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88548 No. 88548
#Reviewer #Canon #IC
Hi! This is the second editiion of the Applejinx IC review thread! In here, we take on a variety of fics that attempt in SOME way to use the mane cast realistically to the show, and we respond AS the mane cast, in character, talking about our depictions in your fics!

Applejinx has run fics on Equestria Daily before turning to a popular adult fanfic novel, and has repeatedly had new canon not destroy, but reinforce fanon- most recently in "Putting Your Hoof Down" which exactly echoed a recently-written chapter that took Fluttershy past what had been previously seen, un-discorded.

Applejinx's writing is at http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Applejinx (please do not discuss works not suitable for ponychan, here. A mature version of this review thread can be found at http://fim.413chan.net/fic/ if you dig for it)

This is a popular thread so let it stay mostly to writers wishin' reviews, and our IC responses. Remember, we cannot predict what will find favor. We've seen weak fics be charming, OC-led fics feel like canon in mood, well-written fics fail to have a heart- the worst that will happen is you get brushed off with a few words, but we can no longer assume ANY genre is truly off limits. (except clop: not on ponychan thanks!) If it's intended to be in-character and canon to the show, it's fair game! For crossover, assume we will neither know or care what the crossover is.

Let the ficcin' commence!
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 88565
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Hmm how do you feel about Conversion Bureau fics?
>> No. 88566
How heavy can shipping get before you'd consider it clop? Would really suggestive stuff be okay?
>> No. 88567
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That would be treated like some sort of crossover- we have no idea what Conversion Bureau is. If it has the mane cast in it and is supposed to be like MLP:FIM, shoot! It'll stand or fall based on how well it does as pony fic to someone who has no idea from Conversion Bureau :)
>> No. 88568
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It's not my standards that are in question here as you well know! It's the standards of Ponychan. So don't post anything that shouldn't be linked directly to on Ponychan, or take it to the FIMchan thread which is not restricted in this way!
>> No. 88569
um, ya know I think I'll wait then seeing as if the Mane 6 appear it won't be until way down the road
>> No. 88570
I'm saying... is something like:

{ "So, uh," he muttered, and he staggered backwards a little, "what exactly did you want me to do?" He ran his hooves along the cabinet drawers. "Like I told Big Mac, I worked as a secretary for the English Department back at the University." He reached up for a pile of folders, accidentally knocking it all over onto the floor. "Just let me know--"

"Oh, just look," the Mayor muttered, and she grabbed the eagle, "It's filthy." She reached over to the right and pulled out a washcloth from the side desk. "Can you polish these for me?"

"Okay," he replied. He picked up the washcloth from her hooves, and he rubbed it along the head of the statue.

"Polishing, is all about the feel, the technique," she cooed, and she nudged her hooves along on top of his hooves. He let out a little squeal, her delicate touching shooting tingles into his body. "You need to move forwards and then straight down. You need to pump." She thrust around with her hooves against the statue. "You need to rub along the sides, and then push."

"Uh, huh!" he moaned.

"And push!" }

That's okay?
>> No. 88572
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I reckon you can get away with any amount of that, especially if it's funny :) it's fairly clear when something is non-Ponychan. Sex, genitalia, horn-play, wing-play, all the direct stuff is off limits. Folks do all manner of 'sensuous' stuff without incident (drat, forgot to warn ponies about our aversion to second person- oh well, they'll find out)
>> No. 88574
Okay, then I'd like it if you'd look at these three scenes:

Titles are: A Nifty Little Number Like You (Part I) / Sucking on the Sweet Vine (Part II) / Hot 'n' Nasty (Part III)

There's no outright clop in this, and I'm pretty sure that it's safe for Ponychan.


So, anyways, the plot is that I wanted two things:
1)Ponyville has a drinking contest.
2)Miss Mayor is really sexy as far as cartoon horses go, so I wanted her to get shipped and I mean hard

>> No. 88575
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Gosh. I reckon that went up to about th' last possible moment you coulda still fit on Ponychan. I also think you like drinkin' jes' a mite TOO much, sugarcube, you ain't supposed to make love to that more than marehood! Somepony's got his priorities a bit mixed up! Don't get near Dashie with that stuff or I will kick you, she's impressionable.

That said- this don't feel exactly like Ponyville, but it does feel _consistent_. It's all of a piece with your main character there- the world sort of shapes itself to fit him *ahem* no implication intended! Y'all get me in trouble, I must be cautious. There isn't that streak of bitterness and hateful that destroys IC-ness, instead everypony tilts a little bit in the direction you need 'em. I think I come off most realistic, to be honest. I promise, I ain't got no still! But I reckon in your fic I do, and take the same competitive, hardworkin' spirit to it- and produce 'scumble' like in Discworld, that's made from apples (MOSTLY apples). I reckon in your fic my scumble rivals Nanny Ogg's, if you read Discworld.

I think as long as you remember to have your ne'er-do-well keep a heart of gold, along with all the other ponies, you'll bring a worthwhile new flavor of fic to th' world. And y'all best quickly take it to beyond-ponychan levels with that buildup, your story needs to blunder drunkenly into new areas just like the characters are, don't write it cautiously. I mean, go ahead and polish it, it could use plenty of that- your guy could be more warm-hearted for appealingness, there's lots of lil' writing details to fix including derped word choice (follow conscious/follow CONSCIENCE) and basic English usage (for instance, break a sentence with commas and you shouldn't capitalise the second half of the sentence, you used a comma)...

But on the whole, this is A Thing. It's alliiiive! Now you got to tend to it and grow it and prune it like a bonsai. You definitely got a thing there, even if it'll never win my heart 'cos it's really for drunk ponies who will prob'ly love the crap out of it. Go forth and finish it, and remember to keep everypony warmhearted. Good luck!

>pic related to too much scumble. erp!
>> No. 88578
Oh, thanks. It's always really, really hard for me to write for Applejack. I tried to have her come across as a fun-loving character that's also really hardworking. Glad you liked it! :)

Although this is more for the mane six, I was wondering if you'd look at his one scene from a larger fanfic. It's about these four colts that have a singing group. The lead singer is this young foal that's (a)dumb as a stump and (b)head over hooves in love with Sweetie Belle.

I thought about using Snails, but Snails doesn't have the angelic singing voice I was going for. So, I went with an OC.

Link is: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7337/2/Under-Every-Lamppost/Romeo-and-Juliet-%28Ruby%27s-Dream%29

That's chapter two of the overall story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T4hKqrfg0cfufOO57w8o7NwOoZCIm-IFxv6eTUJlxnM/edit

If you want to look at the overall story so far, that's great. But it's mostly OCs except for chapter two.

>> No. 88585
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Well, they ain't doin' anything. Sweetie isn't really in that bit. Not in our bailiwick- jes' cos' your singin' pony jumps on Big Macintosh like he's a prop doesn't really count as a cameo, and Cheerilee ain't doin' much either.

Your trouble there is that your singin' boy could be anypony. The challenge of workin' with mane cast is that they emphatically cannot- you get them wrong, boy, and folks will notice. You make OC ponies, especially if they're nice like Ponyville ought to have, and you have just as tough a task as the show writers, giving them distinctness without breakin 'em. We had a OC pony in here, got turned into a filly by magic. He was a real twink, but he didn't want to be a filly. It turned out to be enough to let him play off the mane cast pretty well.

I looked at th' rest of the story and am not happy at the hateful nasty backgrounds- this is a world where cowponies fight buffalo with pies and then make friends, remember. You don't have to make it too gritty, it's the aspiration you want to portray. It's a lil' hard to work out what these ponies are about, too- references to punches and wicked construction ponies, but it ain't like the feelings are too specific. You got to imagine the feelings of things more vividly, can't just fall back on
>I let out a set on angry growls as I leaned over. I smashed the hat with my front hooves.
Fellow's tryin' to snark about boss's remarks, but weakly, and then right away he's talkin' dispassionately about 'quivering and crying' and then observes this is common for those abused as foals? He ain't his own social worker, you're way too detached from the inside of his head, to the point where he feels real detached himself. There's no weight behind his feelings, he's jes' going through the motions.

That's about as much effort as I want to put into a pony where, since it ain't a mane cast pony, I have no grounds for sayin' any of this- it's just how it seemed to me. I jes' think, less justification for his emotion, and more OF his emotion from the inside? If you're not clear on that, time you learned, if you intend to write guys like that.
>> No. 88588
Okay... yeah, I'm guess the background to that story is more gritty and alternative universe-ish than the true MLP world.

Anyways, thanks for looking over my Rarity/Purity story. Could you go ahead and look it over again with this new chapter that I added? I don't know if you've seen the new chapter or not.

The link is: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IjqsCeD2dIXCd-SlLTvtq8tmJJSgL-o9iGX0AHNyCzw/edit

The newest chapter is: "Pure Beauty".

Anyways, I have some problems thinking about how this two-track romance (Rarity/Purity pursuing Twilight while Rarity/Purity is pursued by this OC stallion) will work out. I'd love any suggestions (such as stuff that they could do on dates and so on).

>> No. 88672
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We simply cannot feed you ideas, darling, you've already got so many that you've merrily taken up three slots in a row of our new thread! Whilst a prolific flood of creativity is fine and grand, you must remember that asking for guidance and writing are not the same thing.

Apply the advice Applejack has given you, about thinking more deeply upon the mental states of your characters and giving these states more inertia, and apply it to your 'Purity' story. I am pleased with some of my depiction there, particularly my capacity for putting on a bulletproof smile for clients that is not easily rattled!

I am not certain I would take such flirtations lightly- at the Gala, I was dead-set (madness!) on claiming that Prince Blueblood, though perhaps my shame in that debacle left me more inclined towards casual afffairs. I suspect the Platonic ideal of 'the perfect man' still carries some weight with me. As such I should be more inclined to this male pony, by force of habit- though to be frank, darling, he seems far from debonair, and I am not drawn to bumpkins on any level.
>> No. 88673
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>> No. 88674
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Ah. Ahahaha. Present company excluded?
>> No. 88747
>seems far from debonair, and I am not drawn to bumpkins

Yes, I was sort of afraid of that.

My idea of the Blackberry character is a sort of male Fluttershy that has very little self-confidence and is just about mild on social communication / social skills. At the same time, he also has a Fluttershy-like sense of deep, endless kindness as well as a strong intelligence. He's also very loyal and totally interested in fashion after Purity gets a chance to explain things to him. After Purity dresses him up in the suave ocean blue / sky blue sports-coat mix upon his bluish-purple body, he'll 'man up' a lot. I was also thinking that he'd explain his musical technician work to Purity, who'd feel very interested since I'd imagine she's a fan of intricate sort of 'baroque pop' music in the Left Bank / the Association / Beach Boys / sense. He might play Purity some of his own song ideas.

I guess the kind of romance that I'm going for is that Purity loves the idea of a stallion that would carefully follows everything that he says and picks up Purity's ideas about fashion with the same enthusiastic attitude of Sweetie Belle, but with the kindness of Fluttershy and the intellectual background of Twilight. Having a stallion say "tell me what you do that makes things so beautiful" is something Purity doesn't usually hear. What's happening is that Purity is 'making a man' out of him, but falling in love in the process.

Does that make sense?
>> No. 88923
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Got to write it, sugar- you can never tell what a concept will come out like until you write it. Your ability to jes' keep crankin' em out is a strong point, don't lose track of that.

Next year's Swiper will make this year's Swiper look like a plot, but you gotta write this year's Swiper to get to it- so off you go!
>> No. 88938
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Alright, this isn't a review request of sorts, but I just wanted to apologize for my actions and comments in your previous thread. I should have proofread my story better before submitting it and my indignation was out of line. I'll try to redeem myself with a better fic sometime soon.
>> No. 89176
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We can handle a lil' indignation, sugar. If it's too much, Pinkie might tease you with it or somethin'. Don't fret, just work on th' craft if you care.

An' if you don't care, get yer plot outta here!
>> No. 89180
Wow, I've never tried an individual reviewer's thread before. This looks like fun!

I've got an Applejack fic for review. It's an idea I want to explore, but first I want to set the tone and see what works. The main characters featured are Applejack, Twilight, and Spike. Can you help me, Applejinx?

Title: Redstreak Jack: Orchards of Time

I had a load of difficulty with this, and it still nags me to a point (no offence to nags, of course). I like the catchiness of the second half, and I want it to be "Jack" something or something "Jack", but "Redstreak" seems like the wrong word. I can justify it being there, but it sounds a bit silly in combination.

Tags: [Comedy][Random][Dark][Adventure]

It'll definitely have an absurd edge to it, hence the comedy and random tags, and there will be an undercurrent of menace to the whole business which will get stronger as the story develops and AJ gains more experience in time travel.

Synopsis: “Somethin’ tells me we ain’t in Ponyville no more, Winona.”

After being misled into drinking a mug of experimental tea in Twilight’s home, Applejack ends up jumping back and forth in pony history, and she doesn’t like it one bit. But the history books need editing: the stories aren’t following their original courses, and it’s getting worse with each century. Ponies are vanishing from their places in space-time. Now far away from home, Applejack just happens to fill a niche in a new discipline: time-travel rodeo.

With the guidance of Twilight Sparkle, who in turn is guided by Spike the dragon, who in turn is guided by a really snazzy Dewey Decimal System, Applejack must impersonate famous ponies from the past and re-enact the events that made Equestria history. It’s a tough job, but somepony has got to do it. Who better than ol’ reliable herself?

There’s just one catch: if she fails, Applejack will cease to exist.

With an assortment of astronomers, archaisms, after-eights, apothecaries, aardvarks, anti-ageing acid, atomic magic bombs, and – of course – lots and lots of apples.

Link: This'll take you to the intro:


However, it's currently unpublished. You won't be able to see anything without the password.

Password: RedShift

You just copy it as it is. There's no space between the words.

Comment/Request: Obviously, the main thing is character. I want Applejack and Twilight to come across as Applejack and Twilight. I've tried to make them both polite (while having Applejack justifiably upset at being tricked), and I've tried to make Twilight seem as helpful as possible to make up for the fact that she tricked her friend and twisted words a little.

I don't know if you review in Spike's voice, but he plays a small role in this scene anyway, so not much focus is needed for him.

On other matters, I want to know if the pacing works. My idea was to get straight into the action and add more details surrounding the lead-up later, but I wonder if it's worth adding in more details before the big plot event. In other words, does it feel a little too quick?

Also, AJ's accent. Is it too little, or too much? I'll edit accordingly, but ever since All of a Fluttershy I've tried to be conservative.

I admit the idea of using magic edibles to get the plot going sounds weird, but I didn't want a big ol' time machine again, and in any case I'm aiming for a level of absurd. Is it too jarring, though? Would you prefer a big ol' time machine?

Lastly, was it fun to read? This is very important! As much as this is a work in progress, I don't want that to be an excuse for sloppy writing. I want this fic to be as smooth and enjoyable as possible.

I am developing this on StoryForge 4.0, but since I've written up something already, I got the impression a full review would be suitable by now.
>> No. 89247
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Oh yes I think it'll be interesting to here what you have to say on the final chapters of cloudy stars.
Ch. 4: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7231/4/The-Cloudy-Stars/On-Azure-Wings
Ch 5: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7231/5/The-Cloudy-Stars/Pink-and-Red
Ch 6: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7231/6/The-Cloudy-Stars/The-Stars-at-Dusk
Epilogue: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7231/7/The-Cloudy-Stars/Epilogue%3A-A-Mare%27s-Tale
>> No. 89254
Does Nightmare Moon count for the purposes of this thread?

I'm curious what you think of my Nightmare Date story. Admittedly, it's a gooey and gushy wish-fulfillment romance involving Moon. The elements of harmony have partly failed, leaving the process incomplete. Yet the power of pure heart's true love can save the day and melt Moon's icy heart. Very gooey, I know...

I guess I'd like to see specific pointers as what what I could add or change to make things look better. This has ended up being the most popular thing I've ever written on fimfiction (which was a surprise, but certainly a pleasant one).

If you read through to the end, there's the readers choice in alternative endings. The fimfiction version of this story goes into graphic detail r.e. the sexual ending. Here on Google Docs, I've tried to have something like a tasteful fade-out and fade-in.

Thanks again!
>> No. 89255
Derpy Derpy

>> No. 89469
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Gosh, this is gonna be interestin'.

Y'all ever heard of writers name of Douglas Adams an' Kurt Vonnegut? How about Terry Pratchett? Lots of us writer ponies like him.

Seem like you're tryin' to BE like him- or like them.

Now, th' reason you can git away with it more than your typical writer pony is, you got the chops for it. Mighty little awkwardness. Ain't you written before? You write like it ain't your first time at th' rodeo.

The things YOU got to watch out for ain't quite what you expected. It ain't so much gettin' the characters right- that's all well within the range of 'readers can deal with that'.

No, sugar, you got to grapple with the same troubles Adams and Vonnegut had to deal with (not always successfully)- y'all so caught up in cleverness that them characters seem what Adams called 'feckless'. They're kinda blinkin', stunned, at th' goin's on in your story. They get sidetracked- th' bit about 'I always hated your apple cake' lost me, I'm not sure what point Twi was tryin' to make.

Twilight is your best match for this style o' writin', but Applejack is your secret weapon. Twi already thinks an' acts a lot like your style, gettin' caught up in details, but you need to enlist Applejack's aid so that, rather than the unwillin' victim of all th' time shenanigans and baffled by all them confused ponies, SHE has a clear idea of what she must do, she wants to do it, th' reader knows specifically what she wants to do and why, an' then she charges off determined to do it- only to run straight into an Adams/Vonnegut book where everypony is friendly and confused and not quite right.

Hell, son, I'd read that. Use that cleverness to a good end! Work it out like a mystery writer so that the endin' makes sense and let her win or maybe jes' get lucky... the thing is, you GOT to get Applejack's active support or the story is lollygaggin'. That's the curse of th' hitchhiker, and th' reason Adams wrote so little- he knew much of the whimsy he wrote was jes' wastin' time, so he had to pick only the best, and try to stretch out beyond that.

You got to do better than jes' cleverness. You got that down, you got th' characters good enough, now let them care about what's happenin' in such a way that they have some ideas of what to do. They don't have to be th' right ideas, but they need to have more intent. Even Twilight don't feel like she has an idea what she's doin'. I realise th' author knows she is out of her depth and so is Applejack, but you must remember that they ain't the author, so they get to have WRONG ideas and believe they know what they're doin'.

You just gotta be clear on the distinction between that and what's really happenin', so you can cleverly sneak in hints to what's really goin' on, and make it that much more effective when the character's ideas of their world turn out mistaken.
>> No. 89470
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Yep, I remember you- still much th' same, too. Sloppy-ass writin', nice knack for the characters, need to pay much better attention to th' technical side o' things. If I was line editin' this, almost EVERY line would have changes, sometimes big changes, almost every one simple mechanical grammar changes. It would be awful easy, which means you need to learn to do it yourself.

Stuff like
>"But my, um, doctor probably has the covered." Why? Why aren't you letting me go?
>"Heh, has your doctor won any awards in flying? No? Didn't think so. Besides, if he hasn't even taught you the basics he's probably not that good of a doctor.

which at the very least should be

>"But my, um, doctor probably has that covered." Why? Why aren't you letting me go?
>"Heh, has your doctor won any awards in flying? No? Didn't think so. Besides, if he hasn't even taught you the basics he's probably not that good of a doctor."

It was s'posed to be 'have that covered', obviously, and ya forgot the end quotation mark more than once. You got to tidy up after yourself, hon, them chapters is LITTERED with silly lazy mistakes like that. Go clean 'em, it shouldn't be that hard.
>> No. 89471
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Dang, you're a writin' fool, ain't ya?

My only comment is this- Princess Luna ain't gonna exactly take on the attitude of a high school mean girl. She ain't gonna call a despised subject a 'loser' 'cos that is an insult among supposed equals. She's kind of subverted noblesse oblige, more about exasperation than anger. Like if you had an infestation of ants, and you'd be all like "Oh consarn it, THESE things again?"

Y'all have written an edgier, crankier 'Woona'. Ain't canon fer beans, but that don't mean it ain't a popular take on our Princess. It's jes' that nobles REALLY don't think like school kids an' certain types of angst are jarrin'ly out of place.

Ya don't do the stuff Nightmare Moon did, believe the stuff she said, and then turn around and think, 'oh no, I'm a monster!' If she could do that she wouldn'ta done the stuff she done. She thinks she's hard done by and awful poorly treated, and is outraged all the time at that. When she came back to us, she tried to tone it down, but there weren't a trace of 'I'm a monster', it was still all 'How dare they mistrust my beautifulness!' and then, '*sob* nothing I do can persuade them that I am good, I am powerless to teach them the truth and still mistreated, even now!'

That there's important, writing our Luna. You ain't the first to derp it and won't be th' last.
>> No. 89533
Even if the story needs work, I have to ask you to keep going with it. The idea just seems brilliant, at least to me.

Thanks for the review. Yeah, I agree that I've pushed the Moon / Luna portrayal too far in the direction of a teen girl... although I guess I felt like I had to do that in order to make the story appealing (at least appealing to me). Oh, well. I'll try to revise the story and make it better.
>> No. 89823
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> Y'all ever heard of writers name of Douglas Adams an' Kurt Vonnegut? How about Terry Pratchett? Lots of us writer ponies like him.

Yep. I've read all of Adams' and Pratchett's books and I've recently turned to Vonnegut's collection. Vonnegut's a bit gloomy and postmodern for my tastes, but his advice on fiction is spot on.

> Seem like you're tryin' to BE like him- or like them.

Oh dear. Is that a bad thing? I wouldn't want to get too ambitious.

> Now, th' reason you can git away with it more than your typical writer pony is, you got the chops for it. Mighty little awkwardness. Ain't you written before? You write like it ain't your first time at th' rodeo.

Eeyup. On fanfiction, I wrote All of a Fluttershy, Baking for Humble Pie, and Through the Eyes of the Hurricane (that last one's been taken down for editing work). Even before then, I've been involved in writing tasks and projects for a fair while.

> The things YOU got to watch out for ain't quite what you expected. It ain't so much gettin' the characters right- that's all well within the range of 'readers can deal with that'.

Nice. I'm relieved to hear that. AJ was a tough one, because I didn't want her to come across as a jerk when she confronted Twilight about the trickery.

> No, sugar, you got to grapple with the same troubles Adams and Vonnegut had to deal with (not always successfully)- y'all so caught up in cleverness that them characters seem what Adams called 'feckless'. They're kinda blinkin', stunned, at th' goin's on in your story.

Oh. Is it something I need to correct now, or just something to watch out for in the next chapter or two? It's a new adventure, so I figured they are (or AJ is at least) going to be a little unclear for a while. I can give AJ a little character development by having her become more determined to help out, and then have her effectively take charge of the matter. The whole point of Twilight's guidance was to stop AJ becoming clueless every time she went somewhere new.

> They get sidetracked- th' bit about 'I always hated your apple cake' lost me, I'm not sure what point Twi was tryin' to make.

She pretended to lie so that AJ would get upset, thus proving Twilight's point that AJ doesn't handle lies very well. Notice that she immediately points this out when AJ asks her (in a shocked voice) if she'd been lying this whole time.

> Twilight is your best match for this style o' writin', but Applejack is your secret weapon. Twi already thinks an' acts a lot like your style, gettin' caught up in details, but you need to enlist Applejack's aid so that, rather than the unwillin' victim of all th' time shenanigans and baffled by all them confused ponies, SHE has a clear idea of what she must do, she wants to do it, th' reader knows specifically what she wants to do and why, an' then she charges off determined to do it- only to run straight into an Adams/Vonnegut book where everypony is friendly and confused and not quite right.

I'm not sure what you mean here. Is this how AJ should be from the get-go, or should I write her like this in the next chapter? I don't want her to come across as too easily persuaded, hence all the shenanigans with Twilight's trickery and Twilight having to explain that she's making it as easy and smooth for her as possible (barring one or two hiccups).

> Hell, son, I'd read that. Use that cleverness to a good end! Work it out like a mystery writer so that the endin' makes sense and let her win or maybe jes' get lucky... the thing is, you GOT to get Applejack's active support or the story is lollygaggin'. That's the curse of th' hitchhiker, and th' reason Adams wrote so little- he knew much of the whimsy he wrote was jes' wastin' time, so he had to pick only the best, and try to stretch out beyond that.

> You got to do better than jes' cleverness. You got that down, you got th' characters good enough, now let them care about what's happenin' in such a way that they have some ideas of what to do. They don't have to be th' right ideas, but they need to have more intent. Even Twilight don't feel like she has an idea what she's doin'. I realise th' author knows she is out of her depth and so is Applejack, but you must remember that they ain't the author, so they get to have WRONG ideas and believe they know what they're doin'.

My idea was that Twilight is "still investigating" the source of the history crisis, and she's being honest with AJ by just saying what she does know and getting to the point that's relevant to AJ.
I can take the wrong ideas thing and use it as a red herring later on, though, if that's what you're suggesting - for instance, Twi thinks it's one thing, they get a chance to correct it, only to make it worse because it's actually something else.

> You just gotta be clear on the distinction between that and what's really happenin', so you can cleverly sneak in hints to what's really goin' on, and make it that much more effective when the character's ideas of their world turn out mistaken.

Yes! Thanks for the suggestion. I'll get to work on it.
>> No. 89824
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>I can take the wrong ideas thing and use it as a red herring later on, though, if that's what you're suggesting - for instance, Twi thinks it's one thing, they get a chance to correct it, only to make it worse because it's actually something else.

You've got to be the judge of that. I'm only sayin', and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, you've got to start off with a clear and obvious direction EVEN if you're going to subvert it later. You should be able to explain the hook in a lil' bitty sentence, that's what they call an elevator pitch. Even a maze has a clear entrance- to even get people into your maze you got to make the walkin'-in point dead obvious. They can be confused and baffled later, after you got 'em in there thinking they know what's happenin' :)
>> No. 89828

> You've got to be the judge of that. I'm only sayin', and I mean this from the bottom of my heart, you've got to start off with a clear and obvious direction EVEN if you're going to subvert it later.

Is it not clear at the moment, then? I thought the talk scene between Twilight and AJ would have been clear enough.

I don't want to keep eating up space on your thread for a discussion on one fanfic, so I'll be brief: is this opening fine as it is, or does it need a rewrite?

Sorry if I come across as curt, but like AJ I prefer getting to the point. I do think this is a key point you've brought up, though.
>> No. 89832
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I don't know exactly what AJ is supposed to be doin', or exactly what Twi thinks is happenin'.

I know it was somethin' to do with time, but my sense of the specifics is real vague, jes' like I saw how Twi was doing a 'tell lies to AJ' thing but did not get exactly why she felt a need to make that point right then. I get that her sense was 'somepony must be able to be cunning and tricky for this job' but there was no reason for her not to just say that. AJ would have to protest harder to justify Twi making a lil' demonstration.

You need to look over the opening of the fic and see what you can sneak in there to give more of an apparent direction. I ain't tellin' you specifics, just that I had very little idea of what the point of the time travel stuff was. I needed some kind of example, a specific thing AJ was to do, a specific event Twi sought to fix/prevent.
>> No. 89835
File 133121741020.jpg - (34.26KB , 220x265 , HappyDerpy.jpg )

Oh, I get it now. Thanks for clarifying.
>> No. 90338
I should warn you that this story isn't much of a story. It's barely a flashfic.

Title: Fabulous
Tags: [Shipping]
Synopsis: Okay. Y'got a moment to listen to my story? Well, it don't matter, 'cause I'm tellin' it to you anyways: My brother Big Macintosh is eloping!

It's under 600 words.
>> No. 90406
File 133147117837.png - (317.70KB , 566x490 , Screen shot 2011-12-06 at 1_43 PM 1.png )
Ain't rightly a story, is it? Are ya gonna write th' story? Trouble is, you could take the first, second, next to last and last paragraphs and just keep those- and it'd be better, 'cos it'd be tighter and more to th' point.

Whyn'tcha do that and then write the story part? 'Cos this is a teaser/prologue, not the actual story. Plus it ain't too clear whether we're s'posed to be rootin' for me to bring him back or not.
>> No. 90490
I'm afraid this is all there is to the story. Or, at least, this is all there is to what I'm writing. The story isn't quite about Applejack and her quest to find her brother, but rather, about Big Macintosh's actions in town and his running away to meet Hoity-Toity. I suppose this would work for an introduction, but this was as far as I planned. The ending I kind of chose by a toss of a coin--it was either that or "Your loyal subject, Applejack." I apologize for disappointing you again.
>> No. 90611
File 133154998265.png - (436.43KB , 583x622 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 5_27 PM.png )
Aw... well, keep an eye open for more ideas, an' do somethin' else! Ain't no sin if an idea don't lead anywhere. You should see some of the ideas I've had that never made it into a fic! Boy, howdy, it'd curdle your spleen. It all works out in the long run if you just rest up and then keep patiently pluggin' away when you got your hooves under you again.

See ya next time!
>> No. 91074
FIMFiction has the first four chapters.
Story Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15291
I've uploaded a partly edited version of chapter one on Google Docs.
Tags: Mystery, Adventure, Everypony, Diamond Dogs
Synopsis: Twilight and Applejack are kidnapped by a gentledog thief, their friends set off to return them home.

Equestria Daily Critique: "The word count is most definitely there, but it needs some spit and polish. The pacing is VERY fast in the first chapter, some parts are a bit too descriptive (like the train station), others aren't descriptive enough (Twilight and AJ getting grabbed), and while I can see that there's potential, it's not enough to grab my brain and go "READ ME!"

I'd say have an editor go through with him on Ponychan and see if they can help shape things up into a more normalized narrative. Like I said, potential, but it needs work."

Said critique I took into consideration and consequently edited Chapter 1 but have yet to apply such observation to the chapters afterwards.

Thank you for your time and attention to the matter.
-Professor Blue
>> No. 91290
File 133190017933.png - (329.93KB , 538x495 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 3_35 PM.png )
Aw, honey, it ain't like you got to stretch it out. Ya can't say stuff like
>The locomotive began transitively chuffing softly with an odd distinctiveness.

I can't work out what that zebra accent is meant ta be in the slightest, and twice in the first pages you've described somethin' with an adjective and 'ish'. Can't use 'ish' as part of a description 'cos it's like saying the narrator/describer is confused as a person and we can't have confused narrators unless it's on purpose...

Everythin' moves in derails. That first paragraph with th' youngish stallion... sky's dark except it's blazin' except the light is soft so it can't blaze. He looks north and south when we don't care specifically what compass directions the signals were, and ya gotta remind us red is prohibitive? They're down th' tracks but he left them in the signal house? You mean 'set them' from the signal house, but we don't have to derail to the fact that he had set them when he was there, it's not relevant to the fact that they're still red. He's glancin' behind himself (not some other pony) at the signal board, but not just any signal board but the one that sits under three clocks, and you tell us about the clocks an' we forget we're thinkin' about the signal board when you tell us the clocks are offset by an hour when them clocks were only there to locate the signal board you just told us he looked at. Th' whole night is blank ON THIS BOARD but we've already been distracted, and it sounds like a poetic statement and then we go whoa! you mean th' board! Then you tell us about other trains after you just told us there aren't any, and then you tell us it's good to have other trains at night because it doesn't bother anypony, and then it's th' nature of the call, it's resonatin' in this pony's mind but 'as he remembered it' so it's like, you mean the WAY he's thinkin' about it or do you just mean 'he just thought of this?' and by the time he's uneasy about this special train we are so confused we got no idea what's goin' on.

Slow DOWN. Far from movin' events too fast, you are fillin' every sentence with such a mass of tangential detail that it's tough to make out what's happenin'. You got a knack for pickin' fancy words that are ambiguous- 'momentarily' the train whizzed by might mean that in a moment it did, or that it TOOK a moment to do that.

An' don't you ever transitively chuff again, I don't care how softly you do it. Terrible habit.

You got a hell of a lot of strange ways to put things-

>kicking one in the face and clear off her person, only to be subsumed by a different one
ya mean 'subdued'?

>force of her legs pryed free the grip of the dogs, stifled by a surprise of a wad of cloth being stuffed into her mouth.
As much as it would be nice for their grip to be stifled, cloth can't actually be surprised even by MY mouth so this whole thing derps itself into a heap of WUT

>As much as her bitter effort tried, Applejack found herself being pulled out of her room
My effort don't do nothin' by itself sugar...

>His rage rewarded a square hoof in one of their jowls
What's a square hoof doin' in their faces? Bein' rewarded, apparently. This is jes' perverse..

>Dazed for only a moment as he lay on the ground in a pained stupor, the group of the offenders ran off
Comma means it's the group that was dazed, and that don't make no sense at all.

>The engineer of the broad and sleek locomotive slammed the throttle lever all the way out, ushering a tremendous *WHUD* of pressure to whelm the bulkhead of the boiler and a belch of gasses from the funnel.
How do ya whelm a belch? I gotta try that sometime. Without another verb between 'and' and 'a', y'all just whelmed a belch.

You GOT to calm down and try to write more sensibly. When you try to get fancy, it goes crazy and ya say crazy things. You're in danger of bein' one of them ponies who write stuff like 'Eye Of Argon' and it's all because when you try to git fancy, you got a knack for grabbin' the wrong fancy word, or makin' the fancy sentence structure the wrong way. I can't get through too much of it, I'm not here ta mock you. Jes' sayin that seeming fancy is NOT your friend. Look for more obvious ways to express things because bein' artsy is betrayin' you and gettin' you in terrible trouble.
>> No. 91293
>An' don't you ever transitively chuff again, I don't care how softly you do it. Terrible habit.

Thank you for the best thing I've heard all day.
>> No. 91349
I knew I should have either sought a better grasp of C.S. Lewis's narrative style, or tried to have it mingle with other author's techniques. Regardless I do see your point in my descriptive style being rather odd.
I have this problem that tries to hide itself as "being a meta-game" that I avoid using the same adjectives for as long as possible, to the detriment of my ability to make "clear and simple" prose.
>> No. 91350
I knew I should have either sought a better grasp of C.S. Lewis's narrative style, or tried to have it mingle with other author's techniques. Regardless I do see your point in my descriptive style being rather odd.
I have this problem that tries to hide itself as "being a meta-game" that I avoid using the same adjectives for as long as possible, to the detriment of my ability to make "clear and simple" prose.
>> No. 91465
Hello, love.Since you're being kind with everyone on reading their fics, I was hoping if you may look at this piece. This is an epic which was made to place a bunch of the canon of Equestria, with some of my features added so stuff flows, into a poem. (Think, paradise lost vs. the Genesis story, I guess.)

Here's the copypasta for the piece:

a)title: On the Origins of Equestria
b)Tags: [Normal][Poetry]
c) bearycool
d)Short Description: This piece is based off epic poetry, and the genesis of the world and the events that shape the present day Equestria; I.E. This piece has been made to describe in poetic format the origins of Equestria and how they connect to the Mane Six. Plot holes within the pony canon have been filled in by the author "Bard Clop" and has been summarized by his friend, "Gallant Hatter." There motto on this work is this:
Harmoniis, in medias res.

Note: Remember, the meter is lose and there is no rhyming. Also, if you need this, the word count at the moment for this is 1000.

Front Matter and Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/18JOAyQQxLQOsGUwkFwixKHwWQ6298mBCKt1no2J0PxI/edit

Note: Comments are enabled.
>> No. 91473
File 133202404303.png - (14.93KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_07.png )
Goodness! Please excuse me, I'm afraid
I've elbowed AJ quite out of the way
because I think she's likely rather worse
at properly discerning metered verse.
While yet I find myself discreetly puzzled
Well- how about entirely confuzzled?
The whole thing reads as if it's like a poem
Yet never do you bring the music home-
Is it your wish to play those tricky games?
Or in the end, is it, to you, the same
to hint at tones archaic and of history
but derp the crap out of the stricter mysteries?
It's wonderful how ancient all the words feel
And I can see how this must be a big deal-
Impressive to most anypony reading-
It's just that this poor unicorn is needing
Attention to the technical department
For after all, the tone and oldness part sent
me into transports of anticipation
And though you might well think it not my station
I cannot help but cry my maddened outrage
At reading on and on right down the fic page
Discovering no rhyme, no meter- I'm stuck!
Deny me? And you'll leave me hanging? WHAT THE F-
>> No. 91475
File 133202407174.png - (15.43KB , 100x100 , Applejack_100x100_28.png )
Whoa, hold on there sugarcube! Heh, excuse us. We get a lil' carried away at times, din't realise Twi was a poetical type. Ow, stop bitin' me, settle down! Dashie! Come help suppress th' unicorn!
>> No. 91476
File 133202414763.png - (11.90KB , 100x100 , Pinkie_100x100_39.png )
There once was a pony called Beary
Who played with the poem-writing fairy
He kissed her all night
But then he totally, totally dumped her in the end
And made our poor Twilight all sweary!
>> No. 91477
File 133202440381.png - (14.84KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_50.png )
>> No. 91481

Now, my dear, do not worry
there is a reason for my story.

I place this poem in heroic verse
and placed it like a story being rehearsed.

And of its meter, there is indeed a meter
a lose blank verse, a five to half a meter.

In its structure and many words
its like the lost of paradise, within its words.

Archaic phrasing, and enjambment like so.

Id est, the poem doesn't have any rhyme but it does have a meter. The meter goes from a 5 to 6, with one line being placed in a tetrameter for necessity. Stanzas are broken up in a paragraph format to place it like a story, and recall the poem "Paradise Lost."

It is of good intention, my dear
so do not weary, but assure my dear
that in its structure is a meaning.
>> No. 91485
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That's nice, hon... I reckon I don't hear quite the same, ya know, tumte tumte business, in your'n... maybe I jes' don't understand them things so good.

I know what a syllable is an' in your reply there (th' first lines) you got seven, nine, twelve, eight- it ain't ever quite th' same so I can't rightly work out how you'd even say it. And jes' readin' it, Twilight wants to gnaw off your kneecaps- Dashie, you keep sittin' on her, you hear?

I do understand them poetry things can be over-formal- maybe not the way Pinkie does 'em- and that Twi prob'ly likes it all rigid... stop gigglin', Dashie! but you might want to work on gettin' your rhythms down if ya think that really is five of anythin' against six of anythin' else. Or jes' carry on as you please, and avoid purple unicorns with poetical tendencies.

Especially, don't ya get into a poetry slam with our Twi. She'll ruin you, honey, for all her uptightness ;)
>> No. 91487

I'll be sure to write her a structured anecdote for each free-verse poem so each group can be happy on the matter!
>> No. 91488
File 133202597142.png - (45.96KB , 175x159 , Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2_43 PM 1.png )
Ya mean an antidote? I reckon she needs one by this point!
>> No. 91491

Well, I hope this anecdote WILL be the antidote for her, for I can see behind you that she is still insane. Boy, I haven't seen anyone like this since that Big Macintosh and doll incident. D:
>> No. 91785
File 133217225614.png - (564.90KB , 743x745 , The Apple Spectrum Promo Box.png )
Greetings. I wish to have a full rundown review of two fics of mine, both of which I deem equally important to my life as a Pony-fic author since they're also my mane (and only) Pony fics (unless you count some drabbles I made). Nevertheless, I'm new to boards, so I apologize for any posting errors I make.

Fic #1 is titled the Apple Spectrum; synopsis is:
"Rainbow Dash is called into action by Applejack to help Sweet Apple Acres during an event. During this, Rainbow sees the benefits of grunt work while learning what life would be like if Applejack stayed by her side as her friend. Her best friend." -copied directly from my profile on FanFiction.

What I really want hit hard is my grammar, punctuation and how well my writing is if possible. I'll be glad to receive a review either way.

Fic #2 is titled "Blazing Run through the Animal Kingdom"; synopsis is:
"Trixie and her band of show-stopping assistants travel to a foreign land tossed into chaos when the Giraffe monarchs' national treasure is stolen and the Canine monarchs are framed. Trixie must clear the names of the Canines before total war break out." -copied directly from FanFiction.

Stories are located on my profile on FimFiction and FanFiction under the username of Arby Works and links are below:

Apple Spectrum: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7642934/1/Apple_Spectrum

BRttAK: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7929303/1/Blazing_Run_through_the_Animal_Kingdom

Thanks for your time. Again, I apologize if I make any errors in posting my fanfics up for review, I have never used this type of board before and I'm new to this type of review process.

I hope you're doing well, thanks; Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
>> No. 91790
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Sugar, your VERY FIRST LINE is all over th' map as far as tense and construction goes. It says,

>Perched on top of a cloud slightly above a field outside Ponyville lies Rainbow Dash. Lazing around, she simply stared at the sky watching the few, higher clouds above float. It's a contrast of white and blue that seemed hypnotizing. Usually, she'd be napping, flying, showing off, or weather related jobs, but today, she simply spent it cloud watching.

If you have it in third person past tense like most published writing, it's meant to read,

>Perched on top of a cloud, slightly above a field outside Ponyville, lay Rainbow Dash. Lazing around, she simply stared at the sky watching the floating of the few, higher clouds above her. It was a contrast of white and blue that seemed hypnotizing. Usually, she would have been napping, flying, showing off, or doing weather related jobs, but this time, she was simply spending it cloud watching.

Here's why I made th' changes I done.

Them commas are because your 'slightly above a field' is a separate clause that's in the middle of your 'perched, lay Dash' construction. The tense of 'lies' changes to 'lay' because you're in past tense.

Second sentence is awkward as a hog at teatime with the 'clouds above float'. You can't start with 'lazing around, she' and end it up like that, which is why I moved 'float' into the middle of the sentence- she's watching 'the floating of the' because you got to set that off as a distinct thing that she's watching, not as yet another verb. She is the subject of th' sentence, NOT them clouds. That's why you end it with 'above her', ties it back to the subject of th' sentence, and lets this floatin' be a separate thing, the target of th' watching that she is doing while lazing.

Third sentence, ya derped the tense AGAIN. Can't have 'it's a - that seemed'. It's either gonna be 'it's a thing that seems' or 'it was a thing that seemed'. We're in past tense, you do the second one.

Fourth sentence you run into a bear of a problem- it ain't the 'she'd be', that turns into 'would have been' when it's past tense. It ain't leaving out 'doing' the weather related jobs- without that, you're saying she would BE a weather related job. She's weather related, but she's a delight, not a job ;) no, the bear is that 'today'. You're in past tense in the narrative mode. You can't jump into her head and share 'today' with her unless you said , "today, she thought" and went from there- notin' that 'thought' is still past tense and allows the thing she's thinkin' to be present tense. That's a lil' highfalutin' so I simply made it 'this time'.

Then as a final cap-off, th' way you missed 'Usually, she would have been' sets up another gotcha- 'she would be X, but she spent it Y' works a lil' bit, but going more past tense into 'she would have been' causes that to break, makin' it 'she would have been X, but she was spending it Y'. Spent is more past-oriented, like 'she had spent', and if you have it 'she would have been, but this time' you're now talkin' about a lil' picture of what's bein' done instead, and use 'this time, she was simply spending it cloudwatching'. The verb is 'was', and 'simply spending it cloudwatching' is the description of what she was, that time.

Sugarcube, I've said in th' first thread of this nature that I would not do line editin'. I seem to have derped that while relaxin' the defensiveness, and you've demanded attention to grammar and punctuation. I reckon I've shed some light on how grammar and punctuation works, but look at how long it took me to git ONE PARAGRAPH done. I ain't goin' farther. Get your mane more presentable on account of I ain't doin' line editing for ponies 'less it's for lots of money, because me doin' it for you is not going to help. Pay attention to the stuff I taught you here and look over the rest of th' stories yourself. WIth a bit of work you should be able to straighten out some of th' tenses stuff, and then you can come back and ask for a look at just the general feel of things, an' the characterization, which is more what the IC thread is about anyhoof!
>> No. 91795
How do you feel about post-publication reviews? I've gotten precious little criticism about my finished product, yet I'm hardly vain enough to think it's perfect. In particular, I worry about my characterization, as that's been a recurring weakness of mine, but it's hard to tell whether I'm being paranoid or whether my feelings are justified. You seem like the specialist for what's IC, so if you're interested, here we go!

Title: For Those We Left Behind

Brief: When her mother passes away unexpectedly, Twilight Sparkle reflects on a parent she neglected in pursuit of her own dreams. With only a little time left before the funeral, she returns home to piece together what she can of a life she barely remembers, hoping to make peace with the memories of a pony she took for granted.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15062/For-Those-We-Left-Behind
>> No. 91830
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I reckon your paranoia is why this is as good as it is... the reason you're not getting criticism is two things.

One, it's darn good. You really know what you're doin', and it shows.

The other reason is that it's on a theme that's beyond criticism for most folks, and you aren't doin' anything especially darin' with it. I believe your assumptions are very safe to make- there's nothing that rings false there. An' what do you ask of your reader? Nothin'. Only to sympathize with a very nice but over-studious unicorn who don't know her own family. You are not askin' readers to change, or to learn a thing, or even to draw a conclusion- just to feel sympathetic.

I see parallels with My Little Dashie- which from me that ain't entirely a compliment but I don't mean it as a slam. If anything, I think your story has more right to that spirit than MLD does, because you're tellin' a story without answers or conclusions, with no decisions that can be made, a helpless story where the answer is just to sit with it. It ain't wrong to persuade the reader to just sit and feel, in that case.

This is a mighty fine work that feels very deeply and concludes very little. Shows you can write your tail off, and that you've got a fine sense of control about it. Whether you write other stories that feel more passionately about things, is up to you, but this one came off mighty fine, mighty fine indeed. Be proud of your good taste- and be willin' to be a mite more daring when you write on other subjects, because this amount of restraint wouldn't suit every story. Not hardly!
>> No. 91831
File 133219170077.png - (15.15KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_16.png )
Yes. That's me.
I am SO calling my Mom tonight. It's going to come as quite a surprise. I'll tell her somebody I know's mom died and it made me want to check in...
>> No. 91832

Thank you very much for your time and thoughts : ) I'll keep my paranoia in mind, but try not to let it overwhelm me in future works.
>> No. 91885
Line editing tech talk + dialect = Color me impressed

A two-headed question (two reasons for same question):

1) This is more abstract than the Chicago Manual and less than Elements of Style. Is there a good reference for rules at the level of:

- no "today" in past narration

- "verb, verbing" requires that the actions be simultaneous
>I watched the cars go by, wondering where everyone was going.
- not sequential
>* Turning the knob, I opened the door.

I've been picking them up one at a time as people mention them (and deciding whether or not to follow, of course).

2) I come from northern New England, and
>Usually, she'd be napping, flying, showing off, or weather related jobs, but today, she simply spent it cloud watching.
only needs to be
>Usually, she'd be napping, flying, showing off, or doing weather related jobs, but today, she simply spent it cloud watching.

In fact, "she'd have been" sounds highbrow at best, and confusing at worst, since "has / had done X" always implies a completed X when we say it.

I'm proud of my dialect (ayeh!), but where can I learn the standard "narrative dialect?" It's not from around hea, nossah.
>> No. 91893
That's actually a participle, the whole -ing thing. A participle is not an action per se unless you add an auxiliary verb because if you don't you are making it an adjective (you can also make it a noun, but that's gerund...) so it makes any verbing without an axuiliary verb describe the quality of something rather than the action of something.

It's also a bit more complicated than that, but I'm just regurgitating the explanation I read somewhere here, think the samurai thread?
>> No. 91910
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You do have a point on the 'she'd have been', I had doubts on that but went with it anyway. The important part was the tenses an' some of the other stuff...
>> No. 91913

I would like to thank you in advance for considering my proposal.

Let me get down to this. I've got this fic I'm writing, which shouldn't be a surprise, considering the board I'm posting on.

I have been working on this fic since September of last year, and have tried to submit it to Equestria Daily.

They shot back that while the premise was sound enough and the spelling was fine, I had punctuation issues. I had assumed my naturally neurotic nature as regards spelling would suffice as a proof-reader, but it seems I am mistaken.

My real problem is that a lot of the things that would count against me on a formatting front don't even register when I read something myself. Thus, I need someone else's help to do this. I appreciate the efforts of anypony who's willing to help.

The link is here:

The errors are primarily to do with Chapter one, but there's no reason to believe that they won't exist anywhere else.

Thanks again
>> No. 91914
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Honey, almost every sentence you write in the beginnin' goes like- this, comma, that, period.

Also, you got a funny quirk I've never seen where you put the period, in dialogue, OUTSIDE the punctuation mark- like "I don't know why you would even do this". It goes inside the quotes, and that's gonna be a big deal to a prereader.

I've long been stuck with a bad habit where I use a period in sentences like this- "I dunno," she said. The end period works for the whole thing, so you use a comma and I keep using a period by mistake. I see you not usin' ANYTHING which is another screw-up- you put in a comma there, inside the quotes.

That should be enough to go on with!
>> No. 91915
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And you can't trust them on spellin' perfectly- there's at least one 'wierd' in there that's s'posed to be 'weird'!
>> No. 92091
Er. This...provides some problems for me.

I've grown up thinking that a full stop, or period as you know it in America, MUST go at the end of the sentence. Always.

It just feels fundamentally wrong to place the full stop INside the brackets. I appreciate your efforts, and I don't want to sound like an unappreciative fool, but I don't know how much I can do about this.

II just wanted to tell you that, so that you know what you're dealing with.
>> No. 92094
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Sugar, read any published book in any English-speakin' country. It's okay with me if you struggle with it- I struggle with my puttin' in a period after a short sentence followed by 'said' with its own period. I'm sure I'll go back and find I did it again after my current fic chapter.

But I WILL go back and fix it, because I'm instinctively doin' something less jarringly wrong, but still wrong.

Good luck, and I guarantee this is one of the things trippin' up the prereaders. Yours has the decency of bein' a simpler search and replace, anyhow. It's replacing ". space with ." space. My glitch has to also cover ellipsis and the presence of a verb after the ." which makes it a more laborious after-the-fact fix...
>> No. 92097
>sorry to barge in

>I've grown up thinking that a full stop, or period as you know it in America, MUST go at the end of the sentence. Always.
Sometimes an entire sentence can be inside quotation marks. So it can end on a full stop and then be inside some quotes. Try thinking of it that way.

Keep in mind that while it's American style to pretty much always place quotation marks after other punctuation, many international writers like to arrange this placement according to sense. So for example:

>"Today is a nice day."
Here an entire sentence is being quoted, punctuation and all.

>I don't know anypony called "Ditzy Doo".
Here only the words "Ditzy Doo" are being quoted, so we leave any ending punctuation in the original sentence rather than incorporating it into the quote.

>It just feels fundamentally wrong to place the full stop INside the brackets.
You must have had some frightening English teachers... who also apparently taught you the wrong things.

Here's a Wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quotation_mark
>> No. 92099
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Absolutely! You raised a really good point about quoting "Ditzy Doo". In that sort of sentence the quoted thing acts like a sort of word or object rather than a sentence on its own, like the word "trees" or "Fluttershy" but not like "Fluttershy is a tree." which acts like its own sentence.

Ain't English grand? More words than practically any other language!
>> No. 92101
Thank the lot of you.
I believe that yes, I do get confused between the placement of full-stops when it's an object as a quote. I guess I just sort of absorbed "this is how that kind of quoting works" and assumed "well, that's that covered."

That sort of thing happens a lot. Also, most of my writing comes naturally, so my style owes almost nothing to my teachers.
>> No. 92119
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It ain't a style, sugarcube. It ain't a style unless it's consistent, even if it's consistently derped. I did not get that sense of control so it didn't read as intentionally derped.

Don't let yourself be confused and don't assume. Write intentionally even if you're going to ignore what we say. Then it can be a style. The one thing you cannot have is confusion.
>> No. 92566
Uh, I don't know now. I was sent by EQD to get my fic reviewed (brutally and honestly) http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/ but now it said not to and I got "redirected" here. I hope you can help :)

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FKFq9kcHfWRyD0ocM-2Gx6O5Vjxiqo-f53Y-UDlpwZw/edit

It's mainly about an adventure Rainbow Dash has.
>> No. 92584
I hope it's not a breach of etiquette to solicit reviews for a story currently in the EqD pre-reader queue, but I've only just discovered your thread, the style and excellence of which leave me very eager for your response.

I'm at work on the second half even now, and slightly stalled on it, so commentary on the part already published would be a welcome burst of fresh brain-food.

>> No. 92605
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I will try! *chuckle* I see I'm th' first, alphabetically.
Oh, honey. This here is mighty ungraceful. Whole buncha sentences where ya left off the period at the end...
And Celestia's telling Dashie to deliver a package to "the catlike Amur Al'lad"? Not too graceful, tryin' to sneak in that information in the middle of Celestia tellin' her.
An' then, when she finds one of 'em, that's literally what they're called, th' Catlike, on account of they are like cats?
An' suddenly, it's Cupcakes, except it was a dream, except suddenly she's th' captive of a dwarf, except I ain't sure if it's still a dream?
Alright, ya blew it with Evil Celestia. This one ain't for us.
Here's what ya gotta do- go read it over and fix th' obvious punctuation derps, take out some of them dreams that just make it pointless an' confusin', and then go find more grammar-based reviewers, okay? We deal with fics that have that stuff already fixed, here. This is for the writers who can remember to put a period in, who are worried about their mane cast ponies bein' in character. What you done with Celestia is so out of character that it don't make no sense for us here, and Rainbow could be any pony the way you got her. Work on the basics.
>> No. 92614
File 133254512310.png - (12.28KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_25.png )
My! I didn't realise we were going to review horror stories! Kidding, I'm kidding- I think!

*read* *FACEHOOF* a frayed knot?

I don't know who you are, but this is charming. I don't like present tense when past would work, but it doesn't feel like it confuses you so I'll allow it this time... and the ill-fated gingerbread Sugarcube Corner tickles the heck out of me!
I do have to say, I've never thought of my magic as my 'hornlight', that was strangely put.

Is it an intentional joke that you won't name Lyra? I wouldn't put it past you.

Gosh. This is adorable! I particularly like the way your sections in purple are main cast ponies AS PLAYED by Twilight and Pinkie being silly. That comes through surprisingly well.

The one thing I would point out is that I have no idea where this is going, outside of more playing- unless Pinkie is going to smooch me after softening me up with a bunch of playing-with-dolls. If she did, I'm really not sure how I'd react, because my underlying concern about the essay is completely unaltered, and she's appeasing me by playing it off as silliness. That will be tricky. And if you're not setting that up, then I've got no idea what you are setting up, so that's what I'd single out as a weakness: your lack of clear direction. Yet it's so charming, I hardly like to complain about that. It could be just a story of silly playing and end with me returning to my work feeling better, and I'd be satisfied.

Also, though you are playing with tricky things like 'play' mode in a separate color, it's not quite effortless- I am still feeling the strain of 'let's try this, now this, now let's cut to Applejack seeming to pick up on the vibes from across town'. Your next job is to keep the charm of it, and restrain some of your eagerness to do writer stunts. Remember to be simple as well as clever, since you've got clever under control.

Thank you for writing something warm and charming! That will always please us in the House of IC Love. Anypony who's having difficulty remembering what that is, you should go back to watch some Season One episodes and it'll remind you...
>> No. 92624
im working on a fanfic here is a little bit of it
also, i dont know if you also wanna review this second one 2. just go all the way through it's less scary than the original
>> No. 92629
Ain't readin' nopony who posts like that. Skedaddle outta here less'n you can write "I'm", and end yer sentences with punctuation. Hyah! *flaps rope at stray pony* shoo!
>> No. 92717
File 133256939118.png - (87.12KB , 256x256 , BabyBoo-FIMFic.png )
Thanks very much for your response! I'm going to ramble some in reply, please do feel free to ignore it.

> lack of clear direction
I think you've nailed down the problem I've been having with the second half -- there *is* an intended ending, which was part of the initial inspiration, but now I see that nothing in the first half really points toward it. The way the outline stands now, the first half ambles along to the midpoint, after which the plot starts actually heading toward the conclusion. It's not a twist ending, there's no sudden swerve in tone, but the intended climax does involve an unexpected event, and some sort of foreshadowing near the beginning would make for a more harmonious story (there's a *teeny* bit of hinting, but I don't think it counts as foreshadowing if the only place it's really visible from is inside my own head).

Now that you've clarified the issue, though, I think I have the germ of a plan for making it work with the first part as is (barring any revisions the EqD readers might call for)...it might need to be in three parts instead of two, but that seems relatively painless.

> *read* *FACEHOOF* a frayed knot?
Terrible old joke, I know, but Spike and Pinkie insisted.

> I don't like present tense when past would work, but it doesn't feel like it confuses you so I'll allow it this time...
This honestly is the aspect I'm least confident about, but when I write I just keep slipping into it and it really does seem to be part of my natural narrative voice, whether I like it or not. I suspect it's because I write a lot of instructional or informational text professionally, and my recreational writing is almost entirely either scripts, chat posts, or game rules.

> I don't know who you are, but this is charming.
Nobody knows me, baby, I'm the wind. Er no but really, I'm just me -- an illustrator/web designer/copywriter from Austin, TX, who got drawn into Ponies about a year ago and frequently roleplays as a unicorn called Boo. This is the first MLP fic I've written, but far from my first writing. It's a pleasure to meet you.

> I do have to say, I've never thought of my magic as my 'hornlight', that was strangely put.
I use 'hornlight' or 'hornglow' often in RP's, and I don't *think* I coined that, but I know it's not in common use. Is it intrusive, do you think?

> Is it an intentional joke that you won't name Lyra? I wouldn't put it past you.
It's perhaps a bit to dry to really be a joke, but it is deliberate; what I was aiming for was the written equivalent of an animator slipping the Lyra model into the scene as the random doll Pinkie picks up. Come to think of it, it might have been funnier with a grey, blonde-maned pegasus instead, but that seems like the kind of clever you're warning me about. I'm tickled pink to have put *something* of myself out there clear enough to give you an idea of what not to put past me. :D

> Remember to be simple as well as clever, since you've got clever under control.
I shall take it to heart. I certainly need more work on the direct, emotional side of writing than on the game-playing, intellectual side.

> Thank you for writing something warm and charming!
And thank *you*, again, for help, encouragement, and may I say *flawless* character voice!
>> No. 93008
Not a review request, just curiosity: what's your Twilight think of Twilestia shipping?
>> No. 93018
File 133270994890.png - (14.24KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_19.png )
Depends completely on how it's done, I'd say. Serious, it's a study in power dynamics and nobility- VERY tough for ponies to carry off from what I've seen (which doesn't include some of the most notable Twilestias!). Done less seriously, it's a Molestia farce!

It's like anything- it totally depends on who's doing it and how they tackle it! I can't possibly have an opinion on just the overall category, because such things mean nothing. I promise, they mean nothing. You can do ANYTHING with the right angle and a fearless attitude, the worst that will happen is you'll get confusion and dropped jaws, if your topic is too strange.

Believe me, we in Applejinx land know THAT!
>> No. 93041
Oh, I'm firmly in the "Execution is everything" camp myself. It's just, from the way she freaks out at the thought of disappointing the Princess, to how her idea of the best night ever is to spend it alone with Celestia, I have trouble seeing Twilight not being attracted to Celestia. A deep-seated attraction that she's not entirely comfortable with... I mean, I can understand more mother/daughter or mentor/student interpretations, but that's always whispering at the back of my skull.

Anyway. Just curiosity as to your headcanon.
>> No. 93115
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If I have the cojones and the time to follow up Trixie's Magic Bit with a sequel, you'll find that out when Princess Celestia learns more about Trixie. Which is kind of to say that Twixie and Twilestia don't really exist in the same universe very well, because Celestia is WAY more useful as 'disapproving family' for Twi to rebel against, than as a competing love interest... but that's headcanon, it's not in any way a judgement on fics designed to be Twilestia from the git-go.
>> No. 93154
I apologize for demanding what I did but I really essentially picked out a list of reviewers and said "This one" in terms of, well, trying to get a review and my only excuse is I'm new and I was confused a bit since I've never used boards like this. But enough excusing myself.

I'm working on fixing the tensing which I'm able to see much better lately mostly because I'm in the middle of huge Literacy Test Prep classes and being enlightened to tenses.

If I wish to repost my fic, would I have to do another description of my own fanfic or just repost the link with the edited fic?

If I do repost it, please note that after that, I really do want to know how my characterization is since I have been told I'm good with but I only have a limited set of readers.

Please reply, Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
>> No. 93156
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Hey Applejinx! I've been watching this thread for ages with the desire of eventually posting something for review, and now I've finally written a story with one of the mane six in a central role that I don't want to throw in a volcano.

I guess I'd like some advice on writing Rainbow Dash and any thoughts you have on my portrayal of her. Mane six characterisation has always made me a little nervous.

I Dream of Daisies
"Rainbow Dash has been having a recurring nightmare for months and lack of sleep is ruining her flying sessions. At wits' end, she seeks help from a mysterious mare with a mysterious job – Daisy Dreams, Subconscious Investigator."

Doc link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QJhBu1SVrJUOfwgNAEx-XS4Sr9AN64cTujRKqUgFpIo/edit

>> No. 93172
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Y'all need to be enlightened to tenses before comin' back. Seein' as you have a clear path to improvin' and all. I don't care about your characterisation if the writing derps too hard and is distractin'.
>> No. 93173
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You gotta take a lil' more trouble over your re-readin'- you got Rainbow sayin' "I've heard she know all about dreams" and it would clearly be 'knows'. But so far, so good.

Gosh. You sure tapped into the grandiose, overdramatic spirit of Dashie! Does it go on, or was that it? I can tell you're tryin' for big big effects but your focus is on th' wrong things to really deliver big feelings.

Since we can't tell what Dashie's up to, it comes as a surprise and we don't get to sit with her feelings about sabotaging competitors. It's not really ABOUT Dash, it's just believable that Dash would have that sort of nightmare. There's a lot right here, it just don't deliver on the emotional stuff because we're sitting with a pony mind that doesn't get upset, so we don't get upset either. It's like a detective story where we don't know what happened and get told afterwards...

I would say interestin' and promisin' and showing a understanding of our Dashie, just maybe not the story you THUNK you were writin'. If it's a puzzle story you have to give puzzle pieces, and if it's a upset pony story you have to give in to the upset, rather than remainin' above it in the viewpoint of your dream-raidin' pony. But the audacity of the ideas you're tryin' bodes well for your future stuff! And it's already enough to interest and amuse folks.
>> No. 93175
Hello Applejinx, short time reader first time poster here.

I have a fic that I actually posted in TTG already, and it hasn't been reviewed yet -- not that I expect it to be reviewed quickly! However, what I'm primarily concerned with is characterization and staying true to the spirit of the show, so I figured it couldn't hurt to get your opinion on what I have so far. I'd also like some advice on how to handle 'crowd' scenes -- there's a couple places where I have a large number of main characters hanging out, and I'm unsure how much time to spend focusing on them at any given moment.

Ponyville Eleven

Synopsis: Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle is put in charge of the newest expansion team to Equestria's one and only professional soccer league. The fact that nopony in town has any real idea what it takes to be a professional soccer player is only a speed bump along the road to the prestigious Equestrian Soccer Association Championship. It's time to take to the pitch, and play soccer with friends!

>> No. 93180
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Whoa- be sure you're not writin' an RPG manual, sugar. Your reference book's name "More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Sports In Equestria" is a dead giveaway that you stuck it in there just because you could...

>Applejack was in the tail end of a short
blue pegasus?
>applebuck session
Drat! Well, work's never done, is it?

>Watch out below!
Watch out for replaying entire sequences from th' show- I ain't givin' you a bit of credit for a Dashie scene lifted directly from MLP episodes, word for word. I realize it's a soccer ball instead of herself, but still! You've got way too much of Dashie's words and actions lifted directly from the show.

Not really a great idea throwing in big font sizes just for another meme directly from th' show, and one even the show tries to avoid nowadays...

Sugar, you are drivin' me CRAZY with the grand theft pony here. It's like in your crowd scene it's goin'
>insert name of pony
>insert most obvious thing for that pony to be doin', if possible usin' a recognizable meme or line of dialogue from the actual show
>on to next pony!
You would honestly be better off lettin' them be out of character. It's like you're too skeert to be called OOC so they're goin' through th' motions. Pick things they ain't been seen doing, and things they ain't said, because the secret isn't to weld it that tightly to what's been seen- it is to come up with stuff where folks say "yep, that would just figure".

You're not true to the spirit of the show because the show doesn't stay stuck on its own memes and tends to avoid the most obvious recycling. That's on purpose, and it means you can't recycle stuff either. If you keep at it, you might find your ability growing- to come up with events and dialogue that still seems IC even though you can't prove it.

But you need to NOT be able to prove it. Anytime you can say "this is IC because she said exactly this in a different context!", that's where you turn around and say somethin' else. Be brave. Ain't nobody gonna eat you :)
>> No. 93181

Thanks for the critique.
>sports in Equestria
Haha, yeah...I kept trying to justify to myself how rules would have to be changed to account for ponies playing soccer, especially unicorns and pegasi, and got overly concerned with the audience picking it apart. On reflection it breaks the flow of the story and is unnecessary at that point. I can distribute that information in the next chapter, while the team learns soccer fundamentals, and kill two birds with one stone.

>Ripped scene
Actually, the Dash scene is one I wrote without reference, then when I was rewatching an episode a few days later I kicked myself in the head for directly ripping it.

The biggest scenes I was never really happy with were the CMC intro (I took the easy way out for getting them involved, I'll be honest.) and, as mentioned, the crowd scene -- I think at that point I was just looking to wrap up the chapter quickly, and let myself slip.

Thanks a lot for the comments, I'll see what I can do to tweak things up. I have a lot of confidence in my ability to write, but not a lot in my ability to write for established characters, so I think I've hobbled myself there. I'll try to be more bold.
>> No. 93187
>You gotta take a lil' more trouble over your re-readin'- you got Rainbow sayin' "I've heard she know all about dreams" and it would clearly be 'knows'.
How embarrassing!

Thanks for the review; it's given me some things to think about. I'm partial to the idea of writing more of the story from Dash's perspective and I'm increasingly seeing that there's a gap between how I planned to show Daisy and how I actually ended up showing her – she's supposed to be restrained and uninvolved, but reluctantly so. I don't think I've hinted at that nearly enough.

Anyway, I'll be giving some more thought to this story's execution and your review of it. Out of interest, I'm tentatively planning to write more Daisy Dreams stories, perhaps about one or two other mane characters.

Thanks again.
>> No. 93510
After receiving heaps of helpful criticism from an eqd pre-reader, I need some help to get my story reviewed. If you would take any amount of time to help a writer out, take a look.
tags: Normal, Comedy
description: After a mishap with Twilight's magic, Rainbow Dash finds herself split into seven different ponies. It is a very fun, normal story.

link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wupf_5GczAW6t1W9P1FqHB7nIReZI6ynMRRPRf1EsRk/edit
>> No. 93570
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Ain't got permission to read it, so it'll have to wait 'till tomorrow :) then you can fix the access thing!
>> No. 93658
Applejinx, I have a question about playing AJ out in weirdo alternate universes. I'm writing such an AJ myself, and I just got done reviewing someone else's.

Both of our universes are science fiction-- his much farther and more advanced than mine-- and both of us have cast AJ as a stoic tough-girl with a heart of gold. She is serious, driven, and independent, qualities which sometimes threaten to overwrite the warm nature we see when she first meets Twilight.

I see a little-- just a little of this in your own use of AJ. How well would it work for you to see AJ being stony-faced and all business? I feel like both I and the other writer I helped out are playing too much off AJ's role as a workhorse, a businesspony, and a self-defined mare, and not acknowledging her personality.
>> No. 93671
Must not stare at Applejack's beautiful, supple rear...
>> No. 93673
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Oddly enough I'm finishin' up a chapter on The Old Castle where it's become apparent that my AJ in THAT one is just that sort. Grim, over-tough... that fic didn't find the fans I'd hoped, but it's the one where I wrote AJ as the Man With No Name out of spaghetti westerns. In the first chapter she dies heroically and gets brought back, and in the second she breaks her legs and has 'em set without anesthesia (intense but not what ANY reader was expecting!). Still the only thing I've ever run on EqD.

What I'm seein' is that to do the less likeable, meaner Applejack, you have to lean on that fear from The Last Roundup. To be warm you have to be open, and AJ is capable of being too threatened to be open.

Prob'ly why it's taking so long to finish up that one (not that it will end up being a book length anyhoof) because it's not fun writing from that space- but it is indeed possible to write a grimmer, meaner Applejack. You just have to make her more frightened and defensive and she'll set her jaw and surprise the heck out of you with how tough she'll be. The challenge then becomes showing people that heart of gold- because you'll lose that, because the last thing she'll do is show it.

Pic related to AJ being too tough to be open-hearted...
>> No. 93674
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...less'n you write a FIC about it and bring it here for re-view!
>> No. 93678
Maybe it's because of the fact that of all the characters, AJ is the closest to a working stiff. She has a position of responsibility and it's canon that she quite regularly works her ass off and is proud of it.

We can clearly imagine her switching from her sweet canon personality to a jaded adult who's used to grinding through long hours of hard work.
>> No. 93681
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You can work real hard and still be sweet and open, there's NO correlation between that and bein' "stony-faced and all business". What you're talking about is being more closed-down and defensive, and that's through fear, and Applejack DOES know fear. Not fear of any physical thread, fear of being unworthy. Use that.
>> No. 93685

I definitely see where you're coming from as far as The Last Round-Up.

It may well be that I'm just too eager to characterize AJ as responding to rough times with stony resolve, which isn't necessarily correct in your view. This isn't an adrenaline-pumping situation we're looking at, it's her everyday grind.

I'm beginning to see a way to work "iron bitch" AJ following your rules, though-- pressure to perform just like in the episode. She has made sacrifices and she's had to deal with a lot to get where she is, so she sees herself as fighting to make it all worth it, allowing herself very little space to breathe.

Playing your rules makes me feel bad-- like I've created a "broken" Applejack similar to some kind of contrived sadfic about Pinkie Pie. I am trying to see her as humorless but not closed-off or unhappy. Just going on her stubborn way proving to the world that can take whatever it can throw.
>> No. 93688
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Yep, go watch Sisterhooves Social and then tell me normal Applejack is stony-hearted. Simply goin' with uptight badass-jack IS breaking her, and like I said I've fallen into that error myself (and need to remedy it). Stony resolve is always correct for Applejack but it's not so much true to her nature to get cranky and humorless- on the one hoof you have the Sisterhooves AJ who is beloved and warm and positively Mary-Sue about it, and on the other you've got Applebuck Season where she ends up losing all that humor because she's overstressed. It's a balancing act and you have to cover multiple bases with it...
>> No. 93690

*grumbles something about the chapter's already finished, dammit*

I did a lot to make the AJ-analogue character open even if she's not warm.

A few reviewers liked this character even if not all of them recognized her as AJ-- I've given her a strong set of attributes, she's what I think is a "good" character, but at the same time this conversation has opened me to the possibility that I'm screwing canon.

Hell, I've always got the excuse that she's different or that her experiences have changed her, but fuck that-- "different, yet the same" is the whole idea, and if I've failed at that...
>> No. 93696
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Well, I ain't even seen this fic so how could I say you failed? Slow down, ya renegade Dashie, don't panic. I'm just doing what you asked- saying what the issues are around writing Applejack overly badass. Having done it myself I can tell you that folks don't mind, but they'll turn around and think YOU don't like AJ if you do that...
>> No. 93724

I know I executed this character well. I'm only concerned that I did it without taking a hard enough look at canon AJ, Also, it is hard for me to explain how happy I am being designated a 'renegade Dashie.'

I feel like I've handed you this once before, but it has gone through some intense editing so perhaps it'll still be almost sorta fresh to your eyes.

>> No. 93727
File 133303934437.png - (213.69KB , 480x419 , Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 3_10 PM 1.png )
Aw, you din't tell me that this is NOT actually Applejack, but an OC designed to have many similar qualities. You can do as you like with her- but I will say, she seems likeable. Hang onto that, since you want it. I don't think you need to make her hug anypony or nothin'... you should be good.
>> No. 93734

She's the element of honesty, and i'd been tossing ideas for how the m6 might actually be alive or reborn here, but I'm close to tossing that concept.

I'm much less worried about writing other pony analogues with the exception of Flutters who I really don't feel. How was my Twilight-analogy, then? My prologue OC?

Well, you've already done a lot for me. I enjoy talking to you about this stuff- it's clear that you've earned your acclaim. Really, thanks for your time and attention.
>> No. 93744
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Oh, now. Ain't no ACCLAIM. It's strictly "so have you written that chapter of The Old Castle yet? so did you start the Trixie sequel?" If I just stop, no ripple will be made.

It's honestly more meaningful in some ways to be able to run a crit thread and help guide other writers. Which is not to say I'll quit writing- just that I get as much out of this, because I am hardwired to forget and ignore 'acclaim'. I literally copy down some stuff people say and save it. There will be times I'll need to look at it again...

As for the Twi-analog, I didn't spot her, but you realize I'm not supposed to- I wouldn't have spotted the AJ without you telling me to look for that. Don't let it worry you. That parallel is largely to guide you, but filtered through you it comes out somewhat different- even when you give 'em the canon names and write 'em directly.
>> No. 94736
File 133334725804.jpg - (200.27KB , 1164x1600 , Trinity Poem Cover.jpg )
Sadly, no rhyming in this one either, but meh. T

Name: The Trinity Poem
2. Bearycool
3. [poetry](I consider that random). [adventure] [tragedy]

4. Before the battle with Discord, three discourses between the three immortals were made in secrecy. An unknown poet was granted a vision to reiterate the words of the discourses in a poetic stance. In each discourse lies the prophecies of future events in Equestria, the madness of Discord, and the subtle clues of Nightmare Moon coming into the world.

5. Google docs link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14cn7nkNGhNLT0hQo5FcpUgUlSoiLKTuuwpoxNG2ojK0/edit

Fimfiction link:

6. All of it, which is only about 2.9K words worth of reading (after all, it is only a poem: a long poem, sure, but a poem).

Background Stuff for the Reviewer:
1. It's a poem, and it's about 2.8K in length.
2. American English. (Because I hate s's and I love z's.)
3. Meter of the poem changes from a pentameter, to somewhat structure meters, to free verse depending on who is speaking. I.E. if Discord is speaking, everything is going to look chaotic and if Celestia or Luna are speaking then it's more structured.
4. Enjoy.
>> No. 94748
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I'mma jes' pretend it is flat out free verse on account of you got no idea where word stresses go anyhoof...

As such it reads interestin'- even though you think you're doin' formal meters and you ain't, it IS still a kind of poetic 'voice', no mistakin' it for traditional literature. It's saga-like.

There's a LIL too much 20th century turns o' speech in there. And *snrk* Lunacord shippin'? I believe that is not actually so out of line for the style you're doin' but you got to pick between that earthy stuff and the 'holy'- or maybe not, maybe you're fixin' to be Dante, an' cover the whole range.

Your Discord ain't canon because he's more motivated by desire to be evil, rather than bein' the petulant child he is- but it works for your poem.

Oh, and also- you do realize this stuff would be great to read out loud, right? You need to find a tame voice actor (or become one) and ham up some performances of this for YouTube, might do real good for you. I see big scenery-chewin', overdramatic readings in your future. It won't have a rhythm to it like Shakespeare but it'll have the bigness and the theatricalness to it, and I can tell right away it would be FUN to read..
>> No. 94794
Title: PLADES (aka Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords)
Tags: [Comedy]
Length: 5000 words

Teehee, I'll just repost this here. A polished up version of the /fic/ write-off entry.

Synopsis: Pinkie is convinced her party is losing their legendary status. To this end, she will search to the ends of Equestria for the legendary artefact that will be sure to guarantee her place as the one and only party pony.


So, a review, pretty please? Filler has already pointed out some of mechanical errors, but any errors you might see later is solely my fault.

Main concerns:
- Plot feels forced.
- Pinkie might come off as that annoying kid who somehow got her way.
>> No. 94920
File 133345182358.png - (14.76KB , 100x100 , Pinkie_100x100_09.png )
You need to get out more!

And if you're going to write a story about crazy Twilight you should call it 'Crazy Twilight dresses up as Pinkie and pretends to be Indiana Jones'! I would like totally read that!
>> No. 94921
File 133345242571.png - (45.96KB , 175x159 , Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2_43 PM 1.png )
Uhhh... I think what Pinkie's telling you is, that's not her there. Which it ain't- you done totally missed her generosity, she's better than that. And she's really one of the most clued-in of us, she's jes'... special about how she expresses it, which is to say usually she can't explain things too good.

Dang if I can figure out why th' Cakes have the real special sword of whatever, or why Pinkie's cluelessly stole a prop sword unless it's to make her look stupid, which she ain't. I guess I just got a bad feelin' about any fic that sets out to make Pinkie look stupid and disliked. What's goin' on with that, sugar? Figure she should be taught a lesson? One thing about Pinkie, though, is that she'll shrug that off more easily than, say, Dash. Oh, my goodness, Dash... Pinkie will just write you off as an idiot and be nice to you anyway.

I reckon you ain't done the best Pinkie ever, if you have to ask if she is too much like a selfish brat. Annoyin' is different. Pinkie's well illustrated in Luna Eclipsed, where she's super annoying and difficult and turns out to firmly understand the underlyin' truth of everything but is hamming it up because she assumes everypony ELSE is up to speed too...
>> No. 94922
Duly noted. Which is why I am sending this in for review, no? Heh heh.

I had this feeling I was portraying Pinkie as being overly hyper and insensitive, so to speak. Looks like my fears are true. Ah well, it wasn't my intention to portray her to be disliked, merely amusing to watch. I apologise if it came out that way. (Which in hindsight, it does.)

Time for to plot a rewrite if feasible, though I think I might just drop it off in FimFiction as a failed writing project instead.
>> No. 95012
May I cut in?

First thing, Pinkie music.

Don't give up yet.

Pinkie goes on a quest for an epic artifact of party? Good!
Pinkie in a party funk? Good!
Jumping in a character's head to reveal that she's manipulating Pinkie? Uhh, not sure if want. It kinda short-circuits my speculation, but that's an easy fix.

Most of the story is okay. The problem is motivating it.

>I will get that sword, if it’s the last thing I do! Nopony will be better at parties than I am!

That's not Pinkie, or even Twilight.* Nope, you're right in Trixie-land, or Applejack, or maybe Dash if she gets confused enough.** Like the song says, Pinkie really wants to make ponies smile, and it's not for some ulterior motive of proving her self-worth or whatever. Twilight and Fluttershy really are similarly pure-hearted. Dash, too, when she remembers to be.***

Pinkie has great faith in the power of a good party. But, at the same time, she is a master of adapting and thinking "inside the chimney." Parties aren't working? She's gonna try something else. (Pranks? Stand up comedy? Reading their secret journals to orchestrate elaborate set-ups to force them to confront their inner demons, all filmed live a la Jerry Springer?) Except, maybe she gets so caught up in thinking up ideas herself that she doesn't slow down enough to hear what her friends are saying. And there's your aesop.

So, instead of having one crazy sidequest that's well developed, maybe she should have several ones that don't have to make sense.

*See: "Boast Busters", also "Winter Wrap Up." Stealing the limelight isn't much of a temptation to her. Seeing a non-existent problem, instantly formulating a solution, and executing it with the same gleeful disregard to reality as a charging bull (with! a! checklist!)? Oh hell, yes. The way Sword!Pinkie instantly latches on to a plan and sticks to it is very Twilightish; Pinkie should charge in, but rewrite the plan every step of the way.

**If there were a magic artifact that makes Dash fly well enough to get into the Wonderbolts without trying, would she want it? Or would it make her feel obsolete? Imagine something similar for Applejack, that would ensure that the ponies she loves are always taken care of, even if she's gone. Would she want that? That's what I mean: Dash has to be confused about what she wants before she starts "cheating" like that, where AJ and Trixie are more likely to be satisfied by results.

***I like to think that growing up in a very competitive climate has taught her to place value on "winning" when her true heart's desire is more for a Tao-Te-Ching-style effortless mastery.
>> No. 95024
Thanks for the encouragement. But as it is, I need to take a step back and distance myself from the fic for abit.

For one, it shows that I may be misreading Pinkie's character the whole season. (I'll be honest, the veiled insult that I'm a bad person for writing this killed my motivation to ever touch this again.)

For another, your ideas, though great, would require a complete rewrite which I am not quite prepared to do, and would change the character of the fic greatly that it would not resemble the original in any way. In that case, I would better off writing another fic from ground up with the same aesop. (And this time, not tied to the prompt.)

Again, thank you for your kind words. And to you too, AppleJinx, for reading this. I'll be showing myself out of this thread now.
>> No. 95043
>the veiled insult that I'm a bad person for writing this

I swear I didn't mean to do that. Can you help me understand so I can apologize properly?
>> No. 95081
Ergh. Apologies. It wasn't you. Sincerely, it wasn't you. I meant the review. It was... ugh

Never mind. What the hay am I doing digging a hole for myself?

A thousand apologies to both of ya. I'm not in the best of mood these days.
>> No. 95091
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Take it easy, sugar, if you expect yourself to be perfect all th' time you'll never work through ANY mistakes. And there's a difference between bein' a 'bad person' and bein' annoyed by Pinkie. Takes all kinds. In some ways I think Pinkie is one of the very hardest to write for- that should be some consolation!

Just remember you can never skip PAST stuff that doesn't quite work, nor can you go back and un-write it. I have a whole damn NOVEL sitting around- publically, but not poni- which went down a path I no longer appreciate. I might work out how to complete that sometime, but for now it's a dead end and I've got to face that. So don't be too tragic about having written a Pinkie fic that turned out not to be your best thing. Go on and do somethin' else, that's the only answer- if you're a writer.
>> No. 97879
Since I have no idea how far I can go with bending characterization in shipping, I humbly come to you to ask for your help in that regard. (This is more or less a repost from the TG at >>97878.)

The Sky's the Limit
Description (probably tentative): Generic sad TwiDash.


Additional tags (probably not tentative): TwiDash, longing, first person, nonlinear narrative

Notes: This has been given a cursory look by RogerDodger, Lightsideluc, CompendiumOfSteve, and Pascoite. It's also currently sitting in the TG queue.

Questions I would like answered:
1. Is this too difficult to follow? The mixing of past and present tense is intentional.
2. If you were reading this casually, at what point(s) would you have Ctrl+W'd out of it, if applicable?
3. Does it drag at any point? Does it feel rushed at any point? Dry, lifeless?
4. What would your opinion of this as a reader be?
>> No. 97912
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Huh. Seems like it's a lot of fancy for very little happenin'? I don't mean to say what Rainbow does is very little... I guess what I'm thinkin' is the story goes through loop-de-loops an' flies backwards in order ta go nowhere, with slight melancholy.

Ya got Dashie bein' hurt, and a lot of flight-show stuff, and then it ends with th' precipitating incident- and throughout, it's like th' same tone. I don't get a sense that anythin' changes in Twi other than the surface, I don't get a sense that anythin' in Dashie is threatened other than hurt feelings.

It feels like if you make it a bigger loss then th' backwards an' inside out nature of it would pack more of a punch. Like, if you somehow managed to convey that they were lovers, and during/after the show they're totally not, and the lack of attention is the final clincher proving that to Dash- right now it only seems like they had been warm to each other and they end warm to each other but Dash is bein' moody.

You could give a lil' glimpse of the very end at the beginnin' as a tip-off- or pump it up until it's clear that the two are really together, and explain how this was lost pretty directly- like Dash rationalizing, protesting in her thoughts that she wasn't uncaring, she just had to practice a lot, she didn't mean to flirt around- whatever it takes to show the reader a reason why Twilight would go from being in love to breaking it off and not being in love at all.

I'm sayin' that because the structure is SO complicated that there's gotta be a big reason for Dash to be heartbroken over the events. I feel she's gotta be losin' somethin', not jes' failing to gain somethin'. A lot would change, I guess, but to pull off th' "backwards narrative leading back to a beautiful moment that is bittersweet because it goes unfulfilled" it jes' feels like more must be lost than jes' a chance.

Dashie? Thoughts?
>> No. 97914
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I like that it's doing tricks- and it feels like it's me, pretty much- but does it have to be such an un-story? It just makes me feel really cold and bad to have a big complicated story, where I turn the whole sky into a freaking rainbow, and the outcome is supposed to be 'well, that sucked'.

Can I at least have some EPIC SAD? For crying out loud, give me a break! I want oceans of manly tears here if I gotta be in a sadfic! Break my wings or set me on fire or something. Go big!
>> No. 97916
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She's jes' kiddin'!
Don't break her wings! I like them wings! Plus you'll never git on EqD with it if you do that. Mind you, it's a lil' advanced and tricky for manestream audiences. I reckon you'll get a few big fans off it and confuse more ponies than you'd like. It's th' nature of certain kinds of story experiments.
>> No. 98087
>Like, if you somehow managed to convey that they were lovers, and during/after the show they're totally not, and the lack of attention is the final clincher proving that to Dash- right now it only seems like they had been warm to each other and they end warm to each other but Dash is bein' moody. [...] I feel she's gotta be losin' somethin', not jes' failing to gain somethin'. A lot would change, I guess, but to pull off th' "backwards narrative leading back to a beautiful moment that is bittersweet because it goes unfulfilled" it jes' feels like more must be lost than jes' a chance.

They say to write what you know, and I've never known any such loss because I've never had any such thing to lose. Ah, crap. Well, I shall be taking your suggestions of

>if you somehow managed to convey that they were lovers, and during/after the show they're totally not, and the lack of attention is the final clincher proving that to Dash
>You could give a lil' glimpse of the very end at the beginnin' as a tip-off- or pump it up until it's clear that the two are really together, and explain how this was lost pretty directly- like Dash rationalizing, protesting in her thoughts that she wasn't uncaring, she just had to practice a lot, she didn't mean to flirt around- whatever it takes to show the reader a reason why Twilight would go from being in love to breaking it off and not being in love at all.

into consideration.

Many thanks!
>> No. 98090
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No no- ya think I know about all th' stuff that goes into my fics? Yeah I've lived a somewhat more colorful life than some, been lively, even been married, but you have the advice wrong and it is important.

If you only write what you know you write stories about writers writin', and such. Here's the secret:

Write what your HEART knows.

Don't be afraid. Better yet, if you got a complicated heart full of self doubt (and look at you there self-doubting, I 'spect you do!) then what your heart knows is conflict- and that is jes' what you need, for a story.

All you got to do is look into what your heart knows about Rainbow tryin' to hang on to Twi (and you're already writing it) and then what Rainbow doesn't see, which is Twi's reasons for turnin' away. If your heart can see both their sides, you'll write somethin' wonderful.

Half of writin' good complicated relationships is lettin' it be plain to all but the ponies concerned where they're missin' each others' points... can't have 'em be idiots, so there's always gotta be immediate reasons why they don't happen to just hug and talk it out in two minutes and be done.

You'll do fine :)
>> No. 98585
File 133515481467.png - (142.19KB , 1191x670 , twilight_sparkle___dark_explosion_by_jamey4-d4tbt4z.png )
Hi there! I'm really impressed with how you handle "reviewing" whether a character is IC. I'm a bit concerned about it myself (due to this being the first serious, noncomedy fic that I've ever written), and would like to submit this to you in the hopes that I've either gotten something right, or else have something that I definitely need to correct.

Title: Glitched
Tags: SciFi, Dark
Characters: Twilight, Mane Six
Words: 2,182
Synopsis: When Twilight becomes trapped in a time loop on the week of her brother's wedding, she makes up her mind to escape, stop the Changelings, and save the Royal Couple in the process. But this is no ordinary Groundhog Day, and as the Loops go on, her mind and those of her friends will be driven to the brink. After all, when you’re whirling through eternity, one more step might be all that’s needed to fall into the darkness—forever.

It's just the first chapter, but my primary concern is whether or not I'm keeping Twilight's state of mind in response to the "dream" consistent with her reaction to her brother's wedding in canon. If you could help me with that, I'd really appreciate it.

Thank you!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 98588
Oh, gosh. I forgot a link. I KNEW I'd forgotten something:

Here we go: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14EFQ3lHiVB0lkHMYb5_MBLxVLcIIVaJw_Yc0i-AAOpA/edit
>> No. 98625
File 133517546183.png - (14.93KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_07.png )
Hmmm... this is going to be a struggle, partly because I could use a cup of coffee and for some reason the comments are hugely distracting this morning. Maybe it's because the other pony in there is extra snarky, with a stronger personality than the ones in your work? That's making it really tough.

It's really dangerous to grab too much directly from the show. It starts to seem like a puppet fic- spouting lines that we've already seen and heard. That's usually about confidence, and I'm not sure whether it helps you grow toward more original work- does it make you feel like your other thoughts are more show-accurate, or does it just feel like it's a relief to switch over to stuff you know is show-accurate? If it's the latter, watch out, you can't develop that habit.

The tough thing here is that you're trying to establish an unvarying time loop containing all stuff that is from a particular episode, so it almost forces you to fall into pastiche (or indeed outright hgihway robbery). Us ponies are coming off as cliche puppets, which isn't inappropriate for 'stuck in a time loop spouting the same lines over and over', but it puts me off... I'd want to see what happens when they break from that routine. Maybe you should come back when they've jumped out of their time-loop rut and started doing different things? I have nothing to go by, here. If it was a normal fic I'd be distressed by how stuck-in-a-rut it is, but it's a time loop fic so that serves a functional purpose. I think you've asked us too soon.
>> No. 98630
Okay! Thank you anyway—I'll be careful not to shoehorn them as puppets or anything like that. Ninety percent of the fun in Loop fics is seeing what happens when things change. This chapter is mainly to establish that the Loops are happning; I felt this was a good cutting-off point, really. Twilight's not going to change much in the first Loop.

Maybe I'll come back when I have a few more chapters.

Thanks again!
>> No. 98772
File 133523822601.jpg - (133.91KB , 1128x960 , bashfultwi.jpg )

Hey- I posted in your other board and you were very helpful. What do you think of this little scene? Is everyone in-character?

>> No. 98773
File 133523832723.png - (80.80KB , 101x125 , AHHHHHHHHH.png )
Er, wrong picture.

Now I can't find the one I wanted to use.

Oh, well.
>> No. 98828
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Aw. It's just a lil' awkward, but that can't be helped, and it's a marvellous lil' picture of an idea. I reckon this fic will do mighty well for that reason!

It's pow'ful hard to speak and think as Princess Celestia. Ain't much would make her sheepish, honey. You're doin' awful well considerin' how tough that is- I reckon the show's own writers would have a hell of a time if they had to write her constantly!

Ain't reasonable that Shining Armor would 'never find out', more that eventually he'd be able to deal with it- that there's a price to things that grow, and Celestia bein' immortal cannot grow, she can only be an anchor for everypony? Jes' a thought.

Ya can't undermine our Princess too much by takin' away her stability. She must surely have reached accomodations with these things over the centuries an' millenia. It CAN'T still hurt, minds don't work that way.

Maybe that's the thing- Princess Cadence wants to truly live and to an alicorn this is a beautiful thing and the profoundest gift you can give? It can't be a tragedy to Princess Celestia, but her own life can't be a tragedy either or she wouldn't have the love she has for her ponies.

It's a puzzler!
>> No. 98892

This is in script form, but I'd still like some feed back. I'll copy from the thread on /chat/. I also put this on another thread here in /fic/ but I'm looking for a lot of feedback.

Title: Canterlot Wedding Ending Rewrite/expansion

Author Name:Jon/jeff_bridges
Tags: Normal
Characters: Everyone from S2E26
Synopsis: An expansion of the original ending
Length:4300 words, 1 chapter

So don't get mad, this was just an idea that I had that I think turned out well. Here's my rewrite/expansion of the ending of Canterlot Wedding, with all respect and love to the crew.

I know it seems bad at the beginning, trust me it gets better. Comments are open, so feel free to be brutal.

>> No. 99014
>All you got to do is look into what your heart knows about Rainbow tryin' to hang on to Twi (and you're already writing it) and then what Rainbow doesn't see, which is Twi's reasons for turnin' away. If your heart can see both their sides, you'll write somethin' wonderful.
...Okay, I've been trying to make heads and tails of this for a few days now. May I ask for clarification?

At the moment, instead of ending it on the note that I have now, I'm thinking of having RD give up on chasing Twilight in kind of a "c'est la vie" way. Might I ask for your opinion on that, were I to take that path? (Having them start out as lovers is something I do not think I can do, because I can't imagine it going in any other direction than "Twilight, watch!" --> "Sorry, blinked and missed it." --> "You know what? We're through.")
>> No. 99022
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Ya lost me- this should not be in script form. It's all monologue. I don't buy what Luna does, an' it's ridiculous when she's betrayed. This is arbitrary and you ain't even making betrayer/betrayed Luna a proper villain. I'd have thought at least she could be Nightmare Moon and out for herself.

The 'doing terrible things because life is horrible and brings impossible dilemmas' is totally un-pony and then you got the original ending still there to make it look silly. Make up your mind which you're doing: MLP style, or extreme grimdark, because you can't do both at once, you've got to pick one or th' other.
>> No. 99023
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It's got to be your heart writin' it- if all you can see is Twilight letting Rainbow down, and then it fizzles and nothing much happens, you need to write it that way. The problem there is that they're giving up and getting nowhere and nothing much happens- the story is about what fails to happen, and such an absence is difficult to hang a story on. This is why I suggested making it about a loss of something that was there.
>> No. 99044

I don't want to be argumentative, I honestly want to know what in your eyes makes this grimdark. I don't feel like I changed the goals or motivations of anyone, just expanded the concept and made it more plausible (to me anyway).
>> No. 99082
She must surely have reached accomodations with these things over the centuries an' millenia. It CAN'T still hurt, minds don't work that way.
If I change it to say that the wedding and talk with Twilight just brought it fresh into her mind, not to mention that now she has to watch Twilight age as well, will that be enough?
I'm not really sure how to make that part better.
Have it where she's only the great-great-grandaughter, so it's really only been a hundred years, which doesn't feel too long to Celestia?

I'm writing another story (a sort of history of the alicorns) to try to intwine all of this, but I want to make sure this one can stand alone well enough, like it's supposed to.
>> No. 99085
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Hey, AJ, you seem to have a lot of experience with writing Applejack, so I was wondering what your opinion is on her dialogue in stories (specifically, how to deal with "I"). I'm writing a story that's about to introduce AJ as a major character and I reeeeaaaally like dialogue.

I've noticed a majority of writers seem to favor replacing "I" with "Ah". I also see a lot of words ending in "-ing" just reduced to "-in'". I'm much more in favor of leaving "I" as-is, but I'd like to hear your thoughts on it.

Other questions:
How do you deal with balancing Applejack's 'plain' dialogue with her intelligence? I know she can be flustered by certain complex concepts ("don't you be usin' your fancy mathematics on me!") but I also don't want to her to come across as stupid or simple-minded.
What not-so-obvious quirks do you incorporate into your Applejack dialogue?
Applejack is a pony that is friendly to almost anyone instantly... but what would give her pause? What would make her hesitate to greet somepony else?
>> No. 99095
File 133539469220.png - (77.85KB , 230x225 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 4_17 PM.png )
Well, shucks- there I was starin' at a pack of difficult questions that come back like a bad halfpenny and suddenly here you are, makin' it much easier for me. Brightens my whole day. Happens I'll answer you by answerin' them, and also answerin' you.. or sump'n... well, let's git to it!

If you write the lingo prop'ly folks will HEAR the 'Ah' and you don't gotta cram it in sideways every chance you get. Leave some dialect-y things lay, it's more about th' voice than particular pet dialect tricks. I find I slur words with apostrophes a LOT because Applejack Does Not Enunciate Syllables Primly Like Miss Rarity... pah, I think I hurt myself a lil' there *spit*

Now then. You with th' grimdark, the reason you're grimdark is you couldn't let the show endin' lie, you had to do a thing where Luna betrayed an' sold out everypony. What give you th' idea she would cut such a deal? Din't work now did it? She ain't that stupid and she ain't that evil- uh, I hope. *ulp* At any rate you done her evil jes' to do her evil, she din't even win nothin'. Since there was no point to it, it comes off as pointlessly grimdark.

Now note the way my voice rings out sayin' such things as "She AIN'T that stupid and she AIN'T THAT evil- AT any rate you done her evil JES to do her evil, she din't EVen WIN nothin". Voice rings out on some words, big projection like when sayin "I do NOT need no help corralin' critters, RIGHT Winona?" If the voice reads hesitant or proper it ain't worth a crap. Grammar got nothin' to do with it, it's a voice but ain't prop'ly a grammatical voice, but it's got its own style to it.

Now you with th' angsty alicorn, the reason I'm hammerin' on Celestia bein' too mature for over-much cryin' over us ponies is jes' that- the maturity. She's gotta have sympathy, but how many ponies have there been? It's like she keeps rats or mice when you outlive dozens of generations, dogs and cats are more like 'outlive three or four generations'. It's good of her to still care an' all, but I would hope she found somethin' else to anchor her. If she hurts too badly, how can she be solid for us? She got a motherly quality, yeah, but it's almost grandmotherly or great-grandmotherly because she's seen SO much. She's a rock. It's okay that she don't care as much as us mortal ponies 'cos she got other strengths. Them's needed, we can't all be Fluttershyin' away out here.

Lookin' over the ol' verbal twang, I din't say 'Ah' once, but you prob'ly still heard it. I slurred one heck of a lot of words with apostrophes, but not absolutely every moment. Words is simple, gen'rally, and go together in a certain way. It's a natural and straightforward way of expressin' yourself if you can hear it- like that there, I said 'words is simple'. Not 'are'. Ain't because I was hankerin' to sound like a damn fool- nope, it's more slurrin. I'm drawlin', worrd-ses-simplll and it all come out as an easy thing t' say. Words Are Simple involves a break in the flow where you start th' 'Are' but wurdsisimple flows jes' like one word.

I don't rightly know if I have helped you at all. At some point you gotta just try to hear th' voice yourself. I hope you want to. It's a perty voice, with a lot of kindness in it, not takin' itself too serious-like but not ashamed of what it is. It slurs and flows, and then breaks into clear earnest statements, all down to mood and necessity.

There's a reason I settle into it so easy (when to be honest, sugar, I'm from up in VERmont where we got rednecks but I ain't exactly one of 'em). There's a sweetness to it that's good for me, and I jes' can't help myself. People think it's an act. It's more like a meditation or somethin'.

Next y'all be askin' me to do a similar improv as all them other mane cast...
>> No. 99099
File 133539541379.png - (319.80KB , 515x526 , Screen shot 2011-12-06 at 2_20 PM.png )
Oh, an' "don't you use your fancy mathematics on me!" means "treat me with respect!" not "don't act smart". Use your fancy mathematics all you want but don't use them ON me like some weapon.

That's also a good way to piss Applejack off- come around all haughty and superior and prim and proper. Look down your nose at her and she'll go cold amazin'ly quick. Don't see too much of that but it ain't welcome to see.

Appreciation, or vulnerability, will always return affection and openness. But she's real sensitive, though she won't show it as hurt. She'll show it as- well, you saw it with Trixie, you saw it in Mare Do Well- anypony puttin' themselves above her will be a burr up her butt BIGTIME. It's very Southern in that regard- it's about honor, and respect, and being treated like you're valued. That's the key to it right there.

Folks don't gen'rally disrespect her. If they do- she gets MAD, not just sad. You got a war on your hands if you persist in treatin' her like shit. She'll hesitate to greet somepony else if she has reason to believe they have been and continue to be disrespectin her, her home, her family...

And o' course in Ponyville, that's mighty rare, so you don't see it.
>> No. 99118
"To Make a Souffle, You Must Break a Few Eggs."

This is a story about Rainbow Dash being forced to cook, and having to go to Pinkie for help.
Humor, Slice of Life
Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie
3500 words
This was placed on FIM by me some months ago, I recently rewrote parts of it and I am hpoing to send it to EQD but need some feedback and suggestion. This was proofread once before, manly for grammar, back in August.
FLAMES are welcome. If its bad or parts are bad TELL ME!
>> No. 99129
After my comments on "Second Person," I figure it's only fair I share my own little literary experiment.

"Watching Paint Dry"
[tranche de vie, oh so tranche de vie]
Sun and wind embrace
work, play, solitude and love:
Summer afternoon.
(4300 wds)

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19048/Watching-Paint-Dry password: wip
>> No. 99133

Hey, real quick, this thread's for a different kind of review, if you look through. If you want someone to pick over your work for errors and preen you for EQD-readiness, you should go to...

...well, not TTG right now...

Listen, I would offer to help you myself, but I've got shit to do.
>> No. 99169
okay i wrote this over a month ago, but when i read your thread, i couldn't resist sending it in. (i can't wait to see what the mane six think of this)

Pinkie my Friend
>> No. 99175
I tried.
>> No. 99205
okay i goofed. i completely forgot a summary (you'd like that wouldn't you) anyways, there's a summary on fimfiction but i'll post one here so you can decide if you wanna click on it. i plan to submit this story to EQD eventually, so it still needs work, im not just putting it here for fun.

Pinkie my Friend
[Romance][Human]<(sort of)[OC]
One lucky brony gets a surprise in his room one night, as Pinkie Pie herself manages to open a portal to his dimension. Shortly after entering Equestria, he goes through a strange transformation via the effects of a muffin, and joins the herd in a whole new way. Let the party begin.
>> No. 99219
File 133543153544.png - (329.93KB , 538x495 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 3_35 PM.png )
Gosh. I don't think this is anywhere near EqD mode, but it is light an' fluffy and maybe that will help it. You got only a loose grasp of what th' characters sound like and talk like, but I've seen many stories with a looser grasp of what's ponyish. I'd say, read more and keep on writin' and keep it light and you'll find a place for yourself. If this fic gets on EqD I'll eat my hat, though- or at least nom on it for a spell.
>> No. 99221
You got interestin' derps- Sweetie 'anted up'? I believe if you re-read you'll catch many of your own derps- a good trick is to put it in a different place with a different font and size, so it reflows and you spot words in different places. I won't need to spot derps like "Sweetie Bell" with you, you'll get 'em on a re-read.

Ain't this the point of the experiment? “Sometimes it's nice for a pony to be quiet and alone. Don't you ever feel that way?” This seems like a story that's warm and personable, but where nothin' happens, so you share the nothin' day with the fillies.
They're so deep with abacuses and backstories that it's a lil' frightening, but in th' absence of plotline I guess that's what you do...
I do really like how quiet and meditative it is. Wouldn't read a whole book of that, but as a one-off? I like your experiment. Feels S1 pony :)
>> No. 99223
Dang, honey, you're new ain'tcha? Barely out of wall of text. Are you havin' fun? You seem to be doin' fine for how little you've written.

You ain't gonna be winnin' the hearts of other writers with that stuff, but there's folks who are enjoyin' it, so why not carry on and read a lot of other stuff? Especially paper books, if you got those, read them right up :) don't read only jes' fanfics, and don't read only cherrypicked books either (like readin' Dune over and over or somethin'). Looks like you're at the start of somethin' good :)
>> No. 99230
Sweetie has a reputation for being "a little slow on the uptake." I like to think that her mind is often on a deeper plane - and with some more maturity and practice, her talent for poetry and songcraft will come forward.

And the mathematics thing is a very subtle crack at the show's use of Einstein as blackboard-filler. If they can handle Riemann geometry, analytic geometry with a touch of calculus should be (ahem) fillies' play.

Golden Vision eventually decided that it makes them a little older than canon last time around, but I think I'll keep it.

>ante up
The metaphor didn't work, then. I'll try reworking it to the idiomatic "calling somepony's bluff." The point should have been that AB and SB get that they're not really fighting, but Scootaloo doesn't.

>Sometimes it's nice for a pony to be quiet and alone.
Yep. And the whole caretaker-love thing or "wealth can be social," but if you only got that as a warm feeling, that's okay too. I consider "How Does Your Garden Grow" a thematic influence, but I don't think "Paint" develops quite the same contrast. Just the way it worked out.

That, and my muse said "we can make drying paint interesting if we want to!"

Much obliged for your time.



Applijinx really doesn't do harsh (to characters, yes, but not to fics), but I do and I'm intrigued. I'll read today, and write up my comments if you're interested. PM me @"Eustatian Wings" on FiMFiction or [email protected]

I have a thing for attempting the impossible.
>> No. 99231
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Oh, like with the Chief Thunderhooves scene- I get it. I also notice Dash stated your point outright- that's good, I did 'hear her', I just didn't comment on it specifically.

An' you didn't say 'ante up', I'd have got that. You said anteD up, and I read it as 'got herself a bunch of ants' and went, huh? Now I get it, but I didn't read it as 'ante', I read it as 'ant' first.

I don't mind them being filly geniuses as long as you remember that's a development. Prob'ly your strongest thing with this fic is that you really want to be a CMC, reading it. Like, desperately want to be sharin' their lives. That's always good :)
>> No. 99369
Dictionary says either "anteed" or "anted." It's gone, though. The image wasn't worth the potential confusion.

>Like, desperately want to be sharin' their lives.

That made my day. Thank you.
>> No. 99452
If I gave a brief summary of events proceeding and pertaining to a chapter in a long fic (chapter 24 of ~3.5k chapters), would you be willing to review it? I currently have a bulk of the fic being reviewed by eustatian, but I wanted to get an unreleased chapter or two up to shape.
>> No. 99573
> ~3.5k chapters

Good lord! Are you sure that number's right?
>> No. 99577
The average chapter length of Foe is 13k... and EoP average is 28k...
>> No. 99590
I believe he was poking fun at the fact I should have had a 'words' somewhere in there.
>> No. 99593
Yeah, I ain't readin' 3,500 chapters of anythin' ;)

I will look at stuff out of context, no problem. You can tell characterization that way too- won't follow the plot, but it should still ring true or false regardless. Sort of fractal- any fragment should still seem 'canon'.
>> No. 99609
File 133558517578.png - (95.77KB , 445x530 , 2j31gcw.png )
All right then, here it is: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13KD228jOLYNJ3iDNSLLLeqRu2tX0vJf55d7ZGiC4Fc4/edit

The story thus far:
Twilight and Rainbow Dash's relationship has been shaky thus far. Poor communication, mistakes, and real life obstacles have made the relationship pretty much one giant train wreck so far. Both Fluttershy and Applejack voiced their discomfort when Dash and Twilight announced they were dating, and Dash yelled at both of them before storming off. The most recent problem however is that after performing in cloudsdale in front of the wonderbolts and winning a whole day to spend with them, Dash and Spitfire grew close. And consequently, Spitfire began to have feelings for her, which Dash later wound up returning. Much, much later when Twilight and were in Canterlot, Dash was arguing with Spitfire, and abruptly kissed her. Twilight had been outside the room, and heard the whole thing.

After a somewhat regretful goodbye, and one final kiss, Dash and Spitfire parted ways, Dash having made up her mind to stay with Twilight. Confronting Twilight later that night, they talk about the problems they've been having and Dash's feelings for both her and Spitfire. Vowing to each other that things would be different from now on, Twilight takes her back, and they take the train back to Ponyville.

As far as character development goes, Twilight is supposed to be a bit sad right now (for obvious reasons) and Dash is regretful of her actions, but determined to make it up to Twilight. Otherwise canoninity should be there.

(I may have accidentally left something out. A lot has happened.)
>> No. 99624
File 133559973438.png - (16.58KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_02.png )
It's like a romance, if we were drawn in simple basic primary colors. We're... very simple. I notice Rainbow's quipping that I'm an egghead, but it's not because she's defensive, it seems to be taking her at face value there. Our motivations are simple. This is happening before Rainbow discovered Daring Do, is it?

I'm not sure what to make of it. It feels like Cliff's Notes versions of our personalities. Spitfire's odd- dancing like nopony's watching? Literally? She's in her room, that's a given. I don't see the aerobatic pegasus superstar there. Laughing at nothing in particular? Because she's relieved?

This feels like primary colors, always the most obvious thought or feeling or phrase- sharp pang in her heart, arched an eyebrow, peaceful smile, insurmountable weight, dance as if noone is watching- and then when it's a little different it's odd- she thrashed the idea, leaned her head on top of, the train stuttered, she rest her cheek, danced aimlessly... these things are not in focus, they're not clearly thought or felt or expressed.

I think it's you manufacturing the story too consciously, directing the ponies to act certain ways- and lacking some of the facility you need. You just need to do more... and read more. It becomes more second nature and then it's like you're the stenographer, trying to keep up as their activity unfolds. There are parallels in art- I never got enough facility with a pen or pencil to draw naturally, though I can vector since that's like programming lines and the rules are very different. All my pencil lines are overly conscious and it gives me the same problem.

Your writing and characterisation are like that- it doesn't feel like you've been writing for ten or twenty or thirty years. There's a simple fix, which is write for ten or twenty or thirty years.

Oh, and read!
>> No. 99626
File 133560035122.png - (12.73KB , 100x100 , Rainbow_100x100_07.png )
I'm kind of too boring.
It's nice that all the mares want me, though!
>> No. 99647
File 133562971903.png - (96.77KB , 900x734 , vinyl_scratch___vinyl_by_ninjamissendk-d4sq3eh.png )
And I did accidentally leave something out.
Spitfire's somewhat... giddy dance, is because her crush on Dash had been a major distraction in her career and life, and she's relieved that it's finally over. she's also been somewhat characterized as someone who bottles things up for the sake of being a good person.

I've been writing for half a year and this story was the first thing I wrote. I suppose many of the flaws in my writing could be fixed simply by reading more. I haven't nearly read as much as someone who writes should.

I think a lot of what makes the motives seem simple is the lack of context from not having read earlier chapters, but that shouldn't really be an excuse.

Sorry, Dash. I'll try to make you more awesome.
>> No. 99655
File 133563651688.png - (14.31KB , 100x100 , Applejack_100x100_38.png )
Awww... don't be downhearted! Long as it ain't the first an' last thing you write, hear what I'm sayin'? Have some respect for the scope of the undertakin' but understand that just by continuin' to care about it year after year you'll get better and your song will be clearer.

Um, assumin' Vinyl sings a song. Beats will be solider? Flow more irresistible? Just know you ain't no different from everypony else. NOPONY has total control of th' art much less craft, half a year in. And everypony's been half a year in at some point, whether they care to admit it or not. :)
>> No. 100429
File 133598182682.png - (45.96KB , 175x159 , Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2_43 PM 1.png )
You've just got to learn to write better, honey. Your paragraphs are all simple unrelated sentences, sometimes lines of dialogue, all run together. Sometimes you don't have punctuation in th' dialogue, or you have other huge writing derps. You've got to learn to write the basics before anypony will be concerned about characterization.

Paragraphs basically work like this- one basic idea to one paragraph, perhaps developed if it's still related. A sequence of things like this...

>I happened to come across sugar cube corner, probably one of the most easily recognizable buildings in pony Ville due to its cupcake top. I walked in and asked the pony at the counter if Pinkie Pie was around. “Pinkamena’s upstairs I think,” She said, “poor thing, she was really upset when she got back, I hope she’s alright.” Immediately two cupcakes launched out of a compartment in the wall behind the counter, and landed squarely in both of my eyes. “Agh!” I yelped, clambering backward as I tried to maintain my balance. I fell backward out the door and landed in a heap on the ground, the cupcakes fell from my eyes.

Honey, it's 'Ponyville', and 'Sugarcube Corner', and walkin' in (and especially her dialogue) are new paragraphs, and 'she' isn't capitalized in a dialogue break like that, and there's a period after 'got back' because 'I hope she's all right' is its own sentence. And why the cupcakes? And them fallin' from your eyes is a sentence on its own.

You got to learn to write a lil' better. Can't help you with characterization at this stage- your writin' doesn't support it.
>> No. 100440
File 133598531100.jpg - (4.44KB , 211x239 , scootaloo facehoof.jpg )
... Wow... thanks. Looking at it now, even I am shocked by my own writing. It really has been a while since I wrote it. I'll give it a do-over and send it up through the training grounds like I should have done in the first place. Thanks for at least looking at it.
>> No. 100454
Look at your name field before.
>> No. 100459
File 133599163925.png - (353.85KB , 757x1055 )

Somehow I missed this response when you posted it. Have you got any suggestions on improving it? You said I'm not winning any hearts with it, and I sorta knew that. But I can't figure out what's wrong with it. I had this cool Idea and I wanted to make It enjoyable for everypony to read, but it just never took off. I probably sound like every other new writer right now but it's the honest truth. Was the characterization at least okay?

Reposting this for Minjask. I know it was already responded to, but still.

Seriously mate, if you took part in an anonymous contest, you really need to be more careful about linking your submission to your name. At the very least wait until the contest is over.
>> No. 100482
What would I do without you Pinkie?
I'll remember that in the future; I never make the same mistake twice
>> No. 100486
File 133599541594.png - (59.28KB , 900x563 , DashieImage.png )
Title: Wingless
Tags: [Sci-Fi] [Grimdark] [Adventure]
Description: Rainbow Dash awakens one day to find herself in the ATaMoTS, an infinite testing chamber controlled by a peculiar AI named Adam. When events go awry, Dash is forced into a battle against her own perception of morality and her very sanity. Will the pegasus manage to successfully escape this world, or will she be forced to wander its depths forever?
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23392/Wingless

Hello, Applejinx! My name is Ryonne. So I guess I've decided to jump in with my fic. I've been throwing this in the general direction of Equestria Daily, and they've been repeatedly responding by punching me in the face for supposedly messing up Rainbow Dash's characterization, particularly in chapter two. Well, primarily the response has pertained to chapter two, because I haven't submitted the third as of yet. Now, as an arrogant writer, I have no idea what this "out of character" means, so I would like elaboration. Please, point out plot-specific points, and definitely feel free to jump in with any other things about the story you find jarringly off key. Thank you very much, and I await your response!
>> No. 100510
File 133599684204.png - (12.71KB , 100x100 , Rainbow_100x100_98.png )
"I'm just a pony?" I'm JUST A PONY? Try
>Who are you?
>I'm Rainbow Dash. I'm FUCKING AWESOME
Yeah, okay, I'm totally having to go and look at the first chapter to figure out why I'm a HIPPIE in chapter two! And it's not promising. "Wingless, A Fanfiction By Rhyonne"? Yeah, we'd guessed. Oh, and since Equestria Daily auto-nukes 'Dash breaks her wings' fanfictions, you might want to look at that *shudder* title... and if you have 'the beings backside' in there before you even get to the title, no wonder they're bouncing it.

*deepbreath* Okay. Stay on target, Dash.

This whole story is confusing the piss out of me. Why is this even happening? It's arbitrary. Why do I keep on accepting what's happening? I'm not sure if you understand but I have Weather Patrol duty in a couple hours and I really, really don't like things messing with my mind, okay? It freaks me the hell out. It's like it took me over without even a fight and suddenly I'm Twilight Egghead. Why the BUCK would I light up about a book titled "Life of Natives in Modern Equestria" if it doesn't have Daring Do on the cover? Why the BUCK should I care what 'some unicorns' think about burping after tea? Since when is tea fizzy anyway?

I caught you putting "you're" when it shoulda said "your".

Hey, since when are the princesses 'a sort of mix of a pegasus and a unicorn'? I oughta...


Okay, bored now.

>flies off in a huff
>> No. 100518
File 133599726554.png - (45.96KB , 175x159 , Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2_43 PM 1.png )
Well, I guess that's from the horse's mouth! Heh.

I reckon you could get away with all this a lot easier if it was Twilight Sparkle, or a background pony, sugar. (If you figure I'm a background pony I'll kick you and ain't helpin' you no more)

Th' story is all about the mysterious AI experimenter thing, but th' problem is that if your reader don't have any idea what's goin' on, there's no tension and no expectation. And you got BIGTIME no expectation- I sensed no agenda of any sort, I couldn't work out what was s'posed to happen. Just because the subject of th' story is out of th' loop does not mean you can let the reader experience the confusion along with her. You've got to give away the catch to all this so folks can go 'yay' or 'oh no' and have an opinion about what's happenin'. I just don't feel as a reader that I know what the agenda is. When Dashie starts squeeing at egghead book titles and alternately strugglin' and acceptin' in the space of about two sentences, I switch right off. You've GOT to make it mean something specific to the reader even if the test subject doesn't get told until later.
>> No. 100538
Ugh, everything of that more or less makes my heart drop. And not because I don't like the criticism; it was very well presented and very constructive. My major problem here, I guess, is that I might have to change Dash as the protagonist. Honestly, I had everything planned out for this fic. When I first conceptualized it, Dash was the major character. Most of the entire plot line I have planned relies on Dash as the main character. However, I guess I'm starting to realize that having her in these situations may be ruining the entire fic. I'd either have to make a major overhaul of everything and try my best to rewrite all of the scenes with a perfect Dash, or I could change the character. The former would better play to my constraints, but the latter would greatly improve what I have going on here. I mean, Twilight would be a great alternative, but Dash was the main character this whole time. I'm reiterating myself. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I've been trying to perfect this to my vision for more than five months, and making this change would be a humongous hit against that. It would require a ground-up revision on the entire story.

So, I guess I truly do need to ask your opinion. Do you think that the characterization issues are the greatest limitations of the story, or would you say the problems extend far beyond that? Could switching out the character, even with how long it would take and how much work it would require, fix the fanfiction? Am I worrying too much about this?

If you think this conversation would be better conducted in email, feel free to take it there; my email is right there. However, I would like to hear your input on this.
>> No. 100557
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If you want to have this conversation, you best blow all your secrets- mostly general readers ain't here, so it's kinda private-ish. What happens? Why must it be Rainbow, when she isn't reacting entirely like Rainbow? Is it because her pugnaciousness is needed later? I can't see where it's going, so you should tell me straight up. How does it end?
>> No. 100578
File 133600568595.png - (67.44KB , 322x352 , Nopony\'s looking, right.png )
I said I'd check the thread out, so I'm doing that now, I suppose.

Title: That Rainbow Mane
Tags: [Normal][Slice of Life]
Desc: Life on the farm was dull for Little Pinkamena, until one fateful day changed her outlook forever. Now a young mare, she's come to Ponyville to seek two things: A new way of life, and every friend she can manage.

But there's two pegasi in particular who've caught her eye: One shy and with a pink mane much like her own, and one brazen, whose mane just makes her want to smile forever...

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ynymgEVxiMqraTrzEfGflU1J1oiNqWEbcO3L5JJ7x0k/edit

My apologies for the incompleteness; it's a work in progress. Part One is nearing completion of its rough draft, and I'll be working on Part Two shortly. Mostly I was just interested in the latest scene I've added, but since I'm posting this here I may as well submit the whole thing for review.
>> No. 100601
I'm sorry, but I wouldn't like to reveal what I have planned just as of yet. Right now, however, I have stepped back and looked over the general plot line still coming. I've taken what you said here into account, and I assure you there will be drastic changes on the character of Rainbow Dash. Perhaps on the rest of the story as well. At any rate, I thank you wholeheartedly for this review, and I migh be doing some revisionary work soon enough.

By the way, I'm sorry for being so late in the response. A few things got in the way.
>> No. 100657
File 133603311243.png - (329.93KB , 538x495 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 3_35 PM.png )
Nice an' simple- my, you've come a long way, sugar. I remember when you learnt paragraphs...

Still findin' the 'party at Pinkie's place' contrived but so are you- I got to wonder, what if there was some calamity over at Applejack's where they couldn't have their party, and Pinkie's offer ain't an imposition so much as a rescue that turns out super well? That would be mighty pony.

Ain't no 'perpleixion', it's 'perplexity'...

I can FEEL that you're re-reading this and hackin' away at it. That's good, it's normal. Folks saw me rise in the middle of the night, last night, and fire up the laptop just to fix a wrong verb tense in my latest chapter- spotted on what had to be the tenth re-read. Puttin' in the work is normal.

Y'all readin' MY stuff too much if you got your Applejack offerin' her bed to Dashie on first sight! ;) but I can't help but enjoy the hint of first Scootaloo! Interestingly this is rewritin' the first meeting as seen in the CMC episodes... they meet with 'got a problem with blank flanks?!?' and she knows Sweetie. Maybe she met Sweetie, not AB, at this upcomin' party?
>> No. 100957
Hello there! :)
Could you review this chapter for me please? and I would really like an honest and harsh/brutal review on it :)

Everypony has heard about the Judgment Day. A moment when everything is wiped off of the surface of Equestria and a new life begins. Little does anypony know that the truth is much more sinister and dark.

[dark] [violence]


>> No. 100967
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I've seen this before. If I haven't seen it from you... then grimdark runs to type.

>The second one showed a pony like being, whose body looked like it was a thousand others and tried to choose one, without prevail.


Is there any mane cast here, hon? I think it's kind of a Book Of Revelations of poni, all full of flaming tentacles and portents. If you settled down a bit (and this is from a pony well known to write all wild-eyed and swishy-tailed) what would you have? I got no idea what's happening, though at a wild crazy guess I would say this white pony needs to go forth and do battle with an ancient evil. Did I win anythin'?

Are you sure you want to claim th' truth is MORE sinister and dark than Judgement Day when everything is wiped off Equestria? I'm thinkin' your muse might need to sit down and take a few deep breaths.

There's nothin' so terrible about that, mind you. It's okay. It's just about learnin' to strike a balance where things flow a lil' better, something I am also doin' on a daily basis. I would say that strivin' to be MORE sinister and dark than judgement day when the world is destroyed... is TOO grimdark, and you got to dial it back.

I'm havin' to dial back the sad and distressin' aspects of my own book lately, too. We shall have a nice cup of tea and take a deep breath, together, and write just a LIL' nicer, the both of us. Okay? :)
>> No. 101082
Hi there, I'd like to have your opinion on my fic.


Title: The Radical Adventures of Daring Dash and Derpy Do

Finished Chapters: 1 (There are some others in the doc, but aren't ready to be reviewed yet)

Synopsis: Scootaloo hasn't seen her personal Idol, Rainbow Dash, for quite a while. Rumour in town says she just returned from an adventure with a ditzy postmare. She has to invastigate that further.

Tag: Adventure

As usual I'd like to know if Dash isn't acting OOC. Also any pointers on how to make the execution a bit more graceful and the pace right, would be greatly appreciated.

Eagerly Awaiting one of you awesome responses,
>> No. 101086
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Hey, your writing is really sloppy, but I can still kinda see myself in there! Yeah... if I cosplayed I'd do it right, I'd do it AWESOME...
I'm still reading. It's still got personality. And lots of silly mistakes. You should get somepony to fix those, who bothers with boring stuff like that.
Okay, you are just awesome. You're like the most amateurish writer AND the most promising writer I ever saw. Don't you dare give up, just get better- I loved what you did. Oh, um, somepony wants to talk to you....
>> No. 101087
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Stop using two different sans serif fonts for different parts of the story! It makes me grind my teeth!

And I don't think Rainbow Dash would hit me! Though I think that's just what I'd do to try to get through to her that she's doing things wrong.

I'm charmed too by Derpy's secret. I don't know why that rang so true for me but I agree with Rainbow, there- and it's also worth mentioning that the innocent tone you use is worth preserving. You really need to be more detail-oriented and work on your stories to clean up some of the loose ends, because the feel of distinct personalities warrants it. Rainbow's inner thoughts do feel very Rainbowish, and you've managed to give me clearly different thoughts all without narratively jumping into my head to do it- dialogue reveals that my thoughts are at odds, but the narrative is still coming from Dash. That is most impressive from an amateur writer.

Fix the font silliness, PLEASE! I'm convinced that's what I was seeing- I compared lowercase Ps. I can think of only one writer who's used fonts and it worked, and it was published author Pat Cadigan's book 'Fools' in which the first-person protagonist is a multiple personality. And there's only so many of those the world needs.

Just put in the effort. I am certain you'll find happy readers, if you can grab our Rainbow like that. And remember, you're not limited only to this fic (though you should be cleaning and grooming it). Some of the traits I mentioned will be with you in ANYTHING you try to write, such as understanding a narrative 'voice' and having contrasting characters who aren't that voice but are still understood through the dialogue they add.

And fix the fonts? Pleeeease?
>> No. 101089
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Aw, shucks, we read too far, din't we? I jes' noticed you said don't read the unfinished parts.

Well... I guess you got us reviewer-ponies readin' the WHOLE THING without stoppin', and bein' excited by it and cheerin' you on.

I ain't gonna line edit you! Go find them as likes doin' that! Or learn to do it yourself, that's best of all!

But take this as one of them 'OMG squee' moments like Dashie got- I swear on Bucky McGillicuddy and Kicks McGee that you got th' instinct. Now you got to do th' work. An' remember, you got to work with folks that find fault and don't cheer for you, but everypony's got some right and some wrong in 'em, so in the end it's YOUR instinct that must guide you, once you get past the obvious derps and grammatical mistakes.

Still can't believe we all end up readin' th' whole damn thing when you said up front we could skip most of it. Dang. That tells ya somethin'. One of th' things it tells you is, we got enough story hooks right up front that we knew just where we were goin'- and when a twist turn up, we swallowed that too, and badaboom, there we are at the end blinkin' like fillies mornin' after th' prom. *snrk* With lil' baby new headcanon occupyin' our private places! *snrk* sorry!
>> No. 101177
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With an encouragement like that I wouldn't dream of giving up or not striving for perfection. You can't imagine what those words mean to me, especially that you actually read through my entire mess.

In hindsight, the whole font changing thing does look silly, I guess i'll stick to horizontal breaks then.

Thanks, you three are all amazing, I'll do my best to fix this up to acceptable standards. and Applejack, I really appreciate your words but, uhm, TMI. ;D

I'll go back writing and lurking around here and try to stop being such a writing noob. Thanks again, I still can't believe you liked it so much.
>> No. 101304
I've got a fic up on Fimfiction.net that I want to get some real criticism on. (Constructive, mind you). I want to make sure I've got, for the most part, the characterization down. It's 50k words, now, but the most important bits are in chapter 3,4, and 5.
>> No. 101321
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Aw, honey, I'm not sure this is th' thread for you. It's a HiE loaded with more grammatical problems than I can even list. Pinkie Pie scolds about cursing, Rarity's clothes horse again- and th' human and Big Mac play 'gay chicken', seriously, and y'all put in emoticons and a mess o' whitespace as a gag?

Sugarcube, this is MLP fanfiction. Th' only gay chicken is Scootaloo when they ship her with Dashie or somepony... I ain't prepared to read any further. Go git more of the rough edges knocked off. I reckon if it weren't for th' Gay Chicken and emoticons/whitespace I'd read a bit farther, but dang. Not the best introduction I ever saw...
>> No. 101353
It is much appreciated. I need to know where I go wrong before I can get it right.
>> No. 101359
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Okay:) Thanks for reading and pointing out a few errors :) As for the main cast, in this story there will be a total of 6 characters but max. 3 in one place at a time.

Protagonists - the nameless mare, Twilight Sparkle, Archangel Lucyfer (only in one scene).

Antagonists: High Templar Octavian, Raleflame (his elemental companion), Beliar (The big bad guy)

I think you were right about something being too grimdark claiming it would be worse than the end of the world so I changed it to a bit of a lighter theme - an invasion of a scale never heard or seen in Equestria. The main aim of the invasion? Simple. To pillage, enslave and conquer.

I would like to see your thoughts on this "lighter" theme. (The chapter itself hasn't changed much because of that fact, only a few minor moments.) :)
>> No. 101362
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>To pillage, enslave and conquer

Why? Jes' cuz?

Thread ain't about grand epic themes, sugar, it's about writin' the mane cast in-character...
>> No. 101373
Okay then :)
Well anyway character wise. I want to make the main character a nameless mare whose name I won't reveal, ever. Is this a good idea?
>> No. 101374
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>> No. 101380
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Why?? Jes' cuz?

Y'all startin' to scare me, sugarcube :D
>> No. 101382
It all is part of a plan made by forces unseen :D

Well Beliar conquers worlds because he's a tyrant and wants to achieve Multiverse domination.(typical ain't it?)

Why doesn't she have a name? Well, I think it just would be nicer to have a nameless hero once and a while ;)
>> No. 101383
I like him! (or her lulz) :D
>> No. 101968
Can I call you Jinxie? I think I saw Bollox or maybe it was PinkieMod's civilian guise calling you that a long time ago and it's stuck in my head ever since. If you're not okay with that then that's fine.

I wanted to talk Show vs. Tell. A reviewer went through my work and although my EQD prereader didn't comment on show vs tell, this guy has some kind of wicked nasty personal vendetta against tell and straight-up hated it every time I went for an infodump or a boring description.

I came out of the conversation I had with him about it afterwards with more questions than answers about show vs tell.

See, previously I'd been under the impression that sensory details were a kind of "safe bet" in terms of show vs tell. They communicate in a simple, often boring way, but they don't skip detail that should be "shown."

However, this reviewer would have me purge all "telling" with extreme prejudice. Generally this means boring exposition, boring verbs, and "weather reports."

An example.

>...the terrible weapons used in the fighting were the last magic that the world would see for centuries. From that day forward, the ponies’ lives would be driven not by the powers that were their birthright, but by the machines they would build to help them dominate this new, colder world.

So it's a boring infodump. I understand that it would be more graceful woven into somewhere else, but I enjoy the "mysterious narrating voice" cliche and more to the point a few other reviewers really liked this. Anyway, it's not that I don't understand what's going on here, it's just two diametrically opposed opinions that I can't seem to resolve.

Here's a much tougher issue.

>Daybreak was a slight mare with a lustrous pink coat, all the more prominent where it peeked out from under the collar of her her charcoal-grey vest. Her combed bangs traced up her forehead to an orange and purple mane that evoked her namesake time of day.

Hooray valuable space spent infodumping a character's appearance! The thing is, the reviewer's example of how to change visual description to show vs tell was problematic for me.

Option 1: Imply it. Make her color relevant to something. Describe her color via a character's opinion about her color. Basically, fight tooth and nail to avoid ever directly communicating what her color is. I don't think I can or should do this every time.

The author gave me a handy example of how a character's mane color could be "shown," and... well...

>She brushed a lock of wind-tossed turquoise hair away from her eyes.

Excuse me, but how is this different from just infodumping, apart from the fact that it has a less boring verb than "to be?" Should I follow this rule and accompany every bit of description with a character interacting with said description, i.e. a character having an opinion about a color?

Now don't get me wrong, much of the reviewer's show vs tell advice is going to make my writing better in ways that I do understand and am able to work at, but I'm trying to nail down the exact rules I should be working with here.

Whatever, I'm just rambling. It comes down to this: How hard do I have to fight "showing?" Is the reviewer's advice just more subjective than he thinks? Am I the one who's wrong about not wanting to weigh down simple things by making them metaphorical or implying them sideways? Is my lack of formal training as a writer coming up to bite me?

Ugh, I don't mean to shit up your thread, but I have work to do on this fic and I want to intellectualize my way through while I'm at it.
>> No. 101970
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Naw, that's still in th' spirit of what the thread's for.

I'm thinkin' that you're not out of line in the least with your examples- but that your reviewer really hates certain types of narrators. You got to remember, the prereaders are constantly buried in absolute schlock, and I can explain th' problem- what they see has this narrative 'telling', but goes nowhere with it. Bad fic sits there as if all you got to do is give the cliff's notes- or worse, the worldbuilding- and then folks will be impressed.

The one surefire way to get away with infodump is to spring directly off it into some character caring about or wanting something. It's never about the infodump. It's always 'now that I got THAT out of the way' in the fewest, tightest sentences you can- and then, on to the part that actually engages.

>Daybreak was a slight mare with a lustrous pink coat, all the more prominent where it peeked out from under the collar of her her charcoal-grey vest. Her combed bangs traced up her forehead to an orange and purple mane that evoked her namesake time of day.

an' then

>She cursed it as she worked with the mane-dye, trying again to stain it a black to match her gothy, angsty soul

hehe... just kidding... but you have to bounce off the infodump into something interesting, some opinion or angle that puts it into context. Otherwise you're just setting bricks on th' ground one at a time. Look for the moments when you can use infodump as a setup for some striking observation or insight. That's when you get away with it.

The stuff that's really a problem is when there IS no personal angle, when it's just environment and there's no motivation...
>> No. 102264

That's very good advice. With what I've learned from this experience, I think I'm well armed for my attempt at pushing my writing to the next level.

Just as soon as my life has room for such an endeavor.

Now, I have another issue that I think you're the one to help me with: I want to write a character with a really heavy speech affect.

Wait, don't leave yet!

I am rather attached to this idea. It's distinctive, it links into the character's background, and it's a shoutout to my home city.


I want to use the idea of pidgin: a dialect developed by people of multiple cultures all communicating with each other in a common language that all of them are equally bad at. As you can clearly see, Hawaiian pidgin is distinctive and it cannot be easily communicated via subtle means. I wouldn't know how to scale it back to comprehensible levels without losing much of what I use to communicate the odd pronunciation and phrasing.

>Ho brah, get plenny da kine, yeah? Can handle? If no can, I get 'um. You got? Kay 'den, go bus' em up!

>Whoa brah, you got plenty of that stuff, yeah? Can you handle it? If not, I got it. You got it? Okay then, go bust them up!

I know I'm essentially trying to make a bad idea work, but I reject the idea that I shouldn't or can't use the concept of a super-heavy accent. I want this character to talk badly, but can I pull off "hard to understand" without "annoying to read?"

In-fic examples.

>Changin' where da kine. Come get me da top floor, sout' side. Make 'um quick!

>"Wassup wit'chu? I stay carryin' da goods, remember? I get pancaked, you jackasses goin' hafta explain..."

>"Got 'um right ‘ere. Jus' bleedin’ to death, thas' all."
>> No. 102270
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Hey Jinx, I've got a couple fics for you to look at. Both are incomplete, but I want to know what you think of how it's coming along and the characterizations

Pass: AppleCake

This one's about Applejack making that cake at the Grand Galloping Gala. I wanna know how well I've been writing AJ, plus the Chef that pops up (who speaks with a german accent, and I also want to know if I overdid it or not)

Covalent Bonding (Title WIP):
Pass: NotShippingButRariBloomWouldBeACoolShip

This takes place in the near future, where Apple bloom would be couple years older than the mane six. Rarity is helping her get ready for a date. Again, incomplete (ends in the middle of a sentence but I got stuck) but I want to focus on my characterizations of Rarity and AB

Really appreciate the help; if you have any questions on how either of the stories will turn out if that'll help you with anything, please ask! I have to leave in a minute, but again, appreciate it!
>> No. 102273
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Wow- knew there was a reason I liked you- did you know I've done exactly that? Not learned ta speak pidgin, exactly, but studied it.

There's a book called Catch A Fire about Bob Marley's life. The Jamaican reggae stars spoke pidgin. There were some similarities. Did you notice how often that girl said 'how fe'? "I'm going to show you how fe speak pidgin'. That's also present in th' Jamaican patois. Works like 'how for', and like Applejack slang it's a lil' more fluid than "how" "to" with the distinct tongue positions.

In th' song "I Shot The Sheriff", the covers usually run "Every day, the bucket goes to the well, one day the bottom will drop out". But the original reggae is pidgin- the phrase is a Jamaican homily. "Every day, the bucket a go a well- one day, the bottom a go drop out".

It's good to switch up spellings of words being used differently. You'd say No in the normal sense, or for emphasis, but in the 'not' sense it would go "It's not like we nuh can.."

I don't think you can really tone it down- just structure it carefully. Is this a poni story with literally a Hawaiian in it? I wondered whether you might be inventin' a creole for the Diamond Dogs or somethin'.

Regardless, studyin' this stuff will bring great gifts- and bein' so interested in it bodes well. Brightens my day to see it :)
>> No. 102277
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Hm- worries me that you're recappin' from the actual show. I'm skippin' past that part- seen it.

Gosh... far be it from me ta impugn th' charms of Applejack, but that guard's a shit guard! No offense? What's the point of him even bein' in th' story if he's such a pushover? And it'd be nice if there was ANY canon evidence that Applejack's a rare beauty... *snif*

Can't git around me THAT way ;)

Oh, now, the chef pony's flippin' his mood about too? That ain't no good. You gotta let him stay cranky, it'll be better. Th' accent is kinda worryin', but then so is him talkin' about terrorists- THEM things ain't canon to Equestria unless'n you count what some ponies will do to a cake in th' dead of night. Do not mix comedic switches of mood with references to terrorists. If y'all want a lighthearted romp, make EVERYTHIN' creampuffs and b'loons.

As for the second one...
I dunno if it was an accident, but this:
>"No, no, no; this is too gaudy for somepony of your modest graces"
That there's a classic Rarity burn- hardly even notice the shiv. Hah!
Trouble is, I can't believe NOHOW that Rarity would go broke, or that lil' Apple Bloom would buy the building from her. That there's a book-fling moment. Also not thrilled with th' idea that Sweetie died. So this is kind of maddenin' and I can see why you stalled- you got you a natural gift for being able to write Rarity, you have Apple Bloom sounding natural too, but the events in th' story defy belief. Got to find some less outrageous ideas, like Apple Bloom rents space in Carousel Boutique for a wood shop or somethin'. Don't give up because you're hearin' Rarity's voice very well apart from the stuff you got her doin'.

You're doin' good in character voices, especially Rarity, but you got folks' attitudes flippin' around like beached fish, and the stuff you're prepared to just accept into th' story is like tryin' to bake a cake with flour, eggs, shoes an' Pinkie Pie's butt: seems like funny ideas and then when you try to actually do it, for some reason it's very hard to do and won't fit in th' pan! Killin' off characters works like you're doin' it IN the story, changes the tone completely. You can't have a lighthearted romp over the corpse of dead Sweetie, or a friendly lil' story about how Rarity's lost everything she cared about and become penniless. It's jes' asking too much and this is why you are struggling. Try less crazy stuff, or tone it down, or scrap all the friendly and funny stuff and just go full angst (which probably ain't what you really want).
>> No. 102298

That's cool to hear that you studied pidgin! A lot of people consider it really representative of Hawaii's history. What was your interest in it? Linguistics? Asian studies?

The character's origins are analogous to Hawaii. You know how Ponyville appears to be the most racially diverse town in the show? That's my headcanon anyway. Your idea is interesting though-- making it the dialect of an obviously foreign character.
>> No. 102301

Oh, one more thing: Your post actually illustrates one of the main problems with this whole idea. Despite understanding what you're going for, the Jamaican example was a little confusing to me, and more importantly, I would have spelled it how fo' instead of how fe. The difference is huge and you and I apparently disagree over it. And we're the ones who are most likely to get it...

Off topic. The griffin bit in 'Rarity's' vindicated almost almost every griffin headcanon of mine like crazy, and obviously created a few more. That was beautiful. Your work is fantastic as always.
>> No. 102308
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Thanks! Making a note of everything...

>Hm- worries me that you're recappin' from the actual show. I'm skippin' past that part- seen it.
I did that just to kinda set the setting up. Should I just take it out?

>What's the point of him even bein' in th' story if he's such a pushover?
I felt that there needed to be some obstacle in AJ's path to the kitchen, and it would also serve as some sort of well, I don't know exactly what word to use, so I'll just say "catalyst"-- serve as some sort of catalyst for the encounter between the Chef and AJ. (Not to mention the subject of some comedy)
My train of thought was that if it were just the chef, he'd kick her out immediatly, but I wanted it to look like she was being accepted at first, but then shot down soon after

>Th' accent is kinda worryin', but then so is him talkin' about terrorists-
I'll fix that up then. Maybe just leave it at "thieves"

>Trouble is, I can't believe NOHOW that Rarity would go broke, or that lil' Apple Bloom would buy the building from her. That there's a book-fling moment. [...] Got to find some less outrageous ideas, like Apple Bloom rents space in Carousel Boutique for a wood shop or somethin'.
Noted. Maybe Apple Bloom's business is going down and she had to depend on Rarity instead.

>Also not thrilled with th' idea that Sweetie died. [...] Killin' off characters works like you're doin' it IN the story, changes the tone completely.
The idea was that it was supposed to set up for a series--well, not so much a series as it is a group of stories that are loosely connected. One example is the thing with Applejack; it was supposed to imply that something had happened and it would be explained sometime later.

The idea was that Sweetie never got her cutie mark (while AB and scoots did) and her desparation for one ended up being her downfall. This would have been explained later, not in this specific story, but you get what I mean, right? Either way, I can try and work with it to make it better.

>You can't have a lighthearted romp over the corpse of dead Sweetie, or a friendly lil' story about how Rarity's lost everything she cared about and become penniless. It's jes' asking too much and this is why you are struggling. Try less crazy stuff, or tone it down, or scrap all the friendly and funny stuff and just go full angst (which probably ain't what you really want).
Alright, I get this, but I was also trying to emulate real drama; things jump from one thing to another, not necessarily consistently, things are misunderstood (the part I was just about to get into was Apple Bloom getting angry because Rarity sounded like she didn't care for her at all aside from being a replacement sister), and that there are multiple ups and downs (meaning something seems all fine and dandy when suddenly something screws over). I guess it's not working too well anyway, so I'll fix it to make it more consistent.

>you got folks' attitudes flippin' around like beached fish, and the stuff you're prepared to just accept into th' story is like tryin' to bake a cake with flour, eggs, shoes an' Pinkie Pie's butt: seems like funny ideas and then when you try to actually do it, for some reason it's very hard to do and won't fit in th' pan!
Okay, so consistency seems to be the biggest thing I need to work on for these

>a friendly lil' story about how Rarity's lost everything she cared about and become penniless.
"Friendly lil story"? Ha, well, I tried my best not to make it sound like that, but I guess me narration needs some work anyway.

Anyway, thanks again for the help, I really appreciate it!
>> No. 102381

Hey guys.

I'm about to be totally fucking brilliant.

The term "clopfic" comes from the idea of ponies masturbating using their hooves, right? Well, for a griffin-centric fanfic (stay with me here) it would obviously have a different name. And based on the Jinxieverse's griffons...

You would call such a thing a slash fic.
>> No. 102797
Got a bit of a challenge for you--a community fic. As in, there were 6 authors doing one 'chapter' at a time.

It's just over 20K words, but considering the authors have a smattering of 5- and 6-star (EqD) fics to their credit it shouldn't be too bad a read.

I'm the first author, and since I'm new to authoring I wanted to check over the characterization, and possibly smooth over the roughest of the rough edges. (We're actually debating about submitting it somewhere, and how to deal with the authorship--i.e., whether to send it in as a community fanfic or make up a pseudonym.)

Title: Boredom is Contagious
Tags: Normal, Comedy, Mane-6, Spike, CMCs, Ditzy Doo, OCs (feel free to suggest new tags)
Summary: The CMCs are bored. Uhoh. Then they stumble into what may be a disease outbreak and chaos ensues. On the bright side, they're no longer bored...

Linky: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KwpwzcX4WlQtn8P8zlEayqLPgf2Gxz7qvuJXrcQRRyI/edit
>> No. 102852
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Gosh. Honey, I had to give up after a while there... I can't handle that! I'll jes' talk about the whole idea. Don't you see we can't respond, IC-like, to six different authors at once? Y'all put a peck o' stories in a blender, on purpose. I did say 'realistically' in th' OP, that ain't your primary agenda here.

As for the stunt aspect- it looks AND feels like y'all had fun. I wonder if it would be best for you to hide the change-over points and make it a game? This ain't properly a fic, it's an event. I would hate to see it become a common thing because regular writing would suffer from th' distraction, but it really does look like you had fun and that's contagious- and picking the CMCs for it was clever, 'cos they get up to wacky hijinks expressed in a series of unrelated scenes you cut between.

I think this is a good thing you done, even if I hope EVERYPONY don't start tryin' to do it on all sorts of topics less suitable. But good as it is, I can't review it writin' wise.
>> No. 102853
Title: "I need Cash..."
Author: Arby Works/Mr. Masato
Edited by: Scootalloo and Void Chicken of FiMFiction.net.
Tags: [Comedy][Slice of Life]
Description: "When Rainbow Dash ruins an item she borrowed, she has to find a way to replace it by it's due date, which is the next day. Out of money and out of luck, Rainbow Dash needs to make some cash... and fast."
Google Docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/157WSCP6qf5A0BEWetDxI8xR3YlaMQ0oQuKwQmlm5yhM/edit
FiMFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/26546/%26quot%3BI-need-Cash...%26quot%3B

Hello, again. Arby Works with a one-shot here, requesting input from the Training Grounds... and Applejinx in this case. Feel free to reject this if you choose. It's approximately 10,086 words, so it's a decent length.
Thanks, and I hope you have a nice day,
Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
>> No. 102862
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Yeah- the way this is written, it feels nice and all, but nothing's HAPPENING... erk!

Okay, I see where this is going. This is like a little fun story! It's like what you'd see on TV, except for rolling around in the mud with Derpy which is probably too kinky for TV. Hmm, foalsitting? This won't end well. Holy buck, are they paying a lot for it though! Lex Luthor paid forty bits. Forty. And that's terrible... well, okay, awesome...

If you have me lettin' the baby nurse off me, I'm kicking you in the side of the head, fair warning. What a bait and switch that would be...

Yeah, you're getting some stuff wrong, like switching 'was' with 'is- they call that tenses and it should stay pretty much the same. And sometimes when you say the same thing over and over it's, like, really boring.

*glare* It's okay. Nice. Except seriously, NOPONY would ever believe that stuff about the b...basement for a moment. Yeaaah, right, like I'd get spooked or freak out like that. And even if anypony did believe it, NOPONY would ever find it funny, not if they, you know, loved me and stuff. Nuh-uh! That part? Worst part EVER. You should totally delete it.
>> No. 102863
File 133726574608.png - (129.09KB , 319x293 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 5_26 PM.png )
You do, and I'll buck you into next week. Cutest scene I ever saw.
...sorry, Dashie.
>> No. 102864
File 133726579828.png - (12.71KB , 100x100 , Rainbow_100x100_98.png )
>> No. 102871
Urk! That darn tensing but... well...

*ahem* ALRIGHTY THEN, thanks for your reply, Rainbow. Unfortunately, the basement has to stay. It HAS to stay. Dignity be forgotten for the moment.

Again, thanks for the reply, especially for doing it so fast. I hope you have a nice day,
Mr. Masato/Arby Works.
>> No. 102888
OK, that was my fault. I guess no matter how good an apple pie you bake you can't eat it all at once, Soarin's efforts notwithstanding.

Do have to disagree with the thing about not being 'realistic'... we are all trying to keep the characters in tune with the show, after all.

Would you consider assessing the characterizations on an author-by-author basis?
>> No. 102892
File 133728325452.png - (276.13KB , 501x460 , Screen shot 2011-12-22 at 8_15 AM.png )
Nope. It's too big of a project. I don't even know where I'd start (er, author 1 presumably). I'd have to analyze how one author's angle interacted with the next one up- it's a damn mare's nest and I don't mean pegasus house.

How can you be makin' a fic like this and simultaneously be trying to make it cohesive and in-character like a regular fic? Just run with the 'stunt' nature of it in some way. Your authors have strikingly different styles in places. I'm not gonna take on executive-producer duties- silly pony I might be, but I ain't crazy!
>> No. 102893
File 133728327085.jpg - (1.66MB , 3172x2000 , rainbow_dash_in_the_storm_by_foxkin-d4nyn7k.jpg )
Greetings, cast. This one is just for Dash and Pinkie, unless Spitfire or Soarin are hanging around somewhere. I'd like to get a stamp of approval on the characterizations, if it's worthy of such.

This is a re-write of chapter 1 of my 6-chapters-so-far story, Rainbow Typhoon. I'm working on re-doing chapter 2 right now. The other chapters are likely to remain mostly as is during this rewrite period. But this request is just for chapter 1.

Title: Rainbow Typhoon
Tags: [adventure]
Synopsis: Sometimes reckless, often daring, always loyal, Rainbow Dash's one goal in life is to become a Wonderbolt. With a little help from a storm, her fondest wish is about to come true. But not all weather in Equestria can be controlled, and the plans of a brave little pegasus mean nothing to a hurricane.
GDoc: http://tinyurl.com/rainbowtyphoon1
Length: ~3200 words

Hopefully there will few grammatical errors. I've got a very good proofreader. :) (Happy birthday, Spabble!)

This is on MintyRest's queue also, on hold for a while but just re-activated today.
>> No. 102904
File 133728751143.png - (14.93KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_07.png )
Hm. Rainbow is napping, and Pinkie's offended, so I'll take up the critical lance and joust away for you- how's that?

This fic worries me. It's loaded with italics and hijinks but it's hard to tell what matters in it. I wondered if maybe Rainbow was getting set up with Pinkie, but I didn't get much of a sense of it- and then Rainbow missed seeing the Wonderbolts, only to be surprised by them turning up at her house. It's all slapstick, but we're supposed to take their offer seriously?

You've got to be more careful of your tone, and think about what you're trying to accomplish. I can't tell whether it's supposed to be very light and giddy, or a romance, or some sort of drama centered around Dash playing Wonderbolt for a day. And the ending would raise more questions- if she got offered a spot with them, what about Pinkie back home? Is Soarin' into her? If she doesn't win a position with them in true Mary Sue Dash-gets-all-the-breaks fashion, what was all that slapstick stuff for?

Rainbow's tough to write for because you need her vulnerability to make her sympathetic, but her vulnerability isn't just about crashing into things, it's her fear of not measuring up. She wouldn't admit it to you, but she's awfully driven and insecure, and doesn't shake things off that easily. What she does, is bluster, and she's really good at that.

Pinkie's really dumb here. Why's she offering Dash a worm? When she's acting crazy usually she's three steps ahead of everypony. She skips ahead to the end of the script, offers the solution, and can't figure out why the rest of us aren't on board. The really startling thing is why Pinkie hasn't done a replay of her shock routine when she first met ME, and promptly started dragging Dash to the train station. She KNOWS Dash worships the Wonderbolts. You've seen how she acts when she knows what must happen, and Dash not being there at the train station tells her what must happen. Why is she offering Dash a worm, and not caring about the obvious wrongness of Dash not being there to see the Wonderbolts arrive?

Some of Rainbow's mental philosophy seem more like what Rarity or I might think- or for that matter Pinkie, in one of those moments that confound us and leave us staring. I've never seen Rainbow ponder the ephemerality of peak experience. I have seen her knock over my bookcase, however.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more upbeat- I was in the middle of something and kind of fired off my real thoughts without moderating them. If it's any consolation, there's little correlation between my critical opinions and mass appeal? Applejack seems to have a better instinct for that, and she's cooking dinner. And Pinkie's cross because she doesn't offer people worms- though between you and me, that 'baked bads' incident tells me she's got no business being snippy about it, she's even eaten them!

Just keep a closer eye on your tone sentence-by-sentence? And present tense is a bit of a handicap if you're focusing on the events of the story.
>> No. 102969
Thanks for the comments, Twilight. I made several changes within the hour as a result. One of the biggest advantages to having a critical review is pointing out what the author just can't see. (Forest/trees.) And for this, I'm always grateful to my reviewers. Thank you.

A few of the things I was doing wrong and could then fix because of your observations:

>[Rainbow Dash] doesn't shake things off that easily.
I wasn't entirely happy about her departure from the train station, and your comment helped me see why. It isn't like her just to shrug something like that off and move on when she's disappointed. It takes a bit more effort on her writer's part to handle such emotional moments. I needed to put in that extra effort there.

The whole of my story is spent inside Dash's head as she fends off challenges and setbacks, again and again, rising to meet each one with her determination and loyalty. I want the reader there with her as she learns and grows as a result. There's none of that growing in this first chapter. This is the establishment of her baseline state and the warm-up to the triggering event of the story—which takes place in those last few lines.

>Why's she offering Dash a worm?
This was the moment I was most certain needed to be removed, even prior to your comment. I just didn't know why. Pinkie is random, she likes practical jokes, so the worm bit is right, right? Wrong. I forgot the one thing any MLP fanfic writer should never forget: her Element of Harmony.

If what she does doesn't invoke laughter, then its. just. not. right. I completely missed that with the worm. Dash wasn't laughing.

The worm is now pushing up the daisies.

>...why Pinkie hasn't...started dragging Dash to the train station.
This was a failure of narration. As often happens to writers—or at least to ME—there was more in my head than went into the story. I knew the order and time of events that happen outside the scope of the PoV, but I failed to convey that information to the reader.

Hopefully, a few small tweaks later, and it becomes obvious why Pinkie isn't dragging Dash off—because she knows the train is already gone. She just needs the chance (granted by me) to tell Dash, but have Dash not understand. I erroneously gave the impression that she was leading Dash on. That's not our Pinkie Pie.

Sorry if you thought this was a shipping fic. Not sure where that came from. I don't use that tag. (Did once, long ago, but got rid of it. It would have detracted from the overall tone of the story.) I'll keep an eye out for inadvertent shipping signs and squelch them. Except for Dash and Soarin—I'll permit them some small amount of chemistry even though I won't progress it past that. (Not even what-if thoughts.)

As for the tone, I've thought this out quite a bit. The story gets darker as it goes. Not [grimdark] at all, just building tension and danger, adventure style. But that tone can't be kept up continuously without wearing down the reader. Interjecting humor here and there in between the gaps gives relief, and can make a huge difference. But slapstick in the middle of the climax would, of course, be inappropriate. The quantity should be proportional to the level of tension.

So here at the beginning of the story, where there is hardly any tension at all (some in the first scene, only the minutest traces elsewhere) is where this humor should be most concentrated. I mean, if there was no humor here, then adding some later would seem wildly out of place.

Is there too much here in chapter 1? I'll keep an eye on that and try to make sure it stays in balance with later chapters. Whether there is or isn't, the humor will drop steadily as the story progresses and the stress builds.

And don't worry about always being upbeat. I have a feeling that the "victims" of a review are usually far more impacted by the idea of *gasp* Changing Their Words than any amount of off-the-hoof tone can do. :)

Here, have a wormy muffin. The protein is GOOD for you! :)
>> No. 103575
Hi there! I've got a chapter of my time loop fic, Glitched, for submission. The chapter's about half-finished, but it reaches a good concluding point. My main worry is whether Twilight's actions keep her IC and remain distinct enough from canon.

Title: Glitched
Characters; Twilight Sparkle
Tags: SciFi, Dark
Synopsis: When Twilight becomes trapped in a time loop on the week of her brother's wedding, she makes up her mind to escape, stop the Changelings, and save the Royal Couple in the process. But this is no ordinary Groundhog Day, and as the Loops go on, her mind and those of her friends will be driven to the brink. After all, when you’re whirling through eternity, one more step might be all that’s needed to fall into the darkness—forever.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zRidqITlj4SdBFDSLBV7mxdLlXqB9uC2VNQsX_hOwII/edit

Thank you!
-Golden Vision

(Note that the BBCode is only there for purposes of eventual submission to fimfiction. I hope it isn't too distracting)
>> No. 103576
Oh, I should probably add that this is a resubmission of sorts. I'd forgotten that I came here a few weeks ago with an earlier version of this chapter. My bad!
>> No. 103591
File 133774037023.jpg - (5.97KB , 299x169 , wideeyedscootaloo.jpg )
Whoa! A time loop story! Ooh the allure is too great, I simply must read. I'm somewhat of an expert on time travel anomalies
>> No. 103594
My apologies if it's not too long (2.3k words, and only 4 scenes or so). My main concern at the moment is the beginning/introduction—from there, everything should flow fine. The first Loop(s), I think, are the toughest to get right.

Still, I am glad that somebody's already interested!
>> No. 103602
Are you kidding?! The best stories tend to be 10-15k, although I've seen a few shorter. I'd like to help in anyway I can because time travel is my forte. But I don't want to get in anypony's way, and I certainly don't want to use up somepony else's thread. Run it by me when Applejinx is through with it. I doubt he'd she? miss something I wouldn't but it couldn't hurt right? My queue's empty anyway
>> No. 103623
File 133776456939.png - (16.83KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_48.png )
Well then! I'll do my best, Golden, and I...

>with a limp in one of legs


>one of her wings was twisted at an awkward angle as well

Oh, come on, it wasn't- I've just gone back and watched it. I can only conclude that there was a changeling lurking behind the grassy knoll, but Rainbow's wing was certainly not...

>Rarity’s horn had a dent in it

*urk* *gag* Applejaaack! This is all wrong, and it's giving me 'body horror', can you...

Wait, it's like that for a reason, isn't it? TIME LOOP!

Well, that's hooked me into the time loop concept in no uncertain terms! My only concern is that you're writing so roughly. Perhaps it has built up over several loops? Did I really break Cadence's, I mean Chrysalis's leg? Does that mean they'll have to shoot her? Better not aim for any holes or it defeats the purpose!

It looks like you're going to have fun with this- I just think you need to dig a little deeper. Princess Celestia can be very stern and still have empathy. You've got to look beyond the simplest, crudest interpretations of things- everypony's breaking legs or wings or *shudder* horns, Princess Celestia is turning totally hostile when provoked, everything is on one level. I can see it's a violent action fic, but you need to allow a little more depth, at least some of the time. I realize you can't really have Chrysalis self-doubting and having second thoughts, or anything silly like that, I'm just looking for things to be a little less direct- like with Celestia's 'sternness overriding her empathy' or some such thing.
>> No. 103625
First off, thanks for the review!

>I can see it's a violent action fic
It actually isn't, if you can believe it. Something that I guess I didn't make clear in the first scene, for example, was that this was the first Loop—the closest to canon, as it were. The difference here was that the changelings don't hold back—they go for the kill rather than the capture, and start off the Loops (but not necessarily set them off) that way.

>Perhaps it has built up over several loops?
If by this you mean Twilight's reaaction, then I've made a mistake. My primary concern was whether a Twilight who—first Loop, no knowledge of what's going on whatsoever—would have reacted in such a way immediately upon re-encountering Chrysalis/Cadance, even in environment that's seemingly normal. Over the Loops, Twilight's actions and reactions will get increasingly extreme, so I'm basically using this as a baseline.

>Princess Celestia is turning totally hostile when provoked
I'm not actually sure what the problem with this is, so I'd really appreciate it if you could clarify this. In canon, when Twilight just accused Cadance, Celestia clearly held no sympathy for her, and just walked out on her without even protesting Shining Armor telling his sister not to bother showing up. Here, Twilight's just attacked her niece and smashed her against a wall while babbling something about changelings and invasions—if that's no need for a harsh reaction, and possibly suspecting that Twilight may be mentally imbalanced as well, then I don't really know what would be.

Anyways, thanks again! It seems that you liked this version of the chapter better than the previous one, which is great.

I've got to head out for now, but I'm glad you're intrigued! I guess I'll stick it in there for you to take a look.

-Golden Vision
>> No. 103629
Gah; something else that I forget to ask. What do you mean by "more depth"? If it's emotional depth, then I'm unsure if you mean to have more characters' PoVs represented, or else that I'm getting them OOC. Twilight's definitely going to be thinking about her choices, and like most Time Loop stories, will focus on how other ponies react to changes in the Loops. Again, though, I'm not too sure by what you mean by needing to "dig a little deeper".

This fic will most empathetically not be an action fic; in fact, the focus will be on the psychological trauma that Twilight and later the rest of the Mane Six gain upon being in the Loops for so long. Of course, I wouldn't bring that up this early, but I hope you can see my general point.
>> No. 103630
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>Celestia clearly held no sympathy for her

Oh, now, sugarcube.

Mama alicorn was ANGRY. Doesn't mean she doesn't still love bad Twilight. There's so much implied in "you have a lot to think about", that was so well written. When we are furious with those we love, we'll react differently than with strangers. In a way, the bottled-up, no-suitable-words thing tells a story.
>> No. 103632
File 133777032793.png - (16.58KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_02.png )
You're getting them OOC. The ponies usually have a little more going on, in a multi-level way. Like all the times Dash is putting on a front while being frightened or worried of being thought an egghead- or how AJ and Dash tease me cruelly before the Running Of The Leaves while clearly meaning it in an affectionate way, from my reaction- notice how I'm BLATANTLY not reacting like they really disrespect me- like they're joking, kidding? Or, the way Pinkie is clearly paraspriting me in FPK half the time, seeing that I'm all skeptical and disrespectful of her, and blithely going on her way but with a real edge- like *doorslam* "Pinkie, have you seen Twiiight?" "Uh-huh..." she knows I got slammed in the door, but she's a little fed up with me, so there's a world of sarcasm in her tone. Doesn't stop her still being friends, she's just fed up with all the attitude.

That's the kind of depth I'm talking about, and it comes from having more complicated states of mind. It comes with instinct- you can't really put that stuff in by constructing it from raw materials, you just get a sense of 'Celestia is shocked, or hurt' or 'Pinkie's about had it by this point', or 'Twilight's panicky and jumping to conclusions'. I can tell when stuff's worked out too consciously because the subtlety isn't there, the mental state doesn't 'read' as clearly because it's like a kabuki mask.
>> No. 103755
... Damn, not even I was able to see that far into Pinkie Pie's character. I just took it as Pinkie Pie loves to be annoyingly straightforward and simple, giving no more or less information than is asked for, to the letter. I'm very glad I came over and looked at this.
>> No. 104387
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Tags: Comedy, Slice-of-life, random

Description: Sleep. Peaceful, calm, and absolutely nuts. When Pinkie, with the help of Pinkie, launches herself out of a cannon, she unleashes herself onto the dreams of all the other residents of Ponyville. It's going to be very long night.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28462/I-Dream-of-Pinkie
>> No. 104389
File 133828814260.png - (12.04KB , 100x100 , Pinkie_100x100_18.png )
Whee! This idea is always fun. It still is!
Dashie's gonna kick you into next week for making her a turtle, though!
Hey, Angel is a nervous stallion? *snicker* Fluttershy! Sublimation, much?
*SNICKER* oh, Rarity! At least candy is just bad for my teeth!
Okay, how come you're soooo good at sounding like Discord, huh? Everything else was just okay and silly and fun, and then when Discord shows up, it's like he's THERE. It must be 'cos your slightly childish tone goes with his dialogue perfectly! I hear it in his voice, BIGTIME. It's creeeeeepy.
It was really cute! Thanks for writing it! :D
>> No. 104390
File 133829410205.png - (70.93KB , 467x539 , 130060382841-spike.png )
(Okay this looks like great fun, so hope you don't me putting a request in. I've got on waiting in the Training Grounds)


Hello Everypony,

I'm Dice, a new writer around here and well... You see I think there's something going on between Applejack and Rarity. Did you see the way those two were after staying over at Twilight's for her first slumber party? You know how the song "Opposites Attract"... Yeah.

So anyway, I was hoping that maybe Rarity, Applejack and their friends could take a look at my first attempt!



Title: The Jewel of Reinsburg
Tags: Romance (Sweet & Sappy), Adventure
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/28338/The-Jewel-of-Reinsburg

Synopsis: When Rarity invited Applejack to spend a beautiful summer's day together, in order to talk to her about a personal and delicate matter, neither pony could have imagined it would be brought to an abrupt end by a Prince from the neighboring country of Saltlickenstein inviting Rarity to his magnificent jeweled city to commission her fashion skills.

The regal and charming Prince Lazuli sweeps Rarity and her friends off to his beautiful kingdom, but as things start to go horribly wrong for the unlikely friends it's up to Applejack to uncover and stop a sinister plot and stop a ruthless villain.

But can she do it in time to rescue the elegant purple-haired Unicorn? And can she face her fears of destroying their friendship forever for the sake of something even more special between the odd-couple?

Turn off your brain, grab your popcorn and get ready for a cheesy romantic adventure!

Other: There's a lot here (split into several chapters) so please feel free to read the first chapter and see if you enjoy it. :)
>> No. 104391
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Well, now, let's have a look at this lil'... oop! This thirty thousand word epic! Jes' teasing, some folks like Short Skirts do that in a chapter. Mind you, I can't read his recent updates 'cos it's too slack of a pacing, so you takes your chances...

Hm. Pickin' stuff from my mane is always tricky on account of no HANDS. Spittin' twigs every which way... ain't nothin' discreet about it.

For heaven's sake, Rarity's about ta propose to me? From the way we was actin' I reckoned we was up each other's hoohas most weeknights! Well, one thing about it, that proves that you can write me and Rarity as a romantic couple when the time IS right to do it, because I found it pretty convincin'.

Shucks- I don't even need to read past th' first chapter. I like you, Dice, and I leave off th' reading knowing that I would cheerfully carry right on and keep goin'. I think your setup worked.

That is not to say it's perfect writin'! I stumbled over a bunch of line-editor stuff, from the trickiness about very human actions mapped onto four-legged ponies, to outright word mistakes. Always go over your stuff again- if you got it that close to really tight writin', you can probably sort out some of the details if you're tenacious. I like to put my stuff on FIMfiction and look at it with edit mode off- the font, line flow, everything are different, and sometimes I see stuff I didn't see before.

But the main thing is, I can feel where the story lives, and I can feel where each character wants to go, as well as guess (from your teaser) what's liable to get in the way. I call that a good job, so you keep on keepin' on, y'hear? Always work that contrast between surface things and the inner feelings- the more subtly you can work it, the more readers start treatin' you like some kind of magician, because that is the way to give them these epiphanies they weren't expectin' to have.

And that is a fine thing to do with the written word- first, feel and express feelings, and second, enlighten rather than jes' surprise. If you can work them underlyin' things, you can enlighten, and I believe that is good for readers- not just entertainin' but actually good for them as people. If you can lead them to think about the hearts of others- well, ain't much more worth doin'.

Cheers, and get some editors to work on your mane until it's even more presentable :)
>> No. 104392
File 133829912794.png - (22.14KB , 231x182 , 130126855908.png )

Well shucks, thanks AJ. ;)

Should probably make it clear you're picking those twigs out with your mouth huh? Seeings as most earth ponies tend to use teeth for the tricky stuff like that. :)

Way I see it that Rarity she's one for the dramatics and confessions-of-love and all that. Maybe she is a little over-the-top... Hmmm...

And I've got some folks helping me with my grammar and errors and I've tried to go through it loads myself, I'm not the best technical writer but I'm learning and with their help I think I can get it nice and spiffy!

I'm glad you enjoyed it and thank you for taking the time to review it! I really appreciate it!

>> No. 108173
would characterization from Hearth's warming eve count?
>> No. 108178
File 134040872605.png - (317.70KB , 566x490 , Screen shot 2011-12-06 at 1_43 PM 1.png )
Don't see why not. Ponies is ponies. Besides, them Hearth Warmin' ponies were really us.
>> No. 108546
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Was wondering if you could take a look at this attempt at a fic. It's still pretty rough around around the edges, but I want to make sure I'm on the right track with my characters; it's the most important part of this particular fic.

Tags: [Sad] (I do love my sadfics)

Synopsis: Twilight starts her day preparing for the celebration of an event very important to her and her friends... but things do not work out the way she wanted them to.

A newcomer has torn her world asunder, and she has to figure why he's done it. For some strange reason, he keeps calling her an idea, and saying he's the one who made her. [This is pretty rough too, if there is anything about it that sticks out as bad, please say so.]

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZvOH8yYhiTIbDDgPm23d7k0pMnWIVwCGf-OmQCcmX_o/edit?pli=1
>> No. 108601
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Sugarcube, you're like some unholy hybrid of shortskirtsandexplosions, and RobCakeran53. Everything you're doin' here is on th' conceptual level, and that's the shallow end of th' pool. You don't do a thing to legitimately draw a reader into the story- from th' word go, you're introducing Twi and then she's 'the unicorn' right away- distancing. Anytime you do get involving with her, even if it's cheesey, you cut away to the author being worried that his puppet will be sad. WHY? That ain't the Twi I know. Your basic character writing hasn't risen beyond your beginner fic-writer level because you're not asking it to- you're intentionally putting everypony into bold primary colors just to make sure everyone understands they are themselves.

There's a reason FIMfiction's cracked down on meta fics- they're an intellectual stunt, and so's this. It ONLY works on the intended level, as a wildly 'meta' conceptual thing, but it's a 'My Little Dashie' in the sadfic sense because it's manipulative cheap date as far as the sad goes. ALL the work is bein' done by the actual show and our experiences with it, and you don't even trust that- you're telling us Rarity is a 'fashionista' and such. Everypony's a caricature of themselves- or a Cliff's Notes of themselves.

And the reason is, your basic concept is not giving them a story and a world- but taking it away, and then insisting that they embody some kind of grand inspirational spirit outside of their humble lil' lives.

Listen. You've got it all backwards. Spike doesn't sneer at Twi's checklists- he loves her. Fluttershy doesn't use Angel as an assertiveness trainer- he's like a little kid and she's wrapped around his little paw (but is doin' better, since Putting Your Hoof Down). She struggles constantly to NOT speak out on her impulses, not TO speak out! We saw what she really thinks in Suited For Success and Putting Your Hoof Down! An' much as I love Rainbow she ain't a life-lesson-lecture giver, in such a scene she's talkin' about herself and her perspective, not stepping outside herself to offer wise advice to Twilight. She assumes Twi will be fine. You get a pep talk from her if she wants you to do somethin' FOR her. (or TO her... *whap* ow! sorry, Dashie!). And why'd she not get mad when accused of slacking, to her face? You think she's that kind of confident that she'd just shrug that off? She goes ballistic when accused of bein' a dropout or slacker! Not even a flash of anger? From Dashie?

Pinkie's so off... you got her so consciously meta, so aware of her functions, yet brooding enough that she can be worried. Pinkie's like a bubble on a big ol' wave: she doesn't know how she does any of the stuff she does, she's just impulsive. She won't fret- she's the one with the confidence you impart to Dash, and if it gets broken down she swings just as violently to other extremes and then bounces back, like a kid, without a lot of reflective pondering. And she NEVER considers what she does to be crazy or not makin' sense. Those of us who know her know that to HER it always makes total sense and she's doin' it with total confidence even if it's wearin' a map on your face.

Rarity ain't bashful of her art at all, and she knows where EVERY scrap and ribbon goes- or she goes nuts! If she can't find a thing, we've seen what happens. All that stuff that looks messy? She knows where every single pin is.

I don't like the snarkiness and depressiveness of th' narrator/author. If ya don't like the tone of us stereotypical ponies and Twi callin' Spike 'number one assistant', write somethin' else- the whole POINT of the story is you're writin' it all so you got no call to git mad at Twi for actin' that way when you're makin' her do it in th' first place.

I have read this thing forwards and backwards now (as you can prob'ly tell) and I'll say this: you are gonna have some ponies thinkin' it's a brilliant, heart-wrenching piece of art. Them ponies need to get out more. And you need to get more sincere, and lose that distance between yourself and the warmth of MLP- you're gettin' hung up on the surface things, you're missing basic stuff about the personalities (not all of them, and not completely, but still), and you're constructing a stunt, not a story. You've put a lot of work into it and it's a good stunt but you could've left out all the 'heartwarming life lessons' stuff. The basic concept is cold as th' grave and dressing it up with sentimentality is a lil' gruesome. You're screaming from the rooftops, "All these ponies you love DIE at the end!" and making Twi understand it and accept it, and you can't even let her be upset and hurt, you gotta force them all to regurgitate friendship lessons about it?

With all that foofaraw about them DYING at the end I'd love to see what you'd do with a sequel. Boom, suddenly Twi is 'alive' again, probably well ticked off at the 'author' for putting her through all that, and very skeptical of anything he says from this point onward. Hm? Can you 'hear' Twilight's annoyance, her voice in your authorly head, rather than just making up what it is she would say? How does she feel about bein' lied to? Or technically it was a half-truth...

Move on and write somethin' that isn't The Grand Big Idea With All Characters Summing Up The Essence Of Themselves. Ya done that. Call it a chrysalis, now having said all that, write on :)
>> No. 108605
File 134071615064.png - (62.14KB , 551x513 , Surprise_WOAH.png )
>Sugarcube, you're like some unholy hybrid of shortskirtsandexplosions, and RobCakeran53.
That got a laugh out of me.

Hmm, I'm still trying to wrap my head around exactly what you're saying. Is it something like, "Stop trying to be a philosopher and write about ponies"? This thing has been in the works for far too long, I suspect, and I've distanced myself from the reader's perspective because of it.

It seems this story is far too ambitious to attempt to incorporate all of the main characters of the show, so what I end up doing is just giving glances of caricatures of the characters. And my narrator is saying something to the effect of 'I realize this is a cheap way to make people feel sad, but I'm gonna do it anyways'.

Alright, I'll have to step back from this fic for a while and come back for a re-write later. I didn't want to make it about anypony's death, but rather their imperviousness to it. I'll do it in a more creative way, one that doesn't require the sadness/brutality of me killing off everyone.
>> No. 108610
File 134071876569.png - (357.51KB , 562x553 , Screen shot 2011-12-22 at 7_21 AM.png )
Touch it up until it is the MOST of what it is- which might mean changin' stuff, or you might even be done! Then put it out there because I guarantee there's some ponies who'll like the heck out of it- and then most important part- MOVE ON and write something that struggles less, somethin' less important. This one needed to be important so much it kinda ate itself! Makes it just perfect for certain ponies, so don't you give up on it now- just don't take it as the greatest thing in th' history of ever, on account of it ain't!
>> No. 108728
File 134082669291.png - (2.88MB , 1600x900 , 134068859761.png )
Title: Scribes are Weird

Genre: Adventure, Comedy, Slice of life.

Contains Mane six and an OC.

Short Synopsis: Ghostwriter is Celestia's personal scribe, though he has doubts about his own skills and is ridiculed for his odd quirks. When Celestia sends him to Ponyville for an important assignment, Ghost sees it as a chance for a fresh start. But will he find the there are ponies that can like him for him?

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YdbTwDIFhE4FJxe3qnXVe5-3M-2V6F-C4wbqnwbroTA/edit

Yeah not the most original idea but... well a little help would be nice.

While it doesn't contain to much of the mane six, save for Twilight, it's mainly introductions of my character to their cast and i would like to know if i got them down okay. This first chapter only has Applejack, Twilight, and Rarity. Those are the characters i think i have the best grasp on so far so yeah if yah can thanks for the help.

P.S. tell Derpy i said hi!
>> No. 108731
File 134082964965.png - (12.88KB , 100x100 , Rarity_100x100_05.png )
Darling, while the spirit is willing, the so-needed skill is dreadfully weak. You must address the basics- the piece is filled with howling grammatical errors. Further, I do not speak in gauche sentence fragments, like some hard-boiled detective or 'Rorschach'...

Some of the mistakes are unintentionally hilarious, I must admit. A perfect 'segway' would be, not the perfect place for your next stop, but a convenient way of getting TO it... and you've gotten nearly everything wrong about me 'except my generosity'!

You must go and seek more basic editing, for you're not at a place in your life where it makes sense for you to fret unduly over thematic topics and characterization. The story is little more than you and a magical kitsune friend, in Equestria, not doing very much other than being treated kindly by we pony folk. It is sweet, and sunny, and not especially meaningful, so my sense is that you can do as you please while you remedy all the grammatical errors and learn to write proper English.

Do not get trapped in the mire of wanting to make this first story a masterpiece (we all insert our OC into our first story as the protagonist- even I did so, darling, though it was a furry adventure story and you'd not know the OC name)

Finish it, to whatever length you wish, and look about to see if you have another idea that you wish to write about. If you're a proper writer-to-be, you wil have three or more new ideas, possibly before you've finished this first. They arise from the way you handle the story you're on- as soon as you stop merely wedging them into the current story, they begin to stack up waiting to be written.

Off you go! Seek grammar editing! Be diligent!
>> No. 108734
File 134083052538.png - (770.62KB , 850x1200 , wide_awake_by_sonicxklonoa-d54h6d9.png )
Hello, Applejinx. I have this little piece I just finished up, ready for your prying eyes. It's mostly with Rainbow Dash, however the rest of the main six come in in the final scene.

[Title] Quod Timeo
[Tags] Dark
[Synopsis] Some things are better left alone.


Thank you in advance.
>> No. 108738
File 134083275362.gif - (1.90MB , 300x151 , I-Can-Beat-You-Ha_____May-Be-Not.gif )
Huh... Kinda takes the wind out of my sales, but far enough.

Revisions ahoy!

Any way this was as you said, just Ghost and Flare in Ponyville. There really wasn't supposed to be an over arching narrative, and the chapter's that follow would be very episodic in the spirit of the show. Not sure if this changes your opinion or not but yeah.

Admittedly intro's were always my worst part. This was meant to be Ghost settling in and meeting the mane six. Didn't seem to accomplish that.

Truthfully i had hope going into this. i was like
"Alright should be good I'm confident, any problems will be a paper wall that i shall break through and succeed. (Pic related to this)

Running running BAM

"Oh... thats... thats not paper... thats a brick wall... and my sledge hammer is back home... huh"

The fact that i screwed up Rarity sucks for two reasons. One she was one i thought i had a grasp of and two she was going to be one of the three ponies that was closer to Ghost (Which came out of the blue because she ranks like fourth on my list, but i kinda made a scenario i wanted to do involving time travel and mistaken for gods, and figured after going through all that how could they not be close.)

Also the reason it stops at the Segway line is because i was still writing the second part. Though now I'm a little disheartened to attempt because it would involve R.D. Fluttershy and... Pinkie Pie. (A character i feel that pinning down would be like using a machine gun to shoot a fly from 400 yards.) Now if i screwed up on a character i was sure i could nail, what beast of unholy sin will unwillingly create with character's I'm uncertain of.

(Screams and runs in circles for 5 minutes)

Sorry, any way revisions needed thanks for the input. I'll go work on it...

... or burn it... with fire.

>> No. 108798
File 134086896601.png - (63.17KB , 232x242 , Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2_37 PM.png )
Ya don't have to burn nothin' if you just keep running and write more things! Since when does a writer just write one thing and carry it around with them wherever they go? Take a deep breath. You ain't had near enough practice. Just read real books and write stuff!
>> No. 108801
File 134086998619.png - (11.21KB , 100x100 , Rainbow_100x100_02.png )
HOkay, you got me- I mean, I'm like really interested. Why do I have this feeling that it's gonna be Pinkie turning into a big monster, though?
I think it's pretty fussy of you to use 'touched the ground' when I hit it. I mean COME ON, I lost a damn wing and the trees didn't even break my fall. I can tell you from Read It And Weep that the word is more like 'slammed' or 'destroyed' the ground, okay? Makes me sound little and fluffy. Welll.. yeah I'm little and yeah parts of me are fluffy but you know what I mean! Can't I even crash all badass, huh?
Something tells me that this isn't going to get me too embarrassing- I mean, I keep going 'keep it together' but I do keep it together, all the time. I'm totally not complaining about that but Applejack's giving me this look, okay? And I know it means 'they love it when you freak out and you know it'... so, um... I don't like to tell you about it, but when I freak I'm like freakier than Fluttershy, really little and frightened, okay? And I hate it SO much, so for pete's sake let me get my dignity back if you take me there or all my fans will kill you and post mean things I'm just warning you... but I'm told how tough I am is cooler because it's me making the effort to be.
They say real courage is when you crap yourself AND go on being a hero... like, you lose the mental fight and still you force yourself to do the actions you'd be doing if you hadn't lost. That's badass. Um, better not use actual crapping or it'd be another kind of fic, just saying. But I guess I understand the point and apparently I'm really good at being that kind of hero. That's good I guess. I just want to get through the horrible part to where it gets good again.
If you do more, can you not tell me about it until you get me through to the part where I get a big parade while carried on the shoulders of Wonderbolts?
>> No. 108850
File 134093678932.png - (242.24KB , 748x593 , Screen shot 2011-12-02 at 10_14_27 PM.png )
Title: Breaking Barriers
Tags: Romance (it ain't all mushy stuff, I swear!)
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash gets the chance of a lifetime, when she receives a letter inviting her to the Wonderbolt's training camp for tryouts! With her now coltfriend Big Macintosh in her corner, as well as her five best friends, Dash is determined to make her dreams come true! As she discovers certain obstacles in her path, how much will she sacrifice in order to realize her ultimate goal? Will her relationship with Macintosh survive her ambitions? (whew! didn't mean to write a novel, there)

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4620/Breaking-Barriers

Hello ponies! I've always wondered how well I characterize your wonderfully diverse dispositions, and now I've finally summoned the courage to ask!
Just a touch of background on this fic, it is a sequel to a story I wrote establishing Mac and Dash as couple. I didn't want to submit two fics at once, but I'd like to see if I kept everypony in character.
>> No. 108885
File 134095569924.png - (10.99KB , 100x100 , Rainbow_100x100_12.png )
GYAH! But, but I got a con to go to like in just a few minutes and I didn't preen my wings or anything and I... *reads* just got invited to try out for the Wonderbolts...

You rotten stinker, Bronius! Yeah, I'll crit this before leaving.

I guess I can see why I'm with Big Macintosh here instead of Applejack, cause she seems kind of dumber than usual. You're even making mistakes like leaving out periods and stuff when writing her. Don't make dumb writing mistakes when writing my exciting parts, okay? Or I'll kick you.

You've got some things called Tom Swifties- you don't actually have to write stuff like 'Hey congratulations!" Fluttershy congratulated.' and you came pretty close to that.

Oh gosh- now I can see why people are liking this, I bet. You're, um, not writing with lots of expertise... but you have me with Big Macintosh, and then Fluttershy wanting him, so the reader HAS to find out both what happens with that and what happens with the Wonderbolts. You know that right there, the range of possible stuff that could happen is just huge? The story could go anywhere but it almost HAS to mess with somepony and upset them, either your hero ME, or Fluttershy who everypony loves.

OHmygosh, Big Macintosh horsecake. Wow. Huh.

I quit my job?

Okay- I don't have time for more but I won't need more. Here's the deal- your actual writing isn't so great and you're SO not quite Joss Whedon when it comes to writing characters sharply with unexpected twists and fresh ideas. You're writing us all in crayon, with kind of dumb boring obvious reactions- BUT your instinct for building tension and setting up a story is just great, and in a lot of ways that's the most important thing of all.

What you need to do is use that same instinct to first- be confident and know that you'll be able to keep people reading, because I rarely see anything as directly compelling- and second, work out way ahead of time how all the story arcs resolve into something satisfying.

It might mean working out something where me, or Fluttershy, don't get what we want but get something else that we didn't know we wanted- you'd have to be a little more subtle than usual to set it up and maybe use stuff that you don't quite say directly in the story but assume to be true. But you've got to know that having the satisfying ending involves some amount of surprise and some amount of 'yeah that's what was supposed to happen'. But you do need an ending because you're making SO much tension toward it that it becomes even more important. You need to plan ahead so you know what will happen and drop hints- or mislead while carefully not lying to anypony.

Okay, gotta fly!
>> No. 108934
File 134099889923.jpg - (82.21KB , 1438x804 , Apple_Bloom_4bits_S1_E12.jpg )
Thanks for the reply, Rainbow! I know this probably won't be answered for a while, since I'm sure you girls are putting on your flawless human cosplay so as not to be attacked by fans, so I'll be patient in awaiting the response.

>You're even making mistakes like leaving out periods and stuff when writing her.
I know it isn't your job to be specific as to where these kind of mistakes are, but I scoured every chapter and couldn't find a single missed punctuation mark. I'm going a bit lesson zero trying to find it. and I wasn't sure what you meant by "I was writing her 'dumb'." If you mean I went overboard on her mannerisms (yer, y'all, that kind of thing) then I suppose I could tighten those up and let the reader fill in the accent.

>OHmygosh, Big Macintosh horsecake. Wow. Huh.
This may be just my opinion, but I felt that the f/f version of you is a bit overdone, so I went with everyones favorite silent stallion.

>You're writing us all in crayon, with kind of dumb boring obvious reactions-
okay, so wouldn't writing reactions in a manner the reader wouldn't expect make those reactions out of character? I guess I'm a little confused with that aspect. If you could elaborate a bit on that I'll have Spitfire sing at your wedding. (assuming of course, she isn't the one you're marrying)

>You need to plan ahead so you know what will happen and drop hints- or mislead while carefully not lying to anypony.

I don't know how far into it you got, but this is actually the only story I've ever written that I'd outlined in advance. I do have some things planned, but perhaps my hints were too subtle, in the sense that they go unnoticed. Anyway, thanks a whole bunch for your time RD! Also, who in the hay is Joss Whedon?
>> No. 108952
File 134101374854.jpg - (78.14KB , 640x450 , 134094360303.jpg )
Hello Applejinx.

You may remember my previous entry in this thread. (If you were smart, you would have erased the memory of ever reading it. Celestia knows, I wish I could forget sending it. I do apologize for that piece of hellfire. See, I actually have been writing for a good couple of years now and that... good god, how did I not see all the things wrong with it. Apparently, Commas and I had a falling out while I was writing it. We're cool now and we're going for pizza soon.)

Any way, I wanted to drop off this small piece of a larger work. There is a specific reason i want you to look over it. Unlike my last fic, I'm pretty sure that at least one of the mane six is OOC.

The reason i submit it knowing this, is that I would like to know if you see any way of this happening. (You know, short of getting them drunk or beating them over the head with a pipe.)

So i pose this question, Is this scenario even possible?

Also, nowadays, I run my Fics through this: http://auto-reviewer.appspot.com/

It's been a big help, especially since my brain tends to auto-correct my own work as I'm prof-reading.

But I've run this one through a good number of times and it keeps saying I have one punctuation error. I'd like to fix it, but for the life of me, I cant figure out what it would be. If you spot it, could you inform me so that i can be aware of it?

Title: Excerpt from Scribes Are Weird: A Pinkie Pie Reunion.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HcZH46pQyHbeYH2DRDCOCG7C-x_3vF-wiLI6R0f8CS0/edit

Synopsis: Pinkie Pie with straight hair? Well, that can't be good. Pinkie gets depressed when she has to visit her family at the rock farm. While everypony else is busy, Ghost offers to go along. Turns out Pinkie's sisters aren't as fond of her as she made them out to be. Can Ghost help her out while dealing with someone he'd thought he'd never meet again?

This is just a small part but any advice would be nice.
>> No. 109013
File 134105303843.jpg - (6.59KB , 184x184 , Discord is Pleased.jpg )
Hey, Applejinx. I didn't know who else to ask about this, but you're the characterization pony, so I'm just gonna leave this question here for you. You can answer it, or you could direct me to somepony who'd be more qualified to answer it. Okay, here goes:

I'm trying to write Discord as my narrator, but I'm having some trouble. Could you give me some advice?
>> No. 109464
File 134132870863.png - (12.30KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_119.png )
Whoof! We are all galloping around trying to get things squared away after the con. I'm helping organize! I don't see why they have to glare at me like that just because I decided to redecorate at the same time and have everything go back into NEW MUCH BETTER places... ow, Applejack! You can get back to Sweet Apple Acres when you've finished putting my library stuff back, okay? We'll all come and help you th... what? Oh all right then. 'Hell no' it is! Love you!

Okay, where was I?

>Ghost spoke. “Twilight, are you sure it’s over here or that some pony didn’t just check it out.”

This would end with a question mark, or a question mark after 'here' and then rephrase the rest.


Just because it's a sound effect and sentence fragment doesn't mean it can have no punctuation! Hit it with an exclamation point, how could it not merit an exclamation point? Believe me, I can assert with more confidence than most that when Rainbow crashes into your house, it's a... what is it, Fluttershy? Oh, right, I'm supposed to be working. Give me just a minute, okay?


Spell better. "Equestria". Okay? It's only where we live...

>"Yah mind tellin us what’s got yer tail in twist,”

Applejack just facehoofed, bigtime. Okay, a whole world of 'ew', largely because we lead our little alternate-lifestyle lives in Applejinx clopfics and know enough about naughty things to go to that place. 'Tail IN A twist' please. Twist is a little filly who can make candy. Nobody is allowed to stick things IN her, even as a grammar mistake.

>“Are you okay, Rainbow Dash,” said Fluttershy’s soft spoken voice.

Okay, if it's a question you USE the question mark. It's the period you don't use in that position, but that one uses a question mark. Also, as useful as the verb 'said' is, ponies and talking things 'say'. A voice is not a talking thing, it's what the talking thing makes for a noise. Noises don't say, they might soothe or waft or ring out or come...

Why are you laughing, Rainbow Dash? What do you mean, that's a different kind of n... oh.

What is it, Rarity? ...I am? Oh, for crying out loud! You're right, thank you.

Ghostwriter, Rarity has brought to my attention that I'm line-editing instead of character reviewing. I think we'll have to get our hooves under us so once we've settled back in I'll post something saying we're back in the swing of things.. oh, stop LAUGHING, Rainbow... and until then we can't promise to be prompt. Okay?

Talk to you later! Oh, and Applejack, can you answer that last poster and then you can run over to Sweet Apple Acres and start to get settled in over there?
>> No. 109467
File 134132949797.png - (14.80KB , 100x100 , Applejack_100x100_02.png )
Whoo! All right- let me get my breath here- now, Discord, huh? Well, happens we were just at Bronycon, in our host human who was runnin' the sound board FOR mister DeLancie- silly critter got so excited at how good that pony was at workin' his mic that he run up afterwards and offered to hug the man, to which th' silly fool got a nice lil' preoccupied brush-off and skulked back to his work with tail a-droopin'... I laughed my plot off, poor thing, maybe he'll write clopfics about Discord now by way of revenge... prob'ly not...

Anyway, we got to watch DeLancie talk about who he was as a villain. Made good sense, too. Here's th' deal.

Discord does not think he's evil. He's doin' the world a FAVOR by screwin' it up. He's also awful conceited and really don't have much self-doubt- I reckon DeLancie's got more self-doubt than that but Bronycon was a huge thrill for him and you can't really have self-doubt when you're a deity.

Discord is th' worst Mary Sue character imaginable, and likes it that way. He's the handsomest, the smartest, he's snarky and funny but has a sense of kindness. The trouble with that is, he don't really respect anypony so his kindness is expressed by messin' with them, and they can weep and be sad in front of him and he doesn't really 'get it'. He has a LOT to learn about being able to have empathy for other people's feelin's. So as a narrator, he ain't nothin' like a regular narrator. He will constantly be interpretin' everything in his own terms, kinda like, um...

>So then I turned the little filly's ugly mother into a simply wonderful candy-cane. I don't think she properly appreciated the details, like how I had accurately matched the number of stripes to the ones on her little cutie mark- _I_ thought that was a very nice touch, and all that crying seemed very rude and ungrateful. But she'll get over it. I did after all give her something truly unique and special, because that is just the sort of pony I am- unique and special! On to more joyful chaos!

Like that there! He's like that. He's a party guy with too much dang power, he considers himself a pony (remember, 'equus', he's a hybrid), he means well but has this ego where he figures folks trying to defend themselves are rudely interferin' with his better ideas- and he's pretty kind and tolerant when they throw fits and show ingratitude. He's got a sense of beauty, it's just whacked!

That any help?

Gotta run! *gallop*
>> No. 109470
Hmm, this sounds like fun.

Title: Under A Liminous Sky
Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: dark, mystery, thriller
Synopsis: tragedy strikes Ponyville when a body is found in the Everfree Forest. As the towns ponies grieve, an enigmatic stallion arrives at the local library, dispatched by Celestia herself. As more blood is spilled, Twilight and her friends, along with this strange pony, must solve this puzzle before its too late.


This chapter focuses on Celestia, and is like to know if you think I got her right. If you feel the need to view the proceeding chapters, they're link in the doc.

>> No. 109471
File 134133341402.jpg - (10.30KB , 300x168 , 133971885777.jpg )
Thanks. I always feel stupid when I miss stuff like that. (I need a prof reader)

Any way, as far as the tail in twist thing goes... well it took me a second to figure out what was wrong with that. My mind kept auto correcting. There was supposed to be an 'a' in there. Sorry for the... unfortunate implications... of my mistake.

So the mistakes have been fixed, get to it when you can.

>> No. 109480
File 134133693536.jpg - (42.26KB , 830x960 , shocked pinkamena.jpg )
You was on teh soundboard?! cool. woulda been even cooler to meet, but it was awesome enough and I don't want to cause an unnecessary derail
>sage for DeLancie is best villain
>> No. 109482
Actually, could someone just review the whole thing?

Again, if it's not too big an issue. :)
>> No. 109495
File 134134230939.jpg - (28.34KB , 500x502 , mlfw337_130773928777[1].jpg )
Yo, Applejinx! Glad we got to meet briefly at BronyCon. Minor continuation on >>109467 Between De Lancie's comments and yours:

>Discord does not think he's evil [...] for other people's feelin's.

Something clicked in my head finally. Would you consider Discord to be a psychopath? I always presumed him to be more of a Loki mischief/trouble maker, but when I run him through "the numbers" (like at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychopathy#Psychopathy_Checklist ) he sure seems to fit the ticket. It's certainly causing me to reevaluate him in my head.
>> No. 109519
File 134134666748.png - (15.43KB , 100x100 , Applejack_100x100_28.png )
Dammit, Jake, this ain't an 'anybody' thread, it's an Applejinx thread. Or maybe you meant 'any mane cast poni, no specific one in mind'? If so, no sweat and as SOON as we settle down a bit...

I was longing to meet readers, so don't be shy in future :) spent an overworked, lonely con with lots of great stuff to redeem it. It was about 1.5 hours total hanging out with friends and friendlies. More is always welcome :)

Oh hell yeah. Which makes me blink, that they also cite promiscuous sexual behavior. Now every time I watch his episodes I'll be like gah! put Twilight down! stop fondling everypony! :D
>> No. 109532
File 134134948812.png - (470.47KB , 824x357 , discord_disregarding_personal_space.png )
ಠ_ಠ oh dear... He, um, he doesn't really have much respect for personal space, does he? what_have_i_done.jpg
>> No. 109538
File 134135078958.png - (109.74KB , 280x280 , 1297781671197.png )
Title: Lost ( working on it! )
Tags: adventure, slice of life
Word count: about 1000
Synopsis: Twilight is awoken by an unknown colt only to find out that everything she knew is gone.


It's a work in progress, but I would like to catch characterization mistakes at the beginning instead of having to rewrite everything.
>> No. 109539
File 134135110999.jpg - (19.67KB , 307x477 , shrug pinkamena.jpg )
If I'd known where you were exactly, I'd have come runningbouncing in a heartbeat, but maybe we can plan to meet at the next one. I ran into !!Fluttershy and !!Rarity at the con, they were so nice! Oh dear I'm derailing your thread aren't I? oh well, I'll just spoiler and sage this.
>> No. 109641
File 134141358126.png - (11.99KB , 100x100 , Fluttershy_100x100_04.png )
Oh my gosh. Um... Jake, it's hard to know how to put this. Your writing seems tight and well under control, but you've killed Berry Punch by the actions of some terrible monstrous pony with a knife, so it causes the otherwise believable characterization to become upsetting. I couldn't get past the first few chapters.

You must go on in your own way, without advice from us, without worrying too much about tying the characterization to the show- because in your way, you're as far from our origins as the seamiest clopfic (and, er, we would know).

What this means is, you must form and trust your own judgement. Critics and reviewers may or may not be able to help you- I saw one who seemed to want things to be made clearer, but you may have been leaving them vague on purpose. If you know what you're trying to make happen, that must guide.

Good luck, and please always remember our pony natures, that we need to be cared for and also soothed when horrific things happen to us! Readers will forgive your atrocities if you are willing to find the gentle part of yourself, and give them scenes with we ponies being comforted.

It is much like what they call hurt/comfort stories, except that in your story you are hurting readers and must comfort them by comforting the victims of your violence and atrocity in the story. Please remember that? If you just hurt us and leave us to cry, it's as if you don't understand ponies at all and aren't even one of us...
>> No. 109642
File 134141427429.png - (12.04KB , 100x100 , Pinkie_100x100_18.png )
I like the cake emergency! You always have to be ready for a cake emergency.

You're not a very good writer, but you have the spirit! You've made something funny happen to Twilight, you understand that each pony (her, me, the librarian colt) each have their own picture of the world, so I say you're off to a wonderful start! It's weird to think of not having a cutie mark- though I guess I'd behave that way if I didn't have one! I think I'd secretly want one, though!

Have fun and write more and especially read more, even stories that aren't about cakes! Actually most stories aren't about cakes. Why aren't more stories about cakes? Okay, you need to put a cake in your story, and not a Pinkamina Pie-An' Cake, I'm talking a real cake as one of the characters! Okay? Ooo that would be so funny!
>> No. 109643
Hmm, well, okay then. Thanks for at least trying. I didn't know you don't accept dark fics. Or just that mine was TOO dark. Thanks anyway!
>> No. 109649

Thank you for the kind words. Now I feel motivated to actually keep on writing.
It's my first fic in years and first fanfic in English ever, so it's my training ground.

>You're not a very good writer, but you have the spirit!
Guilty as charged.

Just a little explanation on Pinkie Cake, she's not Pinkie Pie at all, but a similar pony

>Okay, you need to put a cake in your story, and not a Pinkamina Pie-An' Cake, I'm talking a real cake as one of the characters! Okay? Ooo that would be so funny!

Yes ma'am/pony/filly(?)! :D
>> No. 109676
Hey, Applejinx!

Just wondering, (And if I'm being impatient tell me.) but do you remember this?: >>108952

You looked over it, but mostly gave me a couple grammar edits. I was just wondering if i could get some of the other questions I asked about it answered.

Anyway it's no big deal. Bye!
>> No. 109704
File 134145111245.png - (14.93KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_07.png )
What exactly were the questions?
>> No. 109706
File 134145186705.png - (296.28KB , 488x616 , 132626832651.png )
Actually... there was only one question. If the scene could even work? I was pretty sure, I got at least one of them OOC and I wanted your opinion. When all I got were grammar mistakes, I had assumed you where to busy at the time to go through it in depth.
>> No. 109739
File 134147276464.png - (14.19KB , 100x100 , Applejack_100x100_16.png )
When there are that many grammar mistakes you got no business fussin' over whether someone is OOC- and any scene can work if you maintain th' attitude of it enough to have folks suspend their disbelief. If th' characters are wrong they'll bug YOU- and if they're already buggin' you, go back and reread it all and find where it's buggin' you. OK?
>> No. 109775
File 134150346532.png - (135.22KB , 327x323 , 133464914492.png )
But... there were only 5. You never said that it was so full of mistakes that you couldn't read it anymore.

This is what you posted: >>109464

All 5 mistakes have been fixed and I wanted an actual character review. It's not so much that the characters bug me, it's just slight paranoia, and I would really appreciate an expert opinion.

I feel kinda jibed. If there were some really bad mistakes all the way through, your review didn't indicate it.

Well, screw it. If you don't wanna help me, that's fine. ... Sorry.
>> No. 109778

Applejinx isn't a line editor. He won't cover every mistake for you. What you should do is look at the 5 examples he did post, see why it's wrong, and look through your writing for similar mistakes. If you're not willing to think while you write or check for your own mistakes, then I don't know what to tell ya.
>> No. 109782
File 134150463897.jpg - (7.12KB , 202x129 , 134021211523.jpg )
I did do that. Nothing else is out of place from my perspective. With the first piece of hell fire I submitted, I was flat out told that their were grammatical errors coming out it's ears. I made some major revisions on that one. However, with this second one, kept everything that i had learned from the last one and applied it.

But he goes from saying this:>>109464 which sites five small errors, to this: >>109739 which is saying that there are so many mistakes that it's not readable. I'm just... very confused.

I'm not mad, after my first submission, i wouldn't want to read anything else by me either.
>> No. 109785

Aww, don't give up! I think you've already came a long way since your brief visit here, you just need to keep on going. <3


No worries, Applejinx will explain what he means in a bit. I believe in him.
>> No. 109834
File 134152405246.png - (52.41KB , 194x208 , Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2_25 PM 1.png )
Well, listen. I've been readin' this stuff. If you are 90% sure somepony is out of character, why are you bringin' it to me? Do you figure I'm going to contradict you, do you need confirmation that badly?

My point is, YOU should be addressing it, if you have a sense of something wrong. You're not even specifying what's wrong and asking advice on what to do about it- you're playin' a guessing game of find-what-I-think-is-wrong.

Tell me straight up what your concern is, and I will go over it once more in that light and I will tell you in a general way what you might do to adjust it. I can't be fairer than that. But I will not play do-you-see-what-I-see, nor will I be troubled that you're offended.

Fact is, sugarcube, you are supposed to go work out what's the matter yourself, and I told you to do just that. It implies that you CAN do it, and your citin' unspoken concerns about somepony being OOC also implies that you can find the problem. This may surprise you, but you will always be the one most qualified to do that. What outside eyes do is tell you whether stuff is translating, or whether folks are missin' important things.
>> No. 109835
File 134152425163.png - (11.09KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_21.png )
Also, in fairness that was two different IC ponies in different moods reacting, and I'm afraid I was too muddled from returning home to do more than scattershot line-editing, which we never do... and we're still getting Applejack to eat rather than trying to catch up on missed work.
>> No. 109841
Fair enough. What I really wanna know is if I got Rainbow Dash down. She's the one panicking in this and I wanted to know if it was acceptable. Personally I think I got it okay but... well.. I screwed up Rarity when I thought I had it, so the paranoia kinda swooped in. I just figured I should hear an opinion straight from the horse... ehr... pony's mouth. Also just a check on Rarity, too.

I'm very sorry for my behavior and if your willing, I would appreciate it.

>> No. 109862
File 134153383626.png - (12.33KB , 100x100 , Rainbow_100x100_49.png )
Hm. Hm. Well, Twilight doesn't call me 'RD', that's Applejack's pet name for me. And this scribe guy, definitely not!

Um... I wasn't scared of Pinkie being crazy before, though with some of the stories ponies write maybe I should be. And if the scribe guy is getting snippy with a sarcastic voice at me, I'm gonna get mad! I would never say 'make it stop', if something upsets me that much I'm gonna punch it or I'm gonna run away and then pretend nothing happened.

There's your problem- your OC guy who has your name, he's suddenly even closer to all of us than we are to each other even. You did that stuff so I would turn to him and go 'make it stop'. How about no? How about, he doesn't understand Pinkie better than the rest of us, how about if we know something's terribly wrong with Pinkie we try to solve it ourselves? And we sure don't get scared of our own Pinkie Pie great friend element bearer just because she's got straight hair!

So yeah- you were asking me if it was OOC to be all girly and scared and turn to your OC all because Pinkie turned up with straight hair? Yeah, that's OOC.
>> No. 109865
File 134153430757.png - (12.88KB , 100x100 , Rarity_100x100_05.png )
Forgive Rainbow, she does not take well to insinuations of cowardice. I rather suspect you got off easy, as they say...

I suppose it's as good a place for a fainting couch as any, but it's what we would call a cheap gag, and it's not your cheap gag, it's yanked from our show and used because it's easy. I also note that even your narration refers to Rainbow Dash with a nickname, which seems unduly intimate.

I would recommend against trying to rely upon our guidance too much, dear: though it may be amusing to bystanders, it benefits nopony when we get snippy, and we do not wish to engage in mockery. I might even advise that you wait until your next work, one that does not include your self-insert, before seeking us out... he is far too amused with his own jokes, and far too prone to wrest control of the story from our capable hooves. We shan't get along with him, I fear.
>> No. 109871
Hmmm... sigh, yeah I figured as much. Really wanted this scene to work. As for Ghost closeness with the cast it was meant to be a later chapter. I wrote it so the idea would leave my head.

>Well, Twilight doesn't call me 'RD', that's Applejack's pet name for me. And this scribe guy, definitely not!

Sigh. Noted. I only remember it being used in one episode so I figured it was okay. Wait a tic... twilight never called her R.D.

>he's suddenly even closer to all of us than we are to each other even.

PFFF. how the hell did I accomplish that!? He's meant to be a friend. That's it. not sure where you get that. Oh well, I think the entire scene needs to be reworked anyway.

>You did that stuff so I would turn to him and go 'make it stop'. How about no? How about, he doesn't understand Pinkie better than the rest of us, how about if we know something's terribly wrong with Pinkie we try to solve it ourselves?

Admittedly, it was a flawed idea. What I was going for was that Ghost can see how her mind connects certain things. He doesn't completely get it, but he can see it.

Actually it occurs to me that context is an issue here.

>So yeah- you were asking me if it was OOC to be all girly and scared and turn to your OC all because Pinkie turned up with straight hair? Yeah, that's OOC.

I was going for panicking, but noted.
>> No. 109881
File 134153939737.gif - (270.00KB , 300x160 , 134101979248.gif )
Oh crap. That didn't sound good. (Also Not a self insert. But you probably don't believe me any way. I'm just too attached to the name to change it.)

That kinnda sucks for me. If i can't go to the leading expert on IC reviews, then how will i know if i've gotten it right. Gah!

>I suppose it's as good a place for a fainting couch as any, but it's what we would call a cheap gag, and it's not your cheap gag, it's yanked from our show and used because it's easy.

Dammit. I wasn't even trying to do a cheap gag. I just thought it would be funny to provide an explanation to how she got the couch to the picnic. Wasn't even planing to reuse it later. GAAAAHHHHH!

Sigh. Well, I'm not gonna give up!

ehr... one last thing. The stories are meant TO focus on Ghost and his interactions with the mane six. Is this a route that will doom me to pony hell? Kinnda just feels like no matter how well it's written, it would just sink because of the subject matter.

... okay one more thing.

>he is far too amused with his own jokes

What do you mean by this? I feel it is a problem that I need to address. any way i do thank you for your input. Even gave me an idea of having Rainbow Dash and Ghost be the type of friends who just insult each other all the time.

Well, bye! you'll likely not to hear from me again.
>> No. 109993
File 134159449295.png - (143.69KB , 345x318 , Screen shot 2011-12-22 at 7_26 AM.png )
Ah mean THIS. Here's your guy, from first to last.
>responds, stomps hoof
>says, 'slightly' annoyed with Twi
>rolls his eyes
>slaps forehead
>shakes head in disbelief of Twi's cataloging
>lifts brow at Twi's stupidity
>smiles but reply loaded with sarcasm
>asks, in a sarcastic way
>grumbles, smirks, sarcastic
>adopts Viennese accent (presumably after Freud), also a form of mockery
>points to Rarity, demands use of her sight-gag
>condescending look to Rarity shared with Twi
>continues mockery, with which Dash complies unhesitatingly
>calls (because he and nopony else understands the one detail the scene needs)
>insults Dash straight-up by calling her names
>interrupts Dash
>insults Dash again, her friends siding with him and not her
>says guilty (guiltILY), makes excuse
>asks skeptically
>chuckles at the insanity of Pinkie
>says simply (that they should force Pinkie to explain, whether she wants to or not)
>says with a shrug
>says with a smirk (after watching miserable, sad Pinkie stand there for FIVE MINUTES, still he is smirking!)
>says in shock, talking about her in front of her like she isn't even there
>says disturbed
>asks surprised (suddenly claiming to be a 'rookie' with no special insight into mane six, upon being directly asked by mane six to HAVE this insight for their benefit)
>shakes head, continues to reject
>looks at Pinkie and apparently sees the problem instantly, is distracted by own idea and tunes out mane six briefly, is asked to 'focus'

You would honestly have an easier time leavin' out your main character entirely. He's completely superior to us and carries on like a Seinfeld character, which is a show all about snarkiness and complete lack of sincerity. It clashes with poni like chalk an' cheese.

I realize y'all have been writing for years, but how old are you? If you're my age, I swear I will kick myself in the plot. Ain't nothin' wrong with you that growing the buck up wouldn't cure. The only folks who DON'T start out writin' like you do are really broken people and that brings troubles of its own...

Funny in My Little Pony is always bittersweet, and it's more George Carlin than Jerry Seinfeld, in that it ain't from a position of superiority. It's from one flawed pony seein' another flawed thing and bein' unable to do a thing to fix it. It's face-plants, not pointing and laughing. It's Twilight clobbered with a piano or stung by bees WHILE she tries her best to be superior to Pinkie and figure her out. In that one, Pinkie gets snarky at times but she never lifts a hoof to harm Twilight, it's like Road Runner smirking at Wile E. Coyote.

If you're gonna go away mad, at least learn somethin' even if it's a lil' over your head. Ain't your fault you're tryin' to do things that can't work no matter who tries them. Hell, son, I wouldn't be able to do what you're tryin' to do. Difference is, I know better than to attempt it...
>> No. 109997
File 134159531776.png - (255.65KB , 532x395 , Screen shot 2011-12-22 at 7_04 AM.png )
An' many years ago, when _I_ wrote a main character who was the name I used for myself, and who ended up winning through to the end of the story and killin' the big bad and being crowned King- I wrote him as a complete Butt Monkey who never knew what was goin' on, won out largely through good heart, luck and the heroism of his friends (not him)- the big final scene, it was his girlfriend who rescued his ass from being killed and he took a level in badass only after apparently seeing her slaughtered while trying to save him- and when he won the crown, all he did was use its powers to leave the kingdom like a bad party and go home none the wiser.

'Cos I'm more of a broken person, so my self-insert wasn't much good without the help of the folks there to support him, for which he was abjectly grateful.

So for all y'all who are struggling with self-insert OCs using the names you use online, trust me, it can happen to anypony- after one or maybe two books (it took two for me) you'll move on to other characters, and then move on from those, and eventually get perspective and see a lil' bit of yourself in all your characters, and that's when folks tend to start to take notice.
>> No. 110007

Curse my impatience, coulda just posted heree after all.
>> No. 110047
File 134161246532.jpg - (46.74KB , 600x366 , 134139846551.jpg )
I'm not mad. Really, I'm taking everything you say into account.

... Honestly, sigh... I don't want to give this up just yet. There's too many ideas in my head still buzzing.

Superior? Well definitely wasn't going for that. Alright, just need to adjust my humor.

Thanks for the input. I think with enough work I can make this appeal to someone. (So far chapter one has received okay reviews... okay there have only been two... and one was you, which flopped, but one good review is signs of promise in my book. I guess you could call me too dumb to quit. Heh.)

>> No. 110086
File 134164653802.png - (17.19KB , 100x100 , Applejack_100x100_14.png )
Ain't but one real qualification for a writer, and that's that they're too dumb to quit.

Technically this also means they won't ever quit READING either, but I'll go on and trust you there.

And practically anything worth doing takes th' proverbial ten thousand hours of doing it when you're no good and too dumb to quit. It just so happens that with some things, they go to patterns during those early years. You can spot 'em, but you can't break young writers of 'em until they've worked through that stuff in their own way.

Keep on bein' too dumb to quit! Best thing to be :)
>> No. 110093
File 134165609866.jpg - (68.90KB , 855x934 , happy_lyra_by_orisawa-d4sxdth_png.jpg )

I'm glad that someone took Applejinx's advice positively. He may seem a bit harsh sometimes when he stays in character, but it's all necessary for the sake of a writer's journey of improvement. If you got offended too easily and quit, that would mean that you're not ready.

But like Applejinx said, one of the most important qualities of a writer is not quitting. So keep on going and I know you'll become a great writer someday. :3
>> No. 110900
"Switch" (working title_

Email: [email protected]

Characters: Rarity, Big Macintosh

Tags: [normal][friendshipping]

Synopsis: Following after Hearts & Hooves Day in a poorly informed bout of revenge, The Great and Powerful Trixie mixes things up between Big Macintosh and Rarity.

Length: 12,000 words

Chapters: This story has not been partitioned by chapters yet.

Completion: By my estimate it's between 1/4 and 1/3 done. This version doesn't exactly end as much as it is simply cut-off since I wanted to have a fair opinion of what I've done so far in order to get a sense of how I could improve or what should be changed before I continue. Tare my author's judgement, as it were.


The only things that might be considered outside the realm of canonic would be the interpretation that Big Macintosh is very shy, in as much that it sort of hampers some of his mannerisms, although it could be justified by the circumstance of the story. I'll let you be the judge of that. That, and a forewarning: for the employment of (as it's called on TVtropes) Full Name Ultimatum, Applejack is called to be named Jacqueline Apple once, if that's all right with you.
I hope I meet with expectations of quality and thank you for your time, Applejinx.

Heartily, Professor Blue
>> No. 110909
Title: All the Stars in the Sky
Tags: Sad, Romance
Word count: 16,001
Synopsis: Every month, Octavia plays privately for Princess Luna as she paints the night sky. Each time, Octavia feels that familiar feeling, one she's rarely ever felt before. Now she has decided that it is time to announce these feelings, but what secret prevents her from doing so? Surely the Princess of the Night would be able to understand her own creation, right?


Thanks for taking a look at this!
>> No. 110911
File 134213480233.png - (329.93KB , 538x495 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 3_35 PM.png )
Well, now, this is very nice! You can always tell if a writer knows enough to be dangerous to themselves- if colons are semi-in your ego's a-shimmyin'! The thing to watch for is if the fellow is usin' them semicolons prop'ly and if everything else is tight as a drumhead.

You get pretty close. It's stuff like

>"Is my mind is in his body?"
>Alright Rarity this is not the time to over-react.
>Although Rarity was used to being small and spritely

First one, you got two 'is's there which is a simple typing derp you didn't catch. Second one, I reckon Rarity would say 'All right, Rarity: this is not the time to over-react' and certainly wouldn't run 'all right, Rarity' into 'alright Rarity' with no punctuation. That mare prob'ly THINKS with punctuation just so. And the last one- you mean 'sprightly'. Sounds the same, but that's the one you want.

>"Could never get the hang of Thursdays"
If you gotta steal from Douglas Adams, get it straight- it's 'never could' ;)

I gotta say, it's the most fun when you've got Big Mac and Rarity talkin' to each other. I believe you could ship 'em and get away with it. I'd be tickled like crazy to see you ship 'em LIKE THAT. I also love that their senses of taste and everything are different- you're really thinkin' it through.
Yep! When you cut writin' capers they could be dispensed with, but when you dig into the actual story with Big Mac and Rarity, it comes good. I think you'll do jes' fine and I will keep an eye out for 'Switch' in my usual haunts- be sure and hunt down all the grammar derps, though! If you take the trouble to re-read through your own work a couple times, especially if you put it in a different font or layout so it don't flow the same down the page, you should be able to spot some of that. You've got MORE than enough to make a perfectly good start on things.
>> No. 110915
File 134213678266.png - (317.70KB , 566x490 , Screen shot 2011-12-06 at 1_43 PM 1.png )
Nice contrast- instead 'a playful, you're serious, instead 'a capering with the language, you're calm and writin' without fault or distraction. It's easy readin'. That's good.
I'm trippin' over our Princess Celestia. Seems kind of snarky- awful strange when your writin' is so serious, to have the Princess full of mischief and teasing. And I wish I knew who was talkin' to Octavia that she's so comfortable with disembodied voices. Seems weird to have no explanation, and I am suspicious that it's not for any good reason- I s'pect it's just some trick you're playin' on the reader.
What the buck is she goin' CRACK for? Glowin' with lights? When this is too mysterious the reader is just confused.
..oh, she IS th' moon? And it's tragic on account of she's bustin' up. And you explain that and skip right to the death scene?
They're sayin' a lot of deep things about their understandings and we haven't seen 'em arrive at a blessed one of 'em.
Lynked, think of this as a poem, okay? It ain't quite a story- I'm findin' some of the same concerns as that Hadron pony. You can do better if you work to bring the ponies to the places you have for 'em, and you'll keep gettin' better with practice. This time, what you had was the series of beautiful images, and they're pow'ful poetic images but there ain't any narrative force driving the reader to 'em- instead, you're actively puzzlin' the reader on purpose, leaving questions, and presenting events as surprises.
The way to make a story drag at the reader is to show your workin's and show, unmistakably, what's happening and why, so the reader knows what they want to see happen. We got very little to go on- we wanted to see Octavia with Luna 'cos it was obvious, but we din't have any particular idea what we wanted to see happen with those 'cracks', we din't know whether we liked the mysterious voice (she seemed fine with it...), we just did not get to have an agenda.
I get ponies raving, "I will MURDER YOU if thus and so doesn't happen". That's because I'm throwing up obstacles and problems but I am feedin' them that agenda every step of the way. If the reader is flippin' out needing me to get to a certain ending, it's because I am AIMING for that ending and using every subtle trick I can to make them ache for it and go nuts when it can't happen.
You ain't doin' this. It's a big lack. You have beautiful poetic images, but you need to work WITH the reader, not against- and you need to walk folks through the background for some of your emotional conclusions, rather than skipping to them and saying 'and it was very deep and meaningful'. The images are just as good either way but they're hollow without showing what Luna and Octavia did during those weeks, how they talked. You got one paragraph and a follow-up: mainly this
>The week was filled with shared activities, from long walks in the garden at night, to dining at fancy restaurants, and there were even a few times they got to simply sit together in the bedchamber and talk. For the few days, there were smiles aplenty and many intimate moments. They shared stories, hugs, kisses, and the sun and moon continued their turns.
That's a cop-out- you gotta grab a scattering of those moments and actually show 'em. You can cut back and forth between 'em but you must show your work, ideally with some actually meaningful things they say. What exactly do they see in each other? What needs are filled, why them specifically and not some other ponies?
One thing about it, you're gonna be able to have some loyal fans just on th' strength of your poetic vision! That's a gift. Use that to feel good about your work while you get more disciplined about tellin' a proper story and not simply a poem in a series of glowing images :)
>> No. 110977
Thanks. Honestly, I'm rather happy to hear that I have poetic vision. Though, I suppose it doesn't do anything if the story isn't there. Ah well, back to the drawing board I suppose!
This is some good advice, so thanks again Applejinx.
>> No. 110988
I'm thoroughly flattered, Applejinx.

I don't quite know what I should do to thank you.
>> No. 110990
File 134219988969.png - (329.93KB , 538x495 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 3_35 PM.png )
You should go through and fix th' grammar derps you can spot, and you should change that line to 'never could get the hang of Thursdays' so it's a proper shout-out to the memory of Douglas Adams! :D
>> No. 111223
File 134226804752.png - (68.08KB , 264x254 , Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2_37 PM 1.png )
This thread ain't moving, and the Google Docs page still points to it. I will continue to crit for folks that want it, and don't run a queue- I think my turnaround time is very reasonable. BUT, let me jes' say this:

Just as there is a version of this thread for handling adult content that ponychan can't touch on FIMchan, which is even linked in the OP and there's been no problem with that...

There's now a special IC crit thread on the new chan everybody's fussin' about. http://mlpchan.net/fic/res/33.html

It's what you might call a masterclass- specializing in folks who are trying to take the WHOLE existing MLP universe, mane cast and everything and no OC protagonists- and SHIFT it with changes in only a few underlying axioms, the rest of it remaining faithful (and strong!)

This absolutely can include adult content- my own 'verse Trixieverse, based off the novel Trixie's Magic Bit, is fundamentally altered by adult content and a few other 'slips' of underlying reality. As the rules request, I ask on that thread that folks only link to adult stuff and not quote it directly in posts.

I think it'll also be suitable for talking about managing story arcs in novel lengths, for those who are working long-form to that extent. 99% of what's here is short stories and as I'm a novelist by training it's nice to have a dedicated thread for that stuff. Feel free to drop by if there's activity- I hope to see discussions that go more deeply into what I do as a longform writer, sometihng I don't get to focus on in either existing crit thread.
>> No. 111668
File 134246783795.png - (260.46KB , 556x512 , 134023312832.png )
Hey Applejinx, remember me?

(Get's hit in face with a rock)

Okay. You remember me.

Anyway, I swear I'm not here to cause trouble... well, I wasn't trying to cause trouble last time, either. Anyway, if you remember that last thing I asked you to look at, A Pinkie Pie Reunion?

(Get's hit with another rock.)

Ow... Internet rock hurt.

So yeah that piece of hell fire is dead... And through the science of Frankenstein, I have revived it.

It's just a short little intro and the only characters in it are Twilight and a depressed Pinkie Pie, along with my Oc of course.

(Dodges rock)


(Get's hit in the head with a bucket)

Alright. I'll just leave it here, read it, burn it, kill it, whatever you want but no more rocks.

(Rock thing is merely a joke. I don't think you hate me, though I could be wrong. Anyway if you could look this over and tell me if I'm doing better, it'd be great)
>> No. 111669
Oops forgot the link.

>> No. 111694
File 134247920952.png - (213.69KB , 480x419 , Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 3_10 PM 1.png )
You're learnin'.

(and naw, I don't hate you, you're just an awful noob and there's a lot TO this writin' thing)

Lettin' Twi be more of an authority and lettin' Ghost be more of a silly-pony works a lot better. Folks'll accept it more easy.

What you're trippin' over this time (we won't fret too much about fine characterization as you really aren't there yet) is the way your words tend to cluster up- this is a common problem and I gotta fight it all the time, but it's clobberin' you. I was counting 'alrights' at one point, and there's another couple paragraphs where you got three 'sads' in a row and then you choke on the sadness and believe me, sugar, so do we!

But all that pales into insignificance seein' that your main character OC went from unbearable to jes' another pony, maybe a lil' annoyin' but not so hard to be around! That is a huge positive improvement. You can probably run with this guy and do your first book/stories perfectly fine, I'm thinkin'. And you should!

It's gonna take you three or four books of this strivin' and learnin' to really get your chops together, but that's the same as anypony. My first few books did NOT get finished and nobody ever saw 'em. The first few that DID get finished, still nobody much has seen 'em. You're just doin' them from the very start, in public, so be brave.

And remember you CANNOT skip ahead. You gotta do the ones you're on, to get to those ones where you're experienced and know you can finish a book and know that most of the time you won't get hung up on stylistic hiccups, echoing words and stuff. Right?

I'm kind of proud of you. Even though I still don't enjoy readin' your stories. But then that's true of prob'ly 60-70% of all poni fiction out there, includin' some stuff that's more experienced than you.

I _am_ proud of you. You came back, and you tried somethin' different. You're brave, you Ghost pony, you.
>> No. 111698
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Thanks. I'll keep at it.
>> No. 111743
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I do have one question for you, Applejinx. Is there a proper way to do a depressed Pinkie? We don't see it a lot in the show (Thank Celestia for that because I think I'd have more nightmares if she were.) so I was wondering if there already is a way, or if I have to just take my 'she's very direct and blunt when she's depressed' idea and just run with it?

Your opinion would be appreciated.
>> No. 111749

That only happened in the show when she was well and truly miserable. She thought her friends didn't want to be around her any more. She didn't even know what to do with herself. Maybe next time it happens she'll take up a weird obsessive hobby or something?
>> No. 111759
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>Is there a proper way to do a depressed Pinkie?
Well, first off, you'll need a pretty darn good reason as to why she's depressed, but once you're there, it's really not that hard. You base it off of the reason for her feeling hurt, and draw out her meaner side. She's been stung, so she's liable to sting back. She'll use hurtful sarcasm, and often - as most moody mares do - take things way out of proportion, or draw the worst conclusion.

She's prone to wallow in sadness or anger, perhaps fluctuating between the two, with various mood swings. All in all though, keep in mind that she's been hurt, and will be in a state of depression. What this means is that she's prone to want to sit around, not doing anything, perhaps feel sorry for herself, make rash decisions. It's hard to predict the mind of an already unstable pony, let alone that same pony who is now emotionally distraught. It would be easier for you to write it if you've ever been there, but I hope this helps
>> No. 111762
It does thanks.

So now i need to evaluate if my reason is good or not. Would pinkie get depressed if her sister hated her and pinkie had tried to fix it but nothing seems to work? My idea is that she just sort of bottles it until she's called back for a family reunion and the thought of seeing said sister puts her into depression.
>> No. 111811
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That's actually not bad, Ghost...
Pinkie's cheerfulness is an act of will, and she's an earth pony with HUGE stamina. It's like she's onstage all the time, and loving it. Every step is a dance or prance, her themesong is always playing- you make depressed Pinkie by taking all that away. Change the context to where it isn't her show anymore.

Cranky Doodle Donkey threatened to do that but her stamina was greater than his and she had something special she could do to win out- but what he was trying to do the whole time was exactly what would make depressed Pinkie, if she let it. That's why it was such a fight.

In Party Of One, she got tricked into depressed Pinkie through anger. Everypony was being sneaky and she got hooked into it, and where she would have resisted the direct idea that her friends didn't love her, she got MAD at them for behaviors that seemed like they didn't love her and were doing something that left her out- and then the anger literally popped when she confronted the idea directly, and bam, mega-depressed Pinkie still with the anger.

So what you gotta do to make a sister that can put Pinkie in depressed mode, is make a sister who flatly rejects Pinkie's whole cheerful concept- and family's tough, they know you too well. I picture this sister as needling Pinkie about the being-on-staginess, the needing that themesong and celebrations. The sister would be depressed but proud of it and angry/mean, she'd feel like depressed IS LIFE and Pinkie is a big loser for not being able to face up to it.

I figure she'd be wrong, but that would explain why Pinkie can't be around her.

I say that's a good idea! Have fun with it, it actually fits in real well with show canon and Pinkie's personality!
>> No. 111839

Would i need to make a new sister, or could i use a previously established one? (Inky or Blinky are their names, I think. wait... Inky, Pinkie, Blinky... Hah maybe i should give her a brother named Clyde.)

I had the idea that Pinkie actually did work on a rock farm, where they used magically infused volcanic soil to grow rocks with very little impurities and send them off to stone cutters or quarries.
>> No. 111967
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I hope I'm not intruding on your thread jinx, but this is so appealing to me, and I think I can help.

It's your story, so it's your decision to use one of the sisters or to make a new one. We aren't given any background on the sisters other than the fan given names, so you have completely free range on the personality of said sibling. You don't want to make her a complete bitch though. It will work better if her bad attitude toward pinkie is petty jealousy or something. Have you ever seen the movie "A league of their own"? The younger sister is driven mad with jealousy of her older sister, for whom everything seems to work out perfectly. She is a talented successful ball player, and the younger sister is left living in her shadow. Eventually the younger sister breaks down and begins flinging hateful slandering at her older sister. you can use this conflict to attack and berate pinkie with stinging personal insults until she can't take it.

Would you agree Jinx?
>> No. 111997
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Essentially jealousy was going to be a big factor. After Pinkie left, Inky Pie started to notice how dull their lives were. She started to hate Pinkie because in her letters home it always seemed that Pinkie was having a lot of fun. Inky wants to make her miserable because she thinks they were better off when they didn't know better. In the end though, thinking it's more about she just missed Pinkie.

(Just a random fact, The ghost Pinky was based around ambushes. He would take roundabout ways to get to Pac-man. Is it just a coincidence that Pinkie Pie does the same thing?)
>> No. 112030
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Bleeding Rain has a good point- several- both that it's your story to decide about, and that you shouldn't go too over the top with the sister's meanness. I see her as more a tough customer, unthinkingly demanding Pinkie adopt her worldview, more able to cope with the ugliness of it perhaps through sarcasm.
>> No. 112054
Got it.
I'll keep all that in mind.
>> No. 112058
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Applejinx, I have a question for you.

I've been writing a story with my OC, Ghostwriter, for a while. I'm willing to admit that when I started, he was probably, unconsciously, a self insert. I've done what I can to try and separate it from that. Yet in reviews, ponies say there is and underlying current of it still there. I have two important OCs in the story, Ghostwriter himself, and his little brother figure, Flare, a Japanese Kitsune. Mostly I get flack for two things. The first being that Twilight doesn't know what a kitsune is. I feel I justify it well enough. Flare is from an area outside of Equestria, and is mostly thought to be a myth, with Flare being the first one ever to be seen. The way I see it, Twilight is very practical and wouldn't research something that isn't real. She's a skeptic. Second thing I get flack for, is Ghost knowledge of a dead magic called Rune Magic. Ponies say that with Twilight being the element of magic she would know about it. I say no, for several reasons. One, the Rune magic was only recently discovered by Ghost from a small country called Gallopia that lies outside of Equestria and keeps to itself. Second, I don't see the element of magic being the KNOWLEDGE of magic, but as the POTENTIAL for magic.

So my question is this, am I wrong in thinking that there are some things Twilight just doesn't know about? I can cite three instances to support this.
One: Didn't know about parasprites.
Two: Didn't know about Discord.
Three: Didn't know about the time spells.

It annoys me that my justifications just seemed to be tossed out the window for, NO TWILIGHT IS MAGIC BWAA. I love Twilight. She's my favorite pony, but why am I the only one who has this founding that Twilight can be clueless about certain things?

Ghostwriter the Scribe.
>> No. 112073
The obvious solution would for her to be aware of them (having read about them in some obscure book way back when), but not really know anything about the buggers. You can still have your Watson figure to do an exposition jump (I'm assuming that's her purpose with Flare) while avoiding the argument that she's completely clueless about their existance.

Without reading you story, I obviously can't comment on your character(s), but a kitsune reeks of furry wish-fulfillment stories to me. Just something to keep in mind.

For what it's worth, I agree on the whole "potential vs. knowledge" thing.
>> No. 112084
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Maybe I'd better jump in!

Yes, I admit, I didn't know what a parasprite was. How was I supposed to know the little things could eat Ponyville? I did my best with the stupid things. And yes, the mere fact that I am the Element Bearer (note, please, NOT the Element itself, the bearer!) of Magic does not mean that I am the repository of all knowledge.

That said...

Is there some reason I should know about that you need to call me 'clueless'? I'm trying to be reasonable here. It seems to me like your Ghost character is a kid. I'm NOT a kid, Ghostwriter. I'm a grown mare, I live on my own and me and my friends do amazing things. One of... no, two of my friends own their own businesses! I've really got to insist on a measure of respect. I am not a ditz-pony!

As for your kitsune friend, it's challenging bringing new species into Equestria. We've got griffins and a sort of minotaur, goats and donkeys and cows, we've got dragons and baby dragons, but we don't have tanuki either, or vampire trees, or kirin (though I bet they'd get along well here). We've got largely Greek myths, no Japanese. That makes your kitsune a big crossover.

Applejack's reminding me that in our own fanfic-verse, I explained futanari as a word from 'a land of ponies over the sea', clearly meaning Japan. I can only say that it was a brush-off- meant to show that I'd heard of that stuff from somewhere, but not to go into any detail. Bring a Japanese mythological creature into Equestria and you immediately have detail and something of a culture shock.

Let me guess, this kitsune is clever and silky and cuter than Fluttershy whilst in heat, am I right? That's another dangerous choice- putting kitsune in FURRY stories is already dangerous because they are such Foxy Sues, bringing one into Equestria is double jeopardy.

And having him there to back Ghost up as he struggles with ME being 'clueless'... *sigh* Don't you love us? We're an awfully good team. Can't we just have an adventure without some OCs showing up to make us look like chumps?

Hey, how about the big bad of the story kidnaps all of your OCs and then they are helpless and we have to rescue them! We'll show you how un-clueless we are then! I totally, totally promise we will rescue them and NOT go off to have a picnic with our own scriptwriters who really love us...
>> No. 112086
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Speak for yourself!
>> No. 112091
Okay, sorry first off.

Never meant to insult. I just was saying that it is possible you don't know everything. I built Ghost to essentially be your foil. Your down to earth, you research practical things. Ghost is a dreamer, he loves myths and legends, and believes theirs some truth to every one. He's a bit older than you.

Another thing is that i didn't make Flare smart. He's a childish, somewhat clever, two tailed fox. He has minor shape-shifting and illusory abilities. As I said, my justification for you not knowing about them is that they are a myth. It just seemed to me you wouldn't research myths.

But one big thing here, Twilight.

I never called you an idiot. I apologize if I made implications of that. I just said that you might not know everything. You are smarter than Ghost. He just applies his intelligence in different areas, areas you don't research because your realistic.

Am I wrong?
>> No. 112107
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In all seriousness, I never meant to call Twilight stupid.

So I finished the third chapter of my story and figured I'd get an opinion from you. I think I got all the characters down this time and I don't think grammar will be much of an issue. This one has all the mane six. I have found that I have a problem where I'll get two characters talking and then think, 'Oh crap that guys there too'. So that might be in there. Also I feel the end is kinnda rushed but I'm not sure what to do about it.

The only background to this is that Rainbow doesn't trust Ghost.

Its right here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/194lv2e88YHPJHtJBigGVPFgfOmiNN4ADwAGXn5eJxb0/edit

Read it and weep... or like or hate or whatever.
>> No. 112176
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One cannot 'defiantly hurt', darling- presumably you meant 'definitely'.

I shan't read further, because I can't. You continue to make little improvements, and little errors, and you continue to require your OCs to be central to our lives and so familiar as to amount to a Mane Seventh (and perhaps eighth, or seventh's pet for the pony pet playdate)

Pray allow us to move on from this story, content that you'll finish it out as well as it needs to be finished. If you've some idea that we here are some hotline to the true heart of My Little Pony, I hasten to remind you that our author has us ravaging each other like maddened minks! We do not constitute the Pontiff of Pony.

Further, you will not find that hotline while you yet need to take ANY OC and make them familiar and intimate with all the mane six at once. Hell! In our exploits, for OC substitute Trixie and Gilda, notably Trixie, and yet she has a very awkward time becoming familiar with the rest of us and Gilda doesn't even try to be, she just gets very familiar with Dash!

When a tale is there to showcase clop, that is recognizable by the flying fluids and crying out of voices in lusty bellows of glee. ...well, if you're doing it correctly. When a tale is there to showcase the deep bonds of friendship and belonging, it is just as easily recognized- by the assumed intimacies, by casual rudeness perhaps, by what is permitted that would not be admissible from a stranger or acquaintance.

I regret that we, Applejinx's ponies, have made a distinctly shaky job of being your bestest friend ever- though in some ways, in helping you up your proverbial game, we have indeed been your steadfast if exasperated friends. You cannot reach the Hub ponies, nor can we. They're behind closed doors in scriptwriting sessions, and Jayson Theissen has probably got a very clear vision of them and could do as I'm doing, and he won't do that for you, or I.

Continue with your story until it is done, and do not fret too much about haters- they have a point, but when they whine about OCs and kitsune and how out of character we are, what they are really saying is, 'I don't like your self-insert and I don't want the mane six to love him'.

And you do, and you cannot please both sides.

But if you write what YOU need to write, there may be somepony out there who needs to read it and identify with it- and you are surely good enough for that.

Cease trying to get the blessing of all possible critics (and of us!) and write your story the way you feel it! WE are not the ones who most need to feel it. You are returning again and again because you want the blessing of we Elements of Harmony- you want your character to be loved and accepted by the heroes of MLP:FIM, to the point that nopony could deny the truth of it.

Darling, I am a sadomasochist in OUR author's tales. If you tell tales right, your desired audience will buy into it completely- and some ponies will RAGE at you, so fierce is their ire!

Our audience would never put up with your story. Our audience is really rather daunting, consisting of many other pony authors, some of the most frighteningly capable ones in the fandom.

Go seek your audience, by finishing your story. Your need to make it 'real' will carry you. Return not when you've finished it (presenting it like some sort of essay to be graded): return when you have the NEXT story, having got this one out of your system, much as we are getting the last chapters of a much longer story out of OUR systems.

Now shoo! We were never intended to be back-seat drivers! As it is, we are suggesting far too much, vetting ideas for you, and it is not our business to be this hooves-on! This thread is more suited to candid reactions to fics.

And we do love you! We will just have much difficulty expressing it in quite the way you want to receive it..
>> No. 112191
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Hi Applejinx! I've got a fic for you, if you're inclined to take a look at it (my submission to the last /fic/ Writeoff, in fact). I'm mainly focused on making sure I get the character interactions down (Shining/parents, Shining/Twilight, Shining/friends, etc.). Any input you have would be greatly appreciated!

Title: What We Leave Behind
Word Count: 5,665
Synopsis: Shining Armor has had a dream all of his life: to be one of the Royal Guard, and protect all of Equestria from those who would threaten it. And he's finally almost there—a letter of acceptance and the goodwill of his family and friends have made this future possible. Yet sometimes we only truly realize what we have left as we leave to defend it.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NKExui9rB5Ir8O0punJLX17pZulb39J-TWxzKy2iPZI/edit

Thanks again!

Note that this is also in SLP/Garnots' queue. Just as a head's-up.
>> No. 112194
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I'm sure we don't mind that- we've never said a thing about simultaneous submissions as we are not a publisher- and if another reviewer disagrees with us, frankly I wouldn't be a bit surprised after seeing some of the weird comments left in various Google Docs. You'll just have to decide who to listen to- 'everypony and nopony!' might be a good answer there.

I'm grabbing this one. MY brother. Applejack was going to take it, but seriously, who ought to know my brother better, me or farm girl?

Don't answer that, Rainbow!

Hm- one thing that throws me right out of the gate is, he smirked. I have to say, Shining usually tends to get on my nerves for the opposite- being too noble. He's an impossible act to follow. Even as a colt he was sort of insufferable, like he always meant to be Prince Wonderfulness. I've made him giggle, but I've never seen him smirk in self-satisfaction. He gets this look like some audience somewhere is cheering, and he basks- there's nothing funny about it to him, it's not a prize he's stolen or a prank he's pulled...

I better move on or I'll spend the entire time talking about the first off note.

Hm! You know Cadance hooked up with him because they're so alike? I've never seen her call him ridiculous. Even when he richly deserved it...

How's he GRIPPING it if not with his horn? He's using his mouth for talking with!

Rainbow...! I don't even want to know why YOU are smirking. No, seriously, don't ever tell me what you were thinking.

Ye gods, you've got a male Apple. Are you going to kill him off? *ulp* Sorry, Applejack.

Suddenly he's shouting and standing on the table? I don't think you know my brother that well. He's always been way too hung up on being noble and dignified. If he could do that, he would have flipped out at me bigtime when I ruined his wedding (except for I really saved it, but that's another story).

Oh, God! Shining is too honest to ever say 'I'm just a guy who wants to swing a sword around and look good doing it'. He believes his own hype. Heck, I believe his hype- the reason he was able to join with Candace and save the country is, he really means it. He does. His name says 'knight', he bought into all that noble crap from an early age, and where I have always worried and doubted, he's NEVER seriously questioned it. He knows what he is.

Look. When I was little, I almost got hit by a hay-cart once, and he tackled me and got us both to safety. He got scolded because he had to run straight across the street to do it, and Dad was right there and also jumped to get me out of the way, but Dad had to get the heck out of Shining's way or be run over. Shining just had to do the saving, in the most dramatic way. I was all bruises, which I wouldn't have been if Dad had grabbed me.

He told me later that he would have died saving me. He meant it. All this nobility stuff he does? It's legit- as legit as Cadance being loving.

Oh, it's me. (hm- Shining didn't laugh at me, he always took me SUPER seriously so now I go nuts when ponies laugh at me...)


He did. He did give me Smarty Pants. That's... why it seemed so perfect for me to give him to the girls. It was like I was doing the noble, best thing, like my brother. Though I sure screwed that up... as usual...

Huh. I feel like Shining would tell me, who you are defines who you are. For him it's always been so simple. I think he's wrong there- but then I think too much.

Maybe it would've been better if another pony handled this? Now I'm all full of self-doubt- oh, hush, Rainbow! 'like usual' my tail! But my point is, I'm seeing a very, very different pony than you are, in Shining Armor.

And I'm seeing a pony who could only have appeared briefly in two episodes of our show, because his stories are just not as interesting. He's a real-life hero. Story heroes are different. They're like- some of the guys Harrison Ford played. All edges and depth and sass, wearing their egoes on their sleeve, and Shining isn't like that or he would've been playing Rainbow Dash's part all these shows.

Honestly, as wonderful as he is, and he's way more wonderful than me- I'm a better TV star than him. And YES, Rainbow, you're a way better TV star than him too! My worries make me relatable. He doesn't have those kinds of worries. He's perfect for what he is and what he did- but the story of his life is just not as dramatic as the catastrophes _I_ keep running into.

I want him for a real life hero big brother best friend. Well, _I_ get to have him as exactly that, but do you see my point? It's hard to write for him when he and Cadance are so damn good. It always drove me nuts. I couldn't believe he'd got engaged without telling me, because he NEVER does anything that isn't totally sickeningly noble and good like the overgrown Pony Scout he is, and it just figures he got tricked because he trusted anything that looked like Cadance, when _I_ would have kicked up a huge stink.

Um... which I guess I did.

But you see my point? You're trying to do something very difficult. Like making a 'postmodern' Superman. In some ways you shouldn't, because part of what makes him who he is, is that insufferable nobleness that... I guess I depend on, knowing it's there.

Sorry. That's not MY Shining Armor. Whoever it is, it's much more interesting story-wise, more complicated and wry and funny, but Shining isn't complicated or wry or funny- his jokes, oh my gosh his jokes are lame! He does puns, they're horrible and you can't stop him making them once he starts.

Um... I have the feeling I haven't helped at all, but you sure brought my fillyhood back for me! Hope it isn't too much of a bringdown?
>> No. 112195
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I think somepony might be harboring unhealthy feelings for her brother.
>> No. 112203
Thanks for the prompt "review," Applejinx! I guess that the major problem is that there's a fundamental disconnect in our respective SA "headcanons." I don't see SA as some noble, perfect figure; I figure that everyone was a kid once, and he was kind of a small-town hero for his family and friends. Sure, he was goofy, but he was likeable, and always made sure to do the right thing. I will admit that we've only gotten about ten whole minutes of canon screentime with him, though, so neither of us really have anything to fall on.

I appreciate the input anyway! I'm glad you got to "relive your fillyhood."
>> No. 112205

I'm with Vision, actually. Armor takes his job very seriously, for obvious reasons, but he has a pet name for Twilight, he's nothing but warm and cheerful when he deals with her, and it's possible--though it's only one interpretation--that her fond memories of him are because he played with her and had fun with her.

When I read this, though, my main impression was that it was nice to show Shining Armor, the guy whose very name makes him out to be some stoic noble hero, as a kid. Look at him: He's got a surfer friend, he has an adolescent, budding relationship with Cadence, and he's giving up all his old toys. Regardless of how far it breaks from canon SA, it's cute.
>> No. 112208
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um, hello! i have never written a story before, but i am working on a little something and i was wondering if, maybe, you could help to look it over for me?

It is not even a page long right now, i think... but it is an idea that i hope will be worth looking in to and i would love to post it in the thread and get your opinion!
>> No. 112218
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And so we say farewell for a while. You have been a good friend in my short time here, spurring me on with harsh words and sagely advice. I am saddened, but at least your not throwing rocks at me. It is with this, that I strive to leave on good terms. So long Friend, may we meet in the future. It's been a pleasure.
>> No. 112219

If it's so short, I wouldn't mind having a look while you're here. Why don't you make with the google docs or the pastebin or some such nonsense?
>> No. 112224
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Here it is! i have it in a google doc, but it is so small that i think it will fit here!

THE PONY BIBLE (working name)

In the beginning, there were two. And the two were as one; Celestia and Luna. They who governed the very stars... and so the two sisters maintained balance of the cosmos as endlessly as time itself.

Then, in one fateful moment, during the sparkling twilight, each sister approached the other and, to forever commemorate their love for one another, created the earth. And the Sisters said “Let there be harmony,” and there was harmony. They saw that the land was beautiful, and they separated the light from the darkness. Celestia called the light “day,” and Luna called the darkness “night.” The eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn; the younger brought out the moon to begin the night- the first day.

But the earth was cold and empty, and as the alicorn sisters surveyed the earth, they knew something was missing. Then Celestia said, “Let us make ponykind in our image, in our likeness, so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky, over the livestock and all the wild animals, and over all the creatures that move along the ground, but for those which are Everfree.”
So the Sisters created ponykind in their own image, in the image of the Sisters they created them; Pegasus, unicorn and earth pony, were they created. Luna blessed them and said to them, “have big adventures and tons of fun with beautiful hearts, faithful and strong. Share your kindness, for it is an easy feat. And may our magic make it all complete.”

And it was so.

Then Celestia said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant and tree. Apples, carrots, celery stalks- colorful flowers, too. Plants bearing seed according to their kinds and trees bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds.”

And it was so.

The Sisters blessed their pony creations and said to them, “be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and share it. Live in the light of harmony and dwell in the love of your creators.”

The Sisters saw all that they had made, and it was good.

Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.
>> No. 112237
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Eh. I wouldn't worry about it. I don't think Twi believes Shining Armor is stuffy- but maybe the pony who teased her about being a LITTLE too fond of her wonderful big brother, had a point!

Well, it's real pretty, though our Princesses ain't EXACTLY goddesses... I do believe Celestia would chuckle fondly at you for thinkin' she made all this. But it's very sweet. So, a pony bible? Do us mane cast get to be like the cast of Genesis or somethin'? How much more is there? Revelations ought to be a real barn-burner :)
>> No. 112239
File 134272752616.png - (14.82KB , 100x100 , Twilight_100x100_99.png )
...he IS TOO the most wonderful stallion anypony ever saw...
>> No. 112243
File 134272900137.png - (282.97KB , 526x353 , shy fluttersmile.png )
i'm glad you like it, Applejack! i just thought it might be something fun to do c:

Do you think it is worth continuing?
>> No. 112250

Don't get me wrong, using the language from the Bible i.e. specific lines like "there were two, and the two were as one" reads really well. It's convenient, it's clever, it's graceful. However, such direct reference to the bible as you've written here is basically a "find-and-replace."

If I were to suggest one way to break away from the trap of writing little more than a lot of words that just make the statement "Celestia and Luna are

like the Christian God," I would say find a meaning for your writing besides making it skilled, purple, and pleasant to read (which it already is in some ways.) Make a statement, or an argument, or have some kind of unexpected twist or conclusion that is a serious departure from the Bible proper.In short, find a new, weightier reason why this story should be told.

Even Jinx's idea--ponies playing out dramatic episodes from the Bible--risks not accomplishing this. In fact, even playing out those episodes and painstakingly ponifying them i.e. making sure villains and religious figures are appropriately pony-appropriate might do it or it might not. You can try that, but if it were me, I'd make this something more religious-themed fanfic and less strictly Bible.

At this point I have to address the possibility that my advice here is based on what I'd want to read vs. what would be popular or what would help you develop as a writer, but I don't think that's the case. Find-and-replace fics

are very limited in what they do both for the reader and for you. Fighting against the easy way out while knowingly skirting the edge of it can be very

>> No. 112285
File 134275196673.png - (127.97KB , 634x356 , Cute Fluttershy Smile.png )
that is wonderful advice! i think i will keep the introduction as such and take it in a much different direction.
>> No. 112313
File 134276447668.jpg - (44.34KB , 779x960 , 303659_335544226521629_1555745885_n.jpg )
Hey there Jinxie, I just finished writing the first scene to a story I've thought of. It's not edited yet so if you could just ignore any grammar mistakes you might find, I'd like if you could give the characterization a look here, namely the main character, if you can guess her, although it's pretty obvious that would be awesome.
I'm calling it Showmare for now, but I'm still working on that title. Here's the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17XJeELnpIFBDyouSpbaTrbTq4V2oWi76hb2LYSpQsAo/edit
>> No. 112330

Oh yeah one more thing.

I call them the Sisters too. I'm glad other people like the title.
>> No. 112345
File 134277800669.png - (68.08KB , 264x254 , Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2_37 PM 1.png )
Hm. Mean bastards don't describe the opposite as 'foolish caring soul' on account of caring ain't a concept to them, so the whole 'this is what will happen' is like a vicarious connecting and the opposite of what's happenin'. I'm thinkin' the guy is thinkin' 'not my problem, and I'm mad at you for suggestin' it is'.

If ya didn't want us to guess who it is, you shouldn'ta put the text in her color ;)

I din't figure out at first how big of a time-jump there was between the super-flashback of the start and the body of the story- I thought it was still filly-Trixie for quite a while, until the reference to her losing everything. It's bad to leave stuff like that ambiguous and sittin' around- find a way to tip off the reader that we cut to after the MLP episode...

An' excuse me, SHE kin outrun me? I don't think so! I caught her fair and square, you jes' don't want to admit it! But I guess she had a really big head start? I believe the magic-dust-cloud bit, I'll buy that.

I got to admit I'm a little surprised Twi crushed on her from the start- it didn't show. I don't understand why. I could more easily believe 'affection' 'cos 'love' is a hell of a strong word for an almost stranger, no matter how big an impression she made.

An' how come I gave up when th' dust stopped me? I ain't exactly a videogame baddie to be permanently stopped by a puff of dust. I'll be still searching all Ponyville for her, jes' won't know where to look first, maybe not lookin' in clever places. But it sounded like I had somethin' to say, and you can bet I'll make that conversation happen no matter what it takes. I ain't dumb, that Trixie was stealin' apples for FOOD. Why din't she just ASK for food? Who does she think we are, enemies or somethin'? (obviously the answer is 'yep')

Interestin' and another tricky writer task. I think prob'ly the biggest challenge is explaining why it is Twilight randomly fell for her when she sure wasn't actin' like it. That's gonna take a mess of explainin' or it'll be a book-fling moment for anypony who sees Twi as intelligent and skeptical...
>> No. 112365
File 134280324375.jpg - (149.09KB , 1024x576 , 133468863386.jpg )
Hey Applejinx. I'm back sooner than expected. That's because i wrote a new story and it has nothing to do with my OC.(so you can put down the shotgun. How do you even fire that with hooves?) I can here because i want you advice. See I'm having a real problem with the ending.It feels too rushed, but i can't seem to find a good way to end it. Any thoughts?

Title: The Miracles of Harmony

Author: Ghostwriter

Word count: 1523

Synopsis: She would never forgive him. Their battle wasn't meant to go this way. What we need is a miracle. Twilight can deliver.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Im_uGMECOHuYFh7dzwSvF3EeCH9q0RSVeGq4M7-3BaI/edit
>> No. 112378
File 134280554817.jpg - (19.38KB , 511x528 , pinkamena squee.jpg )
Oh, thanks Jinx. You have no idea how much this helps, or maybe you do, Celestia knows.

>I thought it was still filly-Trixie for quite a while, until the reference to her losing everything
Good to know, I'll work on that.

>An' excuse me, SHE kin outrun me? I don't think so! I caught her fair and square, you jes' don't want to admit it!

>An' how come I gave up when th' dust stopped me?
Because I'm a lazy writer and couldn't think of a good reason? Another thing to work on.

>I could more easily believe 'affection' 'cos 'love' is a hell of a strong word for an almost stranger
>I think prob'ly the biggest challenge is explaining why it is Twilight randomly fell for her when she sure wasn't actin' like it.
Easier than you'd think, seeing as that's not where I was going. Did you seriously think this was a shipping fic? Oops, my bad.
I used the word love instead of affection because affection isn't what it is. Twilight remembers Trixie from two years ago, and recognizes that she's in a tough situation. Remember how easily Twilight let her go?
"Just let her go. Maybe someday she'll learn her lesson."
She recognizes that Trixie has done just that, and is looking for help. She still doesn't know What Trixie's been through, or the next part I'm about to tell you, but She sees something in Trixie that is a sure and clear cry for help.

No actually what I was going for was that Trixie is just an ambitious showmare who's had a run of crummy luck, and is now struggling to survive. Do you remember her line from Boast busters?
"I can't."
"Oh, I can't, I never have. No one can vanquish an Ursa Major. I just made the whole story up to make me look better."

She just spoke in first person. i.e. she broke character. Trixie's no mean pony, it was all an act for her performance. She's just an ambitious showmare who is very dedicated to her line of work. The boasting just attracts customers and sells her show.
Trixie is actually going to have this same conversation with Twilight in the next scene.

And don't worry, I plan to have you run into her next. Either Twilight is going to take her by the farm or you're going to run into them at the library. which by the way I'd like your opinion on something, again if you would. Do you think I should write the next scene as it happens, or start with another dream sequence - which needs to happen at some point - and tell the scene as a flashback from the previous day?

Wow that's a long post, I didn't mean to do that. Oops
>> No. 112445
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Too soon! You got to try to struggle it out on your own a lil', sugar! I don't mind lots of ponies stampedin' over to throw fics in my lap, but when it's all th' same pony I got to cry foul!

You GOT to do a lil' more than 1500 words and boom, here you are again wantin' to be tole what to do. It ain't no good if I just TELL you stuff.

I din't read nothin' so this is what I say- if the endin' feels rushed, YOU sense something is wrong. What are you skipping over? Or, what are you ignoring that needs to be dealt with? You, ask yourself the question 'why do I get this feeling it's rushed' and try to find what you're skipping. 'Cos you're skippin' something.
>> No. 112446
File 134283071831.png - (148.35KB , 338x333 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 5_28 PM 1.png )
Stephen King likes to say, 'tell the things that happen in the story, in the order they occur'.

A flashback means 'somebody remembers'. The question is then, WHY did they remember just then? Did they need to? Is it direct enough, does it have to do with what the story is? Flashing back to Trixie's fillyhood establishes who she really is, right up front (though you didn't come out of it as clearly as you could've). Flashing back more does what? Remember you can drop into a character's thoughts with 'she thought' and they can just straight up remember, without a more elaborate flashback.
>> No. 112449
I'm sorry. It was separation anxiety!

Kidding. Anyway, that's just it. I feel I've told all I'm trying to tell, but it feels like it ends to soon. I can't figure a right way to end it properly. Anyway, I'll back off for a while.
>> No. 112457
File 134283663236.png - (453.26KB , 994x558 , Cloudchaser_and_Flitter_reading_flier_S2E22.png )

Listen, I'm colorblind. How purple is Chaser? Pale purple? Really purple? Because to my eye she's pale blue with a hint of purple but the more I stare at her the more I feel like other people see her differently than I do. And what about her mane? Would you call that light shade blue or green?
>> No. 112460
The one on the left is a slightly darker shade of lavender (with the smallest hint of blue, that's almost negligible), and has light blue hair.

The one on the right is lavender, and has light green (seafoam, almost) hair.
>> No. 112462
File 134283855061.png - (55.33KB , 256x256 , Burlesque Icon 03.png )

What Nick said. Both Cloudchaser and Flitter are two different shades of Lavender. The former is visibly darker than the latter.

As for manes, Cloudchaser's is a light shade of blue reminiscent of steel; wikipedia has a shade of blue labelled "Light Steel Blue" which is actually darker than that. She also has white highlights. Literally white; in that image they are 1 point off in each color on the RGB scale from being true white.

>it would annoy /show/ if I made a thread

Maybe, maybe not. It'd probably get a little attention and then get derailed, though.
>> No. 112463
Whoever you are, thank you for confirming that I know which colors are which. That's not to offend the colorblind, I'm just glad to know my parents' money was well-spent in kindergarten.
>> No. 112465
File 134283930633.png - (161.95KB , 399x421 , Snickersnack.png )

No problem, heehee.
>> No. 112470
File 134283988224.png - (29.52KB , 347x406 , Glare.png )
>> No. 112472
File 134284252732.jpg - (214.23KB , 1200x1200 , Love my Dashie.jpg )
>posting Rainbow Dash in response to me

Heehee~. ♥

Alright, that's enough out of me. Jinxie's my friend and I don't want to go and derail his review thread with silliness.
>> No. 112482

Yeah... While watching the episode I thought I saw a slightly blue hue, but now that I'm really staring at pictures, I guess not.

At least I know now for the sake of describing them later... and already I have a line about Chaser that needs editing.
>> No. 112504
File 134286745148.png - (68.08KB , 264x254 , Screen shot 2011-11-29 at 2_37 PM 1.png )
It'll hit autosage soon enough if it hasn't already...
>> No. 112565
File 134291773253.jpg - (9.90KB , 256x256 , 311546_335608503181868_1740595418_n.jpg )
Well I finished it, all 4,600 words. I think I used the flashbacks accordingly, now if I could just nail down the ponies' characterizations. Let me know what they think.
Here's the link again: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17XJeELnpIFBDyouSpbaTrbTq4V2oWi76hb2LYSpQsAo/edit
>> No. 112630
File 134294063270.png - (399.20KB , 840x472 , thesis_cover.png )
Heya, Applejinx! I've been going nuts tweaking and polishing this since the Write Off (where its reception was quite divisive, heh :P), but I think it's finally ready to see the light of day again. I was hoping you could give it the old once-over.

Title: Thesis
Tags: Romance, Sad
Word Count: 5,994
Synopsis: After years of study under Princess Celestia's tutelage, Twilight Sparkle submits a culmination of what she's learned. When her thesis is initially met with disapproval, she makes one final effort to get the Princess to see things her way.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JuhY7LIa1UyGZIN3T0fb055saRBZCby5lzix0qI422c/edit

Primary Concerns:
+ That this comes across as a bland this-is-a-sadfic-so-feel-sad-dammit story.
+ That Celestia comes across as an ice bitch. That was a frequently-raised point in the Write-Off version; I hope that I've addressed that adequately now.
>> No. 112639
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Ain't too happy with Spike. He doesn't mind Trixie on moral terms, he's ANNOYED by her (in the episode)- she's 'unbearable', Spike doesn't want to reform her so much as he wants her to stop talking and be out of his face.

Twi instinctively understands Trixie was beatin' her down with all that bombast, why's she confused about its purpose now?

Trixie's caved in completely without even being angry, when she NEVER really gave up before- even when totally cornered and forced to admit she was lying, she made a puff of smoke and staged a getaway. Why's she given up now?

Spike got no business saying 'I reckon'- and, uh, scatterin' seeds is what you DO... ain't like them things is delicate, you know...

How's Trixie both a cryin' pile of emo with no guts anymore- and tough enough to force her way past me when I'm already mad? I ain't exactly shy o' the physical. She tries to shove me, she's endin' up black an' blue instead'a just blue- and prob'ly hogtied while I'm at it.

You're forgettin' punctuation... Pinkie shows up and all of a sudden quotes are ending with no punctuation in 'em...

Ain't you ever seen a thing of cocoa, or cocoa powder? It's spelled 'cocoa', hon!

*sigh* I do like when Twi corrects Rarity- "..ursa major." "Minor." like that there.

I'm sorry. Seems so negative, but I jes' ain't feelin' it. I guess I figure that Trixie gettin' so soft and mushy is about as likely as Rainbow Dash writin' love poetry- it surprises me greatly to see Trixie as a Fluttershy timid type who's learned an elaborate pushy/bossy act for the purposes of a stage show.

Folks get too angry and then turn around and are gentle- feels like their job is 'be hateful at Trixie' and then 'be not hateful at Trixie' and I can't follow 'em through the changes.

Trixie's all sentimental, like the only way she can be good is if she's tender an' sweet. I ain't tender and sweet hardly atall and I'm good, dammit, why can't Trixie be th' steamroller she seems to be? I can tell you that a hard, deprived life can make you bitter and ruthless and insatiable, tryin' to defeat everything you meet, and that seems more like the Trixie I know. It also brings with it the flip side but it ain't likely to be open sentimentality- and if sentimentality is discovered, that there revelation might feel really unsafe. You'll get lashin' out in anger, not fits of weepin'.

Keep everypony steadier, and find a way to remember that when ya put up a front like that it's gen'rally for your own benefit as well- if Trixie is really that soft, she's fooled herself as well as everypony else, and bein' exposed as a softie should be TERRIFYIN' to her, not anything she can admit so lightly. That makes for a better story, too, 'cos there's a dynamic there.

Wish I din't have ta be such a downer- well, writin's hard!
>> No. 112642
File 134295799718.png - (301.00KB , 531x501 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 2_22 PM 1.png )
Hm, you're makin' sloppy mistakes- "that kinds of frivolity", "Twilight Sparkle suddenly remember that there was", "ignoring the absurdly" an' so on.

But still- wow. You've stuck a subtext into Celestia's "You have a lot to think about" and with that there, her tone is CHILLING.

Poor Twi! This is definitely crazy-pants unicorn time for her. Up an' down like some carnival ride, exhaustin'. Good lord, I get the sense that Celestia's gonna put her to sleep! Easy there AJ, that would never happen...

Okay, here's th' problem with 'Thesis'.

It's totally convincin', but it's unjust. Romances are romances 'cos they have emotional justice. This doesn't. There's nothing for Twilight to be left with except hollow words an' realizations she knows already. She doesn't even grow, she just survives the rejection. Her feelings go nowhere.

This ain't even proper sad because her sadness has no purpose- it doesn't take her to a new realization or to be open to a new thing, there's nothing to suggest Celestia isn't THE love of her life. If Celestia is right, then Twi is wrong: you can't have real love on one side only, it's just a wish that can't take hold. Twi's story ain't over. This is incomplete and isn't even pointing at a real ending, it's pointing back at Celestia again.

I can't stress it too strongly- either Celestia is the one for Twi or not, and if she is then it's real strange how she's acted, and if she ain't, what you told ain't th' real story. As well as you've told it, this is incomplete.
>> No. 112653
File 134298044573.jpg - (45.81KB , 960x960 , 484399_363791960352937_1737600741_n.jpg )
Thanks a bunch Jinx. Don't feel bad for bein' so negative, as much as I wish you had nothing to say bad about it, the more mistakes you find, the better the story gets.

>Spike doesn't want to reform her so much as he wants her to stop talking and be out of his face.
Noted, I'll work on that. I was trying to play it off as spike just not understanding, but what you said makes sense.

>Twi instinctively understands Trixie was beatin' her down with all that bombast, why's she confused about its purpose now?
I'm not quite sure what you mean. She certainly didn't see it in the episode, she was fooled by the act with everypony else. And I've written it that Twilight still doesn't understand it was all an act, at least not at first.

>even when totally cornered and forced to admit she was lying, she made a puff of smoke and staged a getaway. Why's she given up now?
That's because escape was possible, because she planned to continue her act, and because she didn't have somewhere to get to; she could still travel. In the scene by the tree, she's on her way to baltimare, and she has given up the act long ago, there's no purpose in running anymore.

>Spike got no business saying 'I reckon'- and, uh, scatterin' seeds is what you DO
Thanks for catching that, I'll see what I can do. that part wasn't actually important, it was just making dialogue, and gave me a reason for Trixie's brief flashback. I'll find something else to put there.

>How's Trixie both a cryin' pile of emo with no guts anymore- and tough enough to force her way past me when I'm already mad
That one's been a heap o' trouble. See the thing is, you ain't mad, Trixie's just scared, and thinks ye are.

>It's spelled 'cocoa', hon!
Is it? Oops, fixed.

>Folks get too angry and then turn around and are gentle
Uh, Which folks would that be? The mane cast? or the flashback jerks.

>it surprises me greatly to see Trixie as a Fluttershy timid type
I'll work on that. She's not supposed to be quite so soft, but she's not as strong as she comes off.

Here's the Trixie Bible I wrote before I started writing the story:
she ought to be mostly canon, but she’s not a narcisist like in the show. Trixie is a young ambitious showmare, who’s lost everything. She’s in a rut. She has no money; all of her belongings were lost to the ursa. She tries to be strong and proud, but she’s lost all hope and has nopony to turn to. she will get discouraged easily.
That's what I was referring to when I was writing her. Maybe it needs revision?

>if Trixie is really that soft, she's fooled herself as well as everypony else, and bein' exposed as a softie should be TERRIFYIN' to her, not anything she can admit so lightly.
That... is actually not far from what I was trying to do, thanks Jinx.

I'll get to work on these right away
>> No. 112658
File 134298400200.png - (789.68KB , 1600x1255 , ____i_can_has_sleepover_________shaded_vector_by_krazy3-d530okr.png )
>"that kinds of frivolity", "Twilight Sparkle suddenly remember that there was", "ignoring the absurdly"
ಠ_ಠ Ugh, that's painful, considering the number of times that I've reread this, printed it out, resized the font, etc. Seriously, even staring at your post, it took me a minute or two to see the problems. Like I said, I've been staring at this fic for far too long haha.

Anyway, blarg. I forgot to list one of my primary concerns, but you bucked it right in the jaw anyway. This isn't a story; it's a Chapter One. I can make a bunch of excuses: this was my first foray into this style of fic; Celestia's "does she or doesn't she" was an experiment in deliberately leaving that open-ended; Twi's naivete was deliberate too; I was hoping to get this off my chest and move on, so I tried to shoehorn it into a one-shot. But ultimately, I'm trying to turn a call-to-action into a climax, and it's just not the story that people want out of this. They want the next year of Twilight's journey, and most importantly, the closure (one way or another) with Tia.

I guess my other fear with expanding this story is the fear that it's already been told. Twilight naively falls for a Princess, realizes she doesn't truly understand love, goes on a journey to discover the true meaning of love, returns to the Princess in the hopes that now she'll take her back. Sound familiar?

Still, it sounds like that's the primary problem here? If I tweak this a bit, officially label it Chapter One, and continue the story, then it's a solid-enough start?

Thanks for the help!
>> No. 112676
File 134299368293.png - (366.34KB , 568x542 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 3_42 PM 1.png )
>she ought to be mostly canon, but she’s not a narcisist like in the show. Trixie is a young ambitious showmare, who’s lost everything. She’s in a rut. She has no money; all of her belongings were lost to the ursa. She tries to be strong and proud, but she’s lost all hope and has nopony to turn to. she will get discouraged easily.

Try this: she’s not going to STAY a narcisist like in the show. Trixie is a young ambitious showmare, who’s lost everything. She’s in a rut. She has no money; all of her belongings were lost to the ursa. Her strength and pride aren't helping anymore. She’s turning bitter and has nopony to turn to. The only way for her to survive is to go against the habits of a lifetime- and reach out for help- and not piss off those who would help her!

'Boy meets girl' is a mighty old story too. All Twilestia is based on the same dynamic, it's just how you do it. No sense turning it into something else just because Twilestia already exists, when there's folks who are frantic to read more of 'the same story' because they want it so much.
>> No. 112721
File 134301381196.gif - (499.77KB , 300x252 , 133572191644.gif )
Well I promised you I would give you something better to review than my last trainwreck of a fic, and I hope this is it. This is a story I wrote a long time ago, but didn't get to actually editing it to submit anywhere until now. I know I have problems flanderizing the mane six so I wanted to make sure I at least got Flutter's character right for this. Also I'd like to figure out a way to make it longer without overstaying its welcome but oh well.

Title: Fluttershy Visits the Zoo
Words: 1223
Tags: Comedy
Synopsis: Fluttershy and Angel go on one of their weekly zoo visits.

Pic unrelated.
>> No. 112723
File 134301393532.jpg - (106.20KB , 500x300 , facepalm.jpg )

>Forget to link actual story

>Incorrect password when trying to delete

>> No. 112771
File 134303739446.png - (12.73KB , 100x100 , Rainbow_100x100_06.png )

>Angel, at least, had the sense to bring the bolt cutters

My life is just that little bit more awesome with that sentence in it.

You're funny! Coulda been a bigger punchline at totally the end, but still- this is funny, it's got a lot of little details like the first time she tried to get the tree frogs... (I bet they're the real brightly colored ones, huh? Now I'm imagining Fluttershy all loopy)

Short and sweet and not even many mistakes! Twilight says "as she lead the exodus" should be 'led', I'll take her word for it, I was too busy giggling. Oh, and "they probably had important things to do tomorrow morning and needed their sleep"- I'd go with 'in the morning', otherwise it jumps from the narrator talking about Fluttershy's thoughts, to Fluttershy talking just for a word.

Pretty good, though!
>> No. 112784
File 134304157435.jpg - (64.45KB , 349x304 , Minato_Arisato___Persona_3_by_a1pha_5tigma.jpg )

Phew, I'm glad you liked it--I was a bit worried, to be quite honest. I'll make those changes. Thank you.
>> No. 112953
File 134311931381.png - (116.92KB , 800x600 , 132631991036.png )
I gave it a shot. It's still bugging me. The conversation with her explaining how it was an act has got to happen at some point; it's crucial for the story, and for the reader in turn, but I can't figure out what to do with it. Got any suggestions?

I also tried to tone down spike a little bit, and I still can't figure out what's so inconsistent about everypony.
>> No. 112954
File 134312290399.png - (178.13KB , 374x368 , Screen shot 2011-12-03 at 3_56 PM 1.png )
You gotta just do the best you can. Same as anypony.
>> No. 112955
File 134312342398.png - (150.39KB , 1023x1070 , 134300081997.png )
Alright, Applejinx.

I would like your opinion on this little fic. I'm actually proud of this little fic. Reviewers have actually thought it was a good little story. I've been running it past ponies that have seen my previous work to see if I've improved. I have no qualms with it. I just want your opinion.

Title: What's In A Name.

Tags: Normal

Synopsis: Sometimes a name can be more than just a name. It's a concept that Twilight has been thinking on, and she's come to some interesting conclusions.

Word Count: 1597

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Yl32wlKLHQ-YIRPwq9oCI30T33XQTu7eb77IyP3U1Q8/edit
>> No. 112987
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She din't come to any conclusions. She just ran with a buncha thoughts and it didn't go anywhere. The trouble you're havin' with this one is, Twi is an intellectual, and you ain't- so she's laboring over a big idea that is nothin' more than the subject of a chan thread.

This is a chan thread, not a story. It's a thread about 'hey guys, what if pony names are related to their cutie marks'? Now, there have been some okay stories that weren't stories- like the one about Pinkie watchin' paint dry- but this isn't a big enough idea, Twilight exploring a thought is not unusual in any way.

The one thing that jumps out for me, though, is that it is the most in-character thing I've ever seen from you...
>> No. 113005

>She din't come to any conclusions. She just ran with a buncha thoughts and it didn't go anywhere.

But... but she did. She concluded that somehow names were tied into talents and marks.

>Twilight exploring a thought is not unusual in any way.

Its not meant to be.
>> No. 113014

>She concluded that somehow names were tied into talents and marks.

So what?

The example Jinx mentioned, the one about watching paint dry, had Pinkie go on a bit of a journey in her mind. She had opinions, feelings, her thoughts changed and progressed. There's also the aspect of other ponies not suspecting that Pinkie Pie is being philosophical while she's staring at the wall. Finally, it ends with a humorous little incident that adds a "click" to the end of the story.

More importantly, though, this conclusion is not unexpected, significant, or meaningful. Maybe if you managed to build up and then drop something poignant/creepy about free will at the end, this would be better, but that would require a lot more restructuring than just guiding Twilight's thoughts differently.

I had a look at it myself, and yeah, this is just Twilight sitting and thinking about shit.
>> No. 113024
Just wanted to create a simple story.
>> No. 113126

And there's nothing wrong with that, but I think maybe you wanted it to be more than it is.

First off your writing is dry. Twilight painstakingly analyzing all her friends' names is not interesting. Those parts could have been slashed in half.

At the end of the day the entire point of your fic is to let something out of your system that weighs down normal stories and should be kept to a minimum--infodumping.

A story can start with a dry, worldbuild-y concept like this and then blossom into a nice story. I started one of my fanfics by doing a bunch of thinking and writing about a futuristic Equestria. Just blathering textbook-style about the city and its history and cybertechnology and the role of magic in modern society and whatnot would have been interesting to absolutely nobody except me. I came up with a story that was all about that world. Even if you just wanted to talk about this stuff and weren't concerned with progression and conflict and all that nonsense, I'd say you should push this concept and get risky instead of just talking about obvious strict-canon stuff.

This might be fun if woven into something with a plot. Take the concept and think of a meaning and a conflict.

Or don't, and move on! Your prose is fine, your mechanics aren't glaring enough that I caught them with just the quick skim, and all you need is to just find your feet. Hooves.
>> No. 113128
File 134320922296.png - (189.08KB , 500x282 , 134211071528.png )
I'm not sure. I initially wrote it just to get out my musings on the Mane Six's names. I had no other plans for it, besides a squeal with Twilight trying to figure out the crusaders cutie marks using the theory. In the end it was just supposed to be a little amusing story about names.

Admittedly Applejinx calling me stupid (At least that's what it came off as. correct me if I'm wrong) hurt. I thought I had some clever little musings with Fluttershy and Applejack.
>> No. 113130

Ah, I see. Far be it for me to speak for him, but I think that he was saying that the topic and the depth of Twilight's studies there are rather beneath her. Again, she's analyzing boring strict-canon.

Go ahead and move on. This, imo, is an experiment that could be woven into a story, but that story's going to have to be written from scratch.
>> No. 113135
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You're NOT an intellectual. I wonder how old you are, but it doesn't really matter on the internet, does it? You could be anybody.

You're being judged to the same standards that would be used for Tactical there, or Device Heretic, or a superstar like Terry Pratchett or Stephen King (neither of whom have been good enough to write ponifiction, though I wouldn't put it past Pratchett- now that would be a hell of a crossover)

Canon Twilight can't get deeply into lines of reasoning because the TV-show format totally prevents her from more than hinting at her intellectual rigor. Doesn't change the fact that she's a total egghead, much more than you.

You've been improving steadily, and comin' back over and over for more beatings, until I can be made to say nice things. But as near as I can tell you are just learning, and I'm not at all sure you read as much as some of us writerponies do. I'm just not getting that sense. This is not second nature to you. You're laboring hugely and the effort shows, but we don't generally become delighted with a fic because it was hard to write- it's when effortlessness is combined with a special image or situation that folks get thrilled. Twi laboring over the association of cutiemarks with names is one of the most in-character things you've ever done, but you're still dragging it along thought by thought.

I think you're doggedly trying to be a good writer- rather than pursuing an idea that you MUST get down. I think the self-insert one was that 'compelling idea' and you shut it down because folks like me thought it was lame. Told you once, my first book was like that (though different).

Maybe you better write up the self-insert one like you mean it, and once you've DONE that, look around and see if there's other ideas that start to look interestin'?

This does not mean I'm volunteerin' to read every draft and every chapter of the self-insert one! Jes' that maybe I got an idea what you need to do for yourself, and maybe you should quit fuckin' around tryin' to please me and others, and do what YOU want just how you want it?
>> No. 113138
Whatever, and here I was trying to do damage control.

Witty writing, or even nicely flowing and enjoyable writing, is not being "intellectual." Twilight here is studying something that is fucking boring. Your writing is fine. Your ability to work your idea is fine. The level of your idea is hugging the damn dirt.
>> No. 113139
File 134321631478.jpg - (62.50KB , 600x552 , 134022863763.jpg )
This one, and in fact all of my stories are done because I wanted to do them. It wasn't for anyone but myself. I have a lot of hate towards my writing, but I don't stop. I torture myself.

Anyway, just wanted to see if I had improved a bit and I have. This was just i little story not meant to achieve anything. Was just my own musings turned into a short little story. The OC story I'm still writing, just more in a planing stage at this point.
>> No. 113315
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Yes, you did. No question about it.
Now if you want to write, rather'n just 'improve', think up something you want to see happen, and write that. Life's too damn short for 'not meant to achieve anything'
Yes, absolutely you've improved through makin' an effort and paying closer attention to your craft. That's what's supposed to happen. Means you're doing that part right. Creatin' isn't about you or your qualifications, though, it's about needing something to exist and making it up. Over to you- remains to be seen whether you need anything important that ain't here with us in the world already.
I reckon 'I need an adorable kitsune buddy' is honest. Lest we forget, 'I need an adorable pony' gave us My Little Dashie, so don't scorn the lame ideas too quickly. It's execution of the idea that counts.
>> No. 113389
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Greetings, ponys of Ponychan!

I recently submitted my first work to Equestria Daily.

It was rejected.

Among the comments left by the reviewer was the suggestion that I come to this very board and seek assistance from its local populace. When I saw Applejinx' name, I knew this was the thread for me.

So: my fic. It is long--especially for a single chapter--and it is a "mature" work, though there is no clop. It's also a crossover*.

If anypony is still reading this, I salute your fortitude!

*In spirit only--there are no humans, and prior knowledge of Battlestar Galactica is not required.

Name: Ponystar Celestia
Tags: Romance, Sad, Dark, Crossover, Adventure
Rating: Mature
Warning: Gore
Description: Years after the weddding of Princess Cadance and Shining Armor, Equestria has expanded its borders.  This expansion has led to the creation of massive airships known as "ponystars," which protect settlers and civilian caravans.

This is the story of one such ponystar, as she and her crew face an attack from a mysterious foe that threatens the very survival of ponykind.

Can these ponies and their friendships survive when the enemy could be anypony?


My thanks in advance to anypony willing to brave this swollen beast--I hope to hear from you soon!
>> No. 113408
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Gosh! This sure is a big chapter.

I'm thinkin' that what's throwing the ponies at EqD is this: I just read through the beginning to where Shining Armor gets killed, and the tone is gentle up front and then suddenly it's grimdark as fuck, and even though Shining acts like the hero we've been waitin' to see, the changeling just kills him with no trouble at all.

And then there's Blueblood, but he's nice? But I wanna find out what happened to Shining Armor! Wait, he got whacked. I wanna follow his killer!
Oh, lordy, Survivor filk-poni. That's an ouch, sugarcube.

Why the BUCK am I suddenly readin' gibberish of a diseased mind or somethin'? You ain't explained shit!

Yeah, here's the thing- you're undisciplined as hell. You can put together scenes pretty easy, and you're doin' it in wild profusion, but they don't line up, they're not takin' me anywhere. And you're killing off so many ponies, for no reason beyond effect! It clashes bigtime with the more gentle tone of the mane cast there.
Them ponies cannot catch a break. I reckon that's the Galactica influence? I've looked over th' whole thing and I really can't tell you where you're going with it- and that's a problem, 'cos the enemies got no motivation besides to be monsters and they're havin' it all their own way. Nopony's planning, they're jes' improvising- and so are you.

You need to work out what's happening and why, and at least touch on the romance-poni concept of 'emotional justice'. You CANNOT jes' kill everypony off. That's not drama, that's just angst. Drama means you have to know what they want, and see how they mean to get it, and then follow 'em through setbacks. I see no plans, I see no ideas of 'what we're gonna do' or even 'what's happening'. I don't even see plans from the enemies- just one very deadly Cadance-ling and some crazy pony that all I know is they're deranged but I know nothin' else.

The characters have got to have more intention. They're too dang passive. I figure I'd be un-passive but you got me coughin' up blood for no damn reason and Dashie will be upset if she figures it's her fault...
>> No. 113425
File 134335620015.jpg - (94.76KB , 532x800 , dark-knight-rises-new-bane-photo.jpg )
Ah, I'm very glad that I did not include the pre-reader's comments--your unbiased reading shows me entirely different angles!

>Gosh! This sure is a big chapter.
Indeed. At the pre-reader's suggestion I will be splitting this into smaller portions. I am sorry that I have not yet had the opportunity.

>I'm thinkin' that what's throwing the ponies at EqD is this: I just read through the beginning to where Shining Armor gets killed, and the tone is gentle up front and then suddenly it's grimdark as fuck, and even though Shining acts like the hero we've been waitin' to see, the changeling just kills him with no trouble at all.
They didn't mention the tonal shift at all, actually.

>And then there's Blueblood, but he's nice?
"Nice" is a strong word, but he has grown, yes.

>Oh, lordy, Survivor filk-poni.
[Chuckles.] Yes, I rather feared that that would brush you the wrong way. Thank you for reading on despite that.

>Why the BUCK am I suddenly readin' gibberish of a diseased mind or somethin'? You ain't explained shit!
Why Ms. Apple--such language! The scene is there to establish Screwball's presence, as I have ideas for her later. As for not explaining, I must admit that I was hoping to whet the reader's appetite.

>Yeah, here's the thing- you're undisciplined as hell. You can put together scenes pretty easy, and you're doin' it in wild profusion, but they don't line up, they're not takin' me anywhere.
Hmmm... I was trying for a holistic approach, rather than simply leading the reader along. Perhaps I overreached.

>And you're killing off so many ponies, for no reason beyond effect! It clashes bigtime with the more gentle tone of the mane cast there.
I take it that you're including background ponies and OCs? If not, the only confirmed canon pony fatalities so far are Shining Armor and an uncredited Peachy Pie.

>Them ponies cannot catch a break. I reckon that's the Galactica influence?

>I've looked over th' whole thing and I really can't tell you where you're going with it- and that's a problem, 'cos the enemies got no motivation besides to be monsters and they're havin' it all their own way. Nopony's planning, they're jes' improvising- and so are you.
Hmmm... Keeping the reader guessing is one thing, but if my readers see no method to my madness that's something else entirely. I'll have to think on this.

>You need to work out what's happening and why, and at least touch on the romance-poni concept of 'emotional justice'. You CANNOT jes' kill everypony off. That's not drama, that's just angst. Drama means you have to know what they want, and see how they mean to get it, and then follow 'em through setbacks.
At this point in the narrative, the ponies are still in a state of shock; plans will come soon. I take your point, though--"as-published" it's all rather opaque.

>I see no plans, I see no ideas of 'what we're gonna do' or even 'what's happening'. I don't even see plans from the enemies- just one very deadly Cadance-ling and some crazy pony that all I know is they're deranged but I know nothin' else.
Hmmm... It would seem that my Pledge and Turn are decent, but that I'm failing in my Prestige.

>The characters have got to have more intention. They're too dang passive.
To be fair to your friends, they were rather blind-sided by events. Are there specific ponies you're referring to?

>I figure I'd be un-passive but you got me coughin' up blood for no damn reason and Dashie will be upset if she figures it's her fault...
Ah... I see I failed to convey that you were suffering the effects of taking the poison meant for Ms. Dash, and thus were incapacitated before you knew anything was amiss. My sincere apologies. For what it's worth, when Ms. Dash figures things out her wrath will shake the firmament.
>> No. 113482
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Yep, you gotta give up this idea of 'keeping the reader guessing'. It's different in a movie or TV show, you're pickin' up constant information from the actors and you're watchin' their unconscious cues (or simulations of such) and so the story can be 'I'm real anxious!' and it's felt in a way you can't do in text.

I'm glad you left out reader comments too- I've learned to mistrust 'em much of the time. It's annoyin' to be getting some side comments from some pony who's missin' the point- or focusing on stuff that's perfectly valid but arbitrary, or not what the real problem with the story is.

Yours is that you're giving the reader no direction and nothin' specific to hope for. Without that, it's a drag. They've gotta have a clear idea of some way they want the story to go. How do they get that idea? You give it to them, directly or indirectly. It can only come from you- it's your story ;)
>> No. 113493
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Thank you again for reading and commenting on my work--your favored pony is indeed well-chosen.

Would you be willing to take a look at the next segment, once it is up?

Oh, and--though I'm certain you already know--I have asked Ukai to look it over as well. I wouldn't mention it except that that seems to be the custom around here.

At any rate, off I go for now to build part two and tweak part one.
>> No. 113495
File 134340182636.png - (77.67KB , 254x220 , Screen shot 2011-12-22 at 7_27 AM.png )
Yep, and you'll get the same casual once-over and hip-shootin' cowpony bluntness (unless some other mane cast poni wants to jump in to highlight a point). One thing about it, it stays on that 'disinterested reader' level much like you'd face tryin' to submit to EqD (or indeed if you were writin' a proper book back in the days of book publishers)
>> No. 114340
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I would like to share with you a story I've been working on while I've been writing my main work. It's something different from my usual fare and has been neglected for a time, so I feel a fresh perspective may be needed. I like the style of review you have shown, and request such for my adventure here, if it is not too much trouble.

Without further ado, here it is:

Pinkie Pie's Wonderful Flying Machine Chapter 1


Tags include Adventure, Steampunk. Shipping is still being debated on, and will not be a focal point yet anyways.

Description: Join an adventure in the skies above as the Mane Six journey past Equestria’s borders, across oceans, and into new lands of wonder and technology. Follow their journey as they learn about these frontiers, the ponies that live there, their ideas, and about themselves as they travel the world in Pinkie Pie’s Wonderful Flying Machine!

Other info is that the story takes place in Ponyville for the first two chapters before the departure, all of the Mane six are involved, and Rarity is the viewpoint character for the majority of the fic.

Hope this information is sufficient. Thank you for your time, and happy reading!
>> No. 114362
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Aw, this is a charmin' little story! It's real gentle. It ain't the slickest piece 'a wordage I ever saw, though. You got a tendency to echo words- like one sentence starts 'With a tug from her mouth' and then in the same paragraph you got 'With a smile and a bounce to her step' and it ain't similar enough to come off like poetry and ain't different enough to pass unnoticed.

You got Rarity correctly wonderin' what'll happen to the boutique while she's gone, and then right away she decides to go anyway. You got
>Something could happen, like her little sister falling overboard, or a problem with the engine or a fire!
and what that actually says is, sister fallin' overboard or a problem with the engine or a problem with a fire (because there's no comma after engine, it links 'fire' to the problem thing)

Ya got Pinkie referrin' to 'hammerspace' but it ain't a gag where we don't get it, and the thing about a gag like that is if it's part of her fourth-wall-breakin SHE can refer on purpose to any part of that, but since we don't do that stuff we're kinda obliged to not understand her. It was like we knew what she meant, and that ain't right.

This is a sweet, friendly fic an' that's nice. It's a mite sloppy, though. I can tell you're jes' jammin'- you got the one big idea, but there's nowhere too specific for it to go, so it's just hangin' out with nice ponies. That's good! Hangin' out with nice ponies is good, and you got the friendly and nice part worked out! Some never figure that out! But you're lackin' focus, and I got a sneakin' feelin' that if you wanted to set somethin' up for later, cause some reader expectation that would get rewarded or frustrated for a while, you wouldn't know how to do that, because it requires bein' a little more organized.

And why you'd want to do that? Well- I read your story and was happy to read up to the end of where you wrote, and I'm jes' as happy to stop. I don't need to know any more. You din't leave me with anything settin' my tail on fire (er, please DON'T do that, them red tie things is flammable) so I can take or leave it and don't really need to check in and see what happened.

Bein' able to make ponies go crazy and lose their minds with desperation to see how you'll continue th' story is a skill too- and it's fun and helps build your writer cred. It's just a skill you're not really learning- might want to look into that :)
>> No. 114382
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Thank you for the timely review. If permitted, I would like to ask for some details, as well as another request.

You got a tendency to echo words- like one sentence starts 'With a tug from her mouth' and then in the same paragraph you got 'With a smile and a bounce to her step' and it ain't similar enough to come off like poetry and ain't different enough to pass unnoticed.
Interesting this is brought up, as there were a few times I wondered about it, but obviously stopped thinking about it all together. I will have to speak to those who edit my other story if this is commonplace. Not that any of them worked on this story.

You gave me a lot to think about, concerning this story. I could say "there is a focus/goal/direction for this story, it just comes later", but that seems like an excuse. I hope I don't give the impression this is my first rodeo. This is just my first light hearted story. My main project is much darker, much more brutal. It is also more fast paced. I wanted a lighter story, a fun story that was slower paced and enjoyable.

I don't think I found that balance.

May I ask for suggestions? I don't want to put anything at stake in the beginning, not yet, but perhaps putting something at stake will raise more interest? A new opening paragraph, one that sparks more raised eyebrows?

Now for my request. I have written more, and am now toying the idea of merging the first chapter with the second. As a note, I have written up to four chapters of this. Anyways, if you are so inclined, I would request that you look into chapter 2, where the ship takes off. If it really doesn't do anything then, I'll leave you alone with this story.


If not, I'll accept that. Thank you for your time once again.
>> No. 114402
Still th' same sort of thing- like, Pinkie's in a special coat especially made by Rarity, Twi's covered in books, I eat an' drink only apples apparently- it's a mite heavy-hooved, is all I'm sayin'.

>Wide grins, laughter, and great cheer filled the command deck as each pony did their part to be ready for the maiden voyage.

This is a real show-don't tell thing 'cos it's so passive- the writer John Gardner, in his book 'On Becoming A Novelist', singles out EXACTLY this sort of thing as bad taste, like sayin' "his hearty, booming laugh" or "the adorable twins" or some such thing. It's seeking the label for a thing, and then using the label rather than th' thing. You are gonna have to do better than
>Wide grins, laughter, and great cheer filled the command deck as each pony did their part to be ready for the maiden voyage.

You're still settin' up possible tensions (will the CMCs stow away?) and then releasin' them the very next paragraph. It's still real friendly and nice, and I'm damned if I believe anythin' is gonna happen- or at least, if it happens, it'll be resolved in one page, tops.

If ya wrote four chapters you wrote four chapters- not 'up to four chapters', that's a phrase from another sort of thing, like saying 'you can read up to four chapters in a sitting'. Plus, sayin' "I wrote up to four chapters" makes it sound like they're ladled out like cups of flour. You shouldn't even be able to say it, to you it should be like 'I wrote the one where Twilight falls out of the airship in the middle of the night and nopony notices and she lands in a snowdrift and doesn't even wake up and has to find out where she is!'. STUFF that happens. Not 'up to four chapters'.

Keep workin' at finding that 'stuff that happens', by which I mean a chain of events. 'Pinkie's wearing a coat oh and Rarity made it special because she makes clothes all the time' ain't a chain of events.

Dang, I'm cranky. Don't mean to make it sound like you're a hopeless case. You just gotta kick off some of these automatic responses, is all...
>> No. 114591
Thanks for the response. It would appear I have some re-writing to do. And a lot of thinking to do as well if I want to continue this story.
>> No. 115241

Careful what you wish for, Rainbow--you just might get it.

[Title]: From the Mouths of Fillies
[Characters]: Dinky Doo, Ditzy Doo, Rainbow Dash
[Link]: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c-EbYZHvtDFo8CfWLDunSplPB1LqM1G5YcgCW9iIv2A/edit
>> No. 115307
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I, uh... you sure brought what I asked for! What a mega sadfic. You're giving this to Equestria Daily, right? I don't know if I'm exactly the big authority on sadfics around here, but this seems like it doesn't set a hoof wrong. The big idea of it is about as subtle as, well, ME- but all the handling is super delicate.

This is not the hardest thing to do, you know, the whole point is it doesn't go anywhere and doesn't resolve anything and it's all about the tone- but wow, I'm kind of impressed with how good the tone is. Oh, and nice job not derping the spelling or grammar!

Uh, was that in poor taste?

Oh, and excuse me? Lose at Battleclouds? Just because of not being able to think staring at that *ulp* necklace... okay, your point...

I'm kind of an awesome wuss in this. Seems like somepony is trying to salvage my reputation as an insufferable badass? Heh. I guess I'll live with it.

GO figure. I yell at Derpy in the Last Roundup, and some bronies freak out and get us to reshoot the whole scene, but you, you see right through all that, huh? It's called attitude and some things are private and nobody would ever see them, at least until YOU sneakily give it all away, thanks a lot...


Scuse me- gotta go say hi to somepony, maybe give her a hard time again about wrecking Town Hall. Laters!
>> No. 115325

It's been on Equestria Daily--I'm actually trying to polish this up in the hopes that someone will think it's Vault material. (I've recommended fics to RBDash in the past, but I'll let him find mine on his own. I don't want to come across as pretentious, and that'll give me time to fix it up a bit more anyway.)

I do feel really awful for everything that happened, so I'm putting together something new with Derpy to make it up to everyone.
>> No. 115579
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Good day, my fine ponies. I was wondering if I could perhaps I could trouble you for your thoughts and opinions on my first piece of MLP fanfiction? Though I've been writing for some time, this is my first serious attempt at a story set within this fine and rich universe. Any thoughts and critical feedback would hugely appreciated; provided, of course, that it’s no trouble for you fine ponies?

>> No. 115598
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Aw, honey, don't put disclaimers about how you don't own Hasbro. We can figure that part out...

Poor thing, gettin' line editing suggestions from a pony who can't spell 'your novel' and gets half their corrections wrong. There's lots of mistakes still in there, like usin' "complimented" for "complemented", but I won't fuss over those.

The feels of this ain't bad. The main thing ya lack is that you ain't going anywhere or meaning anything by it. Folks are already complainin' about that- they want to see Flutterpants datin' Dashie! I personally wonder if Dashie meant a lil' more than it appears- you got a possible story there, if Dash is convinced Fluttershy ain't gay, but Fluttershy leans that way now but isn't brave enough to hint about it.

Like I said, nice feels, sloppy writin' but prob'ly better'n average, what you gotta do is figure out what you want. Since you don't need anything from the story it don't ask anything from the reader so it ain't exactly filling or satisfying. It's a lil' fiction snack, tasty but not fattenin' :)
>> No. 115605
File 134462466649.png - (183.58KB , 1000x758 , 150813 - artist-DraikJack Crackle Crackle_is_the_best_pony.png )



- Translation -

Thank you for your honest feedback my dear pony, truly I appreciate it. I intended for it be light read, as I didn't feel comfortable enough to throw myself into anything deeper. For the most part I was testing the waters.

However, I am curious in regards to you comments about "sloppin' written" would you care expand on that? Is it simply a case of lingering problems with the grammar and punctuation, or is there something at the core of my style that you feel could be tighter?

Many thanks.
>> No. 115614
File 134462943699.png - (158.02KB , 784x1018 , lyra_heartstrings_by_90sigma-d50axm6.png )
Yo! I finally finished this damned fanfic! So, off I go!

Title: Before the Dawn
Author: Figments
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Dark (Maybe?), Adventure (Still kinda iffy)

Synopsis: Plagued by visions of a mysterious figure, Twilight sets out to find a creature that calls itself Iliad. Yet after one of her friends is taken by the very being, the Elements are in for their greatest challenge yet. Can Twilight solve the riddle of her dreams, or will she be forced to confront the biggest decision that she never wanted to make?


Requiem: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yP7df1jrmYRaJsPgh-x973tU1EvPJrL6sMpgIiti-pI/edit

Comments 'n' stuffs: I've been really unsure whether or not I should start the story a few days prior to this one, to kind of set it up a bit. An input on this is really appreciated.

PS> This is also in the Training Grounds
>> No. 115635
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Okay, I'm going to drop the Crackle character for a moment (but I shall keep the picture, because he is awesome). To the one person that might have found that amusing, sorry.

Anyway, as I was reading through the fic I spotted a few things here and there that definitely could have been tighter, I repeat myself too much at points, repeat words with too much frequency, and there are a few passages that could do with a little more... movement. Is that what you meant by sloppy? If that's is the case, then allow me to offer you a reason.

As I said, I’m just starting to get back into fictional writing after a long hiatus (real life must take priority sometimes... often) I’m trying to get back into the loop, which I think one of the reasons why I decided to take a stab at writing a fic like this. Given the nature of the show and its protagonists I felt it would be an interesting challenge, at the very least it would be something out of my comfort zone, and something to get me back into the swing of things. Hopefully my next effort will be better.

Again, I’d like to extend a thank you for your time and for running a critical eye over the piece. I’ve started penning the squeal, so I’ll most certainly keep this thread in mind, provided that is fine with you. If you have any further thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

P.S. As for the disclaimer, that's just a habit, one I clearly need to amend.
>> No. 115908
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Oh gosh. I wrote up a whole review and the site ate it. Um... Applejack thinks I was a little harsh in it, so I'll just summarize by saying that I felt it was weird. Rereading stuff is never tedious, I don't go around acting like I have to placate Spike, and it feels like I was dumber than I'm supposed to be. On the whole it feels like s slasher film- maybe then it's coming out correctly, then? Or correctly for turning me into soon-to-be-dead-pony?
>> No. 115935
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Hm. All right. Sorry for the late reply, Applejinx. I had some things that I needed to take care of elsewhere.

The thing about it being tedious, it seems like I was using it incorrectly. I wanted it to be that she studied it more closely than any other book because she, at the start of the nightmares, never let it out of her sight.

What I don't get is when you pointed out that Twilight was 'dumber that she was supposed to be.' It's ... I don't know. I just don't see it, nor do I even know how to go about fixing it. I just rewatched Lesson Zero and the time travel episode, both of which features the side of Twilight that I need, and yet I can't even pick anything out of that.

Heh. Must be the morning getting to me. Anyway, thanks for the review!
>> No. 116162
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Hello again Applejinx! I'm back, this time with the first of several chapters of another Derpy-centric story.

[Title]: What's in a Name, Month 1 - or, Unexpected Arrivals
[Characters]: Ditzy Doo, Rainbow Dash (tangential: Pinkie Pie)
[Link]: https://docs.google.com/document/d/19wjKKDb65BdK2f94fBYVl4kZEYo4BN1aejoFFSZOLn4/edit

One quick thing--there's a comment leftover from a previous review where my coauthor and I disagreed with the reviewer, but acknowledged that another opinion was needed. I'd appreciate your two bits when you find it. (It's the only comment on the doc, so no fear of confusion.)

Thank you!

>> No. 116228
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So, hey! Everypony else slept in except Applejack of course and she's workin' so I thought I'd look over your fic!

Uh, I think Twilight could tell you that I CAN'T tell if a pony is being honest with me, and that's kinda because I'm real impulsive and not really paying attention to more than my own thoughts and feelings. And not exactly patient- so right away I feel kind of whitewashed. I mean, that's cool and all, thanks for the help with my reputation- it just makes me wonder when almost the first thing I do is act shy and retiring and considerate of the feelings of others. Am I on valiums?

I like the ice-cloud! Gotta make one of those. Maybe it can rain icecubes when I kick it!

Derpy doesn't sound like she does in the show. Her lines are full of details like 'ack-chu-ally' and 'a bit of a' and 'not nearly that' like she's Rarity. What's up with that?

Whoa, Derpy's pregnant? Feels like the story shifted gears and started gettin' good when that got revealed. I still don't recognize her at all, though- just saying! She can be a reinvention. I mean, you're calling her Ditzy all this time even though I CLEARLY used her real name when she went on the show before they made us reshoot the stupid scene and... never mind.

I don't think you write edgy stuff good, but I don't think you're trying to so it's okay. It makes me real soft and it makes Derpy freaking Gandhi, maybe because you're scared of her looking dumb.

Oh, hey, she's Derpy to Cloudkicker! Who's more like me than me- yeah, it seems to me you gotta be very confident and very sure of your own values to write heroines who are obnoxious but lovable lilttle jerkflanks. I'm definitely miss enlightened caring dash. A little of that goes a long way, but you've got it set up that I better continue it...

Since you are pretty much demanding feedback on the parens thing, I gotta say- gag ain't worth the weirdness of the technique. Nobody puts parens into narration THAT way. And it's not because of the paren, either- I've seen that done- it's because it's like the narrator is making a pun. You depend on a narrator to calmly explain the story. For him to say 'shock, get it? remember, she got a lightning zap? funny, right?' is weirder than him throwing parentheses (which could otherwise seem reasonable).

See there? A little extra explaining thought, you can get away with those maybe. Dropping into parens for (both of them) is an aside, it's personal, it's like a pun- all of that is totally un-narratorlike. You can't have the narrator suddenly get personal unless he's been kind of folksy from the start. There's your problem!

Argh, and you're stealing lines for Pinkie from her first scene. I hate when ponies do that! Can you please never recycle stuff that obviously? Yeah, and it's not that I don't love Pinkie, it's that she wants SO MUCH TIME and is always in the mood, and sometimes I have things to do, you know? If Pinkie wants to hang with you and you want to be flying around doing nothing much, you got problems and it's only going to work out one way. She does not get how somepony would want to be alone and just chilling.

Yeah, Pinkie's a big rerun here, and I'm being all solicitous- look, I'd be lucky to fuss that much over my OWN foal never mind somepony else's, especially when it totally doesn't show yet.

Sooooo... I liked Cloudkicker. I can live with Derpy even if I have to be the nice considerate one. But I'm kinda driving myself crazy with all the mothering instincts and compassion- I'm gonna fly off and beat up her folks just to blow off STEAM, hear what I'm saying? This is stifling! It's flattering, but I'm having a hard time buying it.

I bet there are a bunch of ponies who'd eat it right up. I also think they're not Rainbow Dash fans and don't really understand the awesome. Kinda folks who get offended at scenes that are in the real show, know what I mean? Some ponies (okay, all of them) find me cute and some just get offended at stuff. It's the ones who get offended who'd like me in this.

Uh... thanks for that, I guess?
>> No. 116240
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Yakshemash! My name a Bronius. I like you. I like thread. Is nice.

Please to be making review of fictions from perspective of most glorious pony the Rainbow Dash. (or perhaps lovely smarty pants Twilight Sparkle)
Title: The Sky Is Falling
Tags: [romance] [slice of life] [comedy]
word count: ch1: 2495 ch2: (unreleased) 4054
Synopsis: My name's Rainbow Dash. I'm Equestria's fastest pegasus, I'm the Element of Loyalty, I've saved the whole kingdom more than once, I've laughed in the face of danger, and I'm a coward. That's right, I said it. I'm a coward. I've always been sure I could do anything. Win any race, beat any opponent, complete any job. But this is something I can't outrun, outsmart, or outlast. What's causing me; the most awesome pegasus ever, so much trouble? You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Links: ch1 & 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1el3ajuL23pbfvpbX6k6xroQkniLVG9tMT6SlEQL4twc/edit

Other notes: Nothing much, other than it's about RD and Twi, and will occasionally switch between the two perspectives, but mostly focus on Rainbow being the narrator. Also, chapter two is awaiting a grammarizing in khakispony's review thread, but that's the only other place it's been posted. Other than that, have fun!
>> No. 116250
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Please to be understandin' country mare pony ain't havin' none of your rooskie bossiness! I can't tell you exactly who's gonna jump on a review, sometimes we got particular ponies grabbin' stuff about them and then sometimes it's jes' me. Happens it's jes' me this time.

This reads like a human-in-equestria first person story only pretendin' to be Rainbow and Twi. It's disconcertin', I won't lie. The thoughts these ponies have!

-I need something to slow me down
-force me to appreciate stuff
-it is cute how worked up (Twi) gets
-*brushes her mane and tail or tries to*
-'what good is being famous if' rather than wanting it ALL

-supposedly pining for attention in Canterlot
-using magic to physically close two friends' mouths
-amused by barfing on Rainbow rather than going epically regretful
-supposedly innocent but made more comfortable by nipple clamp jokes

An' how the buck does FLUTTERSHY 'win' while 'referreeing' a game of russian roulette?

The grammar's damn sloppy too- that's a real problem, trippin' over mistakes so frequently- but this thread ain't about line editing.

Listen. Rainbow doesn't go "that's right, I'm a coward". If she's on top of the world, that's the last thought to cross her mind, and when you get her insecurities goin', it doesn't seem to her like she's a coward, it seems like the rest of the world turned HORRIBLE and she's overwhelmed. I've seen her like that. It's like "what am I going to do?!?" rather than "there I go again being a coward". The FIRST thing she loses is that self-awareness your character is constantly showing, talking about herself from first person like that, going 'I always this' and 'I knew that': Rainbow's a little bit of a mystery to hersellf, doesn't like to examine herself too closely, she's runnin' from stuff or to stuff but doesn't form the ideas 'I always' or 'I usually' or 'I never' very often.

Twilight's the opposite. Even drunk, if she got sick on Dash her mind would be caught up in a total cyclone of 'I always' and 'I never' and the default 'internal monologue' out of her ought to be the opposite extreme, crazy-unicorn introspection, not jes' more 'human in Equestria' regular-guy thinkin'.

I think that's the most worryin' part, is that you're trying to write it from inside two pony heads- you'd have an easier time in third person because it'd gloss over the problems.

>I'm a coward. I've always been sure I could do anything. Win any race, beat any opponent

Dammit, Bronius.

I love Dashie on account of she is incredibly brave- because it's a big front, she's the scaredest pony you ever saw because she never thinks she can win the race or beat the opponent, and still she refuses to give in. When you get glimpses behind the mask it's touching because it's vulnerability, and we forgive how unbearable she can be while she's frontin'. The one time she really started to get confident, she turned appalling and we had to dress up as a superhero to get her back... and that pony would not have gained the things Rainbow gained through trying to rise above her fears. That pony slacked off and got lazy, terrible to see.

You can write this, and prob'ly get some fans, but there WILL be ponies kicking up a fuss because it seems out of character. They'll probably have a hard time singling out exactly what is so wrong. It's that you're writin' first person but you got some fundamental things about the characters' insides wrong, because you're kinda writing them all as you and you do not seem to be able to put yourself in the head of a neurotic ego-maniac overachiever athlete-pony or a control-freak nerdy unicorn who frets over whether folks approve of her but otherwise ain't that clued in about them.

Sorry for the rough kickin' but even in the best of circumstances first and second person bug me- and if you are fixin' to be not one but TWO mane cast ponies in your first-personing, you best understand their hearts. I ain't feelin' it.
>> No. 116315
Okay then, thanks for your thoughts!
>> No. 117102
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Hiya Applejinx! Remember that fic I kept submitting to you a few months back? Welp, the first chapter's finished (with many sweeping edits), and I was wondering if you could take another look at it for me. Again, I'm mainly worried about keeping Twilight and her thought processes IC.

Title: Glitched
Tags: [Sci-Fi][Dark]
Word Count: 8,854
Synopsis: When Twilight becomes trapped in a time loop on the week of her brother's wedding, she makes up her mind to escape, stop the changelings, and save the royal couple in the process. But as the loops go on, her mind and the minds of her friends will be driven to the brink. After all, when you’re whirling through eternity, one more step might be all that’s needed to fall into the darkness—forever.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1J5mfEGcXXGrTlOao8T2pE0BH-II_C-zoFblQBaO1ojk/edit

Note that I am ALSO submitting this to MintyRest and SLP/Garnot, just in case you wanted to know. I'm aiming to make this story (and therefore this chapter) the absolute best it can be!

Thanks again! Hugs all around!
>> No. 117112
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Hey, I never mind simultaneous submissions. I just can't promise to like everythin' so if my apples were sour that mornin' yer gettin' a kickin'!

I don't remember my last look at this except vaguely- I think I wrote most of a book between then and now. What I do notice is that this is written good an' tight. Of course, there's no end to that- for instance,
>For the calendar to say that today was the fifteenth would mean that it was actually six days earlier than what Twilight last remembered.
'six days earlier than what' is awkward. So don't squee TOO hard that I'm noddin' and smiling gen'rally.

>Twilight found herself questioning her “dream” even more doubtfully.
She'd either be questioning it more, or viewin' it more doubtfully- can't really do both at once on account of she ain't sure if she's questioning it or not, apparently. *g* watch your step!

One thing that's botherin' me, though, is that you're leaning mighty hard on simply replaying the events of the episode. I mean, maybe not all the details are the same, but it's still the same, an' that makes the fic feel like it's coasting.

At the same time as it's coasting, Twi apparently knows Cadence might really be Chrysalis, but she's taking things DAMN EASY for a smart pony who has reason to suspect that's happenin'. That's a major problem structurally. You can't simply have Twi sit back and be confused. She KNOWS.

This is makin' problems throughout. Twilight wants to hold back when it don't make no sense for her to do that, But then- the story needs them to fumble around not makin' sense, because it keeps resettin'. So it's really not going anywhere- if you had a strong direction, it would just be stopped by that.

I guess my question is this: do you have an ending? Do you know EXACTLY how all this gets fixed/solved? Because you're gonna have to foreshadow that real hard. The ending has to FEEL right. It can't be jes "And then she figured it out", we the readers have to have a sense of it too. The ponies are trapped in a meaningless loop but it can't be meaningless to US. We gotta understand a little better than they do so we can be excited when they get a clue- otherwise, we don't know when they're onto somethin'.

Does that make sense to you?

Your big challenge is that with Twi trapped in a meaningless time loop, there's no momentum, nowhere to go TO. If she's not clearheaded and jumpin' to conclusions about what's going on, it's even worse. She's got no business vaguely wondering whether there's even gonna be an invasion when she's SEEN it- she stirred up a huge commotion over nothin' in the same time-loop episode you yourself mention. No way does she just sit around and wonder. She immediately decides it's her chance to save the day and prob'ly runs straight to Celestia.

Not that Princess Celestia would automatically believe her...
>> No. 117173
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Hi AJ! Thanks again for looking at this, and for doing it so quickly too!

>What I do notice is that this is written good an' tight
Huzzah! I've been working on trying to improve my writing style, and if this means what I think it does, then I've succeeded!

>'six days earlier than what' is awkward
Thanks, by the way, for pointing out these little mistakes. I'll fix 'em ASAP.

>you're leaning mighty hard on simply replaying the events of the episode
I expected this, at least for the first chapter. Fortunately, the second—and especially the third—chapters will branch out quite a bit more. I guess there's really no avoiding this kind of thign when you're doing a time loop fic, so I'll just let this by (if that's okay).

>You can't simply have Twi sit back and be confused. She KNOWS.
I'm actually going to take some umbrage with this. My justification was that she thought it was all a dream. Now, given Twilight's highly rational and analytical nature, what's more likely—that she's been transported back in time, and must stop a huge, magical invasion by an imposter, evil princess, or that she had a nightmare during a very stressful week?

>Do you know EXACTLY how all this gets fixed/solved? Because you're gonna have to foreshadow that real hard. The ending has to FEEL right.
Ooh, yes. This, so many times over. Truth be told, this story will branch out into a real SciFi/Adventure angle once they figure out what is causing the Loops (the "Glitch.") Ultimately, it's not going to be, "and she figured it out," but something much more expansive.

>Your big challenge is that with Twi trapped in a meaningless time loop, there's no momentum, nowhere to go TO
Truth be told, this is the same for every time loop story, whether it's Groundhog Day, Best Night Ever, or (if you'll excuse reaching into other fandoms) Chuunin Exam Day. I like that you put this as a "challenge," because I like to think that I have enough stuff that isn't just pointless repetition that will make this interesting.

>She immediately decides it's her chance to save the day and prob'ly runs straight to Celestia.
Remember, Twilight originally thinks that this is a dream. The first thing she looks to as proof, then, is Cadance's imprisonment. From there, she rescues Cadance because she knows that her word isn't enough; she likely won't be believed unless she has someone else backing up her side of the story. That's all irrelevant after the second loop, anyways, as Twilight knows there's no hurry.

Thanks again for looking at this!
>> No. 117251
Hmm- all righty then, I'll tell you what you gotta do- you gotta hammer on the 'it was obviously a dream' part to the point that the reader can't be sure it's really a time loop story at all. I'm not feelin' that- it reads like it's clearly a time loop, so we tend to assume Twilight gets that message.

I think you gotta be a mite more deceptive, imply heavily with the narration that it was clearly only a dream. Maybe keep harping on it to the point that it makes you uncomfortable, get the tension from the 'seemingly ordinary day' FROM this 'gee, everything's so ordinary, I don't even remember what obviously was nothing but a crazy dream' and reinforce it with narration and be a lot more subtle with the 'Chrysalis attacks' part the first time around. I don't think Twi can even figure it out at all the first time (which probably isn't the first time). We gotta see her get totally fooled once because that's the payoff for the 'seemingly ordinary' stuff you want to use- that something happens she still doesn't understand and BAM, start over. And only then does she start forming the idea that something is happening.

Basically, she can't be just uncertain, but totally innocent to the last- and narration has to conspire with that so that the gotcha is as outta-the-blue for the reader as it is for Twi. Only then do they understand why the story has been boring and conflict-less. They learn with Twi that all is not as it seems. We need to LIVE IN the boring ordinary day with Twi, not watch her do it while fretting over the time-loop.

At least that's what I figure- and yeah, you tightened it up, good work! Now that you know how, keep it up- always go back over your work fixin' stuff.
>> No. 117720
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Oh, and a totally late thought, since you totally asked fair and square:
>I'm actually going to take some umbrage with this. My justification was that she thought it was all a dream. Now, given Twilight's highly rational and analytical nature, what's more likely—that she's been transported back in time, and must stop a huge, magical invasion by an imposter, evil princess, or that she had a nightmare during a very stressful week?
*snrk* you're kidding, right?
>> No. 117721
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>> No. 117780
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Not sure if review, or just RP.
>> No. 117789
I believe it's a little bit of both.
One of these days I gotta make a fic for you to review, Applejinx.
>> No. 117818
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I b'leeve that lil' exchange was just to illustrate how easy (and funny) it was to believe that Twilight could jump to such conclusions from a standin' start with no warm-up. This IS th' pony who thought she would be put in jail 'cos she was late with a letter. So Rainbow teased her ruthlessly for it, and poor Twi seems not amused in the slightest because it strikes a bit too close to home and she would LIKE to believe herself that rational intellectual pony immune to silly ideas but she totally ain't.

Done usin' largely expressions and reactions used by Rainbow and Twi in the real show- in the hopes that if you 'feel' that lil' exchange it'll make it realer to you that Twi's been frontin' just a mite...
>> No. 118475
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Sweet blueberry muffins. Celestia and Luna's horns. This is one AMAAAZING thread. It brings to mind the cultures where different people channel the spirit of a god by acting out that deity's will. @[email protected]

I really, really need to write a mane-six oriented fanfic so ya'll can review it. <3
>> No. 119994
Hi Applejinx and other thread bronies and pegasisters. I have a story that needs to be reviewed, but there's a catch. Actually a few catches.... All the main characters are Original Characters. There is no main six involvement. The only mane cast member, is Celestia and she's a version that is 1000 years younger because the story takes place right after the Nightmare Moon incident (which in my fic is actually a full out war). Since Celestia does have quite a bit of interaction in the beginning chapters, I really need a characterization review of my OCs in general and Celestia, but given that I have no main 6, can I post in this thread?
>> No. 119998
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Uhhh... maybe? That's mighty close to not having any cast poni in th' story at all.

I guess we'll see how it goes? Might not work for us. Twilight will probably do it, she knows the Princess best. Might be a damn tough critic, though.
>> No. 120105
Good. I want to get bashed around by a tough critique. I'll submit once I finish some revisions (it isn't complete yet, but I like to regularly check)
>> No. 120106
And thanks!!!!
>> No. 121422
Title: Pegazo Lamia

Tags: Dark and Adventure (mostly)


Monsters, they're not real right? Well they are, but that's not a very widely known fact. They have stayed hidden for a long time. Until that day. She crashed, straight into the Everfree. She got the 'Blessing' the mother called it. But that doesn't mean Rainbow Dash thought so. Because she was the one, the one to be 'infected', giving her advantages, but it made her something else.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/44159/Pegazo-Lamia

I feel weird... I really do, I have no idea why though...
>> No. 122049
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Please repost in the newer thread that isn't autosaged :)

>> No. 123989
Hi Applejinx! HellRyden here, or you can just call me Ryden if it makes it simpler ^^
I have a fic that I'm working on right now that I'm trying to raise to the standards of something worthy of EqD while still keeping to the essence of what I want to write, and I'm going around trying to get as many different opinions as possible so I can improve on it as much as I can.
Said fic is probably going to be the first, if not one of the very few, of its kind - its going to be a massive multi-crossover with pop culture references from other media sources being thrown in left and right. Even if said references aren't understood, I aim to work them into the dialogue so that they would pass off as either part of it, or be something so extremely funny that it'd be an absolute gem of a line. This fic is gonna be a written epic trilogy spanning three books, and I'm already almost halfway through book one.
Essentially, the summary of Book One goes as follows:
The Elements of Harmony are known to many as the most powerful form of magic known to Equestria. Together, their combined might has cleansed deities as powerful as Nightmare Moon of the evil that plagued her, and has imprisoned forces as insidious as Discord, the embodiment of Chaos itself.
So when news of six mysterious strangers, evidently not of this world, arrives in a letter from the Princess, with rumors abound that they are searching for the Bearers of the Elements, Twilight Sparkle is rather concerned, and more than a little suspicious, of their intentions for the Elements of Harmony, fearing that they might be plotting to either destroy them, or somehow steal its power for some unknown, nefarious purpose...
Except that they're not plotting the theft, or destruction, of the Elements.
They're plotting a succession - a succession of power UNTO the Bearers of the Elements.
Powers the likes of which ponykind has never witnessed - and power which may upset the balance of magic in Equestria forever...
Book One of Three of the Codex: Equestria, and the first part of an epic trilogy that will shake the very foundations of Equestria as we know it.
I submitted this fic before to EqD, but I was told that I had to work on several elements before they could accept it. I've been trying to revamp those elements, but I'm not sure whether or not I did it right... Also, I'm aware the events of Chapter 1 need to be completely revamped, but I just wanna get your opinion on it first, on how I should change it up.
That said, the entire essence of this fic is simply "Mane 6 gain superpowers and become Equestria's mightiest defenders", heh.
Please let me know what you think of the whole thing so far!
>> No. 123990

>> No. 124003
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I'm more shocked at how this post managed to break autosage. Which I am blatantly assuming to be the case.
>> No. 124013
Bump limit is now 800 posts. >>/meta/131336
>> No. 126073
i want more ponys!!
>> No. 127386
I am look for someone to maybe do a quick read of what I have so far for my fic. I'm still writing it, so if you like it, expect more. It's about a guy who is sucked into Equestria and soon falls into a predicament. The mane pony for this fic is Applejack.

>> No. 128557

Twilight is your best match for this style o' writin', but Applejack is your secret weapon. Twi already thinks an' acts a lot like your style, gettin' caught up in details, but you need to enlist Applejack's aid so that, rather than the unwillin' victim of all th' time shenanigans and baffled by all them confused ponies, SHE has a clear idea of what she must do, she wants to do it, th' reader knows specifically what she wants to do and why, an' then she charges off determined to do it- only to run straight into an Adams/Vonnegut book where everypony is friendly and confused and not quite right.

I just might steal that idea.

Last edited at Wed, Sep 25th, 2013 16:44

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