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90477 No. 90477
#Reviewer #Training Grounds
Greetings all, and welcome to the Training Grounds, the review thread for all authors, reviewers, proofreaders, and editors, both newcomer and seasoned veteran alike. It isn’t the only such thread, but it’s usually the busiest!

How to submit a fic/find your review: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsHowTo
TL/DR of above guide: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsTLDR
The Training Grounds Queue: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsQueue
The submission form: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsSubmit
Live chat on IRC: http://derpy.me/ttgirc (or #ttg on irc.canternet.org)
Previous edition of The Training Grounds: >>87698 The sticky (contains important information): >>43232

Some Notes
Do jump in and participate if you can. New reviewers, editors and authors are always welcome!
No one is infallible. If something doesn’t seem right, ask about it! Whether it be about a review you’ve received, a fanfic submitted, or something about the queue spreadsheet, the best way to solve it is through communication.
If you think you’ve been missed: please remind us with a link to your original post.
Feel free to ask questions about fanfics and writing them!
If you respond to a post: please link to the post you are responding to.
Reviewers: the writers want their work to shine. Highlight faults with gusto. Don’t fear compliments either: if something makes you smile, a few kind words won’t ruin your review.
Writers: the reviewers love to read, but will often lean towards being critical. Don’t allow it to discourage you; use their criticism to improve your writing! See “Receiving Critique: Gallant” in The Editor’s Omnibus (http://bit.ly/w2Vuyp) and the Submission Etiquette Guide (http://bit.ly/vipO7F).

Helpful Documentation
Sithicus Helpicus: Several takes on the same paragraph of text by multiple authors. http://bit.ly/ovOXpn
CerealVelocity's Writing Guides: These focus on spelling, grammar and punctuation. http://bit.ly/pP8OzY
Escher's Hints: A general purpose improvement guide. http://bit.ly/o8voUF
The Review Board: Check this document for the latest list of reviewers and threads. http://bit.ly/rtOSx7
The Editor’s Omnibus: Writing wisdom, wrung from the willing, wrought with wit and worry: http://bit.ly/u6aY7T
Townson University’s Online Writing Support: illustrated assistance in most aspects of grammar, syntax and punctuation: http://www.towson.edu/ows/index.htm

How to request to be a queue maintainer:
Note: you don’t have to be a maintainer to help out reviewing in this thread. What maintainers do is update and maintain the queue spreadsheet. If you review in The Training Grounds on a regular basis, and would like to help out maintaining the queue:
1) Read / bookmark this document: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsQueueProcess
2) Email a maintainer (addresses in the “Reviewers / Maintainers” sheet). Say something random in the email, then post the same thing (verbatim) in this thread, preferably identifying yourself with a tripcode.
3) When you’ve been given editing permissions, you may delete your random post.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 90481
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Thread update: Who Needs Oil? edition

TTG Statistics (10/15/2011-3/11/2012):
Completed: 581
Approx Reviews/Day: 4
Most Reviews by a Single Reviewer: Vanner (40 on record)

Current Statistics (3/11/2012):
Require Acknowledgement: 9
Currently in Progress: 14
Unclaimed: 28

Reviews that Require Acknowledgement:

StarmanTheta | 2/28/2012 | 1/23/2012 | Musical Shorts | Lucefudu | >>79657
ReviewerInTraining | 3/5/2012 | 1/31/2012 | The Three Souls | Athlon2736 | >>81058
Grif | 2/25/2012 | 2/11/2012 | A Star's Golden Chance | The Zephyr | >>83578
Sparky | 3/5/2012 | 2/16/2012 | Azurite Dawn | Tandyman100 | >>84726
Eustatian | 3/5/2012 | 2/19/2012 | Contact: Apple Harvest | Ty500600 | >>85571
Pascoite | 2/26/2012 | | 2/25/2012 | Bones, Diamonds, and Time. | Noclipper | >>86966
Simon o'Sullivan | 2/26/2012 | 2/26/2012 | The Manly Man Way | GWFan | No TTG Post
Ion-Sturm | 3/6/2012 | 3/5/2012 | protectorate | hobrohazard | >>88930
Halcyon | 3/10/2012 | >>90136 | 2/27/2012 | Resolution | I_Post_Ponies | >>87450

Reviews Currently in Progress:

TimeForKronos | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
Bidoof | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendships is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
CheeseDeluxe| | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
Josh Meihaus | | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
Seattle_Lite | | | 2/12/2012 | From Canterlot with Love | Sagebrush | >>83644
Exarona | | | 2/16/2012 | My Choices: Twisted Tales Through Time | Koolerkid | >>84836
brokenimage321| | | 2/26/2012 | A New Mare | Charcoal Quill | >>87199
TheGreatandPowerful!Trixie| | | 2/28/2012 | The Fixers | Kyrie Illumina | >>87702
Ezn | | | 2/29/2012 | Icarus | Tamar | >>89836
Eustatian | | | 3/02/2012 | Under Every Lamppost | SwiperTheFox | >>88460
Filler | | | 3/05/2012 | What the Future Holds | OmniscientTurtle | >>89030
Pascoite | | |3/9/2012 | Fluttershy’s Shadow: Chapter One - A Doubt Of A Shadow - Part One | Broken Logic | >>84691
Arcanus Brighthorn | | | 3/10/2012 | Who am I...? | Connor the Brony | >>64691

Unclaimed Stories:

| | | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
| | | | 2/20/2012 | The Carnival of Chaos Chapter 2 | Dext | >>85808
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Termina's Final Twilight | Foursword4 | >>86531
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Birthright | Netaro | >>86544
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Spirits of Harmony Rewrite, Chapter I | Stormchaser | >>86575
| | | | 2/24/2012 | Kindle the Bonfire | sirhim11 | >>86730
| | | | 2/27/2012 | Redemption of the Fireheart | Your Antagonist (VegaKS03) | >>87358
| | | | 2/27/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>87471
| | | | 2/29/2012 | Out of Context | Nuke_Equestria | >>87788
| | | | 2/29/2012 | The Pony Scrolls: Nightfall | Storywrite | >>88009
| | | | 3/01/2012 | Millennium Eclipse | Lucky Stampede | >>88110
| | | | 3/02/2012 | The Conversion Bureau : The Untold Story | Shader | >>87789
| | | | 3/02/2012 | Silence is Bittersweet | Truehearted | >>88378
| | | | 3/03/2012 | Finding The Answers | Nesstrodamus | >>88489
| | | | 3/03/2012 | Pinkie Pie's Wonderful Flying Machine | OmegaPony11 | >>88537
| | | | 3/3/2012 | My Little Pony: The Glowmelon Mystery | Legendary Emerald | >>88533
| | | | 3/04/2012 | Fluttershy's Little Secret | Masem | >>88694
| | | | 3/04/2012 | Dear Princess Celestia, | brokenimage321 | >>88753
| | | | 3/05/2012 | Spitfire Meets Twilight | Dracoliat | >>88858
| | | | 3/06/2012 | Word of Malice | Twisted Night | >>89179
| | | | 3/06/2012 | Redstreak Jack: Orchards of Time | Impossible Numbers | >>89180
| | | | 3/06/2012 | The Profits of War | Present Perfect | >>89259
| | | | 3/06/2012 | I Don't Hurt Anymore | Ciero989 | >>89390
| | | | 3/07/2012 | As of yet Untitled Luna X Celestia | Rex Ivan | >>89423
| | | | 3/07/2012 | Resonance of Chaos | Broznik | >>89064
| | | | 3/9/2012 | Fall of the First Lunar Republic | Bpendragon | >>90143
| | | | 3/10/2012 | Javelin | McPoodle | >>88583
| | | | 3/10/2012 | Banishment Decree | Chuckfinley | >>90080
| | | | 3/22/2012 | Equestria's First Human | Ceehoff | >>90437

Please point out any errors if you find them.
>> No. 90484
Since the queue is getting larger than ever, I think it's about time to share some INSIDER REVIEWER REGULAR TIPS on how to get your story picked up quickly, and not have to languish like some of the other fics.

1) Submit in chunks.

10k~15k words is the upper limit of my interest as a reviewer. In addition, many TTG regulars don't review stories over certain wordcounts.

2) Proofread your synopsis

Nothing makes me drop a prospective fic from the reviewing list than a misspelling/grammatical error in the synopsis. Remember: A story deserves your attention first.

3) Use appropriate tags

Above all, don't put too many tags on a story. Some reviewers won't review certain subjects, and incorrectly tagging the story ([shipping] and [comedy] being the most egregious examples) can quickly earn a reviewer's ire.

4) Ask for an (active) Reviewer

Look for a reviewer who doesn't have any claims and ask them to review your story. Most times, they will pick up your story (if it isn't a type of story they dislike).
>> No. 90485
I highly recommend >>87788 for any hard science fiction fans. <.< >.>
>> No. 90497
Is there an easy way to see how many reviews have been done by someone? I'm curious as to how many I've done. Thanks.
>> No. 90499
Use the queue spreadsheet. Old threads are under archived reviews, which sort by reviewer.
>> No. 90503
Tags: [Crossover] [Grimdark] [Human in Equestria]

Synopsis: ODSTs are trained to handle any situation. Get any better, and they become spartans. However, no trooper is truly perfect. Garrett Archer gets more than what he bargained for after following an order to go back to Earth. He finds himself crashing in flames and waking up in Equestria, only to be introduced to more problems that add to the weight of the Human-Covenant war. Some see him as a monster, a friend, and the last piece of the puzzle.

Part 6: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vdfm4-w8vAxDOx7fN0xVaGZqce2nV9zSb3spdVMl5fE/edit

Comments: I would prefer to have my review in-doc. English is not my primary language, so please be patient with me. I'm willing to learn and develop myself. I'm determined to get this somewhere.
>> No. 90539

Thanks a bunch for the review! I had a suspicion I needed to elaborate on several things, I just wasn't sure what. I had no idea I was so redundant, so I'll need to cut that out. I was wondering, though, if I could pick your brain on a couple things.

The story catalyst (the light in the alley) is a blatant plot device, and I wrote it in as such (didn't try to smooth it over or anything). I was attempting something akin to plot device in the movie "Groundhog Day". It's never explained why Bill Murray is stuck in the same day and never explicitly states how he got out of it. My reasoning is that the light is insignificant except as a catalyst and shouldn't be examined beyond the scene it is in. Looking at it from that point of view, do you think it's okay to leave it in the story as such? I know the paragraph I introduce it in is atrocious, so I'll certainly fix that.

Wild certainly has Gary Stu tendencies, but you also said he has no glaring flaws as a character. I would argue that, in fact, he has a tragic flaw which directly leads to his death. He feels because of his unique situation he's completely alone and makes no effort to allow others in, and actually ends up pushing everyone else away.
However, it is my responsibility as a writer to make sure the reader can pick up on the ideas I want to perpetuate, so I'll work on tweaking the character.

You seemed to have reacted adversely to the idea of migration to other planets. I figured that if you consider technology in Equestria to be slightly behind that of Earth's currently and give ponies a similar rate of growth/development, it's reasonable to assume they will have conquered space travel after 7000 years. Do you think this is something I should state more explicitly in the story?
>> No. 90549
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My pleasure to review the story.

As for the "light," I understand what you mean as to its relation to "Groundhog Day," but the way it was introduced made me think that it was going to play a greater role in the story than it did. If you can find a way to tie in that light somewhere near the end to sate the reader's curiosity (it can even bit a sort of minutia), then it should be fine. It doesn't have to be that important in terms of how it affects the plot as a whole, but I would think that it shouldn't go totally unexplained.

I understand that Wild was pushing away his friends in a self-sacrificial manner, but he seems so...happy to do so. It doesn't come across as particularly valiant because he's approaching Gary Stu status and it would almost be expected of such a character to be so selfless. But he's definitely a charismatic guy, no doubt, unlike most other "(bordering) flawless" sorts of characters.

I guess that it just seemed out of place because a) the Ponyville depicted in the show isn't particularly advanced and b) the lead-up to such technological progress didn't seem to be that blatant. I know you mentioned that the setting was several millennia into the future, but without any mention of advancement in society before the "save civilization" bit, it felt almost out of place.

I'm glad to see you take a proactive approach with the story; you'll be on EqD soon enough, I think.
>> No. 90551
This chapter was much better. Your style was smoother, was word choice was vastly improved (and less irritating), and I found this to be genuinely enjoyable. That said, you were clumsy with your word order, with your commas, and occasionally, with your dialogue. In any case, there's no real need for me to post my rant here, I went line by line for the whole thing, so feel free to check the google doc (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1frfSMgT4_6BZ_mKnJbFZ7pIOEbMEJiduge4Ch_H6lKs/edit?pli=1#)
>> No. 90552
P.S. I saw that you made a bunch of the corrections from the beginning of my review already. Good choice!
>> No. 90553
Thank you. I'm glad you find this enjoyable. I do have one final question: this story is a part of TVTropes' JustForFun de-fictionalization of the Daring Do tropes that they compiled (I lost a bet, and had to write a story based on one of the books). In keeping to Daring's homage to Indiana Jones, they have decided to appropriate Indy's anthropology to equinology. As you've noted it should really be archaeology and that would be my choice as well. My idea is to add something, say, a mock dedication at the beginning of the story to indicate this. Something to the effect of "with apologies to everypony who thinks that Daring should be an archaeologist. Do you think that will work?
>> No. 90558

Oh, shit, I probably should have mentioned this, but I've PM'd Lucefudu and he's acknowledged the reviews I've sent him.
>> No. 90564
Fear of Falling
9,000 words

Request: Swiper

fall·ing -- downward motion according to natural forces, especially when sudden, unexpected, or without control; degradation of quality, moral character, or order; loss of cohesion, integrity, strength, or status; becoming asleep, ill, or infatuated; attaining a fated, proper, or rightful condition; the descent of snow, rain, etc.

tags: (memory and desire)



This is my first submission following a major re-write, and my first attempt at non-chronological storytelling, so ignore the revision number and treat this as a first draft. I especially need to know where I lose your interest or understanding.
I'm aiming to tighten up conceptual things like pacing and characterization at this point, and perhaps lose some of the length. I haven't policed my commas 100% yet, but I think you'll find my mechanics reasonably clean.

Also, I like to argue speak with folks after a review. Do not feel obliged to justify your opinion or suggest improvements. "This sentence sounds stupid" is extremely helpful to me, and if I don't understand why you don't understand something, I'll not be too shy to ask.

I'm submitting to both Nietzsche and Swiper because I haven't worked with either of you yet and would love to get to know you both. If either of you are concerned about duplicating work, say the word.
>> No. 90567
That's a good question... In this case, your "dedication" would come out looking like an author's note. I would just right it in somewhere. Maybe Daring has a degree in anthropology (equinology) and she teaches a few classes in that field, but her true passion is archaeology. I honestly don't know though, as I'm not familiar with the group for whom you're writing.
>> No. 90568
I just realized I will run out of End of Ponies and thus ponyfic tomorrow unless I take action now. So, claiming

>>86544 Birthright
>>86575 Spirits of Harmony (your word count can't possibly be right. 13 pages is ~5k)

I'll also read Kindle but no guarantees on reviewing it, so no claim yet.

Tomorrow, Swiper's write-up and whatever else I find time for.
>> No. 90570
I made a homynom error and I am now obligated to honorably disembowl myself.
>> No. 90571
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Before you do so, correct your spelling. "Homonym."

>Filler | | | 3/05/2012 | What the Future Holds | OmniscientTurtle | >>89030
Sorry, but I'm (kind of) relinquishing this. I do intend to get to it if no one else does, but my doing so may not be entirely possible in the next two weeks. My apologies for disappointing you.
>> No. 90589
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I'll go ahead and look through it.

Oh, take your time with that one story (the doo-wop group story). I should have mentioned that it's currently being looked at as well by another reviewer. I think it's Trots McClure. I think.
>> No. 90598
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Okay, so 3:30 am means sleeptime.

I went through page one, and I'll keep going but... Holy Cheese and Crackers: This is longer than I thought at first, given the word count. This might take a long while.

>It occurs to me that I'm like the
>> No. 90599
Wait... there's got to be an "exploded twice" joke in here somewhere... AH!

>What if he honorably disembowled himself... and then honorably disembowled himself again?

If anyone needs me, I'll be honorably disembowling myself twice. (Seriously though, homynom? Try pronouncing that... Haw-min-om. Now if you add more oms, you get Haw-min-om-om-om-om. Now if you say it really fast so that the vowel sound drops out, you get: Hawm-nom-om-om-om and it sounds like the cookie monster)
>> No. 90605
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Aaaand this is the moment when everyone runs off, screaming. XD Tried a hole-in-one with this fic, but unfortunately it didn't quite work out. Major gratefulness-ness-ness in advance!

Title: Lovebirds
Author: Zay-el
Tags: [comedy][shipping]
Synopsis: When a nefarious nightly stalker threatens the sleep of Ponyville's studious librarian, it's up to her evening assistant to put an end to this horrid crime and bring the perpetrator to justice. Failure is not an option.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nBuFVhWYD8on_3vaAn6uPHheCesZI3JltS9F_vXB9mY/edit?hl=en_US (it's up on FF.net and FIMfiction as well, but I'd rather give this link, to make it easier)

And here's what I got from EqD:
"this has good and bad parts. I liked it up through the chase through the woods that ends with philomena giving him a playful peck. The role of a n indignant scholar fits well with Owly. I was kinda surprised it didn't end there, actually, and the farther I read the more I felt myself skimming.

That first section was a cute little oneshot that had me smiling. Everything afterwards felt like it was dragging on. The prose is a little purpley, but it helps lend itself to the absurdity of the fic. 8k words in though, it begins to work against itself when it becomes clear that the fic IS taking itself seriously.

It was really quite average, overall. Minor comma abuse and purple sections, but nothing major. Didn't really impress me enough to pass, and the strongest reason I can say to improve would be the tone. The idea is absurd and that makes it adorable, but if the fic goes on too long without gripping events then people lose interest in adorableness. Well, I do anyway."
>> No. 90606
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Title: Forever Classic

Tags: [Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Diamond Tiara is getting to be too bratty even for Filthy Rich, so he takes his daughter to a Canterlot opera performance to show her the refined ways of the elite.

Length: Approximately 6800 words.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14919/Forever-Classic

Chapters to Review: Chapters 1-4

Comment/Request: The usual, as Rarity would say.

I want to know if the characterization is interesting (and convincing), if the plotting feels right, if the pace is nice and easy, and if the punctuation, grammar, spelling, and style are all A-OK. As it's incomplete, I don't need a particularly in-depth review. I just want an indicator that I'm on the right track.
>> No. 90655
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If you don't mind a bit of a wait, or a gradual chapter-by-chapter review, I'll claim this. Be sure to get back to me on this one. To other reviewers: until the author gets back to me, consider this up for grabs.
>> No. 90657
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Hey, again! Thought you were taking a break from all this reviewing business?

Sure, help yourself. However you want to do it, I won't mind. I'm in no hurry. The ending is still being worked out anyway, so there might not be any extra chapters for a while.
>> No. 90660
Sweet, thanks! I was going to take a break, but then I realized I could just review in what little freetime I have now, and after Tuesday, what major freetime I'll have then.
>> No. 90686
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Its alright. Thank you for letting me know. In regards to that, though, is it possible to remove your name from the reviewers queue? Either way, I think I'll repost my submission in this thread just to make sure somebody gets to it.

I'm not really sure about the list of active reviewers, but I'd really just like some feedback on it soon.

Here's a link to the original post: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/87698.html#89030
It is still in the spreadsheet.

Everything's the same, except I'd like to add one more chapter: http://www.fimfiction.net/chapter/46124

This bumps the total word count to 12,914 (I really hope that doesn't turn anybody off.)

I wasn't sure if I should do a complete resubmission or just add on to what I already had. Sorry if this is inconvenient in any way. Also, I do not have any of the chapters on GDocs, but if that would make it easier for whoever reviews it, I will definitely do that.
>> No. 90707
Tags: [Shipping][Cross-over][Adventure]

Synopsis: Lyra, plagued by strange visions of a mysterious creature, calls into question her relationship, career and entire life. Determined to make things right she sets out on an adventure to find the source of the disruptions.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FFu9IeTxh306Xwkc42YQ41jmxHWbDyjP06rZS4hd4zg/edit
>> No. 90710
WHY DID I MISS THIS ONE oh well, fuck that, post here anyway.

Regina et Equi Nox - chapters 1...
...and 2.

There's also the FiMF page at http://www.fimfiction.net/story/9782/Regina-et-Equi-Nox, but since gdox updating is much smoother and I'm in the middle of an intense rewriting phase right now, FiMF isn't ging to get updated until I feel like I have a reasonably sized batch, so to speak. Now, THE STORY:

[Adventure][Crossover][MagicXScience][Human][HIE][POE][Luna gets into lots of trouble]

SYNOPSIS: Luna suffers terrible recurring nightmares that deprive her of her sleep, leading her to an intake of sugar and caffeine rivaling that of Pinkie Pie. In an attempt to solve this problem (and save the court from her sister's sugar high-induced madness), Celestia uses magic from a mysterious document found in the palace centuries ago. Things do not go as planned.

On 17th century earth, Kristina Vasa, princess of Sweden, is experiencing terrible nightmare that cause her terrible sleep-deprivation and, accordingly, extreme annoyance. In an attempt to stave them off, she swallows her pride and takes a consulting session with her lady-in-waiting (and bonafide American social servant) Duchess Caroline Platzer. Things do not go as planned.

The two princesses are, in a strange manner of dimension-directional mischief, swapped. Needless to say, if you thought the 30 Years War couldn't get any more complicated than if you add a 20th century West Virginian town full of hillbillies and shotguns to it, you were very wrong.

SPECIAL/ABOUT: This is a crossover with Eric Flint's 1632 series. Hijinks is a core mechanic, and I will attempt to deliver.

Present rewrite bumps the wordcount up just above 10k words on the first 2 chapters, I believe.
Again, this is postage in the middle of lots of rewriting, but if you're in the mood, do read and comment over @ gdox. Every little bit helps (except for maybe the parts I've already fixed, but that's that).

>> No. 90749
>>90118 >>90092 >>90077
Just so you know, I'm starting on this now. I won't get very far tonight, but will go at it with gusto tomorrow.
>> No. 90750
Um... I need comments enabled.
>> No. 90758
Forgot to mention my fic ( >>90143 ) is ~3500 words, if that helps at all.
>> No. 90771
Dropping Birthright

By now, he knew perfectly how to hit her as to not draw any blood and not leave any marks he'd have problems explaining.

Yeah... while you're nowhere near breaking pchan rules (in my not-mod opinion), I have issues with casual domestic violence like that. Sorry.

>>86730 Kindle the Bonfire
I found myself shouting at my tablet (Good shouting. Very constructive.) today, so I'll write this one up. Preview: Lawrence needs to man up.


Last week I found a cafe that serves carrot shakes, and thinking that sounded like something Pinkie might drink, I ordered one. But before I explain what that has to do with your story, I need to gush over what I like and get that out of the way.

I love your characters and their diction. They seem ready to jump off the page in a way that many fic-writers can't even make canon characters do. I can't comment on the plot since you've just begun to set the stage, but I'm not bored and the misadventures that have conspired to throw them together so far have been interesting and fun. I am, in a word, appetized (even if that's not a word) and think you need to keep writing.

The setting flows naturally from the characters, and I love it, but here's the problem: that carrot shake had more pony gestalt in it than the whole of your economically-depressed, not-sure-what-to-do-with-our-lives, get-fired-for-talking hard-luck world. It's the perfect incubator for a band of musicians, but I'm not sure it's all that pony.

There are at least four options.

1- ignore and keep witing. Every other element is strong enough, I think you can get away without the setting being canon-flavored crazy-pastel-ponies-with-hearts-of-gold.

2- re-set it in, I dunno, Bucklyn, or some bigger city that isn't as nice as Ponyville (and actually has numbered streets and more than the occasional lamppost). Make 'em all OCs / Expies.

3- change back stories so they fit the milieu of Ponyville. This would require significant retooling of Lynne and Pitter-Patter, to make it credible.

4- combine 2&3 by telling it as a story in a story, a production of the classic musical "Under Every Lamppost" in which Pinkie plays the Pinkie-expy character. Plenty of potential for fourth-wall humor, but there's a danger of it getting to meta or losing its seriousness.

5- Something unexpected.

Back to the gushing...

Seriously, that opening monologue. I felt like I was in a little black box theater and out of the blue Lynne just walks right down to the middle and starts telling his story. I can't look away. I'm just that drawn in.


notes on where I got confused etc. are in doc.


One other thing, with a songfic like this, getting the lyrics to mesh with the action is crucial. My favorite idea now is to step away from traditional prose for the action and make it a little more like stage direction. Also, maybe horizontally offset the main lyrics from action / back up.

>>>>>>Our love's gonna be written down in history
>>I pick a rose
>>>>>>A-just like Romeo and Juliet
>>and fly to Sweetie's window
>>a voice yells: Ruby!
>>I put a hoof to my heart
>>>>>>Just like--

"Ruby Raindrops!" Cheerilee called. I felt a soft nudge and woke from my daydream.

Play around with this. There's no "correct" but it must be clear.


Conclusion: Woah. More please! Mad props for beginning to make songfic good, and I can't wait to spend more time with those characters.
>> No. 90782
Title: The 6th Age: Shadows of Equestria

Tags: [Sci-fi] [Adventure] [A bit dark, maybe?]

Synopsis: Ivory spires that put to shame the mountain they're grafted to. Millions of lives perched on a slab of iron bolted to the side of a big rock. An artificial sun doin' its best to warm the deep shadows underneath a city on a plate-- and way down where your hooves can touch the pavement, you're denied even that. This, all of this, is New Canterlot. Magical, in the dangerous kinda way, and the most beautiful thing you'll ever learn to fear. This place is everythin' you dreamed of, and everythin' you were afraid of.

Length: 5500 words.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11808/The-6th-Age%3A-Shadows-of-Equestria

Chapters to Review: Everythin' from the synopsis to the last word, if you would be so kind. I like this synopsis on one level but I'm really not sure about it.

Comment/Request: Sorry it's not a google doc, but juggling multiple versions has caused problems for me before, and I'd rather not do that again.

Also sorry for submitting it twice on the google doc queue, as I forgot to include a link the first time.
>> No. 90785
Sorry, changed so you can edit/comment/whatever.
>> No. 90789
File 133162985395.png - (396.50KB , 458x644 , 3lwJY.png )

>4) Punctuation / capitalization errors.
(Correct) "Hi!" she said. (Incorrect) "Hi!" She said.
>5) Name capitalization issues. In several places, you didn't capitalize 'pinkie' and other names.

I assume these points went through a proofread by yourself... ah well, let's see what I can do.

PROTIP: For further submissions consider Gdocs with comment enabled. I usually don't work with it because I need a decent spellchecker (yes, I'm not afraid to admit that). Other reviewers do, having it submitted in Gdocs will increase your claim chance at least 20%
>> No. 90806
File 133164998980.jpg - (5.46KB , 201x251 , images.jpg )
>pic semi-related.

Gdocs with comments enabled: http://bit.ly/AmVZSp

Okay, I’ll pull the handbrake for a moment.

Normally I am willing to help any author, if the idea sounds appealing to me. Yours is one I would like to read, however, reading through your first one and a half page. I see that you haven’t listened to the pre-reader. He/She was nice enough to give you a few examples; examples you could have corrected yourself.

For instance the dialogue punctuation and the proper capitalization of proper nouns. I can’t find any evidence this has been done. You haven’t taken the pre-reader’s advice into consideration. Therefore, how will I know you will take mine?

I’ve created a small list of issues which I found by skimming the first one and a half pages.

>Passive voice
>Word confusion
>Run on sentences
>absence of commas
>Punctuation errors speech
>Weather report opening
>Lavender Unicorn Syndrome

Vanner’s copy-paste on passive voice:

Passive voice occurs when using any form of "to be" or "to have" and another verb. Passive voice takes away the action from the subject of the sentence , and acts as a tell instead of a show. It's a sign of lazy writing, and weakens the flow of the piece do to imprecise writing.

Word confusion

You confuse words, I don’t think I could label it as homophones because, quite frankly, I’m not sure myself.

Examples in your story:
>Quite =/= quiet
>Though =/= through

Run on sentences

I can’t give you any explanation on this one, however, Google is your friend.

It is quite nasty to have behemoths of sentences which you need to read even without the proper punctuation if I show you this way you might see why it is important to limit or add pauses to a sentence or else it will become quite painful to read see I didn’t add any punctuation to this excluding the question mark at the end quite painful isn’t it?

One solution is to add comma’s. This could lead to comma-splices, so I don’t advice you to randomly chuck commas everywhere. Re-writing/re-considering your sentences could lead to a better alternative.

Here’s one example from your fic:

>Even though she often hid them behind purple goggles eveypony in the electric music scene knew that she had bright red irises that could stare into you as if you were made of cellophane.

Could be:

Even if she hid them behind purple goggles. Everypony in the music industry knew she had bright red eyes able to stare deep into somepony’s soul.

Absence of commas relates to this. I’ll dig up a site for you where this can be practiced.

Punctuation errors speech

If dialogue is followed by said or similar to it, (mumbled, shouted, whispered etc.) you don’t use a period but a comma. Unless It’s a question or you want an exclamation point on the end. These two punctuation marks get treated the same as the comma, meaning the following word does not get capitalized.


“we went to the bar,” she said.
“When was that?” her friend asked
“Why are you so bothered!” she shouted.

Weather report opening

This is cliché, maybe a bit of a personal preference, but try something different, something new.
If I want to know what weather there is, I’ll use weather.eq.

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome

It’s okay to describe your character… just don’t keep doing it. It detracts from the story and makes me feel dumb, and trust me readers aren’t that dumb. They have the smarts to read a ‘book’ instead of killing their brain cells with glue. I don’t think we need to be reminded every other paragraph how the protagonist looked. Her/his name will do just fine.

Your homework

assignment 1: Go to this site: http://www.towson.edu/ows/index.htm go to exercises and pick one of every subject, don’t even bother to look at the explanations yet. Work through them and write down the one where you mess up the most. Done? Okay, now go read the explanations on your weak points. Do another round of exercises and repeat the reading again. Do this till you think you have done your best. Last step: revise your story.

assignment 2: Read published works. Look how they punctuate and how they treat sentence structure etc. You can learn a lot from observing.

Well, this was my review I hope it was helpful.

Keep writing!

>inb4 someone tells me I’m wrong…
>> No. 90808
File 133165041597.jpg - (52.57KB , 600x524 , i\'m stupid.jpg )
One solution is to add comma’s. This could lead to comma-splices,
Commas* DERP
>> No. 90809
Good job with the review. I'd just like to make a suggestion regarding the part about comma splices and run-on sentences.

>Even though she often hid them behind purple goggles eveypony in the electric music scene knew that she had bright red irises that could stare into you as if you were made of cellophane.

You are correct in suggesting that this sentence needs additional punctuation. However looking at your correction:
>Even if she hid them behind purple goggles. Everypony in the music industry knew she had bright red eyes able to stare deep into somepony’s soul.
you break this up into two sentences, but the first sentence is a fragment, not a complete sentence. This lends itself most naturally to being connected as a dependent clause with a comma, something like:
>Even if she hid them behind purple goggles, everypony in the music industry knew she had bright red eyes.

Using a fragment isn't necessarily wrong as long as you understand what you are doing, but since you are showing an example, it would be best to avoid fragments, since they are generally best used for effect and not just as a general sentence.

An example of using a fragment for effect:
>Even if she hid them behind purple goggles, everypony in the music industry knew she had bright red eyes. Bright red eyes that could stare deep into somepony’s soul.

With the preceding sentence, you can see how the fragment emphasises the information conveyed. However, if I were to just suggest a fragment without context:
>Bright red eyes that could stare deep into somepony's soul.
that would come off as incorrect or out of place.

Hopefully, this makes sense and is useful to you or anyone else who reads it.
>> No. 90825
File 133166057250.png - (152.00KB , 3320x2600 , Silly me.png )
uhm... I totally knew that liarjack

anyway thanks, I wasn't aware of the fact. I'll keep this in my folder, and visit Townson myself.
>> No. 90829
Steampunk edition huh? Great, have a steampunk fic!

Title: of Steam Gears and Wings
Author's name: RavensDagger
Email: [email protected]
Ten decades after a massive war, Equestria has changed. The Empire now rules over all, giving peace and prosperity to those that deserve it, but some are against this new rulership.
The CMC, a small, raggedy group of smugglers working for the Apple family, are caught red-hoofed by an Imperial patrol. As the friends fight for their lives, they learn about themselves, each other, and the world they now reside in.
Meanwhile, in Canterlot, Emperor Blueblood has amassed a massive fleet and is preparing to smash what is left of the rebellion under the oppressive hoof of his Empire.

^for chapters already added

^Chapter I need help with. also every subsequant chapter.

Comments: This story has already made it to EqD, unfortunatly my editor is on a cruise with his family. IE: I've got no editor, I have great grammar and punctuation editors but no plot and prose editors... Well you get the idea.

Anypony that can stick around as a common editor and/or is online often would be great. Also somepony that I can bounce ideas off of.
>> No. 90843
First of all, I'm glad that you liked it. Really. Thanks for you review. :)

Second, yeah, I see that you've hit at the heart of it. This isn't really a 'pony' story really. I guess I've, well, failed in that regard as a writer. It's more like a thinly veiled human story with a pony sheen over it. I see that, and reviewers have pointed that out, but I don't really see what to do about that without fundamentally changing the characters (if so, then writing wouldn't be fun anymore).

I guess I should go into what I think the overall arc of the story is. It starts out as a sort of grimdark-ish story (grimlight?) given the bad situations that they four colts are in as well as their own horrible personal flaws. I know that this is atypical of Ponyville, but then that gives me room to develop the characters and 'lighten' them up as the story goes along. Things start out nihilistic but get happier and happier until there's the happy ending. The way I'm thinking is that they all fail miserably as ponies separately, but when they get together-- things change. Couldn't that work? I guess it would be some combination of 1- and 5- on your list.

Character-wise... The thing is that: I'm more or less writing this in a sense as a sort of schizophrenia on my part, where all four colts are four separate parts of my past / personality. Do you think it works?

Lynne: a brutish looking Frankenstein-monster type that sounds like an idiot thug, looks like one, smells like one, walks like one, and so on (I guess like a diamond dog almost). Everything about him sort of screams 'rapist'. Yet he's sort of a detached intellectual type who's more or less resigned to the world-- 'just lay it on me'-- who has a bit of a whiny edge, tired of being treated so badly. Loving parents, but they dead, so yeah.

Ruby: Dumb. Dumb as Snails, basically. Also, plain looking and totally nondescript. A total daydreamer with no real goals or anything. A blank flank, who would be teased if he wasn't somepony that just fades into the wall. Loving parents, but they've basically accepted that he'll be Snails-level for life out of resignation.

Blackberry: Afraid of his own shadow. A Joey Ramone sort of character that's paralyzed by social anxiety. The sort of pony that has to step on every last step on a stair. Gets panic attacks from crowds. I'm also reminded of, say, Piglet from Pooh and friends. It doesn't help that he has closeted bisexual feelings. Loving and extremely caring parents, still, even though he's barely functional.

Patter: Icy psychopath. Cynical, sarcastic, intellectual while also highly crude. A bit of a criminal record. Think of Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs or the Tooth Fairy from Manhunter / Red Dragon and you'll see what I'm trying to get at. Anti-social, uncaring, selfish, relatively insane in the sense of talking to himself and carefully planning out that one of these days he's just going to carve up the Sugarcube staff into their own baked goods (not that he knows that for sure, but he fantasies about that constantly).

Background wise, I was thinking that he was emotionally and physically abused by his step-father a lot, and his mother also received a lot of abuse. Yet he sort of 'finds solace' in his mother's hooves through a disturbing yet, on his part, highly desired illicit relationship. And then he has a new little half-sister, and the abuse basically ends to him. Dad focuses on the sister with his abuse. What ends up is that the mother gets put in prison from what she did with him, but Dad gets off free (because Dad has money and that's the golden rule, who has the gold makes the rules). Patter and his sister sort of escape to Ponyville away from wherever it is he's from. He has a hard time given that he's, well, a bad pony to be with. He's also a clear danger for somepony such as Mr. Cake, who feels ill having a pony with that kind of incestuous past around Mr.Cake's own kids (knowing that Patter is likely to be or become a molesting monster himself).

And then, what happens as the story goes on is that as friends they just sort of melt into each other. Or that's what I'm thinking. They're each just 1/4 of a incomplete character, and together they can become whole and content. Not to mention that they take in Pinkie Pie as a musical muse / manager / groupie / tour cart driver / etc (because I know she's love the fun explosion of working with a pop band).

It's pretty simple. Ruby really isn't 'that' stupid, he just hasn't had ponies focus enough attention on him and try getting him to learn things practically (rather than on a chalkboard). Patter needs to learn that he can completely and totally lose himself to his friends, trusting them, and he regains some childlike innocence from Ruby. Blackberry goes through a kind of psychological therapy where he grows used to crowds, loud noises, bright flashing lights, and the rest with the other colts basically holding his hooves through the process. And so on. I was planning to put in a lot of gooshy, mushy Pinkie Pie worship about how she's making them all happier, lighter, funnier colts by constant attention, constant parties, and so on. I'll admit that I haven't thought this out too much.

Is all this just too dark, though? Are the characters so screwed up that they just kill the flow of the story w.r.t being in MLP? I don't know.

I mean: you just said that you don't like "casual domestic violence" in a story, and here I give you a story in which a colt overcomes parental incest to have a normal relationship. :=|
>> No. 90846
File 133167095264.gif - (45.29KB , 200x157 , (My Little Pony) (1).gif )
Little endnote thing...

When I say that this is based on my own past, I hope that I don't give you the wrong idea. I was not sexually abused as a kid, and Patter is (mostly) not me. I... *ahem*... I have had some frustrating and disturbing... issues in that vein as a kid. I really, really, really, really don't want to talk about it. (That's something for therapists and not for /fic/)

Well, now I feel stupid for even touching on this in the fanfic in the first place.
>> No. 90860
Relenquishing my claim on soundslikeponies's Flying High, Falling Hard by request.
>> No. 90862
a)title: On the Origins of Equestria
b)Tags: [Normal][Poetry]
c) Josef Edwards/bearycool
d)Short Description: This piece is based off epic poetry, and the genesis of the world and the events that shape the present day Equestria; I.E. This piece has been made to describe in poetic format the origins of Equestria and how they connect to the Mane Six. Plot holes within the pony canon have been filled in by the author "Bard Clop" and has been summarized by his friend, "Gallant Hatter." There motto on this work is this:
Harmoniis, in medias res.

Note: Remember, the meter is lose and there is no rhyming. Also, if you need this, the word count at the moment for this is 1000.

Front Matter and Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/18JOAyQQxLQOsGUwkFwixKHwWQ6298mBCKt1no2J0PxI/edit

Note: Comments are enabled.
>> No. 90863
File 133167758236.jpg - (120.32KB , 1191x670 , twidash_flight_scene_of_friendship_by_derpiihooves-d4ks2p4.jpg )
tags: [Drama][Shipping][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Sometimes, you can't help who you fall for. With the best young flier competition not too far away, Dash begins getting distracted with frequent visits to the Ponyville Library.

length: ~73,000 words (first 22k don't need to be reviewed)

So, EqD sent me here sometime last year. Since then I've rewritten the first 22k words, most of which have been reviewed by a previous reviewer. I'm looking mostly at having chapter 10 and onward reviewed since that is where I'm cutting off my rewrite and looking to just do simple editing. (I don't think there is a drama tag, but it's appropriate for this story.)
>> No. 90874
File 133168221852.png - (40.67KB , 320x228 , im-a-hat-on-a-cat.png )
Overall, this looks pretty good. Your writing style is smooth, your grammar wasn't as bad as your request had led me to believe, but the story just wasn't my cup of tea. Again, that isn't to say that there is anything inherently flawed or bad about your story, I pesonally, just didn't enjoy it.

On the grammar front, you were plagued mostly by a few recurring errors rather than a whole plethora of different mistakes. If I were you, I'd review I,+I sentence structure, the rules of punctuation in quotation marks, comma splices (which ties into the whole I,+I thing), and the use of semicolons. At first, I was happy to see an author use semicolons, but you took it to far. You have too many semicolons in places where new senteces would be better due to the (at best) tenuous relationship between the thoughts before and after said punctuation. In several places, you have semicolons in your dialogue to the detriment of your story's mood (seriously, you missed a chance to place an appropriate exclamation point in some Pinkie Pie dialogue).

I went line-by-line for the whole thing, so you can check it out in the google doc (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GwY7ERT9FLVa_C8D3-7kWhmzT_LF0lTw7miLUE_BJho/edit?pli=1#).

Summary: Light semicolon abuse, recurring comma errors, mild phobia of starting new sentences.
>> No. 90880
Claim. I don't know when it's going to be done, but I'm hoping at latest on Monday.
>> No. 90882
Title: undecided. Tie between, "Under A Luminous Sky" and "Bloodline"
Tags: Grimdark(For language, situations, and some blood)
Author: Jake Hughes/ Jake The Army Guy

Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy, a violent serial killer, finds his way to Equestria as a pony, and decides to continue his "work." The authorities and the Mane Six are aided by Detective Robert Barlow, the human detective who has been chasing Pomeroy for almost a year. A lone human in a strange land, Barlow must solve the riddle that is Pomeroy, and catch him before he does irreparable damage to this perfect world.


This is chapter one. My first price of fiction ever, so please be honest, but gentle. :)
>> No. 90886
Believe me, you're a lot smarter than I was to post "Flight Camp." It has a "discovery of fact" plot: Gilda gets squicked by the differences between griffon and pony reproduction. I ended up causing more hurt feelings than it was worth, and I ultimately trolled myself: I now have a reviewer on my case to some day go back and mellow it out.

That's the danger with heavy business: you can never tell how heavy it will get. That said, no complaints yet, and I think you have the appropriate level of respect for your characters that I don't forsee a problem. Characters with a Very Special Issue suck, but that's not what you're doing.


>pony enough?

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3228/The-Glass-Blower by Cold in Gardez

An earth pony tries again and again to craft magic worthy of Rarity's heart.

CiG could take his magical ponies in Canterlot and replace them with gaslamp-fantasy* humans in Paris, and the story would work equally well: epic win.

*roughly: steampunk with magic. Airships. Mad Science. eg Castle in the Sky, End of Ponies, Girl Genius, His Dark Materials

The tone issue won't prevent you from writing good fic, but it's something to keep in the back of your mind and see what tickles your muse. Mine likes story-in-story, but what matters is what inspires yours.

It's not too dark: if you do everything else right, it will just be a flaw in a diamond.



To prime your free-association (I'm planning a Pinkie fic, myself)

lives to make everypony smile

too smart to not notice what's really going on with the boys.

makes perfect sense in retrospect.

think deep, act pink!

always several steps ahead

write her backwards for added dizzy



http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1571/17/The-End-of-Ponies/Chapter-Seventeen%3A--Pinkamena-Pie%27s-Defunct (24k-word warning)
>> No. 90893
File 133168938299.png - (260.64KB , 900x720 , (My Little Pony) (16).png )
I see. Thanks for all of your comments. I'll go ahead and revise the fic.

Too bad that I'm totally writer's blocked right now. Seriously, it's almost like coming up with new scenes for anything about anything feels like uuuuugh :/

Still though, those are some good points.

>Think deep, but act pink!
Awesome! I'll be sure to remember that one!
>> No. 90906
Hey, everyone -
Question here, and there's no "grammar/punctuation general" so I'll put it in this. Hope you don't mind.

Okay, so there's a sentence, and it's of this form:

They do X and do Y and Z.

Now, it seems to me that a comma before the first "and" would clarify the sentence, but it also doesn't look like it would be technically correct.

So maybe someone here can help me out with this.
Should it be
They do X, and do Y and Z
or not?
>> No. 90907
Having nested contractions seems a little odd to me. You could see if any of these cases apply.

If all three use the same verb, then you could use parallel structure
>They do X, Y, and Z.

If all three use different verbs, then you can use parallel structure again
>They verb1 X, verb2 Y, and verb3 Z.

If the second and third use a different verb than the first, then you may want to consider breaking it up into two sentences:
>They verb1 X. Then, they verb2 Y and Z.
or finding a synonym for the verb that is used twice and then using case 2.

If you give the specific sentence, then I could try to give a more specific fix.
Hope that is helpful
>> No. 90909
It's going to be more about the flow of the sentence. You can't make a blanket statement that one is preferable.

They do X, Y, and Z can work, as well as many other variations. It'll depend on the specific example.
>> No. 90912
All my dibs
>> No. 90955
File 133173150562.jpg - (48.98KB , 526x556 , HSbtM.jpg )
Heya writers,

During my thread sweep and spreadsheet update, I clicked a few links to stories. Some of them were view only. You might want to consider to set it to comment only. This can be done through the blue share button at the top right of your screen. Most of the reviewers will ask you anyway.

Another important thing, set it to comment only I encountered a few stories which could be edited. I’m a nice guy and left a warning, try to avoid this.

I haven’t made a list for whom has his doc viewable/editable. I leave this to the authors to decide, so if you are reading this, do a twenty second check. It can help you a lot.


DEXT AUTHOR FOR: THE CARNIVAL OF CHAOS THINE DOC ISN’T ACCESSIBLE! Which makes it kinda hard to review, just a heads up.
>> No. 90988
The instructions told me to include the entire wordcount of your fic, not just the chapters I'm submitting for review.
>> No. 90989
That sounds like it should be changed.
>> No. 91000
Total number of words in your fic (i.e. not just the part for which you are requesting a review)."
>> No. 91015
File 133175857260.jpg - (280.46KB , 700x700 , com__pilgrim12345_by_kapieren-d3inieq.jpg )
Short: Probably on the lower edge of the spectrum in terms of general quality because of poor worldbuilding.

First, let's go over some of the things that you didn't do BEFORE I even began analyzing the fic:
1. The link to your story lead to not your story, but your own fic thread. While I doubt you meant it, it seemed like a blatant bit of self-advertisement at the time. Boo.
2. When I found the correct link, it lead to a story that was already published. Boo.
3. Not only was it published, but you didn't even bother to put it in GDocs, even after Cassius pointed out that it would make reviewing a lot more effective. Boo.
4. Author's notes at the end, which is the only thing more destructive to a story than author's notes at the BEGINNING. Not only did you wreck any sort of formality between reader and writer, you managed to completely wreck the mood that your story set. That's your final impression. Instead of people closing your story and going 'Wow, what an experience.', they go 'Oh, that PresentPerfect. When is he going to get back to the usual stuff?' In addition, this seemed like even MORE self-advertisement. Boo. Boo. Boo.

So before I even bothered reading the thing, I already have an incredibly negative first impression of you as a writer. What annoyed me further is that you're a regular on this board. You know what makes reviewing more effective, and you ignored that anyway. Writing is as much presentation as it is creation.

Anyway, I've tamed the arcane workings of Google Docs so I could give you an acceptable line-by-line. I apologize for some of the informality in advance.

Finally, let's get to some things I'd like to talk about.

Let's go through the problems of the Big Reveal at the end first:
1) Performing a marriage would be a waste of time better spent protecting and fortifying the base, or running supply lines that go nowhere.
2) All a marriage would do is make ponies remember, and since the entire first half of the story was about the pain of remembering what came before, this seems a little counter-productive to actually raising morale
3) They risked not only one of their best teams on what essentially was a frivolous mission, but also one of their lead commanders. Wow, it almost seemed like a novice commander made this, which leads to the second section...

Characterisation problems:
1) It is never explained why Rarity and Big Mac want to marry. Just that they do. It's never even really implied.
2) This story is whiny whiny whiny. A good pathos scene is like punching somebody in the gut. You may pull your hand back, let them flinch a little. They know it's coming, but it still hurts. You hit them with all your force. Then you walk off, leaving them to squander in the pain of a good gut-punch. Your story is not this. It's more like some bully walking up to you and giving you a noogie for an hour straight. It's just tiring.
Tone the not-so-sad bits down. A musical forte is only loud by comparison to the rest of the piece.
2) A lot of these character changes are frivolous and seem to indicate nothing important. For instance, why is Big Mac blind? So he can be commander because otherwise he'd be fighting? In that case, should he really be leading the last base that wasn't destroyed? Which leads to the next problem...

'The Other' problems:
1) They're so generic they're completely interchangeable with any other villain. I could change it to Soviet ponies, Discord, Nightmare Moon's return, anything really. In fact, I can see the prompt stitch lines from my computer. These 'aliens' are so foolishly generic that it's no wonder you lost. When you follow a prompt it has to be the central theme of your story. I feel that a more fleshed out villain would definitely add more to the pathos of this story.
2) That being said, there's tons of practical problems with your vague villains. They have no purpose, and no goal other than genocide, which is a foolishly stupid policy to follow. They have laser guns, but they apparently are unable to burn a forest down. They have ORBITAL STRIKES, and they get caught up trying to get into the forest. At the very least have them trying to shoot artillery or something. Now, I can see the response to this coming from a mile away, namely since every comment is about it. 'But you're supposed to fill in the aliens yourself, so you can imagine a happy ending or a sad ending or whatever.' Well, I've tried, going through every society and ideology I know, and outside of 'occultist sociopaths'. No, what I see here is 'an author who needed an idea for a prompt so he stole an old idea and stitched aliens onto it'. Which leads to my next point...

World problems:
1) Why is the pony whose entire life is spent on the farm the commander of the base? What would make him in anyway clever or a good commander, canoncally or in this story?
2) There is no description, anywhere. For anything, really. The inside of the base has very little description, the mountainside, basically every scene in the story is poorly described.
3) In the same vein, almost all of the character changes are played for shock value. At some point I just stopped trying to care what happened to the ponies and just assumed they were OCs. Didn't make bearing the whining any easier, though. Finally, I'll go to my biggest problem of this story:

'The Aesop' problems:
>What's the point of winning a war if you've got nothing worth winning it for?
This is silly silly silly. Let's go through a nice little list of reasons as to why this aesop makes no sense in this story:
1) Marriage doesn't give you something to live for. The love is what's important, not an artificial construct designed to make that love official.
2) Why would this be the aesop of the story if almost nothing beforehand points to it being the point of the story? There's, I think around three lines questioning why they were fighting. The rest was spent talking whining about how the world has changed.
3) Hey, guess what? You solved the problems of three ponies out of a colony of what is implied to be around fifty or so. A marriage will do absolutely nothing to encourage a group of child soldiers. Even citizen soldiers will have a difficult time sympathizing with you if you get married. Heck, a few may even resent or envy you, because the love of your life didn't die. Why did theirs get picked when yours didn't?

Definitely flesh out the area some more, and add more flavor. I can't take Applebloom angsting for tens and tens of pages. This needs more substance. Definitely rewrite the third act so that the point of the story isn't something completely random and out of almost nowhere.

Revise and keep writing.
>> No. 91078
Spirits of Harmony: Chapter One Prologue

Mechanics are in order; you bring the ponies to life; watch out fore bare/bear. Right then. It's awfully, terribly, horribly okay, don't you think? I see you have a framing story and you need to set the stage. That calls for a prologue: a short scene that tells what it needs to and then gets out of the way. Not a 5 or 6 kiloword first chapter that plays coy with what's going on.

Don't get me wrong; it's not bad. You're not running the risk of scaring readers off, but you are wasting their time (just a little) when you don't have to.

So go ahead with the important stuff to start: Twilight and friends are inside the EoH to hear stories from their predecessors. Get that settled and get out!

As a crude edit, cut until
> Twilight came to in a hazy surreal world
5/6 of the way through the text as written now. If you were to really try, I'd bet you can cover the really important stuff in a couple hundred words.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm digging up the previous edition, 'cuz I really wanna hear about this war that wasn't.
>> No. 91085
>>90863 Flying High, Falling Hard

Kindle the Bonfire

I can see only two major problems, but they're both so omnipresent and distracting, they kill the story deader than dead. I want to see it come to life, though; crossovers that find unexpected common ground between happy sugar worlds and darker fare are really a lot of fun. Not that you have to turn it into a comedy, but I encourage you to embrace the absurd juxtaposition of the two.

The problems lie with your I-character. We experience everything through his voice, and right now, he sounds like a teenage video game player. (No offense intended if the author is in fact a teenage video game player.) That's what happened in every chapter I read, so I'll just focus on the first. If you can bring one to life, the rest should follow.

The crux of the problem is that video games and prose fiction have exactly opposite focus. In a game, the player is drawn into interacting with and eventually mastering the mechanics of the game. In fiction, the reader is drawn into empathy with the characters' goals, desires and struggles.

There's no story in Tetris or Farmville, but that doesn't keep them from seizing their audience. Story is, of course, a nice bonus (speaking of puzzle games, Portal, anyone?), but it can't cover for weak gameplay.

"Bird in the Hoof" is pretty much a pure story in this sense: the reveal at the end isn't how Fluttershy cures Philomena, it's the hard truth that she can't. The episode is about her anxiety and Twilight's paranoia in the face of inevitable failure, and knowing the ending doesn't really spoil anything. You couldn't adapt it into a game because winning isn't the point.

So when you bring a game character into a story like this, you have two challenges:

- the mechanics of the world matter a lot less. I don't really care how Lawrence summons a phantom, and blow-by-blow action scenes are boring unless you can use a character to get the reader invested in them.

- character motivation matters a lot more. Lawrence feel like the idealized masculine demon slayer he is. I'd start with the following macho concept and adjust as needed.


The Wiki has this to say
> Dark Souls has a minimalistic plot.
which I guess means you have a blank slate on which to build your character - both empowering and nerve-wracking, no? I see you give him a backstory later, the trick is to integrate it with how he acts at every moment.

I can't too much guidance, except to say that the wet-behind-the-ears whelp he is now really rubs me the wrong way. Maybe I'm wrong and that's an opportunity for character development, so I jumped ahead to chapter ten and was disappointed. Show me.

I'll go through the first chapter and comment specifically in document. Comments will be biased towards making Lawrence appeal to my sensibilities. Take them with a hugh grain of salt.

>> No. 91087
First, I'll say I'm glad you took a look at my fic, being a known and respected name around here. Just what I was looking for in a reviewer.

Let me hit up your "Long" points next, and feel free to ignore this because I will try and get all my defensiveness out here.

1) I always do that. Lets people reply there or here on the TG if they like.

2) I do not consider having a story on fimfiction to be 'published'. That's for EQD alone. What's there is what I submitted to the contest, which is why I didn't bother with a GDoc like I normally would have.

3) In light of #2, all you had to do was ask. I would have said this earlier in the thread, but Cassius kind of pissed me off and I decided NOT to pick a fight.

4) Something else I also do. I like talking about my writing. When you hit the end of a story and see "Author's Notes", it's pretty easy to stop reading if you don't care. And yeah, I self-advertise A LOT. It's how you get your name out there.

"Big Reveal":
I was trying to use the marriage as an "If life can go on as normal when the world has gone to hell, that means it's still worth fighting for", triumph of the spirit sort of deal. I'll have to think about this (all I can say in my defense was this was plotted out with an eye to sticking to the spirit of the original idea, which wasn't very good to begin with :V Which isn't a defense at all, now that I mention it!). As to point #2, though, that bothers me. Does it come off that everyone is as broken and bitter as Hollow Point? In my head, she's the only one who's trying desperately to escape her past, the only one who's against the whole wedding thing and who would be demoralized by life rearing its ugly head and trying to move on, because she's given up on everything.

I would claim Shipper's Privilege, but you're right, I didn't address that at all. Which is to say I tried and didn't do nearly enough. To #2, I may simply be out of my element here. I'm afraid you're not speaking my language. :( To the other #2, yeah, they are frivolous. Bad idea, like I said.

"The Other":
Yeah, I shoehorned in just a little bit to play up the mysteriousness and fit the prompt. Honestly, I think the idea of a faceless, nameless force trying to wipe out your entire race for reasons you'll never understand is pretty frightening, but I totally get what you're saying. There were always nameless, faceless aliens in this but, yeah, too nameless and facelles. Not orbital strikes though, think Independence Day.

Big Mac's got a good head on his shoulders, if only in my mind. I'm no doubt crossing with too many other fanfics I've read in the past, but I always see him as the one who does a lot of the organizational duties on the farm. Maybe it all just stems back to Applejack's "fancy mathematics" line. The description think I'll take to the chin, it's a failing of mine, especially on second drafts like this. What would you suggest for me to get to the character changes, caused by time and severe circumstance, and still have the characters feel true?

Uh. I got nothin'. ._.

The point of the story was that Apple Bloom has given up on everything and wholeheartedly accepted her task as a soldier. She's taken her identity from her new cutie mark, the mantle of a soldier and fighter, and has given herself nothing else to live for. Her reaction at the end (and, in some obtuse way, the title) is meant to be her sort of drowning under the weight of hope. In her mind, if there's no reason to fight -- not necessarily that there's anything worth fighting for, mind -- then she has no reason to live. If the war ends, she's nothing. She's clawing against the smidgen of hope produced by Twilight's coming out of hermitude because she thinks their plan might just work.

So, I obviously failed at conveying that, but did ANY of it come through, or am I telling you a completely different story now? D: Idea fics are not my forte and I'll have to come back to this once I'm better at writing.

Great review, thank you so much. :D I really needed someone to tell me just how bad this was. XD
>> No. 91093
File 133177848073.gif - (464.32KB , 200x200 , 8Q6GN.gif )
I got burned on this point too. Maybe there should be two fields, one for total story length and one for length of chapters to be reviewed?

+1 for a general grammar main thread. There's a fair number of grammar derails in TTG threads that I'd love to jump into, or ask questions myself, but I feel bad about contributing to autosage.
>> No. 91096
Tags: [Grimdark][Sad]

Synopsis: Imprisoned in place where the light never shines for the horrible deeds he has committed, a stallion gets a rare chance at Freedom and Forgiveness in the form of a mysterious hooded mare. But with freedom comes a hefty price. Will the stallion be able to gain his freedom, or will he fall victim to the madness that gave him this prison in the first place?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14329/Uprising

Chapters To Be Reviewed: Prelude: My Hell; Memoir I, Part I: Who I Am
>> No. 91104

Wrong link. I made a copy so I can comment in-line. Also, I was hoping to finish tonight, but my stomach said, "Dinner time, foo'!" and that didn't work out. I'll put a note at the end when I'm well and truly done.

>> No. 91111
>>90092 >>90077 >>89125
Detailed comments in doc

Nothing fundamental has changed, so I'll just note how well things have improved from my last review.

>First paragraph is very bland. We just have Fluttershy acting like Fluttershy.
Gotta say it's still a concern. You did spice things up a bit, but there's only so much you can do with additional description. Don't postpone your conflice too long, or the reader will move along to another story.

>Occasional failure to tag speech with speaking verbs where your punctuation requires them.
Only saw one instance this time. Good job.

>Semicolon abuse. Semicolons are primarily used for linking closely related independent clauses which could otherwise stand alone as sentences. You tend to use them where a comma is appropriate.
I only found one. Unfortunately, this type of error really stands out. If you're going to use one, read the material before and after it separate sentences and make sure both are complete. If not, a semicolon's the wrong choice.

>There are intermittent problems with lack of commas for words/phrases of direct address and punctuation/capitalization ending quotations.
I still found a couple instances of each. You're doing better, but not completely cured.

>There are lots of show versus tell issues.
Much improved. Telling does have its place in areas of minor importance or expository catch-up material at the beginning of scenes. You've done a good job of creating an immersing story.

>Many of your external references feel forced.
I gather that you're committed to your little references. They lend a little silliness, but don't lead anywhere, and for me they detracted from the tone of your story.

>Your OC is a little one-dimensional so far... My Gary Stu sensor isn't going off yet, but I don't have a lot of evidence either way.
Still a concern, but we'll see where this story goes in subsequent chapters.

>He almost seems resentful of his talent, while every canon example is something the pony enjoys, and often has as a profession.
I see you addressed this, and it seems more information will be forthcoming in future chapters.

>The goofy Luna will win you some specific fans, but I will not be among them.
Luna's abacus is a very, very tired meme.

No change

Overall, it's noticeably improved, and it looks like you're ready to crank through a chapter 2 revision. There are still some things with which I disagree, but, hey, that's why I'm not the one writing it. Keep writing and have fun with it.
>> No. 91127
Title: Fear of Falling

Author: Eustatian

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yq8vxESsS7sjY6X1TuOAqxl_ZmkoIjp5KNREZKTY95o/edit

Ponychan link: >>90564

So, there's comments in the doc by both me and the other reviewer that you requested.

So... I'll just get started with the review.

Characters: Broadly speaking, this came across well. Dash felt like Dash. Shy felt like Shy. At the same time, I had some problems from time to time, especially with moments in the dialogue. An example is when Dash says: "You are going to cut the crap, pony up, and learn to fall.” There's several moments like that that come across as human-y, and often Dash seems just mean. She's assertive in sort of a playful way, not mean.

As far as the orientation thing... I don't know. It all came across pretty flat. You have Dash set up as an "I've never had a good love before, a true love I'm so alone" character. I can accept Shy being, well, shy, and romantically demure in a way that she has literally zero experience; that makes clear sense. I don't see that from Dash. I guess this is personal preference, but I'd rather see some complexity from Dash. Something like, "Yeah, I've liked these two or three stallions. Great fliers. They just moved off, and things didn't... the spark wasn't there. I guess I always was looking for something I couldn't put my hoof on." Or something. Personal preference, surely on my part, but I don't think Dash as being that lonely really works.

Wording / Storyline / Grammar: I'll be honest and say that this comes across as a very bland story. It's loaded with dull, descriptive type language and the passive voice is all around.

Look at these two sections in particular:
>Rainbow Dash was not listening. Fluttershy wanted her, not some stupid ideal pony who didn't exist anyway. Perfection wasn't the point.

>It was definitely strange, but not in a bad way, to have Rainbow sit close and hold her wing. Fluttershy knew it didn't mean anything special; Rainbow was just trying to help her, but it was still nice.

This is the killer. I feel like I was told a love story. I didn't have much emotional investment in it-- from the way in which it was worded. I just feel like I need a much better window into Dash's mind as well as Fluttershy's mind. They're flying about. They're talking. They're resting. I should see their feelings in a whole and complete sense from the actions.

Instead, a lot of the story is ping-pong dialogue coupled with moments of moving about, which means emotions are handled in descriptive, overly dry ways. Like: "Blah Blah," said Fluttershy. She was feeling rather angry, causing Dash to step back. or something like that. I guess I'm falling back to the "show, don't tell" trope, but I really can't think of what else to say. Just look at the blue text above. It's telling, telling, telling...

[to be continued]
>> No. 91128
I should note that I left oodles of comments, but then I began to lose interest in the story (sorry, but I really did). The other reviewer went ahead and took over from there, but I did real the whole thing (even though my commenting pattern might not show that).



Plot: It's pretty, well, boring in my opinion. You're shipping Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. There's nothing wrong with that idea, but you have to ask yourself: "How is this really that different than any other shipping story between those two out there?" And, going further, "Than any other shipping story, period?"

There's the flip-flopping between them as foals and them as adults, which I liked. There's also a little bit of "Am I really lesbian for her? She is cute. But aren't I straight?" drama. But, overall, it just sounds like your standard 'vanilla ice cream without sprinkles' generic shipfic. The plot and storyline doesn't really seem to hold my interest that well.

I hate to be this cliche'd, but... this romance is like a half empty wine glass with a cigarette butt floating in it. The magic has gone. The thrill is gone. I can't tell you what exactly I think that you need to add into it, but you need to rework the central storyline a lot in my opinion.

The first thing that comes to mind is that Dash could be still seething on the inside for a stallion that she liked, but he ended up abandoning her for his flying career. Or something. Or maybe her assertive personality was too intimidating to him. She might grouse about how she's not that 'girly girl-ish', but that that quality is the sort of thing the potential marefriend wouldn't care about. Or is it? I guess I'm trying to say that I'd like more fleshed out of a plot that goes more into Dash's feelings, showing these things from actions and not telling them.

Summary: This review probably sounded pretty critical. That doesn't change the fact that, overall, I like this paring. I also think that the story was more or less well written.

I'd give this a 3/5 and a fimfiction thumbs up if I was on there. I just think there's plenty of work to go on this story, improving it.

Sheesh... it's 3:57am. Well, if you have any comments or anything just post. Thanks for looking at my 'Lamppost' story.
>> No. 91144

The second book in the renown Daring-Do series.
Join Daring on her quest for the Griffon's Goblet, the legendary drinking cup said to have belonged to Discord himself. A quest that will take her around the globe, from the highest towers of Canterlot to the lowest dungeons of the Lost Kingdom.


Here the separate googledocs links:



First chapter, all of them if possible

I have sent this to EQ and got this reply:

1) Awkward pacing: You seem to have a great deal of difficulty finding your pace in this story. You're attempting to mimic the "Indiana Jones" feel of movies, which themselves mimicked the "pulp" style stories of years before. This lead to a number of awkward scenes when Daring Do reacted contrary to herself. An example form Chapter 1 would be when she broke into the train car and confronted Loaded Dice and his mercenaries. She acted with bravado and a quick grasp of the situation when he confronted her. But when his men when for the attack, she was suddenly looking about frantically. To use the pulp reference, that would usually be a sign for some sort of fist-fight (Hoof fight?) or the a quick one-liner from the hero as she pulled off something completely unexpected (which she did in this scene, but such a move could have easily been planned out during the banter, and ready to go the moment the bad guys moved to attack).
2) strange word choices: This could go along with the previous entry, but I wanted to bring this to your attention separately, since the words you choose affect the pace and manner a reader reads it.
3) Tense Swaps: You fall into the old trap (believe me, every writer fights with it sometime) of accidentally swapping from past to present and back to past tense again. It's not frequent, but it does happen multiple times over the course of the story.
4) Editing failures: This is a catch-all, I'll admit, but there's a lot of little things. Examples of which from early in chapter 1:
"Biting cold raindrops stung her face, body and wings as Daring-Do dove at the speeding train." You missed a comma there after "body"
"Lightning flashed, briefly illuminating the scene, Do’s eyes widened in terror when she saw the train entering a tunnel, the utter darkness of the passage only slightly contrasting to the rocky mountainside." You need to split this into two sentences. Further, even if it wasn't a run-on sentence, you'd need an "and" before you reference Miss Do, otherwise you're missing any sort of transition required.

1) I think the first point is arguable. It’s quite impossible to grasp the whole character of my version of Daring in the first chapter. I don’t think my characterisation of Daring-Do fills all classic pulp-fiction clichés. But I’d like to know if the character is credible, if it is possible to emphasize with her and if I stay true to it through the story.

2) I really don’t know. I didn’t consciously choose strange words. I’d have to have someone point that out for me specifically if I’m to have any chance of spotting that.

Would need some examples were my pacing is off too, so I get the idea what I did wrong.

3) Have not spotted that in editing, so I’m probably unable to find the lines in question on my own. My proofreaders didn’t catch that too.

4) I’m working on my spelling and grammar and I had proofreaders go through my scripts. Is it still that bad?

I’m out of ideas how to improve my writing on my own and would appreciate a throughout review of the story and any advice.

mfg Sebbaa
>> No. 91150
File 133182535997.jpg - (57.50KB , 500x426 , e323wet.jpg )

>Awaiting acknowledgement: 13
>Pending reviews: 11
>Unclaimed: 35

>Email sent to authors with the request to acknowledge their reviews.


Split Infinitive | >>90806 | 3/13/2012 | | 1/23/2012 | Beat of a Different DJ | Jolttix | >>79674
ReviewerInTraining | >>89022 | 3/5/2012 | | 1/31/2012 | The Three Souls | Athlon2736 | >>81058
Grif | >>87058 | 2/25/2012 | | 2/11/2012 | A Star's Golden Chance | The Zephyr | >>83578
Sparky | >>88703 | 3/4/2012 | | 2/16/2012 | Azurite Dawn | Tandyman100 | >>84726
Eustatian | >>89096 | 3/5/2012 | | 2/19/2012 | Contact: Apple Harvest | Ty500600 | >>85571
Eustatian | >>91078 | 3/14/2012 | | 2/23/2012 | Spirits of Harmony Rewrite, Chapter I | Stormchaser | >>86575
Eustatian | >>91085 | 3/14/2012 | | 2/24/2012 | Kindle the Bonfire | sirhim11 | >>86730
Pascoite | >>87127 | 2/26/2012 | | 2/25/2012 | Bones, Diamonds, and Time. | Noclipper | >>86966
Simon o'Sullivan | >>87197 | 2/26/2012 | | 2/26/2012 | The Manly Man Way | GWFan | No-post in TTG
Ion-Sturm | >>89233 | 3/6/2012 | | 3/5/2012 | protectorate | hobrohazard | >>88930
Pascoite | >>91111 | 3/14/2012 | | 3/9/2012 | Fluttershy’s Shadow: Chapter One - A Doubt Of A Shadow - Part One | Broken Logic | >>84691
Arcanus Brighthorn | >>90874 | 3/13/2012 | | 3/10/2012 | Who am I...? | Connor the Brony | >>90184
SwiperTheFox | >>91128 | 3/15/2012 | | 3/11/2012 | Fear of Falling | Eustatian Wings | >>90564


Eustatian | | | | 12/30/2011 | Flying High, Falling Hard | soundslikeponies | >>90863
TimeForKronos | | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
Bidoof | | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendship is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | >>79295
CheeseDeluxe | | | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
Josh Meihaus | | | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
Seattle_Lite | | | | 2/12/2012 | From Canterlot with Love | Sagebrush | >>83644
Exarona | | | | 2/16/2012 | My Choices: Twisted Tales Through Time | Koolerkid | >>84836
brokenimage321 | | | | 2/26/2012 | A New Mare | Charcoal Quill | >>87199
TheGreatandPowerful!Trixie | | | | 2/28/2012 | The Fixers | Kyrie Illumina | >>87702
AidanMaxwell | | | | 3/11/2012 | Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is | SpilledInk | >>90503
Arcanus Brighthorn | | | | 3/12/2012 | Forever Classic | Impossible Numbers | >>90606


| | | | 2/20/2012 | The Carnival of Chaos Chapter 2 | Dext | >>85808
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Termina's Final Twilight | Foursword4 | >>86531
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Birthright | Netaro | >>86544
| | | | 2/27/2012 | Redemption of the Fireheart | Your Antagonist (VegaKS03) | >>87358
| | | | 2/27/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>87471
| | | | 2/29/2012 | Out of Context | Nuke_Equestria | >>87788
| | | | 2/29/2012 | The Pony Scrolls: Nightfall | Storywrite | >>88009
| | | | 3/1/2012 | Millennium Eclipse | Lucky Stampede | >>88110
| | | | 3/2/2012 | The Conversion Bureau : The Untold Story | Shader | >>87789
| | | | 3/2/2012 | Silence is Bittersweet | Truehearted | >>88378
| | | | 3/3/2012 | Finding The Answers | Nesstrodamus | >>88489
| | | | 3/3/2012 | My Little Pony: The Glowmelon Mystery | Legendary Emerald | No-post
| | | | 3/3/2012 12 | Pinkie Pie's Wonderful Flying Machine | OmegaPony11 | >>88537
| | | | 3/4/2012 | Fluttershy's Little Secret | Masem | >>88694
| | | | 3/4/2012 | Dear Princess Celestia, | brokenimage321 | >>88753
| | | | 3/5/2012 | Spitfire Meets Twilight | Dracoliat | >>88858
| | | | 3/5/2012 | What the Future Holds | OmniscientTurtle | >>90686
| | | | 3/6/2012 | Word of Malice | Twisted Night | >>89179
| | | | 3/6/2012 | Redstreak Jack: Orchards of Time (unpublished) | Impossible Numbers | >>89180
| | | | 3/6/2012 | I Don't Hurt Anymore | Ciero989 | >>89390
| | | | 3/7/2012 | As of yet Untitled Luna X Celestia | Rex Ivan | >>89423
| | | | 3/7/2012 | Resonance of Chaos | Broznik | >>89064
| | | | 3/9/2012 | The Fall of The First Lunar Republic | Bpendragon | >>90143
| | | | 3/10/2012 | Javelin | McPoodle | >>88583
| | | | 3/10/2012 | Banishment Decree | Chuckfinley | >>90080
| | | | 3/11/2012 | Equestria's First Human | Ceehoff | >>90437
| | | | 3/12/2012 | Lyra's Metamorphosis | Kirdus | >>90707
| | | | 3/13/2012 | The 6th Age: Shadows of Equestria | Tactical!Rainboom | >>90782
| | | | 3/13/2012 | of Steam Gears and Wings | RavensDagger | >>90829
| | | | 3/13/2012 | On the Origins of Equestria | Josef Edwards | >>90862
| | | | 3/14/2012 | Lovebirds | Zay-el | >>90605
| | | | 3/14/2012 | Regina et Equi Nox | NejinOniwa | >>90710
| | | | 3/14/2012 | undecided see post | Jake The Army Colt | >>90882
| | | | 3/14/2012 | Uprising | RaptorSenior | >>91096
| | | | 3/15/2012 | Daring-Do and the Griffon’s Goblet | Sebbaa | >>91144
>> No. 91155
File 133183078134.jpg - (107.44KB , 996x1191 , SMASHING.jpg )
>> No. 91156
File 133183092093.png - (35.68KB , 381x452 , Stormchaser is thinking.png )
Hmmm. Appreciate the review, but the thing is, when I made the framing story shorter, it felt seriously rushed - like I was saying "suddenly, dreamworld!" without sufficient explanation. It didn't sit well with me.

Nonetheless, thanks for reading.
>> No. 91161
Finals week is close enough to over. Time to jump back into things


>>86544 Birthright by Netaro
>>87358 Redemption of the Fireheart by Your Antagonist(VegaKS03)
>>87471 Equestria's Twilight by Sapidus3

I'll try to get them done by a week from today. I printed these out Yay using print balance that will disappear at some point over the next week, plus now I have a decently interesting story about Brony chicken, so if you happen to see this and would like to attempt to decipher my handwriting off the paper, let me know and I'll try to write so it can be read by someone other than me. Also, the reviews will be done at random times over the next couple weeks. Ideally I will get them all done by next Thursday, but no guarantees beyond they will be done eventually.

For queue maintainers, these are lines 16, 22, and 23
>> No. 91165
Title: Twilight of the Rebellion
Author: Dawn Sparkle the Sixth
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: [Crossover][Light Shipping]
Description: In the year X, Ponyville has been decimated by the empire of Equestria, led by King Discord and Queen Celestia of Canterlot. The daughter of Celestia, Twilight, and Ponyville royalty Applejack vow to save Ponyville one day... Now, seven years later, the appearance of a mysterious pink haired pony has thrust Twilight's plan into immediate action as she acquires the "Power of Kings".

Yes, a Code Geass crossover.

Part 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/12oqdfgwv9xROC4x4C1SGY-ULm40GbKkY9uRTI3u6Gko/edit?hl=en_US
Part 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/19b35vp5LPSQLHH4KAdP5knju20hD6z1B7ziiZcO01Rk/edit?hl=en_US

I'd like both chapters reviewed, but reviewing just part 1 is fine.

A quote from Equestria Daily's pre-readers:
"This could use a lot of editing, along with some help setting up the scenes. It has potential, but I would highly recommend taking it over to the ponychan training grounds"

So, basically I'd like assistance with scene set-up as well as some final editing. Any other comments or suggestions are also greatly appreciated.
>> No. 91169
Thank you for claiming my fic :D But just so you know I might be adding a chapter 4 for review provided I work diligently enough. That won't be a problem will it?
>> No. 91182
Thank ye kindly! I needed that review.
>> No. 91186

Thanks man! I did not edit before I put it up on the site but after reading your stuff I have a lot of work to do. Thank you so much!
>> No. 91199
After months of hermitting around, I return to pick up a story, stop playing Minecraft or Monster Hunter 3 for half an hour and review a story. I shall choose... Lovebirds by Zay-el >>90605

Since no one missed me, now's the perfect time to start reading again!

Also, have you seen the size of the queue, I never remember it being that large inb4thatswhatshesaid

Email is [email protected], and I'm GMT+0 (UK)
>> No. 91202
Tags: [Crossover][Comedy][Crossover]

Synopsis: After an accident, a lone Time Lord finds himself mysteriously transported to the land of Equestria. Not only that, but he seems to have transformed into a pony. How peculiar.  What strange adventures will he have in this magical land, and who will he meet?


All I'm asking for is an honest, in depth opinion. As for the reviewer, a Whovian would be preferred, but not mandatory.
>> No. 91221
>> No. 91222
Sorry about mini-response (I'm not too good with image boards).

So what I was going to say was thanks.
Sorry about the grammar in my request, it was late.
I'll be sure to fix the grammar and punctuation problems; some of the formatting changes you suggested I'll consider, but might not change so it matches the first chapter.
Thanks again.
>> No. 91226
I'll take this one. I won't get to it that quickly, but I should have a review posted within a week.
>> No. 91229
Thanks for another review, I'll fix the things you pointed out as best I can, but won't ask you to read this one again. Otherwise you'll end up reviewing it into forever, which I'm sure you wouldn't want to do. I'll touch up the second chapter and tell you when I'm ready.

I know the references may seem to detract from the tone, but I'm not going for a really serious or immersive story, just a light little(opinions may vary) thing I hope will make people laugh. And if anything, these references are just an introduction to the kind of stuff I'm doing later, probably more obvious in chapter 3.

This is a list of a few references I plan on making eventually:
Inspector Gadget (and Doctor Claw).
Portal (eg Saxton [Cave Ivanson] Bale)
Indiana Jones (I had this planned before Daring Do even appeared :\ It involves Nazis)
Police Academy (Palace Academy - Maponey, High Ground, Berry Tack and Winsplough)
Skippy the moon rock. (Trust me, it'll be a very random aside).
Discworld (Can you imagine the Princess and the Patrician having tea together? Because I can. Also Pinkie and Vimes)

I'm not sure which of these you would understand, though. But I'll hopefully be able to write them so understanding the reference would just be extra content and doesn't need 100% of people to get it.

Finally, any suggestions how to spruce the first chapter up? I was thinking Fluttershy being Fluttershy would be enough of a hook, but that's just me. She's so adorable. I was considering making things get a little more... steamy... But its just a shadow D: . I'm an amatuer writing for Luna's sake XD! But yea, I'm accepting suggestions for how to make the scene between her and her shadow HOTTER. :|


Thanks a lot for the continued help, i can't tell you how much it means to me. I think I've improved as a writer with your advice, but I've still got a long way to go. And I'll try to lay off the semi colon abuse :3.
>> No. 91234
Spicing up the beginning doesn't require adding any steam, though you certainly can if you like. It might be cute if she leans in to try a little kiss. But more to the point, I'd more quickly get to her feeling that she's being watched or her fear of her shadow. The first paragraph will draw in Shy fans, but frankly they're likely to read it anyway. You needs to attract the rest.

I'm not sure at this point that the [Comedy] tag works. Aside from the joke references and the absurd premise, the humor is pretty light, and the storyline, particularly that of Shadow, is treated fairly seriously. Seeing that tag, readers will be expecting a steady stream of laugh-out-loud gags. Trust me. I made that mistake once. Only once.

The only ones of those references I wouldn't get are Portal and Skippy. If you like Discworld, try Binky Pie:
>> No. 91246
I recently submitted to eqd, mostly not actually wanting to get in, so much as get a response. I got a reply from them today, so here it is:
Flying High, Falling Hard
Sometimes I wish stories were easier to judge. From a technical standpoint, the story is mostly proficient, just a few errors here and there in each chapter. The writing though is pretty dry, there is a fair amount of telling going on, and it doesnt grab my interest as well as I hoped. I get through a few chapters each time before coming to the conclusion that it's a fairly typical shipping story and that it wouldnt do any good to force myself through the story. I see the potential for the story but its just not living up to it as of yet, I just dont feel the emotion between Dash and Twilight, despite it being there. The telling revolves a lot around character actions and reactions to one another, and its truly the only real issue I could find, the problem is that it permeates throughout the entire story.
>> No. 91247
>a half empty wine glass with a cigarette butt floating in it

Not gonna lie, that hurts. But it's true.

After a whole bunch of working with your comments and tagging problems on my own, though, I found what's missing. Probably. The main conflict. D'oh! All that work to re-organize things and I only left out the whole reason for doing so.

Here it is. Without it, and with severe cuts to the main plot thread since r7 (the one on FiMFic), the queer-angst angle I've been trying to excise came to the top. Angst sucks. Angst even the author doesn't like sucks hard. No wonder you're not having fun, you're not seeing the story I want you to.

Flutter's side
- Flutters hates being infatuated with Dash, since it messes up their friendship and makes her do aggressive things she regrets. She misses the physical intimacy that goes with it, because, well, she's still infatuated. (lol)
- She attempts to shut those feelings down and focus on the action at hand (which needs tuning because it's raw and I suck at action), but ends up drowning in guilt (which is much of the story) and continues to act clingy.
- Alone, she finally feels she can finally shut this damn thing off
- Dash shows up and it turns out she can't
- So she tries really hard anyway
- and Dash finds a loophole so she doesn't have to, thus resolving her problem for her.

Dash's side
- Rarity's acting all weird enlightened-metrosexual
- this touches a sore spot, her asexual angst and she lashes out verbally. Next thing she knows,
- Flutters is running into things, and Rarity's insisting she go apologize
- ends up opening up to Flutters
- who goes crazy out of nowhere
- holy shit, Flutters is gonna get herself killed!
- terrified Dash puts all this complicated bullshit aside and teaches Flutters something she should have a long time ago
(-) still no infatuation, because gray-ace, but damn if she doesn't miss the friendly intimacy, because a snuggly one at that
(-) decides to engage in a little romantic experimentation, puts two and two together
- the thunderstorm thing

Now, do I have to write from Dashie's perspective to get that? Mmm. No. I think I can manage to show everything but the (-) points. The first will just have to wait for the sequel, in which I shall delve into the radically awesome action-packed world seen through her eyes. The second I'll count on the reader inferring.

So, getting those in there will be the main thrust of the next revision, though I'm also making a major cut from the Cloudsdale episode. I feel the first part, which you want to extend into world-building, really distracts from what I need to show: Dash and Flutters earning each other's respect. This "short story" is too long as it is. Goal is 7500 words, ~1500 cut. That one cut alone gets me something like 500 raw, so it's a good start.

Revision after that: improved minor action in dialog scenes ("shuffling" in my jargon), and a good hard look at where how I've folded Fluttershy's opinions feelings and little delusions into the narrative. I plan to take a good long time with this one, and finish with a polishing pass before resubmission. This will probably take a while.

Before any of that, though, I'll clear my claims. Sounds, I love your story. Don't worry about my "queer angst" complaints here; it's present, but doesn't hurt my enjoyment of the story.

So, yes, Swiper, you've been very helpful.
>> No. 91251
I'm sorry, I thought I did post a response. Since I'm new to this whole threading thing perhaps I didn't do it correctly. I'm not sure I'm responding correctly now. I know I posted the story in the wrong place already.
Anyway, to Simon o'Sullivan, thank you very much for your review on my fic, The Manly Man Way. I've taken all you've said into consideration and I have actually done quite a bit of rewriting. I am rather stuck as to how I will rewrite the entire Caramel part which is the overall largest problem with the fic but most of the rest I've fixed. I've completely edited out Rarity's part, though I think I may add it as a sort of bonus chapter since I believe it will actually make since after the rest of the story is told. Unfortunately I don't have any pertinent questions that come to mind since that was a while ago and I've been surprisingly busy during the last three weeks. Thank you again for the review, it has been most helpful, and I am gong to finish improving this fic as soon as I figure out a better scene with Caramel. Or should I just edit him out entirely? Hmm...
>> No. 91255

Oh dear. This makes things tricky.

My first impression (grabbed a copy of the FiMFiction ebook and read it) is similar on the conceptual plane. It's a very competent story, perhaps without the pyrotechnics I'm drawn to write myself.

But well-executed competence beats my overambitious flailing, so I'm excited to work on something that's a bit above my current level. I actually didn't have any problem with the prose myself, but if that's the direction you need to go...

You've mentioned Romance Reports as an inspiration, yes? One of the things I most admire in that fic is the quality of the description. How do you feel about analyzing its descriptions?

(Obligatory caution to third parties. RR features descriptions of everything from standing outside in a snowstorm to getting very thoroughly laid, and isn't suitable for sensitive audiences.)

At first glance I notice three things
- present tense (though you don't have to copy it, it does seem to make writing description easier)
- economy of movement
- new set-piece, object, or character takes focus? Little burst of description.

The usual advice is to constantly ask yourself sense questions. In the first chapter, you have Twi open the door with a singed mane? What does that look, sound, smell, feel like? Why don't you mention the smell?

I didn't realize that until I looked, though. This is going to be a lot of work, but potentially very rewarding. On the whole, I think a simple plot beautifully told is better than the opposite.

Further reading: http://www.engl.niu.edu/wac/descr_how.html

Also, my plans for FoF? Just changed. I'm not gonna accept my current level of skill any longer.
>> No. 91261
Bookmarked that link, and I'll try to go through and be a bit more colorful and less dry with my writing.

I guess, when I started writing, I had a very good beginners grasp on dialogue, which led to people liking the story despite its other shortcomings. But I think I was overly scared into having dirty and simplistic prose, since I had read so much advice on dirtying up your prose, keeping your writing simple, and avoiding sounding 'writerly', that I wound up sounding like a robot instead.
>> No. 91264
Hehe, don't worry about it, image boards do take some getting used to. More importantly, should you need my help for future chapters or any general advice, feel free to ask. Good luck!
>No pic because I'm playing Dragon Age and this is my steam browser.
>> No. 91275


Oh my goodness reviewerintraining, I... I thank you and as I read this over I'll will and ready to have your support and to go along with you. Believe it or not I was starting to think I had been forgotten and well...

-hugs you greatly-

I am honestly weeping.

Thank you.

Now I'm going to read the review fully threw first

PS: Magik is just a habit of spelling for me. I got into it spelling it three different ways as a kid, being magic, magik, and Magika. Sorry if that a confusing point. I'm also Canadian, but thanks again for posting the review. -goes back to reading.
>> No. 91276
Yay, you're alive. Now that you've partially confirmed your review, that means I can keep going, right? It feels nice to get a response from authors. :D
>> No. 91280
By definition yes, also check to see if it works on Documents now that you can actually comment on it and all that, though I will not be up and run for much longer tonight.

Anyway, Honestly man, I had given up all hope on a reviewer, since well Warden said he couldn't do it and I was... well fuck... scared shitless. I grew a pair, sucked it up, and kept writing, and I hope I can rely on you for a good and through bashing of a review.

Again thank you, and I greatly appreciate the help and support.

PS if you can't get comments on, send me an email at my email address and I'll set it up more appropriately okay? Had the same problem with Warden since this is my first time with GoogleDocuments...
>> No. 91282
It's probably too late to say this by now but when I made the claim post, I meant to say "The author has been very patient."

Instead, I said "impatient" which changes the meaning of the sentence entirely. My apologies.

Anyway, comments are now enabled so I'll take a look at your story tomorrow. Since it's the weekend, I should have some free time. Take care and keep writing!

(I meant that as a general phrase, not this particular story. I still have to finish it first, silly)
>> No. 91286
Thanks for the review Pascoite, sorry for the long delay, internet troubles and distractions.

Not much to say, except that it's crazy how many professional authors use comma splices, it ruins my habits.
>> No. 91289
Title: A dragon's breath (should the title be capitalised or not?)

Author: Zixinus

[email protected] (please use this, I'm not sure how to use ponychan)

Tags: Adventure, Comady, Normal (I THINK those are the proper tags)

Description: A mysterious letter from the Princess sends Twilight, Spike and the rest of the Mane 6 through a dangerous journey in the Everfree Forest. Their destination? A spot that none of them knew about, in the wild region of a nearby mountainside. Their path is more dangerous than they realize and what's more, Spike is pushed into introspection as to what a dragon is doing among ponies.

Link to story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/12090/A-dragon%27s-breath

I'd like the only chapter currently published, Chapter 1, to be reviewed please.

Pre-reader's comments: [List of Issues]

1) Author's notes belong at the end of the story, not beginning.

2) Flat writing. She did this. This happened. Then that happened. She had apples. It imparts information, but is not good with scene setting, nor is it terribly interesting. It isn't drawing me into the story.

3) Awkward phrasings. Glancing over to a bookshelf isn't 'panicked' at all, also.

In a panicked reaction she glanced over the bookshelves.

4) Grammar. 'a sidegrowth' not 'an sidegrowth'
5) You're putting too many things in parenthesis, and it is disrupting the flow of the story. If you wish to impart that information, you need to include it in regular text somehow.
6) Comma neglect. "Of course Twilight!" needs a comma after course.

Own comments: Yesterday, I was strongly tempted to just delete anything and everything related to the fanfic. Of course, that would be just silly but when I looked at these problems I was either confused or just went "I have no idea how to fix that!". I'd like to note that I do NOT blame my pre-reader however. It's just a bit distress at what I thought was a done chapter.
I'd like Umbra to review my story (as the problems are mostly grammatical/technical) but I'd appreciate any reviewer. Regardless, I'd especially appreciate any pointed resources that may help me fix the specific problems with the story and in the future.

I apologise if this is the wrong thread. I'm a bit confused as to how ponychan works. I'm used to php forum boards.
>> No. 91292
All rules have been broken by professional writers at some point. The keys to doing so are:
1. Make sure you have a good reason for doing so, like creating effect, keeping an informal mood, or avoiding an unwieldy construct of what would be correct.
2. Impress the reader enough with your writing and other mechanics that he doesn't notice rule violations, or will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you did it intentionally.
3. For the most part, do it sparingly. Again, much rule-breaking is done for effect. Do it too often, and it loses its punch.

I mark errors to make sure you know they're wrong and why. It's up to you whether to change them or not. I put some in my own writing. Every writer does. In the end, you have to make something that satisfies you, not me. I'm almost as wary of those writers that take all my suggestions as those who take very few. If you change something until I think it's perfect, the next reviewer won't.

IMO, however, comma splices are never necessary.
Nobody speaks like that, they just think they do.
Nobody speaks like that; they just think they do.
One is correct and the other is not, but you'd say them identically.

Very good story, though. It's one of the few that I don't have to read the synposis again to refresh my memory of which one it was. Fics that stick with me that long go in my favorites list, if it were posted on FiMFiction.net.
>> No. 91294
>Nobody speaks like that, they just think they do.
Nobody speaks like that—they just think they do.
>> No. 91304
I didn't even see the claims post man.

so I don't mind at all
>> No. 91314
Yes, I didn't mean to indicate that was the only way to fix a comma splice. Just saying that it doesn't make sense to me not to fix them, but there are plenty of people who don't.
>> No. 91319
Yeah, I see what you're going for now. I guess you still need to revise it a lot to get all that across.

r.e. World-building, the thing is: Good world-building is something that enhances the overall feeling and emotion of the characters. At least... I think that happens. That way, instead of saying something like: "Fluttershy was feeling even more wary than usual." you can say something like: "Fluttershy placed her hoof against the dusty window, rubbing it down slowly as the grime ran up her leg." or something... showing emotions more in actions and less in just bland 'tell-y' descriptions...

Anyways, glad to help!
>> No. 91325
File 133193691839.png - (91.98KB , 300x300 , 131713578752.png )
I have this strange feeling that Tandyman has forgotten about leaving his fic here. Great.

Tandyman, if you can read this, I'm not going to continue unless you respond.

James, sorry for taking so long, I'll have something in your email soon.

Peace, and much love to ya'.
>> No. 91365
Bam. Crosspost.

A Cloud Divided


Recent advances in the study of Equestrian history have lead to a breakthrough series of discoveries regarding the world before the era of the three tribes. The story of Equestria as we know it begins with the fall of the Western Powers, a cataclysmic chain of events set into motion by the ancient predecessor of Cloudsdale's re-enternce into the world stage, due to the war known to the ponies on the ground as the War of Southern Treason, but known to the Pegasus of Cloudsdale as the War of Cloudsdale's Division.

Folder: https://docs.google.com/#folders/0B4NYINW8ltDEMDhjMTI4OWUtNjJjYi00NWRhLTg5M2ItZGUyZDhlODZlMzNl
Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ReWprbugdkUw3sAzdYusGN_7EEKVeLwOPsCrrgaDkJo/edit
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v_pwuQH5OU8-XNIn3PVcWwKMwud2tynwkcjvVrKzBp4/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ldEhQxZZIGySxdkXo8qFX1Ug3vfZALo8Ia2MUid_sFU/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1PHqycCHoVB8qCnwhdBW9Tc8VxRwaEPoqhgylCfjfEJU/edit
Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10N3YasPkBUl5RbOMV8RxokXZO1win3l-osSII0wYioA/edit

My native dialect is Midwestern American English.

Words/Chapter Breakdown:
Prologue: 454
1: 9839
2: 5219
3: 2869
4: 4659
Feel free to stop wherever you deem necessary.

Previous Reviews with revision log:
Chapter 1 written
Chapter 2, 3, 4 written
Dialogue revised, chapter 4 heavily revised
Prologue rewritten
Prologue completely rewritten
Livestream Review by I_Post_Ponies

Previous Submission (also has pre-reader comments):

What I'm concerned about is: Framing, dialogue and phrasing and the pony names. I need better puns for the pony names. Finally, I'd like to know your opinion on whether I should split the first chapter in half since it's twice as long as the others.

This story is also being reviewed by MaskOfData, (>>88744) however he has only left three comments on chapter one and has not responded to my post asking if he was still reviewing it as of the time of posting. (>>89889)
>> No. 91377
Title: "Rarity's Vacation From Herself"

Tags: Slice of Life, Romance

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IjqsCeD2dIXCd-SlLTvtq8tmJJSgL-o9iGX0AHNyCzw/edit

Synopsis: Twilight promises Rarity that a new, experimental spell will make her stronger, smarter, and faster. It works! Yet Rarity wakes up the next morning only to discover a strange side effect. She looks in the mirror and sees a... he. Twilight sheepishly suggests that Rarity enjoy this "vacation from herself" and wait until the spell undoes itself, a full week later.

He calls this new male self 'Purity', and he pretends to be Rarity's cousin, helping out after Rarity left for a sudden business trip. Purity tries to keep things quiet, and he goes about life as normally as possible. However, a new body means new... urges. Purity struggles to keep himself off of his old friends. He also must deal with a new customer named Blackberry, just coming in from Hoofington, that falls head-over-hooves in love with him. Blackberry feels rather weirded out, since he's only been into mares before, but Purity seems just so elegant as well as so incredibly beautiful. Purity can't seem to help himself from falling into the same trap. Can Purity keep his relationship with his friends from turning into something pervy? Can Purity tell Blackberry the truth? What will happen when the seven days run up?

Note: Applejinx looked through this character-wise and thought that it looks solid enough. I guess I'd like a general review. Thanks.
>> No. 91379
I asked for a bit of clarification from EqD since some of the wording in the first response was a bit ambiguous. Have a more detailed pre-readers comment:
response response

What makes it typical? Well you said it yourself, you've taken a "very standard simple shipping premise" and for a good chunk of the story thats what it is, but being typical is not really the problem, merely the result of how the story plays out. The start of Dash's relationship with Twilight just happens, not seemingly as a result of their years of being friends (although it certainly plays a part) but because it finally dawns on Dash that Twilight is fun to be around and she wants to take it further. Dash wants to fall for Twilight just as much as the story wants her to, it's that "perfect scenario" that makes it typical in regards to so many other stories, the characters involved fall in love because that's how it's supposed to play out but the story has yet to explore (or just show signs off) the deeper reasoning, the conflict of interests, or just conflict in general that the characters deal with in regard to their relationship (while your story does address this, its a case of too little, too late). That is what allows readers to make that connection with the characters, it's what makes it real.

Now, my apologies that the second statement you quoted appeared ambigious, it was not my intent. What I meant was as you said, the amount of telling versus showing in the story kept me from making that connection with Dash and Twilight, despite everything they go through and everything they feel for each other being described to me, it didnt engage me, it didnt paint a picture so much as listing each thing as it happens.

So yes you are correct, the telling is the only real issue the writing suffers from, going back and subsituting that with more descriptive writing will help a lot. Do that and the story ceases to be typical. Considering the length of the piece, i'd focus most towards the beginning (the first three or four chapters), the beginning is pivotal for establishing interest in readers, that and trying to work on the entire thing at once could be difficult.
so... maybe forget what I said about the early chapters being fine. Apparently I somewhat missed what I needed to do when I rewrote them.
>> No. 91380
This looks pretty interesting. I'll go ahead and look through it.
>> No. 91385

I also have to add that EqD is making their canonicity requirements more stringent. Since you're not there yet, you don't get grandfathered and thus the Best Young Flier chapter may be a problem.

As I understand it, if you deviate from canon, you're supposed to introduce that deviation early as part of the setting, a la [alternate universe] tag. So r63 is okay, Divergence wouldn't be rejected on canon grounds (HAH!), etc. But where you keep the rest of the M6 home out of convenience so it can be nice neat TwiDash bonding time... I can see problems with that. (And Flutters doesn't go? lowut?)

Anyway, here's what's up with me:

I took today for my own writing, specifically the show / tell issue. I'm still learning, myself, so you'll want another opinion, at some point. Here's what I wrote >>91359

Like I mention there, that was written longhand. You might want to give it a shot if you usually compose on a keyboard. I think it makes a difference for me, and plan to kill some more trees for a while.

Tomorrow, I plan to wrap up my comments on Kindle, then I'll start in on your current Ch. 1.
>> No. 91386
Uh... I'm really sorry since I just started looking at this just a little while ago but...

Well, I... I liked the general idea from the synopsis. When I started reading, I felt like just Wile E. Coyote running face first into a brick wall. I kept on reading, and that just made it worse. I still don't get what you're trying to go for, even though I've looked at it again and again. This is one of the most confusing things that I've ever read. I don't get anything. I don't get the characters, the location, the motivation, or anything else.

I don't want to drop this story. But you either need to totally revise the beginning of chapter one, or else give me some kind of detailed plot summary, or something. I'm too confused to keep reading.
>> No. 91387
I guess I am dropping it. Again, I'm sorry. I'm just... yeah. I'm too confused.
>> No. 91493
File 133202645536.gif - (1.99MB , 432x346 , nigel-gif-10.gif )
>needing acknowledgement:3


Sparky | >>88703 | 3/4/2012 | | 2/16/2012 | Azurite Dawn | Tandyman100 | >>84726
Eustatian | >>89096 | 3/5/2012 | | 2/19/2012 | Contact: Apple Harvest | Ty500600 | >>85571
Ion-Sturm | >>89233 | 3/6/2012 | | 3/5/2012 | protectorate | hobrohazard | >>88930


Seattle_Lite | | | | 2/12/2012 | From Canterlot with Love | Sagebrush | >>83644
Exarona | | | | 2/16/2012 | My Choices: Twisted Tales Through Time | Koolerkid | >>84836
Cartoongeld | | | | 2/23/2012 | Birthright | Netaro | >>86544
brokenimage321 | | | | 2/26/2012 | A New Mare | Charcoal Quill | >>87199
Cartoongeld | | | | 2/27/2012 | Redemption of the Fireheart | Your Antagonist (VegaKS03) | >>87358
Cartoongeld | | | | 2/27/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>87471
TheGreatandPowerful!Trixie | | | | 2/28/2012 | The Fixers | Kyrie Illumina | >>87702
Pascoite | | | | 3/4/2012 | Dear Princess Celestia, | brokenimage321 | >>88753
AidanMaxwell | | | | 3/11/2012 | Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is | SpilledInk | >>90503
Arcanus Brighthorn | | | | 3/12/2012 | Forever Classic | Impossible Numbers | >>90606
CaptainSteve | | | | 3/14/2012 | Lovebirds | Zay-el | >>90605


| | | | 2/20/2012 | The Carnival of Chaos Chapter 2 | Dext | >>85808
| | | | 2/23/2012 | Termina's Final Twilight | Foursword4 | >>86531
| | | | 2/29/2012 | Out of Context | Nuke_Equestria | >>87788
| | | | 2/29/2012 | The Pony Scrolls: Nightfall | Storywrite | >>88009
| | | | 3/1/2012 | Millennium Eclipse | Lucky Stampede | >>88110
| | | | 3/2/2012 | The Conversion Bureau : The Untold Story | Shader | >>87789
| | | | 3/2/2012 | Silence is Bittersweet | Truehearted | >>88378
| | | | 3/3/2012 | Finding The Answers | Nesstrodamus | >>88489
| | | | 3/3/2012 | My Little Pony: The Glowmelon Mystery | Legendary Emerald | No-post
| | | | 3/3/2012 12 | Pinkie Pie's Wonderful Flying Machine | OmegaPony11 | >>88537
| | | | 3/4/2012 | Fluttershy's Little Secret | Masem | >>88694
| | | | 3/5/2012 | Spitfire Meets Twilight | Dracoliat | >>88858
| | | | 3/5/2012 | What the Future Holds | OmniscientTurtle | >>90686
| | | | 3/6/2012 | Word of Malice | Twisted Night | >>89179
| | | | 3/6/2012 | Redstreak Jack: Orchards of Time (unpublished) | Impossible Numbers | >>89180
| | | | 3/6/2012 | I Don't Hurt Anymore | Ciero989 | >>89390
| | | | 3/7/2012 | As of yet Untitled Luna X Celestia | Rex Ivan | >>89423
| | | | 3/7/2012 | Resonance of Chaos | Broznik | >>89064
| | | | 3/9/2012 | The Fall of The First Lunar Republic | Bpendragon | >>90143
| | | | 3/10/2012 | Javelin | McPoodle | >>88583
| | | | 3/10/2012 | Banishment Decree | Chuckfinley | >>90080
| | | | 3/11/2012 | Equestria's First Human | Ceehoff | >>90437
| | | | 3/12/2012 | Lyra's Metamorphosis | Kirdus | >>90707
| | | | 3/13/2012 | The 6th Age: Shadows of Equestria | Tactical!Rainboom | >>90782
| | | | 3/13/2012 | of Steam Gears and Wings | RavensDagger | >>90829
| | | | 3/13/2012 | On the Origins of Equestria | Josef Edwards | >>90862
| | | | 3/14/2012 | Regina et Equi Nox | NejinOniwa | >>90710
| | | | 3/14/2012 | undecided see post | Jake The Army Colt | >>90882
| | | | 3/14/2012 | Uprising | RaptorSenior | >>91096
| | | | 3/15/2012 | Daring-Do and the Griffon’s Goblet | Sebbaa | >>91144
| | | | 3/15/2012 | Twilight of the Rebellion | Dawn Sparkle | >>91165
| | | | 3/15/2012 | Pertinacity | FlutterBOSS | >>91152
| | | | 3/16/2012 | A dragon's breath | Zixinus | >>91289
| | | | 3/16/2012 | Rarity's Vacation From Herself | SwiperTheFox | >>91377
| | | | 3/16/2012 | A Cloud Divided | Dromer | >>91365
| | | | 3/17/2012 | The Doctor's Arrival | ThatFriendlyBronie | >>91202
>> No. 91498
Did you read the prologue? I've been having issues with it appearing and disappearing.
>> No. 91504
Title: The Master of Shadows
Author: Pjabrony
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: [Grimdark][Fantasy][Adventure]

Summary:When the Equestrian border is crossed by murderous enemies, it's up to Princess Luna to organize the defense. But the invaders have the magical ability to disguise themselves as the loved ones of the native ponies, and they are led by a demon bent on destruction. Can the love of the two sisters save Equestria?

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11605/The-Master-of-Shadows

Chapters: All (1-5)

I appreciate the review. This is the third fic I completed. I am looking to see if I have any talent at all as a writer. ;) While I'll appreciate any comments possible, I'm particularly interested in knowing if the story makes sense and can be followed, and if it's "pony enough."
>> No. 91507
Title: Pinkie Pie Plays Russian Roulette

Tags: Dark, Comedy

Link: http://poni.0au.de/story/15052/Pinkie-Pie-Plays-Russian-Roulette

Synopsis: Pinkie Pie plays the ultimate party game...

Readers be warned...
>> No. 91511

I'm actually already reviewing/editing this story, but do jump in if interested.
>> No. 91552
It looks pretty good. The beginning, no offense, sucked. I tried to figure out the POV for a while, but it got straightened out rather quickly, but you should still fix it. Your style got progressively better throughout the fic, but you should lighten up a bit when writing dialodue. Feel free to take a few liberties with your capitalization and punctuation in dialogue for the sake of better style, more realistic speach, or a smoother read. You had one or two minor recurring errors, but it's cleaner than most of the stuff I've reviewed (admittedly I haven't been reviewing for long). In any case, I went line by line in a GDoc. Enjoy: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15sG0y9sdjoXSq1hMu2HIta_vovTDJOSY9PHPBE92w4A/edit#.
>> No. 91566
Tags: [Shipping] [Comedy]

Synopsis: A young, ambitious scholar finds himself in the middle of Bon-Bon's matchmaking schemes.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZkMDVTVEL2h79GZn7GdDXkjjZs1II38wUp5PTPwURks/edit
>> No. 91571
File 133207726214.png - (235.50KB , 656x384 , applepie.png )
Tags: [SAD], [ROMANCE]

Synopsis: Into the darkness she falls, hair swept high by the cruel hand which guides her. A drab world in her vision, a world of depression in which she now lives. In the hoof of another she walks into the light, in the love of another she feels the sun's warmth. Only with them can she live again, only with them is the world bearable. This is the journey of seeing the world once again, and the faithful companion who allows this to happen

Chapter1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1g96wBPvKomv8z2p7e9dZr0BsHQEjgy64P58W2Dg-sdw/edit
Chapter2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xIRGnYAnr4OYKyftMPbE0fa-_J0DGlBm0aNcE-Qt3DE/edit

EQD pre-reader said:
There are some issues with the content itself that hamper the delivery of the premise - namely the overwrought nature of Applejack's accent (very egregious), and the overly permeating nature of the depression following Granny's death. I understand that is most likely a contentionable objection, but the completely overdone moroseness of the situation and all-consuming description focusing on the same sentiment for the duration of the first part of the story makes the attempt at emotion feel very overdone. That's a point to be left up to your personal consideration, but in the meantime the spelling and grammar corrections (mostly dialogue, missing apostrophes and commas, things which could easily be caught in a revision or two) are necessary, and from there the larger thematic concerns can be considered. I also found it a tad off-putting that once Applejack's depression is established, it's not characterized very well beyond simply referring to it - in an attempt to establish an emotional narrative, there is a middle ground between constant reference and half-hearted allusion, and finding that balance can be difficult, but rewarding once it is located.

This story has been edited since the upload to EQD but I'd prefer an opinion first as I'm still not happy with it.
>> No. 91572
Because you gotta go fast, so screw claiming first and stuff like that. Also DOCTORS! Fancy things.

First I'll address the bad, because nobody would listen to me in writing college when I started going into CORRECTION mode. So I'm repressed. Eh.
More to the point, I need to get you down on the ground before I can hoist you up to where I think you should be.

>hurtling forward at close to the speed of light.
"At close" reads badly. It's not so much a fault, but it's jarring to my ears and eyes anyway. Consider editing it.

>Everything was enveloped in a brilliant white light, blinding the Doctor in mere moments. Then everything faded.
SUDDENLY ITALICS. Why? I really can't see any reason to go italic here, and it really confuses the reader. Change it back.

>But it is possible that some quantum interaction could have allowed the energy to hit… but that’s just a theory.
Either you forgot to put this in italics, or you just failed the tense randomly. Fix it.
>The Doctor lie
>(he always had been bad with time…)
Why the ellipsis? It's perfectly good without it, but this just looks ugly.
>Strange… I’m not in the Tardis anymore.
>Why am I naked?
The separation of these two makes for a really awkward read. Since the last time you used that separator was when the Doctor fell unconscious, it confuses the hell out of me. And they don't need separation, seeing as they (from what I can tell) are supposedly simultaneous. Write them together, pair them up. But at least, fix the separator, because that's just bad.
>Ireland green
I've only recently had this phenomenon-or-whatnot described to me, but if I'd read this two days ago I wouldn't have understood it properly. You might want to detail this a bit more if you want optimal carrying of the image. It reads pretty good, though, so you could keep it.
>Oh my… Well…This is new…
You seem to be VERY fond of ellipses, my dear. Spamming them reduces their effect, and pairing them together 3 in a row like that just looks stupid.
My point stands. On the other hand:
>“Eep! I mean, um… hello? Who goes there?”
Now THAT's a good ellipse. Single use, properly handled.
Moving on, I'll skip over the rest of the ellipsis issues - there are lots of them and the fault is sort of petty, so I'll leave them out of here to save space.
>With her help, the Doctor finally managed to get onto his fee- Er… no, not feet. Hooves.
All this is supposedly narration, yet it feels like it's part mixed up with thoughts. Give it a look.
>the Doctor started galloping down the road
I thought he only recently had gotten the hang of walking on four legs? Oh, whatever. I can give you the suspension of disbelief on this one.

NOW: The good stuff.
The doctor is, for the most part, brilliantly written - especially in the later parts when he starts kicking into proper speed.
Aside from the ellipse epilepsy you have very few/next to zero grammar problems, and no spelling ones either. This is vital here, seeing as the Doctor is a Very Intelligent character and if written like a 12-year old he'd just sound stupid and pretentious. Zecora's rhyming is also handled well, which is something not all authors can do.
With the TARDIS' disappearance and the curious conditions of how the Doctor gets into Equestria, you draw a lot of interest pretty quickly - which gives you time to characterize. The whole "end of a galaxy" thing is a good start as well, because let's face it - giant explosions (and black hole thingies too) are awesome.

I'd like to point at one thing, though. You start off being very scientific about things, and then trail off rather quickly as you get into pony mode. Explainable, of course, but your introduction to the Doctor's narrative gives expectations that sort of go askew as the chapter goes on. With only a single chapter out it's hard to say anything definitive, of course, but you might want to think about that image and how you want it.

Speaking of narration, the part where you just sort of floated into Zecora narrating was a bit weird. It worked since that was the only thing she narrated, and it would've gotten plenty more weird if you had done separations for it or whatnot, but please keep it in mind when you do further chapters. Narration is one of the cores of all prose, and if you start muddling it without reason, it gets bad very fast.

Anyway, I'll give this a 7/10 for now. It's good and it's interesting, the grammar is good and the characters are very well done. As a rather experienced Whovian I have no problems whatsoever with your Doctor, liking him quite a lot, and you make the best out of your Zecora as well.
However, it has its share of errors that need fixing to be optimal, and the single chapter is a bit too short to build up any greater amounts of tension, plot or expectation than what you manage. It's a good introductory chapter - not spectacular, but definitely one that serves its purpose. It wouldn't be an instant /track for me since I don't know enough of where it's going to get that awesome feeling out of it, but since I've reviewed it I'm going to anyway just to see how this turns out - I get the feeling that the second chapter will give a definite answer on whether this is a hit or miss.

All in all, good job on this fic, will watch for more.
>> No. 91593
File 133208903790.jpg - (177.82KB , 840x473 , Icarus Cover Art.jpg )

I have a slightly unusual request, regarding my story, Icarus. I went through it very thoroughly here with Dublio and Ezn, and a very good job they did too. It is now completely published on Fimfiction, and even got a 6-star rating on EQD, which was completely unexpected.

Is it too much to ask perhaps for some post-publishing reviewing? Basically, it was my first attempt at a longer story, and I'm analysing how well the plot played out. A number of comments highlight that readers had hoped for something longer and more epic than what I wrote, complaining that it ended too fast. I put this down to my relative inexperience with writing longer stories, it's not so much that I ran out of steam but I just didn't consider the fact that it could go on longer.

So, if anypony is willing, I'd really love if anyone wanted to read it through - it's 20k words - and maybe give me some thoughts on the plot and characters and pacing. It's already published so nothing will change, but if anypony was willing I'd be hugely grateful and it would really help me develop, and hopefully we can see if I have improved when it comes to my next longer story.

You can either message me on Fimfiction, or through my email link at the top of this post.

Fimfiction link here.

by Tamar
Adventure, Light Shipping
It's the beginning of summer, and it seems as if nothing can possibly ruin Twilight's day with her friends. Then, without warning, Equestria is enveloped in a thick, mysterious fog. Rainbow Dash races to Cloudsdale to find the source of the problem, leaving her friends to worry for her safety and struggling to cope in Ponyville. Nothing can prepare Rainbow for what she finds in Cloudsdale, and things go from bad to worse when Twilight receives urgent news from Canterlot about Princess Celestia...
>> No. 91595
>>87789 Claiming "The Conversion Bureau - The Untold Story" by Shader. I'll comment on the docs, then put up my thoughts here.
>> No. 91599
This is the second time I've seen this happen. Vim needs a new, less obvious trip.
>> No. 91603
This is my review for The Conversion Bureau: The Untold Story.

Mechanically this is very well written. Clearly you have a good grasp of the English language and how it works, which is always good for a writer. There were one or two errors with apostrophes, though they could have been typos I may as well be thorough.
-"it" doesn't take an apostrophe when it is possessive, so you'd say "run its course". It does take an apostrophe when you're shortening it from "it is", though.
-A word which is both plural and possessive isn't wrong, but it looks a bit cumbersome. So instead of "the general masses' thick skulls", you could say "the thick skulls of the general masses".
You clearly have a very defined voice for your narrator, and it's consistent - except the use of the word "arse" - I think "ass" would fit better, given it seems to be an american voice. I'm English, I say arse, but if I was writing in an american voice I'd say ass. Another thing to flag up is your sentence structure. Again, because you have quite a defined narrator's voice you can get away with some things in regard to sentence structures that aren't perfectly correct, but there is a limit. Sometimes the sentences, even if they'd make sense out loud, need to be fleshed out a little more when written down. Usually a sentence needs a verb; while we often speak in sentences without verbs (eg "Awesome time yesterday") it doesn't look so right written down. Because of your narrative voice it's usually not a problem, but if there's a question of whether or not it makes sense, err on the side of grammatical correctness to be clear for the reader. There were a couple of sentences where I couldn't really figure out what you meant, though if they were said out loud the tone of voice would make it clear. All the sentences I'm thinking of I flagged up in comments.
Mechanically that's about it. I won't call myself an expert, and you may find people could get upset about comma position, but I found nothing offensive that couldn't be put down to a typo.

As for the story, it's between two OC's so there's not much for me to say as regards characterisation, other than that they're pretty consistent. Well done.

As for storyline; I think it reads well as an introduction to the full work - but I hope you don't mind if I don't read it! War in Equestria is not my cup of tea. But in terms of story, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by your comments in the original submission - but that is probably because I only got to see a little bit of it. I'm sure it would all be more clear in the overall story.

From what there is so far, I think it's interesting, gripping, and makes me want to know more - even though I actually don't since we've established I'm firmly determined to keep war in Equestria out of my head! The narrative voice is consistent and mature and the characterisation is also consistent.

As always no reviewer is authoritative, so you can disagree with me, or resubmit if you like.
>> No. 91604
Claiming these.
>> No. 91614
File 133210021134.png - (34.87KB , 193x193 , 131699923330.png )
>> No. 91617
File 133210056834.jpg - (32.96KB , 500x500 , lyra-mother-of-god-right.jpg )
>> No. 91626

I'm just posting this as a reminder for all you reviewers out there!
>> No. 91646
A small update on who'd I'd like to review the thing:
could Dublio give it a try? But really, I'd be happy if anyone gave it a go and help me fix this thing up.
>> No. 91648

Sure, I'll give it a whirl. Claiming this story. :D
>> No. 91656
File 133211684819.jpg - (19.06KB , 350x231 , 52733.jpg )

Just a quick reminder. This is NOT a trollfic, no matter how many people think that it is.
>> No. 91657
File 133211687402.png - (28.08KB , 309x425 , Sum_Pony_charge.png )
Silence is Bittersweet | Truehearted | >>88378

Time is short, so I'm going to try something I've never done before: I'm going to review this chapter 4, as requested, for its style and mechanics, without reading the previous chapters. For character development and exposition, I'm going to play detective and try to deduce as much as possible from what's in it.
>> No. 91666
Thank you for claiming! I appreciate everyone who has had input on this story so far.
>> No. 91678
File 133212327718.jpg - (280.46KB , 700x700 , com__pilgrim12345_by_kapieren-d3inieq.jpg )
Line-by-line's in-doc

The number one issue I have with your story is the amount of things I can't critique. You skip out on a lot of detail. You just tell us and expect us to imagine what is going on. Use more description, especially when there's extravagance involved. Blueblood isn't one to be humble. Describe in more detail, and don't gloss over things.

Second, you need to have your editors run through this a couple more times. I saw stuff like missing possessive apostrophes, homonym abuse, and general misspellings as well as numerous awkward sentences.

Third, it needs to be written as 'Of Steam Gears and Wings'. First word in a title is always capitalised. And use a different typesetting for it, please.

Finally, consolidate your paragraphs. It's very choppy the way it is written and that breaks flow immensely.


This feels more like steampunk than dieselpunk. Let's look at the major themes present in the story:

Imperialism (Steampunk)
Monarchy (VERY Steampunk)
Grand scale and dirigibles (Can go either way)
Implied mercantilism (Steampunk)
Planes (Dieselpunk)
Small middle class (Steampunk)
Huge slums and the direct effects of industrialization (Steampunk)
Down-on-their luck protagonist with only a ship to their name (Can go either way, but mostly dieselpunk)
Lots of air-to-air combat (Dieselpunk)
Megacorporations (Dieselpunk)
Development of new technology (Can go either way)
Pistols (which I'm going to assume are single shot) (Steampunk)
French people leading revolutions (Steampunk)
Elements of film noir and grey-and-grey morality (Dieselpunk)
Militarism (More steampunk than dieselpunk, but can go either way)

So that's 7 distinctly Steampunk themes and 4 distinctly Dieselpunk elements, with 4 that can go either way. Compounded to this is the fact that you said your story was based on 1940s culture, which was VERY different from the Steampunk ideals listed above. Monarchy and totalitarianism had been abolished because of the war. The middle class was a growing social entity and part of the lure of the USA. People were beginning to realise that imperialism was a bad thing, unless you were 'making the world safe for democracy'. This is a far cry from your story. In fact, I forgot that it WAS dieselpunk until you pointed it out.

This is very related to your telling problem. The entire story lacks a 'feel' to it, because the main way of expressing character through narrative is gone when you just say, 'It was a big ball. It was really cool.' Second, use indirect narration instead of thoughts. It's simpler and doesn't break the flow. Make the characters and world pop by adding in more details, like 'the room smelled so heavily of smoke that anypony who walked in would go into a coughing fit' or 'the ball was an opulent occasion that could only be outshone by the demonstration that was to follow. The buffet had sixty kinds of salad, fifty-nine of which were not native to Equestria.' That shows style, and that's what makes a great story great.

How to fix it:
Read through this and add much more description to it. Typically every time there is a to be verb (is, was, would, etc.) you can add more description. Give the story some flair. Let the characters show through the word selection in the story. For example, Blueblood would describe his party using grandiose terms, but Scoots would use sentimental and crude ways of describing things, often resulting to using analogies between ponies and various types of vermin.

While I'm not going to force you to be all dieselpunk all the time, I'd recommend finding what themes you like and committing to them.

Right now the Imperial force feels like the Second Reich, which would make Blueblood Kaiser Wilhelm II, considering his interest in hegemony and building a fleet. What's odd is the fact that the Second Reich didn't have a unique uprising. (There was the Liberal stuff and the jockeying between the monarchy and the legislative body, but that was happening in almost every nation at the time) Make of it what you will.
>> No. 91680
File 133212467614.png - (23.66KB , 295x374 , Sum_Pony_dunno.png )
My shorthand, just in case because I had to use it a lot: http://bit.ly/yh3x1g
TL/DR from a technical standpoint it’s a mess. I had a field day. But seriously, proofread your work before asking for a review next time. That, in addition to how you have what smacks of Sue-dom in this story, compelled me to stop. I say this because Acoustiana seems like a sort of blank slate character. We see very little of her own emotions, while every other characters’ behavior and emotion just sort of focus on her because she’s so much of a talented musician that everything must revolve around her.

> magical and brute force methods of styling her friends mane.
Subtle error here: “brute force” is not a modifier because “force” is a noun. You hence must use “bruteforce” or “brute-force” the way you used “tangle-monster” in the previous sentence.

> Pastel and Ray had grown especially close to Acoustiana.
Since Ray doesn’t appear to be in this passage, this seems like an awkward way of including him in this statement as another person who’d grown close to the protagonist (I’m assuming it to be Acoustiana). I’d say use an interruptive, i.e. “Pastel, as well as Ray, had grown...”

> Acoustiana remembered how she even for a time, worried that the two where more than just friends, but when Hearts and Hooves day had arrived, she was ashamed to admit she was pleased to hear Pastel didn’t have any plans, and certainly none with Ray.
This one of those extremely troublesome sentences I see only once in a blue moon. TL/DR rethink what you want to say here, and split it into two sentences.

The remark I so often make, and I believe it applies here, is that you changed your mind about what you wanted to say in the sentence in the middle of writing it. That’s bad, and it leads to bad sentences like this. Firstly, the way you construct the first half of the sentence looks like you were going to slip in the predicate and direct object (if any) in at the end; “even for a time” is a prepositional phrase which, like the (apparently) parenthetical phrase / interruptive that immediately follows (encased in commas) looks like it’s there to describe whatever action of Acustiana’s was going to be stated immediately afterwards.

And then, a wild conjunction appears.

> Tonight was gonna be the night she achieved her goal.
“Gonna” ain’t a word.

> her fight against the tangle monster
Use “tangle-monster” and put it in quotes; it’s not a term the narrator uses, but one the characters use.

> tangle monsters lair.
Again, might be cute but not if the narrator is saying it.

> The song that came to her from her nightmareish dream was able to be transcribed wonderfully.
I really think you could make the sentence stronger / less awkward by turning it into a statement about the deftness and clarity with which she could turn her dreams into music.

> and what little he heard, brought tears to his eyes
D[,] (CP) & BT
“What little he heard” isn’t an appositive or parenthetical phrase, but the subject of the clause that makes up this second half of the sentence. The comma is not necessary. Also, since it’s in the past relative to the narration: use past perfect tense on “heard”.

> So don’t you go playing with a girls emotions without due cause!

> more important than perhaps even the musician playing it knew.
Why not just say “the musician”?

> any doubts of that conclusion where deftly squashed.
What’s going on here? The music was, according to Pastel’s knowledge, “more important than perhaps even the musician playing it knew.” What does it mean — in that the music was not more important than the musician (as this clause implies)? It is a very dissonant statement that doesn’t seem to add anything but awkwardness to the tone of the paragraph, if you’ll excuse the pun.

> As she watched her friend, Pastel noticed a tear roll down her friends cheek.

> She then thought she saw the tear make a shape fell through the air .
What is this I don’t even.

> She went to start signing such when she was shouted at.
I’m not sure what this means, because “such” as a pronoun in this context can only refer to the “method of such a request,” so what would it mean for her to “sign” such a request?

> This too seemed to irritate the artist.
What you tell readers they should think about “the artist”’s reaction to whatever you then disambiguate and actually reveal on the very next line, rendering this sentence nearly useless.

Sorry, that’s all I could manage. I’ll try to do some more when things quiet down. In the mean time, you might want to give this tangle-monster of a chapter some combing.
>> No. 91683

Thanks for the look see.

>War in Equestria

Little bit of spoilers, war isn't going to happen. So don't worry about it. If it did, it would be the most one sided war the planet had ever seen.
The rumor is just that, a stupid rumor and Robert knows it. However, because of its popularity he has to respond to to keep people feeling safe. And having a small armed force would help keep fears down. (He's well aware that compared to the incredibly well trained Equestrian Guard, a couple hundred people who still trip over their own feet in these new bodies, let alone while attempting combat, are going to be pretty much mince meat if anything serious happens)

>comments in the original submission

The story isn't meant to be a big grand adventure with deep moments, but rather a world building exercise. Each chapter is set several months apart, and the characters involved are just there to be the view point to see the world. I had several problems with the whole Conversion Bureau story/world, and this is my way of... I guess you could say venting?

>There were a couple of sentences where I couldn't really figure out what you meant, though if they were said out loud the tone of voice would make it clear.

When I write, I imagine myself talking to an audience, vocally telling the story. I do go over it to try and iron most of it out, but a some would still slip through the cracks. So this is where that would come from.


He is supposed to be Australian, mentioned in the first chapter, in his book. It's a bit difficult to get a decent accent across without going into stereotypical territory, and "Blimy mate, 'ows it goin'?" make me want to laugh, so I've just used my way of speaking for him. I'm half tempted to change it to "ass", but they are two rather different words, both in spelling and how they're said.

>double-spacing between sentences is incorrect

I may change, I may not. I've gone though my entire life with double spacing, from the first time I learnt to type. It's an instinctive thing by now.

I'll go over the other notes, and make corrections as necessary.

If you're interested, now that I've said there's no War in Equestria, I've added the third chapter to the Document.

>> No. 91684

This isn't really a claim, in case someone else wants to take a crack at it. This story was on my to-read list already, and seeing the request like this, I figured I'd throw in my opinion here. I hope I don't step on anyone's toes.

My overall impression is that I didn't like this enough to upvote it, but neither did I dislike it enough to downvote it. It's one of several fics that aren't *bad*, but there's just a lot missing.

Mechanically, the fic is pretty sound. You do have a few recurring errors--the most notable being using semi-colons improperly (you often join an independent clause with an dependent one), but you also have some improperly-capitalized/punctuated dialogue tags. None of these mechanics errors were all that bad, but they were noticeable as I read through, even outside of edit-mode.

Mane 6 Characterization: generally okay. I'm happy that you're one of seemingly few people to not having Applejack speak in Ahs and mahs, which is always grating. Accents are tricky things to manage in writing, and that you didn't play the country bumpkin card for Applejack's speech was very nice.

However, the others' dialogue was iffy at times--especially Fluttershy. It's tough to get into the heads of six distinct characters and try to work out a reasonable way for them to act and speak, but there were just things said that didn't feel natural, either for the situation or for the character.

OC Characterization: In short, Icarus was a one-dimensional walking cliche of a villain. His pet the dog moment with Trixie did nothing to add depth or dimension to him, and even the attempts to play his view as "I'm only doing what's right" came out hackneyed.

Pacing: pretty off. It's like you were charging forward with the idea that things end not with a bang but a whimper. You spent quite a few words establishing this ancient conspiracy and the culmination of centuries of work to not only seize control of the land, not only take down the princesses (more on THAT in a moment), but also have one pony achieve apotheosis through the Elements--only to have the whole thing fall apart in a single scene. A single scene, I hasted to add, where I was knitting my brows together and going "wat" even as I read it.

Suspension of disbelief: overall, this was the killer for me. The TwiDash shipping was cute and fun--I can roll with that. The charm on the Elements? Sure, why not. Everything else wears too thin.

The most significant problem is the idea that depriving Celestia of sunlight somehow makes her an invalid. There was nothing else given about that, unless I was rolling my eyes and missed a clue, but you have to consider that the sun does set every day, at which point she is no longer beneath its rays. And then when it's time, she has to bring it up across the horizon again. Aaaaand, even if she was going to fall asleep, why would Luna need to keep her awake? Some fanon stories have the princesses sleeping, others don't. Neither case is a problem, but if you tell us "Princesses are asleep, steal kingdoms," then we need to be told why them being asleep is going to be an issue. As it is, it's a poorly constructed plot device to give the villain OC a means to avoid dealing intelligently (or not) with creatures more powerful than he to gain what he wants.

The idea that these isolationist, racist pegasi somehow concocted a magical brew that provides the perfect effect for what they want, yet just happens to make use of an amnesia spell for selective parts of I can't even finish typing this sentence. Someone in your comment stream mentioned it as well, and how it just happened to be worth explaining completely. Convenient. Really, it might have functioned better without having to explain it so overtly, but even then, the idea of an effectively perfect mind-control serum that has zero drawbacks (other than helping a pony get to sleep, I suppose), is straining the bounds of credibility.

Also of note, these pegasi somehow reverse engineer magical devices that existed in a minimal amount of literature, that existed only as legends, and that existed only in an incomplete form in the legends... in how long? Actually, it doesn't even matter. You have this significant plot device of *pegasi* unraveling ancient powers strong enough to negate the divinity of two beings strong enough to destroy the world, and there's no knowledge of how they even began to approach that. I was expecting co-conspirators among the unicorns. I got a broken Trixie.

And the last: unicorn magic in general, Twilight in particular. She teleports. Her, Spike, everyone. She's good at it. She grabs onto things with her magic, she moves things with her magic. Like ursa minors. Yet she couldn't get a hold on Rainbow Dash, the chest, or the Elements during the confrontation scene? Sometimes de-emphasizing her magical talents is good. This was not one of them.

Overall thoughts: the story was a neat idea, I suppose. There aren't any new ideas, just new takes on old ones and seeing how they're executed. In this case, it really wasn't executed that well. We were given precious little information to go on for the parts that would strain credulity, yet even with that, the climax seems malformed and lackluster.

Suggestions: work on dialogue that feels more natural, narrow the scope of your POV to either one character or two if you're going to go with limited third person (I suppose with multiple POVs, that term becomes subjective third, but you get the idea). You're emphasizing the importance of TwiDash's shipping, so making them the only characters we have a closer look at would go a long way to helping us hook onto their emotions. If you're going for something as far-reaching as overthrowing the princesses and ascending to effective godhood, flesh out the world, give it the attention it desires, give us the motivations and personalities of the major powers in play, and most importantly, give us a climax that's worthy of such a tale.
>> No. 91740
On double-spacing: an easy way to fix it is to use find and replace to replace all instances of two spaces with one (so you don't have to change typing habits). That, or you could write all your stories in Courier so that the double-spacing actually has a purpose.
>> No. 91768
Thank you! I hope we can get along and get this thing of mine into a good shape!
>> No. 91769
Well, I made the modifications Arcanus Brighthorn recommended and changed it to an event-based story instead. Here is the improved version of Through the Eyes of the Hurricane.

Title: Through the Eyes of the Hurricane

Tags: [Slice of Life][Dark]

Synopsis: The pegasus who would one day become Commander Hurricane started out as a grunt. A patrol officer for the captured town of Pteryx, Hurricane recalls one incident during her time there that changed her view of the Pegasus Empire – and of her close friend, Pansy.

Length: Approximately 7000 words.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/9304/Through-the-Eyes-of-the-Hurricane

Chapters to Review: One shot. The fic is published, but not yet submitted. Let me know if you have access problems.

Comment/Request: I would like an EquestriaDaily.com level review, if possible. Arcanus said he'd give it a second grilling, but if anyone's quicker off the mark they can have it too. In any case, he's also reviewing another work of mine at the moment.

Grammar, punctuation, spelling, and just plain stylistics are the order of the day. I also want to know if the characterization, scene-setting, world-building, drama, action, and pacing are acceptable. Lastly, I want to know if you enjoyed reading it. This is very important.

I'm holding out for constructively critical. You don't need to do a line-by-line, though: a simple pointer if I'm making recurring mistakes, a brief note on how to polish it if it's OK, or a summary of the glaring problem or problems would all suffice. I'm not submitting it if it's not at a high standard.
>> No. 91770
Line-by-line in-doc.

All in all, it's a fairly solid story. I'd critique the actions of Luna and Celestia, but their failings are a big part of the story.

What I will say is that your world feels empty. Even when there are meetings in public locations, there isn't anypony around except for the ones that are directly relevant to the story, and that makes the story feel empty, almost like a stage play.

Also: indent your paragraphs. It makes things much easier to read.

My recommendation: You need to add ponies in the background of some of these stories, especially in areas like the Canterlot Library, which would definitely have ponies in it at almost any time of day.

Keep writing.
>> No. 91773
Hi Drakmire,

Firstly, thank you very much for reading through my story, and writing such a thorough review. I wanted to make a few comments in response; not to dispute your comments, or justify my writing, but more just to comment and expand.

Writing Icarus was a learning experience for me. I learnt the difference between what the author thinks works and what the readers want to see. I got worried by comments on the first few chapters speculating about the upcoming epic pony war, and then when I posted the final chapters commentators were disappointed with how it ended. But I refute the comments that say it ran out of steam, because it ended exactly how I planned it to.

>Improperly capitalised/punctuated dialogue tags
That surprised me. I wasn't aware of any, and they weren't flagged up by the two reviewers I worked with (or if they were they were dealt with). I suppose everyone makes mistakes, though.

>Applejack's accent
We had some discussion in-review; someone had suggested I go for "Ah" and "an' " instead of "I" and "and", in the end it was decided to go for "I" and "an' ". I agree that overdone accents grate.
>iffy dialogue, especially Fluttershy
I think I have an idea what you mean, especially given that the way I talk is very different to how the ponies talk since I'm neither Canadian nor American. I hadn't thought it was a particular problem, but I searched through Fluttershy's dialogue and I found a couple of things that could be debatable. On the other hand, I can't emphasise how much I get irritated when people tag "um, if you want to, if that would be okay" onto every frigging bit of dialogue for her.

>Icarus' characterisation
Guilty. He's 2D. Within the length of the story that's about as much of him as there was room for. Writing is hard, and this was a learning experience for me.

Everyone talks about the pacing. I never had any intention of it building up into an epic war between the pegasi and other ponies. I suppose the fact that I knew how it would end as I was writing it meant I didn't consider what expectations the first few chapters would cultivate - I wrote out a detailed sketch for the whole storyline, around which I wrote the story. So I built up expectations too high and "failed to deliver", you could say. I thought I did end with a bang, though. I certainly tried to. Icarus exploded and sent a storm of winds through ponyville and canterlot.

>Suspension of disbelief
I'm not sure what you mean here; but I guess that I need to work harder on it.

>Depriving Celestia of Sunlight
Both Icarus and Luna explain this, albeit briefly, including the slightly awkward point that Celestia's magic, which is drawn from the sun, needs to be replenished daily, not constantly. It's nothing to do with her going to sleep; it's a genuine sickness. I agree that it's a little bit convenient but it was explained in the text. In the end, it's a bit of non-canon. I had hoped that it would fit under the suspension of disbelief, but as you pointed out above, I failed in that.

>The potion
The amnesia spell actually came from Trixie, who had enchanted it. That and the potion is the worst bit of deus ex machina and I worried a lot about it. I reasoned that Rainbow Dash, being the element of loyalty, wouldn't be separated from her element by anything other than alternative methods, and it introduced the theme of the betrayal of loyalty itself. The potion itself, incidentally, is purely a sleeping potion, nothing special, which fuddles the brain slightly. Calling it alcohol is wrong, though, because it's not suggested that Rainbow becomes drunk, and she stays under its influence even after sleeping.

>Pegasi powers
Though I'm not entirely sure what you mean here, I guess I could say that Icarus was a deluded despot. No, it's not written in the text, but then I was accused of explaining too much to the readers at one point during the review process. Icarus' plan, in that case, was doomed to fail from the start. One pegasus from the cultish town of Wingham decided to take a crazy idea to its logical conclusion.

>Twilight's inabilities with her magic
Twilight is shown often to be in shock at Rainbow's behaviour given her feelings for her. I thought that would mean that she was too shocked to engage her magic, or too emotional to control it. Again, I didn't want to explain it word by word, but I had hoped that that would come across. The story would end very quickly if Twilight un-amnesia'd Rainbow, put the elements back, teleported to Cloudsdale, and smacked Icarus

I do agree on narrowing the scope of the POV. It bounced between Rainbow, Twilight and Icarus, and showed signs of creeping into other ponies from time to time as well, which wasn't as clear as it should be; it also didn't allow for linear character development in the way it should. Writing a story in which there are SIX main characters and a villain is difficult, and I should be more careful next time to stick firmly with fewer.

I suppose in concluding comments the story has potential but the amount of time and effort I can give to it is limited. I wrote it for fun in between writing essays for my degree. When I submitted it for reviewing I hoped to iron out some problems, but after about a month of working on it I realised that there was a difference between writing something for the fun of it and producing a professional, complete story. Since I don't have the time to write a professional and complete story and I did not want to write a pile of fanservice I decided it was good enough and went ahead with publishing. I'm sorry that you didn't like it; maybe you might prefer one of my shorter stories, which I seem to be better at.
>> No. 91777
Title)The Disarray Trilogy Part One: Of Harmony and Chaos
Author)Walker "Ink Blotch" Holden
Editor) Joe Huang
Tags) [OC Ponies] [Adventure]
Synopsis)It has been nearly ten months since Discord's defeat and peace has returned to Equestria. Until that is proof of Discord's long lost legacy surfaces and now Twilight and her friends must prepare themselves for what could be the return of their most powerful nemesis. But this time he is not alone. Along the way Twilight and friends will have to deal with monsters, poison and a blue pegasus with a crush on Pinkie Pie.
Links) https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nfFMCv5KPKXG5uLLTfPcmsgQN6FvpUYLQh1We7MUWRI/edit










I would love to have all of my chapters reviewed but I would be ok with just the first few chapters if that would be easier for somepony.

EQD comments for chapter 1 only)While your writing is technically good, your character presentation is extremely wooden. The dialog is stilted in places and your characters are not acting like ponies but like cardboard cut-outs... or the very wooden representations you included in your story.

You've got potential here, but the basic writing style and lack of character development isn't really going to fly. You're also capitalizing things like Pegasus that shouldn't be, and have some errors here and there that need tending.

This is my first fic I have ever written. My editor is a friend of mine and he seems to really like my story but I need a reviewer in order to get on EQD. I got really ahead of myself and was able to write the whole of it before and after EQD replied.

My editor has only done parts of my fic so forgive me for grammatical errors and word confusion here and there. Also my computer does this thing where it auto fixes pegasus into Pegasus.
>> No. 91789
>Improperly capitalized/punctuated dialogue tags

>That surprised me. I wasn't aware of any, and they weren't flagged up by the two reviewers I worked with (or if they were they were dealt with). I suppose everyone makes mistakes, though.

Sorry about that. x.x
>> No. 91794

Please enable comments on your doc. It makes reviewing much easier.

>> No. 91798

Line-by-line in doc


You need spacing between your paragraphs and lines. It's really hard to read without them.

Your description could use some work. What does the LSOI's command station look like? What does the courtroom smell like? Is it hot in there? Stuff like that really helps bring a story to life.


It's pretty interesting, but personally I'm not a big fan of the footnotes. What things are should be explained through the story, and not telly footnotes.

This is much too short to be a chapter. Most stories have around or more than 5k words for a chapter. This is not 5k.

That being said, I'm very impressed with the amount of research and presentation shown in this story. Very nice.

Suggestions: Add more to the chapter, please.
>> No. 91853
Just because I like causing a bit of drama...

I love the 66 .. 99 quotes and straight apostrophes in End of Ponies, not to mention the double spaced sentences. My personal typographic pet peeves are:

6-shape apostrophe at the beginning of words: 'cuz 'though -- 9-shape good, straight better

Full spaces between nested quote marks
"I only said it was 'interesting.'" <-- wrong!
"I only said it was 'interesting.' " <-- still wrong!
"I only said it was 'interesting.' " <-- thin space! yes! (unless the board software munges it, like the way it eats all my beautiful double spaces.)

Actually, I agree that two spaces is too wide. But one space is much too narrow! I'll compromise with period-thinspace-space for publication on FiMFiction.


But, really, this stuff doesn't matter.
>> No. 91858

Thanks for claiming my story. I was hoping that whoever claimed it would send me an email so I could add them to the list in case I didn't see the claim soon enough. I enabled comments for you though, so there shouldn't be any more problems.
>> No. 91873
File 133220614387.jpg - (120.23KB , 600x750 , littlebitchpest.jpg )
The fic's post: >>90606
Chapter 1 review: >>91552

There are some comma issues, a few awkward bits, and a couple of dubious word choices. Something else that got annoying was your overuse of the "Blah" said X as he Y. structure. Vary your sentence structure a little more to prevent things from getting dull. I didn't put in as many specifics as last time, but that said, I was still pretty thorough. Here's the GDoc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IBo7JNHaHX4l0rPPGAHf49IsR2wzFB0OcXr4fquobzU/edit#
>> No. 91876
I'll file a claim as well for Silence is Bittersweet. I agreed to go through starting a chapter earlier (3) and help correct/enrich the technical aspects of all the musical happenings. While I was at it, I went ahead and did a mechanics sweep and commented on any other details that I noticed. However, I was in the same boat of not having read the story from the beginning, so I couldn't comment on broad storyline/character/style issues, nor do I intend to. I will eventually get through chapters 4 and 5 as well, and if you'd be inclined to follow through after I've cleaned up the spelling/grammar, I believe you'd do a better job of it than I.
>> No. 91884
File 133220934939.jpg - (146.90KB , 800x800 , 1331844573270.jpg )
Trixie took the liberty of taking your document, making a copy of her own, and commenting on that.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1h-eBgbrpOThDFUoxIH_XCuxAKwtMBjzu2kCukXAtUl4/edit
Trixie will gladly hand ownership of the document over to the author upon request.

General Thoughts:
Trixie is baffled by your writing style. You've shown a working understanding of most of the mechanics, yet your writing is still of dubious quality - Trixie puts it down as lack of experience writing fiction.

There are choppy sentences, stiff dialogue, strange pauses, misidentified thoughts, and some detail errors. Still, all of these can be fixed.

The thing that bothers Trixie the most is the names of the characters, and your method of introducing them.

Keith doesn't sound like the name of a dragon, and he is barely introduced as such. Ty, Hitch, and Mel don't really sound like pony names, but judging by the way you chose to shorten Tyconderoga to Ty, Trixie isn't sure just how poorly you did in this respect.

All in all, Trixie found the story to be worth reading, so don't you lose hope and give up - that would mean you wasted Trixie's time and disappointed her.

Contact Trixie if you have any questions or requests. Email is in the email field.
>> No. 91887
I'd be happy to give it that second grilling I promised, and if no one else is up for the job, I'll take it, but having a diverse set of reviewers check out your fic can be invaluable.
>> No. 91888

Thank you for your time in helping me.

I worked hard in the development of my OC's to ensure there is as little sue as posible. Talked in the TTG and all that jazz back when I was working on Part 1. This part is a bridge into the shipping portion of my story, and was designed around a congratulations party. As such, it is, as it would be in RL, centered around the person the party is in honor of. If you could give me some tips on how to lessen the Sue like issues, I will gladly work with them to get this less out of said direction.

Proofreading...I did...I am just really bad at mechanics. I know all the reasons my ability todo mechanics is bad, but they need not be posted here.

All your other points are (or being) fixed.

Again, thank you for your time and efforts :D
>> No. 91889
I'll bear that in mind, for when I return to it.
>> No. 91900
Just a reminder to the reviewers out there!
>> No. 91902
It's in the queue. Please wait until a reviewer gets to it; the wait time in the Training Grounds is currently absurdly long due to there being too many fics for the current reviewer pool to handle.

If you'd like to help thin the pool by reviewing a fic yourself, please do. Anyone can review--the Training Grounds is open to all.
>> No. 91919

Sorry for the delay in acknowledging. Thank you, I will be making changes in the next couple of days.
>> No. 91923
" " <-- may I present to you the "en space"?
" " <-- normal space for comparison

By using a single character, you avoid having spaces spill onto the following line (which is what I dislike most about double spacing).
>> No. 91924
Title: A Throne of Discord.

Author: Pludrpladr

Email: [email protected]

Tags: Normal, (planned) Grimdark, (planned) Sad, (planned) Shipping

Synopsis: When Discords escapes his stone prison again, aided by supporters of his cause, he rethinks his plan and comes up with something even more sinister... Corrupt Celestia.
Will Equestria survive this plan, or will it burn to the ground, collapsing in it's own disharmony?

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I31q2WA35FHLoWDCx2HzYCaFarTrrLmm82b5wCZL2Dg/edit

Chpater: Prologue

Comments: Most of the chapter has already been reviewed, and it's mostly the middle (where a "fight" erupts) that needs reviewing.
>> No. 91975
I revoked it.
>> No. 91979
Posting for Simon o'Sullivan. Will pick this up from Swiper. Prepare yourself for review!
>> No. 91991
File 133229080102.jpg - (71.28KB , 650x520 , atkins diet.jpg )
>> No. 91992
>>91923 en space
I love you. I'm gonna start testing that. It will go into my writing if it proves compatible.

(Though, I have to wonder what software fills spaces onto the following line...)

>>88489 Finding the Answers

I can tell you already that you've selected a premise that's difficult to get right. I have seen it attempted well once (Migranes by Swiper) and it involved the possible reader-insert HiE having amnesia, landing into a rock band of OCs, Celestia possibly being evil, and any time the HiE tries to think about it, he gets a splitting headache and inanimate objects around him turn into monsters. Maybe it doesn't have to be a grade-A mindscrew to work, but we're talking some serious writing chops to make the genre fly.

>>88694 Fluttershy's Little Secret
Not clop? Shame. That pony's one hot momma.
>> No. 91994
File 133229212871.png - (43.58KB , 249x315 , My bearded ponysona 2.png )

First and foremost, check this http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/87698.html#i89362
If it doesn't send you automatically to the post #89362, scroll down and read it, and the following post too.
You did it? Awesome. Now use that and work on the story, it needs it badly. I'm being blunt because I had low hopes on it when I saw that two weeks had passed since the story was dropped (though you got a decent, overall review, so I shouldn't consider that a dropped story), and nothing was fixed.

My problems with the story are the same ones that Swiper pointed out (a dull and empty main character, overuse of passive voice, odd word choice), plus the lack of immersive power the story had. I couldn't keep myself reading the story for more than a minute without daydreaming about going around killing terminators with the gun that shoots electrified shurikens (yes, the one from Painkiller) while riding a Triceratops. I'm a man of action, my beard's the proof. I want to feel the heat of the explosions, I want to feel how the desperate cries of the wound and dying deafen me. I need immersion! I want to grab a knive and stab the first guy who comes up to my room while I'm reading, thinking he's one of the guards who're coming after me! But not here. And that's sad. They promised me action, adventure, wars, death! But I just see words. Confusing words. And my beard hates it when it feels betrayed.

Could this work? Absolutely yes. Does it need work? Yes, a lot. Now go for it, My beard hungers for manly and epic awesomeness!
>> No. 91995
Hey, I'm back! I wrote up chapter two, and would love someone to give it a once over.

Title: Bloodline- Chapter Two
Tags: Dark, Thriller
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a violent serial killer who has terrorized Houston for over two years. Now, he find his way to Equestria and decides to share his "work" with a world that has not seen violence like him in eons. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, the man who has been chasing Pomeroy for years. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, the Mane Six must work with Barlow to stop this madman. But is all as it seems?

I know there's a few spelling and maybe a some format issues. I'm mainly asking for advice on writing style. I've been told by a few people that I have a problem with the whole "show, don't tell" thing. How does this chapter flow? Do I suck and fail at life? Please help. :)
>> No. 92020
Posting on behalf of the author.

Title: Out of Reach
Tags: (I actually forgot to ask the author, so I'm guessing based on what I've seen so far.) [Sci-Fi][Shipping][Grimdark?][Sad?]
Author: Chaos Pon3
Author email: [email protected]
Synopsis: "After meeting an adventurous earth stallion named Star Spirit, and a humble know-it-all unicorn filly named Dusk Sparkle, Night Flare discovers an evil plot perpetrated by the Radicorn Corporation that threatens to destroy the very fabric of the galaxy."

Links: (Comment permissions open)
Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/126TBJKtBvAaNtYoDdAxTBPi95XEanh1ae7Fw7D4-H3s/edit
Chapter One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1U7ZsJKEE7ZGjqbgGp_n-Myw75zzOEJbogFI9A4WLyFc/edit

Note from myself: I've been editing this one for a little while. I think it needs a second opinion. The author came to me for proofreading, and then I volunteered to post for him because "As for the training grounds things, I don't really understand how ponychan works, it was a miracle that I even found your email."

The concept is not bad; the author seems to know where he's going with it. However, the OC protagonist is a bit of a Mary Sue in the "oppressed teenager" flavor of Sues. Some wordings still need some fine-tuning, and it's definitely on the tell-y side.

Do not contact me via my email address about this story; contact the author directly. His email is listed above as well as in the form submission.
>> No. 92075
File 133231442887.jpg - (29.28KB , 422x253 , For pony2.jpg )
Chapter 1 Review: >>91873
Chapter 2 Review: >>91552
The rest: look below.

Alright, I'm done with my review. Here's the summary:

Style: Switch up your sentence structure a bit more. I got really bored of reading "Blah" said X as he Y. sentences. Your phrasing is also awkward in several places. You word choice could use some work in a few places.

Grammar: Lots of various comma errors. You repeatedly placed commas where they shouldn't be shortly after dialogue (especially in your many cases of "Blah" said X as he Y. sentences, which were frequently (and incorrectly) mutated into "Blah" said X, as he Y). Remember: not all simultaneous action is parenthetical (in fact, most of it's not). Slightly less often, but still often enough for me to put in the summary, you forget to place commas after introductory material in a sentence or clause (e.g. "...and most of all (should have comma) you need a lesson in..."). Every now and then you forget to place a comma after a dependent clause that precedes an independent clause, so fix that as well.

Characters: Okay, I know that Diamond Tiara is spoiled, but there is no way that Filthy Rich is that much of a sucker. He wouldn't just go up a street in Canterlot buying Diamond Tiara bags upon bags of stuff. There's just no way he would ever dot on her that much. I'd like to cite this as my evidence: http://youtu.be/-78kl-RqaXw?t=21m17s. I also feel like you haven't developed the personalities of Filthy Rich or Diamond Tiara as much as you should. They're both rather bland as it stands.

Story: The time gaps between chapters are a little annoying. I found myself relying on your plot summary to figure out what was going on at the beginning of each new chapter. I just don't feel like your story progresses very smoothly. If you fill in some of the inbetween time, this won't be as much of a problem.

A Final Note: Here are the miscellaneous errors I marked in chapter three (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oYX6mknDZ17LmfexBJRRPJZOtK1CC2BRvJ6pN7EEKwE/edit#). By the time I got to chapter four, I was bored with the story, the characters, and the slightly monotonous prose. As such, I just skimmed it, and yeah, the problems listed above hold for chapter four as well. I'm essentially going to say what I said in my last review for you: This story has potential, but it's just not there yet. Keep writing though, I want to read an awesome, well written draft of this fic some day.
>> No. 92077
File 133232169349.png - (155.46KB , 1029x777 , Dash-salute.png )

Taking Mr Omega's work then.

Hm, I do hope I can help with the pre-readers problem. Let's see what I can do then.
>> No. 92078
Title: Grand Prix
Author: Arbarano
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Normal][Crossover]
Synopsis: A prestigious sporting event comes to Ponyville, capturing the interest of one filly in particular.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1370/Grand-Prix

(Both chapters, please :) )

The Equestria Daily pre-readers said: From a technical standpoint, the story does alright, just a few errors here and there that can be fixed easily. The only issue I have with the writing is that it's fairly dry, there is a lot of telling going on and although the story itself is fine, the writing stifled my interest in it. Character actions and reactions, settings and locales, all could do with more descriptive and colorful writing, something that paints a picture of the events that happen instead of just listing them off to me. The foundation is there, it just needs to build from it.
>> No. 92079
What the heck, taking this as well.
>> No. 92080

Rarity's Vacation From Herself.

I think I'll take this on :)
>> No. 92104
If you hadn't seen already, I'll just conveniently remind you that comments are on.

Thanks in advance!
>> No. 92107
File 133234307983.gif - (15.39KB , 200x200 , 132580617333s.gif )
>> No. 92116
File 133234585657.png - (37.12KB , 105x124 , 132503860385s.png )
Done, and line-by-line in-doc.

My biggest issue is with the A/N-esque middle bit. I've elaborated on that in-doc, but it boils down to this: convey your meaning with as few words as possible. You get leeway when you're doing poetry, since it's not a subject I'm expert on. You do not, however, get leeway when reverting to narrative. Your document itself has a theme: "The Origins of Equestria", and every section in it must contribute back. The first part sets up nicely; your second needs to do what it does - I'm guessing that's "introduce Bard as the new narrator" - in a way that relates back to the origins of, well, Equestria. Admittedly, introducing a new narrator cannot achieve this too well, so the next best thing is: do this as concisely as possible so that you can get on with the show, so to speak.

You've put some good thought into your word choice, and what little issues I have are purely personal opinion - in fact, all of them are, and they're entirely up to you to take or leave.

I'm guessing all epics have, to be blunt, lengthy, self-promoting prologues. You do a good job of toeing the line between "tolerable pompousness" and "being a dick", and I mean this with no sarcasm at all. Seriously, you have me wondering, positively, what the next parts are going to be like, and I'm not a fan of reading Ye Olde Eq. History at 12a.m..

Overall, good job indeed. Keep it up!
>> No. 92125
Title: The Radical Adventures of Daring Dash and Derpy Do
Author: CommissarCC
Tags: [Adventure]
Synopsis:This is the tale about how two mares embark on a quest to fulfill their dream of being like their favourite pony: Daring Do.

Link :http://www.fimfiction.net/story/13766/The-Radical-Adventures-of-Daring-Dash-and-Derpy-Do
>> No. 92129
File 133235278095.jpg - (955.48KB , 1075x841 , Cheerilee Apples.jpg )
Title: Smiling Flowers

Author: TheBrianJ

Tags: [Normal], [Slice of Life], [Sad] (Sad only applies for first few chapters)

Synopsis: For most ponies, Cutie Marks represent hard work and passion finally paying off, and their destiny being laid out in front of them. But for Cheerilee, hers represents something else...frustration, uncertainty, anxiety....and a secret she has found increasingly hard to keep from the residents of Ponyville.

To Be Reviewed: Everything posted so far.

Additional Comments: This is the beginning of the story. If you consider it to be a chapter, the full story will most likely be 6-8 chapters long. The first few parts skew more towards sadness. I'd love some feedback on it before I post it over on FIMFiction, and my goal is to hopefully submit it to EQD soon. I'm also trying to decide if I should break it into parts like this, or finish the whole story and post it all at once, any input on that would be greatly appreciated Thanks!

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VjNVp9mkC2i0ZIuW3WrnmO0Gb0W55ASAgAN6DiYHRQY/edit?pli=1
>> No. 92131

I'd like to go ahead and claim this to review. I will have a full review of it up here later today.

Also, I managed to botch the entry into the Queue. Instead of putting the link to the post, I just put the number of the post. If there's a way to change that, or if whoever maintains the queue can either change it or delete the entry entirely so I can re-submit it properly, it would be greatly appreciated.
>> No. 92144
Doctor Who crossover/Adventure/Dark/Comedy
I'm resubmitting the fic with a link to the FimFiction page. I will retroactively correct any errors signalled and will probably post the following chapetrs there, publishing them after a review.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=referrers&story=9948
Description: Doctor Who/My Little Pony crossover, taking place during "The Return of Harmony", and elsewhen. Chaos God meets Time Lord.
Addendum: I'm looking to change the name of the fic, since I'm not quite satisfied with it yet. any suggestions would be welcome. Also, does anyone know a good cheap-ish cover artist that can make awesome?
>> No. 92146
Note that I'm desperately looking for a constant proof-reader. It's an easy job, methinks, I don't pump out chapters very often.
>> No. 92166
File 133236621982.png - (43.58KB , 249x315 , My bearded ponysona 2.png )

Okay, that was awkward. Funny, yes. Ireally laughed when my mind turned crazy and saw between the lines things that shouldn't be written here.

All an all, you have to fix your punctuation. Among other things, one of the issues I find is the usual lack of vocative commas. For example:

>“You see Spike,
You see, Spike,

Because it is a vocative and you're calling for the character's attention, it's written that way. If you say "You see Spike" means that you're pointing at Spike in a Dora the Explorer kind of way, telling to the audience if they see him.

We see a lot of story setting, but it all goes down to see how the world would be destroyed if Luna and Celestia don't do the horizontal dance. This is kind of weird and, though you try to justify why the world as we know it didn't turn to dust or whatever apocaliptic thing should've happen the three previous times... Dunno, it just seems to be an excuse to force the dirty dancing.

It simply looks so forced and pushed towards, and the "It's for the good of your kindgom" killed it for me. I really laughed so hard here because I was picturing an action movie, Luna grabbing Celestia and screaming "Damnit, there's no time! If we don't do it the world will explode!"

Also,harems? Give the stallions some fun too, those poor fellas.

In a nutshell, I don't really know what to say. This seems to me like one of those clopfic stories a friend asks his writer friend as a commission or gift, but without the cloppy parts. Then again, I was able to read it whole, being one who can't stand incestuous stories, so I'll give you credit for that.
>> No. 92179

Gonna go as spoiler-free as I can get here.

This is my first review, so I'm going to break it down into three sections: plot (what I think of the actual story), flow (how I think you are moving the story around) and structure (grammar, spelling, punctuation, all the nitpicky stuff)

You have a cute friendship blossoming between Rainbow and Derpy. I really like how you portray Derpy as a kind and gentle pegasus who, though quite clumsy, is also very likable…it's standard fanon portrayal, but you still present it in a really fun way.

There is a reveal in chapter 3 that is, so far, the biggest point in the story. I think it's a pretty interesting twist, and it serves as an effective branch between the "Derpy and Rainbow become friends" part of the story and the "Derpy and Raibnow go on an adventure" part. It's both unexpected but logical, and it works.

The basic adventure itself is nothing special, but that's to be expected - adventure stories usually focus more on the journey than the destination. You've made the Everfree Forest out to be a place of both danger and beauty, which makes the adventure seem all the more wondrous. Throwing in some danger right off the bat of the adventure is a nice way to raise the stakes quickly, although now the big thing will be to follow up on it - you can't just have that be the only dangerous part. I have confidence that you have more planned in the near future.

I was honestly expecting this story to jump straight into an adventure, with Derpy and Dash getting to know each other during the adventure, but you switched things up a bit by focussing the first few chapters on them becoming closer, THEN move into the adventure. Overall, the flow of the story moves at a nice pace, and as I said before, I like the link you establish between their friendship and their adventure, but I have a few points that you should improve upon.

First, one thing that surprised me was that after the big "reveal" in chapter 3, we suddenly cut ahead in time, and the actual story behind the reveal is told in a flashback. I question if that's necessary, I think it would be more effective to have that scene take place all at once rather than non-linearly.

At one point in the story, Dash is nearly killed by a spider, but is saved by Derpy. As I mentioned earlier, it's nice to have a dangerous moment early, but what I'm not as big of a fan of is the fact that Dash has a complete emotional breakdown afterwords and shows true weakness for the first time in the story. A scene like that is OK, but I feel that putting it on the very first day of the adventure is jumping the gun a bit. It might be worth it to have Dash be the strong, confident one for a while, before having that scene, so that Derpy saving the day can be more unexpected, while Dash's breakdown can feel more important.

I am going to be perfectly blunt on this - you need a lot of work on your structure. There are grammar mistakes, weird tense issues, awkward language…there needs to be some cleanup, period. There are two pieces of advice I can offer:

1) Get an editor. Find a friend, someone with free time, a fresh set of eyes who can look over your stories before you post them. It will allow mistakes to be caught that you wouldn't have noticed on your own. An editor would also have the added benefit of fixing grammar and sentence structure, which - again, not trying to be rude, but honest - are not your strong point.

2) Trim the fat. Your descriptions are good, but there is such a thing as over-explanation. Let's take an exempt from the story:

>The local is clean and the baked goods on display look appetizing, but the space is rather bare with only treats on display, a till on a counter and some chairs and tables as furniture. It isn't as inviting and comfy Sugarcube Corner, but it has to do. There also weren't any other ponies around except for a couple of mares chatting idly around a table.

I think you spend a touch too much time describing it. Now compare it to this, which I wrote;

>Although not as comfy as Sugarcube Corner, the local bakery would have to do. Completely empty save for a few mares chatting in the corner, there was nothing more than a counter displaying the baked goods and a handful of chairs and tables.

I managed to get the same message across without needing as much unnecessary text. Trimming the fat is a major thing in writing, and learning how to do it well just takes time and practice. The best advice I can give is to go through and read your story out loud to yourself. Oftentimes, things that look OK on paper will not sound as good when you read them out loud, and give you a chance to clean up your writing.

I think that you have the potential here for a really great story, but you still have a good amount of work to do. The groundwork has been laid for a really fun friendship/adventure story, and you've already established a solid plot that has potential to be built on in a lot of ways. All that's needed now is to take the time to clean up your writing. Solid work!
>> No. 92191
Review: Finding the Answers
by Nesstrodamus

As typically happens with "prologues," I'm not too terribly fired up about this story. The one thing that possibly tickles my fancy is if at the end you want to leave the reader wondering if it was all a dream. That's excellent gravy on the story, especially since the HiE genre tends towards depicting Equestria as exceedingly sweet, often even sweeter than canon, giving the whole thing a dream-like quality if done right. Arddun Lleuad by Pride, which I had the pleasure of reading today, comes to mind.

However, for the reader to reach the end, you have to satisfy them with the meat of the story to get there, and I can't judge that because it's simply not there yet. Moving on to stylistic stuff.

There's no story to judge yet because you actually haven't covered a lot of ground despite all those words. And that's because you start with philosophic essay rather than story.

>Countless question have a way of raining down on a weakened mind, especially when the mind seems to be the only thing functioning. A certain individual wrestled with this unpleasant confinement, contained entirely within his own mind and beating himself up with these questions that he had no way of answering yet.

If his mind isn't getting anywhere, it's not an interesting place to be. You should direct focus to the most interesting thing happening at the moment, which is probably, if your protagonist is waking up in a hospital, the physical action of him trying to get up and the mental action of him trying to remember how he got there.

Mental action is easiest to write as directly quoted thought. It's probably best to give the author an example, I think. A slightly more advanced technique folds it into the narration, but that makes it easier to forget the prime directive: keep moving.

Description follows a character (or a disembodied ghost narrator) as he explores a scene. Something like:

Duncan woke to sunlight invading a splitting headache. Dry mouth... Sun hates me... Must have been a good night. Phill, tell our contestant what he's won. He groaned and rolled over in the bed, burying his head in the pillows. It was a nice bed, at least.* A scratchy female voice greeted him. "Hey, good, at least you're awake."

(*example of thought in narration. The narrator takes the same opinion as the character)

Not my bed, don't know the girl... Just keeps getting better, doesn't it? Guess I'd better face the light. He rubbed his eyes and risked opening them to find his arm covered in dark blue hair. He sat up, eyes wide, wincing at the sunlight. Oh, no, no, no! His arms ended in hooves, and when he glanced to the side, he saw a sky-blue pegasus looking back in concern. Every damn wall was white, blaring sunlight straight into his eyes.

He screwed them shut, groaned again, and collapsed back into the wonderfully soft bed. I hate being stuck in dreams, he thought with rising panic. And no freaking fair to be hung-over before I'm even awake!

I recommend starting over with a blank page, a quiet, comfortable chair, and imagine the scene as it plays out. Write it moment by moment, without stopping to tell me what it means or stuff like that.

It should be shorter, and a heck of a lot better.

Or, you can take what you have now and cut the slow-moving stuff. You actually do have a bunch of good sentences, but if you don't know the difference in "feel" yet between something that advances action, like

> The young man was of more-or-less average build, a bit over five feet tall, being slightly more on the skinny side or, at worst, a bit lanky.

pretty good

>After several of these moments, he slowly shifted in the bed, grunting again and muttering to himself as he slid toward the edge, determined to get standing. As he did so, he looked down at himself. What he saw was the body of a teenage boy; 14 years old to be exact.

pretty bad; I'd revise to something along the lines of

>Finally, he moved to stand, grunting and muttering as he slid toward the edge, getting a good look at himself as he did. He was fourteen years old, of more-or-less average build - at worst a bit lanky - and a bit over five feet tall. His torso was covered in bandages.

You need that sense of showing vs telling first. Otherwise, you'll not be able to self edit.

I'm invoking the Law of Past Sins, where I don't go line-by-line on a story where I'm not sold on higher-level things. If you'd like to practice description, though, feel free to e-mail me a couple hundred words or less. With something that short, I'm not gonna care about story, and turnaround should be faster than waiting in line here. (No guts or clop, please.)

Best of luck.
>> No. 92197
I love this story, and your writing-craft is a step above what I usually see here, but there's this kinda-big conceptual problem at this point.

You give up the big secret way to early. Like, halfway through the rising action early, which makes the climax really ho-hum (more like a falling action) and the actual falling action draggy. Compare to "The Contest" by Cold in Gardez, which maintains an air of "I can't believe this is an actual contest" and "is Fluttershy really that good?" right up to the final round.

Hide Fluttershy's records and reveal some details of the plan, but not enough for the reader to figure it out. They should be thinking Twi has gone crazy. I want/need this exchange to happen:

Twi: Rainbow, you trust me, right? I have a plan, but I really need you to trust me for it to work.

RD: Of course, Twilight.

Twi: Oh, good. Your cooperation was the last piece I wasn't sure of. Fluttershy's going to be our champion.


Twi: She's perfect for the course, especially since I'll tailor-fit it to her.

RD: But, she's Fluttershy, and you're crazy!

Twi: Does the name Whisper Wing ring any bells?

do not let the reader know why WW is significant to RD. They might be able to guess, but the thing with guesses is they don't ruin suspense.

RD: You have got to be shitting me.

Twi: Well, that's what she said. And can you imagine her making something like that up? Besides, I need you and Applejack to find a bear.

Then, you reveal Fluttershy's record in the falling action. Maybe with Rainbow congratulating her.

There's also a general rule where the more detailed a plan is, the more likely it is to fail. By leaking most of the plan to the reader (not that Flutters will boom, nor that Angel will be involved), you'll make them expect it to fail - especially since it's a Twilight plan. Subversion is magic!

And serious props for creating this situation. I've been bursting into grins all day thinking of it. Maybe change that title? "Krastos' Krew" "The Real Whisper Wing"
>> No. 92212
Thanks for the extremely positive reply. As I've noted, I'm crossing my fingers that Hurricane Fluttershy doesn't screw things up much, and glad that it's taken this long to get a review so that I can revamp in light of whatever that might change.

I will definitely look to pushing the reveal to later - I agree in the larger scope of the story, that reveal is too early and without major changes in the story itself. I am assume that once the race starts, there's little to do to hide the fact, but you're talking about pushing the Whisper Wing stuff to the post-race scene where it's all explained (and works just as well).

And yes, I can definitely see a title change
>> No. 92236

I will admit that I still have a lot to do and a lot to flesh out here. I can't really argue with the points that you brought up here and on the doc, and I had a feeling that I would need to go back and fix a lot of things up. Still, that is something that I'm willing to do.

I came into this realizing that HiE stories would likely be judged harshly from the start, possibly for good reason. I suppose I at least wanted to see if a reviewer thought this premise was even worth continuing on with. I'm glad that seems to be the case, and I intend to keep going.

Thank you for your time and your advice, and thank you for the offer to email you for some description practice. I'll very likely need the help in the future.
>> No. 92256
Well, hmm. There's the issue of how credible it is for Fluttershy to be a dark horse speedster, but if the readers are having a lot of fun seeing the plan fall together, they'll be tolerant. Basically, instead of giving a logical hint that she has a "go-fast" mode, you're gonna use Rule of Awesome to get suspension of disbelief. Normally, the reader should be the first to know important things, but in this case: Twi and RD seem convinced she can pull it off, then she does out of logical left field (in a very awesome, very Fluttershy way "Aaaannnngellll!), the reader accepts that she can ('cuz she just did), and the reveal of the secret explains the loose end of why RD believes in her.

I find I'm attacked by the most ideas when I'm in the trenches, roughing out scenes. If you have an idea for a short story as you're going along, it's probably a safe choice to switch to that and use it for practice.

I have many more plot bunnies than I can possibly keep. Here are two, free to take, if you like.

-- Pinkie Pie chases after Trixie to return her most prized possessions. Friendshipping ensues.

-- The Conversion Bureau: Hatchling -- with all the new ponies wandering around, the traditional balance of power is shifting in Equestria. Naturally, the griffons can't take this lying down. Set the big issues aside and tell a little tale of a human learning to be a real griffon.
>> No. 92263
File 133239211338.png - (161.12KB , 900x871 , Pinkie-shock2.png )
Here I am again, with my ramblings on another fic.

Since you posted in FimFic, no line-by-line for you. Which is fine, considering your errors are systemic and needed to be fixed from start to finish.

Let's begin shall we? Technical first.

>Night fell upon Ponyville, swallowing any light left by its calm and strict atmosphere. Land of dreams has welcomed everypony in its sweet embrace, and only a few are able to stay awake at this hour. Twilight Sparkle is one of them.
What struck me here is how you mix up tenses. Big no-no, especially in fiction. Pick either present or past tense, and stick with it. You do this throughout your fic.

I repeat again. Pick a tense and stick with it.

>Ponies have started their peaceful everyday lives, but they can’t even imagine how their calm day will be ruined in the course of a few minutes.
As Filler put it in quite succint words, "Okay, author. See this? This is you going, 'Hey, reader, something's about to happen!' And then you telling them what happens after that. That's bad. It's like saying, 'I once got really close to hitting another car, and then I hit another car.'"

Yes. It's bad. Don't do this. Ever.

Awkward phrases/phrasing/sentence structure.
>calm and strict atmosphere
>black as pure coal and completely blank
>happy to be able to help even with the most little things.
>Torn out tree branches
>unable to perverse a future course of action.

Yeah... I have a feeling that you're not a native English speaker, because most of these, though correct, sounds rather unnatural. Unfortunately, there's no simple remedy to this, except either by getting a native speaker to help you, or better, reading more books. I recommend you read at least a few books of published works to get a feel on how things should flow.

"Perverse a future course of action" is definitely wrong though.

Moreover you have a simplistic style of prose and sometimes outright sentence fragments. It makes for rather painful reading.
>The roar repeats, now the sound is much closer. A roar of rampaging beast, a roar of blind rage. Rainbow Dash rose from her cloud and spread her wings. Shaking the sleepiness out of her body, she took the call to action. A deafening roar closing in was definitely not something to ignore.

While not wrong, it is quite dry, and your rather limited vocabulary shows through. A thesaurus would be helpful, but it is important to know the subtle differences between each word which are synonyms. Eg. Grin and smile might be similar, but they have a slightly different meaning.

On the bright side, you seem to know how to separate speakers into their own paragraphs and use punctuation properly.

As for your story. Well. I only read the first chapter... and let's just say it can be summed up this way.
>Twilight find mysterious book.
>Angry dragon rampage through the forest and town.
>Mane six fails to stop dragon.
>Wonderbolts fails to stop dragon.
>Suddenly, Celestia! (I swear this is a trope.)
>Elements of Harmony go!
>Happy end?

I stopped there because your writing is frankly, a pain to read. I am sorry. But it does tell me one thing. You have done nothing to hook me to reading further. Mysterious book in the first scene was never elaborated upon. Dragon rampaging through town seemed like a separate scene altogether. Only thing that seemed to be of importance, was the "shadow" the dragon was mentioning. Even then, nopony commented on it and it seemed to be dismissed by the rest. The dragon's attack on Ponyville was never explained. The whole chapter felt like padding and an excuse for an action scene for no reason. You'll need to look into this. Make it so it feels more like a part of a greater story.

Also, I felt that your characterisation of the mane cast was subtly OOC. Don't ask me why, but they felt really off throughout the chapter. Especially Twilight. The entire mane cast felt flat and emotionless at times.

tl;dr? Needs major rewrites/editting for this to be even technically presentable. Story is not really interesting.

Keep writing.
>> No. 92273
That's completely reasonable. I've already done some rework (not on the linked copy here) that basically moves the "secret" to the ending hospital scene, and incorporating some dialog along the lines you suggest between Twi and RD prior to the race. That does a great job to set up the resolute. As such, the first surprise to the reader now is at the start of the race; the second being the resolution of Twi's plan, and it feels like it does flow better (more urgency to the reader to keep reading between sections).

Going to let it sit and simmer for me for a few days here and cross my fingers that this week's episode isn't going to beat me to the punch. :)
>> No. 92280
Title: A Sweet Victory
Author: nomdepony
Tags: [Adventure][Human in Equestria]
Complete short story, 4k words

What if Discord, unable to play with Equestria any more, decided if he couldn't have it, then neither would Celestia or Luna?

Five decades later, a young stallion and his bodyguard have an interesting trip on their way to New Canterlot, dealing with the threats from both new Equestrian inhabitants and old ones.

Link: http://goo.gl/nprw6

A Sweet Victory is a short story set in an alternative universe 50 years or so after Discord removed Canterlot and let monsters from all over the universe into Equestria.

It's a swords-and-ponies story, and I'm looking for almost a Conan-esque feel with more humor, or Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser if anyone's familiar with them. The protagonists are a pony conman and his female human bodyguard.

Some blood, no gore, no clop, humans included as part of the monsters that invaded but definitely not a HiE story.
>> No. 92291
I'm glad you like it and thanks for the encouragement. The points you brought up are all true, and i know i'm guilty of them (although regarding the fat trimmming, i'm always afraid to write too less, rather than too much).

In fact i have an editor, 2 of them to be exact, and they're a great help, spotting all the odd things i missed; but as you can see that's probably not enough.

So could you give me some examples on what i miss often? i know i botch the verbs up too often and even though i reread it countless times, there's always one still having to be corrected in there. But when people bring up the grammar issues and punctuation, i'm alsways a bit confused because i think i'm sure the grammar is solid and honestly don't know what i did wrong.

Also you brought up awkward language, could you also list a few examples of that? i'm not sure what you mean with it.
>> No. 92337

I'd say the biggest issue is that you switch between 3rd person and internal monologue a lot. For example, the line "Great. Now her mind got stuck again", sort of implies a more internal monologue-based narration due to the presence of the word "Great", but the problem is that isn't the norm...sometimes you have stuff like that, sometimes you don't. It would be best to pick one and stick with it.

As far as awkward lines go, let's take this one -

>The following day Rainbow shows up in front of Derpy's house, her curiosity even urged her to skip her precious nap time.

Try saying this out loud. The message is there, but it's sort of muddled due to switching tense (shows up, urged her). Allow me to offer a rewrite -

>Rainbow shows up at Derpy's house the next day, foregoing her precious nap time out of sheer curiosity.

I save you some words, and keep the tense the same...two big things that go towards cleaning up work.

Again, the best advice I can give is to read all your work out loud. If the sentence doesn't sound good to the ear, it won't read well on paper.
>> No. 92342
Regarding the first issue, do you think evidencing the internal monologue parts in italic would help? for some reason i've found it to be very pleasant to write both as external narrator and with internal monologues.

And for the second one, i think it really shows i'm not a native speaker then, Because i find your sentence to be "weird" while mine sounds natural to me.
>> No. 92353

Sorry to be a bother, but I was wondering what was happening with this review? It's been a week, and I haven't been contacted by this reviewer, nor has he left any comments on the googledoc.
>> No. 92357

Pascoite has been a bit tied up with life and obligations concerning the fic write-off. Rest assured, your story will be reviewed very soon.
>> No. 92387

Review Acknowledged. Again, pretty disappointed with the reception, but the notes should help me improve.

One point, though. I'm starting to get a bit suspicious about one or two "comma errors" you pointed out. It's particularly common in this form:

"Z" said X, as he Y.

You suggest it should be this:

"Z" said X as he Y.

I don't see it. A comma can be legitimately used to separate two parts of a sentence, and "Z" said X and as he Y are two separate clauses. Consider:

As he Y, X said, "Z."


As he Y, X did Z.

I'll be trimming these constructions down in any case. There are far too many of those constructions. Some of them could be cut.
>> No. 92397

There really isn't much to say either, except thank you for your time. I shall take into account what you've said in the comments on the docs and on your post. This should help quite a bit on the flow of the poem.
>> No. 92398
File 133245410648.jpg - (59.60KB , 600x450 , richard diplomacy.jpg )
True, the '...as he Y.' part is a separate clause, but it's a dependent clause rendering most "Blah" said X as he Y. constructs of the Id structure. Your examples

>As he Y, X said, "Z."


>As he Y, X did Z.

are each of the d,I structure. The comma is only placed before that dependant clause in an Id structure if the clause in question contains parenthetical material. The comma corrections I marked contained simultaneous actions, not parenthetical material. Good question, though. If you want to ask anything else, I'll be right here.
>> No. 92412
>>86544 >>91161
Birthright by Netaro review

Just a note about my reviews. I do my best to explain what I am thinking and why I make suggestions. However, you are the author, so if something I say doesn't make sense, you should ask for clarification and make sure you understand what I'm suggesting and why the change would help the story before making a change. Also if you (or anyone else who for some reason decides to read this review) notices me making mistakes or giving misguided or completely wrong advice, feel free to correct me, as I do this to try to help others improve.

This is going slightly out of continuity, but since you asked about show vs tell and from what I've read in the first couple of pages, some explanation on that would be helpful.

Showing versus telling has to do with the way an author communicates information to the reader. Telling is generally (but not always) the most direct method. It lays out everything for the reader and tells them exactly what is going on. When an author tells in their writing, the reader intellectually understands what is going on in the scene and gets the information. Showing is when the author drops hints and details enough so that the reader can picture and experience what is going on with the scene. When a scene is shown, a reader imagines and empathises and generally immerses completely into the scene. Showing is how you keep a reader's interest and make the reader connect with the writing.

Showing and telling each have their place in writing. Telling will generally be faster paced and can get information across unambiguously and devoid of emotional context. So telling is particularly useful for getting across details that are important to the story, but not important to the emotional content of the story. For example: background information. In fact, one could argue that an author can only write as telling and the way they arrange the information they tell makes for showing.

Showing is generally slower paced and brings along the emotional aspect of the writing. In order to show, you place enough details so the reader can imagine the scene and infer what is going on. This keeps the reader invested in the story, since they need to put themselves in the character's shoes to understand what is going on, but in doing so, they experience the emotions of the scene. Showing is absolutely necessary when you want to give a scene any emotional punch and should be used to keep a reader involved.

To use an example that we are all familiar with from the show, let's look at showing and telling with respect to FRIENDSHIP! If you were walking down the street and some guy walks up, says, "Dude, I'm your friend," and walks off, that is like telling. Intellectually, you know that guy claims to be your friend and you could probably say that guy is your friend without anyone questioning it. But that "friendship" has little substance and you wouldn't actually trust that guy to be there for you when you need it. In contrast, if someone has let you crash on their couch, helped you throw parties, let you vent for an hour after a tough day at work, and just generally been there for you when you needed it, that is like showing. Even if they've never outright said, "I'm your friend," you've been through enough to trust them and develop a connection with them.

If you wanted to get someone to trust you, you have to show them that you are their friend. But in some situations, showing isn't appropriate both in writing and in friendship. When you are writing, it is best to avoid showing when the emotional content of detail is not relevant or important, but the information from the detail is necessary. In our friendship example, this would be like you giving a friend a birthday present. It is nice to receive some gesture of thanks from them, so if they tell you thank you or send you a card, then that is telling and that is entirely appropriate for the situation. However, if they decide to make a TV commercial thanking you, commission a lifesize bronze statue of you, and change the name of their sibling to yours, you would probably be really confused about the unnecessary overreaction. In fact, doing any of those things because they are your friend would likely be seen as an overreaction. So when you are showing something, make sure that what you are showing is important to the story and also that you don't overdo it when trying to show something.

Finally, this isn't something I've seen in your writing yet, but it is something that I've seen writers do fairly often. Sometimes a writer will spend a paragraph or two beautifully showing some detail and then decide to tell exactly what they were showing immediately afterward. In friendship terms, this would be like spending an afternoon hanging out with your friend and then out of the blue, having him ask, "So, we're friends, right?" If someone asks this, I'm immediately thinking about why he needs to call attention to this fact and whether there is something I need to know that would change this fact, which kind of puts the friendship on hold until that is resolved. When someone does this in writing, I always wonder why they thought it was necessary to bring up the point again. While there may be situations where doing this is useful (eg, reaching a climax of a romance when the characters are just revealing their feelings for each other, having them outright tell the other one that they love them), but in the vast majority of cases, it just ruins the effect of showing so it is something to avoid.

In summary, showing should be used whenever you want the reader to feel some type of emotion about the writing. Telling should be used to get information across that doesn't need emotional context or has emotional context tangent to the story. When showing, make sure what you are showing is important and that you don't overdo it when you try to show.

Now as for how to find how you are doing on showing and telling, I refer you to this post >>89502 by Dublio referencing an old review of mine in which I outline a simplistic heuristic to help you figure out what is showing and what is telling. This should give you a basic idea of how to determine what information you are showing and what information you are telling. Keep in mind that this analysis is coming from a low level and so is information based and doesn't touch on analysis with regards to showing the emotion of the passage or making the audience infer plot events rather than having to explicitly write each scene.

Another thing to look for with regards to telling is usage of the verb "to be," since you are using past tense, was and were. These verbs are often used in telling, because they are the simplest way to communicate a piece of information and they generally have very little emotional connotation. This review uses a ridiculous amount of verbs like this because I'm trying to convey the information as clearly as possible and maintain an objective tone. However, fiction generally relies on some kind of emotional response from its readers and forcing readers to infer some information helps keep them engaged and more likely to respond emotionally to the story. So if you have a sentence that uses the verb was/were that can be changed to a more active verb without changing the meaning very much, that can improve the impact of your writing. Also, if you see that you have several sentences in a paragraph or within a small span that all use the construct <subject> was/were <rest of sentence>, you can avoid boring the reader with repetitive sentence structure by changing the verb usage. Also, if you use the construct there was/were, that is often a strong indicator of telling and that the sentence can be improved by rewording it with an active verb. For example, you have the sentence
>There were places where nature grew wild and unchecked, like the Everfree Forest, but everywhere else, the plants and trees...
This can be rewritten in an active voice as
>In the Everfree Forest, nature grew wild and unchecked, but nearly everywhere else, the plants and trees...
This speeds the pacing, gives the sentence a stronger tone, and avoids an overused sentence construct without changing the meaning of the sentence.
You can use was/were on occasion, but if you want to set any kind of tone for your writing, using those verbs sparsely strengthens the effect.

Another thing related to showing and was/were that you should be aware of is passive voice. Passive voice is when the entity that performs the action is turned around and the object that the action happens to is the subject of the sentence. Now that the inscrutable technical definition is out of the way, let's use an example to make this clear. A typical sentence has a subject, who performs an action; a verb, which is the action; and an object, which is the recipient of the action. So the sentence: I made cookies. has subject I, verb made, and object cookies. This sentence is in active voice because the subject is the one performing the action. Passive voice switches the order. So the sentence: The cookies were made by me. is in passive voice. The most obvious forms of passive voice are when you have the construct <conjugation of be><past tense verb> eg: was made, is called, will be destroyed. Passive voice generally destroys any emotional impact and often slows the pace down unnecessarily, so in most cases in fiction, it is best to avoid it. Especially when you see the construct <Beginning of sentence including subject> was/were <past tense verb> <non-empty end of sentence>, it is often very easy to turn around the sentence to avoid passive voice. For example, you have the passive voice sentence:
>The land was often tended to by earth ponies.
which can be easily reworded as
>Earth ponies often tended the land.
Although, this looks like the type of sentence that could have been intentionally passive-voiced

There are times when passive voice is useful and even preferable. When the subject that performs the action is not known or not necessary, then passive voice is often cleaner and clearer. For example:
>Applebloom sobbed as the officer told her the news. Somepony had murdered Applejack.
>Applebloom sobbed as the officer told her the news. Applejack had been murdered.
Since we don't know who committed the murder and from the context, the identity of the murderer isn't as important as the identity of the victim, the second example works much better than the first.
Another example:
>Ever since Nurse Redheart delivered Pipsqueak in Ponyville Hospital two years ago, the colt had tormented the locals with his antics.
>Ever since Pipsqueak was delivered in Ponyville Hospital two years ago, the colt had tormented the locals with his antics.
The information that Nurse Redheart delivered Pipsqueak detracts from the sentence since the rest of it is about Pipsqueak, so it is better to make Pipsqueak the focus of the sentence.

While these examples illustrate when passive voice could be useful when used intentionally, in the vast majority of cases in fanfiction, it is just used as a go-to format to tell something. Since fixing passive voice often involves replacing something happening to something, with something performing an action, it generally makes the writing more engaging and helps with showing.

In order to identify passive voice, you look at how the verb relates to the subject and the object. The easiest and most common occurrences are the <conjugation of be><past tense verb> construct. These is the standard obvious passive voice form and most of the glaring passive voice occurrences will be of this form. We'll look at using the general method though

>Applebloom was found by Scootaloo.
In this example, Applebloom is the subject, found is the action, and Scootaloo is the object, but since Scootaloo is performing the action, we see that the sentence is in passive voice. This can be easily rewritten as
>Scootaloo found Applebloom.

>Applejack was running from Rainbow Dash.
In this example, Applejack is the subject, running is the action, and Rainbow Dash is the object. Since Applejack is the one performing the action, this sentence is not passive voice. However, this is an unnecessary use of was that could be corrected fairly easily.
>Applejack ran from Rainbow Dash.

Now an example from your fic.
>Zephyrus, Boreas, Notos, and Eurus, the main winds of the world that moved the air around, were always maintained by the pegasi...
The subject of this sentence is the list of winds, the action is the maintaining (not moving air around as that is a description which is redundant given that they are winds), and the object is the pegasi. In this situation, the pegasi are performing the maintenance, so this sentence is in passive voice. This can be changed to active voice with removal of redundant description
>The pegasi maintained Zephyrus, Boreas, Notos, and Eurus, the four main winds of Equestria.
The second half of this sentence needs a lot more work, but I'll get to that a little later.

This should give you a decent idea of how to deal with the most common show vs tell issues that you will run into. Now that I've taken up the majority of the character count for a post, I'll get to actually looking at your story.

Overall, the prologue comes off as fairly weak and pretty boring. The reason for this is mostly because of the perspective that you chose to focus on with regards to the events. You decided to show the events of the Shift by focusing on a character who is basically a vegetable. He literally sleeps through most of the action and has absolutely no reaction to the chaos going on around him. If the only character we really see can't be interested enough to even open his eyes, why should the reader bother to care about what happens? Even a neutral narrator that tells the events would be better than a character that is completely uninterested. The Shift is extremely creative and has a lot of potential for world-building. Showing the end of magic and the devastation to the pegasi should make for a very potent, gripping scene. You just have to show it through the eyes of a something that is at least not actively disinterested. As it is written now, it almost seems like you were being lazy or didn't have any confidence that you could write a hard-hitting scene, so you completely nerfed it and gave yourself an out to avoid writing anything beyond base details.

If I were to try to write the scene for maximal emotional impact, it would be through the eyes of a high ranking pegasus, who is stationed on a cloud or a balloon or something to that effect. He watches the change in the sky. Then, he notices the other pegasi struggling to fly. After seeing one hit the ground, he jumps from his post to try and help the others, realising too late what has happened to the pegasi. The scene cuts out as he nears the ground, wondering what will become of Equestria. This might be a bit darker than what you are going for, but it introduces the Shift and shows how much the Shift will affect Equestria, while giving a convenient out for why you don't see the introductory character again. This wouldn't let you tell what happens after the shift, but that could be discussed as thoughts from the next few introduced characters.

You don't have to use this particular introduction, you are welcome to if you would like to use it but you should at least give the scene a chance to have emotional impact rather than immediately stunting it by using a stagnant character.

Now to the line-by-line:

Starting off with a quote which I'm guessing is a ponyfied quote from someone else, so there are questions about whether attributing it to them is correct, but that's probably not super important is an interesting stylistic choice. I'm guessing you are emulating published works that start chapters with someone else's quotes. On the one hand, it can set a mood for the chapter that you can build off of. On the other hand, it isn't something you see very often in fanfiction and it can come off as you not knowing how to set the mood on your own. This isn't saying that starting with a quote is correct or incorrect, just trying to make sure you are aware of how it can be interpreted.

>Days like these were everypony's favorite, for they falsely promised that everything could stay the same, unchanging, until the very end of the world.
This is your initial sentence. It's not bad, the unchanging is a little redundant, but you are pretty clearly going for a particular voice, so it's probably fine. However, most of the first part of the prologue is filled with vague, general statements like this one. One or two of these is ok and can be very effective at setting a particular mood, but they really only work to set up the mood of a section, which should then switch to less general descriptions. General statements on their own will be much less effective than using more relateable constructions like character interactions or setting scenery, and general statements lose their effectiveness after one maybe two sentences in a row. For example, this sentence would work fine as an introduction where you immediately cut to characters enjoying the day and then show the scene where things no longer stay the same. However, you have this as an introduction to another page of these vague narrative statements. While I can tell that you are going for a grandiose, mysterious, ominous type of tone, it falls flat very quickly and just seems like you are trying to sound deep and mysterious. If you use one or two of these types of sentences and then intersperse the general information (like the statements about the Princesses and weather) within the scene to break up the monotony.

Also related to this is your narrator's voice. I haven't seen too much about this from other reviewers, so you may want to get a second opinion about this, but it seems that instead of deciding whether the narrative voice for the prologue should be a formal, erudite style or an informal, colloquial style filled with interjections of opinion, you just alternate every couple paragraphs. This was only obvious in the prologue, so I'm guessing it's a side effect of artificially trying to dramatise the beginning, but I think it deserves a mention. Here's an example of consecutive paragraphs that should illustrate what I'm talking about:
>The sun and moon, shining high over the horizon, controlled by the primordial magic of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, illuminating all the wonders of Equestria and the world, was the main factor which allowed the ponies to fine-tune nature for all their needs.
>Not for long, anyway.
If you look at these, the first uses an overly complicated clause structure along with an attempt at complex language, as well as the passive tone that would indicate a very formal tone.
The second is not even a complete sentence, just an off-the-cuff remark.

When you are using a third person perspective and writing something that isn't exclusively comedy that uses the narrator as a comedic foil, the narrator is best served as a conveyor of information that calls as little attention to itself as possible. This allows a reader to immerse themselves in a story and lets the imagination run wild, as opposed to stopping them and reminding them that they are reading a story.
>> No. 92415
>>92412 Part 1

>But nothing ever stays the same. The order of things that existed since the earliest days was about to change.
These types of sentences are vacuous and redundant. You mentioned that things falsely stay the same in the previous paragraph. Since we are at the beginning of a story, it goes without saying that things will end up changing. Adding extra sentences to describe this is just bogging your fic down.
Also, this is the informal narrator section.

>The sun and moon, shining high over the horizon, controlled by the primordial magic of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, illuminating all the wonders of Equestria and the world, was the main factor which allowed the ponies to fine-tune nature for all their needs.
Remember when I said this had an overly complicated clause structure? You made it so complicated, you confused yourself. I'm not really certain what this is supposed to say. As it is written, it kind of reads that the sun and moon were the listed main factor (ignoring the grammar derp of was/were), but that wouldn't make a ton of sense. I'm guessing you meant the magic of Celestia and Luna, but the sentence isn't close to reading that way. Even if you are going for an overly haughty tone, write the sentences in a way such that they are understandable and don't be afraid to break up long sentences into shorter ones. Here's a correction that I think makes this clearer.
>The sun and moon, shining high over the horizon, fell under the dominion of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Their magic not only controlled the motion of those heavenly bodies, but also allowed ponies to fine-tune nature as they saw fit.

>maintained by the pegasi so as to never ever allow anything bad to happen.
This part of the sentence is incredibly awkward. You have a split infinitive Which some will say is a grammatical error, but meh, a dramatic shift from proper names and formal language in the first part of the sentence to the informality of "never ever allow anything bad to happen" which sounds like something that a five-year old or Pinkie Pie might say, and an unnecessary negation. As a rule, when you state something as a negative (ie: never, not), it is often clearer and simpler to use different language and restate it without the negation. We can fix all three of the "errors" by fixing the negation.
>maintained by the pegasi to avoid inclement weather.

>endanger the lives of ponies and other creatures that inhabited the area of their influence.
You have a lot of unnecessary words tacked onto the end of this sentence. When you are considering adding a detail to a sentence, think carefully about what that detail accomplishes. A good rule of thumbhoof?: Each detail should either be necessary information for the plot, reveal something about the character, or help establish the setting. In this particular sentence, the other creatures are negligibly important and can probably be removed. The "that inhabited the area of their influence" is certainly implied where else would their actions have any effect? so you can remove that portion.
>endanger the lives of ponies.
Also, note that this section seems to use was/were even more than typical. Changing the sentence structure will make the fic more interesting to read by breaking up repetitive structure, and by changing from was/were, you will necessarily have to use more active verbs, which enlivens the tone.

Lots of passive voice. I explained that above, just noting to watch out for it in this section of the prologue.

>Tension hung in the air
Massive telling and incredibly cliched. If you want to show this, you show ponies or other animals on a hair-trigger or something like that. This is one of the most obvious examples of telling.

>As others worked with their hooves or wings, they did everything by their horns,
When you have a list or multiple related clauses, if you can use a parallel structure, it gives the sentence a rhythm that allows the reader to interpret the sentence easier.
>As others worked with their hooves or wings, they worked with their horns,
Parallel structure is the one place where repetition of words is more effective.

>Since ancient times, nothing has changed.
Has is a present tense verb. Be careful to keep the story one tense, in your stories case, past tense.
The corrected sentence would look like:
>Since ancient times, nothing had changed.
although I would recommend avoiding this type of sentence since it is redundant with a lot of your other sentences and doesn't add much.

>This rude awakening was caused by an event most peculiar.
This sentence is basically vacuous. When you mention a sudden awakening, it is implied that such as event would be peculiar.

>A deafening roar, like a crack of thunder, was so loud it could be heard even by the deaf and the dead.
>The sound seemingly emanated from no fixed source.
Both of these sentences from the same paragraph are very odd descriptions. They are not wrong, but they did make me pause for a moment and go, "Huh?" The "could be heard even by the deaf and the dead" seemed very incongruous. Saying the sound emanated from no fixed source didn't make sense to me; I'm guessing you meant that the sound didn't come from a single point, but instead came from all around. Perhaps descriptions like:
>A deafening roar, like a crack of thunder, sent shockwaves into the ground.
>The sound seemingly emanated from every direction.

>De facto, except pegasus ponies and terrified eyewitnesses, not many cared about their sudden loss of flight capabilities. There were far more serious problems than that.
Starting a sentence with "De facto" seems like unnecessarily adding extra phrases to seem sophisticated and it doesn't particularly work there, as it is normally used as an adjective role (as in de facto president), not a conjunctive role. Also, even though the loss of other magic is fairly significant, the ponies haven't started hating each other yet, so I don't see why the death of the vast majority of a species wouldn't be the most serious problem and at least somewhat concerning to every other pony.

The rest of the prologue is description of the chaos, which isn't bad, but you do include a lot of misguided details, and then a large info dump at the end. For the details, try to make sure every detail you include adds to the story. You seem to have quite a few places where you add tangential details, which are related to the previous sentence, but not actually relevant to the story, or redundant details, where you restate something obvious that doesn't need restating. These somewhat overlap, but checking both
>And after stating that old piece of ancestral knowledge, he went to his peaceful nap again, without a care in the world about the many mysterious wet sounds near him, which sounded like something heavy was hitting the ground.
The "And after stating that old piece of ancestral knowledge" is redundant. It is obvious from the context that it is some old adage or superstition. The "which sounded like something heavy was hitting the ground" is tangential and mostly redundant. While it does technically describe the sounds, it isn't relevant to the action, since Golden Barley doesn't actually bother paying attention to what they sound like. Furthermore, given the description from above, we already know what is happening with the pegasi falling, so describing the sound like that is just constraining imagination.
>He went back to his peaceful nap, without a second thought to the impacts all around him.

If you haven't heard the term info dump, that's where you have a large section of information, usually background information, and always in the form of telling. Often, as with history, there's not a way to get the information across without having to tell it. With info dumps, it is best if you can weave the information into some of the narrative, breaking it up into smaller chunks which are less likely to scare off readers. For your story, weaving it in might be tricky since you wanted the old history to be mostly forgotten by the time we get to the main narrative and showing the Shift means that the told events occur over a large period of time afterward. I would recommend weaving as much of it into a narrative if at all possible and beyond that, remember that if you have a strong initial hook and show readers why they want to read your story, you will have a longer leash when it comes to having a section of info dump.

Onto the main chapters, one error that I see occurring very often are punctuating verbatim thought and, less often, but still pervasive, dialogue. Here's a copy paste from an old review that explains the punctuation process and gives examples.

Also, there is the specific formatting that dialogue should take. If there is a direct attribution of the dialogue, then that attribution should be considered to be part of the same sentence. In this situation, special characters such as question marks or exclamation marks should be treated as commas with regard to capitalising any immediately following attribution. Some examples of this are:
>"Typical dialogue statements will use a comma," said the reviewer.
>The reviewer explained, "This policy of using a comma applies for preceding attributions as well."
>"Do you see how the attribution isn't capitalised even with the question mark?" the reviewer asked.
>"I'm guessing this enthusiasm seems forced!" exclaimed the reviewer.
Note that the verb used in the attribution must be a speaking verb.
When the statement is not a direct attribution, then you make the statement and the quotation separate sentences. Some examples of this are:
>"The following statement is not an attribution." The reviewer smiled as he spoke.
>The reviewer's voice cracked as he spoke. "These pieces of dialogue seem extremely contrived."
>"Are these examples at all useful?" The reviewer stared at the screen, trying to imagine the look on the reader's face.
>"I enjoy toast!" The reviewer's increasingly random outbursts indicated a fracturing of his sanity.

Thoughts should be punctuated similarly, except the section between quotes should be in italics and the quotation marks should be removed.
>I'm thinking, the reviewer thought, stating the obvious.
>Can you see what I'm thinking? the reviewer wondered.
>You can? That's kind of creepy. The reviewer backed away slowly.
>Hey Peter Frampton, do you like toast too? The reviewer's thoughts turned to pathetic attempts at humour by reference.

Single quotes should only be used for quotes within quotes, and follow typical punctuation rules.
>"So I said, 'Single quotes should only be used for quotes within quotes,'" quoted the reviewer.

The issue that I see most often is punctuating verbatim thought, where you use quotes, which aren't generally used for thoughts. You do this just about every time.
With dialogue, there are a few places where you capitalise attributions after uncommon punctuation (basically, examples 3 and 4 of the first set of examples, occasionally with ellipses) and a few places where you incorrectly connect sentences that aren't attributions to the dialogue (second set of examples).

This next section will be much less comprehensive than the prologue as it is mostly impressions of the fic on the first readthrough.

>Somepony please help me...
>Now was a good time to cross the forest.
I printed out the fic and these were consecutive sentences on separate pages. I had to go check the document to make sure I hadn't mixed up pages. Having Lanky complaining monologue doesn't add very much to the setting.

Your sense of important details is sketchy. Look at this passage.
>Everything was as he expected. Trees, trees, trees, snake that almost constricted him, trees, old abandoned cottage covered in vines, trees, trees...?
>"What the hay?"
>Now, that was interesting. As soon as his mind registered that there was an old cottage, he galloped there
The abandoned cottage catches his attention, but the near death experience doesn't? Yes, you say there are predators, but the main character nearly dying is always a relevant detail. If your list was for a office worker, I think the scene would go something like:
>"Hey, honey. How was work?"
>"Oh, you know. The usual. Receipts, taxes, forms, Dan from accounting tried to stab me, more forms and receipts- Oh yeah, there was one interesting thing. I found an old woman's will in the forms I was sorting through. How crazy is that?"
The only way something like this would work is if it is very clearly designed as black humour, which since you have the rest of the story written as though it should be taken seriously and you don't anything remotely comedic in the tags, so I can only assume that this is supposed to be taken seriously. If you want to mention predators in an offhand matter, mention tracks or other signs like that.

>"Hmmm... I don't think anypony will miss that ... he extended his forehoof to take it.
You have two paragraphs painstakingly describing the justifications Lanky has for taking the pendant. While showing some of his thoughts can be useful for developing the character's moral sense, two paragraphs is far too long for what should be a simple
>He scanned the abandoned cottage once more, checking for any missed signs of inhabitants and then picked up the jewel.

>In an illogical attempt to end his life right now
>in a move that went against all logic of self-preservation
These descriptions are best to avoid. True, they are accurate, but explicitly saying his actions made no logical sense, especially without later showing why such actions make sense, just makes a reader wonder why the author thought it was a good idea to make the author act that way. If you just give the justifications that you have in place without mentioning the illogicality of the actions, they are well within typical suspension of disbelief. Calling attention to how stupid the actions makes the reader doubt the validity of the reasons that provide a reasonable amount of justification already.

>That thing, on the other hoof, was also interesting, but still less interesting than the pendant.
This statement is completely meaningless. By mentioning an object in the story, you show that the object is at least somewhat interesting and since both the book and the pendant occurred in the same place and were equally accessible, you showed the pendant was more interesting.
Also, the word "interesting" in narration tends to be very weak. It is like the was/were construct in that it is easy to use as a basic construct for opinions, but is too vague and bland to get anything across. When I use "interesting" to describe something, I'm generally trying to be deliberately non-committal about something.

>Lost in thoughts, Lanky made a mistake. It's never a good idea to lead the mind astray when scouting,
This is irrelevant. When you say something is a mistake, it should actually be a significant mistake that affects the plot and puts the character in a significantly worse situation. This results in Lanky being startled by the transmission, rather than being ready for it. If this was a recurrent flaw, then maybe it could be justified, but right now, it is only included as unnecessary detail.

>come here, we've found something very interesting. You have to see it!"
The "very interesting" is redundant. While it is dialogue and so more acceptable, when they tell him they found something and that he should come back, it is implied that the something they found is interesting.
>come here, we've found something!"

>both had totally identical voices
This is a very naive characterisation to have. Unless this characterisation is extremely important to some part of the story which it isn't in any of the chapters listed, you should get rid of this. It just comes off as you being too lazy to make individual characters and unnecessarily complicating the descriptions of the two by having to make it known that he can't tell which is which when they talk. Even if the characterisation is important to the story, I'd recommend rewriting it so it seems more like it is a problem just for Lanky, rather than having objectively identical voices, which comes off as extremely unlikely.
>both talked so he couldn't tell their voices apart.

>Finding a weakened, dehydrated pony in that forest, a condition which many predators would definitely exploit?
You mention this as though this would be an odd state for another pony when going through a forest where nothing is edible or drinkable for ponies. I can understand the incredulity of finding another pony, but finding it in a weakened or exhausted state if it was alone isn't all that surprising. Also, you've attempted to make the Everfree sound really terrifying and dangerous, but from the story so far, it just seems overhyped.

>The pony standing over the teal-colored stranger nodded, happy inside Healer hadn't told her to wash that pony up.
This is another place where the detail not only added nothing to the story, but broke me out of any immersion to ask, "Why would you bother to include that?" In this case, telling what random-pony-who-you-don't-bother-to-name-and-never-address-again thinks about not washing the stranger.
>The pony standing over the teal-colored stranger nodded.

>"Hey! Siren!" He said
>"...Hi...Hihihi..." She giggled
Putting these here for continuity, but here are examples of incorrectly punctuated dialogue. I wanted to show you what a few corrected examples looked like from your fic.
>"Hey! Siren!" he said
>"...Hi...Hihihi..." she giggled
>> No. 92417
>>92412 Part 1
>>92415 Part 2

This point was intentionally placed at the top of a post. This is pretty important
>Luckily for them, nopony else heard the dull clap ... By now, he knew perfectly how to hit her as to not draw any blood and not leave any marks he'd have problems explaining.
I'm going to heavily advise you to change this. Domestic violence is a very volatile subject for a lot of readers, so having this come out of nowhere will get a lot of readers to drop your fic straight off. As in, you would have gotten a review ~10 days earlier from a better reviewer than me, except he saw this and immediately dropped it. Since reviewers are much more willing to review stories than read stories, this is going to scare off tons of readers.
I'm not as touchy about domestic violence Heck, I've used it in my own writing, but I'm advising you against it because it is very unnecessary here and it comes way out of nowhere. If you were talking about breaking trust in a relationship or showing an abusive dynamic of a villainous character, something where abuse is about the only way to get the necessary information across, then I could maybe see the necessity of this type of abuse. But you are using it to bring a character back into focus. This can be done by any type of distraction, whether it be making a loud sound, starting a song, or even pulling out something shiny. Abuse should only be used if absolutely necessary and should be the kind of event you spend most of the story building to.
Also, this IMMEDIATELY makes Healer into a villain. This is extremely jarring, because nothing beforehand or afterwards for that matter supports this characterisation. So it just makes you look like you don't know what you are doing when writing this type of section.

>"Yup, he did!" It was Red who decided to respond to Lanky's question.
In the prologue, I mentioned that avoiding overly complicated sentence structures is a good idea. This goes for using unnecessarily long sentences, even when they are straightforward.
>"Yup, he did!" replied Red.

Most of the rest of things I noticed were just unnecessary details that don't fit with the rest of the story. In particular, watch out for clarifying language, details that are added in order to deeper explain other details or give some sort of unrelated context. These are often deleterious to the narrative and are usually in the form of telling, so if you can get rid of them, you are much better off.

When Lanky is telling the story of why he was in the Everfree Forest, you should make it clearer that that he's lying and you are having him intentionally lie.Because if he's not intentionally lying, then we need to talk. The way he acts afterward makes it seem like his story was the actual reason for going on the journey. Also, using technology as the explanation for why the story is a lie is a bit of a cop out, since you only reference general armoured vehicles and not specific advanced technology. Also you can avoid the cop out by using any of the fact thatLanky doesn't act in the rigid, logical, organised manner that would be required for an accountant; nopony is going to go on a vacation to relieve stress through a "dangerous"you already know what I think of the Everfree being dangerousEverfree forest, within a short enough distance of hostile territory that getting distracted for a moment during a chase can send them into it; that a "good outdoorsman" wouldn't go careening off into the wilderness without supplies or a partner, whether scouting or chasing another pony; that he claims to have been travelling for two days, even though earlier he talks about not getting all the way through in one day, which would imply that they just recently started travelling; etc Even though most of these reasons aren't ones that Teal would know to call out the lie, they are enough that Lanky should know his story has holes.
Also, the entire paragraph after the story is unnecessary detail.

Another plot hole. Why does Tree Root bring the order to have Lanky and Teal executed, then help them escape, when she could just delay two seconds and then pick them up after they are deported? It just makes you look like you don't know what you are doing and are trying to artificially heighten drama, but are doing it in possibly the stupidest possible way. I mean if you desperately want to keep the sudden death sentence, at least have it delivered by a pony different than the one who is leading the rescue effort.

I would recommend removing the entire scene with the guards waffling. It makes absolutely no sense to have ponies who are trusted enough to have the ability to unlock prisoners, change sides because they heard that the punishment was extremely severe. They would likely assume that the accused did something much worse that wasn't released. Even if they decided that their leaders had gone insane and were punishing small infractions with unnecessary serious punishments,WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY DESERT, which is far more serious than trespassing? That entire section just seems like artificially trying to garner sympathy for characters that don't need it, since the excessive nature of the death sentence is pretty obvious.
Also, that scene really doesn't have any impact on the rest of the story, since Teal's spell gives a pretty reasonable justification for their escape and we never see the guards again.

Somewhat related to the previous section are my opinions on the character Lanky. It seems that others don't act reasonably toward him, like with the guards above. Another example is Teal helping him escape. Teal needs another pony to get the guards to come when he does the spell, but why does Teal decide to help him further, particularly when he has no reason to trust Lanky after calling out Lanky's lie of a story. I can see him allowing Lanky to follow along, but expending all the extra to help Lanky escape, particularly after Lanky botches the situation with the picture makes no sense at all. Lanky is at best an annoyance to Teal, yet Teal for some reason decides to help even though he could just use an invisibility spell and get out on his own.
Another thing I noticed is Lanky doesn't seem to have a fixed personality. He just acts generally impulsively and somewhat immaturely however he feels at the time, but doesn't seem to have to deal with this. For example, he is supposed to be something of a leader in the travelling group, as stated in these lines
>Lanky, ... a rather good scout in his own right, took the lead.
>We've met recently, he's acting as the group's
but he doesn't ever act responsibly by thinking ahead, trying to keep his cool, or attempting to have a polite conversation with anyone other than Red Snow or Sweet Whisper. If he is supposed to act this way, then that is fine, but you should have other characters respond appropriately. On another note, his conversations generally come off as forced and there were a few times when I was very confused where his comments came from.
Teal generally seems ok as a character. He came off a bit weird before the reveal that he is a unicorn, but afterward he seems like a reasonable character. Just make sure the use of magic actually has some sort of drawback rather than an ineffective pain that he can just constantly power through whenever necessary.

For some reason, I liked the beginning of the first third chapter much more than any other part of the fic. I'm not entirely certain why. I liked the dynamic between Green Leaf and Grandstone and Green Leaf comes off as a fairly well done character, but I remember noting that I liked the chapter more than the rest before their interaction started. I looked over it again and couldn't find anything obvious. I wish I could point to something specific, but whatever you did with this section, great work. It could just be that I just subconsciously got sick of hearing about Lanky and seeing a scene that focused on other characters made me like it better, but that's kind of my least favourite possible interpretation.

The letter seems very well written, if you were going for a slightly more mature Rainbow Dash. It doesn't sound at all like Pinkie Pie, even if she was supposed to have lost the party in her head. Even when she became Pinkamena or became Discorded, she still spoke with her typical randomness and Pinkie vocabulary, it was just directed toward the negative rather than positive.

Overall, this has the potential to be an epic story. The overall structure of the world seems to be internally consistent and fairly well thought out, although we haven't seen too much thus far. As you mentioned in the intro post, the entire thing could use an overhaul for show vs tell issues. You need to work on including the correct low-level details (although fixing a lot of show vs tell should help with that) and ironing out a few inconsistent bits. Also, picking the right perspectives for the story would go a long way, especially in the prologue. I would also like to see Lanky rounded into a more consistent character, where his actions are more defined by character traits and his typical responses to others rather than what needs to occur in the plot.
If any of my explanations are unclear, feel free to ask and I'll do my best to explain better.

Keep Writing.
>> No. 92434
Sorry, got caught up in judging the /fic/ write-off, which came up sooner than I expected. I'm starting on your fic tonight and should finish tomorrow.
>> No. 92436

Excellent. Thanks!
>> No. 92438
>> No. 92447
Tags: [Dark]

Synopsis: Princess Celestia has led Equestria into an age of near-universal prosperity, with crime and unemployment virtually extinguished. But when a small group of young ponies begin agitating on behalf of democracy and their right to self-determination, how will Celestia reconcile all the good she's done as an unelected ruler with the truth behind the protesters' arguments? And as Luna continues to grapple with the profound isolation in her life, will she be able to withstand the pressure of high-profile criticism and direct confrontation?

Chapter 1:
>> No. 92476

Sorry for my delayed reply. Thank you much for reviewing my crappy Luna X Celestia ship fic.

The punctuation errors are understood, and will be corrected when I can muster up the gumption to go do it.

As for the actual plot, you totally guessed right. I was asked to invent a reason why the two sisters would be doing such a thing, while keeping them both in character. I hope I was able to do that much.

I pictured the whole "world destruction" as not being a sudden cataclysm, but a series of cumulative events that would have intensified over the course of many centuries. I guess I have to go back to make that more clear. Either that, or I could go total comedy. That would entail showing that the whole ordeal was Luna using illusion/mind-bending magics to get her sister in bed, just so she can take pictures with a hidden camera, and use them for blackmail later.

On another note: recently my writing was accused of being boring. I hate that more than any other mistake I could make. This was kind of an exercise to be more interesting (sort of). So if you enjoyed it even a little, then others will too ... I hope. Thank you again.
>> No. 92485
Hello, I'm back for round two.
Based on the reviews I've gotten, the biggest issue seems to be the lack of descriptive scenes and characters.

Title: Neo-Equestria
Tags: [Alternative Universe] [Adventure] [Dark]
Summary: In an Equestria where technology drives ponykind, there is no greater discovery than the gemstone reactors that provide energy to the privileged ponies of Equinetropolis, Canterlot and other major cities.
However, progress is not without its sacrifices. And regrettably, with great power comes corruption and greed.
Bound by the invisible threads of fate, our unlikely heroes will together face the greatest peril the land has ever seen.


EQD Pre-reader comments.


Dear Author:

Good morning! I'm Pre-reader 23-ish and I'll be going over your story today.

[List of Issues]

1) Capitalization issues. In Applejack's lingo, Ah is I and therefore should be capitalized. A few times, you don't.
2) Punctuation issues. Should have a comma after bed.
“Why ain’t you in bed missy?”
3) Scene building. You've set up a plausible alternate reality Equestria. Now give us the details. You need to describe things better; right now, most of the story seems to occur in a vacuum. You speed right along and stick two ponies in a room and have them talk. But what about the room? What about the lighting? Time of day? Carpet? Tables? Anything? When I read this story, almost everything occurs in a white box with the ponies moving around in it. Give me the details.
4) Along that line, you still need to describe the ponies themselves. If this is an Alternate Reality Equestria, how are THEY different? ARE they different? We need to know.
I think that is my primary complaint... you've built the skeleton of a world but not put much flesh on the bones. Same for the ponies, too.

[Suggested Fixes]
I think this story has potential, and I think you might need a bit of help to realize it. I'd like you to take your story to Ponychan and ask for a full review. Share with them my comments above, and see if they agree (I think they will). Then ask how to help flesh things out in terms of scenery, wardrobe, etc.
When you resubmit, include a link to the review thread so we can take a look at their thoughts as well.


Couple of things you might like to know:
This was reviewed by four reviewers on these boards before submission. If you would like to see these reviews just let me know, I have a copy of them saved somewhere.
Also, the story is still in MintyRest's queue (I think...)

Thanks in advance to whoever picks it up.
>> No. 92533
File 133250341876.png - (151.69KB , 800x500 , Beautiful Katamare PonyChan.png )
Tags: [Comedy][Random]

Synopsis: When Princess Luna finds herself drunk after one of Pinkie Pie's parties, she does the most stupidest thing of all. Now, with a aching hangover, she is forced by her big sister to rectify her mistake.

Main Story Plus Epilogue:


I'd like the grammar and punctuation looked at closely, I'm still getting the hang of quotation marks and the word "said". Also, I guess a review would be helpful too.
>> No. 92586
-Title: Minotamed

-Author: Silverquill

-Tags: [Comedy] [Slice of Life]

-Synopsis: Fluttershy receives a familiar visitor one day, a certain minotaur named Iron Will. When he asks her to teach him her kind ways, she decides to help him. But what if he takes the lessons a little too close to heart?

(Based off the prompt 'A Double-edged Sword')

-Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sR-PMumbj8JFdjt2Isb-H_g3ztaiXqi2rkMxlLdkqBs/edit#

-Comments: This scored second place in the /fic/ write off, so hopefully that says something in terms of quality. However, a couple issues people pointed out:

-Ending's a bit rushed (I agree with this)
-Someone said something about em dashes. I'm not quite sure what this means.

I'm open to any and all advice, though. Aiming to submit this to EqD, or at least make it look great for fimfiction.

(Also, if anyone wants to, I'd appreciate if more than one reviewer could look at this. My story seems to be half and half; some readers love it, and some feel it just isn't their thing. Multiple opinions would definitely help.)
>> No. 92588
Detailed comments plus some live chat done in-doc.

You listed a passel o' editors, and while I'd hope that many would have weeded out more than they did, I do have to say that the story was in much better shape than most I see. I was able to go through it relatively quickly, since I didn't get bogged down in fixing vast quantities of mechanical errors.

First, let me say that I read Lunar Shadow's comments on the story as well, and he gives good advice. I didn't care to repeat a lot of what he said, but consider his thoughts echoed. I found it interesting that both Lunar and I went several pages at times without finding things needing a comment. Our gaps didn't line up, though. It's a perfect example of why it's valuable to get multiple viewpoints.

You had quite a few instances of colons used in an appositive manner, which is fine, if unusual. It will look odd to a reader; that wouldn't necessarily be a problem if there were a few passing instances, but there must have been about 8 of them in here. Cut back just for the sake of not being off-putting.

This may not be a popular opinion, but...
I rather like the grammatical errors that gradually diminish as April ages. It lends an air of authenticity to the childlike writing. I think they're excusable because they fit the mood. In addition, a diary is essentially a dialogue, and the rules of grammar are relaxed in speech if it fits the character and situation. I'm okay with it, but not everyone will be.

After the first two entries, it's not really evident that the scenes are still in the diary. It felt more like a narration. It's odd to see some of the level of detail and verbatim dialogue presented as direct quotes in a diary. It kept making me ask, "Is this really something that someone would write in a journal?"

There are some tricky spots with verb tenses. Be consistent with using past tense, thought there are places where present is justified. For example, in the description of the photo album, present is fine when describing the pictures, because they still exist in the present. You would use past in descriptions of them if April were discussing them from memory because they had been destroyed, for example. I may be wrong about this. Any other reviewers reading this that disagree: please chime in.

There were a few prime instances where I noted missed opportunities to do more showing than telling, but keep the concept in mind throughout the story. Showing is most important during key plot development or emotional scenes. It can be more difficult to execute from a first-person perspective because It can be awkward for the narrator to describe her own facial expression (unless she can see it for some reason) or reactions (because they are often involuntary or unnoticed). Put yourself in the room with the characters. What cues of body language, action, facial expression would you pick up to deduce their emotions? Avoid blunt, outright statements of a character's emotions or excessive -ly adverbial descriptions of how actions are performed. Give the reader the evidence and let him draw the conclusion you want. It's more engaging.

April's character is well-developed, and I get a pretty complete picture of who she is. You've done a good job of making her realistic, and she's nowhere close to being a Mary Sue. The whole dysfunctional family thing works well. The only character complaints I have are plot-driven, so I'll discuss them in a moment.

I liked the description of a ubiquitous Merriweather clan with distinctive features. It makes me wonder if there wouldn't be other such families. Based on much fanon interpretation of Dash's family, it might have been cute to reference some other repeated motifs in the crowd at the competition, like some ponies that resembled Dash or Derpy.

The events you've described make for a nice story, but required suspension of disbelief a few times.

1) The length of time that April spends looking for Fluttershy when she believes her to be dead. At some point, actually finding her would have been quite unpleasant. I didn't believe that the trouble April thought she might gain by asking for the police's help would outweigh her realization that she'd need to involve them for her sister's sake. Surely she'd want any assistance from them, the royal guards, even Celestia if necessary, to employ whatever means they had to find Fluttershy,if only for closure. It's also hard to believe how long it took April to recognize Fluttershy from the ad. In canon, her looks haven't changed much since she arrived in Ponyville. She's not so skinny, but there's really nothing else different.

2) Fluttershy. In canon, she's perfectly happy. There's no sadness or guilt she seems to show over the situation. Since you seem to be trying to work within the canon plot line, it'd be better to address this issue. First, I don't believe that Fluttershy couldn't find a way home. I never saw the April had moved, so it must have been the same house. Fluttershy had gone back and forth from home to Flight Camp on numerous occasions. A child that age should be able to find her way. Even worse, April was able to track down Fluttershy from a very tenuous starting point, hopping around to numerous cities. Fluttershy knew where her family lived, and couldn't track them down? As common as you make the Merriweathers out to be, and how much they know of each other, she couldn't find one to ask about her family? Then, while touring the weather factory, it never occurred to her that she remembered her father working there and might be able to ask about him? As bad as April feels about failing to find her sister, IMO Fluttershy is the one who should feel like an ass.

3) It'll require more explanation why it never occurred to April that she knew nothing about her grandfather, not even his name.

4) You glossed over the father's death. What happened? Surely there's some compensation for a work-related accident, so they shouldn't be in such financial trouble afterward. And why wasn't he in the hospital if it was that serious?

5) It's also a bit of a leap that since Celestia likes seeing the occasional short note about friendship, she'd want to see an entire journal.

The switch to a narrative format in the diary is a little jarring, and it's very difficult at times to figure out any time reference for when the events are happening. There's also quite a jolt in the mood change between several of the entries, given that there's no apparent method for why these particular scenes are singled out. Is a reader flipping through and pausing on those ones, or does the journal actually skip big time periods?

How did Skittle wrangle an invite to the Gala?

Final Thoughts:
I liked the story idea, and it was an enjoyable read, particularly because I wasn't continually derailed by mechanical problems. Tighten it up and fix those story gaps, and you could have something quite good here. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 92592
Title: Correspondence
Author: Cainiam
Tags: [Sad] [Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Isabelle Pie follows Pinkie's lead and leaves the rock farm. She decides to strike out for herself in Canterlot. Knowing the rest of her family has abandoned her, she turns to Pinkie in a series of letters. Pinkie writes back eagerly, wanting to help but will Pinkie's new job as an Element of Harmony gets in the way?

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iA6QTa-mMXNRuAGlUuKIZs-F7o4Vj4TYqOicg1YOuvM/edit

This is my (hopefully) fixed version of the fic I entered in the /fic/ write-off two. People liked the idea but weren't so hot on my grammar. Ideally I need somepony who runs a tight ship grammar-wise. It is an epistolary story so it is written like letters. People had mixed reception to Pinkie's over-exuberant writing, particularly when it retells some moments from the episodes. I would particularly like to know how effective that was. I am open to adding more letters if necessary.

Thank you to anyone who has the time to take a gander.
>> No. 92593

Review acknowledged.

...yikes. Those are some pretty big plotholes you mentioned.

It hadn't occurred to me that maybe April might go to higher authorities to try and find Fluttershy...and she's not exactly keeping a low profile, either--especially if there's dozens of ponies looking for her. I'll have to rethink that...

I'm not sure I'm worried about Fluttershy's lack of direction, though. I don't think I'd be able to navigate my hometown at 6, especially I had been gone for a couple years...I think I'll toss in a bit about her being bad with directions, and see how that works.

Do you have any more information about Dash's family? Outside of a single piece of art, I haven't heard a thing about them. Sounds like it could be interesting.

Thanks again!
>> No. 92651
Fluttershy wouldn't necessarily know the whole city, but she could probably fly around until she spotted the camp from above, then find her way from there, since she'd made that trip numerous times.

There are several fics and pieces of fan art about Dash's family, but you wouldn't have to be specific if you wanted to use that idea. You could just say there were a few manes like Dash's in the crowd, or that there were a number of blonde gray-coated ones, for instance.
>> No. 92677
>>87358 >>91161

Redemption of the Fireheart by Your Antagonist(VegaKS03)

Just a note about my reviews. I do my best to explain what I am thinking and why I make suggestions. However, you are the author, so if something I say doesn't make sense, you should ask for clarification and make sure you understand what I'm suggesting and why the change would help the story before making a change. Also if you (or anyone else who for some reason decides to read this review) notices me making mistakes or giving misguided or completely wrong advice, feel free to correct me, as I do this to try to help others improve.

I really enjoyed this. It's a fun little, adventure story that is lighthearted, but still able to deal with the complexities of typical adventure tales. If you've seen the movie The Princess Bride, If you haven't, go ahead and watch it. This can wait. that is the mood that I'm interpreting your story in. It's an adventure tale that doesn't take itself seriously, but is played completely straight. It's not trying to set up jokes and punchlines, instead, it relies on the charisma and personalities of the characters along with the believable ridiculousness of the setting to give typical adventure scenes the extra comedic part. If you we're going for a serious, deeply moving adventure story, then I'm sorry, but you may want to reconsider. I recommend taking a moment to collect yourself and mourn the loss of your previous idea and then, pretend you wrote it that way the entire time.

Mechanically, you seem to have a lot of random errors that don't necessary follow general rules, like misspellings, comma usage, space derps, etc. These tend to be the kind of thing that gdocs comments would work better for than a printed doc, so if you respond to this letting me know you want comments before I finish my next review, I'll run an editing pass on gdocs, otherwise I'll do it on a post like this.

A few specific rules, you are about the only author I've seen that overuses semicolons. You are grammatically correct when you use them, but you use them way more than every once in a while. A Kurt Vonnegut quote says, "Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college." While I'm not that militantly against them, I do think that they should be used sparingly. This is very much my opinion and not a standard, but I would avoid using semicolons in dialogue, unless you are going for an academic character. In dialogue, you can get away with comma splices if you don't want the length of a pause from a full stop. As for semicolons in narration, try to limit them to independent clauses that are very closely related. Semicolons draw the readers attention; full stops do not. So you can get away with using a full stop where there should be a semicolon, but not the reverse.

Another rule is vocative commas. When a character is being addressed, you separate the name from the rest of the dialogue with a comma. An example of this from your fic
>"You're insane Blueblood..."
should be
>"You're insane, Blueblood..."
When the address is in the the middle of a sentence, it is set off by commas on both sides.
>Newsflash traitor, I'm the fastest Pegasus in the Knight Corps
should be
>Newsflash, traitor, I'm the fastest pegasus in the Knight Corps
Names of pony species like pegasus or unicorn aren't capitalised when referring to them as a general species.

Finally, there are a few dialogue punctuation issues, so I'll give you a copy/paste from another review.
There is the specific formatting that dialogue should take. If there is a direct attribution of the dialogue, then that attribution should be considered to be part of the same sentence. In this situation, special characters such as question marks or exclamation marks should be treated as commas with regard to capitalising any immediately following attribution. Some examples of this are:
>"Typical dialogue statements will use a comma," said the reviewer.
>The reviewer explained, "This policy of using a comma applies for preceding attributions as well."
>"Do you see how the attribution isn't capitalised even with the question mark?" the reviewer asked.
>"I'm guessing this enthusiasm seems forced!" exclaimed the reviewer.
Note that the verb used in the attribution must be a speaking verb.
When the statement is not a direct attribution, then you make the statement and the quotation separate sentences. Some examples of this are:
>"The following statement is not an attribution." The reviewer smiled as he spoke.
>The reviewer's voice cracked as he spoke. "These pieces of dialogue seem extremely contrived."
>"Are these examples at all useful?" The reviewer stared at the screen, trying to imagine the look on the reader's face.
>"I enjoy toast!" The reviewer's increasingly random outbursts indicated a fracturing of his sanity.

Thoughts should be punctuated similarly, except the section between quotes should be in italics and the quotation marks should be removed.
>I'm thinking, the reviewer thought, stating the obvious.
>Can you see what I'm thinking? the reviewer wondered.
>You can? That's kind of creepy. The reviewer backed away slowly.
>Hey Peter Frampton, do you like toast too? The reviewer's thoughts turned to pathetic attempts at humour by reference.

Single quotes should only be used for quotes within quotes, and follow typical punctuation rules.
>"So I said, 'Single quotes should only be used for quotes within quotes,'" quoted the reviewer.

The main issues that I noticed were mostly in the second set of examples.

Onto non-mechanical stuff, I got this from some other reviewer and I can't remember the name, but see the image with this post. You can see how at the beginning there is a event of high-tension and then periods of falling and rising tension, gradually rising to a climax. Following this format works well because you give the reader a chance to recover from the previous section and avoids straining the reader by keeping them at high tension all the time. You generally do a good job from an event perspective, where you start with an action scene and allow the tension to diffuse with a less tense scene between. However, the tone and sentence structure of your fic never changes between scenes. Your quick pacing works well for the action scenes, but is less effective for the slower scenes. In the slower scenes, you may want to consider adding more details and setting the scene a bit more to create deeper contrast between the action scenes and the sections of lower tension.

Now a few comments on sections that aren't mechanical suggestions
>The knowledge would serve him well in his current predicament, or at least better than his short legs which couldn't carry him fast enough or as long as he needed them to.
Since you are switching to an action scene, using shorter sentences would be more effective for the pacing. Also, when you have a negative, it is often cleaner and simpler to rephrase it as a positive. So I would recommend something like:
>The knowledge would serve him well in his current predicament, much better than his short legs and limited sprint speed.

>he proceeded to sprint as fast as his short legs could carry him
The last half of the of this is redundant. "Sprint" means running as fast as possible, so the second part is already implied.
>he proceeded to sprint down the hall.

>He could tell he was making decent progress when he heard Lady Rainbow Dash herself order somepony else to catch him
This seems seems like a longer sentence than ideal for this. Also, Rainbow Dash doesn't seem like the type of pony to order somepony else to do her dirty work, especially if it is something where she needs to beat them to avoid losing. Blaming another pony I could see, but I can't see Rainbow Dash ordering another pony around if there is a risk of her losing.
>He looked back and noticed Rainbow Dash far behind.

>Spike made a snap decision and proceeded to scramble over to Twilight's bed and, without thinking it through, he jumped and crashed through the glass of the window located right next to the bed. As the glass shattered around him and he broke into the night, Spike realized he didn't take into account what floor Twilight's room was, where he'd fall, or whether he'd live through this rash decision. He had only one thing on his mind: Vengeance.
This paragraph is filled with redundant information and has entirely the wrong tone for what should be the climax of the piece. When you say Spike made a snap decision, his other thoughts don't really matter, nor does any of the information about his current and future relative location. Also, since this is the climax of a chase scene, the pace should be quick, which means short simple sentences, not plodding monstrosities.
>Spike snapped into action and smashed through the window. As he leapt into the darkness, only one thought crossed his mind: Vengeance.

>Spike recovered, took not of Pipsqueak's lunge and responded by using the palm of his left claw to parry Pipsqueak's lunge, following up with a quick right hook.
>Spike exploited this new opening with an uppercut to Pipsqueak's chin.
Here are two consecutive sentences in a fight scene. You neglect to mention any reaction by Pipsqueak that would lead to the opening in the second sentence. I'd recommend breaking the "following up with a quick right hook" into a new sentence that incorporates Pipsqueak's reaction and shows the relevant opening.

You neglect to have any witty, flirtatious banter during the fight between Pipsqueak and Sweetie Belle. Sure he's not quite the dashing hero archetype, but you have the opportunity for such epic entertainment value how can you pass it up? The typical storyline would have Sweetie Belle act very frustrated and annoyed by Pipsqueak who would act half-patronisingly arrogant, half-smitten and adoring, but you could play this out however you like and make it extremely interesting. Besides, adding this type of an interaction would make the whole
>Sweetie Belle only sighed as she listened to the bickering of her friends, thinking about the colt from earlier.
that comes out of absolutely nowhere in the fic now have at least a little context.

Also, relating to the scene, just noting a bit of a plothole, but why doesn't Spike use his green fire to transport Snips and Snails to the upper district when they ask or use it to get their party there after Spike and Pipsqueak agree to go. It's just the green fire comes a bit out of nowhere, like it was something you forgot he had until that one scene when it becomes very convenient for him to use.
One possible solution: Spike's fire works only on the CMCs' weapons, but after they lose their weapons, the CMCs retreat back to Trixie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, etc

Finally, Pipsqueak's monotone "Pirate's are awesome" trance seems a bit odd for his character. The obsession with pirates makes complete sense, but the complete stupefaction seems almost like a bit of a cop out, like you gave up on writing actual excitement.

Remember, if you would prefer gdocs comments for mechanical corrections, then let me know. Otherwise, I'll do a copy paste review after I finish my last claim.

Keep writing
>> No. 92699
File 133256771004.png - (766.00KB , 1062x1015 , tscozy.png )

I'll see what I can do to help you out.
>> No. 92719
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>> No. 92745
>> No. 92755
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Eclipse Phase: Dreamcatcher

[Grimdark] [Sci-Fi] [Crossover] [Adventure] [Sad]
A story of transequine conspiracy and horror.

Ten years ago, Equestria achieved a technological singularity. It did not survive the night. During an event now known as The Fall, the first Artifically Generated Alicorns unlocked the true power of Discord, and became the Nightmares, laying waste to Equestria before mysteriously vanishing.

The sun now lays still in the sky, and transequines, the refugees of ponykind, try to find their place in the worlds and spaces left behind, where the body is transitory, where the mind can be fundamentally altered, where a beating heart and breathing lungs are luxuries that some cannot afford.

The Dreamcatcher network exists to prevent the extinction of ponykind, whether by the return of the inscrutable Nightmares, the insidious Discord Virus, or other threats that arise, by any means necessary.

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/19QnmKKCYy0f3mJV3WJWUUvT-8ZRdbsGWD1eThZg3OAI/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xWXkkbW8g-qi_IYZtk_z5ZNR3z1FtqqxXxNFmBXKwjA/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RdZPRMuWaej71nHeamZhL74xE79TuNu8rBC0I69ugeA/edit

Chapter 1 has been through a review already by the very helpful Demetrius, and since has been stretched out into two chapters, which I feel reasonably confident about but would welcome criticism of. Chapter 3 is the most recent, least polished addition, and I definitely could use some help keeping it engaging and exciting.

This is a crossover with a somewhat obscure, but rising in popularity, new tabletop RPG setting called Eclipse Phase. Please don't let that intimidate you; a reasonable familiarity with science fiction in general should be enough to get you through, and if you have trouble understanding an element of the setting it means I need to rewrite it for greater clarity.

Two specific things I would like some input on: 1: I'm currently using the human names for the various planets and moons of the solar system. That it's the same solar system is important to the setting. Would it be better to keep the names Saturn and Venus and so on, or perhaps to pull the names of mythological horses or something?

2: My narrator flits back and forth between scenes rather quickly, especially in chapter 3. Does this work, or should I be staying with one set of ponies longer?

I eagerly await your feedback.
>> No. 92757
File 133258378199.gif - (19.75KB , 580x435 , pacing_01_star_wars.gif )
Of course, I completely forgot to upload the picture that I referenced with the previous review.
Anyway, apologies for the confusion and added clutter. I hope everything makes sense now.
>> No. 92763
Thank you for the in depth and well-written review sir :D. If possible, I'd like a gdocs mechanical review. I'm glad you appreciated the humorous tone I injected into the story, and I'll definitely be taking a look at "The Princess Bride" it seems like a good source of inspiration.

Also thank you for catching the green fire bit, I didn't realize how much of a plot-hole that was, so I'll most likely be reworking that scene.

As for the random mechanical errors, well that's my crappy keyboard and my horrible memory working in conjunction with one another. Aside from that, it's time to get back in those chapters, there's some reworking to be done.
>> No. 92765
File 133259430988.png - (118.67KB , 830x750 , 133136037973.png )
Typos and grammatical errors in comments.

>Tomorrow is a full moon, and I believe that it would make a perfect backdrop as I... er... we tell Twilight and her friends about the creation of the Elements of Harmony.
This pause doesn't read the way you want it to. Celestia is correcting her usage of I to we, but the we is not emphasised at all and just meshes into the rest of the sentence. Try "... I—er, we—tell ..."

Scene breaks should be a little more distinct than this. Fimfiction and GoogleDocs both have a horizontal bar that works well for this. Otherwise, use three centred-aligned asterisks. Three left-aligned hyphens is just weak.

>"... Though I will hazard a guess and say that those came after you picked up the parchment, some of it looks dragonfired.”
That just sounds really awkward. "Thought I will hazard a guess..." Twilight more-or-less talks normally with a slightly elevated vocabulary. There's also a comma splice here, but that's not really important. This whole bit of dialogue should be removed in lieu of some narration. (I'm going to pretend that letters can look "dragonfired" even though all evidence is to the contrary.)
>She further inspected the letters to discern their origin. "Celestia?"
This also means Spike's dialogue needs to be changed to match, which is fine, really, because look at what he's saying:
>Yeah, the one with the blue seal came first, it’s not from Celestia
Comma splice.
>I think it’s something to the effect of...
>You see, I had accidentally launched half the stack right after the first letter came.
>When I say the magic was clumsy, I mean that whoever sent it hasn’t used that spell in a long time, if at all.
>I was on the ground hiccuping for quite some time.
What he's saying here is far too refined. "Quite some time," "You see," "if at all," "To the effect of." Spike's sentences should be mostly short and child-minded, because he's a child.

>I, Princess Luna, would like to invite the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony and Spike, to Canterlot Castle tomorrow night.
Euch. I just can't find a way to make this sentence not sound awkward.

>it’ll just be a few of Luna’s closest friends, and apparently we count
Well gee, we only saved her from the evil that resulted in her 1,000 year exile. And she just happened to invite us as "The Bearers of the Elements of Harmony." Is your Twilight experiencing odd bouts of the dumb?

>Why did she invite us? We took away her near-complete control of the kingdom for the second, and possibly third, time. Why?
Wat. Wat wat wat. See above. How you can construe what the Mane 6 did to NMM as being something that would make Luna upset is beyond me.

>I bottled a bit of dragonfire (and put it in the cupboard so the glow wouldn’t keep me up).

Seriously, get the typography of your letters sorted. They're so inconsistent right now. Use this (\t is a tab character; = 1 is optional):



\tMore Body

[\tClosing statement,]

>Twilight pulled out a quill and parchment and wrote a letter detailing what had gone on, or had been relayed to her through Pinkie Pie, as well as adding a P.S. to not respond as Spike was asleep.
Get rid of the "or..." appositive. It sounds awkward as hell, and in this case seems like it's saying "or Twilight had been relayed to her through Pinkie Pie".
>Twilight pulled out a quill and parchment and wrote a letter detailing what had gone on, remembering to add a P.S. telling the Princess to not respond as Spike was asleep.

>She floated the letter up into the air and it hovered ready to be dropped, her horn sparked with energy as a glowing sphere of plasma formed on the end, but any heat was trapped inside.
Comma splice at "her", and really? "She floated the letter up and it hovered ready to be dropped"? That's just... ugh.


Systematic errors:
-Not affixing address with commas. "Yes, Twilight," "Hey, Fluttershy!" "You're a complete twat, Roger."
-Dialogue punctuated like ' "[speech]." Name said, "[speech]." ' This isn't wrong per se, but in almost every case I'm lead to believe you mean to have the speech tag modifying the former speech, i.e., ' "[speech]," name said. "[speech]." '

All right, the prose in this story was just painful to read. Without mentioning the errors that are absolutely glaring (e.g., some of your sentences don't even start with capital letters), the sentence structure is all over the place. On the first read I have no idea what's happening, and after the third I've found some three things that the sentence could be trying to say. So not only is it hardtp read, I can't even know what you mean to say to correct it. This is all a result of your writing being too indirect. Adverbs are all over the place, and your sentence are barely that. To solve this issue, it may be worth recounting how a sentence in English is formed and how we typically read them.

A simple sentence is made of a subject and a verb: "I run," "Pigs deify," "Milk curdles." An independent or main clause is a subject–verb (and maybe object) combo that can stand on its own. If a sentence has more two or more independent clauses not properly punctuated by a semi-colon, conjunction, or em dash, it's a run-on sentence (and most likely a comma splice). Examples of these I've pointed out all over your story, mostly by indicating that a comma should instead be a full-stop. A big problem with your sentences is that the subject of the sentence is not immediately apparent. Sometimes it's even implicit. Implicit subjects aren't bad as long as the reader understands what the subject is intuitively, but in your text it rarely ever is. Typically, you want to keep the subjects in each paragraph related, and the subjects in each sentence as identifiable as possible. If a new actor is going to begin doing things, start a new paragraph. Try and make sure only one thing is happening in each sentence. Often you're getting yourself mixed up in a jungle of syntax because there's too many things being said in a single sentence.

Another problem is your constant use of terms such as "He/she had/was [verbed]". This form is called the past perfect aspect, and it says that in the past the thing had already happened. This is very bad in most cases of storytelling because you end up jerking between past and past pefect. Some things are happening in the past in the past, and some just in the past. It also puts you right up into passive voice territory for no good reason. Just tell things as they are happening, and keep things simple. Subject, verb, object—everything else is dressing.

My advice with your sentence structure: simplify everything. Start small, then work your way up.

You've got lots and lot of superfluous adverbs. Cull as many as possible.

Now, the dialogue. Suffice it to say that it's not much further from the prose. Try and read what the characters are saying in their own voice. If it sounds off, it probably is. For Celestia, she doesn't use contractions. Her speech is very tame, well-paced, and refined. She says things matter-of-factly and doesn't bother with weasel words and adverbs (redundant, I know—adverbs are weasel words). Twilight might be educated, but she doesn't talk like a stiff-jived nonce. You can throw in a few multi-syllabic words when applicable, but otherwise she talks like the average person.

As for the story, well, I don't feel any motivation to continue reading onto the next chapter. You've introduced the idea that apparently Luna should be mad at Twilight et. al because they prevented her from usurping the Equestrian throne (twice, too, apparently). Supposedly there's some really fascinating stuff about the Elements that they're going to learn at the party. There seems to be some weird theme of coffee and all its cousins in this story that isn't really making any sense to me, to the point where everyone seems to be coffee experts. What the point of this is escapes me, but it certainly isn't hooking me into the story.

In conclusion, you need to go through some self-editing on this and any future chapters you submit. If I read a story and see sentences not starting with capital letters, I get the impression the author doesn't care. If the author doesn't care, I sure as hell don't, and that little [x] button becomes all the more enticing.
>> No. 92766
That should be {}, except square brackets.
Apparently open-squarebracket close-squarebracket parses to a dice roll...
>> No. 92768
File 133259591133.png - (420.61KB , 1298x453 , fanartforme.png )
>>I bottled a bit of dragonfire (and put it in the cupboard so the glow wouldn’t keep me up).
Fire also doesn't send letters to Princess Celestia. It is magical fire.

Considering how bottled fire has been used in It's A Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door and The End of Ponies, I think this should be an acceptable thing. Also, magic.

>is ever-so-slightly biased biased because his own story includes bottled dragonfire '=)
>sorry for barging in
>everyone's entitled to their opinions
>> No. 92775
File 133259909392.jpg - (32.55KB , 640x359 , c48b219348a12ee5aef16ef241fb50b9.jpg )
>Dragon bottles, how do they work?
I suppose I can eat it. But it's not really important to the story anyway.
>> No. 92785
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Simple way to put it: Your prose is fine mechanically but lacking.

As I was reading through this piece, I quickly became bored. At first, I had thought it was an issue with the story concept. Then, as I continued to read, I found the source of my beef with this fic:

The writing is flat. Flatter than a year old soda, in fact. The story continues and plods onward, but it does so in the least entertaining way possible. Reading this story was kind of like the point in a videogame where you have to trudge to the nearest town for whatever reason. Sure, I'm supposed to be entertained by this, and there's sometimes a payoof, but it's monotonous.

Fortunately, there's a simple way of fixing flat writing. Unfortunately, it's going to require sweeping changes to the chapter. The simplest way to show how flat writing can suck the excitement out of a story is by example. Compare the following two pieces of text, an exerpt from the story I had written that was originally flat. It's not perfect, but it demonstrates my point:

I woke up and squinted at the light that entered my eyes. I got up. I had landed in a forest, a particularly green one at that. I picked a path on the trail and followed it. I could see moving shapes in the corner of my eye.

I awoke to the sounds of scuffling. Nearby I could see a small trail. I pulled myself up from the ground and almost jumped when I looked up. The trees were blocking out almost all of the sky. It was overcast, and the light cut a few rays into the forest. I had never been outside and had the sky blocked out. It was an odd feeling, and I began to feel claustrophobic. The second thing that startled me was the firmness of the ground. Clouds gave a little when you walked on them. The ground was unrelenting. Whenever I took a step it felt like I was shaking. I detected a small movement from the corner of my eye. When I turned to face it, the shape dropped out of sight. I could hear faint voices, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying. I picked a direction and began following what I thought was a trail. That was another thing: there were tons of plants on the ground. In Cloudsdale almost everypony subsisted on grapes and grain. Wine brewing was an art. Here, everything seemed so haphazardly grown, as if it wasn’t controlled by the hoof of a farmer. I took a bite of a nearby plant but immediately spit it out. The flora here were much too bitter.

See how the second excerpt puts more emphasis on the character instead of just saying, 'X did Y. Z was attacked.' etc. This is what frequently happens in your writing.

Second, you have a lot of instant resolution as a result of the flat writing. Let's take this exerpt from your story:
>Link continued down the slope and used his new strength to scoop up Twilight. He threw her over his shoulder and began to look around for a way to escape. Straight ahead, he could see that the slope broke into a chasm, with a ledge beyond. He prepared to make the jump when he heard Tatl yell, “LINK! There’s something coming up behind us!”
A Dodongo had given chase, rolling down the slope much like a Goron. Link quickly turned around to see the dinosaur quickly closing the distance. He lifted Twilight off his shoulder and held her above his head with both hands.
“L-Link! What are you doing?” she yelled. She felt his grip tighten as he brought his arms back. With a powerful throw, she was launched through the air towards the far ledge. She flailed her legs in a panic as she soared over the chasm below. She hit the ledge rolling and crashed into the wall. Cringing in pain, she stood up and looked towards where Link had thrown her from; he was rolling down the slope while wrestling with the Dodongo. She felt her stomach drop when she saw the two plummet over the edge and fall into the darkness. Quickly searching for a safe way down below, she found a path alongside the wall that spiraled downwards and quickly followed it.

Let's start with the first few sentences.
>Link continued down the slope and used his new strength to scoop up Twilight. He threw her over his shoulder and began to look around for a way to escape. Straight ahead, he could see that the slope broke into a chasm, with a ledge beyond. He prepared to make the jump when he heard Tatl yell, “LINK! There’s something coming up behind us!”

This is where the advantage of third person omniscient goes into play: You can use the impressions from multiple characters to strengthen your narrative. As it stands, you don't really talk about what each character is experiencing, just what they're doing.

>A Dodongo had given chase, rolling down the slope much like a Goron. Link quickly turned around to see the dinosaur quickly closing the distance. He lifted Twilight off his shoulder and held her above his head with both hands.

I missed this the first time I had read this. This is the disadvantage of flat writing: the action scenes go so fast that you have no idea what's going on half the time.

>“L-Link! What are you doing?” she yelled. She felt his grip tighten as he brought his arms back. With a powerful throw, she was launched through the air towards the far ledge. She flailed her legs in a panic as she soared over the chasm below. She hit the ledge rolling and crashed into the wall. Cringing in pain, she stood up and looked towards where Link had thrown her from; he was rolling down the slope while wrestling with the Dodongo.


>She felt her stomach drop when she saw the two plummet over the edge and fall into the darkness. Quickly searching for a safe way down below, she found a path alongside the wall that spiraled downwards and quickly followed it.

Immediate resolution of a large portion of the tension. Instead of raising the stakes, you just kind of throw these characters into a bunch of situations but don't explain what they're feeling or experiencing. Like right here, you could have Twilight's imagination go wild as she descends the slope. That's tension, and that's exciting.

Second, you have an issue with switching perspectives suddenly. Be careful when you switch from character to character, and make it clear which character is thinking what.

Also, beware of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I'll keep it cryptic like that even though you can probably control-f it and find out what it is. :P

More exciting writing. Less telling me what is going on. Make character transitions clear.

Keep writing.
>> No. 92800
File 133261562529.gif - (497.90KB , 500x225 , fJyIx.gif )
Before I forget... derp...
>> No. 92815
Just wanting to say that my fic was reviewed.
Also, acknowledged.
>> No. 92816
File 133261856421.png - (1.55MB , 1600x1600 , 137330 - artist snus-kun pinkie_pie Touhou yukari_yakumo.png )
This has been confirmed.
>> No. 92865
Requesting Dromer for review. Cheers. :)

Elysian Fields (Chapter 4)

Words: 7000


"The Hearth's Warming story tells the tale of how Equestria came to be. It does not however tell of the dark secrets that followed. Find out about the true history, and dark secrets of Equestria's forgotten past."

>> No. 92882
File 133262556442.png - (523.97KB , 800x600 , cranky_doodle_donkey_by_raikoh14-d4qjfc9.png )
Title: Call Me, Call Me
Author: StarmanTheta
Tags: [Sad] [Shipping]
Length: 2994 words
Synopsis: Cranky Doodle wandered most of his life looking for the one who vanished right before his eyes, but love can only keep doubt and weariness at bay for so long. As he stops in a hotel along his seemingly endless journey, he has to wonder how much longer he can endure the search, or if it was even worth it in the first place.
Comments: This was my submission for the Fic write-off and it didn't do well at all. I don't plan on ever submitting this to EqD but I would at least like it to be presentable on my FiMFic page. According to comments I've received thusfar, this story seems to suffer from the following:

-Having too passive a voice
-Not having a clear beginning and end (in one person's words, it felt like filler in the middle of a longer story)
-Very awkward and confusing sentence construction (especially run-ons)
-Not having a clear reason why Cranky remembers Matilda
-Not being in any sense ambitious
-Being, well, boring

There's probably other things in there but those seem to be the consistent problems, so if I could get some feedback on how to fix those I would greatly appreciate it.

And yes, I know I need to clear up the queue some.
>> No. 92886
File 133262639605.jpg - (227.12KB , 800x850 , PSI_ROCKIN_by_pdox.jpg )

Also, claiming this fic so I'm not a scumbag filling up the queue without helping anyone.
>> No. 92899

Thank you for your detailed review. Do you have any examples of stories I can look into that is from a third-person perspective? The example you provided sheds a lot of detail, but some guidance for the style that my story is in would be greatly appreciated.
>> No. 92909
File 133263925010.gif - (106.24KB , 400x475 , Bored Jack.gif )

The characters exhibited eratic, unconvincing, and inconsistent behavior, your mechanics need some work, and your style could greatly benefit from some d,I sentences instead of using Id whenever you write a dependant clause. I also recommend you brush up on your commas.

Everything was so vaguely described, I had no handle on the story, the world, or even the characters. My mind had to plug in the most reasonable settings and plot while I was reading. This is bad because this may not have been the setting and plot you were trying to convey.

Here's my line-by-line (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I31q2WA35FHLoWDCx2HzYCaFarTrrLmm82b5wCZL2Dg/edit?pli=1#)
>> No. 92917
Title: Ponyville Eleven

Tags: [Normal][Crossover-ish]

Synopsis: Twilight Sparkle is put in charge of the newest expansion team to Equestria's one and only professional soccer league. The fact that nopony in town has any real idea what it takes to be a professional soccer player is only a speed bump along the road to the prestigious Equestrian Soccer Association Championship. It's time to take to the pitch, and play soccer with friends!

Current Length: ~7000 words

Chapters to review: 1


Comments: It's not so much a crossover as heavily inspired by the style of another work. No story element is lifted wholesale, nor any specific situation -- just the general thought behind it (Super-powered soccer). Sadly, no actual soccer play takes place in this chapter, but I would like a critique nonetheless.
>> No. 92932
Basically this is just me noting that a review has been completed. I'm having some issues with my laptop, and it's kind of late. I will post a full aknowledgement in the next few days pertaining to the whole review.

However, I will say this: I knew I wasn't the best creative writer, but I didn't realize I was this bad. Thank you kind sir for taking the time to read my story, and apparently torture yourself in the process.
>> No. 92937


Did you just say fuckin' ECLIPSE PHASE?

This is the first time I've done a review and it's not even gonna thin the list to get mine reviewed faster but it would kill me to watch this languish. I claim this. I claim this despite my incredibly ridiculous work week and wanting to write my own fic.

I will likely take a while with this, but it's faster than you would get otherwise.

Transequine Conspiracy and Horror. Wow.
>> No. 92938

Oh yes, and by crazy coincidence, my own fic is Shadowrun ponies. Hah!
>> No. 92943
File 133266039888.png - (164.44KB , 591x332 , 131929516144.png )
Wow... Well, I've been working on it for about four months now, so I hope it's up to some kind of standard. It'll be good to have someone actually familiar with the setting take a look. Please don't be afraid to rip it apart as much as possible.

...And I just might have to see about your fic in response, since I'm quite familiar with Shadowrun.
Let me take a quick look at it here...
Only 5,500 words? Consider this claimed.

Is it alright with you if I copy it into a word document and use track changes and commenting there? It's the medium I'm most familiar with, and I'll sum up general points in the main review.
>> No. 92948

Do what you gotta do. Your generosity is appreciated.

Thinking that it would be another god knows how long before I finally came up on this queue, I started on another chapter of this, so perhaps I could interest you in helping me with it provided you don't hate what you see already there. I think this could be a very productive partnership between you and I :D
>> No. 92950
File 133266218242.jpg - (77.81KB , 893x501 , 131933146075.jpg )
I've already got it shoved into a word document and queued up, so please, hit me with it. What I've seen so far has potential.

It's Shadowrun, so I feel like I have a responsibility to make sure it's done right. Unlike, say, the damn video game.
>> No. 92965
Wow, from previous reviews I didn't think there was that much comment on.

I'll see what I can do, although a few tips and pointers for them would be nice.

>The "mary-sue" alert comment.
Maybe so, but the way I have Trickster imagined, that specific color combination just fits well.
This is kinda what I had in mind: http://tinyurl.com/6scncm3

>World and character description.
I've gotten comments of that in the past, but I thought I had it fixed.

Thanks for your time, I'll try and fix what was pointed out.
>> No. 92966
File 133268239403.png - (335.70KB , 378x336 , I Dream of Daisies.png )
5475 words

"Rainbow Dash has been having a recurring nightmare for months and lack of sleep is ruining her flying sessions. At wits' end, she seeks help from a mysterious mare with a mysterious job – Daisy Dreams, Subconscious Investigator."

Doc link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QJhBu1SVrJUOfwgNAEx-XS4Sr9AN64cTujRKqUgFpIo/edit

Originally written for the second /fic/ Write-Off. A collection of the reviews/comments received for the (old) version of the story submitted can be found here:
>> No. 92971
Hello there and welcome to the Training Grounds. This is your reviewer, Dublio and this review is for "A Dragon’s Breath" by Zixinus. I looked over your pre-reader’s comments and have listed a few examples/definitions as to how to help. After the comments, I’ll list some resources for you to take a look at that can help you with your story. Without further ado, here starts the review.

Oh wait. I forgot to mention something. If you put your story into a Gdocs and enable comments, I can show you exactly where each mistake occurs. But since I can’t, I’ll do my best by adding some examples of what to fix when I do my line-by-line review. I apologize in advance if I missed anything, because I’m only human. Regardless, let’s continue.

Just a Few Notes:

I’m glad that you decided not to delete your fanfic and to fix it up instead. I’m aware that it can be very frustrating when you think you’ve finished with your story but then someone else points out problems you didn’t see yourself. Writing something means that you have exposed yourself to the world. When someone criticizes your writing, it feels like they’re criticizing you but rest assured, they are not.

Since you didn’t quit writing, I assume that you want to improve yourself. Here’s a nice article about the fear of writing in case you feel like reading.


After reading your blog on Fimfiction, you obviously are doing your best to understand the character interactions between the characters, which means you’re going above and beyond in order to make a great fanfic. Many people don’t want to do that much work and prefer to stay in mediocrity, but not you. For that, I give you my congratulations.

Moving on, let’s see here…

>A dragon's breath

Should be capitalized. Like so: "A Dragon's Breath"


I think you need a better hook. As it stands, it doesn’t sound very catching. What sets this story apart from the other hundreds of adventure stories? What makes the reader want to stop whatever he’s currently reading and read your story? Sure, this description sounds like a list of events, but what’s the catch? It needs more oomph! Unfortunately, I’m not sure how to help with this. However, there is a guy that can help you with this. Simply look through this thread and read how others make their synopsis catchy. You might find a few gold nuggets in there.


Anyhoo, let’s address the pre-reader comments now.

Part 1: Addressing the Pre-reader’s Comments

1) Author's notes belong at the end of the story, not beginning.

>Note: I occasionally use footnotes in the form of stars. Usually, in paper form, footnotes are at the bottom of the page but that's obviously unworkable on the internet. Browsing up and down just to check the footnote break a reader’s flow, so I opted for a simple solution. While leaving the footnote thing at the end of each chapter, I'll also copy it at the end of its respective paragraph. These paragraphs are marked by /+ putting them in slash-plus bracket like so +\ at the end of its respective paragraph. Not the best solution but the simplest.

It's better to just incorporate these notes into the text itself. Having footnotes or stuff that you have to explain in the story is normally bad practice for fiction writing (It's okay for non-fiction though). Normally from the context, people should be able to guess what you are talking about. If not, you'll have to make your story clearer. Footnotes are just obtrusive and should be left to essay papers that need citations.

>Many thanks to evilsoup for help with editing, brainstorming and much more (except the disturbing mental images). Also big thanks to revy for proofreading. It might not be obvious, but his work provided much-needed improvements.

Like the pre-reader said, put these at the end of your chapter instead of the beginning. Normally for multi-chapter fics, you wait till the entire story is over to put in the author's notes, since they break the flow. If you need to, put it into the description (for FimFiction), but don't put them first since you only have two-three sentences to hook a reader. Since the majority of readers don't care about acknowledgements, they'll find your notes obtrusive and unwanted.

The reason for this is because having author notes prevents your readers from immersing themselves in your story. Right off the bat, they’ll see this gibberish and not care. Instead of reading past it, most people will just hit the backspace button and quit. It sucks but that’s the nature of readers. In printed books, acknowledgements usually appear near the front, but no one actually reads those, so they just get skipped anyway. However, since they bought the book, they aren’t going to just stop reading because of it, they’re involved in seeing what happens. Since fanfics are free, they don’t have the same obligations. Hence, put these at the end of your story.

2) Flat writing. She did this. This happened. Then that happened. She had apples. It imparts information, but is not good with scene setting, nor is it terribly interesting. It isn't drawing me into the story.

The pre-reader is probably saying that your writing is very dry, boring, and telling. Although you tell the reader exactly what’s happening, it’s not very interesting, which causes the reader to stop reading half-way. This goes towards the principle of “Show, don’t tell” that writers love to talk about. At the end of the review, I’ll post some links that will explain further what showing/telling is.

3) Awkward phrasings. Glancing over to a bookshelf isn't 'panicked' at all, also.

What the pre-reader is saying here is that a “glance” is a casual look at something. It’s not logically possible to both panic and glance at something at the same time. At least, I think that’s what he’s trying to say. He probably just wants you to use a different verb instead or describe it more fully. “In a panicked reaction” doesn’t really tell us anything about her body language or what her facial expressions are. In creative writing, there’s an adage called “Show, don’t tell” that illustrates this principle. At the end of this review, I’ll add a few links for you that can help with this problem. But take heart, many writers still have problems with this, so it takes a while to get used to.

4) Grammar. 'a sidegrowth' not 'an sidegrowth'

This one’s easy. He just wants you to change “an” into an “a.” Here’s an article that can explain this.


As I look through your fic, I’ll keep out an eye for grammar problems and let you know when I see any.

5) You're putting too many things in parenthesis, and it is disrupting the flow of the story. If you wish to impart that information, you need to include it in regular text somehow.

Basically, he’s saying you’re using too many parentheses. It’s usually good practice to never use them at all because they’re annoying to read as a reader. Instead, turn them into a sentence that shows the same information. Let me try to provide an example.

The apples (yellow) taste the sweetest.
The yellow apples taste the sweetest.

The second sentence sounds better and less awkward. Hmm, that was a terrible example. Let me try again, while using an example from your story.

>The books, as far as she could tell, stood in their usual disorganized, disorderly fashion after many perusing ponies had gone through them (despite her best efforts to keep them tidy).

>To further fortify her patience and to clear the air (which was a more pressing need of the two), Twilight…

What I’m noticed that most of your parentheses are being used for is called “asides.” For some of your parenthesis, you can either turn it into part of the sentence itself (if important) or just remove it. Later on when I go down your fic line-by-line, I’ll point out how you can change them. For now, have another article.


6) Comma neglect. "Of course Twilight!" needs a comma after course.

The pre-reader means that your writing is missing a lot of commas. For easy reference, here’s a guide on the many uses of commas.


When I go through your fic line-by-line, I will point out some of your missing commas as well. The reason is because without commas, your sentences all sound like run-on sentences.


And that concludes the portion of the review that deals solely on your pre-reader’s comments. Next part is actually reading the story and pointing out systemic errors.

Part 2: First Impressions + Systemic Errors and how to fix them:

In this part, I'll give your story a quick read-through so I can determine what happens, then I'll run through a second time to check for the more obtrusive mistakes. As I go along, I'll tell you what I thought about your story and what many readers will point out. If something doesn't make logical sense, I'll point it out too. Anyway, here we go.

>The door of the library opened to allow the purple librarian unicorn inside.

Most readers know who Twilight is and what she looks like, so you may as well just call her Twilight. The two paragraphs that follows your first line is known as backstory and exposition. It seems to be a bit redundant since Chances are that most people reading MLP fanfiction will already know this information anyway, so it just serves to lose the reader's interest. That’s because you have to hook readers as soon as possible. At most, you have three lines to make them want to read more. Throwing this exposition right in the beginning will make them hit the backspace button. Are these two paragraphs important in any way? Are they referenced later in the story? If not, just cut out this part altogether. If it does turn out to be important though, weave it in bit by bit and put it later on in the story after the initial excitement dies down.

In terms of what your hook is, having Twilight walk into the library and immediately smell something burning sounds good.

Also, there's something called Lavender Unicorn Syndrome that you might be in danger of using a bit too much. Here's a copy-paste from Vanner that explains it.

"Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just
remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better
writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life."

>That quickly got out of her mind as she found that the library was filled with smoke.

Not only is that awkward phrasing, it also leads me to wonder if the above two paragraphs was important at all. Why not cut straight to her smelling the smoke?

>In a panicked reaction she glanced over the bookshelves.

Glancing is the wrong verb here. You want to use one that matches with panicking. It’s usually a better idea to describe how Twilight reacted other than glancing. Did she dash across the floor and check all of the books? Did she use magic? How did she know that none of the books were burning? If she only “glanced” then it gives a very different picture about how she reacted. I also wonder whether she cares more about Spike or her books in this story as well. I assume Spike but that’s because you can’t replace living things if they die. =(

> The books, as far as she could tell, stood in their usual disorganized, disorderly fashion after many perusing ponies had gone through them (despite her best efforts to keep them tidy).

Like the pre-reader said, axe the parenthesis. If it’s really that important, make it a dependent clause. Also, if she’s panicking then it seems like she’s not really reacting big enough. Sure, you’re telling us that she’s panicking, but I don’t feel it. This goes into an issue called “Showing vs Telling.” Here’s an example from a fellow reviewer that can explain better than I can.

>>89502 <-- CartoonGeld’s Showing/Telling Examples

Plus this sentence is just hard to look at. It’s very long, sounds like it repeats a word with “disorganized” and “disorderly,” and the word “perusing” in the middle throws off the sentence. It’s hard to describe, I just feel like it’s out of place. Also, putting the clause “as far as she could tell” makes me wonder who the narrator is (at this point, I think it’s Twilight).

>None of them were burning or had smoke pouring from them however.

First off, who's the narrator? Is it a random bystander with an opinion and a voice or an omnipotent being? I also think that pouring is the wrong kind of verb to use for this instance but that’s just me.

>There was noise from upstairs, but no answer to her shout.

Fus Ro Dah! Ah, I kid. Still, this sounds a bit awkward. I think you can get away with just removing the 2nd clause since it’s obvious that he didn’t answer since there was no dialogue.

> Something was definitely burning, but it was not the fine, thin smoke of burnt paper. No, this was something rougher, very coarse and far, far more thick. There was also the faint grainy smell of freshly charred wood.

Who is thinking this and how do they know this? Is it your omnipotent narrator or Twilight? It doesn’t sound like Twilight, so I assume it’s the narrator. He knows something that Twilight doesn’t know (or does she?). The problem is that it sounds like a character because you’ve littered your narrative with opinionated words. Now, it’s not wrong per se. Omniscient narrators can do that after all. It just feels like I’m being told a story from a third-party instead of seeing the action for myself. It makes me feel… distant, uninvolved, etc.

> She was already mentally prepared for the worst and remembered the details of the 'extinguish fire' spell she learned while still a filly.

This sentence sounds off to me. I feel that the “was already” can be deleted and the sentence means pretty much the same thing.

Another suggestion would be to change the “and” in the middle to an “as she” but that’s just a minor tidbit. There’s no need for quotation marks in this sentence as well, so you can delete them. I think the single quotes are also used incorrectly. Here’s a link to help you.


Unfortunately, my review is running longer than the 20k character word limit so I had to split the review in half here. Next part coming in the next post.
>> No. 92972
Continuing the review from Part 1 for the story "A Dragon's Breath."


>The library itself was a massive hollowed-out tree, which only added to her panic over the possibility of fire. The hollowed-out stem of the tree served as the main floor of the library, with a separate "wing" (an sidegrowth of the trunk) functioning as a reading room. Above was a living space overlooking the library floor, with additional side rooms such as the bathroom and the kitchen accessible from there.

Alright, we’re in a scene that’s supposed to be fast-paced because something is wrong. Now is not the time to describe the scenery. Not to mention that everyone knows what her house looks like. Plus, the tree is probably magically enchanted not to catch on fire. Otherwise, the tree and all of the books in it would burn down whenever they use the fireplace. I would just cut this entire paragraph completely as it tells me nothing new.

>Twilight ran up the stairs in a hurry.

We already know Twilight is “panicking” so putting “in a hurry” is filler.

>Here the smoke was very thick and strong.

Comma between “Here” and “the.”

>She coughed, her eyes streaming and her vision blurred.

Are her eyes streaming with tears for some reason? I think you might want to use a different verb there. I’m thinking “watered.”

This sentence just sounds so awkward to me for some reason. I’m not sure how to fix this one, but it has something to do with the way the sentence is structured. Since both actions concern the eyes, perhaps you could combine the two instead?

> She thought about using a wind spell to help it clear quicker, but decided against it.

If she didn’t do it, then why bother mentioning it at all? Does it come into play later? Is this line important at all?

>She needed to find the source of the building smog. And Spike!

Is “smog” the right word here?

Many reviewers recommend not starting a sentence with a conjunction. Although technically not a violation of mechanics, it should be used sparingly because it seems kinda obtrusive. I’m also wondering if these lines are important. We already know that she needed to find Spike and the source of the smoke, so why tell us something we already know?

>"..ight? Is that you? I'm in the kitchen!" came a barely-audible voice that belonged to her baby dragon.

That ellipsis needs another period.

P.S. The kitchen is upstairs? Also, Spike didn’t hear Twilight calling him but then he manages to hear Twilight opening the window? It also sounds like he’s far away since his voice is barely audible as well.

>Dashing in, the purple mare surveyed the devastated kitchen: dishes on the floor, utensils everywhere (ready to be get broken underhoof), various bits of ingredients on everything (including the ceiling), the kitchen table upturned, drawers pulled out and their contents disorganised or spilled, misshapen trays and pans on the floor with thickly-smoking charcoal mashes on them and, amongst it all, a very guilty looking dragon holding a flagon of water.

If Spike was caught doing something guilty, why did he tell Twilight where he is? Did he want to get caught? Also, kill that parenthesis. They just look terrible in fiction.

Also, "purple mare" is more Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Be careful of that.

>he admitted guiltily, more to himself than to Twilight.

Axe the "guiltily." That is what admitted means, does it not?

>His suddenly sad, sullen expression drained most of Twilight's anger.

Stop telling me vague things. Show me this expression instead. What did he do that makes him look sad?

>"What happened?" asked Twilight with a little trepidation.

Trepidation. What?

>asked the purple-coated unicorn

More LUS. Her name is Twilight. Use that instead.

>"Well, where is the food? Maybe it's salvageable ..."

Delete the space before the ellipsis.

>It broke down into smaller pieces as it rose and shed ash in process

Is "shed" the right verb here? Also, I think you're missing a "the" between "in" and "process."

Spike said all this with the most miserable voice, his expression even more wretched if that were possible.

>Your sentences are quite telling and don't really pull me in or make me care very much.


Not only do you use them, you tend to use them excessively too. Please just kill all of them. If you need to use an aside (which is what the parenthesis are for, use a comma instead. How do you do that that? By taking the former sentence and saying this:

If you need to use an aside, which is what the parenthesis are for, use a comma instead.

>"Of course Twilight!" Spike agreed hastily.

Comma between "course" and "Twilight"

>"You guys OK?" asked the rainbow-haired pony, worry still showing on her face. "What happened?"

More LUS, telling her expression instead of showing it, and another small nitpick is that I would use "okay" instead of "OK."

>Excessive use of adverbs

You have way too many adverbs that modify everything that the characters are doing. Instead of a simple said, there are modifiers on everything. It just gets quite... jarring to sell it. Adverbs are a crutch for weak verbs. Instead of showing us how characters react, adverbs are just a way to inject more telliness into your writing.


>Spike was about to say something, but Twilight surreptitiously swiped him with her tail.

Describe and show what Spike was doing instead of telling us. Did he raise a finger, open his mouth, walk over somewhere, what? Also "surreptitiously?" What? It's too jarring of a word, so just delete it. Unless you feel like making your readers pause while reading the story just for them to go "What?"

>"Puddings explode?"

Replace with "Pudding explodes?"

>She waved her front hooves about her in mimicry of the event

Your sentences sound awkward sometimes.

>Spike was quite embarrassed, even though nopony was looking at him.

I'm not sure what this means.

>said Twilight in an altogether non-confessional voice

Not sure what this means either.

>"Is everything OK then?"

The capitalized "OK" makes me feel like Rainbow Dash is talking, then suddenly shouts in the middle of the sentence. I'd just use "okay" but that's just me.

>replied Twilight, casting a look of dread towards the kitchen

You have tell problems all over your writing. At the end, I'll link more resources to showing vs telling. Now, telling is not always bad but... I'm terrible at explaining, have a link instead.


>The entire bit with Rainbow Dash's Trick.

What else did Twilight think was going to happen? Tornados tend to throw stuff around and it's a terrible idea to try and remove the smoke with one.

>doings its best impression of a ghost


>Then it suddenly stopped, everything abruptly falling to the ground as the howling wind subsided.

Sounds repetitive to say "suddenly" and "abruptly" at the same time. Consider cutting one of them.

>Twilight regarded her with an expression of barely-contained anger upon her face.

I'm sorry, but this is not really painting me a picture at all. I must be dense because I feel like I'm being told what the characters feel, which doesn't make me care a whole lot. Keeping the reader's interest is important and all, since most stop reading when they're bored.

>said Twilight, already growing calm as her organisation skills took over.

Oh no, her organization skills are a ghost that have come to possess her. Ooooo. Also, I forgot if you were using British English or not (That's what I get for taking breaks in-between reviews).

>said the upside-down pegasus, her rainbow hair flailing around

Rainbow Dash.

>She let go of Rainbow, who fell to the floor with a start.

Delete the filler words "with a start."

>With her ears flattened, the purple librarian pointed towards the entrance

You forgot a period at the end of this sentence. Also, LUS again.

>Everything in the paragraph after that.

The dialogue here sounds messed up as characters do not usually spout off their entire day's schedule. The part at the end is more telling, which is...

>She laid down on the floor, looking tired and exasperated. Rainbow appeared crestfallen and apologetic.

>Then Spike started to make strange noises, almost as if he were about to belch. Twilight was about to make a reproachful remark when he backed away with his claws over his mouth.

If characters are about to do something, but they don't actually do said action, why mention it at all. If you focus on what characters didn't do, you'll be writing for dozens of pages before they ever left the room.

>Finally he burped out a scroll.

comma between "Finally" and "he"

>Without missing a beat Spike caught the letter and opened it.

Comma between "beat" and "Spike."

>Clearing his throat, he began to read it aloud.

Instead of having characters begin to do things, start to do things or decide to do things, why not have them take direct action instead? That way, your sentences are more active and less a paragraph of "starting to do something" yet never actually starting.

>Dash looked confused at this request, unaware that Spike took his duties of burping letters seriously and that he found the notion that his reading might be inaccurate to be insulting. Spike held out the letter regardless and Twilight levitated it over to herself.

I'm sorry, what does this have to do with anything? If you're going to imply that Spike was annoyed, show us by showing his body language and facial expressions. But since Spike held out the letter anyway, it makes me feel like the prior sentence is unimportant.

>Twilight shouted "It means we're now bureaucrats!"

comma after shouted.

>Both Spike and Rainbow Dash exchanged a glance of worry and an annoyance

I think the rest of the sentence after "glance" is awkward and filler and that it would better to just delete it, but that's just my opinion.

>What if-" She stopped abruptly as Spike interrupted her. He did so using a jug of water.

I would put the action of Spike dousing Twilight with water first and then putting it on its own line. Otherwise the chronological order of events seems off. It brings the reader out of the story and you usually want to avoid that as much as possible.


I didn't mention it before but all caps in dialogue is the mark of a beginning writer. You must show your expression with just the words, facial expressions/body language, and exclamation marks. If you can't do that, then you have overused the exclamation marks in the first place. Use them sparingly.

>Rainbow Dash used the opportunity to try and say a few reassuring words.

Please stop telling me the obvious things in advance if we can already see it happening in the next line. It just delays the reading of your sentence and adds absolutely nothing to it.

>Luna before. "She

Your quotation marks are on the wrong side. They belong next to "before" not "She."

>Ever since the cockatrice incident she was much more wary of the place.

comma between "incident" and "she."

>said Rainbow Dash, her voice full of assurance, her tone suggesting that she wouldn't accept any kind of argument.

I feel so unengaged right now.

>Spike cleared his throat. "Ahem. She's not going alone."
>"No offence Spike, but you're still only a baby dragon," said Rainbow Dash in a more gentle tone.

Apparently Rainbow Dash has the memory of a sieve. Luna's letter specifically said to bring Spike with them. Looking at the next paragraph, Twilight apparently forgot too.

Part 3: Final Thoughts

It looks like you have problems with showing/telling (Which writer doesn't, really?), a bit of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome here and there, and a lot of unnecessary parenthesis and a random footnote. The problem with the showing/telling is that I don't feel very engaged as a reader and don't want to read on. It's not the idea, that's perfectly fine. It's moreso how you keep telling me how they feel as an omniscient narrator. Let me pull up some links that can help explain this concept better than I can.




Alright, I know that it's a lot of information to take in and that improvement as a writer is long and hard, but I figured from your blog posts that you were interested in improving, so I did my best to help. That being said, I'm not that good of a reviewer anyway, so I apologize if I didn't help that much. If you want, you can try fixing the stuff I mentioned and resubmitting your story, then someone will be able to help you further. Long story short, your pre-reader got most of the problems that needed to be fixed. The way your story is now, it needs a lot of work before EqD will accept it. Not to mention that since it's the first chapter and just the set-up, nothing has happened yet. I'm pretty sure they'd want to see more first.

Anyway, good luck with writing your future chapters and don't forget to have fun with it.

Keep writing!
>> No. 92977
Thank you for in-depth criticism, Cartoongeld!
I'd like to ask you one little thing, though,
I do have some, let's say... 'explanations' and more questions I'd like to ask you, but would it be possible for me to contact you via email? Because I have quite a lot of things to write you, and I'm afraid I'd exhaust avaible space on that very board :P .

If you'd like, please send me a ping at netaroblackmage at gmail dot com or send me a PW at Fimfiction. I'd appreciate it so much!

Of course, if you'd rather not, tell me and I'll try to reply there.
>> No. 92979
Fallout Equestria is third person limited and does this fairly well. Lord of the Rings is third person omniscient and has some of the most natural changers between characters IMO.
>> No. 92980
Title: Daring Do and the Alicorn’s Shadow
Author: Crowind
Tags: [Adventure]
Synopsis: The Shroud of Shadows is either the greatest poetical metaphor turned into myth, or a real artifact that can grant tremendous power to its wearer. It doesn't fall into Daring Do's expertise either way, but when a colt stumbled upon the hitherto unknown site of the last battle between Princess Celestia and Nightmare Moon, she's all but jumping at the chance to explore. Even if it means dragging her reluctant friend deep into the uncharted parts of the Everfree Forest.
Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UXxi2sZncnePA9zFNpvsqc1phIJ1_dR9vlIPaKtS0iI/edit
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1frfSMgT4_6BZ_mKnJbFZ7pIOEbMEJiduge4Ch_H6lKs/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/159Oh3Ue4RMIhAeGf4ys_-fvZM_9ex4fDOiKXHCVciaM/edit

Prologue and Chapter 1 have been beta’d by Arcanus Brighthorn, so I need help for Chapter 2, but they’re here for the reviewer’s convenience.
I’d like to request the reviewer’s impression on characterizations and pacing, as well as grammatical errors.
>> No. 92983
Sure. Email contact is fine. My email is just cartoongeld at gmail
>> No. 92989
>sorry to barge in
>Fallout Equestria is third person limited
Well, the Afterword is. But apart from that, FOE is first person.

I think most modern stories (and overwhelmingly most pony fanfics) are third person of some sort.

The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy is one.

Harry Potter is one.
>> No. 92996
I'll give you a more thorough character-based review tomorrow, then. Thanks for the response!
>> No. 93019
Tags: [Crossover] [Grimdark] [Human in Equestria]

Synopsis: ODSTs are trained to handle any situation. Get any better, and they become spartans. However, no trooper is truly perfect. Garrett Archer gets more than what he bargained for after following an order to go back to Earth. He finds himself crashing in flames and waking up in Equestria, only to be introduced to more problems that add to the weight of the Human-Covenant war. Some see him as a monster, a friend, and the last piece of the puzzle.

Part 7: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17wpp2viovs-TsW8wwzKuxQnoT8oclUmoMejlTmbQk1c/edit

Comments: I would prefer to have my review in-doc. English is not my primary language, so please be patient with me. I'm willing to learn and develop myself. I'm determined to get this somewhere.
>> No. 93045
File 133272000817.jpg - (44.35KB , 250x267 , trixcord_small.jpg )
Tags: Adventure

Synopsis: In a desperate and costly bid to escape from his stone prison, Discord is left weak and helpless. Luckily for him, there is a nearby unicorn that he can hide in while he regains his power.

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Aqly26Lcyf0BSTmB-Ipko5kIzDkL4Yhk3RFt4BQr6cc/edit
All Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2278/Trixcord

The pre-readers of Equestria Daily said:

My comments: I just need the first chapter to be looked over (for now) as I need to get the above plotholes (explained in the GDoc) plugged up. I'm rather stumped on the matter myself. I have a couple of ideas but nothing that would adequately fix the issue.
>> No. 93048
Finally, after a very long break from writing I managed to get back to work on finishing up a fic. This time I hope will be the last time I have to clean up this chapter before submitting it to EqD. Let's hope there are no more glaring errors.

What is a Fluttershy Ch. 4



After developing odd feelings for a certain pony, Fluttershy confronts her friends in an attempt to come to terms with the new emotions
>> No. 93049
Thank you for reviewing.

>Your description could use some work. What does the LSOI's command station look like? What does the courtroom smell like? Is it hot in there? Stuff like that really helps bring a story to life.

You're right about needing to work on descriptions. It's something that will improve with practice for me.

>It's pretty interesting, but personally I'm not a big fan of the footnotes. What things are should be explained through the story, and not telly footnotes.

The footnotes are for non-essential information that I wanted to include. The reader can skip them if he wants.

>This is much too short to be a chapter. Most stories have around or more than 5k words for a chapter. This is not 5k.

I myself feel the chapters should be longer, but I'm not going to pad the chapters just to lengthen them. I'd imagine the average chapter length will increase as I write more.

>That being said, I'm very impressed with the amount of research and presentation shown in this story. Very nice.

Thank you. This story is really an excuse for me to geek-out on world building.
>> No. 93050
File 133272212206.jpg - (38.90KB , 320x320 , leather_skies_by_johnjoseco-d3k4a7v.jpg )
I've been waiting for this story forever! Thank you so much!
>> No. 93070
File 133272724044.jpg - (21.27KB , 277x243 , Dash snuggles.jpg )
Is that

Can it be?

I has... a fan?

>> No. 93073
>> No. 93074
This is me claiming dibs.
>> No. 93083
Longest-suffering fic that has tags I'll read and I can squeeze into a busy week. Expect a post by Thursday at the latest.
>> No. 93085
File 133273576826.png - (157.06KB , 463x449 , 131769261984.png )
More than just one.
>> No. 93087
Thanks for the claim!
>> No. 93092
by the way, when does chapter 5 come out? If there is a chapter 5 anyway.
>> No. 93098
Nope still only 4. If this one really does turn out to be good to go I will get started on 5 asap. My rate at fic making is terrible honestly. Not helped by me being easily distracted. I am glad that you have enough patience to wait this long for my fic.
>> No. 93130
File 133275485708.png - (54.32KB , 279x264 , 131958501874.png )
>I am not looking for a particular reviewer or anything, however I am looking for one who takes grammar seriously.
Then here's your first error: using however as a conjunction.

When we want to join clauses together, we must use a conjunction. In English there are two types of conjunctions: coordinating and subordinating. A coordinating conjunction simply joins two clauses together. A subordinating conjunction subordinates the clause that it is in, demanding that it be complemented by an independent clause.

The list of coordinating conjunctions is enumerable: for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so (remembered by the mnemonic FANBOYS).
The list of subordinating conjunctions is not.

Adverbs cannot be used to join clauses, and because the list of subordinating conjunctions is not countable, it's easy to be confused as to what is an adverb and what is a conjunction. "Am I allowed to join clauses with this word?" you might ask. The simplest way to determine this is if the word can be moved around in the clause while retaining the same meaning. To give an example: therefore is an adverb.
>He is an old man, therefore he is wise.
This can be rearranged while maintaining the same meaning:
>He is an old man, he is, therefore, wise.
>He is an old man, he, therefore, is wise.
This demonstrates that therefore is an adverb and cannot be used to join clauses, as doing so would result in a run-on sentence, making all of the above forms incorrect. To punctuate the above properly would require a semi-colon or full-stop. (You could also use an em dash, but in this case it isn't appropriate.)
>He is an old man; therefore he is wise.
>He is an old man. Therefore he is wise.

Adverbs alone are not strong enough to join clauses.

However, so is a conjunction. So,
>He is an old man, so he is wise.
is grammatically sound.

With that out of the way, I'll now begin, making note that I have a specific distaste for bad shipping.
>> No. 93162
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First up, there's an absurd amount of incorrect homophone and apostrophe usage in here. This is really annoying to see because it's so elementary, and it's hard to know if it's a result of you not being aware of correct usage or simple negligence on your part.

Apostrophes: used to show possession and contractions. The only unique case is the possessive form of it, which is its, without an apostrophe, to avoid confusion with the contraction of it is. Apostrophes are not used for plurals. Most words are made plural by simply suffixing an s—no apostrophe needed.

Homophone errors and elementary word farts:

If you don't know the difference between these words, look them up in a dictionary. See again: http://learnyourdamnhomophones.com/

Dialogue Punctuation:
I don't know of any good resources on this, but this one looks solid: http://www.be-a-better-writer.com/punctuate-dialogue.html
You often did things like "she said, 'hello.' ", leaving the h uncapitalised. If it's the start of a sentence in the dialogue, it's a capital h. You also constantly attributed speech to non-speaking verbs and didn't attribute speech to speaking verbs. Get this right; it's important. Incorrect usage makes you say things you don't mean and destroys your ability to communicate what is happening to the reader.

>bright orange hair
With compound descriptions, you need to punctuate it properly to show exactly what you mean to say. For example, this could mean:
>bright, orange hair
>bright-orange hair
>bright orange-hair
Albeit in this case the differences are minute, but it's important to say what you mean. Any future cases of this are marked by "cda" (compound description ambiguity).

>Remember those with me go in a tighter loop, we don't want another collision, do we Soarin?
The first half of this sentence is an independent clause in the imperative mood with an implicit subject, and the second half is an independent clause with the subject we. Make the first comma a semi-colon, full-stop, or em dash.

There should be a comma before "Soarin", indicating that he is being addressed. Whenever a person is being addressed, commas must be affixed around the address. In this case, without the comma, Soarin is being used as a verb in the form "Do we verb?" e.g., "Do we run?" Any future cases of this I've marked off as "cfa" (comma for address).

>A moment later they were flying in a straight line as Spitfire nodded causing the pegasi to tuck in their wings and began to plummet.
There should be a comma before causing, and began should be begin. Participle phrases should be set off by commas. Any future cases of this I've marked off as "cfp" (comma for participle).

>Her wings spread once again as she sped towards the rookie, sitting a sizable distance away, his eyes focused on the ground.
The last part of this sentence, "his eyes..." is a nominative absolute, but it's modifying a clause with Spitfire as the subject. Either you meant to say "her eyes", or you meant for everything after "sitting" to be a noun clause describing the rookie, which would be phrased as: "... rookie, who was sitting ..."

Weak page break. Use either a horizontal line or three centre-aligned asterisks. Also, when you're posting stuff in GoogleDocs, don't have it formatted for Fimfiction. It looks sloppy, even if it is a draft. How do you do this? Copy the rendered version of your document and paste it into GoogleDocs. This keeps all the formatting and stuff that Fimfiction's parser does when it renders the story. Then make your edits in the unrendered Fimfiction file (or your local .txt that you plan to copy into Fimfiction). (Other benefits of this: your story will be presented to your lovely reviewer in gorgeous Georgia instead of butt-ugly Arial.)

If you do feel like you're some kind of special snowflake that needs a special kind of scene break for the special snowflake story, at least make it consistent. Your page breaks use some weird combination of one to five asterisks and one to three underscores. But don't do this. Use horzontal lines or three centre-aligned asterisks.

>[ u]The adventures of Daring Doo[/u].
It's "Daring Do" (see: http://goo.gl/qKoyz). Also, titles of works should be italicised, not underlined. You shouldn't be underlining anything in prose, really. Underline in modern typography is reserved solely for hyperlinks. Also, "Adventures" should be capitalised.

>A loud thud resulted as the librarian was knocked down onto the floor, Spitfire laying on top of her.

In English there are two different verbs, lay and lie, that do similar but distinct things. To lie is to "be located or situated somewhere; occupy a certain position". To lay something is to "cause to have a certain (possibly abstract) location".* The main distinction between the two is their valency, i.e., how many arguments they take.

Lie takes one argument: the subject which is lying.
Lay takes two arguments: the subject which is laying, and the object which is being laid.

Sounds simple enough, right? But then when you get into the verb inflections, it turns out that the past tense of lie is lay, which causes all hell of confusion. The full set of inflections for each verb are:

infinitive, past tense, past participle, 3rd person singular present tense, present participle
lie, lay, lain, lies, lying
lay, laid, laid, lays, laying

The quoted case is the present participle form of lie, hence lying.

Your sentences often have lots of words where fewer would give more comprehendable results.
>her hooves carrying her inside
I know you think this is somehow "showing and not telling", but really this is just painful to read.
>Upstairs a loud thunk was heard
>the book put into a bag she borrowed from Twilight
>behind them stood a clearly fuming waiter.
>Spitfire and Twilight had both agreed
>Spitfire had responded in between laughs
>The practice had continued for another hour before finally ending.
>Spitfire began to see the library coming into view
This is mostly an issue of bad use of the passive voice. Here's a copy paste I stole from the Training Grounds doc:
>Passive voice occurs when using any form of "to be" or "to have" and another verb. Passive voice takes away the action from the subject of the sentence , and acts as a tell instead of a show. It's a sign of lazy writing, and  weakens the flow of the piece due to imprecise writing.
The reader wants to read the story in a linear fashion, and they want to read it easily. Say things as they happen. "This, then this, then this, then this." Of course you have to dress it up, but adding weird sentence forms is not the way to do it. You can avoid the monotony of it by mixing the forms up, but not by using awkward ones: preposition at the beginning of the sentence, at the end; dependent clause at the beggining, at the end; start sentence with a participle; use speech to punctuate narration; use narration to convey speech. There's no surefire way to teach this, so the simplest thing I can ask is that you read what you write, go through serious self-editing, and when you do, ask yourself, "Does this read well?" Keep things simple. Eschew surplus, as Twain said. All that said, you had some good descriptions of the character's emotions amidst the mess of syntax. Some self-editing could do your story some well-deserved justice.

Plot summary: lengthy introduction explaining the Wonderbolts doing a training routine entirely unrelated to the rest of the story. Spitfire has to go see Twilight for a book and they both became instantly infatuated with each other. They go on a date, but somehow Spitfire gets the impression that Twilight doesn't like her. Unrequited love turns into angst. "But she could never love me, *sob sob sob*" Unrequited love is confessed and they all live happily ever after.

This is quite possibly the most basic and turgid plot possible for romance. The entire story revolves around the relationship. This is a bad case of the big problem I have with shipping. It's obvious that the only purpose of this story is to ship the characters. It's not an experiment in asking what would happen if these two would have this relationship; the relationship is not used as a plot device in a larger story. It's the entire story, and it's predictable, bland, and boring. The unfortunate thing is that to fix this would require you to completely change the entire story, so this isn't something you can fix in this particular story. What you should take from this is that this is a bad way to frame a story. A story should not simply be "These two ponies have unrequited love, are sad because they don't think the other loves them, happy happy ending because confessed unrequited love!" There's absolutely no substance to it. So please, in future, try to bring something to the table than just "x fucks y".

Keep writing.
>> No. 93179
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I am quite curious about this one, let's see what I can do.
>> No. 93183
File 133279525938.png - (43.58KB , 249x315 , My bearded ponysona 2.png )

First, let's point out some grammar issues I noticed.


Most prized

>the kinds of people
The kind of people


No ellipsis as a narrator

Again, its

If you want to emphasize, avoid capitalization, bold or italics (I prefer the latter, but that's me) should be enough.

>"Hey Pinkie”
Hey, Pinkie!

>Me and other girls
The other girls and I, or maybe just "we"

>"No thanks Twilight.
No, thanks, Twilight.

>Ok Pinkie
Ok, Pinkie

> Twilight waved and shouted back.
Considering the situation, maybe rephrasing this one “Twilight shouted as she waved back.”

So, vocative commas and some "it's where should be its" are common mistakes. The latter is the most serious one though. Also, some phrases sounded weird to me but couldn't point out why or maybe it was just me. Also, thoughts don't need to be between quotation marks, italics is enough.

All and all, my beard approves of this story's concept. The idea, though odd at first, mutates in a pleasing and unexpected way (though I guess that "last twist" was added later considering the edit you have in the main page). Nevertheless, it's refreshing, and it was a fun reading. You should, however, check those lesser issues you have there.
>> No. 93197
>> No. 93198

I lol'd at, "X fucks Y." But I get your point and it is very very much appreciated.

Don't worry I'll keep writing, even if you had told me not to.

I will work on it, thanks again. I found no quarrel with any of your points.
>> No. 93200
>> No. 93201

Joining to review fics, might as well make this my first. And away we goooo!
>> No. 93212
>> No. 93213
And done. Format was a little off because I forgot about comment function, but don't wanna go back and fix it all.
>> No. 93217

Why did I pick this fic to read and review? Just 'cause.

I think you're off to a strong start with this.

>But instead, she hesitated: “A-- also: Luna?”
you had it right in the line above this one. It's a comma not a colon.

>They watched in silence as the final shimmering >sliver of sun slipped into the sea
Alliteration can be distracting, handle with care.

The whole paragraph with the ten items (pg. 13) read a bit awkwardly to me as well. I think you'd be better off describing the wake up routine in a bit more details rather than summarizing to the extent that you have. Prose shouldn't read like a shopping list but this paragraph does. You could probably even combine it with the paragraph of her early morning routine (14-15).

It's hard to critique the broader strokes of the story, since it's clear you're going somewhere with it and issues I raised will probably be addressed in the natural course of the plot. For example, right now we have nothing to go
on in terms of Just Cause's motivations or concerns, or a debate between the relative virtues of dictatorships vs. democracy. I'd expect as the story continues we'll get some reason for the sudden popular uprising beyond "Celestia and Luna are illegitimate rulers." Especially since Equestria seems to be a utopia by any reasonable standard.

By the by, I look forward to seeing this continued once you've made more progress on it.
>> No. 93219

Acknowledging. Thanks for your good work.

I don't have enough time to properly engage with your comments and get into discussing them, but I should say that I almost universally disagree with the suggestions you've given me on a nuts-and-bolts level. In fact, a lot of advice you've given me about commas and word replacements, I strongly suspect another reviewer would tell me to change right back. Not all of your nuts and bolts suggestions were 'wrong' in my eyes, but a lot of them were. I'll get into that once I have time.

That said you've made some good observations as well. I'm particularly curious about how you felt about Daybreak's portrayal.

Also, you didn't like my little exposition about how it feels to look at the world with magic-sight, and I'm inclined to agree. What do you think of that little passage? Any ideas for fixing it?
>> No. 93230
File 133281950685.png - (73.49KB , 570x479 , 570px-Surprise_by_takua770-d4jg48l.png )
Title: Breaking the Chains
Author: I_Post_Ponies
Tags: [Shipping][Adventure]
Length: 4500 words
Chapters for review: 1 (perhaps 2 if I finish it before the reviewer gets to it)
Synopsis: Discord left a surprise behind before being turned to stone: a great spell of chaos that has encompassed all of Equestria. Every pony is suddenly armed with weapons; each with a special magical ability tied to the pony who wields it. While most ponies have no interest in using these new weapons, some out there are...
Celestia sends a trio of ponies to quell the unrest, but they soon discover these dissenters are no mere troublemakers... they aim to release Discord himself.

Comments: This is kind of a prequel to another fic of mine, Resolution, which can be found on my fimfiction page if you wish to read it. I tried writing this so you wouldn't need to, though; the only thing shared between the two is one OC.
I've been told I have a problem with being repetitive, so keep an eye out for that. Also, writing the second scene felt like pulling teeth for me. It was very difficult and I want to know if it shows.
>> No. 93231
Needs a link, doesn't it?

>> No. 93237

Acknowledged, and thanks for reading Eakin!

>you had it right in the line above this one. It's a comma not a colon.
Noted and corrected.

>Alliteration can be distracting, handle with care.
Duly noted. I added the alliteration there to draw readers' attention to that point as a nexus in the scene, with the sun disappearing from view just as the mood of the conversation begins growing darker. Seeing that line by itself like this, though, makes it clear I took it a bit overboard. I'm thinking I'll cut back, but I do want to keep some alliteration.

>The whole paragraph with the ten items (pg. 13) read a bit awkwardly to me as well. I think you'd be better off describing the wake up routine in a bit more details rather than summarizing to the extent that you have. Prose shouldn't read like a shopping list but this paragraph does.
Yup, I was trying to be a little too cute by introducing the newspaper in a jarring way, to draw out the foreshadowing. I'll normalize it.

>It's hard to critique the broader strokes of the story, since it's clear you're going somewhere with it and issues I raised will probably be addressed in the natural course of the plot.
You are correct, sir. All will be revealed....

Anyway, I really appreciate you reading and your comments. This is my first fic, and I wanted to make sure I was on the right track before starting in earnest on chapter two. You will most definitely see it continued.
>> No. 93249
File 133282957621.png - (72.42KB , 600x636 , 105497 - artist-highplainssquinter ask ask_bonbon_and_lyra ask_bon_bon_and_lyra FlutterJuice jui.png )
Here we go.

Should be done in a few days.
>> No. 93285
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[Adventure] [OC-Heavy]

Arcanus Brighthorn told me to post requesting his review on the following chapters for Spirits of Harmony:

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wLzZACvi8cvsdquxF5t0nu2VbCCs_2E6gfBJfOU1Ggg/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1uXRrpiCAF4eYUjNNM9Nwqg36TmE77PMSyHTHstSc9iE/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UrRgE3LCM4m-F3c_c6txs87MDsStTXGDm_0iSbeyCgM/edit
Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Lu8skIb5o2V20MVAzlGoXldttbzEb8j7Da_6yURwZaY/edit
Chapter 5: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vOnWZ3BOmtdyau9ey59zPFBgOMwahLGprRJ0XJ08zz8/edit
>> No. 93287
File 133287727723.png - (965.87KB , 1920x1080 , Twilight_Celestia_Hugs_S1_E2.png )
Tags: [Normal] [Sad] [Psychological]

Synopsis: Princess Celestia is never seen without a kind, warm smile on her face. Yet, she's over a thousand years old...just over two thousand, to be exact. She has problems no other pony could ever imagine, including losing every friend she has ever had. How does she smile? And what other problems does she have? In this story, Princess Celestia shows Twilight a secret room and prepares her to deal with inevitable loss. Afterall, as a powerful unicorn, Twilight will also outlive many ponies. Celestia also shares many scenes from her life, to show her faithful pupil exactly what it's like to be her.


I would like the first two (the only two, so far) chapters reviewed, please. Right now, I am shooting for a framing story type of work, like the Canterbury Tales. Each scene from Celestia's life will be a chapter that could be broken off into a separate short story. I'm not entirely sure of the overall arching conflict yet, but I have a couple ideas. For now, I mainly want to know how well I'm doing developing the character of Celestia, as well as conveying emotion and thoughts.
>> No. 93292
Awesome. I'll take it.
>I'm not on a computer I own, so I have no access to my folder. As such, just imagine that a picture of Rarity looking really intense with a caption reading "IT IS ON" is to the left of here. Thanks.
>> No. 93311
To whomever, put me in the queue as a reviewer, thanks, but you misspelled my name >:o

Understandable about that.

As for the aura sentence, a possible replacement would be "Where other unicorns would see auras, Daybreak felt them." since it's implying it's more common for auras to be seen.

Also, I reread it, and noticed a few more things.

>Then again, it was impossible to describe what it was like to experience the world in a way irrelevant to any animal sense.

Do you mean relevant instead?

Additionally, Daybreak's seeming lack of care about the missed calls seems peculiar. It's unlikely that she would completely forget about them, even with the bombshell that was the message, they were marked High Priority, and she did vaguely recognize the address.

Daybreak seems to be fairly well organized, but able to adapt easily, and doesn't freak out if things don't go according to schedule. She's in the upper middle class, and is fairly refined, as evidenced by her professorship. She's polite, and nonjudgmental, so she wouldn't curse without a good reason. Looking back on it, she was just thinking it, so it would be excusable for cursing, but if she starts developing Tourette's Syndrome, no me gusta.
>> No. 93345
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Thank you very much for getting back to that. You were very true to your word, of that I am grateful. Just to make sure that you saw it (since you didn't respond to the new post instead), I added another chapter. If you could possibly include that in your review, I would be ever so thankful.
>> No. 93351
Claiming the Dissaray Trilogy Part 1
>> No. 93359
File 133290701793.png - (28.86KB , 447x336 , tumblr_lgm6raIpGi1qh48hho1_500.png )

Thank you for your review!

I have also noticed those mistakes, yet I was to lazy to go back and change them. I plan a sequel for this story based off of another "party game" that Pinkie plays. I might even turn the "Pinkie Plays *deadly game*" thing into a short series...
>> No. 93377
I Claim this fic for me self!

Looks interesting. I'm a tad busy this week, but a review will probably be here by Sunday.
>> No. 93398
Well, this is my first sadfic and I'm trying to make this very presentable, so I could get all the help I can get. If anyone specializes in sadfics, I'd love ideas on how to make things more depressing. Keep in mind this is just the prologue, the first chapter in a three chapter story.

Sad/Tragedy/Slice of Life

Princess Celestia is haunted by memories of the past, and they are taking their toll on the demigod. This is the story of the Alicorn's darkest hour and the version of Equestrian history that nopony has ever heard before.

Google Docs
>> No. 93416
I've got a pretty good review of >>92966 from Applejinx, so I think I'll revoke this request for now.

I'll try to claim some stuff and do some reviews later, if I can find the time.
>> No. 93434
File 133291990179.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )

Never know what hit 'em.
>> No. 93443
File 133292142489.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )

Hmm... your grammar's pretty good. Nothing distracting, at least. The plot's pretty solid on this one, and you've got a decent balance between pacing action and exposition.

I've only got four real problems with this: one, you abuse line breaks. Some of your paragraphs ought to be merged together in order to better represent a single idea. Without that, your story comes off as jagged and disconnected. Look at every paragraph and ask yourself, "Should I connect this to the paragraph before it? Below it?" Remember to keep separate speakers in their own paragraphs, though. You don't have that problem, but I don't see why you should give it to yourself while you fix another.

Two, you've got a lot of "talking heads." It's fine to have dialogue to explain the conflict (which you do nicely), but at the same time, those are people ponies speaking: living, breathing ponies. They've got body language. They've got things they do while speaking, bored little tics. Show some emotion through body language and they'll feel like fuller, more robust characters.

Ironically, flat characters isn't a problem because of the dialogue you present.

Three, the scenes with the class in the lecture hall are completely useless to the plot. Omit them.

Finally, if Rainbow Dash wasn't subtle enough for the time-travel mission, then why does she even need to ask about Pinkie Pie?

All in all, this is a very Dr. Who-ish feeling thing (nothing wrong with that), and you still capture the feel of the show very well. Polish this up and it'll be gold.
>> No. 93451
First thing's first, you've got some chapter formatting issues to fix. There's a blank page at the end of chapter 1. Also, you should consider using a page break after the title image, so that the chapter heading is consistent across the two chapters. Finally, you should make sure the links are consistent across all chapters; they're not in chapter one.

Your grammar's decent, so congratulations on fixing that. You've still got "telling," though. As a rule, never say, "She was happy." It's boring and passive. Go with an active way of demonstrating that emotion: "She hopped up and down, smiling."

The pace on the first chapter is still pretty plodding. You should cut out as much of the boring party as possible because, frankly, no one wants to read a tedious story about a crappy party. Similarly, the only conflict you've introduced in the first chapter is that Vinyl Scratch has to stay in-town and redo the gig. Problems with this, but frankly, this is a Dr. Whooves story, right? Whatever time-related mission he's on should be brought to the forefront ASAP.

On to "Vinyl being stuck in town." I find it extremely difficult to believe that she didnt' have a contract that disallowed just such bullshit of "not paying." She contracted her producer, he should've told her to come home and then take the museum curator to court. Secondly, though, she canceled a gig to stay around for a douchebag prince's second party after he didn't even show up for the first. That... that doesn't make sense. Even if the second gig pays less, it's unprofessional to bail like that, and frankly, an Electronica DJ doesn't strike me as the type of pony who would stick around for "round two with the douche."

All in all, work on your hook. If you don't get people wanting to read your story after the first chapter, then it's a failure of a first chapter.
>> No. 93456
File 133292540802.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
>Heh. Spy story.

The grammar on this one still needs work. Everything is in the present tense. That's a bad thing, because it doesn't sound like a story is naturally told. You've got inconsistent quotes inside quotes (some are single quotes, some are double quotes; nix the latter), and I noticed a few punctuation marks missing at the end of dialogue.

Worse than the grammar is the style in this, though. It's less of a "story" and more of "lines." "She says. I say. She says. I says. She says." It gets grating to read that. The preening scene in chapter two got a little bit better, because Dash was at least doing something while she was talking. Still, you should have locales, scenery, furniture, body language, and emotions. All of those are lacking in this story. You should expand on what's happening in the scenes, not just what's being said. Right now, you've only got half of the battle here.

Next up, there's the fact that you seem to have hit on a "double failure" of a crossover. You took the characters from one series and put them in the plot of another series. Then, you made all of the characters out-of-character, and you removed a lot of the charm and feel of both series. In the first two chapters, there was one "When you're a spy" explanation. There also wasn't any of the famous "Miami scenery," though I'm not sure how that would translate into text. You should really figure out a way to make this more like Burn Notice and/or My Little Pony; right now, it's in a lukewarm middle-ground that leaves much to be desired by fans of either show.

That being said, I found myself laughing at some of the jokes in spite of them being out-of-character and not really related to either franchise. So it wasn't a complete loss.

But this could be so much better.
>> No. 93458

Your chapter headings are inconsistent across the two chapters. Also, you linked to the godawful mobile version of chapter two.

I skimmed chapter one to bring me up to speed for chapter two. Without going into too much depth, it had a problem that it was three completely unrelated scenes: Twilight and Applejack "cooking," Luna screaming at some noble blowhard, and a human man killing a little boy. I don't care if they're related perfectly in chapter two, they need to have some connection for the first chapter. That's your one shot to hook people, and frankly, grimdark is going to scare people off in droves to begin with.

Okay, after reading chapter two, my biggest problem is the narrative / scene flow of this story. Across the first two chapters, you've got Twilight/AJ -> Luna -> Serial Killer -> creepy demon -> Cops -> Cops at home -> Berry Punch

I bolded the part that forms a coherent narrative. I italicized the scenes that could be removed and not detract from the plot at all.

I can respect that you're writing a Humans in Equestria fic, but at the same time, at this point in the story, the "Equestria" part is extremely tacked-on. As of right now, though, I'm quite confused as to the direction and necessity of all of the scenes. I'll recommend that you work on tying all of these scenes together from the get-go instead of now, chapter three at the earliest.

Also, the use of models of cars / guns is a little bit overdone. Does it matter that it's a SIG or a Beretta? It's a stylistic choice on your end, so if you think it does, go for it.

Anyway, the characters here aren't bad, if the dialogue's a bit hammy: I don't think any angry adult would say "freaking" or "screw this" after finding a child's corpse and having the serial killer escape. But I find myself believing these characters exist, even if I doubt their home life is necessary to the story (especially since, you know, they don't really react / care that someone TELEPORTED AWAY FROM A CRIME SCENE).
>> No. 93460
File 133292829911.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )

Insofar as a "writing exercise," you got the dialogue punctuation down pat, at least. Kudos.

Insofar as a "story," this is a rambling, barely-coherent mess of narration. Luna blows up the moon and creates a new one by rolling things into a ball, katamari-style. However, none of this is shown to the reader, it's just a mess of screaming heads. You overuse caps lock and Internet memes.
>> No. 93467
>> No. 93468
>> No. 93479
File 133295335476.png - (894.14KB , 2000x953 , storyimage.png )
Requesting critique. Is that how it works around here? /shrug

[Romance] [Slice of Life]


Applejack has been feeling a bit down lately, and her friends haven't been able to help her. The Apple family then decide that they have worked the poor farmpony too hard and let her go off on holiday. She tells Granny Smith and Big Macintosh about how she wants to visit her old house in Manehattan and see Aunt and Uncle Orange again. While out there, she explores the town then decides to head to the hills outside of the bustling city, to do a bit of reminiscencing about the old days, her friends and how together they managed to overcome trials and tribulations.

>> No. 93486
Forgot my trip.
>> No. 93490
Tags: [normal] [slice of life]
Synopsis: After an encounter with Gilda, Rainbow Dash becomes obsessed with winning a rac to a dangerous degree, until her friends remind her that she does not need to prove herself.
List of links to the story:
goggle-docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13Bx6DCAQwk2kGHCZelmgRKTyoqf6wxHZDt_PAKnFW9A/edit
Fim-fiction (for anybody who might prefer that): http://www.fimfiction.net/story/1089/2/Without-a-Doubt/Revision-2
Chapters: one-shot
Comments: I had submitted the first version of this story for review before (months ago. I'm a slow-poke), here:
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/63013.html#63302 and had received this review:
>> No. 93493
You seem to be overusing a lot of adjectives. Having so many really breaks the flow of the piece. Try and cut back on it, not everything needs extra descriptions. On that note, when you do have multiple adjectives in a row describing an object, there should be commas separating them. ex: "a small puffy white cloud" -> "a small, puffy, white cloud"

“Just another job well done by the perfect Rainbow Dash!” - This line feels awkward for some reason. I think you could drop the "Just" from the beginning of the sentence. "the perfect" should go too, that's where the flow of the sentence breaks the most. "the perfect Rainbow Dash" implies that their are imperfect Rainbow Dashes out there or that Rainbow Dash is an action or inanimate object, simply with the connotations that the word caries. Suggested rewrites: "Another job well done by Rainbow Dash!"/"Another job well done by Ponyville's top pegasus!"

At that moment a cloud had lazily drifted over town and was threatening to cause shade on it. “Oh no you don’t!” Faster than a bolt of lightning, Dash had already flown to the cloud and pulled her arm back ready to deliver a devastating blow to the cloud. “This’ll show you to cross The Dash! Oooh! I like the sound of that.”

We're going to take a moment and dissect this paragraph, bit by bit.

"At that moment a cloud had lazily drifted over town and was threatening to cause shade on it." - This sentence contradicts itself.If the cloud HAD lazily drifted over town, then it wouldn't have been "at that moment." It would have been before that moment. Additionally, if the cloud was drifting lazily then it wouldn't have happened all of a sudden like the first part of the sentence implies. Another problem crops up at the end of the sentence, "threatening to cause shade on it." This is just awkward wording that throws a huge wrench into the flow of the piece. While it is true that clouds cause shade, the wording you use is clumsy. When people talk about clouds, they say that they cast shadows or shade, not cause them. The "it" at the end of the sentence also causes a hang up, since we already know about the town you either need to elaborate further or cut it entirely. Suggested rewrites: "A cloud had lazily drifted over town, threatening to cast a shadow upon it's cobblestone streets."/"At that moment a cloud drifted over the town, casting a shadow."

"Faster than a bolt of lightning, Dash had already flown to the cloud and pulled her arm back ready to deliver a devastating blow to the cloud."- The sentence goes on for longer than it needs to and also has a slight problem with too many descriptors. To kick things off, "had" is the primary verb in this sentence. You cannot "have" something faster than a bolt of lightning. Even dropping the hyperbole (which for the record aren't really a good idea in narrative), the sentence displays a problem I've been picking up on all throughout the piece up until this point. You keep speaking in a Past Perfect tense or mixing Past Perfect and Past Progressive for no reason when Simple Past would be far more appropriate and flow much better. For a guide on these tenses, see this site: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/601/1/

"This'll show you to cross the Dash! Ooh! I like the sound of that." This is just crummy dialogue. While the content is very "Dash," the wording doesn't sound like something she would say. I can't picture her saying this in my head.

Your next paragraph begins with another hyperbole description and shows repetition in your sentence structure, shake it up a bit.

I haven't read the entire fic, but I feel I've already found enough things for you to work on. It's not my job to rewrite or edit your fic, it's yours. Rounding things up, here are the things I've noticed that you need to work on:

-Cut down on adjectives and hyperbole
-Give the fic a thorough read, looking specifically for awkward wording
-Fix your tenses. Simple Past is all you really need unless there is a specific reason to write it otherwise. Tense guide here: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/601/1/
-Grammar/punctuation needs fixing in places
-Keep an eye out for repetition in sentence structure and wording. The story should have a flow, not a rhythm
-Word your dialogue a little better. You have the feelings right for the characters but something is still off about the actual words, I wish I could put my finger on it.
>> No. 93509
File 133296715908.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )

I'm gone...
>> No. 93515
The story can be better than it is at its current state.
title: R.A.I.N.B.O.W Dash
tags: Normal, Comedy
description: Rainbow Dash has been separated into 7 individual ponies.
link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wupf_5GczAW6t1W9P1FqHB7nIReZI6ynMRRPRf1EsRk/edit
>> No. 93516
Title: The Mourning Sun

Princess Celestia is haunted by memories of the past, and they are taking their toll on the demigod. This is the story of the Alicorn's darkest hour and the version of Equestrian history that nopony has ever heard before.

Chapter 1 of 3: Prologue v1.2

I understand that everything can always be improved on, and seeing as this is my first sadfic and I'm trying to make this very presentable so I could get all the help I can get. If anyone specializes in sadfics, I'd love ideas on how to make things more depressing.
>> No. 93517

Thank you!
>> No. 93521
File 133297018699.png - (2.18MB , 1268x1256 , ClaimPost3.png )

>Story from my private queue comes to the TG
>Posts twice and neither entry makes it to the spreadsheet.

For the sake of conserving other people's resources, I'm taking this.
>> No. 93522

I'll go with something small, as I've been away for quite some time. Should make good editing practice.
>> No. 93524
File 133297059155.jpg - (34.80KB , 668x400 , Exhibit A.jpg )

Thank you! Seeing as it didn't get to the spreadsheet, I wanted to just remind everyone.
I would have deleted the first post but I forgot the password.
>> No. 93538
File 133297318410.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
The pacing in the first chapter of this story is far too slow, and the narration is mildly incoherent. I couldn't make it through five thousand words in an hour (and I usually have a reading speed of 500 words per minute), and I had to force myself to keep reading up to the three-quarter's mark.

Virtually none of the action presented in your narration is related to the conflict. Now, you establish this conflict early on: both princesses are having nightmares. However, you don't give enough focus or coherence to the methods that they try to fix their problems. Nor do you point out how the problems are related; that is, why this is one story instead of two.

The pony side of this doesn't feel very much like Equestria, but then again, that's probably because your Celestia and Luna are fairly flat "princess archetypes." There's very little of their emotions or personality that's expressed in the writing.

If anything, I'd say that you spend a vast majority of your writing explaining the intricacies of how each of the two governments are run. Which, while that would be interesting in another context, is not conducive to a conflict-driven plot.

In fixing this, I advise that you go back to the drawing board on this. Focus on the plot and conflict, not meaningless detail. Cut down on your explanations of things and work at making your writing more efficient. Not barren, mind you, some explanation needs to take place; at the same time, you need to focus on the actions and characters more than their world.
>> No. 93546
File 133297577608.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )

Some grammar to look out for when you proofread this the next time:

-present tense in narration
>Two ponies run away from an unknown threat
should be
>Two ponies ran away from an unknown threat

-use commas, not periods, when connecting dialogue to a speaking verb
>“Eheh… It’s kind of embarrassing.” Octavia said.
should be
>“Eheh… It’s kind of embarrassing,” Octavia said.

-spell out numbers
>Section 4
should be
>Section Four

-find any instances of two spaces and replace them with one ("__" with "_")

But no, other than the "editor threads," it's up to you to do the mechanical parts. The grammar on this is mostly good, at any rate, so I'm confident you can do a few proofread sweeps and clean up most of the rest of the errors here.

On to what you've written, I agree entirely with the prereader: you don't do a very good job at establishing the scenes, scenery, or even the factions involved in this conflict. Near the end of this chapter, Gilda sets off a suicide bomb that "seemingly obliterates everyone in the area," yet she just drove past Twilight in some sort of a car ("Nightmare frames," which weren't quite explained). So when the next scene shifts back to Twilight, there's quite a bit of confusion as to what just happened.

So make sure that, when you write a scene and/or introduce a new plot-related concept, you explain things clearly and efficiently. I don't need to know about the horsepower given by the V8 of a Camry that's parked outside of the next-door bank, but if we're in an outdoor cafe, I'd like to know a little about the table positioning and how populated the restaurant is.

Similarly, I have no idea what "side" everyone's on in this conflict. I know that Gilda/Trixie/Rainbow Dash are on one "side," then there's the Equestrian Military, then there's Twilight/Luna/Octavia/Vinyl Scratch on... some side, but really, for a war-driven story, this doesn't do enough to distinguish the opposing factions that are involved.

Use your words to paint a picture. Just balance that out with the constant need to progress the plot: don't dwell on the unnecessary. However, that's also up to you to make the call on what is and is not necessary to the plot's conclusion.

Moving on, I'd like to point out this excerpt:
>“They seem to forget they are on the student council! They’re off gambling for money! Twi may be smart, but she wastes her time on stupid things!” scolded Luna, holding her food in her hoof. “If only she’d apply herself in school, she’d get high grades!” yelled Luna.

As this is Luna sitting around a table with three of her school-mates, this is the pinnacle of my next critique: most, if not all, of the characters here are out of character. I've never seen Code Geass, but at the same time, if you're doing the "replace Code Geass characters with ponies" route of a cross-over, I want to remind you that that is the laziest way to do a crossover. If you're going to do that route, then you could literally pick any other universe to cross over with.

If you're going to go with My Little Pony, then you need to work on skillfully blending the two universes so they both coexist, not just saying "Twilight is The Code Geasser." Or however that show works.
>> No. 93551
First of all, thank you.

Ok, now some thoughts on the review:
MY GRAMMAR SUCKS. Ok, now that we've noted that... I never knew how truly awful it was. I thought I was the bomb being one of only two people in my class to pull a 4.0 in English 101, but looking back at my essays for the class, I see them rife with errors. Definitely something for me to work on.

Ok, as for some of the more literary things.
This was inspired by some work I was doing with some mailing labels the other day, if you send the same sheet of paper through a laser printer multiple times in fairly quick succession you'll start running into black streaks. Sometimes as early as the second time through. However, if you let the paper sit for an hour or so, this won't occur. It has to do with the energies used to make the print.

We wouldn't have seen this in show because the only time a letter is magicked more than once, there is definitely a break between the sendings. (Return of Harmony, part 2). Becuase magic is genereally treated as just another form of energy, and spike is apparently using a magical connection, I made a logical leap. Unfortunately, I forgot that not everyone knows the exact same things I do, thus creating this problem.

>My dialogue
I think that what you are reading in the dialogue is simply me being me. I often joke that "vocabulary is not in my lexicon" and it has been known to show in my writings. Apparently it has here as well. I'll definitely be fixing that.

I'm also a fan of messing with sentence structure, as you noticed, and sometimes it gets a touch out of hand. Another thing for me to fix.
We know that Luna is completely seperate from NMM, yet, wouldn't you be ticked if someone removed your throne?
The epynomous "First Lunar Republic" was a time when Luna had total (yet peaceful) control, similar to Celestia in Modern Equestria. The main part of the story is going to be how Celestia forcibly removed her ~100 years before her descent into NMM

>Letter Typography
I blame MacOS X Tiger. I'm going over to fix that momentarily.

>Forgetting capitals
Where do you see this? I went through, as well as a couple of my friends, and none of them found a missing capital anywhere. Except for where there are those nasty comma splices, but as those are not yet the beggining of sentences, counting them against me is counting an error twice.

All I can say is that "I'm a Seattleite." That's really the only explanation I have. That said, you should theoretically be able to walk into any Starbucks in the world and be able to order any drink mentioned in the fic, though some of them may not carry some things, especially the international stores. I know because I've done just that at the one across the street from my school.


Thank you once again for pointing out what it was that I did wrong. Though from the looks of it, I apparently did very little (if anything) right. I will take your advice and apply it the best I can to my story. Many happy travels unto you!
>> No. 93555
Just a note, the doc for my fic has been filled with comments from another reviewer--should I make and link another copy?
>> No. 93559
File 133297842008.png - (468.53KB , 676x1144 , Cassiusupset.png )

From the synopsis I am given at the start of the story, I anticipate something very generic. I would suggest digging up the synopsis review thread to get this fixed so it is something that sounds like it should be read. There's a plethora of all-powerful "haunted by their past" characters in fiction, and generally they are known for being unlikable, annoying, and brood constantly (see: Edward Cullen). That being said, there are characters that can pull off this dynamic fairly well (See: Conner MacLeod).

On my initial observations, I see an odd choice of formatting. For whatever reason, you've decided that line breaks are two free lines instead of just one. I have no idea why you have made this decision, and I would urge you to return to single line break format as two free lines usually signify a scene change.

You have few speech tags, and instead have an abundance of action tags. Almost every single piece of dialogue in the story is weighted by some sort of action tag, which is not a terrible problem, but really gets irritating after a while because the tag type is getting no variation. Most of the time the speech tag can be omitted altogether since you have only two characters around, and you seem to have a nasty tendency to weigh your tags with adverbs, but I'll get to that later. Moreover, there's a heavy emphasis on actions instead of description, which is a tell-tale sign that you're telling more than showing.

The interior monologue is severely lacking on Celestia's part. With the exception of two sentences on the first page, the formula for this story seems to be:

Character A dialogue
Character B action
Character B dialogue
Character A action
Character A dialogue

Rinse and repeat. Then we get to character monologing, which I'll speak about later.
While we're pointing out cookie-cutter errors, there is also the matter of the Lavender Unicorn Syndrome you seem to invoke at every available opportunity.

What is Lavender Unicorn Syndrome?

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what
happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you
repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe
your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just
remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies
every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course,
lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and
improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better
writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons,
and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way
to go through life.

Credit to Vanner for making this copy-pasta.

You asked about the fluidity of dialogue to which I have this to ask: when do these character do something interesting or plot related? The conversation really starts to drag by the time you get to the second page, and the reader begins wondering if the story will ever go anywhere anytime soon. When you're writing the introduction, things need to happen, and usually within the first page or so. Something interesting, something that makes me want to continue reading. What you currently have are paragraphs upon paragraphs where the characters talk about magic spells, which is nothing significant in the grand scheme of things, while the plot stagnates.

To get back to the initial question though, essentially "is my dialogue stilted?" I would say that there are definitely bits that need to be trimmed, and some of the reactions are a bit overblown and unwieldy, but generally the dialogue progresses without significant impairment. That being said, the dialogue in its length alone is very obtrusive; there are paragraphs upon paragraphs of dialogue with very few sentences coming from the narrative, mostly containing the bare bones of an action.

You have an awkward selection of phrasing choices. Excessive wordiness is you prime problem, and you can solve this easily by cutting the unnecessary fat from your sentences. Another issue to mention is the overuse of the "and" conjunction, which is another sign of telly writing. Usually you'll have a character do Y and X and end a sentence with no building on their reaction, thoughts, motivation, or description. On the first page alone, five out of the eight sentences that come from the narrative contain an "and" conjunction, and usually describe a pair of actions tacking place. Of your approximately 260 sentences, 142 of them contain "and." There are other conjunctions you can use. Cookie cutter sentence phrasing makes a story seem dull and uninteresting, like it has no soul. Variation is definitely needed in this regard.

Adverbs adverbs adverbs. You use so many of them in a generally redundant fashion. An adverb should be used if it adds something to what is already being said; redundant usage adds nothing because it already plays to what the audience thought. For example:

>warmly smiled. (as opposed to smiled coldly)
>spoke calmly (as if we expected her to be alarmed)
>The Princess monotoned thoughtfully (thinking thoughtfully in a thought, that's a new one)

In regards to grammar, there are some errors, mostly centered around comma omissions.The most common error I see is that you omit commas where there's subordinate or adverbial clauses or when you're using an independent-independent clause structure connected by a coordinating conjunction. Since the TG (and I) are on the backlog, I won't concern myself with spotting every error, but the story is not clean, but is still cleaner than most.

Celestia's lamenting over her lost sister has been done to death, and this particular iteration is not gracefully enough done to make it stand out from the monotony. Generally, the interior monologing Celestia goes through is fairly unconvincing, mostly because you're using it a device to clue the reader in with what's going on in a very, very obvious fashion. Take:

>I too was so enthusiastic to learn something new, I thought nothing could hold me back. Whether it was a new spell, a new aerial maneuver, a new riddle, I thought I was unstoppable! But then…

The provocation and descent into this line of thinking is not only unfounded in its context, but also hammy in its presentation. I feel like Celestia is just having uncontrollable mood-swings where topics have no logical boundary. It seems like a lame excuse to start telling the backstory, especially with thoughts like:

>When I first used the Elements... Nothing prepared me for the moment. No book could ever tell me what to prepare for.

At least you avoided the classically bad character archetype, but what you've substituted for it isn't that much better: a character who talks endlessly about what happened to them in the past with little to know provocation. It's just hard to see this as in-character when information like this hits you in droves with no attempts at subtlety or disguising the plot railroad, so to speak.

My most scathing critique of this story is that nothing really particularly interesting happens in it, no new information is learned, and this prologue could be omitted entirely without any damage to the plot whatsoever. The emotional investment is completely stifled by this. There's an effort to writing proper here, but there's not much of interesting writing. There's a lot of exposition, and by a lot of exposition, I mean that the entire chapter is one huge dump of exposition basically detailing the background of a story all people familiar with the world of FiM know, which is why it comes across as largely unnecessary. I would suggest you streamline this chapter or omit it entirely from your final product; it doesn't add anything the reader didn't already know, although I recommend saving the flashback/breakdown scene to be used in later chapters, but the massive dump of exposition has probably killed your reader's interest by this point. The set-up takes far too get the plot jump-started in this case.
>> No. 93568
I'm sorry that this is taking, I've been dealing with some personal issues. In any case, I should have it done by tomorrow.
>> No. 93572
File 133298269390.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )

Grammatically, this one needs some work. Jmozziel has pointed out a lot of your problems, but I'll say things that you should still keep in mind when you go back and proofread this story

-Direct thoughts belong in italics. They follow the same rules as dialogue, for the most part: they require punctuation and you should tie them to the narration with a "thinking verb."
-Don't insert random asides with parenthesis.
-Don't use a complicated synonym of a word if a simpler one will suffice.

The writing itself leaves something to be desired as well. You have a lot of unnecessary details in some scenes, such as when you're describing what Bon-Bon's eating for breakfast. Then, the important details, such as actions that are relevant to the plot, aren't dwelled upon as much as they ought to be.

You have awkward wording in a lot of places. Try reading this piece out loud, and you'll see what I mean (unless you're a non-native English speaker, which I get that vibe from you).

On that note, Bon Bon sounds unnatural for a lot of this story. Her dialogue does not sound like "people" actually talk (which is how ponies talk); it sounds stilted and awkward. Similarly, her attitude/personality throughout the story moves from "Passive Aggressive Bitch" to "Overt Bitch" to "Oh, okay, we're friends" in the last scene. Since she's had virtually no emotions shown throughout this piece other than "despising Lyra," this change comes as fairly sudden.

This story is a novel concept, so I have high hopes for this if you make the ponies and writing sound more natural.
>> No. 93576

I had some time to go over your suggestions, which for the most part I completely agree with. I didn't even know about LUS, but I am guilty of that. The stupid little things like comma errors and adverbs I'll be on the look out for, but overall I do think the prologue could be made more compact. Things need to be focused more on Celestia, not so much on Twilight. The chapter is already in for some rough revisions.

You also made the odd suggestion to omit the Prologue all together, and now that I think about it that could be a possibility. Perhaps I should wait on the Prologue and Epilogue until I get the actual story completed then take things from there. I'm about half way done with it, then I'll do my own edits before I seek out help again.

And more than anything I thank you for your time and respect your input on the story.
>> No. 93582

I gotta applaud your efforts here. You've done some very helpful, insightful reviews and you're doing them voraciously. The demand for reviews greatly outpaces people's willingness to hand them out, so your efforts are nothing short of heroic. Good show.
>> No. 93584
Line-by-line in doc.

I like the improvements in the break-out section, but the battle still needs serious work. A war is more than two sides running at each other. I'm going to assume that this world uses a mix of late-medieval force arrangement and attacks with Industrial artillery power.

Let's go through this battle step-by-step.

Step 1: Positioning

Countless battles have been won or lost before the first casualty. In fact, before Napoleon it was basically the position of the troops that made or broke the battle. Kings would surrender hundreds of acres of land if they were caught at the wrong moment or were stuck fighting an uphill battle.

BATTLE TIP 1: A general won't engage if he know's he's going to lose and the force he's using isn't defending something critical to the success of the campaign. Both sides need to think that they'll win to begin an engagement.

Needless to say, it's important. Before the battle, good commanders will stack every element in their favor. Terrain, weather, troop morale, hunger, everything.

BATTLE TIP 2: Battles aren't a binary win/lose dichotomy. 99% of the time, a battle will end with one side retreating after it becomes clear that they will lose, and not a moment later. Live to fight another day and all that.

But fine, you've got something, which is much more than most other stories can say. Still, there's more to a battle than positioning.

Step 2: Maneuvering

Okay, let's say that you have two forces that are within range for a major engagement. This is when the generals will draft a plan for battle and enact it.

BATTLE TIP 3: The plans for a battle will always have a line of reinforcement/retreat/logistics, and a plan of attack that will involve gaining superiority in one manner.

Typically a battle is won or lost based on the rout of the main forces. The stability of the main line (which is in the center of the battle) essentially means victory or defeat. Simply put, an army divided in two is one-fourth as effective.
There are three critical areas on a major offensive force that can easily lead to the destabilization of the main battle line:

The Back: A line of battle is easy to hold. A circle is significantly more difficult. The most devastating move that ground-based forces can perform is encircling their enemy. This is the only way to ensure complete destruction of the army. The foe is left with no retreat route and has to divert forces from the main line to fight in the back.

The Flanks: The second best location to gain superiority is the flanks. A flank attack requires diversion of the main force but does not cut the escape route.

Their Heads: Gaining air superiority will lead to a swift victory. You can attack the core of the army, and destabilize their main line of attack without even needing to touch them. There's a reason the Nazis steamrolled Europe, and it begins and ends with air superiority. This is such an advantage that I'd posit any force that can manage to keep air superiority could easily beat out any army. The unicorns need something to protect themselves from attacks from the air.

Step 3: The Fighting
Why in the world would Luna decide to throw away her terrain advantage by charging? If there's one thing in this chapter that makes absolutely no sense it is Luna's decision to charge.

BATTLE TIP 4: Defenders will typically win over aggressors. That means that letting the enemy come to you is a very good idea.
Uphill battles lose. Downhill battles win. Look up what how units move in a battlefield before committing to Hollywood tactics.

That being said, if unicorns can perform ranged attacks, why are they fighting at a melee distance? They'd probably be a bit farther apart, to reduce friendly fire and to ease the confusion. Save the charges for the end, when the ponies are trying to scare their opposition.

Step 4: Artillery

Unicorns are walking artillery in this story. Why don't they engage at a longer range?

BATTLE TIP 5: Battles can start long before opponents are within visual range. If the opposition knows the location of your encampments, it is very likely they will start shelling when they're in range. There's a reason that from 1850-1950, it is estimated that artillery cause upwards of 50% of the total casualties.
Artillery is a whole other subject altogether. Basically, determine whether indirect-fire technology/tactics have been discovered yet, and base your tactics around that. If it hasn't, then go ahead and group them on the battlefield. If it has, the war has gotten a whole lot more fun.

Overall, I feel you're missing a lot of fun by skipping out on these battles. There's some really amazing capabilities in the magic and technology these ponies have. The super-fast bearings are essentially guns. The megablasts are artillery. Have fun with it! Make the armies develop crazy technology to counteract the advantages their foes have.

I'd recommend wither fixing the battle scene to make more sense, or do something much more interesting: as the war goes on, make the combat more sophisticated. Basically, go through the entire history of warfare as these ponies try to outmaneuver each other. That would be amazing.

Further Reading: The Let's Play of Shogun 2 by Josh Viel actually demonstrates a lot of what I'm saying here. It can be found at: (http://www.shamusyoung.com/twentysidedtale/?p=12869)

Keep Writing.
>> No. 93591
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>I am looking to see if I have any talent at all as a writer. ;)
You assembled words in a manner that told a story that I could discern and picture. "Yes," though you're not perfect. But, you're here, asking for reviews, so that can only mean you're willing to improve.

>if the story makes sense and can be followed
Sure, though I had some hangups.

>and if it's "pony enough."
It's about ponies facing evil, magical beasts. Just like the show.

The grammar and presentation on this is mostly good. You got a little bit rushed in some of the scenes that required dialogue, but for the most part, it was easy to follow.


The two biggest problems I had with this story were how it's obviously Luna narrating the story, and she's doing it in the Royal Canterlot Voice. It's grating after a few hundred words, and especially when Luna's talking about what she's doing in a group, the "plural first person" gets confusing.

I like the approach that this is Luna telling Twilight a bedtime story*, but I think it would work better if, in the Luna/Twilight scene, Luna starts speaking, then you line break, and then the story's narrated "normally" in the third person. Then, it'd have a "Princess Bride" type feel to it, at the very least.

*Uh, what exactly is the context on this, by the way?

But from what I read, I don't mind what the story is, my biggest complaint is how it's presented.
>> No. 93599
File 133299429144.jpg - (45.67KB , 380x425 , Sleeping Face.jpg )
Comments on mechanics and other such things are indoc. I'm rather sleepy at the moment so I'll make this brief.

Concerning the issues you listed, of word omissions, sentence lengthiness, and word choice, I did my best to point them out in my comments. However, I'd like to bring up your rampant abuse of colons, semicolons and commas throughout the story. Most of the semicolons can be replaced with periods, and as for the colons and commas you can read up more on those in the comments.

Then there is the matter of the overall story and characters. You often bluntly give details of the character, and don't really make time to fully develop them, leading to moments of confusion when they do or say something seemingly for the heck of it. Frederic is uninteresting, and pretty much just takes up space and blends in to the background. The other OCs don't grab my interest either, mainly because you don't bother explaining who they are and why we should care about them. Lack of depth is what I'm saying.

The story itself is predictable, offering nothing new or exciting to the romance formula. It's further marred by odd phrasing and the aforementioned sentence length issues, as well as an overall "telly" nature that makes things dry.

In all, I can describe this story in one word: Bland. Bland characters, bland progression, bland execution. The story as it is doesn't stand out in the slightest, and just comes off as written with the most minimal effort. I could say something demeaning using the title of your story, but I'm too bored. You can probably make this more interesting, granted that you put in some depth in the characters, actually create atmosphere, and make it look like you made some effort in making this story stand out from other, better shipfics.

It's not terrible so to speak, just dull. Consider taking a different, more engaging approach. Anyway, I'm gonna sleep this boredom off. Best of luck to you, and good night.
>> No. 93610
Thanks for the review! I'll keep your advice in mind.
>> No. 93611

Demetrius, Pascoite has finished up his awesome helping, so hopefully my fic will be easier for you to finish your review.

There is still a couple of his comments up for various reasons, but all have been addressed.

Thank you again for your help.
>> No. 93612
>>91096 >>93083
Initial diagnosis:
You have spastic colon syndrome. It is spraying its effluent all over your fic. I counted 17 of them in the prologue alone, and 16 more in chapter 1. A normal fic might have 0-4 colons in that word count. It is incredibly distracting and alienates the reader.

In other news:
Mostly I'll be pointing out mechanics and detailed phrasing/word choice issues since there isn't much plot or character development yet.

Your use of "mine/my" in inconsistent, and the use of "mine" at all strives for a more antiquated speech pattern that is not reinforced by other archaic usage or vocabulary. It feels more like a conscious choice to be odd than part of a characterization.

There is too much word repetition. Doing so has its place, but I can't tell if it was a conscious choice for emphasis. In any case, it's not having that effect.

There are many instances of inexplicably capitalized words.

Lack of commas after introductory phrases.

You've got some jumbled tenses, and it's very jarring. Here's an example from near the end of the prologue:
It's direction seemed to the right, along the wall of different pasts that spread themselves out in an orderly design. Should I trust it, my friend? That voice seems familiar, yet I have never heard its welcoming chords.
So, the direction "seemed" (past), but then the speaker asks if he can trust it (present). He hasn't made his decision by that statement, so the "seeming" is still going on. Indeed, "the voice seems familiar." The paragraph continues on in present tense, but then the next one begins, "I dove..." So the concluding action happened in the past, even though the decision regarding it occurs in the present?

There are a lot of instances in which the narrator bluntly gives hie emotional state rather than describing it. It can be tricky to avoid telling with a first-person narrator because it's awkward for him to describe his own facial expression, for instance, if he even knows what it is, and he would know his own emotions, and so could feasibly state them without deduction.

Description of the environment varies from good (prologue) to mediocre (Doc's house) to nonexistent (desert and childhood home). Give me more so I can picture the scene in my head.

There really isn't much here so far. I wonder if I'm supposed to be sympathetic toward your protagonist, though. Because I don't like him. I don't really hate him either. Which just leaves me not too concernced with what happens to him. We get a brief look at what molded him, but it is a bit rushed, as compared to some of the internal tangents that seem to occupy much of his time.

Very little happened, considering the word count. I got a lot more philosophy than events. It's interesting enough toward the end of chapter 1. The prologue feels somewhat disjointed, and considering its length, would probably work better as a chapter later on. In general, prologues are discouraged.

The details:
First sentence already.
>The Spark of an Idea.
Why is "Idea" capitalized? If you have a reason, then fine, but you didn't do it through the rest of the paragraph.

>These ripples carry the inspirations of the idea to unknown locations; to far off places, both exotic and familiar.
Inappropriate semicolon use. Except where used as a separator in a superlist, semicolons separate independent clauses; what's on either side of it should be able to stand as an independent sentence. What you have here is a fragment. Use a comma.

>Those ripples take with them the hopes and fears that new ideas bring to us.
The repetition of "ripples" does carry an effect, but it died a quick death with your inconsistency of "these/those." If you're going to repeat intentionally, don't half-ass it.

>They cause even more droplets to fall into the water, creating a mess of movement that clashes with each other.
"Mess" is a fairly crude word that's killing the modd you're trying to create. "Each other" implies multiple things, but it's referring to a singular: "movement."

>Chaos ensues, and the water becomes unclear: you cannot see the bottom anymore as the dirt has been stirred up, clouding your view.
I disagree with the colon usage here. It's a bit of a stretch as an appositive, which is a bit off-putting anyway. I'd suggest a semicolon or em dash.

>Soon you become obsessed with returning the water to perfect stillness, to 'fix it' with your own power.
Single quotes are for quote-within-quote instances. Use doubles here.

>Yet you cannot: it continues to spiral out of control.
Again, not a fan of this type of colon.

>It begin to change you; to control you.
"begins." Incorrect semicolon use again. Use a comma.

>Do not worry, dear friend, for I do not fear Hell anymore, for I have gone there and have come back, scarred with invisible wounds that only I can see.
Don't stack up multiple phrases with the same beginning word. You've got two "for" phrases, and it hurts the sentence's flow.

>For you are free in Death, but I am imprisoned in life.
Why do you capitalize "Death," but not "life?" Be consistent.

>Oh! if you could see it now, your astonishment would never cease!
I can't tell which you meant to do here, but change the first exclamation mark to a comma, or capitalize "if."

>However, with my possession of this great power, my memory is as faulty as an unbalanced weight.
Simile fail. An unbalanced weight isn't necessarily faulty. It depends on what its intended function is.

>Everyday, I awake to be greeted by the same infinite loneliness I had come to accept.
"Every day." "Everyday" means typical and is an adjective, which would describe "I," as you have worded it. Since the speaker's mood appears unresolved, I assume the "infinite loneliness" is still occurring. If so, you need present perfect tense: "have come to accept."

>The dark prison walls that surround me are only displaced by a spiral staircase which clung mightily to them.
Another tense problem. "Clung" (past) is inconsistent with the rest of the sentence.

>My once powerful wings were chained like discarded rubbish to those prison walls.

>Every single day of my inexhaustible existence, waking up in this same depressing place, drove me ever so closer to that fine line sanity that I had once before crossed, but with a new madness.
Missing an "of" before "sanity." You need an adverb to indicate the time frame of your final phrase, so I know whether it applies to the current driving or the previous line-crossing.

>In stepped a body shrouded in the darkness of the room: it has been many years in this dark prison and yet mine eyes have forsaken it, as I have always been unable to see clearly.
So the dark room has darkness? youdontsay.jpg
I have no idea what you think this colon is doing. The two parts of the sentence aren't even related. Mine eyes have forsaken what? I have no idea what your antecedent is.

>Fire: it has long since been that I have seen such beautiful embers!
Well, now there's a clunky sentence. I tripped over it several times, which is extraordinary, considering its relative shortness.

>In mere moments, the fire had ignited gasoline-filled troughs that followed the wall in a spiral, filling the room with an abundance of light.
I do hope you'll explain how Equestria has gasoline.

>I stomped one chained hoof into the ground with a certain degree of assertion, yet it did not for a single moment not require a large amount of force, for the chains which had bound my feet were themselves a great many pounds.
"it did not... not require" Nope.

>The wraith had been standing in front of me for some time now, and I had not noticed until I assumed spiritual form.
"wraith" Don't reuse a fancy word for a LONG time. It'll stick out like a sore thumb.

>Even if mine horn was not broken, it would take many a millennium to free myself!
Use "were" in place of "was" where subjunctive tense is needed: hypothetical, possible, hopeful, wishful statements.

>Her soft words pierced my cold mind with the force of a might weapon, yet their truth revealed itself to be very clear: Forgiveness.
"mighty" This isn't one of the colon usages that allows for capitalization afterward.

>Has the world forgiven my despicable actions and has prepared for my return with the happiness I have seen in the world above?
Repetitive use of "world."

>you're freedom is only won after you are able to answer these few simple questions.
>you're freedom is only won
>you're freedom

>Her sudden stern tone had received my full attention.

>Was there no hidden catch.
It's a question. Use a question mark.

>“What you're saying is that my freedom from this awful, degrading prison, is granted by answering questions?”
The second comma is unnecessary.

>Ever time that it had happened I had become ever more curious as to why.
Every. Why are you switching to a past perfect tense? Lose the "had's."

>In a lively “Yep!”, she began to giggle, but then cleared her throat.
With, not in. Lose the first comma. It's implied for tagging out of a quotation when other punctuation is needed, so the exclamation mark carries that function as well.

>The idea, what is a name?
A colon would actually be appropriate here, but I shudder to grant you leeway to add even more of the little bastarads.

>Maybe the answer I seek was in my past.
The tense shift hurts my brain.

>I had to clear up the fog, somehow.
Repetitive use of "fog."

>A Name is a deal of association.
Do you mean "deal" as in "agreement?" Nothing else in the paragraph implies such, and the word choice would be awful otherwise.

>I do not deserve something to be called by.
Dangling preposition. It has been violently dislodged from its object.

>But a rare opportunity such as this one: a chance at freedom, will not, I presume, stay forever.
First comma is unnecessary.

>For it's sake I shall try, dear friend!
>For it's sake
By all that is holy, will someone please learn this rule!
It's means "it is" or "it has." Its means "belonging to it."
It's means "it is" or "it has." Its means "belonging to it."
It's means "it is" or "it has." Its means "belonging to it."
It's means "it is" or "it has." Its means "belonging to it."
It's means "it is" or "it has." Its means "belonging to it."

>But before I could enter my own subconscious, the hooded mare looked at me, and with the oddest accent that I could have ever heard before, she said: “Once you're inside your memories, we will accompany you.”
Just use a comma to transition into the quote. It will induce less rage.

>Upon reentering my body the dark prison walls that housed my immovable form fell away into nothingness as I went deeper into the water of my memory.
Set off introductory phrases with a comma. ("Upon reentering my body, ...")

>Their familiarity startled me.
Repetitive use of "familiar."

>But, what did I experience, what did I know?
It's quite rare for a comma following a conjunction to be used correctly. This is not one of those instances.

>I came to an abrupt stop, for fear of the monster that was forced away would surface in the chaotic water of my mind.
"for fear that," not "of," to fit the syntax of the rest of the sentence.

>Again the shade's voice
Sentence fragment with no end punctuation. If you're trying to include the next sentence as part of this one... No. You can't break a sentence across paragraphs.

>Fear penetrated my rational thought, for the laughter grew louder and as it did it became even more menacing and vile.
Needs a comma after "as it did."

>It's direction seemed to the right, along the wall of different pasts that spread themselves out in an orderly design.
>It's direction seemed to the right
>It's direction
Must... contain... rage...

>The laughter ever-closer, demented and forlorn, began to lash out at me.
Unnecessary hyphen

On to Chapter 1!

>Betrayal: through which is known, only to the lowest of my fellow creatures, a petty yet significant fault.
I have no idea what this sentence means.

>And we do just that, we learn more.
Comma splice. What's on either side of it could stand as an independent sentence, so a comma is a inappropriate. There are a number of ways to fix it. Use a dash, semicolon, split into two sentences, change one of the clauses to a participle phrase, or insert a conjunction.

>Yet the more we learn and the more we know, the more we begin to turn inwards with our own selves.
"with?" I'd suggest "to" or "toward."

>Our attitudes to ourselves and others begin to change drastically.
You have an attitude toward something, not to it.

>Our anger become rage as we lash out at others for trivial things.

>To think that we would teach our foals about the false preaching of Power's welcome.
Why is "Power" capitalized?

>I was born with this power, an oddity amongst the ponies of the Earthly brand.
Only capitalize "Earth" if you literally mean our planet.

>They were the eyes of demons, evil eyes which had slits like a dragon's and were stained blood red.

>Others feared me and my power; soon so did I.
Introductory words or phrases need to be set off with commas. Place one after "soon."

>But I could not control it's anger, it's hatred.
Do not incur my wrath lightly.

>The Daemon had total domination over me, it's rage consumed me.
Seriously, they still cover this in school, don't they?

>I was born to a lowly family, our worth measured little compared to the highborn of Sanctuary.
Awkward phrasing in the second part makes this feel like a comma splice.

>My father was a simple unicorn blacksmith aptly named Iron Hammer and my mother was dubbed Moon Shine by her maiden name, as is with Earth pony tradition.
"aptly named Iron Hammer" is a participle phrase that needs to be set off by commas. Lower-case "earth."

>It could be safe to say that I was not their only child, being the brother of two sisters.
Yes, it could, couldn't it. Obvious statement is obvious.

>Yet, I was the lowest of them all, in fact treated like dirt compared to my siblings, whom I so dearly loved.
First comma is unnecessary.

>And it seemed to only apply to me, for my eyes even made me a beast to my family.
Split infinitive. Never separate "to" from its verb.

>y father had countlessly said that after I had come along my mother had become such a wretch, yet he did not partake in their vile taunts.
Another introductory phrase needs a comma, after "along."

>He remained kind and sincere to me, guarding me like soldier would to a fallen comrade.
"like a soldier would a fallen comrade."

>When I was ridiculed by my peers, he counseled me; when I was taunted by the Daemon, he put my fears to rest; when I was harassed by the guards, he protected me.
Unless they're part of a superlist, don't use multiple semicolons in a sentence.

>I tried many a time to convince, not only myself, but also my family that twas an accident.
First comma is unnecessary.

>I had left that Summer's morn, with no clear goals and no sense of home.
Why is "Summer" capitalized?

>For many weeks afterwards I wandered throughout Sanctuary, enduring hardships that even the poor and decrepit did not face.
Yet another introductory phrase. Commas after "afterwards."

>I only saw one way out of the Hell that was forged for me, so I left Sanctuary, for past its great stone walls lied a world that I thought would find to accept me.
Not "lied," "lay." "I thought would find to accept me." Huh?

>It seemed as if the entire landscape was created from a child's storybook.
Subjunctive tense again. "were"

>For many nights after leaving that evil city I had slept peacefully: the voice of the Daemon seemed to leave my head for now, but I had no clue as to how long.
Comma after "city."

>As such I stuck to the main path that was cut through it, for his fear became mine.
Comma after "such."

>My black mane was soaked with sweat and my hooves burned with each step.
Um... hooves aren't particularly sensitive to heat, unless you want to single out the "frog" part in the center, near the back.

>At long last, after many months of traversing the land the vast kingdom of Terrial, I had finally arrived at my new home.
Comma after "land."

>Quickly I gathered my wits and galloped towards Haven, tears welling in my eyes as it seemed that my happiness was achieved.
Comma after "quickly." It's be more plausible to say "was about to be achieved." He needs more than just the city to be happy, but that's all he's seen yet.

>The room I awoke in...
Dangling preposition

>Tinkering with some unknown device of which I could not see.
Delete "of."

>Slowly I lifted myself off of the makeshift bed that I had been resting upon for an unknown length of time.
Introductory word and dangling preposition.

>...so as to not disturb the working stallion...
Split infinitive

>“Don't bother leaving: this place is far enough away from town that in you condition could cost you your life.”
"your condition" What could cost you your life? The sentence is incomplete.

>Childishly I laughed at the name,
Introductory word.

>“Excuse me, Doc, but what is this.”
He's asking a question.

>Doc came over to me and put his hoof unto my shoulder, guiding me in the opposite direction.
I hope you meant "onto," or you'll earn some well-deserved rage.

>What IS important is getting those eyes of yours fixed.
Convey emphasis through italics, not caps lock.

>as it was blocked from my view due to the fire-pit.
Participle phrase needs to be set off with a comma.

>Doc began to lower the device down unto my back, asking me to hold still as he placed braces and restraints on my hooves, neck, and tail.
Okay, now I think the "unto" is deliberate. Stop it.

>I began to worry extraneously, the Daemon's voice growing louder by the second.
Okay, I don't get your word choice at all. How is his worrying "extraneous?" It seems rather central to the narrative.

>What was this procedure he was rambling about.
It's a question. Make it one.

>By the excited look on his old face, I could tell it was highly important for him.
Usually, things are important "to" someone, not "for" him.

>I have to plant them onto you spinal chord.
spinal cord

>Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit.
Comma splice.

>Soon I could feel that my mind was being tugged on
Dangling preposition. The preposition isn't even necessary, or you could just choose a different verb that doesn't need one.

>but with each gem placed into my back
Introductory phrase needs comma.

Final thoughts:
The writing is fairly well done, and I'm not finding a lot of the simpler grammatical errors that typically drive me nuts. EXCEPT FOR THE IT'S/ITS LAPSES! Almost 5k words in, and not much has happened. I feel like I'm skimping on character and storyline, but there honestly wasn't much there yet, filled with lots of descriptive padding. You're relying on hooking the reader with mysterious atmosphere (not bad) and character, which as I've already said, didn't inspire any particularly strong feelings in me either way.

Keep writing and have fun with it.
>> No. 93614
File 133299724508.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
I'm all over it


For the most part, your grammar seems to be better than what the prereader rejected you for.

I've got three major critiques of this piece after that, though:

First, you tell a lot of emotions instead of showing. Now, you demonstrate emotions a fair amount, but that just acts as a foil against the amateurish "she was sad." For a piece such as this, you have to be subtle with emotions. Then again, you don't come off as hammy or forced, but still: telling is a problem.

Applejack mentions how "she's all alone," but at the same time, she's surrounded by friends and family. That's... not quite "alone," not by any measure of the word.

Secondly, the pacing on this story is out of wack. Big McIntosh calls a therapist after Applejack has ONE bad day, where she forced herself to work when it probably wasn't the best idea. But still, that's only two days after the funeral; I mean, she's allowed some time for grieving before the need of professional help is needed. I really think that more time would help to both show that Applejack is depressed preventative psychotherapy is an "iffy" idea at best, and it would help give legitimacy to the claim that "Applejack needs help."

But after he sets her up with therapeutic meetings with Pinkie Pie, Applejack starts to go around the city and talk to some friends... basically, an appropriate measure for coping with grief. It's almost like you got everything back-asswards in this, where she had a crisis, got signed up for therapy, and then started to cope with the grief BEFORE the therapy started.

Finally, your "twist" at the end of the second chapter, where Pinkie Pie has repressed all knowledge of the therapy and depression... that's extremely unstable. If this were real life, this instability would probably be subject to closer monitoring, but she definitely wouldn't be a candidate for a "mentor" role in some sort of "pair therapy." The amount of potential damage that could cause is startling, and really... "Pinkie Pie" sounds like a terrible grief counselor in the first place.

"Well, my grandma just died."


At any rate, if you address those three points, this story should feel a bit more natural. Realism is something you should be striving for if you're hoping to induce any emotions in your audience.
>> No. 93621
Thanks for the review!

As I read through it, I did notice that many of the errors you pointed out were most likely typos on my part, and I feel somewhat guilty for wasting time like that. I do admit, though, that some of your comments did make me chuckle a little. I found it quite odd that I had missed such simple things even though the entire Prologue was rewritten over a dozen times.

But, all in all, thanks!
>> No. 93623
If the last comment I made comes off rude, don't let it. As I am rewriting my story from scratch, I am using the feedback I get from this one in order to improve on it. I take your review to pen and paper and I'll, saying it once again, use it to better my next endeavor.
>> No. 93631
Thanks for the review. I'll fix all you have suggested.
>> No. 93635
File 133300181234.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
>I would like an EquestriaDaily.com level review, if possible.
Dear author,

This work has undergone an appropriate amount of changes since the last rejection from Equestria Daily. I am giving this my recommendation that this be posted to the blog.

Signed, Prereader SR 388

You addressed all of Prereader #6EQUJ5's issues, so yes, this will probably get posted.


Now, on to the review proper; I really didn't find that much about this I didn't like. You had a punctuation mark outside of quotation marks near the end, but that's the only grammar issue I noticed. But then again, I don't read for grammar; I only comment on it if it's a barrier to my ability to understand the story.

When reading the plot, there were three things that could've been made clearer:

-The difference between the obese Commander and the Commander of the Empire (if they're a different person at all)
-The difference between the obese Commander and his replacement (if he even got replaced)
-The dragon's changing size.

Other than that, the only thing I would focus on is to perhaps dwell on Pansy's generosity a bit more at the end. It was a very poignant moment to Commander Hurricane, but I don't feel that enough weight was given to it in the writing. Nor was the extent or weight of Pansy's and Hurricane's relationship, now that I think about it.

Still, this was mostly good, and I enjoyed it.
>> No. 93638
File 133300259522.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
>>92020 Waiting on author's confirmation that he wants a review.
>> No. 93651

We've already engaged quite a bit over the comments, but I really enjoyed this. Eclipse Phase is a very strange, high-concept science fiction and you've done a good job of introducing it to the reader. I would caution that the idea of resleeving and backups should be hammered hard rather than letting it sit in the margins with things like RD's lifesaving (arguably) operation.

Your writing style carries the fic successfully and I only had minor proofreading things to correct. You had your nice moments, though those I would mostly attribute to clever twists rather than actual finesse with your prose. I'm not in a position to try to teach you to be better, so I will just say that I have faith that you can do well if you keep working at it.

Your characterization isn't bad, though you should consider my advice about not hammering it on so hard. It works with Pinkie and a little bit with AJ, but Rarity only needs to fix Twi's hair once, Fluttershy doesn't need the other characters to pointedly acknowledge her gentle nature, etc.

Your ponification of the crossover material has its great aspects and its meh ones. I especially like the brief mention of Nightmares stealing souls by piercing skulls with their horns. I won't give too much advice here because you seem to be plenty willing to ponify liberally. A bad crossover preserves too much of the crossover material; a good one turns the whole thing pony.

There were a lot of places where I had to point out, "this concept won't come through." Be ultra-cautious about important ones, and don't be shy about completely cutting unimportant ones. Leaving a concept floating unexplained isn't good.

Good work here, and stay in touch.
>> No. 93654
File 133300618972.png - (8.45KB , 109x120 , Lyra-huh2.png )

Right. So I did a line-by-line (mostly) for your first chapter.

The rest of this review will concern the rest of your story as I read through. Technically, I think you're quite competent mechanically, save for a few instances of LUS and abusing hyphens for em dashes. Caveat: I'm not a grammar nazi and I'd recommend having an editor proof read this again for any grammatical errors which I may have missed.

Anyway, your story idea is not a new one, using PTSD to explain Fluttershy's current personality and her breakdown in the Gala. (Pony Psychology did it way ahead of you, unfortunately.) Your premise of Fluttershy (hereby now known as PTSDshy) is actually quite novel and I had looked forward to see what was it about.

Here we go.

Your first chapter consists of you retelling the events after the gala. While not wrong, it makes for a rather boring read since it effectively retells what the reader already knows. Then there's your not-so-subtle attempt throughout the chapter to hammer in on the reader that SOMETHING IS WRONG, LOOK LOOK! It gets really annoying by the end of the chapter. Please, if you want to foreshadow something, do it subtly. Also, your first and second paragraph? Get rid of it. It is pretentious BS of the highest order which I have no interest in reading. A fic should convey its deeper themes through its story, not through some meaningless musings at the start.

You also seem to be lacking in even in the most basic of descriptions of your surroundings at times. For example, the journey to the griffon lands was summarised as thus:
>It was a long flight, one that was practically a mission in and of itself. The sky seemed to darken as they got closer to the border; by the time they crossed, it had lost all traces of blue, instead taking on a red, ashen appearance.

The Aviary is described in one sentence.
>The group followed the griffon into a descent, spiraling down over a camp set up on the side of a mountain, on a small plateau.

Wut. We need more descriptions to go on if you want your story to live. Right now it feels like they're walking and talking in a gray canvas that is named "The Aviary". Show more us more of the scenery. How does it look like? What does it feel?

I'd say your character interactions are quite well done, especially the little bit between Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. Unfortunately, it was somewhat marred by the simplistic and telling style of prose you use. You often use "X <action> <object>" repeatedly, as well as just telling us what they're doing, instead of showing. Taking an example.
>From the bunk across from her, she heard shivers and whimpers, as well as a small squeak with every explosion. Rainbow listened to this for a few minutes, before getting up, out of bed. She leaned her head against her bunk and pushed, walking forward until she heard it hit the next one over.
Could be rewritten as:
>Rainbow Dash could hear whimpers and squeaks with every explosion. She tried to pass it off as a normal reaction of her shy friend, covering her ears with a pillow. Unfortunately, the squeaks grew with every passing moment. Finally, she pushed her off her blanket and silently got off the bed. With a grunt, she slid her bunk slowly towards Fluttershy's, taking care not to wake the other sleepers.

Not only I tried to vary my sentence structure, I also added a fair bit of description (and show) to it, which you ofttime lacks.

You also have some terrible huge paragraphs that really need breaking up.
>The uniformed pegasus swerved immediately to avoid them, [...]
>The two saluted, before walking off to their respective jobs. [...]
and so on.

Despite the pre-readers words and your corrections, I still can see your
>WORDS (Wall of text)
>WORDS (Wall of text)
tendencies. Break them up with action and what not. I find it hard to believe Rainbow won't at least taunt her opponent or even say something when she's faced with the griffons. Wall of texts are the fastest way to put a reader to sleep. And painful to read.

On to the main body of your story. It seems like you're intent on Rainbow for holding an idiot ball. I'm not quite sure as to what possessed you to make Rainbow think that dragging Fluttershy into a warzone was even a good idea to begin with. At least she admitted it was a supremely bad idea. But still... this kind of idiot ball just kind of stuck out to me. The fact that Fluttershy just said "okay" and went with the idea flew in my face as well. This is the same pegasus who had to be dragged to a mountain top to face a dragon. I'm pretty sure "okay" is not something she would say.

Okay, never mind about that. After that, you have Rainbow experiencing the horrors of war, Fluttershy being scared (duh?) and some rather d'aww moment between the two. Of course, THEN Rainbow had to be the one to bull-headed and suffer an accident.

The change in perspective in Chapter 3 was quite jarring though. (And why the hell did you stuff the last part of Chapter 2 there? It makes no sense. Put it back to where it belongs. There's no word limits in a chapter.) Also, why would Fluttershy accuse Dash of breaking her promise and then turn around and started to tell all for no reason? I mean, it's a little out of the left field. It felt very rushed, if nothing else. You could have an entire chapter here devoted to how Fluttershy would react to Rainbow's revelation and her friends' new view of her.

The ending was similarly disappointing, suddenly switching to Fluttershy accepting her PTSD after only a few days. Uh. Yay? I don't know. I feel the story ultimately fails to deliver. All that backstory feels like it led to nothing, and only serves to reveal her history, which isn't very interesting in its own right, save to highlight FS was probably a big goddamn hero. I feel your story would be better if you concentrated on how the mane six reacted to her PTSD story instead wrapping it up in nice neat bow at the end of it. In fact, I think this should have been your main focus of your fic, with the mane six trying various ways to help their friend.

I think you're probably trying for a war veteran kind of thing, but... really, I don't think ponies would just "get" over it with a few hugs and parties. Just... no. I don't think PTSD works that way.

Eh, I'm probably rambling at this stage. Despite what I said above, I feel this is decently written and has a fair shot at EqD as it is, if you clean up your mechanical errors and showed a little more. I think it just lacks that something to make it actually stand out.

Keep writing.
>> No. 93656
File 133300637721.jpg - (78.54KB , 600x600 , 48456 - Lyra SHOO_BE_DOO artist-john_joseco sea_pony seapony shoo-be-doo.jpg )
Right, taking this then.
>> No. 93664
File 133300743204.doc - (80.50KB , Shadows of Equestria (Pyrite Edit).doc )
Done, with suggested corrections and comments in the doc.

Overall feelings: The main story holds together pretty well, and I like the characters who've been properly introduced. Some aspects of the setting seem more true to the material you're using than others, but overall you've captured the general mood of it.

There were some technical errors, but they weren't too often repeated and so were probably oversights, I've done what I can for those.

The prologue needs the most serious work. It's your hook, your reader's first impression to the story, and the part that will be read to determine whether the rest of it is something worth one's time. As is, it's a mess technically, the narration is too terse and the detail too sparing.

So far I like Daybreak, I like Ironwood, and I think Chaser could grow on me, but I'm not sure about the perky cybernetic pegasus being introduced in the latest chapter. Whether I'll come around to her or whether she'll come to annoy me remains to be seen.

The parallels between the characters so far introduced and the main six from the show are interesting, but you should be careful not to go too far with them.

I think this story is going in an interesting direction. I want to see what happens to Daybreak when her worldview collides with the shadowy underbelly. I want to see Ironwood hold to her boundaries until it almost kills her, and then finally start letting ponies in. I want to find out who is narrating the between-chapter bits. Keep to your plan and give these characters the depth they deserve, and you won't go wrong.
>> No. 93668
File 133300817896.jpg - (14.27KB , 50x50 , Gundam-Eye 5050.jpg )
I've tried, believe me I've tried.

After the reply I got from the pre-readers I was feeling at least good about my story so far, just mechanical errors that could be fixed with a little help. It's a refreshing splash of water to the face to see what a real reviewer thinks of my story.

Suffice to say I should have expected this, I guess the pre-readers were just trying to be nice, maybe I caught them on a good day. Regardless I now know just how little impact this story has, I was trying to do somethign short, sweet, and simple, I guess I a managed was simple and short. It was my first try at a shopfic and inspired by an image and a story that I knew was light-years better that what I was capable of writing, but I tried my luck to see how it turned out.

I let the praise go to my head and I've become no better than the bland pandering people who are responsible for the EA sports games and the latest dull grey/brown shooters I see churned into the lock-ups every day at work.

Thanks for pointing this out before I got too full of myself to listen to anypony.

No I'm not being sarcastic, I can't really do sarcasm all that well, in speech or written words.
>> No. 93670
File 133300829036.jpg - (14.27KB , 50x50 , Gundam-Eye 5050.jpg )
Great, looking back at my reply I can see a whole bunch of spelling and grammar errors, lord I suck at typing...
>> No. 93675

Responses to things!

First off, yes, FiM-canon is this universe's Earthdawn.

Much of the narration in the prologue is intentionally clipped, making it as if the narration is happening in Chaser's head. "Guards were mad about her team's little visit" and "Ugh: Four, all armed" are not quite first person, but they are meant to be rather intimate with Chaser's point of view. It's strange that this came off as the voice of a narrator that isn't Chaser. Well, if it didn't work, it didn't work, and I'll make the narration voice in the prologue proper and grammatical.

One other person has looked at the prologue and they also said that it wasn't clear that "dickhead" was a racial epithet for unicorns. Which is too bad because I really am proud of myself for thinking of that! I don't have a good one for earth ponies so I stole a page from Racist Rarity's book. Pegasi are 'cloudfuckers.'

Good call with no making Chaser's method of making her own exit immediately known.

The city-on-a-plate model was inspired by way Canterlot is pictured in show-canon. It's a bunch of castles perched precariously on the side of a really steep mountain. Also, I later realized that I had basically written a pony version of New Hengsha from Human Revolution.

I'm torn over what design to go with as far as aerial vehicles. My thought is that carts pulled by pegasi are in use, and I don't know whether a fossil fuel solution would be more or less commonly seen. They certainly are less efficient. There's also the issue of pegasus-drawn wagons having easily identifiable drivers.

I let a few reviewers at a very early version of Daybreak's chapter, and it resulted in me slicing multiple pages' worth of dry exposition. Neither you nor the last reviewer said a word about infodumping so I figure I've cleaned that up nicely.

So that's why the sparse description in the intro. I wanted the action happen without taking any kind of rest. I understand what you mean about it having to set the scene, though-- Perhaps a few more lines about the grungy under-city and maybe the plate visible above and other nearby buildings, a sentence or two about the hallway and the guards, maybe something to imply what it took to grab the package.

The last reviewer didn't like my Assensing bit. Welp, different strokes.

My worry currently is that there's still no hint as to why Ironwood is on the list of exceptional individuals.

I enjoy the fact that Prism, whose name is about to be changed to Spectra because it sounds cooler, irritates you already.

Daybreak's plush life are to give the world its near-future feel while staying hands off on the grimdark for now. Even now that we're getting to the grit and violence of the lower city (Undercity? Downtown? haven't decided) I plan on only bringing in dark themes where it's really going to make an impact.

Thanks for your good work. May I submit the prologue and the next chapter to you when they're ready?
>> No. 93676
File 133301151529.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )

The grammar on this was pretty good. Remember that commas go inside quotes, including single-quotes that are inside dialogue.

Insofar as the writing... I don't see what that prereader said about "scenes." You gave an ample amount of scenery near the start of every scene (Scootaloo's house might've been a bit rushed, but her room was easy to imagine), and I also didn't quite get a "telling" vibe from your writing.

Probably the weakest parts of your story, in my opinion, were the excerpts from the racing book. First, they don't sound "professional," and secondly, while they're interesting flavor, I don't quite see them as "relevant to the plot." I'd recommend toning their role down; a summary would be sufficient evidence of Applebloom reading them.

You also didn't quite hit on the subject of Applebloom's fanaticism being at odds with her species. Meaning, she's a fan of "pegasus races," but she's an earth pony. Surely that would come up to someone who's first real episode came with the line, "It ain't fair!" in regards to her cutie mark.

On the other hand, you did an excellent job pointing out that, yeah, the CMC are obsessed with their butts, and I really, truly enjoyed both Applebloom's realization of this and the camaraderie that was shown when they said, "We don't care if you race, we'll be there in the stands for you!" (though you should make that point a tad clearer).

All in all, good show, go through this one more time and look for "telling" and make sure you set the scene efficiently.
>> No. 93677

First off, thanks again for your time and attention.

>The grammar and presentation on this is mostly good. You got a little bit rushed in some of the scenes that required dialogue, but for the most part, it was easy to follow.

Pacing is definitely one of my bugaboos. I'm still afraid that the locusts will come, eat all my time and interest, and I'm just going to stop writing. And I don't want to stop writing, because I want to know how my own stories end!


And of course there's a big difference between mostly good and all good.

>The two biggest problems I had with this story were how it's obviously Luna narrating the story, and she's doing it in the Royal Canterlot Voice. It's grating after a few hundred words, and especially when Luna's talking about what she's doing in a group, the "plural first person" gets confusing.

I did worry about that, but my other fear was that Luna would come off as just, "generic spell-casting pony" and not be Luna per se Luna. And I made it through Anthem so I thought I'd try it.

>I like the approach that this is Luna telling Twilight a bedtime story*, but I think it would work better if, in the Luna/Twilight scene, Luna starts speaking, then you line break, and then the story's narrated "normally" in the third person. Then, it'd have a "Princess Bride" type feel to it, at the very least.

Funny, I didn't think of the reference at the time, though I did like the structure, and in TPB (the movie), it was the kid who led most of the dialogue. But those were interruptions in the story, and of course that story didn't include the narrator. But I'm going to give it a try as a re-write, which will also solve the "others and Us" problem.

>*Uh, what exactly is the context on this, by the way?

Hehehe. . . the context is that this was originally a chapter in a larger story that's half-finished, but if you're really curious, is here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/10948/The-Disturbing-Dreams-of-Twilight-Sparkle

The tl;dr version is that Twilight's having nightmares of all her friends turning on her, she goes to Luna, she hears this story, and then understands. But it got split into two stories. Why?

Meretriciousness. (To save anypony the trip to the dictionary, it's a nice way of saying "because I'm a hors.")

There was a contest on FimFiction, and I thought I could adapt that chapter into an entry for it, since it nearly fit the story prompt. I could defend myself by saying that it was good training to write by a deadline and to a prompt, but the truth is that I wanted to win. I want to not just be a writer, but be known as a writer.

And that said, if I can ask a follow-up, can you give me any advice on how to "sell" a story like this? I had a devil of a time coming up with a title, and my capsule descriptions always read to me like cliche movie trailers (In a world. . . where ponies reign. . . can friendship. . . truly be magic?) Is there a way to better get people to read, or is sword-and-sorcery just not what the pony fandom is into?
>> No. 93679

One more thing. You've made some very good technical edits. A lot of this goes a long way towards improving weak sentences.
>> No. 93684
File 133301282269.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
>And I don't want to stop writing, because I want to know how my own stories end!
You should have a clearly-defined ending to your stories before you start writing. Otherwise, you run the risk of falling into aimless prose.

>I did worry about that, but my other fear was that Luna would come off as just, "generic spell-casting pony" and not be Luna per se Luna
Luna has been present in one episode, but even still, her character was flat enough where you can pretty much give her her own flavor. But there's definitely room for making this easier to read while giving Luna a distinct personality.

>Before she was corrupted by her own inner darkness. Before she sought vengeance and wrath against the very ponies who scorned her. Before she became a traitor to her country.

>She was their hero.

>This Spring, coming to a Fimfiction account near you, Luna is


In all seriousness, summaries are usually crappy and hammy-sounding. They don't have the emotional or prose background required to sell a huge scene, because they're meant to be read in under ten seconds. "Computer nerd finds that his reality is a lie and then gets superpowers" sounds kind of cheesy, but The Matrix made it work.

There's a reason that stories usually take several thousand words to reach a conclusion.

>Luna tells Twilight a story of when she led the fight against a devious, shape-shifting foe.

>Is there a way to better get people to read, or is sword-and-sorcery just not what the pony fandom is into?
Based on the amount of incest, gender-bending, torture, violence, epic adventures, psychological horrors, and crack-shipping that this fandom writes about, I'd say that there are fans of virtually everything that you can feasibly include in a pony fic. If you write the story that you want to write, care about the syntax, structure, and readability of your story, then your love for that story will show in how well-crafted it turns out.
>> No. 93700
Thanks for the review and tips. I'll get to work on it. :)
>> No. 93721

Thank you very much for the feedback. I'm very pleased that you would recommend it.

I have kept the punctuation mark outside of quotation marks because according to my style guide, this is acceptable unless the quotation is a complete sentence. However, I've followed all your other points and edited the text accordingly.

The Commander confusion I solved by having Hurricane giving him an informal (and deliberately disrespectful) moniker - the Fat Commander - to distinguish him from the role of Commander generally. I also added a brief paragraph explaining that the replacement Commander was simply an unremarkable "placeholder", as I didn't want to get bogged down with the political details. They weren't really the focus of the story.

I imagined the dragon to be about house-sized, and have changed a description of him accordingly. Instead of "giant", I put in "house-sized".

Your last point was the hardest to address, but I think I know what the problem is. Pansy doesn't seem to have much presence in the story, and her introduction was weak. I decided to address both points at once and expanded her intro to flesh out her character (and Hurricane's view of her). This also has the advantage of bringing her into focus so that readers already have experience of what kind of pony she is before the final scene.

Lastly, I'm glad you enjoyed it! That's what I want to hear. I've submitted my fic to Equestria Daily, and now I wait to see how it turns out. Thanks again for your valuable feedback!
>> No. 93728

Following on from this review, I've unpublished the three later chapters and made a few modifications to the first one. That one is complete, but before I begin making additions to the others, I want to know if what I have works. If I can spot mistakes now, it'll save me a lot of trouble later on.

Title: Forever Classic

Tags: [Slice of Life]

Synopsis: Diamond Tiara is getting to be too bratty even for Filthy Rich, so he takes his daughter to a Canterlot opera performance to show her the refined ways of the elite.

Length: Approximately 3900 words.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14919/1/Forever-Classic/

Chapter to Review: Chapter One

Comment/Request: I've tried to address Arcanus Brighthorn's points as best I can, and now I just need some indication that I'm on the right track.

The main aspect I want looked at is Filthy's characterization. Does he come across as sympathetic? Is he convincing both as a character and according to his canonical portrayal? Would you want to read on and find out more about him?

Secondly, I'd like to be told how Diamond Tiara's portrayal holds so far, and I want the same questions answered.

Thirdly, general pacing. I don't want the story to feel rushed, but neither do I want it to drag. If there are scenes which feel out of rhythm, I'd like them drawn to my attention.

Fourthly, I would like any gaffs in punctuation, grammar, spelling, and stylistics pointed out. This is a low priority request, but it's a good idea for me to nip recurring errors in the bud all the same.

I don't need a line-by-line, though I won't object if you can give one. I do, however, prefer to have specific examples brought to my attention. For instance, if Filthy seems unsympathetic during a certain scene, perhaps you could point out a line of dialogue from the scene which made you think "yeesh, what a douchebag", or something to that effect. It makes it easier for me to recognize this sort of pitfall and to look out for them in future edits.

Lastly, of course, I want to know if you enjoyed reading it.
>> No. 93730

Whew, you've been reviewing a lot of fics in such a short span of time! That's impressive.

OK, points all taken. The only one I'm not sure about is the one about my scenes with the class in the lecture hall. Without them, the time travel tea doesn't feel adequately explained, and the line about its effect on earth ponies is foreshadowing the later problems. I don't think it's a good idea to cut them out.

Thanks for the review, all the same. I'll unpublish the chapter and get to editing.
>> No. 93737
File 133304606104.jpg - (11.75KB , 191x257 , T9u6q.jpg )
Long time no thread update. Heh, time to make myself useful, however, I am keen to mess up. For those who spot mistakes, call me out.

Terran Ghost... *nod, slow clap*

>awaiting acknowledgement14
>in progress23


TheGreatandPowerful!Trixie | >>91884 | 3/19/2012 | | 2/28/2012 | The Fixers | Kyrie Illumina | >>87702
Simon o'Sullivan | >>91994 | 3/20/2012 | | 2/29/2012 | The Pony Scrolls: Nightfall | Storywrite | >>88009
Grif | >>92263 | 3/21/2012 | | 3/6/2012 | Word of Malice | Twisted Night | >>89179
Grif | >>93654 | 3/29/2012 | | 3/6/2012 | I Don't Hurt Anymore | Ciero989 | >>89390
Terran Ghost | >>93451 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/10/2012 | Javelin | McPoodle | >>88583
Terran Ghost | >>93456 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/10/2012 | Banishment Decree | Chuckfinley | 90080
Terran Ghost | >>93538 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/14/2012 | Regina et Equi Nox | NejinOniwa | >>90710
Terran Ghost | >>93458 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/14/2012 | bloodline | Jake The Army Colt | >>91995
Terran Ghost | >>93546 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/15/2012 | Twilight of the Rebellion | Dawn Sparkle | >>91165
NejinOniwa | >>91572 | 3/18/2012 | | 3/17/2012 | The Doctor's Arrival | ThatFriendlyBronie | >>91202
Nathan | >>93493 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/19/2012 | The Disarray Trilogy Part 1: Of Harmony and Chaos | Walker "Ink Blothc" Holden | >>91777
Terran Ghost | >>93676 | 3/29/2012 | | 3/21/2012 | Grand Prix | Arbarano | >>92078
Tactical | >>93651 | 3/29/2012 | | 3/24/2012 | Eclipse Phase: Dreamcatcher | Pyrite | >>92755
Terran Ghost | >>93459 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/24/2012 | Beautiful Katamare | BoxedSurprise | >>92533


Eustatian | | | | 12/30/2011 | Flying High, Falling Hard | soundslikeponies | >>90863
TimeForKronos | | | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
Bidoof | | | | 1/21/2012 | Friendship is Mercenaries | Conchshellthegeek7 | 79295
CheeseDeluxe | | | | 2/1/2012 | Stairway to Equestria | Alexaroth | >>81210
Josh Meihaus | | | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
Seattle_Lite | | | | 2/12/2012 | From Canterlot with Love | Sagebrush | >>83644
Exarona | | | | 2/16/2012 | My Choices: Twisted Tales Through Time | Koolerkid | >>84836
brokenimage321 | | | | 2/26/2012 | A New Mare | Charcoal Quill | >>87199
Cartoongeld | | | | 2/27/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>87471
Grif | | | | 3/3/2012 12 | Pinkie Pie's Wonderful Flying Machine | OmegaPony11 | 88537
Filler | | | | 3/5/2012 | What the Future Holds | OmniscientTurtle | >>90686
Arcanus Brighthorn | | | | 3/7/2012 | Resonance of Chaos | Broznik | >>89064
StarmanTheta | | | | 3/12/2012 | Lyra's Metamorphosis | Kirdus | >>90707
CaptainSteve | | | | 3/14/2012 | Lovebirds | Zay-el | >>90605
Halcyon | | | | 3/15/2012 | Daring-Do and the Griffon’s Goblet | Sebbaa | >>91144
Arbarano | | | | 3/16/2012 | Rarity's Vacation From Herself | SwiperTheFox | >>91377
Grif | | | | 3/16/2012 | A Cloud Divided | Dromer | >>91365
Terran Ghost | | | | 3/20/2012 | Out of Reach | Chaos Pon3 | >>92020
Terran Ghost | | | | 3/21/2012 | Smiling Flowers | TheBrianJ | >>92129
Terran Ghost | | | | 3/21/2012 | The Carnival of Chaos (CHAPTER 2 PLS) | Dext/Preda | >>92144
Terran Ghost | | | | 3/21/2012 | A Sweet Victory | nomdepony | >>92280
AidanMaxwell | | | | 3/25/2012 | Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is | SpilledInk | >>93019
RaptorSenior | | | | 3/26/2012 | Breaking the Chains | I_Post_Ponies | >>93230


| | | | 3/20/2012 | Blazing Run through the Animal Kingdom | Arby Works/Mr. Masato | >>91786
| | | | 3/20/2012 | Apple Spectrum | Arby Works/Mr. Masato | >>91786
| | | | 3/22/2012 | Timepony | Jazzyfeather | 92351
| | | | 3/22/2012 | Neo-Equestria | herpyderpy | >>92485
| | | | 3/23/2012 | Minotamed | Silverquill | >>92586
| | | | 3/23/2012 | Correspondence | Cainiam | >>92592
| | | | 3/24/2012 | First Week of Winter | Relaxing Dragon | post removed?
| | | | 3/24/2012 | Call Me, Call Me | StarmanTheta | >>92882
| | | | 3/24/2012 | Ponyville Eleven | Chrono | >>92917
| | | | 3/25/2012 | Daring Do and the Alicorn's Shadow | Crowind | >>92980
| | | | 3/25/2012 | Trixcord | R.T. Stephens | >>93045
| | | | 3/25/2012 | What is a Fluttershy | Digi | >>93048
| | | | 3/27/2012 | Behind a Sunny Face | Nicholas Taylor | >>93287
| | | | 3/28/2012 | Ancient Dangers | goldar | >>93471
| | | | 3/28/2012 | Without A Doubt | Fable Scroll | >>93490
| | | | 3/28/2012 | R.A.I.N.B.O.W Dash | TheOnly | >>93515
| | | | 3/28/2012 | A Thief Named James | Silentblaze | No post
| | | | 3/29/2012 | Forever Classic | Impossible Numbers | >>93728
| | | | 3/29/2012 | Reminiscence | SongofWinter | >>93479
>> No. 93741

Hmmm a curious concept, let's see what I get out of this.
>> No. 93762
File 133305301295.png - (43.58KB , 249x315 , My bearded ponysona 2.png )

Some issues I noticed:

>“Huh. Does Iron Will want to know what’s going on?”
Sounds a bit weird, like something out of a CYOA. I'm sure a "What's going on?" should do the trick.

>back yard
My bits are on backyard

>And that is what Iron Will wants you to make him!
I'm not really sure if this is correct, sounds a bit confusing or odd to me. I'd try to rephrase that with a different verb instead of make: Become or turn into... I dunno.

>a couple ferrets
a couple of ferrets

>he all-too-familiar maze that Iron Will called his home.
called home. Also, I'm pretty sure he was a wandering minotaur and used the labyrinth to give the speech- However, I let this slip (just dropping it) because it will be important in the future.

>This wasn’t working
That. Being a narrator, you're talking about past stuff. Using that instead of these, those instead of these, then instead of now, etc.

Overall, it's a curious story, and I liked it. I noticed that sometimes Iron Will let's some first person out, but I guess you can get away with that (he does it in the show too). One of the things that rang the bell was the moment he said "Oops". It's something expeted from RD, Pinkie or even Fluttershy, but from a hulking tower as Iron Will, the avatar of assertiveness? Maybe a grunt of anger for having failed or something less... dopey, maybe.

Another thing, considering that he speaks in third person, you could use "he" outside of the dialogues, for example, here:

>“No worries,” Iron Will called back. “Iron Will has fifty of them lying around somewhere.”
“No worries,” he called back. “Iron Will has fifty of them lying around somewhere.”

Considering that the only two characters who talk are Fluttershy and Iron WIll, just saying he, or "the minotaur" would be bordering LUS, but it's still beter than constant repetition.

And yes, I also noticed that it was a bit rushed, but considering it was part of a write-off, it's understandable. You should consider stretching it in order to make it longer and avoid the rushed feeling.
And I have no idea what they meant with the emdashes, since I didn't spot any (I may have overlooked them). UNLESS they're referring to things like
>far-too-delayed bath.

I think you could leave most of the time the emdashes away there.
>> No. 93772
File 133305638350.png - (51.66KB , 550x400 , Fuck this.png )
Dear author,

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to drop this story for several reasons:

1) Your formatting is poor.
2) This is largely episode copypasta.
3) You broke my cardinal rule:

If you respect your reviewers, if you put your heart into your work, if you try your best, if the effort and determination are there, then no matter how bad your writing is, I'll always be willing to help you.

How did you break this rule you ask? A quote from your story:

>"'Who’s there?' an elderly unicorn came from around a corner. (insert appearance)."

This is not determination, and this is not effort: this is apathy.

In conclusion, as this fic is, I cannot review it.

Here are some resources that you need to read and utilize in the revision of this fic before I (or possibly any reviewer) will look at it again:



Better luck next time, A now insaneArcanus Brighthorn.
>> No. 93773
I made this document containing Training Grounds reviewers:

>> No. 93777
File 133305707767.png - (289.51KB , 750x750 , 52091 - artist mewball blank_flank chibi cute filly luna woona.png )
The review was very thorough and extremely helpful. It can be hard sometimes when I've painstakingly worked out a concept in my head to realize that I'm not properly conveying it to the reader.

Also, thank you for pointing out my bad habits, so I can correct them. I really did need the help to see how what in one scene was forgivable can be a serious problem when used more often than that.

While your comments inspired some immediate additions and corrections, I'll probably be working on them for the next few weeks. Thank you for cutting my work out for me, and for helping me have the confidence I need to continue.
>> No. 93779
Correspondence | Cainiam | >>92592
Expect the review in a couple hours.
>> No. 93792
Tags: Adventure, Human in Equestria


With so few humans left in the world, one might not expect that among their handful a master thief resides.

James, an eighteen year-old human boy, is such a thief. With his sights set on the Grand Galloping Gala just a few months away, James attempts a crime worthy of legend, but will his resolve hold out under the pressure? As his plan unfolds in the midst of an unsuspecting Ponyville, James can only hope that nopony will discover his secret as he attempts to make friends with the locals; a decision that will cost him dearly.

Will the mane six figure out James' nefarious plot before it is too late, or will he slip away into the night with the greatest of Equestria's treasures?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/13733/A-Thief-Named-James

Comments: I need a reviewer. I like what I have written, I'm proud of it, but that doesn't mean I don't want to get better. I know that a good critic can enhance a work by leaps and bounds, and I want to make my story as good as possible.

I am interested to see what you have to say.
>> No. 93805

Fixed everything you pointed out, with a couple exceptions. Aside from that, this review was very helpful. Thanks so much for the assistance.

But if I may ask, do you think the story could survive without an extension? I admit it's rushed, but I can't really think of any way to expand upon it. The ending could use a little work maybe, and I'll think on that, but nothing comes to mind for now.
>> No. 93808

I just finished a rewrite of this chapter based on feedback from various editors, and Applejinx's review. The rewritten chapter stands at 7751 words, and I am currently copying it into the 'public' document. I should have it updated inside of twenty minutes.
>> No. 93810
I'll claim the following stories. :D




R.A.I.N.B.O.W Dash


Without a Doubt
>> No. 93835
Note that my main intent (as asked) was to sweep chapters 3 and 4 for mechanical issues and provide consultation on the musical aspects of the story. I did comment on whatever plot/character issues stuck out to me, but you were already on board to look at those things, and I think you'd do a better job, so I wasn't really making a conscious effort to scan for those types of things.
>> No. 93843
I'll claim...
scans story to see how much of a grammatical wreck it is
I can't do another one of those right now.

Instead, I'll claim "Call Me, Call Me" by StarmanTheta.

Busy tomorrow night, so I'll post a review on Saturday.
>> No. 93844
Great job, Cassius! This is exactly what we need. How do I contact you with a bio? You've been a little generous; by my count, I've only completed 22 reviews in TTG.

Behold the triple post!
>> No. 93857
File 133307233045.png - (130.62KB , 894x894 , swagaloo_by_t89pepper-d4so7g7.png )
Well apart from a few semi-colon misunderstandings, and a little comma misuse, it seems to me like you've got the grammar reasonably down. Though I have a couple concerns about your structure. I think you've got far too many exclamation points. So many that they lose the impact that should be there. I'd say at least half of the ones you've got in the story should be periods. Especially when Pinkie is trying to apologize or convince Inkie/Octavia of something they just seem out of place.

Generally speaking, a lot of your sentences follow the same pattern, meaning that they've got a similar beat structure to them. Try to vary them a little bit more and break up the larger groups of similar sentences like when Pinkie describes her life in Ponyville for the first time. Most of the letters start and end in extremely similar ways, not the salutations, but the actual letter itself. Even though there's a space of time between the writings, it's still a conversation of sorts and you can only tread the same ground so much.

The strike-through bits. I see where you're going with it, and I think it was a useful thing to do during the more emotional letters, but I think you should cut out the more mundane cases of it. Judge the emotions of the writer of the letter at the time their writing. For instance, when Clyde shows up at Inkie's first performance, I imagine she wrote the letter immediately after getting away. This allows you more freedom in the letter than when Pinkie is listing the things that happened that week.

This takes me to the big problem I see with the story. I don't think Pinkie is in character. The events of the show, and her "duties" as an Element of Harmony don't take up literally all her time. The cakes have been shown to be pretty understanding folks, so I can't see how Pinkie, if she were really concerned about her sister, wouldn't drop everything and go see her in Canterlot at least once.

Aside from that, I have a hard enough time buying the sisterly relationship since there was absolutely no indication of it from the show gala episode. A possible solution would be to break the stream of letters and include dialogue between the two that you have take place at the gala while screentime is devoted to the rest of the mane six. If done right, that would alleviate my concern about the unfounded sisterly connection, and it could be used to emphasis exactly to what degree Octavia hates Pinkie after the episode. (If you actually do that, I suggest removing the short letter from Octavia saying to never contact her again. It could be done so much more emotionally in a scene in my opinion.)

As for the things you specifically requested: grammar, I did my best, but it looked pretty good for the most part; Pinkie's writing style, needs to be a little toned down, especially in the exclamation point area. You may want to adjust them radically when you take into account how bad Pinkie needs to feel when she misses out on some event she promised to attend, or when she misses Inkie's surprise visit. She really seemed to just blow that one off a bit too easily.

I think your biggest issue is in pulling off Pinkie for the situation. If she really is sincere she needs to show it a lot more in her letters. You only have her apologize at the start and end. She should be sprinkling her entire letters with "I'm so so so so sorry!" type comments imo.

Good luck with further revisions, you've got a potentially great story here.
>> No. 93858

Thanks for the review! Really, I'm glad that you went as in-detail as you did, it helps a lot. I'm gonna work on editting it and I'll porbably re-submit it here, if you'd be interested in taking a second look?

While there's a few things I don't agree with, it's more because I didn't make it clear in the story itself. Again, thanks!
>> No. 93870
Sure. I don't mind.

Bear in mind my review was made when I was in a somewhat bitter mood, so I apologise if my wording sounded a little harsh at times.

(Although I might suggest going through with a different set of eyes after this. New perspectives and all.)
>> No. 93871
I'll take Resonance of Chaos.

>> No. 93876
Alright, finally done with my review. That took me WAY longer than I expected.

A great start, but there are still some issues. The vast majority of the comments I have are in the document itself.

A few general thoughts:

1) The plot. You have some good ideas and some powerful moments, but I find the overall plot somewhat implausible. It feels like it's left over from your "funny" draft of the story: it seems almost like a comedy of errors, just a bunch of misunderstandings blown out of proportion. Specifically, Luna raises the army without any aggressive behavior from Pinkie, and Pinkie makes very little effort to communicate her plight with her friends--two words to the right person early on, and the story would be over. Perhaps you could have Pinkie do something unintentionally evil when she shows up in Ponyville? An innocent action on her part that gets misinterpreted (Like when Luna rescues Pipsqueak from the apple tub on Nightmare Night)? Also, you might have her do something else "evil" when Rainbow meets with her. With these two incidents of "evil" behavior, it seems much more likely that Luna & Co. would react the way they do.

2) The ending, specifically, Discord's turning back to stone. It feels almost like you're throwing him under the bus; he's fought really hard to get back out, and, all of a sudden, he's all stone again. Perhaps Pinkie, before she does the party thing, re-does the spell? Perhaps she needs to struggle to re-enclose him? perhaps she gags him, and the friends/princesses need to reseal him later? Also, Discord's spell is strong Order magic; it seems like Pinkie might have a hard time re-doing the spell using her chaos.

3) Your speech tags. It feels like you went through with a thesaurus and picked words that you thought sounded good. However, these tended not to match what was actually happening; if they did, they sounded weird. For example, when Celestia interrupts a conversation with a rather long-winded sentence, you say she "interjected"--which doesn't accurately describe what she was doing. Be careful of the meanings of the words you choose.
According to the Turkey City Lexicon, "'Said' is one of the few invisible words in the English language and is almost impossible to overuse. It is much less distracting than 'he retorted,' 'she inquired,' 'he ejaculated,' and other oddities. " Don't be afraid to use a simpler word.

4) "Lavender Unicorn" Syndrome. You like to identify characters by describing them, especially Pinkie, the Pink Party Pony. Doing this once or twice might be helpful, to help us know who the characters are and what they look like, but you use it A LOT (especially "Pink Party Pony"; that got REALLY old after a while). There's nothing wrong with using a pony's name, or just calling her "she."

5) Long-winded descriptions. You tend to describe everything in excruciating detail, which, often times, is confusing. For example, when describing the bartender towards the beginning, you tell us his colors, breed, cutie mark, etc. Furthermore, you are explicit about every little detail: when you described the party hat, you tell us it was the party hat from earlier.
I'll share a quote and a joke, both of which might help.


"When you are describing,
A shape, or sound, or tint;
Don't state the matter plainly,
But put it in a hint;
And learn to look at all things,
With a sort of mental squint."
~ Lewis Carroll
In short: sometimes it's better to be ambiguous, and it's OK to do so.


A store owner makes a sign to hang in his window.

A critic walks into the store and asks the owner if he would like his store critiqued. He says yes.

"Well, first thing's the sign," says the critic. "'Fresh Fish Sold Here'? Well, where else would you sell 'em?"

"'Fresh Fish Sold'. What else would you be doing, giving 'em away?"

"'Fresh Fish'. Kinda obvious. Would you sell rotting fish?"

"'Fish'. People walk by, they see a fish in the window. What do they think you sell, chicken?"

Again, not everything needs to be explicitly stated. We can infer a lot of detail from context.
I'm not suggesting you need to whittle your prose down to nothing (which is arguably even worse) but your readers are smart. You don't need to tell them everything you think they need to know about an object. Give them a little credit, and leave some things to the imagination. They're OK with that.
CAVEAT: If the item/character is important to the story, lavish it with all the description you like. It might be better to give us little bits at a time instead of one huge chunk, but spending time on it tells us that the object/character is important.

6) Emotional descriptions. I'm having trouble thinking of a specific example, but you tend to TELL when describing emotions, rather than SHOW. For example, you might say "Pinkie felt sadness welling up inside her." That's a decent description, but there are MUCH better ways to say this: Pinkie could sob, or start crying, or have tears in her eyes, etc. Pay attention to ways you can SHOW us how they feel, rather than TELL--it's ultimately more powerful, and more fun, to read.

Here's a link to the Turkey City Lexicon: I think it would be good to read it. The ones I've seen in your story are "Burly Detective Syndrome," "Said-bookism", "Tom Swifty" to some extent, "Countersinking", "Show, not Tell", and "Bogus Alternatives" (although I think you may have fixed that last one).

You have a really good start here, and it's improved quite a bit since I started editing it. I don't think it's quite ready to submit yet, but you're much closer.

My advice now, believe it or not, would be to let it sit. Leave it alone for a week (or two, if you can stand it), then read it out loud (in one sitting if possible). The time difference, as the reading it out loud, allows you to analyze your prose more objectively, and it helps you approach it as if you're reading the story for the first time. If you find yourself stumbling over the text or getting confused, mark that spot and fix it later. (personally, I've found it helpful to read the story out loud, not just whispering under your breath)

After you do this, I think you might be ready to submit. Most of the remaining problems in your text should become apparent after a read-aloud like that.

Good luck, and hope to see you on EqD!
>> No. 93889
u iz teh awesumz

Mind if I steal appropriate some of those chunks as copypasta? I'll credit you, of course.

Breaking my few-week absence with something from the bottom of the queueeeeee.
>> No. 93891

Go ahead and "appropriate." I'd appreciate if you sent me a link of where you used it, if that's possible. NBD either way.
>> No. 93893
>>87471 >>91161

Review of Equestria's Twilight

Apologies for the delay. I was sidetracked by another project.

You mentioned that you were most concerned about show vs tell. I'll drop a few things from other reviews that attempt to explain it and then, give a more focused assessment for your fic.

Showing versus telling has to do with the way an author communicates information to the reader. Telling is generally (but not always) the most direct method. It lays out everything for the reader and tells them exactly what is going on. When an author tells in their writing, the reader intellectually understands what is going on in the scene and gets the information. Showing is when the author drops hints and details enough so that the reader can picture and experience what is going on with the scene. When a scene is shown, a reader imagines and empathises and generally immerses completely into the scene. Showing is how you keep a reader's interest and make the reader connect with the writing.

Showing and telling each have their place in writing. Telling will generally be faster paced and can get information across unambiguously and devoid of emotional context. So telling is particularly useful for getting across details that are important to the story, but not important to the emotional content of the story. For example: background information. In fact, one could argue that an author can only write as telling and the way they arrange the information they tell makes for showing.

Showing is generally slower paced and brings along the emotional aspect of the writing. In order to show, you place enough details so the reader can imagine the scene and infer what is going on. This keeps the reader invested in the story, since they need to put themselves in the character's shoes to understand what is going on, but in doing so, they experience the emotions of the scene. Showing is absolutely necessary when you want to give a scene any emotional punch and should be used to keep a reader involved.

I think one of the major problems you are running into is that you may have gotten the idea that longer sentences and larger words make for showing. Showing tends to take longer than telling, but longer sentences do not mean you are showing. In fact, there was a six word story attributed to Ernest Hemingway that is a fantastic example of showing.
>For sale: Baby shoes. Never worn.
With just six words, the reader is able to fill in what happened and this is what leads to emotional investment in the story. Showing is all about what is implied. As for your fic, the main sentence that I noticed that did a good job showing was:
>And Twilight would never hear the laughter of a certain pink earth pony again.
You allow the reader to interpret the emotional context of this sentence and it gets across.

Now as for how to test how you are doing on showing and telling, I refer you to this post >>89502 by Dublio referencing an old review of mine in which I outline a simplistic heuristic to help you figure out what is showing and what is telling. This should give you a basic idea of how to determine what information you are showing and what information you are telling. Keep in mind that this analysis is coming from a low level and so is information based and doesn't touch on analysis with regards to showing the emotion of the passage or making the audience infer plot events rather than having to explicitly write each scene.

As for showing the emotion of the passage, I believe that the emotion primarily comes from word choice. For example, consider the template sentence.
>She walked into the room, put her book on the table, and got into bed.
This is a generic, neutral sentence. It doesn't give any hint as to what the emotion of the character might be. However, by changing a few words:
>She stomped into the room, threw her book on the table, and marched into bed.
>She bounced into the room, tossed her book on the table, and hopped into bed.
>She stumbled into the room, dropped her book on the table, and fell into bed.
>She tiptoed into the room, placed her book on the table, and snuck into bed.
By changing three words, I gave a completely different feel to each sentence. This is where Mark Twain's advice, "Use the right word, not its second cousin" comes in. By carefully choosing your words, you can show the desired emotions without having to resort to telling feelings outright.

Now looking at your fic with regards to showing and telling, I think part of the problem is that you are trying to do two things in the introduction: give the reader some background information about what has happened to set up the story and communicate Twilight's emotional state. Telling works best for background information, while showing is absolutely necessary to communicate Twilight's emotional state in a meaningful way.

You've also chosen to introduce the fic with a very static scene. Thinking isn't a particularly emotional state. Most of the emotion associated with thinking comes from what the character is doing while thinking. If they are pacing around, they may be frustrated or confused. If they are sitting on the porch, watching the sunset, they are probably happy. The context determines the thought's emotional context. In your fic, she is just thinking and while you show a few clues to her emotional state, you primarily rely on the nature of the background information and details that are explicitly told. The background information will generally come across neutral and it tends to be grandiose information about the general state of Equestria, rather than smaller details readers can relate to. The told details don't add much emotional depth; readers are intellectually aware of the told information, but don't emotionally react to it.

If you want to keep the initial setting the same, I would make an effort to make the background information you detail and the scene as specific and personal as possible. You could have objects around the room bring up polarising memories and Twilight's posture could become more and more hunched over and prone. You have a lot of options. If you can weave the information about the current situation in Equestria into the story while showing Twilight's emotional state, you'll have a strong hook for your story.

Another suggestion that may help avoid telling. Watch out for overusing was/were in your narration. Those verbs are neutral emotionally and lend themselves to telling. They are often the simplest way to communicate information, which is why they appear so often in a lot of fics, but if you can switch to a more active verb, that often makes the impact much stronger. In particular, in your first paragraph each sentence is of the form <noun> was. Changing one or more of these to more active verbs would give your introduction more punch as well as breaking up repetitive sentence structure. This occurs in many paragraphs throughout the fic, particularly when going into the particulars of Twilight's circumstances.

Related to this, you seem to use a lot of passive voice in your writing. Here's some explanation on passive voice from a previous review.
Another thing related to showing and was/were that you should be aware of is passive voice. Passive voice is when the entity that performs the action is turned around and the object that the action happens to is the subject of the sentence. Now that the inscrutable technical definition is out of the way, let's use an example to make this clear. A typical sentence has a subject, who performs an action; a verb, which is the action; and an object, which is the recipient of the action. So the sentence: I made cookies. has subject I, verb made, and object cookies. This sentence is in active voice because the subject is the one performing the action. Passive voice switches the order. So the sentence: The cookies were made by me. is in passive voice. The most obvious forms of passive voice are when you have the construct <conjugation of be><past tense verb> eg: was made, is called, will be destroyed. Passive voice generally destroys any emotional impact and often slows the pace down unnecessarily, so in most cases in fiction, it is best to avoid it. Especially when you see the construct <Beginning of sentence including subject> was/were <past tense verb> <non-empty end of sentence>, it is often very easy to turn around the sentence to avoid passive voice. For example, you have the passive voice sentence:
>Equestria was coated in a blanket of snow that gave it a serene sense of beauty that betrayed the true state of her kingdom.
That can be reworded as
>A blanket of snow covered Equestria, giving it a serene beauty that hid the reality.
Yes, I changed more than just the passive voice, but, if writer's take my advice on changing a suggested passage, they tend to use it verbatim and I thought the sentence would benefit from focused imagery. Consider it an additional example of different word choice
Another example is:
>... withered and dying grass would be revealed instead.
can be changed to
>... withered and dying grass would appear instead.

There are times when passive voice is useful and even preferable. When the subject that performs the action is not known or not necessary, then passive voice is often cleaner and clearer. For example:
>Applebloom sobbed as the officer told her the news. Somepony had murdered Applejack.
>Applebloom sobbed as the officer told her the news. Applejack had been murdered.
Since we don't know who committed the murder and from the context, the identity of the murderer isn't as important as the identity of the victim, the second example works much better than the first.
Another example:
>Ever since Nurse Redheart delivered Pipsqueak in Ponyville Hospital two years ago, the colt had tormented the locals with his antics.
>Ever since Pipsqueak was delivered in Ponyville Hospital two years ago, the colt had tormented the locals with his antics.
The information that Nurse Redheart delivered Pipsqueak detracts from the sentence since the rest of it is about Pipsqueak, so it is better to make Pipsqueak the focus of the sentence.

While these examples illustrate when passive voice could be useful when used intentionally, in the vast majority of cases in fanfiction, it is just used as a go-to format to tell something. Since fixing passive voice often involves replacing something happening to something, with something performing an action, it generally makes the writing more engaging and helps with showing.

In order to identify passive voice, you look at how the verb relates to the subject and the object. The easiest and most common occurrences are the <conjugation of be><past tense verb> construct. These is the standard obvious passive voice form and most of the glaring passive voice occurrences will be of this form. We'll look at using the general method though

>Applebloom was found by Scootaloo.
In this example, Applebloom is the subject, found is the action, and Scootaloo is the object, but since Scootaloo is performing the action, we see that the sentence is in passive voice. This can be easily rewritten as
>Scootaloo found Applebloom.

>Applejack was running from Rainbow Dash.
In this example, Applejack is the subject, running is the action, and Rainbow Dash is the object. Since Applejack is the one performing the action, this sentence is not passive voice. However, this is an unnecessary use of was that could be corrected fairly easily.
>Applejack ran from Rainbow Dash.

Now showing you how to identify passive voice in your own fic, we'll use another example.
>The seal had been designed to slowly degrade as the unicorn matured.
The subject here is the seal. The verb is designed. Since the seal did not perform the designing, this sentence is in passive. However, this is a useful passive construct, because it does not matter who designed the seal, so the seal is properly placed in the position of focus.

However, this leads to another issue that I'm running into a lot in your fic, which is the overuse of past-perfect tense. Past perfect is generally used to describe something that happened in the past when the story is told in past tense. It generally takes the form of had/have <past tense verb>. When you show a flashback or memory, authors often make one or two sentences past perfect, but then it is a good idea to switch back to past tense because the past perfect tense is unwieldy. You have several pages of mostly past perfect tense. This is unnecessary and detracts from the flow. Fortunately, it is very easy to switch from past perfect.
>For a few years at least, the unicorn had possessed such great dreams.
For typical verb that have the same conjugation in past, you can just remove the had.
>For a few years at least, the unicorn possessed such great dreams.
A trickier example is the same way.
>It was not until they had all joined in a powerful casting circle and she had needed to strain to feel the addition of their magic that Twilight realized just how strong she truly was.
The had's go with joined and needed, so they can just be removed.
>It was not until they all joined in a powerful casting circle and she strained to feel the addition of their magic that Twilight realized just how strong she truly was.
I also removed the needed, since the sentence reads fine without it. The past perfect is a special case of a general statement, which is that your writing would benefit if you removed the majority of the helping verbs.
A few verbs like "be" have different conjugations. Those should become evident with a little thought, but I'll do one example.
>Twilight had been forced to decide that their abilities would be better used elsewhere.
The "had been" is the conjugation of "be" which becomes "was"
>Twilight was forced to decide that their abilities would be better used elsewhere.
Looking at this closer, we see that it is in passive voice, since forced is the verb and Twilight is the subject. The easiest way to improve this is by removing the extra helping verbs.
>Twilight decided that their abilities would be better used elsewhere.

Mechanically, the fic is pretty clean. I didn't take too deep a pass, so you will want to check it over again, but I noticed a few spots.

There are a few missing commas, in particular, adverbs and adverbial phrase at the beginning of sentences. When you start with an adverb or an adverbial phrase (something that contextualises the sentence, often with regard to time), they are normally set off with a comma.
>Luckily the guards
Luckily, the guards
>Eventually when the snow
Eventually, when the snow
>Near the beginning hope
Near the beginning, hope
>In the courtyard below the
In the courtyard below, the
>At first Twilight
At first, Twilight
>As she spoke her frown
As she spoke, her frown
>Apparently I'm going
Apparently, I'm going
>Over the last decade Twilight
Over the last decade, Twilight
>Instead she rubbed
Instead, she rubbed

You also missed a vocative comma or two. When a character name is called to direct dialogue, you use (vocative) commas to separate the name.
>"Don't worry Dash."
"Don't worry, Dash."
>"Well Twi, that
"Well, Twi, that

You have a few misspellings or typos that may be what the prereaders were referring to.
>a plead she had made
a plea she had made
>mater of willpower
matter of willpower

This isn't necessarily an error, but when showing possession with a noun that ends with -s, it is typical to add the apostrophe and omit the -s.

Plotwise, you don't have a ton here. This seems to be just an introduction to something. You mention quite a few events with the fall of the princesses and Pinkie that I assume you will explain eventually. Read: If you weren't planning on explaining them later, add it to the to-do list. Beyond those, nothing really happens, just exposition and a little bit of a talk with Rainbow Dash. I assume the main conflict is Twilight struggling against the situation in Equestria, with the possibility of working to discover how the unicorns raised the Sun in the Hearth's Warming Eve story..

As for characters, I would argue that Rainbow Dash, and even a little bit Twilight, seems to come off as overly clinical and scientific. For Rainbow Dash, her speeches
>"There is ... a suitable replacement."
>"Though, I suppose maybe you aren't ... my replacement."
use much longer sentences and words than I would expect from Dash, even though she's grown.
Twilight's speech
>"My current state of youth is ... another forty years to grow."
seems a little excessive even for Twilight presenting results of scientific thought.

Related, your reactions have much slower pace than ideal and you have a habit of telling what the actions are supposed to mean instead of allowing the body language and dialogue tone to show that information. For example:
>Rainbow Dash leaned her head away so she could give Twilight a quizzical look when the unicorn did not elaborate further.
compared to
>Rainbow cocked her head. "Huh?"
The revised exchange gets across the same information, is much shorter, and avoids the telling from explaining what Rainbow is doing.
Most of your reactions could do with some shortening and removal of the telling descriptions.

Overall, this does need to be overhauled to deal with the show vs tell issues. You use past perfect tense and was/were/been a lot, so changing to more active wording would likely help.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If you aren't understanding, then I'm not he