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91817 No. 91817
#Discussion #Story Ideas
Previous thread: >>79400

Hello, and welcome to the Story Forge, /fic/'s story idea and brainstorming general thread!

If you have a story idea that you do not wish to write, or are looking for a seed of an idea upon which to build your world, consider this place a literary take-a-penny jar. We can also help flesh out your story ideas, but do suggest that once you get the ball rolling, to move the conversation to one of our many fine Review Threads. If you see someone asking for fic ideas, or posting a few, please direct them here.
367 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 96784
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Um, hello!

Well, I don't think the main problem with your idea is rap. It's just that it's another generic 'someone or something kinda famous ends up in Equestria what happens next' fic. These kind of suck because there are millions of them all over Fimfiction and they don't require much thought; all the author has to do is think: 'What do I like?' and then mash that with '...Ends up in Equestria!'

It'd be much more interesting if you came up with an original idea which brings this 'Gucci Mane' to Equestria, maybe even figuratively.

I actually quite like rap, and music in general. I've never heard of Gucci Mane, but if it's any indication of my tastes, I enjoy Danny Brown and Childish Gambino, Kendrick Lamar and maybe some MellowHype. Oh, and Kanye.

Anyways, I was thinking of a way in which I could incorporate rap into the FiM universe and thought of >>92994
Zebras haven't been expanded upon much in the show, so I thought I might build on that which is left to imagination. They speak in rhyme naturally, so surely rap would be second-nature to them? You could get the zebra protagonist to adopt the rap alias Gucci Mane at the end of the story. That would be a way of 'bringing' Gucci Mane into Equestria, all the while avoiding all the horrible human-in-Equestria cliches. I'm sure that would impress whoever you lost a bet to in being an original response to the prompt.

I'm never going to write this story, so you're welcome to use the idea. Good luck with whatever you decide to do, though!

(Even if you do just go with your original idea, it'll probably get a million reads and become the next big thing on the featured list because Fimfiction is full of silly people like that. I would know, my first fic got there Dx)
>> No. 96787
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Hmm, it's odd, I had an idea like that, minus the zebra and he dealt drugs in Manehattan for a part of his life . But damn, that's actually pretty decent idea.

To be honest, I want to do both now, mostly because yours has a shitload of potential and mine is just cracked out as hell.

Also, I've never heard of any of those rappers other than Kanye. You seem to listen to the younger generation of rap, for the most part.

Someone needs to make a Menace 2 Society or Boyz in da Hood type fic. Coltz in da Hood or something.

Here, have a creepy ass portrait of Biggie as a thank-you.
>> No. 96790
No, not as a tragic cliche but as a sort of comedy, like Trains, Planes and Automobiles, wherein RD copes with anger and frustration as nothing goes her way.
>> No. 96808
Thanks for looking at it. It should be worth noting that I usually err on the side of adding chapters/subplots. I wouldn't be surprised if the thing ends up being a lot shorter that it currently is.
>> No. 96840
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Glad to help... or confuse you even more... or whatever.
>> No. 96889
This isn't really much of an idea, and I don't know that I'd be the one to write it, but here goes:

So one of the most well-regarded fics in the fandom is <i>It's A Dangerous Business, Going Out Your Door</i>, which has been described (fairly or unfairly: you decide) as "LotR with ponies". It basically adapts stuff like Rohan and elves to fit with MLP.

Has anyone ever thought of doing pony Narnia? Like, I guess it would be HiE, but would hopefully avoid many of the cliches of that genre. Instead of "a brony" or "a marine" or "a videogame character" in Equestria, you would have a group of children going to Equestria (perhaps children from a few decades ago, to avoid bronies).

I'm not sure how the rest of it would go (and of course you'd want to avoid doing a cut-and-paste crossover) but there are certain parallels between, say, Celestia and Aslan that you could certainly make use of.

You'd want to make the kids go on adventure or help Equestria out in some way, of course -- another refreshing difference between this and a lot of HiE is that the kids in Narnia books don't tend to be hugely concerned with getting home. Maybe it could work as an alternate version of the pilot episode, or in one of those "Nightmare Moon won" scenarios? Come to think of it, "Nightmare Moon won" is remarkably similar to the whole hundred years of winter at the hand of the White Witch thing in <i>The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe</i>.

And now that I'm talking about Narnia, what about the concept of talking animals and dumb beasts of the same species coexisting? What if there are regular ponies in the world of Equestria, or if, say, horses are dumb beasts and ponies are sapient? We got a hint of something vaguely similar with Iron Will's goats, but maybe they're just uncouth and don't speak Equestrian.
>> No. 96892
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im not shure if its been done, but ill give it shot

There is a little colt called Hammer Tail that has just lost his mouther to cancer. His father trys to be supportive, but he still feels alone, In an act of desperation he makes a wish on a passing star for something to fill the void in his heart. The next morning he finds a pure white alacorn sitting by his bed. She knows nothing of this world beyod the letter she gives to Hammer saying "Treat her well. Princess Luna"
>> No. 96897

Sounds like it could be interesting. I do have a word of caution, though...

Part of the reason I liked the Narnia books was the fact that it was a Christian allegory. Without that background, a lot of the events in the books don't make a whole lot of sense--for example, Aslan's death and resurrection.

At first blush, Equestria doesn't seem like a good setting for a Christian allegory. For example, the relationship between Luna and Celestia (two roughly-equal god-figures who share power) doesn't have a good analogue in Christian doctrine.

You could, perhaps, jettison the allegory entirely, but I really think you'd lose a lot.

Alternatively, you could keep the "Children in Equestria" thing, which sounds like a nice twist on the standard HiE formula. Without the Narnia elements, though, you might be falling into all the same traps though...Hm...

As far as non-talking horses, that seems likes little bit of a stretch. Iron Will's goats are intelligent, but can't/don't speak. That's a far cry from straight-up unintelligence. Also, even the pony's pets are intelligent--consider,for example, Tank's attempts to get Opal's mouse in MTBPW. if you still want to do this, you'd have to do some heavy lampshade hanging.

Finally, I think the talkin/non-talking animals comes from Wicked (where you have captal-P Ponies, and you have lower-case-P ponies living basically side-by-side) as opposed to Narnia. I might be wrong, though.
>> No. 96899


This sounds interesting as well, but I have a few comments.

First off, be cautious using an OC alicorn. It is very easy to do badly, and, because of her, it will need to be EPICALLY GOOD to have any credibility in this fandom.

Second, it seems a little odd for a young colt to receive an Alicorn as a present from the Princesses. Since thy're both ponies, that sounds roughly equal to a little boy praying to God and recieving a girl in return. This kind of thing can be done (I'm remembering the movie Ponyo) , but you'll need to write it very well, and perhaps hang many a-lampshade.

Finally: the way you've written it (snow-white alicorn, letter from Luna but not Celestia) suggests that the Alicorn might be Celestia herself. If that's correct, I would strongly advise caution. That seems like it would be almost impossible to pull off well.

TL;DR: interesting idea, but lots of potential pitfalls. No idea if it's been done before.

(also, why the name "Hammer Tail" for the protagonist? Sounds kind of odd--like he can use his tail AS a hammer or something.)
>> No. 96920
I'm working on a bit of backstory on Celestia and Luna for my fic about them starting off their rule. I'm trying to think of reasons why the unicorns were unable to progress the day, before the Sisters came along and restarted everything. Here are some possibilities I'm exploring:

-A lot of unicorns died on the journey to Equestria, including many of their greatest magicians
-Maybe conflict broke out once again between the tribes once they reached Equestria, killing off some unicorns.
-An extended lack of peace between the races leads to a lack of harmony, and the unicorns who hold resentment towards other races (I'm thinking most unicorns) would have their magic be less powerful. Celestia and Luna wouldn't harbor these resentful feelings, so they have more powerful magic and are able to wield the elements to progress the day once more.
-The unicorns can't raise the sun just because? If I decide to get lazy. Hopefully not.

I realize this is probably heavily explored in fanon, but I only recently got involved in the fanfic community (so please excuse me for exploring something potentially cliche), so any ideas would be helpful.
>> No. 96934

Have you seen "Hearts and Hooves Day"? That episode gave me some ideas for how this might work out.

The way I understand it, Discord appeared after the Exodus from the Homeland. "Chaos reigned" for a while, then the Princesses showed up and defeated him. The unicorns are were in chaos at this point, and the Princesses are offered/assume the role of Sun- and Moon-movers.

Also in my head-canon, the sun doesn't need Celestia's direct intervention every single day; it's more of a spell that needs to be maintained every so often (at the Summer Sun Festival, to be specific). This helps the above scenario make a little more sense: the world won't freeze just because the unicorns are in anarchy for a few days.

..that said, I'm tempted to ask you to wait until after the season finale before you finalize anything. I have a sneaking suspicion we're going to learn more about how Alicorns "work."
>> No. 96936

Hmm, interesting. I suppose I could have an extended period of conflict, then. I haven't gotten that far in my story yet (perhaps I'll never even say how it happened. The story is more about them starting their rule, with only brief backstory on their characters).

With the alicorn thing, my idea has them BECOMING alicorns when they wield the Elements of harmony. A rough idea I have right now is that the Elements radiate magic into the world that the unicorns can use, but Luna and Celestia wield the Elements and harness their direct, unfiltered power, giving them God-like powers. It'd also give them their wings, because that's awesome.

As far as canon goes, I've always been a little loose with it if I don't like it. So if the finale does talk about alicorns more, I'll probably ignore it if it interrupts my ideas. Kinda defeats the purpose of fanfic, I know :P I need to start using the [Alternate] tag more often.
>> No. 96944
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>>91825 >>91908 >>92638 >>94751 >>95468 >>95914 >>95908 >>96191 >>96192 >>96751
Now is time for cake!
>> No. 96947

Sounds like an interesting concept, but that description doesn't do anything to make we want to read it. it sounds like it'll be just a bunch of dialog, not much else happening.

Perhaps you could have them tell their stories, not through dialog, but through action. For example, Pinkie says something like "There was this one time..." then we SEE it happen. I don't know if that's clear, but that seems like the best non-showy way to do it.
>> No. 96949
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>> No. 96950

I don't like the idea of the whole alien possession kind of thing--that's just a little too weird.

An alternate explanation is that Pinkie is random enough to try something that no one has thought of doing before, or something that isn't strictly considered possible.

Also, Trixie entering a flying competition seems a little strange as well. She just doesn't seem the type to me. You have a decent explanation, but I'm still not convinced....I guess if you write it right, it'll turn out OK.

Other than that, not a whole lot to say. It seems like it might get really long, though.
>> No. 96951
Hi there,

I would just like to thank you for so diligently and generously contributing thought to the ideas posted in this thread, and for giving me feedback.

I had thought to make an actual workable brony-insert wherein a canon character (PP in this case) is awesome and does all the patient heavy lifting in the plot, teaching and guiding the interloper to improvement and development (and success), rather than the inserted character being all awesome or emo and stuff and winning the hearts of show character(s). Then I slapped it together with an idea someone gave me in a previous Story Forge, and I included Trixie just because I ran out of ideas. I guess it never occurred to me that possession doesn't go well with comical / lighthearted poni, and that I was in over my head. Thanks for making me see that.
>> No. 96952

... never mind that point about Wicked. I remembered after posting that yes, Narnia has talking animals (they call them "Talking X's" to differentiate them from regular X's).

I still don't think the concept fits well in Equestria, though.
>> No. 96953

You're very welcome. Glad I could help.

To be clear--although I might have objected to come of your sub-plots, your basic idea (Pinkie's success in flying sparks an Age of Flight in Equestria) is fine.
>> No. 96958
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Pic only semi-related--it would be much easier (for me, at least) if you posted your question directly on the thread. It's not clear what exactly you're asking for.

(Also, I've been wanting to use that pic for forever.)

If written well, this could be really fun. A few comments:

-Is the monster supposed to be Fluttershy, and the monster's house Fluttershy's house? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, unless Rarity ate the mushrooms somewhere else, and Fluttershy took her home afterwards. Maybe they're on a picnic or something when she eats the salad?

-I think the drug scene might play out better if you make it clear something strange is happening. For example, Rarity looks down at her salad and says there's something wrong with the mushrooms (maybe the last in a long line of criticisms?); when she looks up, the house is gone.

-Some mushrooms are almost impossible to tell apart--for example, I recall reading about two species of mushroom, the biggest difference between them being the color of the spores. The best way to see if you got the "right" mushroom was to set it on a piece of white paper overnight and see what color spores were left behind in the morning.
...my point being, if you play it off right, it's entirely possible that Fluttershy got the wrong mushrooms. Alternately, she eats those mushrooms all the time, and they don't affect her--they only affect Rarity because of her horn.

-I don't get the comment about "good taste" at the end. Rarity was just ripping Fluttershy a new one about her bad taste. perhaps she apologizes?
>> No. 96963
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> Is the monster supposed to be Fluttershy, and the monster's house Fluttershy's house?
No. It's Salad Fingers. And I am a monster.

> I don't get the comment about "good taste" at the end. Rarity was just ripping Fluttershy a new one about her bad taste. perhaps she apologizes?
An excellent point. It's generically meant to be about appreciating one's friends for who they are, and how, barring any extreme unpleasantness, one shouldn't be overly critical in matters of taste/style.
>> No. 96964

Oh, I see--it's a crossover?
I've never actually heard of him before.

The way I interpreted it, Drugged-out Rarity was being taken back home by Fluttershy. The drugs alter her perception of reality, so Fluttershy appears to be a monster (the "three fingers" are the feathers on the tips of her wings) and the dingy, ruined house being Fluttershy's house.

But I suppose the crossover works too.
>> No. 96965
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> I've never actually heard of him before.
Be glad.
>> No. 96967
The feeling of my fingers on this rusty kettle is almost.... oraggassssmiccccc.
The quote isn't right, but that's the gist ofit.
>> No. 96968
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So, I'm going to start working on another fic soon.

Short plot summary: Twilight finds a baby draconequus in the woods and takes it home to raise it. She names him "Seth," after the Egyptian god of chaos (important to the plot, not going to change it). She raises him, and tries to keep him from becoming another Discord. Thus, she doesn't tell him what he is (i.e., Seth recognizes he's different than the other ponies, but doesn't know that he's supposed to be a "sprit of chaos and disharmony"), she tries to curb any chaotic tendencies (e.g. when he "helpfully" rearranges her books, she scolds him and has him help her put them back), and she doesn't let him out of the house (to keep other ponies from panicking, and to keep them from calling him "Discord," etc.). Meanwhile, she's doing all the research she can, trying to figure out where he came from and what he's doing there.

After about six months, Seth has grown incredibly fast, and is now in young adolescence. Twilight has exhausted her own library, and asks permission from Celestia to take a "vacation" from her assignment in Ponyville, so she can use the Royal Archives in Canterlot. For the next six weeks or so, Twilight arranges for her friends to take care of Seth while she's gone.

TL;DR: Seth is a young teenager, doesn't know he's "supposed" to be chaotic, has been taught that his chaotic tendencies are bad, and is very sheltered. In addition, he's a protagonist, so he's supposed to be sympathetic.

Keeping this in mind, what should he do in his downtime? The only things I can think of is things that I did as a teenager--reading, moping around the house, etc. I have a few ideas for isolated incidents--for example, he "solves" a Rubik's cube by making sure no two squares of the same color are touching--but not very many. I was also thinking he's sensitive: when he sees Rainbow is stressed out, he does the dishes for her. That said, I only have those one or two ideas, and those don't really seem to fit the character.

Any ideas?
>> No. 96971
In other words, an adaption of Past Sins?
A parody of the aforementioned, called "Dyx", has already been published on EqD, except with Pinkie Pie taking care of the chaos-spawned creation. You might want to take a look at it for ideas, as well as to avoid retreading the same ground. I don't think it was ever continued past the first few chapters, though. Say what you will about Pen Stroke, but he can write like greased lightning and won't stop until it's done.
>> No. 96972

...yeah, about that.

I'm aware of the similarities to Past Sins, but (not having read more than the wiki summaries) it seems sufficiently different to stand on its own.

Among other things, there's a lot of worldbuilding, Seth never turns evil (and , in fact, personally defeats the villain), and the main conflict is an impending natural disaster, as opposed to Seth's desire to rule.

Thanks for the fanfic suggestion though--it's tossed (fairly high) on my "to-read" pile now.
>> No. 96975
You might also want to try out making it female, like the girl Discord that anon around here has been using as an avatar. More marketable.
>> No. 96976
Yes, said already, like Past Sins. I'll add: whatever you do, make sure Spike figures big into the picture. After all, he's been living with Twilight his whole life. Set up some sibling rivalry between the two or something. Past Sins didn't do him nearly enough justice when it had Nyx living with Twilight; he was just sort of a servant / background character.

Also, have you seen my Twilight-adopts-a-Draconequus idea? (>>96191)
>> No. 96979

Thanks for the feedback, guys. It's not exactly what I asked for, but I appreciate it nevertheless.

I just answered my own question. Twilight has been home-schooling Seth a little, and, when she goes to Canterlot, leaves him a list of books he should read. Seth alternates his time reading the books, watching TV (or something), and practicing his chaos powers. He's careful to do his magic when no one's watching, and puts it back the way he found it. When his "babysitters" are done with their work, he spends time with them.
>> No. 96980

>It's not what I asked for...

I just realized that sounds kinda rude. I apologize. What I meant was, I hadn't gotten feedback on my original idea (what Seth would do in his free time).

I really do appreciate your feedback. It's been helpful.
>> No. 96982
Watching Blackthorn with my dad when I had an idea hit me. Don't know if it's been done before, but how about a one-shot "Piefight at the O.K. Corral". Have some of the Mane 6 replace the Earps and Doc Holiday, whilst some antagonists fill in for the Cowboys. I'm thinking Flim and Flam, Trixie and Gilda. I don't know, what do you guys think? It could make for a nice, short comedy.
>> No. 96984
Hmm. Yeah, I see what you're saying. The "Children in Equestria" thing seems like the best part of it. That and making sure that, like in the Narnia books, the children are in Equestria for a reason and end up helping it out while growing as people because of its influence. I think this can sidestep the problem I have with most HiE I've attempted to read -- character ends up in Equestria, screws around (sometimes all too literally) and if they do have a goal, it's "get home" and thus nothing interesting happens.

I'm not familiar with Wicked, but Narnia did have talking/normal animals. In The Magician's Nephew, Aslan set a group of animals apart from the dumb beasts and gave them intelligence and the ability to talk (also he made the big ones smaller and the small ones bigger). There was even a case of his gift being revoked in The Last Battle.

(Oh, I see you acknowledged that in a later post. Yay!)

I wouldn't want to make an attempt to shoehorn Christian mythology into Equestria because one of the fascinating things about the setting is how the deities (if you can even call them that) work and how radically different it is to our own religions. I don't believe ponies could do religion anywhere close to the same way we do, simply because they've got immortal goddesses living among them.

Good choice with not making him turn evil. Past Sins (sorry to keep comparing that) got worse in those chapters, because you can't to go evil and retain cuteness.

I often think that story would have worked better as a Slice-of-Life, so this sounds good (unless I misread).
>> No. 96986
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If you put it that way ("It's the OK Corral, but with ponies"), it sounds really artificial. How do they all end up in the same place, at the same time? What are they fighting over? What happens afterwards?

Again, it might be good as a short, one-shot comedy, but try to distance yourself from your source material a bit.
>> No. 96988
Slywit did a good parody on the Lunar Republic thing with a waterfight between Luna and Celestia's forces. Can't remember what it was called, but you could probably do a search on EqD with his name and find it.
>> No. 97005

Someone make a fic about the pony in that statue in the linked thread.
>> No. 97006
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Erm...the post is over in /show/.

Pic attached.
>> No. 97031
It could be a story told by Pinkie Pie, so the characters aren't really the Mane 6 and that lot, but they're who she associates with those kind of characters. Pinkie could imagine herself as Wyatt Earp. whilst she gathers her posse of Applejack, Twilight and Rainbow to take down these ne'er do wells. Pinkie could even tell it in 1st person as if she were really there, when she clearly wasn't. I don't know, it was just a silly little idea that I thought could be funny.

Sounds pretty cool. Can't seem to find it though. Slywit seems to be a bit too active for the custom search feature.
>> No. 97032

That idea for the pie fight sounds like it might work--since pinkie is telling the story (as opposed to the events actually taking place), all my objections about the artificiality of the premise go away.

Perhaps she's telling the Cake Twins the story? Or perhaps she's reiterating something she read for Twilight?
>> No. 97035

...I've been thinking about this one for a while now. When I first read it, it literally did nothing for me. No emotion whatsoever.

After thinking about it for a while, though, I see two major problems--first off, the character seems implausible, and there's not really any conflict for the entire first act.

You say that the character is a cross between Encino Man and Young Frankenstein--both of those characters have difficulties communicating. However, in your story, Twilight & Co. extract useful historical information from him. Unless they're using magic to examine his memories (pensive, anyone?), that doesn't seem like it would work.

Next, there's nothing that really seems to be driving the first half of the story--it sounds like a lot of dialog, interspersed with some comic relief. A draconequus isn't exactly easy to hide--perhaps people know about him, and he's already contreversial before he starts blabbing about Celestia?

One of the things I thought of while thinking about this idea was Javik from Mass Effect 3. Minor ME3 spoilers ahead.
Javik is a Prothean, a member of long-extinct, technologically advanced race. Javik went into stasis about 50,000 years previously, at the height of a war for his people's survival, and wakes up in the present, when the exact same thing is happening for the humans. Javik's character is fascinating: he's always commenting on how different the present day is--for example, when discussing the amphibious, technologically-advanced Salarians, he tells the player they used to lick their eyes. He comments on how primitive all the technology is, and how the humans have no hope of winning this fight--after all, his own people, the mightiest empire in the galaxy, lost. How can the relatively weak humans survive?

I'm also reminded, to some degree, of Final Fantasy 3/6--the game begins with the Empire discovering a frozen Esper, a highly-magical creature. Immediately, there's a fight over it, as each of the factions seeks to control this incredibly powerful resource.

I think a combination of those two ideas might work really well--I don't know if it would be the type of story you want to tell, but it would work. Your Draconequus (who I'm calling DQ) could be discovered by someone else, and a bunch of groups, including the religious fanatics, try to take him for themselves. Eventually, Celestia steps in and awards custody to Twilight, in the hopes that he's still alive in the ice.
then, you could use the ME3 character's personality/background. Your DQ is intelligent, and has a hard time adjusting to life with the ponies. It takes him a while to "crack" and start sharing his stories, but once he does...oh man. Also, perhaps your DQ could be one of Discord's brothers--this would make a little more sense as to why he was frozen (powerful spell that didn't go quite right) instead of outright killed.
Finally, having a coherent DQ would help you plot make a little more sense. The "sharing historical data" thing requires someone who can talk well, and having an intelligent, upper-ish class DQ would fit the bill nicely.

...it just occurred to me that he doesn't NEED to be coherent. If he can talk AT ALL, even in broken, first-grade sentences, that would be enough. He could provide hints of what happened, and the ponies could do the rest. If handled correctly, this could be enormously effective--World War Z and Snowcrash, among others, utilize childlike narrators that suggest what happened, and it works really well.

So, I guess take what you like from this post, and leave the rest. I like the idea of a frozen DQ, as I think that provides some really interesting possibilities. That said, I have no great feelings for either Young Frankenstein or Encino Man, so...
>> No. 97041

Ooh, just had another idea.

If your DQ IS one of Discord's brothers, as suggested, perhaps he's not being honest. He sees a perfect opportunity to sow more chaos by spreading lies about Celestia, as well as a way of getting revenge for his defeat.
>> No. 97085
Here I go, cleaning out the queue...

The first thing I thought of was Hogan's Heroes--so, such a thing is definitely doable.

The concept of a forced-labor camp in Equestria, however, seems a little strange. Their happy, colorful society doesn't seem to allow for forced-labor camps--especially if it's a comedy.

Perhaps Applebloom did serious damage to something (e.g. burned down town hall, or the Apples' barn), and needs to work it off. Either that, or, due to a misunderstanding or something, she goes to a comically-stereotypical prison--striped pajamas, breaking rocks, etc.

Involving war (and POW camps) or actual crime (and an actual prison) probably wouldn't work; in the first case, it would be difficult to maintain the comedic tone, and, in the latter, it seems out-of-character for Applebloom.
>> No. 97088

I suppose this might work, but this plot doesn't do anything for me. I don't feel a desire to read it.

One thing that complicates this idea, however, is Celestia and Luna themselves. Celestia has something to do with the sun--as seen in the Season 1 opener, when Celestia isn't present, the sun doesn't rise. Same thing goes for Luna: Luna was able to hold the moon (and sun?) still when she became Nightmare Moon.

Coltpernicus is going to have to work pretty hard to dance around those issues if he wants to keep his credibility.
>> No. 97089

If this is a one-shot comedy, it might work--but, again, I see some logical problems with the premise.

RD needs to use her legs, even more than she does her wings--if for no other reason than takeoffs and landings. If her legs are broken, she should be on strict bedrest, rather than being allowed to fly around.

This might be an interesting idea if applied to another pony--Applejack. Applejack uses her legs almost as much as RD user her wings, and I don't mean just for walking. AJ makes her living through applebucking--what happens if she can't applebuck? Does her family run out of money? Does Ponyville starve? Do her friends step in and help?
Probably wouldn't be a comedy, but it's an idea.

>> No. 97093

This doesn't seem like much of a "moral dilemma" to me. In my mind, a moral dilemma is a difficult decision between two choices without a clear answer. Both sides have value, but both have something wrong with them. Thus, you're never really sure if you've made the right decision.

Stories resolve these dilemmas differently. For example, in the video game Bastion, you're presented with a difficult decision. No matter which choice you make, you're left with the thought that, maybe, the other choice would have been better. In Watchmen, no one is really satisfied with their choice, but it's considered the lesser of two evils, so everyone sticks with it. In Simon Wiesenthal's The Sunflower, the author chooses option "C," and walks away--every time I've heard it, the resolution is simply unsatisfying.

The way you've framed your dilemma, there is an obvious, clear-cut choice. Twilight has the ability to help others, with no real drawback. Thus, she [i]must/i] help those who need it. You suggest that her spell might be potentially fatal; that makes her sound like a battlefield medic, where her assistance puts her own safety at risk. In that context as well, the "correct" choice is still to help.

A better dilemma might be something like this: Twilight has the ability to cure a terminal illness, but even her cure dramatically shortens the patient's lifespan. In addition, the treatment is very expensive and/or painful. The dilemma is, should Twilight allow the pony to pass on, or put them through more suffering and help them survive for a few more months/years?

I might be making a big deal out of terminology, and I recognize that you're missing pieces. But these are my thoughts.

This story might be easier for me to swallow if you framed it slightly differently. It's not a moral dillema; Twilight is conflicted about her role of "playing God," choosing who to save and who to let die. This kind of thing might be more appropriate for a Nurse Redheart fic, though.

...I hope that was helpful.
>> No. 97095

Oops, derped that last line.

Along the lines of subverting tropes, Ion-Sturm, I think it was, proposed a fic in which RD breaks everything except her wings--a window, her dishes, the kitchen sink, etc. That might be a more reasonable approach to this kind of thing.
>> No. 97115
A few comments in the doc.

I was kinda dissapointed in this one. I read all the way through the doc, and, despite my skepticism, I really enjoyed part 1.

Then I read part 2. And 3.

I thought part 1 had a really strong story, despite a few bits of wierdness (like the splitting of Cloudsdale; what was that about, exactly?). A few geographical problems, but nevertheless...

Also, it sounds like even one or two pegasi massively tip the balance one way or the other in at least one battle. This doesn't seem realistic to me--even with guns, they're only one or two extra soldiers. They only way I could see them having a significant effect on the battle is if they use their "razor wings" (seen in "The Secret of My Excess") on the enemy soldiers, which might get....messy.

...then, parts 2 and 3. Part 2 seemed to lose focus a bit--I was confused by a lot of your plot. Also, it was very...convenient...that Cloudsdale happened to be wherever the action was. That part seemed rather artifical, as well. Finally, it felt like Boson was supposed to be a stand-in for another prominent historical figure, but I couldn't figure out who. that feels like bad writing to me.

Part 3, felt like almost complete nonsense--Logos, Ethos, Pathos? Really? Why not Snap, Crackle, and Pop? Luna and Celestia are artifical ponies bred by the Soviets? Members of the main cast (Derpy, Vinyl Scratch) are present in the sixties? Why haven't we seen blown-up buildings or anything then?
Also, the transition between Earth and Equestria was a little fuzzy--Celestia launches nukes. Suddenly, Equestria. I know you're still trying to figure out the plot, but that made little sense.
It felt to me that you were trying too hard to tie Equestria to modern earth history in this part.

Once again, I liked part 1. I feel it might do well as a one-shot, especially if you took out Twilight and the researcher--just present it as simply taking place. The other parts, though, need a lot of work to, well, work.

Finally, I'm not sure if I'm digging the whole Ponies on Earth thing. If there are flying, magical ponies on earth, why does the Civil War play out almost identically to the way it did in history? Given the ponies' obsession with friendship, I would think they would prevent the war from happening in the first place: slavery isn't friendship, and I don't think they would tolerate it (besides, when Twilight can harvest nearly an entire apple orchard in seconds, is slavery even necessary? Why not just pay a unicorn or two to do it for you?).

Long story short, it sounds like you slapped ponies onto/into existing history. I would expect to see an alternate history, given all the cool things ponies can do.

That said, you do have some interesting ideas: perhaps Celestia's "obsession" with friendship is related to her memories of the war(s): She's seen what happens when there isn't friendship, and does her best to prevent that from happening again.

I hope this was helpful. Post a reply if you have more questions.

Not touching this one. Don't know anything about M:tG, and I refuse to work with clop.

Nor this one. Haven't seen the movies, not planning on it.
>> No. 97117

One other problem with part 1: What was the thing with the enlightenment/religion? That seemed out of place, seeing as how they're in the 1860's--the enlightenment was in the late 1700's.
I don't know. That bit just didn't seem clear to me.
>> No. 97120
Thanks. I similarly don't really have any great feelings for either Final Fantasy or Mass Effect (having no familiarity with them), so most of your analogies were lost on me. The important and significant criticisms, however, weren't.
>> No. 97125
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