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94251 No. 94251
#Reviewer #Training Grounds
Authors! Reviewers! We need you to serve your fandom!

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Previous edition of The Training Grounds: >>90477

Some Notes
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Helpful Documentation
Sithicus Helpicus: Several takes on the same paragraph of text by multiple authors. http://bit.ly/ovOXpn
CerealVelocity's Writing Guides: These focus on spelling, grammar and punctuation. http://bit.ly/pP8OzY
Escher's Hints: A general purpose improvement guide. http://bit.ly/o8voUF
The Review Board: Check this document for the latest list of reviewers and threads. http://bit.ly/rtOSx7
The Editor’s Omnibus: Writing wisdom, wrung from the willing, wrought with wit and worry: http://bit.ly/u6aY7T
Townson University’s Online Writing Support: illustrated assistance in most aspects of grammar, syntax and punctuation: http://www.towson.edu/ows/index.htm

How to request to be a queue maintainer:
Note: you don’t have to be a maintainer to help out reviewing in this thread. What maintainers do is update and maintain the queue spreadsheet. If you review in The Training Grounds on a regular basis, and would like to help out maintaining the queue:
1) Read / bookmark this document:http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsQueueProcess
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3) When you’ve been given editing permissions, you may delete your random post.
379 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 97508
>>96946 Mare's Guard
Hey, it's you again! Can't wait to see how's your writing now.


Fallout Equestria: Rules of Engagement>>96328

Expect over the next two days... life is peachy right now. But, I've been shamed by the ghost, so I'm back here for a bit.
>> No. 97513
>Fallout Equestria: Rules of Engagement>>96328

I'd let you have it, but I'm already halfway through the review.
>> No. 97522
Ah, beat me to the punch, Eustatian. I told the author of "Reconciliation" I'd brutalize it, but you're welcome to it. I'm not sure I'd relish that one as an incomplete work. Check out the story comments on FiMFiction. The author has posted GDocs links to the chapters there.

Sounds interesting. I'll take this one.

I'll grab this fic as well. I loves me some sadfics.
>> No. 97526
Glad to see you pitching in, and if you have fun doing it, feel free to continue reviewing even after your own fics have been done.

There are lots of good reviews posted in this thread and its older incarnations as examples of what to do. I can say from experience that I've learned the most about writing by reviewing and reading others' reviews.
>> No. 97534
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Tags: [Adventure] [Crossover]

Synopsis: The Straw Hats have been defeated and scattered by Bartholomew Kuma and now Luffy, their captain, finds himself in a strange land. Even stranger, he's now a tiny horse! He must now venture through this strange island to find his way back to his friends. But darker secrets may be lying in the land of Equestria.

chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pEmxgcT8k9Kd2NkqizO5IDwFIPmoo1OUzeKbGVKcJHo/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bC6s62BdqyqL6S1tvj6GO8gokgegRfZYYXvhl127R4Y/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/175REZRzgJrTDqh4Wt7F9oMyslovMou89X7rNvPo93l4/edit
>> No. 97542
Thank you kindly for everything, friend. It's made a world of a difference~
>> No. 97544
Thank you kindly for everything, friend. It's made a world of a difference~
>> No. 97553
File 133468492246.png - (211.39KB , 2125x1149 , CursorMagicCan\'tDraw.png )
Review is in this GDoc:

tl;dr: Brush up on your grammar a bit, proofread more carefully, and stay on-topic. This is not a bad effort.
>> No. 97585
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Bored with high school, Lyra's life changes when she's brought to Equestria and turned into a mint-green pony with a magical horn bulging out of her head. After an... interesting meeting, Bon Bon decides to help Lyra adjust to life in Ponyville.
>> No. 97612
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I'm fine with waiting.

>> No. 97619
To review it, I hope!
>> No. 97626

Wow, thanks for the quick claim. I know I can expect a thorough review from you.
>> No. 97632
File 133470890448.png - (149.07KB , 440x425 , mlfw641_131273834931.png )
How do we upload the fanfics if they're password-locked? Do we need to put the password in the submission post or unlock the fanfic?
>> No. 97637
Oh I see now. Thanks, Timefly! You can post it to Google Docs or anything you want. =]
>> No. 97652
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Awww, you were so close! Oerhaps next time you'll do a better job.
>> No. 97654
If you want to keep the password in place, say what it is in your submission form synopsis and thread post.
>> No. 97656
File 133471615593.png - (23.06KB , 140x140 , mlfw267_pinkki_hymy.png )
Okay, thanks!
>> No. 97658
Right then:

Needs a story nazi right now, so I'm taking it for now. I'll hand it off to Pasco if he wants to go grammar-nazi at a later date.

I've started an interactive review on FiMFiction / e-mail so marking this complete on the queue.

FoE: Rules of Engagement:
"Brony Soldier in Equestria Video Game Crossover" sounds like the set-up to a so-bad-it's-good trollfic. Instead, you wrote the legitimate best of the three. Selling this to readers will be hard. Needs better editing. Basically, what Ezn said.

I wrote your review longhand, and will now type it up and edit.
>> No. 97661
Re: The Mare's Guard
by Lunar Shadow.

Maybe I'm thinking of someone else, but I thought you didn't ship. ;-)

The good?
There's a really nice missed connection romantic short hiding in this story.

The bad:

- I experienced BASS: Boring Action Scene Syndrome

- This feels like the start of a longer story, not a short. It needs a more focused plot to shine.

- Wrong ending - so says my gut.

I'll start with the end and work backwards. You don't have to chose my ending, but the choice you make affects the other two.

The current ending doesn't work because it doesn't answer the conflict you raise. As written, this is the story of two lovers against a dangerous world - of which you only give a glimpse. Getting them together only ends the first chapter, not the story as a whole.

One option is the realization-of-feeling ship. Follow the pattern of desire-confession-kissypony. I'll warn you it's dangerous, though. Sure, you might think you can leave your ponies making out somewhere, but then you might just end up with them holding each other tight and exploring their self-doubts in a rather M-rated way. This is experience, not hypothesis.

The option I like and will develop here is to only let Trixie figure out her feelings once Curbs drifts out of her life.

Another is to skip ahead in their relationship and tell a story of Trixie and her special pony on some adventure. If you do this expect fan-dumb blowback*. They'll wanna know how the two got together; that's what a prequel similar to what you have would come in.

(*"But, wait, you have to explain romance." No, you don't. Shut up and enjoy your story. Plebes.)

If you think of something else, I'll comment on it. [email protected] as always.

Once you pick an ending, you can clear up the confusing, bounces-around perspective. None of your character's really takes the lead. Most likely, Trixie will be the one with the most interesting problem, so you should stick with her perspective (and "main character OC ship with existing character" is one of the things you're not supposed to write.)

I found myself skimming the fight scene between Curb Stomp and the bandits. I think perspective is a major part of curing BASS. It relates to one of the Vonnegut rules:

>Advance plot or reveal character.

Possibly interesting scene: Action Hero is attacked by ninjas and has to study their attacks in order to survive. It's a race between his martial skill and their element of surprise!

Doomed scene:
"I want to kill you!"
"I don't want to die!"
"So, it has come to this."

Both have motivated characters. But the good scene requires them to interact in a way that reveals what makes the characters special.

(I actually developed this theory regarding "Boring-Ass Sexy Stuff." The problem is exactly the same: characters try to do things to each other physically, but if it doesn't reveal character, it's boring. And gross.)

Taking Trixie's perspective solves this scene. She's not a fighter, which means everything happens too fast for her to follow. The way you write disorientation, of course, is you keep trying but failing until the perspective character gets an image she understands. By that point, all that's left of the bandits is a lot of blood and cooling pony parts.

So my suggestion is to read through the story and note whenever you present things through the perspective of somepony other than Trixie or faceless objectivity. Those are the parts you should change.

And the ending. And let Trixie be disturbed - but intrigued - by this dashing, dangerous writer with a battle axe.

Happy writing. Shouting is welcome as always at my e-mail.
>> No. 97670
Detailed comments in doc

It is clear that the semicolon is your mortal enemy. He thwarts you at every turn. He's always there at the most inopportune times, and when he should be there, he is conspicuously absent.

You generally can capture his close cousin, the comma, and force him to do your will, but he has also proved problematic.

The editing definitely suffered the further I read, as there were several inexplicably misspelled words toward the end.

There are repetitive words and phrases, as well as repetitive sentence structures (which I didn't mark, but should be evident). There were a number of places where the majority of sentences in a paragraph had a subject-verb, or participle-subject-verb structure. Spring for some more variety. The participial phrases in general were greatly overused. Don't rely on one type of phrasing too much, or it begins to grate and loses its effectiveness. Also be aware that participles imply concurrent action, which may not be what you intend.

The language was quite descriptive, which tended to be nice, but some of it fell flat or was outright nonsensical/indecipherable. You meant well, but it didn't always work. Too often, it felt cold and clinical instead of building an emotional mood. The description of Octavia's house in particular was too detailed. Nothing in the room was important. Given a quick run through of a few things does paint a picture, but listing the number of objects you did and telling exactly where in the room they were was overkill when it was just that: a list. A little detail goes a long way. Linger on descriptions that are important. Make the objects in the room mean something. Connect them to plot points, and show the characters interacting with them. If you choose not to do so for a particular item, then consider simply leaving it out.

I couldn't at all gauge your level of knowledge about all things musical, as there were some nice technical details juxtaposed with a number of fairly obvious inaccuracies. Classical music is one of my areas of expertise. I may be able to assist, if you wish, but I can't write for you. Say what you want to say, and I can offer corrections.

There's not enough showing going on, and what showing there is relies too much on a limited number of methods. There are too many "-ly" adverbs sprinkled throughout. They force a conclusion on the reader without giving the justification that makes it seem real. It reads like a screenplay. The stage directions tell the actor to be sad. Does he come out on stage and announce he's sad? No. He communicates it indirectly through his actions, speech, posture, facial expression, body language, and sometimes thoughts. He gives you the evidence to make the conclusion that the writer wants you to make, but by putting that effort on you, he's made you think about the story and become involved in it. Where you do show, you rely too heavily on actions or dialogue, and do so in isolation. Several conversations were back and forth with nothing to break up the speech, which leads to a "talking heads" feel. The characters may be statues, for all I know. Present more of a variety of these methods of showing in order to avoid killing the effectiveness of any.

You've got on background pony and several OC's, so there's no canon personality to match. For as much as he appears, the father is a fairly flat character, but I can understand that it's not necessarily important to develop him.

Octavia is different. It's interesting to see the different facets of her personality and how she struggles with them, but each part was handled in a vacuum. The only hint we get of interconnectedness is when listening to music inspired her to read the book. Otherwise she feels like a series of partial characters instead of a single, complex one.

As a character piece, the plot is driven by characterization, so plot issues will be related to the character.

Again, the disconnect between Octavia's facets felt like a group of disjoint plot elements than an intertwined narrative.

The scene including the monk set a nice mood and developed the faith aspect (this can't be the only one, but it is the first time I've read a fic that dealt with the Princesses as objects of worship from an organized religion, which didn't sit quite right with me), but the monks later appearance meant nothing. Why was she there? How did she even remember Octavia? What did her attendance mean to Octavia, if she even knew? There's just the barest hint of a relationship there, but without anything other than its existence implied, her inclusion at the concert has no meaning.

I have absolutely no idea what happened at the end. I couldn't decide whether to take the scene at face value or treat it as metaphorical. It felt like an art piece that's supposed to confuse for the sake of confusion.

And the biggest issue is that it never went anywhere. We have a musical conflict presented which is somewhat resolved. She does eventually achieve her dream of becoming a noted musician, and develops a voracious taste for music, but what personal growth resulted from it? Does she have a sense of satisfaction from making it as a professional? The story line regarding her faith was a complete dead end. She develops a crisis, and... nothing. Does she consult with the monk? What came of her discussion with her father? Where was her mother through all of this, as she never turned up until the concert scene? Does she think to talk to the Princesses themselves? She gets hired to perform at the Gala, so surely she's at least on Celestia's radar screen.

Final Thoughts:
It's an interesting premise, but suffers from a lack of coherence to the different plot elements, suffers from some mechanical and descriptive shortcomings, and never resolves anything. It reads more like a scene than a complete story. Your synopsis promises to tell how Octavia copes with a crisis, but she never does. You did create some nice moods, and the premise itself was intriguing. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 97671
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Okay. First thing's first: this is hilarious. The jokes, the satire, the meta-humor, the ending... It all really meshes together quite nicely. With a jokish concept like this, the fic could've easily been phoned in, but you developed a really cute story out of it. But enough gushing; let's finish up the review.

Solid grammar, almost no out-and-out errors that I could find. A few recurring punctuation issues, like removing single quotes around RD's thoughts, or using emdash instead of hyphen to signify interruption. And a few things that I just had an opinion on: stuff like removing a few ellipses/interrobangs/emdashes, or questions on word choice, or questions on word order. All of those are strictly optional, so do with them what you will. By and large, no serious issues.

I did mark a few sections that seemed a bit telly / could have more showing. But it didn't feel overly telly to me. There were some good descriptions where they were called for, generally speaking, and the story was largely driven by its dialogue and reactions. I guess the only comment I could make (following the examples I marked), since reactions to events are important in this fic, feel free to add some showing here as appropriate. Ex. "There was a long lull."—adding some actions here to display the awkwardness, rather than just announcing it.

Oh, also, there were a few points where the narration seemed to shift tone, and really leap inside RD's head. I marked a few of those. It might be a bit more effective to actually have those be RD's thoughts as opposed to the narrator talking. Your choice.

Rainbow Dash was great. Her reactions felt in-character, despite the very unorthodox issues she encountered. Her slow descent into madness, particular the madness in the last third or so, was very enjoyable. One minor hiccup, but I'll revisit that in Plot.

Pinkie Pie was well written. She had her energy, her Pinkie-trains-of-thought, her bizarre insightfulness, and all topped off with a glorious fourth-wall break.

Mrs. Cake... well, it's tough because she felt uncharacteristically stern. But it's justified, and the characters are remarking on it. Plus, in some moments (ex. when she rounds up the twins after the Inspector leaves), she feels back in-character there, so I'd say it's fine.

Sink. Stoic. A character of few, carefully-chosen words. Alluring and irresistable. It was a tough role to write, but you did quite admirably.

Rarity is a bit tough. She only got a short appearance, and generally her manerisms seemed right. But I ended up adding comments on a high percentage of her few lines. Stuff like getting confused by her analogies, or the no-minced-words comment about fathering (which was needed as setup for RD's joke, but still). Maybe I just wasn't in the right mindframe when I hit this section.

I did notice that the V1 review (>>96048) had some comments about this: that characters in V1 felt a bit wooden outside of their "joke scenes", and that the start was a bit bumpy. I didn't read V1 so I can't properly compare it to V2, but I didn't really find those issues to be present, which is hopefully a good sign! The story seemed to flow quite logically from scene to scene, for the most part.

There was a slightly bumpy transition in the "Meanwhile, above Ponyville, a mysterious scream" scene, which I mentioned.

There was also that minor plothole surrounding the checklist scene, and Dash's internal processing of crushing/flirting/seducing/wingbonering/true-loving. As I laid out in the comments, I wasn't sure that the progression and her surprise really followed. She had identified this as a crush, the colt from flight camp was a crush, this transitioned into a realization of true love. I agree with you that this "*gasp* I'm in love!" moment is the right way to take it, so if you were changing anything, you'd only need to smooth over the earlier scenes. Perhaps, making Rainbow a bit less aware of the meaning behind her emotions/reactions until this "aha!" moment.

Beyond this point, everything got progressively funnier, which of course is good for pacing. Pinkie Pie's fourth wall break was so meta. And the ending, oh my.

Loved it, and not much needs changing. I think once you've applied the changes you want, it's ready to publish!

Thanks for the read!
>> No. 97674
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Woah. That was much longer than I anticipated. The majority of my comments are in doc, but I'll give you some general thoughts here.

-Adverbs. Adverbs EVERYWHERE.
You really, really, really like adverbs. I really, really, really don't. You should go back through your entire fic and everywhere you see an adverb, I want you to go through this thought processes:
1. Is this adverb necessary? Do I really need to modify this verb? If no, remove it.
2. If yes to #1: Is there ANY possible way for me to combine this with the verb? (As in, change 'said sharply' to 'bark' or change 'walked urgently' to 'hurried')
3. If no to #2: Is this action possible and feasible? If your character is 'slouching defiantly' or 'sighing inquisitively', you likely have a problem.
4. If yes to #3: look back at #1. Does it still pass that test? Okay, NOW you can keep it.
I stopped commenting on your adverbs in the doc after chapter 1 because this review would have taken a week if I didn't.

-Redundancy and Repetition
You were often either saying the same thing more than once or stating something you had already shown. When Rarity comes running as fast as she can to Sweet Apple Acres, you don't need to tell the reader that she's tired, or her hair is messed up, or she's in a hurry. That is all evident from the fact that 1) she's been running, and 2) Sweet Apple Acres is nowhere near town (it's a long run). I stopped commenting on this kind of thing after chapter 2 because it was so common. You really need to re-read your fic and pick all these things out. Don't worry about your reader not picking up on something! We're smarter than you think.

-Sentence structure and phrasing
There were times when I felt you really understood it, and other times when I was baffled. First, you need to stop using cliches. Second, you need to examine exactly what your sentences are setting up to do. When you say 'While' at the beginning of a sentence, I expect to see a comma soon, followed by a clause that contrasts with the first part of the sentence. When you emphasize something is taking a long time, it needs to take a long time both in story-time and real time. Go back at look at all the specifics I pointed out on this, make sure you understand why I was critical. If you don't, ask!

You establish this is a third-person single-POV early on and throughout all of chapter 1. Chapter 2 mostly sticks with that, but it gets confusing at times. Chapter 3 seems to ditch it altogether in favor of third-person omniscient. Keep it consistent.

Now on to the heavy stuff...

Your story started out with a decent hook, but it quickly dwindled and I found myself fairly uninterested in the story. Twilight having an ominous dream: good. Strange unicorn showing up in town coincidentally at the same time she starts having weird dreams: even better! Big event the eve after these two interesting events happen: awesomesauce!
...then nothing happens. I would HIGHLY suggest you change your story around so that something very significant and interesting happens at Greyhoof's welcome party. The rest of the story is just some ponies hanging out. There's no [Adventure] here until the very end of chapter 3, about 17k words in already. That's a lot of reading to invest without a compelling plot.

I don't like Greyhoof as a pony. That isn't to say he's not a well-defined character and has something of an air of mystery, but I think he's arrogant and close-minded. I don't want to spend time with him unless he's befallen by a spell of bad luck. If you make your only OC annoying to read about, you need other methods to keep the reader interested while you're developing Greyhoof into the pony I DO want to read about.

I really feel this is worth saying. This fic reminds me SO MUCH of my first fic. I got about 18k words in myself, and the reviews I got kept telling me 'your main OC is a dick' and that the story as a whole wasn't that compelling. Structurally, I had almost the exact same story as you did.
And after receiving all that harsh criticism, I got back up and wrote the shit out of my next fic, which eventually made its way to EqD. I feel pretty happy with my progression thus far. I know there's a lot I need to work on and some flaws I'm going to have a very hard time ditching, but in the end it has been worth it.

That's all I gotta say on it. Keep writing!
>> No. 97687
Tax returns: mailed. Time to get back in the saddle. Duncan, please enable gDoc comments at your convenience. Let's see how much I can knock off by 0600Z on Saturday.
>> No. 97701

So you're one of the people who has a zero-tolerance policy towards adverbs. Sigh. I guess it's time to learn how to purge them from my writing style. I've always vaguely understood why they're a bad thing but you've finally convinced me to put an effort into getting rid of them, so thanks for that.

Redundancy issues seem like they'll be harder to pick out and fix, but I'll make an effort.

I'll look at the sentence structure criticisms you had and I'll ask if I have questions.

Perspective does seem to be inconsistent. The most glaring errors to that effect seem to be during the Dash/Scootaloo scene and during certain parts of 3. Whenever Twilight is in a scene, I'll make sure perspective is third-person limited.

Narrative: I'll try to take a hatchet to the first three chapters, to the extent that it's possible story-wise. I was worried that the fic takes too long to get to the action and it seems like you've confirmed those worries. Seems like 2 and 3 might need major revisions/cuts. I don't know where those cuts might be, though.

OC: Greyhoof is a dick and I do not think that that will change in revisions. One of the main points of his character is that he makes an effort to be less of a dick. Character development!

You saved this fic in the nick of time; I was about to go through the EQD submission process. Thanks for showing me lots of ways to make it better.
>> No. 97705
And ze thread iz autozagin'.
>> No. 97714
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Already? Dang.

Just a reminder for bearycool, if you're checking this often - I'm slow, but I'm not done yet. Schoolwork just got a whole lot heavier. Still, only 2 pages to go. Won't be that long, right?
>> No. 97715
File 133476002973.png - (138.75KB , 480x360 , tumblr_lk6wz3tbxg1qaha6c.png )
Already? Dang.

Just a reminder for bearycool, if you're checking this often - I'm slow, but I'm not done yet. Schoolwork just got a whole lot heavier. Still, only 2 pages to go. Won't be that long, right?
>> No. 97718

I expected something like that happened. I've been meaning to do some of the edits and some of the ideas you've placed in your comments, but I'm extremely slow on doing it due to IRL stuff.

Besides, I'm waiting patiently. Take as much time as you need.
>> No. 97757
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>> No. 97774

Story has been released for commenting.

Bonus points if you find the same kind of mistakes in my story that I criticized in yours!
>> No. 97900

My review for "The Write Stuff" is nearing completion. I've finished making comments on the Google Docs doc, and have a copious volume of "overall thoughts" prepared. Give me a few hours to review my review, and I'll have it posted here.
>> No. 97967

Greetings, Hyperexponential! I am pleased to be your officially sanctioned* reviewer.

As I've said, this is my first attempt at reviewing a story. I'll do everything I can to help, but I'm not a hardcore grammar, spelling, or punctuation expert, as evidenced by the fact that I used too many commas in this very sentence. I left comments on your Google Docs doc to chronicle my first impressions and point out discreet errors. I’ve assembled a summary of my overarching thoughts in a separate doc. If you have any problems, questions or insights, feel free to leave comments of your own:


Good Gravy... the review is almost half as long as the original story. Methinks I’ve gotten a little carried away with myself. Do let me know what was, or was not, useful.

[bbcode]*Reviewer was not officially sanctioned by anyone, in any way, ever. Hitch-hiking reviewers may be escaped convicts.[/bbcode]
>> No. 97994
I'm not sure exactly what you mean by 'best of the three"

Thanks for the praise though!
>> No. 97995
Acknowledging review. Thanks!
>> No. 98063
C'mon over and join us in the new thread!
>> No. 98171
sorry about the old post, I removed my fanfic from fimfiction (the old link) so I could finish it before submitting it.
But I have the prologue for reviewing anyway.
Tags: [shipping][dark][adventure]

Synopsis: "It feels like an eternity now, since I began to write this.
I remember to have a peaceful and happy - although weird - life.
I'm not sure if it is gone now. I just, don't believe we will make it through.
Now, we are finally reaching the end of our journey, the end of all, and I will make them pay for what they have done.
I don’t care who they think they are, I don’t care what kind of power they hold.
I don’t care that they are gods and have the control of an army of undead.
But I just hope, my friends make it through, that we find victory.
Or redemption for that matter.”

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c3MBpEC2nkQ_qTIJDKsNugFq5smgSLtvAbO0XuDP2TU/edit
>> No. 98192
Greetings. I have recently finished a fic I have been working on (well, the computerized version of the first draft at least), and am wondering if someone would be so kind as to review it for me before I send it off to Equestria daily.

Since I have no idea how G-Docs works, I have uploaded the first draft to FF.NET, the link to which can be found below.


On a similiar note, how does google docs work in relation to this site anyways? I'm not to keen on having to continually upload my drafts for stories onto FF.NET so that the folks on this site can see it.
>> No. 98335

Hello once again world! Sorry that I could not respond sooner but spring break tied me up. Anyway thanks for taking a look at my story ( still resisting the urge to reach for my .357 though). I will take some of your advise and look though my story again to rub out some more bugs. Feel free to look at the rest of my story if you want but I'm just curious about what you think about the ending. See ya soon.
>> No. 98721
File 133523026335.png - (860.38KB , 1119x695 , Daring Do and the Ivory Idol.png )

Good Evening. I've been working of a fiction called "Daring do and the Ivory Idol". This was written as a way to write some more Daring Do novels to fit in with the one we saw in "Read it and Weep". So, it's a fiction that's meant to exist in FiM as a form of fiction itself.... yeah.

I'm a big fan of Indiana Jones, and I drew on that for inspiration. Some of the characters (Such as Scootaround, an OC who was introduced in an earlier fic of mine that I never posted for review) are directly inspired by Indiana Jones characters, or may have puns on their names, but they are their own character at the same time.

Tags: [Adventure]

Synopsis: Daring Do narrowly escapes from an old foe, only to find herself going from the frying pan to the fire. An ancient evil, a population corrupted against their will, and an intimidating unicorn threaten not only a small island, but possibly the entire world. Will Daring Do and her filly companion make it off the island alive? Just what is this "Ivory Idol"? If adventure has a mane, it must be Daring Do!

I split it into two separate sections, so you don't have to go chasing down a tab for every chapter. Chapters headings are in bold within each document.

(Part 1)

(Part 2)

I'd like to have the whole fic reviewed, if possible. Comments are enabled in the documents, feel free to add them so you can draw my attention to a particular spot.

Thank you in advance!

-Geno Blast
>> No. 98881

Sorry. I forgot to make my original message a review request.
>> No. 98921

In the link below, a gmail link to the first chapter of my tale can be found.

>> No. 98963
Wrong thread, dude

new thread: >>98873
>> No. 99602

Yeah...Trans-Dimensional Turmoil was pretty...odd in ways that were not exactly positive.

I agree with the majority of your points (though that bit about spongebob not being funny I found to be unneccessary and a bit too biased (though if you are referring to episodes that aren't part of what is usually considered "classic sponebob" I understand as the newer episodes seem to be lacking that charm and "umph" that make the older episodes a lot easier to sit down to and watch, though maybe that is largely due to nostalgia on my part)).

Hence why I have deleted my posting of it on FF.NET and have begun anew on a different story that I feel far more enthusiastic about and have a much clearer direction with known as "The Wanderers of Reality: The Equestria Imperative" which is still awaiting a review by the by.

Thank you for taking the time to review my jangled mess, and if you would, do please take the time to review my (hopefully) less jangled mess.
>> No. 99603

Yeah...Trans-Dimensional Turmoil was pretty...odd in ways that were not exactly positive.

I agree with the majority of your points (though that bit about spongebob not being funny I found to be unneccessary and a bit too biased (though if you are referring to episodes that aren't part of what is usually considered "classic sponebob" I understand as the newer episodes seem to be lacking that charm and "umph" that make the older episodes a lot easier to sit down to and watch, though maybe that is largely due to nostalgia on my part)).

Hence why I have deleted my posting of it on FF.NET and have begun anew on a different story that I feel far more enthusiastic about and have a much clearer direction with known as "The Wanderers of Reality: The Equestria Imperative" which is still awaiting a review by the by.

Thank you for taking the time to review my jangled mess, and if you would, do please take the time to review my (hopefully) less jangled mess.
>> No. 99605

Yeah...Trans-Dimensional Turmoil was pretty...odd in ways that were not exactly positive.

I agree with the majority of your points (though that bit about spongebob not being funny I found to be unneccessary and a bit too biased (though if you are referring to episodes that aren't part of what is usually considered "classic sponebob" I understand as the newer episodes seem to be lacking that charm and "umph" that make the older episodes a lot easier to sit down to and watch, though maybe that is largely due to nostalgia on my part)).

Hence why I have deleted my posting of it on FF.NET and have begun anew on a different story that I feel far more enthusiastic about and have a much clearer direction with known as "The Wanderers of Reality: The Equestria Imperative" which is still awaiting a review by the by.

Thank you for taking the time to review my jangled mess, and if you would, do please take the time to review my (hopefully) less jangled mess.
>> No. 100199
File 133585379665.png - (490.04KB , 1016x1376 , contact.png )


[Slice of Life][Shipping][Sad]

A spell meant to contact a deeper part of The Elements of Harmony seemingly fails. Yet Twilight and her friends soon realized that not only did it work, it brings the Elements themselves into the land of Ponies. Can the Mane 6 befriend their Elements, or will the now ponified Elements be a bit much for them to handle.

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X3qVVUYs0W5neOqWvUXU-wVz8eG0eBWHgfh57-OtGoQ/edit

Okay just a note I know that I have enough trouble as it is with getting chapter out for "What is a Fluttershy". Yet after getting some cover art by Madmax herself, I just couldn't help but start writing this one. Let's just hope it doesn't slow me down too much, and that I get some fans with this one as well.
>> No. 126364
Hello Luke,iAnime is absolutely fansttaic and I would sincerely like to thank you from the bottom of my heart!! I only have one tiny request; Can you please add more episodes of the anime Detective Conan because the latest episodes extend up until episode 643, and the latest available episodes are only up until episode 610 or so, so may you please update the episodes of this wonderful anime? And if possible, if you can also add the Detective Conan movies that would be great and I honestly will appreciate it!! Thank you so much in advance and keep doing your best!! Peace
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