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95560 No. 95560
#Reviewer
Hello, Ponychan! My name is Golden Vision, and I will be your reviewer for this evening. Please keep all hooves inside the car at all times, and remember no flash photography- that's plagiarism, and Twilight will send you straight to Tartarus for that. In the meantime, would you like some cider with your daisy sandwich? Yes, yes, very nice...

So! Welcome to my review thread! I'm an author on both fanfiction.net (Sage of Seals) and fimfiction.net (Golden Vision), and like to pride myself as an editor of sorts, both on the nets and off. I will gladly preview and comment on your stories, as well as give full reviews that I will lavish with love and care. Please note that I will almost never dismiss anything out of hand. Moreover, being an author myself, I tend toward sympathy for the writer rather than harsh criticism.

I have a few preferences and requirements, listed below:

1) Please put the following tags in your post, for each story that you want me to review:
Title:
Author Name:
Tags:
Characters:
Synopsis:
Length:

2.) I will accept nearly any genre; however, some things that I will not accept include gore, most grimdark, heavy shipping, human in Equestria, and of course, the infamous clopfic. I will occasionally accept OC stories and those fics where shipping isn't the complete focus of the story, but realize that my abilities and knowledge of such fics may be limited and imperfect at times.

3.) The preferred length for any submitted fanfiction is under three chapters, or between 1k and 6-7k words. Asking me to read any more is generally useless as I will likely be able to get a fairly good idea of any writing/style issues fairly quickly. I will gladly re-review something if my suggested edits are made, but keep in mind that I am not your beta-reader; I am here to get you started, and that's all.

4.)If you submit a fic to me in this thread, feel free to spam me about it to my email [email protected] You can be assured that, unless I somehow lose power, I will get to your fic within the day- if not sooner.

Now come along, grab your towel and bananas, and let's go review some fanfiction! I eagerly await your submissions!
362 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 102703
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102703
>>102636
So... basically contradicting what Eustatian suggested, which was to have them immediately be in a relationship.

Oh man dealing with this fic has ben a pain.

The problem with my old intro, in which Dash and Twilight are just friends, is there isn't really any hook to it. Not for the first page or two at least. As for having it after read it and weep, considering that the best young fliers competition takes up chapters 7-10... that won't really work out.

I think I may try rewriting the first two chapters just one more time. Including Twilight's need for Dash to help her with an experiment, but make it so that Dash doesn't have a crush on her yet. Hell, I may just throw what I have on the I do agree with your argument about just dropping into the middle of a crush, but then again, romance reports does exactly that. I may just throw the first 3 chapters out the window and try again without referencing them whatsoever.

This hurts to think about. I'm probably going to look at some references and come to a decision.
>> No. 102708
I've decided I'm going to do a rewrite, despite it not being suggested. Right now there are two elements I need in the beginning hook, and each one of my versions have one half of what's needed. The first half is having Dash's crush in a manner that doesn't seem forced. The second half is having something actually going on at the start of the story. And even then, both versions do the thing they have going for them poorly.

I'll watch a bunch of Dash and Twilight episodes from season one and work on their characterization a bit.
>> No. 102746
>>102708
'ello.

So it has come to this.
http://xkcd.com/1022/

One of the awkward things about being both a 'ship fan and author is dealing with the fact that not everyone has the same perspective or tastes that I do. This is doubly true when I speak with readers who aren't familiar with shipping.

I dislike stories that try really hard to explain why their characters are attracted to each other. The explanations are invariably either unrealistic (who rewrote the laws of reality and made love make sense?), or dissatisfying (well, yes, you can scientifically dissect pair-bonding instincts but, come on, "everytime I see you I feel a surge of oxytocin"?). They are nearly* always boring.

*I have an upcoming clopfic where as the twist ending revolves around this. (No sordid details, just outline:) Pinkie admits to seducing Twilight with her freaky understanding of pony feelings and explains exactly how she did it. By the next morning, Twi is... having a Twi freakout over the whole thing. She writes a journal recapping what happens (the fic's framing device) and the story ends on a combination of AAAAH! and Twilight burning her journal.

Ever since the oldest love stories - "Pyramus and Thisbe" anypony? - attraction is supposed to just fall from the sky, since that's what actually seems to happen and your readers might just identify with it.

Some of the best examples off the top of my head are "For the Love of Manican Food," Wingmares, and Off The Edge of the Map.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14735/1/For-Love-of-Manican-Food/For-Love-of-Manican-Food
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4022/Wingmares
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/480/Off-The-Edge-Of-The-Map

So, uh, sorry to drop 60k words to make my argument. I'll summarize. "Love" is a perfect story of desire. There's no explanation given why Twilight needs a burrito; she just does and she's entirely dependent on her friends' good graces to get what she wants. Replace "burrito" with somepony and you have a quintessential desire-driven short shipfic.

Wingmares has the fascinating setup of mixing a one-sided schoolfilly crush with limited perspective. Dash never quite figures out what's going on, but damn if the reader doesn't get hit over the head with it

==

Unable to contain her curiosity any longer, Rainbow Dash flew to the corner to have a look.

Boy. She got one. “F— Fluttershy?”

The filly’s wings shot up with enough violence to make Rainbow Dash flinch in sympathy. Yep—it was the same pegasus from the Circuit and the cafeteria, except she looked... well...

Her mane and tail had been cut short and ragged as if she’d been mauled by a gryphon, except that the rest of her was not on the verge of falling into fine ribbons. Instead, she looked like Andy Warhalter had used her as a paintbrush. Red splotches engaged oranges and yellows for territory on her forelock while greens, blues, and purples quarreled over her crest. Her tail had suffered a similar fate, where all six hues crashed together in a grand mêlée.

==

Map is a story where the author has said he was trying to ship FlutterDash, but nothing even remotely sexual happens and so they just come across as really good friends. It's a very nice story, if cringe-inducing. Each would be dead several times over without the other, but owing their lives to each other doesn't automatically translate to romance, does it?


But, that doesn't discount the reader's honest opinion. If Golden is wondering why they're attracted to each other, then at the very least the shipping hypnosis isn't working. I have to thank Nietzsche for this analysis: since the appeal of romance writing is based on emotional, not logical, argument, a successful ship has to shut down the rational part of the reader's mind and be symbolic and evocative.

I'm running out of time, but here's how I attempt to put that spell on the reader in the latest rewrite of "Fear of Falling."

==

The nice thing about clouds is that they're made of water. That way, thought Fluttershy, a pony could sit on one and not have to worry about ruining them with her tears. She had everything under control, though. She was okay.

Fluttershy blinked, sniffed one last time, and rolled onto her back. The sunlight pressed warm against her chest and belly, and she stretched her legs and wings into its embrace. From her inverted perspective the blue sky spread out above her in a great blue void that, for a moment, her body threatened to fall into. A few other clouds were growing higher than hers, fluffy, billowing fingers reaching into the sky.

She was actually glad that Rainbow didn't like mares. It meant she didn't have to worry about what to do with her feelings. They most certainly were not mutual and she didn't even have to risk embarassment to find out. Fluttershy closed her eyes and let the cloud support her back, imagining herself melting into an insignificant pink-maned yellow spot atop the cloud's white expanse. That was a nice thing about being a pegasus: no matter how cloudy a day was, it would always be sunny if she flew high enough.

==

The main conflict is there (first and third paragraphs), but only softly. The second is pure hypnosis. The weather will parallel her feelings throughout the story. More analysis and application to Flying, Falling later.
>> No. 102751
Title: Beohoof the Warrior
Author Name: Trixie's Hat
Tags: [Adventure] [Crossover]
Characters: OC's (Ponified versions of Beowulf characters)
Synopsis: In days long past, tales were told of legendary ponies. The Elements of Harmony gave their guidance to those who would be destined for great deeds. One of these, Beohoof the Warrior, claimed his glory in the defeat of many monsters. What follows here is his tale.
Length: Just under 5000 words.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sWdSC0zix_j7rxIR3DdnNCg5jFVpCltx0IUSMMf7i_s/edit
>> No. 102753
>>102746
Hm? Flying High, Falling Hard analysis party? I'll drop by later (after rereading the new versions).
>> No. 102756
>>102746
In my defense, I made that decision at the very, very end of a diablo 3 marathon (I beat it and then some!) and I wasn't thinking clearly.

Please convince me I don't need to rewrite (I'm at my wits end with this fic). It feels like the hook is there, but Twilight and Dash's interactions are incredibly forced. I couldn't put my thumb on it before, but something about this rewritten version didn't sit well with me. I wanted to attribute it to paranoia, but when I completely changed the Cloudsdale chapters, I didn't get the same feeling.

(Disclaimer: this message is written while suffering the repercussions of said marathon)
>> No. 102764
(Golden, we can take this to another thread if we're in your way.)

So, I gave this some thought in the way to class, and here's what I came up with.

- hypnosis mostly revolves around the ability to evoke emotion, which in turn is about taking the reader outside the subject's head

- the author can, and probably should, add a red-herring reason to ships if possible

- be gutsy and sell you ship with complete confidence.

FHFH starts with Rainbow in a tree, and I think that's a moment that works particularly well. Emotional evocation is what happens when the writer steps back a little and really lets the reader figure out the emotion.

Example: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/12778/The-Ice-Cream-Pony-Summer
I wish I could cite my own example, but Chatoyance has me beat at the whole "CMC plus summertime" game. ("Watching Paint Dry" is a similar idea as a short instead of a mini-fic.)

Either way, notice how we don't tell you (very much) how our characters feel. Instead, the setting and props have to support the emotion. RD falling out of the tree is good. RD's thing with too few blankets is good. Awkward fevered pony in bed is really good. Those are all moments that I think the story could use more of, especially with more sensory imagery. The other stuff doesn't add as much.

I need to apologize at this point, sounds. I haven't been as critical as you deserve.

So, other examples:
- Pacce and Stonershy's new clopfic is a pretty good example of telling a foreground and a background story - and the difference in pacing between the two. Background story in the first chapter: mercs get hired (and that's really all that happens). Foreground story: gratuitous sex and drugs for thousands of words. Either you like it or you don't.

- Romance Reports, especially the interludes (why is the not-sex better than the sex in this story?), is a masterpiece of evocative writing. Sleepless is reaaaaly good at the whole shipping-hypnosis thing in general.

- Background Pony: Melodious - does not rub the reader's nose in the sadness of the situation. Also, I need to give a non-clop example, right?

Next point:
red-herring explanation

Some readers will have a personality type that leads them to need to at least think they have things figured out. One of the things I did in "Falling" #2 (just by instinct) was to include a flashback to Cloudsdale with Fluttershy and Dash's interaction. It doesn't even give a good explanation of why they're friends - much less why Flutters would end up attracted or Dash might do the crazy stuff she does. But, it... reassures the reader that they didn't just drop out of the sky and maybe it helps.

I'm keeping it for hypnosis value. It's a genuinely nice scene with sightseeing and it plays the alienated mood of the setting (the pegasus equivalent of an empty alleyway) against Fluttershy's "alone together with you" feeling.

Actually, the best example I can think of is Gardez's The Wind Thief. It's first and foremost a dungeon-crawl adventure story. But there's a shipping plot that kinda comes out of nowhere in the final act (and throws a huge twist into the "save the world" plot) and that's when you realize: there's nothing that says a pony has to fall for her royally-appointed adventure buddy, but the whole thing was one huge, and very fun, red-herring story to cover Gardez getting his OC to lay Twilight.

Day-um.

There isn't one of these in FHFH as written. Just to throw an idea out there: perhaps Twilight leads the whole "I need to figure this out" thing. That might seem more in character. I don't think it's out of character for Dash to be thoughtful; although, it does make more sense for her to do things first and try to puzzle out the why later.



/mfw: I reference hundreds of thousands of words. I read entirely too much of this shit. Also, why clop > non-clop?? Is my brain just that broken?
>> No. 102772
>Either way, notice how we don't tell you (very much) how our characters feel. Instead, the setting and props have to support the emotion. RD falling out of the tree is good. RD's thing with too few blankets is good. Awkward fevered pony in bed is really good. Those are all moments that I think the story could use more of, especially with more sensory imagery. The other stuff doesn't add as much.
Essentially, you don't want to overtly tell the reader how they feel. You don't want to specifically show, point by point, how their relationship progresses. Relationships are, in reality, bizarre things in which one stage fades into the other and there is very little discernible difference. Additionally, telling the emotion is no where near as good as describing the body language and like that goes with the emotion. I do believe that what I'm saying here is that you are too overt for the "hypnosis" as Eustatian calls it (though I prefer immersion) to be effective.

>I need to apologize at this point, sounds. I haven't been as critical as you deserve.
Moi aussi.

>Actually, the best example I can think of is Gardez's The Wind Thief. It's first and foremost a dungeon-crawl adventure story. But there's a shipping plot that kinda comes out of nowhere in the final act (and throws a huge twist into the "save the world" plot) and that's when you realize: there's nothing that says a pony has to fall for her royally-appointed adventure buddy, but the whole thing was one huge, and very fun, red-herring story to cover Gardez getting his OC to lay Twilight.
Hm, I guess that I'm the only one who saw the ship coming the entire time. Then again, I was a bit closer to the project than most people. Anyway, Eustatian has a good point here. The best shipping stories aren't actually about shipping. Hell, The Wind Thief doesn't even have a romance/shipping tag if I remember right. Likewise, Within and Without doesn't focus on the shipping pair (I'm disregarding the bullshit that is PinkiexDashxFluttershy). It was a story of Luna, her troubles, and how she relates to others. Shipping for the sake of shipping is rarely good, and even then it could be better. Shipping is best developed as an add on, if a major one, to the main plot. Another example is Of Mares and Magic. The main plot is the duel between Trixie and Twilight, but through that and along that main plot, you see the shipping develop (no, the epilogue doesn't count). I realize I'm just explaining what Eustatian said, and probably in a worse way, but this is probably the biggest issue you will continue to have with this story.

However, I do have one little experiment I want to try. Let's look at Flying High, Falling Hard in comparison to Let's Find You a Date! The latter does have a plot besides shipping, that is Twilight's antisocial tenancies and the fact that she hasn't dated; the conflict is her fighting her hermetic habits. The former, however, does not. The focus of your plot is the relationship, and the conflict is the relationship troubles.
>> No. 102775
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102775
Title: The Southern Campaign - Prologue
Author: JessiDee
Tags: Drama, Tragedy, Script, Play
Characters: Luna, Celestia
Synopsis: A plan to bring stability to the world is brought to the attention of Celestia by her younger sister, Luna. Celestia is still distrustful of Luna, but goes along with the plan. All of this is set to the backdrop of the Lunarians, a small sect of ponies who worship the Moon and Luna, rise out of the darkness after being in hiding for 1000 years during Luna's banishment.
Length: The Prologue is 3,148 words. Overall it will be a three part play, with three acts in each part. I have acts 1 and 2 of part 1 done, but I will post those separate. Each is quite long, with just these three parts totaling about just over 9000 words. It'll be 12,000 once the third act is complete.

http://pastebin.com/U3ZDqAdA

I'm using this map as my inspiration for how the world looks, though only loosely. The outsides of the map, the Echo to the West, the Lost World to the East, and the Fade up North are the most important parts.
>> No. 102790
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102790
>Actually, the best example I can think of is Gardez's The Wind Thief. It's first and foremost a dungeon-crawl adventure story. But there's a shipping plot that kinda comes out of nowhere in the final act (and throws a huge twist into the "save the world" plot) and that's when you realize: there's nothing that says a pony has to fall for her royally-appointed adventure buddy, but the whole thing was one huge, and very fun, red-herring story to cover Gardez getting his OC to lay Twilight.

As someone who worked on the story for the first three chapters or so, I cannot believe that you could have missed all the implications in those chapters. Often, I would make some wiseass comments to Gardez about all the hints he was making, and soon "hot sweaty lesbian unicorn sex" became a running gag in the comment stream. He also once told me he might write a masturbatory side-story, which I shot down several times, and hopefully he abandoned that notion for good. Reviewer [REDACTED] was a bad influence on him in that regard.

Also, working on the story made me want to die on several occasions. I really don't like it.
>> No. 102798
>>102790
Ehehehehe
>> No. 102835
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102835
>>102790
>>102798
>> No. 102917
>>102775
Hi there JessiDee! Unfortunately, as your fic is more of a screenplay than an actual story, I must regret to say that I cannot help you with it. It's just too far from my realm of experience. I would be, sadly, unable to help you with it.

Best of luck regardless,
Golden Vision
>> No. 102926
>>102917

Do you know of anyone that can be of help? This is the fourth place I've been turned away from because this is a play. The first three were posting sites. The only really big place left for me is EqD (Which I heard that they don't accept fics written in script format) or /mlp/ (which would get TL;DRed and completely ignored)

I find it very strange that a fandom based around a TV show is so against things written in the style of playwrights. I'd understand a fandom based around a book and to a lesser extent, a movie, having these feelings but...some of the responses I've gotten are just baffling. Some have said that Script writers are lazy, and others have claimed that what I wrote wasn't really a story because it was a script. (I understand what you meant by it, it's not in the prose/paragraph format, and you don't have experience reviewing things in a different style, but I got a response from a pre-reader that basically amounted to the idea that no one would read a script for the sake of reading a script, which I should have responded by asking if he/she had ever read Faust, or anything by Shakespeare.)
>> No. 102931
>>102929

Thank you!
>> No. 102932
>>102931
Open the chatbox.
>> No. 102935
>>102926
Because movies and TV shows have visuals; scripts don't. Writing a script is often seen as lazy—it avoids setting, internal monologue, character actions, etc. in favor of dialogue.

Shakespeare, might be taught in English classes, and he's certainly a very good playwright, but that's just it. He's a playwright. His work is meant to be acted out. Your high school teachers might have made a token effort toward this by having students read aloud, but the dull monotone of a bored student is a far cry from a true interpretation.

There are certain plays which are intended to be read rather than performed. They're called "closet plays," and they've long been out of favor. If you're so confident in your story, either put it on and record it, or rewrite it in standard narrative form.
>> No. 102940
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102940
>>102935
>Writing a script is often seen as lazy—it avoids setting, internal monologue, character actions, etc. in favor of dialogue.
To be perfectly fair, you only describe badly written plays here. Most plays will have a description of the setting at the beginning of each scene, and a detailed overall setting either before it starts or after it ends. Internal monologue is done differently, though asides, which are harder to pull off. And to think that plays, as written, don't give a character action is hideously stupid. Every written play has stage directions and action, but the blocking of those actions differs from interpretation to interpretation. They are the same actions, just in a slightly different manner.

All that said, I heartily agree on the point of closet dramas being out of fashion. Why write something meant to be acted, and not perform it?
>> No. 102942
>>102940

I didn't really want to get into this on someone else's thread, but, since someone else sorta spoke for me, I'll respond.

There's a stylistic difference that goes beyond just a format. It leads to some very interesting dialogue choices. It's like saying the difference between a Third and a First person point of view is just a formatting difference.

On a more personal note, I'm a philosopher and political scientist by trade, and it is truly my passion to read and write in this style. I picked it up from reading the dialogues of Plato in High School, and it got me deeper and deeper into theater, particularly Victorian theater. If I didn't study Philosophy and Political Science, I would have gone into a Musical Theater or Theater program. I do this in my spare time, and I enjoy writing various plays for fun. Asking me to put one of them on is both ridiculous not only because who is going to take a Pony play seriously besides ponies (theater has really become run by profit margin), but ridiculous because I don't really have the time. If someone decides they want to take my play and put it on, that is their business and I'd support them 100%. But for now, I'd rather put this out there for others to read and enjoy.

And thank you for defending me, though, Anon, as far as the Lazy thing.
>> No. 102950
>>102940
Ah—no. No. Shakespeare, often held up as one of the greatest English writers ever, was extremely sparse with his setting and blocking, to the point where exits and entrances are often a matter of editor guesswork.

On the other end of the spectrum, you've got modern playwrights who put pages of setting and description in. Ionesco? I think I'm thinking of Ionesco, but I'm not sure—but he'd put in detail to the point you wonder why he didn't just write prose and call it a day.

>>102942
Script fics aren't always bad. It's certainly a valid choice of format, and for some uses it is a virtuous choice. But many sites don't post script fics, because they are often written by beginning writers who can do decent dialogue and don't want to deal with anything else. Sadly, it becomes an issue of integrity versus exposure, whether you'd sacrifice your chosen format in favor of a wider audience.

And it is, of course, your choice as to what's most important. Whatever your decision, I wish you the best of luck.
>> No. 102952
>>102950

Heh, well, I don't think I'll be changing my format. I wrote this for self enjoyment and hopefully the enjoyment of others. I could change it if I wanted to, but I know that it would not have the same affect. The point of this was to put the pony world in the setting of a Victorian play, with stylistic and even direct references to other Victorian authors.

Thank you though, for your kind words. I'll leave this thread now, thank you all for the good conversation.
>> No. 103055
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103055
Title:A Changing Performance
Author: Khakispony
Tags: [Slice of Life]
Synospsis:Narrowly escaping being turned into a statue at the hooves of Celestia, Chrysalis resolves that she needs to lie low, while also garnering the love she needs to escape Equestria with her people. When a boastful magician offers her such an opportunity, she is more than happy to accept.
Length:~4500 words
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LAvVNqR2ViIqM6IxQrXAIixJZ_bE93lhGe6PRVdm1DQ/edit

Comments: After three days of rewriting its finally finished. I'm still working out some kinks but I'd more like to see if this was a step in the right direction for the story. Almost everything was rewritten, except for the opening which you didn't seem to mind too much the first time. Heres hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.
>> No. 103158
Between 1,000 and 7,000 words? Damnit! Can you give mine a look anyway?

Title: Brains!

Author: ChrisTheCat (moi)

Email: [email protected]

Tags: [Comedy][Sci-Fi][Crossover (I think)]

Characters: Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy

Words: 12,657 (Sorry...)

Chapters: One-shot

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r4smKpQDB-dDY7YfMxiORlkJm_18HDm1m2lcGFn6bCU/edit

Synopsis: When a meteorite lands outside of Ponyville at night that nopony else seems to notice, Pinkie Pie decides to investigate. There, she finds a new friend...

Notes: This story uses British English, and has been proofread once before. Just a heads up.

Comments: I submitted this to EqD about a week and a half ago, and they said that it had too many grammatical errors and that it rambled. They then suggested that I come here. Any help I can get would be much appreciated. I'm also not entirely sure whether this qualifies as a crossover or not, so some clarification on that would be excellent.
>> No. 103314
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103314
>>102664
Hi, there! Sorry this is getting to you five days late—I've had a bit of a bumpy ride the past few days. But still, we're here now, so allons-y!

Comments are on the GDoc; overall review below.

————————————————————————————————

Character: 2/5
There were definitely moments where I liked the way you portrayed the characters and their interactions, such as when Sweetie and Rarity were doing each other's manes. However, on the converse side, there was definitely a consistent problem with keeping characters both IC and consistent, mostly in terms of how they reacted to one another's actions. I couldn't really get Sweetie's motivations right off the bat, either—it should have been obvious, but you overplayed the "evil little sister" angle quite a bit. I felt like I was watching an episode of Drake & Josh more than reading a MLP fanfic about sisterhood. You also need more work on getting Rarity's retains realistic; too often, she reacted completely over-the-top in a scene where it wasn't needed (Even for Madame Drama Queen).

Plot: 3.5/5
I actually liked this quite a bit. The gradual evolution of "childish prank" to "sisterly bonding" was done quite well, except in areas where character OOC abounded. You need more work on transitioning between moods and tones, too, especially at the end where "comedic bonding" became "sad introspection". My one gripe was, again, that you should make it clearer to us that Sweetie Belle isn't just doing this to be an evil little devil child; make her more sympathetic at the beginning.

Setting: 1.5/5
This is your major issue. Gah; there were so many problems that I should just lay them all out here: body language, SDT, redundant information, LUS, PoV switching, and so on. I've pointed out most examples, and I've given tips on how to improve some of them. You need to really take a critical eye to what you've got and make sure that you're giving us exactly what we need to go along with your story, and no more or less.

Mechanics: 3/5
You were good overall, but there were several typos and awkward sentences that need fixing. Try reading things aloud to see if they make sense/fit together.

Originality: 4/5
Again, I really like the idea. I even liked the little "twist" at the end with the lemon juice. You've got the basics down, but most of what you need to work on to make it work (ignoring the Setting issues for the moment) lies in the realm of characterization. Try to envision the scene in your head, "seeing" the characters and their dialogue. That might help make their interactions a bit easier to visualize, as well as more realistic.

Total: 14/25

Final Thoughts:

It's a good idea, and would make a good fic if there weren't so many things that made it…not. I like the idea, and you can definitely make something of it, but there's a lot more work that needs to be put in before it's fully enjoyable.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Recommended?: Nah.

Best of luck!
Golden Vision
>> No. 103390
File 133756715454.png - (162.46KB , 450x450 , Colgate_id.png )
103390
>>102560
Welp, have a review! I'm just taking a look at the prologue, mainly (for commentary), though I will look at the whole thing for general thoughts.

—————————————————————————

>>The noises of the city outside had yet to begin, the staccato clop of taxi carriages, the voices of strolling passerby that would cast shadows on the surfaces within as they passed over the storefront. But for now, silence reigned in a place it had not held sway in nearly eighty years. That was how long ago her grandfather, Varnish Whitewood, having just arrived in this city, had wound up the massive grandfather clock that rested against the wall now, covered in protective cellophane and bubblewrap, for the first time. That clock had been the first of many, as Whitewood Carpentry and Clockwork had become one of the premier businesses on 47th and Maple Boulevard here in Canterlot. Years later her father would inherit the family business, and at last she from him just under five years ago. Whitewood Co. had weathered the lumber crisis of 1966 that led to the rapid colonization of the Mild West, the credit crunch of '88, and had been delivered into Minuette's hands a strong and profitable company with a broad clientele.
Wow. This is an impressive…

…I'm not quite sure if I should say "infodump" or whatever. What I do know is that, as an intro, it sticks out like a sore thumb. It's blocky, it's dense, and it's hard to get through. You're throwing all this stuff on us—scenic description, current events, current events—without even giving us a moment to breathe. Not exactly the best way to start things off.

Oh, and:
>>The noises of the city outside had yet to begin, the staccato clop of taxi carriages, the voices of strolling passerby that would cast shadows on the surfaces within as they passed over the storefront.
Is not a sentence. This is:
>>The noises of the city outside had yet to begin—the staccato clop of taxi carriages would come, with the voices of strolling passerby that would cast shadows on the surfaces within as they passed over the storefront.

It's still very wordy and cluttered, but at least this way it's grammatically correct.

>>It's not like it had happened without warning. After the credit crunch, a lot of mom and pop businesses had gone under, leaving only the biggest conglomerates still standing and profitable, giants like Sunflower Sandwiches, Bridle Bath and Beyond, Cropco (Whipping prices till they behave!) and others had crushed all opposition as a more frugal consumer population demanded convenience and variety at low cost. Nopony wanted to wait weeks from someone like Minuette to hand craft them a clock or table, and pay hundreds of bits.
Okay, no. Stop it with the family history thing. We don't need to know this—not in this form. Expodumping through dialogue is your friend.

(I actually could deal with this if it was done—very well, might I add—as an introspective monologue, but it's awkwardly placed and still very blocky. I need a better feel for Minuette as a character, and so far, she just seems to be raging at things).

>>This was a conversation Minuette had with herself many times, when she wanted to stave off her guilt, and it was all true.
Good for her. Unfortunately, I'm not emotionally invested—go take your sob story somewhere else, silly pony—and so I don't really care.

>>Minuette sat on her haunches and curled up in a ball, laying her head on a rolled up rug, some of the boxes around her were labeled "keep" but many, along with most of the furniture was labeled "auction."
You're putting too much—or too little—description into this chapter. I really have no idea where Minuette is, what's going on, what the significance of the scene is, what the scene even looks like; etc, etc. This is also not a sentence; it should be: "…laying her head on a rolled-up rug. Some of the boxes…"

>>In the uncharacteristic quiet it was easy to hear the door chime.
Okay, I'm stopping you here. I've got to be several hundred words in, and just now am I getting something that's actually happening. You're taking far too long to actually start the scene—a single paragraph would do in setting it up, description and perhaps tone-wise—and the amount of backstory you're slamming into our faces in the first five minutes is just ridiculous. If you really feel you need this, then make your story first person PoV to increase the personal tone (though it's still too much). Otherwise, cut it.

>>not really feeling up to visitors.
Show, Don't Tell. If you had done a good enough job of describing Minuette's character, then we should be able to know this without you explicitly saying it.

I'd also like to add that I'm…halfway (?) through the Prologue, and I still have no idea of the plot. That's not good.

>>Colgate, there was very little you could have done.
Oh, boo-boo. Too bad. Too bad, that is, that I have no idea of what Colgate's problem is, that I don't care for either her or Moondancer as characters, and that I still have no idea in bleeding' hell what is going on.

Also, was it really necessary to curse right above here? Saying "messed up" would work just as well, methinks.

>>Selling the store will net you a tremendous hunk of cash.
BODY LANGUAGE WOULD BE NICE IN THIS HUGE HUNK OF DIALOGUE

I'm just wondering here…why does Moondancer talk to herself so much? Seriously.

Also, by the way (Chapter 1):
>>Ponies, indeed all life in the world, had begun ages ago in the sea, and this felt like a return to the beginning, the blank slate of being before time was counted and things like civilization and all its inherent sufferings had arisen to coat ponies every day in the accumulated filth of toil and regret and missed chances.
PURPLE PROOOOOOOOOSE.

———————————————————————

Characters: 2/5
I wish I could say your characters were interesting, but they really…weren't. I couldn't find anything bad, per se, but there was really nothing consistent or interesting enough about the characters' personalities that drew me into the story. I wanted to see more of Minuette bonding with local ponies, and less of her doing the shopping (just an example). There was a huge amount of …description(?) in the beginning that was a huge opportunity to let me see her characterization, but instead I got a lot of apparently useless backstory. Give your characters depth; give them something interesting. I thought that the scene with Berry was interesting, for example, but I didn't get enough of a feel of who Colgate was, what she wanted, and where she was going throughout your fic.

Plot: 1.5/5
For 90% of your fic, I had no real idea of what was going on. I could say it was Slice-Of-Life, but what I saw didn't reveal much of your character's life or her personality. I could say it was Romance, but literally the only thing that hinted at it was that one tiny scene with Berry, thus far a bit-character with no followup. It might have been Comedy, but the most I saw was that one bit with Ruby and the spider which, while humorous, seemed somewhat out of place. What you need to do is trash all the extra description (just wait for Setting) and give us a clear idea of where you're going with this, and what you want to do with both the characters and the place that they're in.

Setting: 1/5
I was tempted to give this a slightly higher score, but I really couldn't. The reasoning is simple: There can, in fact, be too much of a good thing. You had some issues with SDT, body language, and so on for parts of this, but your biggest issue was easily your purple prose. Here's a simple definition:

>Prose that is too elaborate or ornate.

You easily fell into this all across the board. From unnecessary introspection to pointless backstory-related meandering, to Pondering Out Navels (metaphysical thoughts in the bathtub? Really?), this was really bad. By giving us so much effectively meaningless description, you block out all parts of your writing that essentially make up your story. I couldn't get into your fic far enough to feel as though I were actually reading a narrative. And that's a big problem.

Mechanics: 3/5
You were mainly fine, but there were far too many cluttered sentences, awkward word structures, and run-ons/not-sentences that just didn't work. You need to learn when to use a comma and when to just make a new sentence.

Originality: 2/5
I like the idea of exploring Colgate as a character, but I never really felt the impact or purpose of this story. It lacked direction as well as conviction. You need to decide what you're doing with this, and what makes your ideas unique. Otherwise, you've got a general jumble of ideas that don't really do much.

Total: 9.5/25

Final Thoughts:
This fic really suffered from a lack of immersion, and a lack of enjoyability. Ultimately, the biggest problem was that I couldn't see why I was reading it. If your aim was to lay out Colgate's basic economic situation and her daily to-do list, then I guess you did a good job. But what I really wanted was a story, and that wasn't what I got.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Suggested?: Probably

Best of luck,
Golden Vision
>> No. 103408
>>103390

Thank you for taking the time to look through it. Some of the things you brought up mirror my own concerns.
>> No. 103432
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103432
>>103314

Well, thank you kindly for taking your time to review through my fic.
I think I understand my problem with the SDT issue, I've been told before about it.
Anyway, thanks again for reviewing my fic. I'll correct some of the things you pointed out and have it checked one last time.
>> No. 103471
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103471
>>102583
>>Inside the giant tree that served as the Ponyville library, the first rays of Princess Celestia’s sun were streaming onto the bed that held a sleeping lavender pony.
The most that I can say about your opening is that it's...uninteresting. This is one of the few times where LUS is legitimately okay to use, so I'm not complaining about that, but you start off with an overly-long description and what amounts to a weather report. I think you could gain a lot by just cutting this down and making it more concise as an intro—describe only what's needed.

>>As the sluggish pony's
Okay, HERE is where you're not allowed to use LUS. Stoppit NAO.

>>The reason for pinching herself was because the litter critter on the pillow bore a remarkable appearance to the unicorn looking down on it.
Either give us this directly from Twilight's PoV, or don't at all, because this is very much Telling. A short description of the blob's physical features would work just as well, just so long as you made the resemblance and Twilight's surprise obvious.

>>and it seemed to have all the characteristics Twilight did
This is just lazy. Give us the specific description, please; otherwise, you're just wasting your breath.

>> With an inquisitive hoof
A hoof cannot be inquisitive. A poke may be, perhaps, but not a physical object.

>>causing the serial poker to inch backwards
I know you're going for humor, but this is both LUS and an instance where you're giving an action without necessarily linking it to a character's mental state. For all I know, she was "inching backwards" to go get the welcome mat for this newcomer. Characterize Twilight further, please.

>>the same color as the eyes of the larger version of itself. 
This is a really awkward and badly-worded sentence.

>>“I’m a pony, just like you.  In fact, you’re me, just bigger.”
>>“No, you’re me, just smaller.”
Body language is a beautiful thing, really. Use more of it—the only instance in which you have naked dialogue should be in an instantaneous back-and-forth exchange, like an argument.

>>its annoyed expression doing nothing but causing Twilight to smile at the cute little thing
"and Twilight smiled at its annoyed, yet horribly cute, expression."

You need to go over your sentences more, because you have quite a few (like this one) that are just badly worded and awkward to read.

>>Blob Twilight, as Twilight had begun to call it, nodded.  At least, she nodded
Consistency of pronouns is key. Either the blob is an "it" or a "she"—pick one.

>>nearly causing Twilight to squee in delight at its cute face.  She had a huge grin on her face
Try not to repeat words, such as "face" here, especially in much the same context. Variation in diction is ideal for stories.

>> How to Spot a Macguffin,
Please no meta-ing; really. It turns the reader off and begins a complete suspension of disbelief.

>>hyperactive pink pony waiting for Twilight
Sweet Celestia, fimfiction, would have you done with the formatting of this poor sentence?

>>HeyTwilighthaveyougottenyourownclonecauseIsurehaveand-
There's really no need to format Pinkie's speech like this, especially because it messes up the previous line so much. Just put it as a long, unbroken line of normal text.

>>and let out a prolonged ‘d’awww.’
This is in the same species as facepalming and sweatdropping: a fan-made title that nevertheless ought never be used in a narrative.

>>wilight noticed the top of Pinkie’s head ruffle, and apparently putting chubbies on your head was a thing now as a small figure stood out among Pinkie’s cotton candy like mane. 
This reads more like dialogue or a legitimate internal dialogue than actual narrative. It's also just awkward—it seems to be two or three sentences crammed into one.

>>“Oh, great idea, little me!”
Who's saying this? Make it clear.

>>“It’s not as strange as you guys not being aware of the readers.”
I'm tempted to allow you this meta-reference, due to the actual premise of the story, but I'm putting my foot down on it to prevent it from setting precedent. Unless Pinkie's fourth-wall knowledge is specifically relevant to this fic, then don't have this in here.

>>“I wonder who else has a chubbie…”  
I've said this before, but I'll say it again: BODY LANGUAGE.

>>>>Chapter Two<<<

>>Everypony that Twilight came across asked her about her counterpart, each wondering where she had come from and what she was.  Twilight did her best to inform them about the situation, but without knowing what was going on herself, she only left them with more questions than answers.
Give us these scenes, or have this line GTFO. Seriously.

>>Twilight herself was going over countless scenarios in her head, each one more ridiculous the last in an attempt to find a reason as to why she had woken up with a smaller version of herself sleeping on her head.
Likewise, give us these thoughts and scenarios, or GTFO. This is bad Telling, and it serves no purpose to the reader.

>>Well, do you at least have any idea why my, what did you call them, chubbie?
Use em-dashes, not commas, and then merge this with the following sentence to avoid awkwardness.

>>egg headed
Eggheaded

>>Rainbow, we have a lot bigger things to worry about than some silly race.  Besides, since you’re the smaller one, you should be more aerodynamic and with less mass, you should have been going faster than Biggie Rainbow.
It isn't necessarily true, considering that the chubbies seem quite spherical; not the most aerodynamic of shapes.

>>So Twilight, or should I say Twilights, what’s going on around here?
Again, learn to use em-dashes. In case you don't already know, here's the correction you should make:

>So Twilight—or should I say Twilights?—what's going on here?"

I'd actually suggest splitting it up into two sentences, with body language linking it:

>So Twilight," Rainbow Dash said. She put a hoof on her chin, frowning. "Or should I say 'Twilights'?" She shrugged and shook her head. "Whatever. What's going on here?"

This much better reflects how people actually speak, and also gives us a better impression of the actual scene and characters present.

>>“So, I think this whole situation has something to do with the fact that we’re the Elements!” 
Not necessarily. Due to them all being close friends, there are any number of situations where they could have this happen due to it happening just to those six ponies who would likely be together. This isn't obvious, and in fact is OOC for character to make such a logical leap.

>>was suddenly wrapped in a purple light, and the ponies outside looked back to see one very angry little Twilight, her horn shining with purple light
Repetition of "purple light".

>>The chubbie was so heart stoppingly adorable that Twilight was overcome with the cuteness, and the only thing she could was pass out, lest her mind be overwhelmed by the sight of the small yellow pony that was blushing and hiding from her.
Awkward and run-on sentence.

>>“Oh my...”
This isn't the most eye-catching conclusion. A conclusion leaves you wanting more (or should), while only feels "meh", like you decided to stop writing her for some reason.

————————————————————————————

Characters: 3.5/5
I liked the ways you portrayed the character, insofar as how you had them interact and go about their lives. Each's diction felt very in-tune as well, which was nice. However, I'd suggest that you put some more effort into making the chubbier fundamentally different (or at least superficially so) from their real-world counterparts. At times, I felt there was no real difference in the dialogue or actual actions throughout; I felt it might as well have been one Applejack, or one Twilight, talking.

Plot: 3/5
I like the idea, per se, but I didn't really feel much of a story. It's nice, and I like the start, but there's a lot more meat that I'd need if I wanted to really sink my teeth into this story. If you're planning on moving into an epic plot or feel, then you should do more in that regard. I did like the way you somewhat subtly proposed the idea that it had been some form of sabotage to get the EoH chubbier to leave their world, but as I said above, it felt forced and plot-holey, and didn't set up the plot more than a vague "evilness is afoot" vibe. Just to toss out ideas: perhaps there's some known evil in the chubbier' world that makes it noticeably different from the normal Equestria? Think weekly recurring villain in a Saturday morning cartoon. It's really up to you, but like I said, you need more to keep us engaged with your plot and overarching ideas. I'd even suggest merging Chapters One and Two together (and then adding more on at the end) in order to get to a point that naturally ties the segment together while still leaving the reader wanting more.

Setting: 2/5
Issues with SDT, LUS, and narrative flow abounded. See above for specific examples—one way I think you could improve this would be by giving us a more insightful PoV with Twilight's mind, instead of this vaguely third-person angle that you seem to be going for.

Mechanics: 2.5/5
Cluttered, awkward sentences, a lack of understanding of the comma and em-dash, as well as some spelling or diction-related errors, didn't do you many favors. Try another proofread of this before resubmitting it anywhere—I certainly didn't note (or notice) every instance of a certain issue or mistake.

Originality: 3.5/5
I'm giving you this score because I'm cautiously optimistic. I think you did a very good job in describing the chubbier (I will admit that I gave a squee once or twice), but I wonder how well you'll be able to make the transition to a more serious fic (if you choose to do so at all). It was ultimately enjoyable, at least in terms of the short portion with which I was provided, so that was nice. Really, though, you'll need to do more to make this feel like the second part of your synopsis as much as your first before I can even think of giving this a 5/5.

Total: 14.5/25

Final Thoughts:

I said this before, and I'll say it again: it was enjoyable enough. When I got to the end of what you had posted, though, I kind of wondered for a second: "What was the point in me reading that?" And putting aside all of your issues with SDT, plot holes, and other stuff, that's one of your biggest issues. You need to make me really feel like this is doing what it's promised—that's it's chubbier, but in a more serious and intriguing setting. Maybe it comes later. Maybe. But in the meantime, that's my take on it.

Ready for EqD?: Nope
Rewrite Recommended?: Not really

Best of luck,
Golden Vision

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My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 103480
>>103471
Thanks for the review, it really helped to point out the flaws I didn't see on my own. I'll get to work on revising and editing it, and I'll probably request another review on an updated version in a few days.
>> No. 103502
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103502
Hi there! My first thing to say is that, sadly, I can't really do much to help with your fic, for the simple reason that it isn't really a fic. I'm sure that there's an audience for this form of prose, but I'm definitely not experienced enough to help you with it fully.

That being said, there are a few things that I noted felt off.

First, tense consistency. Past or present—pick one, and stick to it. Anything else is confusing and/or lazy.

Secondly...keep consistent in terms of what you're writing. Are you writing philosophical retrospection, or Dash's reflection on her backstory? Stay consistent, again, with your tone and theme throughout—don't switch every two paragraphs.

And thirdly...don't use first-person tense ("we"). It's weird and doesn't work.

I can't really think of much else to say, especially content-wise. Like I said, I don't doubt that this would have an audience, but there's no real "story" here to be had. I wish you the best of luck, though!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 103503
>>102751
Hi there! I'm sorry for taking so long to tell you this, but I probably can't edit your fic. As it's epic-style prose (far, far from my forté), I have little to no experience with this form of writing. To be honest, my only knowledge of this comes from ninth grade English, which I would rather forget. Perhaps you'll do better by posting it in the TTG and making clear its unique format?

Best,
Golden Vision
>> No. 103542
>>103503
I understand. Thanks for looking at it anyway. I'm pretty new to /fic/, so I'm not sure what TTG stands for. If someone could point me in the right direction, I'd much appreciate it.
>> No. 103545
>>103542
TTG is The Training Grounds: >>103159
>> No. 103551
I know this is long, but all I've been told by the EqD people is terms (and I don't know where they apply).

Title: Ponies in Space
Author Name: Saphroneth
Tags: Sci fi, adventure?
Characters: Mane 6, Trixie, Mac, Spike and Derpy are the main ones.
Synopsis: Fusion fic with military sci fi standard tropes, emphasis on David Weber's work. Has Admiral Sparkle's first fleet command and their first mission.
Length: 40K +.

Again, I know it's long, but this isn't especially urgent.

Fimfiction version: (Warning, block formatting - will fix when I upload the next version) http://www.fimfiction.net/story/12593/Ponies-in-Space
Fanfiction.net version: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7769439/1/Ponies_in_space
Google Docs version (also includes otherwise unpublished chapter): https://docs.google.com/document/d/1msm533miRIICdxZYSg7vK6mEVn-c3aBmTTsZ81A8fcM/edit
DA version (.pdf): http://saphroneth.deviantart.com/gallery/37159718

If you want, I can send your fanfiction.net profile a version on there ( x docs, I think it is?).
My blog on FIMFiction contains the current state with regard to Equestria Daily - I admit to being confused by some of the terms being used.

Hope the length isn't an insurmountable problem. Looking forward to hearing from you, one way or the other.
>> No. 103569
>>102528

Thank you kindly for your time. I sat back to think about it for a while, as you suggested, then decided to rewrite the first chapter from scratch. I came to see that it really could have been better and wasn't the best of introductions to the story I'm trying to tell.

If you would be willing to take another look at it, I'd be most grateful. I'd like to know if I've actually improved it or not.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/20375/1/Wings-of-Tomorrow-~-Lament-of-the-World/1.-Adrift-in-time
>> No. 103801
Hey, I got a quick question.
In Rarity's Bad Mane Day, did Rarity feel OoC? Because that's what the pre-reader told me. He said she was OoC because after Sisterhooves Social she learned not to ignore Sweetie again.
Is that a valid reason? I mean, is Rarity supposed to be glued and care about everything Sweetie does all the time?
>> No. 103802
>>103801
From his review:
> there was definitely a consistent problem with keeping characters both IC and consistent
>> No. 103807
>>103801
Hi there! I'm going to hijack my thread for a bit, and then reply to your question.

PSA: To put it simply, THE QUEUE IS NOW CLOSED.

As you may have noticed, this thread has nearly reached 400 posts. As such, it will soon autosage. I therefore request that nobody post in this thread until I have finished the last 3-4 fics in my queue. No new submissions will be accepted, nor will any comments be replied to. I will re-open the queue once I have opened a new thread. In the meantime, you can reach me at my email [email protected]

And now, onto the response!

>>did Rarity feel OoC?
Yes, she did. But not in the manner that your prereader and >>103802 seemed to be referencing. While I will admit that it seems odd that Rarity would forget her Aesop so easily, I'm a sucker for slice of life stories, so I see no problem with Sweetie pulling that little trick just one time. The major problem was, as I think I said, to do with Rarity overreacting and actually threatening graphic violence toward Sweetie, which was a no-no. So don't overdramatize things just to make it look like there's additional conflict in the story.

-Golden Vision
>> No. 103813
AGAIN: THE QUEUE AND THREAD ARE STILL CLOSED. SEE >>103807 FOR MORE INFORMATION.

Review time!

>>103055
Eurgh. I know you said you'd revised this, but really—all I can see is every single mistake that you made last time, redone here. SDT, LUS, no scene-setup, unsympathetic/flat characters, and plot devices abound. Forced plot is forced; etc.

I really feel like you didn't do much with this at all, besides rewriting the scenes a bit. To try and give you some ideas, here's one way you might do this (though far from what you should actually do, seeing as should you take my suggestions fully, then you'd be doing yourself a disservice as an autonomous author).

>Chrysalis is scattered away from her people
>Changelings are lost and isolated, and a few come together with their Queen
>Chrysalis decides to again try and infiltrate Equestria, sending a few of her changeling spies to wander around.
>This time, she stays in the backwater towns, far away from Canterlot and never making any overt movements.
>One day she meets Trixie, and is entertained so much that she just decides to travel with her (without showing herself)m and the fic's interplay takes off.
>Eventually, Chrysalis decides she likes travelling this way, and manages to take small nibbles of Love here and there, but is confronted by something that forces her to reveal her identity to someone (Trixie?).

There. I've gotten rid of the harsh/plot device!Celestia/Luna angle, made the premise much more believable, and added the chance for a much greater depth and development of character, especially on Chrysalis's part. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough in saying that I needed the whole thing, including the premise, revised in my last review, and if that's the case, then I apologize.

There is still no excuse for missing all the Setting, Mechanical, and Stylistic things that I suggested last time, though.

So yeah. Unless you do a major, and frankly more believable, reconstruction of this fic, I won't be taking another look at it. Take at least a good week or two to think about what you really want to accomplish with this fic, and then take your time in fixing and rebuilding it in order to get there.

Best of luck,
Golden Vision
>> No. 103843
File 133792192327.jpg - (10.01KB , 251x200 , sad rarity.jpg )
103843
>>103813
Thanks for the help. In truth I'm planning on dropping the project entirely. Its lost a lot of luster and the more I look at it the more I realize how badly it doesn't need to happen. In all honesty the only reason I really wrote a second draft was to convince myself I didn't waste my time on such a pathetic idea. Maybe I'll come back to it, but for now it hits the recycle bin.
>> No. 104044
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104044
>>103158
Hi there! I'm sorry for leaving your fic be for so long, but at least I finally got around to it.

—Whoa. Pull up a chair, because we have a lot to get through.

As always, comments are on the GDoc.

——————————————

Characters: 1/5
This was bad. Like, really really bad. Most of my objections are in the comments, but Pinkie's complete obliviousness and the lack of any other characterization made this completely uninteresting as a character fic. I didn't care about Pinkie, most especially because I found her completely OOC and flat out irritating to read about. Not a single pony (or monster) in this fic felt like a real character to me: they were either flat, or caricatures of themselves.

Plot: 1.5/5
I'd give you a one out of five, but I have to recognize that this would at least be the kind of cracky plot that might do well on, say, fimfiction were it extraordinarily well-written. Unfortunately for you, it isn't. The scenes unfold in a very clunky way, with bad, choppy pacing abounding. You skip over some scenes entirely even as you tell us in advance what will happen during a different scene, and then giving us that scene anyway. Often, your narrative reads more like a list than any really story. I couldn't summon the interest to keep reading at times.

Setting: 1.5/5
I caught the occasional body language from time to time, and I guess that kind of saved you from a full one out of five. But this was nearly completely unreadable with the amounts of Telling (instead of Showing), the common lack of scene description, the choppiness and bizarre style/tone of the narrative…yeah. It was really quite painful to read this, I'm sorry to say.

Mechanics: 3/5
You know how to spell, so there's that. However, I caught quite a few pieces of tense confusion, typos, and just awkward sentence structure. I'm counting the fact that you stopped even trying to make the song rhyme about a third of the way in as part of this as well, because you clearly set up the rhyme as part of the poetic structure, and then just forgot about it. The song was actually one of the few bearable parts I could find, though it still grated on me.

Originality: 1/5
Like other fics, this falls more under Impact than Originality, but I'm looking at your AN, and I'm guessing that you took most of the episode completely from the Grim Adventures storyline that this is apparently based on. Judging by the fact that Pinkie seems to be Billie (from what little I know of his character) given a pink pony skin, and not actually Pinkie, I'm in great doubt as to how much you actually bothered to do on your own with this. Additionally, the fact that much of Fluttershy's speech at the end was just the Dragonshy monologue with some of the words exchanged put me off quite a bit.

Total: 8/25

Final Thoughts:
I've said this before, and I'll say it again (though I feel terrible for saying it):

This was bad. Really bad.

Literally the only thing you could have done worse with this was misspelling every other word and ignoring the general conventions of grammar. Storywise, this was pretty much the bottom of the barrel. It definitely wasn't enjoyable, and I wanted to punch Pinkie more than I wanted to laugh at (with?) her. I'd do my normal thing on how I'll be happy to review this for you if you revise this, but I'm really, really unsure of how you would go about rewriting this in the first page, especially given how restrictive the source material/base content seems to be.

So…yeah. That's about it, I'm afraid.

Ready for EqD?: Very much no.
Rewrite Recommended?: Very much yes (if you can pull it off, which I'd like to see).

Best of luck in your future writing,
Golden Vision
>> No. 104046
File 133805975020.png - (264.40KB , 550x317 , Review 2.png )
104046
>>103551
I type this as I'm listening to "The Doctor Forever" on Youtube. It really is quite strange, knowing that this will be my last review on this thread. Very well, then—allons-y!

Comments are on the GDoc, as per usual.

————————————————

Character: 2.5/5
Agh. I really, really liked how you made the ponies into their own, interesting creatures, with cool backstories and such to match. I even liked the Twilight/Trixie reunion. My worst problem was that, once you'd introduced each character, they just faded. There was no depth of character, no expansion of thought or feeling. They were just…kind of there. I guess the overall effect was like watching the bridge of the Enterprise on an episode of Star Trek—lots of cool characters, but if this episode's not about you, then the most you're going to do is shout "We can't go any faster, cap'n!" And that kind of turned me off.

Plot: 1/5
It's not that I didn't like the plot.

It's that there wasn't one.

You kind of hinted at something happening around 7k words in (coincidentally, just before I stopped reading), but before that, literally nothing was going on. I actually would have stopped reading earlier had I noticed what was going on. By the time I took a second to think about what I read, I couldn't recall anything. The writing was incredibly dry; nothing stood out as important or dramatic. My eyes tended to skim over whole pages once it became clear that this was just Jargon/Infogump #12, and that I obviously didn't need to read. Nothing was happening, so why bother?

This problem coincides with Characters—if the characters aren't doing anything, then of course nothing's going to happen. Of course I'm going to skim over the whole scene. Stories are driven by conflict and by emotion, and so far, I'm not seeing much here but empty dialogue and scene description.

Setting: 2/5
You did some really bad Expodumping throughout (though there was one time when I liked what you did—as I said before, it was the Trixie/Twilight reunion scene). There was also a huge absence of body language, which made much of your dialogue incomprehensible.

Mechanics: 2.5/5
There were two major problems with this, I noticed: general typos and grammar issues (especially with dialogue punctuation, which I noticed throughout), and awkward wording/sentences that weren't. You need to proofread your own work and make sure that what you've written actually comprises a sentence. Otherwise, it's incomplete, and grammatically incorrect.

Originality: 2/5
Superficially, I actually could have enjoyed this story. It certainly wasn't painful to read, or otherwise horrible. There was just no substance to it whatsoever. I think it was a combination of the setting (and associated exposition), huge armada of characters (seriously), and all the irritating jargon that did you in. Those are all huge issues that need to be worked out before you can think of resubmitting this. A simpler story, while smaller in scope, can be a lot tighter in terms of characters, plot, and pacing. Take a look at this from that angle and try rewriting.

Total: 10/25

Final Thoughts:

I see this fic ending up as two possible things. The first, lost and abandoned, given up on because nobody who's read (and enjoyed) the source material's content and style can actually get through this.

The second? An enjoyable epic that takes our favorite characters through a colorful romp through space-time in the style of the best that Star Trek and SG-1 have to offer.

Now, I see absolutely no hint of the second thus far—at the moment, I'm just offering that as a possibility due to the endpoint of this genre. But I know that if anybody—yourself included—puts in the necessary thought and effort, then that golden possibility might just be attainable.

It's something to think about.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite Recommended?: For the most part.

And with that, my current queue is cleared and closed off. Best of luck to you, dear author, and I hope to see you again in the future!
Golden Vision
>> No. 104047
File 133805978735.png - (353.95KB , 809x1174 , Review 3.png )
104047
And thus ends the First Thread of Golden Vision's Review.

It's been quite the fun ride. I've been introduced to genres that I barely even knew existed, met characters that I've never even thought about, and just had a great romp around the world of fan fiction. I've met new writers, old writers, and made some friends in the process. I know for a fact that my own skills as a writer and reviewer have developed and improved in the course of this thread, and I'd like to thank /fic/ and Ponychan for giving me and everyone else this wonderful opportunity.

But enough of that mushy crap. Let's crunch some numbers, shall we?

Fics Submitted: 76
Fics Rejected: 8
Number of Resubmissions (Recorded): 8
Total Number of Reviews: 60
Thread Lifetime: 4/6/12 - 5/26/12
Most Common Tag: Adventure (33)
Least Common Tag: Grimdark (2)
Average Score: 12/25 (Rounded)

Please note that these probably aren't the exact values. I was too lazy to go through everything, and just did a few CMD-F functions to get a guestimate. Still, I'd guess that it's pretty accurate.

So where do we go from here? Well, my queue is now closed and cleared, and I'd say it's past time to move to a new one. I shall be opening up a new thread, Golden Vision Reviews II, by sometime either tonight or tomorrow, but in the meantime, I'll be giving myself a bit of a breather.

Again, it's been a great ride, guys, and I hope to Celestia that it'll just keep getting better. Look for my new thread in a day or so—I'll see you there.

Best to all,
Golden Vision
>> No. 104074
>>104044
Can't say I didn't see this coming,but ouch! Oh well, constructive criticism is always nice in its own way, even if your words sting like lemon juice in a bullet wound.

The one issue I had with it was when you said that a part of the song didn't rhyme, and then you blamed me for that. Those are the actual lyrics of the song in the episode. Not my writing there.

Well, thanks anyway. No, you probably won't see a re-write. If this story didn't get as much popularity as my first one did by now, then there's really no point in a do-over.
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>> No. 131021
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>> No. 131350
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