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File 133048822278.png - (59.05KB , 200x200 , Leland2.png )
87698 No. 87698
What? These aren't fics! This is wholesale deception! NOW THAT'S THE IDEA! It's just an old tattered copy of of Past Sins edited with an alicorn playing frisbee. For $100? SOLD! Who the hell has an alicorn playing frisbee? You're crazy like a fox, here's my wallet!

Your one stop shop for alicorns and frisbees! FICS. Books about MLA. Come and get 'em at FICS. Just ride the /fic/ shuttle right up the thread to FICS. Come on down where you can turn to stone in the gaze of a grouchy cockatrice. We will make that happen for you!

>BKAW< "Oh sweet Celestia, n-"

All the cool kids wanna write FICS for the winter! Your little sister is insane for FICS! I bet I know what you four clop to! FICS! I really like it when my grammar is elegant and perfect! FICS.

We've got deep-fried seaponies and horse puns! FICS. One time I chased a squirrel into Twilight's library and after that I couldn't find him! FICS. I am not lying, ladies and gentlemen. You get a 10 out of 10 on a Vanner Review, and I'll let you come down here and SNAP MY SUSPENDERS. I am THAT crazy. FICS!

Applebloom & Sweetie Belle! We've got them in stock at FICS! If you don't come down here in the next ten minutes, I'm gonna stare into the eyes of a grouchy cockatrice! Come on down, buck my apples. Anyone got a good mare? Bring her down. I'll show her who's boss. I know how to handle a mare when she gets out of control. FICS.

New authors! Bring your freshly created stories and I will pick up a brick and hit your story WITH THAT BRICK. Come anytime! We will not run out of bricks! If you wanna eat a big mouthful of pie then come on down here and TRY IT and I'll RAINBOOM YOU in the FACE! You'll drop like a FILLY. FILLLLYYY! Look at my little teeth! Don't you touch my suspenders! FICS.

How to submit a fic/find your review: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsHowTo
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Previous edition of The Training Grounds: >>85147 The sticky (contains important information): >>43232

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372 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 89836
File 133121999537.jpg - (177.82KB , 840x473 , Icarus Cover Art.jpg )
89836
Title - Icarus
Name - Tamar
Email - [email protected]
Tags - Adventure

Synopsis - It is the beginning of summer, and for Twilight it seems as if nothing could ruin her day off with her friends.
Then, without warning, Equestria is enveloped in a mysterious thick fog. Rainbow Dash races to Cloudsdale to find the source of the problem, leaving her friends worrying for her safety and struggling to cope in Ponyville.
Nothing can prepare Rainbow for what she finds in Cloudsdale, and things go from bad to worse when Twilight receives urgent news from Canterlot about Princess Celestia...

Links
Chapter One:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HQnU355THe7YLXkSUeSjULtmd-FeH8lHM-J9TUfbNMI/edit

Chapter Two:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QC2XtSAp6LygR1lkv3QdfPlvt_mqSM7O7h8i8IbHfZo/edit

Chapter Three:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PS6pwyJvh9y0ReySzXQBKnoifnQ-66H_GL6KAnzZTBw/edit

Chapter Four:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jTCSIMUftPbDE0mFd5SwO8JJilVgd-VOKhRy9QwxfNw/edit

I'd like to have all chapters reviewed, please.

This has already been extensively worked on with Dublio. See comments: >>89505

What you see is essentially a finished product. Mechanically it should be clean, although it's virtually impossible to get every single little error. What I really would like is for a reviewer to see that it reads smoothly, there's nothing that jars or sounds awkward, and that it is a plausible and enjoyable story.

There are a couple of particular issues I'd like to address:
1. Tags - That is, what tags should it have? I wanted to avoid the Dark tag, because I don't want to put off readers - but it's not fair to not give it a dark tag and then through a load of grimdark at the reader. The same goes for shipping; there is a light shipping undercurrent in the story; it is important for the plot, but again I didn't want to give it a shipping tag because it isn't a "shipfic". In the end though, I would be more willing to give it a shipping tag if I had to, than a dark tag.

2. Description - basically, can you help me write a good description for it to hook readers?

And of course anything, and I mean anything, else that comes to your mind. Hopefully it shouldn't be too much work for any reviewer that chooses it, since most of the hard work has already been done! But it is on last chance with the EQD prereaders (I got impatient a while back ... which is why I'm submitting it for even more reviewing), so I really want to get this right. I've put a lot of effort into writing and extensive rewriting.
>> No. 89837
>>89836
Should have said, the google docs are open for comments.
>> No. 89839
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89839
>>89836
Pretty much finished? I'll take a look.

Here's my reviewer statement: http://derpy.me/uQgc1

I'll probably leave you some comments in-doc and then cap it off with a post here later. Let the reviewing begin!
>> No. 89850
>>89284

Thanks for the review, all points agreed.

This was an attempt to emulate other author's (mostly W E Johns of the Biggles book) writing styles. It obviously hasn't worked (cheers for being honest).

I'm glad you found something to like in the world, so I'll keep the storyline and rewrite without the ridiculousness and exposition.

Keep reviewing!
>> No. 89852
Why has no one posted an update yet?
>> No. 89863
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89863
>>89852
Why does anyone do anything?
>> No. 89870
>>89863
why doesn't* anyone do anything?
>> No. 89871
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89871
Thread's about to autosage already, wow time sure went fast. Anyhoo, have an update!

Small note: Split wanted me to remind any prospective thread sweepers to also add how far they've gotten when adding fics. That way, we know where to pick off from. Thanks in advance!

STATS

Unclaimed: 27
Pending reviews: 13
Reviews not yet seen by the author: 10

REVIEWS THAT NEED ACKNOWLEDGMENT:

StarmanTheta | 2/28/2012 | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
ReviewerInTraining | 3/5/2012 | 1/31/2012 | The Three Souls | Athlon2736 | >>81058
Split Infinitive | 3/5/2012 | 2/10/2012 | Neo-Equestria | herpyderpy | >>83329
Grif | 2/25/2012 | 2/11/2012 | A Star's Golden Chance | The Zephyr | >>83578
Sparky | 3/5/2012 | 2/16/2012 | Azurite Dawn | Tandyman100 | >>84726
Eustatian | 3/5/2012 | 2/19/2012 | Contact: Apple Harvest | Ty500600 | >>85571
Pascoite | 2/26/2012 | | 2/25/2012 | Bones, Diamonds, and Time. | Noclipper | >>86966
Simon o'Sullivan | 2/26/2012 | | 2/26/2012 | The Manly Man Way | GWFan | No TTG Post
Swiper | 3/4/2012 | 3/2/2012 | The Sweetest Gem | The Rarispy | >>88462
Ion-Sturm | 3/6/2012 | 3/5/2012 | protectorate | hobrohazard | >>88930


PENDING REVIEWS:

TimeForKronos | | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
Bidoof | | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendships is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
CheeseDeluxe| | | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
Josh Meihaus | | | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
Seattle_Lite | | | | 2/12/2012 | From Canterlot with Love | Sagebrush | >>83644
Exarona | | | | 2/16/2012 | My Choices: Twisted Tales Through Time | Koolerkid | >>84836
Pascoite | | | | 2/26/2012 | Harmonic Chaos | Kurbz | >>87187
brokenimage321| | | | 2/26/2012 | A New Mare | Charcoal Quill | >>87199
Halcyon | | | | 2/27/2012 | Resolution | I_Post_Ponies | >>87450
TheGreatandPowerful!Trixie| | | | 2/28/2012 | The Fixers | Kyrie Illumina | >>87702
Arcanus Brighthorn | | | | 2/29/2012 | Daring Do and the Alicorn's Shadow | Crowind | >>88026
Filler | | | | 3/3/2012 | My Little Pony: The Glowmelon Mystery | Legendary Emerald | >>88533
Ezn | | | | 2/29/2012 | Icarus | Tamar | >>89836


UNCLAIMED FICS:

| | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
| | | | 2/20/2012 | The Carnival of Chaos Chapter 2 | Dext | >>85808
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Termina's Final Twilight | Foursword4 | >>86531
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Birthright | Netaro | >>86544
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Spirits of Harmony Rewrite, Chapter I | Stormchaser | >>86575
| | | | 2/24/2012 | Kindle the Bonfire | sirhim11 | >>86730
| | | | 2/27/2012 | Redemption of the Fireheart | Your Antagonist (VegaKS03) | >>87358
| | | | 2/27/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>87471
| | | | 2/29/2012 | Out of Context | Nuke_Equestria | >>87788
| | | | 2/29/2012 | The Pony Scrolls: Nightfall | Storywrite | >>88009
| | | | 3/01/2012 | Making Things Write | MegaTank | >>88151
| | | | 3/01/2012 | Millennium Eclipse | Lucky Stampede | >>88110
| | | | 3/02/2012 | The Conversion Bureau : The Untold Story | Shader | >>87789
| | | | 3/02/2012 | Silence is Bittersweet | Truehearted | >>88378
| | | | 3/02/2012 | Under Every Lamppost | SwiperTheFox | >>88460
| | | | 3/03/2012 | Finding The Answers | Nesstrodamus | >>88489
| | | | 3/03/2012 | Pinkie Pie's Wonderful Flying Machine | OmegaPony11 | >>88537
| | | | 3/04/2012 | Fluttershy's Little Secret | Masem | >>88694
| | | | 3/04/2012 | Dear Princess Celestia, | brokenimage321 | >>88753
| | | | 3/05/2012 | Spitfire Meets Twilight | Dracoliat | >>88858
| | | | 3/05/2012 | What the Future Holds | OmniscientTurtle | >>89030
| | | | 3/06/2012 | Word of Malice | Twisted Night | >>89179
| | | | 3/06/2012 | Redstreak Jack: Orchards of Time | Impossible Numbers | >>89180
| | | | 3/06/2012 | The Profits of War | Present Perfect | >>89259
| | | | 3/06/2012 | I Don't Hurt Anymore | Ciero989 | >>89390
| | | | 3/07/2012 | As of yet Untitled Luna X Celestia | Rex Ivan | >>89423
| | | | 3/07/2012 | Resonance of Chaos | Broznik | >>89064
>> No. 89876
>>89262
http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/12121
It appears the author's revoked his (her?) submission and deleted his (her?) post, so I'm dropping it.
>> No. 89877
>>89876
As a result, I'm picking up Making Things Write at >>88151.
>> No. 89894
>>88462
>>88836

Thank you for your review. And no, you don't need to do anything more. I think I get the gist of it.

While I don't agree with Sweetie Belle treating her crush like a 'Disney Princess' would, I do think maybe she does need to be more optimistic about it once she does find out she has feelings for Spike.

(Just to reiterate since it wasn't all that clear in CH1 and maybe I should make it more so, Sweetie Belle isn't initially aware she has feelings for Spike.)

Yeah, the "passive voice" is what's really killing me. It's hard for me to avoid it while also leaving all the emotion to the characters. But I'll give it another whirl and see what I can do.

That being said, I think I'm gonna pull out and take a break for a little while. This thing has been stressing me out and eating my time, I think I need to step away from it for a little while.

(Thanks for your concern, by the way. I already HAVE gotten skeptics about this pairing. I just don't understand how shipping Spike with a foal is weird, yet shipping him with Rarity, an ADULT mare, is perfectly normal just because it's semi-canon. What.)
>> No. 89908
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89908
>>88787
This was acknowledged already, not sure why Split hasn't removed it from the queue.
>> No. 89914
>>89452
This story doesn't seem to be in the queue. Or maybe it was prematurely removed from the queue.
>> No. 89915
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89915
>>89894
Sure, I understand that you'd want to take your time with it. Getting the inspiration for writing is far from easy. I'm glad that I could help at least.
>> No. 89924
>>89894
>Re: Spikity vs Spiky Belle

note that in canon, Rarity shows no signs of any more interest than humoring an innocent kid-crush.

Ever been the target of a kid-crush? It's about 60% adorable, 30% irritating, 10% awkward, and 0% creepy -- unless the kid in question is a tweenager. Never experienced one of those, but I've heard it's most unpleasant.

And, what age is Sweetie again?

So, this is a concept that can go really innocent or really uncomfortable or somewhere in between. "Hostage Situation" by Sgt Sprinkles comes to mind as a story with this concept that I enjoyed. (The "Cupcakes" guy, oddly enough. Proof that he has more tricks than sick grimdark.)

http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/03/story-hostage-situation.html

---

Just some quick thoughts...

- why is Spike reciprocating?? Mm?? He's been all over Rarity (in his innocent baby way) pretty steadily. I need some justification to buy his change of heart. But, I think making him deal with an unwanted crush would make for better drama than waving the Author's Magic Wand of Now You Love Her over him.

- Ooh, so much opportunity for awkward Sweetie...
(I am not allowed to write these fics anymore, btw)

>I want to run away from Spike every time I see him, but when he's not looking, I just can't stop watching him! Why?! What am I going to do? My whole life is ruined!

Perfecto. Delicioso.

- I'm sorely tempted to jump in and second-opinion the comments. not really to disagree per se, but I have a different perspective at points. But, if you wanna break, Rarispy, I don't need to pull you in.

Instead, I think I'm gonna request Swiper for "Fear of Falling," which should land by Sunday. (As usual, I'm happy to wait my turn.) How do you feel about kinda sensual, kinda d'awkward shipping?

Oh, and...

claim
>>88460 Under Every Lamppost
Romcom? Music? Sounds fun enough. Loving narrative voice in first chapter.
>> No. 89932
>>87639 >>87256 >>87187
Detailed comments done in-doc.

Hm. It's been long enough since the previous draft that I don't remember anything I was going to say. I'll just sweep that under the rug, then.

Hook:
Borderline, but on the good side. The conflict is definitely interesting, but it's not until the third paragraph that any hint of it becomes apparent. Until then, the little snippets of something untoward could have been about tact or embarrassment. It does work, but I'm tempted to recommend showing something through a glimmer of facial expression or body language, however minute, in the first paragraph to indicate that Pinkie knows what she's doing might potentially be wrong, even dangerous. The eventual reveal of a "relationship" with Discord (not really a spoiler due to title/tags) is nice. It's an unusual, but not unheard of, pairing that I rather like, so you had my interest.

Style:
There are some issues with repetitive words and phrasing. There are also some grand opportunities to show that were passed up, but on the whole, it's much improved over the last draft. Mechanics overall are better even in the rewritten sections, so you're definitely learning. A surprising number of writers can't or won't do that.

Characters:
Of course, there are only two to speak of, so there's not a lot to say... They behave differently than seen in the show, but IMO justifiably so, especially given Pinkie's recent appearance with Cranky Doodle Donkey, in which she does show the ability to be empathetic. Discord's progression to disgruntled villain does happen rather quickly, but at least you do explain his mindset, and you've got a nice, wistful mood going. It won't suit everyone's tastes, but I liked it.

Plot:
A light, sweet romance - my favorite kind, so I'm biased in your favor. You could easily stretch the section detailing Discord's memories, perhaps as flashbacks, and draw out the length quite a bit, though I know you're reluctant to do so. It would add to the emotional investment of both Pinkie and the reader, and lend more credence to his transformation. As I said in-doc it also makes me wonder what implications Discord's memories will now have on Pinkie's attitude toward Celestia and Luna. The only other thing I have to say about the plot is the ending. It's been long enough since I read the prior draft that I don't remember exactly how it ended, but I'm pretty sure you changed it. I was disappointed that the older version left the reader hanging, but this one does so as well, with the added problem of being inconsistent with the beginning. I still don't get the sense that the relationship will develop any more, but now there's doubt cast about whether the entire thing even happened. Pinkie's awfully flippant about just leaving after she wakes up, and it's incongruous with the emotional involvement through the dream and her dedication to making her weekly pilgrimage. It just feels somehow unsatisfying, which can be worse even than a bad ending. If you're deliberately going for a open ending that the reader can interpret multiple ways, then I suppose you've got one, but there is a special place in hell for authors like that. I still get pissed about that one fic... ... ... rage fading...

Ok, I liked this fic. It's a nice light romance where you took a couple of characters out of their comfort zones, but believably so. The ending didn't sit right with me, but then it doesn't have to if it says what you wanted it to say. I'm seeing significantly fewer errors in the sections you've revised, so you're obviously putting in the effort. A little more showing is needed, but it's getting there. Keep writing, and have fun with it.

I'll wrap up, as it's in the wee hours now, and i feel like I'm rambling. Questions or clarification needed? Ask away, here, email, or irc.
>> No. 89937
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89937
>>88026
This fic is definitely not the worst thing I've ever reviewed, not even close, but it definitely rubbed me the wrong way. In fact, I wouldn't be exaggerating too much if I said that it was one of the most irritating things I've ever read. The style and word choice are so damn pretentious. I feel like this was written in a botched attempt to impress more than in an attempt to entertain. The biggest red flag was the word choice. You used certain adjectives that sound like impressive words on their own, but when slightly misused (as they were in this fic) come off as grating and hopelessly infuriating for some indeterminable reason (e.g. Your use of the word "ethereal"). While we're on the topic of word choice, PLEASE keep dialogue in character! I just can't see Nightmare Moon saying: "I shall be the only sovereign to rule them!" Furthermore, why do you use oddly specific nouns when something more general would bring a smoother feel into the fic? Such unnecessary specificity is distracting and, you guessed it, damn pretentious. A good example is your use of the word "incisors". Why would you talk about a pony's incisors gleaming in the moonlight? Is there a specific reason to call attention to the incisors?

Next on the agenda is your purple style, which does absolutely nothing to help the aura of pretentiousness surrounding this fic. On the contrary, it makes it come off as that much more pretentious. Ordinarily, I wouldn't call so much attention to an excessively descriptive style (well I would, I just wouldn't continue to bash it afterwards), but this was essentially an action scene. You bogged down an action scene with unnecessary, annoying, descriptions. Worse yet, these descriptions often apply to details, not the main event.

Summary: Pretentious times gaudy + purple squared.

I went line-by-line for the entire prologue. The corrections are in the GDoc (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UIyMv5eC425u4tSyqYb2UHKLl1YYMG2q1sDyK4nlebc/edit). I'll get the review of chapter one to you tonight or tomorrow, but I've got a lot on my plate, so it won't be line-by-line.
>> No. 89945
>>88151
>>89877

I'm not the best of reviewers, nor am I the most clear. If you have any questions, do ask. I'm far from infallible—this is all just my opinion. That said, do take everything I say with a pinch of salt. Most of the things will be subjective, grammar included.


Thoughts going into the fic
-Cute title.
-That picture. I... What?
-Tags. Normal and Adventure don't mix.
-Synopsis.
>Behind every great book is a great writer. Almost everypony knows of the intrepid adventures of Daring Do, but few know the truth about her creator.
This sounds like the introduction to a high school essay. You could easily condense this into some phrase and tack it onto the next sentence.

>This is the story of Opal Parchment, a young mare trying to finish the last Daring Do adventure before it's too late. Her quest lands her in Ponyville, where Opal gets the unexpected help of two of her biggest fans.
Likewise, this sounds unnecessarily wordy. You don't need to say “This is the story of.” And what do you mean by “it's too late”? I'm not going to read your story to find out something that you're supposed to be using to draw me in. Unless you fluff it so that I don't actually care why it'd be too late, only what happens if it is too late.


Reading comments
In-doc.


Overall
-Vary your sentence structure. This point is one of the most important points on this list. I'll grab one of your paragraphs and try to show you what I mean:

>Applejack grabbed the hoof and pulled on it as hard as she could. “Come on Rainbow Dash, up an’ at ‘em.”

>Rainbow Dash slid through the books and finally got back up. “Urgh, my head.”

>Applejack noticed Rainbow Dash had a couple of lumps on her head. “You okay, sugarcube?”

>Rainbow Dash rubbed her head, and checked the rest of her body, which had a few fresh bruises. “I’ve had worse. What just happened?”

>Applejack’s face contorted slightly “That little snake pulled a fast one on us. I think Rarity ran off to get herself cleaned off or somethin’.”

>Rainbow Dash was now back to hovering in the air. “I guess that explains the glass of juice on the floor. Why, that little trickster... we’re not letting her get away with this.”

This is what you have. Now let me try to rewrite it.

>Applejack grabbed the hoof and pulled it as hard as she could. “Come on, Rainbow Dash,” she grunted. “Up an’ at ‘em.”

>Rainbow Dash rose through the books to her hooves with the grace of a sleep-deprived elephant. “Urgh, my head,” she said, rubbing her head with a hoof and finding several sizable lumps.

>“You okay, Rainbow Dash?”

>Rainbow Dash looked over the rest of her body. She had a few bruises. “I’ve had worse,” she replied. She turned back to Applejack. “What just happened?”

>“That little snake pulled a fast one on us,” said Applejack with a scowl. “I think Rarity ran off to get herself cleaned off or somethin’.”

>Rainbow Dash took to her wings again. “I guess that explains the glass of juice on the floor. Why, that little trickster...” She looked out the window, seeing a trail blood leading outside. “We’re not letting her get away with this.”

Yeah, I didn't change much. I'm not good at this, either. Also, you have Rarity run off because she was splashed with apple juice. This is what I mean by one-dimensional.

-Good grief. Ellipses. Have I mentioned how much I hate ellipses when they're overused? I should mention that.

-However. Unfortunately. Fortunately. Don't start sentences with these words—they get really trite really fast.

-Your camera (or at least, what I call the camera, since it's what I see in my head) shakes about quite violently. It goes from one perspective to another. Choose a perspective and stick to it.

-And when you do choose a perspective, don't choose Opal's. Because she's an OC and I don't think this will fly too well on EqD with that perspective. Of course, this is entirely my opinion, but I think it's worth mentioning. May want to consider a second opinion.

-Speakers go at the first sensible break. I shouldn't be seeing “(five sentences of dialogue),” said Twilight.

-Pretty much all of your dialogue and actions are scripted. It's like the characters are your puppets and you're pulling their strings from behind the scenes. Of course, that's how writing works—you tell them to do things, and they do them. You, however, don't hide the strings very well. Or at all. Everything seems unnatural.

-This is bad because you have more dialogue than narrative. Talking heads and all that.

-Tacking onto that, your characterization is... well, flat. The scripted dialogue has a lot to do with that. I can describe all your characters in one or two sentences without losing much. Twilight's the heavy-handed problem solver, Rainbow Dash is the energetic Daring Do fan, Applejack is southern or something, and Rarity acts high-class. Opal is the fugitive bride.

-Rainbow Dash seems too personally invested in this to be in character. What's her motive? For that matter, what's everyone's motive? The only ones with real motives that they act upon here are Opal and the guard, making them the most realistic characters. Twilight, AJ, Rarity, RD, and the mayor are... not.

-Why does Opal head into a library when she's on the run?

-I hope you're writing about Opal, the author of the Daring Do series, and not Opal, some random OC. Because right now, that's what she feels like. Which is to be expected, since this is still chapter one, but it's still something to be brought up.

-The disproportionate amount of time you spend on her as opposed to Twilight and the rest sets off my Sue-dar. That shouldn't be expected, and I believe this to be an issue.

-Blatant copy/paste from the comments:

Okay, so, uh, pacing. Let me introduce you to my* theory of pacing.

There are two different paces at work here: The pacing at which you mean for it to be--that is, the pacing in your head--and the pacing at which I read it at, the pacing in my head. They are two different paces when you're not doing it right. Let's take your passage, for example.

>"Are you sure you don't want to..." the mayor started, only to notice Twilight had already teleported away. "Never mind."

In your head, there is a break between "to..." and "the mayor" and another break between "away" and "Never mind", or at least, I would assume so. Maybe not the first, but definitely the second. Here's the thing: breaks like this in writer pacing don't carry over to reader pacing. To me, it feels like there's something missing.

Now, I'd like to introduce to you something called the beat: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Comic_timing

As Wikipedia says, it's "a pause taken for the purposes of comic timing, often to allow the audience time to recognize the joke and react, or to heighten the suspense before delivery of the expected punch line." Now, in media where time passed is the same for everyone (television, music, radio, etc.)

Of course, in writing, you don't get that silence. So, you have to turn to other options. In comics, they use something called the beat panel. Here's an example: http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2001/4/18/ It's a panel with nothing in it. It's there to convey a sense of passing of time. So you need to do that with writing somehow. Here's some examples of how you can do that:


>"Are you sure you don't want to..." the mayor started, only to notice Twilight had already teleported away.

>"Never mind."

- or -

>"Are you sure you don't want to..." the mayor started, only to notice Twilight had already teleported away. She sighed. "Never mind."

- or -

>"Are you sure you don't want to..." the mayor started, only to notice Twilight had already teleported away.

>She sighed. "Never mind."

In prose, you can accomplish this with text that doesn't have any action vital to the story. You can use it to describe scenery (As the two stared at each other, the clouds slowly blotted out the sun.) or some body language (She slowly blinked, her jaw slacked open.). Alternatively (or in combination), you can use a line break, but line breaks don't always work well alone for this purpose.

Finally, let's clean up that speaker tag because I detest speaker tags after ellipses.

>"Are you sure you don't want to..." The mayor turned around, only to notice Twilight had already teleported away.

>She sighed. "Never mind."

*I do mean my theory because I cannot think of another reviewer who thinks the same. I haven't asked any other reviewer about it, but I haven't heard anything, either. Well, except Shuckle, but he's long gone and he called it something else without really explaining what he meant.

Closing thoughts
I can see this story going up on EqD. After rewrites with the characterization workover, the pacing/style/showdon'ttell/perspective workover, and the filling in of the plotholes. Here's my suggestion: Take your story and write an outline from it. A full outline. From there, make edits to the plot as necessary to fill in any plot holes you have. Then start fleshing out the characters by establishing their motives. Then rewrite the story and dialogue from there.

I'll admit that this wasn't a comprehensive review, but I think the issues here need to be addressed first. Adding the bells and whistles come after making the core thing work.

Since I'm usually not a conceptual reviewer, you may want a second opinion.
>> No. 89957
>>89030
After rolling about twenty numbers between one and fifty, yours was the first that was under ten thousand words, wasn't already claimed, and wasn't shipping.
>> No. 89968
>>88996
This is one of the funniest posts I have ever read; the fact that it's in TTG just makes it even better.
>> No. 89984
>>89945

Thanks for the help.

I think it worth trying to at least fix it as it is. If I rewrite it, I imagine a lot of it's going to be the same. Quite a few of the problems I don't think are going to be as difficult to fix as you make it out to be. I think it'll be at most a last resort.

I think I understand most of the problems highlighted. That doesn't mean I'll get them all right, but I'll try.
>> No. 89994
>>89984
Rewriting need not mean starting from scratch. I more or less meant revising.
>> No. 90001
File 133131993225.png - (183.34KB , 1475x1491 , CursorConcentrate.png )
90001
>inb4autosage
>>89839
>>89836
I've made a whole bunch of comments in your doc, as you know. Here's the rest of the review:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nNeogO0lv9GSw7YxVIqgOdS_ZeVMhnM-Seh0eIuJJAQ/edit

tl;dr: Technically sound, but I have some suggestions about the plot that you can take or leave.
>> No. 90025
>>89932
Just a single question: how imperative is it that I show more of the memories?
>> No. 90028
>>89924
Oh, I don't mind if you add your own comments. Feel free. I'm not going to go back to writing the story for a while, but I'll still read whatever critique anyone has to give.

The more, the merrier.
>> No. 90030
Got a comment back from an EQD prereader that left me a bit perplexed.

The section in question, in context:

>“Zecora could’ve given us some better directions, at least,” Spike groused. “‘You’ll find the home of leyleaf to be the gardens of Castle Everfree’? Maybe that worked a thousand years ago, but the whole place is completely overgrown these days!”

>Unless Spike is misquoting, those aren't Zecora's words.

But those are Zecora's words, as denoted by the single quotes. Am I missing something, or mangling punctuation?
>> No. 90034
>>90030
I'm guessing the comment is referring to the incomplete rhyme at the most logical point, ie leyLEAF does not completely match with EverFREE. However, if you emphasised that the phrase cuts off at to BE, then that would make for a more complete rhyme.
So maybe try rephrasing this as
>‘You’ll find the home of leyleaf to be- the gardens of the Castle Everfree’
or something that has a closer match of a rhyme scheme and reflects the different lines as Zecora would speak them.
>> No. 90040
>>90034

Hm. That could be it. I hadn't considered that someone might read the meter differently than intended. That's what I get for making up a word with a sound too close to the rhyme, I suppose. And for writing sloppy meter in the first place. Easily cleaned up, though.
>> No. 90049
>>90025
Personally, I would, but I can't tell you I'm right. You'll have to weigh for yourself whether it would add anything and be worth the investment. I just felt like it's the key to portraying Discord as a sympathetic figure and transforming the relationship from a commune of kindred spirits to a real emotional investment. It seemed glossed-over, and if I don't fully understand Pinkie's thought process (man, never thought I'd be writing that phrase!), then I'm not emotionally invested either. Just the opinion of one reader. I may be in the minority. You seem to want to keep the story short, and the way you've chosen to display the memories so far does lend itself to being tell-y, so I understand your dilemma. In the end, you have to make the product that feels most satisfying to you.
>> No. 90062
>>89937
Thank you for taking the time to review, and in such detail. I'm sorry that it irritated you so much. You're somewhat right: not being a very visual person I was trying very hard to create imageries. Too hard, as it happens. I will tone down the descriptions. But a few things:

>incisors
Canines was the word that I was going for, and the whole sentence was meant to convey 'those teeth that a herbivore has no business having a full set of'.

I will have to take issue with your definition of purple prose. Purple prose means using more flowery words than is necessary. Purple prose would render that sentence with the incisors thus: "Her teeth gleamed like pure, taintless pearls under the moonlight; she was as beautiful as she was evil and deadly." This and the original would convey the exact same things that I wanted to come across.

I will also have to take issue with your objections to my word choice for dialogues. Nightmare Moon is casual in the first episodes, sure, but she's also talking to Twilight - I don't think it's a stretch to say that she's being condescending to Twilight. But to Celestia she might instead want to be pretentious, strutting off, etc.

So for example,
is probably not the right choice there in that sentence, sure, but sovereign? I can't think of anything else to replace it .

I might end up re-writing the action sequences with your advices taken into consideration. Hopefully chapter 1 won't irritate you so much.
>> No. 90070
>>90001
Thank you very much for such a well-thought out review, especially on the elements of Icarus' development and TwiDash.

It's painful to embark on such fundamental rewrites when I had convinced myself it was ready for publishing, but what you say is true, and I want to give it a look. EQD will have to wait.
>> No. 90077
Title: Fluttershy’s Shadow: Chapter One - A Doubt Of A Shadow - Part One.
Author: Broken Logic
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: [shipping/romance][comedy]
Synopsis: Fluttershy has just recieved a bouquet of flowers from none other than her shadow. Or so she thinks. Twilight Sparkle, always the skeptical pony, heads out to investigate and eventually all her friends get involved with miscellaneous schemes of finding who the mysterious sender is. And things were already busy enough with Nightmare Night only a few nights away.

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kLS8GajMzNsh6dphzAwkyMqmcfaVb7SKYWyjumCAScY/edit

Comments: I'd appreciate it if Pascoite took this up again, but I'd be thankful for anyone's input, as I'm still a newbie writer. Hopefully it's much better now.

Initial post:
>>84691
Pascoitte Review:
>>89125
>> No. 90080
Title: Banishment Decree
Author: Chuckfinley
Tags: Adventure, Dark, Crossover
30,000 words
Chapters 1-3
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4632/Banishment-Decree

Synopsis: My name is Gilda. I used to be a Griffon warrior. When you're banished, you've got nothing. No clan, no funding, no gold watch and no friendly job reference. You're stuck wherever the Griffon clans aren't.
You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone still talking to you. A speed-freak ex-marefriend. A megalomaniac illusionist who's middlemare for the Equestian Intelligence Service. Family too, if you're desperate.
Bottom line is, as long as you're banished, you're not going anywhere.

Comments: BD is a weak-form crossover (set in Equestria, characters are not straight expys) with Burn Notice. I've submitted it to EqD, got "sounds like it needs a good editing run for grammar and punctuation then its good to go!" back from them. Also, the one dude on fimfiction giving me detailed feedback has disappeared into meatspace, so I'm also looking for general feedback.

Thanks,

CF
>> No. 90087
>>90080
>sounds like it needs a good editing run for grammar and punctuation then its good to go!
>grammar and punctuation then its good to go!
>its good to go!
>its

I hope that's your error at typing it manually, and not a cut-and-paste from the actual pre-reader's message.
>> No. 90092
>>90077
I'll take another cut at this, but it may be a couple of days before I start.

Questions: the queue spreadsheet entry says you've got 7 chapters, but there are still only 2 on FiMFiction. Is 7 the plan, or are they done? And you're only asking for chapter 1 in this request?
>> No. 90093
>>90087

Lol, it's a copypaste of the whole email. Still, I only submitted it two hours before getting that response, so it's all good in the 'hood.
>> No. 90099
File 133134843621.jpg - (36.70KB , 411x504 , 67767 - artist-Shout dissapointment fluttershy.jpg )
90099
>>90062
Thanks for your response to my review, it's much appreciated and without further ado, I shall answer your comments and questions...

I can now understand why you would want to call attention to the teeth via a word like incisors, or canines, but you drop the word in so naturally that it seems like everything is normal. You need to call attention to the fact that there is something, wrong, unnatural, or creepy about her teeth (e.g. ...suddenly broke into a grin, displaying a set of unnaturally sharp teeth...). I got a little curious and took another look at your fic before writing this, and you still need to fix this.



As for purple prose... Well that's a fairly subjective term. It just means anything that's overdone (usually in the description/metaphor departments). In this case, I thought many of your descriptions were overdone, hence the criticism "purple". If it bothers you that much, click here (http://www.fiction-writers-mentor.com/purple-prose.html) for a list of common definitions/elements of purple prose. Also, the only reason I called that incisor bit purple is because you had no reason to be describing her teeth (or so I thought). Because it turns out that you want to call attention to something about her that is unnatural to add to the sense of horror surrounding her, by all means, include it (but not with the word "incisors," I definitely marked that as pretentious).

As for Nightmare Moon's dialogue, if you want to see how she behaves when taking an opponent seriously, and I am inclined to think that fighting Celestia is some serious business, click here (http://youtu.be/qoRMMLMYpDY). Watch through 15:34 and note that she's more action than words, and when shit goes down, she's slightly more terse. I'm willing to grant that the amount of info we have on Nightmare Moon in a combat situation/when shit is real in canon is small enough that you can take some liberties, but you might as well take the canon that we've got.

>I might end up re-writing the action sequences with your advices taken into consideration.
>I might end up with your advices taken into consideration.
>I might end take your advice into consideration.
>see pic. Hint: it's me.

I hope you take my advice, if not, my review was a huge waste of time as was your submission to the training grounds.
>> No. 90105
>>90099
...I'm not sure why you're cutting up my words like that and then use that pic.There is a huge difference between rewriting everything from scratch and just fixing things, and rest assured your advice is taken either way. I'm just not done with it yet.
>> No. 90108
>>90105
And I'm not sure why you think "rewriting everything from scratch" was one of my recommendations. It is nice to here that you're taking my advice, though.
>> No. 90109
Btw, we're autosaging.
>> No. 90118
>>90092
Yea, just asking for the first chapter for now, as second chapter is being improved, and the third chapter is still under construction.
>> No. 90136
File 133136014804.png - (2.25MB , 1280x800 , twirl.png )
90136
>>87450
>>88440

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/55001004/Resolution.doc

And it is done. Again, I apologize for the wait. I may re-post this if the new thread comes up soon.
>> No. 90143
Tags: [Adventure][History of Equestria]

Synopsis:
Luna is finally resuming her duties of raising the moon and stars. Celestia decides to turn this momentous occasion into a history lesson as well. Teaching Twilight and her friends about the creation of the Elements of Harmony, as well as how Luna was once a peaceful ruler of all Equestria, and how Celestia took this power from her.

Chapter 1 “A Momentous Occasion” as submitted to EquestriaDaily:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4203/Fall-of-The-First-Lunar-Republic
As Edited:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PkKW1lgmp7JIg3_4akAxyTsmxEYeRnTBvjwrUB58KGo/edit
Considering CH1 is the only chapter completed, That is the one I would like reviewed.

Comments from EquestriaDaily (direct copy-paste):
1) Canon violation. The Elements of Harmony are older than the Princesses. This was described in S02-E01 and E02. They were not created.
2) Flat writing. You've wasted a golden opportunity for comedy GOLD. When Luna sent the letter to Spike, you could've described the entire scene. The uncertainty Spike felt as the delivery spell took effect strangely. Possibly something about the raucous belch shattering a window or three since the spell had a LOT more power behind it than was necessary. Then the comedic hiccuping and blasting more scrolls to the Princess.
3) More flat writing in the basic delivery of Celestia's request to not be barraged by blank scrolls.
4) Twilight seems wooden in her conversations with Spike and Pinkie Pie. She doesn't seem like our favorite bookworm at all.
5) Punctuation. Need a comma. rain” Applejack
6) Canon violation. The hills don't block the rain at all. Pegasi manufacture the weather, remember?
7) Rainbow Dash squee-ing over the Wonderbolts is fine, but... you bring the subject up out of nowhere. It feels like this has zero importance to the story, so I would recommend its removal.
8) Your story makes it feel like getting the girls together is like herding cats. They always seem to snap to, when needed, you know?

What I have done for each of the aforementioned issues:
1) Changed wording as per: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/86726.html#89970
2) Nothing, this work was not meant to be comedy, and I can’t force comedy. Any suggestions on this would be wonderful, I myself am leaning towards leaving it as is.
3) Again, nothing. For something like that, I would kind of expect something to the point.
4) Nothing, Help here would be appreciated
5) Went through and realized I can’t properly use a comma to save my life. Some grammar issues may still be present
6) Removed the offending line, also made point 5 moot in the process, but as stated above, my grammar had/has issues.
7) Changed the wording to allow for this line to exist, see my comment in the sidebar on the GDoc for more
8) Not much, the trip was unexpected by any means, so they probably would be scattered about town.

I do not really care who reviews my story. Any comments will be gladly appreciated, and I thank you in advance.
>> No. 90184
File 133139610190.png - (233.01KB , 900x649 , pinkamina before the laughter.png )
90184
Title: Who am I...?
Author: Connor the Brony
[Sad] [Alternate Universe]
Synopsis: A pony is the collection of her experiences. But what if all of those experiences never occurred? As Pinkie's reality falls apart and gives way to a much less party-filled world, she will have to ask herself: who was I, who am I, and who should I be?
Chapter 2 Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GwY7ERT9FLVa_C8D3-7kWhmzT_LF0lTw7miLUE_BJho/edit
Requests: A general review of grammar and story for chapter 2.

Continuation of this story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/6137/Who-am-I...%3F
>> No. 90196
File 133140469318.jpg - (224.49KB , 712x610 , Sweetie Belle.jpg )
90196
No need to panic, we know the thread's on autosage. New OP is being written up and will be posted soon. Hang tight.
>> No. 90252
File 133142419476.jpg - (49.11KB , 624x534 , Rainbow Likes.jpg )
90252
>>90184
Well, I won't be needing that hiatus after all. Dibs!
>> No. 90482
File 133151273198.png - (2.18MB , 1600x1163 , 130896 - artist whitediamonds commission rarity steampunk wet_mane.png )
90482
>>90477 NEW THREAD
>>90477 NEW THREAD
>>90477 NEW THREAD
>>90477 NEW THREAD
>>90477 NEW THREAD
>>90477 NEW THREAD
>>90477 NEW THREAD
>>90477 NEW THREAD
>>90477 NEW THREAD
>>90477 NEW THREAD
>> No. 91163
>>89096
Well, Let me thank you right now for your review. No matter good or bad, its always appreciated. Now, other than the title and the fact that it's sci-fi with space... It's not a crossover with Halo. It's ponies in a civil war. But I digress, after going through and re-reading this fic, I must say that the first paragraph would not sit well with me if I was a reader. One of the themes of the story was to be Rainbow testing her loyalties as well, although we have not really seen that yet, but chapter eleven was supposed to set that up. But to be honest, this fic was dying before you reviewed it anyway. I was getting tired of writing it. I'm working on something new with another author. So I thank you again for your review! I will use it to better my writing.
>> No. 91256
>>88703
Awesome, thanks for the review.

I'm glad you pointed out a lot of this stuff, I kind of needed a slap in the face about my writing style and fetish for using commas everywhere and anywhere I can.

I'll take your suggestions to heart, and I'll read my other chapters including the unpublished ones and attempt to find similar errors there, but I'm a bit of a rubbish proofreader (as in my mind reads what it wants to read, not actually what's on the page).

And yes, my OC is incredibly self-insertion and mary sue, and it does get worse in the next chapter, but I'm hoping to impose enough limitations and complications to make him a bit more... down-to-earth. It really would have suited the storyline better had I made him a unicorn, but wings are just so damned *cool*!

Thanks again for the review!

And yeah, old computers are the best :D
>> No. 93869
>>89064
I'll take this one.
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