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94251 No. 94251
#Reviewer #Training Grounds
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Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 94255
File 133322649940.jpg - (19.02KB , 800x533 , helping-hand.jpg )
Lemme just help you with that title.
>> No. 94257
File 133322660334.png - (247.85KB , 1420x1236 , NOPE.png )

A second version would not have been necessary if someone didn't link to a random close document for the IRC, which would have been funny if we left it up as a joke.
>> No. 94260
File 133322692329.gif - (1.99MB , 299x225 , EVeryone_took_thier_daily_dose_.gif )
Except if they changed the thread again, they'd have to use v3.0.
>> No. 94264
File 133322714665.jpg - (41.46KB , 500x375 , so-funny1.jpg )

I'm going to do my very best to pretend that I understand what you're saying/whining about.

Have I not used proper version language? Would 1.1 have been more correct?
I do agree with your humor-assessment of the situation; preventing newcomers from accessing the IRC page is pretty damn hilarious. So, so funny.

Yeah... and then I'd make another post. Try to keep up with the rest of the class, please.
>> No. 94266
File 133322727182.gif - (12.15KB , 241x410 , DB___Giggles.gif )
I'll post that link so you can have another laugh.

>> No. 94267
Inaccessible to the mortals? Sounds about right.
>> No. 94271
Here's a pre-review that flags some suspected errors and gives some statistics that you may find useful or interesting in some way.
>> No. 94272
File 133322827426.jpg - (10.36KB , 300x300 , rainbow dash.jpg )
(Note: I earlier submitted a request for my story "Behind a Sunny Face" in the old thread. I would like to retract that request).

Title: Cross my Heart and Hope to Fly
[Sad] [Normal] [Slice of Life] [Psychological]

Synopsis: The mind is a fickle thing. It can act independent of rhyme or reason and make us feel emotions that have no business existing. In this story, an innocent thought creeps into Pinkie's head, causing her to doubt her self worth. She begins to long for so much more from life.


Would like a EqD quality review, if possible. The story is only about 4000 words at the moment. Thanks!
>> No. 94280
File 133322874520.jpg - (461.48KB , 850x1100 , 1331246757149.jpg )

Trixie will take this one, they have waited long enough.

Here are Trixie's notes to you, author:
1) Trixie would like to be able to actually view the prologue - please fix the permissions
2) Expect to wait, but Trixie will most likely review everything you have put before her
3) While Trixie is commenting on your documents, you might be tempted to begin editing - do not do so unless you've asked Trixie first. It makes it very difficult to keep track of Trixie's progress.
4) Don't expect mercy
>> No. 94282
File 133322878391.jpg - (18.34KB , 381x338 , update.jpg )
>new recruits: 10
> Recruits in that need to sign off: 14
>Recruits being trained: 14


Terran Ghost | >>94160 | 3/31/2012 | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
Terran Ghost | >>94174 | 3/31/2012 | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
Cartoongeld | >>93893 | 3/29/2012 | | 2/27/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>87471
AzuNyan | >>93914 | 3/29/2012 | | 3/7/2012 | Resonance of Chaos | Broznik | >>89064
Terran Ghost | >>93451 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/10/2012 | Javelin | McPoodle | >>88583
Terran Ghost | >>93456 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/10/2012 | Banishment Decree | Chuckfinley | >>90080
Terran Ghost | >>93538 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/14/2012 | Regina et Equi Nox | NejinOniwa | >>90710
Terran Ghost | >>93546 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/15/2012 | Twilight of the Rebellion | Dawn Sparkle | >>91165
Nathan | >>93493 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/19/2012 | The Disarray Trilogy Part 1: Of Harmony and Chaos | Walker "Ink Blothc" Holden | >>91777
AzuNyan | >>94150 | 3/30/2012 | | 3/20/2012 | Apple Spectrum | Arby Works/Mr. Masato | >>91786
Terran Ghost | >>94087 | 3/30/2012 | | 3/20/2012 | Out of Reach | Chaos Pon3 | >>92020
Terran Ghost | >>93676 | 3/29/2012 | | 3/21/2012 | Grand Prix | Arbarano | >>92078
Terran Ghost | >>94133 | 3/30/2012 | | 3/21/2012 | The Carnival of Chaos (CHAPTER 2 PLS) | Dext/Preda | >>92144
Terran Ghost | >>94140 | 3/30/2012 | | 3/21/2012 | A Sweet Victory | nomdepony | >>92280


StarmanTheta | | | | 3/12/2012 | Lyra's Metamorphosis | Kirdus | >>90707
CaptainSteve | | | | 3/14/2012 | Lovebirds | Zay-el | >>90605
Halcyon | | | | 3/15/2012 | Daring-Do and the Griffon’s Goblet | Sebbaa | >>91144
Arbarano | | | | 3/16/2012 | Rarity's Vacation From Herself | SwiperTheFox | >>91377
Grif | | | | 3/16/2012 | A Cloud Divided | Dromer | >>91365
AzuNyan | | | | 3/20/2012 | Blazing Run through the Animal Kingdom | Arby Works/Mr. Masato | >>91786
Pascoite | | | | 3/24/2012 | Call Me, Call Me | StarmanTheta | >>92882
AidanMaxwell | | | | 3/25/2012 | Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is | SpilledInk | >>93019
Anonymous | | | | 3/25/2012 | Trixcord | R.T. Stephens | >>93045
RaptorSenior | | | | 3/26/2012 | Breaking the Chains | I_Post_Ponies | >>93230
Dublio | | | | 3/28/2012 | Without A Doubt | Fable Scroll | >>93490
Dublio | | | | 3/28/2012 | R.A.I.N.B.O.W Dash | TheOnly | >>93515
Dublio | | | | 3/29/2012 | Reminiscence | SongofWinter | >>93479
Cartoongeld | | | | 3/24/2012 | Ponyville Eleven | Chrono | >>92917


| | | | 3/24/2012 | First Week of Winter | Relaxing Dragon | NO POST
| | | | 3/25/2012 | Daring Do and the Alicorn's Shadow | Crowind | >>92980
| | | | 3/25/2012 | What is a Fluttershy | Digi | >>93048
| | | | 3/27/2012 | Behind a Sunny Face | Nicholas Taylor | >>93287
| | | | 3/28/2012 | Ancient Dangers | goldar | >>93471
| | | | 3/29/2012 | Forever Classic | Impossible Numbers | >>93728
| | | | 3/30/2012 | Harmonious Chaos | Fox Scarlen | >>94034
| | | | 3/31/2012 | The Seven Tribes | Mechcolt | >>94214
| | | | 3/31/2012 | Reconciliation | Rlogic1994 | >>93898
| | | | 3/31/2012 | Cross my Heart and Hope to Fly | Nicholas Taylor | >> 94272
>> No. 94284

Took a moment to fix a few of the notable errors I missed before your review. Mostly quotation punctuation stuff.
>> No. 94288

For now, I will withdraw my request for a review on "Behind a Sunny Face." I am instead focusing on my other story at the moment.
>> No. 94300
Requesting Dromer for review. (Updated the fight scene.) Cheers :)

Elysian Fields (Chapter 4)

Words: ~8000


"The Hearth's Warming story tells the tale of how Equestria came to be. It does not however tell of the dark secrets that followed. Find out about the true history, and dark secrets of Equestria's forgotten past."

>> No. 94304
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The format of this review
Since this is about Discord, I began reading with high expectations for vivid, playfully-described action. I was disappointed. Thus, you may find it a bit harsh, but don’t lose heart. Simply learn from it if you can. I broke this review up into sections. Each section describes a different category of error that the prereaders pointed out, and the comments/responses to your writing in each section are in chronological order (as they appear in the story). I hope you find this review helpful.

Passive voice:
> had she not had her mind focused
Trixie “having” her mind focused on something is superfluous and does nothing to enhance/colorify the meaning. Her mind and her character are one and the same, so “had her mind not been focused” would sound way less convoluted and convey exactly the same thing.

> She slowly opened her eyes and squinted as light pierced her irises, causing her to blink a few times to slowly adjust to the light.
This isn’t passive so much as it is an unnecessary/superfluous declaration of a causal relationship that looks like passive voice. This sort of thing is more common than you think, and I personally find it very annoying. You could just as easily break this sentence into two sentences with the second one being “she blinked a few times as her eyes slowly adjusted to the light.” If your narration flows seamlessly from one thought to the next, you won’t have to say “this caused this” because the relation will be implicit.
> Trixie suddenly jumped to her hooves as though she had been laying on a spring, causing Celestia to rear back.
More of the same thing here.

> all the different statues around her
This is rather bland (“all the different statues”). You want to distinguish your prose as distinct from plain old communicative writing, so go for something less simplistic.

> A surge of excitement coursed through her
This will appear appropriately weak and superfluous in lieu of what else you reveal about her emotions in the paragraph it’s in. Furthermore, if I may say so, the way you write her emotions here seems incredibly stilted. That’s because you write them as a sudden upwelling of anticipatory joy, as if in response to a sudden revelation, not a relishing rumination of her future plans. A character with an actual brain would be preoccupied, not suddenly aware and then jumping for joy.

> It was hard to look at and not grimace what with all the random parts of other animals making up its body.
You are telling the reader what to think and feel. This is the worst kind of telling. Furthermore, this beats around the bush. You should put your creative energy into describing, in a more colorful manner, how Trixie reacted to it. Next sentence:
> She could certainly see why this thing was called Discord.
More beating around the bush.

> That would keep Celestia off his tail for a bit.
Since this is in the narration, and not internal monologue of Discord, it comes across as a declaration of what will happen, and thus, telling.

> The results she got back were not encouraging.
Superfluous. You should immerse your readers by describing the sensation Celestia felt in examining Trixie, not the general gist of it as though you were preparing a report for your boss, assuming you have a job. Furthermore, one would think that Celestia’s magic is intimately tied to her being, so why word it as though the spell were a sort of boomerang or proxy agent (“results she got back”)? You make it sound as though her spell was a drug-sniffing dog.

> She half expected the statue to give some sort of response. She became more worried when all she got back was the stillness of the night.
“Became more worried” and “half-expected” are bland, and declare a feeling dryly instead of conveying it indirectly through imagery or the like.

This next paragraph is rife with telling. Emphasis added, so you can learn from your mistakes:
> Another pony was standing beside her, presumably the source of the voice, a nurse from the looks of the cap and uniform she wore with a red cross stitched into them. That clued Trixie in that she must have been at some sort of hospital, saving her the effort of asking where she was. Seeing the beds lined up against the walls around her further confirmed her suspicions. However, the decor of the walls were much more elaborate and decorative than she would have expected for a room for healing. If she didn’t know any better, she would have suspected that she was in some sort of palace.
Why so bland? Mr. Narrator, who is omniscient (thus far, and should remain that way for consistency), should be revealing the setting in a way that immerses the reader with visceral and visual descriptions of what Trixie was experiencing. Instead, you have him using all these nondescript adjectival phrases that a character would use if he/she didn’t want to go into detail! That, sir, is just plain lazy. You need to get more creative.

> The showmare was too out of it to put up much of a resistance.
This is informal speech in the narrative, but also doesn’t add any interesting detail. The reader already knows Trixie is faint/weak, so why declare what that means? Focus on what is immediately happening from moment to moment. The more you go off on tangents about implications, the more your story gets boring, because you’re not letting readers figure these things out on their own (as if they were incapable of doing so).

> She was both an imposing and comforting sight all at the same time.
This entire sentence is nothing but telling. In fact, it is the epitome of telling. You’re declaring what she was like, instead of describing with colorful words.

> “Feeling any better?” the princess asked soothingly.
The adverb is telly.

> There were still things that didn’t add up and she didn’t want to reveal too much too soon.
You’re just laying her intentions bare. Could you perhaps think of how to convey this in a more subtle manner?

> Eventually, she said
“Eventually” isn’t an appropriate adverb, considering its connotation/meaning points to longer intervals of time in which other things happen, not a long pause. I’ll eventually finish this review.

> Perhaps she was worrying over nothing and everything was as it should be.
I will defer to my comments on “there were still things that didn’t add up” and the paragraph introducing the Canterlot infirmary, as they apply here as well.

> It was an ensemble that was close to what her old set had been, if a bit more purple.
Abstract references to previous things that haven’t been described in the narration. In other words: pure tellery. The next sentence is even worse:
> She had gotten replacement garbs at some point but they never felt the same as her old ones.
“Some point?” “Never felt the same as her old ones?” What is the actual feeling? Again, you need to concern yourself with this to eliminate telling. Conveying feeling and scenery in the abstract like you do here just doesn’t cut it and makes for boring prose.

> Quickly deciding that her trick may have been a little too convincing (and she couldn’t recall adding in an effect to cause such laughter from her illusion), Trixie directed the image of Discord to land on the stage next to her.
Shorten this and remove everything that isn’t necessary. The action is picking up. You’re interrupting and cloying the pace with this cumbersome sentence.

> She was shaken a bit from getting such a reaction but recovered quickly and began speaking again.
100% telling

> Trixie directed her new actors to face off with each other and her retelling began anew. Now that the setup was over it was time to really amp things up.
More telling and superfluous declarations of implication. How did she direct her actors? Wouldn’t it be more interesting to show what kind of gesture she used to indicate to her grips/supporting actors? Again, focus on what’s actually happening and describe it candidly and non-subjectively, giving detail as necessary to immerse the reader.

Furthermore, your descriptions of the stage magic do nothing but re-tell the story of canon. Why not poetically describe what it all looked like and the outward appearance of Trixie’s magic, in some detail?

I had to stop here. I’m repeating myself at this point, and the comments I’ve written could be generally applied to most of your writing (and the rest of chapter 1 is no exception).
>> No. 94305
File 133323144744.png - (385.80KB , 900x612 , DiscordPicard.png )
Miscellaneous Issues:
> She would have found the experience of being in this place inspirational had she not had her mind focused on tomorrow night.
Two issues:
First, “tomorrow” is a reference to a time removed from the chronology of the narration. Since your story is in past tense, you need to write as though everything were happening in the past. By saying “tomorrow night” instead of “the next night” you’re indirectly implying that the events of Trixie wandering through the garden are happening right as the reader reads about them happening, which would apply in present-tense but not past-tense.
Secondly, “had she not had” is awkward and passive, as discussed earlier in the “passive voice” section.

> Trixie’s face lit up with a joyous grin, reared up on her hind legs and neighed in delight.
Take a good look at this sentence. The general form of a working sentence/complete thought is subject-predicate-object (but not in that order and not including all three of them). In a nutshell: The subject is a person, place or thing that does something, either actively or passively, and that something that the subject does is the predicate. The object is what the action is being performed on. A hard rule, however, to ensure that the sentence means what you intend it to mean, is that the subject does not change. Here you begin the sentence with the subject being Trixie’s face but you make a compound predicate containing things that her face does with things that Trixie as a whole does. So now I ask you: does her face rear up on its hind legs?

> dragon like tail
You need a hyphen. This is a compound modifier.

> In moments, she finished her work. The draconequus was no longer just a grey figure with a stony texture.

> Celestia discarded a set of quill and parchment she had been levitating in front of her
Your use of the indefinite article (“a set”) implies there was more than one set of quill and parchment.

> “Welcome back to the land of the living, young one,”
So she died? How did Celestia know?

> As if any room that Celestia walked into would brighten no matter how dark the surroundings.
Sentence fragment. This is a stray adverbial clause.

> Trixie had had to
Convoluted with your double supporting verb yet again.

> In the center of the room, a raised podium had been set up. Princess Celestia sat there on a plush pillow, patiently waiting for the show to start.
I think you misunderstand the definition of “podium”. Celestia is using this edifice as a pedestal or throne of some sort, not a podium.

> life giving rain
Compound modifier.

> amalgamation
Not a word, because nominalizations made with “-ation” are supposed to be from verbs, and “amalgam” is not a verb, it is a noun. Speaking of which, that’s the word you should use instead: simply “amalgam.”

> that that show off in Ponyville
Definite article “the” would sound better and avoid yet another an annoyingly repeated word

Plot Holes:
> The magic overload that he had managed to cause in the unicorn below him had allowed him to soak up all the access power and give him the strength to break free!
This exposition is rather mechanical and spiritless, but also rather indicative of the plot hole. Thousands of years encased in stone and the quarrelsome spirit of three arguing fillies allowed him put a chink in that prison. But now, after being encased for less than a single year in a new stone prison built by The Elements of Harmony, a greater power than either of the alicorns, Discord is somehow able to produce a magic fleck of dust outside of his prison? How?

Just to put an idea out there: I think you could fix this plot hole by making Trixie’s simulacrum, combined with her ego, a sort of intangible talisman that weakens the prison. This would be congruent with canon in that it breaks him free in the same manner that the CMC’s arguing had broken him free.

Additionally, the entire paragraph that this sentence appears in is written as though it were Discord speaking. You need to distinguish the narrative voice as a neutral 3rd party; to do otherwise makes your writing appear rather amateurish.
>> No. 94316
>>92882 >>93843
Detailed comments in-doc.

I never read many of the /fic/ write-off entries, but had read enough of the obligatory cross-reviews in the contest thread to know what to expect here. Starman gets a nice review because I see how much work he puts into writing, and isn't one who comes here looking to have editing done so he doesn't have to put in the effort himself.

That said, I'd do a nice review anyway, because the mechanics are quite clean. The only consistent issue I noticed was a lack of commas for setting off participle phrases, introductory phrases, and dependent clauses.

You do have a tendency to make extremely long sentences. You might get accusations of purple thrown at you, but it didn't bother me. The issue I see is that instead of being overly descriptive, the sentences just twist and turn through so many clauses and phrases that I often had to look back through them to refresh my memory of what they were saying. When there was a long series of parenthetical elements before the verb, I often had to go find the subject again. It gets in the way of being able to navigate through the sentence smoothly. I don't know if I found the longest one by chance, but clocked one of your sentences at 102 words.

The memory scenes where Cranky looks through his scrapbook are tell-y, as they're told completely through narration. Take me back in flashback form, and immerse me in the story. What did they say? What other minutiae of body language and facial expressions can you give me to set the mood? There is more physical description of the hotel room than of the places in Cranky's memories. I want to experience the flashback with him, not read a book report about it.

I don't get the impression that the other scenes were too tell-y, but I'm not always the best judge of that issue.

Well, what is there to say? You only have one major and one minor character, both with very little canon-established personality, so they're pretty blank slates. You mesh well with what little canon there is, and your extension of the characters is believable, so no complaints.

The major criticism I saw in the contest "reviews" was that this story played more like a scene than a complete narrative, and I agree. There is somewhat of a conflict set up, but it's identical to the one put forth in canon, and you don't ever develop it into a resolution. I appreciate that the resolution is implied, assuming that the reader is familiar with the events of the relevant episode, But that's letting the show do your work for you. It would be repetitive to rehash the events with Pinkie and Cranky's reunion with Matilda, but you could show some of the aftermath to develop the narrative more. You could even introduce a secondary conflict - something not mentioned in the show that gets resolved with their meeting. I'm also curious to see what some of Matilda's back story is.

Give me more about why the later pages in the scrapbook are thinner. He still has memories just as vivid of those instances, but why did he forgo the keepsakes? Flashbacks could be quite poignant here, as he becomes more defeatist and tosses aside potential mementos, or even gets to the point that it doesn't even occur to him to keep anything.

And, as I previously noted, I'd like to see more development of and direct immersion in the flashbacks.

Final Thoughts:
It's a well-written story that just didn't go anywhere. Mechanically, it's much better than the bulk of what comes through TTG, and I like seeing something about these characters. Even though they're relatively new, I suspect they'll remain neglected in the fic community. Good job. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 94319
Hi, folks!

I hope I'm doing this right - if not,please klobber the posting.

I am working on the final edit for a novella-length (33K words) steampunk war story titled The Winter War and would love to have folks here tell me what they think.

Title: The Winter War
[drama] [steampunk] [war] [Twilight Sparkle]
30K+ total (each Part is much shorter, of course).

Synopsis: Through the endless wintry night blanketing the land, Equestria Defense Force officer Twilight Sparkle leads her forces in a desperate battle against the Nightmare Beasts.

Link to Part 1: http://anri-33s.deviantart.com/#/d4u2edj
Link to Part 2: http://anri-33s.deviantart.com/#/d4unhxe

>> No. 94324
Thank you very much for taking time and looking over things. It's mighty appreciative. I've got plenty to work on now.

I'm sorry this didn't meet your expectations. This opening bit is possibly the worst I've ever written. If you're wondering, Discord's antics begin later, but if the beginning doesn't grab you, I can't blame you for not continuing.

As for the plot hole you pointed out, that part is actually explained later on. Discord reveals that he manage to keep a small speck of himself from being sealed up when hit with the Elements the second time around. Perhaps I need to reveal this sooner? I'm not sure this will help me with the other things the pre-reader pointed out though.

Well, I'll definitely be working on this and put your lessons to use. I almost feel like I need to go back to grade school to relearn the proper ways of writing. This "refresher" course of yours is a good start.

Thanks again!
>> No. 94325

Thanks Pasc. So, my fears were well founded...I'll try to make the mechanical fixes you've mentioned (God, why do I have such a propensity for long sentences?). Interestingly enough, I had planned on elaborating on Matilda's backstory in a different fic, but I see what you mean here. I'll see what I can do.
>> No. 94326
File 133323712333.gif - (3.64MB , 662x500 , 60759 - Discord animated disco.gif )
I'm glad you're finding it constructive.
> Discord's antics begin later
Not just Discord's antics, but in general, the way that character action and emotion is revealed, as with how setting is described. Eliminate the telling, have more showing.
> that part is actually explained later on
That is probably the most frequently-used excuse that authors make, and a weak one at that. If you reveal it later, at least hint at it being a mysterious anomaly instead of something that's just there. Furthermore, it introduces another plot hole; why does the speck of dust not blow off the base of the stone Discord when being moved from the spot in Ponyville where it fell to back in the gardens?
>> No. 94333
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Sir, with all due respect, I don't think you made the connection clear enough between "recruiting" and "reviewing."

Might I suggest dropping the metaphor to ease readability and legibility?

First Week of Winter https://docs.google.com/document/d/14OU497BMDCERarbQmisFLyqOMCdDSbECRU0y6jJz7aI/edit
>> No. 94335
Fixed. And thanks.
>> No. 94337
File 133324004702.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
Seeing as how you have unresolved comments on this from months ago, I have no qualms with cutting this short.


>keeps reading, all of Vimbert the Unimpressive's points are valid

I'm about to overload my aggression inhibitors!


Orders from the Magistrate himself were to "Go in, finish any work that needs to be done." From what I can tell four pages in, Vimbert did a fine job and you ignored him. My review is as follows:

Listen to Vimbert.

>touches belt, fading into the shadows
I'm gone...
>> No. 94342
>I'm about to overload my aggression inhibitors!
You haven't happened to read any of Ri2's work, have you?
>> No. 94347
File 133324282690.png - (192.24KB , 810x987 , Pinkie-cider.png )
Title: PLADES (aka Pinkie Learns About Double Edged Swords)
Tags: [Comedy]
Length: 5000 words

Synopsis: Um... dang, I actually have to write these. Uh well.

Pinkie is convinced her party is losing their legendary status. To this end, she will search to the ends of Equestria for the legendary artefact that will be sure to guarantee her place as the one and only party pony.


So, a review, pretty please? Filler has already pointed out some of mechanical errors, but any errors you might see later is solely my fault.

Main concerns:
- Plot feels forced.
- Pinkie might come off as that annoying kid who somehow got her way.
>> No. 94355
Tags: Dark, Human, Thriller
Synopsis:Albert Pomeroy, a violent serial killer, has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria and decides to share his "work" with a world that has not known violence like that in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this psychopath no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

Author: Jake The Army Guy

>> No. 94364
File 133324647489.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
Apologies to Seattle_Lite

Starting off with grammar:
You should stick to past tense when narrating; I found a little present tense and some incorrect past-perfect tense.

You really should spell out numerical values ("twenty minutes" instead of "20 minutes").

Probably your most notable offense was that you had two spaces after every period; I forget the history behind that, but for the most part, it's unnecessary and mildly distracting.

Another thing to watch out for is your quotation marks. Single quotes are only for inside dialogue. Double quotes are for everything outside of dialogue.

I also found a few sentence fragments.

Grammar aside, my main problem with this story comes in the form of your writing style. From the end of chapter two,
>Snapping it open, the beige pegasus found a pair of blue contact lenses.
You've got a grating habit of starting sentences with "gerund phrases" or whatever they are. These would look better with a coordinating conjunction, I think, or better yet: weave it into the sentence.
>As he snapped it open, the beige pegasus found a pair of blue contact lenses.
>The beige pegasus snapped open the case and found a pair of blue contact lenses [inside].

Another thing I noticed is that you tend to overdo it on "inefficient description." This is sort of a catch-all umbrella term I coined to describe purple prose (overuse of adjectives), overuse of descriptive prepositional/adverbial phrases, and "telling" the emotions/descriptions of environment instead of "showing" them. This slows down the pace of the narrative considerably, as you're wasting a lot of time describing things that could have been put in a better and/or more subtle manner. My advice is this: whenever you describe something, try to explain it fully in the least words possible.

I don't think I can do this point of critique justice compared to a famous writing guide, "The Elements of Style." Part of my review is to ask you to read this:

Read that, then add in all my points, and give this story a thorough scrubbing.

That's a lot of work, but it's worth it. Why? Because this is a damn good story. It's conflict that doesn't take itself too seriously, and I actually cracked a smile at some of the situations that unfolded. It was definitely a happier story than my recruitment. I want to see this shine.
>> No. 94370
>Probably your most notable offense was that you had two spaces after every period; I forget the history behind that, but for the most part, it's unnecessary and mildly distracting.
Old typewriters caused that. Something about how, unlike modern technology, the letters and punctuation marks took the same amount of space. So, for example, an i would have lots of white space around it if compared to an m.
>> No. 94375
I will be a little picky, but know that it usually has good intentions.

>Celestia stared with shock at the empty pedastal ... She stood in front of the pedastal, blinking, for several seconds

As you said in the original post, repetitivness. You mentioned Celestia in front of the pedastal twice, first subtle but then outright. I would get rid of 'She stood in front of the pedastal'. Another thing: the comma after blinking is unnecessary. If she's blinking for a few seconds, it's already assumed she's standing there for a bit.

The entire first paragraph seems like more telling than showing. Not only that, but also the only feeling portrayed is shock, but I feel as if you could elaborate just a bit more without being too wordy or extraneous.

The poem seems to be okay, but not enough if the reader is given that Celestia will have to "step it up to get even for this one." It definitely matters if it has to do with the Elements. Try crafting a poem that follows poetic rhyme and meter, but remains questionable in design, just enough to let the reader know that the author is lacking in subtlety.

>Tucking the note behind a her necklace

The 'a' is a typo: please fix. (This is me being picky BTW)

>One of these days, though, we will part ways. I will forgive myself. Just not today.

I don't really feel any driving emotion in this part. I get that she's feeling guilt: you've explained that (another thing: you seem to be showing, but not enough to justify a deep rooted feeling which is what you seem to want to portray), but you haven't really capitolized on it.

>in a pranking mood; though I would never ...

The ';' I'm going to assume is a typo. However, your Anonymous reviewer has pointed it out correctly: use a comma. If indeed it was intentional, then of course it's grammatically wrong. For laziness, I'm just going to point you to the Anon-reviewer's comment on the GDoc.

Oh, and BTW: Although it is canon that Princess Luna still speaks with the old royal traditions set in place, it is only towards her subjects. This entire dialogue between Princess Celestia and her portrays an informal sense, but using the royal 'we' and 'us' is jarring to me in these exchanges in dialogue.

>"There is still work to do TODAY." ... "Your speech is quite baffling TODAY."

Ugh, I find it absolutely nerve-racking when people repeat the same word too close together. When I read this part, it just did not sit well with me. In my opinion, you should consider dropping the first 'today.'

>Not just because she's my sister ... I swear---

Again, not feeling any sort of emotion in this. With it being thought dialogue, I would like to see it be a bit more personal instead of just using first-person.

>Celestia reeled in shock ... well, some like to imprison their family for a thousand years.

This entire paragraph just screams underprepared. Previously, you were trying to build up an empathy for the Princess that for me completely erupted in hellfire (I used that harshly because I just feel that way towards certain fan fiction). Here you are relying on that empathy, but it falls onto a dead heart. I haven't been completely convinced that I should, well, care enough about her problem to justify this. The deep meaning is clearly evident, but it lacks, once again, a truly emotional grasp.

>The dark green stallion scratched his head.

... uh, what? Scratched his head? Does ponies have hands now?

>He took a hoof a pushed his long black mane ...

Two things
One: 'a' = typo. Pretty sure you intended to use 'and'
Two: 'his long black mane' = a detail handout. Try and introduce it later if you can.

That's it for mechanical and other specifics I wanted to mention. Now here comes my opinion.


It's okay, certainly not my cup of tea, but okay nonetheless. There are some oddities in it, such as Discord's little explanation to the Princesses. It just seemed completely odd to me, but of course that's just my opinion.

Your OC's are okay, but not great. There are things that need to be fleshed-out and reworked. They aren't really believable enough to me. Again, that's just me.

Overall Rating: 3.95 of 5.00

It's not terrible, but it's not great either. I have one big prejudice against it: the overly blatant facts about the story. Their just spat at the reader like wads of wet paper. However, I can easily overlook it. It was alright for a beginning, and with a little bit more working out and it'll be ready for the world.

Good job!
>> No. 94385

I have drafted a few scenes of metafic of Latias' Journey. Thank God for ponies, or I'd only write psych. horror.


>>94214 The Seven Tribes
I'll read this this week when I have time at work.

>>93898 Reconciliation
And this tonight.
>> No. 94408
Is the queue still closed?
>> No. 94417
File 133325571521.jpg - (200.27KB , 1164x1600 , Trinity Poem Cover.jpg )
Well then, I guess I should get you in here for my story of sorts.

Name: The Trinity Poem
2. Bearycool
3. [poetry](I consider that random). [adventure] [tragedy]

4. Before the battle with Discord, three discourses between the three immortals were made in secrecy. An unknown poet was granted a vision to reiterate the words of the discourses in a poetic stance. In each discourse lies the prophecies of future events in Equestria, the madness of Discord, and the subtle clues of Nightmare Moon coming into the world.

5. Google docs link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14cn7nkNGhNLT0hQo5FcpUgUlSoiLKTuuwpoxNG2ojK0/edit

Fimfiction link:

6. All of it, which is only about 2.9K words worth of reading (after all, it is only a poem).

Background Stuff for the Reviewer:
1. It's a poem, and it's about 2.8K in length.
2. American English. (Because I hate s's and I love z's.)
3. Meter of the poem changes from a pentameter, to somewhat structure meters, to free verse depending on who is speaking. I.E. if Discord is speaking, everything is going to look chaotic and if Celestia or Luna are speaking then it's more structured.
4. Enjoy.
>> No. 94420
[Title] An Author's Last Work
[Author] RaptorSenior
[Email] [email protected]
[Tags] Grimdark, Sad

[Synopsis] A lie begets a lie, and the world was protected by one. This is the origins of those who keep Equestria on track, creating the opportunities that the Mane 6 learn from. This is who they were, how they came to be, and the biggest secret they had to hide from the rest of the world.


[Comments] I have submitted this to EQD and this is what the prereaders sent me in reply:

Dear Author:

Thank you for submitting your story to EQD... and for stumping me. I'm really not entirely sure what to do with it! It's well written, but you've left me with many more questions than I started with.

The magical book was a nice idea... but I'm wondering a lot about the world of the Author. What's going on? Why is the Empire so cruel? Where did this book come from? What's this sect he seems to be working with?

And once the world is re-made, where in time did 'Our' Equestria start? Was it pre-Celestia? Pre-Discord?

So many unanswered questions... I do think your story would do better if this were re-written and fleshed out.

Honestly? It's also a good start to a MUCH longer story.

Regardless, the choice is yours.

I'm sending this back to you for editing; you do need to firm up your formatting and add in a few tweaks here and there. You can do that, then resubmit... and it ought to be ready to post.

I would however offer a plea to you to consider re-writing and expanding upon this. You've left me with questions... and that can be a very good thing if you choose to answer them.

Now, I would like help mainly on the formatting (don't know what they mean by it) and the 'tweaks.' Another reviewer took a look at it and said:

The characters and the dialogue aren't consistent, and you seem to be trying a little too hard to work in two-dollar words, using them in places where they aren't correct. The sergeant, for example. He openly questions his commanding officer, indicating some manner of moral courage, then raises his hoof in a cowardly salute. The dialogue seems overly formal between Skyward Arrows and Diamondback, as well as between Skyward Arrows and his students. If he were a colder character, you could probably get away with it, but he seems fairly warm towards them.

Any help would be very much appreciated!
>> No. 94424
File 133325883433.png - (24.27KB , 250x231 , tumblr_ly5ujtE4a41r2ulmeo3_250.png )
Thanks for the review. I agree with most of what you said in the doc comments, although a few things I will have to disagree with you on.

>Info dumping
Yyyyup. I'm pretty guilty of that. The first fic I wrote got absolutely slammed because I was leading the reader on far too much. I was told I need to reveal a lot more to the reader while keeping it secret from the characters. So I erred on the side of caution and got called out for it.

>Formulaic relationships
Celestia and Luna, I definitely agree with you on. The other characters... not really, but that is a moot point as I will be changing a lot about their interactions after this.

>massively dull read
By the virtue that one of my characters pissed you off, I don't know if I would go that far...
You directly attacked my characters, though it was a pretty general critique and I didn't really know what to make of it. I'm pretty sure what I have to change with Blind and Echo, but you just said Celestia was 'emo'. I feel like that was just a way to say you don't like somber characters because they are angst. I would say there's nothing wrong with a character being predominately sad for a while, as long as there is a valid reason and it doesn't make the character one-dimensional.

Anyways, if you read this and are curious about my plans:
-Change the dynamic of Celestia/Luna relationship (probably will introduce them playing hide-n-seek or something, I really want to craft a sad Celestia, but I don't want that to dominate her character)
-Change the nature of the problem (no more weapons, I'll make Discord's spell a bit more vague and he won't be yapping about the 'wager' nearly as much)
-Echo won't be talking about his dislike of cutie marks nearly as much, but it's still going to be part of him as a primary character flaw. I'll remove the 'whiny' aspect of it, though.
-Blind won't be so arrogant and annoying, and he'll reveal a lot less about himself and the situation.
-The circumstances under which those two meet will be changed, I'll use a different angle to build empathy for Echo.
-The final conversation (which, oddly, you didn't seem to have as much as an issue with as the rest of the chapter) will characterize Celestia more as a manipulator and will reveal Blind's flaws in a more subtle way.
I feel like you wanted a complete re-vamp of my characters, but I'm fairly certain I just presented them incorrectly. Who they are is the entire story, really... the whole Discord bit is just a reason to show them develop and keep the reader interested.

One more thing I want to say, call it a critique of your review. Your comments (in the doc, not on the board) are worded harshly. Granted, you stop before actually cursing at the author, but not long before it. Even if that's 'just you', I don't know if a potential author would understand. For me, it was what I needed; my ego puffed up more than a bit when I got a fic to EqD and I'd had nothing but positive reviews for a couple weeks now. Your review told me, in no particular terms, I'm still an immature author and my first drafts are just as bad as anyone else's.
People put a lot of time and effort into their work, and are putting themselves out there when they ask for a review.

Anyways, thanks again. I'm off!
>> No. 94429
Brutal review provided per request.

I am not a prereader, but have a sample rejection anyway.

Dry exposition and questionable metaphor prepare me as a reader for a story that will consist only of telling me what happens without giving my imagination anything to work with.

You need to show the story, not tell it.

I could tell you, but I think I'll show you instead. Linked are excerpts from your fic contrasted with three of the best:

Black and White 6-star. [Sad][Shipping] This passage is the absolute least showing you can get away with. The framing story, and the inner story have significantly more.

Half the Day is Night 6-star. [Adventure] Most stories should have this show / tell ratio.

Romance Reports EqD rejected. [Shipping] (non-clop excerpt) This fic does one thing really, really well: showing. This is about the highest show / tell ratio possible.

Note how showing makes things happen on the stage of imagination, rather than musing about what the universe had for breakfast or whatever.



When you have expository writing and you need descriptive, the best option is to re-write. You must engage your imagination more, and I've found that easier to do with a blank page than attempting to "edit more description in."

When scenes do not allow showing, they are often better cut than left in the story.

This skill requires practice. I'm willing to provide further feedback on short scenes via e-mail. Please try again.
>> No. 94433
File 133326156032.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
should be damn it

I'm going to level with you. I read this twice, and there isn't a lot of obvious room for improvement. Some of your sentences are redundant in the intro, but I didn't get that vibe constantly through reading this. Your descriptors are efficient and mostly "showing," (some room for improvement for "telling" here and there) your emotions are decent, the dialogue sounds natural.

The pacing and plot on this is good. You establish an interesting hook in the prequel, and you don't waste a lot time progressing the plot.

Everything's decently balanced here.

The only thing I can think of is to make sure the "Time Travel Rules" or whatnot are in-check with Season 2's episode about time travel, but frankly, I feel that even that's a moot critique at best.

I feel as if I've failed you as a reviewer, as I can't find more wrong with this story. For that, I apologize.
>> No. 94455
>>92917 >>94271

My first impression on a read through was that this is basically a carbon copy of the first chapter of the Equestria Hockey League story, which I didn't particularly enjoy, even though I'm a huge hockey fan. so you can guess that I wasn't particularly thrilled by this piece.

One of the main reasons I'm wary of these types of pieces is the use of the mane 6 in an odd position that doesn't lend itself to using more than a shell of their characters. The Cutie Mark Crusaders can be seen as an allegory for the futility of trying to excel outside of one's natural talents. If you want to examine the relationships of the mane cast under the pressure of life in a professional sports league, then that is one thing. But if you just want "soccer with superpowers," which is definitely the sense that I get from this piece why not use ponies that have soccer as their special talent instead? The mane 6 are much less likely to be able to perform the "soccer with superpowers" anyway. If you really wanted to incorporate them, then you could still use them, just in positions more related to their abilities (ie: Twilight, head coach; Applejack and Rainbow Dash, strength and conditioning coaches; Rarity, uniforms; etc).

That's enough conceptual complaining. Onto the piece.

You introduce the story by describing town hall somehow being destroyed by stuff that never appears in the story. While this is more creative than a weather report, it's still detail that has little to no relevance to the actual story, so I would recommend starting closer to the actual introduction of the "conflict."

Also eventually related, I'm not certain that Ponyville getting a professional soccer team without any of the logistical details taken care of, is a believable premise. Yes, it introduces the premise and the rest of the action for the chapter, but I don't think a professional league would accept a team on a whim like that.

One possible solution to both of these problems would be to introduce Twilight waiting outside the mayor's office fretting over why both the mayor and Celestia would ask her to come. You could even have arguing trashtalking coming from the room. Then, Mayor Mare and Celestia walk out and explain that Ponyville is getting a soccer team. They've already handled the logistics, but it's Twilight's job to organise the team in time for the first exhibition. You could even pull out an all-team organiser joke. This would allow you to bypass the seemingly arbitrary letter about Celestia providing the facilities in exchange for the exhibition game which seems informal and out of character for her writing style. while maintaining the tension necessary for a good hook.

Another plot point. I'm not sure I buy nopony even bothering to ask Fluttershy, especially with Twilight needing additional players just to reach the minimum. Also, having her volunteer with a yell seems out of character for her. I think it would be much more natural for all of her friends to ask her to play when they only need one more player and have her acquiesce.

Now looking at the writing itself, watch out for telling when you want to communicate how Twilight or another character is feeling about the situation. Since this doesn't seem like a particularly emotional piece and I'm guessing that you expect the main appeal of this to be the soccer, so this might be less of an issue for your fic than a typical fic. However, showing emotions instead of telling them helps with reader immersion, so I would be remiss if I didn't mention it.
>As she approached, Twilight felt a nagging sense of dread.
When you say Twilight felt a nagging sense of dread, you are directly telling the reader what to feel. If you say something like
>As she approached, Twilight's knees began to buckle.
you show evidence of what she is feeling while allowing the reader to fill in the details. Since the reader will subconsciously fill in the details as they read, they will engage their imagination and immerse into the fic. When you tell, they have to take the information at face value and don't engage as much. The goal of showing is to give enough details to guide the reader to the desired implication, but let the reader use their own interpretation.
Here's a post by Dublio referencing an old review of mine that gives a heuristic for dealing with informational showing versus telling. >>89502

You switch viewpoints in your narration fairly often and you have a lot of informal narration. It is best to stick with one viewpoint for the narrator, or at least wait until obvious section breaks to switch. If you choose to use an omniscient narrator that can see thoughts from each character, then it is important that you keep the narrative voice consistent and formal, so that your narrator doesn't lose credibility. If you only allow the narrator to see one character's thoughts (third person limited. This is the most common mode of narration), you need to keep in the same perspective throughout the scene. Perspective switches are jarring and when you cut away to a new character, it generally seems like superfluous detail for the scene. Also, unless you are planning to switch this to first person or include the narrator as an interactive character (which really only works in straight comedies), avoid ellipses in narration. Ellipses in narration draw attention to the fallibility of the narrator and weaken the reader's immersion into the story. To use a sports metaphor, narrators are like referees; if you notice them, then they did something wrong.
Since Twilight is the main focus of the story and you seem to slip into verbatim thought for her reasonably often, I would recommend sticking with her perspective all the way through the chapter. Also, when you use verbatim thought, it is typical to italicise the thoughts and punctuate them like you would speech without the quotation marks, of course. Something like:
>Which, come to think of it, had probably been the primary reason she’d found herself wrapped up in this mess to begin with, she thought.

Related, you definitely overuse ellipses. Ellipses should be used when speech trails off, almost as though they have something more to say, but don't really know the best place to stop...
You seem to use them whenever you have a pause or want to show emphasis. Commas or full stops work well for most pauses and italics or changing from narration to thought or dialogue word well for emphasis. Also, someone will probably disagree with me on the next couple points, but typical usage of an ellipsis is with a space afterward like this... You tend to connect it to the next word. Also there are a few times where you use punctuation after the ellipsis, like this...? If you are using the ellipsis correctly and the speech actually trails off into nothing, then you shouldn't need the additional punctuation.

Your dialogue seems to have a lot of Robot Devil syndrome, so I'll let him give some words on the subject. http://youtu.be/sFBhR4QcBtE
For example:
>Twilight's expression grew worried. “I hope nothing bad has happened...”
The first description is already telling and the dialogue parrots the same information in a way that makes the dialogue seem unrealistic.

>And with those parting words, a puff of smoke, and a pink blur, the premiere party pony prepared to produce prodigious portions of perfect pastries. For some reason, that exact phrase came into the mind of the other three ponies as they watched her dash off.
No. Just-- no.

More mechanical issues:

Watch for missed spaces around quotes.

>come her to ask
>come here to ask

You seem to miss leading vocative commas. When a character is referenced to direct the dialogue, you typically offset their name with commas. You seem to do this with the trailing comma, but not with the leading comma.
Some examples from your fic:
>so can I please Twilight, please,
>See you later Twilight! Bye Fluttershy, Rarity!
>so can I please, Twilight, please,
>See you later, Twilight! Bye Fluttershy, Rarity!

>“Right...here...”, Spike said,“Please... warn
Punctuation always goes inside of quotes, so if the quote ends with an ellipsis, it doesn't connect to the attribution with a comma. This goes for exclamation marks and question marks as well. You should only continue the quote with commas if it is a continuation of the same statement, so something like:
>"Right," Spike said, "here."
Finally, you use the ellipses to indicate pauses, not where Spike's voice trails off.
This statement would probably be best punctuated as:
>"Right. Here." Spike struggled to his feet. "Please, warn

Overall, I would say that a lot of your plot feels very forced, starting with the whole premise having the mane six and friends play professional soccer teams up through a lot of the reactions. Ideally, your characters responses should come from the character's predefined personality interacting with the situation. What you have now is a lot of strong arming the characters around to try to fit with a situation that doesn't make a lot of sense for them to be in. This truncates their personalities to the point that they seem like pretty much interchangeable cogs. You could switch in any eleven characters for the players and beyond needing a leader in Twilight's position, it wouldn't significantly change the plot. I think the best course of action would be to take a while to carefully consider why you have the mane characters there and whether the story would be stronger without them. If you choose to use them, make sure they are in there because they need to be there, not just because you want to put them there. Then rewrite with an eye toward ensuring the characters' actions are naturally motivated, keep the details you include relevant, keep the narration consistent, and make sure you show when is appropriate.

I'm not going to lie. This needs a lot of work on its foundation before it can become more than a flimsy shell of a story.

Keep writing and best of luck in the future.
>> No. 94456
Chapter Two running commentary
Random Octavia thought.
Camera shaking.
She has a talent for picking up sounds, yet you spent a quarter of a chapter showing how she tuned out noise.
Okay, so she's paranoid. You're playing it up too much.
Yes, Octavia. Get closer to the intruder instead of calling your parents. That's both safer and more likely to stop the intruder from whatever.
Yes, Octavia. Don't do anything about an intruder because you're bored.
“My lord”?
The father's manner of speaking to his daughter seems unnaturally formal.
The fuck is a wub-wub? Don't tell me that it's dubstep.
Not a filly? You called them foals last chapter. And since the narrator seems to be mostly Octavia, it'd be herself calling herself a foal.
Travelling is UK English. Traveling is US English.
The Germane schooling system sounds awful if they look down on making friends. Also, that would lead to a whole lot of things about Germane society that... wouldn't result in a pony with a personality like the father's, I don't think.
Well, that explains the father's personality. Sort of. I expected him to be an Equestrian native.
Octavia seems self-contradictory.
...Perpetual night? Is there something you're not telling us?
Last line seems unnecessary.

List of issues
With some but not all examples.

-Camera shaking.
>There were exactly 20 reasons she should turn back, and zero reasons she should keep going. However, one of Octavia’s most prominent aspects was her curiosity, which easily overpowered her sense of reason and forced her to continue towards her goal.

-Voice inconsistent.
>One that could easily kill or horribly injure a young filly, who had just as much fighting experience as… well she actually didn’t have any for that matter.
>There were exactly 20 reasons she should turn back, and zero reasons she should keep going.
>The thuds of bass had softened since its initial attack; now it existed only as a soft background noise, like a choir of electronic crickets, though it was still enough to annoy the sleep-deprived Octavia.
>There was no way to stop this until she spilled the beans.
>He brought his hoof to meet his daughter’s mouth, insisting that she let him speak his thoughts.

-Non sequiturs.
>...in which she was usually the victor.

-Characters' actions or dialogue driven by plot, not personal motive.
> However, one of Octavia’s most prominent aspects was her curiosity, which easily overpowered her sense of reason and forced her to continue towards her goal.
>Being honest with herself, she was slightly disappointed that she hadn’t had to scream because an intruder was stealing their valuables.

-Commas missing.
>That would be lovely father.
>I swear those city ponies have no idea how to organize.
>It’s alright father.

-Inconsistent Octavia.
>“I don’t like how I have to go to this new school with all those other less educated foals. It’s not fair for me to have to do that. I’m better than they are.”
>I completely agree, it was too dreary there for my liking.

>One that could easily kill or horribly injure a young filly, who had just as much fighting experience as… well she actually didn’t have any for that matter.
>She was getting so bored; she actually considered trying her luck at sleep again.

-Dialogue comes in chunks instead of being weaved in with narrative. Messes with pacing.
>He downed a quick swig of milk, wiping his lips before answering.
>“I want to know your opinion on the matter. I know it wasn’t fair of me for just making my decision without your or your mother’s consent, and I’ve been constantly regretting that. I know you hate me for it. You just said yourself how you’d prefer a Germane school.”

>“Don’t worry about that father, I understand. You did it for us, I know you did.”
>“Well, that might not be true.”
>“You already know that I will now be the second violin of the Equestrian Orchestra, right?”

-Ill-fitted word choices.
>His gaze intensified.
>compelling her to venture forward to figure out once and for all who it was.
>That would be lovely father.

-Comma splices in dialogue.
>I’m your father, I can tell.
>“Don’t worry about that father, I understand. You did it for us, I know you did.”
>I completely agree, it was too dreary there for my liking.

-No build up to Octavia being shocked by how her father said that she should make friends.
>(No example because it's a lack of something.)

-Octavia gets over it too damn fast, too.
>How could she listen to his words, and even try putting them into practice, when her entire life she’d been told the exact opposite? How could HE, of all ponies, say these things? She blew it off as just the fatigue talking.
>I completely agree, it was too dreary there for my liking.

Overall for chapter two
So Octavia talks to her father. The mood goes from “Oh, god, there's a robber in the house” to “Oh, there's some robber in the house” to “I'm glad everything's okay, (dad/kid).” Looks like the “character's dialogue sounds scripted” issue comes up mostly with Octavia (nearly all of her lines), though her father has a few lines of it when he says, “Now don’t be ridiculous. Friends are the best things a pony could ever have.” Instead of responding to “We can't make friends” with “Sure we can”, he responds with “Friends are great.” Also, block quotes are best left for formal essays. This either makes your pacing speed up too much or too bumpy, if there's many lines at a time or just one.

As for the perspective issue, you shouldn't be looking that deep into Octavia's mind and still be able to discern things like the father “insisting that [Octavia] let him speak his thoughts.” Sure, he tried to stop Octavia from speaking, and it seems obvious enough, but with phrases like this, you're going, “Yeah, that's what I meant for the father to do.”

If Octavia is supposed to be even slightly arrogant and haughty, it did not come off very well in the previous chapter.

I'm starting to see the Comedy, but yeah, I think you should drop it like you said.

Sorry for the short length and lack of actual content in this review (if I can call it that). I'm not used to not line-by-lining.

What the hay is wub-wub?

Chapter three ru—Wait. What? “We don't need no education?” What the fu—nning commentary
Interesting lead in, though I prefer my chapter openings to not feel like an extension of the last chapter's last paragraph.
>She gently nuzzled his face, reassuring the brooding stallion of his decision. His grin returned once more for the first time that night. In return for his words of wisdom, her simple reassurance seemed trifling in comparison, at least to her. But the look on his face attested otherwise.
This doesn't sound like she's very tired to me.
The caps is so overbearing that it makes reading the rest of the sentence it's in—both before and after “LONG”—rather difficult to read.
Spaced en dash? What are you, British?
This seems to use too many words to describe the situation.
“God-forsaken”? As much as I like this line because it keeps the classy voice... What “god”?
Camera: On Octavia, fairly deep in her thoughts, but not seeing everything to the point that we're hearing random thoughts unrelated to the story. Good, I'd say.
Walls have “apexes”?
All caps do not go well with your voice. Italics are better suited.
I dislike “spoke” as a speaking verb.
Did autocorrect get the squiggly on “facade” for you or did you type it in yourself/copy and paste it?
Glass eyes for Vinyl?
“Artistic”... Okay, what.
Caralot turns up dogs on Google.
Huh. Didn't this scene happen—oh, that was the other school fic. Wouldn't your Octavia be too proud to be embarrassed?
Eh, one line paragraphs for minor moments.
Just like that?

Duplicate issues across chapters may not be mentioned. Likewise, duplicate issues across chapters might get even less examples.

-Inconsistent voice
Erudite: This was, however, purely fortunate timing, and the next time she heard that god-forsaken trash she would personally track down the pony playing it and give them the longest lecture about contemporary music she could imagine.
Common: Luckily for her her go-to walking encyclopedia of pretty much everything had decided to tag along.
>Their beady little eyes scanned the new intruder like some sort of painting for everypony to just stare at.

-Paragraphs that should be together are disjoint
>Which was to say absolutely none.
>Luckily for her her go-to walking encyclopedia of pretty much everything had decided to tag along.

-Missing commas.
>Luckily for her her go-to walking encyclopedia of pretty much everything had decided to tag along.

-Random hyperbole.

-Filly/foal. You call her a foal here; she refused to be called a filly in the chapter prior to this one.

-My Suedar is beeping. I detect two major sources.
>It was similar, no, exactly like the looks she received when she’d performed Buck’s Symphony in E Minor flawlessly in front of an audience of adults, who couldn’t believe that the little filly was the source of the amazing sounds they were hearing.
> Crimson red baubles sat perched in this filly’s head, staring directly at her. They seemed too perfect to be eyes; they reminded Octavia too much of precious rubies, glimmering in the sunlight.
>She must’ve looked like a complete foal ogling that other filly like that.

-The chapter ends on a random note. It's like you cut it off here just because you thought your chapter had too many words as it was.

Overall points carry over from the major points of last chapter.
-That aside, the chapter seems to end... mid-chapter. Like you took a knife and hacked off the rest of the scene.
-Octavia's fascination of Vinyl is kind of creepy.
-Likewise, your description of Vinyl is also creepy. Like, “doll who comes to life at night” creepy.

(Sorry, but you're my guinea pig for reviewing methods that aren't line-by-line, so different review style for this chapter.)

-”That” missing between phrases. You do this a lot. When you have an independent clause following a verb or noun, you're probably going to need “that” to separate them. Examples: “I knew that he had a cat.” “The bread that I bought last week went stale.”

-Missing commas. Remember, commas go between a statement and its recipient as well as an interjection and the statement, regardless of order. “Hey, you!” “Um, I knew that.” “Shit, dude; you look like shit that another shit shat out.”

-Vinyl's cuteness comes off as flat and forced, like Nyx. She does random things and comes off as very one-dimensional.

-Octavia's characterization is all over the place. So is her manner of speaking. She goes from precocious to scared and crying to tsundere and back.

-Why does the teacher have her schedule?

-So this is set up like an American middle school, then?

-What is up with these non-pony names? Adagio? Francen? Caralot?

-Caralot seems to put up with a lot of shit in her class. I remember one of my teachers telling a student who was having a conversation in her class to “shut up.”

-One exclamation mark is enough. Always. Always. None of this “YEAH!!!” or anything of the sort.

-Voices are inconsistent. Not just narrative voice, but your characters' voices. Caralot's demeanor turns on a dime.

-Camera swaps constantly. We're seeing Octavia's thoughts then Scratch's thoughts then Octavia's again, and it gets really dizzying.

-Show, don't tell.

-Don't use all caps when italics will do. Which, in your case, is almost always. And I say “almost” in the same way that hand sanitizer kills “almost” all the bacteria it touches.

Random things:
>but there were so much small, indiscernible type and random markings
...so many small, indiscernible...

>“Don’t’ be so stubborn Tavi,”
-random apostrophe

>It was almost as if Octavia was some kind of closet masochist, with a preference of feeling pain in her forehead region.
-What the fuck did I just read?

Overall for chapters two through four: Well, I thought this would be nice and smooth like in the first half of the first chapter. Things getting turbulent, maybe resolved later, and giving a sense of tension that needs to be resolved up until that. And then Octavia turns into a Pokemon, starts acting tsundere, meets Scratch, and turns even more tsundere after meeting Vinyl Scratch. At least if I were to write an outline of what happened, the first half of chapter one and the second half of chapter two sounds good. Chapters three and four seem like two halves of the same chapter, and as Nietzsche said, “I really want to like Scratch, honestly. But when I look, there’s nothing there! She’s just a bundle of energy. Where’s the pony in there?” Scratch does not seem to have a motive to act on, not even “make friends with Octavia.” Instead of her reacting, you have her kind of acting.

Also, you lack description. I have no idea what the inside of the classroom looks like. Or where she is after the bell rings.

>“A disgusting blue mark on her right shoulder.”
I don't see this line so I have no idea what Nietzsche's talking about.

And that's what I have. I hope it helps. If I was rude at any point in this review, you have my apologies.
>> No. 94461

Wow, I never even saw that post until now. >_>

Thanks for the review. I understand the slow-motion problem that the first chapter has, and it's a bit of a dilemma for me since it's the biggest issue in the entire story. I'm working on speeding things up, but there is a lot of exposition needed for a lot of things, which makes perhaps 60% of all that blabbing actually necessary.

It goes to say, of course, that about 40% of it can be removed. I only expect to be able to remove about 25%, though, because the rest would take too much time and /effort and cause more problems than they'd solve.
Besides, the "action being unrelated to the conflict" thing is rather incorrect. The "nightmares" conflict is resolved here in the first chapter. The BIG conflict is being introduced with the rest of the action.

I don't see the "mildly incoherent narration" problem you're talking about. Might be due to overly advanced logic cores or something. Anyway, some details on this would be nice, otherwise I'll just dismiss it.

ReEN is undergoing major rewrites through the first chapter (mainly) at the moment. I will post back for second opinions when I'm done.
>> No. 94522
File 133329851428.jpg - (7.48KB , 240x210 , images2.jpg )
I'd like to take this one (Note: my trip my change, by the time my review it posted, to something with Haruha in it).
>> No. 94524

Thanks for the review.

Not gonna lie, I wouldn't be writing this story if not for EHL, but I think that my focus and plot are different enough from that story that it's not a carbon copy. The fic idea came about through a combination of far, far too much Inazuma Eleven, and reading a couple parts of EHL. I actually stopped reading EHL very early on once I decided I was going to write this, to avoid copying it in any way - If I don't know what it does in the future, I can't be copying it. I also had a big problem with EHL shoving the CMCs into opposing positions for moment drama, and being too wrapped up in hockey terms to appeal to a broader audience -- I am staying away from technicals as much as possible, and giving everyone preposterous super moves is a good way to do that.

I definitely will be exploring the relationships of the team -- this would be a pretty bland story if all I focused on were the actual games. Soccer with superpowers is a hook that makes the games themselves more interesting. As for soccer with superpowers not being believable, the work I'm taking inspiration from stars Junior High students -- only its own bizarre internal logic keeps the piece from collapsing under audience disbelief. I'm trying to mimic that style, and if your suspension of disbelief gets in the way, I'm not doing my job well enough.

Here have a video for reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQLEieFvhAo&feature=related

>Professional Soccer Team
I actually had a long, long, far too long interlude when Twilight studied explaining the concept of the ESA, and justifying why random towns get teams -- it killed the pacing of the story entirely, and I couldn't find a good place to fit the information in this chapter.

>Conceptual again
Let's be honest, this is a ridiculous concept. What better way to introduce it than through completely ridiculous actions on the part of the Mayor? (Who, for some reason, has always seemed like a funny character to me -- the type to not really consider her actions before doing them. Just a feel I got from what little we see of her character in every episode she appears.)

>Fluttershy volunteering
When initially writing the scene, that was the direction I planned to take things -- but the end result was that it just felt a lot like peer pressure on a weak-willed character. I would disagree that her method of joining is out of character as well -- Twilight is highly distracted, and Fluttershy is trying to yell to get her attention, she's just more successful here than Dragonshy or Last Roundup. I'll ask a few other friends of mine about the characterization, but I think it's believable as it stands. If the consensus comes back that it needs a rewrite, however, I am open.

I am definitely trying to avoid this, but it slips through the cracks sometimes.

>Verbatim thought/viewpoint switching
This is a habit of mine when writing. I've never found it to be intrusive or immersion breaking, but I can't say for sure when I picked it up. While I wouldn't call it my 'style', it's definitely a habit I will find difficult to break when jotting things down. Also, those aren't really meant to be verbatim thoughts so much as a peek into the thought 'process' of the character -- they aren't thinking those words specifically, but it's 'along those lines'. However, if people do find it immersion breaking or distracting, I have failed in my job as a writer -- I'll ask for a few more opinions going forward.

Also, my narration tends to toe the line between omniscient and limited -- this is probably a bad thing. I think it's called 'limited-omniscient'? Have access to some characters, but not all of them? Something like that.

>Ellipses and commas
Maybe it's just me, but I rarely read a comma as a pause. I've almost always used ellipses for halting speech patterns, because I feel that the additional space between words draws the eye and forces a 'hard' pause in the reader's mind. But then, maybe I'm just describing how I read, and not how the general public sees it.

>Amazing alliteration alluding to actions
Yeah, this was me trying for a joke relating to Pinkie's high energy, mind altering nature. I just like how incredibly silly it reads. I can probably cut the second sentence, because that is basically going "THIS WAS THE JOKE AND ALL THE CHARACTERS JUST GOT THE JOKE"

>Forced plot and reactions
Oh frig yes the plot is forced. I make no secret of the fact this is an absolutely terrible idea that I am basically writing because it entertains me, and might entertain others -- maybe I should add the 'random' tag. I disagree on character reactions though -- I don't believe anyone is acting in a forced way, or inconsistently with their personality. I took a lot of trouble to make sure I got the Mane 6 down, especially, re-watching a number of episodes for examples of how they behave in specific situations, and considering fanon interpretations. My original draft, in fact, was far too adhered to what we know, basically tiptoeing at any character moment afraid to fall off the "OOC" cliff, and it read, to quote Applejinx, like the characters were 'going through the motions'. My rewrite focused more on making sure the characters were, well, themselves, while still getting them into this insane plot. Now, if you feel they are out of character, I have failed in that task -- but I would like specific examples of 'character x would never behave that way'. I know you've already pointed out Celestia and Fluttershy though I disagree on both counts, but what were some specific actions or dialogue that triggered a 'not buying it' response in you?

>Mane characters
I have a philosophy when it comes to fanfiction -- if the main cast is present, and you focus more on original characters than them, you are doing it wrong. I know that a lot of people disagree on this, but my goal here is to have this entire fic read as a believable 'sidestory season', while still being completely preposterous in its premise. I can't do that focusing on an OC team. There are OCs planned for the future, yes, but generally only to fill out the rosters, with a couple exceptions.

I'd also disagree that you could swap in any 11 characters -- again, one of my primary focuses going forward is going to be interpersonal relationships on the team, and how it comes together. Derpy's self-doubt, the Cutie Mark Crusaders wanting to back out a couple weeks in, Rainbow's issues as a striker, and Twilight discovering that being a captain isn't just about organization and strategy are some notable plots I have planned going forward -- I have a three act structure, and the entire story sketched out in notes.

The mane 6 are absolutely in this plot because I wanted to put them there, but I've tried to justify them being there within their personalities as well -- I guess I'm trying to have it both ways. Once more, if this is distracting or hurts suspension of disbelief, I've failed in my task as a writer, and will need to adjust it until it's more believable.

Overall, I absolutely understand that this fic, and this concept in general, isn't going to appeal to everyone -- it probably won't appeal to most people, in fact. But it's very much in the realm of Popcorn storytelling -- It's easy for me to write, and ideally, it's easy for others to read. Hopefully that explains my logic behind this story.

Again, thanks for the review.
>> No. 94571
Both Broznik and Arby Works PMed me on FimFic. So I know they got my reviews.
>> No. 94573
File 133331314267.jpg - (14.21KB , 225x275 , 132280606478.jpg )

Bullets, brace yourself. I didn't like you fanfic very much. However, I didn't read your other parts, so that may have something to do with it, but in general, I'm thinking it was just sort of boring.

The bad
Let's start with setting. You spent a good page and a half to describe the setting to me, and that's going to make you lose 90% of your readers right there. The weapons were described in detail. The setting was described in detail, and ultimately it didn't matter. Not only is this not a very popular thing to do in contemporary writing (because it's freaking boring), it didn't matter. They lost their position right away. Their hill top advantage? Unimportant. The fact that there was snow? Pointless. The fact that it was night? Completely ignored. Why even tell us about it? I understand that you pictured this when writing it, and you did a great job of explaining things, but that's the problem. You shouldn't explain things so much as you should give subtle cues to the readers so they can make believe the rest. If you delete the whole first page and replace it with "It was a cold night. Luna's battalion awaited the coming battle." It would have achieved the exact same effect.

The second major problem I saw in your fanfic was the lack of characterization. Luna gave all of these motivational lines, but we don't feel for Luna at all. Nothing she says inspires the reader because the reader doesn't care - outside of what they already feel for Luna from watching the show. The enemy? We don't know anything about them, and we don't hate them, like you suggest we should. I get that this is stuff that might have been built up in the earlier chapters, but it didn't bleed through here. Also, every single one of your characters appears to be a Mary Sue. You've only got 3 of them: Luna, Skyfrost and Thunder, but all of them seem to be amazing at battle. Two of them sustain fatal wounds, then they both punch some ponies in the face. Thunder even has an unusual knowledge of metal and locks when he decides to kick open a prison door. Luna is constantly dodging projectiles and stuff. They're all Goku, except even Goku dies.

Finally, a big thing you need to work on is pacing. Read this: http://www.fictionfactor.com/guests/pacing.html

One of your major flaws is that you seem to explain EVERYTHING! Stop it. You need to have interesting rhythms to your writing that keep the reader interested. Instead, what you have is a lot of cumbersome narration in the middle of fight scenes. For example, you shouldn't say "their blood mixed in a pool" right after they slash each other. You should say it later, as you did when you described that Skyfrost was disgusted that their blood mixed.

The good:
Your grammar is refreshing. Normally people have horrible grammar, but I only caught one consistent mistake. You need to read up on how dialogue gets punctuated. You should not end a quote with an ellipsis unless you mean to start it again later. If the quote ends and you mean to say "Thunder said" or something like that, then you end with a comma. If you mean for the quote to end, then you simply put a period at the end and start the next sentence right next to it.

You displayed the ability to show. You just didn't do it all of the time.
>> No. 94577
Thanks for the review. Every review helps and with each new reviewer, more and more flaws are pointed out. I'll address the points you have brought up to improve this chapter. Cheers. :)
>> No. 94582
File 133331475752.png - (54.41KB , 701x600 , 132356119577.png )
This looks ridiculously interesting. I'm going for a back-to-back!
>> No. 94584
File 133331605783.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
(No post, so I'm going to post my remaining stories for my own convenience: >>93048 / >>93471 / >>93728)

You need to hyphenate compound adjectives. "scot-free," "ice-cold," etc.

There were a few sentences here and there that were passive tense that should've been active tense. Look for anything that was "subject was verbing" when you could write "subject verbed."

The pacing of this story was mostly tip-top, but I noticed that the entire second scene dragged considerably. I think that, if you were to summarize it, you could point out how everyone was going along merrily, oblivious to the screams and pounding that they couldn't hear. Then, the horror would get more weight and resonate more with the reader.

I would also like to commend your antagonist's logic. Fire can damage it, so it goes after Spike "first." Not a lot of writers think things through like that.

My main problem with the writing of story is that Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash feel out-of-character. Pinkie's too mellow, and Rainbow sounds flat. Perhaps something happened to them in the first two chapters, I don't know. I'd look at all of your character's dialogue and make sure that it sounds like the characters from the show, just to be sure.

Insofar as a crossover with My Little Pony and "The Thing," though, this works without necessarily being a copy/paste crossover. Bravo.
>> No. 94586
File 133331889603.jpg - (258.37KB , 1600x1333 , 148330 - artist thedracojayproduct Madame_Pinkie pinkie_pie.jpg )

First off, I like it when poems rhyme =(

Second off, there was no rhythm =(

Third off, I had a hard time getting into this, but once I started to read the voice in the character's voices, it started to come to life. For something like this, I think you need to read it yourself into a mic. Only you know the pacing and rhythm that the words should be read with.

The only other comment is that I didn't quiet understand what was going on with the centered paragraphs. I think they were quotes, but it seemed like discord was quoting something too, so that made me unsure.

Oh! And I felt that there were some sentences that were cut off in poor places. ie. the sentence would start, and then the
would cut to the next line.

See what I mean? It makes it harder to read aloud.

I really do like the concept, and the story is fine. The characters are fine. The idea is cool, but it lacks feeling on paper. It reads like a Shakespeare play. So treat it like one. Get yourself on a mic and present!
>> No. 94587
I said it would be interesting to know Matilda's back story, but it's not necessarily essential to this particular story. If you wanted to deal with her in a separate fic, it would make a nice companion story to this one. "Call Me, Call Me" can effectively deal with the conflict entirely from Cranky's point of view, depending on what additions you make that might require that level of involvement from her.
>> No. 94588
File 133331916922.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
"Is" gets capitalized in titles.

Note: I haven't read the first three chapters, so if I find a plothole or something, it may or may not be something you brought up in earlier chapters.

Grammar stuff:
-Two spaces after each sentence are unnecessary. Three spaces are overkill.

How do these ponies open cans?

Okay, so apparently, this is the climax of a romance story. One where, apparently, Fluttershy has been worried for (I'll give you chapter one as "she finds out she likes Dash") two chapters now. For all of that worrying that I assume due to this being chapter four alone, this feels way too easy. Now, granted, it IS Fluttershy, who has her own personal issues to work out before getting out of bed in the morning, but still. Dash doesn't even bat an eye at the confession, she's just like, "Oh. Okay. I wonder what our friends think?"

I'd definitely expand on her reaction; as it is, this scene reads extremely flat, simple, and emotionless.

Moving on, the necklace is also slightly contrived. I mean, Fluttershy goes to visit Dash and confess her feelings? I can accept that, after three chapters (note: I'm suspending disbelief and assuming your first three chapters were perfectly-written) of "getting ready to." But Dash happens to have a beautiful, thoughtful gift for Fluttershy, and Dash happens to give it to her when she's on the verge of a confession? That's a little tough to swallow.

Overall, I'd say this chapter needs an overhaul. There's room to make this more emotional (remember to show, not tell), there's room to make this flow, and there's room to omit the necklace entirely (which really, you should save for when they've been dating for a while. More impact). Right now, this feels very shallow, and very forced. You need to expand on the emotions, and give weight to the reveal that Fluttershy is gay for her friend.

And please give Dash a non-robotic "Okay" response.
>> No. 94592

Thank you for the time for looking at this piece. I have made some of the changes which you stated in your comments on the piece.

Now concerning the middle parts, they are not quotes unless I clearly place a " " around the saying. If they're in italics, they are just to show to the reader that this part is important to the poem.

I know that the poem doesn't rhyme, and the meters keep changing depending on the person, but I mainly wanted to place the poem in a sort of a "epic poem" stance, so that meant no rhyming.

Also, parts that are cut off are to keep the pentameter flowing throughout each line, so I did some enjambments.

I will give some more stuff on this later.
>> No. 94595
File 133332389936.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
Nix the italics in the first scene. You've got a line break, that's ample evidence that "time has passed."

On second thought, nix the entire first scene. It's interesting, but it doesn't add anything to the story other than "Filthy Rich is Diamond Tiara's father." It also adds a lot of questions to avid readers about the intricacies of pony birth, which... yeah. I wouldn't go there without due cause, and there are easier ways to mention that "Filthy Rich is Diamond Tiara's father" than a cliched "is the baby okay?" childbirth scene.

"Plonked" is not a formal word.

How are bits divided into smaller denominations? I thought they were just the coins.

Anyway, there's not much else that's wrong, so I'll address your four requests:

>The main aspect I want looked at is Filthy's characterization. Does he come across as sympathetic? Is he convincing both as a character and according to his canonical portrayal? Would you want to read on and find out more about him?
As it's told from his point of view, yes, I understand his motives. "Realistic?" Sure. "Sympathetic?" Not really, because everything's going right in his life. Probably the sorriest I felt for him was during his confrontation with his daughter, which all things considered, felt natural. "Reading on" has something to do with the pacing on this story, but I'm getting to it.

>Secondly, I'd like to be told how Diamond Tiara's portrayal holds so far, and I want the same questions answered.
Eh. She's a bitch in the show, she's a bitch here. Overall, she's an uninteresting character in the show, you'd have to do work to make her interesting.

>Thirdly, general pacing. I don't want the story to feel rushed, but neither do I want it to drag. If there are scenes which feel out of rhythm, I'd like them drawn to my attention.
Here's your biggest fault, I think. You had ~4k words in this chapter, and you introduced the next chapter as, "Father and daughter are going to the opera." You told us how Diamond Tiara was born and how Filthy Rich's business works, but those are completely unrelated to the opera plot. I think you spend too much time introducing the characters (including the hospital scene, which I still can't see the purpose for other than making me think of the mechanics and postures involved for a laboring mare).

>Fourthly, I would like any gaffs in punctuation, grammar, spelling, and stylistics pointed out. This is a low priority request, but it's a good idea for me to nip recurring errors in the bud all the same.
The only thing that distracted me was that you didn't put a . after "Mr Rich" in one scene.

The part where Filthy tells his daughter, "I've only given you the best!" seems... like, is that supposed to be a breaking point of his? It felt excruciatingly flat. If it wasn't, it definitely sounded unnatural, then, like, "I'm announcing my feelings!"
>> No. 94597
File 133332424212.png - (113.20KB , 404x380 , twilightsbboatingschool.png )

Hey, Sebbaa, if you happen to see this, I'm still finishing up the review. I'll try to have all content you provided thoroughly reviewed within the next few days. Sorry about the wait; real life stuff getting in the way and whatnot has hindered my ability to get this done.
>> No. 94607

Wow. Credit where credit is due, this is one efficient thread. I thought I pulled my story out of the queue shortly after posting, but I guess I did it wrong.

So, and I say this mostly intentionally given the reviewer, I did not see the review coming.

Anywho, thank you for the read and review. I'll get to work on the grammar parts and trimming down that second section. I do see what you mean there. When I started writing I intended for it to be considerably shorter, pretty much just "everypony's distracted, Scootaloo gets to one of them without the others noticing". I'll give cutting that one down a go.

In regards to Rainbow Dash, I'll try to spice up what she's saying (when you say flat, do you refer more to her actions or more to her dialogue?). As for Pinkie, how she's acting is fairly intentional, though I'll try to give her more bounce as well, since it isn't supposed to be so obvious until another chapter or so down the line.
>> No. 94615
File 133332938787.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
By "Mildly Incoherent Narration," I mean that you're writing, but you're not really telling a story. You're setting scenes and showing that things ARE happening, but it's all disjointed and, other than "I dream of Ponies," it's unrelated.

I meant her dialogue. The little actions here and there were a nice touch.
>> No. 94635
File 133333192232.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )

>red scaled armor
should be
>red, scaled armor
>red-scaled armor

>asked to Woodmane.
This... is interesting. It's wrong, granted, but this is the first time this week that I've seen a transitive verb used as an intransitive one. Remove "to."

The bold/italic intro to chapter one could be made regular text and not alter much. By "infamous," it's clear that it's an antagonist speaking.

>"Didn't I told you I was the most awesome and fastest pegasus alive?"
This doesn't sound like Rainbow Dash. Also, you're recycling her introduction from the show.

Okay, I'm going to stop reading at chapter one. I've already accrued five issues that you need to fix, and I'm going to bet that if they're here in the first two chapters, they're in the rest of the story.

First, you have an annoying habit of remaining ambiguous about the scene's focal character's name. For example, in chapter one, you follow Woodmane, yet he isn't referred to by name until he introduces himself, almost an entire 8.5" * 11" page into the chapter. There's nothing to be gained from not introducing your narrating characters as soon as possible.

Related to the first critique is your habit of referring to several characters by their species and color. This gets grating very quickly as you're not adding to the information present in the narration, you're just saying "blue pegasus" instead of "Rainbow Dash." Either use pronouns, use full names, or use NOTHING if you can make it absolutely certain who is speaking.

Secondly, you have a habit of "telling" instead of "showing." What this basically means is that you're stating that an event happened in the most obvious way possible. While this is an acceptable method of getting the information across, a better way to inform the reader is to narrate the action and its effects--"showing" the action instead of "telling" it.

For example,
>The dust that rose from the impact made visibility very complicated.
could be written as
>Thick dust rose from the impact, blocking sight.

This sentence also gets bonus criticism for being "passive tense" instead of "active tense." In short, "passive tense" is saying what is constantly going on in an environment: There was a loud, buzzing sound. Active tense should be used to describe events in the narration, because they're the events that are happening. A loud, buzzing sound filled the room.

Third, your characters aren't entirely in-sync with the characters from the episode. Rainbow Dash felt too stupidly full of herself. Rarity felt too pushy (though only marginally). Ironically, this is at juxtaposition to your reuse, basically, of Season 1 Episode 1, in how Twilight meets Pinkie and Rainbow Dash.

Fourth, for a main character, after reading the first chapter, I know very little about Woodmane.

Fifth and finally, you aren't very descriptive with the environment and actions in your scenes. Especially at the end of chapter one, you devolve into "Talking Heads," which is basically "the only thing happening is dialogue." Unless it's established that everyone is completely immobilized, ponies should be doing something while talking. Hell, even if it's just the heads, you can punctuate dialogue by narrating inflections, pauses, and expressions.

Your environments were also slightly lacking, so when you go back to fix them by adding in more scene-setting, remember the rule of "show don't tell."
>> No. 94640
File 133333254456.jpg - (5.38KB , 75x75 , In Transit HQ.jpg )
I heard you could use a lift.
>> No. 94641
File 133333262644.jpg - (3.36KB , 160x148 , Ghost_Reporting.jpg )
>Looks at the queue. 2 unclaimed, 14 in-progress
Yeah, I'm done here.
>> No. 94642
File 133333274403.jpg - (40.67KB , 500x371 , nPs8L.jpg )
>> No. 94643
File 133333297014.jpg - (5.38KB , 75x75 , In Transit HQ.jpg )
>>94166 / >>94169
>> No. 94664
yet, I was expecting this.
I don't know if you'll care, but I made some background about Woodmane in the second chapter (don't know if that helps, just saying)
Anyway, thanks.
>> No. 94701
Tags: Comedy, Random, Adventure

When the new Mare-Do-Well overhears a plot to con Ponyville, she must use all of her skills and the help of the CMC to stop the Flim Flam Brothers and Diamond Dogs from ruining life for the town.

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/9541/The-silence...of-Mare-Do-Well

Reviewable chapters: 1-3

Comments: I have not yet hit the 3000 word mark that allows access to EQD. Before breaking that barrier I would like some assistance in giving the fans of the site something worth reading. So far it has been entirely self edited so any outside view would be useful. My main problem is story strength. My fic seems funny, but without randomly describing things out of nowhere I can't figure out how to give it more backbone.
>> No. 94702

Just how many dang times am I gonna have to resubmit this thing?

The reason why Dash has the necklace now and wants to give it to Fluttershy is explained in the chapter. Though its possible I didn't explain it as well as I should have. Also it seems to me like you kinda think this is the final chapter. I have at least one, maybe two more chapters left. So hopefully the next two are better.

Thank you for the review. Gonna give it one more look over and try sending it off to EqD, as I feel I have delayed and reworked this chapter enough as is. Seriously it feels like I have put more work into this one chapter than I have in the other three. So if the pre-readers don't like it, will probably be back.

Wish me luck.
>> No. 94709

Just posting this as a reminder to reviewers. I would like to have this reviewed as soon as possible. Later this week I will be going on vacation and I will not have access to a computer (I'm not paying for a hotel's).
I would like to get this back into EQD before I leave so when I come back I can get a response.

>> No. 94745
Tags: Adventure, Human in Equestria


With so few humans left in the world, one might not expect that among their handful a master thief resides.

James, an average-looking traveling musician, is such a thief. With his sights set on the Grand Galloping Gala just a few months away, He attempts a crime worthy of legend, but will his resolve hold out under the pressure? As his plan unfolds in the midst of an unsuspecting Ponyville, James can only hope that nopony will discover his secret as he attempts to make friends with the locals; a decision that will cost him dearly.

Will the mane six figure out James' nefarious plot before it is too late, or will he slip away into the night with the greatest of Equestria's treasures?

Notes: I only need Chapter 3 reviewed, so I left a google doc file for it.

Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/a/g.uky.edu/document/d/1-zAnfhgGoBqkfu5K1IKsDSe26FKvGNNvh-FuShrHYsc/edit

However, if you get confused on a plot point the other chapters are on Fimfiction, so I'll leave a link to that too, but chapter three isn't there. Only on the google doc.

A Thief Named James: http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=referrers&story=13733

But you don't have to review those chapters. Just the third one. Also, chapter 3 isn't finished. I just want your opinion on how the pacing, the grammar, and overall structure and flow of the piece is going so far.

>> No. 94755
Ah, right. Overarching Ambitious Plot Syndrome.

Yes, I might've skipped a bit on the red thread of these initially. I'm working on fixing that up majorly in the next update. That'll probably be up in a week, since I'll be off skiing for the rest of this one, during which I will do edits on the off hours.

So, eh. Next monday it is, i hope.
>> No. 94757
File 133336571321.jpg - (3.41KB , 125x118 , 132780882137s.jpg )
Strictly speaking, your fic is still under my claim. I haven't had time to get to the 3rd chapter, but I will eventually. Did you read my review of your prologue and chapter 1?
>> No. 94786

Didn't know if you still had it or not. The queue had erased the entry so I merely assumed.

But if you are still reviewing then you are more than welcome to continue. I did in fact see you post on the prologue and first chapter, and I left an acknowledgement near the end of the last thread (just before this one was created).

I you don't have to read it, as it's kind of lengthy, but to summarize I said that you did a great job reviewing, the age was changed to "unmentioned" instead of eighteen, the grammatical errors were fixed, and basically everything else you mentioned.

The guy is still human though. But if you want my reasons, or still feel counter to my decision, then the acknowledgement is here.


So I suppose if you want to claim it you can. I didn't completely abandon you. This post was only for chapter 3, so I was still holding out some hope if you wanted to finish chapter 2 :)
>> No. 94817
Just wondering if anyone's claimed my story yet. I'm eager to get some outside eyes on it. If it has, please disregard.
>> No. 94818
It's not on the queue. You need to fill out the submission form in order to get a review. (Top of thread, below List of TTG regulars)
>> No. 94823
File 133339103422.gif - (40.78KB , 548x400 , derpy2.gif )
Ah-ha. RTFM, got it. :)

>> No. 94856
File 133341473175.png - (103.94KB , 1600x900 , Story post.png )
Hewwo! I accidentally a story! Please reads and yes!

Title: The Next to the Last Unicorn

Description: It has been over twelve-hundred years since Amalthea was saved by the powerful magic of her long dead human friend. With King Haggard dead, and the Red Bull banished to the sea, all was at peace for the world of the utopian unicorns and mythical creatures alike. But when Amalthea returns to the ancient places of her memories, she unknowingly releases the full power of the beast once cast away.

With unfathomable power, and the soul of a mad king within its enraged form, the Red Bull will stop at nothing to accomplish its long overdue goal to bring its denomic soul to a peaceful rest.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/18326/The-Next-to-the-Last-Unicorn

Just so you know, this is a "The Last Unicorn" crossover. If it were possible, could I get a reviewer who has actually seen the movie first? If it is not possible, then I am fine with a regular reviewer so long as doesn't mind a little ponce in the storyline.
>> No. 94857
File 133341480009.png - (49.50KB , 109x123 , 132166250039s.png )
Ah, okay. Gotcha. You flatter me so. :blush:

That sort of artistic vision, I can respect. Very well. You still need to introduce an explanation for the existence of humans as naturally-occuring, I feel. Maybe a journal or a history book about pre-Celestial man-hunting, surprise Grimdark! that allows you to build on it more, something that can add depth to this world of yours. You're only 3000 words in. Plenty of reader mileage to go before people start asking questions in a bad way.

I'll say it again, your writing is impressive. Reading this has been and, I think, will be a pleasure.

I do hope to get Chapter 2 reviewed today. We'll see how it goes. =P
>> No. 94863
Probably should make this official. Review done in document.

(Actually still ongoing, but I'm going to stay onboard for quite some time.)
>> No. 94868
Second opinion request: I'd like a fan of superhero power fantasy (like Superman) to take a look at chapters four and five. I can't really tell if it's good power-sue or bad power-sue.

Flash summary of ch 1-3
(So there's this mad scientist character who's trying to "blend" ponies togeter to make alicorns. He abducts the CMC, and his experiment pretty much works. After the M6 rescue the fillies, Twilight's unblending is less than perfect, and they retain some of each other's magic, making them Blessed with Suck)


First arc: Well, here we go, another terrible juvenile grimdark with crappy bad guys...


In short: very cool ideas that fall apart in execution. Also, you've kinda broken my ability to review this, so you'll probably want a second opinion.

Here's what you're trying to write:
The Seven Tribes
A lost tribe of ponies resurfaces from ancient history, itching to settle a score with the alicorns. When a mad scientist abducts Scootaloo and her friends, they gain magic no normal fillies should have, and the orphan once known as March Ninth finds a home and a purpose.

(superpony powers)(scootalove)(shoo-bee-doo)(Rainbow Dash is best griffin)

Here's the easy stuff to criticize:

- Your mechanics are merely acceptable, not perfect. (get a better editor)
- Your language usage can be improved, especially by the avoidance of an excess of nominalization which seems to be the status quo. (get a better editor)
- Show more.
- The first arc made me want to quit. And hit things. It's that bad. (consider cutting it entirely)

My difficulty is with the genre. This is "Power Fantasy:" a formerly downtrodden character has some authority / influence / freeze ray / whatever and proceedes to kick some righteous flank. My normal instinct as a critic is to terminate Sues with extreme prejudice, but this is a genre that runs on the little blighters. Scoots and Rainbow are total Sympathy Sues, and Scoots also has the whole super-special superpower thing going on top of that.

I should hate them. Instead, I love them, and I guess that means you're doing something right even if I can't analyze it. (This is very frustrating.)

- do not be afraid to let them fail (Scoot shouldn't do very well in that upcoming griffin skateboarding thing)

- especially allow them to make moral mistakes (I get the sense that Celestia might actually be in the moral wrong...)

- seriously consider further developing Sweetie and AB -- better than making it just the RainbowDashAndScootaShow


Now, as far as editing goes, were talking about copyediting at the least, which goes something like this:

-- before --

"Hi Applejack, Hi Big Macintosh, Hi Granny Smith." Apple Bloom greeted as she walked into the old farm house.

"Howdy Apple Bloom. You made it back just in time for dinner." Applejack greeted. The family was sitting down to a big garden salad meal. Apple Bloom jumped onto her usual seat. Soon everypony had their share and began talking.

Apple Bloom glanced around to see if anypony was watching her. When she was sure she wasn't being watched, she let go of the fork she was holding. It hung in mid air supported by a green aura. "I wonder if I can eat with magic." She thought to herself. Focusing she tried pushing the fork down. It clattered to the table making the family turn and look at her.

"Sorry. Dropped it." She said turning orange with embarrassment.

-- after --

"Hi, Applejack. Hi, Big Macintosh. Hi, Granny Smith," Apple Bloom said as she walked into the old farm house.

"Howdy, Apple Bloom. You made it back just in time for dinner," Applejack said.

The family had sat down to a big garden-salad meal. Apple Bloom jumped onto her usual seat. Soon, everypony's share had been served, and the family began talking.

Apple Bloom glanced around to see if anypony was watching her. When she was sure nopony was, she let go of her fork. It hung in mid air supported by a green aura. I wonder if I can eat with magic, she thought to herself. Focusing, she tried to lower the fork. It clattered to the table, and everypony turned to look at her.

"Sorry. Dropped it," she said, turning orange with embarrassment.

Your prose is still, mm, rather dry. I often do not get a sense of place, which would be a very nice thing to have. I dunno, don't you want your scenes to feel more like this?


"Apple Bloom! Supper's ready!" Applejack's voice carried up the stairs.

Apple Bloom bounded from her bed, leaving the book she was reading open face down, and descended the stairs with a happy clatter of hooves. Her bow sprung with each step as she inhaled the aroma of the main course: squash roasting under a dressing of lemon and rosemary.

When she took her place, Big Macintosh was already dishing out the salad: rich green letuce garnished with bright red slivers of radish and purple shreds of cabbage. Applejack was uncorking a growler of cider, and Granny sat at her place patiently.



Turn on my sensory imagination, please!

But, that's more of a writer-development thing, which is very difficult to do with a long story.

Suggestions for improvement tomorrow, since it's getting late for me.
>> No. 94877

Just a heads up, I also added this to Google Docs with comments enabled:


Also, how does one get his or her fics known using Google Docs? Since I see a lot of links to Google Doc fics (more often than on FIMFiction, a site specifically designed for fics).

>> No. 94879

Get featured somewhere. (EqD?)
>> No. 94882
It appears that when you requested to have "Behind a Sunny Face" removed from the queue, someone removed "Cross My Heart and Hope to Fly" as well. Recommend you fill out the submission form again so it gets added to the spreadsheet. The queue's pretty short right now, so it won't cost you much time.
>> No. 94896
A lot of authors use Google Docs for their work-in-progress fics (for useful features like autosaving, formatting and comments) and then put them on FIMfic when they're presentable. Basically all of the fics here are still work-in-progress, so that's why they're all in GDocs.

If you'll notice, FIMfiction's editor even has a "Import from Google Docs" button (which has saved me so much time).

GDocs was also the main fic host before FIMfic existed (because bronies rightly decided they were too good for FF.net) - most of the older stories on Equestria Daily are in Google Docs. There are those readers who prefer GDocs to FIMfic. I did until HTML downloading.
>> No. 94901

Thanks, I re-added my story.
>> No. 94907
File 133344022925.jpg - (127.35KB , 1280x1024 , Lyra132640934273.jpg )
[shipping][human in Equestria]

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/12225/No%2C-you%5C%27re-a-unicorn.-Now-act-like-one!

Synopsis: Lyra is a normal human girl with no direction in her life. But when she gets transported to Equestria, she's turned into a unicorn. Will she be able to adjust to life as a pony? And will she find a softer side to Bon Bon, the earth pony who gets mad at her at the drop of a hat?
>> No. 94963
It's been eight days since I submitted for a review, just wondering about when it will be done or to remind you about it with this link
thank you!
And yes, I realize the reviewers are busy, just wondering.
>> No. 94968

It's being worked on.
>> No. 94971

Hello there! This is your reviewer Dublio tuning in for another review. Instead of rambling on like I always do, I'll just post my thoughts on your story instead. Without further ado, here you go.


Is this a complete story or just chapter 1? Your fimfiction says incomplete so I'll assume that it is. That and since it's only 1700ish words and resolves absolutely nothing. As it is, it sounds more like a writing exercise than a story, but we'll see what happens when I read it.

I don't see much of the point in the first three paragraphs which I assume is your prologue... or something. It sounds like an unimportant info dump which doesn't tell me anything specific except for the fact that the city life is busy and wonderous. Since I'm being told that something is amazing and I can't see it for myself, I guess I'll have to rely on your word about it. The last paragraph in particular doesn't have much of a reason to be there.

>The life in Manehattan was truly glamorous, but what about all of the other stuff that was hidden? The truly grimy and disgusting things to the most breathtaking sights... nopony paid attention to those, since they weren't important. Not important at all...

If they weren't important, why mention it at all? Is your narrator being sarcastic and unreliable? Also, try to reword it because saying "stuff" is so vague and unengaging. Let my fellow reviewer Uma explain.

Uma's quote: Stuff is quite possibly the most generic phrase in existence. It takes my imagination out behind the shed and makes it sit in a corner for several days, without food or water, and then mildly asks it to go on a nice vacation to the Sahara desert where it can appreciate true scenery.

-end quote-

Anyhoo, my point is that your intro doesn't catch the reader's interest as well as it could be.

>in front of her very being.

delete these, they are filler words.

>The young mare rested, chewing on a toothpick as the majestic anad ever glorious, fascinating sun rose and the darkness of Luna's night gradually disappeared, leaving no indication that it was never there in the first place.

Couple things:

> majestic anad ever glorious

I'm sure that's a typo for "and."

2) majestic and ever glorious, fascinating sun rose

I'm not sure what makes the sun glorious or incredible besides the fact that you are telling me so. Is it because of the way it looks or something else?

3) darkness of Luna's night.

Please don't use this. It's a bad cliche. Other cliches are Celestia's sun and Luna's moon.

4) leaving no indication that it was never there in the first place.

I think you mean "ever." Also, what is the point of this sentence? Sounds like more filler to me.

>don't go crying on me now..

ellipsis is three periods.

>The memories of her in that small room, peering out of that tiny window into the busy nightlife of Manehattan... looking across to her old home and tears dripping down her face... it was a mesmerizing feeling, Applejack thought, how she used to be back then, and how she was now... and what would have happened if Rainbow Dash hadn't performed that sonic rainboom and shown her the way back home...

Please don't overuse the ellipses as doing them too much makes me think I'm watching a stuttering cat and the constant pauses get irritating. Not to mention that ellipses are normally acceptable in dialogue but are normally frowned upon in narrative. You can normally change the way you write the sentence and use commas to indicate pauses instead.

>the cyan pegasus with the rainbow colored hair

We know you're talking about Rainbow Dash. Be careful about using too many descriptors for characters instead of pronouns and names. Otherwise you get this nasty trait called "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome." Let my fellow reviewer Vanner explain.


Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just
remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better
writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

-end quote-

Now I'm not actually sure if you have this problem or not yet since your story is really short. I'll have to see more of your writing to find out. In the meantime, just be aware of it.

>The rest of the story

Your entire story is frankly very telling and kinda boring as it only retreads information that everyone who has already watched the show knows about. Instead of feeling emotions, I feel like I'm watching someone being melodramatic as they relay a list of events that happened in their lifetime. Although fascinating to them, it's uninteresting to everyone else. Kinda like baby pictures actually.

Mostly, the story doesn't really have anything happen. All you see is an introduction that has no seen connection with the rest of the story as well as AJ telling herself about her friends (despite the fact that she is already aware of her friends and all they did). Did something happen that I'm unaware of? Did the group grow apart? How many years later is this? What caused AJ to start reminiscing? There's usually a single major event that causes people to re-evaluate their lives. Why not use that as an intro instead of whatever you had there before.

Anyhoo, she's thinking about her friends until she finally falls asleep. So nothing really happens and I'm wondering what the point was. As a writing exercise, it's a good start but it's not actually a story yet. Like I mentioned before, I'm pretty sure it's an incomplete story as this is more like a single scene instead of a chapter. A first chapter must be catching and ending with the protagonist falling asleep is a very bad way to do that. You want to compel the reader into moving onto the next chapter. If he feels like he has a chance to take a break, chances are that he'll never get around to reading the rest.

Anyhoo, I'm not entirely sure what you wanted to get reviewed. The story tells me nothing that I don't already know and in such an uninteresting way too. Just from reading your story, there were also many errors that you missed while writing it. Those happen of course, so don't sweat it, but be aware of them. They're mostly all errors that can be caught with proofreading since they're misspelled words and all. If you want a review that's actually helpful, I'm afraid that you're going to have to write more than this since this is barely a story.

Still, you get an "A" for effort. Don't stop writing. :)
>> No. 94977
alright thanks! much appreciated!
>> No. 94982
I have one thing to ask, can you please make a google doc of your review?
>> No. 94998
I'll grab this one. Lucky you. Or unlucky you. Probably a little of both. Expect a post Friday or (probably) Thursday.
>> No. 95004

Sure, I can do that.


While I'm here, I'll go claim >>94907 since it's nice and short. It's AzuNyan's Lyra fic. :D
>> No. 95007
File 133349767364.png - (176.88KB , 498x273 , paradiselost.png )
"And here we ... go!"

This fanfic was created after all the feedback I recieved from my previous work: Uprising. Trust me, this one is a lot better.

Title: Paradise Lost

Synopsis: A lie begets a lie, and the world is protected by one. This is the story of those who keep Equestria on track, creating the opportunities that the Mane 6 learn from. This is who they were, how they came to be, and the biggest secret they had to hide from the rest of the world.


FiM Fiction:
Story Page - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/17961/Paradise-Lost

Tags: Sad, Adventure, Dark
>> No. 95030
The password for my fic is "heartstrings"
>> No. 95047
Hello there and welcome to the Training Grounds. This is Dublio and this is my review for the story: "Without a Doubt." Written by Fable Scroll.

Here are my first impressions as I was going through your story. Most of the more in-depth stuff are in-doc but I posted a few things here for your benefit. Anyway, here we go.

I don't seem to feel anything while reading this story. This makes me very sad because the story has a lot of potential but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. If you were to incorporate some of Rainbow Dash's thoughts along the way in the story, I'd feel a deeper connection with her. But as of right now, I feel nothing.

Rainbow seems two-dimensional at this point. Wants to join the Wonderbolts at the cost of everything else. Why did she let Gilda get under her skin? Does she want to join the Wonderbolts because they're cool, she wants to prove herself, or some other reason? Why does she fight so hard? Why does she even care about Gilda anymore?

There are also a few logic holes that I'm not sure make any sense at all. In fact, most of your story is extremely confusing or written in a way that I don't recall many people talking in. It just sounds off to me.

Which is a shame because the story idea does have potential but the execution is lacking. If only I could actually see what Rainbow was thinking. If only I can feel connected with her feelings and inner turmoil. My initial confusion makes it much harder to do that and constantly reminds me that I'm reading a story with all of the LUS. What is LUS? At the Training Grounds, this is known as Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. This is when you describe a character instead of using pronouns or their names. It gets really hard to keep track after a while.

So just stick to names and pronouns. If your sentences are still confusing then, it's better to just rewrite them. When going through a scene, remember to stick through the PoV of one character and then writing those sentences become easier.

Here's the definition:

Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed.

Every second I spend having to reread a sentence is another instance where I have to stop. The constant pausing throws your story's pace completely out of whack.

There were also lots of filler words which contribute to making your story hard to understand but after reading several sentences repeatedly in order to understand what's happening, I feel like rewriting for many of these sentences are in order. It looks like in the last review you had talking heads, but you've added actions that just confuse the reader as to what's happening. You tend to have multiple actions taking place at once and I'm like "What just happened?"

The ending was also anti-climatic, made no sense, involved Pinkie instead of Rainbow (who we're supposed to have followed the whole time, right?) and it looks like the author got bored or ran out of time and just published his story anyway. At the end, the story was very unsatisfying and there didn't seem to be a conflict. If there was, then what exactly was it? The way you've established that with Rainbow's actions just comes off as flat.

This story seems like it would be better written as first-person or at least have some thoughts added in there. It seems pretty hollow right now. Rainbow Dash gets challenged by RD, so she works hard to practice, and then... what exactly? There doesn't seem to be much of a conflict. Sure, you're telling us that Rainbow Dash looks worn out and frazzled, but I'm not really feeling it because it's all telling and not showing.

Anyway, keep writing and I apologize in advance if the review discourages you from writing. Like I said, the idea had potential but I'd like to feel like I'm actually a part of something and not just a person standing outside a window looking in. I hope I helped, even if only a little.
>> No. 95062
I think I'll take this one.
>> No. 95067

This sounds cute. I'll do it.
>> No. 95069
Just wanting to say that my fic Not Exactly Green; No ODST Is has been reviewed.
>> No. 95072
File 133351481109.png - (129.65KB , 900x793 , fsderp.png )

All done. Again, sorry for the delay, but I hope the 400+ comments and other feedback are worth the wait.
>> No. 95079

Thanks! Would you prefer to use the FIMFiction link or Google Docs? The FIMFiction link is the most up to date version, but I understand Google Docs can be easier to use. If you want, I can update the GD story. Just let me know!
>> No. 95087

I did one chapter. I don't wanna do the rest. If you're not satisfied with that just say so-- and the record will show that I have dropped your fic and it will be counted as awaiting a claim again.


First off: The title. What's with the title? Maybe I would've gotten it if I had read on.

Moving on to the most obvious problem: You've got a nasty pile of grammatical problems just in the short bit that I read. Mostly, your sentence structures tend to be all over the place. You're also not good with commas.

Problems like this aren't the responsibility of your reviewers. Have someone look over this with the knowledge that they are your proofreader and they will needle at your grammar with a finer comb and better technical knowledge than I can provide.

Your idea is cute. That is, the idea of a random somepony taking up the mantle of MDW and being bad at it is cute. Play that up; it's a good idea. Make her a huge ham who wants to be a great hero, but is just an ordinary unicorn who isn't even above average at magic.

Your execution, even if it had perfect grammar, stinks. Even if you had done a better job with descriptions, plus done more showing instead of telling, you'd still have issues. The whole announcer voice/MDW overdramatic voice/mediocre dialogue problem is a nasty one. The whole setting-aside of MDW's internal monlogue was a bad idea.

Take the specific, mechanical corrections I've given, and see if you're able to apply them to your other chapters. Then, at THAT point, have someone look over what you've done and see if they have the same kinds of comments for you that I did. If they do, sorry, but you need work before you're ready for EQD. Don't feel too bad about that-- it's all learning.
>> No. 95090
Thanks a lot. Just went through your review and it gives me lots and lots to work on. (no wonder it took so long. ;P)
Might you be up for a review of chapter 4, once I finish it?
>> No. 95092
and i misspelled "acknowledge". *Facehoof*
>> No. 95098
(Re-posted into correct thread)


First off, thank you so much for going through my work. I'm sorry for not getting back to you sooner, but I've been away from a reliable net connection pretty much since you posted this :/.

Secondly...and I apologise for not posting this sooner, but the story is in the middle of some fairly extensive re-writing. Basically, my beta-reader got into contact with the pre-reader who first took a look at it. From what they both have said, the 'dryness' mentioned refers to a lack of personality to the writing. They also mentioned that the 'telling' aspect was that the story was told in a sequence of actions and nothing more, particularly being told with rather bland words.

Thus, I've re-written it more from an 'Apple Bloom-perspective, if that makes sense. Like so:

"No matter how many times she stayed over at Scootaloo’s, it still took a moment for Apple Bloom’s eyes to adjust. The walls around her burned a brighter orange than any fire. She and Sweetie Belle had actually lost track of Scootaloo in here a couple of times after their try at being Cutie Mark Crusaders Barbers. The only break from all the orange was a little, mouth-drawn picture of Rainbow Dash surrounded by all the colours of her mane, which sat proudly above the headboard."

As opposed to:

"Even though she had been there before for sleepovers, it still took a moment for Apple Bloom’s eyes to adjust to the onslaught of colour that was Scootaloo’s bedroom. The walls were a brash orange that her friend could almost blend in with if not for her mane, with the only respite being a mouth-drawn picture of Rainbow Dash in mid-sonic rainboom—complete with lightning bolts and explosions—that sat just above the headboard."

This issue is that this particular re-write was done about two days before your review. Oops. :(

Regardless of this, I really do appreciate your analysis, especially in regards to the whole species issue aspect. I am intending to include something similar further on in the story (it is really very early days, at this point), and I think that particular aspect could be slotted in alongside it. :) (For the moment, I see Apple Bloom as a little too wrapped up in how exciting the pegasus racing seems to focus on the logic of it. For now ;) )

It is nice to know that I hit the right balance in pointing out their cutie mark obsession, and the little bit of emphasis needed on the camaraderie can be added to the re-write.

Anyway, thank you so, so much for this review. I'm sorry the opening segment is a little irrelevant, now, but I appreciate your help :)
>> No. 95101
File 133354625666.png - (2.52MB , 1920x1080 , crazyapplebloom.png )

Sure. Whenever you're ready, you can message me on FiMFiction (I go by the same name there) or e-mail me if you'd rather have my address.
>> No. 95103
File 133354883825.jpg - (1.44MB , 3000x2057 , lemon.jpg )
...is complete~
>> No. 95111
Title: Void
Tags: [Grimdark][Crossover][Adventure]
Synopsis: Chain of unfortunate coincidences leads to (almost) average domestic filly being drawn into an adventure through the other worlds.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dWN8-hlbJuibrB_CTgIx38Ezme3d9qgKZW8GVyC6ACU/edit?pli=1

P.S. Was submitted here and reviewed by few people long tiime ago. Since then, added and rewrited some. If interested, open and read previous comments on the doc.
>> No. 95135
tags: Adventure, dark, tragedy, alternate universe.

Synopsis: In the desolate remains of Equestria, a young Earth pony mare documents her adventures and perils of survival.

Links: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BzsMNOIhJbGrUGRHemNOeGhRdWFFQnNzWjBQcUQ0Zw

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1DAMrHX-DbHBYArsCzAWp9LfoChIYbpFm-jCsIbQ3STk

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1ovYshI3HH5ODB7YctAGBFvgbdn_xFtD7l1SOSJzOC-Q

Review prologue and chapter 1
>> No. 95147
Make you docs allow for comments. It makes reviewing easier.
>> No. 95151
File 133357461189.jpg - (70.04KB , 774x1032 , music_by_swaetshrit-d4sw8wd_png.jpg )

Ok, here’s the real response. Sorry it took so long to get back to you.

First off, I want to say thank you for the long and generous review you’ve given me, especially the parts that addressed the grammar. While opinions about storyline may differ, grammatical errors are unchangeable, and I am horrible at catching those kinds of mistakes. As for those that aren’t, many of your ideas are similar to those of my other reviewers, and I feel that you are right in many of your analyzations.

I feel I should mention now that, after all of the reviews I’ve obtained, I realized the underlying cause of the reason it feels so weird looking at my fic now; I wrote what I had without any consideration for any form of grammatical expertise, such as characterization, perspective, or even conflict to a certain extent. Seriously. It kinda just came to my head, and I typed it up. Didn’t question a single thing. I’m honestly surprised I did as well as I have. And now that I know about all these, I feel I can make the story more readable. You and Nietzsche were the ones that really made me realize my error, and for that I am truly grateful.

Also, thank you for saying that what you said was your opinion. I feel that as of late I’ve been taking all the reviews I’ve been getting too close to heart. The fact that many of your comments contradict what others have said proves that I’ll never be able to please everybody, but also that people have different opinions about certain things, and in the end I should just write for myself and make the major, necessary changes.

Now, about that certain passage you didn’t see in the fic. It is actually from chapter five. I hadn’t originally submitted the fifth chapter to the Training Grounds for fear it would overstep the limit of what most reviewers would bother looking at. If at all possible, would you mind reviewing that as well? I haven't yet put it on FimFiction, only on GDocs. Here’s the link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/16JqJzGp-dKrD9SfFmjzdytIWqs5ELhxralsz6JNh_cU/edit

I don’t mind if you make it short like the last part of your review. I’d be happy with anything at this point. There are many changes that I’m going to make to it, but out of all of them I’d say it is one of the better ones, and I’d still appreciate a review. I feel it gives a bit more characterization to Vinyl, but then again, what do I know?

So overall, my main problems are perspective (which I now know how to fix), show vs. tell (which I also now know how to fix), and characterization (which I’m not as good at). This is what I’m taking from the majority of your review (I’m fairly certain at least one of them is right).

You thought the scene where Octavia calmed everypony else with her music was weird. I’m curious as to what you expected was going to happen, or rather where I went wrong with it. I have a feeling it’s because I over-exaggerated the effects that music can have on people, in which case I completely understand what I did wrong and am working to change it.

Like I said before, most of the chapters are going through major changes. They aren’t major rewrites though, so much of your review will still apply to most of it. I’m not going to go through every part of your review that I disagree with, because frankly that would take a lot of time that I really need to use to make the changes I agree with (which is pretty much everything). But seriously, your review is about the length of the fic itself. That must’ve taken a long time, of which I am grateful that you put into my review. If there are any specific questions you want answered, let me know.

Again, thank you so much for your entire review. If you could possibly review chapter five as well, while the story is relatively fresh in your mind, I would greatly appreciate it. If not, thank you anyway for everything you’ve done to help me.


P.S – I do NOT get how you think Lyra is aquamarine. Even though I’m removing that tidbit, I must insist that she is in fact mint green.

P.S.S – Wub wub is in fact dubstep.

P.S.S.S – Those names are actually more pony than you might think (seeing as everypony’s name seems to relate to something in real life and/or their talent). Adagio is a musical term used for when a piece goes into a softer, smoother movement. Francen is an altered form of the element Francium, atomic number #87 on the periodic table. Caralot is basically supposed to sound like “care a lot” (the pun’s awful now that I think about it).
>> No. 95152
After fixing the mistakes that my reviewer point me (thanks Terran ghost) I'll like to see if they were properly eradicated (wat)

Tags: [shipping][dark][adventure]

Synopsis: The world is changing. Animals behave strangely. Something bad is going on in Equestria, something bad is affecting it. something is corrupting it.
The elements will travel outside their home in Ponyville to try to fix whatever evil is happening. They will travel throught the world, meeting new and strange creatures, places, and dangers.

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/13418/Ancient-dangers

ps: I actually have other 3 chapters uploaded (I had 5 chapters but I unpublished until those 'tll i fix them), but I just want to make sure the prologue and chapter 1 are ok.
>> No. 95161
“Mistaken for Strangers”

Evan MacIan

[Normal], [Shipping], [Slightly Dark (Maybe)]

Synopsis: While expecting her first foal, Rarity starts to question her relationship with Big Macintosh. Sequel to “The Lucky One,” http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/12/story-lucky-one.html but it can be read on its own.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OT7fh1QmgXVFd8l1XToNUX4hxC3RKNLc08qMIzavmzI/edit

All chapters

I already got some outstanding help from Hyperexponential, and I’m pretty happy with where it’s at, but if I’ve learned anything about writing stories it’s that there’s always something I missed.
I’m not expecting an in-depth reviews, I just want to be sure it’s ready for submission to EqD.
Also, I left commenting on in the google doc for the reviewer to use.
>> No. 95164
Greetings. My monicker is He-Who-See's. I'm a FF writer from FF.Net who one day had the bright idea of seeing if his MLP FIC was worthy of being posted onto Equestria Daily. Apparently however, the member of the MOD Squad that was tasked with looking over my FIC found it to be lacking in several respects. The mod said, and I'm quoting here:

[List of Issues]

1) Run-on sentence, and mis-matched concepts. The body has nothing to do with the name. Might consider splitting the sentence there, as doing so would also cure the run-on.

With a body that looked like several different mythical creatures had been chewed up and spit out as one, the name of the being in question was one whose mere utterance was enough to cause the majority of ponykind inhabiting Equestria to go and run away as far and as fast as they could, panicking wildly as they did so.

2) Punctuation/capitalization. Comma after 'rule'. You do this a lot.

under my rightful rule." Discord said under his fire-breath,

3) Different punctuation errors.

average is "The Bad Samaritan." That OR simply "The Samaritan."
Corrected: average is 'The Bad Samaritan' That OR simply 'The Samaritan'."

4) Rushing a few things. I'll give you that in one localized area, this 'Samaritan' might be more powerful than Discord. However, you're having him crumble like wet tissue paper in a hurricane. It just feels way out of place that Discord would crumble that fast (or at all) and be reduced to grovelling. He spent how many thousands of years as a stone statue and the removal of his powers /now/ makes him flip? I don't buy it.

5) In chapter two, you have a lot of speakers that are hard to identify. We're not entirely sure who is saying what and why, but you must revise this to make it clear. Moreover, the dialogue is coming across as extremely flat. Ponies are emotional creatures; feel free to include some in your work.

Said MOD then told me that this was the joint I should hit to apparently find a way to make my story jump a few calibers up in quality.

So, with equal parts trepidation and hopefulness (though mostly the former), I ask the dwellers of this find review thread if you would be so kind and courteous as to read both chapters of my work so far through the link below and to point out what precisely need's to be changed and how to do so in order to meet with Equestria Daily's quote, unquote standards. If you please.

>> No. 95165
Would prefer to work in GDocs, so update that copy, if you please.
>> No. 95166

Ummm....what do you mean?
>> No. 95174
^ This little link thingy here - you used one, so I assume you know what it means. Follow the one in my previous post, and you'll see whom I'm answering.
>> No. 95178

I'm charmed by this idea and I would really hate to see this rot in the queue, but I don't know your source material. Would you accept me as a reviewer despite my lack of knowledge, or do you mean for your fic to be too tightly tied up in the crossover material to be accessible by me?
>> No. 95186

Alright, here you are. The story is completely finished. The first two chapters have had the most polish. The last two have slightly less polish (but I've still read over them a few times).


My main concerns for this story would be: does Pinkie's internal conflict seem believable and not contrived? Do her feelings come across as genuine without getting overly angsty or flowery? Is the pacing good? And of course, show versus tell. It is a more psychological, experimental story, so I hope you enjoy it.
>> No. 95194
File 133359516639.jpg - (31.87KB , 1280x800 , 721288283588.jpg )

I accept any reviewer so long as they don't use a majority of their review to write out their thoughts on the crossover.
>> No. 95198
Part one >>94868

Evening. I'm gonna finish up the tail end of your review now.

I gotta apologize, though. I just had dinner at a sushi bar where they pour the plum wine as if it were beer. I feel great right now, thanks for asking. It's probably a bad idea to write this right now, but the alternatives are e-mailing a college recruiter or revising my own fic, and to be honest, everything sounds like a good idea right now. Where was I?

Get nekkid and jump from the window? Aww, yeah!

In all seriousness, I'm writing from a mental outline I composed sober (and very bored. Yay, work.) so this isn't the worst I can do. Besides, I have a chair, which makes the world stop spinning and thus convinces me that I am King of the World.

To your review.

You like world building. I'm not gonna tell you to stop, because you're also good at it, at least the "imagine things to use in your story" part. But, do you know how they make stuffed animals?

You have to sew them inside out and then flip the right side out. Fiction is the same way. As a reader, I'm supposed to follow and be entertained by your characters' struggles. Instead, I'm enjoying watching your creative imagination. The seams of your worldbuilding show -- the problem isn't the author's notes at the end of the chapter, it's that they seem so natural. Learn to turn your writing the right side out (specifically from your characters' viewpoints) and they won't feel so natural, and you'll probably get rid of them or banish them to an appendix where they belong.

So, that's the first thing to work on.

The second thing is practicing description so you can make this very cool world you've created really come alive.

The third is mechanics. Don't ignore these, but there something to just, well, get a pretty good handle on and continue to work with for the rest of your writing career. It's like basic arithmetic in mathematics. No mathematician ever stops making stupid mistakes with arithmetic, but they know what they are and are embarrassed to make them.

I see two things happening.

You seem to write very fast and to be capable of some impressive story improvisation. My guess is that if you keep doing whatever it is your doing, it will grow very large, but not much better than it is now.

That's not entirely a bad thing. I'm reminded of Ri2's million-word-plus Pokemon fics, which I still love even though I know exactly how bad they are. (Including content not acceptable on ponychan. Ri2 is the reason Cupcakes doesn't really bother me: I've seen worse. Consider this fair warning.)

I don't think we have anything super long fics like that in the pony fandom yet. Yes, there are some long ones, but nothing that's pushing-three-megaword long.

But what I'd like you to do is slow down and develop as a writer. One of the really nice things about Seven Tribes is it splits up cleanly in to several stories. It's really more of a series than a single story. So take one story and focus on character, conflict, and plot. Maybe strip it down to the barest outline and discuss over at the StoryForge thread before revising and bringing it back here. You'll learn a lot more about writing by trying to make a smaller story the best it can be than continuing to pump out installment after installment of the same thing.

Also, expect harsher criticism ahead. I think my response is an anomaly. Someone is gonna come along and tear your Sue-ish characters apart.

I cannot overstate how bad the first arc is. Please start with the second one - and do not go into how Scoots got her strange magical powers at first. Make the story about finding her place in the world despite them. So heartwarming.

And, that's what I've got. I'm not too drunk to type, so posting in 3... 2... 1...

Please argue with me, ask corrections, etc. I'm gonna check this over again later (sober) to see if I missed anything important. Thanks for your understanding.
>> No. 95205

After skimming for a bit, there are a lot of technical things that you need work on, but someone else can help you with those; I'm not interested in giving you a strictly proofreading sort of review.

Someone else, someone who's familiar with the crossover, should help you. I can tell just from the little I've gone through that there will be too much I won't get.

I am dropping The Next to the Last Unicorn, in hopes that someone more appropriate picks it up.
>> No. 95208
File 133360247287.jpg - (19.06KB , 350x231 , 52733.jpg )

>>After skimming for a bit, there are a lot of technical things that you need work on

Knew that would happen if I signed on a person who did not know the material. (even though I don't know what your definition of a technical error is)

D'oh well. If another reviewer who actually knows the material comes along, then I will take it from their PoV
>> No. 95212
File 133360453180.jpg - (123.96KB , 1200x1368 , Bon Bon132453209262.jpg )
I guess I'll take it. I've seen the movie, but I haven't read the book. Is that good enough?
>> No. 95214

>> No. 95216
File 133360537129.png - (78.05KB , 980x552 , Question.png )

Never knew that there was a book. I just created this story after I read the movie
>> No. 95217

Did I just say I read the movie?

Yes. I have that power. *shakes hands with penguin man*
>> No. 95218
File 133360605336.png - (250.96KB , 900x903 , Bonbon Lyra artist john_joseco morning_ponies.png )
This doesn't have enough to do with the FiM ponies. I say make a new chapter from Fluttershy's point of view. Put it before this one and make what you have now a flashback.
>> No. 95220
File 133360709550.png - (78.05KB , 980x552 , Question.png )

>>This doesn't have enough to do with the FiM ponies.

And? You say it like this story is a one-shot, which, last time that I have checked, is most certainly not.

Not only that, but just because the first chapter to a new story is not completely filled with the FiM ponies does not mean that will not get anywhere. Your reasons aren't clear enough.
>> No. 95222
File 133360778814.png - (264.39KB , 1600x795 , Bon Bon131830793077.png )
Let me re-phrase that.

This doesn't have enough to do with FiM ponies for Equestria Daily to post it.

You see, I really liked The Last Unicorn. I want more people to watch it. A great way for that to happen is for them to read your crossover fanfic. But they're not going to read it if you don't write the opening chapter from Fluttershy's (or any other FiM character) PoV.
>> No. 95223
File 133360864246.jpg - (12.74KB , 212x159 , 2541462.jpg )

So, you want me to either:

A.) Rewrite the entire first chapter from Fluttershy's POV
B.) Blindly create a 2nd chapter that views the beginning from Fluttershy's perspective (Spend hours if not days trying to blindly come up with brand new, flawless material that is maybe-readable.

Those are just horrible suggestions. You don't demand that a writer come up with new material before posting it anywhere.
>> No. 95226
File 133361091791.png - (61.90KB , 251x238 , Bon Bon131499712463.png )
You don't have to re-write the whole chapter. Just change the last scene so that it's from Fluttershy's perspective (maybe add a little before it, to show how she got there.) Then put it at the beginning of you fic and have everything that Amalthea did in the fic before it revealed as she talks to Fluttershy. Maybe you could have a flashback.
>> No. 95231

I wasn't gonna say anything, but if this is your attitude:

What I called "your technical issues" will also keep you out of EQD. The problem with not being pony enough is, my opinion, a small one compared with your writing quality. This is important advice, which you brushed off, but now I see I'm not doing you any favors by saving your feelings.

Get someone to pick over your errors thoroughly. Get better at writing. Then go looking for serious reviews. Right now what you need is proofreading and a lesson in humility.
>> No. 95235
File 133361317661.png - (29.52KB , 347x406 , Glare.png )
>Those are just horrible suggestions. You don't demand that a writer come up with new material before posting it anywhere.

Let's imagine I have a two-sentence story:

"Bill drove his car. He was arrested when he got to work."

Not necessarily a bad story, but it's definitely missing something that connects the two sentences:

"Bill drove his car. He ran over a little girl in her driveway. He was arrested when he got to work."

That not only gives legitimacy to the conclusion of the story, but it definitely changes the meaning of the story.

As for "demanding you write more before resubmission," if your story needs work (and it does), then, uh, you need to write more.
>> No. 95239
Forgive me, sir, for intruding like this, but I have a question for you:
"What did you come here for?"

This is a review board. It is full of editors, judges, and critics. It has to be; if you want your story to be liked by your audience, it must be palatable to them. These people help you by telling you when that happens, and giving you advice to help you make your story palatable and pleasing to that audience.

If you came here expecting blind praise for your story, then we are not sorry to disappoint. If you came for help and advice, we shall give it gladly, if bluntly. If something is broken, we will tell you. You are given fair treatment, but we have high standards. If you expect your audience to lack these same standards, then you are mistaken.

Please consider this question before you make a fool of yourself.

What did you come here for?
>> No. 95240
File 133361585208.jpg - (54.50KB , 500x333 , 1005.jpg )
(It had to be done.)


So by now I would hope that we all know that the game industry is incapable of producing anything worth playing, or even anything worth using as toilet paper. What with this newfangled online wizardy, I don't even have a manual or control sheet to wipe my arse with.

So in search of entertainment products more suitable for use as toiletpaper, I've recently decided to expand my repetoire to the reviewing of literature. I was going to start by chastising a Stephen King novel, but after hitting myself in the head one too many times with his latest doorstop, I changed my mind and came up with the brilliant idea of reviewing fanfiction instead.


The story "The Next to Last Unicorn", which I take is based on a book – no wait, film (this is fanfiction, after all) – called "The Last Unicorn" starts off a bolded note to someone named "Jonesy". Is he the author's gay lover or imaginary friend, you ask. Well, reader, maybe we'll find out if we read a little further!

On a technical level, the story makes me think that the author was too busy daydreaming about Jonesy riding a unicorn to actually pay any attention in school. A hyphen is used to bind "twelve" and "hundred" together against their will, and then the adjectival pair lovers "sweet" and "smelling" are left to wallow in loneliness. Were this tagged "Romance" and "Tragedy", a single tear might escape my hard, cynical eye before being quickly sucked back.

The author also seems tragically unaware of how to punctuate dialogue, leaving stray full stops lying around like the clumps of tissue paper from his "brainstorming sessions".

After I managed to cleave through the numerous technical errors and clumsy sentences, I'm not suprised to say that I failed to find a story worth reading. The story starts off with Arabitch and Amalsomething, a pair of stupidly-named unicorns, having a boring conversation about something I don't care about. And then there was some low moaning.

Instead of the hot horse sex I had been expecting, old Amalsomething was magically teleported to some other place and then a great beast came out of the sea to rape her. "Fanfiction," I muttered.

Except that's not what happened. The rape beast was a flashback of some sort and Amalsomething actually got teleported to... a pond or something, where Amalwhatever looks in the water and ponders her a bad day. Then Arabitch is suddenly there and I'm getting this horrible sense of deja vu. This bit wasn't even interesting the first time, author!

Then there's an exchange of robotic dialogue, another flashback to the rape beast and some more moaning.

Everything's always starting to do something in this story. Amalwhatever starts to worry, glowy things start to glow, Jonesy starts to become real... And that's not even mentioning other filler like "She decided to question him" or "She was so petrified in fact". These are the prefab henhouses of words Mr Twain was talking about!

>"I...I can't believe as to what I am hearing..."
Oh, so Amalthingy is an Indian unicorn!

>The beast struggled under the force of its bounds
I suppose all those "u"s you Americans leave out of words have to go somewhere.

Right at the end of the chapter Amalunicorn ends up in Equestria and meets Fluttershy. Oh, so this is a crossover? Coulda fooled me.

One more admission of the author's undying love for whoever Jonesy is, and we're finally done with the first chapter of "The Next To Last Unicorn" (which could use some hyphens, just by-the-by). Thank god for that!

I heartily recommend against reading this story if you, like me, are unfamiliar with "The Last Unicorn". Like many crossover writers, the author of this story has failed to explain anything about property being crossed over with. I feel that this, at its current stage, would be more suitably considered fanfiction for "The Last Unicorn" that crosses over with "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" than the other way around.

My advice to the author: find a clear direction and give some indication of what it is. At this point, this story feels like a purposeless crossover exercise of "X character goes to Y world by means of magic and shit and then everyone fucks around and nothing interesting happens". I do not see the motivations of your characters and have not been hooked to the point where I desire to find out what happens next. I could (and will) stop reading this story right now and never wonder what happens to Amalwhat'sherface or Fluttershy, because I have no reason to care.

Right, back to reviewing games. I didn't even fit a cock joke into this tripe.

>> No. 95241

>> No. 95244
File 133361718166.png - (313.57KB , 900x827 , MzUVd.png )
Lol. This reminded me of Snarkle's "Snape Reviews".
>> No. 95248
File 133362248852.png - (487.13KB , 845x475 , clapping.png )
As someone who just finished re-reading TLU for the god-knows-how-manyth time, I salute you.
>> No. 95255
Review lacked Branston Pickle. Lame.

Also, IIRC, "Jonesy" is a dead cat and a live ferret. Which was actually a funny way to do a prereader-insert; it's right up there with Vimbert's appearance in EoP.

Rechecked sober. 'S good!
>> No. 95258
Note: I'd like to request CartoonGeld as the reviewer for these two chapters, however if he is unavailable, I welcome anyone else to man the helm.

Title: Redemption of the Fireheart
Written By: Your Antagonist (VegaKS03)
[Action/ Adventure] [Comedy]

Synopsis:When Sir Spike the Fireheart is framed by a fellow knight and branded a traitor to the Kingdom of Equestria for crimes he did not commit, he escapes persecution and makes a new life in the Everfree forest with a thief by the name of Pipsqueak. All the while, the seeds of vengeance slowly begin to bloom, and with the help of a strange cast of allies, he seeks to right the wrongs done unto his name.

Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nvhbiP3KwNMZi344kMxCzvrXxQBnavggCXc3-Vl-PxU/edit

Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/19igsWG2X2aZwoMRqicYaBZIJuaUduS_biyYrDHuTQ6U/edit
>> No. 95260
File 133363270734.jpg - (31.87KB , 1280x800 , 721288283588.jpg )

"The dead cat" was a joke I played on him a looong while ago.

"The ferret" was something that he wanted me to insert into a 2nd person shipfic I have.
>> No. 95262
I appreciate the feedback and I've already begun going back and improving what is there. I'm going to copy/paste what you wrote and have it open when I go to write more so I keep it in my mind. I actually had an end it sight (arc 5 being the end) but what you said made me want to press on (the first post) and I've already begun work on a 6th arc to go before the current 4th. Thank you again for the review and thoughts. I'll be back when I feel it's ready.
>> No. 95266
File 133363550599.jpg - (16.53KB , 200x336 , 582.jpg )
Title: Free at last

Tags: [Sad], [Dark]

Synopsis: Twilight travels to the far north to settle a dispute for new mayor. All is not what it seems and twisted tale of ghostly appearances follow. None of the pony-folk there are willing to discuss the matters with an outsider in their solicitous town, so Twilight discovers for herself, the memories which have been buried.

Free at last folder: https://docs.google.com/#folders/0B0v0Y4c1guhNbjhoN19lUmZRb1NqNUJpRi1hWVZTdw

Includes: Prologue & Chapter 1
>> No. 95267
File 133363605552.jpg - (12.74KB , 212x159 , 2541462.jpg )

>>Right now what you need is proofreading and a lesson in humility.

Cool story bro


So...what are you saying? Rewrite the last scene from Fluttershy's POV, THEN move it to the front? Then what would go at the end of the chapter? Filler?


>>expecting blind praise

Who said I was expecting blind praise? Like any other author would say, it's alright to denounce a reviewer's critique if the author believes that they are wrong. It's not like there is some sort of "divine law" saying that we can't take it too far.


>>if your story needs work (and it does), then, uh, you need to write more.

"(and it does)"

Again, as I've told quite a few others, you're judging the story from your point of view.

>>As for "demanding you write more before resubmission," if your story needs work (and it does), then, uh, you need to write more.

You're encouraging the decision to tell the author to write more? Either your standards for fiction are really high or you're just another anti-reviewer.


I could only get about half-way through your review before stopping in fear that my brain may explode from over exposure to what may be the largest amount of stupid I've ever set my eyes on.

Allow me to say a few things:

1.) You have absolutely no idea as to what an author's note is.
2.) While I find it rather amusing that you did this Zero Punctuation style, all you've succeeded in doing is humiliating yourself by writing a review that no other sane author would ever take seriously.

You know what? I'm just gonna stop right there. This is the "Training Grounds" right? Thought so.

I could have done something more productive with my time instead of spending a full half-hour writing out this reply post.

On those words, I'm leaving the story up until an actual reviewer comes around.
>> No. 95273
Do you mind taking it to the old thread of the training grounds, >>90477

This is starting to turn into it is/is not contest and well, Training Grounds don't last long.
>> No. 95282
File 133364401638.png - (103.94KB , 1600x900 , Story post.png )

That won't do much good, seeing as to how 5 little reviewers already turned this thread upside down.

Besides, I already sent the story to the EqD about 3 days ago. I choose to ignore these people until I get a response from the pre-readers.
>> No. 95285

Two people have told you that you're being an arrogant fool.

Nick Nack, who is definitely on the realer side of reviewers that we've got, sided with those two people.

Someone humorously wrote a comprehensive stream of insults that very specifically needles at your work.

>Again, as I've told quite a few others, you're judging the story from your point of view.

And you're declaring that we're wrong? That we aren't in a position to tell you that your grammar is a disaster, your crossover is completely inaccessible, and your description is useless? Have you SEEN some of the reviews flying here? Much better stories than yours have been met with multiple page-long analyses of why they sucked, or worse, some of them have been straight-up brushed off just like I did to you.

It is my humble opinion that your fic has received some very good advice from more people than it deserved, so it should be removed from the queue pending a very thorough rewrite, regardless of your immature, narcissistic refusal to acknowledge reviews.

Saging TTG.
>> No. 95286
This makes me think... is there such a thing as blacklisting people in /fic/? Like, if you are obnoxious and keep telling everyone they don't know what the hay you are talking about they can simply refuse to review your work?
>> No. 95288
I will enjoy rejecting this (grammar issues, plot pacing, little-to-no relevance to MLP) if it even hits the queue, then. :)

Now, let us leave this thread to those who actually care about improving their writing.
>> No. 95289
Often it takes a while for the EqD pre-readers to get to a story. So you're going to be twiddling your thumbs for a fair while.

When someone tells you "this is bad," you take it under advisement. Maybe you don't agree with everything they say, but you damn well better consider it. You don't brush it off, and you don't get angry when someone says, "Hey, you're a writer, maybe you should write some more?" because that's common sense. When something's broken, you fix it.

I'd also point out: NickNack? One of the pre-readers. Sorry, Hivemind, but you ain't gettin' accepted to EqD.

(One final criticism. Hivemind, darling, why in the name of maple-iced doughnuts are you using Yahtzee as your avatar? What the Tartarus do you two have in common?)
>> No. 95291
The spreadsheet does have a "Blacklist (Bad Karma)" sheet in it. What I imagine this does is warns any prospective reviewers of what they're getting into, rather than denying the person use of the Training Grounds entirely.

/fic/ as a whole is not a single entity, however, so there's no such thing for all of /fic/ (outside of a ban from the moderators).
>> No. 95292

I feel partially responsible for this mess, sadly. I wanted to do some TTG reviews so as not to let Terran Ghost's efforts go to waste. I should have just let his stuff sit, but I didn't want to take people who had just gotten in line; I wanted to clear those who had been waiting, proper-like.

On that note, I have written a review of The Silence of Mare-Do-Well- that has gone unacknowledged.
>> No. 95296
File 133364580701.jpg - (19.06KB , 350x231 , 52733.jpg )

>>but you damn well better consider it.

I could, but for all I know, their methods could be horrible.

>>You don't brush it off

Who said I brushed it off?

>>and you don't get angry when someone says, "Hey, you're a writer, maybe you should write some more?"

*directs your attention to the previous posts*

>>Sorry, Hivemind, but you ain't gettin' accepted to EqD.

Now that? That right there, is just cold. To say that an author will never get onto EqD, all because of a single story? Cold. Besides, there are several other prereaders other than that person.

>>Often it takes a while for the EqD pre-readers to get to a story. So you're going to be twiddling your thumbs for a fair while.

I can wait.

>>(One final criticism. Hivemind, darling, why in the name of maple-iced doughnuts are you using Yahtzee as your avatar? What the Tartarus do you two have in common?)

Does that really matter?


>>I will enjoy rejecting this (grammar issues, plot pacing, little-to-no relevance to MLP) if it even hits the queue, then. :)

Again, just like I told the poster below you, you are not the only pre-reader. What kind of prereader would blindly reject a story without giving it a second thought, not to mention that no other poster here has given my story an actual review. You type without thinking first.


We're just gonna keep going on with this aren't we? *sigh*

>>And you're declaring that we're wrong?

No. I said that your opinion comes from your point of view, not from the entire group.

It is my humble opinion that your fic has received some very good advice from more people than it deserved, so it should be removed from the queue pending a very thorough rewrite, regardless of your immature, narcissistic refusal to acknowledge reviews.

Just like the other two posters below you, cold. Off the charts cold. No one has given my story a REAL review. This: >>95240 is a joke, if not a direct insult to an author. Even if it gets rejected, I still have two strikes left, of which I will gladly use.
>> No. 95298
I'm not the only one, no. But we check each others' work from time to time, and I'm reasonably sure that the verdict would still hold at rejected.

I'm also reasonably certain that if I show the blogponies how you're conducting yourself at "improving your story" (i.e., this thread), we could arrange for a much harsher rejection than a strike.

After all, if you don't have interest in listening to /fic/'s reviewers, why should we let you waste the blogponies and the prereaders' time more than once?

As for >>95240 being a "joke/insult," he mentioned boring dialogue, grammar issues such as hyphenation and improperly formatted dialogue, flat characters, and the fact that you don't tie this into FiM very well.
>> No. 95299
File 133364662229.gif - (490.42KB , 500x213 , nic_cage_tells_you_to_deal_with_it.gif )

What Nick said. Why would I (or any other pre-reader) bother reviewing a story if we know the author is just going to cry and tell us that we're idiots that don't know what we're talking about?

I strongly recommend that you listen to what's being said here and fix your story before submitting it, thus wasting our time. We have reviews to do for authors that will actually listen.
>> No. 95301

I'll take the threat lightly and silently and get to work revising. I just hate it how an author is denied a second opinion (review based)
>> No. 95302
You got three "second opinions." Cry less, write more.
>> No. 95303
File 133364797429.png - (264.62KB , 792x1092 , Stop.png )
>> No. 95305

Look at Cassius's post first. Now look back at your post.

Best to do what he says.
>> No. 95306
Post baleeted. Cassius was not making the scary face when I was typing that. Clearly, I do not refresh often enough.
>> No. 95310
File 133365013726.png - (37.54KB , 106x121 , 132781087760s.png )
You want a second opinion? Here's one.

I have absolutely no idea what The Last Unicorn is. As such a reader, I enter your fic, and the first thing I see is a plug for a blog post to be written. I see a bunch of *sounds* and ellipses, pet peeves in fanfiction, completely personal thing but still one anyway. I skim a bit more, and you have a LOT of ellipses. And stuttering. More than what feels to be necessary, in fact.

>"Hello there Arabelle." said Amalthea
Arabelle," said Amalthea

I get a bunch of long, unmemorable names, talking about some dead guy. Only after 4000 words (skimmed) do I find something familiar to me, something that ties it in to FiM, and she isn't even named, simply implied. The main problem is that I have absolutely no reason to feel for your story or your characters, and at 4000 words, I as a reader have found no point in continuing. You fill your precious first paragraphs with the loose, emotional ends of already-resolved conflict, like stubs of cigarettes. It's waxing sentimental, which does not make for good reading. There's a tiny bit of substance, but next to nothing in terms of punch. The odd names don't help much, either, even though that's something you're stuck with from the thing you're crossing over with, I presume.

The fiery beast comes for Amasomething. Huzzah. It lacks punch because Ama and Ara are just things walking in a garden somewhere. What happens to them doesn't grab my interest.

Oh, and that Yahtzee review? It was actually, surprise surprise, a review. While the average TTG review has lotsa line-by-line, actual, professional reviews don't do that. They come as opinions, with a strong author's voice in it. http://onemansponyramblings.blogspot.com.au/2011/11/6-star-reviews-part-9-today-tomorrow.html is an example of a review without edits;

>The writing throughout was adequate, but not always ideal. When I say that, I'm talking about sentences like this: "Not far away, Ponyville's post office, which doubled as Derpy's home, bustled with activity." From a technical standpoint, there's nothing wrong with this sentence as written. However, it doesn't flow well; the three commas in close succession make the line feel choppy and disjointed, where a little rewording could have conveyed the same information more elegantly.
He points out one example to support his view and carries on.

Yahtzee-anon expressed his/her opinion on the sequence of events, conveying it through tone. At least he/she managed to muster up enough interest to produce such a thing. I couldn't.

Do you want this to get on EqD? You'll have to make it accessible to readers like me. That's the bar they've set.

You wanted a second opinion. Nothing wrong with that. Voila. Mind, if you don't at least consider the suggestions people are making, getting the nth opinion will only yield the same results, and it's just a waste of time on everyone's behalf.
>> No. 95311
File 133365063996.png - (185.48KB , 200x223 , 132966882731s.png )
Ah, derp. Neither did I. Still, I was marginally on-topic, and my opinions as a reader are valid feedback, so I'm safe, right?
>> No. 95314

Again, look at Cassius's post. I'm fine with simple criticism but going so far as to remove a story from the EqD queue just because 2-3 pre-readers hate it?

The word of the pre-readers is not law. This thread is already on the verge of a derailment. Be best to spread this to the higher ups before things get ugly
>> No. 95316
What you just received was an honest opinion. Do you recognize that? Someone just actually gave you another review and your response is "oh, you too? You people are all stupid and just because you don't like my work doesn't mean anything baaawwww."

You need to leave now. Get out of TTG, off my ponies, out of my freakin' gene pool.
>> No. 95319

This will be the last, last post from me:

I appreciate the reviews and opinions that they gave me, and yes some of them were a bit over-exaggerated, but to go so far (do I really have to say this a third time?) as to delete a story from the EqD queue just because of a shared opinion just means that your standards are much to high for anyone to take seriously.

With those words, I'm off.
>> No. 95321
File 133365266779.jpg - (166.48KB , 1920x800 , 18.jpg )
Don't you love how the crap writers who bitch and moan get the most reviews? He's gotten at least three reviews--probably more--for his universally-disliked story.

Oh, and his poor choice in avatar. I feel like brining that up again. I find it rather ironic he couldn't swallow a review in the same vein as his picture choice (BTW, it was pretty funny. Props to who made that).

Since I'm taking the time to tear him a plot hole, I suppose I can find some more to do a review. I'll be claiming Redemption of the Fire Heart. Let's hope that the comedy tag delivers; I could use a hearty chuckle.
>> No. 95322


I sent you two messages on FimFiction and asked you a question but I also wanted to make a note here as well. I wasn't going to, but I figured it wouldn't hurt.

Your Gdocs is locked and I can't get into it, so I just read the one on Fimfiction instead. Also, when you said you wanted me to make a Gdocs copy, I assumed you meant for me to post my review into my own Gdocs, not yours. If that's not what you meant, please let me know.

Apologies for your review taking a long time. I'm going much more indepth with your story. If you want me to just give you what I have instead of finishing, that's fine too.
>> No. 95323
You know, EqD is only marginally better than just asking a friend what a good story is, and their standards are low compared to any publication and even some readers.

As far as I'm concerned, to get on EqD you only need basic English and having a story which isn't boring. So no, your story being rejected is not because of the standards, it's because it sucks (disclaimer: the owners autoreject stories not out of standards but out of butthurt of the readers, so good stories might not even be considered unless they are the second coming of stephen king).
>> No. 95324
File 133365292152.png - (1.24MB , 1664x1496 , Killdeathmurderdie.png )

He got his review, and his behavior has earned him a spot on our Bad Karma sheet. There will be no more discussion on this matter. Please don't test me. Posts contributing to derail will be reported and hopefully deleted.
>> No. 95325
File 133365357412.jpg - (10.28KB , 352x252 , 132135411142.jpg )
I'll send a E-mail too, but have you had your older chapters reviewed? You might want to find your original reviewer in that case.

Do note I claimed a review in exchange for my off-topic reply.
>> No. 95328
In an attempt to rerail us...
>> No. 95329
File 133365408792.jpg - (44.08KB , 519x511 )
Please do not derail threads in /fic/ like this!
>> No. 95338
File 133365657753.png - (243.25KB , 343x518 , Twilight - (HF) Interesting.png )
I'll get to work on the review right away.
>> No. 95340

I just finished the first chapter of the fic. If you could review that too, that would be mighty helpful.

Episode I: A Grand Accompaniment
>> No. 95347
I'll try to get to that later today.
>> No. 95358
File 133366412259.jpg - (91.86KB , 460x1274 , rx555.jpg )
I usually (try to) do one flavored thread update. After that I just express myself with (to me) funny pictures.


PROTIPS: To those who haven't considered it yet. Googledocs is the preferred submission format for most reviewers, combined with comments enabled. It lends itself incredibly well for doing line-by-line. Or give examples without having to copy additional context. If e-mail notifications are enabled you'll be sure to receive your review.

If you never used Googledocs before, no problem it's easy to use and it features all kinds of cool stuff like: instasave; accessibility EVERYWHERE; cool line breaks; and as mentioned above, shiny comments by reviewers.

But be sure to make your doc accessible. This can be done in the blue share button at the top right of your screen. Set to everyone with the link can comment.


>Unclaimed: 8
> Reviews waiting for acknowledgment: 17
>Reviews in progress: 13


Terran Ghost | >>94160 | 3/31/2012 | | 1/18/2012 | The Equestrian Bloodmoon | Whitestrake | >>78675
Terran Ghost | >>94174 | 3/31/2012 | | 2/5/2012 | Dark Reality | shadowking97 | >>81992
Terran Ghost | >>94364 | 3/31/2012 | | 2/12/2012 | From Canterlot with Love | Sagebrush | >>83644
Terran Ghost | >>94433 | 3/31/2012 | | 2/16/2012 | My Choices: Twisted Tales Through Time | Koolerkid | >>84836
Cartoongeld | >>93893 | 3/29/2012 | | 2/27/2012 | Equestria's Twilight | Sapidus3 | >>87471
Terran Ghost | >>93451 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/10/2012 | Javelin | McPoodle | >>#88583
Terran Ghost | >>93456 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/10/2012 | Banishment Decree | Chuckfinley | >>90080
Terran Ghost | >>93546 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/15/2012 | Twilight of the Rebellion | Dawn Sparkle | >>91165
Nathan | >>93493 | 3/28/2012 | | 3/19/2012 | The Disarray Trilogy Part 1: Of Harmony and Chaos | Walker "Ink Blothc" Holden | >>91777
Terran Ghost | >>94087 | 3/30/2012 | | 3/20/2012 | Out of Reach | Chaos Pon3 | >>92020
Terran Ghost | >>94133 | 3/30/2012 | | 3/21/2012 | The Carnival of Chaos (CHAPTER 2 PLS) | Dext/Preda | >>92144
Dublio | >>95047 | 4/3/2012 | | 3/28/2012 | Without A Doubt | Fable Scroll | >>93490
Terran Ghost | >>94595 | 4/1/2012 | | 3/29/2012 | Forever Classic | Impossible Numbers | >>93728
Dublio | >>94971 | 4/3/2012 | | 3/29/2012 | Reminiscence | SongofWinter | >>93479
Eustatian | requesting second opinion | >>95198 | 4/4/2012 | | 3/31/2012 | The Seven Tribes | Mechcolt | >>94214
Eustatian | >>94429 | 3/31/2012 | | 3/31/2012 | Reconciliation | Rlogic1994 | >>93898
Tactical | >>95087 | 4/4/2012 | | 4/1/2012 21:51:58 | The silence...of Mare-Do-Well | Firebirdbtops | >>94701


StarmanTheta | | | | 3/12/2012 | Lyra's Metamorphosis | Kirdus | >>90707
Arbarano | | | | 3/16/2012 | Rarity's Vacation From Herself | SwiperTheFox | >>91377
Grif | | | | 3/16/2012 | A Cloud Divided | Dromer | >>91365
AzuNyan | | | | 3/20/2012 | Blazing Run through the Animal Kingdom | Arby Works/Mr. Masato | >>91786
The Great and Powerful Trixie | | | | 3/25/2012 | Daring Do and the Alicorn's Shadow | Crowind | >>92980
Dublio | | | | 3/28/2012 | R.A.I.N.B.O.W Dash | TheOnly | >>93515
Casca | | | | 4/2/2012 1:16:19 | A Thief Named James | Silentblaze | >>94745
Pascoite | | | | 4/2/2012 | Cross my Heart and Hope to Fly | Nicholas Taylor | >>94272
Dublio | | | | 4/3/2012 | No, you're a unicorn. Now act like one! | AzuNyan | >>94907
AzuNyan | | | | 4/3/2012 | Paradise Lost | RaptorSenior | >>95007
108Echoes | | | | 4/4/2012 | The journey | Jazzyfeather | >>95135
Zamoonda | | | | 4/4/2012 | Ancient Dangers | goldar | >>95152
Ion-Sturm | | | | 4/5/2012 | Redemption of The Fireheart | Your Antagonist (VegaKS03) | >>95258


| | | | 3/14/2012 | Lovebirds | Zay-el | >>90605
| | | | 3/30/2012 | Harmonious Chaos | Fox Scarlen | >>94034
| | | | 4/2/2012 | Bloodline: Chapter Three | Jake The Army Guy | >>94355
| | | | 4/4/2012 | Void | Damocl | >>95111
| | | | 4/4/2012 | Mistaken for Strangers | Evan MacIan | >>95161
| | | | 4/5/2012 | Free at last | Pinkamina_daine_pie | >>95266
| | | | 4/5/2012 | The Winter War | Anrichan | >>94319
| | | | 4/5/2012 | Trans Dimensional Turmoil | He-Who-See's | >>95164
>> No. 95360
File 133366815457.png - (128.13KB , 1171x1279 , vanner-guard.png )
Title: Friends of the Dawn
Tags: (Adventure)

Synopsis: When Celestia sealed Nightmare Moon away, she left her kingdom to fend for itself for five long years. In that time, Equestria almost fell apart, but it was brought back together by four ponies willing to fight for it. Now, as the Knights of Friendship spread peace and harmony throughout the lands, a dangerous new threat emerges from Zebra lands. Fueled by the same friendship that saved Equestria, a dark shadow threatens the world. It's again up to Heart Chase, Constance, Ridgeline, and Bard to put a stop to the mysterious zebracorn.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-DZrlZk-cFd4rk4xHaOjiZSHsVcey3Oi_hY1yAKMspM/edit

This is mostly for Cassius and Filler, but anyone is more than welcome to take a look and offer advice.
>> No. 95366

I claim this story on behalf of Mars.
>> No. 95368
Hello there and welcome to the Training Grounds. This is Dublio and this is my review for the story "R.A.I.N.B.O.W Dash" written by TheOnly. Due to the length, it's going to have to be split into several posts. After the entire review is done, it'll be put into Gdocs like requested.

I'll be going through your story and marking off the different scenes with their own headers. That way, you can scroll down to any particular scene that you want to see first. As a word of precaution before we start, I'm just a normal person with opinions. You don't have to listen to me if you don't want to. That being said, I hope you enjoy the review and I hope that I have at least provided you with some help.

Introduction Scene

>she awaited Twilight to obtain her book

This sounds kinda strange because Twilight was already reading a book. What isn't clear is that she was going through every one of the books, trying to look for a certain spell. You do say that in the next paragraph, but it sounds odd because it's placed after the event was already happening. It sounds like it would be more correct to say that she was waiting for Twilight to find the spell, not book.

>The pegasus eyed the door longingly.

Rainbow DashxDoor Shipping. I like this fic already.

>her unicorn friend
>the pegasus
>the unicorn
>the nervous pegasus

Instead of using names and pronouns, you seem to have relied on using the characteristics of the character instead. I'm guessing this was an attempt to vary your sentences so that you don't overuse their names too much. This is known as Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I'll let my fellow reviewer Vanner explain what it is.


Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just
remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

>What if I go bald?, she thought, Or even worse, what if I lose my wings!

Since the sentence is italicized in order to indicate thought, there's no need to add thought tags, so you can just delete the "she thought" part. Also, you don't want to use two punctuation marks at the same thing (I'm talking about the question mark and the comma). Normally, you only see those in interrobangs (?!)

Another thing to note is starting a sentence with conjunctions (or). They're normally accepted in dialogue but not in narrative. Although you can break the rules if you know what you're doing, you'd have to know them first. But since this is a thought, I'll pretend it goes under the dialogue category and thus is okay. I just wanted to mention this for future reference.

>Twilight shifted from one hoof to the other with anxiety as she continually found disappointment lying in the pages of the books.

"with anxiety" is unnecessary to say because we can tell them from the context of her shifting her hooves. As for the second part of that sentence, the way it's worded sounds off to me for some reason. It sounds like a metaphor that doesn't quite make sense since she's disappointed that she can't find what she's looking for, not that she is finding a physical object called disappointment lying in the book somewhere. Perhaps that's just me. I do tend to be a very literal person.

>she mumbled to herself

This is normally why people mumble yes. So there's no need to write "to herself" as it is filler. This also goes for when a character is by themselves and talks for no reason. There's no reason to specify that they're talking to themselves as they are the only one there.

>Books flew off the shelves and in front of the unicorn, magically suspended there for a couple seconds only to be tossed to the side moments later.

Like mentioned before about Lavender Unicorn syndrome, you can just use a pronoun instead since we know you're still talking about Twilight. I also think that it sounds awkward and should be reworded a bit, but that's just me. Here's an example:

Books flew off the shelves and magically floated in the air in front of her, before being tossed to the side.

Maybe that's not the best example, but let me explain why I feel that it sounds off. It's because the way your sentence is worded, someone could think that Twilight was the one magically suspended there, not the books. I know that doesn't make sense, hence why it sounds odd with how the sentence is constructed.

>The nervous pegasus stared at the door, and it began to look more and more enticing.

Besides sounding weird, I'm also sensing more shipping vibes.

>She began to have thoughts of leaving.

Since you continue on with her thoughts in the very next sentence, just cut this sentence out completely. Here's why. If you want to keep your reader engaged, you want to have your characters take direct action. If you're going to tell us what happens anyway, why pad your story with filler words? Many stories have characters that "start to" do something or "begin to" do something. Most of the time, it's better to just have them do that something instead of starting to. I'm not sure if I'm emphasizing my point properly though, so you'll have to excuse me.

Of course, there are exceptions. If it makes sense for something to happen, and the action continues after the sentence is over, then it makes sense to say "it began to." An example of this happened earlier in the story actually. Sweat began to form on Rainbow Dash's face, and since the action continues, this action makes sense to keep going. So that usage of "began to" is correct but this other one isn't. Does that make sense?

>Maybe, if I sneak out of the door she won't even notice, and then I can...
>"Aha!" exclaimed Twilight, breaking Rainbow Dash's train of thought.

The ellipsis is used to indicate trailing off, not interruptions. What you want is the em-dash instead. You can find that in Gdocs by looking at the Insert tab, and clicking special characters. In the first drop-down box, click on Punctuation and for the second, click on Dash/Connectors. Voila, there's your em-dash.

I also think that the "breaking Rainbow Dash's train of thought" should be omitted since the em-dash would already imply that. The less filler words you have in your story, the better off you are, right?

>Her eyes sparkled with joy as she turned to the page that contained the bit of information she had been looking for so desperately.

Apparently Twilight is a psychic, because she exclaimed before she found the page that contained the information she wanted. Also, we're aware that she was looking for that information desperately, hence the thrown around books all over the library. I think this sentence also sounds off, because it tells the reader the obvious since we already know this from context.

>she trotted over to Rainbow Dash with a little bounce in her step.

Should the verb be modified by the bouncing in her step anyway? Like if she hopped or bounced over to her instead? Otherwise you run into the risk of readers confusing Rainbow Dash for the one with the bounce in her step. (English, why u so confusing?)

>Why did I even tell Twilight about my mane anyway? she thought, I should have just had Rarity cut it.

You don't necessarily have to remove the thought tags. I just think that they're kinda pointless to have since we already know they're thoughts due to the italics.

>Rarity cuts manes, right?, she thought.

remove the second comma. Remove the thought tag too since the only reason it's there is because of the comma. Don't use two punctuation marks like this right next to each other and all that.

>Rainbow Dash had inhaled a small bit of dust , and was on the verge of sneezing.
delete the comma

>Twilight stood back and closed her eyes as the spell took full effect.

Describe what the spell actually did. Also, this sentence feels like it's happening to Twilight when it's actually Rainbow Dash that the spell is being cast on.

>Taking a step back and using a hoof to block the light from entering her eyes

"from entering her eyes" is filler since we can see why she's using the hoof.

>Twilight awaited the moment where Rainbow Dash stepped out of the shine with her beautifully cut mane.

This sounds off but I'm not sure why. I want to say that it's because of the "where" part. Since she's waiting, that implies time which needs "when" not "where." Since where involves location and all that. But if you change the "where" to "when," then you would have to reword the other parts of the sentence to match up as well.

>Twilight opened one eye to view what lay before her.
"to view what lay before her" is obvious and thus filler, delete it.

As a general impression of the first scene, I was kinda hoping that Rainbow Dash would revisit her longing for the door one last time in order to round out the sentences to the Rule of Three. Just to emphasize even more the fact that she wanted to leave. I think that the magical spell kinda happened really fast and I'm also wondering how Rainbow feels during this process. If while the spell was washing over her, we could get a glimpse into how she felt, maybe I'd feel more connected. How would one feel if they were being split apart anyway? Since you gave the reader her thoughts so far, I was expecting to see them once more before switching to Twilight's point of view so abruptly. My opinion would be to stay with Rainbow Dash the entire time even as the spell is taking effect. Perhaps she could feel herself fading away, ripping apart, or whatever emotion one feels when being split. I think the switch to Twilight's POV is kinda jarring too.

... Rainbow DashxDoor is my OTP. That's all I'm saying.

Pinkie Plays a Game with the Rainbow Dashes Scene

>You did WHAT to Rainbow Dash?

Instead of typing out "what" in all caps to signify raising of the voice, use italics instead.

>asked a surprised Rarity, standing outside the door of the library that Twilight only opened ever so slightly.

I feel like this is an awkward mouthful to say. It's like eating some Life cereal and biting down hard on a piece of tooth or something. Like half of this is confusing or needlessly wordy.


I can't really picture Twilight saying "Yah" for some reason.

>With that Twilight opened up the door to allow Rarity a full view of what lay inside.

comma between "that" and Twilight.

I also think that the rest of the sentence after "Twilight" sounds off but I'm afraid I don't know how to explain it. Perhaps it's "full view of what lay inside."

>Flying around the library, seven different pegasi zipped around the library causing havoc.

I only wish I could imagine what this looks like. Since you didn't describe it, I can only wonder.

>Pinkie Pie stood grounded on the floor, trying to bring order to the chaotic scene.

I'm not really sure what this would look like, but I feel like it has potential for hilarity. What exactly is she doing anyway? Isn't this kinda like an oxymoron? Like fighting fire with more fire? It's okay, I just wish I knew what she was doing exactly.

>Rarity rolled her eyes, knowing that she did not want to take part in whatever was going on but knew that she would have to

Are we jumping into the mind of Rarity now? Since you started from her PoV, I will now pretend that the rest of the scene will be done in her PoV.

>The seven pegasi all shared one common characteristic, they were all sky blue.
>They look oddly similar to Rainbow Dash.

Just because they're blue? There's lots of blue pegasus ponies aren't there? Surely there's something else that makes Rarity think they look alike? Since you haven't described their hair yet, I have no real idea why Rarity thinks this.

>Rarity made sure to keep her distance from the chaos that took place in the center of the library.

What chaos? I'm not really even sure what's happening besides one of them flying and two others arguing with each other. If possible, I'd like to see the former paragraph of chaos extended so that I can get a feel for the havoc that's happening.

>"Well it sure cut her mane, look at each of the ponies' mane. Each one is a different color of the rainbow."

What does the color of their hair have to do with cutting hair? It split Rainbow Dash's body and personality, not her hair at all. Also, I think the Rainbow Dash's different colored hair should be mentioned up above with the sky blue part.

>"Yah I noticed that, now help me get them to stay put."

Gah, my headcanon doesn't allow me to think Twilight is saying the word "Yah."

>Twilight yelled at the flying pegasi to sit down and stay put. Six of them obeyed, but one of them stayed flying above the bookshelves.

I wish the first sentence was in dialogue but that's just my opinion. I also feel like "stayed flying" sounds weird.

>"Get down here Rainbow Dash!"

comma between "here" and "Rainbow Dash"

>"Not you," Twilight looked up toward the ceiling, as if she was hoping something would drop down from the sky to help her with this,

Replace the first and third commas with periods since those are actions, not speaking verbs. If it was a speaking verb, commas would be fine.

>Twilight pointed toward the flying Rainbow Dash with her hoof

What else was she going to point with? Her flank?

>"You can't make me come down!" jeered the flying Rainbow Dash, making faces and mocking Twilight.

Mocking Twilight is kinda implied by the faces, but I wish I knew what kind of faces she was making. I'll pretend she's making the same ones as when she was trying to provide the guard in season one, but I really wish you would write something like that down so I would at least have an idea.

>"That's it, Rarity go get Applejack, and tell her to bring a rope."

I think this could be reworded a bit better. How about this?

That's it! Rarity, go get Applejack and tell her to bring a rope."

>Following Twilight's orders, Rarity ran off to get Applejack from her farm.

"from her farm" seems superfluous. It also seems like you're telling us the obvious because we can see that Rarity is following orders since Twilight just said them. Perhaps if Rarity bowed and excused herself first? I'm not really sure, it just doesn't flow for me.

>Once she returned with Applejack, the purple unicorn relayed her plan to the farm pony. Smiling, Applejack began to spin a lasso, and within thirty seconds she had the flying Rainbow Dash on the ground and tied up.

Wow, that was fast. Rarity left and came back in such a short period of time. At least it feels like that because it doesn't even seem like she even left. Perhaps you should make Rarity leave and then have Twilight argue with the other Rainbow Dash some more first. Expand it a bit. Then when Rarity comes back, it actually feels like time passed.

Also, purple unicorn, farm pony. Take notice of LUS, mentioned above.

>"Well that was easier than lassoing a sleeping bull!" laughed Applejack.

comma between "well" and "that." Also, yeah, it did seem a bit too easy. Considering what happened during the Running of the Leaves, is AJ able to wrandle RD that easily? Is RD weaker now that she's split into seven? Also, is it possible to laugh this sentence?

>Pinkie Pie talking about all of the various Rainbow Dashes

This seems like a goldmine of potential just wasted. Instead of showing us how each of the Rainbow Dashes reacted earlier with Pinkie, this sounds like you're just telling us what each of them do. It's a form of telling instead of showing, which makes me very sad. I also think that you could have had a bit of their personality come out earlier when Twilight ordered them to stay still. Perhaps mention how some of them reacted. As it is, it sounds like Pinkie is psychic (okay, she sorta is with her fourth wall breaking powers and Pinkie Sense) but since nothing showed us how they reacted, it feels like a boring infodump.

However, I thought it was a nice touch how each of the Rainbow Dashes had their respective colors of the rainbow match up with her personalities. R.A.I.N.B.O.W matches up with R.O.Y.G.B.I.V perfectly. Kudos on that, good sir.

>Flipping frantically through the books that lay on the floor once more, the unicorn looked for a spell that would put Rainbow Dash back together.

Why did she need to get all of the Rainbow Dashes to stand still first? If the other six were already sitting there and the last was flying around, Twilight probably could have looked through the book and found the spell first. I assumed she had already found the spell and that's why she wanted them to sit still.

>The seven Rainbow Dashes responded in a mesh of words.

Since you're going to have them speak anyway, it's just filler to write this.

>Without a word the pegasi ran for the door and flew in every direction.

comma between "word" and "the pegasi"

>"Hey, get these ropes off me", whispered Brash Dash.

period goes on the other side, after "me" but before the quotation marks.

>With that Brash Dash left the orange maned pegasus to sit on the floor, waiting for Pinkie to finish her counting.

comma between "that" and "Brash"


add a space after the ellipsis.

>You're not very good at this game are you?"

comma after "game"

>she gave up, "I don't know, how much?"

that first comma is a period, since it's not a speaking verb.

>"I forgot, you obviously...."

I'm not sure what she was going to say. Also, it's an em-dash since she was interrupted by Twilight. Also, what was Applejack doing during this entire time? Did she leave after she tied up Rainbow Dash? You never said what she did, so I assumed she just sat there.

>Twilight exclaimed, turning to see that only one of the Rainbow Dash's remained in the library,

that second comma is a period. Also, since you have been saying Rainbow Dashes, change the above to match too for the sake of consistency.


No need to all-caps this, the interrobang implies shouting already.

>Twilight began to pace frantically in panic

Keep in mind the whole "began to" verb dealio. Just saying "paced" works well enough. Also, pace frantically and "in panic" mean the same thing. Delete one of them.

>Rarity hit Twilight across the face, bringing her back to reality.

Rarity is here too? I completely forgot that she didn't leave either after coming back with Applejack. What was she doing while Pinkie was playing with the Dashes?

>Rarity and Applejack were too busy helping Twilight find the book containing the spell to notice that all the Rainbow Dashes had escaped.

Yea, it would have been nice to know this BEFORE the whole thing with the Pinkies. I just assumed the other two vanished into thin air. You want to address this earlier so your readers aren't left going "where the heck are they?"

>Letting out a groan into the sky

This just sounds funny. Delete "into the sky" since it adds nothing to the sentence.

>Make sure they don't get out of your sight"

missing a period here.
>> No. 95369
File 133367098369.png - (88.41KB , 367x345 , Bon Bon131499708855.png )
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1AjiGCWaHJZcpf4634C5iA2BhoSrGCBddzP80OKpzxi8/edit
>> No. 95374
I actually had more than this already reviewed but it wouldn't fit into the post, so I had to cut it off early. Judging by how far I am in the story, the entire review will probably be four parts long (totally a guess). Let's continue on then, shall we?

Alright, impressions time for the first scene. If Pinkie had just let the Rainbow Dashes escape, why would Twilight leave her alone with them a second time? That's kinda idiot ball material. I think it's dumb that Pinkie would just let the others escape the first time but to fix that means you have no story, so I'll let that slide. Also, the mysteriously vanishing Rarity and Applejack was very jarring since we're not told what they did until several paragraphs afterwards, which makes the reader wonder, which is a bad thing. So far, the story has been set-up for some very interesting scenarios. We'll see what happens very shortly.

I also think that many of your sentences are oddly-worded or perhaps have a bit too much filler in them, but that's just me.

Reclaiming the Rainbow Dashes scene

>Approaching Ponyville central, the three seekers looked closely for oddly colored manes.

Since this is a change in scenery due to the scene break, you have to specify who the three seekers are. Also, how exactly are the "mares" oddly colored? They look like normal ponies to me. If anything, Rainbow Dash now sticks out less because she doesn't have rainbow colored hair anymore. So they're not oddly colored at all.

>they began to get odd looks from the townsponies

There's those "began to" verbs again.

>Finally, they spotted a yellow mane in the crowd at Sugar Cube Corner.

What's so special about a yellow mane? There are lots of pegasus with yellow manes. Doesn't mean it's Dash. It's kinda hard for them to even find RD unless they're up close, I would think.

>Pouncing from behind her

You just said "behind her" in the sentence before this one, so delete the "behind her" part since it's redundant.

>Rarity and Applejack came to make sure the Rainbow Dash didn't get away.

In what way? Came is a very weak verb (well, in one sense it isn't, but this isn't the same usage... I'm pretty sure). I'm not sure how they wanted to make sure RD didn't get away. It's like telling me what happens, but being so vague that I'm not entirely sure what's happening.

> It in fact belonged to Derpy Hooves who was just purchasing some muffins from the store.

Comma after "It" and "fact" Should look like this:

It, in fact, belonged to...

>The muffins lay smashed on the floor from the force of the tackle.

"From the force of the tackle" is more superfluous words since it's implied from context. You can axe it.

>After about a million apologies from Twilight,

Exaggerating like me makes me think your narrator is more like a character because he has a personality. It's better to just stick to the facts and say that Twilight repeatedly apologized instead.

>Derpy was helped up and brushed off, as if to take the pain from the blow off of her.

The second clause seems kinda vague and opinion-like. I've noticed that you like to use the terms "as if" something had happened. The second clause doesn't really add anything to your sentence besides add more pointless fluff.

>Looking sadly at the muffins that now covered the floor, it looked as though Derpy was about to cry.

"As if" and "as though" is more filler. I'm beginning to see a pattern here. Instead of telling her that she looked sadly or was about to cry, why not describe what that looks like?

>"Please don't cry," pleaded Twilight, "I'll buy you some new muffins."

You just said "cry" in the last sentence. Putting it so close to this sentence makes your sentence sound repetitive. That's why deleting the first one makes sense, because otherwise the repetitive sounds off to me.

>It was unneeded. Derpy happily began to munch the muffins off of the floor, giving Twilight a look of satisfaction.

Erm what? First she was sad, now she's happy? She changed her mind quick. Also, what does "happily munch" and "look of satisfaction" mean exactly? Could you describe it to me?

>"They taste better on the ceiling!" she exclaimed happily, enjoying her muffins that were clearly on the ground.

From your earlier telling, I can already tell that she's happy. Not to mention that everyone knows that Derpy + Muffins = happiness. That adverb "happily" isn't needed in this sentence. Also, I think that the second clause of "enjoying her muffins that were clearly on the ground" is also pointless to write, since they were clearly on the ground (Yes, I just repeated myself).

>as they opened the door they spotted a pegasus with a bright green mane.

comma between "door" and "they"

>green maned pegasus
>kind pegasus
>the white unicorn

Oh boy. I can tell that this story is going to get extremely confusing really fast because of the constant description + subject usage. Beware of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (mentioned above).

>Rarity put on her most distressed expression.

What does this look like? Please describe it to me and show it instead of telling it.

>If you would be so kind as to follow me that would be just lovely!

comma between "follow me" and "that would"

>Nice Dash thought about it for a second, and began to follow the white unicorn back to the tree library.

Turn "began to follow" into "followed" and "the white unicorn" into "Rarity."

>Twilight's eyes widened at how easily they had gotten one of the Rainbow Dashes.

This makes me wonder why Nice Dash even left in the first place. You'd think she would have tried to ask permission before running away. But if you did that, that would remove some of the story and that would be bad.

>As the pegasus and the unicorn trotted back to the library, Applejack and Twilight had spotted a new Rainbow Dash.


>Radical Dash had stirred up a crowd that watched her intently.
I'm not even sure what this looks like. I'm guessing that she "gathered up" a crowd because she did some amazing feat. Because Rainbow Dash is awesome.

>the crowd, and placed

delete this comma

>Looking up toward the sky, she took off at rapid speeds

This implies that she did both at the same time, which is not possible. Remove the comma and replace it with a conjunction instead. Also, change "took off at rapid speeds" which sounds awesome into a different verb that means the same thing. Perhaps something like burst or something. "Took off" is such a weak verb imo.

>began to do loops

"Began to do?" It's so... passive. It makes my skin crawl. Please change it into a verb instead.

>causing a massive sonic rainboom

Technically not a rainboom anymore since it has only one color.

>Ponies were picking themselves off the ground and shaking their heads trying to grasp reality again.

I think this should be reworded because it has three participles, which makes it a very unwieldy sentence. Perhaps "Ponies picked themselves off the ground and shook their head, trying to grasp reality." I still that sounds a bit weird, but it's a bit better at least.

>Suddenly, the crowd burst into hysteria.
>The ponies were absolutely stupefied by the epic endeavors of the pegasus who still stood indifferent meters away.

First you tell us stuff and then in the next sentence (not shown here), you show it to us, thus making the telling part pointless. Also, I just feel like saying "suddenly" in a sentence is kinda pointless since said action immediately happens afterward. But that's just me.

>Radical Dash turned to the crowd and waited for complete silence. Then she graced them with her voice.

I'm beginning to think that your narrator has a personality of his own instead of being an objective observer. Just an observation, but that might be what you were going for, since you're trying to make Radical Dash cool.

>The crowd went wild once more, celebrating this pegasus who had won their hearts with the amazing tricks she could perform.

Replace "this" with "the" and replace "could perform" with "performed" since she did actually perform said tricks.

>Can I have an autogra...."

Four periods? What is this? Ragglefraggle. Anyhoo, since it's an interruption, replace it with an em-dash. It doesn't really sound like it's trailing off due to context, so an ellipsis wouldn't work here. For future reference, you don't normally put periods and ellipsis together, so it would just be three periods, not four. But I guess that depends on where you're writing from. The rules for English differ from country to country after all.

Also, put a space between this paragraph and the one after it.

>Without even looking back or allowing Applejack to finish her sentence, Radical Dash reached into her saddlebag and pulled out an already signed autograph.

"or allowing Applejack to finish her sentence" is already implied by the em-dash and can be deleted.

>She tossed it behind her, without even looking to see where Applejack was, and landed the autograph in between the orange pony's teeth as she was about to finish her sentence.

This sentence sounds kinda confusing and unwieldy. "As she was about to finish her sentence" can also be safely removed, since you already mentioned it at least three times before.

>The pegasus did this all while continuing to trot forward, not breaking a single step.

Breaking a step? Isn't that an odd turn of phrase? Isn't it normally "breaking a sweat?" I also think that you're trying too hard to emphasize her coolness.

> wide eyed


>Twilight Sparkle stared wide eyed and amazed at this pegasus, but quickly remembered the task at hand. It was her turn to try to get Radical Dash.

Sometimes your phrasing is very, very... different than what I'm used to.

>It was her turn to try to get Radical Dash.

Applejack tried to get Rainbow Dash? It seems more like she was attracted by her awesomeness and completely forgot what she was doing. Perhaps she had some vivid daydreams of them making out for no apparent reason besides being awesome.

>"Radical Dash, I'm having a sunglasses convention at my house, wanna come?"
>"Cool story."
>Twilight growled. It was impossible to get Radical Dash to do anything. Twilight gave up trying to use deceit to bring the red maned pegasus back to the library.

Erm, what? I'm not really sure what's happening here, why Twilight jumped to conclusions, or why she gave up so fast. Not to mention that I pictured Rarity doing that, not Twilight. Where is Rarity anyway? Isn't she there too? Is she making out with Applejack or something?

Looking back, I remembered that Rarity went back to the Treehouse with the Nice Dash, but I wanted to make another shipping joke somewhere.

>Instead, she just lifted her up with her magic powers, and trotted happily off to the library carrying her with telekinetic magic.

Hmm, this is a awkward sounding sentence. Consider rewording it or breaking it up to make it easier to understand. I know that it's just Twilight picking up Rainbow with her magic and skipping towards the library, so why not just say that?

If I were to reword this, I'd try:

Instead, she grabbed Rainbow with her telekinesis and skipped towards the library.

I'm probably not the best at making examples, but let me explain my reasoning. This avoids the need to mention Twilight using her magic twice in the same sentence as well as avoiding that pointless adverb by turning it into an actual verb. It also gets rid of the word "just" which tends to be filler in narrative (acceptable in dialogue though).

>After searching in every possible crevice of the central square, Applejack was just about ready to give up.

Pacing issues. This doesn't really speak to me in terms of time passing or what's happening. Perhaps list some examples of what she did, otherwise it seems like she gives up too easily.

>She tried to think where she would go if she was an embodiment of aspects of Rainbow Dash's personality.

"embodiment of aspects of Rainbow Dash's personality" sounds like a mouthful. :o

>After thinking about it for a moment, it hit her.

This makes me think that Applejack had an idea, but you meant that the actual embodiment of her personality hit her. I'm not sure what to think about this though, but I wanted to make a note of it.

>both the ponies stared at each other.

both of the ponies

>Idiot Dash's yellow mane was speckled with mud, but it wasn't apparent why. It hadn't rained for over a week, and there wasn't any mud anywhere. Or maybe it wasn't mud at all.

Everything after "speckled with mud" seems out of place and pointless to talk about. Plus it has disturbing implications. Everyone that reads this sentence is now going to think it's poop or something.

>"Get off me!" yelled one of the stallions, repulsed by the behavior of the pegasus.

second clause is obvious, thus filler.

>licked the stallion's face, and then took off toward the sky

delete the comma and delete the "then"

>"Hey would you mind coming down here for a second?"

comma between "hey" and "would"

>Applejack realized that if she was going to get this pegasus she'd need to use basic terms.

comma between "pegasus" and "she'd"

Also, turn "she'd" into "she would"

Also, basic terms is not the word you're looking for. She understood her request just fine, it's just that she listened to Applejack too literally.

>The pegusus looked up again

pegasus, not pegusus

>Applejack, unaware that Idiot Dash had not finished counting, pounced anyway.

This makes me feel like Applejack saw Dash trying to fly away and then pounced anyway, which isn't quite what you're looking for. Just delete the "anyway" and your sentence should be good.

> When she landed she only found dirt between her hooves.

comma between "landed" and "she"

>How could it be so hard to capture such an idiotic pegasus?

I don't quite understand. She only tried twice. That's considered hard?

>Applejack stood angrily on the ground, glaring at the flying pegasus.

How exactly does one "stand angrily?" This adverb adds nothing to your sentence. If you meant that Applejack was angry and not the way she stood, that's what the glaring is for.

>Pondering the many options she had, she watched as the pegasus flew in circles over and over again.

Your phrasing is awkward, yada yada, I apologize for repeating myself, I just wanted to make sure you knew.

>"Rainbow Dash get down from there, you might fall!"

comma between Rainbow Dash and "get down"

I think I'm about to cap another Ponychan post, so I'm going to end Part 2 of the review right here. More parts are coming soon, but I figured I shouldn't keep you waiting for the entire thing all at once. Mostly, it gets confusing with lots of LUS and your phrasing is awkward as well as having lots of filler words and a few misused commas, but since we're not even halfway through the story yet, we'll see what other things pop up.

Anyway, I hope I was helpful.

Since I'm not actually finished with this scene yet, I can't say what my general impressions are quite yet. Until next time, take care and keep writing!
>> No. 95376

Thanks for the review. I agree with you on the most part, however there are some things I'd like to point out.

>Don't start your fic with a weather report

I agree, however the effect was to create a broody mood, and it accomplished just that.

>Thought tags

Question: What the heck is a thought tag? Is it a mention that he's thinking? Don't confuse it with being rude, but I ask out of curiosity and curiosity's sake.

>Last two sentences should be his thoughts

I thank you for that. Looking on it now, I do think it could use more showing than telling.

>The way you wrote it makes him sound like a Wolverine pegasus pony

In the chat, I didn't quite understand, but thanks to this I now know it needs rewording. Thanks.

>Repeated use of Captain

Duly noted and changing.

>Mentioning of how long it took him to make the spell

Also duly noted and changing.

>Foals should tumble out


>Or is it Twilight Sparkle?

Yes. Yes it is.

Anyway, thanks very kindly for the review! I appreciate it! All your suggestions I've looked at and am changing what I feel necessary. Thanks.
>> No. 95377
File 133367495755.jpg - (174.56KB , 1100x780 , Bon Bon131998902961.jpg )
But you still shouldn't start with a weather report. A weather report at the beginning screams 'newbie author.'

Thought tags are like dialog tags (said) but for the main character's thoughts, thought AzuNyan.
>> No. 95380

>thought tagging

It would be something like this. But, really, I think it's not an improvement. If you quote thought directly, plain text is gonna ruin your day.

>Come on, open! he raged. You blasted piece of idiotic machinery, I said open!

My favorite solution is to use free indirect discourse for thought

>He cursed the blasted piece of idiotic machinery. Open, dammit!

but that changes the effect quite a bit. In particular, it only works with a 3rd-subjective narrator. (You have one, by the way, so it's an option.) Too much can ruin a fic for some readers.
>> No. 95382
Rain pounded on the cobblestone streets of the High Capital as a brown unicorn galloped through the dark city. His heart was racing near quickly as he was, trying to keep up with his own adrenaline. Hoof after hoof met with cold wet ground as he tried to keep his delirious self from slipping. His vision was dulled and blurry, and the rain only made matters worse.

That's not a weather report, you know. That's an action-driven description. It can be improved with copyediting, and yes, I'd switch the first two clauses around, but it's okay to start with the weather as long as a character is interacting with it.

If you want to see a subversive application of the trope, stay tuned. I'm submitting my next story tonight or tomorrow, and it starts with exactly that.
>> No. 95383

Okay. I guess what I can do is imply the rain rather than outright say it.

And for thought tags, I honestly forgot what they were at first. When you both showed me examples, the gears in my head focused on grammatical structure turned on. Literally. My ears are puffing out black smoke as I speak.

But enough of my attempts at being funny. Here's a great thank you.

Also, I got another email today from EQD. This time 'Pre-reader 6(followed by random string of letters and numbers)' said the following as opposed to Pre-reader 23's comments in the first post:

Thank you for your submission to Equestria Daily. I cannot at this time recommend it for posting, due to numerous errors in the writing and tone:
The writing in general is very awkward, with poor word agreement and missing words not making it any easier to read. There are formatting errors as well, including extra whitespace and un-italicized thoughts.
Do not use asterisks in prose. Sounds can exist on the page unaltered, or in italics.
The dialogue is very poor, especially between Diamondback and Skyward. The former sounds like a pat villain, spouting lines I've heard numerous times before to poor effect. Furthermore, the conversation serves only as exposition and is thus very dry.
Use of the phrase "a single tear" is generally frowned upon as an over-the-top attempt to force emotion out of an otherwise emotionless scene, as it is in this piece.
Finally, I was not entirely convinced of the ability of one seemingly normal unicorn mage to rewrite his world into Equestria, especially as I assume the 'successor' he spoke of is Celestia.

Obviously, he thought wrong about Celestia as the successor, but whatever: that's not the point. He goes on later to say that he would like a first chapter submitted after. I have finished the first Episode, and I'm still going through it for expansion and mistakes along with Azu's help (which I thank you kindly for).

I honestly love getting reviewed. THIS IS NOT SARCASM. Every time I get a review, I feel as if my story is that closer to being just where I want it to be.

Thank you all!
>> No. 95384
Oh, forgot to mention. I could use someone's help on what the pre-reader said.
>> No. 95392
>The writing in general is very awkward, with poor word agreement and missing words not making it any easier to read.

My advice: get a copy of It Was the Best of Sentences, It Was the Worst of Sentences. If you will write for school or work ever, it will pay for itself.

>There are formatting errors as well, including extra whitespace

There may be; I've not proofread.

>un-italicized thoughts. Do not use asterisks in prose.
Somepony doesn't read real fiction. Excuse me while I go rattle their cage. Politely.

>The dialogue is very poor, especially between Diamondback and Skyward. The former sounds like a pat villain, spouting lines I've heard numerous times before to poor effect. Furthermore, the conversation serves only as exposition and is thus very dry.

Dialog is hard, and you'll probably have to ask specifically for criticism on it. Many reviewers avoid it. Because it's hard.

>Use of the phrase "a single tear"

>Finally, I was not entirely convinced of the ability of one seemingly normal unicorn mage to rewrite his world into Equestria, especially as I assume the 'successor' he spoke of is Celestia.

This is, uh, bad criticism. I'm seriously gonna think about this over dinner.

Thanks for sharing. I promise I'm gonna go be polite. You definitely have work to do -- I'd reject on the first couple of paragraphs -- but, I'm getting sick of BS reasons from PRs.
>> No. 95395
File 133367948393.png - (1.00MB , 692x800 , my_little_old_republic_by_derpiihooves-d4p0j5z (1).png )
Hey guys, just dropping chapter 4 here. Please and thank you.

Tags: Dark, Sci-Fi, Crossover, Normal

>> No. 95396
File 133367950917.jpg - (21.46KB , 384x192 , LunarShadowHuman.jpg )

Synopsis: Trixie has a bad run in with the Trottingham ponies, but one stands up for her and offers his services as a bodyguard. She accepts and they embark on a journey. Perhaps Trixie will learn something.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1F-UxO0Ovvq4-QfBGQE11ktkoZIDA2CQDofdmJhqDRIw/edit

Err... just general help needed. Whatever you can offer is appreciated. Also, my brain went missing. I had no idea what to tag this, so help with that would be welcome too.

And thank you in advance. May you enjoy the story.
>> No. 95404
File 133368031645.png - (59.28KB , 900x563 , DashieImage.png )
Title: Wingless
Author: Ryonne
Tags: [Sci-Fi] [Dark] [Adventure]

Synopsis: Rainbow Dash awakens one day to find herself in the ATaMoTS, an infinite testing chamber controlled by a peculiar AI named Adam. When events go awry, Dash is forced into a battle against her own perception of morality and her very sanity. Will the pegasus manage to successfully escape this world, or will she be forced to wander its depths forever?

4. Links: (Below)

Chapter 1:
Chapter 2:

Comments: The main things the prereaders were bothered by were minor awkward phrasing issues (some stemming from claimed comma abuse) and a bit of OoC actions on the part of Rainbow Dash. They were a bit vague besides that, and only really mentioned isolated scenes. However, it was rejected, so the issues brought up may extend beyond said scenes.

I would like a full review, please. Any grammatical errors you can catch would be appreciated, and any suggestions on how to fix Dash's portrayal would definitely be welcomed. Besides that, I would like more clarity on the issues herein, and also any issues that the prereaders didn't notice. So, in other words that aren't extensively drawn out and unnecessarily bogged down, I would like an in-depth review, please.
>> No. 95406
I'm happy to see a response!

Anyway, I'll get that book you mentioned when I get some cash. It sounds mighty helpful.

If you could, can you go through the Prelude with a fine tooth comb and check for grammatical errors and the like that was mentioned in the email?

That would really ease my already fried nerves.
>> No. 95408
Why can't I join the irc?
>> No. 95409
You might have a slow connection
>> No. 95410
You might ask: >>94131
>> No. 95411
File 133368260793.gif - (2.21MB , 200x174 , 132570305718.gif )
my facial expression as I skim through the posts over the past two days.

Happy face was >>95240 through >>95248.
>> No. 95412
Thanks for pointing the way!
>> No. 95418
Hey Azu! Out of curiosity (and mild impatience, sorry 'bout that), are you working of the first Episode?
>> No. 95420
No, sorry. I'll probably get to it tomorrow.
>> No. 95421
Okay. Thanks for the update!
>> No. 95469
File 133369556940.jpg - (2.81KB , 125x95 , 132726240799s.jpg )
lolhai gogli docz

Line-by-line in doc. About time, too!

Well, I rather enjoyed it, as with the previous two chapters. Only a few lines stick out - RD's initial reaction and Pinkie's dialogue, which I've made notes on via comments. Your pacing is good, and so are the descriptions. I do have a suggestion: it was winter in the prologue, and that means chilly drafts and wet hooves. Adding a bit of description to fit this woud be like adding the garnish on a cake, because it adds continuity. Not too much, though.

Really, there's not much more to say. I liked it, and if you do come back to TTG for your next chapters, and I've got the time, I'll be the one claiming them. You certainly do have the writing chops, and I'm curious to see if you've got a plot that matches up.
>> No. 95475
File 133370464783.png - (515.21KB , 900x675 , +++and_then_he_became_one_of_them_by_imalou-d4tdj7h.png )
Ancient Dangers - Synopsis Review & Forethoughts
Okay, so the first thing that comes to mind is your synopsis.

To quote,

>The world is changing. Animals behave strangely. Something bad is going on in Equestria, something bad is affecting it. something is corrupting it.

The way you spell the synopsis is... awkward, to say the least. For starters, you need to capitalize all words that come after a period, exclamation or question mark. An exception to this is during dialog. For example,

>"Where are you going?" asked the lavender unicorn.

However, outside of dialog, you will have to capitalize the first character after any exclamation or question mark, in addition to periods. Another issue is that in my opinion, you have far too many short and crude sentences in your synopsis. You want your viewer to be excited. You want them to ask themselves, "what is going to happen? What will happen? How will the world change? I have to know!"

While such an instantaneous reaction from the synopsis alone is hard to achieve, you can at least start building up on it, which is what we call a hook. You want to hook them to your story as soon as possible, before they lose interest. For example,

>The world as ponies knew it is changing. Animals behave strangely. Something sinister is working its way into Equestria; something horrifying is affecting it.
>Something is corrupting it.

In this case, using crude and short sentences is okay. Sentences like "Animals behave strangely" are far too vague. I recommend rethinking the first paragraph to give a better dramatic and/or epic feeling by adding words that directly attribute to this objective (e.g. replace 'bad' with horrifying, reviling, monstrous). Be a bit more specific.

>The elements will travel
The Elements* or the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. Considering "Elements of Harmony" is a name, if you're going to use the article the, then you'll have to capitalize the word "Elements", because you are directly referring to a name (The Elements of Harmony.)

>outside their home in Ponyville
This is very awkward. Consider this instead:
>"The Elements will travel from their homes in Ponyville."

It's awkward because you're saying that they're going to travel outside. The opposite is traveling inside. Sounds silly, does it not? It's a given fact that they are going to travel outside of their home town. When constructing sentences like that, if you feel that the term, word or phrase is awkward, consider what the opposite may be, and if it makes sense.

>to try to fix whatever evil is happening.
Evil doesn't just happen, and using the word 'fix' is awfully nondescript. Considering I haven't even begun reading your story, I cannot comment on what you should replace this with (I'll get to that later on if I reach the end), but what you should do is omit (remove) the words 'fix' and 'happen'. Consider something along the lines of,

>"The Elements will leave their home town of Ponyville in an effort to try and stop the evil that is spreading rampart across the face of Equestria."

This, however, is an ending sentence, and will be quite awkward in conjunction with the other two lines. Let's get to those.

>They will travel throught the world, meeting new and strange creatures, places, and dangers.
>(Image provided by http://subjectnumber2394.deviantart.com)
Honestly, I feel like this entire paragraph is rather redundant. It really sounds like a video game description (mine does too, admittedly, which is why you should consider something along the lines of, instead of an exact copy & paste.) If I get to the end, I'll offer a better description.

Right then, synopsis done! Let's get down to the Prologue.

Ancient Dangers - Prologue Review

>The blue light from the magical torches illuminated the forgotten chamber.
Excellent. You've got me curious. What is this chamber? Where am I? Who am I? What am I even looking at? You've got your reader interested, however this line is rather nondescript. I noticed you plan on explaining it further on, but consider having a bit more detail in the very first line through the usage of phrases such as "dim-lit," "cold" and such. Try and give us an atmosphere right off the bat.

>whose meaning didn't had any sense now
Correction #1
>whose meaning didn't have any sense now.
Alternative correction #2
>whose meaning no longer had any sense.

The word 'now' seems out of place, so I recommend omitting and replacing it with something of more note, such as:

>whose meaning no longer bears any sense.

Moving on,
>The roof of that room was also adorned with those runes, and was almost 40 feet above the adventurers.
That room. We are in this very room, so the correct article would be "the." Now let's look at the sentence now,
>The roof of the room was also adorned with those runes, and was almost 40 feet above the adventurers.
Wait, adventurers? What adventurers? You should introduce them earlier, for example in the very first paragraph. Use the lighting of the torches to introduce them. How is up to you.

>was also adorned with those runes
Again, "those runes" and "also" sounds very awkward. To be honest, they're mostly informal words. Consider completely removing "also" from "was also adorned", and the rest of the words I complained about. Let us look at the sentence now:

>The roof of the room was adorned with runes, and was almost 40 feet above the adventurers.
Much better! Problem is, now it's too short and lacks detail. This is the time to add more to it!
>The roof of the dim-lit room was adorned with bright, blue runes, and its roof extended almost 40 feet above the adventurers.
See? A tad more detailed, and also a bit more mystical!

>contrasting with the rest of the floor,
Omit the comma, and add a period in its place.

>made with the
Add "it was" at the beginning of the new sentence. This is mostly to reduce awkwardness, because at this point the reader no longer knows what you're talking about. They'll have to think hard, which would put a dent in your flow.

>fires was the only thing listenable in such place, for not even the wind could reach it.
Listenable is a pretty bad word for such a mystical story. You would want to replace it with words that interact with the completeness of either silence or noise. i.e.,
>fires was the only thing that cut across the silence of the dark chamber, for not even the howls of the wind could reach it.
Also, had you kept "such place," you would require the article "a" before "place."

>Three of the whole bunch of misfits entered the chamber from its only door first.
Another awkward sentence. 'First' is poorly placed, and so is 'bunch'. Consider the following:
>The bunch of misfits came to a stop in front of the enormous doorway, and the three leading ponies stepped into the new room cautiously.

Let's continue,
>A lavender unicorn with black mane, wearing a purple robe.
You'll have to add an action or detail after 'robe'—you just can't end a sentence like that. Alternatively, you can say,
>A robe-wearing lavender unicorn with black mane,
and after that begin listing the others. Either way, it's awkward to end a sentence like that. So there's a lavender unicorn with black mane, wears a robe—and? You gave us a description of someone, now it's time to give us some depth.

>Followed by a flying
Can't do that with a period before it. Either add 'she', 'he' or 'the unicorn'. An indicator of who was followed by a flying-.

>A stallion with dark green hide and a brown mane, also wearing a light green-colored robe.
Same error as the one with Twilight. Patch it up.

>A stallion with dark green hide and a brown mane
I believe you mean coat, rather than hide. Coat is the fur—for example, Pinkie Pie's coat is pink. Twilight's is lavender, Rainbow Dash's is blue, and so on.

>the stallion said. His voice echoed throughout the place.
Let your sentence flow. It's imperative to writing a good fanfic.
>the stallion said, his voice echoing across the room.

>like if the
As if the.

>the other unicorn said, as she inspected every detail of the room
Which unicorn said this? I've got a feeling it's Twilight, in which case you've got the characterization right, but please clarify it in everywhere. Search, if I point out all your mistakes it's an automated process. It's you who has to learn to find these mistakes, now that I've pointed them out.

>Her master crafted green longbow
Confusing. Consider the following:
>Her masterfully crafted green longbow

>if that's hum... okay with you,"
I know this is in-character and all, but it's such an overused saying. I'm quite certain Fluttershy hasn't said it more than twice in the entire show—consider creating a feeling of hesitation, which is all you really need if you want your viewers to feel like it's Fluttershy talking.

>like if she didn't want the walls to hear her.
Depends on what your aim of this sentence is. Coupled with the "if that's okay with you," it's extremely redundant. I like this sentence, so consider removing the latter, and keeping this one.

>yelled and throw herself to the floor,
Tense shift. She yelled, and as such she threw herself onto the floor.

>she was wearing a dark blue leather armor,
Remove the article 'a'.

>In her left hoof, there was a small crossbow attached to it by a leather strip around her hoof. In her belt, there was a small bag, that clinked with every one of her movements.
Consider revising. In here, this. In there, that. And over here, this. You're basically a tourguy in the museum. You're telling us what we're shown, or that's how I feel.

>"Yeah... I-I guess you are right," Fluttershy said with a faint smile. She then stood up again, "I... think that we will make it pass this too," she even blushed at the thought.

This paragraph has... numerous grammatical mistakes. When you put a period after Fluttershy said, the dialog halted. While the dialog has stopped, we're still on the same paragraph, so using 'said' isn't that essential anymore. However, considering "she stood up again" is not a speaking action, you cannot have a comma after "again." Consider revising to something along the lines of,
>The yellow pegasus stood up again. "I... think that we will make it pass this too," she said, and even blushed at the thought.

>"You know what this calls for? A party! And not just any party... but the biggest, longest and super duperest party in the WHOLE WORLD!"

I would personally (read: personal preference) write it as:

>You know what this calls for?!" the pink pony asked, a huge grin spreading across her face. "A party! And not just any party... but the biggest, longest and super duperest party in the WHOLE WORLD!"

>a serious look in her face
On her face. The look isn't within herself, but outside of it; placed upon.

>"Wow! This place continues to intrriggue me!"
One too many "g"s. I recommend installing a spelling checker Addon, although most browsers come with one.

...and unfortunately, this is where I have to stop. I've gotten to 1,881 words when I'm only halfway through your chapter. Please, I'm completely certain everything I've pointed out occurs numerous times across your fanfiction. Search and destroy; find all the consistent mistakes. There are some I left out intentionally so that you would find them yourself (an example is another usage of hide rather than coat.)

Good luck with your fanfiction,
>> No. 95480
Title: Aetiology
Authors: cause&effect and smoulderfly
Tags: [Dark] [Adventure]

Synopsis (and do forgive me if this doesn't make sense, I'm too tired right now to tell and I'm shit with synopses):
When an accident thrusts Spark Shadow out of a dark cave for the first time in a thousand years, he is forced to leave his family at the mercy of a tyrannical alicorn king. In order to rescue them, he reluctantly becomes Starswirl the Bearded’s apprentice. But he quickly learns that immortality is no blessing, and as Spark and his family discover their roles in Equestrian history, they are confronted by a darkness that has followed them into the light.

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1m_2K6MfaQCJxIFjhlWZbvKWesjQLgaczUNWoNvKwO14/edit
Chapter One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BcG5-zYj_6s2zv-4-sKXvZBbHOUyNJ3xCuQIkwIC8P0/edit
Chapter Two: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HkwK--8HRR70J1ZSq4Dh0-cdd-WrHGJDQJqmcg8MEWA/edit
Chapter Three: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10fuuWXuK1SVT3NZUPcObJ9feR-zv5En7whM4ON8egFw/edit

Ezn reviewed the Prologue through to Chapter Two a month or two ago, and I've made the changes he's requested. Chapter three is new.
The plan for the story is for it to be an epic spanning from roughly 200 years before the founding of Equestria (that's counting from chapter one onwards; the prologue is roughly 1200 years before the founding) all the way to a few decades in the future of present-day Equestria (ie what you see in the show). We've been trying to remain as canon as possible. "Pegasopolis" is a placeholder until I can come up with a better name for the pegasus country.
The tagline (that will be in the cover art, which we have commissioned) is "Darkness will consume them. Harmony will redeem them. History will forget them." Awesome, right? Right. That just about sums up what the story is about. In fact, I should make that the synopsis.
Anyway, the story so far is currently 40,773 words long, so please make sure you have the time to read it all if you're going to review it. I have no requests other than suggestions for formatting on a flashback in chapter three (I went with italics but I'm not 100% on that). Just please critique it to the best of your ability as we're planning on submitting it to EqD eventually. Thank you!
>> No. 95481
Hey, all! My story has still not been claimed. Humbly requesting a review.

However, this IS a military themes thread, and I AM a Drill Sergeant. Don't make me drop the scunion on y'all...
>> No. 95486

Don't worry. You're in my queue and it isn't long. I'll be taking another look at one of the stories in my queue and then review your story. I'll probably get to it tomorrow.

This is not a claim, merely a reminder to Jake that his story is in my queue and I'm getting to it.
>> No. 95496
Tags: Comedy, Random, Slice-of-Life, Crossover (Doctor Who)
Synopsis: What's life like on an average day for the Whooves family? Crazier than anypony could ever believe. So grab your TARDIS and leave those Weeping Pegasi behind, because we're off to insanity and adventure! It's Another Day For the Whooves!
Links (FiM): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lyUEkhU38CtinwPf3En5S5eLFev1bdYbINM37H9ZZ6E/edit (original Chapter 1)
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11343/Another-Day-For-the-Whooves (edit post-submission; all chapters)
Chapters: All, please
The pre-readers at Equestria Daily said:

1) Graphic content. This is supposed to be a comedy/slice-of-life, but this segment reads like something out of a [Grimdark]. It ruined a few appatites because of imagery it conjured.
>>The cybermat looked up at her, screeching innocently. Its abdomen was quite shattered from where Sparkler had kicked it, while its head was twisted to one side. It seemed to smile pleadingly, though the effect was a bit spoiled by its rotted techno-organic jaw.  

2) Show vs. Tell  The entire second section is the Doctor wandering around and looking at things while thinking aloud or talking to himself. At the very end, there's a tiny bit of dialogue, but that's it.

3) Sound effects. Typing them out is really frowned upon... can't you describe them instead?

Three and four made me chuckle, and I did enjoy them.
[Suggested Fixes]
 I've got to request you do something to completely eliminate that one cruelty segment.
Fix the sound effects, and take the story over to ponychan for a review. When you resubmit, include a link to the review thread, and we'll give it another look.
>> No. 95497

Thanks a bunch. I really value your opinion. You and Nietzsche are my saviors with my writing.
>> No. 95499
Tags: Comedy, Random
Synopsis: Traveling back in time once is more than enough. But more than once, and involuntarily? Sheesh. Twilight and the rest of the Mane Six are about to find out just how "crazy" (or bored) ponies can become when exposed to decades of time looping shenanigans.
Reader come in, there's pony within. Prepare yourself for the horror, the wonder, and the insanity of the Equestrian Time Loop Files, preserved here for transdimensional hilarity. And please remember not to feed the Temporasprites.
Links (FiM): http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19274/Equestria%3A-The-Time-Loop-Files
Chapters: There's only one
Comments/requests: Just wondering if I should put in more exposition, rather than just absurd craziness. Also, I plan to submit this to EqD within the next 1-2 chapters; do you think they would take something more devoted to cracky humor than any real plot? Thank you!
>> No. 95502
Alrighty. I'm not sure if I can give you a full review, but I can let you know what I thought/noticed after reading it.

First off, I do find the premise interesting. However (and this is possibly my fault), I found it hard to mentally get Adam "in character," so to speak, in that it wasn't quite clear to me exactly what he was doing and what he wanted, and why. Part of the problem may be that I kept imagining him as GLaDOS, and so the constant dialogue between him and RD seemed a bit awkward in that he seemed to honestly seemed to understand certain things about ponies, yet wanted to keep RD trapped there nonetheless.

I also missed the purpose for the testing (though, again, I sometimes skim, so that's likely my fault). To compare it to Portal once again (sorry), in that series, you didn't need a reason- Cave Johnson is insane and GLaDOS promised you cake; end of story. While in this fic, I find the facility generally interesting, yet can't really see the overall point.

Just a note: you did have some points of grammar issues, but nothing a bit of typo editing can't fix. And just something I would recommend- you may want to edit out any and all contractions from Adam's speech patterns (excepting when he's gone intl "HAL" mode, as I called it)- that way, he seems more artificial. It's just awkward for the reader to see, "Do you hereby comply to act as a test subject," right next to, "I don't know what you're talking about, Rainbow Dash." Those aren't actual excerpts, but you get the idea.

Those are just my comments. Now, for the pre-reader comments!

>>The main things the prereaders were bothered by were minor awkward phrasing issues (some stemming from claimed comma abuse)
See my bit above on typoes and re-editing (seriously, just print it out, double-spaced, and go over it with a red pen. Easy enough.)

>>and a bit of OoC actions on the part of Rainbow Dash.
I have to admit that I did notice this- Rainbow Dash seemed a little to shellshocked throughout much of the chapter; I wanted her to argue with or insult Adam- brash, boyish personality that she is- and most of the time she was just either passive or too withdrawn to seem like the "real" Rainbow Dash.

Other than that, I think this is definitely an interesting idea, and wish you luck with the pre-readers on your second go! Happy writing!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95504
In case any of you prefer GoogleDocs format, here's a link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1YXTnfAeBSNZ4T5jXxYyg_9rrwR0Xdkq3mwwdQz4E1WU/edit
>> No. 95506
Thanks a bunch for the assistance. I can't tell you how much it helps to have a second pair of eyes catching my mistakes.

As you probably noticed, and were too nice not to shove in my face, the characterization is off by a few notes. RD isn't acting like RD, and Pinkie Pie seems a little too resistant to the chaotic situation, instead of embracing it and adding to the confusion like she should.

You didn't appear to have any qualms about AJ's outburst, but I'll just assume you were giving me the benefit of the doubt with that creative liberty, so I'll try to not overextend her personality so much in the future.

I think what I need is a nice writing exercise: a one-shot (or two) to help refine my characterizations of the mane six. In a story like mine, I need all the characters to be real and fleshed-out, so I will take this seriously and study hard. And it wouldn't hurt to maybe watch the episodes again for reference :)

Again, thank you. It's nice to know that I've got someone on the inside to help me out with the small stuff.

Catch you later!
>> No. 95507
Here are the GoogleDoc versions of the chapters, in case you prefer them:

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-Lga8AzA-7XE7dkvlmtqoAhLQA4fHdtnkbRVW35HktI/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sWbvqynN8QKQbuIg8WaMfdH926xXkaBRKeqQb7xfn8A/edit

Thanks again!
>> No. 95508
Well done, this is a good review.

I am certain the thread could use your further assistance as you wait.

Welcome to the game, may you enjoy playing.
>> No. 95515
Well, here goes nothing!


>>They once controlled the forces of nature with their wings, cared for animals with their kindness, and sent the sun and the moon through the sky with their magic. But when their population had begun to dwindle, nature had resumed its wild reign over the world, the animals had learned to care for themselves, and the celestial bodies had begun to move on their own accord.
EXTREMELY nitpicky, but I think you might want to rearrange the tenses that you have in this paragraph. Such as, "They HAD once controlled the forces of nature," or, "The animals [learned] to care for themselves."

>> With his last bit of strength, he rolled onto his side and pulled close the bones of the mare who had been by his side until the moment she had finally passed.
I loved this whole segment. I have no idea who this guy is, bu t you've done an excellent job in pulling off an emotional feel here. Well done!

>>4000 years before present-day Equestria…
I would probably change this to [Four thousand years ago...]
Usually, numerals in fanfiction disrupt the flow, and changing "before [Equestria]" to "...ago" might help you with the whole "mythological history" angle you seem to be gong for.

>>His beard was now long enough for pensive stroking, which, as a wizard, he took much pleasure in.
I think you have a great sense of humor throughout, which poked through in sentences like this. Almost a tongue-in-cheek style while also managing to keep a serious tone overall.

>>He’d done it before. He’d recreated the pony races twice before today, but today would be different. Previously there had been humans to live in harmony with the ponies, but without the humans these new ponies would have to be built to care for themselves. These new ponies would be the caretakers of the land, building their own cities and civilizations with their own hooves.
Hrm...now I'm confused. Note that this isn't an objection or anything, but I'm starting to wonder exactly why Starswill is "outside" of the average pony race- especially as we know he was around for the first Hearth's Warming Eve. I'm also thinking about the whole "immortality" thing that pops up here and there; not quite sure what to think of it or what its relevance is. Again, not a negative, just something I'm now thinking about.

>>“I need to make a list. I really hate lists.”

>>Starswirl’s gaze stopped on a misplaced vial at the end of the shelf, and an excited grin lit up his face like a wildfire in a forest of dry leaves.
Again, I'm reminded that you write excellent prose. You really make the reader SEE what's going on, and for that I salute you!

>>it would be impossible to obtain anymore
Just a simple typo. I hope you're able to notice it. :P

>>Yes, what this world needs now, he thought as he took one of his few remaining bottles of pony essence and mixed it with a bit of his raw base potion, is something completely different.

Seriously, though- thus far, I can't remember ever reading a fanfic with this kind of premise. Originality will get you far!

>>As smoke began to rise from the rocks, he decided it would be best if he hid in some tall grass nearby, lest he be punched by a rock again.
No! Wait! There're Geodude in the tall grass! Run Star Swirl, run!

>>Their muzzles are all soaked in blood!
I think you did an excellent job with the mood whiplash here. I was definitely taken aback by it- nice transition, making us feel Star Swirl's slowly dawning horror along with him.

>>The sooner I take care of this mistake, the sooner I can get back to creating non-bloodthirsty ponies, he thought as he came to the section titled “Lightning Spells”. Ah, this will do nicely.

Not that I don't realize that this was necessary, but I was slightly taken aback at this. Something you might want to add in here is a sort of internal rationalizing that the reader is privy to- "They're irredeemable," or "He'd dealt with creatures like this before, and this was the only solution."

Potentially homicidal colt? Screw that.


>>One that would be kept far, far away from his shadow ponies.


So, just a small general objection- I don't recall ever reading why, exactly, everything was dead (other than a nonspecific need to hit the "refresh" button). Perhaps you could slide in some references to that, to make it more obvious? Of course, I won't press it if keeping it secret is vital to your story, but if there's been an apocalypse, then you can bet your flank that the reader wants to know about it!

Overall, 9.5/10- and that's just the Prologue! Mayhaps I shall get to the other chapters later.

-Golden Vision
>> No. 95520
I'll take this.
>> No. 95521
>You didn't appear to have any qualms about AJ's outburst, but I'll just assume you were giving me the benefit of the doubt with that creative liberty, so I'll try to not overextend her personality so much in the future.
A common mistake is making AJ over-aggressive. Her actions seemed purposeful enough for me, as if she had some secret knowledge of what was going on. The success of the Apple farm was built on human exploitation, DUN DUN DUUUNNN

>Again, thank you. It's nice to know that I've got someone on the inside to help me out with the small stuff.
Sure thing! That's what we're here for.
>> No. 95522
Oh, sorry, I accidentally made it so both links go to the first chapter. I acknowledge your review, and thank you for it, but most of the characterization issues (at least that the prereaders pointed out) were in the second chapter. If you feel it necessary, have a go with the second! Also, I have comments enabled if you want to point out any grammatical mistakes.

Chapter 2:
>> No. 95523
Alrighty! Reading now! :)
>> No. 95527
Let's do this! Chapter 2, here we come!

>>She played around for a bit more before shifting into a comfortable position. Her eyes sliding into mere slivers, she relaxed her muscles.
I'm not sure, but maybe this is area was one thing the pre-readers thought was OOC? I've probably been biased by already knowing what the problem is, but this bit kind of reads more like Rarity in the spa than Rainbow Dash finally getting her flight back.

>>like she was preparing to take an alternate train of course...
Just a typo. :)

>>the curled up mare opened one curious eye.
Should be curled-up, as it's a single adjective.

>>Yes, she was indeed in a room—a nice room, at that. A smile dawned on her face as she turned to take a closer account of her surroundings.
Another kind of OOC nitpick- I'm starting to wonder if this is really Rainbow Dash, by virtue of the fact that she seems a bit too...I don't know- trusting, perhaps. Accepting? I would expect her to either be hyperventilating or raging out of paranoia at this point (unless she's been sedated or something). Instead, she's just kinda going with it.

>>The book was titled—in clear Equestrian at that—“Life of Natives in Modern Equestria,” and accompanied a sketch of a completely gray pony, a fur coat resting on his shoulders, standing atop a pile of snow. As the eager mare opened the book
Something that might help you with OOC-isms is writing out Rainbow's thought process. As I read this, I thought- "Huh. Yeah, it's a book, but it looks nothing like Daring Do. Wonder why she picked it up?" Maybe it's just me and my mental flanderization, but, I don't see RD as one to voluntarily and knowingly pick up what looks to be a nonfiction book.

>>Rainbow Dash nodded slowly and trained her eyes on the tea, trying to catch any waft of poison or harmful substance its server might be trying to slip by her.
Here's something I liked. Rainbow Dash isn't naturally trusting, especially in situations like this. Something that you might want to add, in order to enhance the tension, may be Rainbow making a nervous snark or insult to the white unicorn (which would likely be ignored nevertheless). Still, we have seen Rainbow talk out loud to herself in the show, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect her to say her mind, even in unfriendly situations.

>>Rainbow Dash placed a hoof on the unicorn's mouth. "That's, uh—That’s good enough. Please, gimme some time to actually talk."
The thing is, I can SEE Rainbow actually responding like this. The problem is, I want to see why she is. In the show, you can easily tell by her facial expression, talented as the animators are. So, by your writing, you should want to take on that role of animator, making us privy to Rainbow's thought process through prose and internal monologue.

>>Rainbow Dash furrowed her brow, but soon released a sigh.
This whole bit goes back to my whole "passive" issue. Rainbow Dash (in my headcanon) would at least have shouted "Hey, wait! Come back here!" before letting the unicorn go, and then would have likely curled up on the bed, muttering irritated obscenities.

>>"What was your name?" the pegasus asked, a curious eye turned on the mare.
I think you should put this dialogue in a tone that better fits Ranbow realizing that the other pony has just saved her life. Though suspicious and slightly paranoid, Rainbow's nothing but loyal, so you might want to express that through some showing of awe or gratitude rather than just curiosity.

>>Suddenly, Wintry interrupted Dash's observations.
...Hrm. You know what? I'd actually expect Dash to be the one to interrupt the silence- UNLESS you put in a small internal monologue revealing he conflicted thoughts over the situation. :D

>>You're description of this 'Adam' character was interesting.
El typo.

>>"Alicorns, you mean?" Dash interrupted.
Probably should be "An alicorn," given the context/plurality.

***Just a quick note, I'm coming to like how you're developing Wintry's personality. She seems like a cross between Twilight's academia, Pinkie's innocence, and Fluttershy's passivity. Well done characterization!

>>If this mare had actually saved her life, then Dash suspected that she was one to be trusted.
This is some very good IC development. You're actually really good at getting into the characters' mindsets when you put your mind to it.

>>Before she knew it, she was coaxed into a somewhat dreary state, perhaps hypnotic?
Not really much of a reason to make this a question. I'd suggest editing it to, "...dreary state, almost hypnotic."

>>"Adam?" the sleepy mare answered, pausing for a yawn.
Did I miss something? Why is she responding to him so..."meh" style? ._. I thought she was freaked out by the Mr Evil AI... I'd expect her to be pulling a "Leeroy Jenkins" on him at this point, like she did on the dragon in Dragonshy.

>>For a moment, she looked suspiciously at the bright-eyed pony, but then turned away. She shook her head, and put on a smile. "No, nothing's wrong. Let's go."
I like this bit. It's more IC Dash, which is always good. Furthermore, it's almost like an interaction between RD and Pinkie- Pinkie's innocence or naiveté won't let her see a problem that RD does, but Dash tries to put on a positive front anyway.

>>In the warmth of the house, it was almost overwhelmingly hot, but it didn't matter.
Probably make this "it was [already] almost overwhelmingly hot."

And, that's it for now! Overall thoughts:

You have a very advanced level of prose and description, and I do enjoy many of your character interactions/dialogues. Something that I think could dramatically increase your writing is to insert character thoughts (not necessarily quoted, but at least to showcase gradual mental development) within certain areas that I've pointed out.

Most of the time, I didn't notice any egregious "OOC" areas- just areas where the subject remains unclear absent of any further development on your part.

Overall Rating: 8/10. I like the premise, the characters are interesting, and the setting is pretty cool. Just work on letting us see into the characters and their immediate motivations, as well as why a particular character might do something we might not expect them to do- or at least change their reactions to something we might better expect.

I wish you luck in your future writing!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95528
Ack, totally missed that part about the comments. My bad >_>. If you'd like, I can try and copypasta my thoughts onto the GoogleDoc directly, unless you think they're fine as-is.
>> No. 95530
Thank you very much! I very much enjoyed your commentary, and I think it was very well-composed and clear. I will work on the points you brought up, and I may bring chapter three in here when it's ready. Also, as for your question regarding the comments, I don't think porting the comments over would be necessary. If you have the time, it would certainly be nice, but I can work from the post you've given me. I'll see if I can add in some more insight into their thought process, and I'll expand upon the other points you've given me. Once again, thank you!
>> No. 95533
Thanks! Although I really do need all of it reviewed (all the links are there, *hint hint*), every little bit helps a lot.

Starswirl being "outside" the pony race is relevant later on and explains a lot about him and what he's been through.

The reason why the humans are gone isn't really explained or all that important to the story, which I understand is frustrating/confusing, but the story isn't really about that. Maybe I can try to clear it up a little better though.

Starswirl suddenly deciding to kill them - I'll definitely add a little internal dialogue to explain his choice right there better.
>> No. 95535
File 133374146888.png - (239.90KB , 700x700 , Bon Bon132175728842.png )
Here's your revew: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17DQiyXuXqX8JKlAM1j1S67AO1BKAqKbYcyqCWZipCZo/edit

tl;dr chapter two was unreadable garbage. Rewrite it, but make it about The Doctor and Derpy talking or something. Derpy's too OoC. Your dailog would be more interesting if you showed what the characters were doing as they talked.

But your biggest problem is that it's not funny enough. And I'm sorry, but I can't you with that.
>> No. 95537
Thank you very much for your review! I appreciate the time and care that you put into it, and I'll do my best to revise as you advised (see that rhyme?).

Although, I just have one point to make here- I wasn't intending to keep Derpy IC in terms of her appearance in The Last Roundup. For this characterization, I chose something somewhere in between the Youtube series "Doctor Whooves and Assistant" by PierceSmoulder, and the fanfiction "My Sweetie."

As for the humor... :( Guess I'll have to work harder on that.

Thanks again,
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95538
Synopsis:A perfectly good picnic is ruined when Discord shows up. His challenge, Twilight and her friends compete against each other on six different boards. The prize, the elements of harmony, which he has stolen again. Who will be victorious? Who will be left in the dust? What random act will cause the two to switch places in the course of one turn? Only time will tell.

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1gkBtBIo1srP8HF4kh5YrZxdJHcNHLGHSgS2JkPTFQ4M/edit

Authors comments: Really goofy idea I came up with. Wrote it really quickly but I can't tell if it is really good or really terrible. Comments are enabled so if you can make use of that then please do. Not meant to be taken seriously.
>> No. 95543
Forgot to mention that this was a crossover with Mario Party
>> No. 95546
Detailed comments in-doc.

To the details:
You'd indicated that the earlier chapters were more polished, and I could tell. The punctuation was noticeably worse as I went on. I hope you're not relying on your editors too much—the point is to learn from these mistakes so you can avoid them in the future.

Here's some copypasta on punctuating quotes:
You need to learn how to punctuate dialogue. Remember, if a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark. Refer to these examples:
"This punctuation is correct," said the reviewer.
"This punctuation," said the reviewer, "is correct."
"This punctuation is correct." The reviewer provided an example.

Note the proper usage of commas and capitalization. When transitioning out of a quote with a speaking verb, any end-of-sentence punctuation other than a period (exclamation mark, question mark, ellipsis, dash) can also be used, and takes on the function of the comma as well, so does not affect capitalization. Since you're using two spaces after each sentence, also make sure you're paying attention to whether you use one or two of them in these situations, corresponding to whether or not you 're actually starting a new sentence.

Additionally, most of your quotes were of the form "Quote," she said. Mix it up. She said, "Quote." "I," she said, "have a quote." Provide some different structures for variety. Unless it's very obvious who's speaking, you should establish the speaker early on: before, within, or just after the first sentence of the quote, if possible, with a few other locations thrown in for variety.

I've noted a lot of minor grammar issues in the story, but many were in speech. As I stated, such errors can be acceptable in speech, as long as you consider the speaker and situation. I tend to think Twilight, Rarity, and the princesses would hardly ever make a mistake, unless an urgent situation were causing them to rush. Consider each speaker and scenario when deciding how much incorrect grammar to allow.

Redo your instances of emphasis in italics. All caps and bold font are discouraged.

I found a number of unclear antecedents, misplaced modifiers, and multiple participial phrases strung together that need to be fixed.

There are a few persistent issues with word/phrase repetition.

I'll deal with these aspects together, since it's a character-driven piece. There were a few detailed plot problems I noted in-doc, but here are the broad issues.

I saw your discussion in the "Ask a Pre-Reader..." thread, and I'll touch on their comments, as I had a lot of the same issues.

The first journal entry was a big stumbling block for me. You start it, then flash back to the events that led up to it, then complete it. I couldn't tell that from the story, and had to see your reply to my comment to figure it out. And then you don't do that again, showing the appropriate entries after the corresponding events. The time jumps for that first day were jarring and not at all obvious.

Also jarring was immediately being dumped into Pinkie's depression, not only for the reader, but also how quickly it overcame her as well. We've seen her get depressed in canon ("Party of One") and it took quite a bit to get her down. She initially snapped back from her earlier suspicions, and didn't get despondent until she had compiled a mountain of evidence. I need to see her more gradually becoming depressed. At first, she might not even know what's wrong.

As the pre-readers pointed out, I haven't seen an instance in canon where a pony feels disgruntled about his/her special talent. They're not only things the ponies do well, but also without fail something they enjoy. I could buy Pinkie's wanting something more than her talent, but I'm not sure about her becoming discouraged with the one she has.

That said, I do realize you're trying to go for a real-world situation here, since people do become frustrated with what they have to offer. When you're going to deviate from canon, however, it takes extra work to convince the reader. You either have to establish that you're in a different universe where the same rules don't apply (which I don't believe you're doing here, since you otherwise stick closely to canon interpretations of things), or you have to make logical connections that make me believe the events could happen in canon. Do I believe a pony could become depressed? Absolutely. About being disillusioned with her cutie mark/talent? Not so much. Make me a believer.

I've marked a few key places where I felt you needed to do more showing, but the lessons apply throughout. Telling has its place, but on the whole, you want to do more showing, particularly when scenes are critical to the plot or emotionally charged. Red flags include excessive use of "-ly" adverbs and blunt statements of emotion from the narrator. Place yourself as an observer in the scene. What cues do you pick up that lead you to deduce what the characters' emotions are? Describe those, and lead the reader to the conclusions you want. It's more engaging, as it involves the reader in the story and forces him to think about it more. Dialogue is one way to show, but don't rely on it too much, or you get a "talking heads" feel. What's said is only half of a conversation. Let me see what body language, facial expressions, actions, posture, etc. the characters use, and employ a variety of these methods. Like anything else, if you overuse one, it becomes less effective.

Pinkie's writing sounded too formal for her. I saw your explanation of why, but again, nothing in canon indicates she would, so the burden is then on you to convince me otherwise. It can be as simple as making up a reason why that's plausible—maybe somepony comments that she's always writing letters to the newspaper, for instance—so that it doesn't feel like it's just being sprung on me for convenience.

As to her longing for magic and flight—she's used the balloon and contrived her own flying machine, and she's shown some wacky violation of physics and the fourth wall that nopony else seems able to replicate, so you'd have to deal with them and why they don't satisfy her.

Final Thoughts:
It actually wasn't a bad story. The tendency to pull away from friends and the overwhelming "grass is greener" feeling is an interesting idea, and was handled well. It's just—why her, and why that issue? You have your work cut out for you to make it believable. Even when she was feeling down in "Party of One," she didn't forsake her talent; instead, she took refuge in it. If I distanced myself from the character and imagined her as some generic pony, it was an interesting story. You just have to mold it to her canon personality better, critically consider whether her special talent is biting off more than you can chew, do more showing to bolster the emotional impact, and show through a greater variety of methods and phrasing.

You got some good ideas, and I did like the narrative, though it didn't quite ring true for this particular character. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 95564
Review submitted on GoogleDocs. If you would like me to take another look at it, check out my new review thread at http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/95560.html
>> No. 95587
File 133375742098.png - (403.55KB , 659x659 , 148680 - artist zayger spike.png )
Title: September
By: Raharu Haruha
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Dark][Sad]

Written for a September fanfic competition, this tale features a cute three headed dog, a Pinkie Pie song, and Murder? Well of course, silly. The main character's name is Red Rum, after all.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1MIWVl2FK0JjjTrRnH5ciguh4oSfJYwyp9VBdsanctsI/edit
>> No. 95593

Thanks for taking such a detailed look at this piece. I do know the rules of dialogue punctuation, but I tend to not focus on it while writing, if that makes sense, so I'll have to fix that. I do understand your comments about mixing up the speaking, and that was something I struggled with while writing: just how to make a simple conversation between two characters seem engaging.

Regarding Pinkie's character and the canon: you probably read this in the other thread, but I like to be a little loose with canon if I feel like it will get in the way of my story. The TV show and fanfics serve different purposes. The show is mainly meant to entertain. When I write, I want to explore certain themes in a slightly more realistic manner, which is why I disregarded her physics defying stunts and breaking of the fourth wall, etc. I wanted to explore a still happy, but more realistic version of Pinkie. That's why I tag this story as experimental. Whether or not this is a valid thing to do, or if I'm just lazy and don't want to have to deal with the long process of deconstructing Pinkie's established character is another debate. Personally, I find it easy for me to suspend my disbelief for the sake of writing something experimental and idea driven, but I understand if readers have issue with this.

I did struggle with showing versus telling, and it's something I want to improve, considering that my stories are mainly character driven. I need to learn more descriptive gestures, facial expressions, etc.

I'm glad you enjoyed it in the end, though. Like I said, this was an experimental piece. I wasn't sure how well it'd come together, but it's good to hear you say that I pulled it off for the most part.

Thanks again for your review. I might have something new for you in a few days. Hopefully you'll notice improvements should you decide to look at it.
>> No. 95596
File 133375879666.jpg - (146.86KB , 900x736 , pleading_pinkie_by_megaphonnic-d4rup5q.jpg )
Oh, so I messed up something in the queue. I put the word count where the chapters should be. It doesn't have 2135 chapters. It's actually a really short one shot.
>> No. 95604
>> No. 95608
I don't mind you taking liberties with canon, and your descriptions of how Pinkie acts are reasonable for a person in the same situation. I would just caution you that most readers will come into a fic expecting canon behavior unless they're told ahead of time not to do so, as in an [Alternate Universe] or possibly [Crossover] tag. Otherwise, you have to start with canon and ease the story where you want it to go while doing it in a believable fashion. Failing that, the average reader will quickly say, "This is out of character," and read the story with a bias, if he finishes it at all. That'd be a shame, as he'd miss out on a potentially good story. Yes, it's your story and you can do what you like, but that's the risk you take if you jolt the reader without justification. Any further question - you can reach me by posting here, in the IRC, or via email (in the tripcode of any of my review or claim posts).
>> No. 95626
Hello and welcome to the Training Grounds. I hope my review is helpful to you. Be aware that I'm just someone with an opinion so feel free to ignore me. The reason I wrote so much is not because I hate your fic, it's because I wanted to make it the best it can be (and because I like Lyra). Without further ado, here's your review. General impressions will be listed at the end.


>A door slammed shut and a human girl leaned against it.

This doesn't seem to be a very gripping beginning. Did she slam the door shut or was she throwing the door open? Why was she leaning against it? Was that to close the door? Usually it's hard to slam a door by leaning on it, you know.


No need for the '

>she thought.

I always thought that thought tags were kinda redundant seeing as how we italicize the thoughts anyway. The purpose of said tags is to tell who is speaking but for thought tags, it could only be one person. Since thought tags are never written like "Rainbow Dash thought," because there is usually one point of view, I don't believe thought tags have much of a reason to exist. But that's just an opinion. Take that for what you will.

But I won't mention it again since it's just an opinion and not technically an error.

>After sitting down at her desk, she opened her textbook and started working on math problems.

For some reason, the last clause sounds weird to my ear. Since you use the word problems in the next paragraph, perhaps you could change the ending to this sentence a bit. How about "started working on her math homework" instead?

>First Paragraph

I think that it would be nice if you showed how Lyra felt about her school by adding in some body language. You do have a slamming door and her leaning, but it's not clear as to how one pertains to the other. Perhaps you could delete the first sentence and add in a line where Lyra walks into her room and sighing as she tosses her book-bag onto the floor. But that does bring up another plothole. If she threw her backpack on the ground, then where did the textbook come from? Was she already holding it? We never saw her pull it out of the bag.

>Let's see. One. Problem one, she thought, tapping a pencil on her head. Eh, skip it.

For some reason, it doesn't seem like she looked at that problem for very long. So this leads me to believe that Lyra gets bored easily or just doesn't like math. If it's possible, I would recommended extending this part a little bit to emphasize how she was trying to think but eventually decided to move on. Unless you were going for Lyra having ADD, then keep it as is.

>When the bug disappeared from her view, she slammed her book shut; a card that was sitting on her desk, with the words Happy 18th Birthday, fell over.

I kinda feel like this sentence sounds weird to be placed here. Sure, you tell us her age, but you already did that with the "six months till end of high school" remark. I think it would be better to leave her actual age vague, but that's just my opinion.

>While putting on her headphones, she pressed 'play' on her CD player.

"While?" Is that even possible? Doesn't one normally put on headphones first and then press the play button? I think you want to use the word "After."

Also, the quotation marks around play should be double quotation marks. They're only single when quotations are used in dialogue.

>an hour

No need to be specific about the time. Why not just let the music flow and have the reader use their imagination. It's been several hours and obviously a great deal has passed since the sun had gone down. Perhaps Lyra was just too wrapped up in her music to notice.

Also, if she just got home then why did the sun go down so early? If it only took an hour to get dark, it must have already been late. But if you leave the exact time that passed vague, readers will assume it's been a lot longer, which works in your favor.

However, that begs the question of what Lyra was doing right before. Was she sitting in the chair the whole time while listening to her music? Did she lie on her bed? Tell me more.

>Inside she flipped the lights on and started to fill the bathtub.

You just said she went to the bathroom, so there's no need to write "Inside."

Also, what did she fill the bathtub up with? If it was just water, why not say she turned on the faucet instead?

>She dropped her jeans to the floor, took her hooded sweatshirt off, and threw her undergarments onto them.

This makes it sound like she threw her undergarments on her sweatshirt, but the sentence makes me feel like she's still holding the sweatshirt that she just took off. I'm sure you meant to say that she threw both of them on the floor, but it's not clear.



> to be filled

How about "to fill" instead?

>"Ahh," she said, forgetting about her daily troubles for the moment.

I think that this sentence sounds rather wordy. Also, many of your sentence have many ing versions of verbs. What if you reworded it like:

"Ahh," she said as she forgot all about her troubles.

This way, you remove the other two words that mean the same thing and tighten up your sentence a bit too.

>Besides her music, the only thing that could help Lyra relax was a nice hot bath.

This sentence is telling and pointless since it's already implied by Lyra being captivated for an hour by the music. Consider omitting this sentence.

>she thought aloud.

I know I said I wouldn't talk about thought tags again but this technically isn't one. What's the point of this dialogue tag anyway? Lyra's by herself, so it's pretty obvious who she's talking to. Just delete this and people will still understand your sentence.

>"I have a clue."
>Lyra looked down to see Trixie's head coming out of the faucet, an evil grin covering her face.

Can you see the problem here? Besides the fact that the second clause is confusing (I'll address that later), let me emphasize the problem. Trixie. I. For one thing, Lyra doesn't know who Trixie is yet, and Trixie always refers to herself in the third person. I would changing the first sentence to "Trixie has a clue" and the second one to "Lyra looked down to a see a blue unicorn's head with a evil grin(smirk?) on her face."

This way, you get rid of the confusing clause that makes it sound like Lyra was the one with the evil grin and you get rid of the plothole of Lyra not knowing who the unicorn is.

>Before Lyra could ask who the unicorn was or how she got inside the plumbing, her horn started to glow and the plug for the drain was pulled out.
>"Hey, what are you—" Before she could finish, she was sucked down the pipe with the water.

This just sounds very confusing. For one, I think Lyra's talking should happen immediately after she sees Trixie (Why is it Trixie anyway?). Next, address the sentence that makes it sound like Lyra is the one with the horn, since Trixie is the one whose horn glowed. Most people will think of Lyra the unicorn (well, until they see the hands) and might get confused.

Also, since the emdash implies that she was interrupted, there's no need to write that other stuff too. A rewritten sentence would be:

"Hey, what are you—"

The blue unicorn's horn started to glow as the drainage plug was pulled out. Before Lyra knew what was happening, she was sucked down the drain.

See? Is that a little bit better?

>The ending to this scene

This is a rather odd ending. I'm more likely to think that Lyra has been doing drugs instead of her getting sucked down a drain. Why would Trixie appear and not someone else? Why not a magic portal or something? How did Lyra fit down the drain? Why wasn't Lyra hit with some sort of magic? This is making me go "Wut?"

Lyra meets Bon-Bon Scene:

>Bon Bon was soaking in her bathtub, her pink and blue colored hair dripping wet.

"was soaking" is a bit of passive voice. Consider changing it to "soaked" instead.

>"Ah, creeper!" said Bon Bon, backing away to the other side of the tub.

This makes me wonder how big the bathtub actually is.

>"Wait, did you just ta—" Lyra tried to ask, but was interrupted when the cream pony threw a bar of soap at her nose.

Every time you have an em-dash, that implies that they were interrupted so there's no need to keep telling us that every time. Instead, change the sentence after the dialogue to show what happened to Lyra. Did she dodge the bar of soap? Did the soap smack her on the nose? We know Bon Bon threw the soap, but not what happened afterward.

>stepped dizzily

How about a different verb that means the same thing? Something like staggered, wobbled, something else. stepped is a weak verb and if it needs an adverb to boost the meaning, the sentence isn't as exciting. Use strong verbs instead.

>She looked to the bathroom mirror; her hair had turned a light grayish cyan and white.

This makes me wonder why she noticed her hair first but not her body. Sure, she says that in dialogue next, but the way you put your sentence like this just seems out of place.

>"My name's not Tom; it's Lyra!" she shouted.

This line makes me think that Lyra is also rather dim-witted.

>Lyra charged through the door; lucky for Bon Bon, it wasn't locked.

Why is it lucky for Bon Bon? Wouldn't it be a good thing for Lyra? I think it would make more sense if you replaced "Bon Bon" with "her."

>Bon Bon got out, emptied the tub, and dried herself with a towel.

>She trotted in to her kitchen to see a damp Lyra looking out the window at the night sky; her wet fur clung to her blank-flank.

She trotted "into" her kitchen.

Also, the way the sentence is worded is confusing. Is Bon Bon the one with a blank flank or Lyra? I assume Lyra but the way the sentence is worded doesn't agree. I would just axe the semicolon and reword the sentence altogether.

I'm also wondering why Lyra stopped to look at the sky. If she was being chased by an irate talking pony, I'm sure she would have at least made it to the door or something.

>"Hey, you're getting the floor wet!" Bon Bon said, blushing; she threw her towel at Lyra.

I think it would be better if you remove the dialogue tag and reworded it like this:

"Hey! You're getting the floor wet!" Blushing, Bon Bon threw her towel at Lyra.

>Lyra turned around just in time to get the towel plastered all over her face.

I think this should be reworded because it sounds awkward. Plus "to get" is such a weak verb.

How about something like this?

Lyra turned around as a towel-like projectile smacked her in the face.

Okay, it's not the best example but you get the idea right? The word projectile would imply it was thrown or if you don't want to use that, just replace the word "get" with plastered. Or something.

>Bon Bon blushed even harder when she realized where that towel had been.

I didn't mention this earlier but whose point of view are we looking from? If we were in Lyra's head, we shouldn't even have known Bon Bon's name. But since it seems like we're in Bon Bon's then we shouldn't have known Lyra's name, especially since you said "mint green unicorn" earlier. Are you engaging in headhopping perhaps? I'm not quite sure which PoV you want, so perhaps a bit of this scene needs to be rewritten.

>Before the earth pony could respond, Lyra had left the kitchen and was in the living room; Bon Bon followed her.

This just confuses me more as to which point of view we're in. If we're in Lyra's, she wouldn't know what earth ponies are. She'd just say "pony." Also, for an intruder, it's kinda funny how Lyra just goes into the living room and Bon Bon immediately calms down when she was freaking out so much before.

>Lyra sat down on the couch in front of the television.

Why mention "in front of the television?" Is there more than one couch in the room? I think this sentence should be combined with the next one.

>When she saw how her pony belly stuck out, she grumbled and said, "I'm even fatter as a pony."

Point of view confusion again. Anyhoo, if you combine these two sentences, you'd get something like this.

Lyra sat down on the couch and stared at her stomach. "I'm even fatter as a pony."

See? Short, simple, and sweet.

>Bon Bon lowered the box on to Lyra's lap and opened it.

replace "on to" with "onto"

>it had curry light red hair and pink skin.

What the heck kinda color is curry light red?

>"So people really exist?" Bon Bon asked with the excitement of a little foal.

Isn't this kinda weird? She was freaking out before but now she calmed down and not only that, she immediately believes Lyra's not crazy. Is Bon Bon that mentally unstable that she'd believe something that came from the mouth of a unicorn that magically appeared in her bathtub? All kinds of Wut going on here.

>"The Last Human",

comma goes on the inside of quotation marks

Alright, the review isn't actually over yet. That was just the first two scenes. The rest of the fic will be continued in the next review piece.
>> No. 95638
Alright, here's part two. Apologies for the review being so long. I just like reading about Lyra sooooo much.

Lyra sleeps with Bon Bon on accident Scene

>"I'm glade you liked it," said Bon Bon.


>she fell fast asleep

delete "fast" since it's implied because you said "The moment she placed her head"

>And as quickly as she went to sleep, so quick did she wake up.

Awkward phrasing. Try deleting the "And" and rewording a bit. How about this?

"As quickly as she went to sleep, she woke up."

>The entire scene with Lyra sleeping

Wait, was Bon Bon sleeping in the same bed? How did Lyra not notice her while climbing in? Bon Bon didn't get woken up at all? She must be a heavy sleeper.

>When Lyra opened her eyes, she was on the carpet floor, her head and stomach hurt, and the sun was shining through the window.

An awful lot is happening in this sentence. Try breaking it up into different sentences. Like:

Lyra opened her eyes and found herself sprawled out on the carpet floor. Ignoring the bright light shining through the window, she stumbled to her feet and tried to ignore her aching head and stomach.

Something like that. I'm terrible at examples.

"You jerk!" said Bon Bon as she galloped out of the room.

Erm, I'm not exactly sure what happened at all. Wasn't Lyra on the bed? Did she roll off? Was Bon Bon already on the bed? Did Bon Bon wake up near Lyra and throw her off the bed? Why was Lyra's stomach and head aching (I thought it was due to the hunger pains and sleeping on the hard armrest). I'm so confused right now. I feel like I'm missing a piece of the script.

>Steaming, Bon Bon said, "Liar! You just wanted to—,"

remove the comma. I'm also wondering in what way is Bon Bon mad. What did she look like?

>Bon Bon opened it and in flew a blond pegasus with a wall-eyed expression on her face.

Perhaps some rewording.

After Bon Bon opened the door, a blond pegasus with a wall-eyed expression flew in.

>A knock on the front door interrupted them.

You don't have to keep telling us when someone is interrupted. It's implied by the em-dash.

>neatening up her mane

I don't believe "neatening" is a word. I think you meant "straightening."

>Bon Bon put on her saddlebags and said in a cold,

in a cold what?

>"We're going out for breakfast. I think a day outside will help you adjust to life as a pony."

You mean Bon Bon actually believes Lyra and isn't just humoring her?

>For the entire trip Bon Bon didn't speak and Lyra was too scared of angering her to say anything ether.

comma after trip and you misspelled "either."

>But she was interrupted when another pony came

Already implied from the em-dash and dialogue that's coming next, so you can just delete this sentence. Plus you missed a period on the end.

>"Here are your menus," she said, passing them their menus.

For some reason, it sounds repetitive to say menus twice in so close a distance. Consider changing the second menus to something else.

>"Jeez, don't you eat any real food?"
>Bon Bon didn't reply.

Well, did she react at all?

>"Coming right up!" said Minty and quick as a whip she dashed inside and came back with their order.

This sounds like a run-on sentence. How about:

Minty said. Quick as a whip, she dashed inside and came back with their order.

>Lyra tried to lift her spoon with on hoof, but it fell to the ground

Unclear what fell to the ground and I think you meant to say "a hoof."

Lyra visits Twilight Scene:

She had just finished reshelving and, with Spike out helping Rarity for the day, she would have plenty of time to catch up on her studies.

Awkward sentence structure with the commas. Consider rewriting it. Maybe:

Since Spike was out helping Rarity for the day and Twilight had just finished reshelving, she would have plenty of time to catch up on her studies.

A bit of reordering and I just said the same thing but clearly. Hurrah!

>Huh? A full grown mare without a cutie-mark? thought Twilight.

Now we're looking through the point of view of Twilight now eh?

>"You could try this one," Twilight floated a book titled 'Magic For Derpys' over to Lyra. "Here you go."

The comma after "this one" would be a period since the next part is an action, not a speaking verb.

Also, double quotation marks instead of single ones. Also, Derpys might be considered offensive. How about foals? Then it'd look like this:

"You could try this one." Twilight floated a book titled "Magic for Foals" over to Lyra. "Here you go."

>raised a hoof to her lower lip

Why not chin?

>"Hmm..." she thought aloud, lowering her eyes.

Why not just end with the "Hmmm?" The other two parts don't really add much to the sentence. Her putting her hoof to her lower lip already implies she's thinking deeply about something.

>"Scoot over Bon Bon!"

comma before Bon Bon

>Lyra moved hers... and fell off the bench again.

This ellipsis in narrative seems awkwardly placed. If you want to indicate a pause, try using a comma instead.

>"Here's you book, Lyra."


>Bon Bon waited a moment before taking the book out of her bag. "Here's you book, Lyra." Bon Bon gave Lyra the book.

Sounds kinda repetitive saying book three times. I'm not sure how to fix it though. I'd probably remove one of the sentences or change it or something.

>After reading a few pages she said,

comma after pages

>"A lyre?" said Bon Bon. "You didn't choose that because..."

Not sure what Bon Bon is implying here. Lyra doesn't have her cutie mark yet so... I'm not really sure.

>Bon Bon groaned and payed for the lyre.


>Lyra groaned focused harder

Lyra groaned and focused harder.

>With each string she plucked, each note, a faint smile appeared on her face.

This sentence sounds off to me. It feels like it's missing a word somewhere.

>said Bon Bon in awe.
>said Lyra in disgust.
>said Bon Bon in anger
>Lyra said in confusion.

Just letting you know that this is telling, not showing. I'm sure you know what that is from the other reviews but if not, let me know and I'll provide examples.

>On Lyra's behind was a mark in the shape of a golden lyre.

On Lyra's behind, there was a mark shaped like a golden lyre.

...Teehee, you said behind.

Alright, general impressions time. I feel like a lot of your actions of each of the characters sounds like I'm being read a laundry list. They did this, they did that, then they did that as well. I also feel like the story would be better if you stayed solely in one character's head (Lyra's). The scene with Twilight was really short and I don't see much of a need to see inside her head for one line. I thought the entire scene itself should be cut but I can see why it might be important. The part where Twilight thinks deeply about something makes me think it will come into play later, so cutting this part makes that part make no sense. Perhaps if you just removed the inner thought dialogue from Twilight and made her say it out loud or something, it would feel less confusing? I'm not really sure myself.

Anyhoo, I'm looking forward to seeing where this goes. Like I said, I love reading Lyra fics. I hope the long review helps you and I wish you good luck on your future writing. Most of all, remember this:

Never give up! Never surrender!
>> No. 95644
File 133377065764.png - (250.96KB , 900x903 , Bonbon Lyra artist john_joseco morning_ponies.png )
>Erm, I'm not exactly sure what happened at all. Wasn't Lyra on the bed? Did she roll off? Was Bon Bon already on the bed? Did Bon Bon wake up near Lyra and throw her off the bed? Why was Lyra's stomach and head aching (I thought it was due to the hunger pains and sleeping on the hard armrest). I'm so confused right now. I feel like I'm missing a piece of the script.

>> No. 95649
I'd like to post acknowledging that I'm dropping the review for Lyra's Metamorphosis. This is not due to any fault on the part of the author; simply that I have not been able to finish the review in a timely manner and I will not have the time to continue in the next few days. I've already wasted the author's time enough as it is, for which I apologize, so I do not want the fic to linger any longer than it has to.

I have left some comments on the document already, but it's not in any form a cohesive review.
>> No. 95655
File 133377566819.jpg - (15.45KB , 225x225 , tumblr_m1ind8fWe81r1el6a.jpg )
>> No. 95660

Understandable, I will keep that in mind next time I disregard canon like that.

One final question. I understand this is mainly subjective, but did you feel that the ending to the story was rushed? How about the pacing in general?
>> No. 95667
File 133378086359.jpg - (99.24KB , 900x900 , 992882.jpg )
Title: The Crescendo of a Storm
Author: Bearycool
word count: 2726
status: Incomplete
Tags: [sad] [adventure] [slice of life]
Characters: Octavia, OC character (Gallant Hatter).
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SYag2HXoIugNBbZ7DBryFWUP3u-3WjKs16YZUraAg5o/edit
What I would like reviewed: The prologue
Before the storm, there was music; and before even that, there was inspiration.

For five years, the colt named Gallant Hatter heard the lovely music of Octavia being played: he even got to see her and watch her play in person! However, five days before a massive storm hits, Octavia vanishes. Nevertheless, even with Octavia's disappearance Gallant continues to hear new melodies being played in his mind; it is as if Octavia never left him.

Soon, sheet music begins to fly pass him and he begins to realize that they are the melodies being played in his mind. As the days go by, the music begins to turn darker and tell him that a storm is about to arrive.

Will Gallant head the warnings of the music? This has yet to show....
>> No. 95668
Aside from my comment about being dropped into the situation a bit abruptly at the beginning, the pacing was fine for me. As to the ending, she does have somewhat of an epiphany to relieve her depression, so the suddenness of it is understandable. I didn't mind it, but others might. The nature of depression can vary quite a bit from person to person. Certainly your scenario is plausible, but it may not mesh with everyone's experience. That's just the nature of the beast.
>> No. 95669
[Slice of Life] [Friendshipping]


Bon Bon is starting her first day of school, understandably nervous. Will she have a good time? Will the ponies be nice? Will anypony even like her? As the day goes on, it begins to seem that the answers to these questions will all be a resounding "No."

However, after meeting a strange, excitable young unicorn, things start to change for the better.

I'm not planning on posting this on EqD (at least, as far as I know now), so I'm not looking to make a masterpiece. But I feel like my writing is stale at some points, and I would like somebody to look it over.
>> No. 95683
This has been looked over already in my own review thread; I am currently going over a revision.
>> No. 95718

I'm claiming this story, and will have it done later tonight probably.
>> No. 95739
I know, it's bad form to claim the newest item in the queue, but softball season is upon us, and this one looks short and sweet enough to fit in my schedule. Plus I've liked this writer's stories in the past.
>> No. 95782
Sorry, it won't be ready by the end of today, but probably tomorrow.
Saged so as not to bump.
>> No. 95808
File 133383939465.png - (260.91KB , 1368x1476 , Oerhaps.png )
Review done in doc.


There's a lot of exposition dumping and back storying that really weight this story down. Cut the fat and add a bit more subtlety with how Heart reacts to things (and remember to capitalize her name) then we should be good.
>> No. 95815
File 133384109980.png - (102.35KB , 473x439 , Vanner Warhammer.png )
>> No. 95817
File 133384183275.jpg - (35.25KB , 250x140 , 11343.jpg )
Title: Another Day For the Whooves
Author: Golden Vision
Length: 4,250 words
Chapters: 4
Tags: Comedy/Random/Slice-of-Life/Sci-Fi/Crossover (Doctor Who)
Characters: Doctor Whooves, Derpy Hooves, Sparkler & Dinky Hooves
Synopsis: Wake up, clean the TARDIS, have some tea, get chased by Daleks, have more tea, lose the Vortex, make muffins, find the Vortex, eat muffins and tea, blow up the planet. Just another day for the Whooves family.
...Oh, and Carrot Top has NO idea what's going on. Just saying.
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-Lga8AzA-7XE7dkvlmtqoAhLQA4fHdtnkbRVW35HktI/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sWbvqynN8QKQbuIg8WaMfdH926xXkaBRKeqQb7xfn8A/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14LE82MF8d3xy90rIJM5_vDVahnxfZqQmv7ItsPyStbQ/edit
Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FgH5YkmawokEf7rPYNwQMsXefiDgUiEbpHN_P4MrXUQ/edit

Notes: This is a revised version; I have already had an EqD pre-reader and AzuNyan look at this. This is an edited version based on their recommendations. I would prefer if all chapters were looked at, but I believe the most important is the second one, which I have just completely revised. A short list of earlier issues (which I hope I've fixed) include:

-"Graphic scenes" in chapters 1 & 2 (Both)
-A lack of showing (vs. telling) in chapter 1 (Both)
-OOC Derpy (Ponychan reviewer)
***I actually have a response to this one, in that my Derpy was based off of a mix of the characterizations "Doctor Whooves and Assistant", "My Sweetie", and only some bits from her canon appearance in "The Last Roundup."

I hope you enjoy my fic, and eagerly await your review!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95818
File 133384206229.png - (110.50KB , 340x340 , Derpy_id.png )
I appear to have accidentally submitted twice. Could a mod remove the duplicate for me?
>> No. 95848
File 133384977186.jpg - (59.25KB , 930x680 , Sad Twilight.jpg )
This is only about 2500 words so far, so a review could probably be knocked off in an hour or so.

[Semi-Sad] [Slice of Life]


Synopsis: "No matter how strong the bonds of friendship are, we still have our own dreams and goals that we must pursue. I pray that they never tear us apart."

A lot has changed in the 20 years since Twilight arrived in Ponyville. The town is now a small, bustling city, and each member of the mane six is busier than ever. After Twilight's friends throw her a surprise 20 year friendship anniversary party, she begins to wonder just how long time will allow them to stay together.

I was unsure of what I had so far when I submitted it to FIMFiction, and thought it needed expanding, but the FF crowd loved it. I was encouraged enough to submit it to EqD this morning following a review by Golden Hooves (he really enjoyed it) and got a reply just a couple hours ago.

Despite the positive reception in general, the pre-reader reaffirmed my worries about the story needing expanding. Here is what he/she said:


""...causing a rich, sweet sensation to tingle over her taste buds" / Missing period.

"...the trip to Appleoosa when it was still a small settlement..." / Typo.

Well the story is technically proficient as there is little in the way of writing errors, yet it still falls short when it comes to the content of the story. It is a sad story, one that bears a message, but one that doesnt quite live up to its potential. It has all the makings of a good story but the emotion feels lacking, the writing shifts too far towards telling instead of showing, Twilight's thoughts on her friends drifting apart should be sad but im just not feeling it in the same way she tries to convey it. Settings and actions feel lacking as well, from Twilight and Spike walking through town to the party at her house, everything just happens in short order (it is a short story so I cant entirely fault it there) but instead of painting a picture, it just lists things off as they happen. The beginning is a point of interest, the problem I had with it is that without the synopsis, readers would not be aware of the time that has gone by, the story mentions Spike being taller than Twilight and stuff like Ponyville expanding but by the time readers have caught up, half the story has already gone by.

Everything is already there for the story, it's just a matter of expanding on it."


And my response:


"Thank for for your quick response. I'm sorry you did not fully enjoy the story..

After reading your comments, I do agree that the emotion could be bolstered a bit more. The story starts with Twilight feelings neutral to her being happy, then reminiscent. There could be more contrast there. I do have an idea for a detailed expansion that takes place before this party that could illustrate her drifting apart from her friends using more showing instead of telling. I will get working on this right away and get back to you once I am done.

As far as her and Spike walking through town, perhaps it would be best to go further into her reaction to the dull street? This is one of my weak points. I've never been good at making walking seem interesting or transitioning to another location. I've always felt "It's walking, what is there to explain? It'd be boring to go into details." If you have time, do you happen to have any pointers in this regard?

And with the letter, are you able to explain why you didn't react much to it?

Thanks again for your time. I will get working on revisions, perhaps get a review on the training grounds, and submit a revised version. Expect a huge chunk to be added at the beginning of the story like I mentioned. I've gotten a lot of positive responses to this story in its current state, and I think I have a shot of pushing this through after I flesh the story out and such."


I do plan to start fleshing out the story soon, but I would like a review of what I have so far so I can decide what direction to go in. I would like the reviewer to focus on what the pre-reader commented on.

Thanks in advance!
>> No. 95856
File 133385257298.png - (36.15KB , 250x250 , 250px-Surprise_by_atomicgreymon-d47dou3.png )

Doing review now, expect it in an hour or so.
>> No. 95883
File 133386002867.png - (27.04KB , 250x157 , tumblr_lxrd585cAR1r2ulmeo3_250.png )
Done. Comments/review in doc.

All I will say here is I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself. It's by no means a bad story, but it's incomplete. Take your time, be more critical of yourself. You're on your way, just not there yet.
>> No. 95886
Claiming Lovebirds by Zay-el >>90605

>>95258 >>95321
Ion Sturm, are you still planning on reviewing this one? I'm planning on working with this author anyway, so if you'd like, I can take the claim off your hands. If you plan on keeping the claim, you should be aware that the author won't be around probably until early May, so it may be a little while before he gets around to acknowledging your work.
>> No. 95887
File 133386128212.jpg - (25.18KB , 400x343 , 132013506086.jpg )
I already gave most of my thoughts to the author in-doc via comments and chat, but I'll quickly reiterate my thoughts here. Do remember that I have unusally high standards and my opinions may not reflect that normal reader's.

If this story was a meal, it would be roast beef. Filling and, with some gravy and the right spices, quite easy to swallow. However, while the result was edible, it was rather dry and bland. Your use of third-person omniescient diluted it, keeping any one character from truly standing out. The grammar was--for the most part--good, but your punctuation left much to be desired, with repeated flubs at dialogue-to-exposition transitions and flow issues.

Your suffer from show-vs.-tell issues and had a habit of going into the minitua of the charcter's clothing, leading to paragraphs of descriptions for canon characters that any brony should already know the appearance to. The action was rather boring, with little to raise it from the crowd of other stories' attempts at crafting a setpiece, although it served its purpose. Since I only read one chapter--which was the third, with only a quick recap to let me know what was going on--I am inclined to say that I do not know enough about your plot as a whole to comment on it. However, I couldn't help but be dissapointed by the use of a Victorian-era setting that--beyond the segregation of the classes, weapons and some titles--lacked anything that really distinguished it as such. If you hadn't specifically told me it was supposed to be Victorian, I would have assumed that you had simply reimagined the show to be as a more medievil-esque universe.

All in all, it was a story, neither good or bad. I am likely to forget it by the end of the week. Best of luck on future writing endeavours nevertheless.
>> No. 95892
File 133386227372.png - (262.56KB , 1500x1456 , 132122443001-Derpy_looks_at_the_s.png )
Maintainers- it seems like my story, "Another Day For the Whooves," got removed from the queue. Might I ask why?
>> No. 95900

There's a certain decorum that you don't to the TG immediately after receiving a review, and your story is already in multiple threads.
>> No. 95905
Ah! Okay. Thank you very much, and my apologies :)
>> No. 95916
Rest of Catching the Rainbow Dashes Scene

>Applejack quickly stood to her hooves

Wasn't Applejack already standing?

>the quick motion sent Worried Dash running into a corner

corner of what? Aren't they outside?

>Oh dear, oh no please stop chasing me.

comma between "no" and "please"

>Out of nowhere Idiot Dash came swooping down

comma between "nowhere" and "Idiot"

Replace "came swooping" with "swooped"

>She then proceeded to carry the frantically kicking pegasus high up into the sky.

A bit wordy. How about: She carried the other pegasus into the sky.

>After yelling obscene words the entire ascent toward the clouds, Worried Dash began to hyperventilate.

This sentence sounds very awkward. Consider rewriting it. Yelling obscene words means cursing and "the entire ascent towards the clouds" just sounds out of place.

>"Put me down before I DIE!" she exclaimed, scolding the pegasus who carried her.

Italicize the "DIE" and remove the caps. The exclaiming gives away that she's yelling and saying "scolding" is repetitive. So just pick one. "She exclaimed" or "She scolded."

>"Let's go visit the sun," responded the yellow maned pegasus.


>With this conviction, Idiot Dash continued to climb toward the sun.

Sounds awkward, plus she's not climbing. How about:

Ignoring Worried Dash, she continued to fly towards the sun.

Also, my mind of full of wut right now.

>Looking down toward the ground below, Worried Dash began to lose it.

Didn't she already lose it? Watch those "begun to" or "started to" verbs.

>She kicked her hoofs in every way possible but the unrelenting pegasus that held her refused to let go.

This sounds a mite confusing. Also, I believe you're missing a word Also, it's hooves, not hoofs. Maybe rewrite it to sound like this:

She kicked her hooves out in every possible direction but Idiot Dash refused to let go.

>Idiot Dash grinned at the pegasus she was holding.

Sounds needlessly wordy. Since Worried Dash is the only one there, just cut it off at grinned. Or shorten it to "grinned at her." There is only one other pony here so we can guess who she's grinning at.

>"Let's go visit the sun."
>"How about put me down before I do things you only find in horror movies."
>"You're going to love the sun. He's my best friend."
>"I'm pretty sure I'm going to hate him."
>"No, you'll love him. He has a warm heart."

Instead of humor, this just makes me facepalm. I know that her name is Idiot Dash but come on now. This isn't funny-stupid. This is face-palm, what-the-heck idiocy. I guess that's what you were going for, though.

>Applejack stood on the ground in disbelief at what was going on.

So am I.

... anyhoo, cut off the sentence at disbelief. Rest are filler words.

>As Idiot Dash brought Worried Dash slowly upwards toward the sun, the efforts of the violet maned pegasus began to diminish as her energy slowly drained from her fright.

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome plus confusing plus more Whats. Some people can't keep track of Personality Trait + Dash or Color of Mane + pegasus. Stay consistent.

>"NOSE DIVE!" yelled Idiot Dash suddenly.

Remove the caps. If you can't get your point across with a simple exclamation mark, then you've overused them. Yelled suddenly is also pointless since it's obviously sudden, so remove the suddenly.

>"Wait what?"

comma between "wait" and "what"

>was speeding


>In rage she began to yell at Idiot Dash.

... Bleh. Emotions cannot be told, they must be derived through context. Something like "You blithering idiot! What are you doing!?" Also, more "began to" actions. Why don't you pick a verb that means yelling in rage? Plus Idiot Dash is the only one there.

Or better yet, delete this entire sentence.The shouting is coming next anyway, so why bother stating the obvious first.


Multiple punctuation marks plus caps = mark of an amateur writer. Plus her dialogue/reasoning is fruity at best.

>Idiot Dash gained speed as they tore through the wind and the ground came closer and closer.

Why even have this sentence if you're going to point out in the next one that they're traveling towards the ground very, very fast? Whose mind are we in anyway? Why are we switching between the Dashes and Applejack?

>From the ground, Applejack saw what used to be a speck in the sky turn into a dot that was increasing in size with every second. Looks like the sun was too busy, she thought, Or maybe it's just fired up and doesn't want to see anypony.

Applejack is a mind reader apparently. There's no way she would have thought this.

Insert critique about thought tags and how pointless they are due to italics already stating that they are thoughts.

>Worried Dash screamed as loud as she could while her carrier giggled all the while on their trip down. One was totally consumed with the fear that they would hit the ground at mach-12 and explode into bits and pieces while the others only concern was how the clouds looked when you passed them really fast.

Everything I keep pointing out in the review here applies so far. Confusing, needlessly wordy, yada yada.

>The wind blew past the faces of the speeding pegasi,

I get it already. They are moving very very fast. Apparently they're moving faster than the story is, since they've yet to hit the ground.

>bringing their ears flat across their heads while causing their manes to fly frantically about.

Your description could use a bit of work, to be honest.

>Arrival into the world and a quick exit through a nearby door. After hiding in a crevice for a while to avoid dangers, being chased by an odd-looking orange pony. Finally, being swooped up by a maniac and taken high up into the sky, only to be turned around toward inevitable death.

All of these are sentence fragments. That or they just don't really have a subject in them.

>That's my entire life? she thought.

I don't like how we were inside one of the RD's heads, then we switched to AJ's and now we're back in one of the RD's head. It's very disorientating.

>The ground was coming closer and closer as the speed of the falling pair increased.

Are you sure you don't want to describe for another three pages how fast they're falling? Apparently they're falling in bullet time.

>"I'd like you to meet my friend," yelled Idiot Dash, "The ground!"

They should rename her Suicidal Dash, but then her name wouldn't fit the title anymore.

>Worried Dash took one last look at the world around her and closed her eyes as she prepared for impact.

You're dragging this scene out too long imo. I'm trying to stay interested but this part isn't really that funny to me.

>Applejack watched in horror as the pair came closer and closer to the ground. In a few seconds they would hit the ground with enough force to kill them both.

The ground, the ground, the ground. Coming closer and closer and closer. To the Ground. They're falling fast. Very fast. The ground.

Three years later.

The ground. The ground. Th-


>Applejack shielded her eyes as they came deathly close to the ground and still at speeds too fast to live through.

>Suddenly, certain death was stopped in its tracks by a purple unicorn, trotting up on the scene that Applejack had stood watching for the past few minutes.

In my opinion, using the word "suddenly" is a lazy way of writing. When you write something in past tense, it's implied that it happened right at that second. Therefore, writing "suddenly, X happened" is pointless.

The fact that you emphasized that they sped towards the ground very very fast and couldn't possibly live through the impact and then this happens, makes the resolution anticlimactic. Maybe it wouldn't seem so bad if we didn't sit through four pages of "they were moving fast towards the ground."

The sentence is also constructed improperly.

If it were me, I would have RD close her eyes and brace for impact, but then nothing happens. After she opens her eyes, she finds that she's stopped in midair by Twilight's magic.

But the way you worded your sentence is confusing due to the participles and LUS.

Also if Twilight saw them, why would she be trotting? Trotting is a slow pace.

>Using her magic, she was able to halt the fall of the pegasi by just enough to allow a safe landing on the ground. After the pair was safely on the ground, Twilight fell to the ground, exhausted by the energy it required to halt a fall of such speed.

You used "halt a fall" twice in a short span, might want to change it. Of course, I think "halt a fall" sounds odd in the first place.

>"See, I knew the ground wouldn't let us die," remarked Idiot Dash as she rubbed her cheek affectionately on the ground.
>Worried Dash hugged the ground affectionately as well, vowing to never let go of it again. Idiot Dash rose off the ground, and began to direct the ground in what could only be described as a choir lesson. Moving her hoof from side to side, the pegasus expected the ground to begin to play music.
>"You're a little flat," she told the ground.

... okay then.

>Twilight yelled to Applejack while panting, still recovering from her feat

Sounds like too much is happening at once. What exactly is happening here?

"Well....now I'm too tired....to do anything....so you're going to....have to...lead these guys...back to the library."

Ellipses are three periods, followed by a space.

>You too Idiot Dash."

comma between "too" and "Idiot"

>Worried Dash followed behind Applejack in hopes that she would be brought to somewhere indoors where she couldn't be taken hundreds of feet into the air.Idiot Dash continued to lead her friend, the ground, in musical rhythm.
>Applejack rolled her eyes, she didn't want to deal with this right now.

Oh Applejack. I'm so thinking the same thing right now. I really shouldn't try reviewing things at 3am in the morning. I get snarky when I'm tired.

>"Idiot Dash, I'm having a tea party at my house and the sun is invited. Let's go."

Seriously? Ugh.

>At this comment, the cheerful pegasus followed behind Applejack as they trotted off to the library where Pinkie was taking care of the multiple Rainbow Dashes.

Such a mouthful.

>Only two more Rainbow Dashes remained.
>Searching for the final two Rainbow Dashes was easy to say the least.

I would say something about how it seems way too easy to gather all of the Rainbow Dashes but at this point, I feel like the story has overstayed its welcome. If you think I'm being mean, be aware that readers that get bored tend to drop fics very fast. If you can't think of a way to jazz up the story a bit, then...

Dublio shrugs his arms.

>Within a minute Rarity had already found the indigo mane of the enthusiastic pegasus.

comma between minute and Rarity

Yay. More colored manes, personality trait + pegasus. LUS Galore in this fic. I also have no clue which Rainbow Dash this is. Due to the way she's so excited over a rock, I will assume she is overexcited Dash.

> Over-excited Dash


>She was practically drooling over a rock that shined slightly when turned correctly toward the sun, jumping back and giggling with glee whenever she was able to make the rock shine. It was a quick pleasure, as the pegasus darted from one activity to the next.

I'm not even sure how to explain myself anymore but many of your sentence structures are many jarring to my ears.

>A wider-than-all-reason smile appeared on Over-excited Dash's face, "BOOKS? I love books. I want to read all of them!"

I think I repeated myself enough for you to start picking out your own errors by this point. See if you can find them all.

>"Well if you would be so kind as to follow me I'll gladly bring you to the books."

comma between "Well" and "if." Another comma between "me" and "I'll"

>From behind a tree Brash Dash darted out, aiming directly for the pegasus that Rarity was conversing with.

Reorder the first clause to make it less confusing plus change the second clause to include her name. Like this.

Brash Dash darted out from behind a tree, aiming directly for Overexcited Dash.

See? Short and simple.

>With a burst of speed she tackled the over enthusiastic pegasus to the ground.

Comma between "speed" and "she"
Delete "to the ground" because filler
Please reword the LUS.

>Over-excited Dash hit the ground with her blue-maned clone standing on top of her.

More LUS.

>"Poke!" Over-excited Dash poked her companion's mane with her hoof, giggling after it had been properly poked.

You said poke three times in the same sentence. I'm pretty sure that's intentional.

>Why don't you stop giggling and start learning your place."

replace period with question mark

>Brash Dash pushed harder on the pegasus she was standing on top of, making her face dig into the dirt.

Maybe reword this a bit. Here's a suggestion.

Brash Dash shoved her hoof onto the other pegasus's head, pushing her into the dirt.

>"I love dirt, it's delicious." The enthusiastic pegasus took a bite out of the soil, chewing properly before swallowing.

This story is less comedy and more random-but-not-really-funny territory.

>Rarity nodded and began to walk to toward the library.

I'm starting to see a pattern with your writing.

>Over-excited Dash followed her in simple admiration of her tail and the way it moved when she trotted.

Insert joke about Dash watching Rarity's flank here.


>All seven Rainbow Dashes had finally been rounded up and brought to the library.

Thank god.

>In the background the multiple versions of Rainbow Dash conversed.

Run-on sentence. Add comma between "background" and "the multiple"


Lower-case please.

>"Kill me now."

It's actually kinda funny that this line is actually in the story, but not in the way you probably intended...

>"Well, if you want me to kill you I guess I can't turn down that offer."

comma between "you" and "I guess"

>"Would you all please be QUIET?!"

You're overusing the caps and the interrobangs. The interrobangs are supposed to be rare but this is like the seventh one I've seen. It loses its effect after a while.

>"Rainbow Dash you do not realize how pleased we are to have you back,"

comma between Rainbow Dash and "you"

>The ending.

I'm wondering why the spell accidentally sucked her in but not the other ponies there. Also, where did Applejack go? Did you forget about her?

>"Where's Pinkie Pie!?!"

Overuse of interrobangs.
>> No. 95918
I know it's probably bad form to post two fics on here so close to one another, but...

[Shipping] [Friendshipping](yes there are both) [Random]


Rainbow Dash was just cruising through life, one delicious cupcake at a time. But, when she suddenly finds true love in a place she would never expect, she is forced to reconsider her views on dresses, inanimate objects, and apologizing for things that totally aren't your fault.

I want to get this as good as possible. I wrote it in one day, so it might be a bit choppy. I also am reconsidering the description...but it's four in the morning where I am, so it's the best I can do right now. Thanks!
>> No. 95920
Apologies for the wait in finishing your review TheOnly. I have no excuses. Before we begin, I want to make sure you're aware that I don't hate your story. I simply wanted to be as thorough as I could with it. If I really didn't care about making a good story, I would have dropped it. But I kept through with it so your story has potential. Please do not give up.

Anyway, moving on. I have provided a Gdocs link to your review as requested and am linking to the other three parts of the review on Ponychan. After the link, I shall post my general impressions and what I recommended. A quick precaution before we start, I'm just a regular person and have an opinion but it may not be correct, so take it with a grain of salt. I didn't mark down every error in your review but I should have provided enough for you to start finding them on your own. Anyway, here we go.

>>95368 Part 1
>>95374 Part 2
>>95916 Part 3

Gdocs Link:


Alright, general impressions time.

You have lots of "began to" or "started to" verbs. That's very boring and stalls the action with needless filler words. Just have them do the action unless it's appropriate for the action to continue on through the next sentences. Sometimes you use it correctly, but other times it's not needed at all.

A lot of your sentences sound very strange when said out loud. They're awkwardly constructed or just plain confusing. Your extreme use of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome plays a part in that really. I saw so many descriptions + personality trait + color of hair + pegasus that I tried not to hurl from being so dizzy. I feel like I just got off of a tilt-a-whirl trying to decipher what was happening. Sure, I was thinking that my life was full of fark the whole time, but that's because I was confused. The bad kind.

The humor misses its mark a lot of the time too. Some parts aren't really that funny and just make me facepalm. But I'm aware that every person has a different sense of humor, so that varies from person to person. Seeing as how many people on FimFiction seemed to have liked your story, that means that someone out there enjoys your humor.

As for me, I just found it random and kinda bleh.

I feel like the entire story was dragging on for far too long for some parts, yet it still seemed too fast for others. Yes, it seems like an oxymoron but it's true. The Rainbow Dash brings Rainbow Dash to the Sun part and dived towards the ground was majorly dragged out and the conflict of getting back the Dashes was also too easy.

You even said that it was too easy in the narrative. Like what the heck? I wasn't quite sure if you were trying to go for random or for comedy to be honest. Many parts made no sense at all. I'm not sure how to help fix that though since I was lost most of the time.

There were some missing words and missing or misused commas that I did my best to point out. Grammar was wonky sometimes too. Don't forget, using all caps and overusing the interrobang is a bad thing.

I'm sure I missed a bunch of stuff but it's all listed in the other massive posts that I posted. It's late here after all. Still, even if you went back and fixed everything I pointed out, there's still a lot of stuff that I couldn't catch because the other errors had to be fixed first. There's also the problem of remaking the same errors while rewriting. So my suggestion is to fix up this story the best that you can and then come back to the Training Grounds and get a different reviewer to look at your fic. The more pair of eyes on a project, the better your writing will turn out, so more reviewers is a good thing. It's going to be a lot of work but it's worth it in the end. I really do believe that in order to get this story on EqD, a lot will need to be done to fix it up.

Anyhoo, give yourself a pat on the back for finishing this story and keep writing. Never give up, never surrender.
>> No. 95925
File 133387403381.gif - (118.90KB , 341x192 , rou-pointe.gif )
Two things Mr. Ion-Sturm:

1st: Thank you for going through my fic. Though you were callous, brutal and wounding, those are all signs of a topnotch reviewer, and I guess I needed some hyper-criticism to light a fire under my nether regions. Your words got me more riled up than any EQD rejection I've read in the past.

2nd: Once I have finished the five ongoing stories and three one-shots that I'm currently drudging through, and develop my writing ability further, I'm going to create something worthy of your obscenely high-brow literary palette. By that time I should have refined my coarse writing style, and I'll give you something worthy of my pride as a Tryhard fanfic writer.

Cartoongeld, after going through Mr. Sturm's reviewing process, I'd like to apologize for delivering such sub-par work, I'm going to ensure that each corresponding chapter is worth your time as well as the time of my current reader base.

I'll see you gentlemen in May, I've got a copy of Atlas Shrugged to kill.
>> No. 95928
Title: Repercussions
Name: GaryOak
Tags: [Dark], [Adventure]
Synopsis: In the midst of Twilight Sparkle's quest for knowledge, she has hit a wall in her research of her mentor, Princess Celestia. With help from a new ally she will delve into the secrets of the past, but is she ready to face what she may learn?
List of links to the story: http://tinyurl.com/6q568ho
Which chapters you’d like to have reviewed: All
Comments/requests: This is the second time I have submitted this fic to the Training Grounds; the first time was back in February. I'd like an especially harsh reviewer.
>> No. 95932
I noticed that my fic has been removed from the queue because Golden Vision gave me a review.
However, he only reviewed the prologue (and did not confirm any intention to review the rest of the chapters), and it's really important that the entire story gets reviewed.

Would it be alright if I resubmitted it to the queue?
(Also I noticed that I forgot to put the title in the subject line. Goddamnit.)
>> No. 95939

Most of the corrections will be done in google docs, comment mode, to save time and drive the points here home.

Ok, your sentence structure is extremely awkward, and I know your trying some kind of French accent. Cool, except this is a bit extreme, not to mention that they never mentioned any other human languages. A accent is good, but when it makes me need to read over a sentence 3 times to understand, it's too much.

When it turns out Lyra was talking to Bon Bon, I was honestly surprised. I had absolutely no clue who in the world she was talking to, if she was talking to another character, or the reader. In this case, that's not very good. Maybe drop some subtle hints about who she's talking to.

Your fic has a few irregularities and non canon bits as outlined in the doc. However your flow is getting better.

Also this Dusty fellow? He just appears out of nowhere seemingly, maybe I missed something. But either way, I think you should take a bit of time to explain his relationship to Lyra, we can guess, but you have to put us in the right ballpark. It could be an affair, a boyfriend, a husband, give us some indication of how far, if anything, they are.

There is a case or two of where your perspective isn't consistent. This can really hurt a story badly. Try to fix them and avoid it in the future.

Your grammar definitely needs work, so I suggest getting an editor. There are plenty to find here on fic, but I am not in the mood to be one right now. Sorry about that.

At some parts it is so unspecific I have to read three times to figure out what you mean, add a bit more detail.

Your fic often seems choppily written, there's nothing to really do against this. The only measure I can think of is finishing the entire section in a single sitting, it's difficult but allows for much better flow.

Another problem here is the seemingly random appearance of new ponies. Like this "Bars" character. No hint, no warning just *boom* new pony out of nowhere! This is both jarring me out of the experience, and making me confused as a bat without sonar in a pitch black cave.

Some of your formatting could be better, like the flashback, make it a scene transition maybe.

Overall this fic needs quite a bit of work but mainly I suggest working on your flow. Without good flow, your story will not get anywhere, even with perfect grammar and amazing word choice. Flow is one of the key elements of a story. Understand and master this and this story will be one step closer to EQD

I did enjoy this story, but not so much that I'd read it in my free time.
>> No. 95944
Prologue raved by Golden Vision; smoulderfly would like somepony to take the rest. Who's up for 40k words?

Tags: [Dark] [Adventure]

Synopsis (and do forgive me if this doesn't make sense, I'm too tired right now to tell and I'm shit with synopses):
When an accident thrusts Spark Shadow out of a dark cave for the first time in a thousand years, he is forced to leave his family at the mercy of a tyrannical alicorn king. In order to rescue them, he reluctantly becomes Starswirl the Bearded’s apprentice. But he quickly learns that immortality is no blessing, and as Spark and his family discover their roles in Equestrian history, they are confronted by a darkness that has followed them into the light.

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1m_2K6MfaQCJxIFjhlWZbvKWesjQLgaczUNWoNvKwO14/edit [Golden's review >>95515]

Chapter One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BcG5-zYj_6s2zv-4-sKXvZBbHOUyNJ3xCuQIkwIC8P0/edit
Chapter Two: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HkwK--8HRR70J1ZSq4Dh0-cdd-WrHGJDQJqmcg8MEWA/edit
Chapter Three: https://docs.google.com/document/d/10fuuWXuK1SVT3NZUPcObJ9feR-zv5En7whM4ON8egFw/edit

Ezn reviewed the Prologue through to Chapter Two a month or two ago, and I've made the changes he's requested. Chapter three is new.
The plan for the story is for it to be an epic spanning from roughly 200 years before the founding of Equestria (that's counting from chapter one onwards; the prologue is roughly 1200 years before the founding) all the way to a few decades in the future of present-day Equestria (ie what you see in the show). We've been trying to remain as canon as possible. "Pegasopolis" is a placeholder until I can come up with a better name for the pegasus country.
The tagline (that will be in the cover art, which we have commissioned) is "Darkness will consume them. Harmony will redeem them. History will forget them." Awesome, right? Right. That just about sums up what the story is about. In fact, I should make that the synopsis.
Anyway, the story so far is currently 40,773 words long, so please make sure you have the time to read it all if you're going to review it. I have no requests other than suggestions for formatting on a flashback in chapter three (I went with italics but I'm not 100% on that). Just please critique it to the best of your ability as we're planning on submitting it to EqD eventually. Thank you!


Yes, it's okay to resub. In general, don't be surprised if reviewers want to see some progress before spending more of their time, but if you get a really positive review like you did and it's just a matter of the reader wanting to move on, go for it!

I'm taking the liberty of doing so for you.


Personally, I'm not up to 40k words in three chapters on gDocs at the moment. 10k is about the limit here, not officially but in practice. If it were also on FiMFiction (even as a work-in-progress - set the password) I'd download it to my e-reader. I'm also busy with RL and other projects now. Sorry I can't take it myself; it really sounds fun.
>> No. 96020
>>95669 >>95739
Detailed comments in doc.

The mechanics were quite good, which is rather refreshing. I just had a few detailed issues to point out. I'm assuming American usage, so you can disregard ones that you know are acceptable in British usage, if that's what system you use. As I've said, there are also errors that are acceptable in speech, considering the speaker and situation. Most of what I found were the types of errors that 99% of readers would never notice, so good job there.

Okay, let me pull some examples out of the first scene, since I suspect they may be worthy of mentioning throughout the story.

There are show/tell problems in this scene. Red flags include: straightforward statements of a character's emotions by the narrator, overuse of "-ly" adverbs, and (to some degree) over-reliance on dialogue. Telling does have its place, particularly in exposition or mundane details, while showing should dominate in scenes of high emotion or greater importance to the plot.

>“I guess,” Bon Bon said dejectedly.
Use of "dejectedly" here forces a conclusion on the reader. It imparts an idea, but less of a mental picture. Put yourself in the story as an observer. What do you see about the character that leads you to conclude she's dejected? Give me that evidence and lead me to the conclusion you want. It's more engaging, makes me think about the story, and enhances my mental picture of the scene.

There is also a lot of dialogue in this scene that is interspersed with little to no action. It creates a "talking heads" feel. What's said is only half of a conversation. Give me the rest: reactions to what's said, body language, actions, facial expressions, posture. Use a good mix of these characteristics for variety, or like anything else, they lose their effectiveness through overuse.

...and after finishing the story, I have to say: yes, you do need to watch the show/tell and talking heads throughout.

What little we get from ponies that are well-established in canon is good enough, and the rest are largely blank slates. Thus, the only danger with them is that they have to pass the sniff test of being believable as average people unless you go out of your way to establish them as something else. So, no problems there, except for the couple of remarks I had about Derpy.

Lyra seems a little high-strung, but certainly could have mellowed as she aged, so I can't tell you you're wrong. Bon Bon and the teacher come across fine as likable characters.

Well, what is there to say? It was a believable situation, and conflict was set up well enough. It wasn't anything earth-shattering, but the story was cute, and could be a nice setup for a continuing series about Lyra and Bon Bon in their youth.

It's a simple enough conflict that there aren't any holes to poke in it. The only complaint I had was the lengthy section devoted to describing a multitude of ponies that never appeared after their initial introductions. It was a bit of an overload.

I've enjoyed several of your other stories in the past, and the writing ability that made those fics good are readily apparent here as well. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 96022
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Hi! I saw that you decided to claim my story, for which I immediately need to offer a bar of gratitude.

However, since the rejection, I've looked at it a couple more times and decided to opt for the chainsaw-treatment and am in the midst of basically cutting out about half of it. I'll probably keep the first 3k words along with the ending scene and just bridge them together without all the filler. As such, I'd like to ask if you could perhaps wait a day or two till I'm ready with that.

I know I'm probably already a little late with this, timezones and stuff, but I hope I didn't leave you with TOO much work done for nothing. If you've already written up a review, then I'd still love to read it, since it'd probably help me avoid any future plodding pitfalls. In any case, thanks again for the claim!
>> No. 96026

Review acknowledged but...

Can you clarify on what you mean by the seemingly random appearance of new ponies. I get the part about dusty but that gets explained pretty soon afterwards. But I thought I'd made it pretty clear that there was about to be another new character when Dusty and Lyra separately acknowledge that they're about to go to the doctor.

Also what do you mean by Non-canon bits. The comments sort of cut out 1/4 of the way in so I don't really know where the non canon bits are. Was it Bon Bon mentioning she doesn't like her special talent or something.
>> No. 96027
That's fine. Let me know when revisions are done, or you can mark the parts you want to keep and I can get started on those.
>> No. 96036
Just letting you know I got the review.
>> No. 96039

Thanks! Also, great idea, I'll mark the parts that will most likely survive the procedure!
>> No. 96040
>>96020 >>95739 >>95669
A couple of final comments:

You will get conflicting advice about things at times. Different reviewers have different strengths and may get out of their element. This is true of pre-readers as well, particularly because they're generally not picking through a story with as much of a fine-toothed comb as a reviewer will. It should be somewhat apparent which suggestions are frank right/wrong issues, and which ones range from conventional wisdom/best practices to simple personal preferences. You are free to ignore any piece of advice given to you. In fact, I'm almost as wary of the writer that takes every suggestion I make as the one who takes none. The end goal is for you to be satisfied with the product, and happy that it's as good as it can be. If you find a particular reviewer that gets you there, stick with him. Do some research, if you like. Read a few reviewers' fics and see if that gives you any insight as to who would be a good match (though good writers don't necessarily make good reviewers, and vice versa). You are free to request specific reviewers when you submit here. That's even a good way to get your fic picked up more quickly.

Any questions, comments, review-the-reviewer remarks? Feel free to post here, contact me by email (in the tripcode of any of my claim or review posts), PM me on FiMFiction (same username), or find me in the IRC.
>> No. 96048
File 133393546603.png - (132.53KB , 640x500 , LOLWUT.png )
Oh...dear Celestia. *HACK* I think...I need a moment...to stop...laughing my lungs out...


Okay, I'm good. Let's get this review started!

1.) Characters
I liked Rainbow Dash's awkwardness throughout, and thought that you did an enjoyable job with the Cakes. They were there more as scenery than as real characters (as is the norm for [Comedy] fics), and you really did them right. Mrs. Cake's reaction to the "moustache" was hilarious and well-pulled off.

Something that I didn't like, however, was the way you started off. I think all writers have this problem, but toward the beginning, I felt like all of the characters felt quite wooden and just generally awkward- especially in the opening "Cupcakes" scene (no, not that kind of Cupcakes, you naughty readers). Pinkie's breakdown was especially weird, and I just found myself wondering what the heck was going on until I reached the "Inspection" segment.

Something that you could also do would be to develop the characters a little more beyond just gag reactions (e.g. Rainbow Dash's "erotic" dreams and her decision to go through with the whole thing). I think that you really should go through much of the dialogue and thought processes in this fic and make sure that they really hold some kind of real expressiveness- and what's more, that they are showing, not telling, which I did notice quite a bit.

Grade: 3/5

2.) Plot

I found the overall idea quite amusing, but I feel like you had some difficulty starting out, as well as a few issues along the way- for example, Dash's first attempt at just walking into the shop felt a little awkward and out of place. I'd suggest rewriting the first 1-2k words of this, just to get a better flow in place.

Grade: 3.5/5

3.) Setting

There really isn't much to say here, but I think you could do a bit more in setting up each scene. Most segments felt like little more than hollow stages for each character to perform their respective lulz-inducing acts in, so I think this bit definitely needs work.

Grade: 2.5/5

4.) Mechanics

Really just amazing- I don't think I caught a single mistake (though this doesn't mean that you shouldn't keep proofreading). The fact that I didn't just speaks of the effort and time that you've put into your writing- or at least that you have a decent grasp of the English language.

Grade: 5/5

5.) Originality

I think that the idea is fun- goodness knows there've been enough clamoring for this idea since the Dash Shipping Wars™ began. I do like how you ended the fic, but I feel like you could do a bit more to give the fic your own tone toward the beginning.

Grade: 3/5

6.) Comedy

This was just stellar- I couldn't stop laughing when I hit the last line, and plenty of lulz were had throughout. However, that doesn't mean that you should ignore the rest of the fic, as whenever an awkward scene came up (as I pointed out above), whether due to it being underdeveloped, or with wooden character interaction, the humor suffered. Badly. Let's hope your second crack at those sections does better.

Grade: 3.5/5


Total: 20.5/30

Ready for EqD?: Not quite yet
Rewrite Suggested: Mainly the first third of the story; everything picks up just fine from there.

Best of luck!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 96051
Please note that I've also done a line-by-line analysis on the GoogleDoc.
>> No. 96055
Maybe you can help me figure out how to make this clearer.

>Lyra crawls into Bon Bon's bed
>Lyra's too tired to notice Bon Bon is sleeping next to her
>Bon Bon wakes up
>Embarrassed, Bon Bon kicks Lyra in the stomach
>Lyra falls out of the bed and hits her head on the bedside table or the wall or something. (Now that I think about it, that's stupid.)
>> No. 96067

The problem with your sentences was that there was no mention of Bon Bon waking up or kicking Lyra off the bed. First there was Lyra climbing into bed. Next, she's magically already on the floor, and then she's running out the door for some reason. But the reason was never shown until later when Bon Bon screamed. It feels like you forgot to write in two or three sentences somewhere in the middle basically.
>> No. 96072
Summary: Over Fifty years after the events of the show, Twilight Sparkle returns to Ponyville, now a bustling city, to meet with her friends one last time. As she travels through the city, making her way to the meeting place, she is flooded with memories of her friends and their lives.


So I have put this through 1 review thread already a WHILE back, so I wanted to open it up to whoever wishes to review it. As said by the subject, be as Brutal as possible, because I want this to EQD and you gotta break a couple bones to learn the best way to heal.
>> No. 96084
Thank you for doing that. I know that 40k words is a lot, but I have no idea where else to turn for a review. The other review threads I've been to either have full queues or no time to read a story of this length. Apart from finding a long-term reviewer, this thread appears to be my only hope.
>> No. 96089
File 133395799724.jpg - (48.79KB , 853x362 , 430325-vlcsnap_00029.jpg )
You are welcome. It's good to see a writer so willing to act upon advice and criticism in order to better themselves. In the meantime, I suggest you also check out Terry Pratchet for a good guide on how to do comedy, with a dash of the action-genre story of your choice to figure out how to tackle your fight scenes.
>> No. 96122

Okay, ridiculously late and probably not particularly insightful, here is my review:

First off, a few things I noted on the first read.

How this spell even work? - does. Also , the sentence before is a little confusing. Maybe it could be ‘my heartbeat is the same as hers’.

"May you what in the what now?" Twilight replied. - That sounds like it should have an exclamation mark. Or, this being Twilight, I think it would do just fine as ‘May you what?’.

I’m drefully* sorry, - *Dreadfully.

"Fluttery-wuttery!" Rarity hollered, inches from the back of Fluttershy's head. - Really? I’m not sure that Rarity would give anypony a nickname like that. That’s more Pinkie territory. A simple “Fluttershy” should do here.

Rarity stared at the thick layer of muscles, bulging out under her hooves - I’m fairly certain that what’s under a pony’s hoof is usually the ground ;). Given that there’s no mention of Rarity resting a hoof on her leg or anything like that, I think you mean ‘from above’ or ‘bulging out over’.

I feel as if filth is pouring out of my every last pore. - To me, this should either be ‘of my every pore’ or ‘of every last pore’. Your choice :)

If that scaly thing keeps on bugging her, then I'm going to kill him. - Quick question: Was this written before Secret of my Excess? Admittedly, Rar- Purity is under a fair amount of stress at this point, so I can see he- him getting a little angry. But I don’t think he would call Spike a ‘thing’. Perhaps ‘ruffian’ would be a better fit.

Giving me an extra chromosome was 'hardly necessary’ - Small quibble I know, but I think this could be batter phrased as ‘Changing one of my chromosomes was ‘hardly necessary’. Unless it was to show Rarity’s…disinclination to biology ;).

Well, that's just pretty and just charming, isn’t it? I don't care! Change me back, now, you little purple dipstick. - Hmm… on second thought, maybe the Spike line isn’t actually that far off, given that Purity is going through hormonal changes. Then again, he is said to be Rarity on the inside, and that his hormonal imbalance has been offset by this point. Plus, above all, dipstick isn’t a word I would ever expect to hear on this show. For that reason, I think it could be:

‘…you little purple witch. Or maybe that should be b-

“It’s pronounced…’

That’s water under the bridge," he said - Missing the first speech mark.

I guess I should be impressed. Not even an extra Y-chromosome can stop my charms. - Same issue as before. Just remove that ‘extra’ and you should be fine.

Does that mean a distracting hat, maybe a bowler hat? - I don’t think that the second “hat” is entirely necessary.

but the white unicorn tired to keep that out of his mind. - Tried

sounding so caring that it reminded me of his older brother - Reminded who? Blackberry? Purity?

Right, aside from those specific parts that caught my eye on the run-through, I think there are some more general comments to be made.

Mechanics and Style

In terms of the former, I don’t really have much to say here. From what I could see there were very few punctuation or spacing errors. However, I would say that the changes in perspective were a little out of place. To me, at least, each section of a story should be kept in one character’s viewpoint, or at least the changes should be as brief as possible before returning to that of the main character. In this instance, I think that Blackberry’s segment of the final chapter could do with being separated from Purity’s.

Talking of viewpoint, there’s something I have to quibble about the style being used here. It’s rather… skittish, if I can put it that way. The paragraphs don’t flow, as such: they stop and start with a very irregular pace. Now, I think this works after the transformation, as it highlights the jarring nature of it. However, for the sections before it, and the ones after where (I think) Purity is supposed to be calmer, it does feel out of place. Remember that this is Rarity/Purity you’re writing for: When I think Rarity, I think long, flowing sentences punctuated by the occasional short burst for dramatic effect. Some of the word choice, and particularly the interspersing of thoughts within the narration already fit the bill, but the sentence structure doesn’t quite fit.

(Note: I only say that last part because I feel that you’re trying to write in the “Rarity-voice”. If not, then disregard that.)

The other aspect of the style that I have to quibble is that it’s often very repetitive. Large segments of the story go by, particularly the opening of the second chapter, where sentences all begin “She…” or “He…”.

For example: “He heard odd little noises going about his body. He immediately lost track of time. Even with his eyes shut tight, he could see that beautiful face in his mind as clear as ever.” It seems a little bit bland, to me. I think it could be spiced up, or at least have some variation added, such as: “Odd groans came at him from somewhere, but he couldn’t tell where from. Nor could he care. Time simply slipped away and left him with visions of a white stallion, ones that made his heart race and his cheeks burn.”

Okay, that’s probably a little too much, but I do think that there’s a little to be done with all of the s/he sentences, and perhaps a little more vibrancy to be brought to the descriptions. At the moment, a lot of the story is more of a list of actions than anything else.


In terms of this, though, I can’t really find much to complain about. Twilight seemed in character. Rarity’s mood seemed to jump around even more than usual, but, then again, you have rather explained it well with the hormonal imbalances. I think the scene with her discovering her changes suited her very well, though I would question quite how forward and blunt s/he would be in describing his/her new equipment. Blackberry seemed a little stereotypical, what with the very bluntly-stated ‘my family hates my orientation’ backstory, but I suppose that can be helped out later.


I have to say that this story held my interest through the more stuttering pieces of prose. I will admit, the ‘Twilight messes up a spell’ impetus for the plot is grossly overdone, but you at least managed to redeem it by not making it a teleportation spell. Or actually a mistake, come to think of it. It does seem a little… directionless at this stage, and I would say that I can’t see any huge epiphanies being gotten out of the (apparently) fixed resolution, but as a silly little rom-com it works well enough. (I really, really hope I haven’t just insulted you, there L )

(Also, this may also be an issue of style, but the disparity between Rarity and Purity’s strength and, well, stench was a little too overdone. I mean, unless Purity’s body is more akin to Big Mac than a simple stallion version of herself, I can’t really see there being such a massive difference that she would pull a door from its hinges without really much effort. Then again, it may just be over-exaggeration and -dramatics from Rarity, which would definitely fit.)

So, to summarise, there really is a decent story in 'Rarity’s Vacation From Herself'. However, I’d definitely suggest that you go back through it at least one more time and work out those prose issues, because they really do get a bit stifling.
>> No. 96127
File 133399660666.png - (55.77KB , 744x1052 , vanner-datplot.png )
Title: Friends of the Dawn
Tags: (Adventure)

Synopsis: When Celestia sealed Nightmare Moon away, she left her kingdom to fend for itself for five long years. In that time, Equestria almost fell apart, but it was brought back together by four ponies willing to fight for it. Now, as the Knights of Friendship spread peace and harmony throughout the lands, a dangerous new threat emerges from Zebra lands. Fueled by the same friendship that saved Equestria, a dark shadow threatens the world. It's again up to Heart Chase, Constance, Ridgeline, and Bard to put a stop to the mysterious zebracorn.


This is mostly for Cassius and Filler, but anyone is more than welcome to take a look and offer advice.
>> No. 96165
I'm getting tired of this, But I think I managed to fix EVERY mistake in the prologue (thanks Zamoonda).
Here goes nothing. I hope this is the last time.

Tags: [dark][adventure]

Synopsis: The world is changing. Animals behave strangely. Something bad is going on in Equestria, something bad is affecting it. something is corrupting it.
The elements will travel outside their home in Ponyville to try to fix whatever evil is happening. They will travel throught the world, meeting new and strange creatures, places, and dangers.

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/13418/Ancient-dangers


The EQD pre-reader said: "Your fic is held back quite a lot by poor word choice and sentence structure, but appears to have potential".
>> No. 96166
lol I put the old synopsis
>> No. 96199
Title: The Write Stuff
Author: Hyperexponential
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [normal][slice of life]
Words: 7278
Chapters: One-shot, story is a completed first draft, first time submitted for review
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1q-OKL7pRryTSoH9NpTV2ZK31u5oED17SNFsx715FtS8/edit
link is to a Google document with comments enabled
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash is Equestria's Best Young Flyer, but will she crash and burn when she puts pencil to paper?

I'm requesting a full-bore, top-to-bottom review.
>> No. 96208

I see you forgot to post in the queue again. That's okay, it's not like I wanted the minute and a half of my life back that it took me to manually enter it. Nope, I'm not bitter at all. My concentrated rage is not directed at you in the slightest.
>> No. 96230
I'll pick this one up. I'll go through it in detail, since I know you give a rat's ass, so expect something late in the week. Also softball. And writing. So... yeah, later.
>> No. 96305
File 133404159009.jpg - (127.35KB , 1280x1024 , Lyra132640934273.jpg )


Password: heartstrings

Synopsis: Lyra is a normal human girl with no motivation in her life. When she gets transported to Equestria, she's turned into a unicorn and has an... interesting meeting with Bon Bon.

I made all the changes that Dublio suggested. I'm submitting this again just to make sure I got everything.

And please help me write a better story synopsis.
>> No. 96328
Title: Fallout Equestria: Rules of Engagement

Author: Anon3mous1

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Adventure], [Human-in-Equestria], [Alternate Universe], [Crossover]

Synopsis: When lone Marine is transported to Equestria he finds only a post-apocalyptic wasteland. With no orders, no resupply, and seemingly no hope of return, he sets out to find what brought him here, and why.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/20055/Fallout-Equestria%3A-Rules-of-Engagement

I'd like to have the first chapter reviewed, just to make sure this story gets off to a good start. Wouldn't want to scare people off with bad grammar (which people have told me I have trouble with).
>> No. 96348
This seemed like an interesting premise to me, but it seemed to hit Dublio's sweet spot, so I suggested he take it. Now that you're back for more punishment help, I'll clean up the mess Dublio left behind scan for the nice final touches to put on this fic. I'm reviewing another at the same time, so it may take a few days—ETA of Saturday at the latest.

Dubs did a nice job giving you detailed feedback, and you can certainly have him look over it again, but it'd probably be a good idea to have a different pair of eyes on it as well. Every reviewer's got different things he tends to catch or miss.
>> No. 96351

Just as a heads up, I wrote a completely new chapter one to this story that takes place before the events in the original version. Whoever claims this can read both the new chapter and the original version, but keep in mind I haven't yet tied the two together yet. I'd say I have about one more brief chapter to go before I reach the events detailed in the original draft.

I did receive a (private) review by Golden Vision on this new chapter, but I am looking for a second opinion. I'm mainly looking to see if I effectively conveyed Twilight's feeling of disconnect from her friends. He also said the opening paragraph was choppy and doesn't properly introduce Twilight's character.

Thanks again!
>> No. 96368
File 133408253286.jpg - (48.92KB , 640x479 , m35CJ.jpg )
Maintained till here (not really me but I like taking credit for things I haven't done) Update tomorrow!
>> No. 96371
File 133408356195.png - (53.16KB , 429x410 , Fluttershy131464582562.png )
>> No. 96377

Plot Summary:
Twilight is stuck in a time loop. ZANY AND FUNNY RANDOM HIJINKS ENSUE!

Right off the bat, I'll say this: for a comedy, I didn't laugh. Hell, I didn't even crack a grin. As someone with as wide, immature, and vulgar a sense of humor as I have, I'm inclined to say that either "this isn't funny" or "you didn't put in the jokes." Well, no, you had referential humor: "CUPCAKES," implying that Twilight went on a massacre for one of her time loops. You also have a, uh, shout out to Sethisto (admin of Equestria Daily), and, uh... imply he's a rapist. You also quote "I Threw it on the Ground" several times in this piece, but none of the quotes ever amount to humor other than, "Oh, I remember that song that was actually funny."

And frankly, the premise to this is horrifying. The fact that she's so... blasse to it all really implies it's much more torturous than it really is.

The "Harry Potter books attacking everyone" and "To the moon" line were especially not-funny, and by that, I mean it was obvious that you were trying.

So, removing the "Comedy" tag from this, as it's simply not funny, and we're left with an interesting premise: Twilight is living in Groundhog Day. However, instead of presenting her slowly learning and/or coming to terms with being stuck and/or trying to get out of the loop, you just have disjointed "loops" that don't tell a story nearly as good as it could have.

I'm not entirely sure how the rules of this time loop work, but wouldn't the universe eventually (and therefore, during all of these loops) be overrun with Twilights (Future Twilight in one example makes me wonder this)? You need to more rigidly define how this works.

You've got an interesting premise: Twilight slowly breaking down as she gets more and more stuck in a time loop. Similarly, "loop 4" struck a sentimental chord with me (I didn't smile at this, but I did frown sadly), as you're basically showing where Twilight, on some level, gets betrayed by all of her friends who don't believe her. Honestly, I think that ending, if you built up properly to it, would make this an interesting, well-done piece: but a [Sad] piece, not [Comedy]. But, this isn't funny to begin with, so you're halfway there on that change.

I'd dwell more on Twilight's broken nature; there's room for "random humor" and "I'm dead inside."

The grammar and dialogue on this was mostly good; all you need is a complete overhaul. Either make it funny, which... eh, then it's really going to sound like you ripped off Groundhog Day.

Just don't forget to write an ending.

There's a lot of potential in this. I wish you good luck.
>> No. 96380
File 133408719489.png - (709.09KB , 1280x720 , Twilight_Sparkle_surprised_look_S1E24.png )
Wow. I really had no idea it was this...bad. Yeurgh.

Thank you so much for telling me this. I was inspired by a Naruto fanfiction with a similar premise, but it seems that the comedy idea is really just not the best way to take it. You're actually the second person to tell me that you'd like to see more of a plot. I'll get right on it.

Rewrite time it is!

Thanks again,
Golden Vision
>> No. 96519
File 133415546597.png - (634.38KB , 680x382 , Princess_Trollestia.png )


I'll probably send an email towards those whom have not responded to their reviews yet. I'll also do a run through to see if comments are enabled etc.

Tally-o ya lads, Infinitive out.

>Unclaimed: 18
> Reviews waiting for acknowledgment: 9
>Reviews in progress: 8


Arbarano | >>96122 | 4/9/2012 | | 3/16/2012 | Rarity's Vacation From Herself | SwiperTheFox | >>91377
Dublio | >>95047 | 4/3/2012 | | 3/28/2012 | Without A Doubt | Fable Scroll | >>93490
Dublio | >>94971 | 4/3/2012 | | 3/29/2012 | Reminiscence | SongofWinter | >>93479
"Eustatian requesting second opinion | >>95198 | 4/4/2012 | | 3/31/2012 | The Seven Tribes | Mechcolt | >>94214
Tactical | >>95087 | 4/4/2012 | | 4/1/2012 | The silence...of Mare-Do-Well | Firebirdbtops | >>94701
Zamoonda | >>95475 | 4/6/2012 | | 4/4/2012 | Ancient Dangers | goldar | >>95152
Golden Vision | >>95564 | 4/6/2012 | | 4/6/2012 12:59:56 | Pony Party | Khakispony | >>95538
Pascoite | >>96020 | 4/8/2012 | | 4/7/2012 0:05:57 | The Wonder Years | Dubs Rewatcher | >>95669
Golden Vision | >>96048 | 4/8/2012 | | 4/8/2012 | ...But the Kitchen Sink | Dubs Rewatcher | >>95918


CartoonGeld | | | | 3/14/2012 | Lovebirds | Zay-el | >>90605
Grif | | | | 3/16/2012 | A Cloud Divided | Dromer | >>91365
AzuNyan | | | | 3/20/2012 | Blazing Run through the Animal Kingdom | Arby Works/Mr. Masato | >>91786
The Great and Powerful Trixie | | | | 3/25/2012 | Daring Do and the Alicorn's Shadow | Crowind | >>92980
108Echoes | | | | 4/4/2012 | The journey | Jazzyfeather | >>95135
Pascoite | | | | 4/5/2012 | The Mare's Guard | LunarShadow | >>95396
Cassius | | | | 4/9/2012 | Friends of the Dawn | Vanner | >>96127
Pascoite | | | | 4/10/2012 | No, you're a unicorn. Now act like one! | AzuNyan | >>96305


| | | | 3/30/2012 | Harmonious Chaos | Fox Scarlen | >>94034
| | | | 4/2/2012 | Bloodline: Chapter Three | Jake The Army Guy | >>94355
| | | | 4/4/2012 | Void | Damocl | >>95111
| | | | 4/5/2012 | Free at last | Pinkamina_daine_pie | >>95266
| | | | 4/5/2012 | The Winter War | Anrichan | >>94319
| | | | 4/5/2012 | Trans Dimensional Turmoil | He-Who-See's | >>95164
| | | | 4/5/2012 | My Little Old Republic | AidanMaxwell | >>95395
| | | | 4/6/2012 9:07:24 | Symphony of the Dawn | McWeaksauce | no post
| | | | 4/6/2012 17:12:14 | September | Raharu Haruha | >>95587
| | | | 4/6/2012 23:42:47 | The Crescendo of a Storm | Bearycool | >>95667
| | | | 4/7/2012 18:39:42 | As Time Goes On | Nicholas Taylor | >>95848
| | | | 4/8/2012 | Repercussions | GaryOak | >>95928
| | | | 4/8/2012 | Fatherhooves | Tsubaki Rehooved | No post
| | | | 4/8/2012 | Aetiology | cause&effect and smoulderfly | >>95944
| | | | 4/8/2012 | Reconciliation | Rlogic1994 | >>96072
| | | | 4/9/2012 | Ancient Dangers | goldar | >>96165
| | | | 4/9/2012 | The Write Stuff | Hyperexponential | >>96199
| | | | 4/10/2012 | Fallout Equestria: Rules of Engagement | Anon3mous1 | >>96328
>> No. 96545
File 133417069629.png - (183.37KB , 3320x2600 , Claim.png )
Let's see what Split can do.
>> No. 96547
Yeah, I'm going to have to drop Blazing Run through the Animal Kingdom. The Apple Spectrum is going to take too much time.
>> No. 96564
File 133418125016.png - (157.28KB , 500x489 , mlfw1156_tumblr_lubbvyqZzw1r3k1m8o1_500.png )

>you lied to me. If this was 4k, I’m in need of a new calculator.

A handful of comments in-doc.

Oh boy where to start? You’re not a native English speaker that’s a given fact. Your writing suffers from quite some grammatical errors as well as punctuation errors. I would like to give you a quick and small fix for all your mishaps, however, it seems like you randomly flick commas wherever you think they go.

Furthermore there’s a habit of omitting and adding words which do not belong in the sentence. An obsolete a/an[/s] here a forgotten [i]the there.


>thinking such a bad things about a cute little filly who is having
>Okay, I really was in a need to think about something else.

There are more.

Which also troubles me is the fact that you had it reviewed by Isphone, Vanner, Vimbert, Ryone *insert the others I missed here* and still it’s kind of lulzy.

Now I’m not sure if it’s because you simply disregarded their advice or the lack of cunning. Either way, you need practice, exercises, and probably an editor.

I’ll post some links at the bottom for you to use.

The story…


You start with some shitty job she has and some kind of ‘easy’ magic that still requires 7 unicorns to perform and a truckload of tech. Only to have her mess it up… dude.

Honestly, after the first 5 pages having a lot a bit of emo-y whining from a character with no cutie mark while being an adult, and who never had booze, only to totally go crazy at a party. Then suddenly wake up in the human world (which to the human himself is like an awful place but he’s the one-of-a-kind understanding one). Okay… you lost me, probably, at the great explanatory of how her cloaking(illusion?) spell worked…

In short: at the part where you are supposed to capture my attention, and keep it, you failed. Bluntly put.

And your narrating… it feels like she’s thinking something but nothing is italicized. I’m lost, so very lost. If they are thoughts you do italicize them.

There’s conflict, I think… but it’s delivered without explanation nor is there any reason for. Opinion: meh…

Is this story salvageable? Yes, but this depends on how much time you’re willing to invest in it.

/end of rant/


Daily Writing Tips / dailywritingtips.com.
The Purdue Online Writing Lab (OWL) / http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/section/1/
Writing World (Dialogue) / http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/dialogue.shtml
The Sithicus Helpicus / http://bit.ly/ovOXpn
CV’s Writing Guides / http://bit.ly/pP8OzY
Escher’s Hints / http://bit.ly/o8voUF
Crossing Over - The Right Way / http://bit.ly/w2bDcz
Townson university/ http://www.towson.edu/ows/index.htm (this one has exercises, not sure about the others)

I gave you the tools, and now it’s up to you.

Keep writing.
>> No. 96627

Thanks for efforts.

Few clarifications:

That wasn't me who put 4k number here.

Now when I know where most of my errors are, it will be easier to avoid.

And I wasn't ignoring anything. It was that much worse before.

The point here was, the spell was easy as she seen it before, but this time required a lot more things for some reason. I'll clarify that. She didn't actually messed it up, she was made to think that way.

The human is not one-of-a-kind and the destination itself wasn't random.

The whole thing is supposed to be her thoughts/impressions.

And thanks for links, too.
>> No. 96630
File 133420626071.jpg - (177.55KB , 1600x1067 , 20298.jpg )
Title: First Dawn
[Sad] [Tragedy]
Synopsis: There was once a time when Celestia's rule was in its infancy. Thrust into power after her miracle of raising the sun, Celestia deals with the luxuries and responsibilities of being a ruler. After she loses control of her power, resulting in a national tragedy, she begins to wonder just what it means to be a leader with no one and nothing to answer to.


I have no idea how original this idea is, but I don't care. I'm going to have fun with it.

I'd say my biggest concerns at this point would be:
-Does Celestia's behavior and personality seem believable?
-Is the final scene in chapter one intense enough?
-Does this chapter need more padding?

I only have chapter one done right now, but I do plan on adding more, so not everything will be answered in chapter one, obviously.
>> No. 96639
>Thanks for efforts.
No problem, I forgot to mention two things. Try to read some published books and watch some English movies without subtitles. Learning through observing. Documentaries on Discovery channel should do the trick.

>Now when I know where most of my errors are, it will be easier to avoid.
I didn't do a complete line-by-line. Still those links will be very useful to improve. Which eventually should lead to you finding the hiccups yourself.

>And I wasn't ignoring anything. It was that much worse before.
Ouch... Well, may I suggest you put this project in the freezer for a while and start with a few short stories/one-shots. This was the first chapter and it was roughly 20k. If you have to fix things in this. You'll be very busy once you'll advance even further. The shorter stories could be fixed quicker and would give you practice.

>The human is not one-of-a-kind and the destination itself wasn't random.
I meant with this that the human himself sees the world as one bad place: afraid for the new, unknown. However, he isn't afraid for the unknown/new. It's the same as a human comes to Equestria and gets accepted in one paragraph... it doesn't make sense. I would freak if there suddenly is a unicorn in my house. Why isn't he freaking out, or at least having signs of it? He's emotionless according to the narrating still the way he acts just doesn't read right. He even casually invites her for dinner! Lolwhut?

>The whole thing is supposed to be her thoughts/impressions.
Yeah, I figured that much. Only it feels jumbled because of the lack of italics. Some times it feels like she's thinking something, however, then again it doesn't. You'll need some clearance in this.
>> No. 96640

Ah, crap! Sorry! I didn't realize I had to respond to the review.

Thanks to both of you. I'm much happier with Wonder Years now, and I'm currently in the process of rewriting ...But the Kitchen Sink. I'm going to resubmit that once it's done.
>> No. 96644
^^Please note that I've just reviewed Fatherhooves in my own review thread.
>> No. 96645

Please don't forget to provide a link. It's easier for the author and queue maintainers. Thanks!
>> No. 96649
Thank you for using your time and knowledge on my fic. I will be altering the chapter you reviewed just after I finish my final chapter so I have a structure to work off of. Your critique gave me suche good advice that I would have liked to continue, but i believe that with the ammount of fics you are taking care of, having no time for the subpar is completely understandable.
>> No. 96669
File 133426597767.png - (102.90KB , 500x500 , Coverart.png )
Alright, this time I ready for a review

Tags: [Comedy] [Friendshiping] [slice of life]

Synopsis: Star Gazer can't get a break. He's always stressed out by his constant studies. But his greatest stress of all come from mares: he turns into a quivering mess around them. Yet he still spends a large amount of the time in the Ponyville Library studying various books. It just so happens he's there one day when Twilight is testing out a new spell. However, things don't go as planned and now Star has to deal with the consequences: a longer mane and eyelashes are going to be the least of his worries.

Ch 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BJb_N_P4CUmZKxBIKaZK_zODHxo8TMB0yYA7Iv5NuPE/edit
Ch 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1i6yFwa8D3wjGKji8OupCRaYZ9uDHUXNIMF9_PYUf0h0/edit
Ch 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Mr4-z1F2H4D53kRHm0lq9AKf0tjJp671ooxXI_bAC8s/edit
Ch 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mHPLeWbj9YxjoXCVQymfM0p24iB37ZNlG1NiIJRUOhY/edit
Ch. 5
Ch. 6


Comments requests:
Pre-Readers at E:D said (I’ve edited since then though)
1.) The original character Star Gazer, later Cloudy Skies, does not come across as a very sympathetic figure. We do not learn much about him before he becomes a her. As a result we are left without any real connection to him as he goes through his travails. If the story were to develop him more as a character before dropping him into the situation we perhaps could better understand his plight.

2.) There are some errors in grammar and syntax. There's some extra spaces present. The word "complement" is used when the word "compliment" was intended. There's an unusual situation for us pre-readers in that times there's a lack of commas within a quote, which is the opposite of our usual problem of having too many. At other times you use it correctly, such as after "Umm", but sometimes you do not. Please do a check for these errors.
>> No. 96677
I'll take this.
>> No. 96687
hey, I just got an email about acknowledging the review of my history
i just put the link if you need it or something.
and by the way, i also requested another review for my history, since I corrected it. Maybe I confused somebody and they thought I was requesting the history two times
>> No. 96692
Tags: [adventure][dark][human-in-equestria]
Synopsis: When the latest attempt by the Cutie mark crusaders goes awry, they meet an individual who may change the very face of Equestria.

Chapter 1: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4989/1/Stranger-From-The-North/The-beginning#chapter_box

Chapter 2: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4989/2

Chapter 3: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4989/3

I was sent here from Equestria Daily, and they had said " Thank you for submitting your story, but we cannot post it at this time.

It does not appear that you have edited your story at all, for it took one glance at the first two paragraphs to pull out quite a number of errors.

1) You have a SweetiBelle in there.

2) You're missing an apostrophe from sisters' house. <-- is the way it should be.

3) You're lacking in correct punctuation in both dialogue and your sentence structures.

I can certainly appreciate the effort you've put into writing, but I think perhaps you need to work on editing, as well.

Please take your story over to Ponychan and ask for editing assistance before resubmitting. When you do resubmit, please include a link to the actual Ponychan review thread so that we can verify it has been gone over.

-Pre-reader 23-ish" After looking at it I immediately saw the mistakes and have fixed many of them (though some do still remain such as proper punctuation in certain places)
>> No. 96699
File 133428023733.png - (476.39KB , 1453x1158 , 140535 - armor artist Egophiliac planetside twilight_sparkle vanu_sovereignty.png )
I'd like to have mine taken off, if that's okay. I had it reviewed by someone irl.

| | | | 4/6/2012 17:12:14 | September | Raharu Haruha | >>95587
>> No. 96733
>>95396 >>96230
Detailed comments in doc

Not too bad. There was the occasional common error, but most notable was a lack of commas. There are also some issues with placement of modifiers, formation of possessives, and hyphenation.

Some repetitive use of words and phrases bogged things down, and watch the sentence structure, as some areas did need more variety.

There were a number of opportunities to show that were overlooked. The dialogue did a good job of communicating the characters' emotions, but not so much in the narration, where there wasn't as much of a variety in using facial expression, body language, etc. to reinforce the scene. What description there was often relied heavily on adverbs, which aren't engaging and do little to create a mental picture.

Trixie's done well enough, but the way she warms up to Curbs feels a bit unnatural. With her ego, I'd expect her to have the attitude that she didn't need anyone, or else feel that most ponies would dream of her and she could take her pick. Ease me into her surprise that someone would like her, or give a plausible justification for it.

Curbs is a likable fellow, but it's also a little convenient that he's attracted to Trixie. It's handwaved a bit that he's been following her around. It'd be more convincing if you showed me more of his developing feelings. We just get a snippet of overheard conversation between him and Moon Dust. Take me back to when he first encountered her, and how he developed a fondness for her of the course of time. It'll make the basis for their relationship more believable and engaging.

Moon Dust just seems convenient. He's always in the right place at the right time, and has all the connections. Make him work for it. He needs to be more realistic.

Is this story intended to lead into a sequel or subsequent chapter? The synopsis really plays up the shipping aspect, but it never really went anywhere. There wasn't a struggle to establish the relationship, and it's not clear that either of their lives have improved as a result. It's pushed until quite late in the story, and there's not any character development that happens as a result. Make it matter.

The battle scene featured some unrealistic action-film antics. It read like a video game cut scene. If you wanted something sensationalistic like that, then fine, but if you wanted more authentic combat, then rein it in a bit.

I rather liked the interpretation of Trixie's show as a storytelling performance, though her insistence on researching and adhering to the true origins of a story smacks more of Twilight than someone who should be used to wowing an audience by giving them what they want.

Final Thoughts:
You've got an interesting premise and a likable OC that just need more careful execution to make them shine. Do more showing, give the romance enough punch to ratchet up its importance and potential for personal growth, and make Moon Dust a more relatable character. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 96735

>Moon Dust just seems convenient. He's always in the right place at the right time
Err... that was sorta intentional. I may or may not have based him slightly off Sherlock. And he does mess up, but just not in this story. Heh, take that as you will.

> If you wanted something sensationalistic like that, then fine
Yeah, that is kinda what I wanted, but thanks for pointing that out!

Yeah, other than those two things, I can't help but agree with everything. Thanks for the review! I'll get working on this tomorrow and probably pop back into ttg sometime next week. Yay waiting!

As for writing a sequel, I may or may not have one forming. Sorta.
>> No. 96747
File 133430211532.png - (132.53KB , 640x500 , LOLWUT.png )
Just basically rewrote the entire thing, based on Golden Vision's comments.

[Shipping] [Random]


Rainbow Dash was just cruising through life, one cupcake at a time. However, after a freak encounter in the kitchens of Sugarcube Corner, the pegasus finds herself faced with something she's never encountered before: love.

However, this is not your average love story. For you see, the object of her affection isn't some handsome stallion with a windswept mane and gorgeous abs. No; her love is a sink.

Now, Rainbow must face the challenges that come with love, all while learning to deal with strange urges, teething children, and dresses.

My second attempt! I like it a lot more, but I'm sure there's still stuff I need to work on. It's fine if Golden Vision reviews this again, but a fresh take might be good.
>> No. 96761
File 133431099933.jpg - (5.29KB , 184x174 , images.jpg )
>> No. 96769
First off, thank you for all the work you obviously put into this. I don't think I've ever received a review this thorough before.

And thank you for bringing up the LUS. In the past, I'd received claims that I'm 'overusing pronouns,' and apparently I overracted. I'll edit all of that out when I get to the next revision.

I'll try to cut out the fillers, tone down the action, and improve the expression, as you suggest. Here's hoping I don't over-react again.

However, there's one point I'd like to ask for clarification on. Namely, that many of my sentences "sound off." I've been struggling with that problem for a long time (With or without LUS aflicting the sentence), yet I can't pin down the root of the problem. Most of the comments I received about it offered little more than "sounds off." So I would appreciate if you could point me in the right direction.
>> No. 96776

If someone said that you overused pronouns, that probably means that they found your story very confusing. Too many leads to "What just happened?" If possible, use their names. You're allowed to use their names more than once in a paragraph afterall. It can be a fine line sometimes.

As for sentences sounding off, I kinda forgot what I pointed out since it's been a really long time but I'll go over what it means in general terms.

Normally when a sentence sounds off, it's because the way the sentence was constructed which makes the meaning unclear or it sounds jarring. Perhaps the sentence is missing a word and you used a word that means something else besides what you think it means. One way to counteract this is to say your sentences out loud to yourself when reading your story. Of course, since you wrote the story, you'll only notice the more extremely obvious errors.

Examples that make stories sound off:

Redundancy - using the same words in the same paragraph

logic error - saying sentences that don't make sense

foreign speaker syndrome - talking with the subjects, verbs, and other pieces of the sentence in the incorrect order

Confusing - If your reader has to reread your sentence several times in order to understand it, then that's bad because it kills your stories' pace.

Tense changes - Changing your tenses in the middle of a sentence sounds awkward.

Improper word choice - Using a word that sounds like one thing, but is something completely different. This also includes words not commonly used in writing, so it causes the reader to run to a dictionary. Once is fine but not if you keep making them run to it every five seconds

Overuse of pronouns - Using too many pronouns makes your sentences confusing

Point of view - Similiar to logic errors, the PoV of your story cannot switch in the same scene. It can change when you switch characters in other scenes but they can't know what other characters know

Filler - Sentences with pointless fluff or extravagant description, so it's hard to know what the point is. Instead of getting a reader to feel something from your writing, you just serve to confuse them further. Sorta like being too purple except with basic terms. Being purple just means replacing those simple words with others that no one has ever heard of.

Derailing/Jarring - Talking about one subject then abruptly switching to another without proper transitions. Same goes for locations and scene changes as well as not describing the scenes well enough in the first place. It's a hard balance sometimes. Too much is bad, but so is not enough.

What's happening?! - Talking head syndrome. All you have is dialogue, but no actions as to what the characters are doing. So when you do write what they're doing, it seems like they're teleporting from place to place. In your head, you know what's happening, but the reader does not.

Repetitive story structure - All your sentences are worded the same, which gets boring after a while. If you notice, most of my sentences are the same. They all have two clauses and a comma. Except for the last one. And the last one. And...

Awkward - Sounds like you wrote a sentence that sounds right because you know what you want to say but what you actually wrote down wasn't what you wanted. Sometimes it takes another person reading your work to find this as many authors have blinders on their own work (like me). The only way to remedy this is not to look at your work for a long time. Once you haven't thought about it for a while, you might notice. But if you're a nonnative english speaker, then it'll be nearly impossible for you to tell (Not that I'm saying that. You sound like you speak english to me just fine).

These aren't the problems that afflict your story (Well, some of them are). I just wanted to put down a list so you can check for yourself. There's more than this obviously, but I just put down what's off the top of my head.

I guess it's kinda hard to explain which problem you have unless I went back and reread your story. It's been a few weeks I think so my mind kinda forgot. Perhaps it just sounds odd because I've read many stories and have seen many different kinds of writing, but when something different jumps out at me, I mention it. The only way to improve that ability to point out awkward sounding sentences would be to read more.


I'm sorry, I guess I didn't really answer your question at all, did I? Does that help clarify at all or should I explain more indepth?
>> No. 96802
I, Colonel Korn, claim your story for review.
>> No. 96820

Review acknowledged. Sorry for being so late, and all that.
>> No. 96822
I'll start off by answering your questions.

Does Celestia's behavior seem believable?

Yes. In fact, it is so believable that it has been used a million times over in Disney films. You've made Celestia into a Disney princess, always with a humble attitude and a thirst for justice. You may want to consider changing her a bit so she isn't so cliche.

Is the final scene in Chapter One intense enough?

It isn't so much intense as it is dramatic, but I think it is executed well. Keep it as is.

Does this chapter need padding?

Never pad. Don't waste the readers' time with pointless filler. If you watch anime, then you know how annoying filler is.

Some style issues:

You used some form of the word "melt" three times in Chapter One. Vary your word choice.

I feel like you emphasized Luna a little too much at the beginning of Chapter Two, and the obvious character description took me away from the story a little. I'm not saying to not describe her character, but don't "hit me over the head with it," so to speak.

Some grammar issues:

You abused the comma occasionally, although the sentences you wrote sounded correct. Need an example? Read the first sentence of this paragraph. I've marked in the document all the sentences you've done this error in. The construction is illegal because the portion after the comma is a dependent clause, which only are accompanied by a comma when they begin a sentence. You also use this type of sentence too much in Chapter One. Spice up your sentence structure.

"Alright" is not a word. Spell-check is a lie! Use "all right" instead.

Continued on Part Two.
>> No. 96823
See Part One first.

Plot issues (There aren't many; the plot was your forte):

How do ponies use bows?

Why doesn't Luna use the Royal We?

All things considered, I enjoyed this story--especially your imagery. I think you should keep writing, and maybe you could even get this story on Equestria Daily! However, I am not a pre-reader, so I cannot guarantee a favorable reaction. I can guarantee that you will have a good story if you take my points and submit this story to somebody else for their points. Good show. Good show.

Now I have a question for you:

How did I do? This review is my first, so I'd like any feedback you can give.


Colonel Korn
>> No. 96827
>>90605 >>95886

I'm not sure if you were still planning on rewriting this or wanted me to just work on the marked sections, but I figure it has been long enough that I should get this done. If I missed your intentions by either keeping you waiting or jumping into reviewing before you had finished the rewriting, then I apologise.

As always, if you have any questions or something I suggest isn't clear, don't hesitate to ask. The point of doing this is to make you a better writer, so you shouldn't blindly take my suggestions unless you understand why I made the suggestion.

I read through all sections, not just the marked ones and I noticed that the prereader's suggestions are spot on. They noted that the tone and style works very well for the first section, but doesn't work nearly as well for the rest. The writing style you've chosen is generally very wordy with a lot of adverbs and adjectives, which means that the pace of the scene is very slow and meandering, to the point that it calls attention to the writing itself more than the events in the story. This works very well for the first section because the main draw is Owloysius' character and the silly instead of dire, as Owloysius' words describe it, nature of the interaction with Philomena. The long style works very well because it gives the reader the extra distance and perspective necessary to recognise the inherent comedic nature of the scene. This is a subtle technique possibly unintentional, but it makes that section far more effective than using a shorter, less "purple" style, which would call less attention to the ridiculous nature of the situation and give Owloysius less of a strong character portrayal.

However, when you switch to scenes where the danger is actually real instead of a prank, drawing attention to the style doesn't work nearly as well, because the style is less important than the events. Drawing attention to the writing style distracts from the more important situation at hand and confuses the reader, since the scene itself doesn't lend itself to a comedy, but the tone staying the same as previous sections gives the opposite message.

What I would recommend if you haven't done something already and need a suggestion, would be to either remove or fundamentally change the scene with the serpent flies. If you want to change it, switch it to something like monkeys toying with Philomena so that it is not necessarily clear whether she is actually in danger or just fooling around, but keep Owloysius in character and interpreting the situation as grave danger requiring his full focus and attention.

Even if you don't choose this plotline, I would recommend keeping whatever section you add in the same style and level of severity as the original section.

Next to line-by-line considerations. Your mechanics are generally quite good. Some missing commas and typos, but clean nonetheless. I'll explain examples of errors here, and then if there are repeats, comment those in the gDoc.

>The library was under attack.
>Or rather, besieged.
I think you can rewrite this for a more obvious parallelism, as when I first read it, I parsed the parallel section incorrectly, The library was under besieged and had to stop and reread to get it correctly. Rewriting it to make the parallel structure clearer would avoid this.
>The library was being attacked.
>Or rather, besieged.

>A vicious, unrelenting and just
When you have a list of three or more items with a conjunction before the last one, many sources recommend a serial comma, which is a comma right before the conjunction. This isn't a hard and fast rule, but using it generally adds clarity and helps with parsing the sentence correctly.
>A vicious, unrelenting, and just

>and apparently its newest victim
I believe the apparently reads most naturally as an appositive commenting on the situation, so I would recommend offsetting this with commas.
>and, apparently, its newest victim

>The soaked phoenix flared her wings at him, just about doubling her already impressive size. Not that this served to calm his nerves in any way, especially as he began to feel quite warm.
These sentences seem out of order, as what would calm his nerves would be the opportunity to see a phoenix, not the fact that the angry one right next to him just doubled in size.

>as a scholar and instead picture
The instead here reads as a coordinating conjunction, so should probably have a comma afterward. Even if it isn't intended as such, adding a comma here would be good to give a pause in a sentence that has a long section without any indicated pauses.
>as a scholar and instead, picture

>This was all an owl could take and no more.
This sentence seems contradictory, as I get the idea of what no more is supposed to mean, but the actual sentence doesn't mean anything. Since the prose is very much in the scholarly owl's tone, a lot of redundant description and unnecessary detail is acceptable, but improperly formed thoughts seem much more out of character. I think you should complete it with something like
>This was all an owl could take; he would stand for no more.
I typically advise against semicolons in character speech, but Owloysius seems like the type of character that would speak in semicolons

>but also by letting by abusing
At least one possibly both of these should be removed in order to make the sentence read correctly.

>Section break
You switch to Philomena's perspective here, but you don't change the tone from the wordy descriptions of Owloysius. Since she is a more aware, albeit mischievous, character, the same tone doesn't necessarily fit with her perspective. I would recommend keeping the story in Owloysius' perspective up until where he tackles her to the ground, since writing in his style seems most natural and the relevant characterisation of Philomena, which is that she finds his actions adorable and hilarious, and that she doesn't take anything that is going on seriously, doesn't need to come out until afterward. You have Philomena describe Owloysius chasing her, but I think Philomena's perspective would be less effective than having Owloysius' overhyped opinion on his brilliance narrating the scene, only to have the contrast when Philomena reveals that she didn't take any of it seriously and Owloysius' confusion and overreaction.

I'm not going line-by-line on the bits you mentioned that you aren't planning on keeping, for obvious reasons.

>It had given her plenty of time to mingle with her newest guards instead and was pleasantly surprised to find Celestia had managed to acquire ones that did not seem to be all that intimidated by guarding her, of all ponies.
This sentence seems long-winded. You aren't in Owloysius' perspective, so the long-winded tone isn't as effective here. I would recommend breaking it up to make the apposition at the end seem more like an apposition and less like a necessary pause to allow the reader to take a breath.

>The alicorn’s hoof came alive on its own and took its rightful place at her forehead, accompanying her sigh.
Again, Luna's section should have a very different tone from Owloysius' section, so unless you are portraying her as the same naive scholar who gets obsessed with irrelevant details as Owloysius which if you are attempting to do so, you aren't making it clear enough, her tone should be much more direct. This action meanders far more than necessary, to the point where it is distracting from the action of the scene.

>Every single night she
When you qualify an action with a setting or a time, you typically add a comma.
>Every single night, she

>just barely resisting to break out her regal voice.
This isn't written correctly, but I'm not sure the best way to fix it. The obvious correction is
>just barely resisting breaking out her regal voice
but I'm wary of the double participle. Maybe something like:
>just barely able to resist breaking out her regal voice.
>nearly switching to her regal voice.

Overall, you should stick to what works best for this, which is Owloysius' overly longwinded and serious perspective on rather ridiculous events. The sections in Philomena's and Luna's perspectives could use a pass looking to switch them to a more typical tone. Avoid trying to broach serious events; this works very well as a silly one shot.

If you have any questions or want further feedback, feel free to post here or contact my email address, which is in the trip.

Keep writing.
>> No. 96833

Thanks for your review! Personally, I don't think Celestia was THAT Disney Princess-y. She's not some fluffy princess; she's responsible for the progression of the day and possesses God-like powers. That's why she's treated so well, not simply because of her status.

And I wouldn't say she has a craving for justice; she just wants to be left alone, either because she doesn't want to rule, or she doesn't think she can. This is developed a bit more in chapter two. She only goes to the battle because she has to. And look how well that turned out.

I'll go back and fix those minor plot issues you talked about. Really glad you think it's good enough for EqD! I'll probably submit it in a couple days.
>> No. 96834
Slow down a moment. If you read my review carefully, I said you should submit the story for review to at least one more reviewer. I'm only one guy, and this time is my first. Get a second opinion.

In other words, just because I like it doesn't mean everybody will.
>> No. 96835

Ah, whoops. Well, I do have it in another reviewer's queue, so hopefully I'll have more feedback soon.
>> No. 96836

Claim for second opinion: preread up/down.
>> No. 96837

Sorry, forgot to reply to your request for feedback.

I thought you did a very good job. You pointed out the little things, and you seemed to think things over carefully. Even if I didn't agree with all your comments, you certainly got me thinking about my story.

Thanks again!
>> No. 96842
File 133436693300.jpg - (34.59KB , 640x480 , yugo8.jpg )

I only just now noticed you've went through it already and though the fixes are still a bit away(IRL stuff), I'd like to thank you for this very detailed review!

Unfortunately, it's 3:24 AM here and I've got arrangements for the weekend, so the soonest I can get back to you on all your points in earnest, is Sunday. At least I'll have some time to think on how to get the whole thing flying again. Seems like I need an extra course on commas and a removal of ham and cheese from my diet.

In any case, thank you very much!!
>> No. 96845
File 133436970027.png - (750.44KB , 724x724 , Binary Fragment.png )
Tags: Adventure, Crossover

Synopsis: A new pony has come to Ponyville. Possessing a unique talent the pony rapidly gains attention. After over a year news of this pony reaches Princess Celestia and she hires the Pegasus. Now with the fate of Equestria in it's hooves the foal must take on the most important job of its life.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8015388/1/Echos_Of_The_Past#

This ended up being twice as long as I expected. But I kept it clean.
I’m just curious if I am going in the right direction or just completely off.
>> No. 96875
>>96305 >>96348
Review-to-fic word count ratio: 108%

Ok, first let me say that your premise is interesting. I don't read HiE stories. They just don't interest me. Yet you took a different angle on it that lured me in. Kudos to you for that. Since you played well with Dublio, I know you're willing to put in the effort, so I am, too. I gave you a lot of in-depth comments. Like Dublio's, they aren't all things that should necessarily be changed. Some are just to get you thinking. As I tell many writers: my opinion is just that. My opinion. I'm as wary of the writer that takes all of my suggestions as the one who takes none of them. Let's jump right in.

Detailed Comments:

>Just six more months till you finish highschool, Lyra, she thought, frowning.
"till" is an acceptable spelling, but I most often see it as 'til. Beware speech tags that provide information we already know. In this case, we already know it's a thought, so it's really only worth tagging it as such if you want to be able to extend the sentence to include more action. You've done that with "frowning," but I'd recommend adding more than that to justify the redundant tag. Give me a little more description about her frown, or a simile for it, etc.

>She sighed and dropped her book-bag on a pile of dirty socks.
"Book-bag" doesn't need to be hyphenated. I like the reference to socks. I once made a similar reference as a dig at The Conversion Bureau. :)

>Eh, skip it, she thought, after some time.
You've had three thoughts in two paragraphs, and tagged all of them with "she thought." There are fewer tags for thoughts, but others do exist. Mix in a different one here and there. You can lose the last comma.

>Lyra frowned and grabbed a soda can.
You didn't mention her bringing it in with her, and "a" makes it sound like one of several. Does she keep them in her room?

>After putting on her headphones, she pressed "play" on her CD player.
"Play" and "player" feel repetitive to me. Depending on exactly what kind of player, you could substitute "stereo," or just say that she popped a disc into the player and let your next sentence imply that the music started soon after.

>After listening to music for awhile, she noticed that the sun had set.
The word "awhile" means "for a while," so the language is redundant. Delete "for" or make "awhile" two words. Is she still sitting at her desk? I'd envision her flopping onto the bed, since she's already shut the book and wouldn't have a reason to be at the desk anymore.

>She turned the CD player off and went to the bathroom.
I'd use "into" for the difference in connotation. Wathch your sentence atructure. Three in a row begin identically. Now that the sun has set, we have somewhat of a time reference. Unless she lives at a extreme latitude, it's early evening, which is an unusual time to take a bath. Most people do that just before bed or first thing in the morning, unless they've gotten dirty doing something. It might be worth mentioning why she decided to take a bath at this time of day.

>She flipped the lights on and started to fill the bathtub.
Beware using "started to" or "began to" with your verbs, as you don't want to saddle (see what I did there?) the reader with feelings of incompleteness. Only use them when that's exactly what you want, because the action remains incomplete, is interrupted, etc.

Sounds a bit formal. I'd suggest simply "underwear."

>Diet time again, she thought.
Again, watch an obvious speech tag where it's not being used as an opportunity to transition into additional information. Extend the sentence. Show me her facial expression.

>Lyra looked down to a see a blue unicorn's head with a evil smirk on her face.
"Her" has to point to a noun or pronoun as its antecedent. You want it to refer to "unicorn," but it can't, because you've used it as an adjective. You'll have to use "its" so it refers to "head," or rephrase. Now, let's talk position. The water is up to Lyra's shoulders, so if she has to look down, there'd be no room between her eye level and the water for a head, which would place it underwater. She wouldn't be able to hear speech clearly, then. It's possible you envisioned her leaning back so far, that by "looked down," you meant that she lifted her head to look horizontally. Be clear, because my impression was that Trixie was underwater.

>The blue unicorn's horn started to glow as the drainage plug was pulled out.
Passive voice has its place, but it just makes this sentence bland. Rephrase "the drainage plug was pulled out" in active voice. "As" implies that the two actions are simultaneous, but the plug probably moves slightly after the horn begins to glow. I'd recommend "drain" instead of "drainage," or possibly remove the word altogether.

>and she was sucked down the drain.
Passive voice again where active would be more engaging.

Use a longer scene break marker. I usually use 8 dashes, and many prefer a full horizontal line. The point here is that this one is hard to distinguish from the em dash a few lines above it. Also, if you're going to add a blank line after the break (which you should), then add one before it as well.

>her pink and blue colored
Hyphenate this bad boy.

>mint green

"Ah, creeper!" said the cream pony, backing away to the other side of the tub.
This made me laugh. However... How do you envision her appearance? She left in a violent whirlpool, but does she show up on the other end without a splash or even a ripple? I'd recommend italicizing the speech to indicate shouting, and pick a correspondingly stronger tag than "said."

>The prowler was interrupted
Again, be wary of the obvious. The punctuation has already shown an interruption, but you're using it to lead into an action, so it may be okay.

>The unicorn staggered out of the tub and went over to the bathroom door.
"Went" is too bland a word for the situation. Use something that better communicates the mood, like "scrambled." And while Bon Bon was busy throwing these things, she wasn't shouting or continuing to back away?

Double punctuation is discouraged. Your call. I'll only mark it once.

>peeping tom
In proper usage, this term is capitalized.

It's not towel-like. It is, in fact, an actual towel.

>And why doesn't she have a cutie mark yet? she thought.
Obvious tag again. Work an action in, or just forgo the tag. You don't always have to use one.

>And with that, Bon Bon trotted off down the hallway.
Bon Bon seems awfully agreeable to let Lyra stay with her when she had just considered her an intruder. What's her motivation to do so? Beware use of this/that/these/those as pronouns. They are weak, as they almost always have vague antecedents that are entire phrases, senteces, or even paragraphs. It makes the text call attention to itself, which pushes the reader out. You can fix them by rephrasing to avoid the issue, or by inserting an appropriate noun afterward. "With that," the way you've used it, can't really be repaired, as by its nature it refers to the narration. It's just a badlt disengaging phrase.

>Lyra lied down on the couch.
Past tense of "lie" is "lay."

What is this "arm" thing?

>it was hard as a rock.
as hard as a rock.

doesn't need to be hyphenated

>Just as Lyra got settled, she felt an itch. "Grr. Itchy."

>her grayish cyan and white mane in a mess
grayish-cyan-and-white. You can delete "in."

>she finally eventually found one with...
Third person narrators shouldn't show speech affectations like trailing off or getting interrupted.

>She trotted to the foot of the bed and crawled under the sheets.
They're not tucked under the mattress at that end?

>And as quickly as she went to sleep, so quick did she wake up.
"quickly," but I'd recommend deleting it altogether.

>carpet floor
Pick one. You can't have two nouns here. "Carpeted floor" would also work.

hoofprints. And they didn't wake her up?


>just 'cuz my eyes aren't straight,
'cause. Unnecessary comma.

>"Thanks Derpy,"
Nouns, pronouns, and phrases of direct address (one character addressing another by name, title, or reference) must be set off with commas.

>I think a day outside will help you adjust to life as a pony.
Bon Bon's awfully quick to accept that what to her is a fictional construct really exists.

>All around them
Introductory phrases like this one should be set off with a comma.

>For the entire trip
Same thing

>shielded the sun from Lyra's face
You've kinda got the cause/effect backwards there...

>giving them their menus, and left to wait on other customers
Don't they usually ask for drink orders at this point?

>inside she found breakfasts meals

>A purple unicorn looked up at the door and sighed.
Sounds like she's reluctant to help. Twilight's always seemed eager to me.

Sounds to me like she cut off a (mild) expletive. Did you meant to use a dash?

>Lyra opened it and started reading. After reading

>Lyra looked around in awe at the stores wares; she had never seen so many instruments in front of her before.
store's. Lose "in front of her." It implies that she has seen so many instruments, just not in front of her.

>Then she saw it, a lyre.
Technically, it's okay, but I think the meaning would be clearer if you replaced the comma with a colon.

>string instrument

>Bon Bon groaned and paid for the lyre.
Wow. Where did Bon Bon come by that amount of money, and why is she willing to spend it on a stranger?

>She rested her flank down on the bench. Lying on the bench
Repetitive use of "bench."

>Picture it lifting off into the air.
Rephrase as "Picture lifting it into the air." It'll avoid a possessive/gerund problem that a professionally-edited book shouldn't have.

>Lyra groaned focused harder.
Read that and fix it.

>When she finished her piece, she turned to Bon Bon.
You need to be clear whether you mean that Lyra already had musical talent as a human, or if becoming a pony has given her the talent (in which case, it should surprise her that she can play that well).

>the tune was too low
One thing I give specialty advice on is music. What are you trying to say here? The volume is too low, the instrument is tuned flat, ...?

>Lyra, your cutie mark.
Surely this calls for an exclamation mark!

>On Lyra's behind
Strange word choice, but I guess you could go with it. I appreciate that you're trying to avoid repetition of "flank," but you could use something simple like "side" that isn't giggle-inducing (unless that's what you want).

Overall Comments:
I'll normally rehash a lot of my bigger points from in-doc comments, but since it's all here on display, I'll be brief.

I only found a few errors, and nothing that was consistently wrong, except for a little bit of hyphen usage. The editing to date has been very good. I didn't read the earlier draft, so I don't know whether to credit Dublio or you. ;-)

I feel like there needs to be more showing. We get dialogue and actions, but not much of the little details that add all the flavor. Mix in posture, body language, and facial expressions. It's especially important to do so when emotions run high or during critical plot points. Dialogue can communicate emotion as well, but use a variety of these methods to lead the reader to deduce the emotional states you want. Relying on dialogue alone creates a "talking heads" feel.

As an example, Lyra really didn't have that strong a reaction to becoming a pony. And Bon Bon had a fairly bland response to the whole situation. Put yourself in the scene as an observer. What do you see that clues you in to the characters' emotions? That's the information the reader needs to become engaged in the story.

Watch instances of repetitive sentence structure. There were a lot of subject-verb sentences that tended to get into a rut. It wasn't a problem throughout, so you have shown you know how to fix the problem. Just be wary of it as you go back through and look for opportunities to improve the variety.

Well, none of the characters you used have a canon personality, so unless you do something outlandish, I can't say you're wrong. My only problem is the abrupt transition from bored human teenager Lyra to happy, goofy pony Lyra. As with the talent, was she like that all along, or was it part of becoming a pony? It needs to be blended smoothly, or at least given justification. And why does Lyra not have any thoughts about how to return home, or fear/happiness at the prospect of being stuck in Equestria?

In addition to points made in the detailed comments, I have a lot of questions. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I suspect these are questions you want me to have, as they would keep me interested in reading the next chapter. What's Trixie's motivation? Was Equestria something that Lyra thought was fictitious, or was she not even aware of it? Do both worlds consider each other fictional, or is MLP not a thing?

Final Thoughts:
Cute story. It's an interesting angle that one of the canon characters was originally human. Tighten up the narrative, logic, and emotional content, and you could have something special here. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 96915
File 133442461041.png - (150.28KB , 500x337 , tumblr_lzri39ewad1r3k1m8o1_500.png )

Link to copied doc:
Comments in it.


It would be both beneficial for you and the reviewer if you got yourself a Google Documents account. This nifty little gadget provides an online word processor, accessibility almost everywhere, formatting, etc. and if you would be able to get an editor he can work in the document real-time, you watching over his shoulders.


Consider reading a few published English books watch programs and the such for how sentences should sound and crack open a book on punctuation and grammar.

comma issues

Commas, commas everywhere. I have a dreadful feeling you randomly chuck commas everywhere, like Discord touching random ponies for his amusement. I marked some mistakes in the doc provided above. However, my own knowledge is fairly limited on the matter, therefore have a link: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/

confusing sentences

Have one example:

>Somewhere in a purple filled place beyond space, beyond even time itself as most know the two, there floated a very odd sight.

The first line and you’re already made me raise my eyebrow as I was trying to figure out what you meant… I’m still trying to. You don’t want this, it doesn’t really invites me into reading further.

A lot of sentences read this way. There are sentences that are missing parts to make them complete or having too much exposition in them. While describing actions/scenery is fine, there’s a place and there’s a time. You are in the midst of a discussion and suddenly you describe a really plot relevant boulder that floats in space somewhere. Do you catch my drift? Carefully read through the entire thing and read it aloud. I bet there will be sentences that will sound off or plainly make no sense.

I don’t have an easy fix and actually my only response would be: learn to grammar.

random caps

You’ve got a capitalization problem through the entire story there are words capitalized which are not proper nouns nor are they at the beginning of a sentence. Read and correct.


These things are distracting. Again you cluck them randomly between sentences to sometimes state obvious facts about the part it’s in, or to add something that is supposed to be funny but isn’t. If you want to incorporate these, throw them into the mixer with the narration and make a nice mix. Don’t rely on them too much.

improper dialogue punctuation

You need to learn how to punctuate dialogue. Remember, if a variation of “X said” follows the line, you need a comma or other special punctuation mark (not a period) to link it to the phrase. There is no capitalization of the beginning of the phrase in these instances. Standalone bits of dialogue get solid endings, and the next word is capitalized. If you reverse the order, place a comma before you go into the dialogue, and end the spoken line with a period, exclamation point, or question mark. Refer to these examples:

Nope: “I shall excuse myself now.” She said.
Nope: “I shall excuse myself now.” She whispered.
Ee-yup: “I shall excuse myself now,” she said.
Ee-yup: “I shall excuse myself now,” she whispered.
Ee-yup: “Am I a monster?” she asked.
Ee-yup: “You can’t touch me!” the colt screamed.
Ee-yup: “I got a really bad tummy-ache after eating that pie,” Pinky mumbled.

Author’s notes

Have some copy-pasta:
First, it looks unprofessional, and reminds the reader that they're reading a fanfic. They don't want apologies, they want a story. Second, it ruins immersion before it begins. Reminding the reader that this is a story wrecks everything you're trying to work for. Third, most things that can be said with an author's note can be said in the synopsis or tags.

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome (LUS)
Have some copy-pasta:
Descriptive identifiers are not necessary or pretty, just cheesy and inelegant. If a character's physical appearance has already been described, using a description to identify the character too often (unless it's a mighty beast whose description bears repeating and emphasis) makes it sound like it's a line out of a children's book or something. You don't have to say "big purple dinosaur", because "Barney" is just fine.


>I was promised comedy, but I got none. :(

Ehm right, well uhm… what?

That’s basically my TL;DR opinion on your story.

Your story feels rushed in some places and Discord feels mighty OOC. He’s the god of chaos, he likes to play, and is quite the joker. In here, however, he’s that and a little bit of whiny. Just look at the second part of the episode. He wasn’t frightened during the moment the elements were used. He realized he was in peril as he was being hit. That’s when the fear kicked in. I don’t see him like you portrayed him in your story. He laughs in the face of danger.

There’s, as the pre-reader told you, a lot of dialogue which is not tagged. Isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it leaves the writing rather bland. When I’m talking to someone, I’m still doing something: rubbing my hands, scratching my head whatever you want. It needs emotion, it needs action. I want to know what they are doing told to me in an enjoyable way.

The comedy in it isn’t funny. You reference to Spongebob, and Spongebob isn’t funny he’s annoying. Further The Tick? That’s also a show, right? There where lolwhut moments but they were out of place and not in a good way. The made me raise my eyebrow more than they did make me laugh.

As for conflict. There’s a villain which is more powerful than Discord, but he sounds like an even more short-tempered version of Discord. He’s planning something, but not even the tip is lifted of his evil scheme and the following chapter Twilight suddenly needs to get to the royal archives for a reason that’s not given. They meet a humongous stallion and suddenly Twilight is unconscious.

That’s about it.

For now this should be taken back to the writing board and throw it into a very fine sieve. Take the big chunks of rough writing and polish them till they fall through.

Keep writing
>> No. 96930
I've been thinking about you story for a bit and I realized two things.

1.) Your OC is too self-insert. That's not to say that I think you modeled him after yourself. No, he's the Twilight/My Little Dashie kind of self-insert. The one where they're a flat character so that the reader can slip themselves into that character. EqD says that they don't accept those.

2.) Twilight screws up a spell. EqD doesn't takes fics where the plot is driven by a spell that went haywire.

But I see that you've already completed your fic. At this point, I'd just submit it to the proofreading thread and put it up on FimFic. It'll get more views there then on EqD.
>> No. 96931
>> No. 96942
>>96305 >>96348 >>96875
Sorry, I forgot to address your synopsis.

There is a synopsis thread. >>70737

Anyway, here are my thoughts:
You say Lyra has no motivation in her life, but there's not really anything in the fic to give me that impression, just a single bored afternoon. Likewise, the only event you mention is the meeting with Bon Bon, which is only one of several plot points, and doesn't speak to what might happen in future chapters. Of course, since I don't know where you're planning to take this story, I can't really suggest how to summarize it, other than to say something about starting her new life as a pony. If you want to shoot me an outline of future chapters, I might be able to help, or you can go to the synopsis thread.
>> No. 96943

I just wanted to double check: in our chat, I believed you said you were going to leave this story for Jmozziel/Lunarshadow to review, since I'm second on his queue. Just want to verify this.
>> No. 96946

Synopsis: When one has the reputation Trixie does, it can be hard living. Especially when her audience runs her out of town and tell her to not bother coming back. However, with the help of Curbs, a writer who's turned to mercenary work for pay, perhaps her show can go on.


Special thanks to Pascoite for his help in round 1 of reviews. You can find his comments here: >>96733

I think the biggest two issues he pointed out that I'm still having trouble with are developing Trixie's feelings for Curbs and making Moon Dust a little more relatable. However, those may not be the only issues that still need to be addressed. (I may have tried to take care some of the bigger issues Pascoite pointed out, but made them worse or really didn't change it enough.)

Thanks in advance to whoever takes this.
>> No. 96961
Tags: [Sad][Sci-fi][Grimdark]
Characters: Mane 6, Princess Celestia, Various Original Characters
Synopsis: Human from Earth Seeks refuge from bullying in Equestria, where he believes all is well, but nothing goes as planned.
Length: 2653 Words

DA: http://fav.me/d4vkadz
PFA: http://www.ponyfictionarchive.net/viewstory.php?sid=998
>> No. 96994
Tags: [Adventure][Friend-Shipping][Slightly Sad][Slightly Dark]

Synopsis: Soarin could have never fathomed the chain of events that would result from finding a freezing and dying filly in the middle of winter. Instead it threw him into a world of conflict, mystery and betrayal. But every cloud has a silver lining and the Wonderbolt might find himself, for the first time in his life, with a caring family.

That doesn’t mean it will last. Time is always moving forward, progressing. It’s one of the archaic laws of the world. Equestria has settled down into a nice niche as the powerhouse of the world. However, the longer you stay on top, the faster you will fall, blinded by power, wealth and success. The winds of change have already started to blow and Soarin will have to decide whether to watch it come to pass, or fight for what he knows is right.

Characters: Soarin, Scootaloo

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iYIqCoZda5k21rQ1LwaY3IJKMWV1RDZZA13ymU6unNo/edit

Comments: Currently this is only the first chapter of the story. 6 chapters have been written thus far but still need alot more work before I allow people to see them. This is my first time trying my hand at fiction. I have written scientific works before, but nothing designed to entertain. That said, I have never been very good at grammar and thus would appreciate any errors being pointed out. By doing so, hopefully, I will make less in the future.

Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read my fic.
>> No. 97025
File 133448518771.gif - (15.39KB , 200x200 , 132580617333s.gif )
>> No. 97027
File 133448791691.png - (262.06KB , 1280x1341 , Dash-derp.png )

Claiming this.

Will be finishing up Dromer's fic by tonight.
>> No. 97058
File 133450778954.png - (170.31KB , 900x778 , fluttershy-hehheh.png )
Right, sorry this took so long. Too much time spent on vidya games.

Anyway, I left comments on the doc itself regarding specific matters I feel that should be addressed. This review will be devoted to the overall plot, and tone of the story. I shall preface this by saying I only read up to Chapter 2, but I can reasonably tell where this is going as well as gauge some of the problems I feel that weighs down your story. Let's begin.

Mechanically, I can find no fault, though that should be no surprise.

However, your prose is best described as... clinical. It does its job, but it does it a little too efficiently. More often than not, I was told on what the characters did and not shown. I have no real feel of the setting, apart from the fact that it was apparently set in a pony version of 1800's America. Descriptions of settings and characters are often sparse. (I don't believe Aristokles' cutie mark was ever mentioned. Is there even cutie marks in this world?) Although leaving things to imagination are good, most of the time you leave a little too much out of the story. Also, I feel there were certain moments were you were trying to emphasise something, but it just seems to fall flat.

As to the overall plot of the story, I find the pre-reader's initial comment (I kinda forgot where I read this) that this is a haphazard mishmash of the American Civil War jumbled together with ponies to ring truer that I'd liked. That said, if we ignore that this is basically a retelling of the Civil War, it is a fascinating story. It is quite compelling to see how a cast out noble deals with exile and subsequent contact with technology. My interest in the American Civil War probably helped as well. But that brings us to the next problem...

Well, let's just say it's hard to say whether this could be read as pony or not. (You do have a problem with just nameswapping famous figures during that period for ponified versions.) Truth to be told, if you used the exact same story for an alternate history fiction set on alternate Earth along with humans with wings replacing the pegasi, it would not be out of place. Except for the prologue, there is no other hints that this is taking place in the same locale as Equestria. Indeed, you're probably threading on dangerous grounds here, as your fic comes remarkably close to contradicting show canon. You may have a plan to link this all together in the end, but readers would probably not wait that long for you to make the connection. I consider this to be quite detrimental if you want this to be accepted by the MLP fandom.

As such, I can only offer suggestions as to how to make this more pony:
One, would be to use Twilight as a narrator and have her open and close each chapter. That would mean you treat Aristokles as a secondary character as narrated by his journal. This probably would not take an extensive rewrite, and only requires you to add a paragraph or two to the beginning or end of each chapter. I have seen this done effectively and I feel it would help ground your fic (and by extension, your readers) that this is indeed taking place in the same Equestria. You may think this is unnecessary, but it is easy to forget past the prologue that one is reading a fic about MLP past Chapter 1. That might turn some readers off.

The second, would entail a complete rewrite. I would suggest using only the broadest outlines of the American Civil War and make up your own nation(s) and history for the story. You can keep the same general plot. I believe Cassius said it best, so I shall just quote him.
>Perhaps the Civil War concept could extend simply to theme instead of specifics in order to prevent what the pre-reader described as a "Ponified Civil War." I mean, you don't exactly HAVE to name drop now do you?

In any case, I think this would be a good story if you polished it up some more. As a fic, this is quite well-written. As a MLP fanfic... perhaps not so much. I do feel that you will continue to be beset by the nagging question of whether this is pony enough, if you continue this way. Remember, the readers only know as much as they read, and they don't have the outline of yours to read.

>> No. 97102
File 133451962865.png - (35.51KB , 400x374 , 63sad.png )
Oh well, I still had fun writing it and as long as people are entertained it's all good. At least trying to get to EqD made me clean up my work more. There'll be other fics to write... actually, I might be back in a few days with another fic (I wrote cloudy stars back in January)
>> No. 97126
If you want, I can give you some tips on creating interesting OCs.
>> No. 97134
File 133453731963.png - (333.66KB , 450x450 , N7CES.png )
Tags: [Adventure] [Crossover] [Sci-Fi] [Human]

Synopsis: What if Specialist Traynor didn't pick up Kai Leng's signal as he left Thessia? Commander Shepard and the Normandy are scouring the Horsehead Nebulae for any trace of Cerberus. In an off limits system there is a strange planet that doesn't exist on Council records, but appears to be emitting an unusual signal. Shepard brings the Normandy in to investigate. Meanwhile, Celestia is finding it hard to adapt to Luna's return, and her radical ideas.

G-Doc Collection: https://docs.google.com/?pli=1#folders/0B83Uo7mBIRakeDdfTWNtOTBWNUU

Mostly here for a grammatical check-up, but wouldn't mind somepony who could take a look at the plot. For full enjoyment, I recommend that whoever takes this has played Mass Effect 3. Mass Effect 1 and 2 would also be recommended, but aren't necessary. Thank you to whomever takes this.
>> No. 97136
File 133453743417.png - (149.27KB , 600x700 , Lyra-tired.png )
This... might be a little short. Since you did not put your work in GDocs and opted for a Fanfiction.net link, I won't give you the customary line-by-line.

Lessee. The problem the pre-reader highlighted was...
>Grammar errors.
>Punctuation errors.
>Spelling errors.
>Flat writing.
>Word choice errors (Loose instead of lose)

Allow me to demonstrate each of these.
>Grammar errors.
Whatever you think, starting a story in present tense is not the way to go. What more when you're setting your story in the past, and not the present. (As I think you mentioned.) That means your... first five chapters will need to be excised and rewritten into past tense.

>Punctuation errors.
Allow me to illustrate.
>"Blow the horn. Let the boys know we're comin' home." he spoke with a gritty voice.

Now allow me to do the traditional copypasta for these kind of errors, straight off Ezn's Guide.
>Dialogue which precedes a said tag can end in a comma, or an exclamation point, or a question mark, or an ellipsis, but never a full stop (period).
>Said tags are never capitalised. They are not complete sentences, and they should not ever follow full stops (as stated above). Think of them as the subject and verb of a sentence that has the dialogue you’re applying them to as its object. You don’t write “The boy kicked. The ball.” so you shouldn’t write “‘Hello.’ He said.” either.
>Dialogue which is split in half by a said tag will either form a single sentence or two separate sentences. It should be formatted to reflect that.

Ergo, the correct way to write the above would be:
>"... we're comin' home." he spoke

>Spelling errors.
Let me just list a few I found on a skimthrough:

Nothing a spell-checker can't fix, so no excuses for those.

>Flat writing.
I'll address this later.

>Word choice errors (Loose instead of lose)

Now, apparently this is in continuity with another fic. Or something. However, your prose is so... how would I say... unimaginative and filled with self-referential quotes that it made me jump ship half-way through the first chapter.

You open with a dry info-dump of your setting. To make things worse, you written it in present tense. It's already enough to mark your fic off as a potential for hard crash-landings. But okay, that can be salvaged. You could always move this material elsewhere or better, weave it into your narrative. But then you hit a pet peeve of mine.

To make matters worse, you sprinkle your fic with said self-referential material. Like:
>What is so special about this train ride is a passenger...
>they each embodied the stereotypical image of a bandit.
>It pulled out with the rather loud "SHING" sound swords commonly make.
>The White Wolf twisted his knees closing the gap that would have allowed for a slide; this is a common trick the "heroes" used. Pretended to jump, only to slide.

Dear lord, reading these sentence made me cringe. There's assuming that readers are pretty dim, and then there's this: assuming readers are idiots. It is one thing to emphasise things that you fear readers might miss. It is another to assume your reader is an idiot and you go on to beat facts into their head with words like these. Of course we know the train has somepony special. Otherwise we won't be reading this fic! Same goes to the bandits. Like, duh? They act and talk like one.

We go back to another concern the pre-reader highlighted: dry writing.
>Complying, the Dalmatian crumpled the note up and tossed it up out of the hole rather than leave it in it's best read form. The White Wolf crouched down, picking up the crumpled paper. Un-crumpling it, he looked around and spotted his best man hopping back towards his car. The White Wolf stepped back to let the Great Dane continue his bunny hopping towards the front cars. The Great Dane sped by, shooting his boss a shake of the head. The White Wolf nodded and heard a bang down below, similar to a certain fool slipping. He decided to pay no attention and flattened the note between his palms and looked at it.

From this paragraph, we can actually arrange it into a list of action.
>The Dalmatian crumpled the note up and tossed it up out of the hole rather than leave it in it's best read form.
>The White Wolf crouched down, picking up the crumpled paper.
>He looked around and spotted his best man hopping back towards his car.
>The White Wolf stepped back to let the Great Dane continue his bunny hopping towards the front cars. >The Great Dane sped by, shooting his boss a shake of the head.
>The White Wolf nodded and heard a bang down below, similar to a certain fool slipping.
>He decided to pay no attention and flattened the note between his palms and looked at it.

See what it looks like? A shopping list of what the characters is doing. There is little or no variation to the sentence structure. Is it technically correct? Of course. Is it fun to read? No. It is telling at its finest. That is to say, it is dry. What you need is to add more description. More show. More emotion.
Allow me to quote a paragraph from Midnight's Going Buck in Time. Do compare and contrast to see how he wrote it.
>Scootaloo looked at the clock on the wall of Cheerilee’s classroom, above the blackboard. It ticked, insidiously. The noise said I can do this all day, and I think I will. She grimaced at it angrily. The clock was edging inexorably closer and closer to midday, noon, when they’d be let out for lunch. Scootaloo grit her teeth and doodled on her maths paper. The pencil snapped. She sighed. She looked back up at the clock - if she hadn’t known that sort of thing was impossible, she’d have sworn that the dratted clock had gone backwards when she wasn’t looking. She scowled, it was possible.

There's no easy fix to dry writing, except to read more and write more. I will recommend you start by reading this, Ezn's Guide to Writing.

I don't think I'll address the plot and characters just yet, seeing how you would need an extensive rewrite to make this presentable to EqD. Fix the issues the pre-readers pointed out first, then perhaps we can go more in-depth into the story and characters. (They don't particularly impress me either, to be honest.)

Keep writing.
>> No. 97140
Addendum. It appears I mispunctuated my own example in my haste.

>Ergo, the correct way to write the above would be:
>"... we're comin' home," he spoke

My apologies if that caused any confusion.
>> No. 97148
Okay! My second chapter is written and ready for a once over.

Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria, a world that has not known violence like his in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this man man no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

>> No. 97160
Naw it's good, this is my only OC story I ever intended on submitting anyway (thank you Conversion Bureau for slipping me past the pre readers), again, I'll be back in a few days with a different story that pure cannon characters
>> No. 97165
File 133454851607.jpg - (54.51KB , 528x807 , 528px-Surprise_cg_by_dispozition-d4ayxpy.jpg )
Alright, let's have another stab at this.

Title: Breaking the Chains

Tags: [Shipping][Adventure]

Synopsis: Discord left a surprise behind before being turned to stone: a great spell of chaos that has encompassed all of Equestria. Every pony is suddenly given a mysterious power; an 'Icon', or magical object tied to the pony who wields it. While most ponies have no interest in using this new power to gain more, some out there are...
Celestia sends a trio of ponies to quell the unrest, but they soon discover these dissenters are no mere troublemakers... they aim to release Discord himself.

Chapters for review: 1 and 2
Word count: 9146 total

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1C19w0tp0fer7Lvkrz9Inqmeh-HWdm2FRdvgQHsA4YgA/edit

I'd like to request Halycon as a reviewer if he's still out there. If he hasn't claimed this one in 2 days, though, anyone can take it.

When you're reviewing, I'd like to know what things in the story interest you, what you want to know more about, and if there is anything I gave too much information on (something I thought the reader would be interested in but is not).
>> No. 97174
...and feedback acknowledged.
>> No. 97193
Hey, y'all. I'm currently number * in the queue, but that chapter is scrapped. I recently resubmitted the reworked version, so could someone please remove >>94355 from the list? Thanks.
>> No. 97196
File 133457043251.png - (937.53KB , 1440x900 , 126605 - artist raikoh14 Notes Octavia shading updated wallpaper.png )
Tags: [Slice of Life]
Summary: Faith, music, family. How do we cope when of the pillars of our lives collapses, and is anyone there to help us pick up the pieces?
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1jHlUT--ISnRs0kGWsvRDotZzim48cHQ_65QNQUr8__c/edit
This is a one shot at about 3.5k words.
>> No. 97197
I claim this fic.
>> No. 97203
One more thing. The EqD prereaders said I had big grammar issues. Could I humbly request a reader who's good with grammar? Thank you!
>> No. 97246
File 133460282723.png - (878.15KB , 638x790 , Rinzler.png )
>> No. 97252
File 133460875260.jpg - (111.06KB , 900x675 , sadder twilight.jpg )
[Sad] [Slice of Life]
Main Character: Twilight
Synopsis: When you've spent over ten years with your friends, is it possibly to be truly happy without them? Twilight reflects on this question, and becomes just a little bitter at her friends for leaving her.

(leaving her as in moving away, not dying)


Another experimental piece from me, one that I'm really unsure of. Right now, I'd say my biggest concern is that the story needs more fleshing out. This was a one shot I wrote last night, and a couple readers on FIM Fic said that the ending needed something extra. I have a nagging feeling that the whole story needs a bit extra, but this idea is something I like, so I want to stick with it and make it as good as possible through revisions.

I guess I'm asking for a more plot focused review, if that makes sense. Does the story explain enough? Does it have enough substance? Do I need to detail Twilight's emotions more?

Thanks to whoever takes on this odd piece.
>> No. 97254

Okay. I'll stay in contact.
>> No. 97258
File 133460985809.png - (302.49KB , 513x308 , Rinzler 2.png )
I read the prologue. I will review the prologue. The problems present in the prologue are probably present in the first chapter. The problems present in the prologue will keep readers with a discerning eye from continuing on to the first chapter. Fixing the prologue is your first priority, as any repairs to the first chapter without fixing the prologue will result in wasted effort.

I did notice that you switched from Arial 10 font in the prologue to Arial 11. The names are esoteric, but the size difference is noticeable. I suggest you standardize formatting.

You have inconsistent indentation. You indent the first paragraph and dialogue only, which is unlike any English grammar conventions that I am aware of. Common indentation protocol is to leave the first paragraph un-indented, then to indent every paragraph afterward.

Dialogue paragraphs are not special.

You had several other grammatical discrepancies that I noticed:

-Comma usage
>"Are you okay ma?"
As "ma" is being addressed, it should read "Are you okay, ma?"

>A log fell down of the fireplace causing a few sparks to hit...
"causing a few sparks to hit" is a participle phrase, so it should be separated from the main idea of the sentence with a comma.

-Incoherent sentences
>We are sentient but for what reason other than to examine our origin, and even then we deceive ourselves.
Appears to be missing a comma after "then," but on top of that, "but for what reason other than" is either an archaic dialect I am unfamiliar with or is wrong outright. I suggest revision.

>Twilight’s knowledge began to match Celestia’s due to her intense studying and even surpass in other topics.
As you are using a conjunction to conjoin two complete thoughts, you should have a comma before "and," unless Twilight's knowledge is doing two things in this sentence. However, because "even surpass in other topics" is an invalid phrase, I don't know what your intended meaning is.

>He leant on the stone railing
"Leant" is not a word. "Leaned."

-Comma splices
>the violet unicorn was sat cross legged on the chair next to her father, idle chit chat flowed freely between them.
These are two complete sentences that are spliced with a comma. This is wrong. Seeing as how this is conjoined with a semicolon to a third complete thought, I would find the two that are best-connected and join them, leaving the third on its own. Proximity in a paragraph does a good job at relating ideas, too.

-Non-hyphenated compound descriptors
A compound descriptor is an adjective-like phrase that is formed by conjoining two words into one. For example, "adjective-like." These are required to be hyphenated to demonstrate that they are a compound descriptor.
>ever present scars
>late night antics of colts

-Basic punctuation
>“Was it the nightmare again,” he asked sullenly.
Questions get question marks. It is their prime directive.

-Contractions get apostrophes
>"The nights beautiful,"
"The night is beautiful," or "The night's beautiful."

-Numeric representation of numbers instead of textual representation:
>1000 years
should be "one thousand years" or "a millennium."

Moving past your grammatical errors (and that is not a comprehensive list. I am not the Users' slave), the biggest problem with your story is that it is boring. You favor florid descriptors instead of describing events. This makes your story an adequate study in the settings of which a better story might take place, but in terms of the actual conflict, you need to streamline your prose in order to make the actions come to the forefront and engage readers.

Problems I had with the style of this work are as follows:

-Passive Tense
If you can help it, never say how things "are." Say what they "do."
>the violet unicorn was sat
is saying how she "is." Better would be to say that "the violet unicorn sat," as it's an action and more engaging to the readers. Ironically, sitting is a passive action, but it's still better to have it written actively than passively.

I'm also doubtful of the grammatical correctness of "was sat."

>draped across doorways were twisted strands of tinsel.
Twisted strands of tinsel hung over the doorways.

>The wall of teacher-pupil was torn down shortly after she returned to Canterlot
The wall of teacher-pupil broke down... (and reword the rest of the sentence to take a more active role)

-Vague Descriptors
You've already sacrificed focus on action in order to focus on how everything is happening. While that is a problem in and of itself, the fact that you're doing this vaguely means that you're effectively making a recursive mistake while making a recursive mistake while making a recursive mistake...

>The room wasn’t embellished a great deal
I assume every story begins in a dark vacuum unless told otherwise. This descriptor does not tell me anything I didn't already know or assume. Typically, avoid negative descriptors and focus on positive ones, as you only have to say one thing positively to do the work of hundreds of negative descriptors (which only exclude possibilities).

>The late night antics of young colts disrupted the prevailing silence of the night.
Compound descriptor problem aside, this is an almost lazy way to say, "There were ponies in the background making noise." What were they doing? What sounds were produced?

There is an age-old adage in writing: show, don't tell. It does nothing for me to tell me that "X character was Y." If you have character X perform some action Z that demonstrates Y as a personality trait, I can draw the conclusion myself. For example:

>He was brave enough to stand up to a bear.
is boring.

>The bear barreled down on Josh, but he stood his ground with ice in his veins.
is engaging and demonstrates courage.

There is some room for "telling" to describe personality traits; however, you go overboard in your prologue:
>it was gratifying to see them like this
Is passive-tense and telling Twilight's emotions. Better would be to show how she expresses it, if at all.

>A realization dawned on her as she came to wits with what this was.
Is redundant and obvious; what are Celestia's emotions in this scene?

Your opening paragraph is especially bad:
>She stared thoughtlessly into the fire. The flames danced so freely, captivating all who gazed upon them. Small crackles were heard as the timber split in the heat. The warmth of the fire filled the room, and a pleasant orange glow distinguished the three other figures in the room. She was deaf to their discussion next to her, only the rhythmic movements of the flames stood elegantly in her mind.
The bolded parts tell me that "there is a fire in a room." That does not need four sentences to convey. The fact that you don't mention who the speaker / narrator is until the middle of page 2 is also a problem, and frankly, it doesn't sound like Twilight

>To feel the breeze on her face took away all worries- all fears or concerns were swept away by the night.
First and foremost, that "-" should be an em-dash. Learn the keyboard shortcut for your operating system. However, this sentence is redundant (as both clauses say the same thing in separate phrasing)

-Rambling direct thoughts
Frankly, every time there is italics in this story, you could do better to make sure that it both sounds like Twilight Sparkle or Celestia, and you could make it sound natural, as if someone were actually thinking it.

In short, there is an interesting premise to this story, however, your writing style gets in the way of it. You need to streamline this, focus more on the characters and their actions, and frankly, make this more interesting to read.
>> No. 97278
Thank you thank you thank you. I was worried that no one was going to pick it up due to its length.

Please try and review all the chapters, if you can.
>> No. 97285
File 133462053083.png - (199.19KB , 900x1082 , surprise+cookie.png )
Doing review now. Expect in a couple hours or so.
You're asking for a harsh review, so I'll do my best to give you one.
>> No. 97298
Tags: [Episodic]

Synopsis: When Twilight Sparkle visits the Canterlot University of Ancient History on official business, Rainbow Dash begs to tag along for some sightseeing... but how much does she really know about archaeology? A chance meeting with her larger-than-life hero teaches her about the difference between fact and fiction.

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BrUKZ5v_0fbTidcxuT_vRlbthX2ONumkR7Bfi48-4Ts/edit

This is the first fictional work I've ever submitted to... well, anywhere, really. I figured a preemptive review would be sensible. I'm requesting a full, overall review, and any advice at all would be greatly appreciated: I'm mostly worried about characterization, plot-line sensibility, and overall look-and-feel. Spelling, punctuation and grammar aren't primary concerns, but do not hesitate to show no mercy and take no prisoners. Advice regarding appropriate tags would be icing on the cake: I can't tell if it's [drama] or [sad]. Contact me when claiming, and I will enable comments on Google Docs as promptly as possible. Thank you for your time!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to perform my first review ever. "Ask not what your 'chan can do for you," and all that.
>> No. 97300
File 133462330575.png - (302.49KB , 513x308 , Rinzler 2.png )
I cannot feasibly take notes on a .PDF hosted on DeviantArt. In the future, please upload your stories to Google Docs for review, as it makes the process much less painful on the reviewer.

Without notes, I can only give you a list of generalities to work on:

-The grammar was slightly rough.
>Stars, but no moon.
Is a sentence fragment.

>her chest, her flanks
should be joined as: "her chest and flanks"

>bone-deep all pervasive
You need commas to list descriptors in sequence.

I'm sure there's more, so you definitely could give this another proofread. Then again, that's true for all stories. But still, re-reading stories is good to work on them.

The main problem I had with your story is that it is extremely descriptive. Redundantly descriptive. Almost every noun had an adjective or two to describe it, and you abused adverbs.The main problem with that is that most of your descriptors are boring and cliche, so there's not much that can be learned from them. This problem of overdescription detracts from the readability of your story two-fold: one, it's boring. Two, it slows down the pacing. In your first chapter, you had a dream before Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash woke up together and walked to a war room. You establish that Twilight is in some position of authority. You also give an admittedly decent amount of backstory, through flashbacks; however, more could have happened in the first chapter. More SHOULD have happened in the first chapter.

As an aside, why would Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash sleep together for heat? Surely there's some sort of magic equivalent of an electric blanket or space heater.

To continue on pacing issues, however, I noticed that you simply proclaimed the backstories of the two other army colts (Stormsong and Zenith Eclipse). Now, this story had a plodding pace to begin with, but dumping histories like that instead of weaving them into the narrative is also bad practice.

In short, give this story a heavy editing session. Focus on the actions of the characters. Give backstory only when needed. Set scenery, but don't dwell on it.

And use adjectives responsibly.
>> No. 97307

Claiming for review. My first review. Ever.

...May God have mercy on us both.
>> No. 97314
File 133462611385.png - (1.83MB , 1912x1080 , COME MY MINIONS, RISE FOR YOUR MASTER, LET YOUR EVIL SHINE.png )
It has begun.
>> No. 97317
Snarkle, no... it's been reviewed!
>> No. 97334
Thank you. It hasn't been so long since I did my first (and so far only, I'm embarrassed to say) review here. I understand your trepidation, but I think the chances for our surviving the experience are good to excellent.

I hope you don't mind me looking over your shoulder while you work. (And please let me know if there is anything else I can do to add to your nervousness.) It's just that I'm running out of ways to put off finishing my taxes.
>> No. 97350
Alas. While I claimed this work on the spreadsheet, it appears that someone has overwritten my name and placed a review in its stead. Still, no sense to waste effort. I present to you my review here, and return to the shadows once more.


My good sir, it is with some trepidation that I present to you my findings on your tale, 'Free at Last'. Indeed, those very words were whispered with complete sincerity when I completed reading your work. Alas, my thankful plea to the universe was only to be turned into a dark mockery as I once more delved into the assemblage, in order to wring from this literary stone enough blood to pay the debt.

It is a great irony that you have chosen these three words as your title. As I progressed through the piece, I was reminded of other free men - or to be more precise, Fremen, occupying your tale in scattered tribes. There they lived and died, under the sway of the Bene Gesserit's corruption of their messianic prophecies.

What I mean to say, sir, is that your writing is dry.

But it isn't simply dry. It possesses that aridness of a world that once knew water - a vast, duned desert-world, once lush under the heavy burden of jungles and life, now a death-sentence for all but the hardiest readers.

What your tale needs is a simple thing, a small thing, but a thing that will require you to rewrite it completely, to erase and rebuild each grain of sand as something more - part of a living world.

You need to stop telling us what everyone does, thinks, and sees... and start showing us.

Your grammar is servicable, save for some formatting bugs. These may be artifacts from their source, but look for sentences ending in periods without spaces. Your font should be universalized as well, if it is not already. Cleanse the spice, and it will flow.

Your presentation, however, convulses, as if it were a sandworm sprayed with water. I give you an example:

“Are you okay ma?” asked a young colt, noticing her face becoming a sickly pale.

This could be better communicated.

A young colt watched her features pale. “Are you okay, ma?” he asked.

And so forth.

The shame here is that your story - the concept behind it - has promise, and yet the delivery will require a complete terraforming of the Arrakis landscape to better reflect the lush, lavish Equestrian realms we know so well.

I wish you only the best, Mr. Atreides. I hope, in time, you will see this as well.
>> No. 97353

Thanks for the encouragement! And no, I'm not really that paranoid. I have fallen in love with Google Docs' ability to track viewers and comments. So very cool.

As a note, I'm in much the same situation as you: I've only just requested a review of my own one-shot shortstory—for the first time ever, in my case—and have no idea what to expect. My story is also about Rainbow Dash and her love of stories, and our stories... are both... about seventy-two hundred words long.

I'm onto you, Hyperexponential. Don't make me break out the tinfoil hat!!
>> No. 97357
File 133463088250.png - (167.86KB , 800x800 , 75462 - Scrunchy_Face Surprise.png )
It seems I was a bit ambitious, thinking I could get through 18k words of a harsh review in one night. I'll try to have this done tomorrow.
>> No. 97375

Don't worry, I'm alive. If you don't mind waiting a few days (i.e. return time around Friday), I'll be more than happy to make the review. I'll put a claim on it unless you say otherwise.
>> No. 97376
Well now. *cracks knuckles* I may just have to get around to doing my second review. Let's hope the Internal Revenue Service and the Oregon Department of Revenue don't leave me a bitter, vengeful shell.
>> No. 97378
I'll review this, please and thank you.
>> No. 97380
I'll review this, please and thank you.
>> No. 97402
Tags: [Normal][Comedy]

Synopsis: The aftermath of Silver Spoon's words bore into Diamond Tiara's mind. Used to shunning everypony, now Diamond Tiara has to start over and make friends in Manehattan.

Ch. 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZKOcv3YrQUWNS3ngU5pU8Zy0SguOxBfiSE9tymytQOQ/edit
>> No. 97403
Claiming "Ancient Dangers" because yesimad

Claiming "...But the Kitchen Sink" because loltriplepost
>> No. 97407
Except the link you provided is dead. Goldar, can you repost the story? Preferably also in GDocs, if you could.
>> No. 97410
And I didn't have access to the GDocs (request sent). No matter! Raeg-based claims always come in threes.

Claiming "Echos Of The Past"
>> No. 97414
[email protected]
comedy, dark, romance, adventure

Twilight Sparkle used to be well respected and praised. But she damaged her reputation in a fitful night of mad ramblings and horrible prophecies. Now confined to the walls of Ponyville's hospital, the unicorn has to contend with her new 'imaginary friend', and piece together seemingly random events to figure out how to stop the encroaching darkness that threatens to consume all of Equestria.


I would like Uma to review this as well, please.
>> No. 97419
I'll review this, please and thank you.
>> No. 97435

Alright, first off, I'm sorry I didn't read your other chapter, nor have I seen the I Can't Remember The Name Old Republic. Obviously it was that Star Wars cartoon. Haven't watched it. So there's a lot working against you. However, I really enjoyed this.

Your beginning was brutal for me. I didn't really get what was going on. You kept switching between Pinkie Pie and The Smuggler. That got annoying and confusing. Then you called them all kinds of names like Sargent and such. It made it weird.

Also, your characterization was a difficult thing to overcome. You have great characters, but your characters are not Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie. They're something else that you sort of made up. Your Pinkie Pie felt more like a Spike/Rarity than a Pinkie Pie. So that aided to the rocky beginning.

However, once you got rolling, it got pretty good. You built up a fine story starting from page six onwards. It also tied the beginning together, but I don't think it excuses it.

I realize you're probably a little too far into the story to go back and change the casting. ie, you're not going to put rarity in there. And I don't want to be too harsh on you because Pinkie Pie is my favorite pony, but the characterization of her was waaaaay off. If you're going to have pinkie pie fall in love, that's great. If you're going to make her embarrassed about the love, then you need to maintain pinkie pie, I think. That's why I say you should make the hard stop at that one point. Just narrate a little bit about how Pinkie Pie is feeling and give some foreshadowing as to why. Maybe Rainbow can find out about it and tease the ever living crap out of her, only to be shocked and ashamed when she finds out that lemon is probably dead.

Now, if this is something that Rainbow Dash already knows about, I would drop those scenes down by at least 3 pages. You don't want to leave the reader hanging too long, they might not make it to the good part, and you definitely don't want to repeat your self unless you really have to.

Finally, I thought the beginning was slow. Dash being tired is sort of a boring way to start things off. You could cut out that whole scene and the reader wouldn't miss a thing. They already know Dash is lazy and Pinkie is crazy.
>> No. 97441
Refer to above post... It's not letting me see my old post for some reason... I'd otherwise delete and repost.
>> No. 97443
File 133463973862.png - (183.34KB , 1475x1491 , CursorConcentrate.png )
Claiming. Expect your review within 24 hours. While you wait, have a look at my reviewer statement:

Note that I have read Fallout Equestria (and Pink Eyes, and the first few chapters of Project Horizons).
>> No. 97494
File 133465266960.png - (207.71KB , 572x604 , spike computer holy_guacamole.png )

I wanted to post my initial thoughts. I'll state up front that this review will be skewed, since I went in-depth on the first 25% or so, then did a quick skim of the remainder. So, some of my comments might be a little misguided or off-the-mark. Based on what I have so far, I'll let you decide if you'd like me to complete the review, or if you'd like to take it back for editing first.

First, I loathe FFN as a reader and a writer, so I copied this over to GDocs. Much easier to add comments in the document, too.

I get the vibe that you have a good handle on grammar and such, because you were doing plenty of things right in some parts of the story, particularly the first few paragraphs. After that point, the grammar errors drastically increased. Plenty of run-on sentences, missing verbs, missing commas to isolate clauses, and the like.

I'd wager that you could fix a good 80% of these issues on your own, if you just take some additional time to look this over and do some thorough self-review. Reading the story aloud to yourself can also help; it's much easier to stumble across errors in spoken word than in written text. Once you catch the bulk of the easy issues, you could send it back for another round of TTG, and get some assistance with the trickier 20%.

I marked up a bunch of grammar-related stuff early on, but got a bit lax when I noticed the same two or three issues popping up repeatedly. Like I said, I'm pretty confident you can locate these on your own. If you need more help at that particular stage, we can hook you up with a few style and grammar guides.

Plot, Original Character, Content
I would be inclined to break these into separate sections, but I can't really detangle them properly. Let's just sum this up in the order I encountered them.

We first start with an exposition dump on the OC. The stealth cutie mark has interesting potential, but a couple of Mary Sue issues bog it down. We have an improbable number of events occurring in a two year span, the OC gaining notoriety across Ponyville (minimally), the OC has discarded their birth name for a somewhat esoteric title, and of course, neon green eyes. Also, I don't know their gender, mane or coat color, and there was only an incidental mention that they were a pegasus (at the moment where it became relevant).

But then, possible redemption! OC is suddenly presented with a challenging opportunity. It's a task that corresponds to their cutie mark, yet they're stumped! A full day of planning yields nothing. We have all the setup to enter a stealthy infiltration of Canterlot Castle with nothing more than a wing and a prayer. This could be exciting!

Bam. Inside Celestia's room. No stealth scenes, no mention of difficulties, not even a freakin' horizontal line to mark the scene change. Bam. I still cannot adequately express my disappointment here. :(

But okay. We have a new mission. Let's see where this takes us. We sneak up on Luna and, "Hey, guess what? This fic isn't about the OC or stealthing at all. It's actually that Celestia was pony Hitler and humans were the Jews!"

Um. Okay. Content issues aside, this is a huge bait-and-switch. Your fic's summary and the first few pages all point toward the OC playing a central role, and the [Adventure] tag and the opening mission hint toward stealth missions. But then we hit this twist a quarter of the way into the fic, and from a quick scan of the rest of the fic, this seems to be the focus for its remainder: confronting Celestia, overthrowing Celestia, dealing with the aftermath.

The OC's stealth talents appear to fall irrelevant, and he/she seems to just become a witness for the other big players: Luna, Celestia, Twilight. It makes me wonder if building up all this backstory for the OC is really needed at all, or if the story couldn't be served better by following somepony like Luna or Twilight.

Also as a warning, Tyrant Celestia is somewhat of an overpopulated trope. I haven't read enough of them to know if your particular spin is overdone or not, but just be aware that you may be treading on familiar ground for some readers... assuming that they don't become upset and leave over the bait-and-switch.

As for your particular twist, I didn't read far enough to really give any serious feedback there. Obviously, drawing direct parallels to Nazis without proper warning will rub some readers the wrong way; doubly so for making Celestia the ringleader. That's about all I can say for certain at this point. If you'd like, I can continue reading and try to judge the story's merits here, but given all of the above points, I wasn't sure if you'd want me to continue or if you want to take this back for some work-shopping first. I guess the immediate points I see are:

1) The grammar stuff. A few thorough self-reviews will clear a lot of this right up, and make subsequent reviews easier.

2) What to do about the OC. All signs pointed toward a stealth fic, I got excited for a stealth fic, but no stealth fic happened :/ You could certainly write a stealth fic with this OC, but I get the idea that's not what you want to write. C'est la vie. As it stands though, there's really no reason for the OC and story to build up this way. You'd probably want to replace the OC with somepony much more vanilla so that the story can properly revolve around Celestia and her past, or else remove the OC entirely and tell the story from a canon character's perspective.

3) Last, the matter of shifting the focus onto the real story of Celestia. Again, I can't comment on specifics of your execution, since I took a break for the night right at this point. Speaking generally though, it's risky business, so take care with it. As mentioned, if you devalue the OC, this will help the Celestia story move to the forefront, and prevent those bait-and-switch feelings. Correspondingly, you might need to be more upfront in your summary. Probably an explicit reference to the human genocide at minimum. The summary needs to be an accurate portrayal of what kind of fic the user is getting into, and presently it's pointing inaccurately at the OC.

So, that's what I've got so far. Again, in your reply, please indicate whether or not you'd like me to finish reviewing. I'd be inclined to say that this could use some authorial attention first, but I'm willing to finish the job if you'd find the rest of the review to be useful. Granted, I would probably focus more on the plot, OC, content, and so on, and mostly give the grammar a pass for now.

Hope to hear from you soon!
>> No. 97507
160 comments on the first chapter alone? Careful, don't burn yourself out before you even get all the way through the fic!
>> No. 97508
>>96946 Mare's Guard
Hey, it's you again! Can't wait to see how's your writing now.


Fallout Equestria: Rules of Engagement>>96328

Expect over the next two days... life is peachy right now. But, I've been shamed by the ghost, so I'm back here for a bit.
>> No. 97513
>Fallout Equestria: Rules of Engagement>>96328

I'd let you have it, but I'm already halfway through the review.
>> No. 97522
Ah, beat me to the punch, Eustatian. I told the author of "Reconciliation" I'd brutalize it, but you're welcome to it. I'm not sure I'd relish that one as an incomplete work. Check out the story comments on FiMFiction. The author has posted GDocs links to the chapters there.

Sounds interesting. I'll take this one.

I'll grab this fic as well. I loves me some sadfics.
>> No. 97526
Glad to see you pitching in, and if you have fun doing it, feel free to continue reviewing even after your own fics have been done.

There are lots of good reviews posted in this thread and its older incarnations as examples of what to do. I can say from experience that I've learned the most about writing by reviewing and reading others' reviews.
>> No. 97534
File 133467654674.png - (41.14KB , 203x225 , my_little_one_piece___luffy_by_snowflamepony-d3ktddn-2.png )
Tags: [Adventure] [Crossover]

Synopsis: The Straw Hats have been defeated and scattered by Bartholomew Kuma and now Luffy, their captain, finds himself in a strange land. Even stranger, he's now a tiny horse! He must now venture through this strange island to find his way back to his friends. But darker secrets may be lying in the land of Equestria.

chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pEmxgcT8k9Kd2NkqizO5IDwFIPmoo1OUzeKbGVKcJHo/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bC6s62BdqyqL6S1tvj6GO8gokgegRfZYYXvhl127R4Y/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/175REZRzgJrTDqh4Wt7F9oMyslovMou89X7rNvPo93l4/edit
>> No. 97542
Thank you kindly for everything, friend. It's made a world of a difference~
>> No. 97544
Thank you kindly for everything, friend. It's made a world of a difference~
>> No. 97553
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Review is in this GDoc:

tl;dr: Brush up on your grammar a bit, proofread more carefully, and stay on-topic. This is not a bad effort.
>> No. 97585
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Bored with high school, Lyra's life changes when she's brought to Equestria and turned into a mint-green pony with a magical horn bulging out of her head. After an... interesting meeting, Bon Bon decides to help Lyra adjust to life in Ponyville.
>> No. 97612
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I'm fine with waiting.

>> No. 97619
To review it, I hope!