Hmm how do you feel about Conversion Bureau fics?

How heavy can shipping get before you'd consider it clop? Would really suggestive stuff be okay?

>>88565
That would be treated like some sort of crossover- we have no idea what Conversion Bureau is. If it has the mane cast in it and is supposed to be like MLP:FIM, shoot! It'll stand or fall based on how well it does as pony fic to someone who has no idea from Conversion Bureau :)

>>88566
It's not my standards that are in question here as you well know! It's the standards of Ponychan. So don't post anything that shouldn't be linked directly to on Ponychan, or take it to the FIMchan thread which is not restricted in this way!

>>88567
um, ya know I think I'll wait then seeing as if the Mane 6 appear it won't be until way down the road

I'm saying... is something like:

{ "So, uh," he muttered, and he staggered backwards a little, "what exactly did you want me to do?" He ran his hooves along the cabinet drawers. "Like I told Big Mac, I worked as a secretary for the English Department back at the University." He reached up for a pile of folders, accidentally knocking it all over onto the floor. "Just let me know--"

"Oh, just look," the Mayor muttered, and she grabbed the eagle, "It's filthy." She reached over to the right and pulled out a washcloth from the side desk. "Can you polish these for me?"

"Okay," he replied. He picked up the washcloth from her hooves, and he rubbed it along the head of the statue.

"Polishing, is all about the feel, the technique," she cooed, and she nudged her hooves along on top of his hooves. He let out a little squeal, her delicate touching shooting tingles into his body. "You need to move forwards and then straight down. You need to pump." She thrust around with her hooves against the statue. "You need to rub along the sides, and then push."

"Uh, huh!" he moaned.

"And push!" }

That's okay?

>>88570
I reckon you can get away with any amount of that, especially if it's funny :) it's fairly clear when something is non-Ponychan. Sex, genitalia, horn-play, wing-play, all the direct stuff is off limits. Folks do all manner of 'sensuous' stuff without incident (drat, forgot to warn ponies about our aversion to second person- oh well, they'll find out)

Okay, then I'd like it if you'd look at these three scenes:

Titles are: A Nifty Little Number Like You (Part I) / Sucking on the Sweet Vine (Part II) / Hot 'n' Nasty (Part III)

There's no outright clop in this, and I'm pretty sure that it's safe for Ponychan.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UC2vlxOUTFJFTLe2F_P0tLi-7tfWBDiozgJRmiqQLQc/edit

So, anyways, the plot is that I wanted two things:
1)Ponyville has a drinking contest.
2)Miss Mayor is really sexy as far as cartoon horses go, so I wanted her to get shipped and I mean hard

Thanks!

>>88574
Gosh. I reckon that went up to about th' last possible moment you coulda still fit on Ponychan. I also think you like drinkin' jes' a mite TOO much, sugarcube, you ain't supposed to make love to that more than marehood! Somepony's got his priorities a bit mixed up! Don't get near Dashie with that stuff or I will kick you, she's impressionable.

That said- this don't feel exactly like Ponyville, but it does feel _consistent_. It's all of a piece with your main character there- the world sort of shapes itself to fit him *ahem* no implication intended! Y'all get me in trouble, I must be cautious. There isn't that streak of bitterness and hateful that destroys IC-ness, instead everypony tilts a little bit in the direction you need 'em. I think I come off most realistic, to be honest. I promise, I ain't got no still! But I reckon in your fic I do, and take the same competitive, hardworkin' spirit to it- and produce 'scumble' like in Discworld, that's made from apples (MOSTLY apples). I reckon in your fic my scumble rivals Nanny Ogg's, if you read Discworld.

I think as long as you remember to have your ne'er-do-well keep a heart of gold, along with all the other ponies, you'll bring a worthwhile new flavor of fic to th' world. And y'all best quickly take it to beyond-ponychan levels with that buildup, your story needs to blunder drunkenly into new areas just like the characters are, don't write it cautiously. I mean, go ahead and polish it, it could use plenty of that- your guy could be more warm-hearted for appealingness, there's lots of lil' writing details to fix including derped word choice (follow conscious/follow CONSCIENCE) and basic English usage (for instance, break a sentence with commas and you shouldn't capitalise the second half of the sentence, you used a comma)...

But on the whole, this is A Thing. It's alliiiive! Now you got to tend to it and grow it and prune it like a bonsai. You definitely got a thing there, even if it'll never win my heart 'cos it's really for drunk ponies who will prob'ly love the crap out of it. Go forth and finish it, and remember to keep everypony warmhearted. Good luck!

>pic related to too much scumble. erp!

>>88575
Oh, thanks. It's always really, really hard for me to write for Applejack. I tried to have her come across as a fun-loving character that's also really hardworking. Glad you liked it! :)

Although this is more for the mane six, I was wondering if you'd look at his one scene from a larger fanfic. It's about these four colts that have a singing group. The lead singer is this young foal that's (a)dumb as a stump and (b)head over hooves in love with Sweetie Belle.

I thought about using Snails, but Snails doesn't have the angelic singing voice I was going for. So, I went with an OC.

Link is: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7337/2/Under-Every-Lamppost/Romeo-and-Juliet-%28Ruby%27s-Dream%29

That's chapter two of the overall story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T4hKqrfg0cfufOO57w8o7NwOoZCIm-IFxv6eTUJlxnM/edit

If you want to look at the overall story so far, that's great. But it's mostly OCs except for chapter two.

Thanks!

>>88578
Well, they ain't doin' anything. Sweetie isn't really in that bit. Not in our bailiwick- jes' cos' your singin' pony jumps on Big Macintosh like he's a prop doesn't really count as a cameo, and Cheerilee ain't doin' much either.

Your trouble there is that your singin' boy could be anypony. The challenge of workin' with mane cast is that they emphatically cannot- you get them wrong, boy, and folks will notice. You make OC ponies, especially if they're nice like Ponyville ought to have, and you have just as tough a task as the show writers, giving them distinctness without breakin 'em. We had a OC pony in here, got turned into a filly by magic. He was a real twink, but he didn't want to be a filly. It turned out to be enough to let him play off the mane cast pretty well.

I looked at th' rest of the story and am not happy at the hateful nasty backgrounds- this is a world where cowponies fight buffalo with pies and then make friends, remember. You don't have to make it too gritty, it's the aspiration you want to portray. It's a lil' hard to work out what these ponies are about, too- references to punches and wicked construction ponies, but it ain't like the feelings are too specific. You got to imagine the feelings of things more vividly, can't just fall back on
>I let out a set on angry growls as I leaned over. I smashed the hat with my front hooves.
Fellow's tryin' to snark about boss's remarks, but weakly, and then right away he's talkin' dispassionately about 'quivering and crying' and then observes this is common for those abused as foals? He ain't his own social worker, you're way too detached from the inside of his head, to the point where he feels real detached himself. There's no weight behind his feelings, he's jes' going through the motions.

That's about as much effort as I want to put into a pony where, since it ain't a mane cast pony, I have no grounds for sayin' any of this- it's just how it seemed to me. I jes' think, less justification for his emotion, and more OF his emotion from the inside? If you're not clear on that, time you learned, if you intend to write guys like that.

>>88585
Okay... yeah, I'm guess the background to that story is more gritty and alternative universe-ish than the true MLP world.

Anyways, thanks for looking over my Rarity/Purity story. Could you go ahead and look it over again with this new chapter that I added? I don't know if you've seen the new chapter or not.

The link is: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IjqsCeD2dIXCd-SlLTvtq8tmJJSgL-o9iGX0AHNyCzw/edit

The newest chapter is: "Pure Beauty".

Anyways, I have some problems thinking about how this two-track romance (Rarity/Purity pursuing Twilight while Rarity/Purity is pursued by this OC stallion) will work out. I'd love any suggestions (such as stuff that they could do on dates and so on).

Thanks!

>>88588
We simply cannot feed you ideas, darling, you've already got so many that you've merrily taken up three slots in a row of our new thread! Whilst a prolific flood of creativity is fine and grand, you must remember that asking for guidance and writing are not the same thing.

Apply the advice Applejack has given you, about thinking more deeply upon the mental states of your characters and giving these states more inertia, and apply it to your 'Purity' story. I am pleased with some of my depiction there, particularly my capacity for putting on a bulletproof smile for clients that is not easily rattled!

I am not certain I would take such flirtations lightly- at the Gala, I was dead-set (madness!) on claiming that Prince Blueblood, though perhaps my shame in that debacle left me more inclined towards casual afffairs. I suspect the Platonic ideal of 'the perfect man' still carries some weight with me. As such I should be more inclined to this male pony, by force of habit- though to be frank, darling, he seems far from debonair, and I am not drawn to bumpkins on any level.

>>88672

Ah. Ahahaha. Present company excluded?

>>88672
>seems far from debonair, and I am not drawn to bumpkins

Yes, I was sort of afraid of that.

My idea of the Blackberry character is a sort of male Fluttershy that has very little self-confidence and is just about mild on social communication / social skills. At the same time, he also has a Fluttershy-like sense of deep, endless kindness as well as a strong intelligence. He's also very loyal and totally interested in fashion after Purity gets a chance to explain things to him. After Purity dresses him up in the suave ocean blue / sky blue sports-coat mix upon his bluish-purple body, he'll 'man up' a lot. I was also thinking that he'd explain his musical technician work to Purity, who'd feel very interested since I'd imagine she's a fan of intricate sort of 'baroque pop' music in the Left Bank / the Association / Beach Boys / sense. He might play Purity some of his own song ideas.

I guess the kind of romance that I'm going for is that Purity loves the idea of a stallion that would carefully follows everything that he says and picks up Purity's ideas about fashion with the same enthusiastic attitude of Sweetie Belle, but with the kindness of Fluttershy and the intellectual background of Twilight. Having a stallion say "tell me what you do that makes things so beautiful" is something Purity doesn't usually hear. What's happening is that Purity is 'making a man' out of him, but falling in love in the process.

Does that make sense?

>>88747
Got to write it, sugar- you can never tell what a concept will come out like until you write it. Your ability to jes' keep crankin' em out is a strong point, don't lose track of that.

Next year's Swiper will make this year's Swiper look like a plot, but you gotta write this year's Swiper to get to it- so off you go!

Alright, this isn't a review request of sorts, but I just wanted to apologize for my actions and comments in your previous thread. I should have proofread my story better before submitting it and my indignation was out of line. I'll try to redeem myself with a better fic sometime soon.

>>88938
We can handle a lil' indignation, sugar. If it's too much, Pinkie might tease you with it or somethin'. Don't fret, just work on th' craft if you care.

An' if you don't care, get yer plot outta here!

Wow, I've never tried an individual reviewer's thread before. This looks like fun!

I've got an Applejack fic for review. It's an idea I want to explore, but first I want to set the tone and see what works. The main characters featured are Applejack, Twilight, and Spike. Can you help me, Applejinx?

Title: Redstreak Jack: Orchards of Time

I had a load of difficulty with this, and it still nags me to a point (no offence to nags, of course). I like the catchiness of the second half, and I want it to be "Jack" something or something "Jack", but "Redstreak" seems like the wrong word. I can justify it being there, but it sounds a bit silly in combination.

Tags: [Comedy][Random][Dark][Adventure]

It'll definitely have an absurd edge to it, hence the comedy and random tags, and there will be an undercurrent of menace to the whole business which will get stronger as the story develops and AJ gains more experience in time travel.

Synopsis: “Somethin’ tells me we ain’t in Ponyville no more, Winona.”

After being misled into drinking a mug of experimental tea in Twilight’s home, Applejack ends up jumping back and forth in pony history, and she doesn’t like it one bit. But the history books need editing: the stories aren’t following their original courses, and it’s getting worse with each century. Ponies are vanishing from their places in space-time. Now far away from home, Applejack just happens to fill a niche in a new discipline: time-travel rodeo.

With the guidance of Twilight Sparkle, who in turn is guided by Spike the dragon, who in turn is guided by a really snazzy Dewey Decimal System, Applejack must impersonate famous ponies from the past and re-enact the events that made Equestria history. It’s a tough job, but somepony has got to do it. Who better than ol’ reliable herself?

There’s just one catch: if she fails, Applejack will cease to exist.

With an assortment of astronomers, archaisms, after-eights, apothecaries, aardvarks, anti-ageing acid, atomic magic bombs, and – of course – lots and lots of apples.

Link: This'll take you to the intro:

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14101/Redstreak-Jack%3A-The-Orchards-of-Time

However, it's currently unpublished. You won't be able to see anything without the password.

Password: RedShift

You just copy it as it is. There's no space between the words.

Comment/Request: Obviously, the main thing is character. I want Applejack and Twilight to come across as Applejack and Twilight. I've tried to make them both polite (while having Applejack justifiably upset at being tricked), and I've tried to make Twilight seem as helpful as possible to make up for the fact that she tricked her friend and twisted words a little.

I don't know if you review in Spike's voice, but he plays a small role in this scene anyway, so not much focus is needed for him.

On other matters, I want to know if the pacing works. My idea was to get straight into the action and add more details surrounding the lead-up later, but I wonder if it's worth adding in more details before the big plot event. In other words, does it feel a little too quick?

Also, AJ's accent. Is it too little, or too much? I'll edit accordingly, but ever since All of a Fluttershy I've tried to be conservative.

I admit the idea of using magic edibles to get the plot going sounds weird, but I didn't want a big ol' time machine again, and in any case I'm aiming for a level of absurd. Is it too jarring, though? Would you prefer a big ol' time machine?

Lastly, was it fun to read? This is very important! As much as this is a work in progress, I don't want that to be an excuse for sloppy writing. I want this fic to be as smooth and enjoyable as possible.

I am developing this on StoryForge 4.0, but since I've written up something already, I got the impression a full review would be suitable by now.

Oh yes I think it'll be interesting to here what you have to say on the final chapters of cloudy stars.
Ch. 4: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7231/4/The-Cloudy-Stars/On-Azure-Wings
Ch 5: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7231/5/The-Cloudy-Stars/Pink-and-Red
Ch 6: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7231/6/The-Cloudy-Stars/The-Stars-at-Dusk
Epilogue: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7231/7/The-Cloudy-Stars/Epilogue%3A-A-Mare%27s-Tale

Does Nightmare Moon count for the purposes of this thread?

I'm curious what you think of my Nightmare Date story. Admittedly, it's a gooey and gushy wish-fulfillment romance involving Moon. The elements of harmony have partly failed, leaving the process incomplete. Yet the power of pure heart's true love can save the day and melt Moon's icy heart. Very gooey, I know...

I guess I'd like to see specific pointers as what what I could add or change to make things look better. This has ended up being the most popular thing I've ever written on fimfiction (which was a surprise, but certainly a pleasant one).

If you read through to the end, there's the readers choice in alternative endings. The fimfiction version of this story goes into graphic detail r.e. the sexual ending. Here on Google Docs, I've tried to have something like a tasteful fade-out and fade-in.

Thanks again!

>>89254
Derpy Derpy

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xO7G4S1b6ynkHriG4bdBkDfbOqCltR0rOXHtsE2lkTU/edit

>>89180
Gosh, this is gonna be interestin'.

Y'all ever heard of writers name of Douglas Adams an' Kurt Vonnegut? How about Terry Pratchett? Lots of us writer ponies like him.

Seem like you're tryin' to BE like him- or like them.

Now, th' reason you can git away with it more than your typical writer pony is, you got the chops for it. Mighty little awkwardness. Ain't you written before? You write like it ain't your first time at th' rodeo.

The things YOU got to watch out for ain't quite what you expected. It ain't so much gettin' the characters right- that's all well within the range of 'readers can deal with that'.

No, sugar, you got to grapple with the same troubles Adams and Vonnegut had to deal with (not always successfully)- y'all so caught up in cleverness that them characters seem what Adams called 'feckless'. They're kinda blinkin', stunned, at th' goin's on in your story. They get sidetracked- th' bit about 'I always hated your apple cake' lost me, I'm not sure what point Twi was tryin' to make.

Twilight is your best match for this style o' writin', but Applejack is your secret weapon. Twi already thinks an' acts a lot like your style, gettin' caught up in details, but you need to enlist Applejack's aid so that, rather than the unwillin' victim of all th' time shenanigans and baffled by all them confused ponies, SHE has a clear idea of what she must do, she wants to do it, th' reader knows specifically what she wants to do and why, an' then she charges off determined to do it- only to run straight into an Adams/Vonnegut book where everypony is friendly and confused and not quite right.

Hell, son, I'd read that. Use that cleverness to a good end! Work it out like a mystery writer so that the endin' makes sense and let her win or maybe jes' get lucky... the thing is, you GOT to get Applejack's active support or the story is lollygaggin'. That's the curse of th' hitchhiker, and th' reason Adams wrote so little- he knew much of the whimsy he wrote was jes' wastin' time, so he had to pick only the best, and try to stretch out beyond that.

You got to do better than jes' cleverness. You got that down, you got th' characters good enough, now let them care about what's happenin' in such a way that they have some ideas of what to do. They don't have to be th' right ideas, but they need to have more intent. Even Twilight don't feel like she has an idea what she's doin'. I realise th' author knows she is out of her depth and so is Applejack, but you must remember that they ain't the author, so they get to have WRONG ideas and believe they know what they're doin'.

You just gotta be clear on the distinction between that and what's really happenin', so you can cleverly sneak in hints to what's really goin' on, and make it that much more effective when the character's ideas of their world turn out mistaken.

>>89247
Yep, I remember you- still much th' same, too. Sloppy-ass writin', nice knack for the characters, need to pay much better attention to th' technical side o' things. If I was line editin' this, almost EVERY line would have changes, sometimes big changes, almost every one simple mechanical grammar changes. It would be awful easy, which means you need to learn to do it yourself.

Stuff like
>"But my, um, doctor probably has the covered." Why? Why aren't you letting me go?
>"Heh, has your doctor won any awards in flying? No? Didn't think so. Besides, if he hasn't even taught you the basics he's probably not that good of a doctor.

which at the very least should be

>"But my, um, doctor probably has that covered." Why? Why aren't you letting me go?
>"Heh, has your doctor won any awards in flying? No? Didn't think so. Besides, if he hasn't even taught you the basics he's probably not that good of a doctor."

It was s'posed to be 'have that covered', obviously, and ya forgot the end quotation mark more than once. You got to tidy up after yourself, hon, them chapters is LITTERED with silly lazy mistakes like that. Go clean 'em, it shouldn't be that hard.

>>89255
Dang, you're a writin' fool, ain't ya?

My only comment is this- Princess Luna ain't gonna exactly take on the attitude of a high school mean girl. She ain't gonna call a despised subject a 'loser' 'cos that is an insult among supposed equals. She's kind of subverted noblesse oblige, more about exasperation than anger. Like if you had an infestation of ants, and you'd be all like "Oh consarn it, THESE things again?"

Y'all have written an edgier, crankier 'Woona'. Ain't canon fer beans, but that don't mean it ain't a popular take on our Princess. It's jes' that nobles REALLY don't think like school kids an' certain types of angst are jarrin'ly out of place.

Ya don't do the stuff Nightmare Moon did, believe the stuff she said, and then turn around and think, 'oh no, I'm a monster!' If she could do that she wouldn'ta done the stuff she done. She thinks she's hard done by and awful poorly treated, and is outraged all the time at that. When she came back to us, she tried to tone it down, but there weren't a trace of 'I'm a monster', it was still all 'How dare they mistrust my beautifulness!' and then, '*sob* nothing I do can persuade them that I am good, I am powerless to teach them the truth and still mistreated, even now!'

That there's important, writing our Luna. You ain't the first to derp it and won't be th' last.

>>89180
>>89469
Even if the story needs work, I have to ask you to keep going with it. The idea just seems brilliant, at least to me.

>>89471
Thanks for the review. Yeah, I agree that I've pushed the Moon / Luna portrayal too far in the direction of a teen girl... although I guess I felt like I had to do that in order to make the story appealing (at least appealing to me). Oh, well. I'll try to revise the story and make it better.

>>89469

> Y'all ever heard of writers name of Douglas Adams an' Kurt Vonnegut? How about Terry Pratchett? Lots of us writer ponies like him.

Yep. I've read all of Adams' and Pratchett's books and I've recently turned to Vonnegut's collection. Vonnegut's a bit gloomy and postmodern for my tastes, but his advice on fiction is spot on.

> Seem like you're tryin' to BE like him- or like them.

Oh dear. Is that a bad thing? I wouldn't want to get too ambitious.

> Now, th' reason you can git away with it more than your typical writer pony is, you got the chops for it. Mighty little awkwardness. Ain't you written before? You write like it ain't your first time at th' rodeo.

Eeyup. On fanfiction, I wrote All of a Fluttershy, Baking for Humble Pie, and Through the Eyes of the Hurricane (that last one's been taken down for editing work). Even before then, I've been involved in writing tasks and projects for a fair while.

> The things YOU got to watch out for ain't quite what you expected. It ain't so much gettin' the characters right- that's all well within the range of 'readers can deal with that'.

Nice. I'm relieved to hear that. AJ was a tough one, because I didn't want her to come across as a jerk when she confronted Twilight about the trickery.

> No, sugar, you got to grapple with the same troubles Adams and Vonnegut had to deal with (not always successfully)- y'all so caught up in cleverness that them characters seem what Adams called 'feckless'. They're kinda blinkin', stunned, at th' goin's on in your story.

Oh. Is it something I need to correct now, or just something to watch out for in the next chapter or two? It's a new adventure, so I figured they are (or AJ is at least) going to be a little unclear for a while. I can give AJ a little character development by having her become more determined to help out, and then have her effectively take charge of the matter. The whole point of Twilight's guidance was to stop AJ becoming clueless every time she went somewhere new.

> They get sidetracked- th' bit about 'I always hated your apple cake' lost me, I'm not sure what point Twi was tryin' to make.

She pretended to lie so that AJ would get upset, thus proving Twilight's point that AJ doesn't handle lies very well. Notice that she immediately points this out when AJ asks her (in a shocked voice) if she'd been lying this whole time.

> Twilight is your best match for this style o' writin', but Applejack is your secret weapon. Twi already thinks an' acts a lot like your style, gettin' caught up in details, but you need to enlist Applejack's aid so that, rather than the unwillin' victim of all th' time shenanigans and baffled by all them confused ponies, SHE has a clear idea of what she must do, she wants to do it, th' reader knows specifically what she wants to do and why, an' then she charges off determined to do it- only to run straight into an Adams/Vonnegut book where everypony is friendly and confused and not quite right.

I'm not sure what you mean here. Is this how AJ should be from the get-go, or should I write her like this in the next chapter? I don't want her to come across as too easily persuaded, hence all the shenanigans with Twilight's trickery and Twilight having to explain that she's making it as easy and smooth for her as possible (barring one or two hiccups).

> Hell, son, I'd read that. Use that cleverness to a good end! Work it out like a mystery writer so that the endin' makes sense and let her win or maybe jes' get lucky... the thing is, you GOT to get Applejack's active support or the story is lollygaggin'. That's the curse of th' hitchhiker, and th' reason Adams wrote so little- he knew much of the whimsy he wrote was jes' wastin' time, so he had to pick only the best, and try to stretch out beyond that.

> You got to do better than jes' cleverness. You got that down, you got th' characters good enough, now let them care about what's happenin' in such a way that they have some ideas of what to do. They don't have to be th' right ideas, but they need to have more intent. Even Twilight don't feel like she has an idea what she's doin'. I realise th' author knows she is out of her depth and so is Applejack, but you must remember that they ain't the author, so they get to have WRONG ideas and believe they know what they're doin'.

My idea was that Twilight is "still investigating" the source of the history crisis, and she's being honest with AJ by just saying what she does know and getting to the point that's relevant to AJ.
I can take the wrong ideas thing and use it as a red herring later on, though, if that's what you're suggesting - for instance, Twi thinks it's one thing, they get a chance to correct it, only to make it worse because it's actually something else.

> You just gotta be clear on the distinction between that and what's really happenin', so you can cleverly sneak in hints to what's really goin' on, and make it that much more effective when the character's ideas of their world turn out mistaken.

Yes! Thanks for the suggestion. I'll get to work on it.

>>89823
>I can take the wrong ideas thing and use it as a red herring later on, though, if that's what you're suggesting - for instance, Twi thinks it's one thing, they get a chance to correct it, only to make it worse because it's actually something else.

You've got to be the judge of that. I'm only sayin', and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, you've got to start off with a clear and obvious direction EVEN if you're going to subvert it later. You should be able to explain the hook in a lil' bitty sentence, that's what they call an elevator pitch. Even a maze has a clear entrance- to even get people into your maze you got to make the walkin'-in point dead obvious. They can be confused and baffled later, after you got 'em in there thinking they know what's happenin' :)

>>89824

> You've got to be the judge of that. I'm only sayin', and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, you've got to start off with a clear and obvious direction EVEN if you're going to subvert it later.

Is it not clear at the moment, then? I thought the talk scene between Twilight and AJ would have been clear enough.

I don't want to keep eating up space on your thread for a discussion on one fanfic, so I'll be brief: is this opening fine as it is, or does it need a rewrite?

Sorry if I come across as curt, but like AJ I prefer getting to the point. I do think this is a key point you've brought up, though.

>>89828
I don't know exactly what AJ is supposed to be doin', or exactly what Twi thinks is happenin'.

I know it was somethin' to do with time, but my sense of the specifics is real vague, jes' like I saw how Twi was doing a 'tell lies to AJ' thing but did not get exactly why she felt a need to make that point right then. I get that her sense was 'somepony must be able to be cunning and tricky for this job' but there was no reason for her not to just say that. AJ would have to protest harder to justify Twi making a lil' demonstration.

You need to look over the opening of the fic and see what you can sneak in there to give more of an apparent direction. I ain't tellin' you specifics, just that I had very little idea of what the point of the time travel stuff was. I needed some kind of example, a specific thing AJ was to do, a specific event Twi sought to fix/prevent.

>>89832

Oh, I get it now. Thanks for clarifying.

I should warn you that this story isn't much of a story. It's barely a flashfic.

Title: Fabulous
Tags: [Shipping]
Synopsis: Okay. Y'got a moment to listen to my story? Well, it don't matter, 'cause I'm tellin' it to you anyways: My brother Big Macintosh is eloping!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_PMl4V3T6Mtwe8oZo-wOLxU4eGdWGAUk6PsX4xMkzzw/edit

It's under 600 words.

>>90338
Ain't rightly a story, is it? Are ya gonna write th' story? Trouble is, you could take the first, second, next to last and last paragraphs and just keep those- and it'd be better, 'cos it'd be tighter and more to th' point.

Whyn'tcha do that and then write the story part? 'Cos this is a teaser/prologue, not the actual story. Plus it ain't too clear whether we're s'posed to be rootin' for me to bring him back or not.

>>90406
I'm afraid this is all there is to the story. Or, at least, this is all there is to what I'm writing. The story isn't quite about Applejack and her quest to find her brother, but rather, about Big Macintosh's actions in town and his running away to meet Hoity-Toity. I suppose this would work for an introduction, but this was as far as I planned. The ending I kind of chose by a toss of a coin--it was either that or "Your loyal subject, Applejack." I apologize for disappointing you again.

>>90490
Aw... well, keep an eye open for more ideas, an' do somethin' else! Ain't no sin if an idea don't lead anywhere. You should see some of the ideas I've had that never made it into a fic! Boy, howdy, it'd curdle your spleen. It all works out in the long run if you just rest up and then keep patiently pluggin' away when you got your hooves under you again.

See ya next time!

FIMFiction has the first four chapters.
Story Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15291
I've uploaded a partly edited version of chapter one on Google Docs.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TYjRQn3D6PzRNeVqmfbDneqJFjOV7Ruv7mOsFhrFJb0/edit
Tags: Mystery, Adventure, Everypony, Diamond Dogs
Synopsis: Twilight and Applejack are kidnapped by a gentledog thief, their friends set off to return them home.

Equestria Daily Critique: "The word count is most definitely there, but it needs some spit and polish. The pacing is VERY fast in the first chapter, some parts are a bit too descriptive (like the train station), others aren't descriptive enough (Twilight and AJ getting grabbed), and while I can see that there's potential, it's not enough to grab my brain and go "READ ME!"

I'd say have an editor go through with him on Ponychan and see if they can help shape things up into a more normalized narrative. Like I said, potential, but it needs work."

Said critique I took into consideration and consequently edited Chapter 1 but have yet to apply such observation to the chapters afterwards.

Thank you for your time and attention to the matter.
-Professor Blue

>>91074
Aw, honey, it ain't like you got to stretch it out. Ya can't say stuff like
>The locomotive began transitively chuffing softly with an odd distinctiveness.

I can't work out what that zebra accent is meant ta be in the slightest, and twice in the first pages you've described somethin' with an adjective and 'ish'. Can't use 'ish' as part of a description 'cos it's like saying the narrator/describer is confused as a person and we can't have confused narrators unless it's on purpose...

Everythin' moves in derails. That first paragraph with th' youngish stallion... sky's dark except it's blazin' except the light is soft so it can't blaze. He looks north and south when we don't care specifically what compass directions the signals were, and ya gotta remind us red is prohibitive? They're down th' tracks but he left them in the signal house? You mean 'set them' from the signal house, but we don't have to derail to the fact that he had set them when he was there, it's not relevant to the fact that they're still red. He's glancin' behind himself (not some other pony) at the signal board, but not just any signal board but the one that sits under three clocks, and you tell us about the clocks an' we forget we're thinkin' about the signal board when you tell us the clocks are offset by an hour when them clocks were only there to locate the signal board you just told us he looked at. Th' whole night is blank ON THIS BOARD but we've already been distracted, and it sounds like a poetic statement and then we go whoa! you mean th' board! Then you tell us about other trains after you just told us there aren't any, and then you tell us it's good to have other trains at night because it doesn't bother anypony, and then it's th' nature of the call, it's resonatin' in this pony's mind but 'as he remembered it' so it's like, you mean the WAY he's thinkin' about it or do you just mean 'he just thought of this?' and by the time he's uneasy about this special train we are so confused we got no idea what's goin' on.

Slow DOWN. Far from movin' events too fast, you are fillin' every sentence with such a mass of tangential detail that it's tough to make out what's happenin'. You got a knack for pickin' fancy words that are ambiguous- 'momentarily' the train whizzed by might mean that in a moment it did, or that it TOOK a moment to do that.

An' don't you ever transitively chuff again, I don't care how softly you do it. Terrible habit.

You got a hell of a lot of strange ways to put things-

>kicking one in the face and clear off her person, only to be subsumed by a different one
ya mean 'subdued'?

>force of her legs pryed free the grip of the dogs, stifled by a surprise of a wad of cloth being stuffed into her mouth.
As much as it would be nice for their grip to be stifled, cloth can't actually be surprised even by MY mouth so this whole thing derps itself into a heap of WUT

>As much as her bitter effort tried, Applejack found herself being pulled out of her room
My effort don't do nothin' by itself sugar...

>His rage rewarded a square hoof in one of their jowls
What's a square hoof doin' in their faces? Bein' rewarded, apparently. This is jes' perverse..

>Dazed for only a moment as he lay on the ground in a pained stupor, the group of the offenders ran off
Comma means it's the group that was dazed, and that don't make no sense at all.

>The engineer of the broad and sleek locomotive slammed the throttle lever all the way out, ushering a tremendous *WHUD* of pressure to whelm the bulkhead of the boiler and a belch of gasses from the funnel.
How do ya whelm a belch? I gotta try that sometime. Without another verb between 'and' and 'a', y'all just whelmed a belch.

You GOT to calm down and try to write more sensibly. When you try to get fancy, it goes crazy and ya say crazy things. You're in danger of bein' one of them ponies who write stuff like 'Eye Of Argon' and it's all because when you try to git fancy, you got a knack for grabbin' the wrong fancy word, or makin' the fancy sentence structure the wrong way. I can't get through too much of it, I'm not here ta mock you. Jes' sayin that seeming fancy is NOT your friend. Look for more obvious ways to express things because bein' artsy is betrayin' you and gettin' you in terrible trouble.

>>91290
>An' don't you ever transitively chuff again, I don't care how softly you do it. Terrible habit.

Thank you for the best thing I've heard all day.

I knew I should have either sought a better grasp of C.S. Lewis's narrative style, or tried to have it mingle with other author's techniques. Regardless I do see your point in my descriptive style being rather odd.
I have this problem that tries to hide itself as "being a meta-game" that I avoid using the same adjectives for as long as possible, to the detriment of my ability to make "clear and simple" prose.

I knew I should have either sought a better grasp of C.S. Lewis's narrative style, or tried to have it mingle with other author's techniques. Regardless I do see your point in my descriptive style being rather odd.
I have this problem that tries to hide itself as "being a meta-game" that I avoid using the same adjectives for as long as possible, to the detriment of my ability to make "clear and simple" prose.

Hello, love.Since you're being kind with everyone on reading their fics, I was hoping if you may look at this piece. This is an epic which was made to place a bunch of the canon of Equestria, with some of my features added so stuff flows, into a poem. (Think, paradise lost vs. the Genesis story, I guess.)

Here's the copypasta for the piece:

a)title: On the Origins of Equestria
b)Tags: [Normal][Poetry]
c) bearycool
d)Short Description: This piece is based off epic poetry, and the genesis of the world and the events that shape the present day Equestria; I.E. This piece has been made to describe in poetic format the origins of Equestria and how they connect to the Mane Six. Plot holes within the pony canon have been filled in by the author "Bard Clop" and has been summarized by his friend, "Gallant Hatter." There motto on this work is this:
Harmoniis, in medias res.
.

Note: Remember, the meter is lose and there is no rhyming. Also, if you need this, the word count at the moment for this is 1000.

Front Matter and Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/18JOAyQQxLQOsGUwkFwixKHwWQ6298mBCKt1no2J0PxI/edit

Note: Comments are enabled.

>>91465
Goodness! Please excuse me, I'm afraid
I've elbowed AJ quite out of the way
because I think she's likely rather worse
at properly discerning metered verse.
While yet I find myself discreetly puzzled
Well- how about entirely confuzzled?
The whole thing reads as if it's like a poem
Yet never do you bring the music home-
Is it your wish to play those tricky games?
Or in the end, is it, to you, the same
to hint at tones archaic and of history
but derp the crap out of the stricter mysteries?
It's wonderful how ancient all the words feel
And I can see how this must be a big deal-
Impressive to most anypony reading-
It's just that this poor unicorn is needing
Attention to the technical department
For after all, the tone and oldness part sent
me into transports of anticipation
And though you might well think it not my station
I cannot help but cry my maddened outrage
At reading on and on right down the fic page
Discovering no rhyme, no meter- I'm stuck!
Deny me? And you'll leave me hanging? WHAT THE F-

Whoa, hold on there sugarcube! Heh, excuse us. We get a lil' carried away at times, din't realise Twi was a poetical type. Ow, stop bitin' me, settle down! Dashie! Come help suppress th' unicorn!

There once was a pony called Beary
Who played with the poem-writing fairy
He kissed her all night
But then he totally, totally dumped her in the end
And made our poor Twilight all sweary!

>>91473

Now, my dear, do not worry
there is a reason for my story.

I place this poem in heroic verse
and placed it like a story being rehearsed.

And of its meter, there is indeed a meter
a lose blank verse, a five to half a meter.

In its structure and many words
its like the lost of paradise, within its words.

Archaic phrasing, and enjambment like so.

Id est, the poem doesn't have any rhyme but it does have a meter. The meter goes from a 5 to 6, with one line being placed in a tetrameter for necessity. Stanzas are broken up in a paragraph format to place it like a story, and recall the poem "Paradise Lost."

It is of good intention, my dear
so do not weary, but assure my dear
that in its structure is a meaning.

>>91481
That's nice, hon... I reckon I don't hear quite the same, ya know, tumte tumte business, in your'n... maybe I jes' don't understand them things so good.

I know what a syllable is an' in your reply there (th' first lines) you got seven, nine, twelve, eight- it ain't ever quite th' same so I can't rightly work out how you'd even say it. And jes' readin' it, Twilight wants to gnaw off your kneecaps- Dashie, you keep sittin' on her, you hear?

I do understand them poetry things can be over-formal- maybe not the way Pinkie does 'em- and that Twi prob'ly likes it all rigid... stop gigglin', Dashie! but you might want to work on gettin' your rhythms down if ya think that really is five of anythin' against six of anythin' else. Or jes' carry on as you please, and avoid purple unicorns with poetical tendencies.

Especially, don't ya get into a poetry slam with our Twi. She'll ruin you, honey, for all her uptightness ;)

>>91485

I'll be sure to write her a structured anecdote for each free-verse poem so each group can be happy on the matter!

>>91487
Ya mean an antidote? I reckon she needs one by this point!

>>91488

Well, I hope this anecdote WILL be the antidote for her, for I can see behind you that she is still insane. Boy, I haven't seen anyone like this since that Big Macintosh and doll incident. D:

Greetings. I wish to have a full rundown review of two fics of mine, both of which I deem equally important to my life as a Pony-fic author since they're also my mane (and only) Pony fics (unless you count some drabbles I made). Nevertheless, I'm new to boards, so I apologize for any posting errors I make.

Fic #1 is titled the Apple Spectrum; synopsis is:
"Rainbow Dash is called into action by Applejack to help Sweet Apple Acres during an event. During this, Rainbow sees the benefits of grunt work while learning what life would be like if Applejack stayed by her side as her friend. Her best friend." -copied directly from my profile on FanFiction.

What I really want hit hard is my grammar, punctuation and how well my writing is if possible. I'll be glad to receive a review either way.

Fic #2 is titled "Blazing Run through the Animal Kingdom"; synopsis is:
"Trixie and her band of show-stopping assistants travel to a foreign land tossed into chaos when the Giraffe monarchs' national treasure is stolen and the Canine monarchs are framed. Trixie must clear the names of the Canines before total war break out." -copied directly from FanFiction.

Stories are located on my profile on FimFiction and FanFiction under the username of Arby Works and links are below:

Apple Spectrum: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7642934/1/Apple_Spectrum

BRttAK: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7929303/1/Blazing_Run_through_the_Animal_Kingdom

Thanks for your time. Again, I apologize if I make any errors in posting my fanfics up for review, I have never used this type of board before and I'm new to this type of review process.

I hope you're doing well, thanks; Mr. Masato/Arby Works.

>>91785
Sugar, your VERY FIRST LINE is all over th' map as far as tense and construction goes. It says,

>Perched on top of a cloud slightly above a field outside Ponyville lies Rainbow Dash. Lazing around, she simply stared at the sky watching the few, higher clouds above float. It's a contrast of white and blue that seemed hypnotizing. Usually, she'd be napping, flying, showing off, or weather related jobs, but today, she simply spent it cloud watching.

If you have it in third person past tense like most published writing, it's meant to read,

>Perched on top of a cloud, slightly above a field outside Ponyville, lay Rainbow Dash. Lazing around, she simply stared at the sky watching the floating of the few, higher clouds above her. It was a contrast of white and blue that seemed hypnotizing. Usually, she would have been napping, flying, showing off, or doing weather related jobs, but this time, she was simply spending it cloud watching.

Here's why I made th' changes I done.

Them commas are because your 'slightly above a field' is a separate clause that's in the middle of your 'perched, lay Dash' construction. The tense of 'lies' changes to 'lay' because you're in past tense.

Second sentence is awkward as a hog at teatime with the 'clouds above float'. You can't start with 'lazing around, she' and end it up like that, which is why I moved 'float' into the middle of the sentence- she's watching 'the floating of the' because you got to set that off as a distinct thing that she's watching, not as yet another verb. She is the subject of th' sentence, NOT them clouds. That's why you end it with 'above her', ties it back to the subject of th' sentence, and lets this floatin' be a separate thing, the target of th' watching that she is doing while lazing.

Third sentence, ya derped the tense AGAIN. Can't have 'it's a - that seemed'. It's either gonna be 'it's a thing that seems' or 'it was a thing that seemed'. We're in past tense, you do the second one.

Fourth sentence you run into a bear of a problem- it ain't the 'she'd be', that turns into 'would have been' when it's past tense. It ain't leaving out 'doing' the weather related jobs- without that, you're saying she would BE a weather related job. She's weather related, but she's a delight, not a job ;) no, the bear is that 'today'. You're in past tense in the narrative mode. You can't jump into her head and share 'today' with her unless you said , "today, she thought" and went from there- notin' that 'thought' is still past tense and allows the thing she's thinkin' to be present tense. That's a lil' highfalutin' so I simply made it 'this time'.

Then as a final cap-off, th' way you missed 'Usually, she would have been' sets up another gotcha- 'she would be X, but she spent it Y' works a lil' bit, but going more past tense into 'she would have been' causes that to break, makin' it 'she would have been X, but she was spending it Y'. Spent is more past-oriented, like 'she had spent', and if you have it 'she would have been, but this time' you're now talkin' about a lil' picture of what's bein' done instead, and use 'this time, she was simply spending it cloudwatching'. The verb is 'was', and 'simply spending it cloudwatching' is the description of what she was, that time.

Sugarcube, I've said in th' first thread of this nature that I would not do line editin'. I seem to have derped that while relaxin' the defensiveness, and you've demanded attention to grammar and punctuation. I reckon I've shed some light on how grammar and punctuation works, but look at how long it took me to git ONE PARAGRAPH done. I ain't goin' farther. Get your mane more presentable on account of I ain't doin' line editing for ponies 'less it's for lots of money, because me doin' it for you is not going to help. Pay attention to the stuff I taught you here and look over the rest of th' stories yourself. WIth a bit of work you should be able to straighten out some of th' tenses stuff, and then you can come back and ask for a look at just the general feel of things, an' the characterization, which is more what the IC thread is about anyhoof!

How do you feel about post-publication reviews? I've gotten precious little criticism about my finished product, yet I'm hardly vain enough to think it's perfect. In particular, I worry about my characterization, as that's been a recurring weakness of mine, but it's hard to tell whether I'm being paranoid or whether my feelings are justified. You seem like the specialist for what's IC, so if you're interested, here we go!

Title: For Those We Left Behind

Brief: When her mother passes away unexpectedly, Twilight Sparkle reflects on a parent she neglected in pursuit of her own dreams. With only a little time left before the funeral, she returns home to piece together what she can of a life she barely remembers, hoping to make peace with the memories of a pony she took for granted.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15062/For-Those-We-Left-Behind

>>91795
I reckon your paranoia is why this is as good as it is... the reason you're not getting criticism is two things.

One, it's darn good. You really know what you're doin', and it shows.

The other reason is that it's on a theme that's beyond criticism for most folks, and you aren't doin' anything especially darin' with it. I believe your assumptions are very safe to make- there's nothing that rings false there. An' what do you ask of your reader? Nothin'. Only to sympathize with a very nice but over-studious unicorn who don't know her own family. You are not askin' readers to change, or to learn a thing, or even to draw a conclusion- just to feel sympathetic.

I see parallels with My Little Dashie- which from me that ain't entirely a compliment but I don't mean it as a slam. If anything, I think your story has more right to that spirit than MLD does, because you're tellin' a story without answers or conclusions, with no decisions that can be made, a helpless story where the answer is just to sit with it. It ain't wrong to persuade the reader to just sit and feel, in that case.

This is a mighty fine work that feels very deeply and concludes very little. Shows you can write your tail off, and that you've got a fine sense of control about it. Whether you write other stories that feel more passionately about things, is up to you, but this one came off mighty fine, mighty fine indeed. Be proud of your good taste- and be willin' to be a mite more daring when you write on other subjects, because this amount of restraint wouldn't suit every story. Not hardly!

>>91795
Yes. That's me.
I am SO calling my Mom tonight. It's going to come as quite a surprise. I'll tell her somebody I know's mom died and it made me want to check in...

>>91830
>>91831

Thank you very much for your time and thoughts : ) I'll keep my paranoia in mind, but try not to let it overwhelm me in future works.

Line editing tech talk + dialect = Color me impressed

A two-headed question (two reasons for same question):

1) This is more abstract than the Chicago Manual and less than Elements of Style. Is there a good reference for rules at the level of:

- no "today" in past narration

- "verb, verbing" requires that the actions be simultaneous
>I watched the cars go by, wondering where everyone was going.
- not sequential
>* Turning the knob, I opened the door.

I've been picking them up one at a time as people mention them (and deciding whether or not to follow, of course).

2) I come from northern New England, and
>Usually, she'd be napping, flying, showing off, or weather related jobs, but today, she simply spent it cloud watching.
only needs to be
>Usually, she'd be napping, flying, showing off, or doing weather related jobs, but today, she simply spent it cloud watching.

In fact, "she'd have been" sounds highbrow at best, and confusing at worst, since "has / had done X" always implies a completed X when we say it.

I'm proud of my dialect (ayeh!), but where can I learn the standard "narrative dialect?" It's not from around hea, nossah.

>>91885
That's actually a participle, the whole -ing thing. A participle is not an action per se unless you add an auxiliary verb because if you don't you are making it an adjective (you can also make it a noun, but that's gerund...) so it makes any verbing without an axuiliary verb describe the quality of something rather than the action of something.

It's also a bit more complicated than that, but I'm just regurgitating the explanation I read somewhere here, think the samurai thread?

>>91885
You do have a point on the 'she'd have been', I had doubts on that but went with it anyway. The important part was the tenses an' some of the other stuff...

Hello.

I would like to thank you in advance for considering my proposal.

Let me get down to this. I've got this fic I'm writing, which shouldn't be a surprise, considering the board I'm posting on.

I have been working on this fic since September of last year, and have tried to submit it to Equestria Daily.

They shot back that while the premise was sound enough and the spelling was fine, I had punctuation issues. I had assumed my naturally neurotic nature as regards spelling would suffice as a proof-reader, but it seems I am mistaken.

My real problem is that a lot of the things that would count against me on a formatting front don't even register when I read something myself. Thus, I need someone else's help to do this. I appreciate the efforts of anypony who's willing to help.

The link is here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/872/The-Dragon-Master

The errors are primarily to do with Chapter one, but there's no reason to believe that they won't exist anywhere else.

Thanks again
Cantus

>>91913
Honey, almost every sentence you write in the beginnin' goes like- this, comma, that, period.

Also, you got a funny quirk I've never seen where you put the period, in dialogue, OUTSIDE the punctuation mark- like "I don't know why you would even do this". It goes inside the quotes, and that's gonna be a big deal to a prereader.

I've long been stuck with a bad habit where I use a period in sentences like this- "I dunno," she said. The end period works for the whole thing, so you use a comma and I keep using a period by mistake. I see you not usin' ANYTHING which is another screw-up- you put in a comma there, inside the quotes.

That should be enough to go on with!

>>91913
And you can't trust them on spellin' perfectly- there's at least one 'wierd' in there that's s'posed to be 'weird'!

>>91914
Er. This...provides some problems for me.

I've grown up thinking that a full stop, or period as you know it in America, MUST go at the end of the sentence. Always.

It just feels fundamentally wrong to place the full stop INside the brackets. I appreciate your efforts, and I don't want to sound like an unappreciative fool, but I don't know how much I can do about this.

II just wanted to tell you that, so that you know what you're dealing with.

>>92091
Sugar, read any published book in any English-speakin' country. It's okay with me if you struggle with it- I struggle with my puttin' in a period after a short sentence followed by 'said' with its own period. I'm sure I'll go back and find I did it again after my current fic chapter.

But I WILL go back and fix it, because I'm instinctively doin' something less jarringly wrong, but still wrong.

Good luck, and I guarantee this is one of the things trippin' up the prereaders. Yours has the decency of bein' a simpler search and replace, anyhow. It's replacing ". space with ." space. My glitch has to also cover ellipsis and the presence of a verb after the ." which makes it a more laborious after-the-fact fix...

>>92091
>sorry to barge in

>I've grown up thinking that a full stop, or period as you know it in America, MUST go at the end of the sentence. Always.
Sometimes an entire sentence can be inside quotation marks. So it can end on a full stop and then be inside some quotes. Try thinking of it that way.

Keep in mind that while it's American style to pretty much always place quotation marks after other punctuation, many international writers like to arrange this placement according to sense. So for example:

>"Today is a nice day."
Here an entire sentence is being quoted, punctuation and all.

>I don't know anypony called "Ditzy Doo".
Here only the words "Ditzy Doo" are being quoted, so we leave any ending punctuation in the original sentence rather than incorporating it into the quote.

>It just feels fundamentally wrong to place the full stop INside the brackets.
You must have had some frightening English teachers... who also apparently taught you the wrong things.

Here's a Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quotation_mark

>>92097
Absolutely! You raised a really good point about quoting "Ditzy Doo". In that sort of sentence the quoted thing acts like a sort of word or object rather than a sentence on its own, like the word "trees" or "Fluttershy" but not like "Fluttershy is a tree." which acts like its own sentence.

Ain't English grand? More words than practically any other language!

>>92094
Thank the lot of you.
I believe that yes, I do get confused between the placement of full-stops when it's an object as a quote. I guess I just sort of absorbed "this is how that kind of quoting works" and assumed "well, that's that covered."

That sort of thing happens a lot. Also, most of my writing comes naturally, so my style owes almost nothing to my teachers.

>>92101
It ain't a style, sugarcube. It ain't a style unless it's consistent, even if it's consistently derped. I did not get that sense of control so it didn't read as intentionally derped.

Don't let yourself be confused and don't assume. Write intentionally even if you're going to ignore what we say. Then it can be a style. The one thing you cannot have is confusion.

Uh, I don't know now. I was sent by EQD to get my fic reviewed (brutally and honestly) http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/ but now it said not to and I got "redirected" here. I hope you can help :)

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FKFq9kcHfWRyD0ocM-2Gx6O5Vjxiqo-f53Y-UDlpwZw/edit

It's mainly about an adventure Rainbow Dash has.

I hope it's not a breach of etiquette to solicit reviews for a story currently in the EqD pre-reader queue, but I've only just discovered your thread, the style and excellence of which leave me very eager for your response.

I'm at work on the second half even now, and slightly stalled on it, so commentary on the part already published would be a welcome burst of fresh brain-food.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/16004/1/My-Little-Pony%27s-Little-Ponies/Salon-of-Doom%21

>>92566
I will try! *chuckle* I see I'm th' first, alphabetically.
*read*
Oh, honey. This here is mighty ungraceful. Whole buncha sentences where ya left off the period at the end...
And Celestia's telling Dashie to deliver a package to "the catlike Amur Al'lad"? Not too graceful, tryin' to sneak in that information in the middle of Celestia tellin' her.
An' then, when she finds one of 'em, that's literally what they're called, th' Catlike, on account of they are like cats?
An' suddenly, it's Cupcakes, except it was a dream, except suddenly she's th' captive of a dwarf, except I ain't sure if it's still a dream?
Alright, ya blew it with Evil Celestia. This one ain't for us.
Here's what ya gotta do- go read it over and fix th' obvious punctuation derps, take out some of them dreams that just make it pointless an' confusin', and then go find more grammar-based reviewers, okay? We deal with fics that have that stuff already fixed, here. This is for the writers who can remember to put a period in, who are worried about their mane cast ponies bein' in character. What you done with Celestia is so out of character that it don't make no sense for us here, and Rainbow could be any pony the way you got her. Work on the basics.

>>92584
My! I didn't realise we were going to review horror stories! Kidding, I'm kidding- I think!

*read* *FACEHOOF* a frayed knot?

I don't know who you are, but this is charming. I don't like present tense when past would work, but it doesn't feel like it confuses you so I'll allow it this time... and the ill-fated gingerbread Sugarcube Corner tickles the heck out of me!
I do have to say, I've never thought of my magic as my 'hornlight', that was strangely put.

Is it an intentional joke that you won't name Lyra? I wouldn't put it past you.

Gosh. This is adorable! I particularly like the way your sections in purple are main cast ponies AS PLAYED by Twilight and Pinkie being silly. That comes through surprisingly well.

The one thing I would point out is that I have no idea where this is going, outside of more playing- unless Pinkie is going to smooch me after softening me up with a bunch of playing-with-dolls. If she did, I'm really not sure how I'd react, because my underlying concern about the essay is completely unaltered, and she's appeasing me by playing it off as silliness. That will be tricky. And if you're not setting that up, then I've got no idea what you are setting up, so that's what I'd single out as a weakness: your lack of clear direction. Yet it's so charming, I hardly like to complain about that. It could be just a story of silly playing and end with me returning to my work feeling better, and I'd be satisfied.

Also, though you are playing with tricky things like 'play' mode in a separate color, it's not quite effortless- I am still feeling the strain of 'let's try this, now this, now let's cut to Applejack seeming to pick up on the vibes from across town'. Your next job is to keep the charm of it, and restrain some of your eagerness to do writer stunts. Remember to be simple as well as clever, since you've got clever under control.

Thank you for writing something warm and charming! That will always please us in the House of IC Love. Anypony who's having difficulty remembering what that is, you should go back to watch some Season One episodes and it'll remind you...

im working on a fanfic here is a little bit of it
also, i dont know if you also wanna review this second one 2. just go all the way through it's less scary than the original

>>92624
Ain't readin' nopony who posts like that. Skedaddle outta here less'n you can write "I'm", and end yer sentences with punctuation. Hyah! *flaps rope at stray pony* shoo!

>>92614
Thanks very much for your response! I'm going to ramble some in reply, please do feel free to ignore it.

> lack of clear direction
I think you've nailed down the problem I've been having with the second half -- there *is* an intended ending, which was part of the initial inspiration, but now I see that nothing in the first half really points toward it. The way the outline stands now, the first half ambles along to the midpoint, after which the plot starts actually heading toward the conclusion. It's not a twist ending, there's no sudden swerve in tone, but the intended climax does involve an unexpected event, and some sort of foreshadowing near the beginning would make for a more harmonious story (there's a *teeny* bit of hinting, but I don't think it counts as foreshadowing if the only place it's really visible from is inside my own head).

Now that you've clarified the issue, though, I think I have the germ of a plan for making it work with the first part as is (barring any revisions the EqD readers might call for)...it might need to be in three parts instead of two, but that seems relatively painless.

> *read* *FACEHOOF* a frayed knot?
Terrible old joke, I know, but Spike and Pinkie insisted.

> I don't like present tense when past would work, but it doesn't feel like it confuses you so I'll allow it this time...
This honestly is the aspect I'm least confident about, but when I write I just keep slipping into it and it really does seem to be part of my natural narrative voice, whether I like it or not. I suspect it's because I write a lot of instructional or informational text professionally, and my recreational writing is almost entirely either scripts, chat posts, or game rules.

> I don't know who you are, but this is charming.
Nobody knows me, baby, I'm the wind. Er no but really, I'm just me -- an illustrator/web designer/copywriter from Austin, TX, who got drawn into Ponies about a year ago and frequently roleplays as a unicorn called Boo. This is the first MLP fic I've written, but far from my first writing. It's a pleasure to meet you.

> I do have to say, I've never thought of my magic as my 'hornlight', that was strangely put.
I use 'hornlight' or 'hornglow' often in RP's, and I don't *think* I coined that, but I know it's not in common use. Is it intrusive, do you think?

> Is it an intentional joke that you won't name Lyra? I wouldn't put it past you.
It's perhaps a bit to dry to really be a joke, but it is deliberate; what I was aiming for was the written equivalent of an animator slipping the Lyra model into the scene as the random doll Pinkie picks up. Come to think of it, it might have been funnier with a grey, blonde-maned pegasus instead, but that seems like the kind of clever you're warning me about. I'm tickled pink to have put *something* of myself out there clear enough to give you an idea of what not to put past me. :D

> Remember to be simple as well as clever, since you've got clever under control.
I shall take it to heart. I certainly need more work on the direct, emotional side of writing than on the game-playing, intellectual side.

> Thank you for writing something warm and charming!
And thank *you*, again, for help, encouragement, and may I say *flawless* character voice!

Not a review request, just curiosity: what's your Twilight think of Twilestia shipping?

>>93008
Depends completely on how it's done, I'd say. Serious, it's a study in power dynamics and nobility- VERY tough for ponies to carry off from what I've seen (which doesn't include some of the most notable Twilestias!). Done less seriously, it's a Molestia farce!

It's like anything- it totally depends on who's doing it and how they tackle it! I can't possibly have an opinion on just the overall category, because such things mean nothing. I promise, they mean nothing. You can do ANYTHING with the right angle and a fearless attitude, the worst that will happen is you'll get confusion and dropped jaws, if your topic is too strange.

Believe me, we in Applejinx land know THAT!

>>93018
Oh, I'm firmly in the "Execution is everything" camp myself. It's just, from the way she freaks out at the thought of disappointing the Princess, to how her idea of the best night ever is to spend it alone with Celestia, I have trouble seeing Twilight not being attracted to Celestia. A deep-seated attraction that she's not entirely comfortable with... I mean, I can understand more mother/daughter or mentor/student interpretations, but that's always whispering at the back of my skull.

Anyway. Just curiosity as to your headcanon.

>>93041
If I have the cojones and the time to follow up Trixie's Magic Bit with a sequel, you'll find that out when Princess Celestia learns more about Trixie. Which is kind of to say that Twixie and Twilestia don't really exist in the same universe very well, because Celestia is WAY more useful as 'disapproving family' for Twi to rebel against, than as a competing love interest... but that's headcanon, it's not in any way a judgement on fics designed to be Twilestia from the git-go.

>>91790
I apologize for demanding what I did but I really essentially picked out a list of reviewers and said "This one" in terms of, well, trying to get a review and my only excuse is I'm new and I was confused a bit since I've never used boards like this. But enough excusing myself.

I'm working on fixing the tensing which I'm able to see much better lately mostly because I'm in the middle of huge Literacy Test Prep classes and being enlightened to tenses.

If I wish to repost my fic, would I have to do another description of my own fanfic or just repost the link with the edited fic?

If I do repost it, please note that after that, I really do want to know how my characterization is since I have been told I'm good with but I only have a limited set of readers.

Please reply, Mr. Masato/Arby Works.

Hey Applejinx! I've been watching this thread for ages with the desire of eventually posting something for review, and now I've finally written a story with one of the mane six in a central role that I don't want to throw in a volcano.

I guess I'd like some advice on writing Rainbow Dash and any thoughts you have on my portrayal of her. Mane six characterisation has always made me a little nervous.

I Dream of Daisies
[Sci-Fi]
"Rainbow Dash has been having a recurring nightmare for months and lack of sleep is ruining her flying sessions. At wits' end, she seeks help from a mysterious mare with a mysterious job – Daisy Dreams, Subconscious Investigator."

Doc link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QJhBu1SVrJUOfwgNAEx-XS4Sr9AN64cTujRKqUgFpIo/edit

Thanks!

>>93154
Y'all need to be enlightened to tenses before comin' back. Seein' as you have a clear path to improvin' and all. I don't care about your characterisation if the writing derps too hard and is distractin'.

>>93156
You gotta take a lil' more trouble over your re-readin'- you got Rainbow sayin' "I've heard she know all about dreams" and it would clearly be 'knows'. But so far, so good.

Gosh. You sure tapped into the grandiose, overdramatic spirit of Dashie! Does it go on, or was that it? I can tell you're tryin' for big big effects but your focus is on th' wrong things to really deliver big feelings.

Since we can't tell what Dashie's up to, it comes as a surprise and we don't get to sit with her feelings about sabotaging competitors. It's not really ABOUT Dash, it's just believable that Dash would have that sort of nightmare. There's a lot right here, it just don't deliver on the emotional stuff because we're sitting with a pony mind that doesn't get upset, so we don't get upset either. It's like a detective story where we don't know what happened and get told afterwards...

I would say interestin' and promisin' and showing a understanding of our Dashie, just maybe not the story you THUNK you were writin'. If it's a puzzle story you have to give puzzle pieces, and if it's a upset pony story you have to give in to the upset, rather than remainin' above it in the viewpoint of your dream-raidin' pony. But the audacity of the ideas you're tryin' bodes well for your future stuff! And it's already enough to interest and amuse folks.

Hello Applejinx, short time reader first time poster here.

I have a fic that I actually posted in TTG already, and it hasn't been reviewed yet -- not that I expect it to be reviewed quickly! However, what I'm primarily concerned with is characterization and staying true to the spirit of the show, so I figured it couldn't hurt to get your opinion on what I have so far. I'd also like some advice on how to handle 'crowd' scenes -- there's a couple places where I have a large number of main characters hanging out, and I'm unsure how much time to spend focusing on them at any given moment.

Ponyville Eleven
[Normal][Crossover-ish]

Synopsis: Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle is put in charge of the newest expansion team to Equestria's one and only professional soccer league. The fact that nopony in town has any real idea what it takes to be a professional soccer player is only a speed bump along the road to the prestigious Equestrian Soccer Association Championship. It's time to take to the pitch, and play soccer with friends!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iGmskrsvWnyN0eACMHA-cd1YWHENMgTSEvJS1hPUeWk/edit

>>93175
Whoa- be sure you're not writin' an RPG manual, sugar. Your reference book's name "More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Sports In Equestria" is a dead giveaway that you stuck it in there just because you could...

>Applejack was in the tail end of a short
blue pegasus?
>applebuck session
Drat! Well, work's never done, is it?

>Watch out below!
Watch out for replaying entire sequences from th' show- I ain't givin' you a bit of credit for a Dashie scene lifted directly from MLP episodes, word for word. I realize it's a soccer ball instead of herself, but still! You've got way too much of Dashie's words and actions lifted directly from the show.

Not really a great idea throwing in big font sizes just for another meme directly from th' show, and one even the show tries to avoid nowadays...

Sugar, you are drivin' me CRAZY with the grand theft pony here. It's like in your crowd scene it's goin'
>insert name of pony
was
>insert most obvious thing for that pony to be doin', if possible usin' a recognizable meme or line of dialogue from the actual show
>on to next pony!
You would honestly be better off lettin' them be out of character. It's like you're too skeert to be called OOC so they're goin' through th' motions. Pick things they ain't been seen doing, and things they ain't said, because the secret isn't to weld it that tightly to what's been seen- it is to come up with stuff where folks say "yep, that would just figure".

You're not true to the spirit of the show because the show doesn't stay stuck on its own memes and tends to avoid the most obvious recycling. That's on purpose, and it means you can't recycle stuff either. If you keep at it, you might find your ability growing- to come up with events and dialogue that still seems IC even though you can't prove it.

But you need to NOT be able to prove it. Anytime you can say "this is IC because she said exactly this in a different context!", that's where you turn around and say somethin' else. Be brave. Ain't nobody gonna eat you :)

>>93180

Thanks for the critique.
>sports in Equestria
Haha, yeah...I kept trying to justify to myself how rules would have to be changed to account for ponies playing soccer, especially unicorns and pegasi, and got overly concerned with the audience picking it apart. On reflection it breaks the flow of the story and is unnecessary at that point. I can distribute that information in the next chapter, while the team learns soccer fundamentals, and kill two birds with one stone.

>Ripped scene
Actually, the Dash scene is one I wrote without reference, then when I was rewatching an episode a few days later I kicked myself in the head for directly ripping it.

The biggest scenes I was never really happy with were the CMC intro (I took the easy way out for getting them involved, I'll be honest.) and, as mentioned, the crowd scene -- I think at that point I was just looking to wrap up the chapter quickly, and let myself slip.

Thanks a lot for the comments, I'll see what I can do to tweak things up. I have a lot of confidence in my ability to write, but not a lot in my ability to write for established characters, so I think I've hobbled myself there. I'll try to be more bold.

>>93173
>You gotta take a lil' more trouble over your re-readin'- you got Rainbow sayin' "I've heard she know all about dreams" and it would clearly be 'knows'.
How embarrassing!

Thanks for the review; it's given me some things to think about. I'm partial to the idea of writing more of the story from Dash's perspective and I'm increasingly seeing that there's a gap between how I planned to show Daisy and how I actually ended up showing her – she's supposed to be restrained and uninvolved, but reluctantly so. I don't think I've hinted at that nearly enough.

Anyway, I'll be giving some more thought to this story's execution and your review of it. Out of interest, I'm tentatively planning to write more Daisy Dreams stories, perhaps about one or two other mane characters.

Thanks again.

After receiving heaps of helpful criticism from an eqd pre-reader, I need some help to get my story reviewed. If you would take any amount of time to help a writer out, take a look.
tags: Normal, Comedy
description: After a mishap with Twilight's magic, Rainbow Dash finds herself split into seven different ponies. It is a very fun, normal story.

link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wupf_5GczAW6t1W9P1FqHB7nIReZI6ynMRRPRf1EsRk/edit

>>93510
Ain't got permission to read it, so it'll have to wait 'till tomorrow :) then you can fix the access thing!

Applejinx, I have a question about playing AJ out in weirdo alternate universes. I'm writing such an AJ myself, and I just got done reviewing someone else's.

Both of our universes are science fiction-- his much farther and more advanced than mine-- and both of us have cast AJ as a stoic tough-girl with a heart of gold. She is serious, driven, and independent, qualities which sometimes threaten to overwrite the warm nature we see when she first meets Twilight.

I see a little-- just a little of this in your own use of AJ. How well would it work for you to see AJ being stony-faced and all business? I feel like both I and the other writer I helped out are playing too much off AJ's role as a workhorse, a businesspony, and a self-defined mare, and not acknowledging her personality.

>>93570
Must not stare at Applejack's beautiful, supple rear...

>>93658
Oddly enough I'm finishin' up a chapter on The Old Castle where it's become apparent that my AJ in THAT one is just that sort. Grim, over-tough... that fic didn't find the fans I'd hoped, but it's the one where I wrote AJ as the Man With No Name out of spaghetti westerns. In the first chapter she dies heroically and gets brought back, and in the second she breaks her legs and has 'em set without anesthesia (intense but not what ANY reader was expecting!). Still the only thing I've ever run on EqD.

What I'm seein' is that to do the less likeable, meaner Applejack, you have to lean on that fear from The Last Roundup. To be warm you have to be open, and AJ is capable of being too threatened to be open.

Prob'ly why it's taking so long to finish up that one (not that it will end up being a book length anyhoof) because it's not fun writing from that space- but it is indeed possible to write a grimmer, meaner Applejack. You just have to make her more frightened and defensive and she'll set her jaw and surprise the heck out of you with how tough she'll be. The challenge then becomes showing people that heart of gold- because you'll lose that, because the last thing she'll do is show it.

Pic related to AJ being too tough to be open-hearted...

>>93671
...less'n you write a FIC about it and bring it here for re-view!

Maybe it's because of the fact that of all the characters, AJ is the closest to a working stiff. She has a position of responsibility and it's canon that she quite regularly works her ass off and is proud of it.

We can clearly imagine her switching from her sweet canon personality to a jaded adult who's used to grinding through long hours of hard work.

>>93678
You can work real hard and still be sweet and open, there's NO correlation between that and bein' "stony-faced and all business". What you're talking about is being more closed-down and defensive, and that's through fear, and Applejack DOES know fear. Not fear of any physical thread, fear of being unworthy. Use that.

>>93681

I definitely see where you're coming from as far as The Last Round-Up.

It may well be that I'm just too eager to characterize AJ as responding to rough times with stony resolve, which isn't necessarily correct in your view. This isn't an adrenaline-pumping situation we're looking at, it's her everyday grind.

I'm beginning to see a way to work "iron bitch" AJ following your rules, though-- pressure to perform just like in the episode. She has made sacrifices and she's had to deal with a lot to get where she is, so she sees herself as fighting to make it all worth it, allowing herself very little space to breathe.

Playing your rules makes me feel bad-- like I've created a "broken" Applejack similar to some kind of contrived sadfic about Pinkie Pie. I am trying to see her as humorless but not closed-off or unhappy. Just going on her stubborn way proving to the world that can take whatever it can throw.

>>93685
Yep, go watch Sisterhooves Social and then tell me normal Applejack is stony-hearted. Simply goin' with uptight badass-jack IS breaking her, and like I said I've fallen into that error myself (and need to remedy it). Stony resolve is always correct for Applejack but it's not so much true to her nature to get cranky and humorless- on the one hoof you have the Sisterhooves AJ who is beloved and warm and positively Mary-Sue about it, and on the other you've got Applebuck Season where she ends up losing all that humor because she's overstressed. It's a balancing act and you have to cover multiple bases with it...

>>93688

*grumbles something about the chapter's already finished, dammit*

I did a lot to make the AJ-analogue character open even if she's not warm.

A few reviewers liked this character even if not all of them recognized her as AJ-- I've given her a strong set of attributes, she's what I think is a "good" character, but at the same time this conversation has opened me to the possibility that I'm screwing canon.

Hell, I've always got the excuse that she's different or that her experiences have changed her, but fuck that-- "different, yet the same" is the whole idea, and if I've failed at that...

>>93690
Well, I ain't even seen this fic so how could I say you failed? Slow down, ya renegade Dashie, don't panic. I'm just doing what you asked- saying what the issues are around writing Applejack overly badass. Having done it myself I can tell you that folks don't mind, but they'll turn around and think YOU don't like AJ if you do that...

>>93696

I know I executed this character well. I'm only concerned that I did it without taking a hard enough look at canon AJ, Also, it is hard for me to explain how happy I am being designated a 'renegade Dashie.'

I feel like I've handed you this once before, but it has gone through some intense editing so perhaps it'll still be almost sorta fresh to your eyes.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11808/The-6th-Age%3A-Shadows-of-Equestria

>>93724
Aw, you din't tell me that this is NOT actually Applejack, but an OC designed to have many similar qualities. You can do as you like with her- but I will say, she seems likeable. Hang onto that, since you want it. I don't think you need to make her hug anypony or nothin'... you should be good.

>>93727

She's the element of honesty, and i'd been tossing ideas for how the m6 might actually be alive or reborn here, but I'm close to tossing that concept.

I'm much less worried about writing other pony analogues with the exception of Flutters who I really don't feel. How was my Twilight-analogy, then? My prologue OC?

Well, you've already done a lot for me. I enjoy talking to you about this stuff- it's clear that you've earned your acclaim. Really, thanks for your time and attention.

>>93734
Oh, now. Ain't no ACCLAIM. It's strictly "so have you written that chapter of The Old Castle yet? so did you start the Trixie sequel?" If I just stop, no ripple will be made.

It's honestly more meaningful in some ways to be able to run a crit thread and help guide other writers. Which is not to say I'll quit writing- just that I get as much out of this, because I am hardwired to forget and ignore 'acclaim'. I literally copy down some stuff people say and save it. There will be times I'll need to look at it again...

As for the Twi-analog, I didn't spot her, but you realize I'm not supposed to- I wouldn't have spotted the AJ without you telling me to look for that. Don't let it worry you. That parallel is largely to guide you, but filtered through you it comes out somewhat different- even when you give 'em the canon names and write 'em directly.

Sadly, no rhyming in this one either, but meh. T

Name: The Trinity Poem
2. Bearycool
3. [poetry](I consider that random). [adventure] [tragedy]

4. Before the battle with Discord, three discourses between the three immortals were made in secrecy. An unknown poet was granted a vision to reiterate the words of the discourses in a poetic stance. In each discourse lies the prophecies of future events in Equestria, the madness of Discord, and the subtle clues of Nightmare Moon coming into the world.

5. Google docs link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14cn7nkNGhNLT0hQo5FcpUgUlSoiLKTuuwpoxNG2ojK0/edit

Fimfiction link:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/17831/The-Trinity-Poem-

6. All of it, which is only about 2.9K words worth of reading (after all, it is only a poem: a long poem, sure, but a poem).

Background Stuff for the Reviewer:
1. It's a poem, and it's about 2.8K in length.
2. American English. (Because I hate s's and I love z's.)
3. Meter of the poem changes from a pentameter, to somewhat structure meters, to free verse depending on who is speaking. I.E. if Discord is speaking, everything is going to look chaotic and if Celestia or Luna are speaking then it's more structured.
4. Enjoy.

>>94736
I'mma jes' pretend it is flat out free verse on account of you got no idea where word stresses go anyhoof...

As such it reads interestin'- even though you think you're doin' formal meters and you ain't, it IS still a kind of poetic 'voice', no mistakin' it for traditional literature. It's saga-like.

There's a LIL too much 20th century turns o' speech in there. And *snrk* Lunacord shippin'? I believe that is not actually so out of line for the style you're doin' but you got to pick between that earthy stuff and the 'holy'- or maybe not, maybe you're fixin' to be Dante, an' cover the whole range.

Your Discord ain't canon because he's more motivated by desire to be evil, rather than bein' the petulant child he is- but it works for your poem.

Oh, and also- you do realize this stuff would be great to read out loud, right? You need to find a tame voice actor (or become one) and ham up some performances of this for YouTube, might do real good for you. I see big scenery-chewin', overdramatic readings in your future. It won't have a rhythm to it like Shakespeare but it'll have the bigness and the theatricalness to it, and I can tell right away it would be FUN to read..

Title: PLADES (aka Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords)
Tags: [Comedy]
Length: 5000 words

Teehee, I'll just repost this here. A polished up version of the /fic/ write-off entry.

Synopsis: Pinkie is convinced her party is losing their legendary status. To this end, she will search to the ends of Equestria for the legendary artefact that will be sure to guarantee her place as the one and only party pony.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1caTRqVZ0162oUGlOkIXHdnSnQTuJCrH-k9gjyCxdO1Q/edit

So, a review, pretty please? Filler has already pointed out some of mechanical errors, but any errors you might see later is solely my fault.

Main concerns:
- Plot feels forced.
- Pinkie might come off as that annoying kid who somehow got her way.

>>94794
You need to get out more!

And if you're going to write a story about crazy Twilight you should call it 'Crazy Twilight dresses up as Pinkie and pretends to be Indiana Jones'! I would like totally read that!

>>94794
Uhhh... I think what Pinkie's telling you is, that's not her there. Which it ain't- you done totally missed her generosity, she's better than that. And she's really one of the most clued-in of us, she's jes'... special about how she expresses it, which is to say usually she can't explain things too good.

Dang if I can figure out why th' Cakes have the real special sword of whatever, or why Pinkie's cluelessly stole a prop sword unless it's to make her look stupid, which she ain't. I guess I just got a bad feelin' about any fic that sets out to make Pinkie look stupid and disliked. What's goin' on with that, sugar? Figure she should be taught a lesson? One thing about Pinkie, though, is that she'll shrug that off more easily than, say, Dash. Oh, my goodness, Dash... Pinkie will just write you off as an idiot and be nice to you anyway.

I reckon you ain't done the best Pinkie ever, if you have to ask if she is too much like a selfish brat. Annoyin' is different. Pinkie's well illustrated in Luna Eclipsed, where she's super annoying and difficult and turns out to firmly understand the underlyin' truth of everything but is hamming it up because she assumes everypony ELSE is up to speed too...

>>94920
>>94921
Duly noted. Which is why I am sending this in for review, no? Heh heh.

I had this feeling I was portraying Pinkie as being overly hyper and insensitive, so to speak. Looks like my fears are true. Ah well, it wasn't my intention to portray her to be disliked, merely amusing to watch. I apologise if it came out that way. (Which in hindsight, it does.)

Time for to plot a rewrite if feasible, though I think I might just drop it off in FimFiction as a failed writing project instead.

>>94922
May I cut in?

First thing, Pinkie music.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bG-MAvqTJQ

Don't give up yet.

Pinkie goes on a quest for an epic artifact of party? Good!
Pinkie in a party funk? Good!
Jumping in a character's head to reveal that she's manipulating Pinkie? Uhh, not sure if want. It kinda short-circuits my speculation, but that's an easy fix.

Most of the story is okay. The problem is motivating it.

>I will get that sword, if it’s the last thing I do! Nopony will be better at parties than I am!

That's not Pinkie, or even Twilight.* Nope, you're right in Trixie-land, or Applejack, or maybe Dash if she gets confused enough.** Like the song says, Pinkie really wants to make ponies smile, and it's not for some ulterior motive of proving her self-worth or whatever. Twilight and Fluttershy really are similarly pure-hearted. Dash, too, when she remembers to be.***

Pinkie has great faith in the power of a good party. But, at the same time, she is a master of adapting and thinking "inside the chimney." Parties aren't working? She's gonna try something else. (Pranks? Stand up comedy? Reading their secret journals to orchestrate elaborate set-ups to force them to confront their inner demons, all filmed live a la Jerry Springer?) Except, maybe she gets so caught up in thinking up ideas herself that she doesn't slow down enough to hear what her friends are saying. And there's your aesop.

So, instead of having one crazy sidequest that's well developed, maybe she should have several ones that don't have to make sense.

*See: "Boast Busters", also "Winter Wrap Up." Stealing the limelight isn't much of a temptation to her. Seeing a non-existent problem, instantly formulating a solution, and executing it with the same gleeful disregard to reality as a charging bull (with! a! checklist!)? Oh hell, yes. The way Sword!Pinkie instantly latches on to a plan and sticks to it is very Twilightish; Pinkie should charge in, but rewrite the plan every step of the way.

**If there were a magic artifact that makes Dash fly well enough to get into the Wonderbolts without trying, would she want it? Or would it make her feel obsolete? Imagine something similar for Applejack, that would ensure that the ponies she loves are always taken care of, even if she's gone. Would she want that? That's what I mean: Dash has to be confused about what she wants before she starts "cheating" like that, where AJ and Trixie are more likely to be satisfied by results.

***I like to think that growing up in a very competitive climate has taught her to place value on "winning" when her true heart's desire is more for a Tao-Te-Ching-style effortless mastery.

>>95012
Thanks for the encouragement. But as it is, I need to take a step back and distance myself from the fic for abit.

For one, it shows that I may be misreading Pinkie's character the whole season. (I'll be honest, the veiled insult that I'm a bad person for writing this killed my motivation to ever touch this again.)

For another, your ideas, though great, would require a complete rewrite which I am not quite prepared to do, and would change the character of the fic greatly that it would not resemble the original in any way. In that case, I would better off writing another fic from ground up with the same aesop. (And this time, not tied to the prompt.)

Again, thank you for your kind words. And to you too, AppleJinx, for reading this. I'll be showing myself out of this thread now.

>the veiled insult that I'm a bad person for writing this

I swear I didn't mean to do that. Can you help me understand so I can apologize properly?

>>95043
Ergh. Apologies. It wasn't you. Sincerely, it wasn't you. I meant the review. It was... ugh

Never mind. What the hay am I doing digging a hole for myself?

A thousand apologies to both of ya. I'm not in the best of mood these days.

>>95081
Take it easy, sugar, if you expect yourself to be perfect all th' time you'll never work through ANY mistakes. And there's a difference between bein' a 'bad person' and bein' annoyed by Pinkie. Takes all kinds. In some ways I think Pinkie is one of the very hardest to write for- that should be some consolation!

Just remember you can never skip PAST stuff that doesn't quite work, nor can you go back and un-write it. I have a whole damn NOVEL sitting around- publically, but not poni- which went down a path I no longer appreciate. I might work out how to complete that sometime, but for now it's a dead end and I've got to face that. So don't be too tragic about having written a Pinkie fic that turned out not to be your best thing. Go on and do somethin' else, that's the only answer- if you're a writer.

Since I have no idea how far I can go with bending characterization in shipping, I humbly come to you to ask for your help in that regard. (This is more or less a repost from the TG at >>97878.)

The Sky's the Limit
[Sad][Shipping]
Description (probably tentative): Generic sad TwiDash.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rxfh5ekQN_YoNkOiseOxhpGOtgEfQZJcdXsZSJD2Z-c/edit

Additional tags (probably not tentative): TwiDash, longing, first person, nonlinear narrative

Notes: This has been given a cursory look by RogerDodger, Lightsideluc, CompendiumOfSteve, and Pascoite. It's also currently sitting in the TG queue.

Questions I would like answered:
1. Is this too difficult to follow? The mixing of past and present tense is intentional.
2. If you were reading this casually, at what point(s) would you have Ctrl+W'd out of it, if applicable?
3. Does it drag at any point? Does it feel rushed at any point? Dry, lifeless?
4. What would your opinion of this as a reader be?

>>97879
Huh. Seems like it's a lot of fancy for very little happenin'? I don't mean to say what Rainbow does is very little... I guess what I'm thinkin' is the story goes through loop-de-loops an' flies backwards in order ta go nowhere, with slight melancholy.

Ya got Dashie bein' hurt, and a lot of flight-show stuff, and then it ends with th' precipitating incident- and throughout, it's like th' same tone. I don't get a sense that anythin' changes in Twi other than the surface, I don't get a sense that anythin' in Dashie is threatened other than hurt feelings.

It feels like if you make it a bigger loss then th' backwards an' inside out nature of it would pack more of a punch. Like, if you somehow managed to convey that they were lovers, and during/after the show they're totally not, and the lack of attention is the final clincher proving that to Dash- right now it only seems like they had been warm to each other and they end warm to each other but Dash is bein' moody.

You could give a lil' glimpse of the very end at the beginnin' as a tip-off- or pump it up until it's clear that the two are really together, and explain how this was lost pretty directly- like Dash rationalizing, protesting in her thoughts that she wasn't uncaring, she just had to practice a lot, she didn't mean to flirt around- whatever it takes to show the reader a reason why Twilight would go from being in love to breaking it off and not being in love at all.

I'm sayin' that because the structure is SO complicated that there's gotta be a big reason for Dash to be heartbroken over the events. I feel she's gotta be losin' somethin', not jes' failing to gain somethin'. A lot would change, I guess, but to pull off th' "backwards narrative leading back to a beautiful moment that is bittersweet because it goes unfulfilled" it jes' feels like more must be lost than jes' a chance.

Dashie? Thoughts?

>>97879
I like that it's doing tricks- and it feels like it's me, pretty much- but does it have to be such an un-story? It just makes me feel really cold and bad to have a big complicated story, where I turn the whole sky into a freaking rainbow, and the outcome is supposed to be 'well, that sucked'.

Can I at least have some EPIC SAD? For crying out loud, give me a break! I want oceans of manly tears here if I gotta be in a sadfic! Break my wings or set me on fire or something. Go big!

She's jes' kiddin'!
Don't break her wings! I like them wings! Plus you'll never git on EqD with it if you do that. Mind you, it's a lil' advanced and tricky for manestream audiences. I reckon you'll get a few big fans off it and confuse more ponies than you'd like. It's th' nature of certain kinds of story experiments.

>>97916
>Like, if you somehow managed to convey that they were lovers, and during/after the show they're totally not, and the lack of attention is the final clincher proving that to Dash- right now it only seems like they had been warm to each other and they end warm to each other but Dash is bein' moody. [...] I feel she's gotta be losin' somethin', not jes' failing to gain somethin'. A lot would change, I guess, but to pull off th' "backwards narrative leading back to a beautiful moment that is bittersweet because it goes unfulfilled" it jes' feels like more must be lost than jes' a chance.

They say to write what you know, and I've never known any such loss because I've never had any such thing to lose. Ah, crap. Well, I shall be taking your suggestions of

>if you somehow managed to convey that they were lovers, and during/after the show they're totally not, and the lack of attention is the final clincher proving that to Dash
>You could give a lil' glimpse of the very end at the beginnin' as a tip-off- or pump it up until it's clear that the two are really together, and explain how this was lost pretty directly- like Dash rationalizing, protesting in her thoughts that she wasn't uncaring, she just had to practice a lot, she didn't mean to flirt around- whatever it takes to show the reader a reason why Twilight would go from being in love to breaking it off and not being in love at all.

into consideration.


Many thanks!

>>98087
No no- ya think I know about all th' stuff that goes into my fics? Yeah I've lived a somewhat more colorful life than some, been lively, even been married, but you have the advice wrong and it is important.

If you only write what you know you write stories about writers writin', and such. Here's the secret:

Write what your HEART knows.

Don't be afraid. Better yet, if you got a complicated heart full of self doubt (and look at you there self-doubting, I 'spect you do!) then what your heart knows is conflict- and that is jes' what you need, for a story.

All you got to do is look into what your heart knows about Rainbow tryin' to hang on to Twi (and you're already writing it) and then what Rainbow doesn't see, which is Twi's reasons for turnin' away. If your heart can see both their sides, you'll write somethin' wonderful.

Half of writin' good complicated relationships is lettin' it be plain to all but the ponies concerned where they're missin' each others' points... can't have 'em be idiots, so there's always gotta be immediate reasons why they don't happen to just hug and talk it out in two minutes and be done.

You'll do fine :)

Hi there! I'm really impressed with how you handle "reviewing" whether a character is IC. I'm a bit concerned about it myself (due to this being the first serious, noncomedy fic that I've ever written), and would like to submit this to you in the hopes that I've either gotten something right, or else have something that I definitely need to correct.

Title: Glitched
Tags: SciFi, Dark
Characters: Twilight, Mane Six
Words: 2,182
Synopsis: When Twilight becomes trapped in a time loop on the week of her brother's wedding, she makes up her mind to escape, stop the Changelings, and save the Royal Couple in the process. But this is no ordinary Groundhog Day, and as the Loops go on, her mind and those of her friends will be driven to the brink. After all, when you’re whirling through eternity, one more step might be all that’s needed to fall into the darkness—forever.

It's just the first chapter, but my primary concern is whether or not I'm keeping Twilight's state of mind in response to the "dream" consistent with her reaction to her brother's wedding in canon. If you could help me with that, I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you!
-Golden Vision

>>98585
Oh, gosh. I forgot a link. I KNEW I'd forgotten something:

Here we go: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14EFQ3lHiVB0lkHMYb5_MBLxVLcIIVaJw_Yc0i-AAOpA/edit

>>98588
Hmmm... this is going to be a struggle, partly because I could use a cup of coffee and for some reason the comments are hugely distracting this morning. Maybe it's because the other pony in there is extra snarky, with a stronger personality than the ones in your work? That's making it really tough.

It's really dangerous to grab too much directly from the show. It starts to seem like a puppet fic- spouting lines that we've already seen and heard. That's usually about confidence, and I'm not sure whether it helps you grow toward more original work- does it make you feel like your other thoughts are more show-accurate, or does it just feel like it's a relief to switch over to stuff you know is show-accurate? If it's the latter, watch out, you can't develop that habit.

The tough thing here is that you're trying to establish an unvarying time loop containing all stuff that is from a particular episode, so it almost forces you to fall into pastiche (or indeed outright hgihway robbery). Us ponies are coming off as cliche puppets, which isn't inappropriate for 'stuck in a time loop spouting the same lines over and over', but it puts me off... I'd want to see what happens when they break from that routine. Maybe you should come back when they've jumped out of their time-loop rut and started doing different things? I have nothing to go by, here. If it was a normal fic I'd be distressed by how stuck-in-a-rut it is, but it's a time loop fic so that serves a functional purpose. I think you've asked us too soon.

>>98625
Okay! Thank you anyway—I'll be careful not to shoehorn them as puppets or anything like that. Ninety percent of the fun in Loop fics is seeing what happens when things change. This chapter is mainly to establish that the Loops are happning; I felt this was a good cutting-off point, really. Twilight's not going to change much in the first Loop.

Maybe I'll come back when I have a few more chapters.

Thanks again!
-GV

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22181/Love%27s-Sacrifice

Hey- I posted in your other board and you were very helpful. What do you think of this little scene? Is everyone in-character?

Thanks!

>>98772
Er, wrong picture.

Now I can't find the one I wanted to use.

Oh, well.

>>98772
Aw. It's just a lil' awkward, but that can't be helped, and it's a marvellous lil' picture of an idea. I reckon this fic will do mighty well for that reason!

It's pow'ful hard to speak and think as Princess Celestia. Ain't much would make her sheepish, honey. You're doin' awful well considerin' how tough that is- I reckon the show's own writers would have a hell of a time if they had to write her constantly!

Ain't reasonable that Shining Armor would 'never find out', more that eventually he'd be able to deal with it- that there's a price to things that grow, and Celestia bein' immortal cannot grow, she can only be an anchor for everypony? Jes' a thought.

Ya can't undermine our Princess too much by takin' away her stability. She must surely have reached accomodations with these things over the centuries an' millenia. It CAN'T still hurt, minds don't work that way.

Maybe that's the thing- Princess Cadence wants to truly live and to an alicorn this is a beautiful thing and the profoundest gift you can give? It can't be a tragedy to Princess Celestia, but her own life can't be a tragedy either or she wouldn't have the love she has for her ponies.

It's a puzzler!

>>88548

This is in script form, but I'd still like some feed back. I'll copy from the thread on /chat/. I also put this on another thread here in /fic/ but I'm looking for a lot of feedback.

Title: Canterlot Wedding Ending Rewrite/expansion

Author Name:Jon/jeff_bridges
Tags: Normal
Characters: Everyone from S2E26
Synopsis: An expansion of the original ending
Length:4300 words, 1 chapter

So don't get mad, this was just an idea that I had that I think turned out well. Here's my rewrite/expansion of the ending of Canterlot Wedding, with all respect and love to the crew.

I know it seems bad at the beginning, trust me it gets better. Comments are open, so feel free to be brutal.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GV4fXq7W8rYTsDOkBRQdEaf6BtZw5K1I6-7iNAi_vEM/edit

>>98090
>All you got to do is look into what your heart knows about Rainbow tryin' to hang on to Twi (and you're already writing it) and then what Rainbow doesn't see, which is Twi's reasons for turnin' away. If your heart can see both their sides, you'll write somethin' wonderful.
...Okay, I've been trying to make heads and tails of this for a few days now. May I ask for clarification?

At the moment, instead of ending it on the note that I have now, I'm thinking of having RD give up on chasing Twilight in kind of a "c'est la vie" way. Might I ask for your opinion on that, were I to take that path? (Having them start out as lovers is something I do not think I can do, because I can't imagine it going in any other direction than "Twilight, watch!" --> "Sorry, blinked and missed it." --> "You know what? We're through.")

>>98892
Ya lost me- this should not be in script form. It's all monologue. I don't buy what Luna does, an' it's ridiculous when she's betrayed. This is arbitrary and you ain't even making betrayer/betrayed Luna a proper villain. I'd have thought at least she could be Nightmare Moon and out for herself.

The 'doing terrible things because life is horrible and brings impossible dilemmas' is totally un-pony and then you got the original ending still there to make it look silly. Make up your mind which you're doing: MLP style, or extreme grimdark, because you can't do both at once, you've got to pick one or th' other.

>>99014
It's got to be your heart writin' it- if all you can see is Twilight letting Rainbow down, and then it fizzles and nothing much happens, you need to write it that way. The problem there is that they're giving up and getting nowhere and nothing much happens- the story is about what fails to happen, and such an absence is difficult to hang a story on. This is why I suggested making it about a loss of something that was there.

>>99022

I don't want to be argumentative, I honestly want to know what in your eyes makes this grimdark. I don't feel like I changed the goals or motivations of anyone, just expanded the concept and made it more plausible (to me anyway).

>>98828
She must surely have reached accomodations with these things over the centuries an' millenia. It CAN'T still hurt, minds don't work that way.
-
If I change it to say that the wedding and talk with Twilight just brought it fresh into her mind, not to mention that now she has to watch Twilight age as well, will that be enough?
I'm not really sure how to make that part better.
Have it where she's only the great-great-grandaughter, so it's really only been a hundred years, which doesn't feel too long to Celestia?

I'm writing another story (a sort of history of the alicorns) to try to intwine all of this, but I want to make sure this one can stand alone well enough, like it's supposed to.

Hey, AJ, you seem to have a lot of experience with writing Applejack, so I was wondering what your opinion is on her dialogue in stories (specifically, how to deal with "I"). I'm writing a story that's about to introduce AJ as a major character and I reeeeaaaally like dialogue.

I've noticed a majority of writers seem to favor replacing "I" with "Ah". I also see a lot of words ending in "-ing" just reduced to "-in'". I'm much more in favor of leaving "I" as-is, but I'd like to hear your thoughts on it.

Other questions:
How do you deal with balancing Applejack's 'plain' dialogue with her intelligence? I know she can be flustered by certain complex concepts ("don't you be usin' your fancy mathematics on me!") but I also don't want to her to come across as stupid or simple-minded.
What not-so-obvious quirks do you incorporate into your Applejack dialogue?
Applejack is a pony that is friendly to almost anyone instantly... but what would give her pause? What would make her hesitate to greet somepony else?

>>99085
Well, shucks- there I was starin' at a pack of difficult questions that come back like a bad halfpenny and suddenly here you are, makin' it much easier for me. Brightens my whole day. Happens I'll answer you by answerin' them, and also answerin' you.. or sump'n... well, let's git to it!

If you write the lingo prop'ly folks will HEAR the 'Ah' and you don't gotta cram it in sideways every chance you get. Leave some dialect-y things lay, it's more about th' voice than particular pet dialect tricks. I find I slur words with apostrophes a LOT because Applejack Does Not Enunciate Syllables Primly Like Miss Rarity... pah, I think I hurt myself a lil' there *spit*

Now then. You with th' grimdark, the reason you're grimdark is you couldn't let the show endin' lie, you had to do a thing where Luna betrayed an' sold out everypony. What give you th' idea she would cut such a deal? Din't work now did it? She ain't that stupid and she ain't that evil- uh, I hope. *ulp* At any rate you done her evil jes' to do her evil, she din't even win nothin'. Since there was no point to it, it comes off as pointlessly grimdark.

Now note the way my voice rings out sayin' such things as "She AIN'T that stupid and she AIN'T THAT evil- AT any rate you done her evil JES to do her evil, she din't EVen WIN nothin". Voice rings out on some words, big projection like when sayin "I do NOT need no help corralin' critters, RIGHT Winona?" If the voice reads hesitant or proper it ain't worth a crap. Grammar got nothin' to do with it, it's a voice but ain't prop'ly a grammatical voice, but it's got its own style to it.

Now you with th' angsty alicorn, the reason I'm hammerin' on Celestia bein' too mature for over-much cryin' over us ponies is jes' that- the maturity. She's gotta have sympathy, but how many ponies have there been? It's like she keeps rats or mice when you outlive dozens of generations, dogs and cats are more like 'outlive three or four generations'. It's good of her to still care an' all, but I would hope she found somethin' else to anchor her. If she hurts too badly, how can she be solid for us? She got a motherly quality, yeah, but it's almost grandmotherly or great-grandmotherly because she's seen SO much. She's a rock. It's okay that she don't care as much as us mortal ponies 'cos she got other strengths. Them's needed, we can't all be Fluttershyin' away out here.

Lookin' over the ol' verbal twang, I din't say 'Ah' once, but you prob'ly still heard it. I slurred one heck of a lot of words with apostrophes, but not absolutely every moment. Words is simple, gen'rally, and go together in a certain way. It's a natural and straightforward way of expressin' yourself if you can hear it- like that there, I said 'words is simple'. Not 'are'. Ain't because I was hankerin' to sound like a damn fool- nope, it's more slurrin. I'm drawlin', worrd-ses-simplll and it all come out as an easy thing t' say. Words Are Simple involves a break in the flow where you start th' 'Are' but wurdsisimple flows jes' like one word.

I don't rightly know if I have helped you at all. At some point you gotta just try to hear th' voice yourself. I hope you want to. It's a perty voice, with a lot of kindness in it, not takin' itself too serious-like but not ashamed of what it is. It slurs and flows, and then breaks into clear earnest statements, all down to mood and necessity.

There's a reason I settle into it so easy (when to be honest, sugar, I'm from up in VERmont where we got rednecks but I ain't exactly one of 'em). There's a sweetness to it that's good for me, and I jes' can't help myself. People think it's an act. It's more like a meditation or somethin'.

Next y'all be askin' me to do a similar improv as all them other mane cast...

Oh, an' "don't you use your fancy mathematics on me!" means "treat me with respect!" not "don't act smart". Use your fancy mathematics all you want but don't use them ON me like some weapon.

That's also a good way to piss Applejack off- come around all haughty and superior and prim and proper. Look down your nose at her and she'll go cold amazin'ly quick. Don't see too much of that but it ain't welcome to see.

Appreciation, or vulnerability, will always return affection and openness. But she's real sensitive, though she won't show it as hurt. She'll show it as- well, you saw it with Trixie, you saw it in Mare Do Well- anypony puttin' themselves above her will be a burr up her butt BIGTIME. It's very Southern in that regard- it's about honor, and respect, and being treated like you're valued. That's the key to it right there.

Folks don't gen'rally disrespect her. If they do- she gets MAD, not just sad. You got a war on your hands if you persist in treatin' her like shit. She'll hesitate to greet somepony else if she has reason to believe they have been and continue to be disrespectin her, her home, her family...

And o' course in Ponyville, that's mighty rare, so you don't see it.

"To Make a Souffle, You Must Break a Few Eggs."

This is a story about Rainbow Dash being forced to cook, and having to go to Pinkie for help.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14904/To-Make-a-Souffle%2C-You-Must-Break-a-Few-Eggs.
Humor, Slice of Life
Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie
3500 words
This was placed on FIM by me some months ago, I recently rewrote parts of it and I am hpoing to send it to EQD but need some feedback and suggestion. This was proofread once before, manly for grammar, back in August.
FLAMES are welcome. If its bad or parts are bad TELL ME!
Thanks

After my comments on "Second Person," I figure it's only fair I share my own little literary experiment.

"Watching Paint Dry"
[tranche de vie, oh so tranche de vie]
Sun and wind embrace
work, play, solitude and love:
Summer afternoon.
(4300 wds)

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19048/Watching-Paint-Dry password: wip

>>99118

Hey, real quick, this thread's for a different kind of review, if you look through. If you want someone to pick over your work for errors and preen you for EQD-readiness, you should go to...

...well, not TTG right now...

Listen, I would offer to help you myself, but I've got shit to do.

okay i wrote this over a month ago, but when i read your thread, i couldn't resist sending it in. (i can't wait to see what the mane six think of this)

Pinkie my Friend
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/16380/Pinkie-my-friend

I tried.

>>99169
okay i goofed. i completely forgot a summary (you'd like that wouldn't you) anyways, there's a summary on fimfiction but i'll post one here so you can decide if you wanna click on it. i plan to submit this story to EQD eventually, so it still needs work, im not just putting it here for fun.

Pinkie my Friend
[Romance][Human]<(sort of)[OC]
One lucky brony gets a surprise in his room one night, as Pinkie Pie herself manages to open a portal to his dimension. Shortly after entering Equestria, he goes through a strange transformation via the effects of a muffin, and joins the herd in a whole new way. Let the party begin.
http://www.fimfiction.net/manage_user/stories

>>99118
Gosh. I don't think this is anywhere near EqD mode, but it is light an' fluffy and maybe that will help it. You got only a loose grasp of what th' characters sound like and talk like, but I've seen many stories with a looser grasp of what's ponyish. I'd say, read more and keep on writin' and keep it light and you'll find a place for yourself. If this fic gets on EqD I'll eat my hat, though- or at least nom on it for a spell.

>>99129
You got interestin' derps- Sweetie 'anted up'? I believe if you re-read you'll catch many of your own derps- a good trick is to put it in a different place with a different font and size, so it reflows and you spot words in different places. I won't need to spot derps like "Sweetie Bell" with you, you'll get 'em on a re-read.

Ain't this the point of the experiment? “Sometimes it's nice for a pony to be quiet and alone. Don't you ever feel that way?” This seems like a story that's warm and personable, but where nothin' happens, so you share the nothin' day with the fillies.
They're so deep with abacuses and backstories that it's a lil' frightening, but in th' absence of plotline I guess that's what you do...
I do really like how quiet and meditative it is. Wouldn't read a whole book of that, but as a one-off? I like your experiment. Feels S1 pony :)

>>99169
Dang, honey, you're new ain'tcha? Barely out of wall of text. Are you havin' fun? You seem to be doin' fine for how little you've written.

You ain't gonna be winnin' the hearts of other writers with that stuff, but there's folks who are enjoyin' it, so why not carry on and read a lot of other stuff? Especially paper books, if you got those, read them right up :) don't read only jes' fanfics, and don't read only cherrypicked books either (like readin' Dune over and over or somethin'). Looks like you're at the start of somethin' good :)

>>99221
Sweetie has a reputation for being "a little slow on the uptake." I like to think that her mind is often on a deeper plane - and with some more maturity and practice, her talent for poetry and songcraft will come forward.

And the mathematics thing is a very subtle crack at the show's use of Einstein as blackboard-filler. If they can handle Riemann geometry, analytic geometry with a touch of calculus should be (ahem) fillies' play.

Golden Vision eventually decided that it makes them a little older than canon last time around, but I think I'll keep it.

>ante up
The metaphor didn't work, then. I'll try reworking it to the idiomatic "calling somepony's bluff." The point should have been that AB and SB get that they're not really fighting, but Scootaloo doesn't.

>Sometimes it's nice for a pony to be quiet and alone.
Yep. And the whole caretaker-love thing or "wealth can be social," but if you only got that as a warm feeling, that's okay too. I consider "How Does Your Garden Grow" a thematic influence, but I don't think "Paint" develops quite the same contrast. Just the way it worked out.

That, and my muse said "we can make drying paint interesting if we want to!"

Much obliged for your time.

--

@Nuki

Applijinx really doesn't do harsh (to characters, yes, but not to fics), but I do and I'm intrigued. I'll read today, and write up my comments if you're interested. PM me @"Eustatian Wings" on FiMFiction or [email protected]

I have a thing for attempting the impossible.

>>99230
Oh, like with the Chief Thunderhooves scene- I get it. I also notice Dash stated your point outright- that's good, I did 'hear her', I just didn't comment on it specifically.

An' you didn't say 'ante up', I'd have got that. You said anteD up, and I read it as 'got herself a bunch of ants' and went, huh? Now I get it, but I didn't read it as 'ante', I read it as 'ant' first.

I don't mind them being filly geniuses as long as you remember that's a development. Prob'ly your strongest thing with this fic is that you really want to be a CMC, reading it. Like, desperately want to be sharin' their lives. That's always good :)

>>99231
Dictionary says either "anteed" or "anted." It's gone, though. The image wasn't worth the potential confusion.

>Like, desperately want to be sharin' their lives.

That made my day. Thank you.

If I gave a brief summary of events proceeding and pertaining to a chapter in a long fic (chapter 24 of ~3.5k chapters), would you be willing to review it? I currently have a bulk of the fic being reviewed by eustatian, but I wanted to get an unreleased chapter or two up to shape.

>>99452
> ~3.5k chapters

Good lord! Are you sure that number's right?

>>99573
The average chapter length of Foe is 13k... and EoP average is 28k...

>>99577
I believe he was poking fun at the fact I should have had a 'words' somewhere in there.

Yeah, I ain't readin' 3,500 chapters of anythin' ;)

I will look at stuff out of context, no problem. You can tell characterization that way too- won't follow the plot, but it should still ring true or false regardless. Sort of fractal- any fragment should still seem 'canon'.

>>99593
All right then, here it is: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13KD228jOLYNJ3iDNSLLLeqRu2tX0vJf55d7ZGiC4Fc4/edit

The story thus far:
Twilight and Rainbow Dash's relationship has been shaky thus far. Poor communication, mistakes, and real life obstacles have made the relationship pretty much one giant train wreck so far. Both Fluttershy and Applejack voiced their discomfort when Dash and Twilight announced they were dating, and Dash yelled at both of them before storming off. The most recent problem however is that after performing in cloudsdale in front of the wonderbolts and winning a whole day to spend with them, Dash and Spitfire grew close. And consequently, Spitfire began to have feelings for her, which Dash later wound up returning. Much, much later when Twilight and were in Canterlot, Dash was arguing with Spitfire, and abruptly kissed her. Twilight had been outside the room, and heard the whole thing.

After a somewhat regretful goodbye, and one final kiss, Dash and Spitfire parted ways, Dash having made up her mind to stay with Twilight. Confronting Twilight later that night, they talk about the problems they've been having and Dash's feelings for both her and Spitfire. Vowing to each other that things would be different from now on, Twilight takes her back, and they take the train back to Ponyville.

As far as character development goes, Twilight is supposed to be a bit sad right now (for obvious reasons) and Dash is regretful of her actions, but determined to make it up to Twilight. Otherwise canoninity should be there.

(I may have accidentally left something out. A lot has happened.)

>>99609
Hmmm.
It's like a romance, if we were drawn in simple basic primary colors. We're... very simple. I notice Rainbow's quipping that I'm an egghead, but it's not because she's defensive, it seems to be taking her at face value there. Our motivations are simple. This is happening before Rainbow discovered Daring Do, is it?

I'm not sure what to make of it. It feels like Cliff's Notes versions of our personalities. Spitfire's odd- dancing like nopony's watching? Literally? She's in her room, that's a given. I don't see the aerobatic pegasus superstar there. Laughing at nothing in particular? Because she's relieved?

This feels like primary colors, always the most obvious thought or feeling or phrase- sharp pang in her heart, arched an eyebrow, peaceful smile, insurmountable weight, dance as if noone is watching- and then when it's a little different it's odd- she thrashed the idea, leaned her head on top of, the train stuttered, she rest her cheek, danced aimlessly... these things are not in focus, they're not clearly thought or felt or expressed.

I think it's you manufacturing the story too consciously, directing the ponies to act certain ways- and lacking some of the facility you need. You just need to do more... and read more. It becomes more second nature and then it's like you're the stenographer, trying to keep up as their activity unfolds. There are parallels in art- I never got enough facility with a pen or pencil to draw naturally, though I can vector since that's like programming lines and the rules are very different. All my pencil lines are overly conscious and it gives me the same problem.

Your writing and characterisation are like that- it doesn't feel like you've been writing for ten or twenty or thirty years. There's a simple fix, which is write for ten or twenty or thirty years.

Oh, and read!

>>99609
I'm kind of too boring.
It's nice that all the mares want me, though!

>>99624
And I did accidentally leave something out.
Spitfire's somewhat... giddy dance, is because her crush on Dash had been a major distraction in her career and life, and she's relieved that it's finally over. she's also been somewhat characterized as someone who bottles things up for the sake of being a good person.

I've been writing for half a year and this story was the first thing I wrote. I suppose many of the flaws in my writing could be fixed simply by reading more. I haven't nearly read as much as someone who writes should.

I think a lot of what makes the motives seem simple is the lack of context from not having read earlier chapters, but that shouldn't really be an excuse.

>>99626
Sorry, Dash. I'll try to make you more awesome.

>>99647
Awww... don't be downhearted! Long as it ain't the first an' last thing you write, hear what I'm sayin'? Have some respect for the scope of the undertakin' but understand that just by continuin' to care about it year after year you'll get better and your song will be clearer.

Um, assumin' Vinyl sings a song. Beats will be solider? Flow more irresistible? Just know you ain't no different from everypony else. NOPONY has total control of th' art much less craft, half a year in. And everypony's been half a year in at some point, whether they care to admit it or not. :)

>>100420
You've just got to learn to write better, honey. Your paragraphs are all simple unrelated sentences, sometimes lines of dialogue, all run together. Sometimes you don't have punctuation in th' dialogue, or you have other huge writing derps. You've got to learn to write the basics before anypony will be concerned about characterization.

Paragraphs basically work like this- one basic idea to one paragraph, perhaps developed if it's still related. A sequence of things like this...

>I happened to come across sugar cube corner, probably one of the most easily recognizable buildings in pony Ville due to its cupcake top. I walked in and asked the pony at the counter if Pinkie Pie was around. “Pinkamena’s upstairs I think,” She said, “poor thing, she was really upset when she got back, I hope she’s alright.” Immediately two cupcakes launched out of a compartment in the wall behind the counter, and landed squarely in both of my eyes. “Agh!” I yelped, clambering backward as I tried to maintain my balance. I fell backward out the door and landed in a heap on the ground, the cupcakes fell from my eyes.

Honey, it's 'Ponyville', and 'Sugarcube Corner', and walkin' in (and especially her dialogue) are new paragraphs, and 'she' isn't capitalized in a dialogue break like that, and there's a period after 'got back' because 'I hope she's all right' is its own sentence. And why the cupcakes? And them fallin' from your eyes is a sentence on its own.

You got to learn to write a lil' better. Can't help you with characterization at this stage- your writin' doesn't support it.

>>100429
... Wow... thanks. Looking at it now, even I am shocked by my own writing. It really has been a while since I wrote it. I'll give it a do-over and send it up through the training grounds like I should have done in the first place. Thanks for at least looking at it.

>>100440
Look at your name field before.

>>100440
>>100454

Somehow I missed this response when you posted it. Have you got any suggestions on improving it? You said I'm not winning any hearts with it, and I sorta knew that. But I can't figure out what's wrong with it. I had this cool Idea and I wanted to make It enjoyable for everypony to read, but it just never took off. I probably sound like every other new writer right now but it's the honest truth. Was the characterization at least okay?

Reposting this for Minjask. I know it was already responded to, but still.

Seriously mate, if you took part in an anonymous contest, you really need to be more careful about linking your submission to your name. At the very least wait until the contest is over.

>>100459
What would I do without you Pinkie?
I'll remember that in the future; I never make the same mistake twice

Title: Wingless
Tags: [Sci-Fi] [Grimdark] [Adventure]
Description: Rainbow Dash awakens one day to find herself in the ATaMoTS, an infinite testing chamber controlled by a peculiar AI named Adam. When events go awry, Dash is forced into a battle against her own perception of morality and her very sanity. Will the pegasus manage to successfully escape this world, or will she be forced to wander its depths forever?
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23392/Wingless

Hello, Applejinx! My name is Ryonne. So I guess I've decided to jump in with my fic. I've been throwing this in the general direction of Equestria Daily, and they've been repeatedly responding by punching me in the face for supposedly messing up Rainbow Dash's characterization, particularly in chapter two. Well, primarily the response has pertained to chapter two, because I haven't submitted the third as of yet. Now, as an arrogant writer, I have no idea what this "out of character" means, so I would like elaboration. Please, point out plot-specific points, and definitely feel free to jump in with any other things about the story you find jarringly off key. Thank you very much, and I await your response!

>>100486
"I'm just a pony?" I'm JUST A PONY? Try
>Who are you?
>I'm Rainbow Dash. I'm FUCKING AWESOME
Yeah, okay, I'm totally having to go and look at the first chapter to figure out why I'm a HIPPIE in chapter two! And it's not promising. "Wingless, A Fanfiction By Rhyonne"? Yeah, we'd guessed. Oh, and since Equestria Daily auto-nukes 'Dash breaks her wings' fanfictions, you might want to look at that *shudder* title... and if you have 'the beings backside' in there before you even get to the title, no wonder they're bouncing it.

*deepbreath* Okay. Stay on target, Dash.

This whole story is confusing the piss out of me. Why is this even happening? It's arbitrary. Why do I keep on accepting what's happening? I'm not sure if you understand but I have Weather Patrol duty in a couple hours and I really, really don't like things messing with my mind, okay? It freaks me the hell out. It's like it took me over without even a fight and suddenly I'm Twilight Egghead. Why the BUCK would I light up about a book titled "Life of Natives in Modern Equestria" if it doesn't have Daring Do on the cover? Why the BUCK should I care what 'some unicorns' think about burping after tea? Since when is tea fizzy anyway?

I caught you putting "you're" when it shoulda said "your".

Hey, since when are the princesses 'a sort of mix of a pegasus and a unicorn'? I oughta...

Rrrr!

Okay, bored now.

>flies off in a huff

>>100486
Well, I guess that's from the horse's mouth! Heh.

I reckon you could get away with all this a lot easier if it was Twilight Sparkle, or a background pony, sugar. (If you figure I'm a background pony I'll kick you and ain't helpin' you no more)

Th' story is all about the mysterious AI experimenter thing, but th' problem is that if your reader don't have any idea what's goin' on, there's no tension and no expectation. And you got BIGTIME no expectation- I sensed no agenda of any sort, I couldn't work out what was s'posed to happen. Just because the subject of th' story is out of th' loop does not mean you can let the reader experience the confusion along with her. You've got to give away the catch to all this so folks can go 'yay' or 'oh no' and have an opinion about what's happenin'. I just don't feel as a reader that I know what the agenda is. When Dashie starts squeeing at egghead book titles and alternately strugglin' and acceptin' in the space of about two sentences, I switch right off. You've GOT to make it mean something specific to the reader even if the test subject doesn't get told until later.

>>100518
Ugh, everything of that more or less makes my heart drop. And not because I don't like the criticism; it was very well presented and very constructive. My major problem here, I guess, is that I might have to change Dash as the protagonist. Honestly, I had everything planned out for this fic. When I first conceptualized it, Dash was the major character. Most of the entire plot line I have planned relies on Dash as the main character. However, I guess I'm starting to realize that having her in these situations may be ruining the entire fic. I'd either have to make a major overhaul of everything and try my best to rewrite all of the scenes with a perfect Dash, or I could change the character. The former would better play to my constraints, but the latter would greatly improve what I have going on here. I mean, Twilight would be a great alternative, but Dash was the main character this whole time. I'm reiterating myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been trying to perfect this to my vision for more than five months, and making this change would be a humongous hit against that. It would require a ground-up revision on the entire story.

So, I guess I truly do need to ask your opinion. Do you think that the characterization issues are the greatest limitations of the story, or would you say the problems extend far beyond that? Could switching out the character, even with how long it would take and how much work it would require, fix the fanfiction? Am I worrying too much about this?

If you think this conversation would be better conducted in email, feel free to take it there; my email is right there. However, I would like to hear your input on this.

>>100538
If you want to have this conversation, you best blow all your secrets- mostly general readers ain't here, so it's kinda private-ish. What happens? Why must it be Rainbow, when she isn't reacting entirely like Rainbow? Is it because her pugnaciousness is needed later? I can't see where it's going, so you should tell me straight up. How does it end?

I said I'd check the thread out, so I'm doing that now, I suppose.

Title: That Rainbow Mane
Tags: [Normal][Slice of Life]
Desc: Life on the farm was dull for Little Pinkamena, until one fateful day changed her outlook forever. Now a young mare, she's come to Ponyville to seek two things: A new way of life, and every friend she can manage.

But there's two pegasi in particular who've caught her eye: One shy and with a pink mane much like her own, and one brazen, whose mane just makes her want to smile forever...
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ynymgEVxiMqraTrzEfGflU1J1oiNqWEbcO3L5JJ7x0k/edit

My apologies for the incompleteness; it's a work in progress. Part One is nearing completion of its rough draft, and I'll be working on Part Two shortly. Mostly I was just interested in the latest scene I've added, but since I'm posting this here I may as well submit the whole thing for review.

>>100557
I'm sorry, but I wouldn't like to reveal what I have planned just as of yet. Right now, however, I have stepped back and looked over the general plot line still coming. I've taken what you said here into account, and I assure you there will be drastic changes on the character of Rainbow Dash. Perhaps on the rest of the story as well. At any rate, I thank you wholeheartedly for this review, and I migh be doing some revisionary work soon enough.

By the way, I'm sorry for being so late in the response. A few things got in the way.

>>100578
Nice an' simple- my, you've come a long way, sugar. I remember when you learnt paragraphs...

Still findin' the 'party at Pinkie's place' contrived but so are you- I got to wonder, what if there was some calamity over at Applejack's where they couldn't have their party, and Pinkie's offer ain't an imposition so much as a rescue that turns out super well? That would be mighty pony.

Ain't no 'perpleixion', it's 'perplexity'...

I can FEEL that you're re-reading this and hackin' away at it. That's good, it's normal. Folks saw me rise in the middle of the night, last night, and fire up the laptop just to fix a wrong verb tense in my latest chapter- spotted on what had to be the tenth re-read. Puttin' in the work is normal.

Y'all readin' MY stuff too much if you got your Applejack offerin' her bed to Dashie on first sight! ;) but I can't help but enjoy the hint of first Scootaloo! Interestingly this is rewritin' the first meeting as seen in the CMC episodes... they meet with 'got a problem with blank flanks?!?' and she knows Sweetie. Maybe she met Sweetie, not AB, at this upcomin' party?

Hello there! :)
Could you review this chapter for me please? and I would really like an honest and harsh/brutal review on it :)

Description:
Everypony has heard about the Judgment Day. A moment when everything is wiped off of the surface of Equestria and a new life begins. Little does anypony know that the truth is much more sinister and dark.

[dark] [violence]

Link:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ibe_pNHe92mfx9TmlT1aUwV5cca65HEuFzuuzLpfNTc/edit

>>100957
I've seen this before. If I haven't seen it from you... then grimdark runs to type.

>The second one showed a pony like being, whose body looked like it was a thousand others and tried to choose one, without prevail.

Huh?

Is there any mane cast here, hon? I think it's kind of a Book Of Revelations of poni, all full of flaming tentacles and portents. If you settled down a bit (and this is from a pony well known to write all wild-eyed and swishy-tailed) what would you have? I got no idea what's happening, though at a wild crazy guess I would say this white pony needs to go forth and do battle with an ancient evil. Did I win anythin'?

Are you sure you want to claim th' truth is MORE sinister and dark than Judgement Day when everything is wiped off Equestria? I'm thinkin' your muse might need to sit down and take a few deep breaths.

There's nothin' so terrible about that, mind you. It's okay. It's just about learnin' to strike a balance where things flow a lil' better, something I am also doin' on a daily basis. I would say that strivin' to be MORE sinister and dark than judgement day when the world is destroyed... is TOO grimdark, and you got to dial it back.

I'm havin' to dial back the sad and distressin' aspects of my own book lately, too. We shall have a nice cup of tea and take a deep breath, together, and write just a LIL' nicer, the both of us. Okay? :)

Hi there, I'd like to have your opinion on my fic.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1te_fVJBEn4G1XiG9e_KHDBfslQs8W-7gCKt2jcI9c7E/edit

Title: The Radical Adventures of Daring Dash and Derpy Do

Finished Chapters: 1 (There are some others in the doc, but aren't ready to be reviewed yet)

Synopsis: Scootaloo hasn't seen her personal Idol, Rainbow Dash, for quite a while. Rumour in town says she just returned from an adventure with a ditzy postmare. She has to invastigate that further.

Tag: Adventure

As usual I'd like to know if Dash isn't acting OOC. Also any pointers on how to make the execution a bit more graceful and the pace right, would be greatly appreciated.

Eagerly Awaiting one of you awesome responses,
CommissarCC

>>101082
Hey, your writing is really sloppy, but I can still kinda see myself in there! Yeah... if I cosplayed I'd do it right, I'd do it AWESOME...
I'm still reading. It's still got personality. And lots of silly mistakes. You should get somepony to fix those, who bothers with boring stuff like that.
*reads*
*squeee!*
Okay, you are just awesome. You're like the most amateurish writer AND the most promising writer I ever saw. Don't you dare give up, just get better- I loved what you did. Oh, um, somepony wants to talk to you....

>>101082
Stop using two different sans serif fonts for different parts of the story! It makes me grind my teeth!

And I don't think Rainbow Dash would hit me! Though I think that's just what I'd do to try to get through to her that she's doing things wrong.

I'm charmed too by Derpy's secret. I don't know why that rang so true for me but I agree with Rainbow, there- and it's also worth mentioning that the innocent tone you use is worth preserving. You really need to be more detail-oriented and work on your stories to clean up some of the loose ends, because the feel of distinct personalities warrants it. Rainbow's inner thoughts do feel very Rainbowish, and you've managed to give me clearly different thoughts all without narratively jumping into my head to do it- dialogue reveals that my thoughts are at odds, but the narrative is still coming from Dash. That is most impressive from an amateur writer.

Fix the font silliness, PLEASE! I'm convinced that's what I was seeing- I compared lowercase Ps. I can think of only one writer who's used fonts and it worked, and it was published author Pat Cadigan's book 'Fools' in which the first-person protagonist is a multiple personality. And there's only so many of those the world needs.

Just put in the effort. I am certain you'll find happy readers, if you can grab our Rainbow like that. And remember, you're not limited only to this fic (though you should be cleaning and grooming it). Some of the traits I mentioned will be with you in ANYTHING you try to write, such as understanding a narrative 'voice' and having contrasting characters who aren't that voice but are still understood through the dialogue they add.

And fix the fonts? Pleeeease?

>>101082
Aw, shucks, we read too far, din't we? I jes' noticed you said don't read the unfinished parts.

Well... I guess you got us reviewer-ponies readin' the WHOLE THING without stoppin', and bein' excited by it and cheerin' you on.

I ain't gonna line edit you! Go find them as likes doin' that! Or learn to do it yourself, that's best of all!

But take this as one of them 'OMG squee' moments like Dashie got- I swear on Bucky McGillicuddy and Kicks McGee that you got th' instinct. Now you got to do th' work. An' remember, you got to work with folks that find fault and don't cheer for you, but everypony's got some right and some wrong in 'em, so in the end it's YOUR instinct that must guide you, once you get past the obvious derps and grammatical mistakes.

Still can't believe we all end up readin' th' whole damn thing when you said up front we could skip most of it. Dang. That tells ya somethin'. One of th' things it tells you is, we got enough story hooks right up front that we knew just where we were goin'- and when a twist turn up, we swallowed that too, and badaboom, there we are at the end blinkin' like fillies mornin' after th' prom. *snrk* With lil' baby new headcanon occupyin' our private places! *snrk* sorry!

>>101087
>>101086
>>101089

With an encouragement like that I wouldn't dream of giving up or not striving for perfection. You can't imagine what those words mean to me, especially that you actually read through my entire mess.

In hindsight, the whole font changing thing does look silly, I guess i'll stick to horizontal breaks then.

Thanks, you three are all amazing, I'll do my best to fix this up to acceptable standards. and Applejack, I really appreciate your words but, uhm, TMI. ;D

I'll go back writing and lurking around here and try to stop being such a writing noob. Thanks again, I still can't believe you liked it so much.

I've got a fic up on Fimfiction.net that I want to get some real criticism on. (Constructive, mind you). I want to make sure I've got, for the most part, the characterization down. It's 50k words, now, but the most important bits are in chapter 3,4, and 5.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7177/The-Nexus

>>101304
Aw, honey, I'm not sure this is th' thread for you. It's a HiE loaded with more grammatical problems than I can even list. Pinkie Pie scolds about cursing, Rarity's clothes horse again- and th' human and Big Mac play 'gay chicken', seriously, and y'all put in emoticons and a mess o' whitespace as a gag?

Sugarcube, this is MLP fanfiction. Th' only gay chicken is Scootaloo when they ship her with Dashie or somepony... I ain't prepared to read any further. Go git more of the rough edges knocked off. I reckon if it weren't for th' Gay Chicken and emoticons/whitespace I'd read a bit farther, but dang. Not the best introduction I ever saw...

>>101321
It is much appreciated. I need to know where I go wrong before I can get it right.

>>100967
Okay:) Thanks for reading and pointing out a few errors :) As for the main cast, in this story there will be a total of 6 characters but max. 3 in one place at a time.

Cast:
Protagonists - the nameless mare, Twilight Sparkle, Archangel Lucyfer (only in one scene).

Antagonists: High Templar Octavian, Raleflame (his elemental companion), Beliar (The big bad guy)

I think you were right about something being too grimdark claiming it would be worse than the end of the world so I changed it to a bit of a lighter theme - an invasion of a scale never heard or seen in Equestria. The main aim of the invasion? Simple. To pillage, enslave and conquer.

I would like to see your thoughts on this "lighter" theme. (The chapter itself hasn't changed much because of that fact, only a few minor moments.) :)

>>101359
>To pillage, enslave and conquer

Why? Jes' cuz?

Thread ain't about grand epic themes, sugar, it's about writin' the mane cast in-character...

>>101362
Okay then :)
Well anyway character wise. I want to make the main character a nameless mare whose name I won't reveal, ever. Is this a good idea?

>>101373
Yes.

>>101373
Why?? Jes' cuz?

Y'all startin' to scare me, sugarcube :D

>>101380
It all is part of a plan made by forces unseen :D

Well Beliar conquers worlds because he's a tyrant and wants to achieve Multiverse domination.(typical ain't it?)

Why doesn't she have a name? Well, I think it just would be nicer to have a nameless hero once and a while ;)

>>101374
I like him! (or her lulz) :D

Can I call you Jinxie? I think I saw Bollox or maybe it was PinkieMod's civilian guise calling you that a long time ago and it's stuck in my head ever since. If you're not okay with that then that's fine.

I wanted to talk Show vs. Tell. A reviewer went through my work and although my EQD prereader didn't comment on show vs tell, this guy has some kind of wicked nasty personal vendetta against tell and straight-up hated it every time I went for an infodump or a boring description.

I came out of the conversation I had with him about it afterwards with more questions than answers about show vs tell.

See, previously I'd been under the impression that sensory details were a kind of "safe bet" in terms of show vs tell. They communicate in a simple, often boring way, but they don't skip detail that should be "shown."

However, this reviewer would have me purge all "telling" with extreme prejudice. Generally this means boring exposition, boring verbs, and "weather reports."

An example.

>...the terrible weapons used in the fighting were the last magic that the world would see for centuries. From that day forward, the ponies’ lives would be driven not by the powers that were their birthright, but by the machines they would build to help them dominate this new, colder world.

So it's a boring infodump. I understand that it would be more graceful woven into somewhere else, but I enjoy the "mysterious narrating voice" cliche and more to the point a few other reviewers really liked this. Anyway, it's not that I don't understand what's going on here, it's just two diametrically opposed opinions that I can't seem to resolve.

Here's a much tougher issue.

>Daybreak was a slight mare with a lustrous pink coat, all the more prominent where it peeked out from under the collar of her her charcoal-grey vest. Her combed bangs traced up her forehead to an orange and purple mane that evoked her namesake time of day.

Hooray valuable space spent infodumping a character's appearance! The thing is, the reviewer's example of how to change visual description to show vs tell was problematic for me.

Option 1: Imply it. Make her color relevant to something. Describe her color via a character's opinion about her color. Basically, fight tooth and nail to avoid ever directly communicating what her color is. I don't think I can or should do this every time.

The author gave me a handy example of how a character's mane color could be "shown," and... well...

>She brushed a lock of wind-tossed turquoise hair away from her eyes.

Excuse me, but how is this different from just infodumping, apart from the fact that it has a less boring verb than "to be?" Should I follow this rule and accompany every bit of description with a character interacting with said description, i.e. a character having an opinion about a color?

Now don't get me wrong, much of the reviewer's show vs tell advice is going to make my writing better in ways that I do understand and am able to work at, but I'm trying to nail down the exact rules I should be working with here.

Whatever, I'm just rambling. It comes down to this: How hard do I have to fight "showing?" Is the reviewer's advice just more subjective than he thinks? Am I the one who's wrong about not wanting to weigh down simple things by making them metaphorical or implying them sideways? Is my lack of formal training as a writer coming up to bite me?

Ugh, I don't mean to shit up your thread, but I have work to do on this fic and I want to intellectualize my way through while I'm at it.

>>101968
Naw, that's still in th' spirit of what the thread's for.

I'm thinkin' that you're not out of line in the least with your examples- but that your reviewer really hates certain types of narrators. You got to remember, the prereaders are constantly buried in absolute schlock, and I can explain th' problem- what they see has this narrative 'telling', but goes nowhere with it. Bad fic sits there as if all you got to do is give the cliff's notes- or worse, the worldbuilding- and then folks will be impressed.

The one surefire way to get away with infodump is to spring directly off it into some character caring about or wanting something. It's never about the infodump. It's always 'now that I got THAT out of the way' in the fewest, tightest sentences you can- and then, on to the part that actually engages.

>Daybreak was a slight mare with a lustrous pink coat, all the more prominent where it peeked out from under the collar of her her charcoal-grey vest. Her combed bangs traced up her forehead to an orange and purple mane that evoked her namesake time of day.

an' then

>She cursed it as she worked with the mane-dye, trying again to stain it a black to match her gothy, angsty soul

hehe... just kidding... but you have to bounce off the infodump into something interesting, some opinion or angle that puts it into context. Otherwise you're just setting bricks on th' ground one at a time. Look for the moments when you can use infodump as a setup for some striking observation or insight. That's when you get away with it.

The stuff that's really a problem is when there IS no personal angle, when it's just environment and there's no motivation...

>>101970

That's very good advice. With what I've learned from this experience, I think I'm well armed for my attempt at pushing my writing to the next level.

Just as soon as my life has room for such an endeavor.

Now, I have another issue that I think you're the one to help me with: I want to write a character with a really heavy speech affect.

Wait, don't leave yet!

I am rather attached to this idea. It's distinctive, it links into the character's background, and it's a shoutout to my home city.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLmfQSR3EI0&feature=related

I want to use the idea of pidgin: a dialect developed by people of multiple cultures all communicating with each other in a common language that all of them are equally bad at. As you can clearly see, Hawaiian pidgin is distinctive and it cannot be easily communicated via subtle means. I wouldn't know how to scale it back to comprehensible levels without losing much of what I use to communicate the odd pronunciation and phrasing.

>Ho brah, get plenny da kine, yeah? Can handle? If no can, I get 'um. You got? Kay 'den, go bus' em up!

>Whoa brah, you got plenty of that stuff, yeah? Can you handle it? If not, I got it. You got it? Okay then, go bust them up!

I know I'm essentially trying to make a bad idea work, but I reject the idea that I shouldn't or can't use the concept of a super-heavy accent. I want this character to talk badly, but can I pull off "hard to understand" without "annoying to read?"

In-fic examples.

>Changin' where da kine. Come get me da top floor, sout' side. Make 'um quick!

>"Wassup wit'chu? I stay carryin' da goods, remember? I get pancaked, you jackasses goin' hafta explain..."

>"Got 'um right ‘ere. Jus' bleedin’ to death, thas' all."

Hey Jinx, I've got a couple fics for you to look at. Both are incomplete, but I want to know what you think of how it's coming along and the characterizations

AppleCake:
http://www.fimfiction.net/chapter/2770
Pass: AppleCake

This one's about Applejack making that cake at the Grand Galloping Gala. I wanna know how well I've been writing AJ, plus the Chef that pops up (who speaks with a german accent, and I also want to know if I overdid it or not)

Covalent Bonding (Title WIP):
http://www.fimfiction.net/chapter/2131
Pass: NotShippingButRariBloomWouldBeACoolShip

This takes place in the near future, where Apple bloom would be couple years older than the mane six. Rarity is helping her get ready for a date. Again, incomplete (ends in the middle of a sentence but I got stuck) but I want to focus on my characterizations of Rarity and AB

Really appreciate the help; if you have any questions on how either of the stories will turn out if that'll help you with anything, please ask! I have to leave in a minute, but again, appreciate it!

>>102264
Wow- knew there was a reason I liked you- did you know I've done exactly that? Not learned ta speak pidgin, exactly, but studied it.

There's a book called Catch A Fire about Bob Marley's life. The Jamaican reggae stars spoke pidgin. There were some similarities. Did you notice how often that girl said 'how fe'? "I'm going to show you how fe speak pidgin'. That's also present in th' Jamaican patois. Works like 'how for', and like Applejack slang it's a lil' more fluid than "how" "to" with the distinct tongue positions.

In th' song "I Shot The Sheriff", the covers usually run "Every day, the bucket goes to the well, one day the bottom will drop out". But the original reggae is pidgin- the phrase is a Jamaican homily. "Every day, the bucket a go a well- one day, the bottom a go drop out".

It's good to switch up spellings of words being used differently. You'd say No in the normal sense, or for emphasis, but in the 'not' sense it would go "It's not like we nuh can.."

I don't think you can really tone it down- just structure it carefully. Is this a poni story with literally a Hawaiian in it? I wondered whether you might be inventin' a creole for the Diamond Dogs or somethin'.

Regardless, studyin' this stuff will bring great gifts- and bein' so interested in it bodes well. Brightens my day to see it :)

>>102270
Hm- worries me that you're recappin' from the actual show. I'm skippin' past that part- seen it.

Gosh... far be it from me ta impugn th' charms of Applejack, but that guard's a shit guard! No offense? What's the point of him even bein' in th' story if he's such a pushover? And it'd be nice if there was ANY canon evidence that Applejack's a rare beauty... *snif*

Can't git around me THAT way ;)

Oh, now, the chef pony's flippin' his mood about too? That ain't no good. You gotta let him stay cranky, it'll be better. Th' accent is kinda worryin', but then so is him talkin' about terrorists- THEM things ain't canon to Equestria unless'n you count what some ponies will do to a cake in th' dead of night. Do not mix comedic switches of mood with references to terrorists. If y'all want a lighthearted romp, make EVERYTHIN' creampuffs and b'loons.

As for the second one...
HEH.
I dunno if it was an accident, but this:
>"No, no, no; this is too gaudy for somepony of your modest graces"
That there's a classic Rarity burn- hardly even notice the shiv. Hah!
Trouble is, I can't believe NOHOW that Rarity would go broke, or that lil' Apple Bloom would buy the building from her. That there's a book-fling moment. Also not thrilled with th' idea that Sweetie died. So this is kind of maddenin' and I can see why you stalled- you got you a natural gift for being able to write Rarity, you have Apple Bloom sounding natural too, but the events in th' story defy belief. Got to find some less outrageous ideas, like Apple Bloom rents space in Carousel Boutique for a wood shop or somethin'. Don't give up because you're hearin' Rarity's voice very well apart from the stuff you got her doin'.

You're doin' good in character voices, especially Rarity, but you got folks' attitudes flippin' around like beached fish, and the stuff you're prepared to just accept into th' story is like tryin' to bake a cake with flour, eggs, shoes an' Pinkie Pie's butt: seems like funny ideas and then when you try to actually do it, for some reason it's very hard to do and won't fit in th' pan! Killin' off characters works like you're doin' it IN the story, changes the tone completely. You can't have a lighthearted romp over the corpse of dead Sweetie, or a friendly lil' story about how Rarity's lost everything she cared about and become penniless. It's jes' asking too much and this is why you are struggling. Try less crazy stuff, or tone it down, or scrap all the friendly and funny stuff and just go full angst (which probably ain't what you really want).

>>102273

That's cool to hear that you studied pidgin! A lot of people consider it really representative of Hawaii's history. What was your interest in it? Linguistics? Asian studies?

The character's origins are analogous to Hawaii. You know how Ponyville appears to be the most racially diverse town in the show? That's my headcanon anyway. Your idea is interesting though-- making it the dialect of an obviously foreign character.

>>102298

Oh, one more thing: Your post actually illustrates one of the main problems with this whole idea. Despite understanding what you're going for, the Jamaican example was a little confusing to me, and more importantly, I would have spelled it how fo' instead of how fe. The difference is huge and you and I apparently disagree over it. And we're the ones who are most likely to get it...

Off topic. The griffin bit in 'Rarity's' vindicated almost almost every griffin headcanon of mine like crazy, and obviously created a few more. That was beautiful. Your work is fantastic as always.

>>102277
Thanks! Making a note of everything...

>Hm- worries me that you're recappin' from the actual show. I'm skippin' past that part- seen it.
I did that just to kinda set the setting up. Should I just take it out?

>What's the point of him even bein' in th' story if he's such a pushover?
I felt that there needed to be some obstacle in AJ's path to the kitchen, and it would also serve as some sort of well, I don't know exactly what word to use, so I'll just say "catalyst"-- serve as some sort of catalyst for the encounter between the Chef and AJ. (Not to mention the subject of some comedy)
My train of thought was that if it were just the chef, he'd kick her out immediatly, but I wanted it to look like she was being accepted at first, but then shot down soon after

>Th' accent is kinda worryin', but then so is him talkin' about terrorists-
I'll fix that up then. Maybe just leave it at "thieves"

>Trouble is, I can't believe NOHOW that Rarity would go broke, or that lil' Apple Bloom would buy the building from her. That there's a book-fling moment. [...] Got to find some less outrageous ideas, like Apple Bloom rents space in Carousel Boutique for a wood shop or somethin'.
Noted. Maybe Apple Bloom's business is going down and she had to depend on Rarity instead.

>Also not thrilled with th' idea that Sweetie died. [...] Killin' off characters works like you're doin' it IN the story, changes the tone completely.
The idea was that it was supposed to set up for a series--well, not so much a series as it is a group of stories that are loosely connected. One example is the thing with Applejack; it was supposed to imply that something had happened and it would be explained sometime later.

The idea was that Sweetie never got her cutie mark (while AB and scoots did) and her desparation for one ended up being her downfall. This would have been explained later, not in this specific story, but you get what I mean, right? Either way, I can try and work with it to make it better.

>You can't have a lighthearted romp over the corpse of dead Sweetie, or a friendly lil' story about how Rarity's lost everything she cared about and become penniless. It's jes' asking too much and this is why you are struggling. Try less crazy stuff, or tone it down, or scrap all the friendly and funny stuff and just go full angst (which probably ain't what you really want).
Alright, I get this, but I was also trying to emulate real drama; things jump from one thing to another, not necessarily consistently, things are misunderstood (the part I was just about to get into was Apple Bloom getting angry because Rarity sounded like she didn't care for her at all aside from being a replacement sister), and that there are multiple ups and downs (meaning something seems all fine and dandy when suddenly something screws over). I guess it's not working too well anyway, so I'll fix it to make it more consistent.

>you got folks' attitudes flippin' around like beached fish, and the stuff you're prepared to just accept into th' story is like tryin' to bake a cake with flour, eggs, shoes an' Pinkie Pie's butt: seems like funny ideas and then when you try to actually do it, for some reason it's very hard to do and won't fit in th' pan!
Okay, so consistency seems to be the biggest thing I need to work on for these

>a friendly lil' story about how Rarity's lost everything she cared about and become penniless.
"Friendly lil story"? Ha, well, I tried my best not to make it sound like that, but I guess me narration needs some work anyway.

Anyway, thanks again for the help, I really appreciate it!

Hey.

Hey guys.

I'm about to be totally fucking brilliant.

The term "clopfic" comes from the idea of ponies masturbating using their hooves, right? Well, for a griffin-centric fanfic (stay with me here) it would obviously have a different name. And based on the Jinxieverse's griffons...

You would call such a thing a slash fic.

Got a bit of a challenge for you--a community fic. As in, there were 6 authors doing one 'chapter' at a time.

It's just over 20K words, but considering the authors have a smattering of 5- and 6-star (EqD) fics to their credit it shouldn't be too bad a read.

I'm the first author, and since I'm new to authoring I wanted to check over the characterization, and possibly smooth over the roughest of the rough edges. (We're actually debating about submitting it somewhere, and how to deal with the authorship--i.e., whether to send it in as a community fanfic or make up a pseudonym.)

Title: Boredom is Contagious
Tags: Normal, Comedy, Mane-6, Spike, CMCs, Ditzy Doo, OCs (feel free to suggest new tags)
Summary: The CMCs are bored. Uhoh. Then they stumble into what may be a disease outbreak and chaos ensues. On the bright side, they're no longer bored...

Linky: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KwpwzcX4WlQtn8P8zlEayqLPgf2Gxz7qvuJXrcQRRyI/edit

>>102797
Gosh. Honey, I had to give up after a while there... I can't handle that! I'll jes' talk about the whole idea. Don't you see we can't respond, IC-like, to six different authors at once? Y'all put a peck o' stories in a blender, on purpose. I did say 'realistically' in th' OP, that ain't your primary agenda here.

As for the stunt aspect- it looks AND feels like y'all had fun. I wonder if it would be best for you to hide the change-over points and make it a game? This ain't properly a fic, it's an event. I would hate to see it become a common thing because regular writing would suffer from th' distraction, but it really does look like you had fun and that's contagious- and picking the CMCs for it was clever, 'cos they get up to wacky hijinks expressed in a series of unrelated scenes you cut between.

I think this is a good thing you done, even if I hope EVERYPONY don't start tryin' to do it on all sorts of topics less suitable. But good as it is, I can't review it writin' wise.

Title: "I need Cash..."
Author: Arby Works/Mr. Masato
Edited by: Scootalloo and Void Chicken of FiMFiction.net.
Tags: [Comedy][Slice of Life]
Description: "When Rainbow Dash ruins an item she borrowed, she has to find a way to replace it by it's due date, which is the next day. Out of money and out of luck, Rainbow Dash needs to make some cash... and fast."
Links:
Google Docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/157WSCP6qf5A0BEWetDxI8xR3YlaMQ0oQuKwQmlm5yhM/edit
FiMFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/26546/%26quot%3BI-need-Cash...%26quot%3B

Hello, again. Arby Works with a one-shot here, requesting input from the Training Grounds... and Applejinx in this case. Feel free to reject this if you choose. It's approximately 10,086 words, so it's a decent length.
Thanks, and I hope you have a nice day,
Mr. Masato/Arby Works.

>>102853
Yeah- the way this is written, it feels nice and all, but nothing's HAPPENING... erk!

Okay, I see where this is going. This is like a little fun story! It's like what you'd see on TV, except for rolling around in the mud with Derpy which is probably too kinky for TV. Hmm, foalsitting? This won't end well. Holy buck, are they paying a lot for it though! Lex Luthor paid forty bits. Forty. And that's terrible... well, okay, awesome...

If you have me lettin' the baby nurse off me, I'm kicking you in the side of the head, fair warning. What a bait and switch that would be...

Yeah, you're getting some stuff wrong, like switching 'was' with 'is- they call that tenses and it should stay pretty much the same. And sometimes when you say the same thing over and over it's, like, really boring.

*glare* It's okay. Nice. Except seriously, NOPONY would ever believe that stuff about the b...basement for a moment. Yeaaah, right, like I'd get spooked or freak out like that. And even if anypony did believe it, NOPONY would ever find it funny, not if they, you know, loved me and stuff. Nuh-uh! That part? Worst part EVER. You should totally delete it.

*SNRK*
You do, and I'll buck you into next week. Cutest scene I ever saw.
...sorry, Dashie.

...

>>102862
Urk! That darn tensing but... well...

*ahem* ALRIGHTY THEN, thanks for your reply, Rainbow. Unfortunately, the basement has to stay. It HAS to stay. Dignity be forgotten for the moment.

Again, thanks for the reply, especially for doing it so fast. I hope you have a nice day,
Mr. Masato/Arby Works.

>>102852
OK, that was my fault. I guess no matter how good an apple pie you bake you can't eat it all at once, Soarin's efforts notwithstanding.

Do have to disagree with the thing about not being 'realistic'... we are all trying to keep the characters in tune with the show, after all.

Would you consider assessing the characterizations on an author-by-author basis?

>>102888
Nope. It's too big of a project. I don't even know where I'd start (er, author 1 presumably). I'd have to analyze how one author's angle interacted with the next one up- it's a damn mare's nest and I don't mean pegasus house.

How can you be makin' a fic like this and simultaneously be trying to make it cohesive and in-character like a regular fic? Just run with the 'stunt' nature of it in some way. Your authors have strikingly different styles in places. I'm not gonna take on executive-producer duties- silly pony I might be, but I ain't crazy!

Greetings, cast. This one is just for Dash and Pinkie, unless Spitfire or Soarin are hanging around somewhere. I'd like to get a stamp of approval on the characterizations, if it's worthy of such.

This is a re-write of chapter 1 of my 6-chapters-so-far story, Rainbow Typhoon. I'm working on re-doing chapter 2 right now. The other chapters are likely to remain mostly as is during this rewrite period. But this request is just for chapter 1.

Title: Rainbow Typhoon
Tags: [adventure]
Synopsis: Sometimes reckless, often daring, always loyal, Rainbow Dash's one goal in life is to become a Wonderbolt. With a little help from a storm, her fondest wish is about to come true. But not all weather in Equestria can be controlled, and the plans of a brave little pegasus mean nothing to a hurricane.
GDoc: http://tinyurl.com/rainbowtyphoon1
Length: ~3200 words

Hopefully there will few grammatical errors. I've got a very good proofreader. :) (Happy birthday, Spabble!)

This is on MintyRest's queue also, on hold for a while but just re-activated today.

>>102893
Hm. Rainbow is napping, and Pinkie's offended, so I'll take up the critical lance and joust away for you- how's that?

This fic worries me. It's loaded with italics and hijinks but it's hard to tell what matters in it. I wondered if maybe Rainbow was getting set up with Pinkie, but I didn't get much of a sense of it- and then Rainbow missed seeing the Wonderbolts, only to be surprised by them turning up at her house. It's all slapstick, but we're supposed to take their offer seriously?

You've got to be more careful of your tone, and think about what you're trying to accomplish. I can't tell whether it's supposed to be very light and giddy, or a romance, or some sort of drama centered around Dash playing Wonderbolt for a day. And the ending would raise more questions- if she got offered a spot with them, what about Pinkie back home? Is Soarin' into her? If she doesn't win a position with them in true Mary Sue Dash-gets-all-the-breaks fashion, what was all that slapstick stuff for?

Rainbow's tough to write for because you need her vulnerability to make her sympathetic, but her vulnerability isn't just about crashing into things, it's her fear of not measuring up. She wouldn't admit it to you, but she's awfully driven and insecure, and doesn't shake things off that easily. What she does, is bluster, and she's really good at that.

Pinkie's really dumb here. Why's she offering Dash a worm? When she's acting crazy usually she's three steps ahead of everypony. She skips ahead to the end of the script, offers the solution, and can't figure out why the rest of us aren't on board. The really startling thing is why Pinkie hasn't done a replay of her shock routine when she first met ME, and promptly started dragging Dash to the train station. She KNOWS Dash worships the Wonderbolts. You've seen how she acts when she knows what must happen, and Dash not being there at the train station tells her what must happen. Why is she offering Dash a worm, and not caring about the obvious wrongness of Dash not being there to see the Wonderbolts arrive?

Some of Rainbow's mental philosophy seem more like what Rarity or I might think- or for that matter Pinkie, in one of those moments that confound us and leave us staring. I've never seen Rainbow ponder the ephemerality of peak experience. I have seen her knock over my bookcase, however.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more upbeat- I was in the middle of something and kind of fired off my real thoughts without moderating them. If it's any consolation, there's little correlation between my critical opinions and mass appeal? Applejack seems to have a better instinct for that, and she's cooking dinner. And Pinkie's cross because she doesn't offer people worms- though between you and me, that 'baked bads' incident tells me she's got no business being snippy about it, she's even eaten them!

Just keep a closer eye on your tone sentence-by-sentence? And present tense is a bit of a handicap if you're focusing on the events of the story.

>>102904
Thanks for the comments, Twilight. I made several changes within the hour as a result. One of the biggest advantages to having a critical review is pointing out what the author just can't see. (Forest/trees.) And for this, I'm always grateful to my reviewers. Thank you.

A few of the things I was doing wrong and could then fix because of your observations:

>[Rainbow Dash] doesn't shake things off that easily.
I wasn't entirely happy about her departure from the train station, and your comment helped me see why. It isn't like her just to shrug something like that off and move on when she's disappointed. It takes a bit more effort on her writer's part to handle such emotional moments. I needed to put in that extra effort there.

The whole of my story is spent inside Dash's head as she fends off challenges and setbacks, again and again, rising to meet each one with her determination and loyalty. I want the reader there with her as she learns and grows as a result. There's none of that growing in this first chapter. This is the establishment of her baseline state and the warm-up to the triggering event of the story—which takes place in those last few lines.

>Why's she offering Dash a worm?
This was the moment I was most certain needed to be removed, even prior to your comment. I just didn't know why. Pinkie is random, she likes practical jokes, so the worm bit is right, right? Wrong. I forgot the one thing any MLP fanfic writer should never forget: her Element of Harmony.

If what she does doesn't invoke laughter, then its. just. not. right. I completely missed that with the worm. Dash wasn't laughing.

The worm is now pushing up the daisies.

>...why Pinkie hasn't...started dragging Dash to the train station.
This was a failure of narration. As often happens to writers—or at least to ME—there was more in my head than went into the story. I knew the order and time of events that happen outside the scope of the PoV, but I failed to convey that information to the reader.

Hopefully, a few small tweaks later, and it becomes obvious why Pinkie isn't dragging Dash off—because she knows the train is already gone. She just needs the chance (granted by me) to tell Dash, but have Dash not understand. I erroneously gave the impression that she was leading Dash on. That's not our Pinkie Pie.

Sorry if you thought this was a shipping fic. Not sure where that came from. I don't use that tag. (Did once, long ago, but got rid of it. It would have detracted from the overall tone of the story.) I'll keep an eye out for inadvertent shipping signs and squelch them. Except for Dash and Soarin—I'll permit them some small amount of chemistry even though I won't progress it past that. (Not even what-if thoughts.)

As for the tone, I've thought this out quite a bit. The story gets darker as it goes. Not [grimdark] at all, just building tension and danger, adventure style. But that tone can't be kept up continuously without wearing down the reader. Interjecting humor here and there in between the gaps gives relief, and can make a huge difference. But slapstick in the middle of the climax would, of course, be inappropriate. The quantity should be proportional to the level of tension.

So here at the beginning of the story, where there is hardly any tension at all (some in the first scene, only the minutest traces elsewhere) is where this humor should be most concentrated. I mean, if there was no humor here, then adding some later would seem wildly out of place.

Is there too much here in chapter 1? I'll keep an eye on that and try to make sure it stays in balance with later chapters. Whether there is or isn't, the humor will drop steadily as the story progresses and the stress builds.

And don't worry about always being upbeat. I have a feeling that the "victims" of a review are usually far more impacted by the idea of *gasp* Changing Their Words than any amount of off-the-hoof tone can do. :)

Here, have a wormy muffin. The protein is GOOD for you! :)

Hi there! I've got a chapter of my time loop fic, Glitched, for submission. The chapter's about half-finished, but it reaches a good concluding point. My main worry is whether Twilight's actions keep her IC and remain distinct enough from canon.

Title: Glitched
Characters; Twilight Sparkle
Tags: SciFi, Dark
Synopsis: When Twilight becomes trapped in a time loop on the week of her brother's wedding, she makes up her mind to escape, stop the Changelings, and save the Royal Couple in the process. But this is no ordinary Groundhog Day, and as the Loops go on, her mind and those of her friends will be driven to the brink. After all, when you’re whirling through eternity, one more step might be all that’s needed to fall into the darkness—forever.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zRidqITlj4SdBFDSLBV7mxdLlXqB9uC2VNQsX_hOwII/edit

Thank you!
-Golden Vision

(Note that the BBCode is only there for purposes of eventual submission to fimfiction. I hope it isn't too distracting)

>>103575
Oh, I should probably add that this is a resubmission of sorts. I'd forgotten that I came here a few weeks ago with an earlier version of this chapter. My bad!

>>103575
Whoa! A time loop story! Ooh the allure is too great, I simply must read. I'm somewhat of an expert on time travel anomalies

>>103591
My apologies if it's not too long (2.3k words, and only 4 scenes or so). My main concern at the moment is the beginning/introduction—from there, everything should flow fine. The first Loop(s), I think, are the toughest to get right.

Still, I am glad that somebody's already interested!

>>103594
Are you kidding?! The best stories tend to be 10-15k, although I've seen a few shorter. I'd like to help in anyway I can because time travel is my forte. But I don't want to get in anypony's way, and I certainly don't want to use up somepony else's thread. Run it by me when Applejinx is through with it. I doubt he'd she? miss something I wouldn't but it couldn't hurt right? My queue's empty anyway

>>103575
Well then! I'll do my best, Golden, and I...

>with a limp in one of legs

Um.

>one of her wings was twisted at an awkward angle as well

Oh, come on, it wasn't- I've just gone back and watched it. I can only conclude that there was a changeling lurking behind the grassy knoll, but Rainbow's wing was certainly not...

>Rarity’s horn had a dent in it

*urk* *gag* Applejaaack! This is all wrong, and it's giving me 'body horror', can you...

Wait, it's like that for a reason, isn't it? TIME LOOP!

Well, that's hooked me into the time loop concept in no uncertain terms! My only concern is that you're writing so roughly. Perhaps it has built up over several loops? Did I really break Cadence's, I mean Chrysalis's leg? Does that mean they'll have to shoot her? Better not aim for any holes or it defeats the purpose!

It looks like you're going to have fun with this- I just think you need to dig a little deeper. Princess Celestia can be very stern and still have empathy. You've got to look beyond the simplest, crudest interpretations of things- everypony's breaking legs or wings or *shudder* horns, Princess Celestia is turning totally hostile when provoked, everything is on one level. I can see it's a violent action fic, but you need to allow a little more depth, at least some of the time. I realize you can't really have Chrysalis self-doubting and having second thoughts, or anything silly like that, I'm just looking for things to be a little less direct- like with Celestia's 'sternness overriding her empathy' or some such thing.

>>103623
First off, thanks for the review!

>I can see it's a violent action fic
It actually isn't, if you can believe it. Something that I guess I didn't make clear in the first scene, for example, was that this was the first Loop—the closest to canon, as it were. The difference here was that the changelings don't hold back—they go for the kill rather than the capture, and start off the Loops (but not necessarily set them off) that way.

>Perhaps it has built up over several loops?
If by this you mean Twilight's reaaction, then I've made a mistake. My primary concern was whether a Twilight who—first Loop, no knowledge of what's going on whatsoever—would have reacted in such a way immediately upon re-encountering Chrysalis/Cadance, even in environment that's seemingly normal. Over the Loops, Twilight's actions and reactions will get increasingly extreme, so I'm basically using this as a baseline.

>Princess Celestia is turning totally hostile when provoked
I'm not actually sure what the problem with this is, so I'd really appreciate it if you could clarify this. In canon, when Twilight just accused Cadance, Celestia clearly held no sympathy for her, and just walked out on her without even protesting Shining Armor telling his sister not to bother showing up. Here, Twilight's just attacked her niece and smashed her against a wall while babbling something about changelings and invasions—if that's no need for a harsh reaction, and possibly suspecting that Twilight may be mentally imbalanced as well, then I don't really know what would be.

Anyways, thanks again! It seems that you liked this version of the chapter better than the previous one, which is great.

>>103602
I've got to head out for now, but I'm glad you're intrigued! I guess I'll stick it in there for you to take a look.

-Golden Vision

>>103623
Gah; something else that I forget to ask. What do you mean by "more depth"? If it's emotional depth, then I'm unsure if you mean to have more characters' PoVs represented, or else that I'm getting them OOC. Twilight's definitely going to be thinking about her choices, and like most Time Loop stories, will focus on how other ponies react to changes in the Loops. Again, though, I'm not too sure by what you mean by needing to "dig a little deeper".

This fic will most empathetically not be an action fic; in fact, the focus will be on the psychological trauma that Twilight and later the rest of the Mane Six gain upon being in the Loops for so long. Of course, I wouldn't bring that up this early, but I hope you can see my general point.

>>103625
>Celestia clearly held no sympathy for her

Oh, now, sugarcube.

Mama alicorn was ANGRY. Doesn't mean she doesn't still love bad Twilight. There's so much implied in "you have a lot to think about", that was so well written. When we are furious with those we love, we'll react differently than with strangers. In a way, the bottled-up, no-suitable-words thing tells a story.

>>103629
You're getting them OOC. The ponies usually have a little more going on, in a multi-level way. Like all the times Dash is putting on a front while being frightened or worried of being thought an egghead- or how AJ and Dash tease me cruelly before the Running Of The Leaves while clearly meaning it in an affectionate way, from my reaction- notice how I'm BLATANTLY not reacting like they really disrespect me- like they're joking, kidding? Or, the way Pinkie is clearly paraspriting me in FPK half the time, seeing that I'm all skeptical and disrespectful of her, and blithely going on her way but with a real edge- like *doorslam* "Pinkie, have you seen Twiiight?" "Uh-huh..." she knows I got slammed in the door, but she's a little fed up with me, so there's a world of sarcasm in her tone. Doesn't stop her still being friends, she's just fed up with all the attitude.

That's the kind of depth I'm talking about, and it comes from having more complicated states of mind. It comes with instinct- you can't really put that stuff in by constructing it from raw materials, you just get a sense of 'Celestia is shocked, or hurt' or 'Pinkie's about had it by this point', or 'Twilight's panicky and jumping to conclusions'. I can tell when stuff's worked out too consciously because the subtlety isn't there, the mental state doesn't 'read' as clearly because it's like a kabuki mask.

>>103632
... Damn, not even I was able to see that far into Pinkie Pie's character. I just took it as Pinkie Pie loves to be annoyingly straightforward and simple, giving no more or less information than is asked for, to the letter. I'm very glad I came over and looked at this.

Tags: Comedy, Slice-of-life, random

Description: Sleep. Peaceful, calm, and absolutely nuts. When Pinkie, with the help of Pinkie, launches herself out of a cannon, she unleashes herself onto the dreams of all the other residents of Ponyville. It's going to be very long night.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28462/I-Dream-of-Pinkie

>>104387
Whee! This idea is always fun. It still is!
Dashie's gonna kick you into next week for making her a turtle, though!
Hey, Angel is a nervous stallion? *snicker* Fluttershy! Sublimation, much?
*SNICKER* oh, Rarity! At least candy is just bad for my teeth!
...
Okay, how come you're soooo good at sounding like Discord, huh? Everything else was just okay and silly and fun, and then when Discord shows up, it's like he's THERE. It must be 'cos your slightly childish tone goes with his dialogue perfectly! I hear it in his voice, BIGTIME. It's creeeeeepy.
It was really cute! Thanks for writing it! :D

(Okay this looks like great fun, so hope you don't me putting a request in. I've got on waiting in the Training Grounds)

---

Hello Everypony,

I'm Dice, a new writer around here and well... You see I think there's something going on between Applejack and Rarity. Did you see the way those two were after staying over at Twilight's for her first slumber party? You know how the song "Opposites Attract"... Yeah.

So anyway, I was hoping that maybe Rarity, Applejack and their friends could take a look at my first attempt!

Thanks,
Dice

---

Title: The Jewel of Reinsburg
Tags: Romance (Sweet & Sappy), Adventure
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28338/The-Jewel-of-Reinsburg

Synopsis: When Rarity invited Applejack to spend a beautiful summer's day together, in order to talk to her about a personal and delicate matter, neither pony could have imagined it would be brought to an abrupt end by a Prince from the neighboring country of Saltlickenstein inviting Rarity to his magnificent jeweled city to commission her fashion skills.

The regal and charming Prince Lazuli sweeps Rarity and her friends off to his beautiful kingdom, but as things start to go horribly wrong for the unlikely friends it's up to Applejack to uncover and stop a sinister plot and stop a ruthless villain.

But can she do it in time to rescue the elegant purple-haired Unicorn? And can she face her fears of destroying their friendship forever for the sake of something even more special between the odd-couple?

Turn off your brain, grab your popcorn and get ready for a cheesy romantic adventure!

Other: There's a lot here (split into several chapters) so please feel free to read the first chapter and see if you enjoy it. :)

>>104390
Well, now, let's have a look at this lil'... oop! This thirty thousand word epic! Jes' teasing, some folks like Short Skirts do that in a chapter. Mind you, I can't read his recent updates 'cos it's too slack of a pacing, so you takes your chances...

Hm. Pickin' stuff from my mane is always tricky on account of no HANDS. Spittin' twigs every which way... ain't nothin' discreet about it.

For heaven's sake, Rarity's about ta propose to me? From the way we was actin' I reckoned we was up each other's hoohas most weeknights! Well, one thing about it, that proves that you can write me and Rarity as a romantic couple when the time IS right to do it, because I found it pretty convincin'.

Shucks- I don't even need to read past th' first chapter. I like you, Dice, and I leave off th' reading knowing that I would cheerfully carry right on and keep goin'. I think your setup worked.

That is not to say it's perfect writin'! I stumbled over a bunch of line-editor stuff, from the trickiness about very human actions mapped onto four-legged ponies, to outright word mistakes. Always go over your stuff again- if you got it that close to really tight writin', you can probably sort out some of the details if you're tenacious. I like to put my stuff on FIMfiction and look at it with edit mode off- the font, line flow, everything are different, and sometimes I see stuff I didn't see before.

But the main thing is, I can feel where the story lives, and I can feel where each character wants to go, as well as guess (from your teaser) what's liable to get in the way. I call that a good job, so you keep on keepin' on, y'hear? Always work that contrast between surface things and the inner feelings- the more subtly you can work it, the more readers start treatin' you like some kind of magician, because that is the way to give them these epiphanies they weren't expectin' to have.

And that is a fine thing to do with the written word- first, feel and express feelings, and second, enlighten rather than jes' surprise. If you can work them underlyin' things, you can enlighten, and I believe that is good for readers- not just entertainin' but actually good for them as people. If you can lead them to think about the hearts of others- well, ain't much more worth doin'.

Cheers, and get some editors to work on your mane until it's even more presentable :)

>>104391

Well shucks, thanks AJ. ;)

Should probably make it clear you're picking those twigs out with your mouth huh? Seeings as most earth ponies tend to use teeth for the tricky stuff like that. :)

Way I see it that Rarity she's one for the dramatics and confessions-of-love and all that. Maybe she is a little over-the-top... Hmmm...

And I've got some folks helping me with my grammar and errors and I've tried to go through it loads myself, I'm not the best technical writer but I'm learning and with their help I think I can get it nice and spiffy!

I'm glad you enjoyed it and thank you for taking the time to review it! I really appreciate it!

~DP

would characterization from Hearth's warming eve count?

>>108173
Don't see why not. Ponies is ponies. Besides, them Hearth Warmin' ponies were really us.

Was wondering if you could take a look at this attempt at a fic. It's still pretty rough around around the edges, but I want to make sure I'm on the right track with my characters; it's the most important part of this particular fic.

Tags: [Sad] (I do love my sadfics)

Synopsis: Twilight starts her day preparing for the celebration of an event very important to her and her friends... but things do not work out the way she wanted them to.

A newcomer has torn her world asunder, and she has to figure why he's done it. For some strange reason, he keeps calling her an idea, and saying he's the one who made her. [This is pretty rough too, if there is anything about it that sticks out as bad, please say so.]

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZvOH8yYhiTIbDDgPm23d7k0pMnWIVwCGf-OmQCcmX_o/edit?pli=1

>>108546
...
Sugarcube, you're like some unholy hybrid of shortskirtsandexplosions, and RobCakeran53. Everything you're doin' here is on th' conceptual level, and that's the shallow end of th' pool. You don't do a thing to legitimately draw a reader into the story- from th' word go, you're introducing Twi and then she's 'the unicorn' right away- distancing. Anytime you do get involving with her, even if it's cheesey, you cut away to the author being worried that his puppet will be sad. WHY? That ain't the Twi I know. Your basic character writing hasn't risen beyond your beginner fic-writer level because you're not asking it to- you're intentionally putting everypony into bold primary colors just to make sure everyone understands they are themselves.

There's a reason FIMfiction's cracked down on meta fics- they're an intellectual stunt, and so's this. It ONLY works on the intended level, as a wildly 'meta' conceptual thing, but it's a 'My Little Dashie' in the sadfic sense because it's manipulative cheap date as far as the sad goes. ALL the work is bein' done by the actual show and our experiences with it, and you don't even trust that- you're telling us Rarity is a 'fashionista' and such. Everypony's a caricature of themselves- or a Cliff's Notes of themselves.

And the reason is, your basic concept is not giving them a story and a world- but taking it away, and then insisting that they embody some kind of grand inspirational spirit outside of their humble lil' lives.

Listen. You've got it all backwards. Spike doesn't sneer at Twi's checklists- he loves her. Fluttershy doesn't use Angel as an assertiveness trainer- he's like a little kid and she's wrapped around his little paw (but is doin' better, since Putting Your Hoof Down). She struggles constantly to NOT speak out on her impulses, not TO speak out! We saw what she really thinks in Suited For Success and Putting Your Hoof Down! An' much as I love Rainbow she ain't a life-lesson-lecture giver, in such a scene she's talkin' about herself and her perspective, not stepping outside herself to offer wise advice to Twilight. She assumes Twi will be fine. You get a pep talk from her if she wants you to do somethin' FOR her. (or TO her... *whap* ow! sorry, Dashie!). And why'd she not get mad when accused of slacking, to her face? You think she's that kind of confident that she'd just shrug that off? She goes ballistic when accused of bein' a dropout or slacker! Not even a flash of anger? From Dashie?

Pinkie's so off... you got her so consciously meta, so aware of her functions, yet brooding enough that she can be worried. Pinkie's like a bubble on a big ol' wave: she doesn't know how she does any of the stuff she does, she's just impulsive. She won't fret- she's the one with the confidence you impart to Dash, and if it gets broken down she swings just as violently to other extremes and then bounces back, like a kid, without a lot of reflective pondering. And she NEVER considers what she does to be crazy or not makin' sense. Those of us who know her know that to HER it always makes total sense and she's doin' it with total confidence even if it's wearin' a map on your face.

Rarity ain't bashful of her art at all, and she knows where EVERY scrap and ribbon goes- or she goes nuts! If she can't find a thing, we've seen what happens. All that stuff that looks messy? She knows where every single pin is.

I don't like the snarkiness and depressiveness of th' narrator/author. If ya don't like the tone of us stereotypical ponies and Twi callin' Spike 'number one assistant', write somethin' else- the whole POINT of the story is you're writin' it all so you got no call to git mad at Twi for actin' that way when you're makin' her do it in th' first place.

I have read this thing forwards and backwards now (as you can prob'ly tell) and I'll say this: you are gonna have some ponies thinkin' it's a brilliant, heart-wrenching piece of art. Them ponies need to get out more. And you need to get more sincere, and lose that distance between yourself and the warmth of MLP- you're gettin' hung up on the surface things, you're missing basic stuff about the personalities (not all of them, and not completely, but still), and you're constructing a stunt, not a story. You've put a lot of work into it and it's a good stunt but you could've left out all the 'heartwarming life lessons' stuff. The basic concept is cold as th' grave and dressing it up with sentimentality is a lil' gruesome. You're screaming from the rooftops, "All these ponies you love DIE at the end!" and making Twi understand it and accept it, and you can't even let her be upset and hurt, you gotta force them all to regurgitate friendship lessons about it?

With all that foofaraw about them DYING at the end I'd love to see what you'd do with a sequel. Boom, suddenly Twi is 'alive' again, probably well ticked off at the 'author' for putting her through all that, and very skeptical of anything he says from this point onward. Hm? Can you 'hear' Twilight's annoyance, her voice in your authorly head, rather than just making up what it is she would say? How does she feel about bein' lied to? Or technically it was a half-truth...

Move on and write somethin' that isn't The Grand Big Idea With All Characters Summing Up The Essence Of Themselves. Ya done that. Call it a chrysalis, now having said all that, write on :)

>>108601
>Sugarcube, you're like some unholy hybrid of shortskirtsandexplosions, and RobCakeran53.
That got a laugh out of me.

Hmm, I'm still trying to wrap my head around exactly what you're saying. Is it something like, "Stop trying to be a philosopher and write about ponies"? This thing has been in the works for far too long, I suspect, and I've distanced myself from the reader's perspective because of it.

It seems this story is far too ambitious to attempt to incorporate all of the main characters of the show, so what I end up doing is just giving glances of caricatures of the characters. And my narrator is saying something to the effect of 'I realize this is a cheap way to make people feel sad, but I'm gonna do it anyways'.

Alright, I'll have to step back from this fic for a while and come back for a re-write later. I didn't want to make it about anypony's death, but rather their imperviousness to it. I'll do it in a more creative way, one that doesn't require the sadness/brutality of me killing off everyone.