>>79657

Okay, I copypastad the story into a gdocs and made my comments there. For the full review check that:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rYaKYA3Xe9k3UIiSXn00lajo_h4vTMxQsxEOjpprYps/edit

For the condensed version, you have a lot of grammatical problems as well as some stylistic issues you need to avoid, such as using bold and all caps for emphasis, but those can be fixed easily enough. I was a bit confused about what level of psychic distance you were going for and some sections were telly.

The main thing though is that I'm not quite seeing the chemistry between Octavia and Vinyl Scratch. They meet each other in the club and suddenly they're in love with each other. It seems out of character for the two to fall in love so suddenly given the way you've presented their characters and I can't find anything in the story that would make the relationship seem more believable. I suggest elaborating more on the pair's thoughts and feelings on why they feel attracted to each other. Also, consider revising it so that instead of one trip to the club, Octavia comes back multiple times to see Scratch. That way, not only do you have more time to explore the characters' feelings, you can take it slower, build up their attraction to each other more, and elaborate on the lines of attraction that are present (Vinyl seeing Octavia as not a typical Canterlot snob, Octavia wanting to cut loose from her stuffy lifestyle, etc).

I'll have the other chapters done soon enough, hopefully.

Also, if anyone would be so kind, I'd like to request a review of my review. I'm still new at this so some pointers would really help.

>>87704
This appears to be a 'View Only' document. How did you review it? :0

As for your review, I think that you sounded pretty helpful. I just skimmed, though. I should also concede that I'm very new to reviewing as well.

>>87706
>How did you review it?

>>I copypastad the story into a gdocs and made my comments there.

FICS

Link to fic post: >>86117

Before I begin the review, allow me to explain why this is only partial: I'm dropping the fic. Here are my reasons:

-The style is poor at best

-The fic was clearly never revised (when the title of the first journal entry is underlined and the indent of the next paragraph is... also underlined... I knew this hadn't been looked over)

-The story lacks any effective hook

-The exposition ranges from trite to non-existent, giving me absolutely no idea who the character is and in what way he views the world

-The character goes un-named and un-described for some uncertain number of words (I stopped reading two pages in)

-The character complains a ton, but the reader never witnesses the events that the character is complaining about, thus breeding a natural hatred for the character. (I'm assuming he's just wining)

-There were an incredible number of missed opportunities to reveal some interesting back-story, tell us about the character's life, and in general, provide some depth to the fic.

Now that I have that bit out of the way, allow me to present my review of the first five paragraphs along with some general issues that were prevalent throughout the first two pages!

>The following is transcribed...
You say, “The following”, but fail to elaborate on the nature of what follows. While it is obvious what “The following” is supposed to mean, it's good to elaborate anyway (e.g. “The following entries”, “The following text”)

>...in a gigantic box in my attic.
The use of “in” twice in such a small space sounds redundant. Consider replacing the second in with a description of how the book was found (e.g. ...old journal I found in a gigantic box while browsing my attic).

>I went up there a while ago to put away some old stuff, and I came across even MORE old stuff.
This sentence implies that he was surprised to find old things in a place that he uses for storing old things.

>I originally thought that it may all have...
The word “thought” already implies that he is uncertain about his hypothesis, so you don't need the word “may”. The word “all” doesn't add anything either.

>old folks. However,
Your use of “However” kills any flow you may have had going. Try merging your sentences with “but”; I guarantee it will be a smoother read.

>Anyway, the box...
It took me a second to realize that you are referring to the box in which the journal was discovered. Clarify this and get rid of “Anyway”; it's a harsh transition at best and a painfully awkward jolt at the worst.

>...animals who I swear to god were SMILING at...
Set some of that text aside with commas as it isn't wholly relevant to the contents of the box.

>And not any of those weird, permanently-frozen onto the face smiles either.
For the love of Celestia, NEVER start a sentence with “and”. Before you say “It's a style choice,” consider that the person in your story, an author, would never start his sentences with and. He might consider doing so in dialogue, but never in an author's note. Also, instead of, “permanently-frozen onto the face...” it should be, “ permanently-frozen-onto-the-face”.

>But, enough of my ranting.
Never start a sentence with but. See my above comment.

> Paragraph 1: Your character is supposed to be an author. This first paragraph, which in the context of the story, is supposedly written by the aforementioned author, is WAY to informal. Not even Rainbow Dash would be that care-free and casual with her word choice and sentence structure. Furthermore, beginning a story with “A note to the reader: ...” is confusing. It can easily be misinterpreted as an author's note and disregarded as a part of the story proper.

>Your first paragraph under the “Day 1” journal entry has a ton of errors-- but that's fine because the whole paragraph should be removed. Why would someone write a journal entry addressed to the reader stating that he never intended for this to be read? It's inconsistent.


>Today is the end of summer, and what a summer it was, too.
Get rid of “too”.


>In case you were asleep under a rock or something, what was supposed to be the longest day of the year became an extended night.
This sentence, particularly the “or something”, comes off as lazy and gives me the impression that you didn't care about what you wrote, but just wanted to get it written.


>I actually didn’t know what was going on until I got a letter from an old friend of mine who moved away to Ponyville when I was 10.
There's no need to be so specific with your description of the friend. It's clunky and inelegant. Instead, consider something along the lines of: “I actually didn’t know what was going on until I got a letter from an old friend living in Ponyville.”


>And when he told me about the fireworks that went on over there, I wished I’d been there to see it.
Once again, this sentence gives me the impression of laziness, particularly “that went on over there”. Such amalgamations of general terms thrust the reader into a near-catatonic state f boredom.


>“A force of darkness, redeemed in a flashy spectacle of magic,” he wrote.
Include your description of the fireworks in the above sentence next to what it's describing. This reads awkwardly because it's a disembodied description, it's flowery, and it makes no sense.


>And all of this happened because of a group of 6 girls?
Another sentence beginning with “and”... Furthermore, the “6 girls” are not responsible for the advent of Nightmare Moon and the subsequent tardy daybreak.


>Dear Celestia, what I would have given to see that.
You already said that he wished he could have been at the fireworks. Maybe you should describe the night's events in there totality and include some lamentation, wish, or regret afterwards pertaining to the whole thing. Avoid redundancy wherever possible; it is a sure-fire way to write a boring piece.


>Unfortunately, though, I’m a whole season late to the party.
Get rid of the word “though”.

>In fact, the only reason I actually found the strength to actually head off to Ponyville was that I got kicked out of the house.
He's already in Ponyville? If he's mentioning getting a letter from Ponyville (referring to Ponyville as “over there”), then I assume he received this letter prior to his arrival in the town. If he's willing to describe events prior to his arrival in Ponyville, then it seems like he could at least mention that he went to the town at some point. As it stands right now, this is a rather spontaneous and horrid introduction to our character's location. Order of events aside, your problem with repetition persists. You use “actually” twice in this sentence, but what's worse is that neither of those should even be there. Take out both of them. Finally, the word “that” is used to indicate a choice, the word “because” is used in cause-effect scenarios such as this one. Change “that” to “because”.

>I guess 17 years is overstaying my welcome.
In canon, we have no way to determine the exact age of any given pony, so by assuming that they follow roughly the same aging/maturation patterns as humans, you're treading on slippery terrain (and making the self-insert nature of the fic even more obvious).

>So, I shoved off from home with nothing to show for my childhood but a backpack full of half-finished doodles and an old, beat-up acoustic guitar.
Forget what I said about not starting sentences with “and”. DON'T START SENTENCES WITH ANY CONJUNCTION UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE EVER! (with the POSSIBLE exception of dialogue)

>So long, Canterlot, and good frickin’ riddance.
Your first comma is unnecessary. Furthermore, I don't sympathize with your character (who I will keep referring to as “your character” or “the character” until I get an in-text name) because all you've told us about Canterlot is that it sucks. You haven't told us why (or better yet, shown us why, but I'm saving that rant for the end) it sucks, you haven't elaborated on the implied poor relationship with his parents, you haven't even given us a physical description of your character (the longer you wait to do this, the more upsetting it is for the readers when they finally get a description and realize that the character isn't the pterodactyl-winged, one-eyed, tripod, tentacled pegasus they had in mind). At this point, I feel absolutely no connection to your story. When authors are confronted with this criticism, they often say, “It gets better.” Unfortunately, it doesn't matter if it gets better, because by this point, you've lost your audience. Given that you explain this sentiment more fully in your next paragraph, you should delete this sentence all together.

>You know how everybody tells you that Canterlot is a glamorous and sophisticated town?
Canterlot qualifies as something larger than a town. Aside from that, everybody should be changed to everypony, which reminds me, because you haven't even described the character yet (mane color, coat color, eye color, demeanor, etc...), or even used any pony-related words, the reader might not even be imagining an equine. Furthermore, this is a journal, the text would not be written to address a reader (this is what you're doing via the use of the word “you”). Journals are chronicles of events in someones life, typically events of a personal nature, but this is not necessarily the case. It is highly unlikely that the style of a journal would address a reader. As it is, I feel more like I'm reading someones impromptu verbal rant regarding how much life sucks.

>Yeah, not even close.
This idea would incorporate more smoothly if you joined it with your previous one. Try something like “Everybody says that Canterlot is a glamorous and sophisticated town, but in reality, it's not”.

>The place is duller than a worn-out butter knife.
This is another sentence that feels lazy. Use something more descriptive than “The place” as a stand-in for Canterlot and replace “The” with “That” (e.g. That city).

>There’s never anything to do, and apparently it’s frowned upon if you try to have fun in your own way.
This sentence is awkwardly constructed. “Trying to have fun in your own way is frowned upon.” is less clunky and more concise, you could even place a comma after “upon” and provide a second item.

>How was I supposed to know that you can’t hold an on-the-spot concert in the town square?
This is another example of telling, not showing. You should describe the concert, talk about what your character was doing at the time, what inspired him, how he began playing, how people around him reacted, and in general, write that scene. As it is, this sentence represents a lamentable missed opportunity for an amusing anecdote, some genuine back-story/explanation for the character's attitude, and to show what the character's life was like before he left Canterlot.

>Whatever.
The only things that are written in journals are things that people want to tell themselves.
Journals are personal records. I doubt anyone would simply want to tell himself “whatever”.

>Frankly, I’m glad to be gone.
Rather than out-right describing the sentiments of your character, allow your character's actions to reflect his emotions (e.g. Describe his physical departure from Canterlot and the manner in which he went about it. If he was truly as frustrated as this text makes me believe, it would have shown through in his actions). Describing actions and events to convey emotion makes for a much more believable character and enthralling tale than trite declarations such as this.

Your use of the journal format: When one writes a journal, one is essentially writing to oneself. Never in a journal/diary does the author address the reader in the second person. Furthermore, journals aren't typically written with the intent of being read by anyone else (although they often are anyway). In the beginning, your character addresses readers of his journal using the word “you”. A journal is a personal chronicle of events and as such, there is no reason for the word “you” to appear in an address to the reader (or, as already stated, no addressing of a reader should be in a journal in the first place).


Recurring problems:

You use a lot of phrases that come off as lazy (e.g. you used the phrase “...or something...” instead of coming up with another example, or your use of the non-descriptive phrase, “The place” to stand in for Canterlot).

Don't start sentences with conjunctions.

Provide some description of your world. Give your character a face and a name, create an environment for the story to take place in, tell us about what's going on all around the character, tell us what the character's take on these things is. A large portion of this problem stems from you TELLING about your world not SHOWING us your world. The Equestria Daily Writer's Omnibus is a wonderful guide for writers of fan-fiction (and everything else). Please read over the whole thing (and play close attention to the parts about Show vs. Tell).

Journals are not meant to address readers; they are meant to chronicle events. Stop using the word “you” to address a reader.

It's obvious that you intend for your character to be rather irritated and fed-up with the world, but you haven't shown us any reason why he has this attitude. The best you've done is lightly imply that he has a bad relationship with his parents. If you want the audience to believe and care about your character, you're going to have to show us some events instead of simply saying “Canterlot sucks” and expecting us to take his word.

What you can do to improve: The best way to get better at writing is to read. Your biggest problem here is style. I recommend going to EQD (or any other site that hosts fan-fiction) and looking at the works of different authors, noting what's different about the way they are written, deciding which styles you like the most, and then trying to emulate those styles in your writing. My next suggestion is to click this link (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit?pli=1) and then click on the link in the table of contents that says "Show vs. Tell". Finally, if you really want to improve, write some more. Start small. Write some scenes/vignettes until you get the hang of description, then move on to writing summaries of stories (not whole stories) until you get the hang of plot, and then try writing a fic. I'm not going to lie: acquiring some skill with written words is no easy feat, but it is by no means, impossible.

>>87706
You know, usually I keep quiet around here because I have little to say, and less time to say it. However, this mentality angers me.

You are a reviewer. That doesn't mean people have to present it in exactly the form you want. I'm fairly sure that is why some of the stories go unreviewed, because you foals can't figure out control + c and control + v. It isn't that hard, you can use Notepad, Microsoft Word, OpenOffice, or even another Google Document. Maybe, if you got off your lazy haunches you'd learn more as a reviewer. Part of the problem with comments is that I rarely see people explain why things are wrong. They simply tell the author to fix it, and leave it at that. This is no way to operate. As a reviewer, your job is not to copy edit a fic; it is to share knowledge and teach authors their mistakes and how to fix them. So, kindly don't complain when a document isn't set so you can do a quick pass through with no explanation.

This is not directed only at Swiper, but generally everypony who complains about this and won't review things from GDocs view only or FIMFiction.

>>87720
I was referring to the fact that the document (a) was marked as "view only" and yet still (b) had comments on it.

Which is sort of like walking into a women's bathroom and hearing a deep, growling voice like James Earl Jones coming from from a stall.

Holy crap people, get this through your heads -

There is nothing wrong

repeat - nothing wrong

with starting sentences with conjunctions.
It is absolutely, positively, without a doubt grammatically correct and acceptable. And it's about time you all realized that.

ALL REVIEWERS READ THIS!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Common_English_usage_misconceptions

And please don't use this as an excuse to be pedantic over some new set of trivial matters. Alright?

>>87720
So who is doing a good job as a reviewer, in your humble opinion?

>>87722
And that is because it was copied over to a gdocs that Starman has ownership of.
Hence why it has comments, but remains view only to everyone else. Even if he didn't say that there's the option that comments could have been restricted to his email specifically, which would result in roughly the same situation more or less. Public view only, private comments.

>>87720
Is replying even worth it? Because I'm bored, it is. The reviewers on the training grounds take documents in plenty of formats (I myself just Ctrl+Ced a fic into a processor so I could review). Furthermore, you're calling us lazy for not Ctrl+C Ctrl+Ving fics into processors when the key command is no harder in a GDoc? I might add that no one here has to review fics for anyone. We could all be writing our own fics with the time we use for reviews, but we don't. My point is, don't call reviewers lazy for offering a service. Furthermore,plenty of reviewers copy-paste to review. I can say with absolute certainty, that every reviewer who frequents this board has done it. I left you nickel, go buy a better argument.

>>87720
I can say with about five months' worth of reviewing experience that commenting on Google Docs is several orders of magnitude faster than Copy-Paste from a downloaded ODT file or from FiMFiction. It allows the reviewer to:
1. Not waste a metric fuckton of characters by copying in lines,
2. Not waste a metric fuckton of time by copying in lines,
3. Not waste a metric fuckton of time by formatting the pasted lines,
4. Pinpoint specific lines without having to provide additional context,
5. Not clog the Training Grounds with fuck-long-huge reviews. Which, admittedly, is highly hypocritical of me to say.

The only downside I can think of to having a commented GDoc is that it can crash the document for those with slow internet if the number of comments is too high. Not explaining why something is wrong is a fault on part of the reviewer, not the format. Also,
>lazy haunches
>your job
>taking reviewers for granted
>pic

>>87725
A conjunction is a joiner, a word that connects (conjoins) parts of a sentence. (http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/conjunctions.htm)

Hmm... if it joins parts of a sentence, and English, unlike its parent language, Latin, is largely dependent on word order, should there be something before and after a conjunction in a sentence, you know, so that they can be joined? Food for thought.

>>87725
Yes, because wiki is the source of good grammar.

>>87725
There's a difference between (a)doing X is wrong and (b)doing X means that the story doesn't flow as nicely as it should.

Look at this little section:
"I hope it doesn't rain!" Twilight called out. She frowned. She looked at Spike. Spike coughed. "That would be horrible! And it would ruin our dinner plans! And it would be so inconvenient!"

I believe that there's nothing wrong with that story section. However, it doesn't look (to me, at least) anywhere near as natural as:
"I hope it doesn't rain," Twilight said, frowning and looking over at Spike. He coughed. "That would be horrible. It would be so inconvenient and just ruin our dinner plans."

You see what I mean? It seems to be that contractions are often hallmark of stilted writing. They're not always like that, but they should not be overused (while they are indeed overused). I'm far from the best reviewer, so I may be missing the point on this. I don't know.

>>87720
Was served by:
>>87730
Flawless Victory.

I've reviewed both chapters of Millennium Eclipse, and everything has been confirmed via e-mail as well as on Google Docs themselves. Can someone update the queue thingy?

>>87722
I am sorry then. I merely read your comment and did not open the document. However, I stand by my criticisms.

>>87726
I never said they were doing a bad job. Copy editing is a nice thing to do for people, but teaching is much, much more important.

>>87729
>I might add that no one here has to review fics for anyone.
No, you don't. In fact, you don't have to do anything. However, when you accept that review request, there is an unspoken agreement between you and the author. If you deny them a quality review, you have wasted both their time and yours.

>My point is, don't call reviewers lazy for offering a service.
Offering a service and providing a good service are two different things.

>nickel
Why thank you, I'll be sure not to spend it all in once place.

>>87730
I understand what you are saying, and that is why I find commenting awesome myself. However, there is a culture that has grown around commenting (at least from what I see) that only corrects, but doesn't show what to do differently. I'm not criticizing the method, but rather the culture I see growing around it.

Also, I do find it interesting how everypony is posting anonymous now. But, let this thread return to its normal duties. I've said my piece, now I'll go back to browsing for interesting single story threads.

>>87739
If you do see instances where the reviewer corrects but does not teach (and that the writer him- or herself clearly does not know those rules), please call the reviewer out on it point them out so the reviewer knows to do so in the future. This is, after all, the Training Grounds for both writers and reviewers. Also, I apologize for any passive-agressive rudeness that may of come out of >>87730.

Thank you for helping us help you help us all.

>>87739
I usaully go through a story and mark the errors at first, with the first instance explaining what was wrong and how to fix it. Then, if it begins to become a recurring issue, I leave one last correction and tell the writer any more of that particular problemwon't be marked and it's up to them to use my advice to hunt them down themselves. I think this is a good system, as it provides a reasoning for why it needs to be fixed, examples of how it should look when fixed, saves me time if it's common, and forces the author to do some of the dirty work themselves. Everyone wins.

Complianing about people asking for commenting power is stupid. Instead, you should've stated that the issue came from complacency with using the comment system in the first place. The problem was due to user input, not the program itself.

>>87725

I would give you a +1 for this if I could. I find in my writing (which is something of an eclectic combo of interesting segments and stuff that even bores ME to tears) that using the occasional "and", "if" or "but" helps give the feel of a stream of consciousness. I have had entire sentences that consist of nothing by "What." Or "Damn."

And I do this on purpose because I want it to sound like the narrator isn't writing the story afterwards but trying to force his/her thoughts to keep pace with the action.

I don't know if this is a particularly good writing approach. Maybe not. But I find the outcome interesting for me to read, at least, so, you know, I can fill my own bookshelves at the very least.

My advice to SB1, if he's reading this, is "show don't tell". Just think about that whenever you write about something. And for a character that you want to keep mysterious or even as a jackass, you might want to consider switching points of view. It helps not isolate the readers and also, I find, makes the story more fun to write. Also helps out in balancing your characters and making sure that you don't end up with one well-rounded character talking to a bunch of cardboard cutouts.

Soo...went on longer than I meant to. Good night and good luck!

>>87729
*Must... resist... urge... to SWIPE... SHINY THING*

>>87746
It's okay to start sentences with conjunctions as long as you know it's wrong and are doing it anyway for the mood or to make dialogue sound natural. Like anything, use it in moderation.

>>87746
The rules of writing state that you can break them as long as you know that you're breaking them and doing it well.

>>87722
Verily, I say to you, I lol'd.

>>87739
> However, there is a culture that has grown around commenting (at least from what I see) that only corrects, but doesn't show what to do differently.
> there is a culture that has grown
> culture
This is the exact sort of vague, insubstantial umbrella statement about reviewers that starts arguments - because (it goes without saying) that it DOESN'T apply to reviewers who use GDocs comments in general, but maybe only a few who you neglected to even mention. I suggest you be careful where you tread in the future, and read people's posts more carefully before responding to avoid misunderstandings (since this kerfuffle all began with you misinterpreting Swiper).

>>87750
But that's not right, starting a sentence with a conjunction is perfectly valid English, no rules are being broken...

What's on the menu tonight... Oooh! >>86165 looks fun, so I'm claiming it! The review can be expected on Tuesday (sorry for the delay, but I'll be out of state for the weekend, I'll still be reviewing it, but I'll be offline).

>>87697

Thanks for taking the time to review. The perspective thing never actually occured to me. Then again, first time actually writing something like this, so I guess that's sort of typical.

These first six chapters are mostly just introductions for the new six characters. I agree on some of them lacking characterization, and writing some of them just felt like filler instead of meaningful content. I'll try and work on those a bit. I might move the Nimbus flashback to some other place and just write an entirely new chapter.

I would also suggest proofreading, but I only suggest that because I just caught a mistake in my last post. Stupid tired hands and sleepy eyes...

Also, it helps to write things out of chronological order, simply so you can get a sense of where the story is going before you start. Outlines are okay, I've found but if you know you've written this totally badass scene for halfway through, you're damn well going to find a way to lead up to that scene and make it seem natural.

Okay, I'll stop now and go to sleep which is where I belong.

So I use to hate boards like this, they always perplexed the crap out of me as to why people liked them. Then I found This site, specifically this (training grounds) thread. Now I am beginning to understand I think you are all awesome. Thank You!

Now I also have a question. I would like to jump in and help review (totally not motivated to just help move my fic along ;) sadly I lack many of the skills required to be a good reviewer. Namely I feel I would be good at helping concepts evolve, and help the author improve some word choice. The problem area comes with sub par editing for grammar and spelling. I am also unfamiliar with many of the commonly understood terms, though I understand the concepts just fine.

I understand that helping fics along would be accepted. I worry, however, that by reviewing others work, in a way that would likely be done worse then by 85%-90% of the other reviewers, I would be doing them a injustice. I understand that they could just go and get more help after me but If the other reviewer would catch 85% of what I would catch, it seems like I would just be wasting the authors time.

I would like some input on this dilemma.

>>87763
Label your reviews as "Concept-Only Reviews", then suggest to the author that they may want someone else to go over their work for grammar and such. The concept stuff is what most writers are looking for, anyways.

If you want to improve on the grammar front, you should read up on grammar. As much as it pains me to say it, The Elements of Style by Strunk and White is a good starting point. You can probably find it at your local bookstore for under 15 USD. If you have a Kindle, you can find it on Amazon for 3 USD. Alternatively, Google "grammar" and read up on the first one or two links. Be warned, though: the rules of English grammar are long and confusing, and they're not always set in stone. After that, you can ask for a review of your review like >>87704.

This is, after all, the Training Grounds.

>>87763
Try doing some concept only reviews (something a great deal of authors could benefit from), here for a while (http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/79400.html). While there, brush up on some grammar, write some of your own stuff, read twice as much stuff as you write, and whenever you're ready, start doing over-all reviews. Alternatively (and perhaps better) you could take >>87766's idea and ask for reviews of your reviews. Finally, don't worry about doing any injustice to an author. You'd be lending your assistance to someone and that can (almost) never turn out for the worse.

I would like to claim the story Kyrie Illumina wrote called "The Fixers", but I'd like him or her to enable comments first. I'd also like it if he or she could post a little synopsis type thing about what happens in the story. It seems a little unclear if this is HiE or not.

>>87763
You know, this kind of thing makes me wonder why isn't there someone to teach people how to do good reviews.

I mean, there must be some basic rules to doing it right, right?

>>87771
I'm willing to review it either way, but doing this would make things a lot easier.

>>87772
I believe that I started reviewing maybe, what, four days ago? Although, I guess reviewing for people in fimficiton also counts...

I would think that the key is very simple. Look at reviewers you like and do what they do. Look at reviewers that you don't like and don't do what they do. Often times, of course, those two things are mixed up in one person.

In terms of specific examples, I think that as a reviewer it's not enough to just tag "passive voice" in a section that has the passive voice used a lot. I've tried to specifically help people rewrite things to emphasize the characters.

So, I'll read something like:
"Strawberry was walking over along the deep quarry. He looked off into the distance, seeing eagles that were flying, off in the distance. The whole scene, from the jagged rocks behind him, to the thick quartz walls in front of him, was terrifying."

And I'll try to lead the author in the direction of:
"Strawberry walked through the deep quarry. He looked off into the distance, seeing eagles flying off in the distance. The whole scene, from the jagged rocks behind him to the thick quartz walls in front of him, terrified him."

Comma abuse is also something that I hate, and yet I see it everywhere. I think that it's pretty important as a reviewer to focus on the niggling little things if they annoy readers so much that they might just close the story.

Both of those things I picked up from watching other reviewers.

>>87772
Not really, no. There's multiple ways of "doing it right", but there's so little overlap between them that coming up with basic rules is... well, difficult. The best I can think of are examples. >>85999 is one such example (albeit very watered down), but it's the structure I use. Of course it would be, since I wrote it. There's also organizing it by common error then commentary, which is what the samurai does, or by Style-Characters-Story, which is what ChowderHead does. There's also Grammar-only, Concept-only, etc., etc.

>>87774
>He looked off into the distance, seeing eagles flying off in the distance.
Darn it. I typed that in a way that removed the repetition of 'distance', but that pesky word popped up again for some reason. You see what I mean, anyways.

>>87774
I'm with you on the whole "comma abuse" thing. Not only is comma abuse (often) grammatically incorrect, but it gorily murders flow. Pictured to the right is a hero of mine whom I often introduce to authors.

>>87777
I meant pictured to the left... Derp.

>>87744
>won't be marked
Lucky you! I [perhaps due to psychological compulsion] am incapable of leaving errors uncorrected. It gets very time consuming.

Title: Search for Forgotten Dreams

Author: Jeal Veritte

Email: [email protected]

Tags: Adventure

Synopsis: As a young colt travels across the lands, he grows both as an champion and a friend. Adventuring through Equestria and helping others, he wonders which of his dreams will lead him to his destiny. Will he succeed or will he, like so many others, quit along the way?


Words: 3655

Chapters: 1 so far

Gdocs Link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1h_XI3QXX7zmOFABV7hlQFXzGdwDspbHsv44k-r86Ujw/edit

Comments: I'm an aspiring writer looking to improve my craft. I'm aware that I'm a beginner and not skilled yet, but I'd like to improve until I can "level up" so to speak. I accept any criticisms about my fic and eagerly await your input. Any advice at all is welcome. Thanks again for taking the time to review my fic. I shall honored to learn from you.

Title: Out of Context
Author: Nuke_Equestria
Tags: Adventure, Sci-Fi, Humans are Great

Synopsis: Magic permeates the universe. Everything is dependent on it in some way, except for humans. Where ever they are magic stops working; and the more of them there are, the wider the area with out magic. All of this they are ignorant of. They've been colonizing the galaxy for a couple of centuries, and now the rest of the galaxies denizen have notice a growing "No Fly Zone" where magical creatures can not live. Princess Luna is visited by an antagonistic race who she has fought in the past. Instead of conflict, they bring a warning that the "No Fly Zone" is growing in Equestria's direction. If she doesn't take action, not only her life, but all life on Equestra could perish. Little does she know, that humanity has already found Equestra, realized that it has intelligent life, and has sent an expedition to make first contact. Both sides need to over come species and cultural differences if they want to survive in a hostile galaxy.

Comments: I'd prefer the reviewer not review chapters 1 and 2. I still have to include the feed back from my last review.

Title : The Conversion Bureau : The Untold Story
Tags: Slice of Life
Synopsis : I'm sure you've heard it all. Rainbow's and sunshine. Unhappy humans becoming happy ponies.
So many exaggerated stories and articles . All those faked statistics and graphs . They didn't tell the real story.

I'm writing this book to record some of the truths that have been... glossed over. Something to oppose all the propaganda coming from Celestia's government. Never been much of a writer before though, so don't expect miracles of prose.
However, this is important for me. For many of us. So please, bare with me.
My name is Matthew Roberts, and I'm the Mayor of New Hope. I’m also a human who refuses to conform.

This is the untold story.

Links : Contains first two chapters, just under 3k words together
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1DfdLRgN5XzQ7HL-6I-Lq2-tX013ey2bQkfhK5GEhUyQ/edit
Comments : The synopsis and title are pretty much placeholders. This is something I whipped up in a few hours after having it stewing in my head for a few days.
I thought, so what if the plan went off, purification? What then? Live happily ever after? No way.
Each chapter is going to be a page from the main characters book talking about various problems, and a slice of life of the main character. Rather short , but I think it works.

>>87788
For got to add that comments are open.

>>87732
That alone doesn't make the article any less true. Wikipedia has its own sources if you'd like to check the validity of articles on a case-by-case basis. Citing Wikipedia is just a far more accessible form of reference. (For example, I have to quote the whole following reference in full because it's not accessible from citation alone.)

5.206 of The Chicago Manual of Style:

'There is a widespread belief—one with no historical or grammatical foundation—that it is an error to begin a sentence with a conjunction such as and, but, or so. In fact, a substantial percentage (often as many as 10 percent) of the sentences in first-rate writing begin with conjunctions. It has been so for centuries, and even the most conservative grammarians have followed this practice. Charles Allen Lloyd's 1938 words fairly sum up the situation as it stands even today:

>Next to the groundless notion that it is incorrect to end an English sentence with a preposition, perhaps the most wide-spread of the many false beliefs about the use of our language is the equally groundless notion that it is incorrect to begin one with "but" or "and." As in the case of the superstition about the prepositional ending, no textbook supports it, but apparently about half of our teachers of English go out of their way to handicap their pupils by inculcating it. One cannot help wondering whether those who teach such a monstrous doctrine ever read any English themselves.

Still, but as an adversative conjunction can occasionally be unclear at the beginning of a sentence. Evaluate the contrasting force of the but in question, and see whether the needed word is really and; if and can be substituted, then but is almost certainly the wrong word. Consider this example: He went to school this morning. But he left his lunch box on the kitchen table. Between those sentences is an elliptical idea, since the two actions are in no way contradictory. What is implied is something like this: He went to school, intending to have lunch there, but he left his lunch behind. Because and would have made sense in the passage as originally stated, but is not the right word—the idea for the contrastive but should be explicit. To sum up, then, but is a perfectly proper word to open a sentence, but only if the idea it introduces truly contrasts with what precedes. For that matter, but is often an effective word for introducing a paragraph that develops an idea contrary to the one preceding it.'

>>87716
Nicely done. I was curious as to how your review would turn out, and it feels right from what I remember of the fic. Just two things that struck me:

>The conjunctions-as-sentence-starters issue
Terry Prachett uses conjunctions to start sentences liberally. Then again, he's bloody Terry Prachett, so... yeah, but discussion's been had numerous times. It's all good now.

>The character goes un-named and un-described for some uncertain number of words
Perhaps it's because it's in a journal format. An unwritten rule is that writers of journals wouldn't describe themselves in detail, since their journals are for personal record, and doing so would make it awkward.

Granted, the writer in this case is an OC human, so he's stuck either way. =\ It's right of you to call him out on that, just offering a possibility as of why.

>>87777
Ooh, nice quads.

Though I could swear I've seen that guy on some wanted posters for killing sentences when allowed to run wild and free.
Use sparingly for best results.
Pauses longer then a comma, yet shorter then a period should suffice.

>>87795
Thanks for the response to my review. I had a lot of problems with the journal format throughout (especially the parts where it was breached and violated). Now that you mention it though, is there even a reasonable way for an OC human to get a description in this type of setup? I'd say POV switching, but it's a journal... (maybe he could walk past a mirror, or catch a glimpse of himself in a shop window?)

Title - Icarus
Name - Tamar
Email - [email protected]
Tags - Adventure

Synopsis - It is the beginning of summer, and for Twilight it seems as if nothing could ruin her day off with her friends.
Then, without warning, Equestria is enveloped in a mysterious thick fog. Rainbow Dash races to Cloudsdale to find the source of the problem, leaving her friends worrying for her safety and struggling to cope in Ponyville.
Nothing can prepare Rainbow for what she finds in Cloudsdale, and things go from bad to worse when Twilight receives urgent news from Canterlot about the Princess...

Links
Chapter One:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HQnU355THe7YLXkSUeSjULtmd-FeH8lHM-J9TUfbNMI/edit

Chapter Two:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QC2XtSAp6LygR1lkv3QdfPlvt_mqSM7O7h8i8IbHfZo/edit

Chapter Three:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PS6pwyJvh9y0ReySzXQBKnoifnQ-66H_GL6KAnzZTBw/edit

Chapter Four:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jTCSIMUftPbDE0mFd5SwO8JJilVgd-VOKhRy9QwxfNw/edit

Epilogue:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZIlGIXx1c-fdpwxg-FG1ClBcEzoIuzU5tRjy5ajDcJY/edit

Resubmission - request for Dublio to give it a second pass.

>>87763 >>87772
Alternatively, read through some reviews posted here, particularly ones that are done in-doc so you can see the full context of the errors/suggestions being identified. Find a reviewer that you consider to be good, and ask him to notify you when he'll be in a document leaving comments. Tag along, and watch what he does.

It's also important, at least in the first instance in a story, to explain why the error you're marking is wrong, and unless the solution is self-evident, give an example of how to fix it. That way, you're teaching the writer to avoid future problems.

I've submitted an ongoing story for review, and when I did so, I only had three chapters ready for review, but I have this strong feeling that I'll have a fourth primed and ready to go by the time my story gets selected for a review. Who do I sacrifice a goat to in order to change the chapter count?

>>87792
Some of these types of "rules" are fine to break if the mood is light or the writer has good enough mechanics to convince readers that they're broken intentionally for effect.

To be sure, some conjunctions can begin sentences, like "if" or "because," as long as the effect clauses are also in the sentence, and the two have been swapped to vary the structure. Others, like "and" and "or," indicate parallel structures, but if they begin the sentence, no such structure exists. Diagram a sentence that begins with "and." Where does the other end of the dotted line go? That said, I'll grant that this practice isn't explicitly forbidden. The definition of a conjunction includes that it can coordinate multiple sentences. In fact, I do it myself and barely mention it in reviews. It just leaves a slightly rankling feeling that the sentence isn't self-contained.

Prepositions are another matter. By definition, they take objects. The vast majority of the time, dangling prepositions have no object. Diagram one. What sits on that horizontal line? If nothing, then it's invalid. For ones where the object exists, but has been relocated, it's just lazy writing. Related structures need to be kept together. It's the same reason why it's a bad idea to insert too many descriptors, appositives, nominative absolutes, and whatnot between the subject and verb. It forces the reader, when finally encountering the verb, to scan back through the sentence and find the subject again so he knows the source of the action. Related structures need to be kept close together in a sentence, or the flow suffers for it, and it just smacks of lazy writing. What further muddles the issue is that many positional prepositions can also function as adverbs and can exist by themselves, so it can be hard at times to distinguish between an adverb and a dangling preposition. Even more of the seemingly toughest instances to fix are not actually dangling prepositions, but phrasal verbs, like "think of" and "put up with." Thus, these examples are not violations. Certainly, some actual errors will be too cumbersome to fix effectively, but the majority of the ones that feel natural to leave as-is are these phrasal verbs, and so are not actual violations. Just fix the grating ones ("Where are you at?" comes to mind) and most people will be happy.

The Chicago Manual of Style includes somewhat of an indictment of the notion that dangling prepositions are erroneous, as in your included quote. Oddly, its own definition would seem to contradict that belief.
> "A preposition is a word or phrase that links an object (noun or noun equivalent) to another word in the sentence to show the relationship between them"
In the vast majority of actual dangling prepositions (not phrasal verbs), no object exists, so the preposition's function is violated.

Isn't it telling that the majority of good grammarians try to avoid both practices? Just because something is acceptable doesn't make it preferable. Even style guides waffle. Chicago discourages split infinitives, but allows that they may be acceptable in limited occurrences, for example.

TL;DR: In short, break any rule you like, but do it knowingly, do it for effect instead of laziness, and do it in moderation. As a wise man once said, "Sometimes being mellifluous trumps being correct."

>>87845
The best way to inform everyone would be to:
1. Make a new post that briefly says you want to add to your request, and include links to your original request and the added chapter(s).
2. Go into the queue spreadsheet (link provided at the top of TTG thread), open the chat box, and ask someone whose actual name is displayed (not Anonymous) to update the chapter range for review, the word count, and the post link.

>>87851
I'm sorry, I messed up so much doing this, while trying not to mess up. Yeah I know I look mentally retarded before we even start.

Tags: [Grimdark]
^None of the others seem to apply.

Twilight is hearing grim messages in her sleep, relating to things happening around her. Can she discover who's behind the horrible things happening in Ponyville before it's too late?

Comments/Requests:
Please bare in mind this is part 1 of 4 parts, it will make more sense when the story is complete, I just want to know how badly I'm failing before I write the other parts.

Links:
https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1STfQPTsvSeXyPqAVPujj_NYNay1PmDiMxdhQQ0sCb30

>>87852
Didn't even proof read my synopsis.. sorry again, I was nervous as hell posting this and now I've made such a mess I wish I could delete it all, but I can't get it off the spreadsheet, so I may as well try. Sorry again for the fifteen thousand posts this took.

Revised synopsis:
Twilight is hearing disturbing messages in her sleep, seeming to relate to current events. Can she discover who's behind the horrible things happening in Ponyville before it's too late?

>>87850
Thank you for the advice! :D

>>87786
This sounds appealing. I'll take a look at it. Pic related since I suspect that the protagonist will be like this.

>>87808
I find this rule to be deceptively simple in theory, but extremely difficult to use in practice.

I end up forgoing semi-colons most of the time unless I'm really sure it fits. (Even then I sometime angst over the sentence.)

Given that the thought of looking at Solow growth equilibrium models and time inconsistency models of central banking decisions makes me nauseous, I'll dip myself into some pony. So, let me break things down. I left a ton of comments. I'll just be general here.

Grammar / spelling : You need to watch out for the present tense. It's jarring to read something like: "Minty read the sign. He grabs his weapon, and he sharpens it." Keep things in the past tense.

You also need to watch out for the passive voice. You have a tendency to write things such as: "Drool was pooling in the corner of his mouth." That would look better as: "Drool pooled at the corner of his mouth." Also, be sure to watch out for proper use of commas.

Broadly speaking, I think things looked okay on this front. It was other things that left me feeling wary.

Characters / storyline: Mint Leaf seems to be nothing more than an author self-insert. He's a blank slate. He seems like a classic Gary Stu to me in many ways. Who is he? What does he look like?

Describe Minty to me. I literally don't know anything about him other than that he's young, male, an earth pony, and as naive as Snails. I'm reminded of Queen Amadala and Obi-wan from The Phantom Menace: bland, bland, bland as oatmeal. I need a window inside the brain of this kid if I'm going to emphasize with him.

I don't understand what makes him tick. Why is he willing to accept, totally at face value without any skepticism, a random command from a random stranger to join this guild/cult/team/whatever? Then, he just signs his life away without hesitation. He puts his life and health in danger as he accepts training from random strangers. It hardly is 'training', anyways. He's just given a weapon and told to fight.

This is nothing like what I would think real training would be in this circumstance. I guess I can hardly talk, given how I barely made it through Taekwondo (although I did break some boards, tee-hee), but I would think that there would be a lot about motivation. There'd be a lot about physical control. There'd be a lot about getting into the inner ethos of a warrior. You know what I mean? I can't help thinking of the fire pony guy as some kind of troll and nothing more.

Plot: A pony wants to go on an "adventure". That term is left hanging out there like a sore thumb without much in the way of definition. What kind of adventure? Be specific.

Does this kid dream about what life would be if he could breathe underwater and how wonderful it would be to discover beautiful coral reefs with maybe a few buried treasures alongside? The plot needs to be more grounded in terms of something real. There needs to be more of a 'drive'.

I must warn you that if you're going with all OCs in your story, then you're going to turn off a bunch of readers. Expect some critical pushback. Personally, I don't give a crap about how many OCs are in a story. All I care about is how well portrayed the OCs are.

Summary: At this point, I suppose you probably think that I entirely disliked the story. Quite the opposite is true. I do like it. A lot of the descriptions from the fight scenes to the entrance room sound pretty solid. There's a lot of potential in this story. I also think that you're pretty technically sound as a writer, which is great.

I just think that there's a lot of things in the story that also drags it down. I'd go with an overall 3 out of 5 or something like that. Keep working on it. I hope I've helped.

>>87871
>>87860
>>87786
These posts are related, but my links failed in the last post. Grrr.

I didn't realize how much passive voice was in my story until you pointed it out. Boy, do I feel embarrassed. Same goes for the tense shifts. I feel silly for missing those.

I think I had a brain derp while writing since I completely forgot to mention what he looked like. I guess I assumed that people would assume his color based on his name.

I like the part you mentioned about the entire training scene. If I had to guess, I just wanted to write an action scene and didn't think too hard of the "whys" behind it. Not an excuse though, I'll fix it and make sure to think about if scenes are important or make logical sense.

Anyhoo, time to go fish around in the doc and reply to your comments. I'll fix those mistakes right away. Thanks for your help! I didn't realize how many holes were missing, but that's what first drafts are for, right?

>>87875
Okay, great, glad I could help.

I would go ahead and write a one page thing about Minty describing him and his background (not to put in the story, but to get your own thoughts straight).

It might start something like:

"Minty has a dark green color and a greenish white striped mane. His hair is pretty short. He's young, coming in a few years below Twilight's age. He's a helpless daydreamer that can barely make friends because he spends all his time in class piloting imaginary submarines in his mind. Although naive to a fault, he always means well. Yet he seems to mess up everything, and his parents just don't understand. Even though, they gave him a lifetime inspirating by letting him meet his uncle as a foal. He's been obsessed with discovering the secret world at the bottom of the sea ever since. His cutie mark is baking minty treats, and he feels as if he's being pushed into this dull, boring lifestyle. Screw working 9 to 5 in a pointless Hoofington job. He's a dreamer."

And then do the same with the rest of your OCs. Write as much as you want to help yourself as your own reference.

I'm going to go ahead and claim "Whispers At Twilight" by PsuedoPegasi.

Tags: [Normal]
Synopsis: "Fluttershy gets bitten by a werewolf from the Everfree Forest, but when a side effect of the changes is extra confidence, she starts to wonder

if the cure is such a good idea. Even if she does start to behave a little 'differently' otherwise..."

A one-shot story in the spirit and style of an episode of the show itself.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1j54nbMkPxF9VelKfRSvzU9JOHzjp_Sn9-InMEL4S6lk/edit?hl=en_US
EqD Pre-reader response/complaint(s):

1) Basic writing. There's a lot of 'This happened. Then that happened. Someone did this. There was a noise. It scared a pony.' While it imparts information, it isn't very interesting to read.


All in all, the spelling is alright as is the grammar and punctuation. Author, in all honesty, I still can't let this go. It's too... well, basic.

You've got a decent idea here, but you need to flesh it out more. Get away from the basic style of writing and have fun with it.

Special Request: All I'm looking for is a stylistic review and assistance in fixing the problem noted in the email.

Hello peoples of /fic/. I love what you've done with the place. I have a submission that I'm just going to leave here on the table. If somepony were to take this submission and I don't know, review it. Well, maybe that pony would be an awesome dude, maybe an awesome dudette. We'll see.

Name: Twilight Incorporated
Author: Cainiam
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Alternate Universe] [Comedy] [Adventure]

Synopsis: In an alternate reality where Alicorns never existed sits the Republic of Equestria. Twilight Incorporated is the brainchild of one Twilight Tinker, an offbeat businesspony whose inventions brought the Republic into a golden age. In one of their high-tech facilities a group of quirky scientists are trying to make teleportation a reality for everypony. Unfortunately, a miscommunication forces the team to test an incomplete product and the results become out of this world.

Links:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hsvBjTksA94MsY9CSmXOUUXXrlLF55FHSfuEn3cphfs/edit

Chapter 2:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uC-QamTyYyndoWuKbE4L6oLsdFWnU1FejUVIQJyL-s0/edit

Word count is exactly 9,000.

>>87882
I went ahead and put the document in my own google doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1acjhu5sZKENUOUVvjjfJ-ukOyLipG1AuvRS0_VYhWPc/edit

I'll go through it and make comments then. I apologize if I'd made any errors in transmission.

>>87895
Did you get any more of a response besides those three lines?

>>87913
You should probably put names and titles in those documents that say something like:
"Blah by Blah"
"Chapter Blah"

>>87927
From EqD? Not likely.

>>87927
>>87933
I could copy-paste the whole thing, but it's clearly a template-based response. I just copied what was relevant to my story, leaving out the generic parts.

>>87636
WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

>>87190
Why not? This'll be done in a jiffy.

>>87716

I understand your criticism. Now, in the words of Jules Winnfield, "allow me to retort."

1. I haven't quite settled on a style yet. This is still a work in progress, and I'm hoping to get some feedback in order to figure the direction in which I want this fic to go.
2. I have been revising this, I just need to revise it some more in order to make it better.
3. It's hard for me to dump exposition on the readers all at once.
4. The character's past is supposed to be left obscure in order to add an element of mystery about him.
5. I know he comes off as a bit of a jerk, but he's not supposed to be the cool guy that every pony likes.
6. I fixed up some of the grammar and structure in the fic, as well as replacing the first paragraph in response to your review.
7. I removed the outside story to avoid confusion.
8. If I elaborated on every single little detail of my fic, that would ruin the suspense of it. Plus, I'd never get past entry one. I'm going to elaborate on the backstory when it comes into play in the actual fic.
9. My character is talking to himself here. As such, he might refer to the audience, himself, as "you."
10.You quit on my fic before you actually got to the story. I don't mean to insult, but that's incredibly unprofessional. Please read all the way through before you jump to conclusions next time, please.

I appreciate your feedback and I will incorporate it into my fic as best I can. Thank you.

Whispers At Twilight comment - PsuedoPegasi please read!

The document is at: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1acjhu5sZKENUOUVvjjfJ-ukOyLipG1AuvRS0_VYhWPc/edit

I've spent a while looking at Whispers At Twilight, and I see a huge amount of pretty simple errors. I understand that everyone makes mistakes (especially as a very new author), but I really think that it's in both of our best interests if you spend more time proofreading your story. I'm not here to work as an editor (and this thread is not for editing).

I could keep reviewing, but I'm reaching a pretty high frustration level just at the end of page one. I would really, really like you to go back and edit this yourself. I'm not saying that I'm dropping this story, but I feel that you haven't put as much attention into this story that you should have. I can't help you if you're not helping yourself.

I don't want to drop this. Consider this review on hiatus. If you want someone else to look at it, that's fine with me. I've already left a big smattering of comments on page one. Hopefully, I've pointed you in the right direction.

>>87934
I don't know of anyone who uses a 'template' amongst the pre-readers, but we do have some problems that are common enough that when we see them we typically end up saying the same thing for those.
And now I return to lurking.

>>87959
I ended up writing this:
https://docs.google.com/document/m?id=1nkus7MAB13lPzE1m1M7jtP2I16R9EkOiSDnrEv-XVdY
That was when I reviewed frequently enough that I saw the same manner of error enough times to make it worthwhile.

To the shadows with me as well.

>>87939
yay

also, concerning diving into concept reviews, one of my stances in life is that every situation is different and has to be treated as such. For reviewing this means that to me sometimes something that goes against common usage or rules can occasionally be done in a way that works. People often cite Shakespeare as examples of how to follow a rule or example without realizing he basically pioneered a large part of the English language.

I don't know why I feel that is important to say, but the end result is that I think I will join in either here, one of the other fine threds, or possibly my own thred. It would be a pre-review. Is there a place for thoughs?

>>87895
Style review comin' right up! Expect it in about a day.

In the meantime, you can take a look at my new reviewer statement (http://derpy.me/uQgc1) to get an idea of what to expect.

>>87939
>>87190
Detailed comments in doc.

General thoughts:
- Not a bad premise, but it's screaming out for more detailed development. It's all over with so quickly, that I didn't have time to become emotionally invested in the story.
- There are many problems with punctuating quotations and using repetitive words and phrases.
- There's a lot of telling going on. Actions are listed in simple terms, but we get none of the emotional content or details of each scene. I can't visualize the setting, and I can't see what the characters are doing beyond some mechanical movements. Give me the facial expressions, body language, more dialogue, posture, and reactions to dialogue that flesh out the action and make it come alive in my mind. This should be an emotional story, but it just wasn't there. It was words on a page, not an experience.
- Develop the whole conflict better. The solution was awfully quick, and didn't really require a doctor's intervention. There needs to be a more convincing problem here, and develop it slowly, over the course of multiple doctor visits.
- The doctor needs some justification for his comment at the end, which just felt off-the-cuff, where it could be powerful.
- The characters seem flat. There may not be many to develop, depending on how far you want to go with this story, but I get no sense of Pinkie's personality.
- There's an abrupt time jump that should be a scene break.
- With a drawn-out conflict, richer characterization, and more showing, it wouldn't be that hard to make this story much longer.

Good idea for a plot. Keep writing, and have fun with it.

>>87942
I'm glad to hear that you're still writing away, in any case, allow me to answer some of your comments:

1: Because you chose to do a journal, much of the style has already been determined. Aside from a requirement to adhere to the 'rules' of journals, your style was still jumbled. When revising, style is the most important thing you need to look for. Bad style is an insta-kill for anyone reading your fic. Your next point (the one about determining a direction for your fic) is interesting. I'mma leave this right here: >>87557

2: I'm not buying this. There is no way that a formatting error in which an indent is underlined wouldn't get caught. That's not even a writing skill; it's purely visual.

3: When did I tell you to dump all your exposition in one place? One of the reasons I stopped reading was because you had no description, no exposition, and consequently, your world was about as interesting as the white wall I stared at for a few seconds at a time when I was putting off reading the next paragraph of your fic.

4: If the character's past is supposed to be left obscure to make him mysterious, then tell us about his present. Of course, the prior statement assumes that a mysterious character is even a good idea in this case (which it isn't). If you don't justify your character's actions or at least show us that your character has a point, he'll just come off as (and trust me, he did come off as) an absolute prick. In addition, I had no idea what the character was really about, or what he represented (aside from self insert HiE OC). Finally, no matter how mysterious you want your character to be, the reader still needs a name and a face.

5: We don't have to like him, we have to understand him. A good example is the book "Things Fall Apart" by Chinua Achebe. Okonkwo was a wife beater, he murdered his adopted son to maintain face with his tribe, and his first idea was always "Fight!" That said, Okonkwo was still a good character that the reader could relate to because he was understood. The book painted a clear picture of who he was, and what drove him; as a result, when things turned bad and he started doing bad things, he didn't flat-out get branded a jerk. His saving grace was being well understood.

6: Awesome.

7: Also awesome.

8: With all due respect, as it stands, the READER can't get past entry one (at least not any readers that I know). Secondly, your back story was in play the moment you brought it up. You told us he was ticked-off over some crashed impromptu concert. Suspense ruined: check. Reader given an amusing anecdote: uncheck. Character motivation explained: uncheck. Do I still think he's a whiny douche after reading that? Yes. Dear Celestia, yes. One thousand times, YES!

9: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSxD7ANFONM

10: Trust me when I say that I made it further than most. In a fic, you have one, maybe two paragraphs to grab your reader's attention. If someone reads the first paragraph and he/she isn't engaged, fine, second chances can be given. If someone makes it four paragraphs in and wants a time-refund, you've failed. Your reader has alt+tabbed and is most likely watching MLP, reading a better fic, or playing Minecraft. The only reason I even got as far as I did was because I agreed to review it. I know of /fic/ reviewers past and present who would have read your first paragraph or two and said “LOL NOPE!” before booting your piece from their queue. That said, as a reviewer, it's also not a good sign when I have 1200 words of criticism to every 400 words of text. You had so many recurring problems that after a while, I felt like repeatedly braining myself on a wall every time I had to point out another instance. In regards to professionalism, professionals would have had the same “LOL NOPE!” reaction described above.

I'm done. If you feel that any of these responses are unfair, feel free to take it up with me. In the meantime, I have some essays to write.

Title: The Pony Scrolls: Nightfall

Tags: (To be determined for the most part at the moment) [Adventure] [Grimdark] [Crossover] [Alternate Universe]

Synopsis: Steel Wind, a lowlife mercenary thrown into the Canterlot City Prison, finds himself thrust into a world teetering on the brink of destruction after an attack by the Daedric Cults scatters the Elements of Harmony across the world. Now he must race against time as the cults regain strength to find the elements and put an end to their plans.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YkewVUPsOBtGghAzuFviEev_1srcBlsBkuzVDTxqcrc/edit

Comments: It is not a Skyrim crossover. It will also probably be confusing for those not familiar with the series but I’ve been trying to explain it as I go on. I believe though that I've made enough changes for it to be much better but I would like another opinion just to be sure.

>>88009
Not to be snippy, but you seem to be saying both "it's a crossover" and "it's not a crossover" at the same time in that post.

>>87987
>>87698
Thank you very much for the review. I finished with what you and Sjnugee gave me and hope to do a second pass to liven up the story and emotional attachment.

One question/request though. The doctor was not required for the solution in the sense that 'a' doctor was not required for a solution. However I initially decided to go with a doctor as that seemed the direction parents would go if they needed help with a foal who couldn't walk. With the rework of the solution I did I feel this is less of an issue. However I was wondering if you could take a second look at that part and give me your thoughts (on whether it works, and if the doctor seems a appropriate rout to go.).

I most certainly will have fun good sir or madam. and I hope you do as well.

>>88013

Yeah I see that now. It had a followup sentence that explained that it was more of an Oblivion crossover to clarify people potentially assuming that it was a Skyrim crossover based on the title but since I've been up for too long things mysteriously disappear.

I'm going to go ahead and look at "A Ruined Mind" by fire64.

Synopsis: The Shroud of Shadows was either a real artifact that could bestow Nightmare Moon’s power to whosoever wore it, or the greatest myth ever created by poetic metaphors and mistranslations. Daring Do’s specialty is not quite related to Nightmare Moon and the Dawn Age itself; yet when rumors surfaced that the location of the final battle between Celestia and Nightmare Moon she cannot resist investigating the veracity of said rumors. Even if it means going into the hitherto unexplored Everfree Forest with only herself and the unicorn she has come to see as her sister.

Links:

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UIyMv5eC425u4tSyqYb2UHKLl1YYMG2q1sDyK4nlebc/edit
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1frfSMgT4_6BZ_mKnJbFZ7pIOEbMEJiduge4Ch_H6lKs/edit

Comments: One thing I’m worried about is my tendency to lose descriptive powers the longer I’m into a chapter. Someone has also commented that the dialogues are a bit boring, so I’d like to know if that’s true/how to fix it.

A Ruined Mind was written by fire64, and he or she uploaded it to fimfiction here http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7433/A-Ruined-Mind This will be more of a general review since it's not on Google Docs. Personally, I think there's nothing wrong with not putting on GD if you don't want to. Don't sweat it.

You start the whole thing off with: The dark night was quiet, calm and it would be quite tranquil, if not for the stench of death that filled the air. A mighty fortress once stood tall on a cliff edge, but now, it stands in ruins. A battle has taken place here, one of the utmost importance. One final clash between two fractions which would decide whether the war would end, or rage on.

Several annoying things stick out immediately. Calling the night "dark" is pretty redundant. Same thing happens with "quiet", "calm", and "tranquil" all being used at the same time. I see comma misuse. I see the passive voice everywhere. I see dancing into something like present tense with "now". In terms of a hook, I guess it's serviceable since you're describing a scene that draws the audience in. Still, though, I think that having two paragraphs before you introduce the main character doesn't work too well. Plus, you don't identify her as Fleur until a long ways in.

These issues don't get any better as the story goes on. The whole thing is littered with dull, dry, and descriptive language. You'll say something like "He was bleeding" instead of "He bled" all of of the time.

I would rewrite the opening to something like:
"The stench of death wafted through the tranquil night. Fleur de Lis glanced off at the jagged remains of the once mighty fortress around her, eyes running along the piles of brick and mortar to the piles of bodies. She knew that the battle had to have decided the fate of the whole war. She forced the thoughts of the slain Lunar queen out of her mind as she gazed down at the severely injured grey colt in her arms. She shifted her flowing pink mane out of her face and held him closer, still unable to believe that she might lose her best friend in the world.

You see what I mean? Tie things to the characters immediately. Avoid passive voice language. There are some small little errors, like since when is Fleur a "yellow pony", but first and foremost is that you need to emphasize showing the story rather than just [/i]telling[/i] it.

Be sure to watch out for comma and apostrophe usage as well. Something like Tears filled the mares eyes and she began bawling over his lifeless body. should be Tears filled the mare's eyes, and she began bawling over his lifeless body.

The change between the first and second chapter is really disruptive. You have this little paragraph that serves as some kind of transition, but it has some really dull and descriptive language. It also rips the reader away from the character, and you wouldn't want that.

I'd change the whole "The carriage seemed to go unnoticed..." part into something in which the reader follows Fluer specifically as she does something such as goes for a walk or tends to some flowers or looks for a personal keepsake or something. Then, have her reminisce about what the Lunar Republic meant to her as well as what Celestia new tyranny represents in her mind.

Broadly speaking, I like how she went back to her old neighborhood and walked around. I like how she went back into her old house. At the same time, I think her little nervous breakdown moment needs a lot of work. She should be realizing that she's just seeing things and that it's just a delusion. I also would like it a lot more if she didn't just lose it upon falling asleep. You should show a greater window into her mind. Talk about what she things her future is now going to be. Talk about her worries. Talk about how she's physically very stressed.

[to be continued]

>>88041
Let me go ahead and divide things up as I usually do.

Grammar / spelling: Look at what I said before. There's a lot of passive voice related issues. In terms of the 'show, don't tell' trope, this whole story really felt 'told' to me from about start to finish. Try looking at the whole thing from the beginning in, say, a different format. Go to zoho or something like that. That might help you to see things in a fresher light as you edit.

Characters / storyline: I like the idea of turning what the fandom calls an 'escort sluthooves' type character into somepony that's a wounded warrior. I like seeing her react to a horrible situation in which she lost so much for an ultimately hopeless cause. Still, even though your ideas are pretty sweet, I think that the execution leaves a lot to be desired.

As a reader, I need to be put into Fleur's head immediately. I need a lot more insight from the get-go about her background, how she thinks, what she believes, and so on. Talk about what she saw in Nightmare Moon. Talk about her loyalty to 'queen and country'. Talk about what made her willing to kill her fellow ponykind. I need a sense of drive when I read about Fleur.

Then, I need more of a sense of total despair and hopelessness as what she fought for came to nothing. Go into more details. Show her worrying about her family. Show her worrying about becoming a prisoner. Show her worrying about political persecution at the hands of Celestia's forces.

She just goes home and sleeps, really. I don't see too much 'there' there. I just expect more in the way of, well, drama. In wartime, you don't know what you're coming home to. Will your house be there? Will you find a job? Will you see the tree that you used to play ball around as a foal? As a reader I was expecting to have emotion dripping from word after word.

I would write something like:
[ Fleur nudged herself against the edge of the cart, flashing back to her old days leaving home. She pictured Celestia's awful banners stretching all across the street where she used to walk her dogs around. An image of the library just a short walk from her house popped up behind her eyes. She saw it crumbling in a matter of seconds, with the books, shelves, and everything else burning from a unicorn's munition. Fleur waved her hooves over her face, trying both not to cry as well as to come to her senses.]

Plot: Fleur goes insane from the trauma of war. The problem is that this will only work if you really make the audience care (and I mean really care) about her as well as if you have some ambiguity about what going insane will mean. I see a lot of promise here.

I would go ahead and try to flesh out the plot with more details about Fleur. Does she have family and friends that are still counting on her post-war? Could there be a special colt in her life that could very well 'save her' (if she lets him do so)? The plot should reflect a well-rounded character.

[to be continued]

>>88055
Summary: I'd give it, say, a 3 out of 5 overall so far. Chapters one and two need a lot of work. Yet you have some pretty good ideas. So, the story should shine brighter and brighter as you work on it. I hope this helps.

>>88056
Wow. That review format was awesome, mind if I steal it?

Title: A Dash of Magic
Name: Zaiker42
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Normal][Shipping]

Synopsis: Everyone deserves a second chance. You just have to be loyal enough to be the one to give it. Who knows? Maybe something will come out of it. Maybe something you've always been searching for, without even knowing it will appear. Something…Great and Magical, even.

Links:
Chapter 1: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8732/1/A-Dash-of-Magic/A-Dash-of-Magic---Part-1

Comments: Re-submitting for review after already getting a few others to look at it for me. Far from perfect.

>>88064
Claimin' this. Might get the review done now, or might have to wait until i wake up this afternoon.

>>88063
Go right ahead! I'm glad that you liked it!

>I think I stole it from Ryonne in the first place. I think.

>>88026
This sounds like a fun piece. Claiming!

YES! It's looking like I might have my review for "Through the Eyes of the Hurricane" done tonight!

>>88067
>>88063
Ah, now that I look at it, it was Cadmium, Sparkle, and ChowderHead's style that I adapted that from. I think. (Too keep attributions right) :P

>>88071
Doesn't matter. I'm just incredibly grateful that you introduced me to this format. This is going to save me sooooo much time! (click to find out why: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PxNpR_OpZRpMLfRdRAFCvdCJUXZC8C0VNhI26FSDJtY/edit)

Oh, hey, I added my own story on the doc but I forgot to post it here. Derpy Derpy.

Title: The Pony League

Name: SwiperTheFox

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EK36RbvWi8oCjjUmcc-p5IddSCzwuHkhqEMkYcoNoaQ/edit

Email: [email protected] (I'd much rather discuss things here, though, since email has been screwy for me)

Tags: [Normal] [Slice of Life] [Friendshipping]

Short Synopsis: "Twilight's friendship with Rarity strains almost to the breaking point as a musical hero visits Ponyville and winds up in the hospital. Twilight gets involved with a radical, transgressive post-punk group as an outlet of her frustration."

Extended synopsis: "Equestria's most notorious musical group, The Pony League, makes a stop in Ponyville on their mayhem-filled, Equestria-wide tour. They blow out speakers, scream for political revolution, throw out obscene gestures, squeal feedback throughout the town square, and smash instruments just inches from ponies' faces. And that's just the first song. Most horses feel shocked and horrified by their sound, their ideology, and their callous attitude. Yet Twilight finds them utterly fascinating, and she takes them on as a sort of psychological science project. Her friends think Twilight has truly lost it. She also fears that Princess Celestia will not take very kindly to a group ranting about her 'tyrannical rule'. Yet something about them and their handsome lead singer, Ian, touches Twilight's heart as well as her mind."

Comments: I have this up on fimfiction, but I've already changed the google docs version and I think that the GD's one is a lot better. Anyways...

I guess what I'm going for here, broadly speaking, is that there is a kind of 'break-up' between Twilight and Rarity (friendship sense, not the romance sense). Twilight gets with this creepy stallion as a sort of semi-revenge as well as from genuine desire to understand how these weird post-punky ponies tick. That friendshipping fails and she gets back with Rarity. In a musical sense, Rarity represents happy, smooth music in the Osmonds / Carpenters / Bread / Carly Simon / James Taylor / etc sense with social conformity. This band that Twilight gets involved with represents full coltcuddling abandonment in the dark, depressive, underground musical sense of The Fall / Joy Division / Gary Numan / etc sense.

I'm really not happy with this story. I feel like there's something in the underlying idea that could work really well. Yet most reviewers that have looked at the story haven't liked it from the get go. I'd like much more detailed help than just "I don't like it". Where do I go from here? Thanks!

>>88072
Glad I could help!

>>87811
Well, I did mine like so:

Human is tasked with job by the gods of Equestria. Human's mind is forcibly imprinted with a journal spell that records his thoughts. Said journal is for his own good; that is, so that he does not forget who he is because his consciousness is later transplanted into the body of Gummy, as he jumps around the thaumatic realm dealing with the loose ends in reality caused by Pinkie. He is at risk of having his consciousness "eroded" by the simpler, more rooted instincts of the alligator.

As long as there's a relatable reason (in this case, as a safeguard against insanity), it'll be fine. It's when there isn't a relatable reason that disbelief arises. 'least that's how I see it.

>>87759
You might miss this, but I'll just state this for the record.

When writing OC ponies, it is always best to focus more on their characters and motivations first. Ideally, you should start with one main character, and move on from there. Starting at the beginning in one go like this risk doing what you just did: introducing too many characters of whom we have little or no emotional connection with. In your case, I'll start with the captain, since she's clearly the one you seem to want to focus on.

>>88072
I can't open the doc. Not sure about others though. Will delete this post when I get home.

>>88090
That fic sounds amazing! Could I get a link? (don't click the gif unless you want to trip)

[Adventure] [Dark] [Sad]

[Adventure] [Dark] [Sad]

Description: A thousand years ago, a princess decides to step out of her sister's shadow and make a bid for power. Her fall has become legend, but her meteoric rise to power has been mostly forgotten. This is the story of how Luna almost became a hero, but instead became a Nightmare.

Link to folder: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B6Th2PP0a5nBa3ZmcnhENF9SUVM2cWRaLU1tcFNQZw

Parts 1-2, now in the umpteenth round of editing. I still think it needs more eyes on it, with my ultimate idea being to submit it to EqD.

>>87943
I appreciate the time you took but it's made me realise that writing clearly isn't something I can do at a competent level. I'll drop the whole thing. I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I knew it'd be bad but that much just makes me want to shoot myself for even thinking I could actually write something.

Thanks again. The only other thing is I'd appreciate it if you took that link down to, so it's not available to view any more.

Sorry if this seems a little dramatic. I just feel really disappointed in myself about it, so I'm bound to be a little dramatic at the moment.

... Hey, PsuedoPegasi
I dug this up for you.

>>88122
http://sordideuphemism.tumblr.com/post/15426941729/writers-whether-new-or-accomplished-learning-or

It's here too: >>76133 but the formatting on that one is more direct.

Yes, you're being a drama llama, but you're not wasting anyone's time. It's not even like you're not getting a review. No one comes into anything at the top of the game, and that's actually a fairly positive rejection there.

>>87895
Comments left in your doc. Rest of the review in this doc:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jnkfBA-EtRQPYP08OfbByDg1FP11s7PQPNKO-WuaRis/edit

tl;dr: The prereader was spot-on. You need to experiment with language usage and have fun with your writing.

>I'm going to bed now.

>>88132
Not to sound more like a drama llama but I just got the impression that there was not a single redeeming factor about the story, and the guy was just trying to be nice about it. Now with that in mind, I feel like I've taken up someone's time with something useless, which in turn makes me feel like a bit of a dick.

None the less I appreciate you trying to get me to see the better side of things. I'll see what I can do with it but I don't think I fully understand this passive voice thing even now. I must of got into some really bad habits when I started typing casually and never even noticed. I'll read up on it and maybe give it one more shot.

Sorry for clogging the thread with my drivel.

[Normal][Adventure]

Behind every great book is a great writer. Almost everypony knows of the intrepid adventures of Daring Do, but few know the truth about her creator.

This is the story of Opal Parchment, a young mare trying to finish the last Daring Do adventure before it's too late. Her quest lands her in Ponyville, where Opal gets the unexpected help of two of her biggest fans.

I do hope to get this on EqD at some point, so this is a pre-emptive review. I'm mainly concerned with my character being too Suish, and my sentence structure (which I've been chided for before)

Thanks in advance.

>>88151
This story was far too short for me to glean any information on your main character. The plot was barebones and the exposition lacked almost all forms of description.

Next time, post with a link.

>>88157

Bugger, my face is red right now. Alright, let's try this again...

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PsPsQxQ1FoOuYfiyKH6sAiaP_CTp7ZQIDQJurN66LhM/edit

>>88158
In case you haven't noticed, there is a nice link to a submission form in the OP in case you missed.

>>88161

Already on the list, if you bothered to check. I haven't derped as much as you give me credit for...

>>88122
>>88132
>>88148
If I didn't like the story at least a little bit in the first place, then I wouldn't have picked it to review and made tons of comments through the first page. If I didn't like it, then I would have quit from the get-go. It's an okay story; it just needs a lot more work. It's still just in the embryonic state right now, and so it needs editing rather than reviewing. I'm not an editor, so I have to point you somewhere else.

I said that it didn't want to drop it. I just said that you just needed to put more work into it. You should also think about finding an editor (maybe here on fic?) or someone else to help you out.

If you still want me to take down the link, I will. But don't worry. You didn't "waste my time" or anything like that. Just think things over.

>>88163
trust me Mega, it wasn't an attack. More of a little reminder. I'm lazy and didn't bother to check the doc...

>pic because lulz

>>88164
Listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4_LMMKq8Hw And read: http://www.beatlesbible.com/songs/thatll-be-the-day/

It's the Beatles' first recording, which they made as the Quarrymen on 14 July 1958. Notice something? It's good, but it's not really 'that good'. It certainly doesn't compare to well to "Can't Buy Me Love" or "I Saw Here Standing There" et cetera.

So, don't sweat it if it's just your first or second story. Really.

>>88158
One thing right off the bat: You don't really need to repeat full names over and over again. You can just shorten Rainbow Dash to Rainbow, Daring Do to Daring, and so on. Otherwise, the story looks interesting from the get-go.

>Not a review, but just friendly advice.

>>88137
Review acknowledged.

Frankly, I'm considering this one, at 14k words straight and having to fix it for two sources, more trouble to truly fix than it's worth. I got about a third of the way through the ", then" references before realizing how much time had gone by, and the tedium was maddening.

No, I think my time is better spent on other works, at least for the time being (And at least that sounds like more fun).

Regardless, thank you for your time and the review. I might get around to finishing the other changes and revisions some weekend or another, but for now it's just lost priority.

>>88110
Not to come across as a dick, but isn't it kind of pointless for you to ask for a review, make no / barely any changes, ask for another review immediately, wash, rinse, repeat, etc.

This isn't really helping anyone.

I'm going to go ahead and claim AidanMaxwell's "My Little Old Republic Part III". It looks interesting.

>>88184
If they're not making their fixes, then they get blacklisted. Don't be afraid to call authors that don't do corrections on shopping for reviewers.

>>88184
>>88187

I'm sorry if you think I didn't do enough. I tried to address every concern from my reviewer and thanked him for it, including a complete rewrite of several paragraph, changing the tone of a major character, and a near total rewrite from passive to active voice. I though that was all I needed to address in this round before taking another run at it.

>>88202
Sorry, that anon was me. I am on my tablet and forgot to put my name in.

>>88064
Oh boy. We have some problems here. This is probably going to be the harshest review I've ever written and I'm going to feel bad about this later.

Writing Style and Technical Issues

There are enough issues that even with selective culling, I had two pages of corrections to make before I'd even got a quarter way into your story. I don't think it'd be practical to point them all out in the same way I usually do, so instead I will merely provide a few examples. You have problems with comma placement, word order and sentence construction.

>She stared into Trixie's eyes, the amount of tears built up causing the bright, violet orbs
This is a very, very awkward construction. Change this to "She stared into Trixie's bright, violet eyes" and rewrite the sentence based around that.

You also have a problem with splitting dialogue between sentences and not making these sentences fit properly:

>share it with Tr-," she stopped herself. She was just about sick of hearing her own name, "me?"

Spelling is basically fine except for the occasional typo.

Artistic Issues

Avoid lavender unicorn syndrome (using species and colour rather than other descriptive terms or the character's name). Dialogue and description are both woefully flat. Here are some examples:

>She continued to move silently among the streets
Very sparse.

>"You were the pegasus at my show. The one who felt I was stealing her thunder."
>"Come to kick a mare while she's down?"
>"I wouldn't really blame you."
>"You haven't? But... but, you hate Trixie. You should hate Trixie, at least. Everypony should. I'm such a fraud."
For dialogue coming from a distraught, weeping mare, this is written in an exceptionally even and flat tone. When people are crying their voices shift in pitch unpredictably, they stammer, words and sentences are left unfinished and they lose track of what they're saying easily. However, with Trixie, you can add something on top of all of that to really show she's breaking down - nix her third-person speech. Notice that there's precedent for this in Boast Busters - when she's distressed, she'll drop her grandiose mode of speech and start saying "I".

>just let all of her pent-up emotions flow.
Show us more of this.

>She regretted her behavior, but she didn't know how to fix her mistakes.
Show us more of this, too.

In some places you do the opposite and are unneccessary descriptive, verging purple:

>She stared into Trixie's eyes, the amount of tears built up causing the bright, violet orbs

>eyes threatening to let loose another torrent of sadness from behind the quickly fading dam of willpower

Tone that down and apply some of the descriptional weight to the sparser sections of your story.

This entire story is in need of a major re-write and I can't see it going anywhere in particular until that happens.

Here's a tip for writing dialogue - speak the lines out loud to yourself and see if they seem natural to say. If you're good at imagining voices, read them in the voice of the character they're supposed to come from. This won't help you write character-perfect lines every time, but it will at least weed out the ones that sound completely out-of-character.

Plot

There doesn't seem to be any major plot issues that I can see, but this story irritates me so much because it's a mediocre execution of a fairly fresh and interesting idea. Trixie/Dash is a very uncommon ship and I'd like to see it explored further but you haven't really given me the emotional and descriptive gravitas neccessary to make me interested in the story. I don't feel the characters being upset and conflicted.

Summary

I'm not sure I'm the best reviewer to help you with this story. It does hold promise purely from its fresh and interesting concept but it needs serious revisions before it's ready for primetime. Consider carefully the weight of the situations you're putting your characters in, and give serious thought to how they would react. This is a story about sadness and love, and for it to be compelling we need to become invested in the characters. Give us a reason to care.

Title: "My Little Old Republic"

Author: AidanMaxwell

Reviewer: Swiper

I'm about halfway into this, and I'd like to comment about a few things. I've tried to leave a lot of Google Docs notes. I'll finish going through the rest of it soon In general, though, let me go through it my usual way right now.

Grammar / spelling: You need to watch out for the passive voice. Broadly speaking, I can see that you're trying to avoid that, and the story isn't too bad on that front. Still, you want to be darned sure that you're rooting it out when it pops up.

Characters / storyline: Pinkie and Dash both need some work. Pinkie seems, well, too much like a prop. You need to flesh her out. Show her reactions. Show her contributing more to the conversations. Show her movements. Show her motivations and her inner conflict. Pinkie even seems useless... in the battlefield. She's a smuggler. She should be able to fight.

Dash's portrayal seems, well, just okay. She also really needs to be fleshed out more. What's going through her mind? As well, it just seems too OOC for her to threaten that guy with death just for being a dick. I would expect that of a sith and not an element of harmony.

The storyline seems fine. I love KOTOR, and so I'm in the target audience. Still, though, I'd like more descriptions and details in terms of what's going on. They're by a camp. They're by a road that's in the middle a warzone. I have no idea what these places look like. They have blasters. I'd like to see them having to reload, worrying about it overheating, and so on. I need details.

Think of these scenes in your mind. Picture them just as if you were watching them in a movie theater. Try to get the full picture down on the page.

Plot: I'd try to expand things more than just 'Separatists attack!' Talk about why the road is so important, why this area is being fought over, and so on. There needs to be more 'there' there.

Summary: I'll be honest and say that I started this off excited. But then I felt more 'meh' as time went on. I'll be sure to go ahead and review the whole thing like I promised. Don't worry.

[to be continued]

>>88016
There is more of a sense now that the doctor is making an effort. However, the solution is still something that I can't believe parents wouldn't try. Having trouble walking? Hold the child up and help. It just seems natural . It would lend more emotional weight if there were an actual medical problem involved.

Also, a lot of the rewrites suffer from the same problems as the original in grammar, punctuation, and phrasing errors. Look back through the comment stream and make sure you really understand the corrections that were suggested, so you can learn from them and avoid making more in the future.

>>88205
*flinch* Ow ... that hurt a little. But I do see what you mean. Honestly, I'm trying my hardest, but I'm not exactly an experienced writer in ANY sense of the word. Thank you for your time and your review, and I'll see if i can try to improve, but ...

I don't think I'll be re-writing anything anytime soon. Heck, this took too long as is. I know it's far from being perfect, but the most I'll do is some occasional edits here and there.

Sorry this wasn't as great as you'd hoped, and sorry my writing's a bit bland. Like I said, thank you, and I'll take what you said into consideration, but I really don't know what to do with it.

Cheers,
~Zaiker42

>>88209
Since the author has started editing the original Google Docs, I guess I'd just retrospectively turn my 'Preliminary Review' into my 'Review.

Two more things=

Summary: The biggest two things are (a)describe the scene in more detail, so that it doesn't come across as 'talking heads' followed by 'random battle' and (b)make Dash and Pinkie more IC. Neither Dash nor Pinkie should threaten to kill a mere informant as well as to actually murder a surrendering injured enemy solider (both things that would make a Republic solider court-martialed I think). The latter thing is pretty serious, IMO.

Overall, I'd give this-- at least the part that I got through-- something like a 3 to 3.5 out of 5. There's a great premise here, but it needs a lot of work. I hope that I helped.

>>88216
Sorry for butting in, but I need to point out that there's no time limit to these things. Work on your story when / if you can. Don't worry about it too much. Also, don't let what happened to one story pigeonhole you as an author. Everyone has off days. As well, all great stories had to start from somewhere. That's usually somewhere small.

I'm not disagreeing with Stormchaser. I'm just saying that you don't have to sweat it.

>>88216
I can deeply sympathise on the whole "rewriting sucks" thing. I'm currently going through chapter after chapter of work I've been doing lately and occasionally I feel like throwing up my hands and just yelling "Fuck it!".

My advice is to practice. Practice writing as much as you can. Read and re-read your work and ask yourself if it conveys what you want it to convey. If you want it reviewed, toss it here in the Training Grounds and somepony will pick it up. I can't say it'll be easy but I can promise you that you will get better. You'll start recognising some problems as you write them and correct them immediately, and you'll avoid other problems altogether.

Perseverence is hard but it's also worth it.

Can someone explain to me why maintainers and reviewers are segregated? I don't get it.

>>88222

I don't understand your meaning.

I'm going to go ahead and look at chapter one of "Twilight Incorporated" by Cainiam.

>>88055
I'd like to start off my thanking you for taking the time to read and review my fic. I have begun editing the story based on what you've said in your review so far. I'd also like to mention that the character Fleur in my story is not the same character from the show. When I began writing the story I had completely forgotten that there even was a character on the show named Fleur. So I apologize for any confusion this has caused. Once again, thank you.

>>79657

Once again, I copied the chapter into a gdocs and commented on it. I didn't go through marking any recurring errors that you had from the other chapter, so it'll be up to you to check for those.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_osgsgX-g2KjDe-97HDwr_NPRJxluPTvs_Nio7wf9UU/edit

Okay, the main thing about this story is that it's...rather bland. There's not a lot here that's really compelling. The reason is that not only do you tell a lot instead of show, but there is a lack of concrete detail to establish the Princesses emotions and motivations. In a short fic, it's imperative to make every line count. I recommend going through and getting rid of extraneous lines and elaborating on the significant lines you do have, making sure to show the character's emotions and thoughts instead of just telling us them directly. Also, I think you would benefit greatly by getting into the heads of Celestia and Luna and maybe have them reminisce on the planning of the event, any lingering doubts from the public about Luna, and so forth.

>>88151
>>88158
>>88163

Hey, Megatank, I would recommend that you break up your 9k word fic into, say, three chapters or maybe two. That would make it easier for reviewers. It also would be good in that, after getting a review for chapter one, you could then revise two and three with the new information.

>>88230
>>88231
>>88233
I would go ahead and change the name to something else, then. Also, I hope you liked my review. I tried to be pretty detailed.

>>84691
It's time I did my share of the long-ish fics. Expect a post after a few days.

If you happen by, answer me these questions two:

You've labeled this story as a crossover, but there's no indication of what the cross material is. Since you haven't pointed it out, I'm assuming no knowledge of it is needed to follow your story, but I'd be interested to know.

You've requested a review of Chapter 1, but the word count covers both chapters. How much do you want reviewed? I'll admit, the submission instructions are a bit vague on this point.

Also consider posting a temporary copy in GDocs, as it eases commenting for both of us. If you do, send me an email with the link. If not, I may paste a copy there anyway.

>>85544

Right, since Fluttershy's Shadow was claimed, I'll take the next Fluttershy fic down the line then, Moonshy.

Oh joy. Shipping.

[Normal]

Synopsis: Every pony in Ponyville has been having gum and teeth problems. Doctor Romana T. Colgate--the only dentist in Ponyville--finds herself swamped by the sudden surge of patients. With the help from several carriers of the Elementals of Harmony, she seeks out what really is going on and to find a way to stop it.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16qZZLLCHAA_kBC5-6boNQ-eZZfXWThx54GAVWTzTCmY/edit

Equestria Daily Response #2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EoBWEok8M5vKjjWjv2E40DtpWIAC-2ZvCmWh8hHz6lM/edit

>>88258
Are you looking for just a scenes and concepts review? Or are you looking for the whole package?

>>88278
Basically. I think I rushed several of the scene's without giving a good... emotional connection with the characters.(does that make sense?) I have no idea what I should do/add. :(

This is just a preliminary review based on the first three pages. For some reason, Google Docs is derping on me. I'm afraid that it's going to unsave stuff I write, and so I'll stop right now.

There's a lot of things that I'd like to talk about immediately while they're still fresh on my mind. I can keep going, but I'm sure that these issues play out later as well. I hope this helps.

Grammar / spelling / wording: I see a lot of comma-related problems. If I was just reading your story as an ordinary guy coming upon it on fimficiton, then I would be get irritated pretty fast even though I like your story in general.

A lot of the story is something like:
"It's going to rain, I'm so unhappy," Spike said, he grabbed his coat.

Whereas it should be:
"It's going to rain. I'm so unhappy," Spike said. He grabbed his coat.

One other thing: Semicolons are your friend. Love them. They already love you. So return their love. Why not use some more of them?

Two other things also stand out. You have a lot of redundant language. So, I'll read something like:

"May I come in?" said Sandra as she came in. She leaned forward and put her head upon the desk. Her hooves went down, upon the desk. She leaned in, with her bottom hooves in the desk.

"I'm so angry," said Todd in an furious voice.

I hate to come across as a "less is more" person/fox/pony/whatever that hates detail. Detail often is fantastic as a reader. At the same time, it's good to stop yourself as you write and think-- "Do I really need to say that?"

I also see a lot of unnecessary adverbs. Just keep in mind that you should let the actions speak for themselves when they can. Take a look at the following two sentences:

Twilight kicked against the chair. "I can't believe this new rule!" She said angrily. She picked up the paper forcefully and read it quickly. She made a noise furiously.

Twilight kicked against the chair. "I can't believe this new rule!" She fumed. She grabbed the paper and scanned it. She let out a furious moan.

Even then, there's a certain point where the reader is like: "I get it. Twilight is mad." Just be sure to look at the underlying subtext of what you're writing. It helps a lot.

I hope that I'm not coming across as a strict Stiffy McStifferson here. At the same time, I feel like you have a darn good story idea that should not be dragged down by simple mechanical things. You see what I mean?

Characters / storyline: You have all OCs for a while. I am totally okay with this myself, but I would expect a lot of readers to look at this and think: "Where's the pony?" To be honest, I feel like I'm reading a generic ABC sitcom transcript. I just think that you need to ground it in FiM more.

The hook is, to be honest, pretty 'meh'. You need to immediately snap the audience into the world of your story. Don't begin during the boring debate between the suits and the techies. Show the techies being awesome first.

Watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blV61SAoqGQ (God, I love that show)

There are office debates mentioned, yeah, but the emphasis should be more action oriented in the beginning. In the Google Doc, I made up this little opening scene:

{ The lid burst off the can, shooting yet another hole into the pockmarked ceiling tiles. The orange unicorn leaned forward and scowled. A white blob popped up and whacked him on the cheek.

"Doctor Veil, I told you that you have to test it in your mouth," the other technician said, slinking back behind the unicorn, "It's the salvia's enzyme reaction that makes the self-popping popcorn work!" He giggled.

Veil sighed, and he magically lifted up the can. He closed his eyes and guzzled down a bunch of kernels. He paused. "Stencil... I don't know..." he muttered, cheeks full.

A torrent of loud pops sounded off inside Veil's mouth. (and so on) }

This is just something random, but do you see what I mean?

The problem is that, well, your Veil character comes across as kind of a dick. I don't have any reference point to like this character. I have reasons to dislike the scum-sucking lawyer / economist ponies (although it pains me as a future M.S. in Economics grad myself) based on how you characterize them. But I need to see more of what's going on in Veil's head. Flesh out his friends and how they operate first. Then, bring in the suits.

When you bring in the female character, I see "You’re like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!" / "I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves!" / "If I was an enzyme, I’d be helicase so I could unzip your genes!" / "Is that a test tube, or are you just happy to see me!" etc everywhere.

Are they bonking? If not, then please don't bring in bonking subtext because it immediately gets confusing and distracting.

[to be continued]

>>88294
Plot: As an A.S. in Chemistry plus M.S. in Economics fox (hopefully upping the A.S. to something more in depth), the plotline felt like orgasmic reading for me. Still, keep in mind everything that I just posted before. I need to see the characters more fleshed out.

I'm writing this three pages in. The thing is: I'm afraid that Joe Schmo Brony might going to make it about two paragraphs before going 'meh'. Try to lay on the plot-spice in a more 'action' and more 'fun' way from the get-go.

Summary: I'd go with a 3.5 to 4 out of 5 so far. You just need to edit a lot of things, but you're pointed right where you need to go.

I said this was a preliminary review. So, I'll read the rest of chapter one and go on in detail if you want. Just let me know.

P.S. I listened to "The Smile Sessions" by the Beach Boys and "The Piper at the Gates of Dawn" by Pink Floyd as I read this. For some reason, it worked perfectly. Yay.

>>88108
It's... not going to be written for another half a year in progress. But, heh, glad you like the idea.

>>88073
Claiming "The Pony League". You've had had a few runs, if I recall correctly, so I'll assume you're okay with not getting line-by-line. It'll be more of a concept-geared review. I'm not sure if I can give you what you want, since it's been a heckuva long time since I've dissected a fic, but I can give you my honest stream of thoughts. Sound good?

>>88297
Okay, thanks. I've had four people look at it and talk about how they don't like it. I'd love a lot more than just "I don't like this part", please. I'd like it if you could be as specific as possible.

Thanks again.

Must... not... keep... reviewing... OCD acting up...

>>88288
>>88258
Ah, horseapples, I'll go ahead and look this over. Your synopsis just intrigues me to no end.

The story "Toothpaste" by Brotato doesn't end with a Cupcakes moment in which Colgate cuts up ponies to make their blood into toothpaste, does it? Or something like that?

I just looked at the EqD rejection, and I must say that I'm... not really interested in the story if you're going that way.

Yes, this is hypocritical of me as someone who's written Cupcakes-style stuff for fimfiction. But I must say that I didn't really enjoy writing and then reading that stuff.

>>88073
Line-by-line for the first three pages, and skimmed the rest.

To sum up my thoughts... what the hay did I just read?

Let's look at it chronologically first. This is my impression of the sequence of events.

1) You fling us into the middle of unexplained conflict. Twi and Rarity are at odds. Twi is unusually rueful, and Rarity is unusually unrepentant (ref. she gives up fancy living and status for her friends in Becoming Popular; her relationship with her friends, Twi in particular, means a lot more to her. Rarity would have put in a lot more effort to make it up to Twilight, more than this at least).

2) Twi struggles with what to do. Slightly draggy, because it's all just description and thought without anything actually happening.

3) Twi somehow gets knocked by a pony

4) Twi enters a dangerous-looking hatch

5) Twi walks around an adult facility of brazen indecency and keeps on going despite getting molested, albeit not deliberately

6) Twi steps into a bar

7) Ian what'shisnotaponyname's face

8) bunch of lyrics

9) Twi gets knocked out

You can probably see where my disbelief peaked. Now to walk you through the issues I have with this.

The two chapters are like two separate fics. I realize that this is incomplete, but you've left a whole, introductory plot just hanging there. It begs the question, "Where am I going and what have I gotten myself into?".

Twilight is not relatable because it's all tell and whining. Show us more of what she feels, not what she does. This, more so in the second chapter, where it felt like mostly just scenery and description. Twi is a convenient puppet through whose eyes the world is seen. I can't feel attached to this, though then again I can't really emotionally invest in fanfics, so I'm not the best person to hear this from.

Seriously, the heavy making-out and implied sex. What. I think the problem is two-fold, that is, firstly, Twi's age isn't specified I can't help but think that she's a teen of 15~17 human years. She's lived a sheltered life in canon, devoid of lust, greed and such - the shock value would be enough to make her physically ill, I feel. True, we're all beyond our age of innocence, but it's an element that you need to capture if you're using canon Twi. If you're not, you have to state this clearly and give a bedurn'd good explanation as to why not, because it's the qualities of good in FiM that readers resound to. Taking that away, well, you get the idea.

It's the same issue with Grimdark. Some people don't like it because it's so radically different from canon Equestria. Your underground rebel hole is exactly like that - it strikes me as an immoral anarchy where ponies' only goals are to make love and die young. It's a world apart from Equestria. It's not pleasant to get dragged into such a world in an instant.

Your plot relies on Twi making stupid choices,, mainly, choosing to go down the rusty(?) hatch and continuing on down, even though this is obviously out of her comfort zone. It's like landing in the deserts of East Africa and thinking, "Well, let's live here". It's not something people do without a bloody good reason, and Twi has not shown this.

Stylistic errors, minor errors, things that honestly kill the flow of the story are rather prevalent. It's a cumulative effect. The more of them you have, the worse the reader's impression of your story. You have a lot of them from the second sentence onwards, and it hurts your story significantly. Now, this is highly subjective, but this is what I feel as a reader.

I have gone into this fic without reading tags nor summary. Your tags strike me as a lie. =| What part of stumbling into a coltcuddling pit is [Normal]?

Ian is not a pony name. Seriously.

Well, that's it! Ask me anything, or if you want me to go deeper, I can try. I hope this helps.

>>88319

No, it doesn't end with a cupcakes thing. It's supposed to be a comedy but since it had a few chuckles here and there, the tag was turned to "normal" instead. If it was like that, it'd be tagged appropriately.

>>88320
Can you keep going with the line by line comments? They're really helpful. I'd also like to go through some of your points.

>You fling us into the middle of unexplained conflict.
I was planning on having chapters one and two happen, and then chapter three would be the flashback to the unfortunate incident in which Rarity put Twilight's icon into the hospital. To be honest, I haven't figured too well how I'm going to do that scene.

>Twi is unusually rueful, and Rarity is unusually unrepentant
In the context, I was thinking that Rarity is really worried given the graffiti is a clear "We the 99% majority ponies are going to burn your place down, you 1% capitalist marshmallow twerp" message. The fact that Twilight is so obsessed with this failed opportunity for her to see a personal hero sing and then talk music with her... that means that she doesn't really care about Rarity's problem as much as she should. From Rarity's POV, she just made an accident and she apologized already over and over again. She thinks that Twilight shouldn't stay mad.

I know that I'm pushing both of them pretty OOC. But what can I do to make it more believable?

>The two chapters are like two separate fics.
I'm not sure what exactly you mean. Are you saying that the first part is more of a 3/5 quality story while the latter part is more of a 1/5 quality story?

>Twilight is not relatable because it's all tell and whining. Show us more of what she feels, not what she does.
I tried to show rather than tell as much of her personal problems as possible. What exactly would you add?

>Your plot relies on Twi making stupid choices,, mainly, choosing to go down the rusty(?) hatch and continuing on down, even though this is obviously out of her comfort zone.
What I was trying to convey was:
a)Twi accidentally jumps in the air.
b)Twi falls down a long, long storm drain like-thing that closes behind her.
c)Twi ends up in a closet-like room. She has three choices: 1]Stay there, 2]Try to either teleport or climb high above, or 3]Enter the room outside the closet.
In effect, she only has 3]. Neither choice is really workable. I wasn't going for "Twilight wants to proceed". I wanted to convey that she had only one option. How should I revise that part, do you think?

>the shock value would be enough to make her physically ill, I feel
I was trying to display that she's not too happy with what's going on, but a)she doesn't know how to protest, or what she should say and b)there's no exit clearly indicated anywhere. I also was relaying on the fact that she might just go "Well, shoot, if I have to wait until the band plays to get out, then I might as well just wait." Of course, Twilight also is a girl and has teenage hormones that tells her that coltcuddling is fun to watch... at the same time that her demure nature is making her freaked out. So, canon Twilight in my mind is like your average fifteen year old American girl that's peeking over the corner as her classmates make out even though her heart is racing and it feels weird as much as it feels good. What exactly would you change or add?

Also, by the way, thanks for reading!

>>88322
>Can you keep going with the line by line comments?
I'll see what I can do. I mean, the reason why I stopped was because it would have affected my judgement. The more I dig into details, the more off-tangent my focus becomes, until I'm writing pages about the definition of "in-system" while completely forgetting the plot. ^^|| True story.

>Rarity is really worried given the graffiti is a clear "We the 99% majority ponies are going to burn your place down, you 1% capitalist marshmallow twerp"
>The fact that Twilight is so obsessed with this failed opportunity for her to see a personal hero sing and then talk music with her... that means that she doesn't really care about Rarity's problem as much as she should. From Rarity's POV, she just made an accident and she apologized already over and over again. She thinks that Twilight shouldn't stay mad.
>I know that I'm pushing both of them pretty OOC. But what can I do to make it more believable?
Hmm. A really worried Rarity wouldn't have screamed at the wall, she'd have been all over it, looking for the hoofprints herself. Also, if Rarity had made an honest effort, Twi would have accepted it, I feel - begrudgingly, but she would have stopped obsessing over it. Having fought two of Equestria's greatest villains together, Twi would have a much better opinion of Rarity than "you vain idiot", though this is all extrapolating from my own experiences - people in my life who have been awesome are usually given some leeway when they derp, because I recall them as being awesome. The same for them, but this is highly subjective, once again.

I didn't catch that Rarity was worried, tbh. I just thought, "Oh, graffiti". Rarity agitated tends to speak a lot more, I find - she barrages - so you may want to look at that, as I remember her dialogue as rather middling in volume.

>I'm not sure what exactly you mean. Are you saying that the first part is more of a 3/5 quality story while the latter part is more of a 1/5 quality story?
More like, the first part trails off the plot - Pony Osmond as source of conflict - and jumps into the second - Twi in underground pit. There is a significant change in mood, setting and character, where it's even less dialogue and more description.

>I tried to show rather than tell as much of her personal problems as possible. What exactly would you add?
Emotions, physical sensations as of compared to actions. The beating of a heart, the twitch of an eyelid, rush of adrenaline or heated ears, stuff like that. I like these, because it's something the reader can experience him/herself. That way, you achieve relation. I think.

>c)Twi ends up in a closet-like room. She has three choices: 1]Stay there, 2]Try to either teleport or climb high above, or 3]Enter the room outside the closet.
>In effect, she only has 3]. Neither choice is really workable. I wasn't going for "Twilight wants to proceed". I wanted to convey that she had only one option. How should I revise that part, do you think?
Well, you could start off with having her jump in the narration. I missed that part. She's conscious as she falls, so you dscribe that too - have us see that she has fallen into a hole, not just merely "falling" without an end point. Then, have her fumble in darkness, not under a black tarp. Clearer transitions, e.g. "When she next opened her eyes" or "She stirred at last", etc.. Feel around the sides for an escape. Describe the feel of the soil/metal walls. Use her magic to light up the path, or something. Step by step, but geared on what she sees+feels. You need to grab the suspense by the collar here, and it's possible if you come forth clean and strong with the showing.

>So, canon Twilight in my mind is like your average fifteen year old American girl that's peeking over the corner as her classmates make out even though her heart is racing and it feels weird as much as it feels good. What exactly would you change or add?
More like, she hasn't been exposed to it yet. The cycle would go as such:
[Initial] -> [first exposure] -> [automatic response: disgust/denial (since it's out of her comfort zone)] -> [reflection] -> [rejection] -> [reflection] -> [acceptance].

I'd add feelings of nausea and panic. Other feelings that come with being violated for the first time. Strong, bile-inducing feelings, because everything around her is going against her upbringing (unless Celestia... well, no). I felt that Twi was just there, watching. She didn't come across as feeling anything strong, but this boils down to show/tell and my inability to emotionally invest.

Anyhow, I'm glad that you got something out of this. You're handling a really tricky piece, to be honest, and the tallest hurdles you have to jump stem largely from your sequence of events. Still, that's not a good reason to quit I have Derpy becoming an alicorn and it's awesome, so I wish you the best, and possibly even au revoir.

Before I begin, I'd like to say that this review is by no means flattering; it is in fact quite harsh. I do this not to offend you, but to help you. If I don't state your fics problems mildly, it's because said problems are not mild. That said, keep on writing and don't get discouraged.

Style: I'm not going to sugar-coat this: your fic flowed like a river of rocks, kitchen utensils, and broken glass. This was most apparent in your use of commas. Sometimes you leave out a comma to the detriment of rhythm like in the following passage:

>Obviously, it was a great moment for us pegasi, and with the union of the three pony tribes there has been a lot more focus on peace talks and immigration policy.
A comma after “...there...” would be fantastic! Such a comma would make consistent the flow of the sentence and rectify any doubts regarding the validity of your sentence structure.

Or you have too many unnecessary commas:

>From what I heard later, though, it seemed that the flame had something to do with the earth pony and with Pansy, too.
The comma preceding “too” is wholly unnecessary (the word “too”isn't really necessary either). The comma before “though” shouldn't be there, then again, you could just remove “though,” and things would be even better (if you remove it, remember to leave the first comma in).

Sometimes (really, really often), your sentences go on too long and need to be broken up. When writing, pretend that the brain has lungs and that it always reads aloud. Give the brain some time to breathe!

>Princess Platinum and Chancellor Puddinghead, my fellow co-rulers of Equestria, were better versed in government duty and took the brunt of the workload, but they couldn't take it all from me, or what would be the point of having the union in the first place?
Setting all other criticisms of this sentence aside for the moment, I would turn the comma after “workload” into a period, craft a transition, and begin a new sentence.

You have a bad habit of abusing dashes. Your dashes should usually be commas or periods.

>I had no intention of letting her get close to the dragon – she was only tagging along because I felt better for having a witness who wouldn’t groan in disappointment if I survived – and I was just hoping she’d have enough sense to leave it to the riot police if I failed.
This should be three sentences, like this: I had no intention of letting her get close to the dragon. She was only tagging along because I felt better for having a witness who wouldn’t groan in disappointment if I survived. I was just hoping she’d have enough sense to leave it to the riot police if I failed.

Perhaps worse than comma issues (and maybe even the dash abuse) is your apparent habit of using six or so words when one will do (also demonstrated by the above passage). Bulky phrasing (particular between two important clauses) forces your reader to mentally carry information from the first half of the sentence, through a clunky phrase, and into the second half. This gets to be exhausting. Exhausted readers are not happy readers and they're rarely readers for long. Exhibit A:

>After all, the earth ponies grew the food and there was no doubting that, in history, they'd always been the first group to be exploited by the other two.
“...there was no doubting that, in...” can be replaced with “...throughout...” for a better read.

Even worse, you occasionally jam whole sentences between related thoughts and force the reader to carry info even further. I even saw entire PARAGRAPHS jammed between two related thoughts in such a manner (I can remember four instances of this, but there were probably more).

>By contrast, Pansy was taking to the change like a pegasus to the sky. She had been ever since the incident with the windigos. She'd taken on the role of diplomat between pony tribes - surprisingly, as a representative of the earth ponies.
The middle sentence doesn't really add anything, in fact, it detracts from your description of how Pansy was taking to things by interfering with the reader interpreting the information. Delete the middle sentence and then read. Better, right?

There is also the insertion of unnecessary/irrelevant details that is prevalent through your entire fic.

>As far as pegasus upbringing went, she’d had it soft. I’d learned a few weeks into the job (we rarely talked about our personal lives) that she hadn’t been submitted to the hilltop test like the rest of us had been.
Why is “(we rarely talked about our personal lives)” in there? It has absolutely nothing to do with Pansy's upbringing.

You also add words in when you're trying to transition from paragraph to paragraph or thought to thought. For an example of the former, see below:

>But, truth be told, I had little to do with it, and I had even less to do in it.
The “But,” should be deleted, as should the “...I had...”

Another style issue is phrasing that is just flat-out awkward. When writing, you typically want the reader to get your meaning as soon after reading your words as possible. The below sentence contains some awkward phrasing that made me pause and think for a moment:

>I was spending - and I still spend - a lot of time indoors, which is no good thing for a creature born for flight.
“...which is no good thing for a creature born for flight.” is awkward (and contains repetition). Try something like “...which is not good for a creature born to fly”

Occasionally, you go a bit beyond awkward and into the realm of nonsensical.

>For the first time, I said. Or was it the first time? I'd known Pansy since way back. We'd had a long history together in the Pegasus Army. There must have been something to compare it with.
“For the first time, I said. Or was it the first time?”... lolwut?

As previously mentioned, there is also the issue of repetition.

>For a time, I tried to convince myself otherwise by telling myself that, if I'd been in her position, or had been given a shot at it, I could have done just as well.
You use the word “myself” twice in close-quarters. The first myself establishes the object (she's trying to convince herself), so the second myself should be replaced. One way to do this would be to remove “...telling myself...” with “...reasoning...” Aside from the repetition, the comma after “...that” is unneeded.

In several places, your word choice needs some work.

>I found out later that dragon youths normally take centuries to mature, but they can reach full size overnight if they get a chance to try out their hoarding instincts early.
”...try out...” is a terrible phrase for the job. It implies that the kleptomania is a temporary condition. You could make an argument that this is true, but given what transpired after Spike reached full size in 1x10, your argument would be dismissed.

>Improbably, the trail of footprints had vanished, and we were stuck between two high walls and a double row of abandoned stalls.
Using “Improbable” here is flat out weird, furthermore, for a chasing a grown dragon, that's a pretty impractical thought.

>I remember how cloud-saturated the sky was that day, as though the weather teams up high were preparing to make this ordeal more atmospheric than it really should have been.
Other errors aside, why would you use the word “atmospheric”? It's such a neutral adjective. Words like “intense”, or “frightening”, give the reader a much better idea of how Hurricane really feels.

>Taking on the dragon, I had seen and felt exactly what he must have experienced. It was delicious.
Delicious? Really?

Your fic also suffers from Show vs. Tell issues. I'm willing to grant that you tell us a lot, at least enough to get a fuzzy mental picture of whats going on and a pretty good handle on events, but more showing would be nice.

>We began with a simple ascent to try and get a full view of the town, but flying straight upwards is not as pleasant a business as we sometimes make it out to be. Go too high too fast, and your ears pop something dreadful.
Why do you have Hurricane telling us that sharp ascents aren't pleasant instead of having Hurricane describe the experience of soring into the air and rushing higher and higher as she fights the pain caused by her unpleasant ascent.

>Since it was already raining, and the insults were only getting worse, I decided not to let her add to the precipitation, so I told her we’d land.
Why can't you describe this from an in-the-moment perspective exactly as it happened and use quotes?

Frequently, you forget to include antecedents for pronouns. This is slightly broader than just pronouns. You have prepositions that reference nothing as well.

>The impact knocked down two buildings either side.
Either side of what?

Finally, there are your descriptions. For the most part, these are fine, but there are definitely multiple cases where you have descriptions that seem a little off, or are just nonsensical.

>When I’d last seen him, the Commander had been so obese it was a physiological insult.
Physiological describes the type of insult, but the sentence leaves no clue as to the insult's direction (who/what is being insulted).

>Politics wasn’t a pegasus concern until you were high enough in rank to see a line between you and the Commander’s temple.
“...to see a line between you and the Commander’s temple.” What?


Grammar: Your mechanics were good, I didn't see anything truly disturbing or nightmarish (e.g. nominative absolutes in the middle of sentences). I would read up on sentence structures though. The Id sentence structure got butchered a few times (usually by being turned into I,d), and there were a few instances of I,d+I (which is more or less the same as butchering Id into I,d). There was also the occasional tense issue.

>After that, they literally went from cute babies to teenage monsters, and it’s no wonder that the mothers abandon the eggs first chance they get.
”After that,” implies a progression (something that needs to be stated in present tense), but you used past tense.

>It’s one of the most popular urban myths told about them by pegasi, largely because it subverted our expectations.
”Is” and “subverted” are different tenses.

Once again, your mechanics, for the most part, were fine.

Characters: This is always a make or break area in any fic. The world is seen through the eyes of a character, emotional investment in a story is (almost) always entirely dependant on having an understandable and believable character. The slightest inconsistency can kill the reader's immersion in an instant. This was the case for me when in one paragraph, you had commander hurricane sympathizing with the earth ponies,

>At the time, I had been serving alongside Sergeant Pansy. She persuaded me that the insults were not meant personally, that all of this was just anger at the actions of our higher-ups back in Pegasopolis, and that we were all really ponies in sisterhood. I had already made up my mind that the expansion of the Pegasus Empire was a mistake. The sooner we withdrew and gave the earth ponies whatever was their due, the better.

but several paragraphs later:

>All I knew at the time was this: on the one hoof, I would quite like to have kicked the incumbent Commander hard in the jaw for what he was doing. Yet, on the other hoof, if I'd led the charge against the pie-throwing earth ponies of the street, I would have done so with nothing short of schadenfreude.

Had some event happened to change her opinion of the earth ponies, I might have accepted this. Alas, it was not so, and my immersion dropped to zero.

Another important aspect of a character is her behavior. How does your character speak? What sort of things does your character do? How does she do them? And because we're working in the realm of fan-fiction, is her behavior consistent with canon? There are a few cases where you have Hurricane using words that seem out of character (like “schadenfreude” in the above paragraph). While not as bad as the last issue, it still hurts immersion. A lot of what she says is also informal for such a military-oriented pegasus.

Most importantly, your characters felt empty. I can't tell if it was a lack of proper character development, a lack of immersion, or some combination of the two that caused this issue, but this is huge. If I don't care about your characters, I won' care about anything they do (i.e. your story).

Story: This is the other massive make-or-break. Within the realm of fan-fiction, it's more difficult to write a consistent story due to the possibility of self-contained plot holes and contradiction via canon. While your characters suffer mostly from self-contained inconsistencies, your story suffers from contradiction by canon.

The first red light went on when you wrote about the pegasi conquering an earth pony city. I didn't think the pegasi would readily piss off the ponies that they depended on for food, thought I, but they are a militaristic society. I filed this inconsistency under “Plausible, but really?” and continued reading.

The second red light flickered on when I heard about unicorns in a palace on earth pony territory that had been conquered by the pegasi. What the- why would unicorns be in a pegasi-controlled earth pony city? Wait! Maybe they're diplomats! I quickly filed this idea under “Plausible, but really?” as well.

The third light went on when you began discussing a food shortage. The earth ponies grow the food, yet they're suffering more from this shortage than the pegasi? I suppose that as the occupying force, the pegasi could demand more food, but it seems like an effective military strategy for the earth ponies would be to say “You want food? Sweet. Give us our city first.” Perhaps they're too scared for that. This thought, once again, went under “Plausible, but really”?

These were just the major inconsistencies, I'm not going to list all the minor ones (like the pegasus commander spontaneously withdrawing forces after at least 3 months of successful occupation). You might be thinking: But you said they were plausible! You even showed how these things could work! How is this a problem? You may notice that I wrote down my trains of thought instead of just saying what was wrong. I did that so you could see how long it took me to reach some of my conclusions. You know what I wasn't doing while I was thinking through these issues? Focusing on your fic, hence the reason that it's a pretty huge problem. Forcing the audience to justify potential inconsistencies kills immersion, and, in the case of the more impatient readers who don't want to think through things, gets you branded an idiot.

There are two ways to go about fixing this: clarify (explain why things are the way they are), or get rid of them.

A note about your pre-reader's comments: When your pre-reader said, “This is really what we call an idea story,” he was referring to the MICE quotient. He was expecting this to be an event story (as was I), but at the end, you threw in a rather lengthy paragraph regarding different types of strength and how different characters exhibited it throughout the story. It was quite jarring. It seemed like someone read your story, wrote an analytical essay on it using a prompt about strength, and then stuck a paragraph from it at the end of your fic.

Addendum: I made several miscellaneous corrections while reading your fic and marked them in a google doc (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PxNpR_OpZRpMLfRdRAFCvdCJUXZC8C0VNhI26FSDJtY/edit). Of course, my other corrections are in there as well. If you're not familiar with Gdocs, to see a comment I made, move your cursor over the highlighted blocks of text and the appropriate comment will appear. The corrections I have marked are NOT the only corrections to be made. After a while, I stopped marking your recurring mistakes (which are all summarized above). Please go through your fic, look for any instances of the recurring mistakes that I mentioned, and change them. Also make another other corrections that I have outlined in the Gdoc. If you have any questions, please feel free to respond to any parts of my review via ponychan or by commenting on my comments in Gdocs (if you do the latter, let me know in the TTG thread).

Summary: Due to the terrible style, this story was exhausting to read. There were several times when I was tempted to stop reviewing and reread “A Drop of Moonshine” by Penstroke; a fic that is more entertaining and easier for my mind to digest without having to piece together ideas from across paragraphs. Furthermore, the word choice, while not quite as exhausting, was definitely more irksome. Your use of weird constructions in place of simple adjectives, your application of phrasal verbs, and your odd wordings just gave the fic a sense of incorrectness.
The other reason it would have been so easy for we to go to a different fic was because I wasn't immersed in your world. The characters and story weren't very consistent thus killing any and all suspension of disbelief. You didn't show, you told, so I didn't really feel like I was in the world, rather everything I experienced felt vague and vicarious. An under-described world did nothing to remedy this. I new what was going on, I could piece together rough images of the scenes in my head, but everything was just so plain. It was like a brand new coloring book.

What I recommend you do for this fic: Honestly, a complete rewrite. The idea behind this is good, but the execution, to put it lightly, is not. Look at the list of things you can do to improve below. Once you feel like you've made significant progress, try writing this again.

What you can do to improve: Click this (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit) and read the section on show versus tell.

To solve the problem of two-way comma abuse, read up on various sentence structures and the elements of a sentence. This will help (http://www.towson.edu/ows/sentencestruct.htm)

To solve almost all your other problems of bad style and your issues with crafting characters: read. Go to any fan-fiction site that strikes your fancy and read. Read as much as possible. Have you gone and read ten or so good fics? Good, go and read ten more. Reading is the best way to become a better writer. Allow me to reiterate: The best way to become a good writer is through reading.

Do writing exercises. If you need to get better at crafting a setting or capturing a mood, write a vignette and get it looked at. If you need to get better at creating a story or characters, write a detailed summary of a fic and get that looked at too. A good place to post those would be the Story Forge thread.

Final thoughts: Keep writing and get better! I want to read a well-written, engaging, awesome version of this fic someday. Don't disappoint ;)

>>88325
Thanks for your comments. I've already tried to revise chapter one a lot. I must admit that, in my life, I've had three key loves.
1)Ellipses
2)The word then
3)Single quotation marks
4)Writing things as "X did Y. A did B. Z became K" in academic-like fashion
5)Using lots of detail in various spurts

I use those all the time just as naturally as breathing. I know that I shouldn't, but there you go. Thanks for all of your help.

>I wish you the best, and possibly even au revoir.
I'm confused. Does this mean that you're still interested in doing single line comments through the rest of the fic?

>>85544
The moment you mentioned you are a non-native English speaker, I had a feeling this fic might take a lot of work to get right. And boy I was proven right. Never fret, writing is the one thing that WILL get better with practice. I have left comments on your first three pages, and it will be up to you to correct the rest of the fic.

Okay, to start off, let's begin with your basic technique.
Punctuation. You do this throughout your text.
>“Forgive me my brazenness, but is something wrong, your Majesty?”, Luna slowly tilted her head towards the old stallion.
Wrong. The correct way to write this would be
>“Forgive me my brazenness, but is something wrong, your Majesty?” Luna slowly tilted her head towards the old stallion.
Notice I deleted the aberrant comma and did not italicise the dialogue. A good rule of thumb of dialogue punctuation would be best illustrated by the example below. Dialogue and speech are never italicised. Please correct this.
>"Help me," Twilight said.
>"I'm here, sugarcube." Applejack reached a hoof out.
>"Do be careful!" Rarity exclaimed.

You tend to abuse semi-colons as well and your fic stutters as a result. Semi-colons are clunky and are best used sparingly, not in every paragraph like you do. If you like to know more on when and where to use this special punctuation and others, I recommend you take a look here. >>87549

From the way you phrase sentences and your odd word choices, it is safe to surmise you are definitely not a native English speaker and only have read limited works in English. Too many times I had to stop and re-read a sentence because of your very non-standard choice of words. Things like:
>"Please allow the question, your Majesty, but what is troubling you?”,
>The plate was empty pretty fast,
>With slow and careful moves she wandered through the odd place but the strange feeling that she had been here before stayed.

I'm afraid these will only improve by writing more and reading other fics. I recommend to start by reading published fiction. They help give you an idea as to how to construct your sentences better, as well as gain some valuable vocabulary. No going around the hard work, I'm afraid. However! I must admit I was impressed that you at least got your tenses right most of the time.

I must also say you're definitely wavering on the tell side of the show-vs-tell scale. There are just so many moments where you choose to tell us exactly what is going on, rather than showing. Example:
>The modern times offered a lot of entertainment during the night.
>He looked bit nervous but his old age gave him the strength to endure her gaze.
>It was dead boring around the palace at night,

Telling is fine, but it is rather dry. Try to describe more of the character's reaction and surroundings, rather than telling it outright. I assure you it makes for a more compelling read.

As for your story and plot. I can safely surmised it as thus:
>Luna is bored.
>Luna goes to the Everfree and encounters a manticore.
>Fluttershy and Twilight goes to Zecora's for some reason.
>Fluttershy finds Luna, treats her wounds.
>They fall asleep together. (Cue shipping.) Later found by Celestia.
>Luna treats FS to a lunch.
>Celestia offers to ship them. (No joke.)

For something so trite, you took nearly 17 pages of prose to do it. I find myself skipping large parts of your fic after the third page simply because you choose to repeat a lot of what was said earlier, or padded it with filler that could be just as easily inferred. Consider this paragraph.
>“I hope you are right!” Luna smiled at him and simply pretended that he succeeded. He visibly calmed down and smiled back before he left. Luna’s focus went back to the slice of cake in front of her, she really liked Silverglass’s chocolate cake. The plate was empty pretty fast, and Luna placed some bits on the table before she left the cafe. She headed back to the palace but didn’t enter it this time.

Could easily be cut down to just:
>"I hope you're right!" Luna said. She flashed a smile at Sliverglass, who visibly calmed down and returned her smile, before leaving her to her cake. Luna quickly finished the delicious chocolate cake. After paying for her meal, she decided to head back to the palace.

See what I did? By rewording some parts and cutting out the filler, I recreated the scene in less words. You really need to work on trimming down your fic and cutting those unnecessary filler. Pacing is the key word here. Keep in mind that every word you write should advance the fic in some form or manner, whether it is moving the plot forward, building up character, describing scenery or action or establishing some backstory.

Characterisation-wise, I suppose you did a decent job of writing Fluttershy. Luna and Celestia have little canon personality and your depiction of them didn't break any that I see. Luna feels way too mopey though, and comes off as a little annoying after the third complaint of being alone and lonely. I have not seen enough of Twilight or Zecora to judge.

At the end of all this? I think you have a great potential to improve, but you really need to read more English books/guides, or have a native speaker to help guide you. Be warned also that shipping stories like these are a dime a dozen, and there's nothing here as yet that would actually compel me to choose your story over others.

tl;dr? Needs extensive editing work, passable shipping story, paced way too slow.

Keep writing.

>>88236

I thought about this, but I'm gonna leave it for now, for a few reasons:

It's under 9000 words as is, so if I cut i into 3 it's definitely going to fall foul of EqD word requirement.

Finding a good place to cut it in two is proving more difficult than I expected. I tried a few places, but none of them feel right.

If it's really a big problem, I'll sort it out later. As it is there are plenty of requests on here way longer than mine.

>>88337
> It's under 9000 words as is, so if I cut i into 3 it's definitely going to fall foul of EqD word requirement.

The word requirement isn't per chapter. If you submit all 9k as one or two parts it's easier on readers as they can read a number of shorter chapters fairly happily.

Making one huge doc is a great way to end up getting a TL;DR response.

>>88342
To be honest, 9k words isn't that long. (At least by my standards. I write 8-13k words chapters.)

If you cannot find a convenient point to break them up, I suggest you leave it at it is.

>>85513
Right. Claiming Colours Will Fade With Time next.

Should be done within the weekend.

>>88337
9k words isn't that long. Don't split it if you can't find a good reason too.

Mr Swiper seems very eager to cut stories up into tiny chunks. I haven't seen a chapter of his that exceeds 3k words. No offense of course, just an observation.

Like I said in the last thread, wordcount doesn't matter. If your single 9k word chunk is what you feel works best for your story, use it. If you want tiny 2k word chapters, use those.

Tags: [Comedy] [Crossover] [Adventure]

Synopsis:
Bowser, King of the Koops along with his army wind up in Equestria. Upon failing to conquer what he thought was Peach's castle, he accidentally frees Discord, the spirit of chaos and disharmony. Intrigued with Bowser's method of conquest, Discord decides to use the Koopa king's army for his chaotic plans.

The unlikely team up of Pinkie Pie and Bowser begins. Will Pinkie save her friends? Will Bowser get vengeance on Discord? Will Bowser be able to put up with Pinkie's over the top hyperactive antics? Will she get the grouchy Koopa to open up and become friends?

They'll have to work together to overcome the challenges that await them.
This is the tale of Bowser and Pinkie's Super Bizarre Sage.

Chapter 1
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fsICMTv2y9uYoLpU2fjf4ewDdig-bAjqvAO-HBoTedo/edit

Chapter 2
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mTZq3AG7MKAfVN109aiEAlK8s0bcyNv0OXR5-7zXpTc/edit

I would mostly like chapter two reviewed please. I'm putting chapter one there as well seeing as it may be hard understanding what's going on without reading that first.

>>88351
I like the concept, and the dialogue seemed to stay true to the Mario and Luigi games, but it's telly beyond belief. In essence, you have a good cream filling surrounded by an incredibly bland cake. Don't take this as a full review though; I was just giving it a quick skim to see if I wanted to read it (I don't) and decided to give you a quick opinion. With luck, your reviewer will help you a bit more with said issue.

Stories still needing claimed:

The Three Souls >>81058
Contact: Apple Harvest >>85571
Colours Will Fade With Time >>85513
Time of the Black Sun >>86014
The Carnival of Chaos Chapter 2 >>85808
Celestia's Choice >>86177
Termina's Final Twilight >>86531
Birthright >>86544
Spirits of Harmony Rewrite, Chapter I >>86575
Kindle the Bonfire >>86730
A New Mare >>87199
Redemption of the Fireheart >>87358
Daring-Do and the Cruise of the Celestia >>87387
Resolution >>87450
Equestria's Twilight http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/85147.html#87471
Elysian Fields >>87566
The Fixers >>87702
Out of Context >>87788
The Pony Scrolls: Nightfall >>88009 (Incorrect link in queue. Needs to be #88009 instead of #i88009.)
Millennium Eclipse >>88110
Making Things Write >>88151
Bowser and Pinkie's Super Bizarre Saga >>88351 (Incorrect link in queue. Needs to be #88351 instead of #i88351.)

>>88351
One thing first: You should probably put something in both of the documents themselves-- not just in the document titles.

So, then, it'll look like:
"Bowser and Pinkie's Super Bizarre Saga"
"Chapter One"
"By Alkem"

>>88327

Thank you for taking the time to review my fic. I'm disappointed at how badly it turned out - the last review and the pre-reader's comments left me thinking that this just needed tidying up, not a complete rewrite.

I'm already editing according to your guidelines. The vast majority of the style issues I agree with, and I'm at least pretty chuffed that grammar was good (give or take tense issues).

Your initial comments on character were a little confusing. I'd thought I'd made it clear that Hurricane's "inconsistency" was affected by how the earth pony pranksters kept getting on her nerves. I've rewritten that passage, all the same; if it's only going to lead to confusion, then I might as well take no chances.

As for the character's emptiness, the immersion aspect might be the biggest factor. Following your other points should fix this problem.

Some of the inconsistencies in plot which you described... well, I'm trying to see them, but I still don't understand them. History is littered with examples of farmers getting oppressed by superiors who couldn't grow the food themselves, the medieval period in particular. When the food shortage hits, it isn't the poor underclass that gets to keep it. Add in the fact that pegasi and unicorns have (between them) two ways to overpower the earth ponies and I wouldn't have expected this to be a problem. I've addressed it all the same, but only because I didn't want ambiguity. I also thought it was clear that the unicorns were diplomats - at the very least, I explicitly said that they were ambassadors. Again, I've addressed this by expanding a little.

I know about the MICE quotient. Milieu (or worldbuilding), Idea, Character, Event. Now that I've reread my fic, I can see how the event actually works better than the idea, so I'm editing around that. The huge chunks at the beginning and at the end are now removed for this reason.

I've read through the google doc and made the corrections that you outlined. Now I'm moving on to pick out any other mistakes, as you suggested.

I'll concede I wrote in a terrible style and could learn the show-don't-tell lesson from CerealVelocity's dofemoral arteryil I could recite the passage off by heart, but the charge against my characters and my story not being very consistent seems unfair. It might just be because the details in my head didn't translate well through what I wrote, but inconsistent isn't a word that comes to mind when looking at the actual examples you listed (see above). Am I missing something?

On the other hand (hoof?), it really is quite telly and I'll have to address that.

I'll follow your other points, too. I'm keen on improving my writing style, and practice makes perfect, as they say.

Bit nervous about this bit, though:

Final thoughts: Keep writing and get better! I want to read a well-written, engaging, awesome version of this fic someday. Don't disappoint ;)

What are you expecting? Do you have a fic in mind I could compare mine with? (Not A Drop of Moonshine - I just found it on google docs and its intro is far too telly).

>>88369

Typo fixed:

I'll concede I wrote in a terrible style and could learn the show-don't-tell lesson from CerealVelocity's document until I could recite the passage off by heart, but the charge against my characters and my story not being very consistent seems unfair. It might just be because the details in my head didn't translate well through what I wrote, but inconsistent isn't a word that comes to mind when looking at the actual examples you listed (see above). Am I missing something?

Tags: [Normal][Shipping]

Plot: Acustiana dealing with life as a musician that is mute, having to work with people not knowing hooflanguage and needing to constantly write things down for others. All the while feeling a sense of loneliness as nopony wanted to get close to her as they didn't know how, or didn't want to know how to understand hooflanguage. Those that made their honest effort to befriend Acustiana found her to be pleasant and fun to be around, and she always enjoyed playing for them one of her many personal compositions. But even though her few friends would always be the realization that by the end of the day, she would be alone in the silence of her home, with her bed empty of happiness.

Links:
Part 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mDi0yRPwLaM74E0lB6zlOlwb7z0q3GGnd0fAqACD208/edit
Part 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AsfH46atjRne1l19T_J10cKShO57XrAGxeXXEfhRK0E/edit
Part 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XwAxsSj-3pnJOkyMwE8xNzQ1pI0I6uW9dQAnChTsapo/edit
Part 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1roPw6mR2DJ63JJQLlU05ICkNDoyiz0YY1DzI26Zg86M/edit

Comments:
Vanner was nice to help with part 2 and part 3, but he has been super busy so I am back to post here. Part 3 still has some mechanics issues, I wasnt able to clean them all up. If you want to review it, just let me know and ill turn back on comments. Part 4 is what I need reviewed however.

How many fics have been reviewed but are waiting for a response?

Also, I guess that "Whispers At Twilight" by PsuedoPegasi has been abandoned by the author. I can be taken off the list.

>>88380
Thread update/ thread sweep tomorrow, don't want to can't do it right now.

>>88386
Can you do it right now? My OCD is telling me to review everything that has not been reviewed as well as to re-organize everything, and I'm starting to feel a bit loopy... It would feel nice...

Or maybe I should just quit the thread for a while... I'm afraid that I'll revert to my vindictive mode, 'Nightmare Swiper' if I keep reviewing... *already so jaded*

>>88392
> pic semi related.

anyway, today I won't make it to make a thread.

but *insertnamehere* was nice enough to make a list of unclaimed fics. Feel free to rip one apart help an author improve. Wanna go vindictive, I'm not stopping you. just make sure to be blunt not insulting... I learned the hard way.

>>88399
>anyway, today I won't make it to make a thread.
(as if I would make a thread) *threadupdate

>>88399
>*insertnamehere*
That would be me. And you are welcome. :)

>>88258
Title: Toothpaste

Author: Brotato

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16qZZLLCHAA_kBC5-6boNQ-eZZfXWThx54GAVWTzTCmY/edit

Note: This is probably going to come across as pretty vindictive. I also will probably ramble. I'm sorry if I cross the line / have crossed the line. Anyways...

I've gone through four pages, and I feel like I have a lot of stuff to point out already. I'm going to have to be honest and say that I'm not enjoying how this fic is going. I feel like this fic is a great example of that deathly "mainstream slice of life blandness" that isn't really bad, but it isn't really that good either. Stories are about conflicts and choices. What comes across here is more like "Another day in Ponyville started up, and stuff happened. The end."

Let me start with the beginning:
In Ponyville, across from the store, “Quills and Sofas,” stood the dental office, “Happy Smiles.” Inside the dentistry, a unicorn with a blue and white striped mane sat behind a desk, looking over today’s schedule with a slight frown. A nameplate on the front of the desk read, “Doctor Romana T. Colgate”.

This is the 'hook' meant to drive people in from the get-go. This doesn't work at all. It's like I'm reading a high school paper version of "How to write a brochure for your future store at your dead-end mall job". Yes, you've created a picture of the scene in my mind. You've done that in one of the most dull and detached ways possible. I feel like I've poured cold oatmeal into a baked potato, sprinkled on triscuit pieces, and then poured the goop onto my face while listening to The Best of Donny Osmond. Bland, bland, bland, bland, bland!

Let's go on:
Carefully scribbling down the name Rarity, who was due for a check-up tomorrow afternoon, she sighed. She had written the name sideways since all the other spaces were taken, forcing her to use whatever empty spots she could find. Ever since yesterday, the schedule book filled up the same way, with the same patients coming in with sore gums. She’s told them to brush twice and floss daily, but she began to wonder if this is something far more serious. The answer for what was causing this town-wide problem both eluded and frustrated her.

You've already set up the template for the rest of the blasted story. A pile of dry and sterile descriptive language goes through a bunch of events that barely hold my interest as a reader. I immediately thought of Jim Lehrer of PBS Newshour narrating this. And as much as I love PBS, that's not the style I'm looking for in fanfiction-- for Pete's sake.

Don't write in a way that just conveys information. I want to see myself put right into Colgate's head-- immediately. Make me go through her actions, and show me what she feels. Don't just touch on things from the outside in a way that just tells the story.

I've left a lot of Google Doc comments up to where I stopped. The key thing here is to write the story like it's a blasted story with some blasted conflict / choices happening to a character with whom I emphasize with. Get less detached.

In comparison, I made up some little mini-scenes:
{ Colgate stared over at the ponies guzzling down white chocolate cupcakes. Her eyes focused like miniature knives as the collection of colts wandered into the Quills and Sofas store. She glanced down at the day's schedule with a slight frown before snapping back over to the other mall shop. She could barely stand seeing this goofy looking red foal slurping the chocolate off his cheek. Uneducated little twerps! She sunk back into her chair, looking into the nameplate on the front of the desk saying "Doctor Romana T. Colgate”. She adjusted her blue and white striped mane a little bit, the reflection telling her that she might as well look her best. }

{ Everything just seemed fine before yesterday. Right? She flipped back a few pages and leaned back in her chair. A parade of the exact same patient with those exact same horribly sore gums, coming in time after time, flashed through her mind. She scowled even wider, thinking about how she had lectured them to floss daily and brush twice a day. A potted plant would take instructions better. }

{ She traced her hoof around the page. I see Applejack from Sweet Apple Acres, Junebug from uptown, and Roseluck from the downtown square. Oh, goodness, has the whole town lost it? She couldn't see any street with safe teeth in all of Ponyville. }

She's sad and put upon. Make me feel that! Put Colgate's feelings and desires front and center!

Another thing: watch out for the passive voice. I'm stick of seeing all of this dry, academic type language in something that's supposed to be about rainbow-y, sunshine-y equines powered by love and friendship. Gah.

You also keep writing things in a roundabout sort of way. I'll see something like:
The door was moved open, revealing Twilight. The drawers were positioned alongside Colgate

I don't care about the door and the drawers. Write in terms of the characters and in terms of inanimate objects. Look at:
Twilight walked through the door. Colgate moved over alongside the stack of drawers.

Doesn't that look nicer? Of course, it does. Also don't repeat yourself.

Stuff like:
She agreed to open the door. "I'll open the door."
He got hungry. "I'm hungry."
Just puts the reader off. Avoid that like cyanide.

[to be continued]

>>88409
Characters / storyline: Oh, boy... Well, let's go through some things that just screamed at me:

>1) Colgate is going to see Twilight. She goes ahead and puts her in the chair. Despite the fact that they have like a blasted hour before the first patient is going to show up... Colgate starts getting snippy. She says to hurry up and get started. Wait... what?

>2)And then, suddenly, we take the left train out of Weirdville and enter the depot of Crazytown!

Colgate gets all "There's no earthly way of knowing... Which direction we are going... YES! FOR THE ROWERS KEEP ON ROWING! AHHHHHHHHH!" What the Luna's flank is going on? What was that out of the left field?

We go from Colgate the put-upon protagonist to... Colgate the quasi-rapist pushing Twilight's head straight down and lightening striking behind her as she talks about putting her long, hard drill into Twilight's soft, quivering flesh?

No, dude, no...

>3)Twilight is a dumpster diver... or at least something like that. Colgate the dentist is out of toothpaste. So, she has Twilight... borrow hers? Wait? Really? She's not just out, but she... What?

What the hay? Has toothpaste suddenly become like the good heroin that you have to climb to the forth floor of the University Union at 2pm Thursday evening while using the code-word "White Squirrel Preservation" and carefully knocking against the weather-vane 'knock-bounce-knock' to get? We're talking about freaking toothpaste. Noone should be 'out' of it, least of all Colgate!

Colgate should have plenty. She should offer it to Twilight (who won't go throwing her face into the wastebasket over a misplaced tube). And Twilight shouldn't be sharing panties, hairclips, vibrators, toothbrushes, toothpaste, et cetera with each other. That's just gross, brah.

>4) Colgate is apparently holding an idiot ball. First of all, why has she only asked Twilight what toothpaste she's used? I would think that, if the whole blasted town is having puss filled volcanoes going off in their mouths, Colgate would be asking everyone all about it. Holy cheese and crackers, why isn't she being more, well, inquisitive! What are you brushing with? What kind of floss do you use? Have you been having oral sex with Lindsay Lohan? Seriously!

She talks to Twilight. And it's Twilight that comes up with the idea? And she comes up with the idea on a sudden lark-- "Convenient Plot Moment!" I guess she read the script ahead of time. Seriously, wouldn't Twilight be smart enough to think "Well, surely, if I have mouth pains even though I've changed nothing except my toothpaste... It must be the toothpaste" by herself?

But, holey smokes, for Colgate to be so blind to this that Twilight has to point it out to her. Come on, seriously? Colgate is the dentist, for crying out loud.

And the dialogue between Colgate and Twilight as well as the after scene discussion is so forced and so dry that I might as well be watching:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iw9CFABCxe0

(Skip ahead to the 3:15 mark)

P.S. Bunny 4EVR

>5)Colgate sucks as a dentist. Not to mention everything that I've just referred to in detail... Seriously...

Twilight comes in with horrible pain. And Colgate's response is: "Hey, let me prick you a little!" *Pricks with pricky mental thing* "Well, shoot, I guess that you're using poison to brush your teeth!" *Smiles* "Okay, now GET OUTTA HERE!" *Pushes Twilight away*

Seriously, doesn't that seem a little... odd... Isn't she going to do, well, dentist-y things? "Hey, let's have an x-ray!" "Hey, let's get you some painkillers!" and so on...

Some other things: Spike comes across as both a prop, without much to do or say or anything else, as well as kind of a dick. That's not cool, brah. Everyone loves Spike.

Colgate is, well, okay as a character. I guess I would feel for her more if it wasn't for the constant assault of dry, dull language around her.

[to be continued]

>>88415
Grammar / spelling / wording: Look at what I said before. This whole story really felt 'told' to me from more or less start to finish. That's not cool.

Plot: I know you're going somewhere special with this. The poison paste is probably going to mean something profound. But that's not going to matter much five-six-seven-etc pages in when the reader is let go in the first several paragraphs.

Summary I guess I'll give this a 2.5-3.5 or something like that. I feel like going off on it because there's possibly an interesting story in there, but I have a hard time seeing it. This doesn't need to be 20% cooler. I has to be like 100% cooler. You have a lot of work ahead.

Hope this helps.

>>88409
>Write in terms of the characters and in terms of inanimate objects.
should be
>Write in terms of the characters and not in terms of inanimate objects.

>>87450

Let's see what I can do.

>>88347
Okay... finally done.

I'll be honest with you. I tried to like the fic. I really did. But in the end, I find myself cringing as I skimmed through the final scene of your story. I left comments for first part of the fic, and I leave it to you to find the rest of your structural issues. I apologise if what I have to say here comes off as vindictive.

Now, onto the technical issues first. I assume that Pascoite has gone through most of the mechanical issues with you. However, there are still recurrent punctuation errors which you consistently make throughout the fic.
Bad:
>"... I'm sure it's your worrying that's keeping us from performing in the main event." A mare with a green mane chimed in
Good:
>"... I'm sure it's your worrying that's keeping us from performing in the main event," a mare with a green mane chimed in

I'll just quote Ezn's Guide here.
>Dialogue which precedes a said tag can end in a comma, or an exclamation point, or a question mark, or an ellipsis, but never a full stop (period).
>Said tags are never capitalised. They are not complete sentences, and they should not ever follow full stops (as stated above). Think of them as the subject and verb of a sentence that has the dialogue you’re applying them to as its object. You don’t write “The boy kicked. The ball.” so you shouldn’t write “‘Hello.’ He said.” either.
>Dialogue which is split in half by a said tag will either form a single sentence or two separate sentences. It should be formatted to reflect that.

Aside from that, you problems with separating what seems to be related sentences in separate paragraph, to the point where you have multiple single-sentence paragraph. It is quite jarring to see a single sentence paragraph unless you have a good reason for it. Look into this where possible.

Aside from that, you seem mechanically sound. Then again, I'm not an expert in this, so I'll trust Pascoite got most of it.

Now, onto your style... and story.
I have many issues with your prose. The first one is how all your action scenes seem... flat somehow. This may be in part, due to your choice of third person omniscient as your narrator. While it allows you to look at a story from all angles, it does have the negative effect of detaching your readers from your story.

The second is how you introduce your characters. You seemed to have a template. Mane/Coat colour. Mane style. Colour of eyes. Cutie mark. While technically not wrong, it is very repetitive and it grates me to see the same style used three times in a row to introduce your OC Wonderbolts. Also, is Louman even a pony name? Another minor nitpick would be that you used dialogue to start the majority of your sentences/paragraphs. It is quite easy to fall into this trap, and I suggest you vary it a little by starting it with some description or action first instead.

Next would be your penchant of describing things which may or may not be related to the story, or telling me things which I couldn't really care less about. Things like, how Dash used to be more muscular in the past and now has slimmed down. Or what does Pinkie's kitchen contain, right down to the last shelf, sink and goods. Or how Rarity goes about doing her morning toilet. While I am aware reviewers and readers alike encourage the use of scenery description at times, be mindful of what you do include. Do include things which are relevant to the story, as well as scenery which might help paint a vivid picture of the setting. Do not include minutiae which adds nothing to the story and probably constitutes scenery porn. This is not a hard and fast rule, mind, and there are many authors who are able to pull off scenery porn very well. (Tolkien comes to mind). Unfortunately, I feel you're not one of them.

As for your story. Well. You have Rainbow Dash during and after the Wonderbolts show. After that you cut to a scene a year before which has nothing to do with the current plot at hand and goes off on a tangent about TwiMac, implied sex, Apple Bloom seemingly naive and Rarity borrowing bits. Also, you managed to entirely spoil the suspense of what building Rainbow entered by telling us outright AJ and Pinkie were moving to Canterlot to open a bar. The main problem I had with this section is that it reads entirely like filler, and disrupts the nice flow we had from Rainbow's internal conflict. There is literally nothing here which you cannot explain later through references, flashbacks or passing remarks/thoughts by the characters. If it wasn't obvious by now, I am recommending you excise this scene and find some other means to tell the backstory. The rest of the story were more or less expected, though having Fluttershy accompany Luna in negotiations is a surprise. Then again, you said there were reasons for the OOC changes so I'll reserve my judgement on them. As Pascoite previously noted, there seems to be little going on in the story apart from AJ breaking down, so I suggest you better get to the point quick.

Characters. Rainbow comes off as angsty, the OC ponies rather bland, and Pinkie is well... Pinkie. AJ seemed far too emo for her own good and Rarity is being Rarity. Fluttershy and Spike seemed unchanged, though again, I was wondering how did Spike manage to grow up so fast in only six years. I don't think Spike would be one to refer the Princess as "cranky old mare" after only six years of growth. You will need to address this.

Overall? I think this would need a lot of work to make this presentable. You have a story there, I can tell. Problem is, I don't know what is it.

tl;dr Several technical issues. Somewhat slow pacing.

Keep writing.

>>88404
>pic
Why is his desk organized?

Okay, umm... I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, or if there is a place to put this. If it's not, could a mod please shift this post?

I'm don't usually write fanfiction (I make songs instead: http://soundcloud.com/evan-mcardle/sound-issues). I have a story written in dot points that I was never able to finish, and I've been looking everywhere for feedback to help me make it/a collab partner to write with/someone to finish it for me.

I asked on heaps of chats and forums, and I was eventually told that the people I was looking for were on this thread, so I really hope you can help.

It's called Orange Bloom: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1H7XJjTmaP-SUgMK6FOy4a_a-I9JYYv-3Z7X0ijJnoss/edit?hl=en_GB&pli=1#

If anypony is able to help me with this, please contact me (prolly by e-mail, because TBH, I only come to Ponychan occasionally).

>>88451
A thought:
>Ponies expect his desk and office to be messy
>They are shocked and surprised to see that it's not
>By invoking those feelings, he is spreading Discord
>Discord is all "PROBLEM, PONIES?"

>>88453
If you're looking for ideas rather than reviews, then you should probably post at: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/79400.html "Story Forge"

This thread is more for complete and finished story pieces.

>>88455
Ah! Thanks!

It's already being looked at, but maybe some other eyes would be nice on this story

Title: Under Every Lamppost

Tags: Romance, Comedy, Slice of Life

tl;dr synopsis: Jersey Boys meets FiM

Synopsis: An unemployed stallion with no future, a lovesick foal, a shifty criminal, and a phobic nerd find themselves drawn into one of the singing groups popping up under Ponyville's lampposts. Despite their differences, they have this magical chemistry together. They hope that success will help them all out. Things get totally out of control. Yet they get a taste of having their wildest dreams come true.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T4hKqrfg0cfufOO57w8o7NwOoZCIm-IFxv6eTUJlxnM/edit

Extra details: This is written in first person, but that 'first person' changes from chapter to chapter. I think that this lets me get the best of both worlds, but please let me know if you think it just doesn't work. This also has a more 'personal' and 'conversational' tone than most of what I've written. To be honest, I think this has been the most enjoyable thing that I've ever written (or one of the most enjoyable).

Story wise, it's pretty simple. Four colts start a doo-wop group that's based out of Sugarcube Corner. They get kind of famous. They have Pinkie Pie as a manager / cheerleader / muse / all around.

The four guys are:
Lynne = in love with Pinkie, baritone, co-lead singer
Ruby = in love with Sweetie Belle, tenor, co-lead singer
Patter = in love with stallion TBA (I'd like suggestions on that), countertenor, songwriter and backup singer
Blackberry = in love with mare TBA (I'd like suggestions on that too), bass, backup singer

I'm not so good on names, so I'd love feedback on that. Something that's not clear yet in the story (but will be clear in later chapters) is that Blackberry is really nerdy, really awkward, and barely able to function as a stallion due to his social phobias (he can't walk past a stack of papers without sorting them, he can't step the 13th step, etc). Patter is a mild-psychopath with a thick criminal record. Yet he's basically a good colt with a bad history (a physically and emotionally abusive father and a mother that 'loved' him, but the kind of love that you smoke cigarettes afterward).

Thanks!

I've since revised my story after it got reviewed, and I'm ready for someone to take another look at it.

Title: The Sweetest Gem
Name: The Rarispy
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Shipping]

Synopsis: It's no secret to almost everyone in Ponyville that Spike has a crush on Rarity. But little does he know that Rarity's little sister Sweetie Belle may in fact harbor similar feelings for him. However, she is unsure of how to react to her first crush, and the distance it's creating between her and her friends.

Links:
Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BWNRzXdeEiLNM3Rqq8FvNhUcG-sFRMqD01TRG1hEjEo/edit
Chapter 2:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UQMyc_2kv4ZzwmbKcXJO74QRHlKOIh3yYXDrn_JJz8I/edit
(I'd like both of these chapters reviewed, please.)

Comments/Requests:
The pre-readers at Equestria Daily said the initial draft I made felt dry and indicated I need help on show vs. tell and characterization. When Vanner last reviewed this, he said I had issues with pacing and making active yet non-telling descriptions, as well as speech tags and run-on sentences.

Vanner doesn't have to be the one to review it again if he doesn't want to (I know he wasn't too fond of the pairing in this story), I'm willing to have anyone take a look at it.

Can one of the maintenance posters change the link on the training queue for my >>88460 story?

The "post url" and "link" parts are messed up.

Thanks!

>>87166
>>87162

YouR pitiful RevieweR finAlly fAiled to plAy the Song of Time, and now I come out in full. This foRm shAll do nicely, foR now. PRePARe.

>>88467

>>88333

First of all I want to thank you for reviewing my work.

I always had problems with punctations, even in german but I guess it's finally time to reread the grammer section of my english book again. ;)

>I must admit I was impressed that you at least got your tenses right most of the time.
I must say that I am surprised too

As for my odd word choices: I still have to use my dictonary very often but even if I find a suitable word in it, I have no way to check if it is a commonly used word. I guess you are right and this will only improve with time.

Anyway, thanks for your work and your advices. I will try my best to consider all of them when I rework my fic.

>>88462
You should probably put titles as well as your name in your documents. Then they'd say something like:
The Sweetest Gem: Chapter One
By the Rarispy

>>88471
Might I suggest you take a look here?

Ezn's guide.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit

It should help you get started on the basics of punctuation as well as others.

I'd also recommend you start by reading the 5/6-stars fics on Equestria Daily. You will learn a lot from reading how others use the English language.

>>88409 I find this review very eye-opening at how horrible of a writer I really am. While I'd say "But this is my first fanfic! Cut me some slack maaaaaaan!" That just doesn't seem like a good excuse to me.

I'll be honest, I'm not keen on several aspects of writing a descent story. As I'm sure you've obviously noticed.
That's why I posted my fanfic here. To have it be slapped around (swiped around in your case?) by a reviewer until it cried little fanfic tears.

So, I really want you to know I appreciate you not just saying "F*yay* it" and giving up on the fanfic. This is a huge learning experience for me and possibly a mind-melting moment for you. Please, keep up with the amazing work.

(In the event your brain does actually melt, I won't hold myself responsible.) >_>;

>>88481
I'm glad to help. I'm also glad that you took a 'Nightmare Swiper' / vindictive mode review without getting dramatic over it. Anyways, I bash stories but never authors. Don't think that this makes you a terrible author. It just means that your story is only in the embryonic / fetal stages right now and needs a lot more work (especially if you're aiming for EqD).

Hopefully my mind was only slightly burnt and not melted.

>>88328
I don't think I'll return to doing line-by-line for your chapter, but if you post later chapters and you sit in the queue for too long, I may come to pick yours up again. =)

Title: Finding The Answers
Name: Nesstrodamus
Email: [email protected]
(Tentative)Tags: [Human in Equestria][Adventure]

Synopsis: A teenage boy who was involved in a fire that took his home awakens to find himself in a hospital. He soon encounters a creature that makes him realize one of two things occurred after that fire. Either he was involved in something supernatural, or this is one last fever dream before the end. Whichever the case, the boy uses the time that he has to try and pick life back up where it left off and possibly find a few answers to questions that have been plaguing him.

Link:
Chapter 1/Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oFe_eXX3x__iQi2SqAf1LDdSFSwr0oPBj6O6OMGF2Us/edit

Comments:
This has not been submitted anywhere yet. This is my first attempt at something like this and I think another pair of eyes looking over this attempt would help me out greatly.

>>84706

Apologies in advance for taking so long. I tried to go through this 40k fic line-by-line, which is a lot time consuming than I thought. Thanks for being patient and here's your review. Since this is a Megas XLR crossover, here's the theme song just because it's that awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwZZ9yLEqwQ

Alright then, before we start the review, I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to write this story. I know it can be hard sometimes to put yourself out there, but since you want a review, you obviously care about improving. I'll do my best to point out every mistake I can, but I'm only human. If it sounds like I'm being harsh, I hope you're not put off by it. Rest assured, I simply want to help you improve your writing. It seems like every chapter has something different in it relating to errors, as you stop making one mistake, but make an entirely different one instead. Most of the corrections for made via doc, with the general notes posted here.

I'm enjoyed reading your the story, but I have to stay objective. Of course, I may have only enjoyed reading this because I've seen the Megas XLR show. Because of that, I can picture all of those scenes in my head as they happen. For MLP fans however, it may not be as appealing. That's because this fanfic seems more of a Megas XLR fanfic rather than an MLP one. If it's any consolation, you got the Megas XLR world down pat and I could picture everything in my head well enough. The problem is trying to get the MLP part down.

I've also noticed that the first two chapters were the most polished and had the least mistakes in them. Since you're writing in an episodic format, I'm going to do the same with my review. The first two chapters would be the first episode hour-long opener (I'm guessing), and each chapter after that would be the normal half-hour episode. Without further ado, here we go!

Chapter One and Two Notes:

The fic starts in the MLP world but quickly switches to the Megas one. The intro just sounds like a prologue really. Since we're starting from the point of view of the humans, it looks like that's who the main character is. Considering what happens later in the battle scenes, when Coop kicks ass while the mane six and Celestia barely have any effect on the Glorft, this makes it seem more apparent. From the MLP side, readers will go "What the buck?" Most people who haven't heard of the television show might just think it's another HiE story. If you're fine with your fanfic having extremely limited appeal (crossover fics tend to do terribly), then continue on.

However, since we're in the MLP fandom, you might want to start from the point of view of the MLP world instead. If you did, you'd probably start with this part in the beginning, then immediately cut to Pinkie trying to bake cupcakes (start with her point of view), and then cut to when Coop appears in Equestria.

More examples of why this fanfiction sounds more like a Megas fanfiction instead of an MLP one:
The mane six and Celestia's royal guards are helpless against the Glorft, yet Coop manages to fight hundreds of them off easily. While true to the television show, it will make MLP fans balk. To someone not familar with the crossover, this seems like another story where the human comes in as a hero to save the mane six. Ignorant people will just call Coop a self-insert. Only Megas fans would know differently, but the other fans probably won't care about the story anymore by that point. That's another reason why crossover fics don't do well. It's hard to balance both universes and make them true to their original universe. Appealing to fans of both is very tough.

During the fight with the Mane six vs the Glorft, I'm sad because you don't mention what the other members did (to fight or stave them off). Basically, you glossed over it by saying they tried to fight but couldn't make any noticable effect on them. Especially with Celestia there, that makes me go "I want to see more. What's happening here? Noooo!"

Luckily, you don't make them completely useless as they play keep-away with the bag, but I still wanted to see what they did against the Glorft. I just find it hard to believe that they could do nothing against them, that's all. Twilight does do something at the end, but I'm curious as to the rest of them. As far as I could tell, the only things they did were play keepaway with the bag and Twilight blowing up the arm at the end.

There's only a small area where you have an infodump, but sometimes the description is pointless. Since this is a crossover, fans of the show will know where it came from and people that aren't fans of the show won't really care. Focus on the actions characters are doing right now instead of their backstories. If you try to explain your backstory, do so by having the characters ask each other (Although this is a bad idea in practice sometimes too). It only works when you have someone inquisitive like Twilight, but even then, don't overdo it.

Here's an article that can help explain it better.

Know everything about your character's backstories, but only write about 10% of it.

http://procrastinatingwritersblog.com/2010/10/character-planning-a-little-about-backstories-and-inner-demons/

The only time to go into description is when it's important to the plot or when readers need to understand something. Like the fact that MEGAS is run by a video game controller.

Another side note: When using quotes in dialogue, use single quotes instead of double quotes. Also, don't use all uppercase when making exclaimations. It's best to convey the meaning with exclamation points and body language. It's tough, but that's why overusing exclamation points is a bad thing. By the time you really need to use it, the effect already lost its meaning from overuse.

You also have a lot of passive voice and verbs that sound like this. "He started to verb" or "He began verbing." This is boring because it's passive voice. Here's an excerpt from Vanner that explains more.

Passive voice occurs when using any form of "to be" or "to have" and another verb. Passive voice takes away the action from the subject of the sentence , and acts as a tell instead of a show. It's a sign of lazy writing, and weakens the flow of the piece do to imprecise writing.

Beware of LUS (Lavender Unicorn Syndrome) as well. Here's an excerpt from Vanner again, which explains it better.

Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just
remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better
writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.


*****


Chapter three seems to have significently more mistakes and I think I know the reason why. At this point, we're at the 9k mark, so most reviewers would have stopped reading because of the systemic mistakes present through an author's story. Normally, you can look at the first couple of pages in a story and figure out real quick what the common problems are there. I continued on simply because I enjoyed the story thus far but I have a bit of OCD when it comes to correcting everything. I have to put a disclaimer here though. Although I'm a lot better at catching punctuation, grammar, tense shifts, and other stuff like that, I'm not so good with improving sentence structure, cutting down on repetition, deciding whether or not a scene is important, plot elements, etc. I do my best but I'm not that experienced yet, so be aware of that.

For this story, it seemed that a ton of new errors started popping up. Let's go over them now.

Chapter Three Notes:

Your character's actions involve a lot of looking at each other. In this chapter, it appears like this.

> The earth pony filly looked to her unicorn friend.

This brings up another problem, Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, which I mentioned earlier. It's still present in the story, and actually got worse. The entire part with Spike's introduction where you mention his every physical detail without giving us his name was... hard to read.

To drive the point of LUS further, here's another argument for it:

Descriptive identifiers are not necessary or pretty, just cheesy and inelegant. If a character's physical appearance has already been described, using a description to identify the character too often (unless it's a mighty beast whose description bears repeating and emphasis) makes it sound like it's a line out of a children's book or something. You don't have to say ʺbig purple dinosaurʺ, because ʺBarneyʺ is just fine.

Continuing on through your story, there are a lot of places where commas and other punctuation marks were missing. I marked as many as I could in the document. In chapter three onwards, the problem got worse.

Something pervasive through your writing is redundancy and repetitiveness. You love to tell what a character is doing, then say the exact same thing in dialogue. There are a few places where you use the same word too many times in a short span of time as well. I want to see more body language and facial expressions when the characters interact. This has to do with too much tell and not enough show. Here's another excerpt that explains it better (I seem to copy-paste a lot, eh?).

Readers want the play, not the script. "Showing" is incorporating the characters' feelings into their actions, thoughts, and dialogue instead of that boring old coot, The Narrator, telling us what they're feeling. If a scene is tense or sad, the characters should seem anxious or grieved. And for Celestia's sake, stop explaining everything! Readers aren't idiots, and some actually have the capability of abstract thought, believe it or not. With the exception of imagery, implicit is better than explicit. It sinks in better if they have to think about it for a second.

Telling is not always bad though. You did use it correctly when you used it to skip past the boring explanation scenes that we were already here for.

After chapter two, you start punctuating dialogue wrong for quite a bit. There's more examples in the omnibus in the top of this thread if you're interested in learning more. Here are some copypasted notes on dialogue punctuation.

You need to learn how to punctuate dialogue. Remember, if a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark.

Alright, well that's chapter three. It looks like you've corrected most of the mistakes I pointed out, so congratulations. I apologize for not being able to help you with the whole "Making this fic more MLP-Based" part however. Perhaps a different reviewer, one way more experienced than me, will be able to help you. Onwards to Chapter 4!

Chapter Four Notes:

During a lot of your writing, you like to repeat the obvious over and over, which gets boring. This is especially bad when you have the character act out the same thing anyway. Sometimes you have talking head syndrome too, which is when a bunch of characters talk to each other but we can't see their facial expressions or what they're doing.

Also, you mix up "there" and "their" sometimes as well as have random two period punctuations at the end of your sentences. I'm assuming it's a typo, so I pointed it out in doc.

There's no need to write adverbs unless they add something to your sentence. Cried sadly, would be incorrect, since sad is implied from crying. If she cried with tears of joy however, then you would say that, since the modifier makes the cry happy.

You keep making dialogue attribution errors, so here's an excerpt for you.

A couple errors in punctuating dialogue. Examples of the proper way to do it:
>He said, “I am a pony.”
>“You are a pony,” she said.
>He shouted, “I am a pony!”
>”Are you a pony?” she asked.
>He nodded. “I am a pony.”
>“You are, in fact, a pony.” She smiled.
>“You are a pony,” said the innocent bystander. “I, too, am a pony.”
>”Now that you mention it,” said the pony, “you’re also a pony.”

So. If your verb is “said” or an appropriate replacement, use commas. If it’s not a said-equivalent, use periods. Thoughts follow the same punctuation rules, but they use italics rather than quotation marks. Errors:

>her. Applejack grumped (also double space)
>”Applejack?” She repeated.
>never...” Started Twilight.
>sorry...” Began Applejack.
>first.” She finished

When attributing dialogue, please avoid using adverbs and non-”said” verbs unless they really add something. In most cases, tone and intention can be derived from context.

This story has a lot of potential for comedy but the execution is a bit lacking sometimes. For someone that watched the show, I can picture the same scenes happening but for people not familiar with it, they'd be confused because some of the sentences are telling and bland.

Also, spell out the word "okay." It's more word-like than "OK" and "O.K." I'm not sure how to explain it, but "ok" and "Ok" are especially annoying to see in writing. Like talking via talk message or something, I don't know.

However, I did notice that you were improving when you were fixing up Chapter four. Since you're still fixing up chapter four and keep deleting my placeholder notes, I guess that means I've put enough for you to chew on and I can end my review here. Normally, one waits till the review is complete before trying to fix up the problem, but since you're so eager, I'll just stop now. So here you go. Hope I helped.

>>88296
Thank you for that preliminary review. Your comments stayed on the Gdofemoral arteryil just after the second section, so it covered the Lamplight sequence and the very start of it. I'm still a little confused as to whether this is a full review. I can see that you have highlighted two major areas to work on. I was just wondering whether I should pull these down and make the changes or leave them up for more appraisal. I'll reply to your comments on the gdoc. Once again, thank you for looking at it.

>>88513

I thank you for your time and assistance.

Thanks to you, I see where I went wrong. Sorry that I've already started making corrections, but most of my mistakes at this point were the same repetitive errors that I've learned to avoid. (After having them hammered into my skull.)

Thanks again for the review

Title: Pinkie Pie's Wonderful Flying Machine
Writer: OmegaPony11
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure/Sci-fi/Light Shipping

Synopsis: Join an adventure in the skies above as the Mane Six travel past Equestria’s borders, across oceans, and into new lands of wonder and technology. Follow their journey as they learn about these frontiers, the ponies that live there, their ideas, and about themselves as they make thier way into foreign lands in Pinkie Pie’s Wonderful Flying Machine!

Links:
Ch1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hH1u9fh_3jTYf15wftqNa7p6pPszHX_ZiB2kFOWAccQ/edit
Ch2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fc7WccQ_sHBgA0QB19qRXhkhNO8ai1fSSHYttYynqEY/edit
Ch3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nSvLMhZSyQTvHUV4mEr__yzSGNx_Au-mz_AkG5MiFvk/edit

Primary focus is on chapter 1, though any reviews for the other two would be appreciative. I have brought this fic to other reviewers, namely Vanner and Vimbert, but I would like to request help because I am at wits end. Here is the pre-reader response:

My maine complaint so far is that Pinkie, while as enthusiastic as she normally is, has not made a single non-sequitur or otherwise off-the wall statement so far. She does do asides, but they seem less, um, Pinkie Pie than they should. And she is doing a lot of talking. The dialogue could stand to be broken up. Here is the paragraph that finally got to me.
"Cupcakes and muffins and all that stuff is easy to make, and the materials are much easier to come by,” Pinkie explained as she opened the door to the engine room, “Just
look at this ship! Metal! Lumber! Canvas! A pony like me just can’t get
all this stuff in one go. I had to call in a lot of favours, and spend a
lot of time usually saved for parties and pranks to build this. I love
being in Ponyville where all my friends are, and I love having parties
and working on delicious tasty treats! If this ship wasn’t bugging my
noodle for the past six months, I would have kept making goodies. And
it’s so much more fun to be here in Ponyville having fun and bringing
smiles than lecturing in some mechanics class in some academy. By the
way, remind me to have you sample my new butterscotch-maple-walnut-soufflé. I think it makes a yummy in my tummy, but for some reason Mister Cake didn’t want to give it a try.”
That's a lot of dialogue that could use some Pinkie actions to break it up. She's never still when talking.

Pinkie then opened the door to the engine room as she waited for Rarity and Fluttershy to enter before closing it behind them.
This is kind of long and awkward. She opens and closes the door in one sentence. It's weird.


Mageia Chrysalidas
This is not a very pony word. How do you even say this?
Mah-gee-ia Cri-sal-ee-das ?

“Oh, um, I guess I can help with your work,” Fluttershy said, “Rainbow Dash does say I have a ‘freaky knowledge of sewing.’”
Sorry 'shy. I don't see the connection. It sticks out as a weird reference instead of a cool reference.

Her life as she knew it would always be in Equestria; if not staying in the Boutique in Ponyville then moving on towards the elite of Manehattan, New Yoke, or even Canterlot.
Your comma grew an extra dot

Her forays with the upper crust (though not that pony in particular) were memories she still looked back on fondly.
I really dislike parenthesis in prose. They should be reserved for narrator asides to the reader, something a serious work like this probably shouldn't have.

While geography was not her strong suit, Rarity did feel that information about other nations and even other continents should be common knowledge, rather than the feeling of discovery now.
You lost me here. I don't quite follow what Rarity is feeling. Is she wondering why more people don't know or why she doesn't know?

I'll just note that this is moving s bit slowly. The various descriptions of WHAT is happening are interesting, but there are a lot of them. I just want them to launch teh ship already :|

“I took a look myself, and no altas mentioned any place like Mechanon. Still, Pinkie did say that Mechanon was far across the ocean, and no pegasi or ship was been able to fly that far. I am curious how this Cogworks made it across. Pinkie never explained.”
Still may need more lampshading. All of her friends are giving up a large chunk of time for a place not even Twilight has heard of? On Pinkie's word? Seems fishy.

“Pinkie wouldn’t steer us into danger or some false promise. Maybe steer us to a party or what appears to be a wild goose chase, but never anywhere she knew was not worth it.”
Twilight... How do you read so much and still say things like that.



---------------

They are generally saying you could make it a bit more engaging! Up to you!

I humbly request aid to make PPWFM the story it can be to get into EQD. Thank you for your time.

>>88475
Alright, thanks. I went back and put those in.

>>88522
If I were you, I would go ahead and take the thing down. I'd then comb through the rest of the story and look for the problems that I mentioned before. After rewriting it, I'd post it here again.

However: If you want me to keep going through the line-by-line review, I will.

>>88462
>>88540
Great!

I guess I'll go ahead and look at this story.

>>88347
>>88449
Ah, thank you very much. I have been trying to get a "day in the life" sort of feel for the opening of the story. I certainly see where you're coming from in regards to the story and I like how my various implications and red herrings give each reader a different impression.

I thank you for your review and work will be done on it once I get home from work. I genuinly do appreciate you taking the time for this.

>88535

No problem. Feel free to come back any time. :D

STATS
>Unclaimed27
>Pending reviews 13
>Reviews not yet seen by the author: 6

REVIEWS THAT NEED ACKNOWLEDGMENT

StarmanTheta | >>87704 | 2/28/2012 | | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
Grif | >>87058 | 2/25/2012 | | 2/11/2012 | A Star's Golden Chance | The Zephyr | >>83578
Pascoite | >>87127 | 2/26/2012 | | 2/25/2012 | Bones, Diamonds, and Time. | Noclipper | >>86966
Simon o'Sullivan | >>87197 | 2/26/2012 | | 2/26/2012 | The Manly Man Way | GWFan | No-post in TTG
Swiper | >>88218 | 3/1/2012 | | 2/27/2012 | My Little Old Republic | AidanMaxwell | >>87463
Swiper | >>88294 | 3/1/2012 | | 3/1/2012 | Twilight Incorporated | Cainiam | >>87913
 
PENDING REVIEWS

Josh Meihaus | | | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
Split Infinitive | | | | 2/10/2012 | Neo-Equestria | herpyderpy | >>83329
Seattle_Lite | | | | 2/12/2012 | From Canterlot with Love | Sagebrush | >>83644
Pascoite | | | | 2/16/2012 | Fluttershy’s Shadow: Chapter One - A doubt of a shadow | Broken Logic | >>84691
Sparky | | | | 2/16/2012 | Azurite Dawn | Tandyman100 | >>84726
Exarona | | | | 2/16/2012 | My Choices: Twisted Tales Through Time | Koolerkid | >>84836
Uma | | | | 2/24/2012 | Drop of Chaos | Cupcakes Knight | >>86736
Cassius | | | | 2/26/2012 | Bleak Descent | LunarShadow | >>87162
Pascoite | | | | 2/26/2012 | Harmonic Chaos | Kurbz | >>87187
Halcyon | | | | 2/27/2012 | Resolution | I_Post_Ponies | >>87450
Dublio | | | | 2/29/2012 | Icarus | Tamar | >>87829
Arcanus Brighthorn | | | | 2/29/2012 | Daring Do and the Alicorn's Shadow | Crowind | >>88026
Swiper | | | | 3/2/2012 | The Sweetest Gem | The Rarispy | 88462
 
UNCLAIMED FICS

| | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
| | | | 1/31/2012 | The Three Souls | Athlon2736 | >>81058
| | | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
| | | | 2/19/2012 | Contact: Apple Harvest | Ty500600 | >>85571
| | | | 2/21/2012 | Time of the Black Sun | RainbowDoubleDash | >>86014
| | | | 2/20/2012 | The Carnival of Chaos Chapter 2 | Dext | >>85808
| | | | 2/22/2012 | Celestia's Choice | Impossible Numbers | >>86177
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Termina's Final Twilight | Foursword4 | >>86531
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Birthright | Netaro | >>86544
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Spirits of Harmony Rewrite, Chapter I | Stormchaser | >>86575
| | | | 2/24/2012 | Kindle the Bonfire | sirhim11 | >>86730
| | | | 2/26/2012 | A New Mare | Charcoal Quill | >>87199
| | | | 2/27/2012 | Redemption of the Fireheart | Your Antagonist (VegaKS03) | >>87358
| | | | 2/27/2012 | Daring-Do and the Cruise of the Celestia | CloudCover | >>87387
| | | | 2/27/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>87471
| | | | 2/28/2012 | Elysian Fields | Bullets | >>87566
| | | | 2/28/2012 | The Fixers | Kyrie Illumina | >>87702
| | | | 2/29/2012 | Out of Context | Nuke_Equestria | >>87788
| | | | 2/29/2012 | The Pony Scrolls: Nightfall | Storywrite | >>88009
| | | | 3/1/2012 | Making Things Write | MegaTank | >>88151
| | | | 3/1/2012 | Millennium Eclipse | Lucky Stampede | >>88110
| | | | 3/2/2012 | Bowser and Pinkie's Super Bizarre Saga | Alkem | >>88351
| | | | 3/2/2012 | The Conversion Bureau : The Untold Story | Shader | >>87789
| | | | 3/2/2012 | Silence is Bittersweet | Truehearted | >>88378
| | | | 3/2/2012 | Under Every Lamppost | SwiperTheFox | >>88460
| | | | 3/3/2012 | Finding The Answers | Nesstrodamus | >>88489
| | | | 3/3/2012 | My Little Pony: The Glowmelon Mystery | Legendary Emerald | >>88533
| | | | 3/3/2012 12 | Pinkie Pie's Wonderful Flying Machine | OmegaPony11 | >>88537

Tags: [Normal] ([Crossover], a bit), Sports, Technology, Music, and Capitalism

Synopsis: Vinyl Scratch has a couple of days to waste between gigs, so she decides to spend some time in Ponyville and get re-acquainted with the rather-odd ponies who live there.

Links:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/150D6DJ4kYOVvbIHMuxfHixt_9y0KGeClEECSFPxWVqQ/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12S-ha8uOys0-Qxl1dC-cYL2y_AoEE6PMqOKpoR5_CPc/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_XQOukKW1zM4tRtS5-gmK81Rh79m5xPq0i-fUdT_oRU/edit
Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vWRPV66B-9lKLyeMZpGiLvwmPPoU6WF-QLfVBbCkb0M/edit
Chapter 5: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pnnYWu4n5FrvorMioGUFUKVTmZQayfl25uSKlyns-10/edit
Postscript & Credits: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YQkwzHN3LbilAkybB8bSKOvGsxy238dy3G2BFoLUNXk/edit

Chapters to Review: Well, Chapter 1 was the one that the critique was aimed at, so let's start there. That's the only one that deserves the [Crossover] tag, for Doctor Who.

Comments:
Prereader E's response: Unfortunately, we are unable to accept it for posting at this time. We suggest that you find an editor, either on Ponychan or elsewhere, that can help you improve grammar and phrasing, especially in (but not limited to) the area of run-on sentences. Also note that you do a lot of telling rather than showing in your first chapter, which is not engaging for readers. Please research the concept of 'show, don't tell' and consider ways to convey information to the reader through action and dialog rather than narrative exposition.

This was for the January 11 revision of Chapter 1 (copied over to https://docs.google.com/document/d/12GfrPLPB_gUm52EEImK3sph-evJgX8u18ZHH-9nrHBo/edit if for whatever reason you needed to see that version). Like a neophyte ass, I completely missed the neon glowing links to the Training Grounds in the email and tried to fix the chapter myself instead of submitting it to your collective infinite wisdom and/or ritual flailing.

P.S. I had the mad notion of making this story the first part of a six-part series (called "Betwixt Silver and Gold"), but that's assuming this part can even be made fit for consumption.

>>88541
I can see you've got a lot on your plate. I'll see if I can spot those pesky comma splices and put them to bed as well as hit those super telly areas with a showing hammer. I'll reupload this sometime next week. Thanks again.

>>88451
It's organized chaos.

>>88618
No offense, but I really think that you should focus on whatever version you think is your "best work".

Also, that document there needs: 1)comments open, 2)a full document title, and 3)something in the beginning of the actual document saying "This is Blah Chapter One by Blah"

>>88618
No offense, but I really think that you should focus on whatever version you think is your "best work".

Also, that document there needs: 1)comments open, 2)a full document title, and 3)something in the beginning of the actual document saying "This is Blah Chapter One by Blah"

First time...I hope I'm doing this right...

>>87199

I am claiming this story for review. I hope to have it done this afternoon...

Tags: [Normal]

Synopsis: A young Equestrian Guard recruit is ordered to attend - of all things - the retirement party of a complete stranger.

However, things at the party turn out to be not quite what he expected. As the night progresses, he learns some valuable lessons about himself and just what the duties of being a Guardspony in Her Eternal Princesses' Royal Guards entails.

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/13398/An-Old-Guardspony%E2%80%99s-Last-Duty

Comments/requests:
(I've already fixed most of the specific errors the pre-reader at EQD pointed out with another close editing pass.)

~~~~~
The prereaders at EQD said:

"...as the bartender seemed to look through him for a long silent moment." / Missing comma. (fixed)

"But fer the Toast – ya’ really should have something with a bit more bit more kick than water... if only outta respect." / Repeated words. (fixed )

"Throw your glass in to the fire, son," / Although "in to" in some way works, "into" is more proper and reads better. (fixed)

"The old unicorn saw the unasked question of why? written between winces of pain on Summer Oak’s face." / Unnecessary punctuation. (fixed)

"Ponies started to sit and eat and talk again." / Repetition of "and". (fixed)

"Um… All enemies?" / The word after and ellipsis does not need to be capitalized. (fixed)

"As he led his five panicking classmates – protected only by his magical shield and will - out of that hellish maelstrom of fire and smoke and blood and the screaming, the SCREAMING of ponies still trapped in the fire." / See example #5. Also, the sentence lacks the second conjoined action or event, as something happens, then something else happens. (Rewrote it a little, but I have a question. I specifically wrote that section to have long run on sentences for what occurs in that scene; mostly to try to get a feeling of breathlessness and a lack of time to pause and think. Hence the quantity of "ands" and the huge number of commas. Does it work, and/or how can I make it better?)

"And the last thing he noticed before slipping into the darkness..." / I didn't mention it before but you have a lot of sentences that start with conjunctions, most are done properly, but a number of them dont need to start with a conjunction, this one being a good example. (fixed this - cleaned up some others too. Not sure if I still have too many. :))

"...at the one spot on his flank NOT burned, having protected by the shattered wings of a pegasus dragged out of the inferno." / Missing word and it should be the pegasus as it's a specific one. (fixed)

"OK. The main thing you have to realize is that for most Equestrians – common sense isn’t." / Isnt what? Common? (the old joke is "common sense isn't" - as in either common or sense. But I rewrote that section to make it clear)

"They charged Nightmare Moon, a Goddess of the Night Incarnate..." / Incarnate doesnt need to be capitalized. (fixed)

Despite some errors, the story is actually rather good, a simple edit sweep and it should be good to go. I will mention that I believe the piece suffers from some dash abuse though, there are a lot of them, and a good number are either unnecessary, out of place, or can be easily replaced with more common punctuation. The writing style is interesting, and I do like it, but sometimes the story kinda goes everywhere with its sentence structure and the numerous dashes dont always help. Im not saying all of them should be removed, just that the author should look back through the piece and consider the usage of each one.
~~~~~
Thank you in advance!