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No. 87160
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Sorry, this took so long, this is what I have so far.
>She smiled to herself as her childhood joy invaded her.
'Invaded' sounds a little dark? Maybe try something like:
"She smiled as she found her favourite childhood memories flooding back to her."
This sentence leaves me a little let down though, since you don't tell me what the memories are! T_T
>The lens beamed with light specs that reflected on Twilight’s eye.
'Specs' is the shortened word/slang for 'spectacles'. In this case you want to say speck.
You could also try something like slithers, spots, circles, sparkles(works especially with Twilight) or you could go with some more florid words like diamonds or something.
>She gasped when her eyes beheld the beauty and the richness of the cluster. For a moment, she forgot about the Pleiades cluster to focus on the explosion of light before her.
This is fine, and it reads well, but it can be even nicer! Put yourself in the scene, imagine you're a lavemder unicorn looking up at those beautiful stars! (Okay, It's a little hard, but try anyway) Try and think of some words you'd say, how you feel, and try and put it down. If you do it right, your feelings shine through the writing; try and get those feelings across! Don't be afraid to use a thesaurus, too!
My attempt:
"She couldn't help but gasp in adoration at the beautiful family of stars. Pleiades completely left her mind as her eyes traced the bright dots suspended in the inky darkness— the Maressier 37 cluster."
>It looked like somepony set off a firework, and then froze it during the blast.
It looked like somepony had set off a firework, and then frozen it during the blast.
(Pluperfect tense http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pluperfect which refers to an event which takes place before another one. Here, the firework was set off before it was frozen, so you need a 'had'.)
>Twilight looked at it as she scribbled down how pretty it was.
You can do better than that! I know you can!
"Twilight stared a few moments longer before tearing her gaze away, pulled by her note-taking habit. She quickly scrawled a note of Maressier's beauty, decorating it with a schoolfilly's diary-style heart."
>Then she moved onto the next one.
Then, she moved onto the next one.
( Use commas after introductory a) clauses, b) phrases, or c) words that come before the main clause.)
>She rotated the telescope over to the star cluster, as she smiled to herself, resting her half closed eye against the visor.
She rotated the telescope over to the star cluster as she smiled to herself, resting her half closed eye against the visor.
(Don't put a comma between the main and subordinate clauses, naughty!)
>making the sensible mechanism creak with each turn.
I've never seen sensible used to descibe a mechanism, might want to change that unless you know it's right.
>She watched in awe how the stars beamed, like diamonds over black velvet.
Now that's more like it!
>Twilight kept observing every star in the cluster and as she let her mind wander she started scribbling on the scroll.
Twilight kept observing every star in the cluster, and as she let her mind wander she started scribbling on the scroll.
(Use commas to separate independent clauses when they are joined by any of these seven coordinating conjunctions: and, but, for, or, nor, so, yet.)
So here you have two independent clauses, 'Twilight kept observing every star in the cluster' and 'as she let her mind wander she started scribbling on the scroll' and you've linked them with the right conjunction, you just need a comma ;)
> Their bluish and white colors of the stars mixed between each other, flowing between one and the other, and their reflections passed right through her retina and into her mind.
The bluish and white colors of the stars mixed between each other, flowing between one another, and their reflections passed right through her retina and into her mind.
This okay, but the 'going into her mind' bit feels a little too pushy. Maybe:
"The stark blues and whites merged between the stars, creating beautiful streaks of dotted light that left marks on her retina." (Brings us back from the stars to earth! Leads on to the sentence after well, if I may say so myself ^^)
>Maybe I forgot how to blink,” she joked and then returned to the telescope,
Maybe I forgot how to blink,” she joked, and then returned to the telescope,
(Separate language tags such as 'she said' with a comma.)
>The tube made a clunk noise as the metal locked into place.
Since 'clunk' isn't really a word (I think?) I'd put it in inverted commas. Or put '-ed' after it.
>She didn’t want to wake up Spike so she went back to bed thinking on what she would tell the Princess, how she’ll break the news to her.
She didn’t want to wake up Spike so she went back to bed thinking about what she would tell the Princess, and how she’d break the news to her.
('on' changed to 'about', both work but 'about' is a little more conventional.)
('and' added after comma due to comma rules stated somewhere above.)
('she'll' changed to 'she'd' because you should express similar ideas in coordinate form, you use would before so you should use would again.)
>She didn’t want to sound too formal, but she didn’t want to sound too brainy either. Twilight turned to Spike, who held the letter up and started reading.
This should have its own paragraph, since it isn't anything to do with her speech. If it was something like: 'she said, wondering if she sounded too formal,' then it would be okay.
>I tried to measure the luminosity of the object, but I couldn't establish its class.
The 'but' here should be indicating a contrast. (It's called a juxtaposition) I don't know anything about astronomy, but does she need to know the object's class to measure its luminosity? Surely she can just use a light meter? (The 'but' here means that the clause coming after it is the reason why she couldn't measure its luminosity)
>“Do you think it sounds too formal Spike?”
Usually, names in direct address should be parenthetic (Between commas). Usually.
“Do you think it sounds too formal, Spike?”
>said Twilight arching an eyebrow.
Dialogue tags like 'said' need to be separated by a comma from the rest of the clause.
said Twilight, arching an eyebrow.
>“Yeah, you do that too much Twilight,” commented the baby dragon as he rolled the...
Same rules apply here.
“Yeah, you do that too much, Twilight,” commented the baby dragon, as he rolled the
(I know it looks like too many commas but it is right. I guess the name in parenthesis bit for this sentence could be argued against, just do what you feel sounds right for that.)
>a flame of green fire over it.
A flame of green fire is a little redundant. Like saying 'Derpy got drenched in wet water'. Maybe use something like 'a puff of green fire', or 'a lick of green fire', I don't know.
>“Go? Where are we going?” said Twilight.
I'd put 'asked' here, since it's a question. 'Said' is more for statements and stuff.
>Spike smiled proudly, as Twilight darted to her room to get her saddle bags.
That comma shouldn't be there. (Don't put a comma between the two verbs or verb phrases in a compound predicate.)
>“Will do Twilight!” said Spike as he imitated a military salute and resumed his duty.
“Will do Twilight!” said Spike, as he imitated a military salute and resumed his duty.
>If the storm had been there during the night, maybe nopony from the Observatory saw the object! What was it anyway?
I would put this in italics since it's Twilight's thoughts.
>She didn’t realize she was crossing the bridge to Fluttershy’s cottage, until she heard her hooves stepping on the wooden planks.
Don't put a comma after the main clause when a dependent (subordinate) clause follows it (except for cases of extreme contrast).
Incorrect (Not contrasty enough): She was late for class, because her alarm clock was broken.
Incorrect: The cat scratched at the door, while I was eating. (Also yours goes here)
Correct: She was still quite upset, although she had won the Oscar. (This comma use is correct because it is an example of extreme contrast)
>“Hey there Fluttershy!” said Twilight.
“Hey there, Fluttershy!” said Twilight.
(Also, a little note, you don't very your speech tags very much. Remember, you can use things that aren't really speech tags as speech tags, like this:
“Hey there, Fluttershy!” smiled Twilight.
'Smiled' isn't really a way of saying something, but you can still use it like this. This gives you more words to choose from to diversify your speech tags!)
>“I hope you had a good night sleep”
“I hope you had a good night's sleep”
>and started to establish cattegories.
Typo :P
>“Why did it caught you off guard?”
This should be catch. It's kind of hard to explain... past-participles and things...
>“Yeah, which is why it puzzles me,” said Twilight raising an eyebrow.
“Yeah, which is why it puzzles me,” said Twilight, raising an eyebrow.
>Did anypony else discovered it too? Or was she the only one?
Two problems.
>Did anypony else discovered it too?
'Did' should be 'had', because it needs to be pluperfect tense.
>Or was she the only one?
Is kind of a continuation of the last question, so they should really be strung together. Or with ellipses to show that these are thoughts coming to her in order.
Had anypony else discovered it too? ...Or was she the only one?
Had anypony else discovered it too, or was she the only one?
>as the lights of the day changed from clear blue and white ones, to orange and reddish.
Could be a little more smooth.
as the lights of the day changed from clear blues and whites to oranges and reds.
>“Goodnight Twilight,” said Fluttershy with a smile. “Have a good night sleep!”
“Goodnight Twilight,” said Fluttershy, with a smile. “Have a good night's sleep!”
>Twilight left Fluttershy’s cottage on a slow pace
Twilight left Fluttershy’s cottage at a slow pace
>“Did The Princess reply?” inquired Twilight.
“Did the Princess reply?” inquired Twilight.
>Owlowiscious was on his perch and he looked like he just woke up from his slumber.
Owlowiscious was on his perch and looked like he had just woken up from his slumber.
>“Bon Appetit,” said Spike with a hint of sarcasm.
“Bon Appetit,” said Spike, with a hint of sarcasm.
>“Thank you Spike,” said Twilight, with a sincere smile as she took a spoon fool.
It looks like it could be a typo... But I'm not sure. (Fool should be full)
>“Oh my Gosh, it was a nightmare,” said Twilight.
I'm actually not sure what gosh means, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, the speech tag here could be a little more interesting. Why not: 'cried Twilight'?
>“I know! Her collection rivals with Rarity’s,” said Spike as he took a sip of his drink.
“I know! Her collection rivals with Rarity’s,” said Spike, as he took a sip of his drink.
Maybe 'agreed Spike'?
>“Wha-? What do you mean?” said Twilight as she finished the rest of the soup and moved onto the second dish.
“Wha-? What do you mean?” said Twilight, as she finished the rest of the soup and moved on to the second dish.
>“Maybe your book is outdated too,” said Spike, and then added.
This kind of stops half-way through. What did he add afterwards? I'm confused.
>The coordinates left Twilight’s mouth with dead voice.
The coordinates left Twilight’s mouth with a dead voice.
>What Twilight saw burned through her retina and all the way into her mind.
Feels like you're going a little too far with this one ^^;
>Her thoughts involuntary escaped from her mouth.
Her thoughts involuntarily escaped from her mouth.
I was just wondering, I'm no astronomer, but for an object out in space to double in size and move several parsecs downwards in less than sixteen hours, what kind of speed does it need to be travelling at? And also, if it's moved down in the sky by several parsecs, doesn't that mean it won't collide with the planet, since it's on a downward trajectory? Wouldn't a planet that is going to hit stay in the same position in the sky and just get bigger? Since the lengths we're dealing with in space are so huge, surely even the slightest move downwards in the sky means that the planet will miss?
I know the whole Bellesario's Maxim thing but it still kind of bugs me. I'm probabky wrong but I thought I should put that out there anways. Other than that I have a few comments...
Sentence variation
Your longer paragraphs of description and action seem to be made up of simple statements. They are varied, but still kind of lacking. I'm not sure how to say it, but they need more. They all seem to just say something and stop, some of them with commas and others not. I would focus on simply writing longer sentences and using some other types of punctuation. Maybe some dashes and semicolons. Try to make your sentences flow into each other, and structure your paragraphs in a coherent way; they need to have one topic each. When you change topic, move to a new paragraph. Don't write thinking 'I need to write at least this much for it to look like a proper paragraph' but write just what you think. If you can't don't think there's any more to add on the topic, end the paragraph there. Don't add any unneeded fluff just to make the paragraph longer.
Characterization
There were a few bits of speech which seemed a little OOC to me. For example:
>"...What’s the meaning of this!?”
>“Maybe that’s why you couldn’t identify that object.”
>“I know! Her collection rivals with Rarity’s,”
>“No, she did not,”
I'm not sure what to say about this. It's a subtle art, and I'll try to explain at least why these examples seem OOC.
#1) 'What's the meaning of this?' just sounds weird coming out of Twilight's mouth. To understand why, we need to pick apart and understand what's being said. 'What's the meaning of this?' is demanding to know the reason why something is occurring. It's the kind of thing that someone in charge of something says to demand an explanation of why something bad has happened. Twilight isn't the bossy type, and she isn't really much of the leader type either. 'What's the meaning of this?' is just too formal and also doesn't suit her personality. I can see her saying something like 'This doesn't make any sense!' or 'I don't understand!' or even 'what's going on!?'
#2)'Maybe that’s why you couldn’t identify that object' is said by Spike. This doesn't suit Spike at all becuase he's using two instances of advanced vocabulary and Spike isn't the type to use it. Even Twilight, who's the actual egghead, doesn't use much specialist vocab in the show, so Spike shouldn't be either. Object and Indentify are the words we're looking at here, and although they aren't that difficult or rare, they are for Spike to be saying them. I can see Spike saying something like 'Maybe that's why you couldn't find out what the star-thing was?' but not 'identify' and 'object'. That's Twilight talk.
#3)'I know! Her collection rivals with Rarity’s' is also by Spike. This is weird for the same reasons, the way he uses rivals is a little too advanced for simple Spike. I can see him saying 'I know! She has almost as many as Rarity!' though.
#4)'No, she did not' is by Spike again. This is for similar reasons, but not becuase of the words. It's too formal for Spike, who'd use contractions wherever possible. That means this should be:' No, she didn't'. That's prefectly acceptable.
It's difficult to gague at times, but there are a few little moments with your dialogue that don't fit. I guess it would do to comb over the speech once more, but I don't think it was that much of a huge problem through chapter one. It think this should be more of a 'remember for the next time you write' thing.
Speech tags
Finally, I also wanted to talk about the speech tags. As I said, you don't vary them very much and you use a lot of 'he said's and 'she said's. You can add an adverb after these tags to alter them a little, but ideally you should just try and find new words all together. For example, you can use verbs that can actually describe speech like ' Spike growled', or you can use words that can't even decribe speech at all, but just narrate an action, like 'Fluttershy winced'. Although it's not a 'proper' speech tag, it still works like one and I'm pretty sure it's not wrong.
Has it changed since I last reviewed it? Yes. I think it has, I can see some definite improvements in pacing since the last time, the Fluttershy bit comes to mind foremost. It was such a long time ago that it's fuzzy, but I'm quite sure the Fluttershy bit was longer and more drawn out, as well as the initial stargazing bit. Now it's a lot more to-the-point and that's good, but it also brings out another problem.
Now that you're shortened it, the point of the Fluttershy bit seems to get lost. I know it's just meant to increase tension in the reader, which is always a good tactic, but here it might be detrimental.
You need to look at it in terms of the story. This is the very first chapter, and the reader has decided to give your story a look. How generous of him. The problem is, with most readers, you only have a few dozen pages to hook them, or otherwise they're just going to hit the back button and leave. You've got the beginning of a very interesting story here, and I don't doubt that they'll want to read on. The problem is, you have this Fluttershy bit right in the 'sweet spot' where you need to have lots of exciting stuff to ensnare the reader. Once the reader is hooked, you can have stuff like the Fluttershy bit. That's because they're already invested in the story and they won't be like, 'this is boring,' because it's not- it's building up tension.
So basically what I'm trying to say is that the Fluttershy bit is shorter, and that's good, but I still fear that you're going to lose some readers here. That's pretty much my only major comment on this chapter. I'm not actually too sure what to do about it, maybe you could use in media res at the start or something?
Review done to http://snd.sc/i5tT6g on loop. Swaaag.
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