestion.

Which is not to say that I'm entirely opposed to it; I just generally don't like to see a character talking to himself or herself in his or her own head unless that character is literally talking to himself or herself directly, and I prefer to do that sparingly, as anything else just seems invasive.

I have a funny feeling I've either a) started an argument I can't win here or b) completely misinterpreted you, though.

As for the whole active/passive voice thing...I probably have a problem here. Between these two:

>Dresden was shot by Kincaid [passive]
>Kincaid shot Dresden [active]

I honestly prefer the "sound" of the former, even though George Orwell is climbing out of his grave to kill me for typing that even as we speak. Prose in a passive voice has just always "sounded" better to me, though active voice has its place; mostly dialogue ("I've been shot!" verses "Someone has shot me!"). That's going to make things real hard if the people who decide what goes up on EqD have a hard-on for active voices.

Just my luck to get into a fandom with an abundance of English majors...
>> No. 86084
I'll start off with grammar and style issues:

There was a lot of dialogue in this chapter. I want to give you some tips on dialogue.

Avoid unnecessary "yes" and "no" answers. Simply have your character say what they want to say.

Since you are writing in first person, chances are that your protagonist will not quote people (or ponies). Can you tell me exactly what was the first thing somebody said to you today? If you can't, why can the protagonist?

You occasionally used cliches in your dialogue. If you've heard it somewhere else, don't put it in your dialogue.

You can get away with some strange punctuation in dialogue because people--or ponies--pause during their speech. You can't, however, have absolutely no pauses in their speech. Let the poor character breathe!

Do not have characters talk just for the sake of talking. For example:

Pony 1: "Blah, blah, exposition, foreshadowing, blah."
Pony 2: "What?"
Pony 1: "Elaboration on exposition."

Look how more natural this next example is:

Pony 1: "Blah, exposition, elaboration, foreshadowing, blah."

The semicolon: it's used to write compound sentences without a conjunction or list a group of objects with internal punctuation. They're beautiful. Use them.

The em-dash: it's used to accent parenthetical information and interrupt dialogue. It's also beautiful. Use it.

Demonstrative adjectives introduce a noun. They are: "this," "that," "those," and "these." Do not forget the noun.

When you see the letters a and e as in Caesar, turn them into a diphthong. (æ)

"God" is only proper when you are referring to the Christian God, as that is His actual name.

Now for plot issues:

Where did they get all the papers on Steel Wind?

Steel Wind has the potential to become a Gary Stu, be careful.

I'm having trouble understanding the faith.

Celestia can't use magic to help the protagonist? She raises the sun; she could do something.

Where's the Discord monument?

Celestia was a fountain of exposition. All she said was exposition; she needed some character.

Steel Wind is slightly more interesting now, but you have to get me more involved. He still bores me a little.

At the end of the day, I liked this story. Keep up the good work.
>> No. 86085
Um...spoiler warning, incidentally. I didn't even realize I was doing that until just now.
>> No. 86087

Commenting has been enabled on GDocs
>> No. 86093
I will try to cut down on the excess of dialogue. Long expositions of dialogue for explanations of things are something that I typically have problems with when I actually use it.

Also, the gary stu thing I have noticed and tried to dance as carefully around it as I could, but past this point there will be no more of those tendencies. And much of the fact that this is a crossover changes a few things with the characters themselves like there being no discord statute (explained later) and the rules by which the alicorns interact with celestial bodies and power is altered slightly. At first mostly those who know more of the series will get most of it but I am planning on explaining most of it as it goes along.

But I really do appreciate the review and will take much of it into consideration moving forwards.
>> No. 86096
>>85784 >>83349
Review word count/story word count ratio: 84%

>In thick sheets the rain
If you have a introductory phrase before the subject like "in thick sheets," it needs to be set off with a comma. You've used "rain" 2 sentences in a row, which gets repetitive.

>even inside Cantlerot
Another introductory phrase that needs a comma.

>whistle of the zephyr
A zephyr connotes a gentle breeze, but you've got a storm going.

>A flash of white lightning casts the shadows of seven ponies against the walls. They stand in a loose circle, centered on the eighth pony lying under the covers of a grand four poster bed.
I don't see how you can arrange seven ponies around a bed and illuminate the room with a single light source in such a way that the one in bed doesn't cast a shadow. "An eighth pony" would work better. Use of "bed" is redundant because that's what a four-poster is. Use "four-post bed" or "four-poster."

>Seven ponies blink at the flash, the eighth remains motionless.
Comma splice. What's on either side of the comma can stand as an independent sentence, which is inappropriate for a comma. Change the comma to a semicolon or split it into 2 sentences.

>A gust robs the air from the room to feed the flames, yet all the warmth of the fire flies out the chimney, leaving only a chill draft within the walls.
The first part doesn't make sense to me. There's wind inside the room? That fireplace sure doesn't work well. You'd think builders of a magnificent castle would know how to make a functional fireplace.

>half formed

>“Everypony here knows their responsibilities?”
Everypony is singular. While some mistakes are acceptable in dialogue, I believe Celestia's grammar would be impeccable. "Everypony here knows his/her responsibility?"

>Twilight nods with eyes that stare back unblinking.
It's hard to nod with eyes. Be careful where you place modifiers, and what meaning that placement implies.

>Her jaw set, ready for action.
This is not a sentence.

>Celestia inhales, as the moment of truth arrives.
The comma is unnecessary.

>Her eyes speak deeply of her emotion…Twilight
You need a space after the ellipsis, but... no. It's inappropriate for a third-person narrator to make judgments, ask questions, pause, or trail off. If you want to convey a pause, have it be in dialogue or an internal thought.

>A moment later the room blurs, swirling into a mix of color and light.
"A moment later" is another introductory phrase that needs a comma. Light is a mix of color. Redundant.

>The bed becomes the ceiling; the grand wooden beams the floor.
What's on either side of a semicolon should be able to stand as a complete sentence. Here, the second part cannot.

>Or is that just the color of the bedspread?
The narrator shouldn't be asking questions.


>All eyes are on her, Fluttershy and Rarity gasp.
Comma splice.

>But Applejack
I'll only mark this type of error once. It's considered improper to begin a sentence with a conjunction, except possibly in dialogue, where some rules are relaxed. Personally, I don't mind this practice, but many reviewers do.

>Some with ears down in doubt, others up and focused in keen attention for the slightest sign.
This is not a complete sentence.

>“It worked.” She says, almost toneless.
Improper punctuation of a quote and speech tag. There are three ways to accomplish this:
"Quote," speech tag with a speaking verb.
"Quote." Action with no speaking verb.
"Quote," speech tag with a speaking verb, "continuation of quote."
The first form is what you need here.

>try to rest, there is no telling how long this may take.
Comma splice.

>We will take shifts on who is standing if need be.
"On" should be "of."

>standing at the end of the bed supporting Twilight
I suspect you're missing a comma. This says that a bed is supporting Twilight.

>Very gently
Another introductory phrase. Comma.

>she whispers:
Comma, not a colon.

>Can you hear me, I won’t lose you again!
Comma splice.

>Rarity closes her eyes tight, to hold back her sympathetic emotions.
"Tightly," and the comma is unnecessary. Be very careful directly telling the reader what emotions there are. It crosses the line from show to tell. Give us the evidence of those emotions instead, and let us draw the conclusions, as it's more engaging.

>One crying pony is enough on such an occasion!
This is Rarity's internal thought. Present it as such. It shouldn't be in the narration.

>Earlier that Evening…
It's generally not a good idea to have to preface a flashback by informing the reader that it's a flashback. If it's a short enough scene, some writer will format it (or dream sequences, for that matter) in italics. You can also work a phrase, even a fairly explicit one like you have here, into the opening narration of the flashback to establish its time frame.

>and the land cloaked itself in a dark shadow
This implies that the land is performing the action that causes darkness, which isn't really the case.

>On the way
Needs a comma.

>Rainbow Dash suggested dragons.
Yes. I know. You just told me. I don't need to hear it again from the narrator.

>Rarity reminded her that their last “dragon-adventure” had actually turned out just fine.
The hyphenation isn't needed, and once again the narrator is repeating what the dialogue has already said.

>Pinkie Pie coyly suggested that the Princesses wanted to throw a surprise party for the six, “With a big cake! And banners and…” quickly placing her hoof over her mouth as though she was afraid she had ruined the surprise.
The transition from narration to quote halfway through the thought being conveyed doesn't work. Don't transition into a quote and back out within a single sentence. "As though she was" is a hypothetical statement, so it needs to use the subjunctive verb tense: "As though she were..."

Given that you're substituting this for "I," it needs to be capitalized.

>That calmed one pony
Beware use of this/that/these/those as pronouns. They're weak, as they almost always have vague antecedents. It's better to find an appropriate noun to insert after them to convert them into articles.

>the weather’s nothing, so long as we stick together we’ll be just fine!
Comma splice.

>It had been a fairly ordinary day in Ponyville, she thought the weather a little dreary perhaps
Comma splice.

>Spike had just left, complaining as he stepped out the door that his scales would get wet, to pick up a new book for Twilight (“Magic: a Candle in the Dark” by C. Starchaser.)
Move the "complaining" clause to the beginning, as it's a better flow and placement. Why would Spike care about wet scales? Water runs right off them. The period needs to go outside the parentheses. Book titles are underlined or in italics. Add a comma after the title to set off the author. The first word after a colon in a title should be capitalized. Finally, the narrator shouldn't be including a parenthetical element anyway.

>“Miss Sparkle, sorry to bother you, but well,” The lead pegasus looked to the second, who shrugged apathetically.
You don't have a speaking verb, so you can't use a comma to transition out of the quote. Based on how you're phrasing this, I suspect you need an ellipsis.

>right over there…” he gestured with hoof.
Start a new sentence. You can't transition out of a quote to a non-speaking action unless it's coupled with a speaking verb, but you've already spent your speaking verb.

>Wait, we have to find Spike too.
Needs a comma before "too."

>look, but he didn’t budge. The hard look

Needs a comma.

>knew Princess Celestia well enough to know

>on a whim.
>The pegasi circled
You've got an extra carriage return here.

>palace castle
? Which is it?

>It's towering spires
Allow me to hammer this into your head.
"Its" is possessive. "It's" is a contraction for "it is."
"Its" is possessive. "It's" is a contraction for "it is."
"Its" is possessive. "It's" is a contraction for "it is."
"Its" is possessive. "It's" is a contraction for "it is."

>despite it all.
Despite all what? This is a throwaway phrase that isn't adding anything.

>Rain slick stones

>With a jolt
Needs a comma.

>the pegasi touched down, a spray of water quickly followed their steps.
Comma splice unless you change "followed" to "following."

>The gallop
"Their gallop" would sound better.

>Each pony disembarked, careful of their footing
"Each" is singular, so use "her" instead of "their."

>to slowly back away
Split infinitive. Never separate "to" from its verb.

>The heavy oak doors of the palace
I'm just now pointing this out since previous instances haven't been bad, but watch for passive structures like you have here. Active language is more engaging. "The X of Y" usually works better phrased as "Y's X."

>Come here my friends, follow me inside and take a seat by the fire.
Comma splice.

>To the pegasi she suggested they get some rest and a warm meal
This phrasing feels clumsy, but I think it can mostly be fixed by adding a "that" before "they."

>Twilight first, followed line astern by her friends.
Incomplete sentence.

>There was indeed a fire burning in the great stone hearth, and they were all glad to warm up after the flight.
Oh, so the fireplaces in the castle do in fact work. Hm.

>White and black cushions in equal proportions
Proportions? Unless you're saying they have the same dimensions, "in equal numbers" would be clearer.

>Each one felt like lying upon a cloud
The nearest antecedent for "each," which will be the one assumed, is "ponies." That's not what you mean. Rephrase.

>at the time. When the time

>The six looked at each other in confusion. Twilight blinked twice.
I'm not going to flag every instance, but here's a huge show vs tell violation. I've got nothing here to paint a picture, and you're just outright telling me what the emotions are instead of displaying them.

>However after my sister returned
Needs a comma after "however" and "returned."

>to never again use
Split infinitive.

>I imagine if my sister was
Again, hypothetical = subjunctive. "Were."

>“As I was saying,” Celestia resumed after a pause. “My sister’s condition only grew worse.
"As I was saying" is not a complete sentence. Either she needs to trail off, or combine these sentences, using a comma and lower case letter to transition back into the quote.

>by this point
Always avoid "this point" phrases from the narrator. By what point? This point in the narration/story/timeline. It disengages the reader and reminds him that he's reading a story and not experiencing it.

>on this earth
In the human world, this phrase actually refers to the planet. It's really a nonsensical thing if it can refer only to soil. Lose it.

>Twilight dear,
These are both words of direct address, and need to be set apart individually by commas.

>magic on carrying them.” Twilight said
Incorrect punctuation exiting the quote.

>“Do you think that's what’s going on?” She asked as the pieces began to click into place in her head.
And again.

>We should explain.
We? She hasn't been using the royal we so far, and doesn't in the show.

>“Ah don’t really understand Princess, is it some kind of spell?”
Comma splice.

>who spoke up to try to explain to Applejack.
"Explain" is a transitive verb. It requires a direct object.

>“Well dear,
"Dear," is a noun of direct address. It requires commas on both sides.

Missing a space.

>“Why of course, it would be lovely.” Rarity said.
Incorrect punctuation exiting the quote.

>talent---Fabulosity, on the other hoof!---
You got a longer dash to work here before, so I'm not sure what broke. You can cut-and-paste one in. MS Word codes are Alt+0150 for a medium dash and Alt+0151 for a long one.

>it is not too difficult to break the spell, if Luna is in trouble, why didn’t she just break the spell?
Comma splice. Start a new sentence afer "spell."

>Well my dear,
"My dear" is direct address. Comma.

>I need your help---
The thought isn't being interrupted or derailed, so an ellipsis would be more appropriate.

>There was an audible indrawn breath from Fluttershy and Rarity. Rainbow Dash’s face showed her dismay. Pinkie Pie looked on in a state of disbelief. Hardly anypony could believe the situation was that grave. Yet hearing it from the Princess herself…
LOTS of telling going on, and no language to help me picture any of it. We have the narrator trailing off again as well.

>Others agreed.
Not all? "Others" used alone like this implies a subset.

>Celestia’s eyes upon her young student
That sounds uncomfortable.

>The sound of Celestia and Twilight’s hooves
Assuming the sound is from the hooves of both, "Celestia's."

>marbled tile
"Marble," if you mean the material. Nobody says, "granited counters," for instance.

>They are the only ponies in sight, everything else is quiet as the light slowly fades outside the windows of the palace.
Comma splice.

>They are the only ponies in sight
Why the shift to present tense? You've been using past tense during the flashback.

>Beyond the walls
Needs a comma.

>“None of this is your fault Princess, you know this!” Twilight responded, trying to cheer the Princess, and rather surprised that she would apologize for anything.
See previous comment on usage of "this" as a pronoun, though it can be allowable in dialogue. However, you've done it twice in one sentence. We're back into past tense now.

>I ask too much of you.” She said, turning back to Twilight.
Incorrect punctuation exiting the quote.

>“To hope to save a sister
"In/For hope of saving..." Needs a comma, too.


>“For the lives of hundreds of ponies I have lived
I assume you're speaking about hundreds of lifespans. That's not what you've said.

>I am sorry
I've seen many writers use such formalism for the Princesses, and I do it myself. However, you've had her use some contractions previously. If she's going to be informal at any time, certainly it would be with Twilight, so why is she so formal here? Think about if and when you want Celestia to speak informally.

>the blink of an eye.” Celestia’s eyes

>intensity Twilight rarely glimpsed
"Glimpsed" is typically used for seomthing seen or thought. It's odd to see it used to refer to a sound.

>Uncover the source of this spell, and return to me the one pony that I might keep in my heart without fear of loss.
Yeesh. This has some harsh undertones. "You're great and all, but save the only pony I actually like, since you'll be dead before I know it anyway."

>Twilight stayed silent, she didn’t know how to address the Princess.
Comma splice.

>They are siblings yes, but to live so long a life…
You need commas on both sides of "yes," and this sentence should be Twilight's thought, not narration.

>Is this the meaning of eternal life? She thought.
Place thoughts in quotes or italics. The question mark, when necessary, additionally takes on the function of a comma in transitioning out of a quote, so "She" should be lower case.

>To live until all days seem as one?
This should be a thought as well.

>For her, the world is only beginning to unfold, and the idea of a lifetime passing in a flash seems impossible.
Back to present tense?

>I trust you with this so that you might prepare yourself for what comes next, for it will not be easy.
That's a clunky sentence. Reword so it flows better.

>“Woah…” Twilight gasped.
Why does everybody misspell this word? "Whoa."

>“Did you just…” Twilight asked.
If it's a question, put a question mark after the ellipsis.

>This would be a great spell to learn…
Two problems here. First, this needs to be a thought. Second, thoughts count a speech, and Celestia's already spoken in this paragraph. New speaker = new paragraph.

>I must go help the others in their tasks.” Celestia said, turning back.
Incorrect punctuation exiting quote.

>leaving Twilight standing alone before the empty fountain.
You made special break text to say when the flashback occurs. If you insist on it, you should do the same thing to transition back out of the flashback.

>There is color, here, there, a pastel cloud shines like dust motes in a sunbeam.
Comma splice.


>to find something to grab hold of
Dangling preposition.

>she realizes she has no hoof to speak of.
Dangling preposition.

>Nothing could prepare her for this, the feeling of incorporeal existence. How could she have no body? How could she live?
Weak use of "this," the narrator shouldn't be asking questions, and "can" for present tense.

>The colors around her emit only the slightest emanation of light, rapidly fading from view. Soon it seems the darkness will be all that remains.
"colors" is getting overused by now, and all this talk about what's light and dark is getting repetitive and boring.

>Twilight! A voice intones.
Same rules as a quote. Don't capitalize "a."

>Calm yourself, breathe deep.
Comma splice. "deeply"

>Twilight realized she hadn’t for a long time. She took
Show emphasis with italics. Past tense now?

>But Celestia’s words were true, she could do it
Comma splice. Past tense?

>She used an old trick
Past? Your tenses are getting jumbled.

>That was too close for my liking my dear.
Direct address. Comma before "my dear."

>She is within Luna’s mind… how odd to think… but no, she shook that thought away, she had to keep focused on saving Luna.
No pauses in narration. Past tense "shook." Comma splice.

>On one hoof, yes, she was. On the other, no, she couldn’t imagine where to begin.
Past tense.

>Navigating another pony’s mind is not an ability we are born with.
Dangling preposition. Sometimes excusable in dialogue, but surely Celestia gets it right.

>you need only think, to attempt to move physically in this plane is redundant.
Comma splice.

>Though I feel compelled to admit,
"I feel compelled to admit that..." will avoid a sentence fragment problem.

>memories, it has rarely been necessary.
Comma splice.

>Right, Twilight thinks, observe, find patterns, lets figure this out!
Format these as thoughts. If you want to differentiate between Twilight's own thoughts and those put there by Celestia, use italics for one and quotes for the other, but be sure to be consistent with how you choose to format Twilight's thoughts throughout the story.

>Twilight herself wasn’t sure how long she had to watch before the patterns began to show themselves.
Past tense, but it's going to be awkward to rewoek this sentence as present.

>what each memory meant
Past tense.

>she could feel
Past tense.

>The thought tempts, it dances in her head.
Comma splice.

>Throughout her life
Needs a comma.

>the books of libraries
That's a clunky phrase, and surely libraries weren't the only source of her books.

>one that recurred
Past tense. You've also got two parenthetical descriptive phrases stacked up, which disrupts the sentence's flow.

>she tries to sense what might be contained.
Contained in what? I can't tell if you mean whatever is contained is simply inside something, or restrained by something.
>> No. 86097
>If she had them, the hair on her forelegs would be standing charged with energy.
Um... She does, unless she shaves her legs.

>about what she was to do.
Past tense.

>She could have spent more time observing, did she really understand? Where will this lead her?
Comma splice, tense issues, and questions in narration.

>At the last moment
Needs a comma.

> into a maelstrom,
Repetitive, and an unintentional indentation.

General, jotted down as I read, and expanded later:

- There is a general show vs tell issue. In many places, there are emotions just given to me by name instead of presenting the evidence and letting me conclude what they are.

- The use of present tense is a little risky, as it's more difficult to keep it flowing in a way that makes sense. Particularly near the end of the chapter, the verb tense become jumbled between past and present, and it's confusing.

- There are constant problems with comma splices, correct punctuation in transitions from quotes, and lack of commas.

- Sentence structure was rather repetitive in the opening scene and non-dialogue parts of the flashback. Many of these sentences also feel short and clipped, but when you go for longer ones, you tend to fall into comma splices and run-ons. Sentence structure should follow the mood of the scene. Short, rapid-fire sentences, even with some repetitive structure, work during action sequences because the flow fits the mood. You don't have any action yet, so it's better to focus on broader sentences to accentuate the building tension and mystery. I appreciate that you tried to do this during the final scene in Luna's mind, but you ended up rehashing the same information over and over. Each sentence should do something new: provide new action, new characterization, or new description.

- You're having a hard time drawing a line between Twilight and the narrator. If that's really how you want to play it, you should consider rewriting your story with a first-person narrator, but be warned that it's difficult to do well. Otherwise, keep the two separate.

- I assume you'll make use of the other 5 Elements at some point. I don't see a point to their presence so far.

- Celestia's characterization seems good so far except in the couple of detailed spots I noted. It is strange to see her so melancholy about other ponies' relatively short lifespans. Surely she's come to terms with it by now, and can delight in the time she does have with each of them.

- Twilight seems in character as well, with her bravery overcoming her trepidation, her willingness to do anything to help, and her knowledge about / ability to deduce what's happening.

- You've created a nice atmosphere that complements the mood of the plot. The scene-setting is done well.

- The plot is interesting, and your opening scene provides a good hook to grab the reader. The psychological intrigue is a nice touch that isn't done that often; in fact several of the elements you've used here are very similar to two of my own fics.

This chapter is a promising start to your story, and I would continue reading it. Whip it into shape and learn from the experience. Keep writing and have fun with it.
>> No. 86099
There's nothing wrong with deciding to avoid thoughts in prose. I just think that making this choice is sort of like tying one hand behind your back, so to speak. Still, it's just a preference.

As an author, I tend to have an even mix of internal dialogue and external dialogue. If you look me up on fimfiction, you'll see that. But that's not really a good thing or a bad thing. It just is.

But everything that I just wrote still doesn't change the fact that you need to personalize what you write. Get your audience inside the head of these characters. Keep out the passive voice. It's vital. Because the most important question you must ask is: "Why should the reader care about these characters?"

Ironically enough, I'm an economics major (hopefully I'll have my M.S. this year) and a former chemistry major. So, in all honestly, I like the passive voice as well (to an extent) in academic-type writing. I've never read Dune. I watch the PBS Newshour constantly. I was going to watch it right now, actually.

It's fine in academic or technical writing to be de-personalized and passive, but for action-based fanfiction writing that's character driven... that just doesn't work. Remember: "Why should the reader care about these characters?"
>> No. 86103
Incidentally, before I begin, has Equestria Daily always been...well, strict...with their submission requirements? Past Sins is coming to mind here. Don't get me wrong, I loved Past Sins, but even a quick skim of it reveals a story that I don't think is significantly better written than my own (certainly at least I spotted numerous spelling mistakes), and the version I've read has apparently already undergone two revisions!

Anyway, herein lies the problem. Active voices in narration make me want to put down whatever I'm reading, which is about as uncaring as you can get about a character, as I find active voices in the narration obtrusive. The whole *point* of third-person narration is to have a narrator who is not him or herself involved in the story, but an active voice suggests just that.

So fixing the story as-is will require me to re-write a significant portion of it to create something that I myself would not want to read, and going forward into future chapters I will have write something I would not want to read.

That is not a recipe for success, or at the very least it is not a recipe that would allow me to actually finish the story. This isn't even touching on the issue that I'm not certain I could even identify a given instance of an active or passive voice when looking at it as my knowledge of sentence structure is only rudimentary at best.

As for making the readers care about the characters, I've never seen that as something that is really under the author's control, and certainly doesn't have much to do with the voice he or she is described in. Case and point, most people love Tom Bombadil. I hate the bastard with the intensity of a thousand suns. I don't hate him because Tolkien used the active voice or the passive voice to describe his actions; I hate him because he's a useless character that shouldn't of been included and I was glad that he wasn't in the LotR movies.
>> No. 86107
Sorry, forgot to include all the links in the last post:
>>86097 >>86096 >>85784 >>83349

And two final things I forgot:

>Yes, and if I recall correctly, you advised against permanent enchanting. That was after I enchanted my books to float along behind me so I didn’t need to focus my magic on carrying them.
Repetitive use of "enchant."

I was never entirely straight on why Celestia needed Twilight to help and couldn't do it herself. There was a bit of hand-waving about how parts of their magic are incompatible, but nothing directly stating why Celestia couldn't poke around in Luna's head. She also never gives any indication of exactly what Rarity can do to help with her magic, or why she reminds the other Elements of their responsibilities (whatever they are), then sends them off to bed.
>> No. 86108
Don't ask me about EqD. Ask one of the pre-readers. Everything that I've told you has been from the point of view of "I want to make this story something I'd like to read even if I didn't know you"... not "I want to make this something EqD would want".

I think you're drastically underestimating the ability of third person language to be both action oriented and personalized while also (a)not including thoughts and (b)allowing a certain distance for the reader since the reader knows more than the character. You're making a link that isn't there. Active and personal doesn't mean intrusive and emotional (unless you as an author want that). As a reader myself, it seems like reader excessively passive and overly bland language is kind of like trying to read a story where there's pop-ups all over the screen. It's distracting.

I'm not really sure what to say other than to recommend that you read more fanfics, especially by reviewers here.

Let me do an example. Here's a section from a chapter I wrote called 'Hot N' Nasty' about a Ponyville drinking contest:

>She glanced over and looked across her back, everything as wet as if she had jumped into the nearby pond. She then scanned the rest of the field turned fairground out in front of her. Ponies darted about in all directions. "Come on, if everypony else can stand the heat, so can I," she muttered.

>"Oh, Twilight, what are ya'll thinkin'?" said a voice from behind the purple unicorn. Twilight spun over and saw Applejack creeping up, balancing a long tray of apple fritters on her back. "Didn't you see my big keg of lemonade? I'll just grab a glass, just be one sec."

>Twilight nodded and smiled. She wandered off into the crowd. Her eyes danced around from Snails as he jumped onto a teeter-totter to Roseluck as she shoved her flower-filled pushcart to Pipsqueak as he spun around a little carnvial-style prize wheel. Twilight tossed about her head a bit to shake off some more sweat.

That's the character-driven, action voice above. Now, I'll rewrite it in description-driven, passive voice below:

>Twilight was feeling wet all over her body. She looked to be as wet as if she had jumped into the nearby pond. She was looking out in front of her as well. The field had been turned into a fairground by that familiar orange pony. Twilight was in the middle of a crowd that darted about in all directions. "Come on, if everypony else is able to stand the heat, I am able to as well," she muttered.

>"Oh, Twilight, what are ya'll thinkin'?" said a voice. Somepony was standing behind the purple unicorn. Twilight spun over, and she saw that Applejack was creeping up behind her. The orange pony was balancing a long tray of apple fritters on her back. "I guess you have been looking for my big keg of lemonade? I will be walking over to get another glass soon, just be one sec."

>Twilight was nodding and smiling at Applejack as she was walking off into the crowd. The ponies were moving about around her, doing their own little things. Snails was jumping. onto a teeter-totter. Roseluck was shoving her flower-filled pushcart. Pipsqueak was spinning around a little carnvial-style prize wheel. Twilight then tossed about her head a bit, and she was thus shaking off some more sweat.

Note that both sections had exactly the same things happen. But you can see that the tone is clearly different, can you?
>> No. 86110
You changed the dialogue, though. Dialogue *should* be active since that's how people tend to speak, and having had that problem highlighted I'm already working on changing it in my story. But the narrative sounds better in the passive - albeit with longer sentences than what you used! Gah, attack of the pet peeves...

Hang on, let me try to re-write that scene to see how it would have turned out were I working on it...

>Twilight glanced at her back, which was as wet as if she had jumped into the nearby pond. She then looked to the rest of the gathering, and the ponies who seemed to be taking the heat much better than her. "Come on," she told herself, "if everypony else can take this, so can I,"

>"Oh, Twilight, what are ya'll thinkin'?" said a voice from behind the lavender. Twilight spun around and saw Applejack had come up behind her, a long tray of apple fritters balanced on her back. "Didn't you see the lemonade stand? Ah'll just grab a cut, be just one sec..."

>Twilight nodded and smiled. She wandered off into the crowd. Her eyes danced around, spying Snails, as he jumped onto a teeter-totter; Roseluck as she shoved her flower-filled pushcart; Pipsqueak as he spun around a little carnvial-style prize wheel; none of them seeming to be as concerned with the heat as she was. Twilight tossed about her head a bit to shake off some more sweat.

I don't know what a teeter-totter is.

...also, why does Twilight wander off after Applejack's gone to get her lemondade (but not yet returned with it)? Probably makes sense in context...
>> No. 86112
Okay, good.

So then, its review time. I made a lot of comments on chapter one. To be honest, I really didn't want to keep reading given the state that chapter one is in. You need a good opportunity to revise the whole thing (and that way I won't be spoiler-ed as well).

The mane six behave like themselves, more or less. Twilight, I would think, would immediately want to play a big role with this new character. She'd be curious where he's from, how hurt he is, what he knows, and so on. I didn't get that at all.

As for Lightening, he comes across as bland as a potato. The reader is told later on that he will become this powerful, special (demi-god? alicorn?) being. This basically has both typical Gary Stu problems (first being blandness, and the second being glorified uber-abilities) in one. I like the way he looks, and I like how he got there in the first place.

A mysterious character falls from the sky. I'm a sucker for those types of plots, but it is pretty... derivative. I'd try to think up something more creative or more original that you can add here.

I'll be honest. I had a really hard time reading this. It felt like homework. Basically everything was told to the reader. Everything was in a passive voice. Everything was descriptive.

The thing is: You have some potentially interesting things happen. The mane six debate where this OC comes from. The OC is injured badly. He goes through a horrible medical ordeal. he's told that he may never fly again, and he flips out. The mane six grills him about who he is. Pinkie throws him a sympathy party. Applejack agrees to take him in.

Interesting stuff! And very little of it is shown to the reader. The reader is told about it all obliquely. There's a great story here, somewhere, but I'm not actually reading it. I almost feel like I'm reading a bland press release by NME about a riotous party where Liam Gallagher got arrested and Richard Ashcroft just might have gotten someone pregnant.

Dude, show me the party! Not the press release! Show the details. Don't just refer to things in passing.

I would maybe give this a 2.5 out of 5.0 Don't give up on it, but give it serious work. I know this is kind of a slipshod review, but I hope the comments at least point where to go.
>> No. 86116
I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree. Just now, I deliberately rewrote that passage while thinking: "I'm going to make this as bad and as unreadable to me as possible, while still conveying the same technical information."

So... yeah. If you like the rewrite more, then I don't really know what to say. But if you're writing for an audience-- any audience, not just EqD-- I think that the vast majority of people would prefer the more action-oriented, character-driven language.

I hope I don't come across as a dick, but you get my main point, right?
>> No. 86117
Title: The Journals of an Equestrian Nobody

Author: StrongBrush1

Tags: Romance

Synopsis: After being kicked out of his home in Canterlot, a young guitar-playing colt named StrongBrush leaves for Ponyville to find his way. But after setting eyes upon a local girl named Applejack, he finds more than he asked for. Told in journal format, as read by a human author.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/12359/

Chapter(s) to be reviewed: One

Comments: I am not the original author, but he gave me permission to post this for review while he's out of state.
>> No. 86132
Stop right there.

The author wrote:
"Wow, you actually picked up this book? AND decided to read it? You must have absolutely no life. But, whatever. You really wanna know what my life is like? You wanna know what it’s like to be a pathetic, all-but-forgotten colt like me? Here’s a hint: IT SUCKS."

He or she also wrote a little 'A note to the reader' beforehand as well that's confusing as anything.

Almost everyone who reads this is immediately going to think it's a trollfic. If it's not, then for Pete's sake begin where the action begins.
>> No. 86138

Yeah... it's not a trollfic.
>> No. 86141
Bumping since this one is getting closer to the top of the queue. Chapter 12 got a review outside of the thread, and is already published, so it can get dropped from the queue. Thanks! Granted, I have Chapter 13 ready for reviewing but... Meh, I already relinquished my spot. I can just resubmit 13 on the end of the queue.
>> No. 86143
File 132989708677.jpg - (48.79KB , 853x362 , 430325-vlcsnap_00029.jpg )
I have completed my review of "Rainbow Dash's Tallest Tales" and I declare it to be...

I need not bore the other viewers of this thread with a detailed breakdown of every literary misdemeanor you made (of which there was a refreshingly small number of), but I shall list you most common errors. Perhaps the ridicule and jeering of your fellow bronies will ring in your ears next time you write, so as to remind you to not make the same errors twice.

Firstly, your comma use is lacking, in that you lack commas. A common error, and one most readers will glaze over (as I did myself when I began to get involved in the story's plot), you should still try to work on this. The best way is to read it out loud and judge by the natural pauses you make.

Next is your abuse of parantheses. Your story contains several lengthy asides that don't weave naturally into the exposition, making the transitions to them rather arupt. Footnotes are an option for gdocs, but not FimFiction. Again, most readers won't notice or care about this sort of thing, but you should keep it in mind for your next project.

The ending was arupt and unsatisfactory, like counting every lick of a Tootsie roll before reaching the centre and discovering that someone swapped the candy centre with a rock. A good idea would be to have Scootaloo bump into Rainbow just before she's about to head off to another adventure with the Wonderbolts (assuming any of this was true. I don't think you ever quite reveal her story's validity). That would leave you with a solid open ending, should you ever decide to revisit this premise.

Finally, and this is the most superflous of my qualms, but it's rather lengthy for a single document. I would suggest finding suitable points to break it into chapters so that it doesn't frighten away any potential readers, so as to avoid a knee-jerk TL;DR reaction.

Overall, I greatly enjoyed the story, even to the point where I stopped "reviewing" and was simply riding the wave. It was a simple, fun romp with a good episode-y feel to it. Fans with a horn up their unmentioanbles might question some of the canon-tweaking you did, but I didn't find that to detract from the story as a whole.

Keep writing: This fandom needs more people like you.
>> No. 86148
Remove all of the early stuff before the story proper starts. Do it now. That stuff is like cyanide.

>like counting every lick of a Tootsie roll before reaching the centre and discovering that someone swapped the candy centre with a rock

For some reason, you made me giggle. So... thanks.
>> No. 86150
File 132990228854.jpg - (7.88KB , 251x201 , imagesCA1MJWMI.jpg )
I aim to please.
>> No. 86151
File 132990252446.png - (243.09KB , 480x422 , rainbowdashsoexcited.png )

Higher praise than I'd dared dream possible for my fledgling little entry into the realm of creative writing. Between the OCs and the way it flits between silliness, action, and sentiment at the drop of a hat, I'd feared it would be impenetrable to anyone but myself.

Thank you, not only for the time, but for making the countless hours worthwhile.

>"like counting every lick of a Tootsie roll before reaching the centre and discovering that someone swapped the candy centre with a rock."

Must've been one of Pinkie's (read the fic and you'll get it! /plug). I thought it over and decided that the ending really wasn't the last impression I wanted to leave the readers with, and then promptly took your idea and put together a final page and a half scene that won't make people cry. I was going to keep the sequel idea under wraps until I was certain I'd actually write it, but there it is. Bam.

This might be superfluous, since you tore through it with nary a comment on the subject, but I was especially nervous about how I'd handled the characterization of the OCs. If you could spare a moment to talk about what you thought of them in an email or one last comment, I'd greatly appreciate it.
>> No. 86156
First of all, thank you for taking time to review it.

Second of all, I cant shake off the feeling that you went into reviewing this story knowing that you won't like it. If it’s true then please tell me what is the point of such subjective review. It is impossible for everyone to like the same type of story / fic, and in fact they shouldn’t even need to go there.

I will address some of the issues pointed out by you in comments.

“I do not like this blind guy. He can manage to walk the Everfree but can't navigate a house?
I know, I know, special powers and all that. But seriously, why does he need to be blind then? What compelling reason aside from pathos does he have to be blind?”

Special powers… Why all of the sudden I have the feeling that I wrote a fic about Justice League or Avengers instead of MLP? His blindness is a part of the main story, and will be explained in next chapters.

“neglectful parents.”

Following MLP universe I would say that it means that she is living w/o parents and together with her sister.

“But it doesn't matter outside nor does it mess with my sense of coordination. In fact, I'm completely independent without any assistance like normal ponies!”

Blind people are independent to some degree, if they are familiar with their environment. Outside your house you simply ask for directions and follow a pointed out road. I’m quite sure that anyone can tell the difference when walking through grass, rocks or dirt road. The problems begin when you are in obstacle-ridden unfamiliar place (like someone's house).

“Please don't tell me he's this perfect throughout the entire fic. :I”

This perfect as in being polite? How exactly is being nice a problem?

“Okay, let's look at his accomplisments so far:
-Saved somepony's life
-Won the attention of BOTH FS and Ditzy
-Ditzy immediately is attracted to this completely alien pony that is also blind
-Speaking of blind, he doesn't need sight to navigate.
Seems a little silly for a character to be this perfect.”

- Yes, that’s how the plot began. It is relevant to main story.
- I would suggest for you to watch “Bridle Gossip” (s01e09) episode again. He looks different, that is why they stare. Nothing nice about that.
- On the contrary, like everyone else she is scared and she would rather run. And to be honest I wasn’t sure if I even should go with this tag. Because of how people react for the word “shipping”. Universe ruined forever and that sort of thing. Most of the time I prefer to stay away from such fics myself.

However, as I was writing this story I didn’t know (and still don’t know) how it will end. I felt that this “tag” would make sense past chapter 5, when the story develops further.
- He can feel the change of surface when following road. He asks for directions (Which isn’t pointed out in the fic, but I thought that people would get it anyway – my bad in this case).

“Really? There's making a point about low intelligence and there's Dinky being inattentive at school. I've been in lower education classrooms and the only people who can't list animals in the desert are the ones so far gone they'll be dependent for the rest of their lives. Make it basic math, or something similar.”

As above: I would suggest for you to watch “Bridle Gossip” (s01e09) episode again.
I take it the entire Ponyville must be, as you say it, so far gone. Because, only Twilight could recognize a zebra. If they couldn’t even identify their neighbours then how would they know of desert animals?

The only one family who would know a thing or two about desert animals would be the Apples. Therefore(as insignificant to the main plot as it can be), the assignment was more about visiting them and asking.

But then again, one is reality (we have our school system), the other is fiction shaped by the episodes. I wouldn’t interpret them as one and the same.

I revised the chapter to shed more light on non-maincast characters, not to make them feel unnaturally powerful. I can’t fit everything that one character is into one chapter. I can (or rather should) show only a glimpse before going further into the story. For now, I was trying to show the outside perspective of the stranger. Villagers portrayed him as something: amusing, intimidating, strange, wicked etc.

In the end it didn't really feel like a review, more like an angry quasi-MST rundown. But, perhaps I got my hopes too high up after the first one I received. Nonetheless, we are all just human beings.

Thank you for your review Dromer, and have a nice day. ;]
>> No. 86161

Anything else?
>> No. 86165
I'm trying to improve this for ED.com submission. They now have a three strike policy when it comes to repeated submissions of the same fanfic, so I'm trying to get this right, and I need your help.

Tags: [Slice of Life][Dark]

Synopsis: The pegasus who was one day to be known as Commander Hurricane started out as a grunt. A patrol officer for the captured town of Pteryx, Hurricane recalls one incident during her time there that changed her view of the Pegasus Empire – and her view of her close friend, Pansy.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/9304/Through-the-Eyes-of-the-Hurricane

Chapter to Review: Through the Eyes of the Hurricane (the link above will take you directly to it)

Comment/Request: The reviewer (Pre-reader #6EQUJ5) said it was shaping up well but that it wasn't quite ED.com material. I've addressed most of the minor points and removed the framing device that was pointed out to be bogging everything down, but this last one is causing me some problems:

Thematically, I felt this was just shy of right. This is really what we call an "idea story", the idea being that there are different kinds of strength, as exhibited by both Hurricane and Pansy. This theme only really comes out toward the end of the narrative, which surprised me in a way, as I was not expecting this to be overly thematic from the beginning. Some consideration for that is in order.

I've tried to address this by including about 500 words at the beginning to set the theme up (and a bit of background for telling the story in the first place) before going into the narrative. If you really want to push the boat out, then for comparison here's what the original was like:


But really, I just need to know if the current version is engaging enough on its own.

I'd like an ED.com-level review of this, as I'm trying not to waste my strikes on re-edits. Can you help me?
>> No. 86177
While I'm at it, I'll submit my other story for review as well.

Title: Celestia's Choice*

Tags: [Tragedy][Sad][Dark][Adventure]**

Synopsis: It is sometime after the founding of Equestria. As the unicorns, the pegasi, and the earth ponies try to create harmony in the newly built town of Canterlot, the secret ones watch from the shadows. This was not how things were supposed to go. Such inconveniences need dealing with.

Their ruler, the Queen of the Alicorns, should be doing something about it. Instead, they are left with a rebellious Princess Regent, the young (by alicorn standards) Celestia, and she has other ideas.

This is her chance to go against thousands of years of strife and bring everlasting peace to the ponies. If she can find the elusive Elements of Harmony, she may be able to strengthen the foundations of the Pax Equestria. But first, she has to contend with her younger sister, her fellow alicorns, and the ponies themselves... ***

Length: 14,659 words. That's divided into 3,914 words for the Prologue, 6,563 words for the first Chapter, and 4,182 words for the second Chapter.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11122/Celestia%5C%27s-Choice

Chapters to Review:
Prologue: Inheritance Too Soon
Chapter One: Frozen Memories (requires password to view)
Chapter Two: Puppets and Palaces (requires password to view)

Password: Celestia should install solar panels onto her palace rooftops

Comment/Request: While grammar, spelling, and punctuation will be important once this gets going, technical issues are not the priority here.

I'm more concerned with storytelling, characterization - especially with Celestia, given how easily that can go wrong - and with world-building. I don't want to bog down the reader with too many details, but at the same time I want the young Equestria to be brought to life. I also want to strike a balance with the alicorns, who are going to be tough characters to write about.

I'd also like some suggestions on the characterization of Clover and the rest of the founders. At the moment, I'm keeping them in line with the Mane Six personalities, so Clover will be very much like Twilight, Smart Cookie like Applejack, etc. I want to know if I'm doing it right, or at least if the characters are interesting.

I also want an opinion on the two OCs introduced, one in the prologue and one in the first chapter. Both will play important roles later in the story, so it's important they don't fall into any Mary Sue pitfalls or otherwise aren't engaging.

I submitted the premise on the Story Forge 3.0, if you want more details. http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/66025.html#77590

I must admit this is a bit of an experiment for me, so while I have a fair idea of how things are going to go, the details are still being worked out.

Anyone is welcome, but I'd prefer someone used to handling long fics, because it's the overall shape of the story I'm most concerned with.

*It was originally called Scarred Swans, in reference to Celestia's swanlike grace and to how she's going to get traumatized later in the story. Afterwards, I thought it'd be too obscure or odd-sounding, so I went for the current title. Better, worse, or should I try something else?
**Not fixed. While the premise is certainly not going to be cheerful, given the foregone conclusion, I'm having difficulty establishing the tone. Any comments on this after reading would be most welcome.
*** Could this be shorter? It gets the points across and seems suitably dramatic, but Celestia isn't mentioned until late, alicorns are notorious for putting prospective readers off, and I'm not sure how else to explain their role without giving away too many spoilers.
>> No. 86178
Okay, with no reply from Ravens I'll just do a standard review. Expect it tonight or tomorrow morning.
>> No. 86180
File 132992139577.gif - (288.80KB , 480x410 , twiawk.gif )

I do apologize, Josh; the combination of this fic being longer than ones I normally review along with my reduced free time has hindered my ability to get my feedback out to you earlier. I'm aiming to finish this by Friday, if that's okay.
>> No. 86183
File 132992461923.png - (172.93KB , 900x1228 , twilight is intrigued.png )
Talking to me?
>> No. 86190
Only if your pen name is RavensDagger. If so, what sort of review do you want on your airship fic?
>> No. 86194
File 132992934562.jpg - (10.28KB , 352x252 , 132135411142.jpg )
They all had their own quirks and vocal tics. The pirate was rather bland, but she didn't get very much screen time, so I suppose developing her further wasn't in the stars. I found them to be solid and varied, with Nimbus acting as a good counter-point to RD. For the roles you needed them to fill, they did their job. I wouldn't hand out any rewards for their characterization, but they're certainly in a upper-middle ranks of OCs. Hopefully you'll explore their personalities more in your sequel(s), as you've established a fair bit of backstory you can play off of.
>> No. 86208
Review acknowledged.

For the most part I think all your points are spot on. Thank you very much for the comments. I've made some changes to Chap 1-2 and think they are a lot better and am just going through checking for typos before I upload them. If you are interesting on seeing the change your comments have instigated feel free to look them over tomorrow.

If you are interested in looking over the later chapters (or just chapter 3) I would be pleased. However, with the twin powers of learning from my mistakes and extrapolation, I've done rewrites of chapters 3-6 as well and am just waiting till I've checked for typos to post.

I did notice that you did not mention your overall impression of what you read.

>>Then you would have been at least twenty percent cooler.”
>With fire, you must kill this.

Too overdone?

>You have a thing about unfulfilling sentences. Not flat-out fragments, but stand-alone statements that harm rathe than benefit the flow. Prime example-

I agree with this 100%. In some cases it's an intentional choice for impact, but a lot of times I just need to mash some sentences together or transform some into dependent clauses.

>You also have a thing for switching from a formal, detached narration style, to a more personal, subjective perspective. It comes without warning, and is clearly based on your own head-cannon. The result is a bit jarring, and some minor editing would take care of the problem. Consistency in narration is exceptionally important.

I was wondering if you could clarify this a bit. I think I know what your talking about, but am not sure.

Interestingly enough your comments on tone and emotional impact are something that I've told other people, but I think I just needed to hear it said too me.
>> No. 86211

Yea sorry about the BB codes. I put them in there so I wouldn't forget the formating when I posted on fimfiction, but didn't even think about them being annoying to the reviewer.

>And maybe telling, but I suck at judging that. Try to look at the writer’s omnibus for a bit of a self-check on this.

You're probably right about that. I've been told that is an issue with my writing, and I've been working on improving in that regard.

>First of all, I think having a relationship between Mentor/student already gives me a bit of an OOC feel. The reason I think so is because in my headcanon, Twilight sees Princess Celestia more as a mother than actual love interest.

Ironically I totally agree with you on that. I tend to like fics that explore the mentor/student, or mother/daughter type of relationship than anything romantic. Yet, I felt compelled to write this.

>The thingie about not knowing Luna was kinda silly, consider scrapping that.

Yea, I wasn't happy how that turned out, but was hoping it was just me. It was supposed to be more like "What about Luna?" Type thing... and I'm not sure why I didn't just write it like that.

Thanks for the review, hope you liked the story.
>> No. 86213
File 132994142690.png - (190.76KB , 3320x2600 , Standard.png )
liked it?

please, do tell me when there's a new chapter. I enjoyed it :D
>> No. 86219
File 132994364676.png - (77.96KB , 660x773 , snarkle_colt.png )
RavensDagger, you can find my review here.
I wish you the best in your continued endeavours on this story. It shows promise despite the errors in execution.
>> No. 86236
>Second of all, I cant shake off the feeling that you went into reviewing this story knowing that you won't like it. If it’s true then please tell me what is the point of such subjective review. It is impossible for everyone to like the same type of story / fic, and in fact they shouldn’t even need to go there.

My goal in reviewing is to educate and improve writers. As such, I make it my foremost goal to question the assumptions and logical jumps that the author makes in writing. Whether or not you want to take my suggestions involves the same process. Such is the art of critical thinking.

>Special powers… Why all of the sudden I have the feeling that I wrote a fic about Justice League or Avengers instead of MLP? His blindness is a part of the main story, and will be explained in next chapters.
>This perfect as in being polite? How exactly is being nice a problem?

When I perform a review, I look at the reasons why you included that element to the story, why you chose that word and where, and why you elected to make character X do action Y.

In the same manner, I look at and examine characters individually. I take them apart, and reconstruct them. Why would a character be like this? How does this character enhance the themes present in the story. Finally, I take that character, compare it to every other character I've written, seen, or heard about, and ask, 'How does this character stack up?'

Keeper stacks up very poorly. He's a story that I've read before. He's the kind of character that I would expect to see in a situation like this.

Here's the ultimate question: Why should a reader read your story, when he has the option to read another? What makes your story unique? What makes it stand out?

This is the question you must answer every time you want to write a story. Every character, action, and word must have a purpose that enhances the story.

Keeper does none of these things. I don't care for his dark past, because he seems to have gotten over it. I don't care for his scars, because he doesn't care. I don't care for anypony's safety because I know that I could shut the book at any point in this chapter and easily be able to tell that everything will be fine. He doesn't explore the breadth of human/pony emotion, he doesn't bring a smile to my face, he doesn't create a compelling question. He just is, and that's why I want him gone, or his personality rewritten so that it is apparent from the get-go that he is an interesting character.
>> No. 86263
Title: Paranormal Regrets

Tags: Sad

Description: Soon after Lyra and Bon-Bon take the next step in friendship, Lyra is killed in an accident. She's afraid that her death will drive Bon-Bon bonkers. She just wants to make sure Bon-Bon is happy. Can Lyra help her move on from beyond the grave?

Gdocs Link:

Chapter 1:

Comments: Title is tentative since I'm not really sure what to call the story yet and my description also needs work. I haven't sent the story to EqD, I just wanted to get the story fixed up first. As to whoever my reviewer is, pay close attention to story, logical plot elements, believable dialogue, sentence structure and all of that fun stuff. Thanks in advance!
>> No. 86284
Music Competition? Grimdark? Worth a look... Also the oldest one with tags I'll read that won't bog down my schedule for days on end.

If you'll enable comments in your GDoc for my email address or for anyone with the link, I'll take this story. I've cut-and-pasted text out of FiMFiction for my last few reviews, and I'm through with that for a while. If you're not willing, let me know so I can claim another fic.
>> No. 86285
File 132996025932.png - (199.18KB , 587x595 , 61628 - Discord Lyra artist strawberreth seapony.png )
Dibs. I feel obliged to help the TG out, and stuff. I'll get to it soon-ish.

>pic not even remotely related
>> No. 86290
If I've revised a story a few times, then can I still submit it here? I can do it again and again, right?
>> No. 86293
As often as you like, but do please put in the effort between submissions.
>> No. 86298
File 132996618469.gif - (1.66KB , 78x124 , Final_Starman.gif )

Well, I guess it's time for me to stop being a lazy git and help out. Noticed this fic has been in the queue for like a month now and I saw it over on FiMFic and thought, "Shit, I gotta read that" so I guess here I am. Try to get this done fast as possible.
>> No. 86312
Done with Dublio's. Now to work on my thread for a while.
>> No. 86320
Wow, that was some pretty fast turnaround. :D

Yay for Kurbz!
>> No. 86324
Title: Paranormal Regrets

Tags: Sad

Description: Lyra and Bon-Bon have always been known as friends. But when they decide to take the next step, Lyra's worried that it may not work out. True to life, an unfortunate accident leaves Lyra dead. Even without a body, can she help Bon-Bon move on with her life?

Gdocs Link:

Chapter 1:

Comments: Second draft.

What the last review found: Tense errors, lack of dialogue modifications (adverbs) and some sentence structure issues. All of these have now been fixed, yay!

Questions for the next reviewer:

Should I come up with a different title? Is this title catchy? How is the synopsis? Would you read this story based on the synopsis alone? Does the plot make sense so far? Is the ending intriguing? Do the characters act like themselves? Is the dialogue stiff and unrealistic? What are some suggestions on expanding the scenes? Am I missing important information or otherwise being confusing? Any other questions you can think of would be helpful.

I am concerned as to how to change the dialogue to make the background characters sound more IC, but I guess I can't fix that problem unless I read more stories.
>> No. 86328
File 132997094353.png - (9.27KB , 381x381 , Sum_Pony_peer.png )
Claiming Reclaiming Ponyland.

Okay, Margos, if you're still around, I know we weren't really on the best of terms last we communicated. But having seen that you've been waiting around for so long, I investigated your situation more and it is now clear to me that you obviously want a more in-depth review than what Isphone gave of all three chapters. So, I will do my best to find the examples of what the prereaders of EqD told you about your writing.

Just understand that you didn't commit any misdeed to invoke my frustration, but that what you did only superficially looked like an impatient/rude gesture that I have seen before. So, my mistake.
>> No. 86329
So sayeth RANDOM.ORG, so shall it be.
>> No. 86331
Since I don't want to be a lazy git, I shall review these.

>>83749 I've played Chrono Trigger, but I think I'll read the other chapters just because I feel like it.

>>84706 A crossover fic with Megas XLR and I can actually understand the writing. Sounds awesome. I'll take it!
>> No. 86347
[Comedy] [Random] [Adventure]

Synopsis: Every pony in Ponyville has been having gum and teeth problems. Doctor Romana T. Colgate--the only dentist in Ponyville--finds herself swamped by the sudden surge of patients and soon discovers there's more going on. With the help of her toothbrush, she embarks on a adventure to find and stop the pony responsible for this mess.

Chapter 1: Discovery

Chapter 2: Hidden Powers

Equestria Daily response: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EoBWEok8M5vKjjWjv2E40DtpWIAC-2ZvCmWh8hHz6lM/edit
>> No. 86350
Review acknowledged. Sorry for the late delay.
>> No. 86351
In the interest of (my) time, instead of giving a sweeping line-by-line like I normally do, I'm just going to tell you what I think of it. In other words, I'm skipping straight to the overall part. Kind of. This is all just my opinion. Take it with a pinch of salt.

What I think at the time of reading:
The title of the chapter sounds too similar to Feeling Pinkie Keen.
Wow. Every sentence has its own paragraph. Might want to combine them.
What's a Goozim? I've watched somewhere between ten and twenty episodes of Phineas and Ferb, but I have no idea what this is.
I can't tell what's going on or where they are. I see lava and robots and a column, but nothing else.
Dimension? What?
You're showing us what Perry thinks. You might want to show us what he sees.
It's at this point that I realized had I not watched at least between ten and twenty episodes of Phineas and Ferb, I would have stopped reading after a few sentences.
Doof? Is that Doofenshmirtz?
Your imagery leaves something to be desired, and that something is the ability to visualise it.
Switching between past and present tense is bad.
I've read autobiographies with better description.
Doof #2? Does this have something to do with that movie that I never watched? Because I'm totally lost.
Oh dear god you just switched to past tense.
Oh dear god you just switched to third person.
"Leave her hanging"?
Stratus City? I like that name.

Dammit. I told myself I wouldn't line-by-line.
>Several of the competitors had chosen to sculpt an effigy of his or her cutie mark...
Several of the competitors had chosen to sculpt effigies of their cutie marks...

...What the right-align?
...Who's speaking?
I can't tell what they're saying. Well, I can, but it sounds like just noise. Oh, that's Pinkie. It detracts quite a bit. There's a reason that whenever things like this happen in a show, the rambling character's volume is lowered until the rest of the characters' conversation is over. Or until the rambling character has something important to say. Or until the other characters have something to say to the rambling character. Your messy alignment does not help that in the least.

Reached its event horizon? I'm sorry, what?
Meanwhile in Canterlot... Wow. This reminds me of one of the first reviews I ever did. That's not a good thing, because that fic was terrible.
Poring. You pore over a book. You pour water onto a book.
I don't think Princess Luna would be happy to almost get hit by a death laser.
Six-state area. Okay, I thought that was funny.

First thing's first. I don't have a clue as to what's going on. You act as if the reader has knowledge of Phineas and Ferb. If I didn't know who they were, I would have withdrawn my claim. But, since I know who they are, I didn't. That might actually be worse.

So let's go over your story in ten points:
1. Perry is the only thing saving Phineas, Ferb, Candace, and Doofenshmirtz from a lava pit.
2. Phineas portals them into another dimension.
3. They go through some more dimensions. Normbots chase them.
4. The mane six are cheering on Rainbow Dash with some sculpture contest.
5. They have a picnic and talk.
6. They meet Perry and the gang. Song...?
7. Robots.
8. Luna. Laser.
9. Doofenshmirtz. The second. Or something. I don't know.
10. ...I could put something here, but that'd just be padding.

Your entire first chapter is nothing but setup. Here's the thing about setup chapters: They're often boring. Why? Because they often have nothing in them. The purpose of a setup chapter is to introduce the settings, characterize the characters, show their motives, and make the reader want to read chapter two. You did the first, but not the second or third, and for me, not the fourth. I'm guessing this is how the rest of the story plays out:
1. They team up to help Rainbow Dash do something about the sculpture.
2. They're hit by robots.
3. They beat Doofen-alt.
4. They go back and help Dash win the contest.
Sorry, but I'm not convinced I want to keep reading. Maybe you have a better storyline than the four points I just laid out. If you are, there is nothing in chapter one that shows that, and that's important if you want to keep your readers' attentions.

Pacing. Your pacing is very poor in Perry's stream of consciousness. I want you to read this entire chapter aloud, record it, then listen to it. Or, better yet, have someone else read it aloud to you. If you have to pause in certain places that someone else would have, then you need a longer transition.

Description. Let me give you an example of what I mean.
>If you’re gonna do something, Phineas, now’s the time!
>Wait, what’s that sound?
>Shouldn’t we have already hit the lava by now?
>What is this place?!
>What…of course! The Other-Dimensionator Remote!
>He opened a portal to save us! That was his plan!
Those questions are the questions I'm asking, and I do not find your answer nearly sufficient to answer my overarching question of "What is going on?" You're the writer, so you know exactly what's happening. In your head. I cannot see what you see. For me, what I see is what you say. Good description allows me to fill in the blanks. Bad description makes the blanks too large to fill.

My suggestions? This first person thing in the beginning is terrible, as is the present tense. Rewrite it in third person past to fit with the rest of your fic. That way, you can have descriptions that don't feel totally shoehorned. Though shoehorned description might be better than too little description, which you have.

This "Meanwhile in X" stuff is terrible. There's no other word for it. It's terrible. It does not work in writing. Just remove the line altogether. If you think that the story doesn't work without it, then that's a sign that you need to add more so it does work without it.

You might be thinking, "Well, if I don't say Without 'Meanwhile in Danville', the reader will have no idea what's going on in that last part." I say that you won't have to worry about that, because I already have no idea what's going on in that last part. Maybe it's because I'm dense and not a very thorough reader. But that's what I think.

Premise: 20/100
Execution: 30/100
The two numbers above are purely opinion. Don't take the exact numbers seriously, but if you think they're too low, then they're probably too low. It might sound mean of me to say that your story premise is bad, but I think your story premise is bad. (Really. When I hear MLPxPhineas and Ferb, I think comedy, not fighting evil robots.)

I hope that helped.
>> No. 86353
>> 83749

This is the crossover I saw on EqD and have always been meaning to read, although I never got around to it. Now I have the chance to. Sweet! Congrats on getting on EqD btw.

First off, the only reason your story has taken so long to review is because people saw the 55k word tag and ran away, not realizing that you only wanted one chapter to review. Since the chapter itself is only 2.6k, the TTG apologizes for the slow response. As such, I will review this chapter and help you to the best of my ability. That being said, I'm a human being so I probably made a few mistakes myself. But hey, it's all good right? Again, I apologize for the wait.

For the sake of the review, I turned on some Chrono Trigger music while reading it, because hey, it's supposed to fit. I know you're not supposed to add music links to your story though, it makes some people angry. I did this of my own free will, so it's all good. Anyway, I have played Chrono Trigger, so the scene is familiar with me. After reading chapter twelve, I'm going to go back and read the rest.

Small note for Gdocs: The unique font, especially bolded kinda makes it hard on the eyes. The funny thing is that the FIMFiction links don't have bolded words. :o I decided to just read that version first, although I'm aware that FIMFiction doesn't have the same formatting sometimes. I'll end up reading both just because.

Most of your review is done in-doc, but I'll mention a few notes here anyway.

The cursing. It breaks immersion when you don't ponify them. People just don't like seeing it. So use ponyfeathers, horseapples, or buck instead.

Lavender Unicorn Sydrome. Your biggest problem I think. Here's a copypaste from Vanner. Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

Starting sentences with conjunctions when not in dialogue. Some people say never to do them, others say that they're allowed only rarely. It's more of an opinion then, but it's good practice not to use them. Decide what to do at your own disgression.

Some of your wordchoices are weird and your sentences are redundant. Remember to watch that, repeating yourself tends to make your message much weaker. After all, if you use repetition to emphasize your point, it's not as effective. Especially when you keep saying the same thing over and over.

Not enough use of "said." I only counted one instance in this entire chapter. Since said is a nice invisible word, readers will pass right over it. Most of your speaking verbs were always dynamic and drew unnecessary attention to themselves. It's fine sometimes, but not every single time. It's often good writing practice to just stick with said along with the shouting and whispering versions.

The entire race scene was a tad confusing with the stream of thoughts thing. You're right, it does sound a bit awkward. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to help you with that. Considering the entire viewpoint is from RD, it makes sense to keep it though. Maybe another reviewer will suggest something to help with that but unfortunately I have no clue.

Anyway, I hope I was of some help to you. You can tell that this was the third draft because except for a few things, there weren't many mistakes to be found. Take care of the things I mentioned and then everything will be golden. They may sound like they don't matter but it really detracts from the experience a bit. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading this piece. I wish you luck and remember: "Never give up, never surrender!" Especially when it comes to writing and self-improvement.

Thanks again and come on back to the Training Grounds sometime. Now excuse me while I go read the rest of your story for fun. :D
>> No. 86358
I shall claim the below.

>>86347 If you enable comments in your doc, I can point out more errors. Otherwise, I'll just do my best with pointing out systemic errors and hoping that you can go through and find them yourself.
>> No. 86361
You may remove my submission from the queue. Oh and thank you Ion-Strum from your earlier comments.
>> No. 86362
File 132997963904.png - (198.69KB , 900x675 , gilda pony.png )
Okay, scrap the part about speedy feedback. I have just completed this chapter, and now would like a full regular review. For the reviewer, you can still just only do chapter 3, but skimming over chapter 2 will probably help since its really close to chapter 3. Many things are referenced there - and chapter two is really short.
>> No. 86365

Woo, a story about Gilda. I'd be happy to review this.


Your fic has been removed from the queue as requested. Have a nice day!
>> No. 86374
You don't know what a teeter-totter is? Are you some kind of fun-hating communist?
>> No. 86378
File 132998328258.png - (102.84KB , 710x675 , exile sweetie_belle.png )

Oh dear, lol. I tried! I really did! Still, the existing chapters could certainly benefit from additional review, so I definitely appreciate it. :D

Also, since you mentioned you're going back to the beginning... that collection in my OP is the EqD version so no comments enabled. Here's a comment-enabled collection if you want.

>Congrats on getting on EqD btw.
Thanks! Honestly, it still surprises me from time to time, particularly when self-reviewing my first draft :P

>people saw the 55k word tag and ran away, not realizing that you only wanted one chapter to review.
See, that's what I thought too, but the submission form pretty explicitly states "Total number of words in your fic (i.e. not just the part for which you are requesting a review)." So I went with 55k instead of 2.6k. If that's not the norm, though, I can post just the individual chapter length going forward.

Hmm... I prefer serif fonts, thus the switch. Is Arial super-duper standard around EqD? No sense in being a snowflake I suppose.

It's been a running gag of sorts that TS has been scolding RD over the pottymouth. Of course, since Ch12 is mostly RD's inner thoughts, she's unchecked here. Reader comments have been mixed: some people appreciated it as anti-pony-swearing metahumor, but for others the cursing is a no-no, full stop. In the absolute worst of cases, RD can heed the scolding and knock it off in future chapters. I'm still contemplating retconning it out of the old chapters, though.

>Lavender Unicorn Sydrome. Your biggest problem I think.
Oof, even in Ch12? :( Fair warning: the earlier chapters are worse. It's something I've been working on. Scanning the comments, I guess there were only a few infractions, so improvement at least...

>Some of your wordchoices are weird and your sentences are redundant.
I had absolutely no clue what you were referring to, until I checked the comments. Lemme say, wow... I had no idea that I was doing that! I'm definitely gonna keep an eye out for this going forward.

>Not enough use of "said." I only counted one instance in this entire chapter.
Epic lulz. The reason for that is because earlier chapters/drafts leveraged "said" far too heavily, so I was attempting to break up the monotony. Clearly though, I've erred too far on the other side. Moderation...

>The entire race scene was a tad confusing with the stream of thoughts thing. You're right, it does sound a bit awkward... it makes sense to keep it though.
Yeah :/ The plus side, at least, is that I wasn't planning to leverage that terse-inner-monologue style going forward, so at least I'll prevent future debacles. Still, reader comments kinda panned this part too, so it could certainly use some polishing.

>Em-dash versus en-dash versus hyphen
Blarg. Does anypony have a good reference for this? I only learned about it recently, and whenever I Google around, I run into conflicting advice. I'm a bit confused.

>>"How about I give you a sporting chance? How does a five-second head sound?"
Oh dear. O_O; Suddenly, clopfic.

And I think that's everything. Thanks a ton! Some of these pointers will be super-useful, especially going forward. Glad you enjoyed it!
>> No. 86388
Used for joining words
Examples: T-rex, pink-maned, pony-powered

>En dash
Used in between values (you have to use alt codes to get real en dashes, but no one should care if you just use a hyphen)
Examples: We won the game 27-13, the Sidney-New York flight is departing

>Em dash
Used to interrupt dialogue or in place of parentheses (but not always, there are rules). It's two hyphens with no spaces on either side and no punctuation (as in, "blah--blah" and not "blah -- blah" or "blah!--blah")
Examples: "I was going to--", you are my friend--my only friend--who is willing to help me
>> No. 86389
File 132999087495.jpg - (394.63KB , 1049x634 , eternal friendship copy.jpg )
>> No. 86390
File 132999327997.jpg - (618.81KB , 1600x1200 , River.jpg )
You're not asking too much at all; in fact, this is already something I've been considering. Once I finished the work and started showing it around, not only did I start receiving some early feedback, but I was more able to view my own piece through the eyes of a reader, and it made me realize several things; it's really exposition heavy, there's no action whatsoever, the characterization is really weak, and, as you said, it was basically me taking the opportunity to say, "This wuz wut happen lol," in a slightly more articulate manner.

So, I've started rewriting already, and I've completely removed the frame story of Asgard's returning to Equestria, and started just telling the story from the beginning. To fix the 'no action' problem, the opening scene is now the manticore fight, which was only briefly mentioned in the original, and the introduction of the character Stitch allows for some comic relief, as well as some more realistic character interaction.

Thank you so much for your review, as well as your support. I look forward to returning here some time in the near future with a chapter or three ready for review.
>> No. 86391
Just wanted to say this.

I see a lot of people wanting to do epic plots and stuff like this.

That's fine. But you need to keep in mind one thing:

Characters are top priority. If you focus on your plot instead of your characters, your story will begin to drag out and become stale and boring.

Fallout Equestria
Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons

Having an epic plot is a wonderful thing, but I've read so many fics that start out with great characters and character interactions only for them to fall to the wayside for the plot.

When your story begins to become more about the plot then the characters, you've fucked up.

Probably not the best way to word that I wanted to convey, but I'm tired as all hell right now.

Thank you for your time.
>> No. 86392
File 132999547633.png - (45.11KB , 400x434 , Sum_Pony_had_a_pony_like_that_old_Polish_lady_in_Seinfeld.png )
Prereader comments

I couldn’t really find out what all three of them meant, so I winged it somewhat, and just added things I found that I thought were worth commenting on.

1. “‘Show don't tell’ errors”

There were very few show-don’t-tells that didn’t come with something else bearing comment. Thus, these examples are purely SDT, and as such, are for the purposes of combating SDT in general.

(chapter 1)
The following three lines are prime examples of not only show-don’t-tell, but of ellipsis abuse, and informal speech in the narrative;
> Sometimes, though, she could almost feel it pulsating as it had once done, way back when it had held one of the most precious and powerful objects in the entire world… Well, that entire world, anyway.
> She always had been motherly, of course. She had practically raised her younger siblings on her own. She had always been like a mother to… to her friends, as well. She had never expected, though, to look the part of “Mommy.”
> Probably locked himself in his room again to do… well, whatever teenaged boys did in their rooms.

Unless you don’t mind writing in sencond-person narration, you need to steer clear of musings, questionings and second-guessings of the narrator - which most often contain appositives. Look out for them; they make one’s writing appear very amateurish.

> She had a happy family, a respectable job, a decent social life. She could sometimes almost forget her childhood completely.
“Respectable” and “decent “ are two highly subjective adjectives.

(chapter 2)
> Megan returned his smile, but felt an odd twisting in the pit of her stomach. Why should she feel so weird? This was an ordinary conversation on an ordinary day. Was it her empty locket? How did that change anything?

Here again you make the mistake of telling, not showing; setting aside how “ordinary” is boring and declarative rather subjective.

In general, the little things that should jump out at you when you edit: bland and subjective adjectives like “odd”, “weird” and “ordinary,” the worst of them (in this case) being “weird”. That’s because you’re telling the reader the way that she felt, instead of describing it. Granted, emotions are abstract things, but that’s where the magic of analogy comes into play, wherein you can liken an abstract thing to a tangible thing. In literature, the two most significant analogies used to describe abstract things are metaphors and similies.

> She sighed, looking down at herself and then around at the oddly serene landscape. Maybe she wasn’t the only thing warped and twisted by the years.
The first offending item herein is the adverb “oddly”, because the only possible way it could add meaningful information to the sentence it appears in is if it were describing Megan’s impression of it — in which case it is most certainly telling the emotion. Instead of declaring outright that the landscape is “oddly serene,” as if it ordinarily wouldn’t be, describe how it made Megan feel, or what it reminded her of.

> It was shaped like a giant gingerbread house, and decorated with all sorts of delicious treats. The sign outside dubbed it “Sugarcube Corner.”
The phrase all sorts of rings “telling” alarm bells in prereaders; “all sorts of” is really bland as a quantifier. Now I’m not saying to go Jules Verne on us and describe every single piece of treat on Sugarcube corner as though Megan were peering out into a sea of confectionery species. That would be too purple. Instead, for lists of things where a stand-in like “all sorts” would seem natural, find a compromise. By this I mean come up with a brief list of nouns, arrange them in a way such that the list sounds amusing when read, and then mash them together in a conjunction (presumably the way short_skirts_and_explosions does it). Then, you’ll have something that sounds way more interesting.

2. “Awkward turns of phrase”

I don’t really know what this means, so I humored it it and pointed out the most awkward things.
(chapter 1)
> Suddenly, another woman, much younger than she was, her blonde hair untouched by grey (unlike Mrs. Smith’s), strode into the office.
This is a lot of phrases stacked on top of one another. There’s nothing wrong with starting a sentence with a disjunctive adverb. There’s nothing wrong with an appositive describing the age of the woman, or her hair, or parenthesizing a non-essential appositive. All of them put together is cramped.

> She had finally gotten his attention. He looked up to Uncle Danny immensely, even though he was just an accountant.
A subtle awkwardness in the second sentence here: due to the present-tense nature of “looked”, it implies that at that moment in the narration he looked, with his eyes, up to Danny. To convey the point here, you should accompany “looked up to” with “had always.”

> She stared at herself even harder. She had noticed the beginning of Danny’s wrinkles, and realized that she was gradually getting her own.
This is awkwardly worded, because “She had noticed” practically implies she had just finished inspecting Dannys face. Furthermore, “realized” isn’t strong enough to make chronology and pathos more clear; one wouldn’t realize that a statement is trthe discovery, has to critique came first.

3. “Simplistic structure”

This is the fuzziest area, in that it could mean an overly-simple plot or a combination of other literary “errors.”

(chapter 2)

> She was too busy looking at the rainbow lights.
“Busy” is a terrible word here, because it connotes being actively preoccupied in something else, rather than enraptured by something.

> Dash looked to the sky, her hooves covering in her head. This was one of Pinkie’s psychic flashes, and they were absolutely never wrong. The twitching tail meant something, anything could fall from absolutely anywhere. “What is it, Pinkie?”
Your’e stating outright that this is the case (Pinkie Pie’s premonition), instead of being more subtle and making it so that the reader can infer her abilities.

> As a matter of fact, she had done just about everything! She had punched a dragon in the face!
ISN & SDT (“just about”)
Why did you include the appositive here? All it does is make your writing appear more amateurish. You must say what you mean to say in the story and.

(chapter 3)

> The library, as it turned out, was a hollowed-out tree. Megan was not surprised to learn this. What did surprise her was the vast number of books that it contained. How did ponies manage to write without hands? It was absolutely mind-blowing. The ponies that she had known in her youth had mostly told stories through oral tradition. The thought made her miss Paradise, the best storyteller in all of Ponyland, even more.
This has some seriously bad telling vs showing going on in it (esp. “absolutely mind-blowing” ), but also, your narrator is once again musing instead of staying on target.

> The locket suddenly glowed with a bright, magenta light that made Megan jump. When no one else reacted, she realized that whatever was going on was perfectly normal in Not-Ponyland. She noticed that the light that covered the locket matched light that was suddenly enveloping Twilight’s horn.
Here you could really stand to be more subtle and creative.

For starters, “whatever was going on was perfectly normal” is implied and can be inferred, and you are here making a statement and a declaration instead of an exposition. You could use fewer words, by instead describing how she reacts to their reactions (as externally manifested) - which would just as well establish that she figured out why.
>> No. 86393
File 132999562112.png - (25.04KB , 394x241 , Sum_Pony_asleep.png )
General Commentary

Overall impression: plot, characters and theme

Considering it’s third-person omniscient narrative, and how it’s Megan returning to a childhood land that has morphed and name-changed to something far different than what she originally experienced, it has great potential as a heartfelt psychological exploration and fantasy adventure. You convinced me that the sort of thing was going to happen in chapter 1. Instead, however, you dropped the ball and fell into the usual cliché cookie-cutter-ish trappings of the infamous-for-its-crappy-works genre that is Human-in-Equestria. That made the story become immensely predictable and boring by the middle of chapter 2. By this, I mean that I could practically see Twilight opening up an old book to find out what magic conspired to bring her to Equestria before even Pinkie Pie declared that she would throw the human a party.

Don’t get me wrong, this could be really great, but you’re going about it with a very naïve approach. I recommend that you study some old reviews of HiE fics (or read the fics themselves) to find out what not to do when writing a HiE story. Better yet, read Pride’s Arddun Lleuad (I haven’t read it, but I keep hearing it’s “HiE done right”). Then, try to avoid the bad, and work on the good. Keep the narration as poignant as possible, and place due focus on the protagonist Megan as she rediscovers her lost inner child through her adventures in Equestria. It could definitely be a legendary fanfic if you tried hard enough, and since Megan isn’t oft-explored territory (to my knowledge), it could very well be the definitive Megan fanfiction.

Megan, on the other hand, while starting well, soon becomes lost (the conveying of her emotions) to pony activity, which weakens the story’s theme. She should continue experiencing mixed emotions; she just ditched her family in Kansas. Let me put it this way: Sam Clemens said (and I agree with him): the personages of a tale, both living and dead, must exhibit a sufficient excuse for being there. The characters you build up around Megan should only be eliminated in presence, but not in importance, otherwise you have wasted the readers’ time. Thus, one thing that you could do is show their personalities appearing in Equestria as ponies she meets just like in The Wizard of Oz. You could also go the more subtle route of Princess Mononoke* and have some of the better values and ideals of adulthood and motherhood (that she learned from being in a family as an adult) grant Megan strength and wisdom — so that she’s not just abandoning everything, but that she’s learning from her exploration with a new perspective she lacked as a child.

In regard to narrative style, you have in a numerous areas abused the third-person omniscient perspective to get away with just-barely-enough-to-make-it-work descriptions of Megan’s responses to stimuli by way of generic terms that state her emotions rather than describe them. I really think you should explore using descriptions external manifestations of emotion (i.e. body language, tone of voice and facial expression), and introduce descriptions of what’s in her mind only when it’s absolutely necessary. One such instance would be when she’s alone and the inside of her mind becomes the most important part of the plot.

I won’t lie to you, I never watched the original series, but I was beginning to enjoy this story, and I hope you continue writing it.

* After receiving a curse that would slowly spread through his body and kill him, Ashitaka is exiled and never returns to his village, but his people’s ethos and respect for both nature and human life remain with him as he struggles to reconcile the forest gods and the pillagers of the land and find a cure to his curse.

A few other broad points

> RE: Ellipsis abuse
Here’s something that will be of use in improving your writing: search for ellipses (...); they should only be used within dialogue, to denote a trailing off or long pause. If you use them too often they lose their effect. What I mean by “of use” is that I noticed that when you abuse ellipses is in most cases also a place where you lapse into informal speech in the narrative and the nonessential appositives that make your narration have less of an impact.

> RE: description of human
No. Do it through character reactions. By out-and-out describing Megan in neutral terms as the ponies would see her, you’re completely throwing away an opportunity to show how well you know the characters of the show by having them react to and remark upon her strange appearance.

> RE: Pinkie Pie Party and Twilight’s Giant Fuckin’ Book of Magic ‘n’ Shit
These, along with the whole magical vortex or whatever that sucks the human into Equestria, are the three most overused tropes in the entire fandom’s writing. I highly recommend you find a way to downplay and deemphasize them.

Miscellaneous findings

(chapter 1)
> “You know, Uncle Danny was just like you at that age.”
> “Really?” She smiled.
You need a linebreak between these two things, because it looks a bit like “she smiled” is a speech tag. New speaker, new line, every time. The consequence of your doing it wrong here is that it looks a bit like both of these lines are Megan, when the second one is actually her son.

> She picked up her cell phone, and dialed a number she hadn’t dialed in longer than she meant to wait.
> “Molly? It’s me.”
If she hadn’t called Molly in such a long time, how could Molly positively identify her with a simple “it’s me” unless Molly had very few friends who call her?

(chapter 2)
> “Well, Paul just a Hot Pocket a few minutes ago...”
Well, I just a burrito.

> Megan didn’t answer. Her eyes went right past her husband’s shoulder and into the clear, blue sky. She watched, as if anticipating a familiar friend. North Star? Skydancer? Lofty? Anyone?
Are they not indoors? You never indicated that they had left the house.

> She got to town, and noticed with a sick humor that there were cobblestones paving every street.
I have absolutely no clue as to what “sick humor” is supposed to mean in this context.

> Suddenly, in an explosion of color and light, Megan was blinded by a sudden change in the environment surrounding her. Where before there had been darkness and silence, now there was almost too much noise and too many colors, flooding her senses and making her jump out of her skin.
You redundantly say the event was sudden. Furthermore, you compound this redundancy with “the change in the environment” — which is very unspecific, and rendered useless by an actual description of exactly what happened.

(chapter 3)
> “Locket? What locket?” Not-Glory looked suddenly interested in the conversation.
It is unseemly (and a bit degrading) that Rarity, being the sophisticated type, would not have any lines until this point, and that her first line would be something in the ilk of “ooh, shiny thing.”
>> No. 86394
Sorry, forgot to include a link to my shorthand: http://bit.ly/seB8vB

Also, sleeping pony not because of the story, but because I'm literally falling asleep as I type. I wanted to finish it this night because you've waited long enough for someone to explain in detail how they think it could be improved, and to prolong that wait would be a bad irony. So, sorry for mistakes I made.
>> No. 86396
File 133000009131.jpg - (177.82KB , 840x473 , Icarus Cover Art.jpg )
Title - Icarus
Name - Tamar
Email - [email protected]
Tags - Adventure

Synopsis - It is the beginning of summer, and for Twilight it seems as if nothing could ruin her day off with her friends.
Then, without warning, Equestria is enveloped in a mysterious thick fog. Rainbow Dash races to Cloudsdale to find the source of the problem, leaving her friends worrying for her safety and struggling to cope in Ponyville.
Nothing can prepare Rainbow for what she finds in Cloudsdale, and things go from bad to worse when Twilight receives urgent news from Canterlot about the Princess...

Chapter One:

Chapter Two:

Chapter Three:

Chapter Four:


I'd like all chapters reviewed, please.
I have submitted it to EQD. The main feedback from the prereaders was that it was too much tell and not enough show - in other words, a list of facts that weren't gripping enough. They also criticised the opening (which is most of the first chapter) for not being gripping and engaging enough. Another reviewer suggested using more figurative language and ironing out pacing; and using more vivid description for locations such as the office of the Mayor, and for things happening, like when Rainbow drinks the magic potion. More vivid writing in general - is my writing cold and boring? I try not to be too "purple prose" but have I gone too far in the other direction?
>> No. 86400
File 133000149509.jpg - (552.78KB , 2500x1563 , colour_spectrum.jpg )
Title: Prismatic
Author: Victor
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure, Dark (So far)

Synopsis: When a village on the outskirts of Equestria gets wiped off the map by a 'meteor', one of the few survivors is rescued and makes an unusually speedy recovery - but is forever changed by the occurence. In a nearby land, civil unrest finally boils over into a bloody coup, and the chaos threatens to spread.

http://www.fimfiction.net/chapter/34462 - Not yet published, password is 'Eyes'

This ought to be a short one for you! The fic itself is likely to be rather long indeed, however I'd just like to get general thoughts on my first chapter (As its the only one I deem 'readable') just in case I'm making any horrible glaring errors :D
>> No. 86417
Title: Spike's Story
Author: Quintus
E-mail: [email protected] (please notify me when the review is posted, otherwise I might have trouble finding it)
Tags: [Normal]

Synopsis: A visit from Twilight's parents prompts Spike to investigate his own origins.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/6599/1/Spike%27s-Story/Spike%27s-Story

This story is a one-shot, please review in its entirety.

By the way: this is my first time ever using an imageboard, and I confess I find the layout extremely confusing. But I'll do my best, so please bear with me.

I've submitted this story twice to EqD. The first iteration was 6000 words, and the pre-reader responded with this:

Unfortunately, we can't accept your story for publication on Equestria Daily at this time. Listed below are some things to work on in order to improve on this attempt:

• Show, don't tell; everything is said very plainly and without much feeling to it, which makes for a somewhat boring story.
• Work on developing Twilight's parents a bit more. Even if they played bit parts in the story, it's essential that they hold your readers' interest for the brief time they appear.
• Pinkie comes off as very calm and collected compared to her portrayal in the show; this means she's very severely out of character, which is something that must be fixed sooner rather than later.
• Don't rely so much on the word "said" when it comes to dialogue. It's okay to use that word some of the time, but sprinkle in more descriptive options like "whispered", "growled", "sighed", "stuttered", etc...and also "replied", "answered", and the like.
• Celestia including something that none of her regular students could pull off in the entrance exam to determine who would be allowed into her school in the future seems like a very irrational thing to do. Perhaps it can be argued that telling what amounts to a young child to magically hatch an egg is unreasonable under any circumstances, but your explanation for it doesn't really explain the problem as much as exacerbate it.
• The end of the story is very anticlimactic: if you're building up to Spike finding out who his parents are, telling us that no one knows is a big letdown. Saying they're dead or that they disappeared is slightly better, but I went into this expecting to come out of it knowing something I didn't know before, and thus was sorely disappointed when I realized I wasn't going to.

For Round 2, I got fellow author Jetfire (author of A Day for Spike and Twilight, which holds the coveted 6 stars tag on EqD) to help me improve and expand it. I added scenes, expanded parts that felt rushed, combed it over and then combed it over again until both he and I felt it was satisfactory for resubmission. By this point, the story was 7300 words. When I resubmitted it, I got this response:

Good evening, author! I'm Pre-reader 23-ish and I've given your story a look-over.

I didn't see the previous review nor the last iteration of your story, so I can only judge by what I've seen here, tonight.

Unfortunately, I can't recommend your story for posting.

You might've cleaned up the punctuation and grammar problems, but the story is absolutely flat. There's no emotional impact whatsoever.

You're giving us dialogue, and that's good. But what's not good is that they're not laughing. Not crying. Not giggling, really. Things are laid out in a very flat and predictable manner. I'm sorry, but the story didn't reach out and grab me at all.

You need to take your story over to Ponychan and ask for not just a thorough review, but also advice on how to spice things up and make it more readable. I do apologize, because I know you've worked on this. It just isn't reading very well, and I think a bit of help would... well... help. Please include a link to the Ponychan review thread when resubmitting.

I have to admit, I'm starting to get a little frustrated with EqD. He's not the first one to tell me my story lacks "emotional impact," but this concept is apparently an elusive one because no one has been able to tell me what exactly my story is missing that's robbing it of that magic touch. This guy's review is frankly unhelpful, because all he really tells me is "they [the characters] are not laughing, not crying, not giggling." But this really only confused me, because my characters do all those things, so I genuinely have no idea what he's on about or what he wants me to change.

So, I've come to you guys for Round 3. I humbly request this: in addition to your review, I need to know _specifically_ what my story is missing, what I need to give it to get that reaction that continues to elude me.

Thank you all
>> No. 86430
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Well, weekend is coming up, and I suppose I should help out. You, my friend, is the lucky one.
>> No. 86446

Minor quibble, but T-rex isn't supposed to be hyphenated. The correct punctuation is T. rex, ideally with italics.
>> No. 86451
I'll take this.
>> No. 86453

Oh whoops. I didn't realize you dropped it from the queue. That was five days ago too. Double derp. Ah well, I wanted to read this story anyway. :D

>people saw the 55k word tag and ran away, not realizing that you only wanted one chapter to review. See, that's what I thought too, but the submission form pretty explicitly states "Total number of words in your fic (i.e. not just the part for which you are requesting a review)." So I went with 55k instead of 2.6k. If that's not the norm, though, I can post just the individual chapter length going forward.

Yea, it gets confusing unless you read the writer's posts and look for what they really want. But most people just look at the wordcount so...

>Not enough use of "said." I only counted one instance in this entire chapter. Epic lulz. The reason for that is because earlier chapters/drafts leveraged "said" far too heavily, so I was attempting to break up the monotony. Clearly though, I've erred too far on the other side. Moderation...

It's probably a good thing I'm going to read the other chapters, so I can point out the small things in those too. I had no idea you went from one extreme to the other with the saids since I had only looked at the one chapter. :D I would have probably noticed the cursing thing too, had I saw the other chapters as well.

>Em-dash versus en-dash versus hyphen. Blarg. Does anypony have a good reference for this? I only learned about it recently, and whenever I Google around, I run into conflicting advice. I'm a bit confused.

As far as I know, the en-dash isn't used that much. The hyphen is mostly used for combining two words, and the em-dash is mostly used for interruptions. But that's just from what I've seen done here. It varies in the fiction world, hence the conflicting advice from Google.

>"How about I give you a sporting chance? How does a five-second head sound?"

Yea, I busted my gut laughing at this typo. :D

Anyhoo, time to spam a bunch of comments at your other chapters. I'll read them later today and add more notes as a continuation to my earlier review.

Also, I saw on your FIMfiction blog that progress on chapters 13 and 14 are coming along nicely. Congrats. :D
>> No. 86474
Waiting on the authors for My Little XLR and Toothpaste to enable comments. Once they do so, I'll get started on their reviews. As for Tricky Step, I'll get your review done when I get home. I printed out your story for reading to make it nice and easy.

As for now, I shall tackle a larger project, so I'll claim the following:

>>86396 Icarus: Written by Tamar
>>86400 Prismatic: Victor

If you're wondering about my ability to review these stories, I'm just chilling in the writing lab for the next six hours and I needed something to do. So here we go!
>> No. 86476
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Okay, let’s see that we have here.


First of all, I’d like to apologize, for this might not be the kind of review you’d expect. Though I am one of the “common” reviewers here, I have what I consider a flaw and an advantage: Not having English as a first language. This appears to be something stupid or that you wouldn’t expect as an advantage when reviewing, but it helps me quite a lot to identify non-native speakers. What I’ve read gave me that impression (though I might be wrong).

I couldn’t fully read the fanfic because, once I reached a specific line, I lost every single bit of immersion I had and couldn’t get it off my head. So I’ve decided to grab the pre-reader’s review and explain in further detail what every point means and, if possible, quote something from your story.

1.- “Show VS Tell”
> She felt cruel.
This is “telling”. Instead of saying how a character feels, you should describe. This is one of those issues that create immersion. The reader has to feel what the character feels. If you just “tell” them what’s happening, the immersion disappears and the story feels like reading an instruction manual.

2.- Characterisation: I had some issues thinking about certain parts of the story. Mainly, the idea of RD being a “former captain of the Royal Guard”. Okay, so it’s mentioned that Rainbow Dash finally got to join the Wonderbolts. And then she left them and became a Royal Guard. I’m not too much of a “pony nerd”, but the most action I’ve seen from a Royal Guard was:

-Pulling chariots
-Getting their flanks kicked by NMM
-Search patrol for Celestia’s pet
-Standing guard. A lot.

Not the most active life, and considering that RD is not the kind of mare who likes staying idle (she started reading Daring Do because she was so bored out of her flank she HAD to do something or becoming crazy). The idea of leaving her dream of becoming a Wonderbolt to not only join the Royal Guard, but getting promoted as Captain and… Maybe received an honorable discharge? For the “former captain” thing, that means she’s not a Captain anymore, so either she got promoted to a higher rank (which, in that case, it shouldn’t be called “Former Captain” but “Recent Rank”), or she’s not in the military anymore.

What I’m saying is that we have a huge jump in time as you mentioned, around 5-6 years, but we know nothing accurate about what happened during that time. Most readers will assume that characters are still the same way as they are in the show unless you describe events that justify some changes, and even that is troublesome unless it’s awesomely done. Maybe I’m exaggerating, but maybe a prequel episode should have to be made in order to explain why RD would leave the thing she loved more than ever in the show being a Royal Guard (and I’m not even mentioning the fact that all the RG we’ve seen are stallions.)

>"Stop. Explain the mission itself. I think I already understand the difficulty you're trying to emphasize, but what exactly is it that you want me to do that is so... trying," said Twilight, holding out a hoof.

So, here we have Twilight just telling Celestia to shut up and go right to the bottom of whatever. No. This would never happen. I don’t care how many years, decades or millennia pass. Twilight reveres Celestia, and interrupting her for anything is unthinkable in Twilight’s mind.

3.- Odd turns of phrase and missing context/Structure and Grammar/Missing words: This is the issue that killed it for me, specifically this sentence:

>"Give us the throne, please."

After that line, I understood what she wanted to say, but… I couldn’t read anymore. I HAD to write a story about someone stealing Celestia’s throne and demanding a ransom.

But I’m not a bastard (that’d be my beard, it’s a bit cocky today), and I want to help. I give you this, the Editor’s Omnibus. Read it, learn about it. It will help you a lot.


Another important point. I’d recommend, in order to getting a better review (if you consider mine inappropriate or lacking) is to submit a few chapters at a time(maybe the prologue and chapters 1 and 2), so the huge word count doesn’t scare reviewers away. This will also help you to get a more detailed review and, focused on that review, you may be able to fix the rest of the episodes or, at least, the largest mistakes.

The problem I have with the prologue is that too much happened back there, and a lot of things are said in too little time. It’s a huge info-dump that I was forced to put away. Even though I was promised dragons fighting (and that was a premise that made me want to read it in the first place) I couldn’t keep up with the story because of it.

Also, maybe the plot, for EqD standards is quite… inappropriate. Not for adult content, but maybe some Mary Sue parts. I’ve never been in the military, but I’m not sure you can become, from a rookie, to a Captain of any army in 5 years, and then become Celestia’s right hand. First because in any case, that should be Twilight’s place surely. And second, I’m sure somepony should be there before, an older, far more experienced and of higher rank (commander, general, etc). Also, Twilight’s transformed into an alicorn to single-handedly slay dragons in single combat. This is something really hard to swallow.
>> No. 86479

First thing. I only reviewed the first third of your story (or so) because I realized I have an engagement tonight and am busy tomorrow, so won't have time until the weekend to finish it. I figured I would post what I did to see if you found it useful. If it is you can apply what I say to the rest of the story and over the weekend I would be up to looking over everything from the start.

OK, first thing, as a potential reader, I would consider not reading our story with a single look. You indent each new paragraph, but even still you should consider adding in an extra line break after each one. Personally I find it makes stories much easier to read, and as a reader, I don’t bother with stories that are going to be hard to read.

Now on to a line by line review.

>It wasn't even noon yet, but Twilight was pacing through the library frantically.

This is your first sentence, and also the entirety of your first paragraph. The paragraph that sets the emotional tone for the rest of the story and convinces readers that you are a good writer. Unfortunately, it’s... Deficient. This is what the pre-readers were talking about inregards to emotional impact. The choice of the words ‘pacing’ and ‘frantically’ are good starts. However, you cut your first impression short in a rush to get to the plot. Now, if the next thing Twilight said was something juicy, then perhaps it would catch the reader, but instead it’s something that the reader already knows from the story description.

>“Come on, Spike. We need to get this place clean before my parents arrive.”

>A few days before, we'd gotten a letter from Twilight's parents that said they wanted to see us again and take us to lunch. When Twilight saw it, she launched into the biggest freak-out I'd ever seen—I've never cleaned the library so thoroughly in my life.

This is good. We get a feel for what Spike is as a narrator. I almost feel that this is a better place to start your story. Try to include a bit of this feeling in your intro paragraph.

>Twilight had been seeing her parents less and less ever since she moved out to study under Celestia, until eventually she stopped seeing them at all—and she certainly hadn't been keeping in touch with them while we were living in Ponyville.

This seems out of place, and also unsatisfying. It’s also ‘flat.’ Is it supposed to be sad that she’s detached from her parents? If so I did not feel it. No emotion is transmitted here.

>She was obviously nervous about seeing them again after so long, which meant everything had to be perfect.

Show vs tell here. Spike tells us that she was obviously nervous, well what does that mean? Is she griding her teeth, grinning like a maniac? Is her hair disheveled? You’ve done your job if the reader knows Twilight is nervous without you needing to use the word.

>We'd cleaned the library in the days before, but of course Twilight couldn't resist getting the books back out once we were done. So it got dirty again. So we had to clean it again quickly before they got here.
Don’t use ‘we’d’ people might read it as ‘we would.’ instead just write it out. Also ‘getting the books back out’ seems awkward. Consider rephrasing it. You have the repetition of the word ‘So’ which is harsh because the paragraph is so short. Finally, this paragraph lacks any of the frenetic impression that you want to make. Twilight is at her split ends and Spike is being forced to work himself to the bone (notice how evocative that sentence in). They had to clean it ‘quickly.’ Quickly is a weak adverb. Consider something like: ‘We had to rush to tidy Twilight’s mess. She was levitating half a dozen books at once as I desperately tried to balance a pile of her ‘late-night’ notes as I scurried to find a place to hide them.’

>Finally, the doorbell rang, and Twilight practically jumped. She answered the door, and there they were: Twilight's mother and father.

So up to this point you have missed out on an opportunity. We know that Twilight is nervous, but that is only her most surface of emotions. Is she nervous because she is excited, worried, angry, ect... All we know is that she has a distant relationship with her parents. Does she strive to impress them in the same way as Celestia? You don’t want to tell us this all at once, but give us some hints. More importantly, how does Spike feel about this. Is he frustrated with Twilight? Is he ambivalent? Since he is the narrator, his emotions should definitely come across if only in your word choice and phrasing. A good way to tell if your story is lacking emotional impact is if the reader ‘knows’ at any given point how the narrator is feeling. Also ask yourself, ‘how do you want the reader to feel?’ At times this may be at odds with how the narrator feels and you need to be aware of that.

>“Twilight!” her mother, a white mare, greeted her almost as soon as the door was open and came in close for a hug. I later learned that her name was Starlight Twinkle, and apparently her mother was named Twilight Twinkle, so I guess Twilight Sparkle was named after her.

Be consistent. Earlier you said her parents were coming to seem both of them again. That implied to me that Spike already knew her parents. This makes me feel like he’s never met them. Also, how does his rumination about Twilight’s name fit into the flow. It did not seem to be inspired by anything in the story and breaks the pacing. Also capitalize the ‘her’ in ‘her mother’ since you ended the dialog with an exclamation mark.

>“It's good to see you, Twilight,” said her dad—his name was Darksider, probably because of his dark-blue coat.

Does Spike already know his name, or is this information also the result of a later revelation?

>“It's good to see you too,” said Twilight. “Why don't you come in?”

Rather than using the word ‘said’ make your dialog tags work for you. Use them to convey emotion. How do these characters feel about this reunion. The tags can tell us so much. For example, if you replaced Twilight’s tag with ‘Twilight said, while glancing down at the floor.’ We get a sense that she is uncomfortable. While if instead its ‘said Twilight as she threw her legs around her parents in a hug.’ Tells us that this is something she is happy about.

Let’s look at Darksider’s tag. “Her dad grunted.” tells us he is a gruff or perhaps emotionally detached character, meanwhile “said her dad while beaming a smile.” tells us somethign completely different.

These are missed opportunities. They are opportunities to hit to us what these characters are like. Opportunities to tell us how they feel, to encourage us to feel the same way. Opportunities to make us care about her parents one way or another. So in short, opportunities.

>Twilight let them into the library and closed the door behind them.

This advances the action, but is so bland. You can do so much more with it. perhaps she ‘hesitantly’ let them in? Or perhaps she winces as she closes the door because there was a pile of books in the corner that the door had been hiding. Try to get the most milage out of your words to pain a vivid and emotionally impactful picture.

>“I finally managed to get some time off work to come visit you,” said Starlight. “We had to get your new address from Princess Celestia. Why didn't you tell us you'd moved?”

Man, Twilight is such a bad daughter. I’m really hoping you go into this more. It’s one thing to have not talked to your parents in a while once your an adult, but its another thing to not tell them where you live.

>“I'm sorry, it must have slipped my mind,” said Twilight with an embarrassed giggle.

I think giggle is the wrong word. Chuckle perhaps? BTW, this is better (in regards to what I was talking about above).

>“Hey, is that Spike?” Darksider called out. He walked up to me, and I waved, a little nervous.

This makes it seem like Spike was hiding or something. If the point is just that they had not noticed him because he wasn’t standing in the doorway, make that more clear. Also be more evocative. Consider “and I gave a timid little wave.” That conveys that he is nervous without Spike telling us. You could even take it a step further “I wish I could shrink away.” Though you would want to explain that additional step of nervousness.

>“Uh, yeah,” I said. "Hi."
You can probably drop the dialog tag in this. It’s good to mix things up, and I feel its fairly obvious who is saying this.

>“Aren't you cute,” said Starlight. “You were so small the last time we saw you.”

Is she leaning over him, pinching his cheek, ect... Paint a picture.

>Darksider turned back to Twilight. “So Princess Celestia tells us you're working on your dissertation.”

Once again, I have no idea if her dad is gruff and angry, or loving or kind, or what.

>“My disser... Oh, that's right.” Twilight looked down slightly. “Did she... tell you what it's on?”

Good. That tells us a bit of how she is feeling. It’s conveying her emotion without flat out telling us it.

>“She did,” said Starlight.
Since this is such a short piece of dialog, consider giving us some more. did she nod? Smile?

>“Hehe. Well, what do you think?” said Twilight, again with that embarrassed giggle.

Once again, not sure if I like the use of the word giggle.

>“I think friendship is a powerful thing,” said Starlight. “Celestia also showed us the stained-glass window she has of you in the castle. We're very proud of you, Twilight.”

Should she be referring to her as ‘Princess Celestia’

>They both smiled.

I’m not sure who ‘both’ refer to in this case. Twilight’s parents, or Twilight and her mother?

>Soon after that, we went for lunch. Twilight took us to Sugarcube Corner, and showed her parents some of the sites around Ponyville on the way. Pinkie Pie was working the counter when we got there. I'm still not sure if Twilight planned for that.

I like the tone there, especially at the end. However, I’m not entirely convinced that Spike would go along with them if this is the first Twilight has seen her parents in a long time. It just strikes me as a bit odd. Perhaps you could mention that Spike tried to stay behind, but Twilight pulled him along with magic. Then we would get a sense that Spike feels awkward cause he doesn’t feel like he belongs in the proceedings, and that Twilight feels awkward and wants some type of buffer.

>“Hey Pinkie,” Twilight said when we got there. “Mom, Dad, this is Pinkie Pie. Pinkie, this is my mom and dad.”

“this is Pinkie Pie, a good friend.” Presumably they know nothing about her new life and she would need to give context. I know that you probably left it out for the upcoming exchange, but it struck me as a biit odd.

>“You betcha! One of her best friends.”

I’m not sure how you originally had Pinkie Pie, but her characterization seems fine here. Maybe italicize the so in ‘so glad’ to add emphasis. Also consider having her gasp. Gasping is something she does a lot when she meets new ponies.

>As far as I know, Pinkie never waited tables at Sugarcube Corner.

As far as I HAD known.

>“Come on, Fluttershy,” Twilight urged. “Just say hi.”

This made me smile. Consider adding emphasis to the ‘on’

>“Now, did you want to see me?” said Pinkie.

The word ‘now’ makes it seem like Pinkie just completed some task and is free now.

>“Hey Pinkie, aren't you supposed to be serving us now?” Twilight reminded her.

Cut the word ‘now.’ Also this seems a bit rude. Perhaps mention that she was nervously looking at her parents, or some motivation for her to interrupt Pinkie.

>“Oh, right,” said Pinkie. “Just come back later, Fluttershy, and I'll help you out then.”

Pinkie Pie dismisses fluttershy fairly quickly without having any idea if it’s ugent. Maybe she invites Fluttershy to help her in the kitchen so they can talk? Also this doesn’t seem as ‘Pinkie.’ Maybe something like “Oh, right,” giggled Pinkie. “Silly me. If it’s not too urgent you can just come back later.”

>“Thanks, Pinkie,” said Fluttershy. Then she turned to Starlight and Darksider and added, “Nice to meet you, too,” as she left.

It’s unclear to me if you mean ‘too’ as in ‘as well,’ or if you meant ‘two’ because of its placement in the sentence. Consider rewording.

>We ordered our food, Pinkie brought it, and we ate.

A bit perfunctory. You could give it some emotional weight. ‘we ordered our food in a tense silence’ just for example. Or ‘The awkward silence that stretched out while we waited for Pinkie to bring us our meals was a hellish eternity.’

>At first, I could feel the tension that had been inside Twilight that morning was thick the air, and they ate in silence.

Something is derped in this sentence. Rewrite it.

>But as the food disappeared from their plates, finally one of them spoke up. It was Darksider, and surprisingly, he spoke to me:

The word ‘as’ does not work well with the word ‘finally.’ Finally seems to imply at the end, or a completion. The word ‘as’ seems to imply ongoing action.

>“Hey Spike, did Twilight ever tell you about the time she scared me to death as a foal?”

Consider replacing ‘as a foal’ with ‘when she was a foal.’

>He was smiling. Starlight expressed her approval with a soft chuckle, and Twilight put a slightly embarrassed hoof to her head. Giving a moment's pause, and seeing that he had my attention, he continued:


>Suddenly, Darksider burst into uncontrollable laughter. It seemed weird to me for him to be laughing at a story like that, but then the other two joined him. Starlight said through her chuckles, “If I'd been there, I could have told you it was just horn flu. I caught it once or twice myself as a foal.”

So it’s not entirely clear to me if Darksider really should have been able to recognize it.

>I think the reason they were laughing was relief—as strong now as it was all those years ago.

The second part of this sentence is awkward, reword it. I get what you are trying to say though, but I needed to read it twice.

>and all the while, I just watched, staring into and twirling ice cubes around in my glass.

You break parallelism here and this sentence suffers as a result.

At this point we have a decent story about Twilight meeting up with her parents after along time (though we still don’t know why she was such a neglectful daughter in the first place). However, a story about Spike? It’s not there yet. He’s the narrator, but he is more a passive observer to everything that happens. I get that this is going to kick things off for him, but we didn’t really get a strong sense of his emotions. So far the story has come off as being more about Twilight than Spike. We want it to be about Spike with Twilight and her parents being the instigator.

>By the time the day was over (long after we finished eating), they were all laughing together.

Use hyphens rather than parentheses.

>until finally they left and she carried me inside.

I feel like you should establish earlier that he was ridding her or was tired.

>She carried me to my bed and blew out the light.

Here is a chance for you to draw some parallels between Twilight and Spike and Twilight and her parents. Twilight tenderly carried Spike. She tucked him in and gave him a hug. She whispered ‘goodnight’ as she closed the door. You’re telling us what’s going on, but there is no emotional impact.

>I'd never met my own parents,

This paragraph should be gut wrenching. It should make me feel bad for Spike. You want this paragraph (or paragraphs if you split it up) to bring a tear to the readers eye. This is a make it or break it moment. If you fail to make an emotional connection here, your story has failed (unfortunately it is currently failing, but you can fix that). If you only have a handful of points in your story where you make an emotional impact, you want this to be one of them.

>and I was starting to wonder about them for the first time. I wondered whether they were out there somewhere, where they could be, and whether they too would be happy to see me after all this time.

Why has he never thought about them before. He’s met Twilight’s parents before and seen them interact. He’s seen other ponies with their families in Ponyville. Why was this day any different that it started this introspection. The earlier scenes are missing some ‘oomph’ to push him over the edge.

Kurt Vonagat had a rule of writing that every sentence should either move the action forward or give us characterization. I would add to this that sentences can also create emotional involvement. If a sentence is doing two of the three then its probably OK. However, if its only doing one thing, it might be a bland sentence.

Print your story out in a small font so that you can fit it on a few pages and lay it out in front of you. Take a highlighter and highlight the portions of your story that you think will stir emotion in your story. Likewise take a black marker and put a big X across what you feel are your five best paragraphs. If you don't feel that there are any parts of your story that really stand out... That's a problem. If you find that all your X'd paragraphs are at the middle and end, then you need to strengthen your beginning (for example).

This is a useful self diagnostic technique.

A good question for each and every part of your story is 'why should the reader care,' and 'how can I make the reader care.' If your characters don't seem to care at all the reader certainly won't.

Use your words wisely. With each verb and adjective, ask yourself what you are trying to convey with it. You're fairly good at choosing interesting verbs, but you can do so much more with your words.

A more advanced way to create emotional impact is with sentence structure. Short terse sentences keep things moving and create a tense atmosphere. Long complex sentences with lots of adjectives slow things down and are better for melancholy introspection.
>> No. 86488
Hello and welcome to the Training Grounds. I'm going to do my best to help you to the best of my ability. That being said, I am only human and I make mistakes. Still, let's have fun with it! Anyway, here we

go. This is part one of the review since the review is turning out longer than I thought. But I figure you wanted to see the beginning, so here you go!

>Judging by her position, she surmised that she had fallen through it recently.

The way this sentence is worded, it sounds like she fell through her position. You should probably reword this sentence since I know you're talking about the ceiling.

>There wasn't much actually in the room save for a broken pile of wood and metal at one end – and a heavy-looking stone laying near her head, a splash of crimson on one side of it – and on the floor between

it and her, too.

Wow, this is a mouthful of a sentence. First, you're misusing the dashes. Normally, they're another form of punctuation for a strong aside, but most people stick with commas. Also, there's filler words in

here. "Actually" is one example. The way you worded it also is a bit confusing/weird.

There are also lots of conjunctions. I count four "ands" in this one sentence when it would work to break it down.

What's "splash of crimson?" I assume it's blood. Try rewording this sentence as it's rather unwieldy.

>A hoof quickly moved up to her head.

So impersonal. Was it her hoof or somepony else? Also, according to the sentence, the hoof had a head (subject in this sentence is hoof). Perhaps reword this into "She quickly placed a hoof next to her


>Had she been hit on the head, and laid here so long that it had healed of it's own accord?

This logic kinda sounds weird. So you're telling me that they had been lying there passed out for several weeks then? (Or however long it takes to heal)

>That didn't seem to make sense, the blood looked fresh...

Your narrator is right. I'm forced to believe that either she has powers or maybe some other pony came along and healed her. No ellipses in narrative.

>Her arm moved up, resting over her eyes

Some people get real uptight about saying the word "arm." Change this to "foreleg" instead.

>"Great, so I'm some kind of animal now." she mutters, quirking a brow.

1) First off, change that period in the middle into a comma. Should look like this: "animal now, she muttered,"
2) Second, mutters is present tense. You want to change that to "muttered."
3) what the hay does "quirking a brow" mean? Any reader that sees that is going to go "What the hay?"

>"By Ninea, what have I done?" she murmured in a mournful tone.

"she murmured" is fine. If you must add a modifying, try "she murmured mournfully." Although I don't really like the way that sounds either. Just my opinion though.

>The fact that she appeared to be an equid of some sort meant that she had died – but that her soul had been caught by her phylactery, just as planned.

I had to look up equid in the dictionary. Using such an uncommonly used word to bound to be jarring to most readers. Same as phylactery. Also, this entire sentence is kinda telling. Also, the way it's

worded, it sounds like you're saying that she died, just as planned. That random dash in the middle is also weird punctuation. Is it supposed to be an interruption perhaps?

>Unfortunately it also meant that it had been forced to carry out its purpose and place it in the closest suitable recipient.

comma after unfortunately.

>>"Luckily", it had found such a thing.

comma belongs on the inside. "Luckily,"

>It also meant that innocents had already died as a direct result of the university crashing. Whether that was her fault or not was a hotly debated question in her foggy mind.

I have no idea what is going on at this point. I feel like I'm reading the sequel to something and I'm being given an info dump of something that happened before.

>She looked again at the bloodstained rock. This poor soul can't have been long gone - It made her sick to her stomach to even think about it.

1) This sounds like the poor soul was the rock.
2) What's with the random dash again?
3) Tense confusion. Can't have been? I'm a bit confused now.
4) It made her sick to her stomach to even think about "it." I assume you're talking about whoever the poor soul is. The pony whose body she took over, I'm assuming.

>The feeling started to return to her limbs, and she started moving to get off the floor.

1) Normally while writing, you don't want to "start" doing something. Either you do or you don't. It's fine to leave it for the first instance, but change it for the second.
2) Using "started" twice in the same sentence is repetitive sounding, change the second one.
3) This entire sentence is telly. Which limbs did she start to "have feeling in?" In what way did she move to get off the floor? Did she try to push herself upwards with a hoof, jump to her feet, what?

>She winced as a jolt of pain ran through her for even daring to /think/ of such rigorous motion, a powerful headache suddenly making its presence known and bringing a wave of nausea with it.

Long second, many errors here. Let's begin.

1) Telling sentence. Where and how did the pain go through her? Did she stand up on a bad hoof and it shot through her leg?
2) "even daring to think of such rigormous motion" just sounds awkward.
3) what are "/" around "think"? Italicize the word instead. Since FIMFiction has weird formatting issues, I assume it was due to that.
4) That comma in the middle in a comma splice. Turn it into a period instead and capitalize "a."
5) The second part with the headache is telling
6) headache suddenly making its presence known? In what way? Suddenly is also a filler word.

>She let out a weak grumble as she pushed herself to her feet, looking around the room groggily

Technically, they're hooves now. So you have the option of saying "hooves" or "hindlegs."

>She saw a door hanging open leading out to a corridor and approached at a cautious pace.

Unweldy sentence. Perhaps rewriting as "Noticing an open door, she approached it cautiously. The door led out into a corridor." Something like that anyway.

>She stumbled slightly, looking down and noticing the floor was at an angle

How do you "stumble slightly?" Either you do or you don't. The two "ing" verbs also sound weird. How about a small rewording, like so:

She stumbled. Looking down, she noticed the floor was at an angle.

>So, they had landed on a slope. Good to know.

"They?" There's more than one pony/person/creature/being here? Also, it sounds like we're dipping into this character's head. If you're going to use thoughts, italize them.

>"Ugh... So Vee, I hear you visited a completely new plane with the University, how did it go?" she muttered to herself quietly. "Well Senator, first I crashed the university, wrecking millenia-old magitech

levitation engines - right after a demon murdered the entire faculty, myself included of course."

1) This sounds like telling exposition. A better way to go about giving this would be if she were to find some other pony and have them ask her what happened. Otherwise, it seems weird for her to randomly

say this to herself as she is already aware of how she got there.
2) muttered usually means quietly, so saying quietly is a filler word. You can also delete "to herself" as she is the other one there.
3) Another random dash. :o

>She walked on through the corridors, rounding a corner - looking down with some distaste at the scene of a violent combat, robed bodies – mostly humans and elves - and bloodied weapons littering the floor.

1) I think that you think the dash replaces the comma. Plus this sentence is just long, cumbersome, and a mouthful.
2) Also, "a violent combat" sounds weird and/or telling.
3) Break this up into several sentences so that it's less confusing. There's too much going on in this sentence.

>"Well I say he did it, he actually got them to murder each other with powerful domination magic." she murmured bitterly, pausing and swaying slightly as a renewed lurch of nausea hit, slumping against a

wall for support. "Fine, I'll rest a moment." she muttered, finding herself out of breath already.

Lots to cover here too. Here we go!

1) Your dialogue attribution is wrong. Speaking verbs have commas before them because, but you have periods. They're supposed to look like this:

"I'm a pony," she muttered.

Go to the below guide and look up "Attribution of Dialogue." It will help immensely if you read this.


2) comma after "Well."
3) Your sentence structure is rather repetitive. So far, it's mostly been Subject verbed, verbing.
4) All your character does is murmur and mutter. Don't forget about the almighty "said" or maybe "whispered."

>She heaved herself off it and continued to walk, looking at an arrangement of runes on the opposite wall, a signpost.

Unclear ancendent. I know it's the wall from the last sentence, but restate that since you made a new paragraph.

>She reached out and touched it, the rune illuminating - a flowing sliver of light travelling down the wall and leading her to one particular door.

This is the last time I'm going to mention the dash because I don't feel like pointing it out anymore. Look out for those.

>"I wonder why he didn't simply do the same to me..." she murmured to herself as she approached a large cabinet – grasping a handle with some difficulty using both hooves before pulling it open.

Last time I'll mention the filler words "to herself." Since she's talking to herself, it's already apparent. No need to state it repeatedly.

>She takes one of the few intact vials

She took

>"Hmf, probably so he could see me suffer. I'd wager It's personal, if I could just remember who he was." she mutters, holding the vial between her hooves and pulling the cork out with her teeth, spitting it


1) Btw, that dialogue attribution thing pervades your entire story. Go back through it after reading the omnibus I listed above and fix those.
2) lowercase the "it's"
3) If she doesn't remember that person, then who is she talking about? How does she know who she's talking about? I is confused.
4) Many of your sentences have too much in one sentence. Try breaking them down. Many of your sentences involve her verbing two, three, or four plus things at once.

>>She tilted her head back and downed the concoction inside – a shudder running through her as the rather unsubtle magic did its work – dragging her malaise kicking and screaming from her and bodily throwing

it out – the pain fading and nausea disappearing, the crippling headache nothing more than a memory after a few short seconds.

What the heck is malaise? Odd words that make readers run to the dictionary to find out their definitions continously break the immersion. Also, too much happening in one sentence again.

> The fog fading, the significance of what she'd seen started to come into focus. "By Ninea.. Elvaan, everyone... I'm sorry." she murmured, looking down at the empty vial – lip quivering slightly.

Must resist temptation to mention same systemic mistakes happening repeatedly. Dialogue attribution, the misuse of dash, and using "murmured" repeatedly. Also, that ellipse lacks a period. :D

I'd like to actually finish this review today since I've been here for two hours, so it's time to start skimming the rest of the story. Don't assume the rest of the story is free of mistakes. Look back at

the above review I gave you so far and look back through your story. I'll mention any new errors I find from this point on.

>she almost whispered.

How do you "almost" whisper? Either you do or you don't. Tis a filler word. Not always, since there are exceptions but most of the time, it's filler.

>With that she stood, bolting into the corridor and setting off at a gallop, hooves loud on the stone floor as she headed for one place in particular; the Armoury.

Too much in one sentence again. Semi-colon is misused as "The Armoury" is not a sentence. Infact, just delete "one place in particular." Headed for the Armoury works well enough. Also, because you used an

"U," I will now assume that's either the name or you're using British English.

(Yay, I'm through the first scene) This is part one of the review. Next parts incoming.
>> No. 86490

Sure mate, I can commit to chapter 3, but sadly that’s as far as I’m able to go with actual analysis (for now). Your story is both long and enjoyable, and while I expect I’ll be reading it when I can, I don’t want to tell you I’m going to carry on, then disappear for a month. I assure you this bothers me than it bothers you.

>overall impression
Great potential to the story, mediocre hook, decent pacing, initially odd characterization placement. Any other ‘fandom’ and your writing would qualify as “ZOMFGFGF STELLAR”. That’s one reason I like MLP. Your writing is good, but could be better, as could all of ours. So we get together, tear one another’s work to shreds, then hang around and glue it back together over drinks.

These are no. NO. No. no.

>unfulfilling sentences
>intentional choice for impact
Yes, for IMPACT. Yes. But this implies a relative scarcity of occurrence. You have too many, which destroys their effect by default.

>I was wondering if you could clarify this a bit.
Reeeeeally sorry, but I don’t have time to go through and find you cited examples atm. I’m kinda rushing, and have to reply to a post in my own thread, then get some emails taken care of, then book it to a meeting (I hate lawyers).
Just ask about it in the chats, or even in some of the writing threads. Sorry I don’t have time now to address it.
If you don’t get an answer by the time I get to ch 3, which will be about a week or so most likely, then I’ll try to expose on it a bit.

>Interestingly enough your comments on tone and emotional impact are something that I've told other people, but I think I just needed to hear it said too me.
Funny how that shit works, innit?
Cheers mate, be well, talk to you soon.
>> No. 86503

Part 2 of 2 for Prismatic:

>She pushed and shoved against a heavy metal door, cursing her small form as it only reluctantly opened.

Ancendant is unclear and sentence sounds weird. Reads like her small form reluctantly opened. Not to mention, how do the door "reluctantly open?" It's an inanimate object, isn't it?

>The room beyond was completely untouched – kinetic dampening fields kept volatile materials safe from harm. She had to disable the wards to access the room, but it wasn't like security was a concern at this point.

Telling sentences. Why don't you show her disabling the wards? The narrator also keeps randomly telling me things. What a know-it-all. How does he know so much? He must be a wizard!

>Many of the items within had been gifted by allies in the Aluven, one of the civilizations she had made first contact with during her exploration of the planar gate system.

I'm feeling like I'm reading a sequel or crossover again since I have no idea what's happening. Thus, your audience of whoever you're writing for is likely to be very limited.

>Massively magically advanced but rather reclusive, they had been generally friendly if reclusive neighbours.

comma after massively. You repeated yourself twice with "reclusive." Try varying the words.

>She strode past a rack of strange-looking devices - long and thin things, as far as she understood they were like repeating crossbows that you could just keep firing.

Repetitive. Usually repeating crossbows can repeatedly fire, hence the reason for their existence. Also "repeating crossbows?"

>On another rack were devices that appealed to on a much more visceral level.

Appealed to who? Also, I ran to the dictionary again for visceral.

>these weapons were smaller, about the size of a hand crossbow without the distinctive crossbeam.

Capitalize "these."

>One the other hand it was a somewhat disturbing thought, the existence of a device that would let even the lowliest peasant pull a trigger and unleash something like a Fireball.

On the other hand,

>She looks surprised, and frowns - focusing on them once more, the glow reappearing.

Careful with your tenses. This is present tense. Also, remove the comma before "and." And the last verb is "ed." Like this:

She looked surprised and frowned. Focusing on them once more, the glow reappeared.

>With a soft sigh she shook her head, walking over to a small crate lying on the floor nearby.

With a soft sigh,

>She grabbed the handle of one between her teeth, pulling it out - the case slamming into the ground with a loud THUD as its weight yanks it from her mouth.

Awkward sounding sentence, especially at the end when the tense switched with "yanks." Same systemic errors repeating.

>She rubs her jaw with an exasperated grumble, cursing thier lack of foresight.

tense switching again (rubbed), and you misspelled "their."

> She makes an attempt at undoing the clasps -

She made an attempt at undoing the clasps. <---- Also, this is a telling sentence.

>Her hooves too large to get a good grip, her magic too weak to pull all the required catches at once, attempts to use her teeth just ending up hurting.

Oh my. I'm extremely confused at what's going on here. Break this up. I've noticed that most of your verbs are verbing, but nearly never verbed.

>She wrestles with it, eventually dropping it to the ground once more.

Watch out for those tense switches. Also, unclear who the pronoun is referring to, since you repeatedly say "It" in this sentence and the next several times.

> Slumped beside it and panting, out of breath.

No subject in this sentence, plus another instance of an unclear "it."

>she mutters, giving it a kick.

Your tense switches continue through pretty much most of your story. I'll stop mentioning it now.

>Infuriatingly, it would be an extremely simple task for the intended handlers.

Weird sounding and confusing sentence.

>"Fine, I'll find another way to open it.".

You left an extra period at the end there.

>What were they like, she wondered?

What were they like? she wondered.

>Adjusting her grip on the heavy case, she started to head up them cautiously.

According to this sentence, she started to head up her grip. Whatever that means. I'm aware you probably mean the spheres from the last sentence but the way you structure your sentences control the meaning, so throwing them in makes it confusing for many readers.

>Setting her back hooves further apart and pulling, she steps on one of the sleeves - slipping and sending her down to the floor beside it with an exasperated yelp.

Many of your sentences are very, very long. Plus they keep slipping tenses.

>She meets a crystal and talks to it, but since we hear nothing, it sounds like she's talking to herself.

As for this part, since we're in her head anyway, maybe as well have the crystal show her thoughts or something. Otherwise, this just makes her talking to herself even stranger.


Alright then, I think I'm going to stop here. I'm at the part where she just met Eikre and they are fighting a demon. There's enough systemic errors that pervade your entire story for you to work on. The constant tense shifts are really jarring and the strange names make it harder to immense myself in the story. Many of the sentences have too much going (already mentioned many times, I'm aware) and get confusing after there's five different verbs. There's a lot of things to fix but never fear, the story is redeemable. Of course, I hope I haven't scared you away with the review. Hope I was helpful at least.
>> No. 86518
Oh! sorry about that. Should be changed to comment now. :)
>> No. 86519
Title: Repercussions
Name: GaryOak
Tags: [Grimdark][Adventure]

Synopsis: In the midst of Twilight Sparkle's quest for knowledge, she has hit a wall in her research of her mentor, Princess Celestia. With help from a new ally she will delve into the secrets of the past, but is she ready to face what she will learn?

Prologue + Chapter 1: http://tinyurl.com/6q568ho

Comments/Requests: What should I do in terms of posting in this thread when more chapters of the fic are ready for review?
>> No. 86528
File 133003970747.png - (54.17KB , 566x545 , 37995 - artist aurelieia Trixie.png )

General Thoughts:
Besides the numerous corrections Trixie made, there was one general thing that truly irked The Great and Powerful Trixie - you were rushing the story, you fool.

There's a painful abruptness in most of the emotional and scene transitions, due to you deciding that one or two sentences was plenty to cover a change in reality, several memories, sudden bursts of crying, and a wedding preposition! Now, Trixie could tell the you know how to write, so it almost leaves Trixie baffled as to how you neglected to keep writing those important transitions in. That, and occasionally going too far with your attempts at conveying emotion is what dragged this story down.

Trixie knows you can do better, and Trixie is never wrong - don't you dare even think of making Trixie wrong.

Over all, Trixie thought the story was well-written, if not Trixie's cup of tea - why, you didn't even bring up The Great and Powerful Trixie once! Still, Trixie wouldn't be upset if she had to read it again, especially if you make all the glorious and brilliant changes Trixie has suggested - that's praise enough, trust Trixie.

This isn't the last you've seen of The Great and Powerful Trixie!
>> No. 86531
File 133004009055.jpg - (133.08KB , 771x1037 , twilight_sparkle_by_thegoldcrowondvd-d3h543n_png.jpg )
Title: Termina's Final Twilight
Tags: [Adventure][Crossover][(eventually)Grimdark]

Description: Twilight Sparkle finds herself in a new world after following up on a rumor. Quickly meeting up with a strange youth in the forest, she is thrust into a world which has been doomed since the dawn of time. Will she be able to fulfill her destiny and save the land from its final twilight?

It's been a while since I have completed a chapter in my story, but about a month ago, I finished the fourth chapter of my story. I've gotten some help here and there on the previous chapters, but it has been about six months since I last completed anything. My story is a crossover with the Legend of Zelda series, particularly Majora's Mask. However, I still want this to be enjoyable for anyone who just enjoys reading fanfiction and/or adventure stories.

Chapter 4: http://tinyurl.com/856xosl

The following have already been complete and linked to Equestria Daily, but I'll link them as a reference.

Chapter 1: http://tinyurl.com/7tf4h8c
Chapter 2: http://tinyurl.com/7zr3qxb
Chapter 3: http://tinyurl.com/82v6cdk

Hope I didn't leave anything out. For whoever decides to help me out, I would appreciate it if you could email me at [email protected] That way, I can get a heads up and meet you in the document, and add you to the list for editing. Thanks a lot!
>> No. 86544
Title: Birthright

Link to story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1585/Birthright

Tags: [Dark][Sad][Adventure]

Current lenght: about 30.000 words

Summary: Since the earliest days, ponies have foolishly believed that the natural order of their world would never change. That there would always be magic for them to use. That the princesses would rule Equestria for all eternity. That nothing could change their happy and ordered lives.

They were wrong. An event, known as The Shift, caused the world's magic to weaken, and the days of Equestria's ... glory came to an end.

Now, many years after the cataclysm, the world is still broken. But there is hope. Some vestiges of magic still linger in the world...

Problems: Surprisingly even for me, my story had passed EQD's prereaders without any problems. But still, there are some quite critical comments that I've received, which prompted me for general "let's fix this thing" before writing further into the story. One of the main things that have been noticed is that my style is too far on the 'tell' scale on the golden "show, don't tell" rule. But there are other problems as well.

Therefore, I'd love if some kind soul would look into my story, and give me his/hers overview: what to fix, what are my strong sides in writing, what are my weak points, how to make the writing as enjoyable and eye-catching as possible, etc...

So, please, I'll appreciate any kind of constructive help that I'd receive from you!
>> No. 86563
File 133004428185.jpg - (12.06KB , 600x254 , 430315-vlcsnap_00015_super.jpg )
Since my expertise has been specifically requested by Brony R-Zo ( >>84357 ), I suppose I shall claim this story, if only because I am in a generous mood today.
Your review is forthcoming. I will post it here and on his FimFiction page, as I am unsure as to whether he is still lurking this thread. Since he has not deigned to provide a Gdoc with commenting enabled, I will not deign to proivde specific examples of his mistakes. Let this be a warning to others who wish to seek my advisement; you will make it easy for me to mark your egregious flubs, or they will not be marked at all.
>> No. 86575
File 133004558142.png - (119.42KB , 943x943 , 130888000709.png )
Title: Spirits of Harmony (Rewrite), Chapter I
Author: Stormchaser
Tags: Adventure, OC-Heavy
Synopsis: After experiencing strange phenomena related to the Elements of Harmony, the Mane 6 discover "echoes" of past bearers are embedded inside them. They have their own stories to tell about their journey to claim the Elements, and the threats they used them to fight.

NB: This is going to be a weird one. I'm in the process of completely rewriting a work that's already been approved by Equestria Daily and on there for sometime (since August 2011, in fact). However, I'm rewriting them because of an intense personal dissatisfaction with the general quality of writing and the characterisation and dialogue of some of the characters. I'm providing two links: the original, and the revised version. I only need a review of the revised version, and you don't even need to look at the original if you don't want to - I know a lot of reviewers are pressed for time - but if you do have the time, I'd appreciate you telling me if my writing and characterisation has improved.


Original: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11LJCUa-R2PdvM9YuHfFPzX76DBA8O7281tohbz0kIEU/edit?hl=en_GB

Revised: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1u1FHh1JXCt_ZgIa0iDuzYR19ZEt3VTlThtFrHg6R4vk/edit

Looking forward to hearing from you guys.

Reposted because I forgot to put the title in the Subject field.
>> No. 86599
File 133004891650.png - (322.44KB , 1000x1000 , 1329464802290.png )
Acknowledged. As much as I love you Trixie, I couldn't think of a way to incorporate you into the story. The lack of description on the memories... well I was being lazy honestly. I didn't want to pull out of Pinkie's perspective and into the memories, so I just glossed over it. I'll go back and fix them up though.
>> No. 86601
File 133005014004.jpg - (82.50KB , 1307x569 , 132265929728.jpg )
Let us begin.

>Traditionally, Nightmare Night is a night
Well, duh. It's in the name. Why not "Is a time"?

>Most foals, most ponies in general, only ever thought about the latter two.
You're missing a conjunction at the beginning for between "foals," and "most". Awkwardly worded in either case.

Wait is this in present tense? Ugh... There's nothing inherently wrong with present tense, but my inital opinion is that you aren't capable of pulling it off.

Ahh, crap, decided to double-check my colon rules and I realized that I've been telling people to capitalize after them when they shouldn't be. Well, now I know.
I still think it looks neater capped, though.

I can't help but feel as if Spike is narrating this like in Hearth's Warming. That isn't a good thing, by the way.

No such word as this. You're looking for "ecstatic".

Suddenly, drugs. Drugs everywhere up in this hizzle. Too much, too fast. You're losing me and we aren't even through the first page yet.

>scumbag bastard
Maybe I'm not in the right mood for this right now, but using that sort of description in the exposition for a non-grimdark story seems a little excessive. If this was first-person or it was a character saying that, it wouldn't be as bad, but that's far too direct for the narrator.

It's like you're trying to cram a Film Noir feel into the regular FiM universe.

And now we're jumping all over the place. Discord has a master, then there's a flashback... Just what was that entire opening scene with the officers for?

And then Discord was EVVILLLLLL.
Ugh. So typical.

I can't say I'm particulraly enticed to read further, so I won't. You have events that are only related to each by bare threads, hackneyed origin stories and an uber-villain that curbstomps Discord like a swatter does to a fly. The writing itself was decent, but I couldn't shake the feeling that it was off in some way I can't explain. Perhaps I'm just too tired to at this point to really look deeply into your story, but I'm afraid I can't offer much more advice than to re-examine your plot and possibly considered rewriting or expanding it.

Best of luck on your future writing endeavours.
>> No. 86607
Thanks. I wanted scathing, and that was definetly scathing.

I actually mainly wanted you to read the g-docs I had provided, since the ones on fimfic had already been deemed publishable by EqD prereaders, but you ARE the reviewer, and you were nice enough to respond to my request, so I'll take what I can get. Regardless, your review was pretty helpful, and gave me some stuff to think about, so thanks!
>> No. 86610
Oh, two more things:

>using that kind of description in a non grimdark story seems a bit excessive.
....... it IS grimdark... however, your right about it not really fitting in with the narration, so it's probably slated for destruction anyway.
Also, hope you don't mind, but I'm gonna delete your review from the comments. Just in case you cared.
>> No. 86611
What purpose would that have served? I would have had to read the three preceeding chapters anyways to know what the heck was going on >_>.
>> No. 86615
File 133005184939.jpg - (34.15KB , 614x350 , anton.jpg )
I noticed the Dark tag.
I wouldn't call it Grimdark. Not at that point, at least. Perhaps it does later, but that's a moot point now.
I am mildly dissapointed that you're deleting the comment. I can only hope you don't do that with all negative comments.
>> No. 86619
I expected you to read the preceding chapters, I was just a little dissapointed that my writing was too poor to hold your attention long enough to get you there.

Not grimdark? In the prolouge alone, we have criminal activities, two cops getting killed mercilessly, and an alternate Discord origin where he makes a deal with a being who is just as powerful as he is, goes insane, and kills his entire hometown, including his family and baby sister. But if that doesn't fall under grimdark, then no prob.

And no, I don't delete every negative comment, just look at the first dozen comments, from when my writing REALLY sucked. I just have a pet peeve about reviews in the comments section, that's all.
>> No. 86629
Ion-Sturm, if it's not too much... >>86117 pretty much needs one of your reviews.

I know I posted the story here for the guy that wrote this...but this story just isn't good at all, character-wise. I really want to see this ripped into, so I'm requesting that you review it if you have time.
>> No. 86632
It wasn't poor. I've read far worse. It was your plot that killed it for me. I could have easily kept reading if the plot had managed to hook my impressionable mind.

That's not Grimdark, that's just violence. Grimdark is a palpable sense of hopelessness, where nothing can go right and it seems like evil will always triumph in the end. Grimdark does equal gore and guts.

Yes, I looked. That's okay by me.

I'll think about it. I don't really do charity cases. It either has to be so terrible that I can verbally rape the story without feeling guilty, or so good that I legitimately care about it and want to help the writer.
>> No. 86633
>Grimdark does equal gore and guts.
Herp derp. Does not.
>> No. 86634

Oh, now I wish the author uploaded his entire fic, instead of just those first few "entries". While the posted chapter isn't great, the characterization just gets worse and worse as it goes on.
>> No. 86635
There's something about ellipses that I've been meaning to ask. Clearly, using it a lot in the narrative voice is problematic. Yet how often can you use it in thoughts and in speech before things fall apart?

Almost all of my writing has loads and loads of inner dialogue, and I use ellipses constantly for that. I guess it just feels natural to me. Someone's thoughts will be disjointed, contradictory, crass, and poorly detailed compared to what they actually say. Or am I making a big mistake?
>> No. 86636
I've been meaning to ask you about that. I consider myself a middle of the range, mediocre sort of writer. I have one fic in particular in which I love the idea, but I know that's its a pretty weak story.

I'd like a 'tough' review, but I also would like a detailed review that goes through step by step what doesn't work. I also think that a lot of reviews that make 'tough' reviews ruin it by mixing in a lot of personal invective (comments such as "you took a dump on this story", "you're terrible", etc). I personally believe that: "There are no bad writers. There are only poor stories." (As the saying goes...) Ultimately, a fierce reviewer can and should be an author's best friend.
>> No. 86637
Ah. Yes. Silly me. It wasn't my story itself that was bad, just the part where it told a story.

Oh well.

And if that's the case, then grimdark is definetily the correct tag.
>> No. 86638
File 133005645727.png - (126.61KB , 640x360 , suspicious.png )
I've always had mixed feelings about ellipses. Unrehearsed human speech naturally has a lot of pauses, and the ellipsis is the most convenient symbol for representing those pause. However, it takes up a fair amount of space and can be annoying to see after a while. Observe:

The following paragraph is a word-for-word transcription of a recording of Stormchaser trying to vocally explain something with no prepared script.

I have this, uh... thing where my brain, uh, it... I-I-I know what I want to say... but, sort of the, the... way in which I say it... doesn't get calculated for a while, and... uh... n-, actually it's more like i-it doesn't get calculated at the same rate that I talk, so I-I'll have a concept of what I want to say... and... I'll be talking... but... like, the sentence processing section of my brain isn't fast enough to keep up with what I'm thinking and what I want to say. So you'll generally... beh... you'll generally tend to get vague stammering, and pauses... and that's generally... part of where ellipses go. You would use a lot of ellipses if you were actually... tryin'a depict me realistically, um... f-faithfully! Faithfully... in... literature. But it would also be very annoying to read, and I'm absolutely aware of that.
>> No. 86641
File 133005668918.jpg - (10.42KB , 600x254 , 430316-vlcsnap_00016_super.jpg )
You said:
>My writing was too poor
I said:
>It was your plot
So no, your story was the bad part, and your writing was fine. It wasn't amazing, it wasn't terrible. If you're going to be pasive-aggressive, you could at least try to get your facts straight.

From what I'd read, it wasn't. Note that: From what I'd read. I don't care if it becomes Grimdark later, because at that point you were just killing minor characters off like it was X-Men: The Last Stand.
>> No. 86644

.... touché
>> No. 86647

The trick to writing good dialogue is to make it sound like something someone would mean, not what they would actually say. That's what people do in real life, really: they filter out all the "um"s and "ah"s and boil it down to meaning.
>> No. 86648
File 133005765797.png - (86.00KB , 234x234 , quill.png )
Saved for future reference.
>> No. 86650
That's a good point. On the other hoof, I would rather read something like that then, say:

[ The doctor nudged himself through the double doors. He slowly took a seat alongside Big Mac, the cushion deflating a little. The stallion slid over a few inches over to the mare.

"I'm very sorry to say this, sir," said the doctor, "Big Mac, you're wife has passed."

"I'm very sorry as well," replied Mac. He stepped up, and he headed out the side door. He eyed the bar alongside the hospital. "Surely, a vodka will improve my spirits." ]

If the situation calls for him to babble like a baby, then he should babble like a baby.

On another other hoof, I must confess that I am completely addicted to ellipses in my own writing. The mere thought of removing them pains me, even though I should. (Am I up to three hooves now?)
>> No. 86652
>>86284 >>85108
Detailed comments in doc.

First, I'll address the pre-reader's comments.

>Sentences could flow together a little better in places. The very first pair, for instance.
Agree. They're not a good hook.

>Not a fan of that section/time break.
I'm on the fence. It doesn't break up the action, because there's no action after it. I'd have to reserve judgment until seeing how it flows into the next chapter, but as it is currently, I don't feel like you's lose anything by rearranging it in chronological order. The last little scene after the flashback is throwaway. Nothing important happens.

>Having some trepidation about the insertion of these OCs into Ponyville.
Not sure yet, but some work is needed to better integrate these characters into Ponyville. Is Azure a long-time rival of Lyra, or did they just happen to meet that day. If Powerchord knows the town that well, why can't he remember the name of Sugarcube Corner, and why doesn't he know who Pinkie is?

>I saw the note about the gangster's speech. It's... weird. I wouldn't hold this back for that either, but it does make it seem like everything he says is either emphasized or stilted, which is almost a mode of speech but doesn't quite work.
Agree entirely. Italics are reserved for thoughts, short flashbacks, emphasis, and short foreign terms. You're not adding anything by doing the italics, and it's a bit of a visual assault. If you take the time to describe his voice, it will be just as effective, as the reader will hear it however he likes anyway. You can also imply tone of voice through word choice and phrasing.

Now, my general thought:
Your mechanics are mostly sound, which is a pleasant surprise. There are some intermittent errors in dialogue punctuation and chronic issues with proper emphasis.

There are some instances of strange phrasing that I've marked and made a few suggestions.

The narrator is breaking a lot of rules. Too often, he gets inside a character's head and says things that should be that character's thoughts.

There are pervasive show-versus-tell issues. I've marked 2 or 3 of the worst ones and suggested some methods for fixing them. You'll have to go through the story and look for other places. It's an important lesson to learn, and is crucial in scenes of intense emotion or that are central to the plot. Look for opportunities in dialogue as well. What's said is only half of a conversation. Give me the rest: body language, motion, facial expression, reactions... In these conversations, you can go back and forth without using speech tags since it's obvious who's speaking, but by adding in a few attributions, it gives you an opportunity to expand on the sentence and communicate more of this information.

There's not a lot to go on yet, and the prologue might be better spent introducing us to the characters more. I've raised a couple of points in my response to the pre-reader's comments. I'd also say that it was strange that Powerchord is so lackadaisical about music. It's his cutie mark, and yet in his conversation with Gunner, he gives the impression that it's some dusty talent he decides to drag out of the closet because it suits his needs at the moment. Azure is better drawn, as we get more of a glimpse inside her head and her family relationships.

You've got an interesting concept going, and it'll be interesting to see how you play the two MC's motivations against each other over the intervening six months. Do they share their stories to convince each other to drop out? Do they become friends? There are a lot of potential directions to go.

It's better to build strong characters and develop a story around them than build a plot concept and invent characters to fill it. The two biggest things you need are fuller development of the characterizations and a better job of showing instead of telling.

There's a good nugget of a story here. Stick with it. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 86660

When you've used too many ellipses is the point at which a reader goes, "man this author loves ellipses."

The thing with ellipses (as well as interrupting hyphens and exclamation marks and italicized emphasis) is that the more you use them the less impact they have. If you really want your ellipses to nail home indecision and doubt, then you can't be using them all over the place. On the other hand, imagine a story that doesn't use any ellipses, at the climax:

"Tell me, do you love me?"


Those three dots will have way more impact and do way more to the reader if you've been sparse with them throughout. If you have been throwing them around, they';; have much less meaning.

PS. I use too many ellipses.
>> No. 86679
A few spreadsheet updates I see in the thread:

Row 18: Review completed 2/21 >>86107 (last post, all links included), not acknowledged yet.
Row 19: Claimed by Grif.
Row 32: Review completed 2/23 >>86652 not acknowledged yet.
Row 47: Claimed by Swiper.
>> No. 86688
File 133006481437.png - (192.54KB , 1610x1487 , CursorBrohoof.png )
Review is in this GDoc:

tl;dr: Good stuff. I have some minor language quibbles, but this was a good read.

You may want to rework your synopsis, though. This thread should be helpful: >>70737
>> No. 86696
Hello. I reviewed it google docs (mostly) and then I posted a little bit of stuff here on this thread at: >>86112

I guess I'm just waiting for 'acknowledgement' (?) Or whatever you guys call it w.r.t this thread
>> No. 86699
Thank you so much! Just a few things to clear up though:

>using two spaces after each sentence
I don't like it either, and I'll definitely change it. I only started doing it because my co-author (who writes the first drafts) does it, and when I first started writing with him, I wasn't comfortable changing a lot of things he did. But I'll use single spaces for sure.

>that sentence where I said Crash instead of Flex
My co-author had different names for all of them when we began writing. I only ended up changing their names a few days ago. I guess the find > replace tool didn't catch that one. (Flex used to be named Crash)

>bunch of hyphenated words
Microsoft Word and Google Docs have different dictionaries, so for things like "newfound", Google didn't recognize them as words. I wasn't sure which dictionary to go with. I will change those words according to your advice, though.

>numbers as words
I wasn't entirely sure what the rule was for using digits instead of words, but I'll follow your advice.

>then is not a conjunction
I didn't know this. I thought Word was just being weird when it said I had to use "and then", but I guess you learn something new every day.

>the depressing scenes in the cave versus the funny scenes with Spark
I kind of agree with you that it is bizarre, but it's partly due to Starswirl's personality and partly because I think the story would be way too depressing if everything was sad all over. I consider it comic relief, but I might tone it down a bit.

I will definitely follow your advice. Thank you for taking the time to review it, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.
>> No. 86700
Got em, and the EZN review too.
>> No. 86702
Another few things:

>using american spelling
I know! I'm Canadian but my co-author is American, and all the guides I've read say that I have to choose one kind of spelling and stick with it, so I just sucked it up and went with American. It looks ridiculous to me, but alas.

>using the word "buck"
Yes, I am a big FO:E fan, so I didn't realize I wasn't actually supposed to use that word, heh.

>Unicornia being the name of the city
Yeah, I watched Hearth's Warming Eve again and realized that they never actually said what their cities were called before they founded Equestria. I might change that just for canon's sake.

>Ghost saying only one thing
In the first draft, there was a paragraph explaining his character (how he had his eyes gouged out by some shadow ponies he'd been training with, and how he chooses to rarely speak except for when he makes jokes or insults aimed at Jasper), but I thought it wasn't necessary (show > tell, after all). Do you think I should explain somewhere that he isn't actually mute? Or is it fine the way it is?

I tried to be very aware of not using it, but it felt very much like I was using their names too much. But if what you said about names being invisible is true, then I'll gladly change it.

>why doesn't Starswirl kill them
It's revealed in later chapters that allowing them to live was his biggest regret, and the day that Spark escaped was the day that Starswirl had returned to kill them.

>opening being a smaller font
Will definitely change that.

>a small nugget of ore
>a small nugget of ore
I think you forgot to type the correction there?
>> No. 86704

Well, that was blunt, but I suppose this story deserves it. Most of your complaints (nothing happens, secret blown too early and unconvincingly) echo those of friends I showed this fic to, and it might have been better to have edited the fic accordingly without waiting for a second opinion here. I'm kind of surprised you thought the characterization was fine, as I've been told I made Rarity too bitchy and Fluttershy too assertive.

Regardless, I've got all the input I need now, so I guess this means I'll be out of the queue for at least a month. Probably two. Thanks for the help.
>> No. 86712
As I mentioned in the review, the "then" thing seems to be something no-one can agree on. A quick Google search of "then as a conjunction" or "is then a conjunction?" reveals both "yes, it is" and "no, it isn't".

My rule's going to be to use it in dialogue but not in narration.

>Microsoft Word and Google Docs have different dictionaries, so for things like "newfound", Google didn't recognize them as words. I wasn't sure which dictionary to go with. I will change those words according to your advice, though.
I always doublecheck any spellings I'm not sure of using WordWeb (http://wordweb.info/free/). Seeing as it's a dictionary, I trust it more than any spellcheck.

>I kind of agree with you that it is bizarre, but it's partly due to Starswirl's personality and partly because I think the story would be way too depressing if everything was sad all over. I consider it comic relief, but I might tone it down a bit.
I can't say that it's a particularly bad thing, and I don't think I would be able to read the story if it kept that heartbreaking tone all the way through, but toning it down might be a good idea.

My favourite quote about this is http://derpy.me/P659u I think resorting to descriptors when names feel overused is a kind of author indulgence, and one must be careful with those. I try to only use it when I have a very good reason for using a particular descriptor in a particular context.

>>using american spelling
I weep for you! =) (seriously though, good job being consistent about it)

"Male deer and goats are referred to as bucks (larger species of male deer such as elk or moose are called bulls)"
As much as I enjoyed FOE, that rather bothered me. Although I suppose it was at least partially justified by how well "Pipbuck" rolls off the tongue (I'm constantly using it instead of Pipboy when talking about Fallout...).

>>a small nugget of ore
>>a small nugget of ore
>I think you forgot to type the correction there?
Silly me! It should be "small nuggets of ore", because otherwise it sounds like the miner ponies are taking turns putting the same nugget of ore in their baskets, as it if was the single electron in this universe. =P (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One-electron_universe)
>> No. 86713
Gotcha. I think I'll follow your "and then" rule just to play it safe.

>> No. 86714
File 133007034656.jpg - (98.42KB , 800x775 , 2.jpg )
Thanks for the review, Sapidus.

I understand that some things are a bit hard to swallow plot-wise. One issue with fanfiction is that you release one chapter at a time, and then the demand for immediate explanations are hard to dodge. I have 3 Interlude chapters, each shedding light on different parts before the main story, but I never intended to include them in the Prologue. Most of Dash's military background doesn't get covered until much later. :\

I'd ask for you to review one of the more recent chapters, but in the interest of you actually enjoying the story in a later revision, you shouldn't.
>> No. 86729
File 133008179359.jpg - (394.63KB , 1049x634 , eternal friendship copy.jpg )
>> No. 86730
Title: Kindle the Bonfire
Author: sirhim11
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: [Grimdark] [Adventure] [Light-Shipping] [Sad]
Synopsis: The Darksign. It brands the dead. Those who die come back as a shell of their former selves. If they do not restore their equinity the ponies lose their minds and go hollow, attacking all who still take breath. Ponies wait for their princesses to end this blight, but no help comes. Equestria is dying.
Links: Chapter 7:

Chapter 8:

Both chapter seven and eight are up for review. I don't know if I should add a link to the previous chapters, but if you want me to I will.
>> No. 86731
Oops, I forgot.
Another tag is: [Crossover]
>> No. 86736
Title - Drop of Chaos

Author/screen name - Cupcakes Knight

Tags - Adventure, Comedy, Unfinished, Alternate Universe

Synopsis - For a second time Discord is trapped and while he may seem immobile, his mind is still active and bored. But something went wrong when the Mane 6 imprisoned him and he gained interesting abilities. He can use them to create anything, his little world, bunnies, even chocolate milk. What will Discord do? Will he be able to finally enjoy some Chaos? (basically Discordception)

List of links to the story - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8119/Drop-of-Chaos

Which chapters you’d like to have reviewed - All of them

Comments/requests - I want honest review and a tip about how I could boost publicity of the fanfic. I know I shouldn't expect much for my first fanfic but still...
>> No. 86751
File 133009784262.png - (43.58KB , 249x315 , My bearded ponysona.png )

I'd consider it. I have an internal struggle. Sure, your story might be interesting (you have a decent fanbase there in FiMFiction), so I cannot tell you to disappoint them by changing the story, plot-wise. Then again, some changes should be made if you want to go for EqD (it's a sacrifice for a greater good, and it's always up to the author if it's worthy), the most important being to explain how everything happened.

In alternate universes or crossovers you could get away with it, if it's true that some explanations should be given sooner or later, and the sooner, the better. Then again, we have the real Equestria' here, with the same characters from the show. If characters change so much, and this is something that happens, physically and psychologically, those five years were important, and should be mentioned before the rest of the story.

I'd love to read the story just for fun, and that's what I may try to do later. When I review, I hardly ever enjoy the reading because I keep looking for issues that should be mentioned, especially when the author wants to have his or her story submitted to EqD, which means that I have to keep an ever closer eye in order to find issues that might be pointed out by the pre-readers.

I wish you luck with the story.
>> No. 86769
I've liked your stuff in the past, and this concept is intriguing.

Therefore, I go into this review with the highest expectations of perfection...
>> No. 86783
File 133010734811.jpg - (60.33KB , 952x841 , 74142 - Nightmare_Moon artist Autumn_Maple tea.jpg )
Yeah, I can understand how going in with a review mindset can kill the idea of reading for pleasure. I do not like my early chapters, but with the idea of covering a greater majority of the time skip (I can't do it all since that would break the plot's flow), I could enhance the characterization greatly. It opens up a lot of doors, though, especially for fleshing out the Romance tag sooner.

Again, thank you for the review (and sorry for mixing your name up in an earlier post xD).
>> No. 86792

Hello and welcome to the Training Grounds. This is your reviewer Dublio here, and I'm going to do my best to help you improve your writing and your story. As long as you're willing, any story can be salvaged. Although sometimes, you may have to rewrite or scrap certain scenes altogether. A word of warning in advance: I'm only human, so I make mistakes. If you're dissatisfied with your review, don't forget that you can always resubmit and ask for another reviewer. I promise not to be offended. That being said, here we go! Most of the review for this story was done in-doc via comments, but here is a tl;dr version for you.

Notes for Chapter 1:

You get bonus points for being original and for using Colgate, who is rarely seen in fics, but the pre-reader is right, the execution could be improved by a lot. I did my best to point out many of the grammar, misspellings, and punctuation mistakes, but it's harder to root out the bigger problems unless the presentation is fixed first. That being said, many of the repetitive sentence structures, repeating of obvious information, use of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, confusing pronouns and sentences, and odd phrases and wordchoice really bring the story down. Many of the actions sound like a laundry list.

Some of the words that should be connected as one word have been split into two. I pointed out as many instances as I can in doc. Lots of random words that should be capitalized when they're not, and vice versa as well. Missing commas and punctuation for various parts too.

Your sentences are done in two ways: she verbed, then verbed or verbing, she verbed, then verbed. There are also many problems with showing vs telling and saying vague things that don't paint a good picture in a reader's head. Lots of passive voice runs rampant through your story as well. I've provided some suggestions in the comments of the doc but you don't have to use them. I just wanted to provide an alternate idea for you to chew on.

Also, be aware of adverbs. Adverbs are very telling and boring. She said angrily, she said sadly, she said constipated, these are all telling. Describe the character's body languages. Show us. Imagine if you were filming them, what would you see on the screen? All of your verbs are verb-ing but hardly verb-ed. Many times, you end up using the wrong form, making the sentence sounds very odd.

At the very least, Twilight sounds in character. The premise is also interesting, so I wanted to find out what happened next, despite the other problems. This story needs a lot of work before EqD will accept it though. If you're willing to improve and rewrite, then this story can be salvaged. After I'm finished with the review and you correct the mistakes, I recommend you to resubmit this to the Training Grounds first. Get another eye to look at it and find alternate suggestions on how to improve your prose.

I think where the chapter ended can be improved as well. The problems in the first chapter seemed too easily solved because as soon as they find the source of the gum problems, they immediately find out how to fix it. Also, if she knows what the problem is, why doesn't she tell the other ponies? What type of toothpaste were they using before, if any? There are a few plot holes here, also mentioned in the doc. According to the pre-reader, it's supposed to last for ten chapters. I admit I'm curious as to how you're going to pull that off.

Notes for Chapter 2:

The same sentence structure issues, confusing pronouns, occasional LUS, and missing subjects appear here. Pretty much the same problems as Chapter 1, basically. Lots of telling, and half the time lots of words seemed to be missing. This chapter looks a lot more unpolished than chapter 1. Far more misspellings, wrong punctuation and other little errors that nickel and dime your story's appeal.

Ending notes:

I know the review sounds a bit harsh because it contains so much, but I did it so that you know what problems to work on. It's for your best interest, although I'm aware that being criticized feels very terrible. Still, once you fix up the story, send it back into the Training Grounds. It takes a few passes before a story is improved enough to see progress. After all, every rough draft is considered terrible.
>> No. 86795
File 133011113725.jpg - (77.76KB , 755x1057 , 131284094877.jpg )
There was a thread just made that was deleted as soon lamost immediately after it was posted. To the creator of it, you are under no obligation to review something if it's so unapologetically terrible that there's no reason to bother. You're here to help other writers improve, not be the janitor to clean up after they suffer a seizure on their keyboard. You're offering a service without expecting any sort of recompensation and, as such, you are more than in your rights to deny a story for any reason. The only thing that would be frowned upon is accepting a story without intending to ever actually review it.
>> No. 86799
yeah, I just asked in the IRC and got pretty much the same response, so I figured I'd get rid of the post already. :S
>> No. 86827
Expect a review in an hour or so.
>> No. 86851
File 133012353726.png - (1.42MB , 3320x2600 , threadupdate 2.png )

>Reviews waiting: 11
>Reviews in progress: 17
>Unclaimed: 24

ATTENTION JTYLERG AUTHOR OF ‘THE ISLAND OF MARECADIA’ Your story seems to be deleted. Which leads to no possibility to review it. It’s removed from the queue… for now.

For those who use Google Documents and didn’t know. You can enable comments for your work. Doing this will make it for most of the reviewers easier to review. How to enable comments? Click on the share button at the top right of your screen, and set privileges to comment instead of view (of course, make sure it is shared).


Pascoite | >>85689 | 2/20/2012 | | 2/4/2012 | A Dash of Magic | Zaiker42 | >>83565
Demetrius | >>86392 | 2/23/2012 | | 1/26/2012 | Reclaiming Ponyland | Margos | >>79897
Filler | >>86351 | 2/23/2012 | | 2/10/2012 | A Brand New Reality | OrchestraOfOrder | >>83328
Pascoite | >>86097 | 2/22/2012 | | 2/10/2012 | Moonbound | Warmblood | >>83349
The Great and Powerful!Trixie | >>85853 | 2/20/2012 | | 2/13/2012 | Closer Than You Think | Nitrox Brony | >>83939
Haloperidol | >>85662 | 2/20/2012 | | 2/16/2012 | Shy of the Night | Kirdus | >>84788
Split Infinitive | >>85741 | 2/20/2012 | | 2/16/2012 | SRB | iKw33r | >>84977
Pascoite | >>86652 | 2/24/2012 | | 2/17/2012 | The Canterlot Music Competition | TheOrchestralBrony | >>85108
Swiper | >>86112 | 2/24/2012 | | 2/21/2012 | The Ultimate Element | Akamaru01 | >>86048
Dublio | >>86792 | 2/24/2012 | | 2/22/2012 22:22:13 | Toothpaste | Brotato | >>86347
Sapidus3 | >>86479 | 2/23/2012 | | 2/23/2012 6:52:27 | Spike's Story | Quintus | >>86417


Sparky | | | | 12/29/2011 | In Fragments | James Corck | >>74834
Anendlessepidemic | | | | 1/10/2012 | Legend of the Five Ponies | Simon o'Sullivan | >>77208
TimeForKronos | | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
Bidoof | | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendship is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
StarmanTheta | | | | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
Anonymous | | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
Chowderhead | | | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
Josh Meihaus | | | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
Halcyon | | | | 2/10/2012 | The Eternal Gift | Josh Meihaus | >>83302
Grif | | | | 2/11/2012 | A Star's Golden Chance | The Zephyr | >>83578
Dublio | | | | 2/16/2012 | My Little XLR | Alkem | >>84706
Exarona | | | | 2/16/2012 | My Choices: Twisted Tales Through Time | Koolerkid | >>84836
AidanMaxwell | | | | 2/20/2012 | Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is. | SpilledInk | >>85748
Dublio | | | | 2/21/2012 | Griffon a Hard Time | Tricky-Step | >>85968
Pascoite | | | | 2/22/2012 20:19:02 | Paranormal Regrets | Dublio | >>86324
Dublio | | | | 2/23/2012 4:36:05 | Icarus | Tamar | >>86396
<Warden> | | | | 2/23/2012 15:01:23 | Repercussions | GaryOak | >>86519


| | | | 1/31/2012 | The Three Souls | Athlon2736 | >>81058
| | | | 2/10/2012 | Neo-Equestria | herpyderpy | >>83329
| | | | 2/12/2012 | From Canterlot with Love | Sagebrush | >>83644
| | | | 2/13/2012 | Cloud 9 | Professor Toast | >>83972
| | | | 2/14/2012 | Elysian Fields | Bullets | >>84038
| | | | 2/14/2012 | The Sunseekers | Candypony | >>84220
| | | | 2/16/2012 | Fluttershy’s Shadow: Chapter One - A doubt of a shadow | Broken Logic | >>84691
| | | | 2/16/2012 | Azurite Dawn | Tandyman100 | >>84726
| | | | 2/17/2012 | Total Magic Pony Island | Tailslover13 | >>85241
| | | | 2/19/2012 | Moonshy | hagi20 | >>85544
| | | | 2/19/2012 | Contact: Apple Harvest | Ty500600 | >>85571
| | | | 2/19/2012 | A Future Worth Saving | Flashgen | >>85668
| | | | 2/21/2012 | Colours Will Fade With Time | Nelrond the AlphaPony | >>85513
| | | | 2/21/2012 | Time of the Black Sun | RainbowDoubleDash | >>86014
| | | | 2/20/2012 | The Carnival of Chaos Chapter 2 | Dext | >>85808
| | | | 2/21/2012 | The Journals of an Equestrian Nobody | StrongBrush1 | >>86117
| | | | 2/22/2012 | Through the Eyes of the Hurricane | Impossible Numbers | >>86165
| | | | 2/22/2012 | Celestia's Choice | Impossible Numbers | >>86177
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Termina's Final Twilight | Foursword4 | >>86531
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Birthright | Netaro | >>86544
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Spirits of Harmony Rewrite, Chapter I | Stormchaser | >>86575
| | | | 2/24/2012 | Kindle the Bonfire | sirhim11 | >>86730
| | | | 2/24/2012 | Drop of Chaos | Cupcakes Knight | >>86736
| | | | 2/24/2012 | Dante in Ponyville | mokrosuhibrijac | >>86389
>> No. 86868
I really appreciate you going through those two terrible chapters. I'm not mad at you for the review, but I did chuckle at several of your comments. I'll probably get to work on them over the weekend.

I've decided to make it a one-shot and will probably tear apart the entire story and start over. I might have gotten a bit overambitious with the whole ten chapters idea. >_>;

I hope you would be interested in reviewing it a second time? :)
>> No. 86870

Sure, I'd love to review your story a second time. :D
>> No. 86871
The majority of the review is in comments, but I'll point out some of the major things here as well.

First, Tags. You mentioned in IRC about being unsure if Grimdark is the right tag, and if the story goes where I'm guessing it will, then you should keep it, but it's hard to know for sure this far in. Maybe consider just a [Dark] tag.

Twilight feels a little wrong. This is all happening after the current events of the show, so I'm having a hard time buying that she as obsessed with studying and practically ignoring her friends as much as you imply. That said, she shifts really easily into friendly Twilight the moment Pinkie gets her to start coming to Sugercube Corner. Speaking of that, you use Sugar Cube Corner as opposed to Sugarcube Corner which is my personal preference since I'm not sure which is "right" per se.

Rainbow Dash comes off as far too much of a jerk. Tone it down a bit.

I liked Applejack, well done there.

Fluttershy. Why in Celestia's name does NOPONY care about literally [b]every animal vanishing? It's completely ignored except for twilight thinking to herself that it's a little odd. Heck, you could write an entire story from just that event.

Greyhoof: He's an OC and feels like it, but a couple things stand out to me as potential trope abuse. His "blazing orange eyes" how Twilight finds him "strangely captivating" and then his background story. It's just sounding some warning bells in my head that he's either actually a villain, or he's going to end of "Gary Stu"ing his way to Twilight's heart/victory later on. Just be aware of that.

Pinkie Pie: Everyone seems a bit high-strung about her. Party of One was significant, but you seem to be using it as her defining episode. Even with throwaway referencing to Pinkie Keen, I don't think you've quite captured the essence of our favorite pink party pony.

The only other problem sticking out to me is Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. (LUS) 90% of the instances of it don't work, but the other 10% can stay if you ask me. (All the ones I marked in-doc should go) For a definition, see the following copy paste from Vanner:

"Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies
every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns.

But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way
to go through life."

Keep up the writing, but really fix that whole thing with Fluttershy.
>> No. 86894

Immensely helpful stuff.

The LUS seems to be the main thing, and I'll try to eradicate every trace of it.

Twilight is slipping back into her old habits of being cooped up instead of socializing with friends. I'll make it more clear that this is a recent change.

I think that Rainbow Dash is acting in character in regards to her interactions with Greyhoof, but I'll try to make her more considerate when talking about her friends.

The references to Party of One paint a picture that wasn't intentional. I'll edit most of them out or make it clear that the Mane 6 don't dare turn down a party invitation because they're worried that Pinkie will pester them to no end, not because they're afraid she'll go off the deep end.

You're absolutely right about the animals. I might have to move that plot point to a later time, or make it so that Fluttershy thinks the animals are hiding in their burrows or something like that. At any rate I'll make it so that the party is something that Fluttershy would agree to attend after pressure from Rainbow Dash, even if in her heart she really wanted to go back out and find out what was wrong with the animals.

Greyhoof needs more work and I'm aware of that. If you predicted that he's going to get shipped with Twilight later on, that's fantastic, exactly what I was going for. That scenario won't happen, though (spoilers!)

I'll correct the vast majority of your in-doc revisions in the third draft. There were only a couple that I didn't agree with...

Again, thanks so much.
>> No. 86910
Holy wow. Review Acknowledged, my friend. I'm glad you took the time to list, you know, every single freaking one of my errors. I went back through that thing at least twice and didn't notice some of the simpler grammar mistakes. Looks like I've got some work to do...
>> No. 86924
File 133014428443.jpg - (77.97KB , 960x542 , 132691 - cheerilee Shmoopy!.jpg )
>From Canterlot with lov
>by sagebrush

>> No. 86931
Detailed comments in doc.

Bold choice to do a first-person narrator. It's more difficult to pull off, but I can't fault what you've got so far. There were chronic issues with repetition of words and sentence structure. There are also numerous places where more demonstration of facial expressions and body language would really help sell the emotional content of each scene. As noted, I'd also recommend more technical language during the performance, as Lyra's a professional, and would use such terms.

I'm slightly mystified at what the relationship is between Lyra and Berry Punch. They're obviously friends, but I can;t tell how close, or for how long. There's not a lot of development for Bon Bon yet, as she just comes across as generically sweet so far, but from the direction the story is going, there will be plenty of opportunity to do so in later chapters. Lyra is well developed, except for the huge concert, as there's nothing in canon to suggest she's a successful musician. You might want to justify that, as I'm unclear on whether she earned this performance or Octavia/Bon Bon arranged it for her.

Well done. It's an engaging story, and you definitely have me rooting for the characters so that I care what happens to them. I like how the tension of the initial conflict just drops off the map with the introduction of the second one. I just worry that you're tipping your hand by giving too much away in the synopsis. However, blindsiding someone with something they didn't have any clue to expect will anger readers as well. There's a fine line to walk, but I think the tags have you covered for content, so I'd err on the side of keeping your cliffhanger under wraps.

So, to deal with your specific questions:

>Should I come up with a different title? Is this title catchy?
It's not bad, and I'd definitely stay away from something too straightforward or spoiler-ish. Aside from that, I have little advice. Titles will catch readers' personal preferences, so you'll hit or miss no matter what you pick. I try to pick lines or phrases from the story's critical scene.

>How is the synopsis?
Dealt with that above.

>Would you read this story based on the synopsis alone?
Absolutely. I was going to claim this in its initial draft, but Kurbz beat me to it. The problem is keeping it that way with regard to the answer to your previous question.

>Does the plot make sense so far?
Yes, aside from the few issues I discussed above.

>Is the ending intriguing?
It couldn't be more intriguing. You have me completely hanging on for the next installment.

>Do the characters act like themselves?
Well, there's not enough canon for any of these characters to establish their personalities or determine how they'd act in these circumstances. You pretty much have free reign as long as they remain believable and you develop them enough to make them realistic. Without established conflicts in their pasts, you do need to watch for Mary Sues, but you cleared Lyra for me by her lack of confidence before the performance and hinting and the slightly melancholy mood she seems to carry around. Just make sure you don't turn Bon Bon into a Sue, but I haven't seen that tendency in your writing before.

>Is the dialogue stiff and unrealistic?
No, it all flowed naturally. It just needs to be supplemented by more of the non-verbal side of a conversation.

>What are some suggestions on expanding the scenes? Am I missing important information or otherwise being confusing?
I touched on these points in the above summary and in the detailed in-doc comments. In brief: a little more back story to Lyra's career, since it isn't apparent from canon, and a little more insight to her relationship with Berry Punch.
>> No. 86944
File 133016106536.jpg - (115.05KB , 500x647 , MLD Book Novel Small.jpg )
A rewrite (with permission from the author) of ROBCakeran53's My Little Dashie.

[Normal][Sad][Human World Interaction][Incomplete]

Author's note: This is to serve as the basis for a script for the My Little Dashie film adaptation I'm doing. The rewrite will be based on the original story as well as GaruuSpike's First Bath, Game Over, and amimizuno22's A Moment along with original content.

As for the style, ROBCakeran53 told me that [My Little Dashie[/i] is written in a journal style from the standpoint of the narrator, so I wanted to keep that while writing this. This story is separated into Chapters which are separated into journal entries (ex. September XX, 20XX, "Name Here").

Not part of the story, and pretend this is an excerpt from an in-story book

Author's Note
Twenty-one years ago, I lived a very, very depressing life. At that time, my parents have already passed away and I lived alone ever since. But then, something wonderful-no MAGICAL happened. Although seemingly nonsensical and completely unusual for a fandom, I want you as a reader (or Brony) to know how one person can change your life. As a person, and as a father.


GoogleDocs - http://www.deviantart.com/users/outgoing?https://docs.google.com/open?id=0Bz75bNIKWWYcYjdlM2YyY2EtMDE3Yi00OTE2LTkzOGItYW
FiMfiction - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/10619/My-Little-Dashie---The-Adaption

My Little Dashie fan-sequels used in this story:
First Bath - http://garuuspike.deviantart.com/art/My-Little-Dashie-First-Bath-262987689?q=boost%3Apopular%20my%20little%20dashie%20fi
Game Over - http://garuuspike.deviantart.com/art/My-Little-Dashie-Game-Over-263145985?q=boost%3Apopular%20my%20little%20dashie%20fir
A Moment - http://amimizunofan22.deviantart.com/art/My-Little-Dashie-A-Moment-265671483?q=boost%3Apopular%20MY%20LITTLE%20DASHIE%20


1) Some elements of the original story were removed to comply with the limitations of the location where the film will be shot

2) If there is anything within my version that conflict with the original, please do point it out, I'd like to keep it as accurate as possible to the original
>> No. 86947
File 133016137269.jpg - (14.54KB , 600x254 , 430317-vlcsnap_00017_super.jpg )
My name is Ion-Sturm. I regularly post with Anton Ego as my avatar. You are an author who has brought a My Little Dashie story into my stomping grounds.
Tonight, you shall be my main course.
Tomorrow, you will have had your just desserts.

I would advise you prepare yourself but... heh, there is little that can prepare you for me.
>> No. 86948
I wouldn't have preferred any less, Mr. Ion-Sturm.
>> No. 86949
I'm not even the person that you replied to, and I feel physically scared reading that.
>> No. 86950
File 133016181178.jpg - (23.53KB , 400x266 , 132203681843.jpg )
Oh, and I suppose protocol must be considered.
I, Ion-Sturm, do declare that I am claiming My Little Dashie - The Adaption. I fully accept the responsibilities of critiquing this work, and will do so to the best of my abilities and with as little bias as humanly possible.
Granted, some might say I'm not exactly "human", but let's ignore the minor technicalities, shall we?

Also, Boxed surprise, it will be in your best interests to provide a Gdocs version of this with commenting enabled before I begin my inspection. You can be rest assured that I will have more than a few choice comments, should you expect me to read this in... DeviantArt.
Hmph, the name itself makes me gag.
>> No. 86951
GoogleDocs - https://docs.google.com/file/d/0Bz75bNIKWWYcYjdlM2YyY2EtMDE3Yi00OTE2LTkzOGItYWI3NGFkZTBkMjUw/edit

Link was available only on my DeviantArt, but regardless, that is the link.
>> No. 86953
File 133016233600.jpg - (12.06KB , 600x254 , 430315-vlcsnap_00015_super.jpg )
I am not reviewing pretty colours or fancy formatting. It would be for both of our benefit if you extracted the material you wish for me to review and put it into its own standard Google Document with commenting enabled.
>> No. 86956

Anything else?
>> No. 86957
File 133016396972.jpg - (34.15KB , 614x350 , anton.jpg )
Excuse me for a second. I feel my sanity slipping, for which the only cure is imbibing copious amounts of fermented juice.

Let us examine the two main requests I asked of you.
>Have it in a standard Google Document
>Enable commenting
Neither of these have been fulfilled. Perhaps I wasn't quite clear enough, but what I require of you is to make a Gdoc of your story, one that is like just about every single other story in the fandom. Click a random Gdoc link in here and you will see what I mean. After that, enable commenting so that I may directly mark your deficiencies.
On an unrelated note, I heavily advise you to change your current font choice. It is rather hard on the eyes, in my humble opinion.
>> No. 86959
File 133016424473.png - (26.94KB , 800x600 , FP-Lurk.png )
>hint hint nudge nudge
You wouldn't happen to be able to look at my fic when you're done here, would ya? I absolutely delight in seeing your reviews and though mine is fairly long at the moment, I'd love to have someone go over it.

But only if you have the time or the interest to do so.
>> No. 86960
File 133016468327.png - (177.22KB , 200x154 , 132990524730s.png )
>comes back to /fic/ in a lull in depression
>sees Ion reviewing
>My Little Dashie novelization
>Hyphenated "Yeah-thanks"
>pic related
>> No. 86961

If by standard you mean to "Create" a document as opposed to uploading a file, then this should be it.
>> No. 86962
Oh boy, looked over it one more time to see if the link works, it does, but cannot comment. Fixed that. Should be fine.
>> No. 86964
Claimed and Reviewed.

>> No. 86966
Title: Bones, Diamonds, and Time
Author: Noclipper
Email: in TGQ spreadsheet.
Tags Normal, Sad.
Synopsis: With several of his own solo adventures behind him, Spike faces a daunting challenge, to save Rarity's life from fading away. Willing to
sacrifice friendship and his own lifespan, he turns to dark
dragon magic to plead with Death itself.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_j8cQaHWgc8BSJKFroytrjCb-zDvwnCs7AT91N4eV3Q/edit

EQD prereader said:
Here you go!
Hi, and thanks for submitting to Equestria Daily. I'll be looking at your fic today and pointing out the errors below.
1) Death's speech should have quotations.
2) Minor spelling errors.
3) Minor grammatical errors.
That's it. How to fix them?
1) Add quotations.
2) Edit pass.
3) Edit pass.
This story is good to go, but you should still fix this minor errors.
Pre-reader A1X3

Fix it up and it's good!


On point one, which was intentional (I plan to go through and add [smcap] to that text to match Discworld's death, once Knighty enables that piece of bbcode on fimfic.

I did yet another edit pass on it, and I think I caught the lot, but I'd like another proofreader to go through it. Public comments are enabled, anyone can just highlight things of interest and right click to tack on a comment.
>> No. 86967
File 133017042692.png - (177.64KB , 3320x2600 , I shouldn\'t want to see this, but HELL YEAH.png )
I'm gonna learn a few new words today, at least that is what my gut tells me...
>> No. 86975
Actually, he finished reviewing my fic.
Also, I acknowledged review.
>> No. 86980
File 133018605487.jpg - (34.52KB , 482x647 , 18883b53-c001-46a1-a9c0-b7c465415215.jpg )
Yes, that does the trick. I'll try to get around to it soon, but alas, I had about five hours of sleep before having to go outside and shovel a good foot of snow with a recently-broken arm. Fun times.
>> No. 86984
File 133018736508.png - (183.37KB , 3320x2600 , Claim.png )

Title: Neo-Equestria
Author: herpyderpy
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Tragedy] [Dark] [Adventure] [Alternative Universe]

Let's see what we have here
>> No. 86999
I know you asked for chapter 3, but since I was going to have to read chapter 1 and 2 anyway to get a feel for the story and your writing habits, I went ahead and reviewed them too.

I couldn't find that many mistakes in chapters 1 and 2, but here's what I did find. I did notice that you either have a big vocabulary though. Anyhoo, here we go!

Review mostly done in-doc, few comments regarding Chapters one and two are listed here.

Something I've noticed is that you like to begin actions. Many of your sentences involve "to be" and "to begin verbing," which is passive voice. Chapter Three has a bit of a Lavender Unicorn Syndrome problem as well. Besides that, there were a few things here and there regarding commas and words that were split that should be put together. Not much though, so congratulations. :D

<b>Chapter One:</b>

>This was it. After a full day of flight, a near deadly encounter with a manticore, and a rough night spent in a musty cave, Dash was finally in my sights.

Aww, this would have been fun to read about.

>I crept my way through it brushing into all types of thorny vines and tall grasses.

comma between "through it" and "brushing"

>Every now and then, my paws would slosh into hidden mud patches, indistinguishable from the marshy land all around me.

For some reason, paws reminds me of other kinds of animals besides griffons. Instead, what about claws or talons?

>Cursing for the fifth time this happened, I shook the muck out and continued towards the edge of the forest.

Was it just her claw that fell into the marsh or her entire body? I'm curious if she shook herself like a dog or something.

>The full brightness of the morning sun began to permeate the thinning edges of the forest, making my position more conspicuous.

"making my position more conspicuous" is an odd phrasing. According to the definition, conspicuous means "to stand out, clearly visible, or attract attention." Was this intentional?

>Dash was close now, only a stones throw away beyond the muggy woodland.

stone's throw

>I stopped short of the parting copse to settle into a shabby bush.

Copse is such an uncommon word that it will cause every reader to go "what." I thought it was a typo at first but it's an actual word. Although it does mean "group of trees," its uncommon use kinda brought me out of the story. But that's just a minor nitpick.

>Why I bet those dweebs are yucking it up right now about that one day.

comma between "why" and "I"

>Why I oughta go over there and beat the living day lights out of …

comma between "why" and "I." Also, your ellipse shouldn't have a space before it. It's also a good idea to keep ellipses out of narrative. They're acceptable in dialogue though.

>I could not let it happen again, not like that one day …

Remove the space before the ellipse.

>Okay, just shut up, don’t psyche yourself out of it.

Consider omitting "of it."

>Number one, a present for Dash.
This entire paragraph looks formatted awkwardly, consider putting a space between each line to slow down the pace a little.

>Number three, keeping you’re cool and not being a jerk this time around.


>having the time of their lives
What makes her think this? Were they laughing and playing around? In what way? I want to see pictures!

>Wait! They’re not dorky!

Italicize this since they're thoughts.

>how could Dash become such a … a flipflop!

delete the space before ellipse.

>Alright this is seriously starting to piss me off, my inner voice flared.

Alright, this

>In my sudden rage, the yelling in my mind turned into a full blown eagle screech.

Move this line up to match with the sound.

>Oh dude did they notice?

comma between "dude" and "did"

>Maybe they are on their way over to find me out.

Consider changing "they are" into "they're"

>Okay okay okay,

consider putting commas between these. Repeated words have commas between them.

>I froze on the spot, trying to keep absolutely still.

Redundant. That means the exact same thing, consider deleting "trying to keep absolutely still."

>confront a fli- … friend

delete the ellipse. Also, if the word she was going to say was friend, shouldn't it be fri-friend? Unless she was going to say something else before she said friend.

>I could still spot Dash and her <b>friends</b> leaving the field.
Try not to use bold or all caps in writing, it makes the writer look amateurish. For this instance, italicize it instead.

>mounting to the surface

rising to the surface

>My claws swatted at the package as my arms sprang upwards with it in my tearing grasp.

That's an awkward sounding sentence. Kinda confusing as it sounds like her claws do two actions at the same time.

>This is a nightmare…or a second chance.

Ellipse in narrative again, plus ellipses have a space after them.

>“Oh n-n-o, I c-c-can’t h-hold it in!” she exclaimed in panic

I admit, I thought of something else entirely when I read this line.

<b>Chapter Two:</b>

>If death was to come, I would run to it rather than from it.

That kinda sounds awkward.

Also, I find it funny that Gilda prefers to run towards death but when it comes to confronting Dash, she chickens out. That's a good characterization. :D

>Half a kilometer now, she’ll know …What the heck is touching me!?

No space before the ellipse, plus it's in narrative again. Some people also argue about interrobangs and whether or not it matters if the question mark goes first. Since I have no idea, I'll just leave it alone.

Unrelated, but the last line made me immediately think of Achmed the Dead Terrorist (Jeff Dunham's puppet).

>Never crash going over 300 kilometers per hour.

Spell out the numbers.

>sensory nerves complaining all the aches in my body
complaining about all

>Cupcakes …Pinkie …party …DASH!

The space goes after the ellipses, not before. Plus lowercase the "Dash."

>My back felt <b>curved</b>, setting me off balance.

italicize "curved" instead of bold

>“Oh my g-sh, nurse c--- quic---!” “Twi-----, lift her w--- your m---- gently. S-- is in ------- condition, do it s-----.”

Ellipses can represent missing words in dialogue, so use that instead of the dash.

>Don’t look down, for the love of God, DON’T LOOK DOWN!

Lower-case "Don't look down!" It's better to show reactions through body language and actions instead of all caps.


Lower-case this. It's better to show reactions through body language and actions instead of all caps.

Alrighty then, that's the end of the interview. Like I said, I didn't find that much. One last note is that the first chapter sounded more like Gilda was telling the story to someone else since some of the events were summaries and sounded more telling than showing. Sometimes the word choices sounded a bit funny considering Gilda was talking as well. I'm not sure if it was intentionally written to sound like that, but I just assumed it was so I left it alone.

That being said, I did enjoy reading the story. I apologize for not finding that much. Hope I helped, even if only a little bit. Keep up the hard work!
>> No. 87003
Sounds like this won't require too much editing, and best not to leave EqD hanging on too long, so I'll grab it.
>> No. 87021
File 133020230905.png - (567.51KB , 860x1056 , spikesmirk.png )


Took me quite some time to finish it, but I hope 400+ comments and other notes are worth the wait. Sorry again for taking so long.
>> No. 87032
Well, Thank You for taking the time to review my fan fiction, and I hope your arm heals soon.
>> No. 87054
File 133021580167.png - (251.50KB , 600x700 , 1.png )
"Something I've noticed is that you like to begin actions. Many of your sentences involve "to be" and "to begin verbing," which is passive voice."
-Do you think that makes the story weaker? I wasn't aware of that when I made my chapters.

"Aww, this would have been fun to read about."
-I was going to reference that part in a later chapter - probably in chapter four.

"For some reason, paws reminds me of other kinds of animals besides griffons. Instead, what about claws or talons?"
-I was trying to refer to her foot pads on her hind feet. I'll consider the change.

"Was it just her claw that fell into the marsh or her entire body? I'm curious if she shook herself like a dog or something."
-In my mind, she was just shaking her foot to get the mud off.

" "making my position more conspicuous" is an odd phrasing. According to the definition, conspicuous means "to stand out, clearly visible, or attract attention." Was this intentional?"
-Yes. Since she is trying to sneak up on Dash, she has to stay out of sight. That is why in the next paragraph I have her stalking amongst the underbrush to avoid detection. I even tell why she couldn't fly through the treetops.

"comma between "why" and "I." Also, your ellipse shouldn't have a space before it. It's also a good idea to keep ellipses out of narrative. They're acceptable in dialogue though."
-That's good to know, but I'll probably have a few exceptions to that rule at what I deem crucial parts to my story. However, I do agree it shouldn't be here.

"This entire paragraph looks formatted awkwardly, consider putting a space between each line to slow down the pace a little."
-This part was the result of sloppiness on my part when first constructing the story. It's not horrible, yet it isn't too polished either.

"What makes her think this? Were they laughing and playing around? In what way? I want to see pictures!"
-I told that she saw AJ and RD playing with a ball, and then there was this part:
"Four other ponies sat in the warm sunlight on top of the blanket sharing sandwiches, drinks, and a few jokes by the look of their smiles."

"delete the ellipse. Also, if the word she was going to say was friend, shouldn't it be fri-friend? Unless she was going to say something else before she said friend."
-She was about to say 'flip-flop' yet stopped before she actually did. I should change that to 'flip-fl...'

"Try not to use bold or all caps in writing, it makes the writer look amateurish. For this instance, italicize it instead."
-For every time I used bold, it was because I did not want to confuse readers on a particularly stressed word. My italics where all going to onomatopoeia's and Gilda's thoughts. I'm not sure if I'll change it.

"That's an awkward sounding sentence. Kinda confusing as it sounds like her claws do two actions at the same time."
-I'll get rid of the 'as' transition to make sure the claw action happens first, then the arms spring upwards.

"Unrelated, but the last line made me immediately think of Achmed the Dead Terrorist (Jeff Dunham's puppet)."

"Ellipses can represent missing words in dialogue, so use that instead of the dash."
-I felt that dashes would work on with the reader guessing what the words were.

"Alrighty then, that's the end of the interview. Like I said, I didn't find that much. One last note is that the first chapter sounded more like Gilda was telling the story to someone else since some of the events were summaries and sounded more telling than showing. Sometimes the word choices sounded a bit funny considering Gilda was talking as well. I'm not sure if it was intentionally written to sound like that, but I just assumed it was so I left it alone.

That being said, I did enjoy reading the story. I apologize for not finding that much. Hope I helped, even if only a little bit. Keep up the hard work!"

-I really worried about some of my word choices when writing this story because of Gilda's rough nature from the show. As you pointed out, the word copse isn't exactly being used a whole lot for most people, and Gilda saying that (which she kind of is since its a first person story) can be hard to sell. Yet I didn't want to stifle my word usage to describe a powerful and personal story. I don't have much experience with creating stories, so those rules about "lavendar syndrome" and the other things you pointed out was unknown to me. Thanks for the help. I'll respond to the chapter 3 comments in a little bit.
>> No. 87057
File 133021834463.png - (52.99KB , 894x894 , pleased pinkie.png )
Okay, I responded to the comments made in chapter three. Feel free to take a look and respond.

Thanks for taking the time to offer feedback on the past two chapters ^_^
>> No. 87058
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Alright, you published your GDoc, so no line-by-line for you. Instead, you get my standard review. (Not that I do much line-by-line anyway.)
Technical problems first, shall we?

>OK, where do I begin?
It is customary to use Okay, instead of OK.
We try to use spelt out words instead of numbers in our narrative. Eg, hundred percent instead of 100%. The only time you use numbers is during dialogue or very large numbers that would be cumbersome to spell out.

Tenses. You have this tendency to shift tenses throughout the fic. Your second sentence already does this.
>Here I am...
>maybe even thousands of ponies that are dressed up in the best gowns and suits money could buy continue to gather around the stage admiring all three of us.
Pick a tense and stick to it. For obvious reasons, I recommend using past tense instead.

Elipses abuse.
> control.....................sad isn't it?
If you're using elipses, only three periods are necessary. Eg, the above can be easily shortened to
>control... sad isn't it?

For various reasons, multiple exclaimation marks are frowned upon. Even "?!" is discouraged by some reviewers, though I personally do not mind it.
>“Please rise.,” Princess Luna commanded in a soothing voice.
Obviously, you only use a comma here,
>“Neither did I,” I answered, “you
I filed this under here because dialogue punctuation is always a major problem for authors. In this case, you're supposed to capitalise the You, being a new sentence and all.

Odd word choices.
>suites of polish, silver armor
I need not tell you that suites and suits are two different nouns and mean two different things.
>It was armor that shined
Personally, I would have used the word, shone. Or as some of my reviewers suggested, gleamed.
>important structural building
structural here seems superfluous. You could have dropped the adjective and it would mean the same.

You patently avoided the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome aka LUS for most part, though I still see shades of this here and there.

Now, moving on to the story.
Show vs tell.
You still have a very large problem with this, insofar as I can tell. (Heh, tell.)
Let's start with your second sentence.
>Here I am standing at the right side of a huge stage in the ballroom of the most famous and important structural building in all of Canterlot, hay in all of Equestria!
Here, you're telling us that it is the most important and famous building. How? What does it look like? Instead of telling us it is important, why don't you make an attempt to describe it. A hasty on-the-spot example.
>Here I was, standing at the massive doors that dominated the entrance to this gracefully scuplted building. Huge banners displaying the royal standard hung proudly on either side of the doors. And just beyond? The grand ballroom awaited. Massive carpets made of the finest Purrsian silk was laid on the floor, the magnificient glass windows opening out to the exquisite royal gardens below. At the centre, was a statue of Princess Celesia, towering regally before the crowd that was filtering into the room.

In my belated attempt at rewriting, I have not mentioned on how famous or important it was. Instead, it is left to the readers to infer from the description that a) it is big, b) it is famous and c) it is important.

Of course, not everything needs to be show, else your prose will get bogged down in purple needlessly. But it is a good thing to sometimes show what something is done and let the readers figure out the meaning behind it.
Some other example of blatant tells:
>There was an expression on his face, 100% similar to the ones we always see on the royal guard’s face while on duty.
>He was in a attack stance

You also have this habit of infodumping all your character's description into one sentence. Or occasionally, one paragraph. While this is an expedient way to quickly get past the initial introduction, it does not help me remember your OC. Most of the time, I find myself having to refer to see who's the earth pony and who's what. What I would recommend here instead is to weave the description into the narrative.

I don't know about you, but it should be noted that a crossover gets very minimal attention at the best of times. What more, you're writing a crossover for the Out in the Cold series by EsperDerek, which is pretty obscure by now. (I know, it used to be the end-all-be-all Twixie shipfic. But that was before Past Sins. Ironically, Nyx is more well-known than Midnight now.) What is not clear here is where you want to take this story. If you seriously intend to ship your OC with Midnight, I suggest you read the sequel to this story before continuing on.

I have yet to ask EsperDerek on how he feels about you writing a shipping fic with Midnight though. I'll try to get back to you on that one.

Right, where were we? Oh yes, story. As I said, I have no idea where you're taking this story. It seriously seems out of character for the Princess, either of them, to take a handful of rookies off the Academy and place them straight into Luna's Night Guard. Not only that, it comes off as a clumsy attempt for your OC ponies to get close to Midnight and start shipping them. I'm sorry, if you want to get this to fly, you need to find a better reason.

So. We have a jock earth pony, the smartass pegasus and of course, the moe unicorn. Unfortunately, your three OCs fall into these stereotype too easily, making them generic and easily forgettable.

I have seen nothing as of yet to make them stand out from the swarm of OCs that had infested this fandom like say... Midnight. Don't get me wrong, it's good you didn't make them some super special snowflake that has mysterious magical super powers from a fallen god. (Though them being chosen for Royal Guards is quite Sue material right there.), but you have yet to give me reason to care for them. Remember, always ask yourself this question. How do I get the readers to root for my OC?

Speaking of which, I feel you made Celestia hold the idiot ball... *sigh* yet again. There is really no reason for her to tolerate such sloppy mistakes by a rookie she appointed for her sister. Nor is there reason for her to pick these three of all the candidates in the academy.
Also, this made me crack up:
>she looked beautiful for being around for so long.

I have not seen enough of Midnight or Luna to see your characterisation of them.

So. tl;dr? Generic crossover shipping story with obscure fic. Would need some heavy editting before this is even technically acceptable, much less fit for Equestria Daily.
>> No. 87059

Left a few comments in your chapter three doc. Also, here's a nice tidbit for you.

Here's a copy-paste from a reviewer called Vanner who can explain it much better than me about passive voice.

Passive voice occurs when using any form of "to be" or "to have" and another verb. Passive voice takes away the action from the subject of the sentence , and acts as a tell instead of a show. It's a sign of lazy writing, and weakens the flow of the piece do to imprecise writing.


Anyhoo, your story is very interesting thus far. Keep up the good work and don't forget:

Never give up, never surrender!
>> No. 87060
>“Neither did I,” I answered, “you
I filed this under here because dialogue punctuation is always a major problem for authors. In this case, you're supposed to capitalise the You, being a new sentence and all.

Incorrect, there is no new sentence as the first section of dialogue ends with a comma and then continues on from a comma, making both of those dialogues be part of a single sentence.

Thank you, have a good day.
>> No. 87061
So for a clarification, both options could be correct depending very much on the rest of the line, right?

Case 1:
"Neither did I,” I answered, “you know."

Case 2:
Neither did I,” I answered. "You should have known that!"

... Right?

Also, re: >>87059 ... the passive voice has a place where distance is desired. In dialog, one might use the passive voice to intentionally disconnect an actor from an action in such matters as dodging blame and such. e.g.: "You've already done enough damage..." versus "Enough damage has been done..." ... right?

I'm a mathematician, not a writer, so I could be wrong. . . I guess it's good to risk finding out I'm wrong than risk staying wrong, though.
>> No. 87064
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>Incorrect, there is no new sentence as the first section of dialogue ends with a comma and then continues on from a comma, making both of those dialogues be part of a single sentence.

Warning: technical information and semantics inbound.

The example sentence chosen is improperly punctuated because the author is using a comma after a speech verb which completes a thought. The proper punctuation for this sort of situation would be a period, otherwise a comma splice is created by joining two independent clauses. Grif is technically right that the "you" should be capitalized because it is a separate sentence, he but forgot to include that the speech tag would need to be capped off with a period to prevent a comma splice.

i.e. "Neither do I," being a complete thought, needs to have the sentence end with period after the speech tag.

Meaning the sentence properly punctuated would be:

>“Neither did I,” I answered. “You

There is, of course, the notion that run-on sentences are somewhat acceptable within dialogue to preserve the natural flow of speech, but when the speech is split with a tag, the flow is cut off, therefore negating any sort pandering to actual human cadence. In other words, the issue is nonnegotiable with speech tags.

I appreciate you attempting to fact-check our reviewers, however.


>So for a clarification, both options could be correct depending very much on the rest of the line, right?

>Case 1:
>"Neither did I,” I answered, “you know."

If this instance were the case, the speech tag would need to be placed after the phrase in order to preserve the flow of dialogue. The tag has no business separating the independent clause from its dependent clause. Having the thought broken up would also make the sentence harder to read.
>> No. 87065
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As a foreword, this is merely a review of the story. It is not a personal attack against the author.
I don't hate you. Just your story.
Well, maybe I hate you just a tiny bit for making a story I hate, but that's water under the bridge.
Let's get this over with.

>I live my life, one day at a time.
Kicking off with an unnecessary comma, eh? This should be fun.

>eat breakfast if I can
Ah, yes, eating breakfast. Quite the difficult feat to accomplish, yes?

>Work, oh work, exciting as a tortoise marathon.
Much like this story, yes?
A good simile marred by flubbed execution. Strangely enough, I found myself reading it in Shakespear-style Thesbian, which would've be impressive if it wasn't completely wrong for your story's tone.

The beginning of your story is reading like a particularly uninspired shopping list. More specifically, a shopping list that states only discount brands should be bought.

>pulled the silk boa constrictor from around my neck
I think you're making a metaphor for a scarf, but it isn't really working. Again, a good idea, but poor execution.

You're missing conjunctions on a regular basis. Are you not a native English speaker/writer?

>Describe booting up a video game
>Modern Warfare 2
First of all, you choose the infinitely inferior Cock of Doody series over the magnificence of Battlefield, then don't even have the good grace to at least use the original Modern Warfare? For shame.
Also, that was as boring as hell. The reader (read: me) really isn't interested in you opening up the Home menu and pressing buttons.

Oh, for the love of...
I could not possibly care less about how quickly you make it through the Training Pit (which, by the way, should have been capitalized).

>I turned my self toward the computer and did the one thing that made life still worth living, watching My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.
I... I am facepalming right now.
Just... no. This is so melodramatic it hurts. If this is what your entire life actually revolves around right now, I highly advise you seek psychiatric help. I am not trying to be funny or mean. I am dead serious. Basing your life around something as fleeting as a TV show can only end badly.
I mean, look at Jersey Shore (okay, so I wasn't being serious there, but still, my point stands).

So... let me get this straight. The story you're writing is going to be shown to other members of the fandom, right? So, why do you feel that it's necessary to spend two paragraphs telling them everything they already know about the fanbase and why the show is so great?

Argh, I can't read any further. I went into skim mode for the next two chapters, yet the plot didn't make itself apparent in either of them. I know I have an intimidating presence, but having the plot itself hide from me? That's a new one.

From what I can tell, all you've done is taken the original story and are on your way to dragging out its existence well beyond the expiration date. There wasn't a single redeeming feature that I could see, nevermind the fact that it's just the uncut version of MLD. Not only would I not read this, but I would actively discourage others from doing so, if only to (and here's the kicker) protect this from tainting their views on the original.

You have a long ways to go, Mr. Boxedsurprise, and it is all uphill from here. I advise you shelf your writing endeavours for the forseeable future and instead focus on improving your mechanics and style, should you truly wish to become a writer at some point. Of course, there is little I can do to stop you from writing more, should you wish to do so, but know that it would not be in your best interests.

Have a pleasent day.
>> No. 87068
Both cases are right.

He failed to mention a period, said it had to be capitalize and now you offering sentences which didn't appear.

You are right in that explanation, but that anon is right to call him on that, as his correction was only a very wrong capitalization. Had he mentioned a period there wouldn't be anything to talk about, right now you are defending the indefensible.

You are reviewers, you go and tells what is right from wrong in stories. Now, that means we get to do that too.
>> No. 87075
>You are reviewers, you go and tells what is right from wrong in stories. Now, that means we get to do that too.

Who is we? I'm not sure why you want to perpetuate a "us vs. them" sort of attitude, but whatever. Anyone can be a reviewer if they want to. It's not some slang to throw around like it's a clique or a secret group. Believe or not, reviewers are able to make mistakes especially since it took me three tries before I wrote this post right , due to being free labors who don't claim to be professionals and therefore have to work with limited knowledge about the complexities of grammar (with a few exceptions), and the author has a responsibility and right to call them out on it.

I did, however, take the liberty to look at the sentence in the full context before posting.

>“Neither did I,” I answered, “you know I’m not that good with magic, Heavy.

This is the entire phrase. All things considered, the sentence should have a capitalized "you." That is why I said Grif is technically correct, because the sentence is indeed improperly punctuated, and also in need of a capitalized you. Notice, however, I did not say that he is entirely correct, because he's not. The important part to mention is that the tag should have a period at its end, and that's the part he missed.

I am defending no one, simply what is correct.

Neither the anon, nor Grif is entirely correct. The anon would be correct in his critique were the rest of the speech a dependent clause. But it's not, so the anon is wrong. Grif is wrong because the capitalization is unwarranted without the period.
>> No. 87076
Seems like he's tryoing to pick a fight.
>> No. 87077

I think I see what you mean. The way it exists,

>“Neither did I,” I answered, “you know I’m not that good with magic, Heavy."

It just doesn't seem to have a reason for existing the way it does like that, and you offer the correct syntax for it to remain semantically the same sentence.

The only thing I could possible think of to redeem it from a syntax perspective would be to make the interjection more than a speech tag, such as an action made during the middle of a dialog.

>I considered the question carefully before replying. This was not going to be good news.
>“Neither did I...” I answered, reaching for my inner jacket pocket and fumbling for my sunglasses, “you know I’m not that good with magic, Heavy." I put them on with a feeling of satisfaction, hoping to redeem my failure in looking smart by at least looking cool. My heart sank a little when I noticed they were upside-down and I had just accidentally pelted my best chance of getting out of this alive with a salvo of deadly ellipses.

Even so, that leaves the realm of your correct observation and explores other, correct alternatives to solve the problem you properly identify.

It's a case of grammar, once corrected, leaving options open for style.

Lest I derail this purposeful thread any further, though, I'll take advantage of a post to ask a question: this is the thread referenced in the HowTo for claiming reviews of queue items, yes?
>> No. 87078
Indeed. I am grateful for the correction, simply because it shows me something new to learn. I do not claim any superior proficiency in technical English.

tl;dr Why are we even arguing about this?
>> No. 87080
> I'm not sure why you want to perpetuate a "us vs. them" sort of attitude, but whatever.

Hmm, you are right, that wrong of me. I suppose this was simply a slip from you:
>I appreciate you attempting to fact-check our reviewers, however.

Of course, I suppose the possessive our, as thought you were an organization, must be just in my mind. Also, the attemting is a nice touch, it shows a complete non-dismissive attitude about his silly mistake. Oh, about his mistake:

>“Neither did I,” I answered, “you

I can only presume the way he presented must have told is that he meant for there to be a period, and it was even needed. Of course this is not the case, you make corrections and point out mistakes in what is presented, not what might have been there, or maybe not. Still, its nice he attempted to correct and not read beyond what was presented right?
>> No. 87081

What the heck, let's go for a ride.

I lay claim to Cloud 9. I shall review it anon.
>> No. 87096
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Please, if you must insist on tackling the Almighty Reviewer Aristocracy of Secrecy, Superiority, and Everything Sucks, (ARASSES, or AR-ASSES, if you prefer), I would appreciate it if you would at least sage your discussion.

That's enough sarcasm out of me. To be serious:

Reviewers aren't above criticism, we aren't perfect. If we make a mistake, we will/should own up to it and learn from it - heck, we do try and correct each other whenever we get the chance. I appreciate that you decided to pitch in and help - that's good. Can we move on, past the fact that a mistake was made, and just learn from it?

Thanks, that would be great.

Seriously, please sage all off-topic posts... TTG threads have a terribly short lifespan, and we do our best to make them last.
>> No. 87108
Cloud Nine
by Professor Toast
Reviewed by Psimon


I use the same rubric for reviewing stories as I do IRL for reviewing papers. You can see it at http://pastebin.com/Bu7CgHPq

Ideas and Content: 10/10
The premise of the story is clear on your fimfiction story page, and you deliver what you promise. You seem to be writing what you know. On that note, more than a few lines came straight out of my own past; the scenarios and dialogs inside them are believable, and this helps sell your story successfully to the point where it is possible to overlook some of the other shortcomings. Personally, I'm betting on Fluttershy being more hip to the jive than the other characters examined so far, but that's just my speculation. Either way, you've created a story with plot, conflict, and the promise of forward movement. Good job. Even if it isn't my cup of tea, I can still see that it is well-brewed.

Organization: 6/10
Details seem to fit where they're placed, even if some adjectives feel a bit cheap and the sensual euphemisms a bit obvious. There is a disjointed sense of transition from scene to scene which leaves opportunity for more artistic liberty: said differently, this story fades to black more often than it should. The last chapter, in particular, has a rushed, confused feeling when describing the CMC's positioning; this is likely where you were found to tell rather than show. There's a time lapse in the story, if I understood it correctly, where you go into the past to redescribe from the CMC's perspective. You could probably go back-and-forth from CMC to Mane-6 to flesh out the chapter, provide better dialog opportunities, and create a more steady build of that feeling of tension you're aiming for.
Again, there is a lot of potential for development in terms of organization. I don't use the show/tell divide that most folks seem to; I focus more on coherence and cohesion from the perspective of a story as an argument. If this were a record, there would be some moments where we have skips in the playback, particularly in the asterisks... that might be your style, but that's what I sense creates the distance that's being called "telling" by your pre-reader... or at least, a good spot for you to shore up against such a claim.
This story knows where it is going and what it is doing. The writing is natural and compelling, the use of imagery and dialog when appropriate and necessary is evident. However, some adjectives appear formulaic (notably, colors) and there are rare moments where the reader is not exactly sure what is meant to be implied versus left to our own inference. During some of the ... racier scenes ... I was scared about just how far the envelope would be pushed. I, personally, would use more flowery language than flank-spanking, but then, a lot of people like Anne Rice for doing just the opposite. My opinion, your story, your call.

Final score: B

I would make many changes to this story, but that owes more to our different voices than anything else. I attempted to mark up the document for you, but really, I just wound up turning it into my own words instead of yours. The errors mentioned by your pre-reader likely refer to some less-than-smoother phrasing and a couple words that just jarred me. For specific example, see the phrase "moaned Rarity," which doesn't seem to be the exact word you're looking for -- try "groaned" instead?

My recommendation for technical improvement:
Get a program that can do text-to-speech and give your story to it. Follow along as it reads, listening to its voice. This will help you keep a constant pace and attention span that will help some errors and odd sentences stick out and give you enough of a different perspective to identify where things aren't as smooth as you may feel when reading it to yourself silently.

My recommendation for creative improvement:
You definitely give each pony their voice, but there are a number of lines (particularly from Rainbow Dash) where I hear the voice of an ex-girlfriend and not a pony. Particularly during the "I've been hurt before" dialog, it just doesn't feel like RD... and I can't exactly tell you how to fix it, other than recommending you watch "Read it and Weep" with the intent of focusing on how Rainbow goes about expressing ranges of emotion comparable to those in your story. I don't know how I would do it.
This is a heavy dialog story. You use speech tags, but I wonder if you could find more to do by intersprinkling some of the dialog with action, thought, or otherwise? Again, on that show-tell bit, including details as to HOW people say things is often a great addition to telling us WHAT is uttered. See: http://lasd.k12.pa.us/teachers/purnellj/saidisdead.html

Thanks for the story. Was fun and easy to read. Hope the review gives you something close to what you were looking for.
>> No. 87114
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>400 posts is auto-sage. The number of bumps has nothing to do with it. Nevertheless, a bump is only warranted if one is adding a review, to make it immediately visible.
I dare say a point was just proven about reviewers correcting reviewers... well, to make a gesture of good faith, I was entirely unaware that it was measured in terms of posts - I had always assumed it was 400 bumps in particular. Thanks for the tidbit, Dem. The more you know!

So as not to be a hypocrite, I'll dual-purpose this post and claim:
Drop of Chaos - Warning, this won't be too expedient, but I will get to it "soon" never-the-less.
>> No. 87115

So, I was kinda in a hurry when I made the post originally, and I felt after... 6 days, I should probably add something stating what I want from a review.

First of all, this has been like, the sixth time I've reworked or proofread or changed anything related to this story. As such, I'd like to know if there's any remaining syntax, grammar, or formatting errors. Hopefully they should be gone. I'd also like to know if the first chapter is doing its job of keeping someone reading, and if the information I'm letting out is enough for some people to draw conclusions, but for others to not feel like they're being kept unaware of the plot at all.

Finally, well, just your honest opinions really. Good luck to whoever picks it up.
>> No. 87122
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Guess I'll take this then. Sunseekers. And sci-fi eh?

This should be interesting.
>> No. 87123
All great points.

The unnecessary comma; perhaps it is, I simply left that line alone because it is the first line of the original (although I'm not quite sure how well the original was reviewed, couldn't find a constructive review on it).

The character (as I assume you're addressing) oversleeps a lot and barely has time to eat breakfast, not exactly have "difficulty" eating breakfast.

Yeah, tortoise marathon, I agree that is a weak simile and I'll look for a better one (or remove it completely).

Same with the "silk boa constrictor", simply stating necktie seemed plain.

English is my native language, I will be honest that I learned a lot more on English composition from fan-fiction guides such as those by Cereal Velocity than in my previous school years (not to say I don't appreciate my past teachers' efforts. I was very good in all my subjects, but very amateur in comparison to schools overseas).
tl;dr - English is my native language, I just wasn't very well taught in it.

I won't defend the ModernWarfare series (the WWII series are the ones I appreciate) as it did (in my opinion) decline in quality.

Again I hope you're addressing the character, but pointing out that he needs help also leads to from what I gather, more background; something more in what he does in his everyday life other than ponies. I'm not sure to what extent of the character's obsession with series is that the original author intended, I wrote it in a way so that it was "one of those things" that cheers him up.

Jersey Shore, one of those mainland American things I'm not familiar with. I assume it isn't a "quality" show, but this isn't really important in pertaining to this response.

Ah, if you mean the explanation of the fandom of itself, I placed that there for those unfamiliar (I thought about whether or not non-Bronies would read this, but thinking about it again, I guess it is unnecessary considering the limited scope of the audience).

It is an incomplete story. I'm guessing that the plot should already be apparent in any adequate story, I wouldn't know, but if it should be I'll work on it.

I'm used to intimidating figures.

An uncut version of MLD, yes that would be an accurate description of what this is. From other reviewers of the original story, the most common complaint was the lack of character development for the main characters (this review in particular: http://ponysquare.com/blog/1219/bumrush-review-of-quot-my-little-dashie-quot/). The rewrite was supposed to not only give something as a basis for a script (hence why I haven't shouted out on a megaphone about the film to everyone yet), but also fill in the flaws of the original. Being written in a different format and also improperly drafted so far, it will be difficult and I didn't expect any less.

I came here for constructive criticism, and you Mr. Ion-Sturm have given that. I appreciate it. I'm well aware of the fan-base surrounding the original My Little Dashie, which is why I wanted to produce a film that is as faithful to the story as possible in terms of effect and general story. Can't make a film without a script, and can't make a script without something to base it on, and if the foundation of a project is weak, then so is the entire project.

I do plan to continue writing this story as so far I've learned quite an amount in doing so. I'll take your advice and study a little more into English construction, as it is obvious that doing so is overdue.

I hope I haven't wasted your time sir.

- R/BoxedSurprise
>> No. 87124
P.S. Retract what I said about "not finding a constructive review", I just noticed I listed one later on in the reply.
>> No. 87127
Okay first off - good on ya to go for a thorough review rather than just have a friend try and weed out the last few things the pre-reader noted and call it good enough. I'm going to assume you want to make this story as good as it can be.

Okay, to the review.

Detailed comments in doc.

General observations in stream-of-consciousness mode:
- There are a LOT of comma splices and repetitive words/phrases. That's the majority of the problem with this fic.
- Look for areas to improve showing over telling. I've marked a couple of the more important ones. There are good descriptions of mood and emotional states, but I need to be able to picture it through body language, facial expressions, and reactions to dialogue.
- The scene setting was spectacular in the opening, but falls off afterward. That's somewhat inevitable, since the first scene is so unusual, but try to be a little more descriptive. For example, all I know about Rarity's hospital room is that it has a bed.
- No problems with characterizations. All are spot-on.
- There are a few issues with capitalization when coming out of a quote that ended in a question mark or exclamation point.
- The plot is eerily similar to elements from 2 of my fics. Interesting. I guess that's why it sounded good to review.
- The plot was enjoyable, and I'm always torn about whether to take the happy or sad ending in such scenarios. I like your choice here.
- I was so convinced that Rarity was going to die that I didn't catch the tension of the climax and had to go back over it. It's drawn out nicely to keep the tension level high, but I'd like to see s little more of an emotional punch when Rarity finally breaks into tears. Linger on that private moment between Spike and Rarity. It was over too quickly, when Twilight brought some other ponies into the room.

Your writing style is quite good overall. Just watch the show vs tell and comma splices. I enjoyed reading this story. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 87131
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I said the tortise marathon was a good simile, but your awkward phrasing rendered it defunct.

Saying "silk boa constrictor" is fine, but it must be clear to the reader what it is you're talking about. Without something to compare it to, the reader is left to assume you mean that literally.

Where, exactly, do you live?
Those guides are more for people who already have a grasp on English prose.If you are no longer recieving schooling on it, then your best course is to read real, published books and absorb their rules via osmosis (figuratively speaking). Might I suggest Peter F. Hamilton?

I wasn't sure if this was a rewrite or a re-imagining, and guessed it was the latter. Seeing as how it appears to be a self-insert, I assumed you were putting your own thoughts into the story.

In order to hook the reader, you must establish a conflict early on, whteher it be Man Vs. Man, Enviroment, Nature or whatever else you can imagine. What you currently have is two-and-a-half chapters and several thousand words of your character bemoaning his fate and generally bitching. It is not interesting, it is not developing his character, and it is not progressing the story. As much as I dislike the oh-hey-look-a-pony-in-a-box approach that the original did, at least it was over with quickly, instead of limping along like a wounded frog that was half-paralyzed.

There is a difference between developing the character and simply shoving the minutia of his day down the reader's throat. You gave the reader no new revelations on the character, only drew them out like chewing a piece of gum that lost its flavour hours ago.

If you are making a script, you are going about it the wrong way.

I wish you the best of luck on improving your trade, Mr. Boxed.
>> No. 87134
A U.S. military base in Japan. Traveled in a Pacific triangle; California > Hawaii > Japan, repeat. I am a military brat or son of a armed service member and am proud to be one.

Peter F. Hamilton, I look into it.

"Self-insert" means imparting qualities of the author into a character yes? In which case, that isn't what I'm doing, but probably would or may have already happened considering the original left me little to work with. Otherwise, I have a terrible life if that is me!

Kind of hard not to cram a character's day into someone's throat when written in a journal format, but I see your point nonetheless. I'll think of a better way to go about it.
>> No. 87136
>> No. 87137
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Just because it is written in journal format doesn't mean you need to put each and every journal entry in. This is besides the fact that it doesn't really read like journal entries at all.

For an excellent example of writing a story in the form of journal entries, read Simply Rarity ( https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qdXe1LEcR6_s3JeA4hmVoeDMUACDjjz9VbU67F8ru_k/edit?hl=en_US&pli=1 ). If you suffered from the delusion that MLD was "sad", this will set you right, then break your heart.
>> No. 87138
Eh, it was an interesting idea, albeit a stretch but the best piece that I know of it's type, the only other ones I've seen were humans in Equestria type stories.

Will finish Simply Rarity tomorrow, but read a good amount already. Composed almost entirely of Journal entries...this is a good example.
>> No. 87154
The best Journal Format story I've ever read has got to be Bram Stoker's "Dracula." The format turns into a vehicle for making the story interesting.

If you haven't read it, it's a good one. It also demonstrates 19th century English, an art form much-neglected today.

Get it free at http://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/345
>> No. 87158
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Thank you so much for your time and your review! I think I understand now what some of the criticism was. But I just have a few questions:
Pinkie Pie throwing a party and Twilight doing research are major parts of their characters. I'm not sure if it's "cliche" to have them doing things that they would most likely do in a given situation.
As for the "portal" thing... it will make more sense in Chapter 4. This is also when Megan will actually learn enough about what is going on to be able to act (since she's kind of flying blind right now).
As for Molly and Megan: they're sisters. Of course Molly recognizes her voice.
And just one more question... The reader spends most of their time in Megan's head. Why shouldn't they get some "reflection" on what she's thinking? I, for one, like having a bit of "musing" to break up the action a bit when I'm reading. I'll change it a bit and see what happens, but I feel that that would just weaken the psychological aspects of the story (which, trust me, aren't gone. She just doesn't know what to think about anything right now).
Oh, and I'm not sure why I can't just use adjectives to describe things. Especially when those are the terms that the character uses to think about things....
Eh, I'll fix it. I'm just not sure I understand some of it.
Thank you so much!
>> No. 87160
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Sorry, this took so long, this is what I have so far.

>She smiled to herself as her childhood joy invaded her.
'Invaded' sounds a little dark? Maybe try something like:
"She smiled as she found her favourite childhood memories flooding back to her."
This sentence leaves me a little let down though, since you don't tell me what the memories are! T_T

>The lens beamed with light specs that reflected on Twilight’s eye.
'Specs' is the shortened word/slang for 'spectacles'. In this case you want to say speck.
You could also try something like slithers, spots, circles, sparkles(works especially with Twilight) or you could go with some more florid words like diamonds or something.

>She gasped when her eyes beheld the beauty and the richness of the cluster. For a moment, she forgot about the Pleiades cluster to focus on the explosion of light before her.
This is fine, and it reads well, but it can be even nicer! Put yourself in the scene, imagine you're a lavemder unicorn looking up at those beautiful stars! (Okay, It's a little hard, but try anyway) Try and think of some words you'd say, how you feel, and try and put it down. If you do it right, your feelings shine through the writing; try and get those feelings across! Don't be afraid to use a thesaurus, too!
My attempt:
"She couldn't help but gasp in adoration at the beautiful family of stars. Pleiades completely left her mind as her eyes traced the bright dots suspended in the inky darkness— the Maressier 37 cluster."

>It looked like somepony set off a firework, and then froze it during the blast.
It looked like somepony had set off a firework, and then frozen it during the blast.
(Pluperfect tense http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pluperfect which refers to an event which takes place before another one. Here, the firework was set off before it was frozen, so you need a 'had'.)

>Twilight looked at it as she scribbled down how pretty it was.
You can do better than that! I know you can!
"Twilight stared a few moments longer before tearing her gaze away, pulled by her note-taking habit. She quickly scrawled a note of Maressier's beauty, decorating it with a schoolfilly's diary-style heart."

>Then she moved onto the next one.
Then, she moved onto the next one.
( Use commas after introductory a) clauses, b) phrases, or c) words that come before the main clause.)

>She rotated the telescope over to the star cluster, as she smiled to herself, resting her half closed eye against the visor.
She rotated the telescope over to the star cluster as she smiled to herself, resting her half closed eye against the visor.
(Don't put a comma between the main and subordinate clauses, naughty!)

>making the sensible mechanism creak with each turn.
I've never seen sensible used to descibe a mechanism, might want to change that unless you know it's right.

>She watched in awe how the stars beamed, like diamonds over black velvet.
Now that's more like it!

>Twilight kept observing every star in the cluster and as she let her mind wander she started scribbling on the scroll.
Twilight kept observing every star in the cluster, and as she let her mind wander she started scribbling on the scroll.
(Use commas to separate independent clauses when they are joined by any of these seven coordinating conjunctions: and, but, for, or, nor, so, yet.)
So here you have two independent clauses, 'Twilight kept observing every star in the cluster' and 'as she let her mind wander she started scribbling on the scroll' and you've linked them with the right conjunction, you just need a comma ;)

> Their bluish and white colors of the stars mixed between each other, flowing between one and the other, and their reflections passed right through her retina and into her mind.
The bluish and white colors of the stars mixed between each other, flowing between one another, and their reflections passed right through her retina and into her mind.
This okay, but the 'going into her mind' bit feels a little too pushy. Maybe:
"The stark blues and whites merged between the stars, creating beautiful streaks of dotted light that left marks on her retina." (Brings us back from the stars to earth! Leads on to the sentence after well, if I may say so myself ^^)

>Maybe I forgot how to blink,” she joked and then returned to the telescope,
Maybe I forgot how to blink,” she joked, and then returned to the telescope,
(Separate language tags such as 'she said' with a comma.)

>The tube made a clunk noise as the metal locked into place.
Since 'clunk' isn't really a word (I think?) I'd put it in inverted commas. Or put '-ed' after it.

>She didn’t want to wake up Spike so she went back to bed thinking on what she would tell the Princess, how she’ll break the news to her.
She didn’t want to wake up Spike so she went back to bed thinking about what she would tell the Princess, and how she’d break the news to her.
('on' changed to 'about', both work but 'about' is a little more conventional.)
('and' added after comma due to comma rules stated somewhere above.)
('she'll' changed to 'she'd' because you should express similar ideas in coordinate form, you use would before so you should use would again.)

>She didn’t want to sound too formal, but she didn’t want to sound too brainy either. Twilight turned to Spike, who held the letter up and started reading.
This should have its own paragraph, since it isn't anything to do with her speech. If it was something like: 'she said, wondering if she sounded too formal,' then it would be okay.

>I tried to measure the luminosity of the object, but I couldn't establish its class.
The 'but' here should be indicating a contrast. (It's called a juxtaposition) I don't know anything about astronomy, but does she need to know the object's class to measure its luminosity? Surely she can just use a light meter? (The 'but' here means that the clause coming after it is the reason why she couldn't measure its luminosity)

>“Do you think it sounds too formal Spike?”
Usually, names in direct address should be parenthetic (Between commas). Usually.
“Do you think it sounds too formal, Spike?”

>said Twilight arching an eyebrow.
Dialogue tags like 'said' need to be separated by a comma from the rest of the clause.
said Twilight, arching an eyebrow.

>“Yeah, you do that too much Twilight,” commented the baby dragon as he rolled the...
Same rules apply here.
“Yeah, you do that too much, Twilight,” commented the baby dragon, as he rolled the
(I know it looks like too many commas but it is right. I guess the name in parenthesis bit for this sentence could be argued against, just do what you feel sounds right for that.)

>a flame of green fire over it.
A flame of green fire is a little redundant. Like saying 'Derpy got drenched in wet water'. Maybe use something like 'a puff of green fire', or 'a lick of green fire', I don't know.

>“Go? Where are we going?” said Twilight.
I'd put 'asked' here, since it's a question. 'Said' is more for statements and stuff.

>Spike smiled proudly, as Twilight darted to her room to get her saddle bags.
That comma shouldn't be there. (Don't put a comma between the two verbs or verb phrases in a compound predicate.)

>“Will do Twilight!” said Spike as he imitated a military salute and resumed his duty.
“Will do Twilight!” said Spike, as he imitated a military salute and resumed his duty.

>If the storm had been there during the night, maybe nopony from the Observatory saw the object! What was it anyway?
I would put this in italics since it's Twilight's thoughts.

>She didn’t realize she was crossing the bridge to Fluttershy’s cottage, until she heard her hooves stepping on the wooden planks.
Don't put a comma after the main clause when a dependent (subordinate) clause follows it (except for cases of extreme contrast).
Incorrect (Not contrasty enough): She was late for class, because her alarm clock was broken.
Incorrect: The cat scratched at the door, while I was eating. (Also yours goes here)
Correct: She was still quite upset, although she had won the Oscar. (This comma use is correct because it is an example of extreme contrast)

>“Hey there Fluttershy!” said Twilight.
“Hey there, Fluttershy!” said Twilight.
(Also, a little note, you don't very your speech tags very much. Remember, you can use things that aren't really speech tags as speech tags, like this:
“Hey there, Fluttershy!” smiled Twilight.
'Smiled' isn't really a way of saying something, but you can still use it like this. This gives you more words to choose from to diversify your speech tags!)

>“I hope you had a good night sleep”
“I hope you had a good night's sleep”

>and started to establish cattegories.
Typo :P

>“Why did it caught you off guard?”
This should be catch. It's kind of hard to explain... past-participles and things...

>“Yeah, which is why it puzzles me,” said Twilight raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah, which is why it puzzles me,” said Twilight, raising an eyebrow.

>Did anypony else discovered it too? Or was she the only one?
Two problems.
>Did anypony else discovered it too?
'Did' should be 'had', because it needs to be pluperfect tense.
>Or was she the only one?
Is kind of a continuation of the last question, so they should really be strung together. Or with ellipses to show that these are thoughts coming to her in order.
Had anypony else discovered it too? ...Or was she the only one?
Had anypony else discovered it too, or was she the only one?

>as the lights of the day changed from clear blue and white ones, to orange and reddish.
Could be a little more smooth.
as the lights of the day changed from clear blues and whites to oranges and reds.

>“Goodnight Twilight,” said Fluttershy with a smile. “Have a good night sleep!”
“Goodnight Twilight,” said Fluttershy, with a smile. “Have a good night's sleep!”

>Twilight left Fluttershy’s cottage on a slow pace
Twilight left Fluttershy’s cottage at a slow pace

>“Did The Princess reply?” inquired Twilight.
“Did the Princess reply?” inquired Twilight.

>Owlowiscious was on his perch and he looked like he just woke up from his slumber.
Owlowiscious was on his perch and looked like he had just woken up from his slumber.

>“Bon Appetit,” said Spike with a hint of sarcasm.
“Bon Appetit,” said Spike, with a hint of sarcasm.

>“Thank you Spike,” said Twilight, with a sincere smile as she took a spoon fool.
It looks like it could be a typo... But I'm not sure. (Fool should be full)

>“Oh my Gosh, it was a nightmare,” said Twilight.
I'm actually not sure what gosh means, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, the speech tag here could be a little more interesting. Why not: 'cried Twilight'?

>“I know! Her collection rivals with Rarity’s,” said Spike as he took a sip of his drink.
“I know! Her collection rivals with Rarity’s,” said Spike, as he took a sip of his drink.
Maybe 'agreed Spike'?

>“Wha-? What do you mean?” said Twilight as she finished the rest of the soup and moved onto the second dish.
“Wha-? What do you mean?” said Twilight, as she finished the rest of the soup and moved on to the second dish.

>“Maybe your book is outdated too,” said Spike, and then added.
This kind of stops half-way through. What did he add afterwards? I'm confused.

>The coordinates left Twilight’s mouth with dead voice.
The coordinates left Twilight’s mouth with a dead voice.

>What Twilight saw burned through her retina and all the way into her mind.
Feels like you're going a little too far with this one ^^;

>Her thoughts involuntary escaped from her mouth.
Her thoughts involuntarily escaped from her mouth.

I was just wondering, I'm no astronomer, but for an object out in space to double in size and move several parsecs downwards in less than sixteen hours, what kind of speed does it need to be travelling at? And also, if it's moved down in the sky by several parsecs, doesn't that mean it won't collide with the planet, since it's on a downward trajectory? Wouldn't a planet that is going to hit stay in the same position in the sky and just get bigger? Since the lengths we're dealing with in space are so huge, surely even the slightest move downwards in the sky means that the planet will miss?

I know the whole Bellesario's Maxim thing but it still kind of bugs me. I'm probabky wrong but I thought I should put that out there anways. Other than that I have a few comments...

Sentence variation
Your longer paragraphs of description and action seem to be made up of simple statements. They are varied, but still kind of lacking. I'm not sure how to say it, but they need more. They all seem to just say something and stop, some of them with commas and others not. I would focus on simply writing longer sentences and using some other types of punctuation. Maybe some dashes and semicolons. Try to make your sentences flow into each other, and structure your paragraphs in a coherent way; they need to have one topic each. When you change topic, move to a new paragraph. Don't write thinking 'I need to write at least this much for it to look like a proper paragraph' but write just what you think. If you can't don't think there's any more to add on the topic, end the paragraph there. Don't add any unneeded fluff just to make the paragraph longer.

There were a few bits of speech which seemed a little OOC to me. For example:
>"...What’s the meaning of this!?”
>“Maybe that’s why you couldn’t identify that object.”
>“I know! Her collection rivals with Rarity’s,”
>“No, she did not,”
I'm not sure what to say about this. It's a subtle art, and I'll try to explain at least why these examples seem OOC.
#1) 'What's the meaning of this?' just sounds weird coming out of Twilight's mouth. To understand why, we need to pick apart and understand what's being said. 'What's the meaning of this?' is demanding to know the reason why something is occurring. It's the kind of thing that someone in charge of something says to demand an explanation of why something bad has happened. Twilight isn't the bossy type, and she isn't really much of the leader type either. 'What's the meaning of this?' is just too formal and also doesn't suit her personality. I can see her saying something like 'This doesn't make any sense!' or 'I don't understand!' or even 'what's going on!?'
#2)'Maybe that’s why you couldn’t identify that object' is said by Spike. This doesn't suit Spike at all becuase he's using two instances of advanced vocabulary and Spike isn't the type to use it. Even Twilight, who's the actual egghead, doesn't use much specialist vocab in the show, so Spike shouldn't be either. Object and Indentify are the words we're looking at here, and although they aren't that difficult or rare, they are for Spike to be saying them. I can see Spike saying something like 'Maybe that's why you couldn't find out what the star-thing was?' but not 'identify' and 'object'. That's Twilight talk.
#3)'I know! Her collection rivals with Rarity’s' is also by Spike. This is weird for the same reasons, the way he uses rivals is a little too advanced for simple Spike. I can see him saying 'I know! She has almost as many as Rarity!' though.
#4)'No, she did not' is by Spike again. This is for similar reasons, but not becuase of the words. It's too formal for Spike, who'd use contractions wherever possible. That means this should be:' No, she didn't'. That's prefectly acceptable.
It's difficult to gague at times, but there are a few little moments with your dialogue that don't fit. I guess it would do to comb over the speech once more, but I don't think it was that much of a huge problem through chapter one. It think this should be more of a 'remember for the next time you write' thing.

Speech tags
Finally, I also wanted to talk about the speech tags. As I said, you don't vary them very much and you use a lot of 'he said's and 'she said's. You can add an adverb after these tags to alter them a little, but ideally you should just try and find new words all together. For example, you can use verbs that can actually describe speech like ' Spike growled', or you can use words that can't even decribe speech at all, but just narrate an action, like 'Fluttershy winced'. Although it's not a 'proper' speech tag, it still works like one and I'm pretty sure it's not wrong.

Has it changed since I last reviewed it? Yes. I think it has, I can see some definite improvements in pacing since the last time, the Fluttershy bit comes to mind foremost. It was such a long time ago that it's fuzzy, but I'm quite sure the Fluttershy bit was longer and more drawn out, as well as the initial stargazing bit. Now it's a lot more to-the-point and that's good, but it also brings out another problem.

Now that you're shortened it, the point of the Fluttershy bit seems to get lost. I know it's just meant to increase tension in the reader, which is always a good tactic, but here it might be detrimental.

You need to look at it in terms of the story. This is the very first chapter, and the reader has decided to give your story a look. How generous of him. The problem is, with most readers, you only have a few dozen pages to hook them, or otherwise they're just going to hit the back button and leave. You've got the beginning of a very interesting story here, and I don't doubt that they'll want to read on. The problem is, you have this Fluttershy bit right in the 'sweet spot' where you need to have lots of exciting stuff to ensnare the reader. Once the reader is hooked, you can have stuff like the Fluttershy bit. That's because they're already invested in the story and they won't be like, 'this is boring,' because it's not- it's building up tension.

So basically what I'm trying to say is that the Fluttershy bit is shorter, and that's good, but I still fear that you're going to lose some readers here. That's pretty much my only major comment on this chapter. I'm not actually too sure what to do about it, maybe you could use in media res at the start or something?

Review done to http://snd.sc/i5tT6g on loop. Swaaag.
>> No. 87162

Night Shore has just been promoted from his apprenticeship under Shertrot Holmes in the Canterlot Intelligence Agency (CIA). Already he has his first solo case. It's not just any case either, it's a case from the Princess. His job? Investigate the communications blackout at the Everfree Mines to make sure it isn't something more sinister.


Prereaders said pretty much said the whole thing needs to be reworked... As full a review as possible please.
>> No. 87163

SPARKYYYY!!! *hugs super tightly* You have no idea how much I needed to see this.

REVIEW ACKNOWLEDGED! Now to apply these changes and take out the shinny editing scissors. Thanks a bunch man! Looking forward to the review of episode 2!
>> No. 87166
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>> No. 87167
File 133028213697.jpg - (75.48KB , 1000x1000 , mlfw2871_large.jpg )
I'll take this... It looks like fun >:]

I love you too ^^
I'm already going through C2, I won't keep you waiting long.

On an unrelated note, AOTY came early:
>> No. 87179
File 133028521403.png - (52.90KB , 384x315 , My bearded ponysona.png )

Did somepony say MANLINESS? My beard approves! Let's see what we have there.
>> No. 87187
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Resubmitting Harmonic Chaos.

Title: Harmonic Chaos
Synopsis: For years, Pinkie Pie has visited one place every week, regardless of what is going on. For a few hours, she talks without interruption, until one fateful day when she is talked back to.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1awgcW0PHWaRPYIZvKN2Ue92GzJAYSMIit73SiNnbouY/edit?pli=1
>> No. 87190
Good day, this is the first of a series of short unrelated stories I plan on writing. They will cover a range of topics. If anyone wants to be involved in review of future short stories let me know.

Title - Excessive Worry

Author/screen name - Piquo Pican Pistachio Pie

Tags - Happy, Sad

Synopsis - It takes the average newborn foal a day to walk. Sometimes it takes longer. Sometimes something is wrong.

Word count 596

List of links to the story - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pJn76qurBrS0_ZOm0579DtYfHluJcL-aO77rM1b2mvA/edit
>> No. 87197
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Fic reviewed. Things to mention and reasons why my beard hates you:

I notice too many questions thrown to the reader or, at least, rethorical. In any case, some of them seem unnecesary. But then again, it's just my perspective. You may be able to have one or two, but they're sometimes weird, you may prefer rephrasing it so you can avoid them.

Something that HAS to be corrected without doubt are ellipses. When the narrator speaks, you don't use ellipses (unless is first person narrator, and even then, only in limited occasions).

>to present to Hoity Toity, personally, later that day.
I think you can omit those commas.

>in tact

>“Um… hi sis…,”
Too many ellipses, you can go with “Um… hi, sis,”

>But where were… her designs!?
Nope, not a valid sentence as a narrator. Yes, you’re using Rarity’s point of view, but even in first person this is not common, and you’re using third person. You have to rephrase it.

>“You were wrong, Sweetie Belle,” Apple Bloom told her friend. “Now we’re gonna die.”
Hah, comedy gold here. I like it.

>before the white unicorn fell over and fainted.
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome there. Just change “the white unicorn” for “she” and you’d be awesome.

>He had no coin to choose a direction
Wait, didn’t he have two bits? He only used one, why doesn’t he have any now?

Damn, Pip’s sure a wimp in the story. Cannot lift an axe, cannot climb, cannot jump. So I guess no flaming chainsaw dueling here. I’m starting to get disappointed. I was promised MANLINESS.

>“A stallion huh?”
A stallion, huh?

Wow, Big Mac sure is a cruel bastard, leaving Pip there to die of exhaustion. (OOC moment, Big Mac would never do something like that)

>“What did I come here for again? Corn? Something to do with a red fruit… or was it a pink one… I’m pretty sure it was blue…”
… wait, what? This doesn’t make any sense at all.

And then Caramel had a almost non-existant short term memory or a mixture of Mr. Magoo and Dori from Finding Nemo. Also, maybe confuse him with someone of Pip’s age, like Snails or Snips… no problem, but with an adult mare? Nope.

Okay, Caramel’s part is definitely really weird. We may not have a full-personality thing for Caramel, but come on, he makes me want to punch him in the face shouting “Stop being retard!” If you only used the part when Big Mac told that Caramel had lost his seeds and make his whole personality out of it, I see your point, he might be forgetful. But this pony makes the barking pony look like Einstein.

> I’m sue I can help

Okay, I seriously consider that Caramel’s scene should be totally rewritten. I can see the ghost of Graham Chapman appearing next to me in a military uniform saying “This is too silly, get out!”

>Would she make it? Would she make it?!
Yes, I know what you try to do, but questions as a narrator don’t work. This happens all the way through the story, as well as narrative ellipses that you be avoided.

>And then it happened…
Like this one. As a narrator, you should avoid it.

>Trixie threw up her hoves
Oooookaaaay. Please rephrase this one. Badly. Because this either would mean what she just vomited her own hooves after trying to eat them up or she threw them up like they were juggling balls. I dunno, just use a different verbe. Maybe “Trixie raised her hooves.”

>I never should have come back here.”
Trixie should’ve never come back here.

>The azure unicorn didn’t even realize that she was strangling the bush.
More Lavender Unicorn Syndrom. Just use “she”. Also, how do you strangle a bush?

>a fool of Trixie than he has
A fool of Trixie, then he has

>Trixie is angry. Trixie is furious. Trixie…”
TRIXIE SMASH! Also, this is telling, show u show angry he is, apart from talking like the Hulk.

>Finally fed up with the pitiful sight, Trixie sighed loudly and grabbed both the colt and the rubber band with her magic.
So… she was “Hulk” style, and then decides to lend Pipsqueak a hoof for no reason at something that could mean certain death… Ok, that might be a point, but anyways, it doesn’t work like that.

>“Hey wait, what are you- AWWWWWWWwwwwwwww…,”
I’d prefer “Hey, wait, what are you DOOOOOOOiiii…” just for letting the sentence flow, you know.

>of shear terror
of sheer terror. You mispell it a second time later in the paragraph.

>But why would that be?
But what could that be?

>Well, that solved that question. Wait a minute!
This kind of things work awesomely well on TV shows and cartoons. You have to try to make it more believable.

>Though he let a tear escape from his eye
Okay, it’s Soarin’, yes, he loves pies, but this is way too cliché.

>“Thanks Mister.
Thanks, mister

>I’m Soarin’ by the way.”
I’m Soarin’, by the way.

>My names Pip and I’m glad to hear that,
My name’s Pip, and I’m glad to hear that,

>“Really? Great.

> You can wait that long can’t you?”
That long, can’t you?

>It was made entirely of clouds and of course, inhabited solely by pegasi
It was made entirely of clouds and, of course, inhabited solely by pegasi

>He couldn’t make any sense of Billy, Hoops, and Score, who had a dumb-bell, three basketballs, and three footballs for cutie marks, respectively.
The cutie mark description can be avoided, as it serves little to no purpose.

Let’ start with the basics: My beard hates you. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe that a beard can hate. Mine is sentient, though, and it hates you. You promised manliness. My beard and I expected faces being punched, random, manly violence. Things that exploded, things on fire, or things that got set on fire and exploded, and I got none of it. Yes, I admit that catapulting ponies could be considered awesome, but that should be far from the main course.

I understand the pre-reader’s complaint with Rarity. She doesn’t seem to take a role or give the impression that she will get a role in Pipsqueak’s development.

I couldn’t stand Caramel’s characterization. As the pre-reader said, “random” doesn’t mean “absurd, senseless stuff 4 teh lulz”. You have to soften a bit the “randomness” and focus more on Pipsqueak’s quest to become a manly stallion. If should be fine if he just went from one stallion to another, but the story’s already written, and so much has to be fixed. A lot of parts must be rewritten, but Caramel’s part has to be totally rewritten.

In a nutshell, the concept is interesting and, though I expected a “Man Comics” version of Pipsqueak here, I guess your story could work, but you need to get this and reforge it. You have a good idea, but it needs a lot of work.
>> No. 87198
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Tags: [Normal] [Comedy] [Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Everypony knows about Equestria’s premier musical prodigies, Octavia and Vinyl Scratch. Those who don’t have been stuck on the moon for the past 1000 years and possess absolutely zero taste for contemporary music. Those who do, know about their polar opposite musical talents, their even more contradictory personalities, and that they both have a penchant for late-night drinking. Actually, I don’t think many know about that last one.
What definitely isn’t known about them is their long past together. Witness the beginning of the friendship that spanned years, and the events that brought them together and tore them apart. You better strap yourself in: it’s about to get musical.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11454/What-the-Future-Holds

Comments: I have sent this in to EQD, and have gotten a response which I will put below. However, I only sent them parts 1 and 2, so they haven’t yet seen the rest. Also, the story isn’t finished yet either.
EQD Critique:
Keep an eye out for a few grammatical issues, including but not limited to:
•Missing punctuation marks
•Misuse of single quotes
Plot-wise, the first chapter doesn't really seem to go anywhere. Ignoring the fact that you suddenly add in cars and airplanes into the setting without any explanation for them, neither [Comedy] nor [Sad] seem to fit here. A writing professor of mine once gave me excellent advice that I think is applicable here: “Write out everything leading up to the story that establishes the background, then once you've reached the point where the story starts, delete it and start anew.” The first chapter feels largely pointless. The synopsis promises hilarity and possibly emotional interactions between Octavia and Vinyl, but what do you deliver? A family preparing to move to a new place. It's something of a letdown that doesn't seem to serve much purpose.
Also, watch your use of adverbs. They're widely considered a crutch when used with dialogue. Emotion should be shown in dialogue, rather than being told through the attribution.
In summary, though, it sounds like you have a fine idea, but you start off on the wrong foot. You still have two more goes at EqD, so I recommend you polish this up and try again.
I completely agree with them on pretty much everything, and am even thinking of trashing the first three chapters and starting over. I even have a few ideas, but I’m not 100% sure about it, and would like to hear what you think.
I also have a second synopsis, and am curious about which one you think would be better:
The future can be cruel, unrelenting, and unforgiving. So goes the philosophy of the young Octavia Adagio, a filly hailing from the land of Germaney, now stuck in the city of Manehattan. Through this mantra, she isolates herself from the world, not making friends, only acquaintances. What will it take to snap her out of this?
Maybe the antics of a particularly white unicorn would help.
Also, the reason I originally included the [Sad] tag was because the story would become sad later on.

Thanks for helping!
>> No. 87199
Tags: [Adventure][Random][Dark]

The unthinkable has happened. A new Draconequus has emerged, apparently intent on plunging Equestria into chaos once more. To make matters worse, Pinkie Pie is nowhere to be found, forcing Twilight and the others to scramble to find a way to defeat this new threat without the Elements of Harmony.
After strange dreams, Pinkie Pie awakes and finds herself in the body of a Draconequus. Between strange new powers that she can't control, and (for some reason) an inability to communicate with other ponies, Pinkie finds herself alienated from her friends... but receives help from an unexpected source.

Part 1:
Part 2:
Part 3:
Part 4:

I'm a bit dubious as to whether this story deserves a "Comedy" tag or not, so if it needs this (or any other) tag, please be sure to let me know.
Feel free to take your time with the reviewing, by the way.
>> No. 87203
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Irony is sometimes a terrible thing, isn't it Flashgen? Oh well, let's take a looksee. It's nice to finally read the first chapter of the story I reviewed several months ago. Gives you perspective and whatnot.

The story opens after an incident that goes undefined for a couple of paragraphs, but it is fairly evident that the mane six are in a boatload of trouble; they wake up inside a tree. Now, I'm willing to give you some leniency on the Twilight Messes Up A Spell cliche because this was written months upon months ago, and the cliche was not in fact a cliche at the time. However, I would like to note that this sense of error should be one of the first things you introduce to your audience so they can at least get a feeling what happened in the introduction rather than leaving it to speculation for several paragraphs.

So I take a look at your introduction, and I find I have several rather large problems with it. First of, you establish Twilight as the character that has the perspective, but never is the audience given a window into her current thoughts or feelings. This contributes to distancing the characters from the narrative, and thereby distancing the author from the reader, because the reader should be interested in what the character has to say. Moreover, the narrative simply becomes a list of actions a character conducts without any perceptions from the character. When considering your introduction, you should keep three basic factors in mind:

A. Where is my character, and how do they feel about being there? (Setting)

B. Why is my character there, and do they know why?

C. How does my character interact with the environment and surrounding characters? Why do they do what they do?

Super Secret Number 4D. Why should my reader care about any of these events, and what can I do to reel them in like a fish?

You've got bits and pieces of these three things in your introduction. For example, the setting is implied to be dark because Twilight has to have her eyes adjust to the lack of light. However, when writing, it would be best to commit a setting, and a strong central narrator that has experiences a reader can relate to and empathize with when considering your introduction. For example, when you wrote:

>Her hooves tried to cover her nose

You could have all sorts of fun when trying to relate the sense of smell to the reader.


>Twilight cringed in disgust, and attempted to use her hooves to free herself of the horrid smell, yet to no avail. The smell simply refused to be banished. She suppressed the urge to vomit, but only barely. Pigsties smelled better than this rotten place.

Granted, this is by no means intended to be impressive prose, but look at what I have done when compared to simply "tried to cover her nose." The first sentence uses tone verbs and adverbs to give implications to how the character feels about the situation. The second and third sentences give the reaction to the stimuli, and the fourth sentence gives the character a chance to hold the narrative mic for a moment to give an opinion.

I'm not saying that you should weigh down all your actions with complex feelings and reactions, but it would be nice to have your characters give insight into how they are feeling to important events, particularly the introduction. You need the hook, the sense of relation between the character and the reader to be established early on if you want the reader to continue being interested in your story.

Most importantly for you to consider would be that your characters are in a foreign environment, but I am given no indication that they are, nor do they character themselves act like anything is out of the ordinary, particularly Twilight. It would seem to me that there are identifiable and predicable reactions to suddenly being in a foreign environment, and calmly standing up to cast a light spell is not really one of them. Suppressing the few in order to cast a light spell would certainly be understandable, but I really have no idea how Twilight feels about any of this.

In fact, reading the later segments, the side characters give more input on how they feel than Twilight does, which is a pretty big problem when you consider that Twilight is supposed to be the main character, or at least the narrator for that scene.

tl;dr Your narrator for your introduction is very weak, and needs improvement.

Sentence variation is a huge problem that is recurrent in your writing. Namely, you have a tendency to abuse the present participle -ing clause and the "as" conjunction. There are five mentions of "as" and six participle phrases in the introduction alone. You need to work on varying your word and tense usage, otherwise it makes reading your story feel like reading the same sentence over and over again with the verbs switched out. You have about 154 sentences, and of those 154, there are 54 mentions of the word "as." I can't get an accurate count of how many times you use the participle phrase, but it is almost to the point where it is every other sentence. English is a fairly versatile language that doesn't force you to write in the same style over and over again. Therefore, you need variation to keep the reader interested.

One thing I'd like to emphasize is that you really don't seem to like to get descriptive with your setting, or even play around with it. Just have fun with it, be descriptive with your surroundings, and paint a vivid picture. There's always the chance you would go overboard with it, but that is inevitable better than having too little description. The reader wants to feel immersed in the world and the surroundings thereof, to see the sights, feel the weather, and become part of the world. Without good description, the world suffers from what I like to call "black holes" which is basically where the scenery is left to the readers imagination, which in some cases can be a good thing, but generally is something you'd like to avoid. Imagine your setting to be the glue that sticks a scene together. Sure, the reader can pick up the pieces of your scene and try to make it cohesive, but it'll never stick without that glue.

As a result of having this story being reviewed six times or so, there is little in the form of true grammatical problems. However, there are many sections where the wording is unnecessarily long or confusing. Sections of redundancy are there, but not overtly prevalent. In any case, I took the liberties to point of the majority of such errors.

As far as plot goes, there's not much to say. Not to be cruel, but it's a typical TMUAS plotline that has the mane six voyage into unfriendly territory. There are minor issues I have with the characterization of the mane six, and I generally feel like their reactions are underplayed in this setting, especially Twilight's. Twilight seems to be the character that just moves the plot along and does nothing else, never feels anything, never does anything interesting, and generally is boring. The better characterized ponies are surprisingly Applejack and Rarity, who at least have believable reactions and concerns. Pinkie Pie is in the story, but don't ask me where, because as far as I know, she does absolutely nothing the entire time, which is quite frankly UNFORGIVABLE considering Pinkie would be bouncing off the wall at every given opportunity until told to shut up for not recognizing the gravity of the situation. I want her rolling around and giggling, throwing mud at people, acting hyper, just like in the show. If you don't want to write that, don't include the character, and as it stands, you seem to have difficulty keeping track of them. There's also some plot issues I'd like to address. For example, why doesn't Rainbow Dash use her wings to scout out their position. If they don't know where they are, wouldn't it be a good idea to have someone do a fly-over? How does Twilight manage to break reality on her own even though she claims she's not talented enough to teleport them to Everfree? What the hay was she trying to do, anyways, and why would it fail? Why can't she just teleport them back?

Another thing I'd like to note is that there is almost no speech tags in the entire story. Why? I don't understand why you're trying to just action-tag your way to victory with this. I'm not saying that you should tag every piece of dialogue, but the fact that almost none of the dialogue is tagged is really a cause for confusion and dismay. It also makes it incredibly difficult to figure out who is talking. Speaking of dialogue, there are instances where the dialogue is awfully stilted

>We have to get outta here, now!

This is Applejack speaking. Notice how wordy this is when compared to something like

>We gotta get outta here!

Something that is said urgently should be terse in its presentation, otherwise it'll seem silly.

The way in which time progresses is quite odd too. For some reason, you split scenes up into individual events, then when you want that scene to end, you just say "Then they walked for an indiscriminate amount of time until the next scene happened." Honestly, I don't know why it's gotta be that way. I know that time has got to progress and whatnot, but you jumpcut so often that it feels like the characters never do anything interesting while off camera.

Another annoying thing you have the tendency of doing is using phrases like "looked like" or "seemed to be" when describing aspects of the scenery. Just commit to something. I have no idea why the narrative does not feel like telling me what something looks like to the letter, but this halfway description is just irritating.

Overall, this isn't a bad piece. It just needs a lot of work in terms of coherence and characterization. You need to understand the why when a character does something in order to have them be believable. But don't despair, you have always been good about trying to improve. As George Lucas once said "A movie is never finished, only abandoned" and you've certainly have not abandoned this story. Keep working at it and you'll improve with time.
>> No. 87205
Since I'm eagerly awaiting a review of my own work, I'll help out myself. Claiming this one.
>> No. 87211
>>86870 Here you go! :)


Synopsis: Every pony in Ponyville has been having gum and teeth problems. Doctor Romana T. Colgate--the only dentist in Ponyville--finds herself swamped by the sudden surge of patients. With the help of the Elementals of Harmony, she seeks out what really is going on and to find a way to stop it.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16qZZLLCHAA_kBC5-6boNQ-eZZfXWThx54GAVWTzTCmY/edit
>> No. 87213
>>87211 Oops, that synopsis is a bit off... *ahem* just ignore it for now. >_>;
>> No. 87222
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I'm going to deliver this review chapter-by-chapter.

Chapter 1 (Goodbye Germaney)

>Starting with onomatopeia
This can be done successfully , but is a risky stylistic choice in this circumstance. You may want to find some other way to start this chapter. You follow it up pretty well, though, so it isn't a massive issue.

>The little filly instantly ceased her imaginary airplane impression at her mother’s order
"At her mother’s order, the little filly instantly ceased her imaginary airplane impression" may work better.

>pestered expression
"Pestered" is not an appropriate adjective in this context. Try "petulant".

>dumb smile
Might be too strong. Consider "silly" instead.

>Without the permission
"Without permission"

>bide her attention
"Bide" is inappropriate. Try "hold". Alternatively try "hold her interest".

>looking like some sort of ruffians to our fellow travelers
Awkward phrasing. I suggest something simpler: "looking like ruffians", perhaps.

>first ever-overseas
No hyphen needed.

>her future trip
"her trip". "Future" is superfulous here.

>“Mother?” she inquisitively asked
Aha, split infinitive! Try "she asked inquisitively" instead, or perhaps even just "she asked". "Inquisitively" may be a little redundant, but leave it in if you want it to highlight a specific tone of voice or similar.

>Her mother gradually lessened the amount of weight she imposed upon the gas pedal as the automobile slowed to a stop.
Really, really slow, clunky and overly descriptive. We can assume most of your readers know how a car's gas pedal works. We don't need to tell them all of this. There are a lot of problems with this sentence - its awkward phrasing, the fact that the cause (decreased pressure on gas pedal) and effect (car slows down) seem to be flipped to name a couple - but really, the biggest problem is that most of it is pretty much unneccessary. It shows up in the middle of a conversation. I strongly suggest a much simpler, shorter description of events - "The car slowed as her mother took her foot off the gas pedal" is a little simple, but works perfectly fine.

Oh, also, we're not told why she's slowing the car, so it looks like she's slowing the car just to respond to Octavia.

>Of course, that was the reason they were making the trip in the first place.
>It seemed Germaney just didn’t have any need for musicians anymore.
Either merge these sentences into one paragraph, or put a proper paragraph break between them. You might even merge them like so:

"Of course, that was the reason they were making the trip in the first place: Germaney just didn’t seem to have any need for musicians anymore."

I like this! It's subtle.

I don't like this. It's a bit too much of a reach. I'd need to bone up on my German composers to suggest a better one, though.

>as the second violin if
I suggest "as second violin for".

>at our new home
I suggest "at our new house".

>soaring gray skies above.
"Soaring" is a little inappropriate for a gloomy sky. Try another adjective.

>only acquaintances. And she didn’t plan
Replace that full stop with a comma.

>Her mother put her hoof back on the pedal, slowly accelerating the car back to its previous speed.
Same problem as before. Cut this sentence down a bit.

Germaney, right?

>gargantuan slabs of grey walls
Very awkward phrasing. Try "gargantuan grey walls", "gargantuan walls" or simply "grey walls".

>grey skies aggrandizing the size
Oh, no no no. "Aggrandizing" does not go there. Try "inflating".

>As impressive as it was, it also felt very depressing.
Something feels off about this sentence. Can't quite place it. Try replacing "depressing" with a different adjective.

>The faint rainfall wasn’t quite enough to soak through her mane, but it was more than enough to annoy her as she trotted through the

puddles that had begun to form.
This sentence runs on a bit. Too much is going on in it - try splitting it into two.

>Her first visit to an airport hadn’t had quite the warm welcome she’d imagined
I suggest "wasn't having" instead of "hadn't had". Although this is, of course, all written in the past tense, "hadn't had" subtly implies a point in time further back than the time that's being written about. Think of the construction "hadn't had" as a "past-past" tense, whereas "wasn't having" as sort of a "past-present" tense. I'm not sure of the precise grammatical name for this.

>And by Celestia did it ever.
Comma between "Celestia" and "did". Might even want to end in an exclamation mark instead of a full stop.

>The ceiling was so high up; she could barely see the spinning fans that lined it.
Semicolon isn't appropriate here - I suggest replacing it with "that".

"Dozens", perhaps?

I suggest "be". I know what you're going for here, but it's best to stay conventional.

>Its iron form needed to be examined more closely,
I suggest "begged" instead of "needed" given the context of the sentence.

>on account of her insatiable curiosity of the unknown.
"For the unknown".

>catching up to her daughter who’d stopped before
Comma between "daughter" and "who'd". This also brings up a perspective issue which I will talk about later.

>an impressive and new
I suggest "new and impressive".

>the large iron bird
You're getting a little too abstract in your descriptions here.

>overly ecstatic filly
Slightly redundant. We already know she's ecstatic because you told us in an earlier paragraph.

>Her mother drew a delighted grin.
"Drew" isn't appropriate here, try "flashed".

>The thought scared little Octavia, but didn’t quite deter her impatience.
>“Can’t they do it faster?”
Merge these two lines.

>“C’mon mother!”
>“Geez Octavia, do we have to be the first ones in line? I’m coming, don’t worry.”
Given the exceptionally formal nature of their conversation earlier, I feel these somewhat more coloquial lines don't really fit.

>her sack with her maw
"Mouth" is more appropriate here.

>It returned with two white slips of paper clenched between its teeth
I really think it's best if you don't try to think of her mouth as an entirely seperate entity. Swap "It" with "She" and "its" with "her".

Again, a little informal given what's already been established.

Technical Stuff

Glad to say that your spelling is pretty much perfect, which is more than can be said for a depressingly large number of fics that get approved by Equestria Daily, so no problems there. Grammatically speaking, your punctuation is almost always fine but you have some minor structural issues with word order and placement (such as that split infinitive).

Technically your story is fine. That isn't the issue.

Artistic Stuff

There's something slightly wrong here and I can't pinpoint for you precisely what it is. This is why I don't write many reviews - because often I can see something wrong, and how to fix it, but not communicate these concepts. Closest thing I can say is that you describe a little too much. Your narrative flow suffers because of this - sometimes the pacing of the work is thrown out of whack by an overly descriptive section we don't really need. The gas pedal thing was a good example of this - that entire sentence needed to be a quick, functional depiction of events taking place, not a detailed description of precisely what was happening. Your descriptions sometimes stray into the unneccessarily abstract (see "large iron bird").

Your word choice needs serious work as well. Some words simply don't fit into the contexts you're trying to place them in. This isn't really something I can help you with except to point out when you've done it wrong and suggest alternatives. You will have to fix this problem yourself.

The conversations between Octavia and her mother seem slightly stiff and formal but this actually works if they're supposed to be pony-Germans. German is an exceptionally formal and precise language, possessing few contractions or abreviations and conversations between Germans tend to reflect this. Culturally, Germans are a far more formal and polite people than Americans or Britons. However, you get a little inconsistent with this towards the end of the chapter - Germans tend to be pretty formal and precise even when speaking English. Consider which suits your needs better, and stick with it.

Thematically, I can definitely see the seeds of an interesting story here and you haven't delivered it badly, per se. However, your work is in need of a serious polish.

Plot Concerns

- What happens to their car? It's clearly Octavia's mother who's driving it. What happens to it after they get to the airport? They're just going to leave it to get towed? Wouldn't it be more appropriate to have already sold it and got a taxi?

- I saw a comment on the submission itself complaining about tech levels, and I can see where they're going with it, but this doesn't actually concern me at all. Use whatever tech level is appropriate to get the story written as long as it is consistent. Don't flip-flop on this - have a serious think about what technology is available in your work, and the repercussions that the presence of that technology has.
>> No. 87226
Tags: [normal][prequel][OC]
Synopsis: Everypony knows how the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony were able to use their respective elements to defeat Nightmare Moon, but not how Princess Celestia knew who they were and ensured that they would meet. This is the story of a small group of astronomers who must reverse-engineer ancient astrology to discover the identities of the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony, before Nightmare Moon returns and plunges Equestria into eternal night.
Title Page (has links to all chapters):
I would like at least the first three chapters reviewed, but eventually hope for thoughts on the entire story.
Comments/requests: I'm really hoping this character is not a Gary Stu, but if he needs fixing, let me know what I can do. I plan to expand other characters in the re-write after I finish the whole story and get some feedback.
>> No. 87235

Claiming this story. Toothpaste by Brotato.

As for the other two stories I claimed, I completed the first three chapters for Icarus and the first two chapters for My Little XLR. No worries, they're coming along just fine. :D
>> No. 87237
File 133031072252.png - (34.30KB , 380x452 , Stormchaser is thinking.png )
Chapter 2 (Arrival)

>Little Octavia skipped out of the passage from the best experience of her life.
I have concerns about mixing a physical action with an abstract concept in this way. Perhaps try separating them into two seperate sentences.

>Her favorite part had been when they pierced through the clouds into the eternally sun-filled skies above, during which her face had been plastered against her window so as not to let a single moment pass where she was not peering into the brilliant aether.
This sentence veers purple. Cut down the descriptive parts slightly, and certainly get rid of "brilliant aether" - I suggest "sky".

>obstacle in this endeavor
Replace "in" with "to".

>Looking from 30,000 feet in the air out onto her old homeland
Awkward construction. I suggest "Looking over her old homeland from thirty thousand feet".

>affecting her interpretation
Cut this bit out.

>Either way, she was somewhat glad to no longer live in Germaney.
"She was somewhat glad she no longer lived there", perhaps?

>the ‘pizzazz’
I have concerns about the use of this term. Given that we seem to be viewing things from Octavia's perspective, I'm not sure she'd use that term.

>Conceptualizing such things had an effect on her physical body
I suggest "Conceptualizing such things had a physical effect on her".

There's that thing again.

>Octavia barely heard the voice over the sound of how excited she was
This is a very awkward abstraction. I strongly suggest "Octavia was so excited she barely heard the voice".

>It was his
I suggest "It was the".

>baggage swaying with the force of her speed
Very awkward. I suggest "baggage swaying wildly", and leave it at that.

>all the while with her giggling like the filly she was.
Another awkward construction. I suggest "with her giggling all the while".

>“It was amazing father!”
A little too stiff. I suggest cutting out "father".

>she joyously confirmed.
"Confirmed" suggests clarifying a fact rather than requesting an opinion. I suggest "she exclaimed joyously".

>a look of dumbstruck interest adorning his face
"Dumbstruck" and "interest" do not go together. "Dumbstruck awe" works, but one doubts if he's been married to her long enough to have a child of Octavia's age that he still gets caught speechless by her beauty. "Interest" doesn't really capture the feelings one should have towards a wife either. "Adorning" is an awkward word to use here, for that matter. Rethink this entire phrase.

>(Description of mother)
Why has this been left until now, given how much interaction we've had with the character thus far?

>and she was too tired to try to increase her speed any further
"Increase her speed any further" is all sorts of stiff and impersonal. Try and be a little more dynamic with your wording when describing physical action by a character - "too tired to walk any further" works just fine.

>With elegant technique, she brushed the half of her mane that drooped over her eye back to its rightful place.
Again, this sentence could be much shorter without sacrificing any descriptiveness. I suggest "She brushed her mane out of her eyes with practiced elegance".

>"Is it such a sin to desire perfection?"
I have concerns I can't quite place about this phrase. Be careful.

>“You foal,”
Way impersonal thing for her to say, even if she's joking. These two ponies are supposed to love and adore each other enough to want to spend the rest of their natural lives together. Right now I don't feel it.

>Octavia’s large eyes rolled around in her head.
Unneccessarily stiff description. You could just say "Octavia rolled her eyes".

>At the same time, she wondered if she too would be like that one day.
>She really hoped not.
Paragraph merge, please.

>my honeys
Reconsider this choice of words.

>he spoke happily
I suggest "he said, chuckling".

>returning to reality from his bliss filled moment.
That doesn't seem to be precisely the sort of moment one would get lost in. Either way, this phrasing needs to be reworked.

>Manehattan from just its airport,
I suggest "just from".

>while others just seemed
"Just" is unneccessary.

>whose ideas of fun seemed to solely entail going to a bar completely normal and walking real funny coming out.
I would criticise your use of German stereotypes, but there's structural problems to be picked apart. I suggest you change it to "whose sole idea of fun seemed to entail".

>Noticing she was falling behind her parents, she picked up her pace, grazing by the shin of a large stallion loitering with his equally buff compadres.
Needs a proper paragraph separation.

I suggest "snapped".

>a quick apologetic bow
Put a comma between the two adjectives.

>walking blindly
Blindly implies something different than I think you want to imply. I suggest using a different adjective.

>who in turn gladly exited through
Add an "it" at the end of this.

>through the translucent exit
Too flowery. I suggest "through the door".

>female parental unit
"Mother", please.

>The main of Manehattan
I suggest "Manehattan proper".

>She only had a small obsession with planes is all.
Paragraph merge please, and it should be "was".

>of which Octavia wasn’t sure if she should be impressed or worried
I suggest "which Octavia wasn’t sure if she should be impressed by or worried about."

>to the promised lot of parking.
This is getting a little bit snarky. Consider the narrator voice.

>as excited as, if not surpassing, her
I suggest "as excited as her, if not moreso".

>Descriptive paragraphs about the cello, her practice, etc.
Show, don't tell. You're telling us a lot of stuff which would be better served being shown to us.

>like a plated armor
I suggest "like armor".

I suggest "residents".

>weight pressing down upon her again
Shorten this to "weight again".

>Not necessarily.
I suggest "Not really."

>“That’s good.” He let out a long, relieved sigh, happy that his daughter took that attribute from him
What attribute?

>laid beyond those visible to her naked eyes.
Rethink this. It's way too flowery.

>Simple access to the other rooms from the main, she could tell it would be easy to navigate and explore.
This sentence is missing a lot of words it should have, and has a few it shouldn't. "With simple access between rooms, she could tell it would be easy to navigate" is probably better.

>And if she ever decided to practice in there, the acoustics would be simply marvelous. She had a feeling she would be fighting her father for that space.
If this sentence starts with "and", it should probably be part of the previous sentence. Try and be extremely sparing with starting your sentences with a conjunction - it has literary effect, but only if properly rationed.

>Her depressed eyes
Remove "depressed".

>Those words of relief
I suggest "These words".

Thoughts So Far

Your writing is still technically competent but also still let down by stiff phrasology, awkward sentence construction and a lack of involvement. What I'm saying here, and forgive me if this sounds harsh, is that you've pretty much gotten as far as you're going to do on technical competency alone. You've proven to me you can have an idea for a story and that you can write it down respectably - now make me care about it. I never get to the point where I want to stop reading, but right now I feel like I might forget this story a couple of hours after I finish reading it.
>> No. 87247

Anyone going to claim this?
>> No. 87252
With all due respect to the author, it looks a lot like a trollfic. Just look at the first few paragraphs.
>> No. 87253

I'm pretty sure it isn't.
>> No. 87254
File 133031590992.png - (34.30KB , 380x452 , Stormchaser is thinking.png )
Chapter 3 (The Night Before)

>obtained influence
I suggest "received inspiration".

>not initially complying with its driver’s demands that mid-autumn morning
Again, may be too descriptive for the relevant event.

>(Entire flashback scene is in italics)
This is a bad idea.

>ascertained by multiple fruitless attempts.
I suggest "despite multiple attempts".

>young gray filly
"Young filly". We already know what colour she is, and I doubt there's any weapons designed specifically to kill or horribly injure young gray fillies.

>abysmal blackness
"Darkness", if you please.

This isn't even close to being a word.

>primordial song
Too flowery.

>calling for the ethereal companion it knew not of
Too flowery.

>Darkness dominated the world; and for Octavia, she embraced its reign.
Still too flowery.

>periodic drinks had left it half-full, or half-empty depending on who you’d ask.
Narrator voice concerns.

>The white liquid cascaded down her throat
Too flowery and somewhat suspect.

>“Wha… what do you mean by that father?”
Needs a comma between "that" and "father".

>You don’t know how heartening that is.
Try "You don't know how much of a relief that is."

Thoughts So Far

Your writing's getting a little better even between chapters, but you still have serious trouble with balance of description. Look up the definition of purple prose, if you haven't already, and see how it applies to sections of your story that I've brought up.
>> No. 87256
I'll grab it. Sounds interesting, kind of like a short I've been considering. Expect a post Monday.
>> No. 87257
File 133031645525.gif - (1.91MB , 500x378 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-at-the-disco1.gif )

That sounds like a pretty fun read. I'll take a look at the first three chapters. I assume that hasn't been claimed. Of course, I'd welcome any other reviewer type person that also wants to comment on that.

>I must warn you that I'm a 'meh' quality reviewer, but hopefully I can help.
>> No. 87266
File 133032073013.png - (34.30KB , 380x452 , Stormchaser is thinking.png )
Chapter 4 (We Don't Need No Education)

>Pink Floyd reference
I am pleased by this.

>Her father’s words had acted like some sort of aural relaxant.
This is a really awkward turn of phrase. I suggest "Her father's words had been soothing".

>ethereal dreamscape of her mind
Too flowery.

>on the head of the techno
Very awkward. I'm not entirely sure of the subject of this sentence, but you'll want to rephrase.

"Frustration" is probably a better word.

>turn be wouldn’t have been
Remove either "be" or "wouldn't have been". Either works.

>near-overflowing languor.
Too flowery.

>lined its fascia
Way too flowery. I have, without vanity, an extremely extensive vocabulary and even I had to look this one up.

>sluggishly exited
"Sluggishly" is probably not an appropriate word to use here. You also use "exit" a lot - try some variation.

>autumn-chilled walkway
Too flowery.

>Oh no
Narrator voice.

Use a more common word. This is another one I had to look up.

Try "return".


>“Goodbye mother."
Add a comma.

>are your ready

>Octavia followed at her side, like a dog being introduced to its new master.
This is a slightly disrespectful simile given that Octavia is meant to be the protagonist.

>“It’s alright miss, you may call me Octavia.”
I suggest replacing the comma with a full stop.


>“Oh nonsense.

>God this was embarrassing.
At the very least, you want a comma after "God", but I seriously recommend you think up a different exclamation to put in there.

You keep using this word, but I think "electronic" is closer to what you actually mean.

>Rich vibrant hues of blue soared out of her scalp
Too flowery.

>adding even more color to her pure white coat.
This is kind of an oxymoron.

>Out of the flowing river shot the glistening white spiral pillar, the source of talent for those of her kind.
For one, this entire sentence is too flowery. You're also using "the" when you should be using "a". To be honest, we know she's a unicorn and we know what a unicorn is. Don't tell us that a horn's there, or what it looks like - only mention it if something else affects it.

>Crimson red baubles sat perched in this filly’s head, staring directly at her.
Too flowery.

>precious rubies, glimmering in the sunlight piercing through the adjacent window.
Way too flowery.


OK. On a technical level I can find very little to complain about; your spelling's nearly perfect and your grammar is above average. You have a few minor issues with word order and placement but nothing that a few minutes proof-reading won't fix. Technically, your work is much better than some fics that I've read - on Equestria Daily. That's not where your problem is.

You have a big problem with purple prose - that is, prose that is excessively detailed to an extent that it draws attention to itself, rather than what it's describing. Some of what you're telling us could be conveyed far more effectively with less words. Sometimes you're using fairly complex or esoteric words when simpler ones will do (I have to say I'm kind of impressed you used words that just straight up weren't in my vocabulary, though).

Don't worry. You do not need to use complex words to make your story intelligent. In fact, complex concepts can be conveyed using very simple words by a talented writer, and when it all comes down to it, you don't seem to have a problem with communicating your concepts - you just need to trim them down a little. William Shakespeare said that "brevity is the soul of wit", and he knew pretty much everything about English literature ever, and also he once killed a bear with nothing but a quill pen and a look of bilious contempt*.

*This statement may or may not have included historically inaccurate hyperbole for comic effect.

The story itself is interesting and the characters are relatable, even if they seem unnaturally stiff at times. I'd say that if you work on cutting down the length of your descriptions a little bit without losing the meaning, this story will be fine.
>> No. 87268
File 133032434988.jpg - (40.98KB , 309x450 , Mark-E-Smith-points-at-you.jpg )
Snow Bank Review

Okay, so I left a ton of comments in the first three chapters. I'm going to be honest and say that I felt sort of disappointed as time went on. So, my comments will probably be less helpful as the story went on. I do hope though that I can be of at least some help.

Characters You have Snow and Sky. Oddly enough, Snow reminds me a lot of the OC that I had in my own best known fic-- the character details and appearances are really similar (not to mention that both of them are stallions connected to the moon both physically and emotionally). I'll try to put that aside, though. In my opinion, Snow is not a Gary Stu. He's got an interesting enough background, and I'd like to see what happens to him. He has some Stu-ish tendencies, however. I don't get why he's so rude and apprehensive to his new friends. He should be scared, eager to please, and hoping for a chance to prove himself. If anything, I'd picture him as excessively friendly.

Also, the reader only gets a picture into his mind during chapter three. For the first two chapters, Snow comes across as boringly non-descript as a prop. Sky in particular also has the same problem. You need to immediately draw the reader's empathy from the get go. I kept asking myself 'Why should I care about these ponies' in chapter one, and I couldn't really come up with a good answer.

Grammar / spelling : You have the tendency to compact things together into big sentences. I also saw some comma splices and other things that you need to worry about. In general, though, things look fairly fine.

Plot: You're describing the backstory before the first episode. It's a common enough fanfic topic, and there's nothing wrong with it. It does come across as pretty bland, though.

[b]Tone / storyline [b]: This is the kicker. If there's one thing that reviewers will beat into you, it's "show, don't tell". This story is pretty much all the latter. The passive voice is everywhere. Descriptive, detached language is everywhere. Let me make a little list about the 'tell-y' feel of a lot of the story.

Things that have happened and that sound interesting, but that aren't shown to the reader and are only referred to after the fact:
1)How Snow grew up, found his cutie mark, and got obsessed with astronomy.
2)How Snow met Sky and got involved with Sky's research.
3)How Snow made his important, fateful discovery about the Moon changing it's moods.
4)What went through Snow's mind as he sent a message to Celestia about this, and how he sent the message.
5)What happened when he got a message back.
6)What happened at the party when he met his idol.

That's a lot of really interesting stuff that's been passed over. The story, right now, concentrates instead on a mix of ping-pong dialogue and dry monologues. You've got some really good ideas, but this feels less like a fanfic and more like a script that you'd give a set of actors.

Star wise, I would give this something like a 2.5 or 3 out of 5. There's a really, really fascinating set of plot and character based ideas here, and they're all absolutely buried in a sea of passive voice descriptions and monologues.

If I were you, I'd go ahead and write a few chapters of backstory to your chapter one. Then, incorporate that stuff into the fanfic proper. It would probably help a lot as a writing exercise even if you don't use all or even most of the backstory.

I hope this helps!

Pink Floyd's music is less enjoyable than listening to highway traffic.
>> No. 87270
File 133032742166.png - (37.31KB , 413x449 , Stormchaser is shocked and appalled.png )
Sir, you... you...

You take that back right now, sir.

I mean it, sir, you take that back please, if you will.

Sir, I'm quite serious about this, sir.
>> No. 87272
Wow. Just, wow. I was not expecting nearly this much so quickly. Thanks! I've never written a fanfic before, much less had someone read it. I hope I'm doing this right.

I'll make more specific replies in the text itself, but just some general replies here.

> I don't get why he's so rude and apprehensive to his new friends.
Earlier characterization. I was imagining him having rudimentary social skills, but I think that got boring as time went on, because I haven't done that since. I like your personality suggestion. I may have to steal it...

>For the first two chapters, Snow comes across as boringly non-descript as a prop.
I was still feeling my way around the characters when I first started writing the story. I think I've done less of "what would this character do in this situation?" and more of "what needs to happen to move the story forward and who's mouth can I put words into?" Before I re-write the story, I'm planning to write 1+ page character descriptions for the main characters so I'll know how they behave.

>You have the tendency to compact things together into big sentences. I also saw some comma splices and other things that you need to worry about.
Good to know.

> It does come across as pretty bland, though.
Is this because of the passive voice and telling not showing?

> The passive voice is everywhere.
Thanks for catching me on the passive voice thing. Now I can work on it, since I know it needs work. I'm probably trying to be too scientific or something.

>Things that have happened and that sound interesting, but that aren't shown to the reader and are only referred to after the fact:
>1)How Snow grew up, found his cutie mark, and got obsessed with astronomy.
I thought I covered that in chapter 2. I'm not writing his life story here, I'm writing about how he helped find the Mane Six. Am I giving so much information about the backstory that it distracts from the main story?
>2)How Snow met Sky and got involved with Sky's research.
I'm considering getting rid of chapter 1 and putting all the plot important information into later chapters when I rewrite the story.
>3)How Snow made his important, fateful discovery about the Moon changing it's moods.
It was shortly after he got his cutie mark that he realized he could feel the moon's moods. Should I make that clearer in the story?
>4)What went through Snow's mind as he sent a message to Celestia about this, and how he sent the message.
In chapter 2 cranberry blossom recognizes him as the pony who mentioned his concerns to Princess Celestia in public.
>5)What happened when he got a message back.
>6)What happened at the party when he met his idol.
Probably could have been more interesting, but I think I was impatient to get to chapter 3, when the ball gets rolling.

>If I were you, I'd go ahead and write a few chapters of backstory to your chapter one.
Is this like my plan to write the character descriptions?
>> No. 87273
File 133033847376.jpg - (24.26KB , 858x563 , DarksideoftheDash.jpg )
Seconded so hard.
>> No. 87288
File 133036095712.png - (58.68KB , 428x510 , hahahaplebian.png )
>Not liking Pink Floyd.
>Any year.
>> No. 87306
File 133036828787.gif - (293.67KB , 500x500 , Suicide?.gif )
Seems like self insert, but what the hay. Claiming >>86117. The review can be expected in 2-3 days.
>> No. 87310
File 133037005245.png - (858.00KB , 3000x2367 , 132320337307.png )
I'm 12 and what is pink floied
>> No. 87311
File 133037011004.jpg - (55.03KB , 550x464 , Mark_E_Smith_frowny_face.jpg )

Yeah, I would write more detailed descriptions and then go through and totally rehaul the first three chapters. The tell-y nature of the story flow and the excessive passive voice everywhere is a big problem. But the biggest problem of all is that, when reading chapter one, I felt little to nothing for both Sky and Snow. They came across as props.

Just keep thinking about the fateful question-- "Why should the reader care about these ponies?"-- and try to relate that into your story. I'm interested in seeing what it looks like after you revise it.
>> No. 87317
>Doesn't like Pink Floyd either
>> No. 87323
File 133037124509.png - (229.55KB , 585x358 , 130474676228.png )
>> No. 87328
File 133037257919.jpg - (6.83KB , 200x195 , Wish You Were Here.jpg )
Have you at least sampled their diverse discography at multiple points in the band's life? They went through quite a range of styles in their 30 year existence. Maybe you just haven't heard the right Pink Floyd for you?

Piper at the Gates of Dawn is very different from Dark Side of the Moon is totally different from The Wall has little in common with The Division Bell. Animals is also a strange case. PF were a very experimental band that went through a lot of lineup changes over the years (Syd Barrett --> Roger Waters --> David Gilmour).