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95560 No. 95560
Hello, Ponychan! My name is Golden Vision, and I will be your reviewer for this evening. Please keep all hooves inside the car at all times, and remember no flash photography- that's plagiarism, and Twilight will send you straight to Tartarus for that. In the meantime, would you like some cider with your daisy sandwich? Yes, yes, very nice...

So! Welcome to my review thread! I'm an author on both fanfiction.net (Sage of Seals) and fimfiction.net (Golden Vision), and like to pride myself as an editor of sorts, both on the nets and off. I will gladly preview and comment on your stories, as well as give full reviews that I will lavish with love and care. Please note that I will almost never dismiss anything out of hand. Moreover, being an author myself, I tend toward sympathy for the writer rather than harsh criticism.

I have a few preferences and requirements, listed below:

1) Please put the following tags in your post, for each story that you want me to review:
Author Name:

2.) I will accept nearly any genre; however, some things that I will not accept include gore, most grimdark, heavy shipping, human in Equestria, and of course, the infamous clopfic. I will occasionally accept OC stories and those fics where shipping isn't the complete focus of the story, but realize that my abilities and knowledge of such fics may be limited and imperfect at times.

3.) The preferred length for any submitted fanfiction is under three chapters, or between 1k and 6-7k words. Asking me to read any more is generally useless as I will likely be able to get a fairly good idea of any writing/style issues fairly quickly. I will gladly re-review something if my suggested edits are made, but keep in mind that I am not your beta-reader; I am here to get you started, and that's all.

4.)If you submit a fic to me in this thread, feel free to spam me about it to my email [email protected] You can be assured that, unless I somehow lose power, I will get to your fic within the day- if not sooner.

Now come along, grab your towel and bananas, and let's go review some fanfiction! I eagerly await your submissions!
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 95561
Do not forget, the training grounds is the beacon that brings them.

Aid it when able.
>> No. 95562
Indeed! I've thus far done three reviews on The Training Grounds. Feel free to check them out if you would like a taste of my review style.
>> No. 95567
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Welcome aboard.
>> No. 95569
Thank you for the welcome! I'm sure those fanfics are going to come rolling in soon enough!

...Any minute now.
>> No. 95570
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Looking good so far. *friendly promotion*
>> No. 95572
I'd put my fic up, but I'm already in a few queues. Best of luck to ya! I'll post my next chapter when it's written.
>> No. 95575
I'd post my fic, but it's already been through a totally excessive amount of reviewers and is EQD bound once I get a cover pic done.

All the same, I'm always looking to improve, and you're not busy. Have a look. It's short-- under 6000 words for now.

>> No. 95576
Derp. Here it is in proper format.

The 6th Age
Pretty much all OCs, except not. You'll see. I really don't know how to fill this field.

Ivory spires that put to shame the mountain they're grafted to. Thousands of lives perched on a slab of iron bolted to the side of a big rock. An artificial sun doin' its best to warm the deep shadows underneath a city on a plate, and way down where your hooves can touch the pavement, you're denied even that. This, all of this, is New Canterlot. This place is everythin' you ever dreamed of, and everythin' you ever feared. For what it's worth, good luck out there, chummer. I think you're gonna need it.
Length: ~5500 words
>> No. 95588
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Hello there, and thank you for submitting your fic! Hopefully my review will be up to par with the others that you've thus far received.


*Excellent tone and diction for creating Chaser's personality. I really feel like I know her already, and I've only read the prologue.
*I was amused at how you translated "human" expletives into pony form- "mudfucker" being one notable example.
*Well-developed and interesting world. I feel like this is some kind of crossover with Shadowrun, James Bond, and Ocean's Eleven. What's more, you did that while barely giving any obvious exposition. Kudos!

I actually...don't have anything to say here. When you said this was edited well enough to head to EqD, you meant it! Perhaps I shall find something to pick apart in a later chapter.

Notable Excerpts:
>>Stars. She needed to make it through this so that she could see those stars after all.
>>Whatever. Eight K for an easy job was worth taking a bullet straight to the flank.


Chapter 1

Quick note: Where you were going with this, and the significance of your "Kind of OCs, but not really" hit me as soon as I finished reading the intro here- very well done indeed! *claps* Now, back to reading...

>>standing and greeting herself in the mirror the morning before a dressed event was a long-standing habit that she’d never had reason to break.
Usually, I thoroughly disapprove of describing a character in as much detail as you did, but in this case, it was well justified and introduced. Just a nitpick is that you might want to reconsider including *that* much information (i.e. eye color, etc), which may not be strictly necessary. She's wearing a business suit? Interesting. Violet eyes? Not so much.

((Although at least you didn't say "orbs".))

>>Putting on the appearance of a well-read professional was as important as actually being one when it came to the kinds of ponies who would be attending her special lecture today.
I thought that this was very well-written, in that it gave us a sort of insight into how Daybreak's mind works- and, by virtue of my own meta-predictions, how she differs from Twilight.

**I also liked how the presentation flowed, in narrative terms. You did a very good job on illuminating both Twilight's personality and the perspective of the setting just through that sequence alone.

>>“Wha-- who’s th-- Arrrgh--”
I found this bit awkward, if only in reading it. Perhaps you might want to replace "Arrgh" with a description of the sound effect, as well as finish "who's there?", if only to make the words flow more easily.

>>Today, tens of thousands lived atop a “shelf” bolted to the side of Mount Harmony and supported by massive stilts.
I'd recommend changing this to "...Mount Harmony, [which was] supported by massive stilts."

>>The wind whistled between glassy skyscrapers that reflected the golden morning sun painfully into pedestrians’ eyes,
The flow and overall structure of this sentence is a bit strange. Might I suggest dividing it up into smaller segments, and adding a character perspective?

i.e. "The wind whistled through the streets. The city's glassy skyscrapers, towering above the roads, reflected the golden morning sun upon their windows, and Daybreak flinched back, shielding her eyes slightly."

>> She refused the call with a flick of her hoof. “However, these assumptions are from before the true age of the Tablet was determined.
It might be better if you started a new paragraph between these two sentences, if only to break up the narrative flow with a bit of a "breather" format.

>>Without leaving too much time for her students to dwell on this grim revelation, she concluded:
Again, start up a new paragraph here. New thought, new line.

>>field of magic-history
Magical history might slide off the tongue a bit better, here.

>>Or because they were up to no good somehow?
Hrm...not sure what to do with this, but the placement of "somehow" is just awkward for me. Perhaps add a comma before it- deleting it entirely would make the whole thing seem like an unfinished thought.

>>We now believe that all of these phenomena were related
To keep with the formal tone of the email, I'd recommend changing this to something like, "We now believe these phenomena to be related to…"

Notable Excerpts:
>>The world was entering a new age, but true harmony would not return so easily to a world that had forgotten the magic of friendship and built grand citadels attesting instead to the magic of circuitry and steel.
>>The idea would have seemed ridiculous to historians, of course-- if those same historians hadn't woken one morning with wings and horns that grew overnight."
>>Right or wrong, this was an opportunity to save her department, and she wouldn’t disappoint.

Chapter 3:

>>Her legs whirred as she crossed one in front of the other, leaning against the building's front wall in a cocky, slightly annoyed stance.
I really liked this whole bit, if only because it showed how Ironwood is both similar to (in terms of pride), and different from (in terms of situation) Applejack. Also, steampunk!

(And if you weren't referencing Full Metal Alchemist in the slightest with that "weapons" comment, then I shall send you to the moon. And rage. And eat bananas.)

>>The navy blue pony had a pair of coldly reflective cybereyes, a pure-black mane that sported an iridescent beetle-shell stripe, and a pair of wings that glistened with chromed implants.
I think I've said this before, but I'll say it again: you have a well-trained gift for prose. I really could see the implants and modifications shining in the light, just as you described them- at least in my mind.

>>Displays evidence of magic abilities
Again, you should probably just change this to "magical" abilities, which is usually the better and less awkward adjective to use.

>> For the fourth time, Daybreak checked the street address under Ironwood's file, and of course she saw, again, that she was right where she was supposed to be.
Divide this into two sentences. "Of course, once again, she saw that she was…"

>>“No,” Ironwood practically shouted.
I'm not sure why, but I felt kind of "eh" about this verb/speech combination. Italics usually work better for a low-pitch/low-volume emphasis. Perhaps she growled or snarled it instead?

**Just a REALLY bad nitpick, but you might want to end the third chapter's internal monologue with a stinger similar to that which opened the second chapter: "Now awaken, my most faithful student." As it is now, it just sort of…trails off.

Characters: 5/5
Plot: 5/5
Setting: 5/5
Mechanics: 5/5
Originality: 5/5
Total: 25/25

I really have nothing to say. Aside from those small things that I pointed out under "Cons," this really is a fanfic that fully deserves to get onto EqD. Excellent work, Tactical!Rainboom, and I look forward to tracking you on FiMFiction.

Best of luck with your future writing!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95589
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Title:The Tale Of Mix-And-Match
Tags:Adventure,Sad,Dark(not particularly grim just slight references to death and such)
Main Characters:Mix-And-Match,Discord,Trixie,Twilight Sparkle,Celestia,Luna,Trixie(past)
Synopsis: Twilight has received a mysterious note from a colt asking her to read a journal...as did Trixie. How are these two connected? who is Mix-And-Match? a mysterious plan is in the works that could mean the end for somepony...or maybe everypony...
Length: about 4200 words in chapter 1(the one I'm submitting for review)
>> No. 95591
Ack, Chapter 3 should be labeled Chapter 2. My mistake.
>> No. 95601
If you're going to review fics from TTG's queue, please make a claim post there so nobody duplicates your effort.

Welcome aboard!
>> No. 95602
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Hello there, GoodBronyGreg! Have some fanfic review!

**I especially liked the revelation that Mix and Discord were somehow related. It was fairly well pulled-off, in terms of the gradual reveal and (somewhat) Twilight's reaction


You have quite a few mechanical/structural issues, including (with notable examples):

>>the Royal equestrian library
The Royal Equestrian Library

Use commas to break up sentences
>>“What if it’s a trapTwilight?”
"What if it's a trap, Twilight?"

Overuse of commas
>>magically through Spike, yet, the only
…magically through spite, but the only…

Punctuation errors:
>>well she thought as she strode up the marble steps to the open and beautifully carved doors might as well finish if I’ve come this far
Well, she thought, striding up the marble steps. Might as well finish it…

New paragraphs
>>The entrance to the library was quite a sight to see.
((AKA start a new one here, as well in a few other places where you start a new thought.))

Inconsistent tense
>>You simply wrote down the title of the book

Formatting between "pauses," or areas between distinct segments
>>She figured that this was Mix-And -Match
Entry #1

Overuse of ellipses
>>the last of group C died today...so many bodies...
The last of Group C died today. We couldn't count all the bodies.
***Remember: ellipses are for dialogue. If you feel the need to include them in text (even- no, especially!- in journals), then just restructure the sentence completely.

Disrupting narrative flow:
Confound these ponies they drive me to drink!
***I realize this is meant to be a reference to the fandom, but it really only made me hit my head against the wall. References have their place- in Comedy fics. Not here.

M3ST-Style Writing
***I saw this throughout Twilight's reading of the journal. Something you might want to consider is to include a subset within the chapter of Twilight taking the journal home with her, unable to finish it all at once. Then, over the course of several weeks, staying up late at night, she's able to find out just who Mix-And-Match is. This way, you can show how she's actively reacting to and being influenced by the diary, instead of just idle thoughts as she reads along with us.

Severe Twilight OOC
>>Twilight giggled at the fact that the show boat and this seemingly nice filly shared name and appearance. She did feel bad for the Griffin, as it was a mindless killing.
My thoughts when I read this: ._.

Seriously, I'd expect Twilight to be throwing up in a sink while reading the gorier parts of the story at this point- instead, I 'm thrown out of the story- complete suspension of character relativity.

I realize the parallelism that you're trying to set up here, but it's very much just kind of…weird. Perhaps a similar name that nevertheless evokes a different image.

Utter Confusion/OC Suspicion
>>“Are you...are you the colt from the story?” she said more than half expecting him to reject the accusation.
I had two reactions upon reading this:

1.) "Wait…the heck? Who's this guy? How could he be from the story? I thought that was Discord, or some dead guy? AGH WHAT IS THIS IT'S OUT OF NOWHERE ._."
***Suggestion: Have Twilight notice a shape observing here as she reaches the climactic points in her reading of the journal, and then have her confront him, with Twilight forcing the- preferably completely shocking- reveal.
2.) "Ye Celestia, no…it's an OC! Please don't let him be angsty D:"
As I didn't really get a good feel for your OC (see Characters rating below), I will have to link you to this site, just to make sure that you know what you're doing: http://www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm Not that I'm suggesting anything, but you can never be too sure.

Awkward OldSpeke vs. Normal English
>> “So, fair-I mean, my sister what bringist thou-brings you to my room? Shouldn’t you be in the court or something?
***I believe the subtitle says it all.

Typos Galore
>>you’re speaking skills
If I stabbed a writer every time that one did this, then I would be the Most-Wanted Homicidal Maniac in the world. I believe the subtitle is self-explanatory


Plot Confusion (wut)
>>“I’m going to set right what I did eons ago” he said looking back at her then looking back to the ground located far below
I really didn't know what the "conflict" was, insofar as
a.) Mix seemed to have some sort of problem, with Luna, Twilight, and Discord
b.) Discord was somehow (?) free, and was about to go mess with Twilight's mind anew.
c.) Nobody seems to care that this mad scientist on par with Kuchen from My Little Alicorn is free and unrestricted.

Mix: Good? Bad?
>>perfect...I hope he won’t break her mind or anything
***Again, I didn't know what to expect from your OC, Mix. At certain points in the story, I could point to a certain sentence or bit of dialogue and say "Oh, he's good/evil/sympathetic/antiheroic." Ambiguity is not something you should be striving for. An air of mystery is fine, but I don't get the feeling that ambiguity was really what you were going for with this.


Characters: 2/5
I often found myself thrown out of the characters' heads- or, in fact, unable to get in there in the first place- because of a large lack of IC, believable interactions, or otherwise visible internal dialogue. I advise you to take a good, long look at how well you know your characters- maybe even outline them and their personalities completely!- and then try and rewrite their scenes with that in mind.

Plot: 2/5
As I said above, I really had no idea what the conflict was, or even what archetypes or roles each character was meant to fill. If you need any ideas for this, TVTropes.org has a veritable ocean of examples.

Setting: 2/5
I'm giving you this score (and not a one) only because I assumed that it was the same setting as vanilla Equestria/Ponyville. However, if you want to do this better, I would suggest that you take some more time to really think over what each location in your fic means to the characters, as well as how different interactions might take place in each area. More intricate descriptions of these locations would work well too.

Mechanics: 3.5/5
As I'm sure you've noticed, there were quite a few issues with technical writing skills. However, it was readable, at least, so I'll give you this so long as you make sure to fix what I advised. See above.

Originality: 4/5
Interesting concept; I only hope that you take what I've said under consideration in order to construct a fic that will be both entertaining and engaging.

Total: 13.5/25

I will gladly look at a second draft of this; however, I suggest that you first try out one of the Proofreading review threads, if only to make reading your story a bit easier on the eyes.

I wish you luck on your rewrite, and look forward to seeing your revisions!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95603
I just started this story last night, and I'm hoping to turn it into a semi-epic reflection on life. I'm hoping you could take a quick look at what I have so far and give me some thoughts.

As Time Goes on
by Nicholas Taylor
[Slice of Life] [Semi-Sad]
Characters: Mane Six
Synopsis: "No matter how strong the bonds of friendship are, we still have our own dreams and goals that we must pursue. Pray that they never tear us apart."

A lot has changed in the 20 years since Twilight arrived in Ponyville. The town is now a small, bustling city, and each member of the mane six is busier than ever. After Twilight's friends throw her a surprise 20 year friendship anniversary party, she begins to wonder just how long time will allow them to stay together.

Length: 2000 words (so far)

Should be a brief read for you. I hope you enjoy it!

>> No. 95606
Of course! Although, I looked at the queue and didn't see any of the fics that I've looked at already there.

To all those submitting for review: if your fic is already in another review thread, please post that here to let me know.
>> No. 95609

Thanks for your good work! You've gone into some nice depth. Many of your nitpicks are appropriate and minor things will be edited as per your suggestions.

Mostly though I'm glad you enjoyed it. This next chapter is proving difficult, but not to worry-- I'll finish it sooner or later, and I'll bring it to you once I have.

And yes, it's Shadowrun. I'm surprised how many people are getting that.
>> No. 95610
Like >>95564 and >>95527
We don't mind your pulling fics from that thread, but just post that you're going to review them so nobody else claims them in the meantime.
>> No. 95612
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Hello there, Nicholas! Welcome to your review! Hopefully, you are seated comfortably and well-prepared; it's going to be a bumpy ride!

I'm going to go down this story sequentially, posting my reactions piece by piece.

>>"Ughhhh.  Thank goodness that meeting is over!  I almost fell asleep in there!"
I really didn't like the "Ughhh." I would suggest replacing it with a described sound effect: i.e. "Twilight groaned. "Thank goodness…"

>>"Honestly, how can ponies talk about housing developments for three hours?"
This seemed a bit OOC for me- wouldn't Twilight be one who would enjoy discussing something like this?

>>"Come on, Twilight, it's important that Ponyville expands the right way to avoid problems in the future."
I really think that Spike and Twilights' dialogue should be swapped here. Each one would fit the other very well, and wouldn't seem so out of place.

>>The two had to raise their voices slightly to be heard, as the chatter of the streets rang in their ears.
Change to -> …to be heard, the chattering of the streets ringing in their ears…

>>"Oh, Twilight, I forgot, I said I would help out with the Ponyville school play tonight.  I'll see you later, alright?" Spike said.
Just something I'm realizing here- this is twenty years later, correct? Keeping in mind fics such as "It Takes a Village," Spike's maturation is a widely-developed topic in MLP fan fiction. Instead of focusing on the story, I find myself wondering whether he's taller than Twilight yet. Throwing in a short sentence or two of description somewhere in here might help with that.

>>Wait... is this... cake batter?  
I'd probably make this a new paragraph, if only to separate the thoughts.

>>Multi-colored streamers
I believe multicolored is one word- yep, it is! Thank you, spellcheck.

>>blazed in sapphire letters across it.
This structure is a bit awkward. Perhaps you could rearrange it more like:
"emblazoned across it in bright sapphire lettering."

>>Pinkie Pie was bouncing up and down, before she dashed over to grab a cupcake and scarf it down her throat.
Ah, Pinkie Pie. Don't ever change. Good IC personality here.

>>"We're your friends!  Even if we're a little busier than we used to be, we'll always find time to spend together!"
I really liked this. I get the feeling that this part of the chapter is where you really hit your stride, character-wise.

>>as she lied on the ground
Lay down on the ground. I don't believe Twilight is telling any untruths. (*insert Liarjack here*)

>>A loud awwwwwwww escaped every pony
Instead of a literal sound effect, change this to "Everypony sighed, [excepting Rainbow Dash]…"

>>Why can't this last forever?
Excellent emotional sucker-punch. This was a line that I really felt, deep down.

>>she beamed. 

>>small scale city
Should be small-scale (My Little Grammar: Hyphens are Magic)

>>Pinkie Pie has expanded her gift of party planning to planning in general and is always called upon when an event needs to be organized
Insert a comma after "in general."

>>Applejack started putting more and more hours in on the farm.  Rainbow Dash got more involved with weather patrol and organization.  Pinkie wondered what it would be like to plan out things besides parties and discovered she had a knack for planning any event.  Rarity's dresses got more and more popular, and she started taking in more orders.  Fluttershy decided she wanted to help more animals besides her own.  I got asked to attend town hall meetings. 
I would suggest breaking up each of the Mane 6's "changes" into its separate paragraph, so that you can better emphasize the disconnect that Twilight is feeling. Paragraph/format emphasis can be one of the best ways to pull off an emotional thought process.

>>Time will only accelerate faster and faster the older we get, hurtling us towards an unclear future.
Nice prose here.

My first Winter Wrap Up, our performance on Hearth's Warming Eve, the trip to Appleoosa when it was still a small settlement... all distant memories. 
(…) -> (-)


Characters: 4/5
There wasn't a single moment when I felt like a character wasn't as I knew them, excepting a few moments that I've noted above. Excellent work.

Plot: 5/5
I thought that the way you developed the party- and it's symbolism and significance for Twilight and the others- was really quite heartwarming.

Setting: 3/5
I would have very much liked to have seen more of this "Future Ponyville." Perhaps add in a scene or two where Twilight has to go through town and deal with some of the new things that have changed?

Mechanics: 4.5/5

Originality: 4/5
I've seen plenty of fics where one or more of the Mane Six reflects on the past, but this was one of the few that I felt pulled it off well. Good job!

Total: 20/25
You're so close, and in so many places, too! Kudos to you!

I will look at any second draft that you send me, but I doubt it would be necessary. If you make these changes, I have no doubt that your fic will be EqD material.

I wish you the best of luck on your next draft, and in anything that you may write in the future.
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95613
File 133376186773.png - (192.10KB , 486x486 , Rainbow-Dash-American-salute-486.png )
Alrighty! Shouldn't be a problem, sir!
>> No. 95614
Whelp, here's some prose for you this time around.

Title: The Crescendo of a Storm
Author: Bearycool
word count: 1550
status: Incomplete
Tags: [sad] [adventure] [slice of life]
Characters: Octavia, OC character (Gallant Hatter).
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SYag2HXoIugNBbZ7DBryFWUP3u-3WjKs16YZUraAg5o/edit
Before the storm, there was music; and before even that, there was inspiration.

For five years, the colt named Gallant Hatter heard the lovely music of Octavia being played: he even got to see her and watch her play in person! However, five days before a massive storm hits, Octavia vanishes. Nevertheless, even with Octavia's disappearance Gallant continues to hear new melodies being played in his mind; it is as if Octavia never left him.

Soon, sheet music begins to fly pass him and he begins to realize that they are the melodies being played in his mind. As the days go by, the music begins to turn darker and tell him that a storm is about to arrive.

Will Gallant head the warnings of the music? This has yet to show....
>> No. 95615

I'm really glad you enjoyed this first chapter! A couple comments on the story on FIMFic remarked that this story feels like a one shot, although I do intend to expand this story. Instead of doing another unoriginal exploration of "Twilight outlives her friends," I'm shooting for something like "Life goes on, no matter how much we may want to stay together." It's a little ambitious, but I want to illustrate the struggle between "happiness with friends" and "happiness from personal pursuits" when these two conflict. For example, what if Rarity got an opportunity to open up a fashion store in Canterlot and expand her business?

Do you like this idea? Does it sound too ambitious? If you don't mind me asking, I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
>> No. 95617
It seems to work best as a oneshot (in my humble opinion). If you would like to expand this "universe," then I would suggest writing multiple stories, one for each general "plot." That way, you can keep each bit relatable without it getting confusing, even while maintaining the the same general canon.

Just my two cents!
>> No. 95619
I'd read it now, but I noticed that there've already been some advised revisions- two separate reviewers, in fact. Have you looked at their suggestions yet?
>> No. 95620
I"m actually playing an online tabletop game of Shadowrun at the moment, which is why I recognized it immediately.

As for your next chapter, I'll look at it if I have time. I'm not really supposed to be a beta-reader per se, but if I have nothing else to do, I'll gladly take read it over.
>> No. 95621
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Actually, I'd read it over regardless- just don't expect as full a review as I posted earlier. It's good enough that I'll freely track it myself for spare-time reading.

In the meantime: Gah, typos. Ponychan- y u no have "edit post" option?
>> No. 95622

Well, in that case I will focus on just this chapter as a separate entity for now. I do need to add just under 500 words to meet Equestria Daily's minimum word requirement for one-shots, but I should be able to do that without making it seem padded. Afterwards, I can focus on expanding the universe as their lives progress.

Thanks again!
>> No. 95630
File 133376648604.png - (145.98KB , 320x304 , 56205 - Frederic Frederic_Horseshoepin Octavia artist NarbeVoguel piano shipping.png )
Eh, suppose I'll review it regardless. Have a pre-read!

>>I do not know what all-powerful entity caused it, but I am glad that He did.
Wait…so there's Christianity in Equestria? ._.
(This is literally all I got from this sentence- it would've made more sense had you referred to Celestia or something.)

>>a small stallion that no one knows about
The word choice is a bit weird as well as awkward here. Perhaps replace it with something similar to "…a small stallion yet unknown by most other ponies." That way, you can keep with the theme of elevated prose.

>>her name was, and I suppose still is, Octavia
Make this its own sentence

>>You see,
This makes the following paragraph a bit too conversational. I'd suggest keeping second person out of this entirely.

>>I remember that
Flashbacks are tough to do, which is something that I will freely admit. Moreove, I can appreciate the transition effect that you were trying to pull off- but it really just didn't work for me. Perhaps you should fully separate this section by a line break or something, and get ride of the word-by-word transition altogether.

>> watched her hooves slowly move up and down and touching the keys with precision
Replace "and" with a comma, and you should probably add an adjective before precision (such as "expert" [precision]).

>>After that day I never saw her again,
Why? This bothered me a bit more than it should have- the opening prose is excellent, the flashback is well executed, but the narrative flow of the story thus far seems a bit lost. I'm unsure of what exactly is going on here.

>>with her a few days before the last one I had with her.
This is a bit awkward. I would recommend that you change it to something similar to, "…that we had had merely a few days earlier." Additionally, if it happened earlier, then why not place it earlier? I'm finding myself confused as to where, exactly, I am in your story's timeline. Something that might work well is putting this flashback first, and then the "final meeting" flashback; it might work a bit better in terms of flow, and also provide a final emotional punch with Octavia's "Prelude"- such a thing hits a lot harder when we already have a good understanding of the characters' and their relationship.

>>We were just fillies
Nitpick: OCTAVIA was a filly (i.e. a female, child pony). Your OC would be a colt.

>>“Yes... melodies....” she said.
I don't really think that you need "she said" here.

>>I have now just realized what that conversation meant, and now I feel foolish that I didn’t understand it till now.
Okay…what did it mean? ._.

You go from a revelation directly to another flashback. This leaves the relegation seemingly unimportant and drifting aimlessly within the reader's mind- not a good idea. Again, I'd suggest putting all internal thought at the end, with the flashbacks in proceeding sequence between Gallant's reflections and your own prose. That way, the reader can have the same realization as Gallant, and at the same time, making it all the more powerful.

>>Thus concludes the trinity of conversation,and starts the beginning of this story. These conversations weren’t picked out of random thought, they were placed here because they build the foundation of this entire story: they are the three main themes of this story, if you would like to call it that.
I'm not really sure I liked the last three paragraphs. They seemed to draw me out of the story a bit too much. I found myself genuinely wondering if they were author's notes. Replace them with the internal monologue(s), and end off with a thoughtful stinger that leaves the audience thinking.


Characters: 4/5
I thought that both characters were quite-well developed, although I would have liked to see Gallant's thought processes made a bit more coherent.

Plot: 3/5
I wasn't quite sure exactly where you were going with this; of course, as it is just a prologue- and a potentially intriguing one at that- I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Setting: 3.5/5
The setting for this was more of a relationship than a physical location, and I think that you did an admirable job with it. See my remarks on Characters above.

Mechanics: 3.5/5
There wasn't anything egregiously incorrect that I noticed insofar as grammar, but your stylistic choice in terms of the flashbacks' format really threw me for a loop. Try not to italicize them, either- a few lines of thoughts are fine to read in this format. Whole paragraphs are not.

Originality: 3.5 (?)/5
Not bad. I've seen several fics where Octavia or Vinyl is presented as having a "unique" perspective on music- which one is right depends on which one you prefer. Inserting an OC is just one extra factor. I'm going to have to reserve my judgement on this for the most part, if only because I feel that the plot or conflict is well-developed enough yet for me to say anything with confidence.

Total: 17.5/25

You certainly do have a gift for prose; you just need to work a bit more on keeping it consistent. I found your fic quite enjoyable to read, and thought it was a good job, all in all.

Feel free to shoot me back your revised version when finished.

Best of luck,
Golden Vision.
>> No. 95632
File 133376661406.png - (176.88KB , 498x273 , paradiselost.png )
Title: Paradise Lost
Author: RaptorSenior
Tags: Dark, Adventure, Sad
Characters: Jazz (OC), Twilight Sparkle; PRELUDE ONLY: Skyward Arrows (OC)

Synopsis: A lie begets a lies, and the world is protected by one. When a mysterious entity threatens to wipe out all of Existence, the only hope lies in Twilight Sparkle, with the help of Guide-in-training Jazz. Together, they must find out what Destiny has in store for all of them, before it's too late.

Length: JUST THE PRELUDE: 3k - 4k

NOTES: Please review only the prelude, as it is really the only one finished.

Links: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/17961/1/Paradise-Lost/Prelude%3A-A-Beautiful-Sonnet
>> No. 95642
File 133377042321.png - (48.37KB , 270x305 , elements_of_harmony_vector_by_turtlelover73-d4bkg1w.png )
Welcome to the thread, sir/madame, and prepare yourself for the most intrusive of surgeries- review. I promise, though, it won't hurt a bit!

Now, onward!

>>His heart was racing near quickly as he was
Change to "his heart raced nearly as quickly as he was"

>>Hoof after hoof met with cold wet ground
Keep it as a simple "Hoof met cold ground as…" Simplification is your best friend!

>>But the lightning did not frighten him: they only
This should really be a semicolon

>>long dilapidated stairway
I like to regard myself as someone who's generally well read (high scores on Reading SATs help with that), but even I had to look up what "dilapidated" meant. Either you're far more brilliant with vocabulary than I am (a genuine possibility), or else you just used spellcheck. I suggest replacing this with a simpler word- perhaps it's a "worn" stairway, or even "slightly rotted."

>>Come on, open! He became flustered. You blasted piece of idiotic machinery, I said open!
I liked this in that it began to establish the character's personality, which is the first glimpse we really have of your story's conflict or plot.

>>“Will you two get off your lazy flanks and meet me at the study!”
I'm unsure whether or not this is really a question. You'll probably want to reword this- it might well be a command, in which case "Will you two…" isn't really a feasible opening.

>>A banging began to echo throughout the hall. What sounded to be the large iron knocker began to hit the door several times.
You can probably merge this two sentences to make their flow less awkward. "A banging echoed throughout the hall, coming from the iron knocker's place upon the front door.

>>its tongue familiar to the unicorn
Why would it be unfamiliar? Is the unicorn used to hearing an ack-sent? :3

>>At the behest of the Emperor, you have been declared a traitor against the state for the act of treason.
Ooh, plot! Huzzah!

>>and you may be dealt with smoothly
Eh…smoothly definitely isn't the best word to use here. Perhaps his fate will "arrive swiftly and justly."

>>Day Break called out to her mentor
Who's Day Break? I realize that this is a Cold Open, but I would like some description- as well as some internal thoughts on Arrow's part- to tell me who the hay this pony is.

>>“Ignore the door! Just get to the study!”
Just a thought I had while reading this (i.e. before reading further)- not that it's plot relevant or required or anything, but you might want to switch about the genders (or personalities) of Day Break and Night Shade. It's too often a cliché that we have the brash young male, and his meeker female companion. Something to think about.

>>All the while the banging on the front door continued, shouts becoming methodical chants that repeatedly cried out the same phrase .
This is just…awkward. I'm not sure how you can really fix it without coming up with something entirely different- perhaps:
"Even so, the banging on the front door continued. The cries came again and again, shouting of treason, arrest, and "justice". The empty foyer, though, paid them no heed."

>>Straights became confused.
Unless you're going to tell us exactly how and why he's confused, I suggest that you just say that he "looked" confused- and perhaps go into some detail on his facial expression as well.

>>But, Captain, you aren't answering …
Usually, you don't really use ellipses to represent interruptions- hyphens are more grammatically correct.

>>“Yes, but how can this one unicorn be so important!”
Make the exclamation point a question mark.

>>There was something malicious in those eyes of his, something … unnatural.
Ellipses. They do not work outside of dialogue (mostly). I suggest you instead write something along the lines of: "something [almost] unnatural."

>>Y … yes

>>I can't wait for our meeting, old friend, he thought.
Ooh, double huzzah! Secret conflict! Hidden depths!

>>he knew where exactly
"The Captain knew exactly where…"

>>With that smile
You might want to describe the smile again, seeing as you're making it a direct (?) object- use a word like "ghastly" or "evil."

>>The two apprentices galloped into the study, stopping once inside to catch their breath.
New paragraph here, following Arrow's exclamation.

>>Then it came to him: the night with the Spirits. It was the night he received a very special  book, but it was also the night he received this demon curse.

No, seriously.


Where did this come from? What's a demon curse? What are the Spirits? Book- wha- how-?

._. Meep

>>He took the unharmed book from his soaked coat and began to write

LOL, jk. Please excuse my momentary insanity- I'm running off of sleep deprivation at the moment.

Agh, sound effects. Write in a description of the sound in prose, rather than the sound itself. Much more reader-friendly.

>>and pulled out two books, each identical to the one in which he wrote

>>floated the book
Book should be plural.

>>The door creaked open to reveal the fiendishly smiling Captain.
Two things:
1.) I'd suggest replacing "fiendishly smiling" with "fiendishly smug." You've already used smiling twice, and smug is more applicable to the circumstances anyway.
2.) I don't recall actually reading (hearing?) that the door had fallen…unless the Captain had some other way in. Slightly confuzzled here.

>>Skyward blatantly replied.
I don't think you really need this bit here. Just keep his response as clean dialogue- that gives you more room to focus on Diamondback's reaction and response.

>>I never want to hear that stupid name again
Kindly replace stupid with a different word- "weakling's", "ridiculous", etc. all work. I'm sorry, but all I can picture while hearing that is a second grader throwing a tantrum over his middle name.

>>I … am … not … weak!”

Or This. Is. Sparta format. Either one. *le shrug*

>>Shut up, you incessant fool
Not sure if incessant is the right word to use here- perhaps "incorrigible"?

>>“or worse.”

>>The Captain laughed menacingly, the crazed look in his eyes returning.
New paragraph this clause! \o/

>>“I never wanted … to be a good soldier. I … wanted to be … a good stallion.”
Huzzah! A place for ellipses! And a powerful moment too- well done on this, by the way! I'm really getting an excellent feel for Skyward's personality.

Too bad I'm getting a feeling that he'll be dead within 200 words…

>>“Give me the damn book!”
This and the line above it were very well-done climactic segments; excellently executed. The leading tension is quite engaging as well.

>>Beings of unknown nature began to moan and cry within the void. They clawed at the Captain in every place they could reach.
This and the rest of the paragraph that follows is interesting, insofar as the visual, but…it just seems awkward. Quite a few of the words or phrases just don't quite fit- I'd suggest revising this paragraph altogether.

>>A single tear fell from his eye, a smile of some happiness that he had lost long ago returning to him now.
Bah, tear. Keep the smile, though; that's good.

>>Yet Nopony

AKA, You are a typo; Prepare to die.

>>the unharmed Journal on the ground
Why is Journal capitalized?

Erm…you do know that you can just put in a page break with [hr], right? Unless you prefer this method.

>>She will have the power to create without quill and ink, form anything from nothing.
So THAT's how Twilight's going to be relevant! OHHHHHH.


I also really do like the thought that you've put in here, what with the Journals and the "new world." Very interesting.

>>You will only guide ruin
Replace "guide" with "bring about."

>>She is tender and fragile
Eh. Again, just to keep your readers on your toes, you might want to switch around the genders (unless you need them this way specifically, for shipping). I've read too many fics where the girl is "fragile." RAGH, NEED MOAR STRONG FEMALE ARCHETYPES.

>>big new world.
"Big" is probably not the best choice here. Either pick "bright new world" to evoke feelings of optimism, or "brave new world" for references and lulz.

And symbolism. Yeah, totally symbolism.

>>Drops of crystal clear liquid fell one at a time onto the perfect piece of parchment.

In other words, this is a bit unnecessary. It's easy enough to say "Shade's tears began to fall onto the parchment, blotting and blurring the words." Simplify, simplify, simplify! (In case you've ever read Zinsser).

>>It seemed as if the world was crafted from a storybook.
Cue MLP Pilot Episode Intro!



Characters: 4/5
I really enjoyed how you developed the personalities of each of your characters, but I feel as though you could do a bit more in the Cold Open to make it clear who we're dealing with, especially for Day and Shade.

Plot: 4/5
This is looking VERY interesting. Some kind of arcane conflict, combined with an ancient conspiracy to create Equestria? Mm!

Although you might want to add in some kind of stinger at the end of the Diamondback v. Skyward scene, mainly if you're planning on having whatever's lurking in that void play a part later on. You know, foreshadowing.

Setting: 5/5
I'm loving this. Well-developed, and subtly too! You revealed more to us of the Empire in a few lines of the Captain's dialogue than a textbook could have in a whole chapter.

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Only a few awkward bits. See above.

Originality: 4/5
I've seen this type of Cold Open before- it's common enough in adventure/grimdark fanfiction- but the rest of the concept is just magnificent; I've never heard of anything like it. This is a job well done!

Total: 21.5/25

You've done a great job on both the characters and the setting- your main issues are some awkward sentence structures and a small lack of foreshadowing. In the meantime, though, you're doing great!

I look forward to reading your next draft (though I doubt it will be necessary).
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95651
File 133377479796.jpg - (99.24KB , 900x900 , 992882.jpg )

Holy crap you respond fast, and I revise just as fast!

It's funny but your picture for your review reminds me of my characters. Lit. the pony playing the pony almost looks like the Gallant Hatter I'm thinking of save for the white mane (he has a brown one).

I have done the revision you've suggested and added some more imagery and other such things into the piece so everything flows a bit better.

Title: The Crescendo of a Storm
Author: Bearycool
word count: 2726
status: Incomplete
Tags: [sad] [adventure] [slice of life]
Characters: Octavia, OC character (Gallant Hatter).
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SYag2HXoIugNBbZ7DBryFWUP3u-3WjKs16YZUraAg5o/edit
Before the storm, there was music; and before even that, there was inspiration.

For five years, the colt named Gallant Hatter heard the lovely music of Octavia being played: he even got to see her and watch her play in person! However, five days before a massive storm hits, Octavia vanishes. Nevertheless, even with Octavia's disappearance Gallant continues to hear new melodies being played in his mind; it is as if Octavia never left him.

Soon, sheet music begins to fly pass him and he begins to realize that they are the melodies being played in his mind. As the days go by, the music begins to turn darker and tell him that a storm is about to arrive.

Will Gallant head the warnings of the music? This has yet to show....

Note: Around 1200 words added.
>> No. 95652

"The pony playing the pony"? What was I doing when I wrote that?

I meant the pony playing the piano. :l
>> No. 95663
File 133377806157.png - (144.89KB , 261x320 , Mr_ Fabulous.png )
A bit late to the party, but welcome aboard, and goodness you're working fast!
>> No. 95664

I absolutely loved this review! It was just - crazy awesome! Thanks.

I'd like to point out that the first episode (yes, chapters = episodes) takes place in present day Equestria (roughly 5000 years from this event which I'm calling 'The Second Chance').

I will begin immediately to fix whatever's broken. Also, a little bit into when I first wrote this:

I first wrote this as a test fic back when my other fic, Uprising, was horribly failing. I took the advice of the many talented reviewers here on /fic/ and this popped out. Originally, Night Shade and Day Break were both male. However, seeing as how the plot churned out a villain born of Day, obviously I changed him to her.

Thanks for this. I submitted this story to EQD and got back an email saying 'formatting and general grammar errors' so this is actually very good for me.

Thanks, once again. When the first episode is completely reworked and finished, I will submit it here for a thorough review. Thanks!
>> No. 95666

Hi, I did some quick revisions, added a quick additional description of Ponyville, and fleshed out Twilight's thoughts in her letter some more. I hope the letter doesn't seem rambling now.


I don't need a full review, just some brief thoughts on the changes, if you don't mind.

>> No. 95684
1.) Bearycool and Nicholas- I should get to your fics within two hours or so, so keep an eye out!

2.) Scheduling. In case you didn't already know, I am a student, so my time for /fic/ is occasionally limited. I will not be able to respond to your submission from 6 AM EST to 3 PM EST on weekdays, nor will I be able to respond while I am asleep (much as I wish I had a team of Kage Bunshin working around the clock for me)- usually from around 11 PM EST to 9 AM EST on a weekend.

3.) If none of you are too busy, I would be honored if you were to do a review of my own fic, "Equestria: The Time Loop Files," which can be found over on the Training Grounds. Huzzah for shameless self promotion!
>> No. 95688
>>I do not know what all-powerful entity caused it, but I am glad that He did.
Still awkward

>>a small stallion of some renown, yet unknown by most other ponies.
I just realized that you actually can't put these together- you can't be both renowned and unknown. One or the other, really.

>>My eyes and flank are a light chestnut, and my mane is somewhat darker to them
Not sure if we really need this, and it should be "somewhat darker [than] then." I'd advise you to just trash it, though.


>>I used to live in a town called Aurora before I moved to ponyville.
Probably switch the order; i.e. "Before I moved to Ponyville, I…" Perhaps add a transition before as well, such as "You may have seen me around town, …"

>>and had a good ratio of comforts: be them rural or urban. The houses were quite big and were made from mainly wood and some brick on the foundation.
We don't need to know this

>>Everypony knew one another and everypony’s house was almost always an open house for anypony in the town.
I'd advise getting rid of the second half of the sentence, and changing the first to simply, "everypony knew everypony."

>>and few miles from the demarcations of Aurora
"…and [a] few miles from…"

Also, I have no idea what demarcations means. Huh.
To Google!

…Apparently it means boundaries. Just say boundaries- you want to make things simple for your audience, not scare them away with complex vocabulary. Elevated language is one thing; throwing in an intimidating synonym just to sound classy is something else entirely.

>>we didn’t have a very large extended family since they were the only filly and colt in their family.
Just say "I didn't have many aunts or uncles, nor were my grandparents close enough to visit." The second half of the sentence is quite awkward besides.

>>f I have to say anything about it, it truly was paradise for me.
Expand upon this earlier. Why was it paradise? So far, all I've seen is a real-estate ad.

>>Albeit, it got lonely sometimes.
[But] it got lonely sometimes. Simplify, simplify, simplify!

>>There used to be a friend of mine
There seems to be a disconnect here, between "being lonely" and "having a friend." It's just strange to the reader- you might want to work it out a bit more.

>>(I.E. quite big)
If you've said already that your house is big (and I don't remember if you did, but you should anyway if it's relevant), then you have no need to put this here. I don't really see any need to mention the size of the house, anyway, unless it's a plot point that your OC is wealthier than the average pony.

>>and was the color yellow
"…And was colored a [adjective here] yellow."

>>Indeed, I knew Octavia when she was a filly
Put in something before here to make it clear that we're supposed to already know who Octavia is. Otherwise, the reader just goes, "Oh, okay. That's nice- but didn't you already say that in the rest of the paragraph?" If this is important (and Octavia is famous or something), then make that obvious to us.

>>the sun’s rays

>>The music crescendoed, then decrescendoed
I know what these words mean- to raise, and then decrease in volume. But that's because I'm a musician- the average reader might well have no idea what you're talking about. Stick with "became louder" and "slowly quieted to a whisper," for example.

>>growing beast
Not sure if "beast" is the right word to use here- completely different connotation from what I think you were trying to do.

>>just waiting to burst
"Just waiting to burst [free]."

>>It’s thoughts

>>A pause of silence, then I said
"[There was] a pause of silence, [and] then I said:"

>>returned it--.

>>any aura
"And [familiar] aura…"
And you should probably expand upon exactly what kind of "aura" he felt- their laughter together? The ways that they enjoyed each other's company? Chocolate-chip cookies? Pick one, and give us something to picture.

>>They buzz in my mind
"They [still] buzz…"

>>Some would call this crazy
What was crazy? I beith confuzzled here- and so I'm thrown out of the flow of the story a bit. Kind of a "huh?" moment.

>>then it can’t be said it’s truly a bullseye.

>>something did come that tried to describe that effect
Awkward. Perhaps you might use something like, "…Eventually, I came to understand fully what had happened."

>>We were---
Formatting issues. See my last review -.-"

>>a filly and a colt
"…a filly and [colt]."

>>Life is music, and music is life
This is really great. An excellent perspective, and delivered very well.

>>We were---

>>from our voice
Voice should be plural.

>>placing the two with a strong tempo
This sounded more like my band teacher than real philosophical reflection. I'd suggest rewording this part of the sentence altogether.

I must go for now- I'll put up my overall reactions later. My apologies.
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95710

Alright then, I will wait for the reaction then. Until then, I will do the revisions above.
>> No. 95726
Characters: 4/5
I think you can still do more with the character interactions, especially in terms of giving us some insight on their personal thoughts rather than just telling us their specific emotions. Let the reader put the picture together on their own

Plot: 4/5
I feel that you did a better job of making the overall feeling (though not the complete plot) of the story more obvious to the reader. There could be a little more clarification and perhaps foreshadowing, but that's personal preference.

Setting: 4/5
I enjoyed the description of the town, but now that you've given it to me, I want more. Perhaps you could give us a scene wherein Octavia and your OC have som fun in the town itself- just a reminder that this was indeed a childhood friendship. This would allow us to see them in a more heartwarming (and less professional) light, as well as allow you to develop the setting more without "telling" us exactly what it is.

Mechanics: 4/5
See the remarks from my earlier post.

Originality: 4/5
I really enjoyed the phrase "Life is music" and its extensions, and I feel that you did a very beautiful job overall on the thematic content of this piece.

Total: 20/25
I think that, for the most part, this is quite well-done. It's not perfect- moreover, this is the "stylistic" bump, the hardest area to cross in fan fiction and really any writing at all. For where you are now, your writing is fine- it works, and for many that's enough. But if you want it to really shine, then it'll take a lot more work to get it to the point where it moves from a good fic to a beautiful one. I will gladly look at a third draft, and (possibly) a next chapter, but you probably shouldn't expect a review as expansive as these two so far.

Best of luck in your rewrites,
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95731
Welp, I just finished taking a second look at this, and I've got to say that you've really done an admirable job at cleaning this up. However (and I'm not going to point to any specific instances), I think that the best thing for you to do at this point would be to print this story out and READ IT ALOUD. We hear things differently in our heads than when we actually say them, and often a story can be made much better if it keeps it flow when read verbally.

The emotional moments hit just as hard as before, though. Keep this up, and you'll be on EqD in no time!

Excellent work, and I look forward to seeing what you come up with in the future!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95760
Title: That Shrinking Feeling
Author Name: Professor Blue
Tags: little big adventure, fun
Characters: Rarity, Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash
Synopsis: Twilight accidentally shrinks herself and her friends, and they must venture back to the Library to fix themselves.
Chapter 1 released of 10 planned
Each chapter will be of relatively equal length.
Length: ~3500 words

See comments section of critique that I have already received but am unsure how to implement- advice in that regard would be most sincerely appreciated.
I heartily thank you for your generous assistance.
Professor Blue
>> No. 95779
Here's one for you. I haven't had anyone beyond my friends review it at all, so I hope you like it. It's a little long. The prologue and two chapters are way over your word count, so I'm not asking you to review the whole thing.

Title: A Harmony Chronicle
Author Name: ZeroCereal
Tags: [Adventure]
Characters: Mostly OCs; Mane 6 in prologue

Synopsis: Equestria is a place of peace. Whenever it is threatened by enemies, it has a defense. But what happens when that defense fails? What happens when the enemy wins? One thousand years after the fall of Equestria, new heroes rise, and a fight for redemption begins.

Length: 3494 in Prologue, 4939 in Chapter 1, 6721 in Chapter 2 (Again, sorry about the length)
>> No. 95786
Title: Chronicles on an Unknown World - Chronicle #1: The awakening
Author Name: Blue Blaze {COMET}
Tags: Normal, Adventure, Semi-sad, Human
Characters: Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Fluttershy, OC Character
Synopsis: Twilight and Applejack stumble upon a meteor while traveling through Sweet apple acres. Next thing Twilight knows, magical chaos breaks out in ponyville.
Length: Approx. 12 000 words total (approx 7000 in prologue, 5000 in chapter 1)

Other notes: Incomplete, prologue is complete but chapter 1 is still in progress, split into several parts. Only self-edits have been made to this story.
>> No. 95793
File 133383539377.jpg - (818.72KB , 1000x870 , 130094%20-%20applejack%20artist%3Astardustxiii%20Cookies%20cute%20filly%20fluttershy%20mane_six%.jpg )
Hello there! Welcome to your review! Sit back, and enjoy the ride!


Laconic Version: Honey, I Shrunk the Ponies.


Thought Process:
That's a weird way to word that…
It walks and talks!
I think you accidentally a word
Wait, huh? Interest in what?
Is Rarity flirting with RD? o.o
Apathetic RD is apathetic
Weird spell name ._.
So wait…is magic French or Latin?
I just thought of Pokémon :D
Hello mini-Twi! Hello other mini-ponies!
I'M DAVID OGHAOFF! ((Hooray!))
Oh, look. A Sokka quote. Excellent…


Tropes Noticed:
Shrink Ray
Language of Magic
Magic Misfire
Did Not Do the Research (Twilight)
Blind Mistake/Rookie Mistake
Fun Size


Line-By-Line Notes:

***The title is quite awkward…though I'm note sure why. I usually like "In Which" chapter titles, but this one is just a bit off for me.

>>Early was the morning and late was the spring
Awkward wording- plus, it's a "weather description," as EqD puts it. I'd suggest replacing this with a setting description of sorts, or even starting with the conversation between Fluttershy and Rarity while interweaving the description with the dialogue.

>>You mean all those [gross] fuzzy worms
Word choice (for Rarity). Perhaps "disgusting"?

>>“Well I’d think you
"Well[,] I'd think [that] you…"

>>Rarity.” said Fluttershy
"Rarity[,]" said Fluttershy [meekly]. Give us some description of her tone- otherwise, this seems OOC for Fluttershy.

>>“Speaking of beauty in unexpected places.” said Rarity,
Wait…is Rarity flirting with Dash in some way? I am confused ._.

>>Rainbow dramatically posed her hooves as if to show an imaginary frame of a thought.
I think we can already guess that RD is posing to demonstrate a thought; there's no real need for the second bit.

>>but had suffered worse adulation of them by the Migration Fluttershy so highly adored.
This is just…awkward. Perhaps instead: "But she'd suffered worse during the Butterfly Migration- Fluttershy's adoration for the bugs hadn't rubbed off on her one bit."

>>other groups of ponies enjoying the day with pleasantry
This is just awkward. Replace it with: "Other groups of ponies also enjoying the beautiful day" or something.

>>Beyond the park and past a few houses they went
Passive voice issues (or is it just order/wording?)

>>“Something wrong? You’re looking funny.” said Rarity,
This doesn't really feel like Rarity's style of speaking, i.e. her diction. Try rewriting it with her tone in mind.

>>“Ocularum status quo.”
I will agree with one of your reviewers; I myself did not really like the spoken magic words, especially when you changed from Latin to French out of nowhere. Unicorns don't really need words (in my personal head canon, anyway), and it might be a bit strange for your readers to see something that looks more like it should be in a Harry Potter fan fiction.

>>“I simply must get more of these fluttershies!
Is this foreshadowing for shipping? If not, then get rid of it. If yes, then make it more obvious.

>>It looked like a rippled lake of shimmering green,
"…of shimmering green[.]"
Also, this descriptive paragraph is quite well-written. Good job!

>>Rainbow Dash easily flew over the trivial obscuring hollow

>>But a pony did well to keep their eyes on where they were going.
Is this RD thinking? If not, then just get rid of it or change it to something a little less…eh, third person general. It's just awkward here when you've just talked specifically about Dash.

>>Her horn glowed brilliantly, and with an energetic swirl that shot through the air and arced at the bodies of each of her friends, they all instantly shrank like popped balloons, each to the size of a marble, midair.
I suggest more rising tension here; either put in a longer segment for describing their changes, or else just go straight to the exclamations.

>>and a sharp Clap! was heard
A "clap" is a normal noun- no need to capitalize or use the exclamation point.

>>Fluttershy began flying with her own stability alongside

>>“..ainbo...ash….arity! …luttershy!”
I really just…didn't like this. Perhaps you should write out that she heard muffled shouts and was unable to make them out, instead of giving us those shouts and making us uncomfortable with their weirdness.

>>“Magnification spell… …?...Force one’s scale unsure, Make all miniature? Augh!”
The rhyming and meter here was…off. I'd suggest adding or rewriting it to make it fit better.


Repeated Errors:
Ending a spoken phrase with a period.
ex.) "Hello," Rarity said (correct) vs. "Hello." Rarity said (incorrect.)
Passive Voice (awkward):
ex.) "To Twilight’s size the action was violent and fearful in its relative size." (This is also an example of repetition)
Awkward Wording:
ex.) "Full of those contented with the trades of bits and bargains."
Hyphens at Sentence Openings:
ex.) "-Well, mostly"

Notable Excerpts:
1.) A zephyr calmly brushed past the idyllic flow of the meadow, painting waves into the grass.
2.) ‘Hawk’ly Vision on one’s mind, long-sought sights you gain in kind.’
3.) The tall grass that was so fine and spindly when they stood near the tree, now seemed a verdant forest of thin trunks of green as fine and upwardly as cedars.



Characters: 3/5
Oftentimes I found the characters' responses seeming almost…mechanical, especially with Rainbow Dash. You might want to try and develop their internal thoughts a bit more, as well as give us a more direct route "into their heads".

Plot: 3.5/5
Seems clear enough, but the RarityShy hints and some other thing confused it a bit for me. Twilight messing up the spell that badly also seems somewhat far-fetched.

Setting: 4/5
I think you did an admirable job on this, especially with the excerpts of prose that I inserted above.

Mechanics: 3/5
Your writing wasn't…bad, certainly, but there were plenty of times where I just found it too awkward to read. I suggest reading it aloud to yourself to make sure that the flow really works for each and every sentence- that usually works.

Originality: 3/5
The "Twilight messes up on a spell" premise is quite, quite old, and I'm not even sure that you put too much effort into thinking it through. Still, I've got to give you points for the original crossover idea, so there's that at least.

Total: 16.5/25

Final Thoughts: I think this could be a nice story. It's likely not going to be an amazing epic (unless your next chapters surprise me), but it was an enjoyable read nonetheless. I suggest you take my advice both on the reading aloud and on repeated errors- I didn't point out all of the issues that I noticed in my line-by-line segment, and you'd do well to do some self-editing of your own.

I look forward to your next draft!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95794
Hi Blue Blaze. If you've looked at my requirements, you would have noticed that I ask for fics between 1k and 6k words. I suggest sending me only a smaller segment from the the first part (even as a google doc) so that I can take a look at your writing style. If you do so, I should have it finished by tonight.
>> No. 95802
File 133383831488.jpg - (12.76KB , 200x200 , 3465153+_94e38858094359547fc0bbf1aaa4a98c.jpg )
Thanks for the review I'll look over my fic over spring break and will hopefully have it fixed before the break's over.
>> No. 95833
Watching Paint Dry
Eustatian Wings

Slice of Life | Comedy
featuring The Cutie Mark Crusaders

Scientific rationalism goes head-to-head with good ol' fashioned Apple family sense when the Cutie Mark Crusaders ask, "Does watched paint dry?"
3100 words

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19048/Watching-Paint-Dry Password: wip (formatted)

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1g5iXvJ9rS6QB5bXQBnYvcpZu2gLu10aXD7oIfJuKcsI/edit (for comment if you so desire)
>> No. 95841
File 133384660687.png - (836.15KB , 800x617 , return_of_the_shadowbolts_by_jewlecho-d3jd6sd.png )
Good day, my good writer! Let's get down to some reviewing, shall we?


Laconic Version:


Thought Process:


Line-By-Line Notes:

>>Twilight pushed against this stream of brave equines
So is Twilight going against the Guard, or is she just pushing through the crowd? Unclear.

>>Twilight let magic flow
"Twilight let [the] magic flow…"

>>and was soon appearing on the other side of the wall.
Issues with tense- this should be in simple past tense.

>>and she could see this one’s face
"This one" doesn't really work well with "it". Pick one (as you're being specific about THIS pony already).

>>Suddenly, the weight of her enemy was lifted off as a pair of orange legs appeared above her, kicking the pony away with a cracking sound that made Twilight flinch.
This is a bit of a run-on. I'd suggest either trimming it or splitting it in two.

>>flashing simple combat spells from her horn in an attempt to reach the group
What combat spells? Give us some description.

>>haphazardly nodding her horn at Twilight.
Haphazardly probably isn't the word to use here- perhaps "distractedly"?

>>It teed off
I'm guessing this is a typo?

>>The thrumming of
Just say "the [thrum] of."

>>there was nothing left of the stream of foes
"Stream of foes" seems awkward. You might want to replace it with, for example, "enemy army" or "opposing force."

>>Some say he was created by another evil force.
Repetitive. You already said that he was evil- a synonym or something might work here.

>>as the dark pegasus pulled out of its dive before the three.
This is more of an "action"phrase. Perhaps he "watched from afar, hovering above the waters."


Repeated Errors:

*Run-on sentences
ex.) A layer of frost formed on everything the wave touched, and as the robed ponies tried to back away, they were frozen in place.
*Too Many Commas Syndrome
ex.) See above.


Notable Excerpts:
1.) “Now, come on, you three.  I can’t fix burns on ponies, you know.”
2.) Some enemies are beyond harmony.
3.) “You have to,” Twilight said.  “If pony society has to rebuild, they’ll need you.  You can’t stay here.”



Characters: 4/5
I really liked how you portrayed the separation of the Mane 6 at the end, as well as how you made their horror and sadness really come to life. However, the opening battle scenes felt a little wooden to me- you might want to do some more work there in terms of Twilight's mental state and thoughts.

Plot: 3/5
I enjoyed this, but I would have really liked to get some hint of why, exactly, these enemy forces are attacking. Even a small bit of foreshadowing- a warning by a Guard, perhaps?- would have done wonders for this. We don't need an infodump- just small hints and reminders through the chapter of what's going on and why.

Setting: 3.5/5
This kind of fit in with my complaints about the Plot, so See Above.

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Aside from run-on sentences, this was very-well proofread. Excellent work!

Originality: 4/5
I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here, as what I've thus far seems interesting. However, I'd give you a warning to keep this "Strom" strictly out of Villain Sue territory when he does show up in the story proper.

Total: 19/25


Final Thoughts: This was very well-written, but I thought that you could do a lot more to make the characters and their introductions more relatable in the opening combat scene. You could also do more to lift up the curtain, per se, in order to tease us with the background of your fic and the plot to come. I also thought that the "transition poem" (as I called it in my head) was very well pulled-off.

I may look at the following chapters. For now, though, I have another review to get to- best of luck!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95846
Thanks for the review! I'll get to revising it right away and fix any repeated errors in my other chapters. Hopefully it'll all be better for my next review.
>> No. 95849

Sadly, the EqD prereader did not agree with you :(

I submitted the fic this morning and got a reply 5 hours later (I was pleasantly surprised at the turnaround). He/she said that the emotion was lacking, I didn't paint a good enough picture, and I did too much telling versus showing.

Too bad. I'm going to get to work on expanding the story and fleshing it out a bit more. Thanks again for your review!
>> No. 95851
Ack! That really sucks. I'll try and take another look at it and see what kind of suggestions I can make.
>> No. 95855
Also, I'll probably institute a system in my reviews where I say whether a particular fic is ready for EqD, and if not, what NEEDS to be fixed. Usually a fic will only be completely, 100% ready (in my opinion) for submission if it's earned a 23.5/25 or higher on my total rating system. I'll try and get you your re-review in an hour or so, if that would help.
>> No. 95861

Sure! I wasn't asking for a re-review, but if you are willing to offer one, I will be most grateful :)

Also, I emailed you the comments I received from the pre-reader.

Thank you so much.
>> No. 95862
Title: The Ward

Author Name: Zeroexev29

Tags: Sad, Tragic

Characters: An unnamed BG Pony from "Read it and Weep," his family, and Rainbow Dash
Synopsis: Rainbow Dash was in a hospital for a broken wing from a flight accident. She was put into a ward with a purple stallion in a full body cast. Nobody knows what happened to him or what he's going through. This is his story.

Length: 5,890 [Incomplete]

Google Docs: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ywm6AuQ20JXuf1lfAoKB6f47YQj32d6P3X9sKKJtVRA/edit

FimFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/9561/The-Ward
>> No. 95864
Hey! You're a lot of fun to chat with on Livestream. :P

So, I re-wrote a little of my first chapter, and I'd like you to take a look. This is the one that the EqD prereader said was too much tell, not enough show. That STILL kicks my ass. I get show, don't tell in video, but in print? I THINK I helped it out a lot. If you could throw me in the queue, That'd be awesome.


Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, Human
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria and decides to share his "work" with a world that has not known violence like that in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this psychopath no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...
>> No. 95865
File 133385452575.png - (360.11KB , 647x307 , Capture.png )
Hello there! I started reading/reviewing your fic on the GDoc (my comments are there, if you would like), but I could only manage to finish a little under two thirds.

Here's why:

*I came into this fic expecting two things: scientific shenanigans (as per the description), and CMC humor (as per the tags). I got neither.
*Instead, I got something which at times was actually quite heartwarming (aka, more of a slice-of-life tag), but which had little to nothing to do with what I actually came in expecting to read.
*I would say that about 80% of what I read was padding- i.e., it really didn't contribute to either the plot, the setting, or the characters' developments or interactions. At no point while reading did I ever really feel connected to any of the characters.
*You did far too much telling, and nowhere near enough showing. I came her for a story, not for the stage directions of a play. You need to write out these scenes that you're describing (see my comments on Applejack's scolding scene for more extensive detail), rather than just matter-of-factly informing us of what happened.
*Much of the prose, while nice, seemed quite out-of-place in a CMC fic. They're random, spontaneous, and not at all patient, while the atmosphere that you created did a lot more to make an environment that was reflective and nostalgic. This would have worked a lot better had you set out to write a fic where, for example, the CMCs were reflecting on their childhoods, but this wasn't it.

I really would like to apologize if this seems like an overly-harsh review. I'm trying to look at this from the perspective of an EqD pre-reader, especially as a fic that I just reviewed (and approved) got rejected.

At no point did I feel that your fic was actually unreadable; it was just...boring and somewhat irrelevant. That's even without the annoyance that I felt upon discovering that the tags, description, and title had next to nothing to do with the actual story. Had I been an actual reader, I'd have quit right out of there by the second page.

Overall (for what I saw):
Characters: 3/5
Plot: 1.5/5
Setting: 2.5/5
Mechanics: 5/5
Originality: 2.5/5

See above for comments.

Remember: this fic wasn't badly written. It just didn't have the effect that would make a reader actually want to read it- which, right now, is what you're missing (next to the whole character development/show vs tell thing).

Ready for EqD: No.

If you want to rewrite this as a simplified and more concise (as well as more-relevant) version, then I will gladly re-review it. Until then, I wish you the best of luck in your writing endeavors- and thank you to the utmost for having your writing mechanics down well enough for me to be able to make this evaluation in the first place.

Golden Vision
>> No. 95874
File 133385823856.png - (200.71KB , 638x348 , hrEtA.png )
Laconic Version: Mr Grumpy Pony Visits The Hospital


Line-By-Line Notes:
See GDoc
**Reading over some of my comments, I realize that a few came off as pretty harsh- harsher than they needed to be. My apologies for this (I was somewhat sleep-deprived; it was a fairly long read), but you should still take them all under consideration.


Repeated Errors:
-Inconsistent tenses
-Telling, not showing.
-Not capitalizing when necessary


Notable Excerpts:
1.) I can’t tell them I’m still in pain…
2.) ’m almost happy…but then I wake up.
3.) Does she even know what pain I’ve been through?



Characters: 2.5/5
You need to develop the characters more. At no point did I really find myself emphasizing with the main character (whatever his name is); neither did I ever find myself caring about his relatives, his nurse, or even the Mane 6. Your work is cut out for you.

Plot: 2/5
I really had no idea where this was going until RD arrived- but then again, that was one-fourth of the way in (or approx. 1,500 words). You really need to make the plot start sooner; until then, I really couldn't figure out why I wanted to keep reading.

Setting: 3/5
I didn't like how you portrayed the nurses (teasing; apathetic), and the hospital just felt…blank to me. A hospital is a highly symbolic place, but you missed the opportunity to use it as such by instead focusing on the character's moping.

Mechanics: 3/5
I'd have actually given you a 4.5/5 otherwise, but the ellipses really killed it for me, almost to the point of making it unreadable (but not quite). Please: get rid of them. Or your story isn't going anywhere.

Originality: 3.5/5
It's a good idea, no doubt about that- making RD confront her mistakes, and from the viewpoint of someone we only see as a humorous background pony? Sounds good! But it's missing that spark that really makes a story come to life, and so I had to downgrade you here.

Total: 14/25


Final Thoughts:

**Show, don't tell. Make us feel what the characters do- don't tell us what we SHOULD be feeling.
**Make his family real people- er, ponies. They fell flat as characters, and it's not hard to see why. See my comments on the section for further detail.
**Start the plot sooner. I got bored of his moping and almost started skimming the chapter for a second.
**Get rid of the random "Mafia" plot (what I named it in my head), or whatever happened in the barn at the beginning of the story. It's random, a non sequitor, and just doesn't make sense.
**Less angst/Pondering Our Navels (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ContemplateOurNavels); more genuine emotion and relatability.

I actually really liked this one part, about a thousand words in. It's where you started talking about dreams and how they differ from reality- you get so close to freedom, but the dream ends with a poof. Hours pass in your thoughts, but they're only minutes in reality. I think that this would actually be a very good conceptual topic to focus this fic on; compare the main character's dreams with RD's reality, or something similar. I actually think that, if you put some extra effort in, you could get a realistic and sobering reflection of the "dreams" of those in an actual long-term care ward: so close in mind, but so far away in real life. Make us feel this tragedy- and it is indeed tragedy, not angst. I hate to use this word, but I really felt like your character was whining/moaning throughout- I felt bad for him, but otherwise it really just spoiled it for me.

I will look at any rewrites that you choose to do, but for now, I recommend that you take my suggestions into consideration and take a solid few days (at least) to do a rewrite.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Recommended?: Yes.

Best of luck,
-Golden Vision
>> No. 95888
I'll take a look at this tomorrow. For now, SLEEP :D
>> No. 95899
Thanks for your time.

You're dead right about the synopsis, which I will revise.

Clearly, the symbolism failed to work for you. In my experience, reading closely for errors shuts down my ability to read between the lines, so I take special care to read stories as stories first when I review. I don't know if that happened; it is entirely possible that my symbolic storytelling simply sucks. I'm gonna seek a second perspective there before making changes.

I'm reviewing your suggested corrections for mechanics. I apologize if this spams your inbox (if you don't want the notifications, you have to click the "comments" button next to the "share button" then "notification settings" - one of the less-nice features of GDocs). My intention isn't to discount your effort, but to encourage you to improve.
>> No. 95903
I...actually didn't notice any symbolism. I'll take another look in the morning; my apologies if I unintentionally overlooked something.
>> No. 95940
Thanks for being open-minded. Vimbert likes to say "write for yourself, revise for your readers," and I think that's good advice. At this point, I know it's about the yin and yang of solitude and companionship and ownership being a two-way street. Now the challenge is to bring readers to that place.

It's easy to write what I call "English-teacher literature," the kind of thing that needs to be explained to be any good. But the true test of the writer's art is its accessibility. The Little Prince is about companionship, ownership, duty, foolish pride, mortality, and more. What makes it one of the best stories ever is that does all that and is still for children.

Like you said, the synopsis puts the reader in the wrong frame of mind. The plot gets moving with Sweetie play-fighting and being stubborn enough to follow through with the whole "watching paint" thing. I need to better motivate her and AB. If I succeed there, the reader won't feel that the peripheral things (the running, AJ's scolding) need to be expanded on. You're probably right about showing SB cleaning up. It might be good to do so before the AB and Scootaloo running montage.

The big challenge with slice of life (or tranche de vie in Fancy) is letting the important elements shine a little brighter than the backdrop of mundane things happening, and that didn't quite work out here.

I'm gonna take another look at the CMC in canon, make sure I'm reading them right (AB is the alpha, but also introverted and subtle in her leadership. Scootaloo is the group's conscience, when she's not being impulsive and tone-deaf. Sweetie is poetic and a little more Pinkie-random.) and think about this for a few days.
>> No. 95991
Well hello there. I figured it would be a good idea t have this reviewed a few times before sending it off to the ol' pre-readers.

Title: Another

Author name: Josh Meihaus

Tags: Dark

Characters: Celestia, Luna, Twilight Sparkle

Synopsis: Twilight has always been unique, but Celestia kept it a secret just how unique she was. Unlike other unicorns, Twilight's magic is a distinct personality that comes out in situations of extreme stress.

When Celestia and Luna travel to Ponyville to investigate an explained attack, Celestia attempts to unravel the mystery while growing increasingly concerned about Twilight's state of mind.

Length: (present) 3,838

>> No. 95992
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iGxFeflSb06BIR4rbxc7I1qd2eoRH9kSjKhi-tnN2dk/edit
>> No. 95997
File 133391388293.jpg - (29.68KB , 500x472 , tumblr_lryeztyDCj1qfxadao1_500.jpg )
Hey there, Jake! It was indeed quite fun to chat with you on livestream- perhaps I'll do one of my own next week?

Anyways, as I know IPP already did a line-by-line with you, I'm mainly going to focus on overarching issues that I noticed.

*I would have liked for you to introduce Barlow earlier. The casino scene was good, but the way that you structured it- one full side, then another- was awkward. Make it choppier; give us flashes of either's perspective so that we feel the full amount of tension and panic in the scene. By the time I got to Barlow's part, I already knew how it would end, so I didn't care nearly as much.
*Mood whiplash (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/MoodWhiplash) is one of your biggest problems, alongside show-and-tell. One moment I'm reading about fun, cartoon ponies, and the next I get a homicidal maniac trying to kill some poor kid. My mental thought was literally, "lolwut?" as I frantically tried to piece things together. You need both 1) better transitions, and 2) better organization/flow skills. Make the scene changes make sense. As they are now, I just felt really confused and somewhat annoyed at the abrupt change in drama whenever we went from pony to human and vice-versa.
*Similarly to above, give us more of an introduction to the killer. Hell, I'd suggest even giving Barlow and his partner center stage first, then go to the casino scene, and then finish the first chapter/prologue with Berry's murder (which was, by the way, very well pulled-off)- that way, we get a nice lead in to the story, and the pacing and structure doesn't feel awkward.
*The pre-reader was right when he said a big issue was telling instead of showing. It wasn't too large a problem as to make the fic unreadable, but your tendency to tell us exactly what's going on was definitely noticeable. My suggestion is that you decide what a character is going to do or feel, and then instead of telling us that, picture what they're doing.
Example: "Twilight was scared." (Incorrect) vs. "Twilight's knees began to buckle as a shiver ran down her spine. A drop of sweat ran through her mane."



Characters: 4/5
Good job here; just more showing and less telling.

Plot: 2.5/5
You lost a lot of points here for pacing and awkward story/chapter structure.

Setting: 3/5
Again, you lost points here for making your transitions too abrupt. See above.

Mechanics: 5/5
Nothing too egregious; you did a mostly excellent job of self-editing (or else you just gave it to a really good proofreader). Although you may want to reconsider using passive voice occasionally.

Originality: 4/5
HiE? Seen it. But this is something interesting and new- almost similar to Rorshach in Equestria except not. I'd suggest, though, that you do more with Barlow in the opening chapters- make his appearance in Ponyville (if he is, in fact, transported there) MUCH quicker- second chapter, even. This is part of why I suggested condensing a few scenes into a complete prologue/chapter one.

Total: 17.5

Final Thoughts: You'll easily get over a 20 if you revise the story's structure and the show/tell issues. Just something I forgot to mention above- I wasn't able to relate to Pomeroy as much as I would have liked to. Although I liked the subtle hints that you put into his character during the murder scene, I still would have liked more. Not making him sympathetic or anything, but just giving us a bit more insight on his character and motivations.

Ready for EqD?: Not quite yet.

Best of luck,
-Golden Vision
>> No. 96006

Note: my fic is going to be a multi-part that I'm guessing will be well over 20,000 words. The story is far from over, suffice to say.
>> No. 96008
Golden Vision, you are a frakking GENIUS!!

OK, how about this: I combine the casino scene and the scene with Pomeroy and the boy, BUT! Instead of Barlow crashing through the door in time to see Pomeroy vanish, he tackles him and they BOTH get poofed to Equestria. The scene ends with Schaffer alone in the room. Then the next chapter is the scene with Twilight and Applejack, Luna's scene, and Berry Punch. Chapter three would be Barlow waking up in the Everfree forest. Sound better? I only now worry about it feeling rushed.
>> No. 96023
That actually works great! Something I would recommend, though, would be to put in a line of dialogue or two between Barlow and his partner about archaeological items/scrolls being stolen lately, just to foreshadow the portal.
>> No. 96024
Although I'd still suggest keeping everything up to Berry's murder in one chapter, and then having the Mane 6's part begin in Chapter 2. Perhaps you could develop a bit of the chapter in that signs of Pomeroy are visible to ponies such as Fluttershy (line of mutilated creatures), Zecora, etc, or several ponies feel like they're being watched. Then have the discovery.

Barlow waking up in Ch. 3 works great though :)
>> No. 96025
Hrm. So I re-read it, and it struck me that the paint drying was likely a metaphor for the development of the CMC's friendship- as was the growing tree at the end. I think something you might want to do is establish right at the beginning that these Crusaders are a bit older than in canon, if only because the "age portrayal" is what confused me the most the first time. I see now that I shouldn't have given you such a low "grade" the last time; just off the top of my head, I'd give this a 16-17/25 (that'll teach me not to review at 1 AM in the morning).

I did, however, think that you made the symbolism too blunt. I can't really point out any specific points (except, really, the whole very abrupt transition to talking about the tree/treehouse), but the whole bit at the end felt very obvious to me. You definitely need to work out your synopsis, too- I believe there's a thread somewhere on Ponychan that deals with those.

Best of luck!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 96028
File 133392827545.png - (515.40KB , 830x470 , crazy_twilight_sparkle____by_flutterdashy90876-d4f5yev.png )
Good evening to you, sir, and welcome to Golden Vision Reviews!

I'm probably not going to do a line-by-line commentary on this (the reasons of wwhich will become clear below), so let's move onto the overall review!


1.) Your vocabulary was, strangely enough, too complex early on. I had to stop for a moment to remember what "vociferous" meant- and another person who didn't already know might not have the luxury.

2.) I thought that a lot of Celestia and Lunas' dialogue seemed very wooden at times. This was in part because it was, centrally, an infodump. I think you could have done more in characterizing Luna during this segment as well; she mostly seemed to act as a Watson to Celestia's Psychoanalyst Holmes. See below for more thoughts on this problem.

3.) I think that, overall, quite a bit of the story had some holes in it (plot-wise). Why did Celestia never take any precautions against this re-emergence? If it's been known to happen before, then why didn't she do any research on how to magically limit the personality? Has she tried reasoning with it? Why does Luna (who's commonly characterized as knowledgeable about magic and mystery) so... (I don't even know what word to put here- wooden? Uninteresting? Not bothering to propose anything or thinking outside of what Celestia already knows?).

4.) Something that might help your fic's plot with some of its awkwardness is to have Celestia's knowledge of the personality be merely a suspicion- up until the Carrot Top incident (upon which she gets confirmation). I'd even suggest that Celestia gets a tipoff of the incident from a meandering guard/clerk, and that she gets a little lightbulb over her head that makes her investigate. She goes, checks it out, has growing horror/suspicion- and boom! She gets the letter from Alt!Twilight. From here, Celestia goes to investigate while Luna does research.

I'm not going to rewrite this whole bit for you, mainly because I think that would be insulting to you as an author, who's bothered to come up with an idea this good. It's really very interesting- the way that you're presenting it just needs more polishing.

5.) The Friendship Letter is really bad, somewhat cheesy, and even a bit nonsensical. Replace it, please.

6.) Something that I would have liked to see was a prologue in which the Carrot Top incident took place. By this, I mean that I'd like to see a segment where CT is running from something, and we get flashes of Alt!Twi's perspective (though we don't know it's her yet). This way, you can characterize both CT and Alt!Twi, making them more three-dimensional (and in the latter's case, creepier), rather than the wooden way you have them written up now (Carrot Top is mostly unsympathetic, and Alt!Twi isn't really that much more intimidating than, say, the boogeyman under Celestia's bed). Give us something to sink our teeth into.

7.) I really didn't get why they needed to get away from Twilight at the end. Make that clearer. Also, connecting to what's above, don't make our first meeting with real Twilight connect to the CT Incident; instead, increase the tension by having Celestia try to confront a naive and memory-less Twilight far away from the scene of the crime. That way, we're really left wondering if this is the real Twi, and the paranoia factor spikes exponentially.


Overall ->

Characters: 2.5/5
Plot: 2.5/5
Setting: 3/5
Mechanics: 5/5
Originality: 4/5

Total: 17/25


Final thoughts: I think that, like Jake's story above, the main problems with your fic had to do with how you laid out the story, and how it flowed throughout. It was never actually bad- there was just so much more you could have done with it.

II believe that this fic has real potential to do well, but for now, some major edits/rewriting are in order.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite Suggested?: Yes.

Best of luck,
-Golden Vision
>> No. 96031
But then I run into an issue of time. If they both got there at the same time, then how could Pomeroy leave signs and Barlow not be there yet? That was why I had him coming later originally, to allow a little suspense in Equestria.
>> No. 96033
Something you might actually want to do is have them appear in slightly different locations- even just a clearing away from the other. Maybe Pomeroy wakes up first (while Barlow was knocked out completely by the explosion) and starts slashing around at trees and woodland wildlife, while Barlow is picked up by Zecora and brought back to her hut- you could even have her introduce him to Equestria in rhyming meter!

(Seriously, though- somebody do that. I've never seen Zecora given a good role in a HiE fic; this could actually be really cool)

>> No. 96037
OK, I got it. Not your idea exactly, but close enough that I'm adding your name to my thanks in my description. :)
>> No. 96049
Hey GV, I have a quick question for you.

I'm finishing up the first chapter of my 3-4 chapter fanfic, my first attempt. I'm just doing a little cleanup before I post it here to get it reviewed.

My question is that it will probably end up being a TOUCH over the length you want...just over 7,000 words, looks like. Can I still submit it to you to take a look at, or are you pretty strict with your word counter?
>> No. 96050
Hey BrianJ! I'll gladly take a look at your fic, but I have to warn you that it won't be much beyond a basic review- no line by line reviews for those fics that push the bar, sadly. It's not that I don't like them- I just literally don't have the time.

But send it down! I'll gladly take a look at it!
>> No. 96053
File 133393882002.png - (236.72KB , 900x900 , Cheerilee Flowers.png )
Good news, everyone...and by everyone, I mean GV! It came in at 6790! Certainly this a victory for good!


Title: Smiling Flowers
Author Name: TheBrianJ
Tags: [Slice-Of-Life] [Semi-Sad]
Characters: Cheerilee (Main Character), Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, CMC, Headmaster (OC) (Lesser roles)
Synopsis: For most ponies, their Cutie Mark represents the confirmation of their destiny and their special talent. But for Cheerilee, it represents something else...frustration, anxiety, and a secret she's found harder and harder to keep to herself. A story of discovering yourself and following your heart.
Length: 6790 words
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VjNVp9mkC2i0ZIuW3WrnmO0Gb0W55ASAgAN6DiYHRQY/edit

Additional Comments:
So this is "Chapter 1" of what will probably be a 3-4 chapter story, and features a few scenes, so you'll be reviewing everything written so far. While I labeled it as Semi-Sad, this particular chapter would get the entire [Sad] tag, as it's the saddest part of the story (if it makes you sad, don't worry, things pick up after this). The first half of this chapter (everything before Cheerilee leaves the school) is 2nd Draft (previously having been looked at by someone over in the Training Grounds), but everything after that is brand new World Premiere stuff.

This is my first attempt at an MLP Fanfic. Obviously I'd like to get it on EQD, but it's not a priority...for now, I just want to make sure it's looking good before I post it on FIMfiction.

Any and all feedback you could give me would be hugely appreciated. Thanks so much!
>> No. 96068
File 133394453800.jpg - (4.41KB , 263x192 , images.jpg )
Hey, Brian, and welcome to your review! I actually enjoyed your fic quite a bit- what's more, it let me try out a new system wherein I actually read through the fic fully before commenting, which was nice. It's always a good thing to have an immediately-readable fic show up in the queue. On the other hand, this story was far from perfect:

1.) Characters:

You did a LOT of Telling, Not Showing in this. As such, a lot of the time, the characters' dialogue and inner thoughts just felt...wooden. I couldn't even bring myself to care that much about Cheerilee's dilemna, as her internal monologue was just so blunt and emotionless (diction-wise and stylistically) that I just barely caught myself thinking "whatever".

Also, as I noted in the GDoc, the relationship between Twilight and Cheerilee came completely out of left field. Fix that up.

On the plus side, all the characters were (for the most part) completely IC, so kudos for that!

Rating: 2.5/5

2.) Plot:

I found this very interesting, and for the most part I think you did an admirable job of pulling off what you set out to do. Unfortunately, you very much hindered yourself with SDT issues (see above and below), so I'm going to have to knock you down a peg for that. The reveal at the end was particularly good, though.

Rating: 4/5

3.) Setting:

Ack. Almost no description of body language, and I didn't count a single time where you gave us an idea of where we were IC. Whenever you bothered, it was fine, but 90% of the time, you didn't bothered. Dialogue and internal monologue is fine- but that's not what makes a story. You need to set the scene as well, and you just didn't really do that.

Rating: 1/5

4.) Mechanics:

You had some issues, most notably with your possessive nouns and ellipses. There were also quite a few times when I noted that you could split a sentence in two for better readability. Still, I made it through without questioning your native language, so there's that.

Rating: 4/5

5.) Originality

This concept is really something that I think could shine. Not much else to say here- it really is a wonderful idea. All you need is to really go over this with a fine-toothed comb, as well as expand upon everything that I've noted. Show, don't tell!! Make us visualize what's going on! Give us reason to feel what Cheerilee is feeling- don't just tell us to!

Rating: 4.5/5

Total: 16/25

I really didn't like giving this fic such a low score, as I know it was very well done. However, I can't really justify giving you any better, as leaving out a whole part of writing technique (description and feeling) is a pretty bad crime in the realm of fictionwriting. I encourage you to go over this fic and take a good, long look at why didn't work and why. I hope my comments help in this direction!

Best of luck,
Golden Vision
>> No. 96070
File 133394591078.jpg - (134.02KB , 640x360 , Cheerilee Face.jpg )

Thanks so much for the review!

I'm really happy that you like the concept and overall story. I was worried that it would be too dramatic or not interesting, so it's nice to see at least one reader saying there is potential for a great story here. Means the world to me.

Over the years, I have learned that one of my strongest suits is dialogue writing, but it appears that in my work to make the characters in this story In-Character and keep the dialogue emotional, I ended up breaking the cardinal rule: SHOW, DON'T TELL!. Where I say something like "Cheerilee stumbled over her words, embarrassed at knowing she had failed one of her students", I can probably turn that into a simple few word sentence that conveys the very same message through body language and actions. I'll be taking the time to go through and working in what needs to be worked in - body language, actions that reflect emotions rather than WORDS reflecting emotions, etc etc. That's awesome advice, and I'm very happy you are hammering it home here, since it appears to be the biggest issue with the fic thus far.

As far as some of your smaller issues go, along with a few questions I have:

-Oh my sweet Celestia of Equestria, I had no idea I used ellipses that much until you pointed them out. Good lord, I seriously have enough dots to complete a full Pac-Man game. I can probably cut the number of uses of them by 3/4 and it would be more effective.

-Setting the scene with scenery descriptions and more actions to back up the dialogue will definitely help set the mood of the story.

-Very happy that you think everyone is In Character. That was big when I was writing the dialogue, sounds like I nailed it

-Did the character of Headmaster come across well? I hate, hate, HATE writing OCs, but I needed one to come in to really drive home the bad day. I'm worried he seems too one-dimensional...

-The Twilight/Cheerilee friendship most definitely could use a few sentences to describe WHY they're best friends instead of just holding up a sign that says "THEY'RE FRIENDS BTW".

-Glad to see you liked the reveal! I wanted it to be a powerful moment, seems like I accomplished that.

-When you say "WHAT HAPPENS NOW, AAAGH" at the end, are you saying "What happens now, I want to read more!" or are you saying "Why should I care about what happens now? Add something more to the end of the chapter!" Because depending on which you mean, there are two very different edits to be made there.

I know you said you didn't like giving the fic a low score, but I can't tell you how much I appreciate your honesty and your pinpointing exactly what I need to improve on. Looking at your scores, it sounds like the problem all stems back to SHOW DON'T TELL. I know for a fact that I can do that...it's just a matter of putting it down on paper.

Again, thank you so much for the review. At some point in the future I may return with another draft (if it's okay with you), but for now, I got some showing to do!
>> No. 96076
Open it yourself and click on the "Share" button on the top right. From there, it's pretty much explanatory. Just be sure it says "anyone can comment."

Synopsis and the beginning of the story will be my focus this revision. After that, it's going to Applejinx. Thanks again for your time.
>> No. 96078
File 133394814384.jpg - (223.13KB , 567x480 , just as planned.jpg )
Typical me. Delete my post just as soon as someone tells me how o do it right.
>> No. 96079
Well then, who do I type where it says "add people"?
>> No. 96081
File 133394917862.png - (162.29KB , 1920x1080 , rainbow dash sleeps.png )
Nevermind, I got it figured out finally! But i think I'll wait to post it till tomorrow. Even I need my sleep.
>> No. 96082
Hello there! Are you still open for reviews? I know I've already posted this fic, like, everywhere in various review threads, but I do want different opinions, and I'm also a really impatient person (meaning the waiting on all the different threads is killing me). Of course I'm willing to wait - I'm just gonna post this thing a darned lot all over the place.

Here we go!

Title: Harmonious Chaos

Author Name: Fox Scarlen

Tags: [Dark][Adventure] (I use Dark quite lightly in this sense - I just mean that it's darker than the source material)

Characters: The Mane Six, the princesses, the CMC, Derpy and the Doctor, OC villain.

Synopsis: When Celestia mysteriously falls ill, the ponies of Equestria are stunned. Knowing that alicorns don't fall sick naturally, the mane six are determined to find out what, or who, is causing this. As Twilight Sparkle sets off on her own to find a cure (with Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Spike secretly following), Luna struggles to rule Equestria without her sister by her side. Rarity starts pulling connections she'd made in Canterlot on previous visits to try and dig up any clues, and Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy return to Ponyville for more research.

Simultaneously, strange occurrences start to happen in Equestria, as Derpy and other Ponyville residents soon come to notice, and just where are the Cutie Mark Crusaders going this time? (Cutie Mark Crusaders Princess Savers, yeah!)

Meanwhile, deep within the depths of a forgotten mountain, an old enemy is stirring once more, his bonds finally weakening. With a dark chuckle, his plan, after millennia of waiting, is at last thrown into action.

Length: The first two chapters should fall neatly between the 6-7k range. If you'd like to read beyond that, I'd be more than ecstatic, but my request to you is the first two chapters.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15854/Harmonious-Chaos

If you choose to review this, then thank you very much!
>> No. 96093
Hey there, and I'm happy you enjoyed my review! My main issue with the end of the chapter was that it just trailed off- it just sort of ended. I was left scratching my heard and, for some reason, suddenly filled with apathy. I couldn't think of why them going into the forest or whatever was so important, and as the end of the scene coincided with the end of the chapter, I really felt like it had spoiled the mood. You did a great job setting it up- but the scene's ending almost took that away. If you're going to end it there, then I suggest you make it wrap up better (goodness, how many different ways can I say the same thing?). I'll gladly take another look at the ending and any revisions if you so desire, as well.

-Golden Vision
>> No. 96094
Ack, forgot to reply to your question 'bouts the Headmaster. Just a thought, but I think you could actually do more with him by making him somewhat sympathetic. A disappointed character is actually a lot more powerful than an angry one.

...And that's all I can write for now! My bus calls to me- I shall get to any other reviews once I get home (~3 PM EST).
>> No. 96110
File 133398930953.png - (349.22KB , 1283x1059 , 131966643238-51647_-_artist-ks4u_.png )
G'day, mate, and welcome to the Review Thread down unda! I'll be ya guide todays, so let's take anotha look here, eh guvna?

(Holy crap, how many offensive things did I just write? o_O If you all wish to beat my with a stick now, I won't object).

On to the review (which, again, will be a bit shorter than usual for reasons to be made clear below)!


1.) Characters:
You hit every single characterization that I saw spot-on, right on the nose. Twilight was perfect, the Mane Six were all completely IC, and I actually felt a chill down my spine when Celestia began to go amnesiac. Excellent, excellent, excellent.

Rating: 5/5

2.) Plot

If I were to look at what you've written so far, it looks great. Tight pacing, clear purpose- good job. However, I would suggest that you put the "evil chapter" (as I've mentally classified chapter 4) at the beginning, as a prologue- that way, you hook us in with intrigue, and then go into the real meat of the story. More on this below in Setting.

However, there was on big issue here. Nothing to do with what you gave me- instead, it had everything to do with what you plan to do. Simply put, after reading your synopsis, my eyes went derp. I had (and still have) no idea of how you plan to cram that much stuff into one fic. I really also suggest that you submit your synopsis to a synopsis review thread- we need a short tagline for your fic, NOT that summarizing monstrosity that I saw.

I would also suggest keeping the focus of this fic ONLY on the Mane Six, in order to keep a tighter pacing and plot throughout the story. If you must keep the CMCs, Derpy, and the Doctor, however, I can't stop you- but I would suggest that you read such works as Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time book series, as well as Ri2's Pokémon fanfic Brave New World for a better idea of how to write stories with multiple plotlines.

Rating: 4/5 (If you simplify your plot down)

3.) Setting

Ugh...this really did not work out for me. You did excellent work with scene introductions and body language, so no problem there, but there was gratuitous Telling throughout, especially in Twilight's internal monologue in Chapter 2 and the Villain Monologue in Chapter 4- the latter of these two was simply horrendous. Save the backstory for when he really appears; for now, keep him quiet, mysterious, and above all intimidating.

Rating: 3/5 (Your ability for descriptions saved your ass in this one)

4.) Mechanics

Impeccable; simply perfect. I think I only caught a single error, and there was little to no awkward phrasing throughout. This is why I didn't do a line-by-line: I didn't need to. If only more authors wrote like you.

Rating: 5/5

5.) Originality

I'm sure I've seen the basics of this idea somewhere before (I think it involved Diamond Dogs and mines, as well as a corporate suit), and I know for a fact that it involved Doctor Whooves- which may explain your insistence on adding his role as yet another plotline into an already-straining fic. Ancient Evil In A Can is a trope Older Than Dirt (as TVTropes would say), so you'll really need to do a lot more work to make your ideas stand out. I can tell that you really did put a lot of effort into this, though, so that helps.

Rating: 2/5 (And make sure that your villain isn't a Villain Sue, nor a boring Generic Evulz Guy).

Total: 19/25

Final Thoughts: This fic was really quite enjoyable to read- I actually sped through it on the bus this morning without even bothering to take any mental notes for this review. It's that good. It was readable, interesting, and well-developed. Your only issues lie in the (mainly stylistic and organizational) problems that I've outlined above. I suggest you take a good long look at your fic as it currently is planned, and decide what you need to keep and what plotlines you can cut out.

I welcome any responses you may have to this review, and hope you keep on writing!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 96111
File 133398947326.gif - (52.21KB , 360x360 , Twilight-clap.gif )
For all you review-starved writers out there, please note that (for the first time all weekend) the number of fics in my queue is now zero! Submit your fic and I'll get to it right away!

-Golden Vision
>> No. 96115
And ack, that should be 3/5 on Originality, not 2/5. So overall score of 20. My bad.
>> No. 96117
You seem an admirable chap. I only have a prologue, but any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Title: Ferrarity
Author: CloudCover
Tags: [Normal]
Characters: Rarity, Fancy Pants, Flim & Flam, Applejack, CMCs
Synopsis: The newest craze in locomotion is sweeping Equestria. 'Auto-carriages' are fast, efficient and ugly. So, so ugly. One unicorn will not stand for this crime against fabulosity!
1600 words.

Have (hopefully) fun!

>> No. 96119
File 133399219836.png - (225.79KB , 1613x678 , twilight reading.png )
Hello, Golden Vision, I heard that you are very good at reviewing stories. I have a story, or rather a chapter, I would like you to comment on. I plan on adjusting some things (like the title and some odd Zecora dialogue), but give me your opinion.
Title: Oppression is Magic
Author: InsterCleverNameHere
Tag: [Adventure]
Characters(as of Ch 1): Twilight Sparkle, Zecora, Spike, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy
Synopsis: tin the overall story, Twilight Sparkle hears a legend of a magical well fro Zecora. She accidentally finds it, falls in, and is taken to an alternate reality where Princess Celestia rules with an iron fist. Twilight must work together with her alternate reality friends to stop the tyrant Celestia and get Twilight home.

I'm trying to keep it from being a grimdark, so don't worry about that. If you still feel that you shouldnt read it, though dont be afraid to tell me. I dont want to impose.
>> No. 96120
Hi there! I just thought you should know I'm making huge progress on my new introduction for "As Time Goes On."


The basic premise is the same, but with this new intro, Twilight will be feeling a bit more sad before the party surprises her. I've also done more showing to illustrate how Twilight feels disconnected from her friends and fleshed out the party scene a little more.

I haven't yet finished the new intro and connected it to the original version, but I saw your queue is empty, so I thought I'd give you an update. Of course, I fully understand if you'd prefer to wait until the whole thing is finished before taking a look.

>> No. 96142
File 133400286892.jpg - (92.11KB , 469x700 , tumblr_lxl543GGxa1qkibivo1_500.jpg )
'Allo! Let's gather round and 'ave a fic review, shall we? Excellent.

(Line-by-line reviews are in the comments of the GDoc).


Overall Reaction:


1.) Characters:

Almost all of the characters felt very wooden to me throughout. I got almost no feeling for their inner thoughts, and Fancy Pants/Rarity- two characters that I feel have the potential to have quite a bit of depth to their characters- were almost completely (yet unintentionally) written off.

Your style with regards to your characters wasn't bad; it was just horrendously bland. Give us their thoughts. Give us their motivations. Make us care about their feelings. Give us some body language- which was a huge issue that you had, but I'll save it for Setting. Same with Show, Don't Tell. You had a really big problem with these two techniques, and I won't lie- they hurt you.

I'm letting you get away without a 1/5 if only because I felt that the dialogue itself was IC. I really want you to make sure that this is something that you look into and fix, because relatable characters are one of the most important things to have when writing a fanfiction.

Rating: 2/5

2.) Plot:

The overall idea is interesting enough. However, I have a few nitpicks (some of which I pointed out in my comments on the GDoc). First off, Flim & Flams' placement is awkward. I don't know if you plan to use them as antagonists, but it's too much like recycling an old villain regardless. I suggest replacing them with- possibly sympathetic- OC ponies, stat. I'm just wondering now if you planned to have them as competition for Rarity.


It's an interesting idea, but the way I see it going (as per the version you gave me) isn't a very good one. I suggest you do a nice long outline of where you want this story to go, make it clear in the synopsis, and fix up the characters to better fit with the concept. You essentially resolved your own synopsis by the end of the chapter- that's a no-go. You need to expand, hugely, all over

Another possibility (that you might want to take a look at, considering the picture), might be how Rarity's efforts and success affect her personal relationships or her public persona. *shrugs* Just a thought.

Rating: 1.5/5

3.) Setting

Oh, dear. Where do I begin? Well, to be perfectly honest, there's really only one place to begin- with the fact that I don't think I spotted a single setting description. The action was vague, the characters were unclear. there was a complete lack of "setting the scene" or any character body language, and what's more, your style was both choppy and confusing. I would move from one paragraph and be completely confused as to what was going on as you provided the reader with nearly no transitions anywhere in your piece. Please, please fix this, for your own good.

Rating: 1/5

4.) Mechanics:

Mostly okay. At least you proofread, thereby making it readable in the first place. I will have to dock you some points for the extreme- and often laughable- choppiness, however.

Rating: 4/5

5.) Originality:

It's a neat idea, overall, but I'll have to reserve my judgement for now. The Flim Flam Brothers do drag you down a bit, as they're basically recycled villains. In the meantime, I suggest you take a very close look at my recommendations in the way of plot, as otherwise you will end up with a very bland story.


Total: 11.5/25

Final Thoughts:
This story wasn't bad, not really. I really think it should be given a higher score, but definitely not above a 14. You have your work cut out for you, I think. If you have any other questions on my remarks, though, I'd be glad to answer them.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite Suggested?: Yes.

Best of luck,
-Golden Vision
>> No. 96143

Noted. Excellent analysis, I think you're right. I may change the whole "info-dump" thing and have information about Dawn revealed gradually, though I haven't decided. I didn't really want and info-dump, but the focus of the story isn't supposed to be exclusively on Dawn; rather, the focus is on what happened to Carrot Top and the other victims throughout the story, so I wanted to get the back story out of the way.

Also, mind games. This story will contain a significant amount of psychological interplay between Twilight and Celestia, which I'm extremely excited about (it's reminiscent of the interplay between L and Light in Death Note).
>> No. 96152
Thanks for the review. Absolutely fair, I've got a lot to do.

Quick question, you said the characters felt wooden. This is inexperience speaking, I suppose, but I can't seem to improve it. Should I give insights into thoughts, or is it a matter of dialogue?

Also, I had been planning on making the Flim Flam Brothers antagonists, or at least henchmen. With the expanded role, do you think it would still be better to use OCs?

>> No. 96154
File 133400719937.jpg - (91.65KB , 500x398 , 15359.jpg )
Mind games are indeed quite fun; however, they are difficult to pull off. If you're looking to take that particular angle, I recommend you read Death Note: Equestria to get a good idea of how to take care of that kind of plot, in the meantime. Good luck!
>> No. 96156
File 133400768445.png - (798.73KB , 1280x720 , Fancypants_and_Fleur_admire_Rarity-1-.png )
It's definitely not a matter of dialogue. That, at least, is fine as-is for the moment. Instead, you need to add in more body language- I believe that I put in an example with my comments that I might as well imitate here:

>>"Such a barbaric machine," Rarity said with a sniff, flipping her mane over her horn. "How could anyone stand to ride one?"

>>Fancy Pants smiled knowingly. "Ah, but they're quite fashionable nowadays."

>>Rarity rolled her eyes. "Of course they are, dear."

I also still don't really think that you should give the Flim Flam Brothers big roles- they have a special rivalry of sorts with the Apples, and they just seem somewhat out-of-place here. I'd imagine that their reputation has taken quite the hit as well by this point (like Trixie's has in fandom). So I'd still go with OCs.
>> No. 96163
First off – thank you so much! You got this review done far quicker than I had hoped, and for that, I’m really thankful. I’ve been wanting some honest-to-goodness critique for a long time now, and it’s great to finally get an opinion on this fic!

Going down the row in your review:

1). I…thank you. Thank you so much! I’m really happy I managed to keep them in character, and you have no idea how wonderful reading that made me feel.

2.) I’ve been considering moving chapter four to the beginning as a prologue for quite a length of time now. As soon as I wrote it and posted it, it just felt like it could have been positioned better at the beginning, so I’ll be sure to take your advice on that.

Yeah, I understand about the synopsis. I’ve been meaning to change that for some time now, but I haven’t yet figured out to word it. As for how I plan to cram all that into one fic – I’ve got an outline of around 60 chapters or so. I intended from the very beginning for this fic to be big, and I still intend it to be, whether I cut anything out or not. Also, there’s a synopsis review thread?! Anyway, I’ll be sure to get to work on cutting down the synopsis to a more manageable, and more appealing hook.

Now this, I’m not completely sure what to do on. When I first started planning this, I should mention that I was (and still am) heavily under the influence of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R.R. Martin, in which he has character chapters and a large cast to tell an epic story. I don’t /have/ to keep the CMC, Derpy, or the Doctor, but I still kind of want to. I’m willing to cut them out, though, but the CMC do have a big role with Fluttershy and Pinkie later down the road, as well as Rarity. (Actually, if you’d like, I can send you the outline I’ve made up so far. Each chapter has a brief blurb, and it’s VERY flexible in its current state, but I’d be more than happy to e-mail it to you and have you tell me what you think I should keep and what I can cut back on.)

3.) And now you’ve found my weakness. I’ve always, for some reason, struggled with the whole Show vs. Tell thing, and I’ve yet to find a completely clear example of this. If this isn’t too much to ask, could you point out some specific instances in my writing where I make this mistake? It would help me tremendously. I think I understand what to do for the villain chapter, but you have no idea how grateful I would be if you could point out some specific moments where I screw up. I’m sorry for asking this of you, but I struggle with this, and no one’s ever explained it to me beyond the basic ‘She ran home vs. *insert paragraph about detailed running and emotions here*’.

4.) Again, thank you! If you wouldn’t mind, though, (and if you still remember), can you tell me where that error was? I’d like to knock it out once and for all.

5.) I know exactly what you mean – I feel like I’ve seen the basics of this idea somewhere before. But still, I wanted to write it. I know it’s not terribly original, but I have developed it quite a bit. Nothing will be too much of a shocker in this fic – I know that. I’m not terribly creative, so yeah. I have no idea what fic you’re talking about with the Diamond Dogs, and honestly, I don’t intend to use the Doctor that much. In fact, he’s the least important of everyone, especially considering I’ve never seen Doctor Who. I just stuck him in as a partner for Derpy, though I’m sure that could easily be done with Carrot Top or someone, if I were to keep Derpy’s storyline in. (I’m a fan of the audio series Doctor Whooves and Assistant, so yeah. ^^; ) Again, if you’d like, I can send you the story outline I have so far. As for the villain, I’m working to flesh him out, and I think I’ve got a sound concept for him, but yeah, I know it’s been done to death. I’m glad that my effort’s showing, though, and I hope as the fic continues that I can make it interesting!

Again, I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to review this, and it means more than anything that you found the fic /enjoyable/! That’s the main purpose, above anything, and I’m glad I at least achieved that. I’ll be sure to look back over my fic, and I’ll get to work on changing that synopsis right away. Are there any final pieces of advice that you might be able to give me on what I can do to make this thing EQD ready?
>> No. 96164
File 133401140731.png - (538.90KB , 1280x720 , Sad_Twilight_D\'aww_S2E3.png )
Heya Fox! Here's your review reply reply.


I'd be more than happy to take a look at your outline, though something else that would be nice would be if you could send me a short character bio for each pony/etc that you plan to use in your fic (the major players, at least). In the meantime, I think you wanted specific examples of SDT?

>>Luna face scrunched up in thought as she tried to make sense of what the doctor had just relayed to her. "You mean this has gone on for a while?"
One way that you could reword this could be:
>>Luna's eyes narrowed. She swallowed and her brow creased with worry. She opened her mouth uncertainly. "You mean this has gone on for a while?"

This was also the site of one of the few typos that I noticed, so there- I fulfilled two of your requests at once! Have another example.


Huh, on second glance, I can't see much that was specifically Telling where you should have been Showing. However, there were plenty of instances where you Told us something that either we already knew, or was unneeded anyway. For example:

>>Pinkie gave them all a winning smile, starting to bounce slightly in her seat at the idea and excitement of a new adventure.

The first part, about Pinkie smiling, is okay. That's body language- that's fine. But we already know why she's happy. She's Pinkie, and she likes adventure. This is an instance wherein you added Show when it was clearly necessary, but then failed to remove the Tell. Here's another example:

>>Applejack said with a snort, still in disbelief at the sheer stupidity of the friend she’d always thought to be the smartest of them all.
We already know the point of the question AJ was asking, so it's a bit extraneous here to be saying her intent after the fact.

I'm also realizing that there's a lot less of these issues than I remember. Did you ninja in and change your fic around when I wasn't looking?

Anyways, send in your outline/bios, etc, and keep up the good work!

PS: I'll get to any waiting reviews by 11 PM EST tonight, if not sooner.
>> No. 96167

Awesome! And by short character bio, do you mean what they'll be doing in the story? Since we already know the characters, of course.

Thanks for pointing out the typo, as well as an example of SDT. I'll be sure to start rooting those out.

And okay, I understand where I added Telling unnecessarily. I'll be sure when I go back over these chapters again to look for that.

And haha, no, I haven't gone back and changed anything. ;P It's exactly the same as when you first read it.

I'll get on that outline first, and then I'll work on corrections to what I currently have. Thanks again!
>> No. 96177
Hello everyone. Just for reference, here is a lineup of my current queue:

1. Oppression is Magic (InsertCleverNameHere)
2. As Time Goes On (Nicholas Taylor)

I expect to have them finished within the next five hours (barring passing out from lack of sleep), so hold on tight and I'll get to you, no doubt. 

For anyone who's been wondering about my rating system, have a list!

1.  Horrible. I saw little to no work done in this area, and it's entirely possible that this made the work unreadable. You'd better get writing, and quickly. 

Laconic Version: Get your ass in gear

2. Bad. Just...bad. I'm not sure if you put much effort in here, and while it's not irredeemable, it's certainly not doing you any favors.  Fix it up, or your fic ain't going nowhere.

Laconic Version: Get back to work, Mr Squidward!

3. Okay. I can see this going somewhere. It's not perfect by any means, but it's perfectly reasonable and I can see that you made at least some effort. It needs a lot more work before it'll really be worth reading. 

Laconic Version: Meh. 

4. This is a good fic. I actually really did like this. It's got potential, pizzazz and even style. You just need a good reviewer to steer you in the right direction- you know, to iron out the kinks. Keep it up; you're rolling right along!

Laconic Version: G'job, mate. 

5. This is beautiful. Perfect, even. I can see something of this quality ending up on. Equestria Daily. Excellent work- I'll be tracking this. 

Laconic Version: Disregard canon, acquire fanfiction. 

FYI, also note that you can scale these up to match my Total Grades for reviews:

1 -> 1-5
2 -> 6-12
3 -> 13-18
4 -> 19-22
5 -> 23-25

Now, back to work for me!  I'll catch up with you all later tonight!
>> No. 96181

Yay! I can't wait. I only need a review of the first new chapter, unless you want to look at the whole thing again. I did make an addition to the party scene in the original version. The original story won't be changed much, it's just a matter of finishing the new intro leading and tying it to the original.
>> No. 96185
File 133401720968.jpg - (7.15KB , 225x225 , twilight claps.jpg )
Thank you for this! You're actually the first reviewer i've sent it to. Apologies for the shortness of it, I know its not much to go on.
>> No. 96198

Hey! Just to let you know, I have shot an e-mail your way, and I'm getting to work on the revisions. Also, I've whipped up a new synopsis that might work better than the old way. This one is more of a template to work off of, and is obviously going to be modified, but how does this sound in comparison to the old synopsis?

The day Celestia fell to her knees was the day Equestria stood still. As Luna struggles to rule by herself and take care of her ill sister, Twilight, on a hunch, ventures off into the mountains beyond Canterlot, friends’ misgivings or no. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Spike trail her as Rarity begins pulling connections in Canterlot to find some sort of clue behind the immortal being’s sickness. Meanwhile, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie return to Ponyville for further research, only to find that strange happenstances have set the town on edge. With no clue as to what, or who, is behind Princess Celestia’s sudden sickness, the mane six fight to discover the truth and save her, before it’s too late for the princess, and Equestria.'

And again and again, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to review this.
>> No. 96217
File 133402760669.gif - (270.40KB , 600x600 , B5TD.gif )
Hey Fox. I don't think I got your email- could you try sending it again? ([email protected])

Nick and CleverName, I'm starting your reviews now!
>> No. 96223

I've sent the e-mail again - hopefully it works this time. I wonder why it didn't get through before. If it still doesn't work, let me know.
>> No. 96231
File 133403050328.jpg - (51.88KB , 500x281 , tumblr_lths5jRxZu1qeuz19o1_500.jpg )
So! Here we are again- another review.

Leeroy Wingkins:
>>Let's DO THIS!


Line-by-line section

>>Just one more…and another…and another…and…
…This is your hook? I'm really sorry, but I've just started and already I want to stop reading. I don't know why I should be interested- your first sentence should be the hook that draws the reader in.

>>But then who would put the books back? She sighed, and returned to her labor of love.
Good for you, Twilight. You put those books back!

…Wait, you said this was supposed to be a story? I'm not sure why this whole section is here, then…

>>Go away, whoever it is, she thought to herself
You're supposed to use italics for thoughts (most commonly). Third person limited narration is okay, but it's obvious that that isn't what you're trying to do here. So, this should be: Go away, whoever it is. Twilight thought.

And another thing! (I seem to do this a lot). I need more body language! You're okay, here and there, but something that would really make this passage stand out (that I totally didn't pick out completely randomly) might be adding something like this:
>>Go away, whoever you are, Twilight thought, grumbling in her sleep and shifting slightly on her chair.


>>Spike looked at her with a hint of fear.
Why's he afraid? This just seems weird.

>>My faithful student, Twilight,
I'm not even going to bother to copypasta the whole letter, because if I'm going to be perfectly honest (and be warned; I'm channeling Umbra here), I would say this.

This is horribly contrived, and more than somewhat irritating.

Now let's get down to why.

When I read the description, I thought that this had the potential to be interesting. Tyrantlestia's been done, but Zecora had the potential to spice it up.

And now you've gone and made Zecora into a MacGuffin.

And worse: for a problem that you didn't even mention in the synopsis, and that likely will never be mentioned again. It is, in short, a badly thought-out and ultimately meaningless quest hook.

(If any of you writers play or GM D&D, you will understand me when I say that 90% of all quest hooks are like this. That's okay- in an RPG. Not in fiction writing.)

I'm not even going to bother the reasons why I don't think Celestia feels frantic enough, why there are huge plot holes in this whole thing (aren't there doctors or healing mages in Canterlot?), or why this whole thing just seems weird and OOC. So I won't. So there.

>>Twilight lowered the letter, and proceeded to panic.

If you want an example of how to do this, scroll up to some of my other reviews. Most writers have this problem, and it's perfectly okay. But, a fic which has this problem in spades (as yours does) can get very annoying, very quickly.

>>Twilight began to compose herself.

>>“Oh no, Spike. If I go and see Zecora, then who is going to sort all these books?”
…Why the buck does Twilight care about books when there's a Luna-damned [size=24]PLAGUE[/size=24] going around Equestria? GET YOUR PRIORITIES SORTED, MARE.

((And then make me a sammich.))

>>“Taking  a walk in the Everfree Forest is one thing…” Spike mumbled as he went to find the ladder.
Why would Spike want to do this? Last I checked (S1E24), he was HORRIBLY MENTALLY, AND ALMOST PHYSICALLY SCARRED BY GOING TO THE EVERFREE.

Ladeeda- TYPO.

>>Zecora’s house began to appear in the distance.
No. Okay? No. THIS IS NOT OKAY. SDT in simple dialogue, I can almost deal with. *twitch* But this is a complete scene transition, without a transition.

Or even a simple line break.


>>“Good morning, Zecora.” she said. “I was wondering if I could talk to you about something. It’s of grave importance.”
Applejack Voice Engaged: "Well, howdy Twi- but are ya sure it's important? Ya don't sound too worried ta me."

Twilight: "Well, I know that there's a horrible disease going around Canterlot, but I just couldn't possibly do anything about it until I re-organized my bookshelves.

Granny Smith: "Makes sense to me!"

>>“This is an old tale that was told in my native home. It is the tale of the Ancient Well of Equestria, so I’m told.”



This is literally out of nowhere- suddenly, you're dislodging your own "plot" to segue into something that better fits the synopsis that you wrote out. Here's the poor reader, going along patiently with this "disease" problem. He stumbled a bit over the story description, but he's okay now.


See that? You just ran over him with a freight train.

>>"I'm okay."

Shut up, no you're not.

Anyways, there are far better ways to introduce the Phlebotinum of your story than this. What's more, the entire hook is extraneous and, quite frankly, bogs down your story and then switches tracks before the reader even knows what the heck is going on.

>>“No, young one. If a well of that much power existed, then there would be hundreds of young fillies looking for it for fun!”
Methinks that there'd be more than just fillies- try "scientists", "mages", and "tourists".

>>Is it possible for such a well to exist?
It's a story.

Twilight's read stories before.

The only place in canon where you could find support for Twilight reading and believing something immediately was NMM, but even then it was clear that she thought that her book was a legitimate source. Here, it's literally on the same level as a nursery rhyme, and Zecora- someone she fully trusts- has just told her not to take it seriously. Sorry, but I'm not buying it.

>>She would need to ask the princess at a later date...

Er, whoops. I mean, the gonhorrhea/flu/Cutie Pox epidemic. My bad.

*coughs awkwardly*

>>She eyed the sky looking for the source when Rainbow Dash flew above her with Fluttershy just behind.
Horribly awkward and choppy character introductions. Where did they come from? How is this making sense? Are you just throwing characters at the wall to see if they stick?

>>“Oh but...” Twilight knew that she had to get Zecora to Canterlot as soon as possible. How could she help them both?
Fluttershy's a grown-up Staremaster, Twilight. She'll be okay. Maybe first you should deal with the BREAKOUT OF CONTAGIOUS CANCER.

I mean, whatever's going on in Canterlot. Nothing important, I'm sure.

>>“Nonsense!” Rainbow Dash responded. “Twilight, Fluttershy’s chickens got out of their pen! We’ve been searching all morning!”
No. You wouldn't.

>>Twilight, you search the rest of the Everfree Forest.”
You wouldn't dare.

>>She looked around and, sure enough, there was a chicken just by her.
“There you are! You know how long I have been looking for you?”
She walked up to it, but the chicken clucked once, and ran off.

>>Twilight ran after it, but the thick foliage got in her way. Eventually, the clucking became softer and less distinct. She tried to hurry as to not lose it. She then saw light ahead.
You just copied the entire scene in "The Staremaster" by replacing the CMCs with Twilight.

…Do you see this? This is my right hand, Mr. Happy.

And Mr. Happy is not very happy at the moment. In fact, he is wrist-deep into my computer screen, and I'm using a laptop right now. In fact, I've had to telepathically send it to you because I'm too occupied shrieking in rage at my monitor.

((Okay, maybe that's a little harsh. But you NEVER- and I mean NEVER- use a scene from the show. Maybe it wasn't intentional. But that doesn't come close to excusing it.))

>>How could she be so blind as to not make a note of where she was going.
Question mark this bitch.


>>As she got closer, though, she saw that it was a deep pit.

Oh Celestia, you really did it. You told her a story, had her idly wonder about it, and then had her find the subject of the story not three hundred words later.

Isn't this like half an hour from Zecora's house, if that? Why the bloody hay hasn't she found this before? Is it (wait for it) MAGIKAL?

Seriously; this is horribly contrived. If Twilight was actively searching for it, and managed to find it because she's Celestia's student and awesome like that, and had to break through ancient enchantment wards or something to do it, all while Guile's Theme plays in the background, THEN I would be okay with this.

But right now, I'm not. It's not even anywhere close.

>>Fearful of her ultimate fate, Twilight closed her eyes, and braced herself for whatever she will see after all was said and done.
Ya know…I totally forgot what was supposed to happen with the well at this point. Was it some kind of wishing well? I mean, it's obvious from the synopsis that it's some kind of Portal Stone, but we shouldn't be getting our plot information primarily from the bloody fic description.

Onto the overall reaction/analyzation:


Characters: 1/5

Your characters didn't hit home with me; not once. At no point did I care about Twilight, or Celestia, or Zecora. At times, I found myself completely angered by their utter apathy or silliness. The dialogue was hollow, Twilight was completely OOC…I could go on, but most of my rant on the topic is posted above.

Plot: 1/5

This was bad. Really bad. Horrifically terribly bad, even. I see no fewer than three separate plots in this prologue alone- two of which weren't even in the synopsis, and which I suspect will never show up again- and you handled them definitively badly. I really just don't care what happens to Twilight at this point, nor do I care about the damn chicken. Heck, I don't even care about Canterlot anymore- it's not like you pushed it aside the second Twilight finished reading the letter in favor of more interesting things. [/sarcasm]

Setting: 2/5

You did have the occasional point of effort where you did manage to describe something- say, the well scene at the end. But there was a complete lack of scene transitions, a horrendous Show to Tell ratio, and barely any body language to be found. This isn't just a stylistic issue- it's a writing mandate. Give us something to see, not just empty dialogue by OOC characters.

Mechanics: 4/5


((If you hadn't, I'd have rejected this out of hand. Lucky you.))

Originality: 1/5

I was going to give you 2/5 for at least having Zecora in this story, but as I said before Tyrantlestia's been done to death (I forget the name, but there's a very good fic up already wherein Twilight teleports with Celestia to another world. The two team up with the Mane 6's rebellion and it segues from there), and you also used a scene from the show itself. That's really quite unforgivable, I'm afraid.

Total: 9/25

Final Thoughts:

Ouch. That's the lowest score I've given out to date. I actually really feel bad, now, coming down off of that ranting high, but I really can't say that it was unjustified. You need to do a lot more work if you want this story to do well. I wouldn't object to helping you along the way- if you have another draft, then I'll help you in a heartbeat. For now, though, the revisions are in your hands. In the meantime, here's a general list of ponderings and other suggestions.

1.) Get rid of the entirety of the chicken/disease "plots". They're useless, unneeded, and, quite frankly, annoyingly distracting from what I wanted out of this fic.
2.) Give us a Twilight that we can feel and relate to. Twilight studies. She's academic. She loves her friends, but can be a bit OCD at times. I got none of that from your Twilight- except perhaps the OCD, and even then, only for the fact that she seems to take organizing bookshelves and finding lost chickens very seriously. Nuh-uh. Not cool.
3.) Make the actual plot line more central. The prologue is meant to do one thing, and one thing alone- it draws the reader in, and sets the basis for why you're writing this story. Is it a story that needs to be told? Okay; make us see why. You need to do a lot more work on the whole "Well" idea which, while not bad by itself, is horribly executed here.

Here's an idea:
Twilight does some research on her own time, and manages to find a passing reference on the Well in a footnote of the book that held the prophecy to NMM. Intrigued, she goes to her friends (Fluttershy? This would be a good way to bring her in), who tell her that it probably isn't important. In the meantime, while Twilight does more research, she catches the eye of the spirit of NMM- exorcised, but not fully destroyed.

Twilight plans to stage an expedition through the Everfree to find the Well, and manages to recruit Zecora for guidance, as well as drag RD along for overhead surveillance. The group reaches the ruins holding the well in a section of the forest that Zecora may or may not already know. There, cue ancient native magical wards/defenses/etc that mainly consist of NMM springing old traps on them until they reach the Well. From here, they're backed up into a tight corner, and you finally have a good reason for them to jump into the Well. NMM comes along for the ride, and now you have a canon!NMM/Tyrantlestia alliance as a possibility. Now there's something new- not to mention that Zecora Makes Everything Better (and 20% Rhymier!).

I'm not saying that you should adopt this plot line (that I just randomly made up). In fact, you shouldn't. But as it is now, your story needs a LOT of work. I suggest you go into seclusion for a little while, brainstorm exactly what kind of story you want to tell, and then start from scratch. I think that you have the potential to do really well as a writer- I just think that you're probably inexperienced and relatively new to the whole shebang. No worries. You'll grow into it.

Some minor things that I noticed throughout were some issues with too many ellipses, awkward phrasing, and so on. But because I'm suggesting a complete rewrite, I won't go there for now.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite Suggested?: Yes (Full)

I'm here if you need me- or if you want to thank me, insult me, or any of the above. I gave this much attention to your fic because I really want to see it do well, and in the end, isn't that what all critics really want? I really hope that this doesn't discourage you, and that you come raring back in a few weeks ready with a new draft, ready to kick some flank!

Best of luck!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 96233
Email's good. I'll get to you right after Nick, if that's alright.
>> No. 96235

Awesome! I look forward to it, and I apologize in advance for the terrible (and unreadable) outline. It really is just me shoving thoughts on paper for future reference, and little more. *shrugs* Eh.

Thanks again!
>> No. 96247
File 133403369166.png - (367.54KB , 1920x1080 , psuedo_commission__sleeping_dr__whooves_by_melionos-d4iesww.png )
Taken care of over GDocs. You're quite fun to chat with online :P

Take care with those revisions, mmkay?
>> No. 96260

You too! Thanks for stomping all over my hopes and dreams :P

I'm still thinking over your points, and I copied our conversation down so I can review your advice. Thanks again for all the help. Look forward to chatting again soon!
>> No. 96286
Hey! So I took your advice and overhauled my story. I'm not asking for a review in total. Just if you get the chance, let me know if you think this flows better.

>> No. 96360
File 133407419745.png - (122.94KB , 833x959 , rainbow dash thinking.png )
Thanks for taking the time to read my story. You're right in saying that I'm new to the fanfic scene, so I wasn't expecting glowing praise or anything. I will for sure be starting from scratch. Although, being new to this, I didnt actually know that the Tyrant-thing had been done to death, or that I was subconsciously copying from the show. (I also hadnt seen that episode with Spike in the Everfree Forest yet). I'm just thankful someone caught my poor story before I made a fool of myself on, say, Equestria Daily, or something.
>> No. 96374
File 133408462027.png - (33.46KB , 250x244 , doctor_whooves_hourglass_8568.png )

It's no problem! I actually really enjoy seeing new writers start out- an editor gets the same warm feeling when seeing that as a science teacher does when high school students start asking the right questions. I have no doubt that you'll be on the right track soon enough.

Not knowing about the TyrantLestia thing is perfectly alright, though keep in mind that I did say that you might actually be able to create new take on it. It's just a matter of how much thought you put into your rewrite, and again, I'm confident that you can pull it off.

I'm perfectly happy to catch your "improvements-needed" stories before they go anywhere you don't want them to. After all, isn't that what editors are for?
>> No. 96375
Well, it does flow much better now, I believe (in terms of narrative alone). Something that you now need to do, however, is give us more background on Pomeroy near the beginning.

Being in a car chase is fine. Having the two characters suddenly start talking about a third that we haven't heard about isn't. I'm not going to do a full outline on how to fix this, but I'm sure you can come up with something.

Good luck!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 96376
File 133408516562.png - (125.56KB , 824x969 , dr__whooves_by_moongazeponies-d45pgam.png )
Attention Ponychan /fic/! My queue is currently completely empty! So come on in with your fics, your stories, and your drabbles- I'll gladly take a look at 'em, and have them done quickly besides!**

-Golden Vision

**This message has been sponsored by Flim & Flam Cider Industries. No copyright infringement intended. Results may vary.
>> No. 96382
File 133409129226.png - (166.08KB , 900x711 , fluttershy thinks.png )
I've been thinking of maybe ditching the well story and coming up with something a little more original(of course I may come back to it later). The spirit of Nightmare Moon thing is pretty interesting, now that you bring it up. Am I right in assuming that stories of NMM's return are fairly common? I would think so...
>> No. 96391
Ooh, a fresh and empty queue. "Pity" my story is already being reviewed. I'd post it here (the more, the merrier) since I've been seen you working fast, but I consider such an act thoughtless.

So I'll wait until my reviewer has finished and then drop this here.
>> No. 96393
File 133409361870.png - (1.98MB , 1600x889 , Past Sins Smaller.png )
NMM's return is something that changes with each writer. Unlike Tyrant!Celestia (which always has to do with Alternate Universes), NMM is a much broader topic. For examples, you can look at such works as Past Sins to get an idea of how it can be handled. There's plenty of room for originality here, though, so if you want to move in this direction instead, I won't stop you.
>> No. 96394
Since your queue is empty, I'd like to hear your advice. As it stands, I just stuck in some expository dialogue between Barlow and Schaffer.

"Are you ser- Hey! HPD coming through, jackass!!" Schaffer screamed through the closed window as he narrowly avoided the back end of a pickup truck. The maneuver over, he spoke softly again. "My point is why is the most prolific serial killer in American histroy suddenly moving on to petty theft and kidnapping?"
"Maybe he got bored, I don't know, Al."
"Rob, over a hundred bodies in two years, and now he gets bored? This whole thing is about as fishy as a mermaid's crotch!"

I think it sounds clunky, but I'm at a loss as to how else to do it. I'm wary of adding another scene, because I think it would detract from the overall pace of the chapter.
>> No. 96397
I actually think this sounds fine. I said it aloud, and it didn't seem clunky at all. Maybe it's just me.
>> No. 96414
>sees the queue still empty

So I finished chapter two, and it's ready for the once over.

Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, Human
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria and decides to share his "work" with a world that has not known violence like that in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this psychopath no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

>> No. 96429
File 133410820830.png - (109.52KB , 344x343 , e37fe583f69e7719b2b34e0353b017e00aca777a.png )
I'd read it...but you need to share it first.
>> No. 96432
Hey GV, a quick question.

I'm going through my story and working on what you said.

Would it be ok if I sent you a brief snippet to look over to see if I'm getting what you're suggesting?

The snippet would be no more than, like, 500 words max.
>> No. 96434
File 133410870218.gif - (40.78KB , 548x400 , derpy2.gif )
Dang it! You know, this is the fourth or fifth fic I've had reviewed, and I've done that EVERY TIME!

I suck at this...

It's shared. :)
>> No. 96438
Snippet? Sure.

Also, empty queue is empty D=
>> No. 96459
File 133411248424.png - (75.61KB , 387x466 , hipster_derpy_by_blackfeathr-d3i8qgp (1).png )
Nuki, I would thank you to remove your post and to place the story in a Google Doc, with comments and viewing enabled. I will review your story once you have done your part to keep this thread clean.
>> No. 96460
Chapter 1 revised


Title: That Shrinking Feeling
Author Name: Professor Blue
Tags: little big adventure, fun
Characters: Rarity, Fluttershy, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash
Synopsis: Twilight accidentally all her friends to an inch
Chapter 1 (v 1.1), Chapter 2 underway but not public
Each chapter will be of relatively equal length.
Length: ~3900 words

Improvements: Discretionary following of all your provided critiques, added angry response by Rainbow Dash, Justification for mis-spell added, latin spells removed. +400 words

I'm such a brilliant writer that I can quote Avatar: The Last Airbender without even being aware that I did it!
Because I have no idea what Sokka quote you are indicating! :D
I in fact don't even watch the show- what little I know is through hearsay of my sister, and even then I've only been exposed to a handful of episodes.

That said, I would like to respond to a few of your critiques.
Firstly, thank you.

I will attempt to improve, however character response being "mechanical" is the most prevalent revealation that I believe am bad with characterization. It is why I avoid shipping (among other reasons), which leads to my next point.

The detected suspected shipping foreshadowing that is present in both Rarity's dialogue and in the chapter title are the most visible parts of a little experiment I am conducting through my story.
Except perhaps experiment is the wrong word. Tease is better.
The point is to give some kind of long-going inference that there may be some kind of light comedic shipping somewhere in the story, but never will be. The chagrin you may be feeling at that is the reason why I wrote it that way- to spite the notion of shipping, and your annoyance whatever that may be, is my personal reward for doing so. *trollface.jpg*
You are free to explain why I should remove that- yourself being far more well-read in regards to what fan fiction readers want and feel about these sorts of things is probably far more gainly advice than my own personal fancies in pestering shippers.

The plot juncture was clarified- Wizzawink was horrible with a quill, and Twilight has not [yet] taken the time to transcribe his work into a more orderly collection. Therefore a misread spell would be easier to implicate.

Thank you for your praise of my ability to describe setting.

Although I am aware that reading to yourself aloud is a great way to edit yourself in terms of diction and prose flow, for better or worse my main inspirations of late are C.S. Lewis and G.K. Chesterton. Both of whom are authors who are very much early 20th century writers, very British and very unique in their narrative methodology. I am not so pretentious to say that I emulate their style with any notable amount of capability or skill, but only indicative that their influence will likely be inextricable throughout- for better or worse. I daresay that I do not think I can approach my creativity with caution nor be able to filter out what you may deem to be 'awkward wording' even after repeated attempts to smooth out my wording. I do not imagine that you want to or intend to analyze every version of every chapter until the whole thing reads as smooth as Stephen King describing a powdered baby's bottom, but perhaps such eccentricity does not need to be stamped out with prejudice.

I never wanted to make an epic and indeed not every story should be an epic. Is The Borrower Arietty an epic? I should think not. But even so, God help me I am going to have fun making this story because I wanted to, and God bless you, you get to watch it happen. Then again it's your prerogative to enjoy it or think it's a sodding mess that only I'd enjoy, or somewhere between.

As per the repeated usage of hyphens to begin sentences, I was not aware that it was against grammatical correctness. You learn things every day.
As per the repeated usage of commas to end dialogue, I was under the impression that commas notated a certain amount of linguistic flow that could infer how someone could be interrupted or "run on" into the beginning of someone Else's speech. This also applied to using hyphens at the beginning of sentences- someone interrupting themselves, as if they started their next statement following a sharp breath. -Like so. But apparently again, this is wrong so I thank you for pointing it out.

And as always, spell chequing is of the utmost impotence, or else we will all end up popping in pubic washrooms.
>> No. 96475
Hey 'ere reviewers; I just need some elp with my fic here, cause EqD said so...yeah

Thank yah kindly
>> No. 96476
Sorry, I should have realized to post just a link, but I don't normally use this board.

The Colt who would be Prince.
By Nuki Mouse
Humor, Romance.
Prince Blue Blood, OC, Rarity
The Gala as seen through Blue Blood's eyes.
Unfortuately, he realizes he may have misjudged a certain unicorn mare.

>> No. 96479
Heyyy, I don't know if this fic was put up for review so ahl just go at it again.

[sad][random][slice of life]
Doctor whooves/ Dinky Whooves
Dr. Whooves is experiencing the newest threat to his sanity; Fatherhood.
~5,705 words so far

>> No. 96480
sorry ah did post twice.
>> No. 96527
Hello again! Perhaps you wouldn't mind doing a formal review of what you read last night? I broke off the chapter and turned it into its own story.

Title: First Dawn
[Sad] [Tragedy] [Slice of Life]
Synopsis: There was once a time when Celestia's rule was in its infancy. Thrust into power after her miracle of raising the sun, Celestia deals with the luxuries and responsibilities of being a ruler. After she loses control of her power, resulting in a national tragedy, she begins to wonder just what it means to be a leader with no one and nothing to answer to.

Characters: Luna, Celestia (although Luna hasn't showed up yet in chapter one)

About 3000 words so far.

Thanks :)
>> No. 96529

Whoops, here's the link:

>> No. 96588
Hey, GV, I'm slightly conufzzled. Did you look at my story? A guy named anime110 commented on it a little. Was that you? Or am I just an impatient douche?
>> No. 96590
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That would be me- check out my email.
>> No. 96594
Ah-ha. Gotcha. Sorry, I didn't see a review posted here, so my bad. :)
>> No. 96603
I've already reposted my story as a google doc, but i wanted to add that I allowed editing w/o logging in for the link so you can just add your comments directly to my story.

Plus my e-mail is on the header is you prefer that.

>> No. 96611
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Have I noted yet that your review review was actually quite intimidating to get to? Either you're the classiest writer I've ever reviewed for (perfectly likely), or the sassiest/most sarcastic. Still, you did have some very good insights and seemed to take everything in good humor (always something a reviewer appreciates in a writer), which is awesome. So, then- on to Review 2.0!


>>Rarity had a sudden interest in butterflies.
This is really quite sudden.  It doesn't do much to introduce us to the scene, and what's more, it's really quite uncomfortable in terms of showing versus telling.  I would actually recommend that you cut out the whole first descriptive paragraph and just open up with Rarity and Fluttershy's conversation.  This would do a lot more to draw the reader into the story without leaving them feeling too awkward.

>>“You mean all those disgusting fuzzy worms on the plants are actually unhatched butterflies? Ugh! Blech!” regarded Rarity.
I'm not sure if you can use "regarded" as a 'speaking' verb. Perhaps replace it with the standard "said Rarity", and add in some body language that emphasizes her tone.  "...said Rarity, sniffing and tossing her mane in contempt."

>>“Speaking of things in unexpected places.” said Rarity, pleasantly surprised by the bramble, decorated by a blue pegasus popping out.
This is really just awkward phrasing. What's decorated by the pegasus? Why is she happily surprised by the bramble? (Must…not…think…dirty thoughts…). And so on. You can say that she was happily surprised, and then in the next sentence say that RD popped out of the brambles. Much less awkward.

>>Rainbow Dash was rather indifferent to the matter of the fluttery insect, but she'd suffered worse during the Butterfly Migration- Fluttershy's adoration for the bugs hadn't rubbed off on her one bit.
This is…pretty bad Show, Don't Tell. If she's indifferent, tell us through tone, body language, or dialogue subtext- not through outright telling us that she's bored.

>>Twilight looked away from her scroll and  seemed to swing her view, as if she had a hard time looking at something only about five feet to the right.
I'm…not really sure why the second part of this sentence is here. Maybe I'm just bad at visualizing, but I'm not sure why she would be having this difficulty. Plus, the fact that the last bit is so much longer than each segment before it just makes the whole thing awkward. I'd suggest re-organizing this paragraph, if not just rewriting the sentence a bit.

(Reading on, I can see why she had this problem, but it's not clear to the reader. Just say she was squinting and leave it at that.)

>>Check this out.” said Twilight,
Typo. Plus, you really should just make the next bit its own sentence for cleanliness's sake.

>>“That’s cool.  We’re headed to Skipper Meadows, maybe you’d like to come along. I want to try and copy some moves off of a harrier.”
Rainbow Dash body language please. Something magicky just happened- is she impressed? Bored? Impatient? This sentence comes quite out of nowhere (tone and dialogue-wise), so it's confusing for the reader in terms of the sudden transition.

>>“Rainbow Dash, down here, I got a spell for that.” said Twilight.
*adjusts hipster glasses*

I believe you mean "I have a spell for that." Seeing as Twilight, y'know, doesn't speak like Applejack.

>>With an energetic swirl that shot through the air and arced at the bodies of each of her friends, they all instantly shrank like popped balloons, each to the size of a marble, midair.
I still really think you should expand this. Even if it's just giving us an idea of what it felt like- the actual process, on the inside- before the shrinking occurred, that give the readers more of an insight on what just happened. Instead, it's quite the abrupt transition.

>>They all commented on the change of the pasture suddenly becoming so vast to their eyes.
Still think this is awkward and unnecessary, though if you really don't want to get rid of it, I suppose I can't force you.

>>“To the Library!”
FYI, this is the Sokka quote I was talking about.


Definitely some improvements; I just think you need to fix up some mechanical/structural issues. Just off the top of my head, I'd give you a 20.5 out of 25. It's good— I can't spot any other obvious issues (besides transitions and flow)— but it still feels like something's missing. I'd take it to another pre-reader at this point. I've looked at it twice already, so it'd be a good idea to get a fresh opinion.

As for it not being an epic- hey! Writing's not about doing the "Harry Potter" thing. It's about doing what you love, and you're certainly doing that admirably! I salute you, good sir.

Keep up the good work!

PS: I have no problem whatsoever with the tease!shipping. I was just a bit confused, is all.
>> No. 96624
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Hello, there! I see you happen to live Doctor Whooves (almost) as much as I do! Excellent! This should be a fun ride!



…Better retract that, because it's looking more like I'm going to have to "Geronimo" down here. Hrm. I noticed quite a few things that I took issue with, so I'm going to just tell you what they were and give an example. If you have any questions or issues, then by all means reply to me with them and I'll gladly answer them for you.

1.) I found myself confused quite a few times while reading the first chapter. This included, first off, the opening narration (where I wasn't quite sure what was going on, or what the setting was- not that it's bad, just that it's awkwardly placed/begun). An intro is fine, but you need to make it clearer to the reader that this is meant to be a testimony of sorts- whether by opening in a setting of an empty room with a television playing, or by having the Doctor tell his story to his grandchildren or his next companion(s). My first reaction to your fic was, quite bluntly: "Huh? Recording? I'm not watching any damn recording."

2.) I'll be honest- I didn't like the flashback. Not because of its placement or transition, but because it was a flashback at all. I see no reason why you couldn't have just started with the wedding and pushed off the "reflection" moment till later, if not deleting it entirely. Something that I would also have liked to see— before the wedding, mind you, and not as a flashback— would have been the Doctor and Derpy really getting to know each other (most notably Dinky getting to know the Doctor as well) in order to have some real sense of immersion before we get to the plot itself.

3.) Why is Celestia announcing their wedding? That is all.

4.) I never really got why Dinky didn't like the Doctor. From what I pieced together, her dead left them, and she thought that the Doctor would make Derpy leave her muffin. Or something. Kids playing with their dolls don't make the best narrative devices. Instead, to clarify the issue, put in a direct scene (before the wedding, even?) where Dinky outright states that she doesn't like the Doctor. If anything, I'd prefer if you resolved this chapter's whole plot before the wedding, if only because nobody I can think of would ever marry someone whose children hated them- not without making an effort to really bond, first.

5.) I really didn't get any feel for the Doctor here. I felt an OC pony being overemotional, yes, but nothing of THE Doctor— you know, the one that you tried to introduce with the intro narration. The Doctor's wacky; he's fun-loving; he's the guy who wouldn't stop trying to get Dinky laugh for three days until she finally cracked. And I don't really see any of that Doctor here. Watch some Doctor Who, or even Doctor Whooves and Assistant/Doctor Whooves Radio Show- whatever. Just help yourself get into that mindset, because I'm not seeing any of it here right now.

6.) Dinky, if anything, just came off as REALLY creepy during the toy scene. When Whooves backed away, I pictured it more as a scene from The Ring than some romantic comedy (or tragedy).

7.) I had no idea what was going on with the photo album. My first thought was that Whooves, being the Doctor, had literally traveled back in time to make himself Dinky's father even before their marriage (in a certain timeline), and that was why he could "see" himself in the pictures. I can kind of get what you're trying to write her (intent-wise), but you really need to clean this up.

8.) I didn't like the song. I'm sorry, but not only are songfics not really my thing (though I can accept them once in a while), but also this just hit me the wrong way. This is the Doctor. He's not going to be singing 21st century pop songs in an effort to cheer up the sleeping filly. He's going to be making random banana explosions, and giving her alien candy, and very much NOT turning something I'd hear on the radio into a cheesy moment of "d'aww" (notice the quotation marks). It not only degrades your fic (for showcasing your favorite song rather than actually advancing the story), but it also both turns off the reader and lessens your portrayal of the Doctor.

9.) The Dinky change was…sudden. There's really no other way to put it. One minute she hates him, the next he's singing a song and everything is okay. No. See above— this chapter/conflict would be much more satisfying if the Doctor had to fight for Dinky's approval, and in a positive way, rather than the angsy, OOC-filled one he's using now.

10.) You used ellipses WAY too much. In thoughts, in sentences, in dialogue— you really need to cut down on them.

11.) There was very little awkward phrasing, but there was a heck of a lot of Show, Don't Tell going on. For example:
>>Whooves was crying into the album...He now realized deep down that he wanted that connection again, but he probably would never have it.
This isn't good for two reasons. First, you just tell us that he's suddenly, crying, without any lead-up to the fact. Is he sobbing quietly? Is he wracked with grief, rolling around on the floor? Where's the transition?

Furthermore, in terms of the second part, this is a very grave error that is nonetheless common amongst writers (even including myself on occasion). Instead of having Whooves angst about not having that "connection", make it clear to the audience without shoving his internal monologue in our faces. Have Dinky scream that "[He'll] never be [her] real Daddy," or something after he goes one step too far in trying to win her over. The Doctor's weird; he doesn't always get people. Having him misread Dinky, thereby leading to a confrontation, would not only be a much-needed expansion to your story and ideas, but also a wonderful way to illustrate the problem to us without directly telling us.


I'm wondering if I should continue reading onto the second chapter, because these all could be fairly overarching issues that could well carry over to other parts of writing—

Oh, screw it. I'll be fair. I'll try to read that these chapters too.

>>Chapter 2
The Doctor still seems overly sappy to me. Furthermore, there are some awkward bits in narrative such as:
> He didn't want to pry, but hay, it's sort of his job now.
I also would have liked more normal interaction between Dinky and the Doctor (rather than just springing a random "problem" plot on us). Mostly because it just makes me think "GAH MOAR ANGST."

>>Chapter 3
I really felt no emotional connection to the Diamond Tiara incident at all. It just sort of…happened. To fix this, I'd suggest playing up the idea of the Doctor being more of a peacekeeper than a punisher— especially because I could never imagine the Doctor even pretending to smash even a child's toy. Confused them into agreeing with him, or even embarrassing themselves slightly (lowering their reputation)? Okay.
But this just felt very…non-Doctor-y. And Cheerilee's apathy, both at DT's cruelty and Whooves messing with her, really turned me off the whole scene. If she was an active collaborator with the Doctor, then maybe, but…yeah.
Also, there's definitely more Show, Don't Tell (SDT) issues here. And agh, another song? Hell, I love that song- but I would never in a million years want to find it either in a fic, or coming out of the Doctor's mouth. No, Just No.

And overall, most of this story just seems like "…and then this happened." I'm really not getting any emotional investment in this story at all. It's nice, it's sappy, but I can't bring myself to care about the characters and the "storylines" just feel hollow.

>>Chapter 4
Rich punched the Doctor, and neither he nor Cheerilee did anything about it. I'm not going to even bother anymore.



>Characters: 1.5/5
I realize that you at least put some effort into writing the characters, or else you wouldn't have made this fic. But really, I could never really get a sense of why any of them did anything, or why I should care about their issues. It just all fell flat for me. And that's not even getting into the fact that the Doctor was angsty, reactionary, and generally completely OOC. I happen to like the Doctor, and I generally dislike when he sounds like some mixture of Rose's mother's passive-agressiveness and Martha's family's general apathy.

>Plot: 1/5
This really just went nowhere for me. Everything just felt like: "And then this happened. And then this. And now something else! But no, this is happening now." Not to mention that (As I said above), you really haven't developed this plot line to anywhere near where you could, or even should.

>Setting: 2/5
You really need work on this. You occasionally had good body language (though in all the wrong places, like in Rich's anger management issues segment), but there was nearly a total lack of any scene transitions. And that's without bringing in the SDT issues that also cost you points over in Plot.

>Mechanics: 3.5/5
TMES (Too Many Ellipses Syndrome) was your worst issue, but I did notice a few points of either awkward wording or run-on sentences. Still (and I find myself saying this more and more often): at least it was readable.

>Originality: 2/5
I really do like the idea— the Doctor trying to win over Dinky and to adapt to a "domestic" lifestyle— but you really went nowhere in terms of actually pulling it off. There's so much you could do with this, especially considering the Doctor's EXTREMELY eccentric personality, but I never really saw it go anywhere. In short, it has potential, but it's not going anywhere unless you get your ass in gear and take a good, long look at this fic and what you think you're going to get from it.

>Total: 10/25

Final Thoughts: I remember being in the TG thread at some point and clicking this to review it. I like Doctor Whooves; I write Doctor Whooves fan fiction. Therefore, logically, this would be a good story for me to review. But the Doctor's OOC portrayal completely turned me off, and I gave up after the first chapter. I'm only remembering this now because 1.) You brought it to me eventually anyway, and 2.) The Doctor's voice was really your biggest issue. I could have lived through the bland settings, the internal monologues, and Rich and Tiara's shenanigans— but only if I had the Doctor's voice narrating them to me. That's what makes or breaks a Doctor fic. And yours didn't have it.

I think you can go somewhere with this. If you still need any help, feel free to come back or email me and I'll be glad to point you in the right direction.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite Suggested?: Yes (complete).

Best of luck,

PS: To all those waiting patiently in my queue, please know that it's currently 12 AM for me, and this review took me nearly an hour to write (not to mention that I've also been writing four other fics of my own on the side). I'll try my best to get to all of your fics by tomorrow night (EST), but for now, I'm just unable to. My apologies.
>> No. 96648
I hope I'm not being rude by not waiting for your queue to clear. Take your time in getting to my story, I'm in no rush whatsoever.

This is my first fiction and the first story I've ever had reviewed. The structure is a little...experimental to say the least, but I do have an overall idea of where I'd like my story to go. The distinctive style does serve a purpose. Now then, on with the show.

Beyond Equestria
[Adventure] [Comedy] [Alternate Universe]
Celestia, Luna, OC, Pinkie Pie, Twilight (more in later chapters)
>A little pony in search of adventure, far away lands, and mad loot plays a game in Equestria while making friends and being generally silly along the way.
2700 words.
>> No. 96715
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I gave you my thoughts on much of this the other day, but I really just have to say this:

I can't find anything wrong with your fic.

Seriously. It's all IC (believably so, at least), the moments of tension are excellently done, and the amount of plot versus the amount of description is just perfect. If you had a few more hundred words, I'd suggest you send it off to EqD.

>> No. 96730
GV, did you ever get my e-mail with the two snippets? Just wondering, I wanted to get your thoughts on them.
>> No. 96743
Flawless victory, eh? Then I hope you don't mind if I take a look.

>As the sun peered over the horizon, its light struck crept further and further up the polished floor, glistening off golden silk sheets.
>struck crept

>The room flickered with light as Celestia strained, thick beads of sweat running down her forehead, before the golden glow exploded from her horn, illuminating every nook of the town, the ponies below shielding their eyes from the burst of illumination as the sun was thrust high into the sky, its light replacing her own over the city.
Woah. That's a massive sentence that collapses under its own weight about halfway through.

>It's so tiring...but necessary.
Space comes after ellipsis.

>"Good morning, Princess! Thank you so much for gracing us with your light yet again. Might I ask what you would like for breakfast?" She asked, before bowing down in front of Celestia.
Uurgh. Should be "she." If this isn't a typo, please research proper dialogue punctuation.

>That canopy bed...it must cost a whole year's salary worth of bits.
You might prefer "must have cost."

I don't disagree with Mr. Vision about the quality of the story (as far I as I read), but do send it for some proofreading before submitting it to EQD.
>> No. 96744

Thank you two very much! Glad you both enjoyed it, and thanks Anon for pointing out those mechanical flaws. Might I ask how you two felt about the pacing of the story?

Also, I do plan to get at least one more review before sending it to EqD. My experiences with them in the past have taught me to polish things 110% before submitting. So if you two have any other thoughts about the story that would help improve it, I would love to hear them :)
>> No. 96762
File 133431146497.png - (350.08KB , 500x500 , Tribulation.png )
This is my first time on this board and I'm little nervous about doing things right, but here goes:

Name: Tribulation

Tags: Adventure, human, crossover (some musical references)

Main character(s): OC human (not self-insert)

"I am Captain Lars Leland and I was head of security aboard the spaceship PC Mournheld. Our mission to see if man could colonise space to save itself from doom on Earth was a failure. I alone survived to live among a race of intelligent horses, but the disease that claimed my race has finally gotten me as well. I am out of medicine and my life is ebbing out, so with my last strength, I write this epitaph. Read my diary and learn the folly of mankind and the truth about the ponies. To all the world, to all my friends, to my wife Charlotte and my beautiful little girl Diane; I love you, we'll soon be together again"

Number of words: 9.580

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/18990/1/Tribulation/Difficult-Beginnings

Pic related, it's the cover

I recently submitted this fanfic to EqD in hopes of getting more recognised. However, I haven’t heard back from them for days, so do I need to be more patient? I mean, I realise how swamped they must be, but are there certain things that I should avoid in my presentation? For example, should I have tagged it with “murder mystery” instead of “death”? Or do they think that “human OC” means “self-insert”? Which is not the case, BTW

This is my first time trying to submit to Equestria Daily (aside from a different fanfic, a crossover with Oblivion that they turned down within one hour of me submitting it because they had too much Elder Scrolls going on. I don’t remember offending them either in my reply, so I hope that’s not it). The FAQ’s didn’t say anything about waiting time, so I suppose I’m just being impatient, but you can’t blame for getting a little antsy?
>> No. 96763
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Right! I'll get to 'em today, definitely!

Anon, thanks for picking those out. I'd already read it once before (and I was a bit tired, too), so no wonder I mentally skimmed over those mistakes.

Hi Acade! I'll get to your fic as soon as I get home- circa 3 PM EST.

Same with you, JC. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get through your whole story, what with it being nearly 10k words (unless I really get into it), but I'll try my best to take care of your review right after Acade's.

About EqD, I submitted one of my fics a few weeks ago. It got to the pre-readers a day later, and I got a response about 72 hours after sending it in. I'm probably just lucky, though. If it's been put into the queue, you'll get an email from Seth saying so. If it's been two weeks, say, and still no email from Seth, then it may have been lost in the submit inbox. That's when you can try resubmitting. In the meantime, you might want to go ask the nice people over in the Ask A Pre-Reader thread if your fic made it through to them, just to be sure.

>> No. 96764
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I couldn't ask for more

Thank you, I will! I fear they might have read "death" as "grimdark" and binned it. I better check
>> No. 96771
Hey, GV. Are those couple of notes all you had on my story? Not being rude, I appreciate all the help. But your reviews are usually more... robust. Am I just getting that good, or are you busy with other's work and I'm being an impatient jerk?
>> No. 96772
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I won't be able to read what you think of it until later tonight. Hope you enjoy it! I look forward to your comments.
>> No. 96779
From what I recall, I took a mostly cursory "overview" look because it was mainly stuff that I'd already read (i.e. not a full rewrite). If you'd like, though, I can take a more in-depth look tonight or tomorrow.
>> No. 96782
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Have a (short) review!


>>As Applejack stepped in to the schoolhouse, her face began to grow more serious.
Here's something I noticed throughout: You're giving more body language, which is good, but it's now definitely "Tell" body language, rather than "show". For example, something that you could replace in this sentence could be:

>>her face began to grow more serious

Excepting the fact that I thought this sound awkward anyways, you could change this to:

>>Frowning, Applejack narrowed her eyes. A shadow seemed to pass over her face.

This way, you give us a description of what bodily expressions lend themselves to that emotion, rather than just outright telling us what that emotion is.

Here are a few other instances where I noticed this:

>>A look of concern grew across Cheerilee's face
>>causing a pang of anxiety to shoot through the back of Cheerilee's mind.
>>Applejack's voice began to grow louder as she stepped forward.

((There's nothing technically wrong with the last one, but I would probably replace it with something like:

>>Cheerilee flinched back at the intensity of Applejack's voice. "Well..." she began. Applejack cut her off.

That way, we get an idea of the overall situation (Cheerilee's reaction), as well as a better description of Applejack's anger)

I feel like I should forewarn you of this:

I (for some reason) decided that I really didn't like the second snippet that you sent me. It wasn't badly done- on the contrary, it felt like you did the best you could to flesh out the relationship. But I didn't like it mainly because 1.) You retconned Cheerilee into too many of the Mane Six's adventures, or their aftermath, and 2.) It was just...eh.

I was told this myself a few weeks ago after posting a chapter with a reflective and thoughtful Doctor Whooves. It's interesting, but ultimately we want to see their interactions, and not just Cheerilee's memories or thoughts on the matter. Maybe you could have someone talk with Cheerilee and bring up Twilight (Applejack?), thus setting an IC basis for their relationship. Or perhaps you could...meh. I don't know. I just think that this would work better if you gave their relationship as part of the narrative, rather than the exposition.

I won't give you a final grade, because this wasn't a full story. Still, it's good to see that you're making an effort in the right direction.

Keep it up!
>> No. 96786
No, it's cool. It's in the queue for I Post Ponies' live stream tomorrow, plus LunarShadow said he'd look at it for me. There's probably newer people who need you more than me. But did you like it? Flow was ok, no major grammar issues you saw?

Also, id like clarifacation on when you went all Jimmy McMillan on me with the SDT. At that part, the Mane Six were having a meal together and were chatting random small talk. I thought it was only important for me to say they were talking, since it was all unimportant to the overall plot, just idle chit-chat. You threw a major SDT flag.
Now, on my original draft, with Twilight and Applejack cooking, I got criticized for including too much extemporaneous dialogue, fluff not important to the story. Would you suggest that I write all that small talk? I just think it would be what I said, fluff. Simply saying they were talking, then coming in when the important stuff is said makes sense to me. Am I wrong?

Also, I took your advice and added dialogue to show Berry was a drunk instead of narrating it. If you see the live stream, youll see.
>> No. 96803
Chapter looks pretty good in terms of grammar and flow. You did a great job on improving them. As for the SDT thing, what I meant was that it didn't need to be there. Either it did, and you need to flesh it out, or it didn't and you can get rid of it.

For a story like, say Nicholas's, where the focus is on the Mane Six and how they relate to each other, then the fluff would be perfectly fine. But for yours, where what's important is the tension and plot, the fluff is just that— fluff. Unneeded, padding, etc. It's a nice idea, but I'd really recommend that you just cut to the chase. I'd actually suggest putting in a small scene break after the Spike/rutabaga paragraph, and Twilight's thoughts.

I realize now in hindsight that SDT wasn't the best thing to label this as; fluff really does work better as a descriptive term. In this case, it's more about deciding what you don't need and cleaning up the general story, rather than fleshing out the chapter.

Best of luck on the livestream!
>> No. 96805
Ah-ha, gotcha.

Scene break? Hur-dur, but that like putting a ">>>" and going someplace else briefly? My first thougt would be showing Berry Punch closing her shop and looking forward to a night at the bar, then going back to Twilight. Is that what you mean?
>> No. 96814
Well, I just took another look at it, and it looks a lot better. I especially like how you introduce Berry to us before her time as the "drunk"— it makes her feel more like a real character; someone that we can emphasize with, especially after her murder. Very nice.
>> No. 96839
File 133436430988.png - (292.12KB , 900x900 , Good Morning Best Pony.png )

First of all, thanks again!

I perfectly see what you were going for with your Show Don't Tell comments. Currently going through the story now and working on that!

And now, If I Could Be Serious For A Minute. Before I say this, let me say that I hugely appreciate the work that you have put into reviewing my story, the fact that you have been blunt and honest with me about where to improve. I cannot tell you how helpful it has been to my ongoing attempts to write this story.

But that being said, I simply have to disagree with part of your opinion on the second paragraph. While I understand where you are coming from, I do not feel as though I'm simply retconning Cheerilee into the aftermath of the adventures...I think that it's perfectly reasonable to assume that Twilight would have a friend who isn't directly involved in ANY of their adventures, but who she can sort of "unwind" with after them, given that the other Mane 6 were right there in the adventures too. So while I understand where you're coming from (and you do outright say that I wrote it well), I just wanted to defend my story there.

But once again, thank you so much for the time you've taken in helping me with this story! I've gotten a lot of great feedback on it so far, and I think after one more pass through, it could be ready for posting!
>> No. 96847
Hey Brian! It's actually great that you disagree with me on that one thing— if writers just went along with what reviewers wanted all the time, then where would we be? If you've got something that you're going to stick to, then Celestia dammit, you'd better stick to it!

Arcade, I'll try and get to your fic by midnight EST.
>> No. 96850
May I pester you with a question (besides this one)?

How did you type an em-dash?
>> No. 96851

On windows, hold down the "alt" key and type 0151, then release.
>> No. 96852
Thanks, but that didn't work for me. I think I'll just stick to the double-hyphen--it's much easier.
>> No. 96854
I use a Mac— I press Option-Shift-Hyphen.

>> No. 96859
File 133437632747.jpg - (105.96KB , 359x450 , imbackarnold.jpg )
Hello again. It's me again, returning with a quick question. In your review of my...troubled train wreck...story, you mentioned that I copied a scene from the show. What I want to know is if it is okay to borrow an overall plot from a different show, particularly from the Twilight Zone. I want to make sure the story is the best it can be, so thanks for the advice, if you have the time (I now how busy you are). In case you wan to know, I am working on a series of short stories, and I'm going to take as much time as I can to make sure I'm not forcing you to read total garbage. Thanks!
>> No. 96861
File 133437700374.jpg - (85.98KB , 500x516 , tumblr_lerpos4FdX1qaha6c.jpg )


Anyways, I must admit, completely honestly, that I have never read Homestuck.

Go on. Throw the Internet Tomatos. I won't even flinch.

I have, however, read Problem Sleuth, and so I'm able to recognize Hussie's style regardless. From what I know of the MSPaint Adventures, your style of writing fits very very well with that genre. I really caught only one grammar mistake (although there was a large paragraph filled with tense disagreements— you might want to look it over for those, as MSP is in 2nd person present), and overall it looked very well-done.

I can't really give it a grade based off of my normal system, as that wouldn't be fair. Instead, I'll just give it a 9/10. Fix the grammar/tense issues and you're golden. I really did like the humorous bits, as well as the numerous MSP shoutouts.

Something you might want to do, though, is make clearer in your synopsis or tags that this IS a Homestuck crossover/parody. I went into this expecting something like "Dinky and Pip: Pirates for a Day." What I got was something no less enjoyable (in fact, even better), but another reader might find this misleading or irritating.

Submit to EqD?: Perhaps. I don't believe there are many Homestuck MLP fics out there, so if you work hard enough on this, you may well be able to start something interesting and fun.
Rewrite?: Hell's Bells, no.

Best of Luck!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 96863
The Colt who would be Prince.
By Nuki Mouse
Humor, Romance.
Prince Blue Blood, OC, Rarity
The Gala as seen through Blue Blood's eyes.
Unfortunately, he realizes he may have misjudged a certain unicorn mare.


Several days ago I posted my entire story onto this board. I should not have done that.
As requested by you I removed it and posted links to it on Google docs. at which point you said you could review it.

I also enabled editing of the story right on Google docs so you can add commednts right on to the story if that is easier
Plus my e-mail address is in the story header.
I would really like to know what you think of it.
Thanks, Nuki Mouse
>> No. 96865
File 133437790313.jpg - (15.22KB , 155x163 , 130237624448.jpg )
I'm extremely pleased you enjoyed it! I also know that my biggest problem is tense agreement. Once I gain a better understanding of tense usage it will be smooth sailing from there.

I'll make sure to include a Crossover tag, even though the characters in my story will never meet up with any Homestuck characters. I wouldn't consider my story a true crossover, but it does borrow heavily from Homestuck and MSPA.

I'm doing a lot of plot planning, and with any luck I can get this baby posted on EqD. I'm very eager to see what the rest of the fandom thinks of my story. Look for me to kick around chapter two in the near future. Thanks again, GV!
>> No. 96870
A different plot is usually okay, so long as you give credit where it's due. What plot(s), out of curiousity?
>> No. 96871
File 133438035875.png - (71.03KB , 300x169 , 300px-Prince_Blueblood (1).png )
Ack! I'm so sorry— I've had the whole review written up for three days. I just forgot to post it.

Have a review!


>>A pair of very bloodshot light blue eyes peered out from under a pillow at the very elegantly dressed and perfectly groomed brown coated and black maned earth pony standing near the foot of the bed,
You have a problem throughout this chapter that I'm going to label
"TMD", or Too Much Description. Here, just say that Blue spotted Al, instead of giving us a full description of their physical features. You can slip these descriptions in subtly with body language (see below) in order to give us an idea of what they look like without actually saying it outright.

>>A low muffled groan and what that might have been “go cottle yourself elsewhere, Jeeves” did emerge from within the mass of bed coverings.
This is just..really awkwardly structures. I hope I don't have to go
any further than that. (Not to mention that you need to Capitalize New Dialogue, even if it's part of another sentence.)

>>I have brought you a large glass of Madam Zecora’s
Um..why is Zecora providing potions for Blueblood? Isn't she alllll the way over in Everfree? I somehow doubt that Blueblood wouldn't have a personal physician, not to mention that Zecora (living all on her own) would be even less likely to contact him. And, lest we forget, Zecora also knows the Mane 6 very well, so having Blue already know about them really puts a damper on your portrayal of his ignorance.

>>“And will drop all that ‘young master’ BS, you’re less than 3 years older than me and one of my best friends.
This is quite a good example of Show, Not Tell in dialogue. If he's not that old, then show it to us in his dialogue and description. Blue has undoubtedly told him this many times before, and so it's unlikely that it needs to be here apart from telling the reader who Al is (which can be accomplished in much better, more subtle ways).

>>“Ok Alfred.”
I trust I don't have to tell you NEVER to just type "Ok"?

For the record, at least write it out— "Okay." If not, I'll send Spikezilla over to stomp on your house. Capisce?

>>This good natured bickering may have continued for some time, if Blue’s head was not about to split open.
Why is it about to split open? I guess that it was a hangover, but you really need to make it clearer earlier on what the problem is (and why).

>> “You KNOW your mother the Duchess had her spies out in force last night.”
Again, this is dialogue turned into exposition. Blue knows his mother's the Duchess, and so does Al. There's no logical reason for Al to refer to Blue's mom— his employer— with such a title.

>>“Otherwise, they are all very good and loyal servants, I can’t just fire them for following your mother's orders.”
This is taken out not for structure, but because it's in the middle of a long string of dialogue with little to no description of body language. Having two people exchange dialogue is fine. Having a back-and-forth sans prose for two to three lines might even be acceptable. But consistently throughout your story, you put these huge blocks of lonely dialogue that give us nothing to go by but the characters' words themselves. Hance: body language. (If you don't know what that is, then I suggest you scroll up to one of my earlier reviews wherein I recommended the same thing).

>>“About you getting drunk after promising not to or about you driving off another suitor?” Prim asked, showing that he did indeed know something of the night’s events.
Show, Don't Tell. This is especially egregious because you outright say that one character is "showing" something. And besides, it's obvious that he knows what's going on from his interactions with Blue If you try and shove a literal transposition of his words down our throats, that's not going to end up fun for anyone.

>>“Half of Canterlot still thinks I’m a transvestite and Hoity Toity secret colt sex-toy!”
This is just...bad. I'm sorry, but I was told this for my
Humor fic just the other day, and I've been forced to admit that it's more widespread than I thought. It's obvious that you were trying here, especially because this is a BLAM (Big Lipped Alligator Moment); something that appears randomly for sudden lulz, and then disappears, never referenced again.

Humor is a good thing, but it's something that can be subtly worked into a dialogue between these two friends.
If I wanted to read a crack/random fic, I'd be reading one. This story that you've chosen requires something a bit more sophisticated in terms of humor.

>>‘requesting’ that my companion for the night was to be some bleached white unicorn in a maroon gown.
To Much Description. Moving right along...


I'm going to just step in now and give you some of my thoughts on the story's overall premise. I don't think that your writing itself was bad; what was horrendous, however, was the format you chose to present it in. I have the feeling that Blue's night with Rarity would make a fantastic story, both as a piece of faux romance, slight comedy, and character development. But the way it's presented here— not even as a flashback, but as a completely spoken anecdote— just destroys the potential impact of this piece.

Imagine for a moment that I'm your intended audience. I (your humble reader) clicks and opens the link to what looks to be an interesting and comedic Blueblood/Rarity fic. Unfortunately, it seems, as I read on, that the author has ignored my preferred genre for this concept, and instead is focusing on the relationship between Blue and his butler, something which I hardly care about. If I really came into
this expecting a Rarity/Blueblood fic, then I would have left the
moment it became obvious that Blueblood never expected to really meet with Rarity again.

So where does that leave your fic?

I actually think that you could do a lot with this. Blueblood's
"facade" at the Gala, followed by a slow, dawning realization that Rarity was completely authentic, could make a delightful story as he tries his best to make it up to her and possibly even ends up falling head over hooves for her.

(Note that I'm not a hardcore shipper. This is just my muse talking).

Now, if you added in some accidental stalker shenanigans, a bit of Trollestia (not literally; just for comedic effect), and some heartwarming Rarity moments, I think you could get a really good romantic comedy out of this. But as it sits now, whether as a oneshot or a prologue, it's not going anywhere. Show us the night. Show us the Gala. Show us Rarity.

Don't give it to us in what basically amounts to a "Dear Diary"
format. Please— for your sake and ours.


Characters: 3/5
I like how you put some effort into Blueblood and Alfred's
relationship, but I didn't feel too much of a connection with Blue's story throughout, especially at the end. I also disliked how you entirely left out Rarity, who's possibly the (second?) most important character to focus on in this fic.

Plot: 2/5
It's interesting. Blueblood's really wearing a "mask" enforced by his parents and society, and doesn't know how to react when someone genuinely wants to get to know him. But you completely failed to pull it off. We need to see what's happening. How fascinating do you think "The Lord of the Rings" would have been had it just been Sam Gange
reflecting on his travels to his girlfriend, with random anecdotes and vague storylines?

Setting: 2/5
I think this is definitely the weakest point. Not only were there
quite a few over-descriptions (or under-descriptions, as per SDT), but I suppose it's become quite obvious that I took quite the dislike to your format. I suggest you fix it— rewrite it completely, even.

Seriously. It'll make your fic twenty times better.

Mechanics: 3/5
I get the feeling that you didn't do too much grammar/phrasing editing for this (see my related complaints above), but at least I could get through it. So, pass, I suppose.

Originality: 1/5
This is very much related to both Setting and Plot. You had an idea- possibly a great one. It could be the next Best Night Ever for all we know. But you didn't follow through. You didn't give give us the right character interactions, an idea of motivations and inner feelings, and you didn't even show us the actual Gala, one of the worst (and most macroscopic!) examples of Show, Don't Tell.

Total: 11/25

Final Thoughts: I think I've pretty much already covered my thoughts on the overall piece. You can do very well with this if you apply yourself, but it needs almost a complete restructuring. I'll gladly take a second look if you come up with something fresh with this concept, but for now the responsibility's on your shoulders.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Suggested?: Yes (Complete)

Best of luck,
Golden Vision
>> No. 96873
File 133438068729.jpg - (61.44KB , 400x300 , walking distance.jpg )
At the moment, I was thinking of using the basic plot of "Walking Distance". In case you don't know it, it chronicles a business tycoon as he returns to the town he grew up in. He finds, however, that not only does it look the same as when he left it, but that he, in fact, has traveled back in time to the town as it was in his childhood. It presents a wonderful message, in my opinion. It's okay to remember your past, but you should always look towards he future. As of now, I only plan on using that one in my 'anthology' of sorts.
>> No. 96917

This here's a story I'd just like to improve on, flesh it out a little more - any help'd be appreciated. Thanks. ^^

>> No. 96935
File 133442931505.png - (45.84KB , 400x400 , hipster_scootaloo_by_veggie55-d4du84w.png )
A title, word count, author name, tags, and synopsis would also be much appreciated.

Thank you!
>> No. 96938
My apologies - my laziness and tiredness skimmed over the most important part of my post!

Title: Wonderful Nemesis
Author Name: Thesis
Tags: Normal, Shipping
Characters: Vinyl Scratch, Octavia
Synopsis: After a chance meeting in a small-town hotel, two ponies start a rivalry that after year, gradually causes the two to get closer.
Length: 4000~ words.
>> No. 96955
Title: The Tartarus Journal
Author Name: Bearycool
Tags: [tragedy] [horror] [sad]
Characters: Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack
Synopsis: "I cry. I weep. Will I ever see light again? It is...[sic.] tragic. I can’t remember the glowing stars, I can’t remember the sunshine, I can’t remember the light of friendship or companionship. All I remember is Tartarus, the place of the damned. I remember only night, I remember only death. Is this what it is like in death’s other kingdom? Have the eyes guided me here to stay for eternity? I don’t know...."
-the Tartarus Journal
Length: 5,300 words
>> No. 96957
Ah crap, forgot a link.

Here's a link to the fic.

>> No. 96959
File 133444899660.doc - (38.00KB , The Refugee.doc )
Title: The Refugee: Chapter 1
Author Name: Hazencruz
Tags: [Sad][Sci-fi][Grimdark]
Characters: Mane 6, Princess Celestia, Various Original Characters
Synopsis: Human from Earth Seeks refuge from bullying in Equestria, where he believes all is well, but nothing goes as planned.
Length: 2653 Words

Note: I know you said you don't normally accept OC and HiE stories, but neither of these two things are the main focus of this story. The focus is very much on the theme that "Power Corrupts" and the dangers of interdementional travel. I do ask you to at least give the first two sections a try before you pass judgement, though I know you are probably busy. I thank you in advance for your consideration and hope to hear your thoughts soon.

Links (for convenience):
DA: http://fav.me/d4vkadz
PFA: http://www.ponyfictionarchive.net/viewstory.php?sid=998


A wooden table with a circle of transmutation carved into it stand in the middle of a wooden floor with another circle drawn into it opposite of the table. The concrete walls flickered from the candlelight shining from each corner of the shapes drawn into the floor.

The human wept as he dropped the open jar filled with gasoline behind him as he wheeled himself up to the table and held his open hand over the carvings on it. As his fingers stretched, so did the carvings begin to glow under his reach. Four Hermetic crosses, one on each wall, lifted off the walls and hovered just away from their original hanging places.

Scowling, he began the chant, "Flies nuf Hermes." The first cross turned on it's side and let own a click like a tumbler retracting. "Min tamash ferra...", and the second cross turned and clicked. "...tru nos hazen.", and the third cross turned and clicked, the carvings on the table glowed brighter. "Mi Ferra a...", and the fourth turned and clicked. With tears in his eyes he shouted it. "EQUESTRIA!"

He pushed himself away from the table with all his strength and his wheelchair flew backwards upsetting the jar of gasoline spilling it into the floor. And all at once, the life left his body and he tumbled over onto the candle just behind him, the opposite facing circle carved into the floor casted a red light onto the room as the four crosses casted a blue glow, and the candle's flame met the spilled gasoline, and engulfed the room, and his body, in the flames.

Even into the wee hours of the night the lights and banter of the Grand Galloping Gala filled Canterlot Castle. Celestia had just finished greeting her last guest of honor when one of her personal assistants approached her. "Princess...", he said, "this evening's most awaited visitor has arrived, and awaits you in your chambers."

A true smile peeled across her face already worn from so many sewn on ones, and her heart raced with excitement. "Oh at last!", she exclaimed, "I must go see him at once!". She rushed up the stairs and through the halls into her own private chambers to meet the man she had been waiting for all night.

Celestia slowly pushed open the door and saw the man of metal looking out her window. His skin was plates of various types of metal welded over one another; partially rusted and rotted. His ever still eyes and mouth were holes cut into a cylindrical head with a cone for his lid. She smiled warmly and walked towards him. "Tarnish, my sweet." He turned to her and said gravely, "My dear, I am afraid what I am about to say will not please you nearly as much as it will please me."

She stopped, her smile cooled, and her eyes grew dim with a knowing sorrow. "It's time, then?" she said sadly. He turned his entire body towards her with a wretched and unnerving screech. "Nearly time, my dear.", he said in a sinister voice, "Just...nearly." She saw a dim flame inside his hollow head flicker to life through his eye and mouth holes. Tarnish was excited.

Celestia hung her head in despair. "I suppose all good things must come to an end, mustn't they?". Celestia passed Tarnish and looked out the window over all of Equestria. "It's a shame. Ever since I first translated my existence into Equestria...", she said, placing her front hooves on the windowsill, "...I felt as though it was the only place I would ever belong. As if I was born to be here, even though-"

"-you were born on Earth, deary.", interrupted Tarnish, "And Earth is where you should have stayed, if you did not want to face this fate." Celestia looked Tarnish in his eyes, and saw that the flame now burned brighter. She struggled for a moment with the thought of her only lover burning with the passion of ruining her, and then passing her to his kin for her annihilation. Then, in a moment of courage and blind desperation, she asked something no God should ever ask their keepers. "Tarnish..." she declared with a stern face, "I need to ask you for something before I am destroyed."

"Oh?" he said looking down at her, "And what might that be, love?". Celestia's expression changed to one of genuine concern, and then she said it. "Equestria may survive without me, but the entire world will be destabilized if I'm taken by you first."

"This world is a peaceful one..." she said happily, "...and there is no need to change that. Even if I am destined to die at the hands of your brother, Parish." The flame in Tarnish weakened, and it almost appeared as if he has an expression of irritation about his unmoving face. "My dear...", he said coldly, "...are you suggesting what I think you are suggesting?"

"These people must remember me as nothing other than a kind and invincible leader!", she said as she stomped her hoof, "I am the pillar that upholds the peace they enjoy every single day. To take that away from them is just...criminal!" Tarnish spoke not a word, but only gazed at her with his empty eyes within which the flame was the weakest it had been since it had come alive.

Celestia nuzzled his chest, "I am begging you, my sweet. Please...pass me over and let Parish take me. Whatever fate I must meet, whatever price I must pay, it is none too great in exchange for eternal peace in this land."

Tarnish's flame extinguished with an audible hiss. He took her hoof in his hand and told her, "My love. I am Tarnish the harbinger. Ungod of the Fall. Rotter of Gods. My presence is the beginning of the end. My kingdom is the unraveling of Deities." He pushed her head from his chest and looked her in the eye, "How you can you expect me to ignore the natural order I am charged with upholding?"

Celestia's eyes began to water. She wept, "Tarnish PLEASE! You must understand! You can take all the power from me right now, just please don't drag me through the mud like the others." She turned away from him. "I have done many things I regret. I have killed the queen. I have betrayed my own sister. All to gain the power needed to bring everlasting peace to Equestria." Tarnish remained silent.

"Don't you see?" She cried, "This peace is the natural order I'M supposed to uphold! PLEASE DON'T ERASE IT ALL BY DEFAMING ME!" Tarnish put his rusty fingers to her chin, and turned her towards him. "You do realize there will be consequences..." he said with no emotion, "...and you are truly prepared to face them, though they are unknown to you." She looked at him with a half and half of fear and perplexity on her face.

"I can guarantee you that I will fight every instinct in my body to Tarnish your Godhood.", he said. Celestia smiled and leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. He pushed her head away from his and stepped away from her. "But I cannot sustain any disorder that may come as a result of your final visit from my brother, Parish."

An orange glow came in from the window. Dawn was breaking. Tarnish took her hoof in his hand, "Your fall is mine, and I have surrendered it. Your death is my brother's, and Parish will take you..." Celestia began to cry again. "But your people, my love, and how your life will influence them after your death. That is the sphere of my sister, Cherish. I can have no say in what she decides."

Celestia wiped the tears from her eyes, "I suppose that will have to do.", and new tears filled them again, "If there's anything I can do to protect my world I must-"

"Equestria is NOT your world, Celestia." Tarnished barked. Celestia's looked turned into one of mortal fear, for she had never seen the Ungod Tarnish ever emote with this potency. "It was never your world. That is why I have come here. Why you have made me agree to this. Why you even know we exist at all."

Celestia sat and continued to look at Tarnish in Terror. Tarnish turned and walked towards her window, squeaking and scraping. "There is one more stipulation.", he noted, "Your creature, the wither, the one you made to keep other translated like yourself out of Equestria." She stood and asked, "What about it?"

Tarnish climbed into the windowsill and turned to look at her, flames bellowing from his eye and mouth holes, "It now belongs to ME! To do with as I please!" Celestia nervously nodded in reluctant approval at this alteration. Tarnish jumped from her window and dissipated into tiny flakes of metal and rust which blew away in the wind, never to been seen by her again.

Celestia began to cry as she rushed over to her desk and grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill. Her final letter was to be written at the dawn of her demise.

The night after the Gala just so happened to be another special night for Equestria. It was the night of the Starswirl Meteor Shower which only comes once in a millennium. Every one of Twilight Sparkle's friends were laid out on a large picnic cloth waiting for the shower to begin.

Twilight could not contain her excitement, "I can't believe it!", she shouted, "This only happens once in a thousand years! Ohhhh I can't WAIT!" Fluttershy smiled at her, "I hope it's everything you wished for, Twilight!" Spike stood with net in hand licking his lips, "You sure there's no way we can catch those delicious looking stars when they shoot down?" Twilight rolled her eyes and Fluttershy laughed at him, "Spiiike," said Twilight, "They're not really stars! They're just meteors. Big hunks of rock burning up when they enter the atmosphere." Fluttershy nuzzled Spike and laughed softly, "Even if they were stars, you wouldn't want to catch them, spike. They might burn you!" Spike grinned slyly, "Wellll...just in case you're wrong. I'LL be ready."

Applejack pointed up at the sky, "Look, ya'll! It's starting'!" Twilight dashed over to her telescope and started pointing it all over the place. "Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh! WHERE!?", she said in a panic. "Right there!" Applejack exclaimed as she helped Twilight aim the telescope towards the first meteors. All the ponies sat in awe with the stars twinkling in their fixed gazes while spike readied his net.

Twilight stepped away from the telescope to let Applejack look into it. Then began her professing, "Just to think that Starswirl the Bearded's spell from three thousand years ago when he brought the moon to Equestria still effects the skies every millennium to this day! AH! It's so COOL!!!" Rainbow Dash had taken Applejack's place at the telescope, "Look how FAST those babies are flyin'! WHOAH!", she said as she made way for Rarity to have a look. "My...", said Rarity, "They most certainly are bedazzling!" It was then that pinkie's tail began to twitch violently. "Twitcha, Twitcha-TWITCHA-twitch!"

"That one there does seem a good bit larger than the others...", claimed Rarity as she saw a large ball of flame soaring through the sky. "Uh...guys!?" Pinkie said, trying to get everyone's attention. Twilight looked up and spotted the large ball of light as well. "Some of the meteors are bigger than others. They do come in a lot of different shapes and sizes." Pinkie's tail still twitched out of control, "Guys!?"

"He might be a big one, but look at him go!", said Rainbow, "That hunk of rock might even be flying fast than me, if you can believe that!" Fluttershy gazed upward, too. "Oh my, it's beautiful!" she said excitedly. "Guuuuys!!!" Pinkie said, slightly frustrated.

Applejack was the first to notice, "Did it suddenly get a lot brighter out here, ya'll?" Twilight pushed Rarity aside from the telescope and looked into it, "And it's a strange color...I've never seen anything like that shade of blue...or purple? What color IS that!?" Pinkie suddenly got a look of shock on her face, grabbed her tail, and held her tongue.

Rainbow jumped up, "That thing is headed right for Ponyville! Everypony! TAKE COVER!" Soon all the other ponies deserted their respective picnic blankets and started galloping towards their houses. The sky lit up with a strange light and the meteor was so close that it's heat could be felt by every pony in Ponyville. It whooshed by the picnic area and smashed straight into something in Ponyville.

"OH NO!", screamed Rainbow Dash, "THAT COULD'VE BEEN SOMEPONY'S HOUSE!" She flashed by the other five and Spike to investigate, a look of horror and worry on her face. "RAINBOW WAIT!" Yelled Twilight. "C'mon, ya'll!" rallied Applejack, "We gotta follow'er!"

He turned back to look at the crater as he walked away as quietly as he could. "What did I do wrong?" he thought, "Everything in the Rite of Translation was set perfectly, exactly like last time." He continued to walk away as other ponies came out of their houses and looked out at the giant hole in the ground. His eyes darted around as his soul grew accustomed to his new body. "Has something changed in Equestria since I was here last?", he thought to himself, "Everything looks the same." He kicked his back legs out and let out a sigh of relief. He smiled and said, "It's nice to be able to use you guys again...", his eyes teared up, "No one HERE will beat me paraplegic." The beauty and familiarity of Equestria filled his heart as he wept with joy. "It's just like I remember.", he thought, "This time I'm here for good. I'll never have to go back!" The thought of living in peace and happiness forever made him jump for joy on his new functional hind limbs.

Then he heard a voice from in front of him, "Let me guess...", it said strong and masculine, it was the voice an old stallion. "...that botched translation was you...are you from Earth?" He stepped back from the Stallion and gritted his teeth, "You can't take me this time, Wither!"

The Stallion laughed at him gently, "My boy...I am not the wither." He turned to reveal a hermitic cross on his flank, "I am a translated, like you."

The others arrived in time to see Rainbow dash fwishing around the crater, trying to perform an investigation in all her panic. "What? HOW!? WHY!?" she blurted. Twilight shook her head in shock, "I have no idea...I've never heard of a meteor touching down!"

Applejack took a close look at something metal in the crater. "Oh no..." she said as she realized it, "That thing destroyed the Ponyville Schoolhouse!" Everyone gasped in horror. Fluttershy looked down into the crater, "Thank goodness everyone was out watching the shooting stars!"

Rainbow Dash flew down to look at the bell, and noticed a strange marking on the ground. It was two equilateral lines crossing perpendicular to each other with two squares outlining the insides of the lines so that a cross was encompassed in a square in the middle, and just outside that square was another larger square, with four small pieces of the lines just outside the largest square. "Hey Twilight!", she yelled up, "Come down here! Have you ever seen anything like this!?"

Twilight eased down into the crater and examined the markings. "I actually have...it's called a Translation Gate...but I have no idea what it might mean..." The ponies hung their heads, but continued to look for anything they could salvage from the wreckage.

"So what happened to your hide?", said the Stallion. "It looks as though you passed through a flame." He looked angrily at the stallion and said condescendingly, "If you MUST know I burned my original body during the rite...hopefully to cinders." The Stallion gasped, "The way Celestia did?", he said taking a step back, "Boy...SURELY you jest!"
>> No. 96966
Title: Friendship or Freedom, Chapter I
Author Name: Fredericus Rex (a.k.a. Giorgio)
Tags: [sad], [dark]
Characters: primarily Celestia & Luna
Length: 2,008 words
Synopsis: The free thinking citizens of Equestria are beginning to doubt the ability of the Alicorns to rule effectively, widening the divide between the two princesses.

Link: [url]http://fredericus-rex.deviantart.com/#/d4waqd5[/url]
>> No. 96973
Title: Princess for a Week
Author: SomeOldGuy
Tags: Normal/Sad?
Characters: Mane 6
Synopsis: For Twilight, it seems almost too good to be true when Princess Celestia announces a contest where the winner will get to be the ruling princess of Equestria for a week. But, when her arrogance gets the best of her, can she keep a friendship, and learn something along the way?
Length: First chapter is about 3k words
>> No. 96992
File 133446333710.jpg - (189.33KB , 644x700 , 3606 - computer dexterous_hooves meme parody twilight_sparkle.jpg )
Hello everyone! Due to the sudden influx of fics into my review thread, I've decided to institute a GDoc spreadsheet to keep everything organized. Note that this isn't to give me an excuse not to look at your fic for a week— rather, it's a way to make sure I don't forget about you, scatterbrained numbskull that I am.

You can find the form here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0

The queue itself is visible here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

I'll get back to reviews by tomorrow morning, so sit tight everyone!

-Golden Vision
>> No. 97061
Please note that you must also post on this thread with the required information for me to get to your fic. Thank you!
>> No. 97154
This is my first attempt at a fanfic, so I'll just throw this out there and see what happens, I guess.

Title: 100 Days
Author: Sean
Tags: [Normal] [Occasional Sad] [Very Mild M/M Shipping] [Some Language] [Rollercoaster]
Words: 5837
Chapters: Day 1 (first chapter of a projected eighteen)
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pxFpRui3cONfCvcIOSt2UE7e4ADbvw-a_FcHlBHfno4/edit
Synopsis: You have have read many stories of romance and love taking place in the magical land of Equestria. However, contary to popular belief, the idea of homosexuality is not as popular as you'd like to believe. Only a small percentage of Equestrian citizens know of same-sex attraction and those that do are usually those that see it in a negative light.

After seeing a questionable flyer, Fluttershy meets the PGR: the Ponies for Gay Rights. After awkward introductions, the pink-maned pegasus befriends the group and helps to spread their message of equality. However, as news spreads about the PGR, the world reacts violently. The rise of the Equines for the Sanctity of Society comes soon after and Fluttershy finds herself in one of the biggest political and social fights in Equestrian history.
>> No. 97157
File 133454498651.jpg - (139.84KB , 500x647 , tumblr_lx1yh6IBCq1qmynffo1_500 (1).jpg )
Well, I've had a rather busy weekend, but it's quite nice to get back into the swing of things. Let's start with a review!



>>What she did know is that there was a money-based light at the end of the tunnel.
This sentence felt very out of place. No lead up, basically— what "tunnel" is this? Make it clear to us that she's expecting something out of this bar.

>>Vinyl’s mind raced back to only half a year ago - she was playing gigs at the biggest clubs in Canterlot.
You should use a comma here, not an em-dash (which, by the way, is —)

>>She was big - at least among the fans of her work.
Same here.

>>then suddenly, half of the clubs, all of the gigs, all of the money and tiny amounts of fame she had earned, kind of just disappeared. This was her first true gig since being in a small-town club last month - this would have to make her week.
Replace all the dashes in this bit with periods. These are standalone sentences.

>>Vinyl shouted back, “Alright. Thanks!”
Make this a new paragraph (new speaker)

>>The thank you was less than sincere - when she had first entered the bar, the barpony was rude, ragged and generally uncaring, just pointing her to the room she was in and said “Get busy.”
El expositional "flashback".

If it's an important scene, put it in earlier. If it's the sentiment that counts, then just adapt it to show his tone in another scene. If it's not necessary, then chuck it.

I'm not sure what to say about your "background" paragraph as, while I personally have little issue with it, quite a few other reviewers or pre-readers that I've come across believe that any third-person info dumping is Evil. You might want to try letting this come across in a conversation— perhaps by giving Vinyl a traveling companion or acquaintance in the bar?

>> “D’you seriously mean to say I’ll be playing for the freaks out there? No way. I am OUT of here.” Vinyl had turned away, going to pack her things and walk out, but then her mind flashed once again to money. She needed this. “Umm... sorry. I didn’t mean to... burst out like that.”
Okay, this is just really bad Show, Don't Tell (her mind "flashed to the money"), as well as an example of horrible transitioning. This whole scene happened so quickly that I literally had no chance to rethink my conception of the scene— in short, unless this is important enough to flesh out more, I really see no reason to keep Vinyl's outburst anything but mental.

>>It was better than the long walk home, that was for sure, so she began to walk over.
You used "walk" twice here— a bit redundant.

>>Octavia pulled herself towards the window, furious at the carelessness of the drivers.
Show, Don't Tell. Don't tell us she's furious. Give us body language or scene description that shows us her anger. It's much better for building a scene, and many readers will turn away at the slightest hint of Telling.

>>She opened the window, screaming her thoughts at them.
Just say "she screamed" after:

>>Stop this instant, you imbeciles!

It flow better, and the whole idea of text setting up dialogue is really quite awkward regardless. Take:

>>She said, "Hi there!"
>>"Hi there!" she said.

No contest— and that's even discounting the fact that the second method lets you put body language in there more easily.

>>“There’s a fairly nice local hotel, miss. It might not be to your fine tastes, but I’m sure you’ll agree it’s better than laying in the grass.”
Who's saying this? Quite unclear.

>>More information was put on the notepad. “Twenty-five bits, thank you.” It was then a stark realization hit Prance.
I was very much confused when I read this. Even once I read:

>>Prance had forgotten the purse with her bits in it - as she always does.

I was still confused enough that I had to read the whole segment twice over. That's not even mentioning the tense issues you have in that area. Tell us in dialogue that she's forgotten her purse, and for Celestia's sake, don't Tell us that she's had a "stark realization." That's a fast way to get a boot to the face by the EqD pre-reading crowd.

>>“A master, eh? Maybe you should put your money where your mouth is.” The unicorn was sneering again.
This whole segment felt very quick to me. I would suggest putting in a budding tension between the two— snide comments at breakfast, traded insults in the lobby, and so on, all culminating in this challenge (made by a very irritated Scratch) as either of the two is about to leave. That way, it doesn't seem quite so sudden, and we're able to see the tension rise between the two in a much smoother fashion.

>>“Excuse me, Octavia...” Prance interjected. “I’m afraid to admit it, but I’m actually really loving this small town scenario. We can afford to stay for another week, surely. You wouldn’t want to disappoint your new friend here.”
Wasn't she just extremely irritated (not to mention bitchy) over the idea of not getting to Manehattan the previous night? Have Vinyl and Tavi encounter each other across Ponyville (in the timeline that I recommended above), with some scenes making it clear that Prance is moving to this state of mind. Otherwise, it's just a Plot Device.

>>You’ve been wanting a holiday, Octavia, dear
Where did we see this? Put in something earlier on that makes it clear to us that Octavia might not be entirely into the Orchestral lifestyle at the moment. That way, this whole event seems like a natural progression of her boredom/irritation/etc.

>>She considered arguing further, but her mother knew she could be busy, called to events and such at anytime.
Wait, her mother? I have not heard so much as a word about this mare, and would love to hear more.

…Unless she's only in here as a last-minute excuse for Tavi?

In which case, you have this options:

>Bring her in earlier and expand her role,


>Scrap her.


Characters: 4/5
I really did like how you captured the voices of the characters throughout. Vinyl was obvious, but I thought it was very well-done how you captured Octavia as the more cultured and rational aristocrat versus Prance's elitist whims. Very nice. However, see my comments above on what you need to do to develop them further in terms of scenes and plot— without it, your characters lack ample time and space to develop.

Plot: 3/5
It's interesting; I'll give you that. I still would have liked to see MUCH more to set this up, not to mention that I think there are a fair few scenes that you should put in to smooth out the development of your ideas. They're good, but quite rough in places.

Setting: 3/5
Same as above. You really do need to put more effort into Showing, Not Telling. Take this as an example:

>>It was then a stark realization hit Prance.

This is very bad SDT. However, with a bit of rewording and a few additions, we can come to this instead:

>>Prance's eyes widened, and she bit down on her hoof. "…Octavia…" she began awkwardly, giving a strained smile.

And so on.

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Mostly impeccable. You had only a few real errors here and there, mostly due to tense confusion. Overall, well-done here.

Originality: 3/5
It's a good idea. Luna knows that we get enough Tavi/Scratch rivalry fics 'round these parts, but it's always interesting to see if someone new can pull off a novel perspective. It remains to be seen whether you'll be that person. However, something you'll really need to do if you want to do well in this area will be to give us a very clear idea of how the characters are developing, moment by moment. If you can do that, then you'll be in the clear.

Total: 17.5/25

Final Thoughts:

You'll definitely need to do quite a bit of work to make this fic stand out. I like the dynamic you have with Prance, and I think that having an additional secondary character for Vinyl would do wonders, both for her development as a character (and exposition!) and to provide a contrast with each of the other three character concepts present.

I think that this could be interesting, but as a Final Final Thought, I'd just like to say this:

Your story seems quite slow thus far. Their chance meeting is a good idea, but that's in the synopsis— AKA, in Writing Terms, in the past. When you say, "After living with Celestia for all her life, Twilight must learn to truly be a student of the Princess," you don't start off with the beginnings of Twilight's apprenticeship. You start off at the point where your synopsis pinpoints it: where Twilight begins to question her role as Celestia's pupil. So either start from the point that your synopsis proposes (when they start growing closer or grow their rivalry), or change the synopsis to make it clear that they haven't met before. For example:

>>A rough-and-tumble DJ. A prim and proper musician. With one out of work, and the other weary of the upper crust, there's not much else to bring these two together. But a chance meeting in a small-town hotel might be what it takes to create the friendship of a lifetime.

I wrote this in a minute, and I'm sure you could do much better. Still, I hope it gets my point across. Don't have your synopsis describe (or encompass) your first chapter. Instead, have it lead up to it. That way, the reader isn't left wondering "Okay, so now what?" when it ends.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite Suggested?: Not really.

I wish you the best of luck in revising!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 97185
Thanks very much for your review, sir! I'll get to work fixing and editing as soon as I can, in my free time.
>> No. 97194
>>Vinyl’s mind raced back to only half a year ago - she was playing gigs at the biggest clubs in Canterlot.
>You should use a comma here, not an em-dash (which, by the way, is —)
That would make a comma splice. The em dash is arguably more correct.

Personally, I'd just bite the bullet and use "ago, when."

Also—general thing—what's up with your dash spacing, Vision? Either put spaces on both sides or don't space them at all.
>> No. 97195
Yo, GV-izzle! My latest chapter is re-re-rewritten and ready for your critical eye!

Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria, a world that has not known violence like his in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this mad man no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...
>> No. 97199
Good point there about the comma. I mentally replaced that awkward phrasing and inserted a comma myself; it seemed to make more sense to me, and I suppose I forgot to put up the other necessary changes.

Also, insofar as my em-dash spacing goes, I prefer the— format because it looks nicer to me. I just think it gives more of a sense of interruption, as well as a better transition between my thoughts. Thus far, I haven't gotten a reviewer or pre-reader that calls me out on it, so I think I'm good.


Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 97204
>>>Vinyl’s mind raced back to only half a year ago - she was playing gigs at the biggest clubs in Canterlot.
>>You should use a comma here, not an em-dash (which, by the way, is —)
>That would make a comma splice. The em dash is arguably more correct.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but couldn't a semicolon be used in this case?
>> No. 97215
It really depends on how you revise the sentence. As it is, the wording is fairly awkward, and so there are a number of different ways that you could revise it. I personally preferred a comma; your ideas may well be different.
>> No. 97216
It really depends on how you revise the sentence. As it is, the wording is fairly awkward, and so there are a number of different ways that you could revise it. I personally preferred a comma; your ideas may well be different.
>> No. 97218
It really depends on how you revise the sentence. As it is, the wording is fairly awkward, and so there are a number of different ways that you could revise it. I personally preferred a comma; your ideas may well be different.
>> No. 97249
File 133460438503.jpg - (3.01KB , 64x64 , ___NightmareShyAvatar.jpg )
1. Title: The Alicorn

2. Author: Raefire

3. Tags: [Shipping] [Comedy] [Slice of Life]

4. Characters: Princess Celestia, Derpy Hooves, Dinky Doo, Doctor Whooves

5. Synopsis: On a very special day, Princess Celestia reveals a few secrets about Equestria, what everyday life is like for a Princess, why Luna never shows up at any events - and just how much a certain young unicorn in Ponyville has captured her heart.

6. Length: ~7,000 words

7. Links:

-Fimfiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/20808/The-Alicorn

-GoogleDocs w/comments enabled: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WE3UAaVhE8iruR8M1nzkNK_LCPzyrKnQORZbecWPcIk/edit?pli=1
>> No. 97253
>Let's gather 'round the campfire, and sing our campfire song. That's C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G song! And if you don't—

Wait, sorry; wrong campfire. Erm: "It was a dark and spooky night…"

Eh, close enough. On with the review!


<<Line-by-line commentary on the GDoc>>


Characters: 1/5
I'm going to be brutally honest here with you:

Not once— ever!— while reading your fic, did I feel like I was reading the journal of Twilight Sparkle.

I believe I put this down in a comment, wherein I said that "Replacing Twilight with an OC pony and switching around a few names would make absolutely no difference in the tone of this piece." And it's true. Pretty much everything in this story was either analytical "Bob went to the store and bought carrots" prose, or "OMG We're all going to die" emo crap. I didn't even once feel like Rainbow Dash and Applejack were really there as well, nor did I feel anything— ANYTHING— for Celestia. Not sympathy, not empathy, not pity: nothing.

So I'm going to just cut to the chase and tell you what you need to do.

1.) GIVE TWILIGHT A VOICE. She's both an academic and an easily excited mare. Show us why she cares about this expedition, and give us a special insight into how Twilight's mind deteriorates in Tartarus— almost definitely unique and different from any other random pony.
2.) Let us see the group's interactions. I got no feel for how RD, AJ, and Twi all related, and what's more, I didn't care. I had no idea why the others of the Mane 6 weren't there, and I frankly wouldn't have noticed if they had been, if if Fluttershy, Spike, or Pony Joe had been there instead of Applejack. So show us their characters too. Don't just cookiecutter some random moaning about how horrible Tartarus is.

Plot: 2/5
I liked this idea. I really did.

Unfortunately, you did a really wince-worthy job of pulling it off (which is to say, not really). Here's a few reasons why:

1.) There was no buildup to the voyage into Tartarus. It was just "Hey, now we're here. Cool." No lead-up, no rising tension— not even a farewell or a steeling of the nerves! As such, because you didn't hook us into the story, I found myself wandering throughout, not even really caring what was going on.
2.) I didn't comment on every part of the chapter (for reasons that I made clear on the GDoc). But pretty much everything after what I commented on was bad for this reason: there was so much empty space that you could drive a truck through it. I'm not just talking about transitions (of which there were next to none). I'm also talking about your pacing and scenes. There was a LOT more of Tartarus that I would have liked to see, and you really didn't deliver, instead just cutting straight to the psychological bits (which didn't work very well).

Setting: 2/5
Those of you who have been following my reviews should know that this is basically my "catch-all" rating. If it doesn't fit elsewhere and it needs work, it'll probably end up under Setting. Now, what was the problem here?

The problem was this:

You were trying to write Horror.

You were trying to hard.

It didn't work.

I've made this mistake with my Comedy fanfics, and I will be the first to say that it's a common one. But it was especially cringeworthy toward the end. Dash disappearing? Applejack committing suicide? Twilight…something? I'd expect to see something like that on the set of Saw (especially the crazy ranting at the end), not in a subtle psychological thriller (which is what you appeared to be going for in the first half). I wanted something that messed with my mind— really made me go crazy with Twilight— and you just didn't deliver.

Something that might help you in this respect is to apply the same principles of SDT into this scenario. Instead of using body language to portray a situation, use quirks of writing style to give us a better insight into Twilight's current psyche. For example, this—

>We made camp tonight. Applejack is cooking food, and Rainbow Dash is excited too. I wonder what we'll see tomorrow?

Reads quite differently from this:

>We've made camp again. Applejack's decided to cook food, but Rainbow Dash might be getting a bit too excited about it. They want to talk about what we might see when we wake up, but I'm not so sure that I do.

I added in a few words, changed some others around, and gave a whole new tone to this piece. Applejack, originally Ms. Plot Device Of Non-Starvation, now appears to be what's keeping the group with some semblance of rationality and organization. This could highlight her descent into suicidal thoughts quite well later on. Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash, ever overeager, could be seen as having been dangerously influenced by the loneliness of the caverns, enough so that she's willing to push the others too hard. It could even serve as a point of Twilight's paranoia. That's not even mentioning that the last bit hints at Twilight's growing apprehension, and that the beginning and end subtly tell the reader just how much of a mystery dimension Tartarus is.

Mechanics: 3.5/5
You had quite a few instances of awkward structure, grammar/tense issues, word choice, and more. I'd suggest proofreading it again.

Originality: 2/5
I know, I really know, that docking you here seems like beating you over the head with a dead pony— er, horse. But here's why I'm doing it.

This is a great idea. I personally think that Tartarus, as an area referenced to not only in the show, but also in classical mythology, could make a great setting for a psychological thriller.

Yet you need to add in more to show us that you've made an effort to create something worthwhile.

I believe I suggested a fair few extra scenes or plot lines in my comments: having the journal start with Twilight's original research and leading up to her decision to enter Tartarus, recording Twilight's discourse (and possibly tension-raisin conversation) with Celestia on the topic (seeing as she was there and all), and really just keeping in tune with the established canon and pace of the show.

If you did this— ALL of this— I have the feeling that you might have the next Pony Shutter Island.

But just maybe.

Total: 10/5

Final Thoughts: I think I might have been too brutal with this review, but really, this fic needs it. It's a good idea, and one that I support wholeheartedly, but you need to put in a lot of work before this comes out looking like something worth reading.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite suggested?: Almost definitely

If you have any questions, feel free to message or email me. I wish you the best of luck in your revision!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 97257
File 133460973883.png - (357.98KB , 846x475 , Twilight_scary_stuff_E2-W2.png )
Ugh...somehow, I couldn't get my password, so I couldn't edit this. That should read 10.5/25 for the Total, and here's the picture I wanted to post with the review. :3
>> No. 97273
File 133461821400.jpg - (1.03MB , 951x938 , 585745.jpg )
Guten tag, /fic/! We've got ourselves a nice little story here, and—


...We apologize for that horribly offensive stereotype. Moving right along!


>>A wooden table with a circle of transmutation carved into it stand in the middle of a wooden floor with another circle drawn into it opposite of the table.

>>The first cross turned on it's side and let own a click like a tumbler retracting. "Min tamash ferra...", and the second cross turned and clicked.
I would personally divide this bit into a line-by-line format. For example:

>"Min tamash ferrah…"

>The second cross turned and clicked.

>"Tru nos hazen…"

>The third cross did likewise. The carvings on the table began to glow more brightly.

>>And all at once, the life left his body and he tumbled over onto the candle just behind him, the opposite facing circle carved into the floor casted a red light onto the room as the four crosses casted a blue glow, and the candle's flame met the spilled gasoline, and engulfed the room, and his body, in the flames.
Ye Scootaloos, this is a really bad run-on sentence.

>>Even into the wee hours of the night
I know it's technically a "literary" term…but don't use "wee hours" in your story. Please. Nobody comes off as serious when they sound like a slightly drunk Irishman. Use "late into the night" or something instead.

>>His skin was plates of various types of metal welded over one another; partially rusted and rotted. His ever still eyes and mouth were holes cut into a cylindrical head with a cone for his lid. She smiled warmly and walked towards him.
Okay, I realize you're probably making a shootout to Al here— what's more, it seems like this is a good guy. But I have a few problems with this whole scene.

1.) This description made Tarnish look like some kind of metal/decaying monster in my mind, not an honorable yet falling apart iron warrior. Rework it.
2.) Celestia is…Well, I couldn't really say OOC except insofar as she is, in fact, completely OOC. She's talking like she's known this guy forever, and then talking about Earth, and then about being destroyed—

In short: Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold up there, partner.

This is moving too quickly, and thus far, I'm not getting any real feel that this is Celestia (canonically). For all I know, this could be Luna, or Cadence, or even Sweetie Belle. I'm not hearing Celestia's voice, nor am I seeing this scene clearly. You need to do more work to introduce Celestia's background more smoothly and more subtly, as well as give her her own voice.

Oh, and make it connect to the "prologue" scene.

Because I didn't get the connection there at all.

I'd actually keep quoting this segment, but I really can just say that this whole Godhood/Tarnish scene is just turning out to be one big BLAM moment for me. (Big Lipped Alligator Moment) In other words, I don't understand it, it seems to come out of nowhere, I'm going to do my best to ignore it once this scene is over, and if you bring it up again, I'm going to be more confuzzled than Twilight reading Atlas Shrugged.

((Oh, and the Celestia OOC is still pretty bad. Like with:

>>Celestia began to cry as she rushed over to her desk and grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill. Her final letter was to be written at the dawn of her demise.

((Celestia is regal. Not emo. If she's going to be all teary-eyed, than you'd better damn well give us a reason why, and not just expect our view of this immortal ruler to be shattered in the space of about three hundred words, with a weird OC that we've only just met, under circumstances that are less than comprehensible))

>>It was the night of the Starswirl Meteor Shower which only comes once in a millennium.
Tense confusion

>>Twilight could not contain her excitement, "I can't believe it!", she shouted, "This only happens once in a thousand years! Ohhhh I can't WAIT!" Fluttershy smiled at her, "I hope it's everything you wished for, Twilight!"
When you start a new speaker's dialogue, you begin a new paragraph. Like this:

>Twilight could not contain her excitement, "I can't believe it!", she shouted, "This only happens once in a thousand years! Ohhhh I can't WAIT!"
>Fluttershy smiled at her, "I hope it's everything you wished for, Twilight!"
>Spike stood with net in hand licking his lips, "You sure there's no way we can catch those delicious looking stars when they shoot down?"

That's even without getting to the major SDT (Show, Don't Tell) issues you have going on here. "Twilight could not contain her excitement"? That's nice. Show us how she's having trouble with it— is she trembling? Sweating? Eyes shining in the moonlight? Don't just tell us— make us see it in our minds' eye.

>>"Just to think that Starswirl the Bearded's spell from three thousand years ago when he brought the moon to Equestria still effects the skies every millennium to this day
This…is a really bad dialogue info dump. I don't even know why this is here, to be perfectly honest.

>> pinkie's

I would also have really liked more development in the Meteor Shower scene. Perhaps a line or two discussiong Celestia being withdrawn, or a bit of banter to show that the Mane 6 really do have relationships in this fic that we can know about without necessarily assuming everything from the show. As it is, the crash is too abrupt regardless. You need more in here, and that doesn't necessarily mean more padding.

>>He turned back to look at the crater as he walked away as quietly as he could.
Who's "he"? I'm assuming this is the guy from the prologue, but I saw no journey, no change in tone, and definitely no transition.

>>He continued to walk away as other ponies came out of their houses and looked out at the giant hole in the ground.



>>"No one HERE will beat me paraplegic."

>>Then he heard a voice from in front of him,
Wait, huh? This is all just so…random. "X happened. Now he's talking to himself. Now he 's talking to a random stallion! And waitwhat'sgoingonhere how do they know each other?"

Brain Status: Fried, with a side of PoTAToS

>>The Stallion laughed at him gently, "My boy...I am not the wither." He turned to reveal a hermitic cross on his flank, "I am a translated, like you."
…What's a translated?

Can has (noninfodump) background, please? kthxbai

>>"I actually have...it's called a Translation Gate...but I have no idea what it might mean..."

How does Twilight know what it is? Isn't it inter dimensional or something?

And given that, how does she not know what it means? Seriously— if you know what it is, you know what it represents. It's synonymous. If a Translation Gate is something represented by crosses, and it's used for dimensional travel, then its being here probably means that SOMETHING TRAVELLED THROUGH DIMENSIONS.

>>"The way Celestia did?", he said taking a step back, "Boy...SURELY you jest!"


Characters: 2.5/5
I really think you need to work on this. I really didn't get any feel for Celestia's voice even though she had most of the screen time this chapter. Furthermore, I didn't really know any more about the strange dimensional traveler— or the "god-destroyers'"— motivations/personality than I did at the end. And the Mane Six REALLY got the short end of the stick here. They're wooden cutouts; observers. If they're going to be in here, make their word count worthwhile.

Plot: 3/5
I think you definitely need to do quite a bit of reorganizing in terms of scenes and making them coherent. One minute I'm doing X, and the next I'm doing Y. You need to both make them connect and give them some kind of meaning in the larger story. This is also covered below in Setting, so take a gander down o'er there!

Setting: 1.5/5
You need to put more effort into this. I need pretty much everything here— SDT, scene description, scene transitions, and so on. You also need to put a lot more effort into making everything simple and coherent for the reader. Much of my time spent reading this was used trying to piece together all the random plot twists that you were trying to throw at us.

Heck— and this is just me— I'd suggest focusing on the Traveler (Ed) first and his interactions with the Mane 6, and then later introduce Celestia and her own difficulties. That way, everything is more streamlined and we have more time to get used to this world of yours.

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Mostly fine. A typo or two, here or there, but on the whole, twas pretty much awesome.

Originality: 3/5
I want to give you a higher score on this. I really do. It's an interesting idea, and I especially like the idea of Celestia being a HiE, rather than her meeting one. But you need to make the idea clearer and more accessible to the reader. I shouldn't have to focus on who's speaking to get an idea of what the heck is going on and why.

Total: 14.5/25

Final Thoughts: Okay, so here's what it comes down to. You've got a nice idea, and one that I think is both interesting and potentially engaging. But it isn't there yet. You're going to need to do quite a bit of work to get it to the point where I would want to go to the next chapter— and where I would trust that you, the author, would make that an easy and end enjoyable ride.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite Suggested?: Perhaps.

Best of luck on your revisions!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 97302
File 133462382270.jpg - (260.90KB , 772x1023 , Celestia_OBEY_dirty.jpg )
Welp, here we go! Into the review!


>>Celestia had been pacing more and more frequently, and had withdrawn from her usual affairs.
Okay, this is really bad SDT. It's an info dump that, not only do we not need, but also that completely prevents us from getting into the story.

For reference, this is your hook:

>>"Where art thou, Sister?" Luna called
Do I care where Celestia is? Not really. Does Luna care? Apparently. But at the moment, I can't be bothered to bring myself to. The reason for this lies in your opening scene. Luna confronting Celestia in media res is awkward, because it inevitably invokes a flashback. This might not be as bad, but it's certainly more boring. Instead of spinning in confusion, I'm finding myself wondering why I clicked on the link.

>>Her search led her to the castle library, where she found her sister paging through books of ancient history.
This here is the kind of thing that could easily be fleshed out into a full scene. Either that, or eliminated entirely. If ever you find that a sentence in your writing tells nothing more than how a character got from "Point A" to "Point B", strike it out. It's unneeded and, quite simply, clutter.

>>"Does something bother you, sister?" Luna asked.
Again, this is all about the transitions. Where's Celestia? What's she doing? What's Luna doing? Why are they there? These are all questions that you, the author, must answer for us ignorant readers when you set up and introduce a scene. They're also all questions that you've, as of yet, failed to answer.

>>I know it's been over ten centuries since you were entrusted with our secret, but can you remember?"


Right. I think I'll just let TVTropes do the talking for me.
>A form of exposition where one character explains to another something that they both know, but the audience doesn't. It has been described as a "pernicious form of infodump through dialogue".

Quite. Thank you, Interwebs.

I trust that sums it up? You can do a much better job at hinting at the backstory without outright stating it.

>>We are the last of our kind, you and I.
I know this should be a ground-shattering statement…but I really feel nothing with this. This is a line that could really, really hit hard, but to do that you need two things: first, a better establishment f the tone and mood of the scene, and two, a well-drawn characterization for both Celestia and Luna, so that we can more easily "feel their pain." Characters are built upon empathy of the readers, and that's lacing here. You can improve that with better formatting (for emphasis), body language, and so on.

>>"A letter of demands?"
As Rarity says: "Ideeeeaaa!"

Okay, let me lay it down for you.

The problem with your intro is that it starts out too in media res. That is, it's abrupt, requires too much background and infodump, and is just generally confusing. How to solve this, you may ask?

It's simple: Give us a scene at the beginning where Celestia receives the letter. Not only will it help you establish Celestia better as a character (before introducing Luna), but it will also let you show the transition from regal to sorrowful— and perhaps even allow you to introduce Twilight, Shining Armor, or some other character as well.

>>"Then we shall have to assert our control."

No, seriously: what? Is Celestia suggesting oppressing some random mystery ponies who sent an angry letter? What's in that letter? Why is she reacting in such an…over-the-top fashion? Why isn't Luna objecting more strenuously. WHY, WHY, WHY?

*goes off to sob hysterically in a corner*

>>Luna worried at what she was suggesting.
More SDT

>> Of note were the lack of social mobility and the unrepresentative and absolutist government that defined the Alicorn way of doing things.
Again, this is another place where more scenes at the beginning could help us. In fact, I recommend that you give us a full day in the life of Celestia even before she gets this letter. That way, we can see all the issues hinted at in this letter, and then see Celestia's own cognitive dissonance if she tries to deny them. It also further complicates matters by adding cemented politics and other, Equestria-wide problems, into what seems to be an (originally) VERY local affair.

>>"She can't just exile them to the moon and be done with it?"
Few things:

First, is this some kind of sick joke? I don't think anyone's been sent to the moon since NMM, and she was an…extreme case. Furthermore, I don't know who's saying this. Clarify, give body language— just do something that lets me know, in no uncertain terms, which pony is talking.

I'd also like to see a scene wherein the Mane 6 come together to discuss the letter before leaving. This is actually a big problem of yours that I'm noticing throughout. You like to start in media res, and then infodump us on what just happened. Wouldn't it be a better idea, just one or twice, to actually start with that preliminary event? At the very least, you could have less As You Know (AYK), and even more opportunity for character development.

>>They arrived at the door of the courtroom, where the guard directed them to their seating section. Shortly after the group was situated, the royal court was called to order.
Yet another cut where there's an opportunity for at least 2-3 scenes. *sigh* Really, you do need to put more into your writing than exposition and dialogue. That's not being mean— that's the honest truth.

>> One pony stood up from the benches. It was none other than Applejack's brother, Big Macintosh, who came forward to claim authorship of the letter.
Um. This is sudden (not to mention awkward).

I'm not even going to say anything on how Big Mac wouldn't be the type of pony to do this, because who knows? You might be able to pull it off. It might even be—

>>"We have always served our community faithfully and paid our taxes to the crown. It is the opinion of the majority that we are unfairly burdened by a government in which we have no representation, and we are troubled by the fact that our government has no duty to the citizens as to inform them as to what their tax bits are being spent on. We the ponies simply will not stand for it."

>>"Yes, well, it is the opinion of the monarchy that we know exactly what we're doing." Celestia replied. "Alicorn magic holds together the natural laws that allow Equestria to flourish. Without our benevolent rule, the everfree dominion would overtake all."

>>"With all due respect, the Alicorns have proven throughout history to be just as weak of rulers as any other pony, if not weaker in many cases. Your power has never been proven to be greater than simple telekinesis without the augmentation of an external object of power, i.e. the elements of harmony. This can be compared to a common unicorn's power."

>>"We rule because we are divine beings" said Celestia. "It was the decision of the elder gods to grant those of the Alicorn bloodline the combined power of the three races of Equestria, as well as sovereignty over all which our line rules over."

>>"Shut up, not a word about that!" shouted Celestia.

Okay, I'm not even going to start with the number of issues I have with this exchange.

…No, wait, I totally am.

Okay, let's start from the top.

1.) Why the heck is this Big Mac who's bringing this up? We have all of ONE LINE referring to "fancy mathematics" in the show, and suddenly now he's gone all Harvard Civics Philosophy Professor on us? What the buck? Not only is this OOC, its the worst type of OOC: OOC that's only there to make the conflict that drives the plot forward. This isn't even Big Mac speaking. This is some cardboard cutout who's being fed lines about government and power and stuff that I can't bring myself to care about for the simple reason that this isn't a Civics class, and last I checked, I don't have any tests coming up!

2.) Where are all these problems coming from? Even if I do concede that it doesn't matter which pony you use as a mouthpiece to voice this dissension (which it does), there still rests the huge issue of whether these problems exist. Can we really say, in any meaningful capacity, that ANY of these problems exist in Equestria? Hell, I wouldn't care if you made it up out of thin air and made this a full on AU— but unless you have clearly done so in this story, then I am forced to suspect that this is merely a contrivance made to push forward your "plot". Put in a scene or something that shows that these problems exist— in fact, put in five scenes! Ten! Anything to flesh out this obviously huge problem that you have going on here, with corruption, militarism— the whole lot. Yet I can't find anything here to suggest that. And that's a huge problem.

3.) I don't believe I've ever seen a character so OOC here as Celestia is right now (Well, to be honest, there was that one fic where Pinkie wanted to dismember Rainbow Dash and do something confectionary-related, but that is The Fic That Must Not Be Named). Let me make something clear here: Celestia is not arrogant. She has never shown herself to be so conceited or presumptuous as you're portraying her here. Finally, the Celestia of canon would never so bluntly ignore her subjects' honest objections (over-the-top and unfounded as they may seem). I'm trying to find that word that describes a person who thinks that they deserve everything, regardless of whether it's been earned or not. Pity I can't think of it. Bottom line? Fix this. You seemed to be setting Celestia up as a semi-sympathetic character in the library scene, but now she's just an OOC perversion as bad as Evil!Manipulative!Dumbledore from Harry Potter. (I actually regard it as worse because, while Dumbles does have some mess-ups to his name, Celestia certainly has no such thing, especially in this arena.)

4.) ..Divine right! That's the word. The idea of Divine Mandate held true in societies such as Mandarin China and Imperial Britain, wherein the monarch or emperor was believed to hold the approval of the God(s), and was therefore fully entitled to their position.

…Yeah. You can see where my objection to this is coming from, can't you?


Okay, wow. I'm actually just going to stop my line-by-line commentary here (not that there was much left anyway), because I havemany issues with this fic, not least of which is your portrayal of Luna as a sad, rebellious, "pathetic" younger sibling, with Celestia as a complete tyrant who would rather send her sister to the moon again than admit she might be wrong.

This is the same Celestia that stood with the Mane 6 against Discord? The same Celestia that welcomed her sister back with tears and open hooves? The same Celestia that took more pride in watching her friends have fun than in dusty old ceremony?

The same Celestia that lifts the Sun every day, not for herself, but for all of Equestria?


Characters: 0.5/5
I've actually surprised myself. I don't believe that I've ever given a score below a 1 in any category before. But (and I'm REALLY sorry to say this, as I don't want to discourage you, and nor do I want to come off as an oversensitive ass) your portrayal of Celestia actually…offended me, in a minor way. I'm perfectly okay with bashing in Harry Potter fics, Naruto fics, etcetera.

But you keep that shit AWAY from My Little Ponies.

In case you're not familiar with Bashing, here's a definition:

>>>Character bashing occurs when fans are hostile to a particular character and express their dislike through fanfiction, icons, and other fan activities. Any character may be bashed, from the hero to the new addition to a recurring character.
Bashing may be done in fanfic by depicting the character as a terrible person, such as making them extremely dogmatic or cruel when dealing with the author's woobie, sometimes to the point of being physically abusive; or having them otherwise fulfill the potentially OOC role of the villain. The bashed character may also be subjected to blackly comedic deathfics, derogatory nicknames and epithets, and other expressions of hate. Discussion of character-bashing frequently straddles the line between wank and unfunnybusiness, as deep emotional attachment to characters is a core element of fanning, and many fans will take offense at what they see as undeserved bashing.
Some fandoms include character-bashing in their definition of hatefic, which not only includes stories and tirades intent on humiliating specific characters, but entire fandoms

(from fanlore.org/wiki/)

I realize that you may not have intended to write this. That's perfectly reasonable. But, like it or not, you've done your best to portray Celestia as an arrogant, unlikeable, power-hungry tyrant focused only on her own self-gratification. And I kind of take issue with that.

Note that this isn't even getting into the Big Mac OOC Event, the VERY little focus you have (if any) on the Mane 6, and Luna's complete underrepresentation.

Plot: 1/5
There are so many instances in here where there are not only complete absences of scenes, but also plot holes so big I could drive Cloudsdale through them. I believe I've pointed them out enough above that I don't need to restate my issues here.

Setting: 1/5
Transitions, more scenes, SDT, and so on. Most of this is, again, above in the commentary notes.

Mechanics: 5/5
I seem to be saying this more and more: at least he (she?) edited. If it weren't readable, then I wouldn't have bothered giving you any feedback at all, so there's that to be proud of.

Originality: 1/5
I'm going to say this outright: There are much better ways you could pull this off. Not only has Tyrant!Lestia been done to death and back, but it's also a cliché that you didn't even bother putting much effort into developing. Here's an example of how you could make it interesting:

>Living with the establishment for a thousand years can make you a little blind to the idiosyncrasies of running a kingdom. But Luna's back, and what's more, she's starting to see some disturbing problems in the Canterlot elite's approach to "government". When Celestia's a figurehead who deals with little more than festivals and public events, can the Moon Goddess persuade her sister that she needs to wake up and smell the hay? What's more, can she do it without setting off the biggest civil war that Equestria's seen in centuries?

I wrote that in a minute, and, though it's just an example, it's an example of one possible route you could take this story. By no means am I telling you to take this story proposal and run with it (unless you want to)— instead, I'm pointing out a route that you could take that lets you keep everyone in character while simultaneously allowing you to keep the conflict that you've proposed here. Tyrant, power-hungry Celestia? Eh…nope. Bureaucy-encumbered, unknown figurehead Celestia? That's a bit easier to swallow. We've seen her confront kingdom-wide magical threats (such as Discord), but we've never seen her deal with tax law or legal briefs. There's room to expand here, and you really need to do it while keeping your characters believable.

Total: 8.5

Final Thoughts: There's to much to say here. You really have your work cut out for you. I'll gladly take a look at any second drafts you may have, seeing as they'll likely be completely "new", but I suggest that you take a good couple of weeks to buckle down and really decide what you want to get out of this story. If you can't do that, then you might want to consider writing a different prompt.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite Suggested?: Yes

I wish you the best of luck in your writing.
-Golden Vision
>> No. 97320
File 133462663756.jpg - (100.73KB , 900x675 , princess-twilight-sparkle-my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-26464045-900-675.jpg )
Well, this looks interesting! So much so that I'm going to forego the introduction and just jump right in!

…Wait, I have introductions? o.o


>>“Ohmygosh ohmygosh OHMYGOSH!
This isn't Dash talking.

This isn't meant to be comedic (I think).

Why is this here? ಠ_ಠ

Twilight is not a sheep.




>>“Sorry AJ, the word around Cloudsdale’s that there’s some kind of big contest that’s gonna come out of Canterlot, and if it has anything to do with flying, I have to practice to make sure I’m ready! After the whole water tornado thing, the Wonderbolts need to see me in tip-top shape!”
This is a fairly long bit of dialogue. As such, you need some body language by Rainbow Dash to space it out. For example:

>"…make sure I'm ready!" Rainbow Dash straightened up, smoothing her wings down with a haughty air. "After the whole water…"

And so on. This way, we get a better idea of who your characters and how they're acting. It also lets us visualize the scene better, which is a Scootasend for any readers.

((And yes, I am now substituting Scoot for God in any relevant oath or turn of phrase. Deal with it.))

>>“My loyal subjects blah blah blah
Okay, I'll give it to you plain and clear: Don't use "blah." In fact, don't use "aww." Or "eh." And if I hear so much as a single ~haa~ then I shall

Point clear? Don't write out your sound effects.

Describe them if you must, but don't write them out.

>>“Will everypony please just be quiet for an applepickin minute and let me read this letter that’s got Twilight so stress- ... wait a sec... where is Twilight?”
Scene description and body language would be MOST appreciated here, especially as the size of the cast present has just effectively doubled.


>>“Started? Started with what? You just sent the Princess a letter about what you learned yesterday.”
Short scene is short.

No, seriously. What's the point of this scene? How does it advance the plot? How does it further develop your characters? How does it do anything other than increase the tension that doesn't really serve any point? (seeing as we, the audience, already know exactly what's going on)

>> “Princess for a week? Is that what the big deal is?” Rainbow scoffed.
Okay, here's a suggestion: Have Twilight read the letter in a scene that's visible to the reader. Heck, have Celestia tell it to her in person. Have her hint at it throughout a prologue, and then reveal it at the end. I don't care. Just get rid of this really annoying "confusion moments" that don't really do much but irritate the reader with your pacing.

>>‘My loyal subjects, it is my pleasure to announce to you a contest, where my sister and I shall choose from among the entrees a winner,
…What's Celestia's motivation in doing this?

Again: No, seriously. I'm asking that, and you really do have to answer it right now, especially considering you don't even have the [Random] tag to justify yourself.

Let's see if you tell us why this chapter.

>>“...Right. Well, if you win Pinkie, I’m sure it’ll be one hay of a hoe-down.”
Who's saying this? It's quite unclear. Unless it's AJ, Rarity, AND Dash, in which case it still needs to be made clearer.

>>“My loyal subjects, it is my pleasure to announce to you a contest,

>>I shall choose from among the entrees a winner, who will have the chance of a millennium: the chance to reign over all of Equestria, as prince or princess, for an entire week.

>>The rules of this contest are simple: those who wish to enter for a chance to win must write and prepare a speech, to be presented before the royal court, explaining why you would desire the honor of ruling our fair land and what makes you fit to do so.

>>“Whoa. Ruler over all of Equestria for a whole week? That’s so cool!”
Who said this?

Where are they?

What's going on?

What's the occasion?

How did they get there?

What are their reactions?

What's the crowd like?

Why am I asking so many questions?

(I think you can answer that last one yourself).

>>Twilight was already busying herself at the center of a swirling mass of books that she levitated off the shelves.
Wait…weren't they just listening to Celestia's speech not…18 words ago? Wow. Offscreen implied teleportation for the win indeed!

(AKA, the lack of scene transitions is TOO DAMN HIGH!)

>>It’s like I’ve been groomed for this my entire life!

Okay, I'm just going to say this outright.

I'm getting HUGE OOC vibes from Twilight at this point. Canon Twilight would never be this eager— we've seen from Boast Busters that she would never go out of her way to make herself noticed. Even so, we also saw in The Best Night Ever that she would rather have the Princess to herself rather than flaunt her status at others. I could see Rarity or AJ persuading Twilight to give it a go, but the way she's going after this so eagerly just makes it seem as though she's really very self-centered in this situation (not to mention expecting gratification based on who she is than what she's done, which is even more OOC for Twilight).

>>“Completely off her rocker?” Rarity gave Dash a disapproving look. “…high-strung.”
You really need to stop telling us who's talking two lines after the fact. Give us in-time body language, or at least a clear setup of who's talking and when before the conversation begins. Don't assume that we can just retroactively infer who said what in the dialogue that we just read once you say, "Oh, so Rarity had all of the odd-numbered lines, and Dash had the even ones!"

>>Pinkie looked sadly at her chocolate cake. “But… but it’s from the Cakes, to thank me for getting Mmm to Canterlot safely!”
Wait…what? I don't get the point of this. Is it funny? Random? Or just kind of forced?

(In case you didn't get it, I'm voting the latter).

>>her eyes seemingly stolen from Derpy Hooves,
Don't reference characters that haven't been brought up yet. Seriously. It throws the reader off, and momentarily destroys the suspension of disbelief.

>>I would think that being the greatest and most magically-gifted student of one of the judges might give me a slight advantage.

>>Even if they don’t have much of a chance, it’d be nice to have some support.

I don't believe I've met a character more self-centered than your portrayal of Twilight— and I've read Sasuke bashing Naruto fics, too! Twilight isn't like this. She's shy, somewhat socially awkward, and not at all prone to denigrating her friends and their achievements. It's doing more than harming my suspension of disbelief; it's also bringing down the curtains on any conceptualization that I might have on Twilight as a real character.

>>“Count me out too. I might be Daring Do’s biggest fan, but, no offense Twilight, I’m not enough of an egghead to wanna write a speech for anything. But I will still go. Something this big a deal?
Okay, I'm sorry, but I really came into this expecting an interesting competition, not the Pony Piss Off Competition, Guest-Starring Pinkie Pie.

I want to see an honest, well-fought competition. I want to see the ramifications of that. I don't want to see the two most competitive ponies drop out of the race before it's even begun.

>>“Oh Angel, what should I do? Were my friends right? Should I go with them and enter this contest?”

>>“Angel, do you…” she sniffed, “do you really think I can do it?” He merely nodded his head once and handed her the pen and paper. “Ok” she sniffed again, smiling this time. “I’ll do it.”

What did this scene accomplish, other than showing that Fluttershy is a weak character who will go with whatever another character wants of her? It's no different if Angel is doing it versus if Twilight is.


Characters: 1.5/5
I'll say it outright (again): I really did not like how you portrayed Twilight. Furthermore, I found myself unable to connect with any of the characters, found Fluttershy more annoying than sympathetic, and lacked any sort of connection with Celestia— you know, the literal Deus Ex Machina who's starting this whole plot?

Plot: 2/5
There are a ton of issues here, not least of which is that none of the ponies really have a legitimate motivation to "run for Princess." That links to Characters, sure, but it also has a direct impact on how your plot can flow. Furthermore, a speech? Really? Even Erec Rex (the book series) had a better idea, and it didn't even try to take itself very seriously at all! A competition is a competition. It is most empathetically not a forum where only well-read ponies can deliver their ideas and proposals in a clear and favorable manor because they happened to be on the Speech team in the Canterlot School For Gifted Unicorns.

…Yeah. You thought Applejack would have any chance of winning that? Beggin' yer pard'n, but I don' really see how that'd be happenin'.

At all.

And that's leaving out the biggest plot hole of all:

Why is Celestia holding this competition?

I'll leave you to answer this for yourself.

Setting: 2.5/5
There were times, yes, where I could point and say to myself, "See, he does know what he's doing!" But then there were others were I got so caught up in your lack of scene transitions and confusing dialogue structure that my head started to spin and I had to dunk it in a vat of cold cider. So work on that. All the plot and character development in the world won't get you anywhere if you're not willing to faithfully lead the reader from Point A to Point B.

Mechanics: 3.5/5
Some definite issues throughout. You had problems with awkward phrasing, writing out sound effects, and so on. You need to work on that.

Originality: 2/5
I'll be honest. I came into this fic expecting something similar to the popular fic Duties, in which Twilight and the others are uplifted to become Princesses on par with the Royal Sisters. Politics, power struggles, new responsibilities— oh my! But all I've seen thus far in this fic has been arrogant posturing by your characters, and a plot that doesn't really make sense. Make this worth my time, as a reader. As a reviewer, I'm more than happy to use up my evening to help you improve your craft, but as a writer, I would have tabbed out of this fic by the second page.

Total: 11.5/25

Final Thoughts: I'm a reviewer, and as such, I'm here to help you, not to insult you. I think you could have something very interesting here— maybe along the lines of Total Drama Island (from what little I've seen of it, SciFi recluse that I am)— but so far, it's failing to pull its own weight. This is a nice story concept, but you need to do a lot more to bring it to fruition. So remember, I'm criticizing you not because I don't like your fic, but because I care about it and honestly want it to do well.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Suggested?: Yes.

I wish you the best of luck in your future drafts.
-Golden Vision
>> No. 97367
Thanks for your criticisms! Honestly, I think I'm more disappointed in myself than hurt by anything you said haha.

As far as characterization, I feel like I'm drowning in irony, since I was just talking with a friend about trying to stick as close to canon as possible. Looking back, I suppose I was pulling from Freindship is Witchcraft where Twilight wants to be princess, and the rest of the story would mostly be based off of that premise... so knowing that, does that justify it in the least if I can tweak it to show her shy side? Or would you simply recomend a total overhall?

And would you recomend shying away from random/humorous scenes that don't advance the plot, or are they fine now and then when they aren't too long and don't disrupt the flow of the story?

And I can see how a lot of the dialogue was confusing, I was a little too timid about repeating "he said/she said". I think I improved as far as SDT as I went, but I need to apply it to much of the beginning too.

Thanks for all the advice! Assuming my whole premise is still salvageable, I hope I can make some major improvements to bring before you again!
>> No. 97381
I personally think that you have two paths you can take (which, by no means are completely exclusive— you should feel free to come up with your own ideas— but based on your fic, here's what I've got):

1.) You can keep your characterization of Twilight and the others and shift the fic from a normal/sad to a more comedic style. If that's the case, then you can focus more on flanderizing the characters for Lulz, as well as throwing in those random scenes of humor that you seem to like.


2.) You get rid of your current characterizations of the Mane Six, buckle down, and write up a serious and canonical perspective on the whole concept.

I'm not saying one is better than the other. The second idea would be a good path for a Friendship/Meaning (and possibly Politicking) fic, while the first would be much more useful as a Crack!Fic. It's all up to you, really, and where you want to go with it. Either way, though, you're definitely looking at a large overhaul, whether of character voices and interpretations (not to mention plot holes and scenes), or the story's orverarching premise. It's your choice.

>> No. 97540
File 133467944520.png - (93.75KB , 500x441 , Cookie.png )
'Lo, Mr. Vision. I have returned to request that, perhaps, you can re-review the ending of my fic again? (Um, that would be Wonderful Nemesis, if you don't recall my name.) It's not quite done yet, due to my "business" (e.g watching YouTube and playing horror games), but I don't want to re-submit my fic only to get turned away!

Thank ya.
>> No. 97541
File 133467980794.png - (93.75KB , 500x441 , Cookie.png )
'Lo, Mr. Vision. I have returned to request that, perhaps, you can re-review the ending of my fic again? (Um, that would be Wonderful Nemesis, if you don't recall my name.) It's not quite done yet, due to my "business" (e.g watching YouTube and playing horror games), but I don't want to re-submit my fic only to get turned away!

Thank ya.
>> No. 97578
File 133469294341.jpg - (46.93KB , 500x500 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-the-pip-hath-been-gobbled.jpg )
I will say yes, if only because that is a wonderful picture and I must see it posted EVERYWHERE on the interwebs.

Just don't forget to submit it to my queue! (unlike some other authors ¬.¬)
>> No. 97579
File 133469306115.jpg - (46.93KB , 500x500 , my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-the-pip-hath-been-gobbled.jpg )
I will say yes, if only because that is a wonderful picture and I must see it posted EVERYWHERE on the interwebs.

Just don't forget to submit it to my queue! (unlike some other authors ¬.¬)
>> No. 97606
File 133470318217.png - (176.88KB , 498x273 , paradiselost.png )
OK! First chapter time!
NOTE: At the time of posting it is 87% Completed.
By the time you get to it, it will be finished.

Title: Paradise Lost
Author: RaptorSenior
Tags: Dark, Adventure
Characters: Jazz Beat (OC), Twilight Sparkle

Synopsis: A lie begets a lies, and the world is protected by one. When a mysterious entity threatens to wipe out all of Existence, the only hope lies in Twilight Sparkle, with the help of Guide-in-training Jazz. Together, they must find out what Destiny has in store for all of them, before it's too late.

Length: At Posting: 4000 +
>> No. 97607
Needs a link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LRywChIFXkSMm3XajHeAh5OoufIP92jrrfs_ESlVUSI/edit
>> No. 97635

Alright, I will be sure to do a rewrite. This was a first draft and I have been meaning to figure out what I should do with it. I was going to add an extra 10K words, but I didn't want them to be absolute crap. I'll be sure to do an outline on the voices and consider what you've said on those 10K words and the edits for the original 5K.

Anyway, I do have one more fic for you that is a lot cleaner in regards to the prose and voice.

Title: Hanging Shelves and Making Cider
Name: Bearycool and assisted by Ravensdagger
Tags: [random] [comedy]
Characters: Part 1: Spike and Twilight.
Part 2: The Flim Flam brothers

Part 1 synopsis: Twilight Sparkle; the most studious librarian in Equestria. But when things get physical how will this young mare handle herself?

Part 2 synopsis: The Flim Flam brothers; one of the most famous brothers in the entire world. But when things get physical, will they be able to handle the pressure?

Length: 2835

Note: Part 1 and Part 2 have the same themes and build, but are to be seen as two little fics in of themselves. IT IS NOT a clopfic, I swear.

>> No. 97638
Oh, also, I reworked the things you asked me for, so could you also look over that once more?

here's the link so you don't have to hunt for it:

>> No. 97660
File 133471840831.png - (83.33KB , 945x945 , Lyra_ew_gay.png )
Hello there! My apologies for taking so long, /fic/ people. School came up, and exams really aren't—

Oh, who am I kidding. I've been Minecrafting for the past five hours. IT'S TRUE, IT'S ALL TRUE. I DO HAVE A PROBLEM.

Ahem. Moving right along!


Line-By-Line Commentary

>>Once again the clerks of Ponyville’s central market were taking advantage of their customers, and Fluttershy didn’t like it in the slightest.
This whole paragraph is really badly in media res. Additionally, if there's a scene we should know about, then show it to us. If not, then don't show it to us— don't even give us the details in mental flashbacks.

>>And now the cherry vendor is trying to pull the same old schtick as last time.
Tense confusion.

>>“The last time I was here, you sold a cherry to a random mare for two bits,” she argued.
Fluttershy can be assertive. That's okay; that's character development. But here, she really comes off as a sort of pro to Flutterbitch. Fluttershy can persuade. She can even discuss. But she doesn't argue unless it's really a serious situation. So, to put it shortly, she's OOC here, and that made the whole scene quite unpleasant. I did enjoy the vendor getting his comeuppance, but like in the show (which had a justification for it), it's really just coming from the wrong pony.

>>After noticing some the rude looks some of the shoppers gave him, he quickly changed his demeanor to a less furious one,
I'm just picking this one bit here to showcase my point— you do quite a bit of Telling (where you should instead by Showing) throughout your fic. I'm not going to show you every example, but this one here should be enough. Instead of saying that he "changed his demeanor," tell us:

>He blinked a few times, catching his breath. The redness slowly subsided from his cheeks until he appeared at least somewhat in control of himself. "Look—"

And so on.

>>She knew how to be assertive, and became very good at it, thanks to the help of a overconfident minotaur.
Okay, I'm just pointing this out as SDT. You're telling us directly what Fluttershy thinks, rather than revealing it to us in her thoughts, words, and actions. That's a no-no.

>>“Same as always,” assured the orange earth pony. “Four bits for a bushel.”
You need body language here. I can see that they're talking, but I have no idea what the tone or style of the conversation is. Even putting:

>"Same as always," Applejack said with a smile and a wink. "Four bits for a bushel."

Is a vast improvement.

Also, you can just say "she said" instead of "assured" or "admitted." It's a problem even I have, but we really just skip over those parts anyway when reading, so keeping it simple is probably for the best.

>>the yellow pony admitted.
I'm afraid that you, dear sir, are suffering from Purple Unicorn Syndrome. In other words, you are unable to address a character by a proper noun or else a simple pronoun, instead resorting to descriptive terms such as the above.

To put it simply, just say "Fluttershy said" (if it's not obvious who's talking or acting), or "she said" (if it is obvious).

>>She was able to converse with Applejack and other friends she’d happen to run into every so often. She could attend her weekly spa treatments with Rarity. And, with the spare time she had today, she decided to take a brief moment to look at the town bulletin.
Show us these events/scenes. Don't just taunt us with them. More scenes, especially in a genre like this, are always good for developing the setting and character personalities.

>>Before she could realize it, Angel had already swallowed the cherry in one bite.
I just want to say here that I think you hit Angel and Fluttershy's relationship and interactions right on the nose. For that, good sir, you get a slow clap.


Excellent work. I especially liked the bit where Angel essentially went "lol, whatever" at the flyer and hopped off to do more bunny things.

>>“Oh goddesses! I am so, so, so, soooooo sorry, darling! I swear, didn’t mean to scare you like that! I’d never!” he contiued
Oh, gosh. I actually have to say that I really enjoyed this bit here, although I think you could have done a bit more to emphasize the awkward silence and preliminary "introductions" in this scene. I actually do have a gay friend who really loves playing up the Drama Queen angle (he amuses himself by using it to annoy people), and this really just smacked me on the face with his general in-your-face personalty.

That said, however, I do hope that you're going to give us some more down to earth gay ponies/griffons/etc, and not just stick with the stereotype. I shall reserve my judgement for now.

>>My name is Godric.”
I see what you did there. *shifty eyes*

>>Fluttershy and Godric had already talked for about ten minutes before another pony walked through the hospital’s front doors.
Okay, suggestion: have them actually talk, on screen. It doesn't even have to be for ten minutes. Just give us their discussion in order to build up both's characters before introducing a new pony. It will let you make Godric more of a real person, per se, and allow you to directly introduce a new pony without needing a scene break to do it.

Oh, and it avoids Telling. But you already knew that.

>>The three walked out onto the third floor and continued onward to the meeting room.
Um…I'm really wondering why there are only three of them. Even if you wanted to portray this assembly as a very unpopular thing, I'd recommend putting in at least two other OCs or background ponies in this scene in order to flesh it out, not to making the whole meeting seem worth more than just two friends (Godric and Liberty) getting together to chill for the evening. Make this meeting seem worthwhile— make it seem important.

>>He was a fairly young unicorn, most likely having just reached the age of adolescence.
Ah, okay. I'm hoping this will be our non-stereotypical (and actually anti-stereotypical) gay pony, not to mention our fourth member. I suppose it remains to be seen whether we'll meet anyone else.

I'm also firmly believing that Liberty is either transgender or lesbian at this point. I'm not sure, but that's just the direction your narrative seems to be pointing toward.

>>He unicorn grunted in return. “Fine, mom.”
First, typo. Secondly, is she actually his mom? If not, then add in some italics and some body language to show that he's being sarcastic. If she is, then restructure their whole introductory conversation to make it obvious that they do, indeed, have a familial relationship.

>>“If you are referring to the meeting of the Ponies for Gay Rights, then yes, this is, what you call, the homosexual meet-up.”
I'm starting to question exactly how it's possibly for Fluttershy to be this uninformed. Even if it's only a small flutter of recognition for the word(s), she should have some idea of what it means or implies.

>>“Excuse, but... are you checkin’ me out, sister?”
Ooh, I like this pony. She seems fun— kind of a cross between Surprise and Spitfire.

>> The black unicorn rattled off numerous threats of injury to the bright orange pegasus. In return, the orange mare continuously referred to the unicorn as a sadist with a filthy mouth and daddy issues.
Show, Don't Tell. Thankee.

I'm honestly wondering whether this is a reaction to:
a.) Rape (as the word sodomize implies)
b.) Homosexuality (which is actually a fairly common condition in animals, which Fluttershy is knowledgeable about, and therefore would have no reason to be offended by)
c.) Sex itself (which, admittedly, is a fairly believable idea, but one that doesn't exactly fit with the concept of "sodomy" unless you make it clear that it's the "physical" part that she's objecting to, and not the "gay" part)

I'll be the first to admit that nobody likes a Loving Sue. But Fluttershy, one of the most accepting and tolerant ponies on the show, wouldn't react like this to the idea that some ponies might like their own genders romantically. She'd definitely find it awkward and even embarrassing that she's being flirted with, but thats just Fluttershy, not latent homophobia.

I just want to quickly say that I rather liked your method of scene breaks. It was certainly aesthetically pleasing, and was much better than my method of:

> o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o


Characters: 3/5
I think you really got Fluttershy off on the wrong foot in the first section, but you definitely earned those points back with your interesting and, quite frankly, well-portrayed characters. I've already got a basic idea of each's personalities from just a few lines of dialogue. There are few things you need to work on, though, not the least of which is giving Liberty some lines that actually showcase her as more than Madame Plot Device/Exposition. I think she could be genuinely interesting, and you really didn't do much in her favor.

I would have also liked to see more buildup, more bantering and conversation, and so on, leading up to Fluttershy leaving. That way, we really get to see the characters as three-dimensional right away, rather than merely well-colored in. You've got a good start; now you just need to expand upon it and flesh these character ideas out. I suggest writing character bios, with major events in their pasts, motivations (abstract), and concrete, current goals. That way, you get a better feel for your characters, and it will come across in your writing.

I also didn't really like how Fluttershy came across at the end, but I've already made that clear. When your OCs are doing well, that's great, but they should never do so at the expense of canon.

Plot: 3/5
I think it's interesting enough. However, I would have definitely liked to see more of a general "anti-gay" or "ignorance" bias in Ponyville itself, especially in the intro, even before you get to the meeting. This way, you can slip in subtle clues (perhaps a side conversation or an oblique reference— maybe even to Lyra and Bonbon? Just a thought) that set up the reader for the eventual "reveal."

Setting: 2.5/5
This was the main area where I really thought you needed work on. The SDT quotient in this chapter was abysmally high and, while it wasn't quite unreadable, it came close in certain parts. Stop telling us what the characters think and instead tell us what they're thinking. It's a subtle difference, but a significant one— and furthermore, one that you can reveal through body language, dialogue, and other subtle hints.

Mechanics: 3/5
There were a few issues with tense and typos that I noticed throughout. I'm also docking you here for the constant "admitting" or "posing" or "assurances" that I noticed while reading. Just say "said." It won't kill you, and it won't make the reader's eyes sore during a basic conversation. Body language and stylistic tone will fill in any blanks that may be formed by replacing "admitted" with "said."

Originality: 3.5/5
It's definitely a fun idea, and I think Fluttershy is actually one of the best characters that you could use to explore it. I think that you definitely need to do more in this chapter to establish a real conflict. Aside from Fluttershy's accidental (and, quite bluntly, OOC) homophobia, we really don't see any reason for this group to exist. Give us a conflict. Give us a reason to see this group coming together.

And so on.

Total: 15/25

Final Thoughts: I really must say that I found your story very enjoyable throughout. I usually don't like fics that explore either romantic or social issues in terms of pony fiction, but your got my eye and got my interested. It's obvious that you have a strength in characterization, but that needs to be focused in making sure that established characters stick to the paths that canon has established for them. That really hurt you, as did the SDT and Purple Unicorn/Fancy "Said" Syndromes.

I think that, to really improve this, your biggest focus should be on fleshing out areas where we need more detail and characterization, as well as making sure that you're getting the tone and canonicity right. Rewatch Bridle Gossip, Staremaster, and Hurricane Fluttershy to get a better idea of Fluttershy's general attitude and voice. She can be assertive without being cruel, as well as awkward without being prejudiced. That's something that you really do need to work on.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Suggested?: Not really.

I wish you the best of luck in your future drafts!
-Golden Vision


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0
Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 97663
So, seeing as I've looked this over several times before, I'm just going to do a cursory flyby this time.

1.) You had a lot of issues with transitions and "scene suddenness" throughout. I would really like to see a smoother flor between, say, Twilight bantering with Spike and Fluttershy appearing behind the chicken coop. I felt very rushed at times. This is really the kind of issue where only the author knows how to solve it, whether it's through more dialogue, better scene setup (recommended), or just generally fleshing things out.

2.) I think you got the tones and voices of the characters pretty much on-target. I didn't notice anything really off-key, so you've done a good job there.

3.) You pulled off the Luna and Berry scenes very well. The last lines for each gave me chills down my spine.

So, in short, it's much improved, but still not perfect. It's at what I like to call the "stylistic hump", where only an author's personal touch can really flesh it out and make it into a Great Fic. And I know for a fact that you can do it.

I'll get to the rest of the fics in my queue by tomorrow. For now, bon nuit, everypony!
-Golden Vision


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0
Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 97678
Hello. I would like to submit a story that I've been working on for a while now. It's currently undergoing a major revamp, and I believe the first chapter is ready.

Title: Neo-Equestria
Author: herpyderpy
Tags: [Alternative Universe] [Dark] [Adventure]
Characters: Apple Family (for now)
Synopsis: In an Equestria where technology drives ponykind, there is no greater discovery than the gemstone reactors that provide energy to the privileged ponies of Equinetropolis, Canterlot and other major cities.
However, progress is not without its sacrifices. And regrettably, with great power comes corruption and greed.
Bound by the invisible threads of fate, our unlikely heroes will together face the greatest peril the land has ever seen.
Length: ~3k (chapter1)
5) Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GOmFmn2et6XZ_i3yYOzae-FtuZEWAKzM32vHKDGczrw/edit

I hope to have the next two chapters ready within a couple of days, let me know if you would be interested in taking a look. Thanks!

Notes: Comments are enabled, so go ahead and paint it in yellow if you wish. Also, this story is in Umbra's queue.
>> No. 97702
Thanks for the kind words. Now, when you say better scene development, how do you mean? I could easily throw in a bit more dialogue, but I want to aim big here. Could you go into detail a little bit?
>> No. 97709
Can I also ask for an in-depth review?

I need this story to be up-to-par with the Prelude before I post it on Monday.
>> No. 97782
Heres the link for yah just like you asked. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19262/1/Fatherhooves/Fatherhooves
>> No. 97829
File 133480469938.jpg - (235.84KB , 900x580 , 67064 - artist-equestria-prevails bed celestia derpy_hooves lesbian luna pink_celestia.jpg )
Welp, I already did the line-by-line stuffs in the GDoc, so let's move onto the overall review, shall we?


Characters: 2.5/5
Ugh…I actually really wanted to give this a lower score, but I couldn't. Where you got it right, you really did it well— but where you messed up, it was really almost painful.

Here's what you did right:
>You gave Derpy (er, Ditsy) her own voice and made her a likable character.
>You let Celestia and Derpy's relationship seem both interesting and acceptable, given the circumstance.
>The first person monologue was definitely entertaining at times.

Here's what I really, most empathetically, did not like.

>Certain characters were flanderized.
I believe all I need to say here is "Diamond Tiara." She's a little hellion, yes, but you made her both a Complete Villain and gave her a completely unrealistic reaction to Celestia's "reveal".
>The "Whooves'" relationship, while nice, wasn't explored very widely
As I said before, it was interesting. It was even nice. But that was all. Ditsy was Ditsy (if a bit more socially awkward than I expected her to be, at least with someone she was comfortable with), and Troll/Molestia was…exactly as I expected her to be (given the tone of the monologue hinting at her "adult" nature). But I really couldn't see what had drawn them together. What made them more than friends. Why Celestia hadn't picked someone else. Why Ditsy hadn't picked someone else. You've managed to intrigue me— good job. Now let me explore this relationship and make it worth my time.

And here's the worst of the lot:
>Celestia was horribly, HORRIBLY, OOC
I'm going to start by mentioning that I can deal with Alternate Character Interpretations. Trollestia and Molestia are okay if they're played for laughs, and TyrantLestia is perfectly acceptable in a full AU. But while you did try and take small pieces of each of these concepts and piece them together, it wasn't internally consistent. I most definitely could not reconcile my mental image of Celestia as a wise and learned alicorn princess with a Trollestia who hates paperwork and messing with people (little fillies!), and with a Molestia who just wants to get Ditsy in bed, and with a Nice Mommy/Daddy Doctor Whooves, which really was the worst contrast.

I know what you're going to say: that it's perfectly okay for someone to have this many sides to their persona. "It's three-dimensional," after all. Yet I cannot honestly say that there was a single point in your fic where I could conceivably take all these scattered and fragmented personality bits and put them together to make one single Celestia.

Plot: 2/5
It's a Slice Of Life fic, so I'm certainly not going to penalize you for not having some sort of Epic Plot. (And yes, I may Capitalize Any Word I Wish; I am an Internetter, and that is my Foremost Right as a Ranter) However, what any good fic needs is transitions, and all too often in your fic, I was left thinking: "So that happened. And that. Whatever."

There were a LOT of instances where you could have made a scene both smoother and more impressive by building up the narrative to that point. Big instances of this were:
>Celestia's reveal to Dinky
>Diamond Tiara's outburst
(was that even necessary? It was a really bad BLAM that really served no purpose)
>Celestia revealing herself to Ponyville
>Celestia proposing to Ditsy
>Dinky's transformtion

And while on the subject of the second to last point—

No. Actually, I'm going to let that wait until Setting.

Setting: 2/5
You did very well here with body language, so there's that. However, there were quite a few times when you slipped almost entirely into Infodump, As You Know, full-on Telling mode, especially early on in Celestia's monologue. This was bad, really bad. Show, Don't Tell. I'm also taking a bit off here for the lack of event/action transitions, because setting that kind of thing up is, like the name suggests, an intrinsic part of Setting as well as Plot.

And then, here's my biggest issue: You have ALL of Ponyville know about Celestia's identity.

Not only did you miss a huge opportunity here to pull off a big shock moment, but you also pretty much undermined the entire point of using a disguise in the first place. I'm assuming that Celestia can't (or won't) just make Ditsy some kind of Royal Consort, so why would that information be common knowledge? She has no reason to want that information to spread until she's good and ready for everyone to know, so why do they?

It's worsened by the fact that there's literally no impact on things happening, except for Pinkie's little bit of dialogue at the Cakes'. Celestia doesn't interact with Twilight or the Mane Six in the slightest. That first one is especially egregious, considering that Twilight is pretty much Celestia's daughter in spirit at this point. "Baby sibling stealing Mom's attention," much?

Mechanics: 4/5
Some minor slip-ups. Nothing too bad. I recommend going over it and proofreading thoroughly in order to get rid of unneeded ellipses, correct tense and conjugation, etc.

Originality: 3/5
I will freely admit that I was pretty much shocked by the pure audacity of this fic when I got to the second page and Celestia's admission of genderbending the good Doctor Whooves. That's actually a good thing, if you can pull it off. But what you need to really pull it off is a real voice for Celestia, and until you work out what I've noted in the Characters section, that won't be happening.

Total: 13.5/25

Final Thoughts: I came out of this fic with the feeling that my sensibilities had been horribly offended even as I was forced to admit that I had actually somewhat enjoyed it, if only for the audacious and occasionally heartwarming premise. That's good— that means that this fic is worth something, and that's good. But there were far too many instances where I was thrown off completely.

My advice? Throw off the genderbending/Doctor Whooves angle completely. Goodness knows we get enough F/F shipping fics that don't give one jot about sexual reproduction and basic biology. A Unicorn Did It, you can say, if asked about Dinky. Keep a Sunny Skies (I think that's the fanon name) angle if you wish, with Celestia assuming a "mortal" form to interact with her family. But the Whooves thing threw me off so much that I was twitching pretty much every time it was brought up.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Suggested?: Partially

Finally, my apologies for taking so long to get to your fic. I've been a lazy ass recently, with holidays coming up so soon, and have neglected to really do anything productive overall.

I will gladly look at any revised draft that you come up with for me, and welcome any comments or questions that you may have.

Golden Vision
>> No. 97897
File 133484791411.jpg - (3.01KB , 64x64 , ___NightmareShyAvatar.jpg )

Thanks. Looks like it's due for major revision...I guess maybe the Diamond Tiara stuff would be good for its own self-contained story.

I will note one major gripe: It did lay out at the very beginning, "Despite common belief, we alicorns don't actually live forever. We just happen to live for a very, very long time." I don't think I'll ever write a story with the Princesses being truly immortal. Something in my brain just doesn't like that concept. Death is clearly a reality on the show, and it's never specifically been mentioned that the Princesses are indeed immortal - just that they're somewhere around a thousand or two thousand years old. I figure they're more like pony Dúnedain, honestly. I suppose that line could be changed to explicitly state "We're actually very mortal," though...

Anyways, that gripe aside: Mind taking a look at another story of mine? The pre-readers said "awkward reading and show vs. tell issues." I'm already seeing a lot of those issues myself, and have a rather large list of changes already noted. I just want to know if I missed anything. I really want get this one perfect, because it's probably the most personal fic I've written. And it's been languishing at the bottom of another rather AFK reviewer's queue too long for my patience (I have asked they remove it from their queue, don't worry.)

Here's the info:

Title: Family and Friends

Author: Raefire

Tags: Sad

Characters: Applejack & Winona

Synopsis: There comes a time where we all must let go. But never will we forget.

Length: ~3,300 words

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VVk7FeOFEb4YF2YRgCleU-b5nl1kQrbV_gPDfY4tgqA/edit

Please go to town and back on this one. Like I said, I really want it to be absolutely perfect. Hopefully the characterization is far better (it damn well should be, seeing as I was southern-born.)

Thanks again!

>> No. 97899
File 133484825991.jpg - (3.01KB , 64x64 , ___NightmareShyAvatar.jpg )

Er... "awkward wording," not "awkward reading."

Dear chanboards - edit post option, plskthnx?
>> No. 97923
Goodness, I would love that function so much if it were available. I'd likely abuse it horribly, but I see no problem with that!

Also, you're in the queue. So good news— I should get to you by either tonight or tomorrow.



My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0
Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 97926
Okay. As of now, I have reworked the beginning scene of the first chapter. I would like it if you could go over it and tell me if it's headed in the right direction character and plot-wise

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1INqdfML9YeVWzU8BjQg7zkSjGurxLXSeSRK8UaDNgUo/edit

>> No. 98041
Hey, Mister Vison. It's me from that fic, remember? No? Nevermind =D

Anyway you told me to plonk my crap up in this hood here. Honestly, I'm not asking for a super review so just feel free to pass over or ignore this entirely, but I'd just like to know what you think generally, writer to writer. This fic's already been out for a while and I don't think I'm going to make any major changes, but I AM applying feedback to a new psychological horror fic that I'm working on in the future.

I know also that this is rife with a bunch of grammatical errors, and I apologize for that in advance. I recognize them now, but I still have trouble with it because I'm from Asia, and our syntax is MESSED UP.

So let's have at it, aye?

Fair Warning: Although not graphic, this fic is quite suggestive, but it plays into the theme.

Also, you are either going to love it, or absolutely hate it. So far this has been a running theme in feedback. Either you're going to get it or not, so if you tell me it's the worst thing ever, I'm not going to mind so much =) Feel free with your words.

But enough about this. Let's get on with it.

Author Name: KitsuneRisu

Tags: [Psychological Horror] [Dark] [Suspense] [Romance]

Characters: Mane 6; Princess Celestia

Synopsis: When an ancient and powerful magic is triggered despite all warnings, Twilight finds herself regretting ever going public about her relationship with Princess Celestia. As one by one, all her friends start to change in wonderous and mysterious ways, can she find a way to reverse the spell in time, and still remain friends with her kin and the Princess?

Length: 17,500


Awaiting to hear your thoughts!

P.S. Awesome video, dude. Hahahaha.
>> No. 98323
Title: "Help Wanted" - Episode 1 of My Little Pony: What Went Wrong
Author Name: ReviewAcquisitionProgram
Tags: [Adventure][Slice-of-Life]
Characters: [Derpy Hooves][Mane 6][OC][Spike]
Synopsis: In a low-rent apartment building near Ponyville's Market Square, a wall-eyed pony named Derpy Hooves awakens from a dreadful night's sleep to find herself running late to a job that she's terrible at. In the ruins of a crumbling tower deep in the Everfree Forest, a chance wind echoes through the hollows and sings the song of a forgotten past. In Room 401 of Ponyville Memorial Hospital's Neurological Treatment Ward, a black flame reveals the mad blood-scribblings of an Earthpony who disappeared from under lock and key . . .
Length: 8820 words

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/186xC40hvVuAIGxuMf_DMAL3ne6u1aBPlCf6w9Knrj6o/edit
>> No. 98351
File 133506363410.jpg - (166.91KB , 1680x1050 , applejack___winona_by_mysticalpha-d4htl4l.jpg )
Well, the most that I can say of this fic (at the top of my head) is that it didn't require major revising! Congrats! There were, however, some things that you need to work on (line-by-line commentary is on the GDoc).


Characters: 5/5
This was well-done— excellently, even. I especially loved how you captured filly Applejack, and her developing relationship with Winona through subtle and fitting flashbacks. There's a time and place for those, and you found it. So, no complaints! Good job.

Plot: 3/5
This was very well done, insofar as all scenes were meaningful and had a smooth progression throughout. However, one objection that I did have was that I felt that there could be more of an introduction; I think I suggested having a scene where Applejack wakes Winona up before going to the PPP. This would serve as a better segue into the story, and let us see them in a "natural" state before throwing us into this new scene. After all, unless you introduce us (somewhat) to the ways that the characters have developed before throwing us into a full scene, we're officially treated to an AU without a warning. So be careful.

I also had a problem with the very end. It was poignant, yes— touching, even. But I didn't cry, not even a sniffle.

And I usually burst into tears at the first sign of sad!fic.

I think the problem was (as I noted in the GDoc) that you were trying too hard. You almost made it into a SDT moment in that it was dramatic, over the top, and borderline hammy. Keep it subdued and have the tragedy subtle. Having everyone burst into tears makes it just…not as impressive. What's sadder, Pinkie Pie bawling after saving Luna from NMM, or Twilight struggling to hold in her tears after being told off by her brother? So watch out for that too— I'd suggest a minor— very minor!— rewrite of this little section.

Setting: 3.5/5
You had a few issues with SDT throughout that I noted in the GDoc. What's more, there was a bit of timeline confusion that I had at one point that I also recorded. So take care of that.

Mechanics: 4/5
I don't think I noticed any real spelling/grammatical errors (except maybe once or twice), but there was definitely some awkward wording and some terminology/word choice that I would have questioned. So work on that.

Originality: 5/5
We've all seen fics where Celestia mopes over a mortal Twilight, or where the Mane Six are immortal, or where AJ pines over dead Granny Smith. But I don't think I've EVER seen something that shows the ponys' relationships with their pets.

(Now I'm imagining a crackfic about Pinkie and Gummys' interdimensional shenanigans. Great.)

Definitely an original idea, as far as I know, and one that you really did make quite touching!

Total: 20.5/25

Final Thoughts: I think your fic could very well have the potential to end up on EqD. The problem is that the emotional bit at the end— the most important part, even!— fell flat. So unless you fix that up, you're going to have a hard time convincing them to take you. So work on that, and feel free to show me at some odd time if you'd like a quick re-review!

Ready for EqD?: Close, but not quite yet.
Rewrite Suggested?: Very much no.

I wish you the best of luck editing, and may Celestia be with you if you decide to submit this to EqD! (post-edits)

Golden Vision
>> No. 98354
File 133506562700.jpg - (3.01KB , 64x64 , ___NightmareShyAvatar.jpg )

Thanks. I really hope to get this right. As you could tell from the end, this is nothing but a tribute to my Lhasas, whom I lost last year. A "waking up scene" definitely would work (and you can bet Winona's gonna be grumpy in it - my dogs loved to be so when they got old.)

I shall make the adjustments and come back!
>> No. 98355
Okay, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to do a full review for this.

(That's not a good thing, especially for a re-submission)

I would've just done a quick, cursory "review", but your fic still needs a LOT of polishing and reworking. Let's start at the beginning, shall we? I'm not going to do a full commentary, but I will give examples for every issue that I find, starting with what I saw of my previous issues that have NOT been fixed.

1.) The opening narration still confuses me, and I dislike it on principle. Kill it, please.

2.) The Celestia thing is okay, but now you've made it even more confusing with a "noodle incident." If you're going for Comedy/Random, then fine— but you're not. It's just weird, and I don't get it, and don't understand why they're with the Mane Six or in the treehouse at all.

3.) I STILL don't understand why Dinky doesn't like the Doctor. I asked you to put in a scene that addressed this, or at least to make it clearer, but it seems like all you did was give the dolls more dialogue. Please— please fix this. There's no reason for a reconciliation if there's no reason for a conflict.

4.) I complained last time, if you'll remember, that there was no "Doctor" present in this story. Well, it seems you tried, at least, to take this comment to heart. It didn't work out. Where you tried to give him a "voice", it felt out of place, was out of left field, and didn't really fit the situation at hand. In short, you were trying too heard. He was also far, FAR too casual. Now, I know this is the Doctor, but he does not talk in vernacular ("Sure", etc), and would not address Celestia as "Tia". Maybe this is just me, but it really bothered me. But there were far too many times where he didn't have that voice, like with Dinky or Derpy. And it's not just the voice— it's the actions, too. And while he joked around occasionally, I can count the number of Doctor-y things that he did on zero hands; that is to say, no hands at all.

5.) The photo album, if anything, made even less sense this time around. "Looking for oddities"? What?

6.) I still don't like the song. It's still the Doctor. He doesn't sing songs, no matter how thematically fitting.

6.) The Dinky change was still sudden, and like the issue with her hating him, had no buildup and no believable transition. I think you could actually dedicate a whole fic— honest to Celestia, a ten-fifteen chapter fic— just to address that problem with him being her new "Daddy" and her not liking that one bit. But you did it in about two hundred words and spent the whole rest of the time and irrelevant fluff.

7.) The Show, Don't Tell, is still there. It's still really bad. You may have rephrased some things, but it's still SDT. Don't tell us about their emotions, give us something that implies them, etc, etc. This also crossed into Purple Prose, especially where you started describing Derpy at the wedding. We don't need it. It's egregious narration (not even dialogue!). Cut it out with a spoon.

This actually isn't as in-depth as I would have liked to do, but the reason why is that most of the things that I wrote

I think I would have to give you the same ratings as I gave you last time, though I might bump up mechanics to a 4 and Setting to 2.5. Forgive me if this seemed like an overly-scathing review, but it's late, I'm tired, and it looks like you implemented nearly none of the edits that I suggested, even though it looks like you took a full week to go over it.

Give it some work— a LOT of work. I'm sorry, but I really won't look at this for at least another two weeks unless I'm honestly convinced that you put MAJOR effort into both rewriting and revising this story. If you don't like it, take it to another reviewer; I'm doing all that I can for you.

Why am I going so up in flames over this? It's because I myself write a Whooves Family fan fiction, and I absolutely adore them as a fanon family unit. But I see little to no effort on your part, and that really just breaks me as a reviewer. I spent about 45-60 minutes on your review the first time, and about 30 minutes on this tonight. That's not including reading it. It looks like you spent all of twenty minutes revising your first chapter before submitting it, and that really hurts.

So please please please put some effort into revising this (that's nearly a full rewrite!) before you put it up for review again. I really want to see this do well, and think it could be great. But for an idea to work out, its author needs to do his work as well.

Golden Vision
>> No. 98394
Title: Remembrance of a Dear Friend
Author Name: Deathscar
Tags: Slice-of-life, Sad, Tragedy
Characters: Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash
Synopsis: Fluttershy recounts the life she has lived so far and how one mare has helped her through it all
Length: 7,257 words
>> No. 98401
....alright, a complete re-edit of the story has begun. Don't expect to see this until I have completely rdone it to your EXACT specifications. And thanks again
>> No. 98445
File 133511862238.png - (40.57KB , 400x250 , HarmonyNight.png )
Title: Fate's Chosen
Author Name: Ridiculous Pony
Tags: [Adventure] (in later chapters, also [Romance][Tragedy])
Characters: [OC][Twilight Sparkle][Princess Celestia]
Synopsis: Fate won't let Harmony Fields die before accomplishing her destiny, but what could that destiny be?
Length: 3915 words, 1 (2-part) chapter so far

Note: It is largely about an OC, especially in this first chapter. I understand if you don't accept it as a result.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21040/Fate%27s-Chosen
Commentable doc: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W0SjmrbS5U5UxYZyMz2Q6FI6BKT87k-HJMdJGd7cTBI/edit
>> No. 98648
File 133520191100.jpg - (3.01KB , 64x64 , ___NightmareShyAvatar.jpg )

Alright, revision 01 of Family & Friends is finished:


Major additions:

-Introduction scene (which now helps make the wagon at the end far more significant)

-An additional flashback which ties into the 'The Moment'

-'The Moment' is more restrained now, and hopefully built up to a little better so as to not be so sudden.

And then there's the minor tweaks to wording, spelling, and so forth.
>> No. 98673
Title: Fallout Equestria: Cybernetics
Author Name: Pon13
Tags:[Dark-Comedy],[ Crossover], [Adventure]
Characters: OC's
Synopsis: A 200 year old android pony has awoken to the horror of the wastelands. Armed with his new friends - or Idiots, and his trusty Os called Cerb. 50u7 (soul) is going to have some tough questions he must ask himself when he discovers his message to be delivered is a little too late.
Length: 3 chapters


I know most FoE sidefics contain gore, but there is hardly any in my fic ^^
>> No. 98724
File 133523127556.png - (1.69MB , 1600x900 , 7.png )
NOW BEFORE YOU FLIP AT SHIPPING (that was a joke :P), I will say that it is only the first chapter of this story and only has obvious hints that Twilight likes Pinks. No really shippy things in here (yet, which is why I probably won't end up sending the rest of the story whenever I write it). Anywho:
Title: I still am having troubles thinking of one.
Author name: Static Avis & Anendlessepidemic (Yes, two authors).
Tags: Shipping, Comedy, Random
Characters: Twilight, Spike, Fluttershy, Applejack, Big Mac, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie
Synopsis: As Twilight is up late at night again trying to redeem herself from the Smartypants incident, Spike informs her that she'll need test subjects. When Spike is unable to help, Twilight goes to all of her friends to find that only Pinkie Pie can help. Twilight is hesitant but accepts.
Length: 5.8k words

Background information: I will say now, some parts of this story are NOT meant to make complete sense. It's not supposed to be a serious story (well.. not yet at least.) We want it to be professional, but random things happen specifically to make people laugh, and hopefully they will. So if something doesn't make complete sense with a character, point it out, and we'll see about changing it. I hope you enjoy! And thanks!
>> No. 98728
File 133523150354.png - (1.10MB , 1500x938 , 156653 - artist ioverd pinkie_pie surfing water.png )
Silly me, it seems I FORGOT THE LINK AGAIN. Sorry about that. :P


Adorable picture to make up for it?
>> No. 98757
File 133523597676.png - (141.69KB , 875x914 , derpy_is_sad_by_dantondamnark-d4dolzx.png )
Gosh, I feel like such a lazy ass. Well, have a (2-day late) review!



>To retrieve your missing Elements,
>Just make sense of this change of events.
>Twists and turns are my master plan,
>Then find the Elements back where you began.
I forget whether Discord actually said this (aside from the last bit). If he didn't, then I'd suggest taking it out, as I don't think that the meter and rhyme really work. If he did, then eh—keep it in, but I'd prefer you not.

>The first traces of annoyance crossed her visage
This is some nice body language SDT here. Annoyance is a feeling, an abstract emotion—not a descriptive word. Narrowing one's eyes gives a much different—and much more effective—idea than just saying that she was "annoyed".

>her soft voice carrying the hopelessness of already knowing the answer.
Ouch. Really bad SDT. Don't tell us the situation; let us figure it out for ourselves.

>"That's it!  I bet Discord hid the Elements in the palace labyrinth!"
I'm two pages in, and thus far everything I see is straight from S2E1. I myself am no stranger to this kind of setup; I'm writing a Time Loop fic, which necessitates this kind of thing at least occasionally. However, even though I realize that you do need some kind of setup to the next scene (Celestia confronting Discord), I still didn't like reading the screenplay for "Return of Harmony: Part 1." It's not entirely required, but I would definitely recommend finding some other way to introduce this.

>There once was pauper girl
It's a good poem. But there are no "girls" in MLP; only fillies and mares. You can't really have "girl" and "hooves" in the same work.

(Yes, I know Twilight says "girls." But I really don't like using such a human word in what's supposed to be a literary work of Equestria).

>Two Years Later
Whoa, whoa whoa. Hold on there partner. One moment we're at the precipice of a Discord/Celestia intrigue scheme, and suddenly…Derpy shenanigans?

Not only am I wondering whether the Discord issue proceeded the same as canon, but I'm also struggling to reconcile these two very different scenes in my head. That's a major problem.

>It used to bother her that she couldn't find a name for the feeling, but it smelled like a burnt muffin
I didn't like this bit in general, but this sentence in particular annoyed me. There's a distinct space between Wacky Derpy™ and Angsty Ditzy. Not only did I feel confused about what was going on in this scene (you spend a full paragraph describing her looking around and hitting a clock), but I also couldn't even hope to get a good idea of Derpy's characterization in this fic.

>She also decided that she should give her stiff wings a stretch
This isn't only a problem that I've found here. It's also in the Discord segment. Care to guess what it is?

It's telling us the characters thoughts about their actions, rather than just one or the other. This is off-putting and somewhat confusing, as it becomes difficult to sort out what's actually happening and what a character only thinks is there.

>"But I really don't appreciate having to come out here every day and double-check your deliveries.  
It's a funny, and somewhat sad plot to have Derpy bad at being a mail mare. But you have her making the mistake not only once, but twice—and in a row, after having it pointed out to her. Unless she's legitimately either unable to read or blind, I'm having quite the amount of difficulty pinpointing the reason as to why the heck this is happening. And it's just distracting, which detracts from the story as well.

PS: Still nothing that references Discord or Celestia. Clock is ticking.

>"If that's the case, then you'd best be going," the Postmaster replied while gesturing toward the door.  "Not much time to pack before the sun goes down."
I think you did the Postmaster's attitude very well here. I'd like to see more of a genuine concern, though. He seemed apologetic at the beginning, but then sorta just turned into an asshole. Assholes have their place in fiction, but in a Sad!Derpy fic, sympathetic but disappointed 'villains" are usually much more powerful.

>"Three Strike," the Earthpony answered
It's "earth pony." Not "Earthpony."

But nice transition into the next scene and character, so good job there.

>Derpy's throat clenched tightly as her father's words began to echo in her troubled mind
Huh? Who's her father? Why do I care about him? What's the relevance here? Why is Derpy suddenly being so deep?

I'm asking these questions for a reason. Deep, though-provoking ponderings have their place, but not as a semi-flashback, and not in an Idiot!Derpy fic (which, to my disappointment, seems to be all that you're going for).

>I went bad.
Okay, I have to admit that for an innocent Derpy such as this, this was a resounding allegory. However, I think you need to make it less awkward, especially by removing the entire "life teachings" segment beforehand, and by making the "nomming of the muffin" less awkward. Reading about "teeth meeting…the crisp outer crust…" and a "tongue touching the soft…interior" isn't quite what I would have in mind when writing Derpy's reflections.

>-their own things to take care of-
I think you've characterized Derpy as a more self-aware, somewhat intelligent, and just generally handicapped pony in this bit. Excellent! She's a lot more likable, relatable, and so on. But it doesn't fit with what you had earlier, where I really found myself questioning whether Derpy was fit to live by herself, let alone have a job.

>Whatever it is . . . I don't think I can do it on my own
Some ponies are easy to see holding it all in. Others, I can just imagine letting it all out in a single outburst of despair and tragedy.

Derpy is one of the latter.

And you pulled it off wonderfully.

This is more of that intelligent, but helpless Derpy! This is really well-done! I felt manly tears welling up while reading this, and I thought that the dialogue was spot-on. I even stopped questioning your use of the "dad" and his memory halfway through, which is no easy feat. (That doesn't mean you still get to use him with impunity and without introduction. though).

I would reword some descriptive bits, as well as a few awkward SDT parts that I think you can work out on your own. But bravo, my good sir.

>In situations that create an indefensible burden for the local community, the Bureau steps in to relocate the offender to a reeducation facility for the benefit of the hardworking citizens of Equestria
Oh god….


>.  I do, however, still carry the full power and authority of the Equestrian Diarchy to relocate the offender within your residence

>And what the hay is a 'reeducation facility'?  That sounds like code-speak for a prison

Seriously. I almost never use acronyms, and this one time, I believe I shall:


((Also, screw you. I wrote an entire four-paragraph rant on Twilight letting Derpy go, and then I went to the next page and had to delete it all. But the above point still stands.))

I would like to congratulate you, however, on having Twilight react exactly as I would have predicted her to. The "Ponyville friendship" angle, the "Personal connection to the Princess" bit, refusing to stand down—that's all Twilight, and I think that's the best characterization that I've seen yet.

(The Derpy breakdown would win that, but it had so little good lead-up that it'll have to get Honorary Mention. This is Twilight's establishing character moment, and damn did you capitalize on it.)

>I didn't have any pony friends when I came to this town
Slight objection. I think you should just say "friends" here, and get rid of "pony" as an adjective. What did she have instead—human friends?

>Twilight is best pony

You had me going, with a huge smile on my face (I was really enjoying the mood bump, courtesy of Spike), and then you stuck this in.

Even if it had been simplistic and cute (as I would have expected Derpy to be), I still would have been okay with the Friendship Report. But this is on the same level as putting 20% cooler in 10 seconds flat in something that isn't a crackfic. In other words, Take It Out Now.

Moving right along~

>"That the one who . . . is still out there?"

"Yep.  Get a message ready for the Sheriff's Department.  We finally have a suspect."
I have a feeling that there's some B-plot going on around corners that I don't really know about yet.

I'm also assuming that I'm correct about the above statement, because if I wasn't, then I would be pummeling you for Strange And Ambiguous, Not To Mention Random, Dialogue.

Instead, I'm going to wildly complain about you not giving us any indication whatsoever about this background conflict before these last two lines. A hint here, a sentence of dialogue there—anything would have helped make these lines worthwhile. But they're not; they're just confusing, and have nothing to back them up in the preceding chapter. That's not a good cliffhanger or hook. That's just bad writing.





Characters: 2.5
Okay, I'm divided here. I didn't like this in the beginning; not at all. I thought Derpy had no clear personality, that the other characters were unlikeable, and so on and so forth. I'd even forgotten that Twilight had appeared earlier by the time that I was praising her for standing up for Derpy!

What you did well, you did amazingly (which saved your grade from being, say…a 1.5 or a 2). Derpy's breakdown, her revelation, Spike's sense of humor, and Twilight's defense were all outstanding. But everything else was either lukewarm or annoying. Fix that. Please.

Plot: 2/5
…I really have to say that I have no idea what to do here.

That's not good. I counted about four—five!—separate plots going on here, none of which made much sense in relation to the others. We've got Derpy being sad (DAWW POOR DERPY), some weird Nazi concentration camp, some subplot with Derpy's past, a "suspect"/criminality plot going on in the background, and…


I disliked sticking all of these things together, if only because I found them poorly put together, but I seriously would like to slap you for that "prologue" scene.

It belongs as the Epilogue of a Discord origins fic. Not in here. Or at least not in this fic as it's written now.

I think each and every plot line that you have going on is genuinely interesting. But at some point, you have to sit down, take out a pencil and/or keyboard, and legitimately decide what in the hay you're going to be doing. You're spreading yourself too thin, and it's just making it harder on the reader.


(Or at least make it relevant…within the first chapter.)

Setting: 3/5
My first thoughts on this were, "It could have been worse."

Your dialogue was excellent. I even felt as though you transitioned each scene quite well, especially with Strike's introduction.

But there was some really bad SDT throughout (not all of which I pointed out), and the "thinking about what you're doing" parts didn't help at all. Work on that.

Mechanics: 4.5/5
I do believe I only caught a few instances of mistakes or awkward wiring throughout, so well done, my good sir! *claps* Just give it another proofread or something to be sure.

Originality: 2.5/5
Aye, yi yi yi yi.


This really overlaps with the Plot section something awful. You have so many ideas, but you refuse to stick to one. And as such, the entire narrative suffers. And I think that you could do this really well if you either just picked one plot to use, or else melded a few story lines together. But you haven't done that, and so this fic is more confusing than groundbreaking.

You're getting these points for coming up with the ideas—now make them go somewhere.

Total: 14.5/25

Final Thoughts:

I want this to be a good fic. I really do. I adore Derpy as a character, and every new take on her personality and history are like a breath of fresh air to me. Involving her in some kind of epic story of intrigue just adds icing to the cake.

But slow down—think about what you're doing. Make sure that you're telling us what we need to hear. Otherwise, it's just wasted breath, and nobody likes or needs that.

I'll take a second look at this, but I actually recommend that you come back once you have a second chapter, if only so I can review this in a more appropriate context. This chapter was too vague for me to get any real idea of where this story is going.

((PS: Might I also remind you that you only got to one-third of your synopsis? Usually, it's considered polite to wrap up all of it that happens to be relevant in the first chapter.))

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Recommended?: Partly.

I wish you the best of luck on your revisions, and will gladly take a look at any questions you may have!

Golden Vision


Reviewer's Note: I'll get to the other fics tomorrow, and will do my best to have my entire queue cleared by Thursday (including any others that may be submitted in the meantime).

Here's my queue, and the submission form. I'm getting somewhat tired of adding all the fics in myself, so please take responsibility and add your own fic onto the queue if it isn't already in there:
Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0
>> No. 98775
Aaaannnd....here's the link to the submission form. Herp.

>> No. 98799
This is in script form, but I'd still like some feed back. I'll copy from the thread on /chat/

Title: Canterlot Wedding Ending Rewrite/expansion

Author Name:Jon/jeff_bridges
Tags: Normal
Characters: Everyone from S2E26
Synopsis: An expansion of the original ending
Length:4300 words, 1 chapter

So don't get mad, this was just an idea that I had that I think turned out well. Here's my rewrite/expansion of the ending of Canterlot Wedding, with all respect and love to the crew.

I know it seems bad at the beginning, trust me it gets better. Comments are open, so feel free to be brutal.

>> No. 98819
I can think of no more suitable place to put this, so I'm putting it here. If you think this place isn't appropriate for this post, report this post and a mod should delete it. I think.

I don't know how your grading scheme goes, so my points might not scale well with yours. You can consider me the pretentious dickbag TA who never grades above a C.

Also, I'm probably biased because similarities. This review is based on your current version of the fic. Warning: This is all opinion.


Characters: 2/5
First thing's first: Twilight at the end. Her character takes a massive two-seventy degree turn for the insane from what is effectively more or less sanity. The rest of the mane six were

All the other characters were there, but that's all they seemed to be--there. Even in Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead which ties in lines directly from Hamlet, every character in R&G has a motive established. Polonius, as short-lived as his appearance (and character) was, felt like an actual character because he had a motive and he followed it. Your characters don't feel like actual characters; they feel like tape recordings duct taped to the back of cardboard cut-outs.

And Twilight feels like one, too, to some extent.

Exemplary excerpts:
>"Good morning, Ponyville!" Twilight said cheerily...

Plot: 1/5
The plot that you did give us that wasn't straight from the episode were Twilight's incredibly short scenes at the beginning where she wakes from her dream and at the end where she goes mad.

Your decision to have Twilight sit and do nothing at the end baffles me. Time loop or not, you play the consequenceless inaction card far too soon. Why wouldn't Twilight try to do anything?

And for the parts that you do take from the episodes, you rush through them exceedingly quickly--too quickly to give any sense of depth to the events more than "this happened." For example, take this into comparison: About 70,000 years ago, a supervolcano went off in Indonesia and reduced the human population to under 10,000 as well as leading to a millenium-long cooling episode. We call it the Toba supereruption.

That wasn't very interesting to you, was it? It probably wasn't, since I pretty much paraphrased Wikipedia. Now imagine being one of the ten thousand survivors. That would probably be a lot more interesting to you.

Where am I going with this? Well, you don't give your events enough weight or attention to give the reader any more feeling than "oh, that happened."

Setting: 1/5
Severe lack of description. It's like you were too excited to skip straight to the dialogue and forgot to set up the scene in which your actors interact.

Likewise, the events that take place seem to take a back seat to Twilight's internal monologing. The monologues are for presenting a compare/contrast between what happens at the moment and what happened the day before. When you don't have much to compare/contrast, the monologue, being built upon those events, comes off as weak.

Mechanics: --/5
You appear to have a style playbook that is different from mine, but you appear to use italics far more often than I would deem appropriate. This may be a direct result of you using more direct thoughts than I would deem appropriate. I'd give this a 3, but that number would be largely meaningless.

Originality: --/5
Due to my own fic and The Best Night Ever having similar premises, I can't say much on this, but it sounds fairly close enough to The Best Night Ever for readers to draw similarities on their own.

Total: 4/15

Final Thoughts: This feels like the few minutes of intro in an episode before the opening credits and cannot stand on its own. Twilight going mad at the end has a very strong Light Yagami feel to it, which may have been intentional, but it's creepy and disengaging--or so I think, at least.

Ready for EqD?: I don't think so, no.
Rewrite Suggested?: Kind of? You need more substance.

Best regards,
>> No. 98823
Well! I certainly have my work cut out for me. Who says reviewers can't improve their own writing? I really appreciate you taking a look at that for me (and I still wish you'd extend yours).

I'm unsure of how to clearly disengage it from The Best Night Ever, seeing as it'll be completely different by chapter 4-ish (not that it won't be the same; it'll just be absolutely unrecognizable as similar by then). The premise itself makes that difficult, but I'll have to do my best to go over it and fix it up. That's not even mentioning the problems with setting, which I myself am able to quickly take note of upon rereading.

Thanks again for taking a look at it! I really do appreciate it.
>> No. 99040
File 133537568821.png - (163.30KB , 500x354 , tumblr_li7ryoU6sh1qafrh6.png )
Have a late (and long!) review!



>>It looked almost like a musical note that decided halfway that it would rather be a spiral, thank-you-very-much.
Eh. I'm sure we've seen an abstract cutie make SOMEWHERE.

…Oh yeah. Twilight's sparkly thing, and RD's rainbow lightning cloud.

(And the "thank-you-very-much" is just awkward, and Should Not Be In A Third-Person Narrative)

>>Harmony Fields was her name, and she wasn’t headed anywhere in particular, just enjoying the nice afternoon and trying to wind down after an otherwise intense visit to the capitol.
Sentences like these make me go, "That's nice. Now get me something interesting." If you want to introduce your character, I suggest either naming her from the start, or having some other pony talk to or about her, thereby indirectly implying her name. And don't EVER tell us what she wants to be doing in any situation other than inner thought and dialogue (and often not even the first one).

>>She was used to trouble and drama following her, and it enhanced her appreciation of a genuinely nice afternoon like this.
This is like the "Weather Report" opening, except it's for a personality instead. This opening is far too passive, and I can't bring myself to care for your OC in any way, really. Make it start off more interesting, name her right away, and put her in a situation that establishes her as a character before introducing OC #2 (Dusty).

>>Harmony thought to herself.
Unecessary. One thinks; one does not think "to themselves." You can say something to yourself, but thinking's that way by default.

I would also like to take this opportunity to point out that I don't think "Harmony" is a very pony-ish name. Dusty Reeds? Sure. But Harmony Fields? Maybe Golden Fields or something instead. "Harmony" sounds too close to the human names "Hope" or "Faith" in terms of symbolism, and it seems too close to some parent naming their kid "Heaven" (if they're a believer of some kind).

>>Nothing interesting ever happened to her.
Okay, good. Then I'll go off and read some other fic.

…Okay, here's the problem with restating every other paragraph that your OC is Boring And Doesn't Want To Do Anything Interesting (Goodness, I'm abusing that Shift key). I, as a reader, am unable to find anything that I can identify with in her. She's like Harry Potter protesting that he isn't a wizard, but instead of that being the subject matter, he's saying that he's boring, and it's painfully obvious that not only is he right, but also that nobody's bothering to disagree with him.

>>Dusty resumed, unfazed. “You see, Harmony, I work for a division of the Royal Guard and I have a proposal to make on their behalf.
This is too outta nowhere. If you want Dusty to be a real character in this story, then give him some defining character trait that shows up in this scene. I'd also recommend that you draw this out, as it reads like: "Oh, hi there. I have a job for you; come check it out. It's wicked cool."

>>Being in the Guard would explain his broad shoulders, and he does look kind of official. I’ll listen to him until he gets weird, then I’m out of here, Harmony thought.
I'm really getting annoyed at this inner narration thing—

Wait. Best. Idea. Ever.

I don't know if you would be particularly interested in this, but given how you seem to enjoy showing us Harmony's inner thoughts, why not just make this fic First Person? You can narrate and moan all you want (so long as you stop saying "LOL I'm so boring" every other word), and that way we can discover your OC as a real character.

You know. Instead of the lame, non-speaking, thinky-think pony that she currently is.

…I just realized that thus far, Harmony's only said eight words, total. Thus far, it seems more like reading a fic involving a shy Fluttershy and nothing else.

"I have a job for you."


"You interested?"


"Awesome. Let's go get some java."


>>Dusty said, “Let’s sit a bit and have some coffee, shall we? It’ll be my treat.”
Make this the first scene with Dusty, and put the proposal till afterwards. If you want to make the implications of the proposal themselves secretive or confidential, then have her going to the coffee shop regularly and have Dusty be waiting for her by her normal table. Or something. As-is, the flow of scenes just seems weird and clunky.

>>and made eye contact with the pair of customers.
"…She smiled at them."

That's literally all you need to say. It's implied, yadda yadda, over-complicated, blah, blah, blah.

>>Having worked at a coffee shop for several years, she had had her fill of the potent drink and tended to avoid it if possible.
I'm REALLY starting to get annoyed by all this Mad Libs-style backstory. Not in terms of randomness, but due to the fact that it just seems crammed into the narrative with little to no purpose.

>>After the waitress left, Dusty turned to Harmony and spoke again.
You ever seen that scene in a movie? Where the bad guy confronts the Hero in a cafe, gives cordial greetings, orders the waitress to get something, shoos her away, and then makes his threat before leaving?

Yeah. It's somewhat of a cliché, but it would work better here than the meandering weirdness that you have going on here. (And I don't know if Dusty is Good or Bad, but it would work nonetheless).

>>“Is this about that protest at the festival grounds yesterday?

This is implying things that the readers don't already know. And what's more, it's clumsy. You're pretty much telling us, "If you don't already know what the protests are, then fuck off." (Excuse my French.) You're free to introduce them gradually, as a side note in a larger and more comprehensive conversation, but not as a random insertion out of nowhere.

>>Harmony trailed off once she realized that she was causing a scene
She's causing a scene? WHERE.

—>Insert random SDT Nicholas Cage face here.

>>We have reason to believe that you are special, regarding the ‘coincidences’ in your life.”

No, seriously. What coincidences.

>>“Have you ever noticed that while nothing of interest happens to you, many interesting things happen all around you?
I don't even—

>>You’ve never had more than the slightest injury, but can you even count the number of accidents you’ve witnessed first-hoof?”

> Nothing ever really happened to her, but so many bad things happened to those around her. Minor accidents, bad luck, illness, that protest disaster; the list went on an on.
…Huh? Bad things happen in general, regardless of this random pony. She just seems to be exempt.


>>We believe that all of those events were caused by Fate
>>When ponies around you are hurt, but you are not, it is because Fate has a different path decided for you, and Fate’s trying to steer you towards it.
>>The department I work for in the Royal Guard, the Fateguard, exists with the goal of first understanding the destiny that Fate has in store for ponies like you and then making use of it.”
…What the hay is this.

I'm actually severely annoyed, by this point, mostly because you're just slamming all these things on us with little to no justification as to how they work. What's more is that you seem to be casting "Fate" in an unfavorable light, regardless of how you planned to.

I reviewed a fic a few months ago about Cheerilee hiding her real special talent (gardening, hence the flower Cutie Mark), and instead lying to everyone and saying that it was teaching instead. The moral of the story was (or was going to be) that it doesn't matter what you're "supposed" to do; it only matters what you want to do.

The bottom line is: we live in an individualistic society. There's a reason why one of the top pages on TVTropes is Screw Destiny. And right now, this whole idea of Fate is coming off to me as some kind of Mary Sue plot device that can't be wrong because THAT'S WHAT'S MEANT TO BE.

(Why am I spending so much Rage on this? Because I have a feeling that this is going to be quite important in your fic, and so I feel the need to tear it into itty-bitty pieces).

>>“We would like you to join the Fateguard so that we can work with you to guide the events in your life to a positive outcome, rather than the chaos that follows you now
I thought that they didn't understand how it worked. So how could this possibly happen? And why does it matter, anyway? Unless the fate of Equestria hangs in the balance (see what I did there?), I can't bring myself to care about Harmony's aunt's stubbed toe (er, hoof).

>>Every glass is half-empty these days. Is this Fate thing the reason I can’t be truly happy?
She's just…accepting it? Completely?

Not only does this piss me off as a skeptically inclined person (both as a personality and as a writer), but it also irritates me because it further detracts from Harmony being any kind of real character. She just…accepts things as they are. She said she was boring? She's damn right.

>>I promise that once you’re on the right path, it feels as if everything in your life suddenly fits and all the bad luck fades away.”

At this point, I'm forced to admit that I really must insert these random humorous bits to prevent myself from smashing my computer. I'm really very annoyed, because at first glance, your fic looks like it could be a good story: well-done mechanics, an apparently interesting concept…

…But then I look at it and I just want it to away and leave me alone.

>>“I’ll start us off,” he chimed as they started to walk. “I bet you’re wondering why a Pegasus has a down-to-earth name like Dusty Reed.”
Nope. Not at all.

So bugger off.


Okay, I'm not going to do a full commentary of Chapter Two, because this was nearly painful for me to read, but I'll just put down some of my thoughts here:

>Why is he giving her his life story?
>How would you know someone is "cursed" if nothing happened to them? Is it that obvious that everyone else is being screwed over?
>Random Celestia!

(Wow. Those were short thoughts).


Characters: 1/5
I think I said this all above, but I'll say it again. I came out of this with no idea whatsoever of anyone's personality. I didn't care about them. It wouldn't have bothered me if you replaced Harmony with, say, Rarity, because it wouldn't have made any difference.

Put it in first person! Make Harmony more proactive! Give her more than twenty words through both chapters!

I don't really think I can put much else here. The bottom line is that your OCs don't do enough to establish them as real characters. And that's a shame. Something else that I think you could do is very simple, and I'm going to take an example from the second chapter to illustrate it:

>>Having grown up in urban Phillydelphia, Harmony had no exposure to rural living or the ways of a craftspony. Dusty’s small town upbringing and small family was much different than Harmony’s crowded home in the city.

Compare that (the original) to this:

"Oh, but I'd love to hear about your hometown!" Harmony said with a laugh. Dusty blushed a bit. "I grew up in Phillydelphia—there's got to be so many interesting things in small towns like yours that I never knew about!"

I'll keep it simple: Which one tells us more about the characters, and which one makes us feel as though we're reading a scene and not just muddled meanderings?

Plot: 2/5
The only reason you're not getting a one is because I found the "missions" idea interesting. But otherwise, I can count the number of things that I liked about this story's flow on one hoof (and yes, I mean exactly that).

From the start, you had absolutely nothing interesting going on. The character interactions felt awkward and clunky, and you forced far too much background information into what should have been simply a scene of dialogue. You put in too much extraneous background, period.

At no point did I feel like this story had a clear direction, either. I had no idea what was going on until the whole Fateweaver thing came up (which was out of nowhere, unanticipated, and just irritating as a concept). I wasn't curious about Fate. I wasn't curious about Dusty. And I was just annoyed when he started giving us his life story.

The story didn't go anywhere. You made it seem like it did, but in reality, it didn't. It was just a progression of, "And then X happens," over and over again.

You did a few things right here. You established the scenery of each segment, which was nice. You also had good body language and such, establishing the tone of the interactions (if there was one to be found). That was good. Some things that weren't good were:
>Throwing random plot-related events at out faces (the protest)
>Being unable to just use "said"

Seriously. I actually got quite annoyed the second time I saw you use the word "babbled." Not every piece of dialogue has to have some fancy verb attached to it.

Mechanics: 5/5
This is becoming my Madness Mantra:

"At least it was readable."

Except the other parts were so bad that it nearly wasn't. I will freely admit, however, that the fact that you clearly do have a grasp of the English language helps your position quit a bit.

Originality: 1.5/5
This is actually quite the original concept, and I would like it with any other characters, and any other purpose. I'm going to do something I almost never do and actually take a good look at the premise of the story itself. So, what do we know about your fic from the first two chapters?

>1.) There is a thing called Fate which forces ponies into their destinies.
Not only does this annoy me as a person who generally embraces independent decisions, but it also makes me wonder if you understand what "Fate" is. "Fate" is what will happen. No more, no less. There's no such thing as "getting on the track of Fate"; if you will, then it's already been planned for. If not, then you won't. Fate is less an intelligent mechanism (as far as I understand it in literature) than merely taking a look at what's scheduled to be on TV in half an hour. It's going to happen, and there' nothing you can do about it. Of course, if there's a difference, then make that clear AND JUSTIFY IT.

>2.) Certain Chosen have bad luck around them because they aren't following their Fates.
This irritates me. If Fate has an issue with a person, then just have the bad luck happen to said person. There's no reason for everyone else to be punished (unless Fate's just an asshole). It'd also make it clear that said Chosen was, y'know, actually doing something wrong. I do question Fate's methods, though—in what way are "not following your destiny" and "taking your own path" related to "LOL you get bad luck now"?

>3.) There exists an organization called the Fateguard that does something with destiny and Fate.
I still don't know what they do, or why. Further, I'd like to ask you this: before the Fateguard existed, seeing as they're apparently so important for "The Tapestry of Fate", how did Equestria survive? Or is there something I'm missing?

>4.) By abusing their "destiny" characteristic, the Fateguard is able to obtain temporary invincibility.
Yeah…no. Unless you've got some foolproof method of proving what that destiny is, then there's no way that you can prove that their fate is anything other than "thinking that their Fate is wrong and going off to fight dragons to stay invincible." Furthermore, all it takes is one suicidal Chosen to prove this wrong. This is why I dislike "Immutable History" time travel, because it sidesteps the issue:

"But you can't do that, because that would violate history/casuality/destiny."
"Okay, I didn't."
"Great! That means I was right!"
"…But I technically could have done it."
"Oh, shut up."

And so on.

>5.) The Fateguard apparently completes dangerous missions for the Princesses.
What missions? Why is this only being brought up now? Why is there no hint that this might be the reason—a celebrated Royal Guard member who's secretly a Fateguard, or something? It comes in too late, and isn't enough to set up a plot or conflict in the story.

Total: 12.5

Final Thoughts: Hot damn. This was a long review. I hope I haven't come across as too scathing in this; as I've heard another reviewer say, 'It's out of love." I really don't mean to denigrate or insult you in any way; I'm just trying to point out what is wrong with this story and (I hope) giving you tips on how to improve it. I try to do that latter because I think that just bitching about what you don't like is the worst thing a reviewer can do; only by giving constructive criticism can we really hope to do some good.

Again, I think this is an interesting concept. Don't let my remarks drive you away. Instead, take them to heart and spend a good two to four weeks revising this idea until you've got what you want (once you've made sure that it works). You've got words on a page, but so far, that's not enough.

Ready for EqD?: Very much no.
Rewrite Requested?: Yes, please.

I will gladly take a look at any new drafts or versions you may have for me, but please do take your time in going over it again.

-Golden Vision
>> No. 99042
File 133537578629.jpg - (81.30KB , 400x300 , normal_applejack_winona_shadow-dancer-666.jpg )
Let's just dive in, shall we?



>>All except for the old honorary pony, who was more asleep than a log.
Awkward sentence, as well as confusing

>>Applejack nuzzled Winona's head
Introduce AJ and Winona to us first before they do anything together.

>>the dog would be too wasted to do anything when they arrived at the park
I…don't believe "wasted" is the word to use here (or at least, I hope it isn't). Perhaps "fatigued"?

>>She gently kissed her on the forehead, eliciting a slow wag of the tail.
Awkward sentence. It's unclear "which" tail this is, and the overall meaning is just unclear. I would also split this paragraph up into two separate ones; it's just clunky with all that dialogue piled together.

>>Big Mac's eyes told her everything.
No, they probably didn't. For all AJ knew, her parents got divorced or something. Make it obvious to us (though keep it from being clunky) that her parents are D-E-D dead.

>>“Ya' both heard that, right, Pa?
Make this a new paragraph and insert some Applejack body language. Too much dialogue in one paragraph is just awkward.

>>But it was no use. The day had finally come.
You definitely improved this whole segment in terms of making it less dramatic and more touching. However, I still think that there are a few ways in which you could improve it (whether you do or not is your choice; these are just my opinions)

>Have AJ try to deny it at first, and then be forced accept Winona's death
>Put in more time between the "discovery" and the "burial". Let the scene and emotion unfold fully; don't just timeskip right away.

>“Goodbye....Big girl!”
Don't capitalize "big"; even though there's an ellipse there, I believe it's part of the same sentence. And you should get rid of the exclamation mark. Although it does serve to highlight the "raised volume" of the sentence, it's just weird seeing that kind of punctuation with such a sad scene.

>Later, Applejack stood outside, staring at the patch of grass that was still indented with Winona's shape.
What, is this her grave? Make it clear.

>She ran to the barn, dragging out the little wagon and some tarps.
I will admit this sentence made me choke up a bit. But the problem is, I have no idea why. I had no idea what either the wagon or the tarps were being used for, and I think it would be that much more powerful if you gave us a context for them or at least implied it a bit better.

>Angel's ears drooped. His lip trembled.
This would mean more to me if Angel hadn't been a bit of an ass to Winona at the earlier playdate. If you must, show us that he's a Jerk With a Heart of Gold; he might steal the stick and tease her, but he'll still help her walk back to Applejack. As-is, this is just retconning him into caring about her, when previously he was just apathetic.

>followed by Apple Bloom, Granny Smith and Big Mac, Applejack slowly walked up the
In some cases, passive voice is good. Not here. Say "Applejack…walked", and then in a separate sentence, say that X,Y, and Z followed her, "their faces unreadable." Or whatever the adjective of your choice is.

>“Go on, big girl. You go play with Ma and Pa now.”



I'm not going to do a full grade here; in fact, I'm wondering why I did the commentary above. But here's why:

Aside from the scene suggestions and mechanical issues above, I really had no problem at all with your story. It was very beautifully done, and I was really quite touched by your prose and dialogue. I was literally getting teary-eyed while sitting in the middle of a large group of people on public transportation; I have no doubts that if a.) Those weird spots that I pointed out hadn't been there, and b.) I had just been reading, not reviewing, then I would've been outright bawling.

I really have nothing else to say. This was a beautiful story, and one that I'd just love to see on the front page of any number of fan sites. You just need to polish it up a bit more.

Ready for EqD?: SO CLOSE (In fact: don't even bother resubmitting it after making these edits, unless you really want to be on the safe side).
Rewrite Recommended?: HELLS no.

*slow clap*
Bravo, sir. Well done.
-Golden Visio
>> No. 99045
Golden Vision, my friend! My new chapter two is complete. This is totally new materiel, so I hope you enjoy it!

Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria, a world that has not known violence like his in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this mad man no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

Chapter Synopsis: Barlow awakens in a strange forest, and encounters the local wildlife.
>> No. 99086
The first chapter is redone and ready for review, so you can take it off hold now.

Here's the link for it, because the doc changed:

>> No. 99098
File 133539524237.jpg - (3.01KB , 64x64 , ___NightmareShyAvatar.jpg )

Thanks again! Made changes, and now submitted to EqD for second time. Hopefully it won't get a strike two! Will let you know if it makes it!

(And you may or may not have earned your name cameoing somewhere in my big, long-chapter dark action fic... ;-D )
>> No. 99158
Hey, just wanted to drop by and thank you again for taking "Watching Paint Dry." As I revised, I found myself taking a lot more of your advice than I originally planned and thought you should know that you're better than I first said. Kudos.
>> No. 99197
Thank you so much, Golden Vision. While it was a bit hard to take in all that criticism and keep a positive attitude, I managed and this was exactly what I needed.

I knew my characters were lacking, but not how or where, and you gave me precision points to attack. I'll be working over the entire thing and especially focusing especially on Harmony's dialogue. I want her to feel real and deep, and Dusty to be a more minor character, and I obviously got sunk in his backstory (among other issues).

I had originally intended to stress the 'aura of bad luck' a lot more (as in, ponies actually died in the accidents around her. i.e. a building collapses and only she survives), but I wanted to avoid getting too grimdark. I may swing it back that way a bit just to get more oomph into the story and get the reader to care more about Fate and how it steers Chosen ponies.

I'll start working on this tomorrow and give it a solid 2 weeks of work at least before I resubmit. Thank you again for the appropriately scathing review, and for agreeing to read the rewrite. I hope it will be considerably more enjoyable for you next time :)
>> No. 99224
Title: The Return of Smarty Pants
Author: Geronimo
Tags: [Normal] [Comedy]
Characters: Big Macintosh, Applejack, Applebloom, Twilight Sparkle, Spike
Length: 4,872 words
Synopsis: After having his big secret published for everypony to read, Big Macintosh deals with the prospect of facing a humiliating fate. An alternate perspective to "Ponyville Confidential".
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ie6DhklhBSetm9rqBVGgvg0TVirFYaTWM0E8AV5_FQY/edit

I wasn't sure whether to post it here or use the Google.docs form, so I did both!
>> No. 99248
File 133546366705.png - (254.26KB , 766x427 , Rainbow_Dash_see_Rarity_fall_E16-W_4_3201.png )


>>The sky started turning light blue, signifying that in a few minutes, the sun would rise.
This is repetitious. You just said "started", so don't use it here.

>>“We were just fillies in flight school. I was being bullied when you…”
This is an awkward transition. Finish off the sentence before going to the flashback. Leave it hanging, if you want, but don't leave it like this.

>>The tall pony slammed his hooves against Fluttershy’s books, causing them to fly out of her hooves and slide across the hallway.
…Um, no. This is not school. This isn't bullying. This is barely Hollywood bullying. I highly doubt that the first day, these foals attack any new ponies who join school. I'd be surprised if they hadn't been kicked out by this point. It's also just so blatant and out of nowhere that my suspension of disbelief fades, and I'm kicked out of the story.

>>“I’m Rainbow Dash! Faster flier in all of Flight School!” The rainbow-colored Pegasus yelled back confidently.
First, you don't capitalize "the" after a bit of dialogue. Secondly, I'm noticing a lot of Telling associated with your dialogue—don't say "confidently", and don't say "nervously". Give us body language that SHOWS that they're nervous.

I'm really not liking this guy's name, even if it's just a description. It's the kind of thing that would go well with a snarky, first-person fic, but this isn't it. I'd suggest that you actually get his name out as soon as possible, so as to avoid LUS (as you do with Ms. Sky not four paragraphs later.)

>>She held a ruler in her front right hoof, beating it down on her front left hoof.
Reptitious (in terms of hooves)

>>“I sure hope so, if I catch you hurting any fellow schoolmates again. You will be in big trouble, do you understand Mr Bell?”
Body language, please.

And plus, hurting them "AGAIN" doesn't exist in any reasonable school system. You touch them ONCE, and you're suspended.

>>the butter-colored pony
More LUS (Lavender Unicorn Syndrome)

>>she spoke, “I’m Fluttershy…”
I don't think you can use "spoke" that way. Try "said" or "whispered".

>>drenching the forest in a cozy blanket
These words are dissonant. "Drench" is not a positive verb; make it better.

>> the thick smell of medicine filled her nostrils

>>“Those jerks beat you up again didn’t they!?”

>>“Those jerks beat you up again didn’t they!?”
You do realize that this would go for the "bullies" too, right? In fact, given Dash's apparent altruistic motives, I wouldn't be surprised if the bullies got into fights far more commonly than she. Authority figures should not be ignoring what basically amounts to a gang in their school—if you let this happen, then most readers will rage quit and go read something else.

>>Fluttershy’s bandaged hoof gripping tightly on Rainbow’s unkempt tail
You do this quite often, though it's mainly a stylistic issue. If you insist on describing nouns so often, you're going to end up with something like this:

>"Tall Harry put the red basket on the grey rock."

Too many adjectives make for a trite, yet cluttered sentence. Clear these out, please.

>>The hurt filly
*Injured filly

>>Rainbow stood up in reaction
Nupe. She "stood up quickly" or something—it's obvious that she's reacting to something anyway, so this is redundant clutter.

>>glanced over at Fluttershy’s light pink mane. Her mane was
You've already said "mane"; it can be assumed that you're still talking about the same object.

>>Rainbow never bothered to comb her mane or tail like many other fillies do, resulting in bed-mane whenever she walks out in public.
Not only is this sentence in the wrong tense, but it's also unneeded and awkward. Cut it.

>>Turning her attention back to Fluttershy, they started chuckling.
The subjects of this sentence don't match up. Either it's "her" (RD), or it's "they" (the two of them).

>>“Leave. Her. Alone!”

“Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it Rainbow Crash? Why do you care about Fluttercry?”
This flashback annoys me. It's right in the middle of things, disrupts the flow, and detracts from Fluttershy's scene in the "present."

>>“EXPELLED!” A large stallion stood over filly Rainbow Dash.
Okay, this annoys me for several reasons.

1.) The sentence after the dialogue doesn't connect with the preceding sentence.

2.) You don't say "filly Rainbow Dash". That's reserved for posts on EqD and Ponychan; it's the equivalent of saying, for example, "Twixie" or "Rainbow Pie." It's, in other words, a fan term.

3.) I still STRONGLY dislike this whole subplot with expelling and fights. I think I've made my position on the matter clear above; either justify it better, or get rid of it altogether.

>>I don’t want my reputation to be any worse then it already is,
…She's just been expelled. Who gives a buck about her reputation at this point?

Um, no. If you're doing a scene cut in this fashion, then go directly to what would have come next. You make it clear that she's not leaving "Ponyville"; she's going to it. So the transition doesn't work here.

>>My parents are pretty mad about what happened. So they’re sending me to Ponyville until they think I’m ‘mature’ enough to return to Cloudsdale.


Okay, so RD got her cutie mark while Fluttershy was still at Flight Camp, right? But Fluttershy got hers at the same time, and as far as we know, moved to Ponyville immediately afterwards to stay with her woodland friends. So this doesn't really work.

…And that's ignoring the fact that I am TREMENDOUSLY angry at her parents for being so IRRESPONSIBLE as to send their daughter off to a random town, all on her own, just after her spirit's been crushed and her future darkened. Way to go, guys.

>>A long pause ensured, Fluttershy blinked at Rainbow’s imploring eyes.
Either insert an "and" (or some other transition) or make this two separate sentences.

>>Gazing at the bare, grey walls of a room once lined with colorful Wonderbolt posters and 6 colored striped, Fluttershy couldn’t help but feel a sense of dread as she closed the door behind her.
I think that this is a problem that you have throughout your story: you skip straight from one mood to another. If you added in more sentences to pace yourself, then it'd work out better. (I'm bad at verbalizing this, so have an example)

>She gave Fluttershy a hug before walking out of her former door, refusing to look back.
>Fluttershy stood there for a moment, not daring to move a muscle.
>The room felt so empty, with all the color drained away.
>As she gazed at the bare, grey walls, old Wonderbolt posters stripped away, Fluttershy felt a cold sense of dread dripping down the back of her neck.

And so on. That way, we get a better feel for the scene, and it doesn't seem so abrupt.

>>“I-I don’t have parents…” Fluttershy admitted. “I’ve lived on my own for as long as I could remember, working to earn enough money to feed myself…”
…Um, no. Do you expect to see Pumpkin Cake and/or Pound Cake working to feed themselves? Plus, wouldn't Dash already know this, considering that they've apparently been friends for quite a while? And do we really nned ANOTHER fic wherein one or more of the Mane 6 are orphans?

Seriously. I think we've successfully orphaned at least half of them, if not more by this point.

>> “Hey! You’re Fluttershy right? I’m Pinkie Pie! I host parties for everyone new in Ponyville! You’ll love it here I promise you!”
This is a bit of a cliché. Pinkie only met Twilight in E1 by coincidence, not by design. Her throwing parties for EVERYONE is certainly a trope that you don't need—or at least, not one that should be applied in this context. Perhaps she does it when Fluttershy treats Gummy for some injury? (Just throwing ideas out there).

>>“How Rarity made my very own dress…”
You're throwing in these flashbacks too suddenly and abruptly. I thought this was about RD and Fluttershy anyway, not the Mane Six pre-Twilight. Focus on them, and don't be so choppy with your flashbacks. Go more in-depth with fewer ones; let us see each point in their "relationship" wherein their lives changed greatly, or where they grow closer together. This should read more like a series of consecutive dribbles using one unified theme than just a bunch of scenes in flashback form.

>>“I spent the whole day trying to buck apples. I finally had my first taste of cider when the day had almost ended…”
This is another stylistic problem. Put your flashbacks together where they are associated; the apple bucking and cider, for example, should be one long, uninterrupted flashback. You should also put into the scenes of Present!Fluttershy so that we get a feel for both sides of this obviously nostalgia-centered fic. As it is, you could get rid of Fluttershy's reflections and just keep the flashbacks—it wouldn't make much different.

(Also, I just typed all of that with a cat on my keyboard. That takes skill, I tell you)

>>“Why!? Did you think we didn’t care for you anymore!?”

No, please.

Tell me you're not doing this.

You did it.

I'm sorry, but I'm refusing to read any further. I really feel bad about it, especially after putting this off for a whole three days, but I can't do it. I hate suicide fics with a burning passion, and I've only ever met one that pulled it off (and that happened to be a Pokémon grim dark fic; don't ask).

I was under the impression the entire time that this was heartwarming, sad, and nostalgic—perhaps an old Flutteshy standing over her friend's grave and thinking about their lives, together or otherwise. Perhaps she'd be thinking about joining her soon, or that she had a good life while she could. Maybe she'd even have some discussions with the others.

But she didn't. Instead, you took the suicide route, which is not only shocking for a character such as RD, but also infuriating for me, as a reader and brony, to see at all.

I'm sure I've read some other reviewer's rant about suicide and ponies, which I can't seem to find, so I'm just going to post my own thoughts here:

1.) The suicide was too hard, too fast, and ultimately devoid of any meaning. Even after I heard that her parents had died, I couldn't bring myself to care. It was just, "Oh, that's nice."

2.) RD doesn't give up. Period. She's come to at least ONE of her friends first; if you want to make that friend Fluttershy, then all the better.

3.) A hint of suicide is okay; perhaps, somewhere in the past, Fluttershy convinced RD NOT to do it. But there's no foreshadowing, no point, and ultimately no meaning (that I can) other than, "lulz, Tragedy."

Here's an actual quote from a friend of mine on the topic:
>See, that shit is bad enough when it's Homestuck.
>But the Homestuck characters recognize and accept the fact that they're fucked up.
>MLP is only vaguely a psych drama.
>And definitely not that much so.
>RD is not suicidal, and would almost certainly never become so.


I'm going to sum up my other thoughts here. I'm not going to give you a full rating, if only because I feel it wouldn't mean much considering I didn't read your full story. I apologize again for that, but there are certain plot concepts that every reader can't take. For you it might be clop or random crack; for me, one of them is suicide. And I'm very much a subjective person; I just won't read it.

So how was your writing itself, when removed from the plot?

>Lavender Unicorn Syndrome
Ye gods, there was SO MUCH OF THIS. Just use the names. It's not hard; you know them, after all.

>Work on your pacing.
It's hard to feel anything for the characters when you're constantly switching from one idea to the next; smooth out the transitions and make us move with the characters.

>Show, don't tell.
Both with body language and scene atmosphere, this was one of your worst problems. Here's an example of something you wrote:

>Rarity comforted the panicking pony.

Here's how I would rewrite it:

>Rarity put a hoof around Fluttershy's neck, gently smoothing down her mane. "Ssh. It's alright."

Give us an idea of what's going on by implication; don't just Tell us what they're doing and why. Readers are smarter than you might think.


Finally, you see all those comments I made above in the line-by-line? Those aren't single application issues; they're all throughout. So if you choose to redo this story, then I suggest you go through the entire thing and work on every single problem that I pointed out.

I don't know if you're going to keep this concept or not. I like the [sad] idea of one of the Mane Six saying goodbye to a friend's grave, especially if memories and nostalgia are involved. But I can't take the suicide angle; I just can't. If you feel you must keep it, and that I'm being unfair, then take it to another reviewer. I can't do any more for this with its premise as-is.

My apologies if this came off from being unfair; I just want your story to do well. And suicide strikes a very unhappy chord with me as a reader if I see it; all the more so if it's not pulled off (which it isn't 99.5% of the time).

I wish you luck in your future writing endeavors, though, and will gladly take another look if you get rid of the suicide angle (and work on the bullying bit, which also greatly irritated me).

Fare thee well,
-Golden Vision
>> No. 99350
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Just got word the revised Family & Friends made it and is in the EqD queue. Thanks a bunch for your help!
>> No. 99469
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Hi guys! Just wanted to let you know that I'm currently transferring my /fic/ stuff over to a new email account, [email protected] Feel free to use it if you need to contact me; I'll do my best to get to at least two reviews by tonight, if not more.
>> No. 99635
Title: "Dear Princess Celestia," (dangling comma is on purpose)

Author Name: brokenimage321

Tags: [bittersweet]

Characters: Fluttershy, OCs

Synopsis: What would you do if you lost everything you'd ever loved?
April Showers tells us of her younger sister Fluttershy--her birth, her growing up...
and her fall from Flight Camp...
(Synopsis needs some work, sorry :] )

Length: ~20k words

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Pv2h70mmevwGyqsz7jzMZQJ-P4qKpOnUWhAbf-0Yz40/edit

I'm mostly just looking for a pre-reader--someone to tell me if the story "works." I believe I have most of the grammar, etc. issues already worked out.

There's one scene I'm especially concerned about: the funeral scene. I rewrote it for this draft, and I'm not sure if it "works." I would appreciate your thoughts on that scene especially.
>> No. 99746
Yo, G-Vizzle!

Based on recommendations by I Post Ponies, I'm adding another section to my story. I should be done by tomorrow. If you open my story to review it and you see "Work In Progress" at the bottom, feel free to bump me down a slot in the queue.
>> No. 99775
The following is shamelessly copy/pasted. Hoorah for laziness!

So, I've gained a bit of notoriety in the fandom as a sadfic/tragedy author. As much as I appreciate the responses those stories have gotten, and as much as I loved writing them, I decided the time is ripe for me to give comedy a shot.

This story's purpose is twofold: first and foremost, it's a satire. Basically, Twilight becomes obsessed with spiders the same way that many bronies have become obsessed with MLP. After a brief period of being a closet spony (yes, spony), she "comes out" and attempts to get everypony in Ponyville to join what she calls "The Spider Squad."

What I mainly trying to do is get bronies to look at themselves and realize that, while My Little Pony is an excellent show, we need to understand why people think it's a little silly, just like Twilight needs to do in this story. So, could you tell me if the parallel between Twilight's obsession and brony community is believable?

Second, it's supposed to be a comedy. I've gotten good responses from the people who had read it so far, but I really need to know if you find it humorous. If you don't, major rewrites are in order. As an aside to that, if some of the dialogue seems strange or unrealistic, that's probably intentional; there's some surrealistic humor in this piece.

Last but not least, this fic is not completed yet. I'm posting it before completion because...well, what can I say? I'm paranoid; I never know if what I'm writing is funny. Basically, I need to know whether the story is funny before I continue. If it is, I can just continue writing with the same sense of humor, and everything is water under the bridge. If not, I'll need some serious rewrites and changes of mindset. Projected word-count is somewhere in the neighborhood of 10,000 words.

Info below:

1) Title: Eight Legged Friends

2) Tags: Satire, Comedy, Slice of Life

3) Synopsis: When Spike grows suspicious of Twilight's new secretive attitude, he goes on the hunt and ultimately discovers Twilight's new pet: a massive Daddy Long Legs, the product of a Growth Spell gone awry. He attempts to contain the problem as Twilight's obsession deepens, spreading not just to the rest of the Mane 6, but Ponyville as a whole.

4) Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xlfQtn35hKKlc9POc4UVHVnnPEFURXRY4mTUWSgZSTQ/edit

Thanks so much for your help!
>> No. 99807
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Gah. I'm really sorry that I've taken so long with this. Ponychan hasn't let me post anything in days, so hopefully this review will finally go through.

(I'm not getting my hopes up)

Without further ado, on with the review!



>>like Luna says 'the fun has been doubled'"
This felt weird. Isn't this a computer booting up? Plus, a reference to a meme is NOT a good thing for a fic to make. It throws the reader out of the story "in ten seconds flat."

>>"What the hay did I fucking tell you."  A voice bellowed out. "Don't. Touch. Anything. - It could be dangerous"
Whu-? This is weird, outta nowhere, and confuses me. Is this going on in the boot up thingamajig, or what?

(Also, I am infinitely amused that my computer's spellcheck apparently counts "thingamajig" as a real word. Awesome.)

>>Why are my Memory banks not loading? This is bad, I got a message to deliver and I'm stuck here.
Is this a thought? Then italicize it.

>>I opened my visionary sensors, or eyes to flesh and bone kind: to reveal carnage of destruction; surrounded by broken metal and stone both looked like they have been heavily weathered.
Is this where the story starts proper? Fine, fine—but here's my advice.

If you want to start with the boot up sequence, then that's perfectly acceptable. Just cut it down to a shorter length, no more than 2/3 of a page, and insert the occasional relevant "dialogue" here and there—but make sure it's italicized! That way, we get an idea of what you're getting at while still being able to keep it separate from the programming bits.

Oh, and make the "real story" (first person) a new scene. Please.

(And end the boot up sequence right before that, preferably with something interesting.)

>>I heard the same voice from earlier.
>>Another voice shouted back.
We don't need these, especially because we don't know who's "speaking." Just put in the dialogue and leave it.

>>Cerb...fuck you.
Whu—? Who is saying this? Why is it relevant? Why does it have no appropriate grammatical modifiers?

>>I continued to listen to the two voices to make sense on what is going on. I could hear hooves clop on the stone surfaces as they seem to pace around.
This is exceedingly bland commentary for a first-person fic. Read "Heroes of Olympus" or "The Dresden Files" for examples of a snarky narrator. It's also possible to make a sour or bitter narrator, which may be what you want (I don't know). Make your OC interesting; make us want to hear his thoughts (and putting in some actual thoughts would help). Otherwise, you might as well just make it third person limited/omniscient.

>>I’m not some salvageable metal you bitch!
This is a huge tone change. First he's thoughtful and bland, and now suddenly he's responding angrily? Nope.

>>“Come here, I’ll end you!” I yelled out at them “and I’ll end you and Cerb you piece of shit of an OS and yes I can still remember why. I’ve stored it in memory bank A03!” I flailed around punching the air.
This…does not make any sense. If it's supposed to be illegible gibberish, then fine; make it clear through thought and reaction—and make sure to clean it up besides. The reader should still be able to understand what a character is saying.

>>I snapped out of my illogical trance.
Good for him. Unfortunately, I don't care, because you still haven't endeared your OC to me. First person usually works wonders with this, but you haven't taken advantage of it yet. For example, you can make:

>I continued to listen to the two voices to make sense on what is going on. I could hear hooves clop on the stone surfaces as they seem to pace around.


>The voices echoed in my head, bouncing around inside of my skull. I struggled to think, my thoughts slow like old oil. What…who is this? What do those bastards want? I let my body relax; better to seem dead than to give these creepers something to seize on. The hooves clopped loudly on the stone surface by my head and I nearly flinched, catching my audio and tactile sensors just in time.

We've just turned a simple descriptive bit of text into something that gives the exact same information, but that also lets us see into the psyche of your OC. First person is BUILT for introspection and hidden thoughts; without them, it would have no point. By adding these thoughts and such into your prose, I've established that your character:
>Is in some way incapacitated
>Is possibly weakened and vulnerable
>Can be foul-mouthed, and may be irritated
>Seems to prefer caution at the moment
>Distrusts whoever the voices are.

Also note that I've Showed the character of your OC without Telling exactly what he thinks. You avoided Telling if only for the fact that you didn't write any; it's almost all dialogue and prose.

>>Override Command with Administrator A equals A and password B equals B
Okay, what the heck is up with this command? This is THE biggest flaw in programing ever, unless there was some huge distrust of AIs like GLaDOS or HAL that makes me question why they would even bother making cyborgs or whatever your OC is. This is such a huge loophole that I'm suddenly questioning my suspension of disbelief, which is weird because it should be a fairly innocuous issue. But it isn't, because it's building your setting and if it comes off wrong, then so does your overall story.

>>I crashed, the fan started to spin faster and faster and whir louder and louder as I could feel my processor’s buzzing furiously.
I'm not going to even get into the incorrect possessive apostrophe here. I am going to get into, however, the problem you have here with robots crashing on-demand. Does he really have no control over his internal functions? I mean, even with the fan! Seems like being a cyborg'd be useless if you can't even manually override certain programs.

>>And like that my mission was over; I was too late. Two hundred years too late.
What mission? Put more foreshadowing into this; it just comes off too suddenly, too "meh."

>>I said in an apologetic tone.
Okay, here's some Telling. Body language, not "tone."

>>She had a point there. I wasn’t sure myself. I glanced over the wastelands once more, nothing seems familiar anymore.
Oh look: an incorrect tense! Fun. And you're giving us a huge, abrupt change in your OC again. From rude and foul-mouthed to thoughtful and compliant. Where did this come from? If you want to be able to do this, then you'd better spend more time on the "revelation" that changes him.

>>“Impossible. Robots don’t have free will like you got. Who’s controlling you?”
I believe Teal's response of "Bullshit" is appropriate here. I really don't know if this guy's a robot or cyborg or whatever; what's more, his attitudes really do seem to portray him as having lived for a while as an individual, and not just some empty robot.

>>“Not really as Tech is my specialty.”
This sentence is a non-sequitur; a non-reply to the last sentence. In short, it doesn't connect and leaves the reader confused. It's not the only example, either.

>>5. 0 . u . 7” Pointing at the digits on my flank.
I don't think that "pointing" is a speaking verb. Furthermore, if you're going to give us numbers and letters for a name, then at the very least put them together.

Actually, scratch that. Just have him point at the digits without saying anything. Pronouncing names that are mostly digits and letters is messy anyway.

>> I only followed her just because...I don’t know, something to do I guess.
And there's your problem. I detect no reason for interest in your story, mainly because your protagonist doesn't either. Make us interested, draw us in. I'm sure there are five hundred other FO:E fics that have a similar setting that nevertheless draw in the reader instantly. Make yours something special, something fascinating.

>>More caps were traded.
More caps? I don't recall you mentioning them before. Where did these come from?

>>Teal approached me with a black fedora in her mouth and planted it on my head “There, you don’t look so weird, and also put these on”
If he looked weird before, then make it clear. Have the trader react negatively to Soul's appearance or something; don't just assume in retrospect that he should disguise himself.

>>“Come on we better find somewhere safe, you don’t want to be out here after dark.”
Why not? The "eerie howl in the distance" is a trope for a reason, and not necessarily a bad one. I can't for the life of me see why there'd be anything wrong with being out in the dark, especially for a robot that presumably has some kind of infrared vision.


There are enough issues with your first chapter that I'm just going to end the commentary here. I would also like to note that your second chapter is over 5k words long; I asked specifically that submissions be under 7k, preferably fewer, and your first chapter alone was at least 3k .

So, here's an overall review:

Characters: 2/5
I happen to be a fan of first-person novels, and as such I view myself as a sort of connoisseur of such styles. Yours, however, as I noted above, was sorry lacking. A narrator needs a personal touch, some way to connect with the audience and make the story theirs, and that simply was not present in your writing. You could have literally switched Soul and Teal's names, and I wouldn't have noticed any different. There wasn't much to identify the two as separate, especially considering that the main identifying feature of both was, "rude, foul-mouthed," and "something angsty."

Plot: 2/5
I'm only not giving this a one because I was intrigued by the "failed" mission, as well as by the setting in general. (Please note that this is the first FO:E fic I've actually ever read, and so I'm quite easy to impress in that regard—and in some cases, quite easy to disappoint). Otherwise, this was a failed attempt. I couldn't really see much focus on a specific plot point, or on any overarching theme. Things just kinda…happened. A confrontation with the "raiders" would have been nice, or perhaps an aggressive meeting with some locals over Soul's appearance. But the chapter as a whole felt pretty much just like introductory padding.

I also felt that Teal's sister's death (whatever her name was; that I've forgotten isn't a good sign) was too abrupt, and steamrolled over far too quickly. That's a fairly large event, and a great opportunity for a con flit. Yet as far as I can tell, it just happened and then you moved on.

Setting: 1.5/5
Like the plot, I think there was a lot more that you could have done with this. Putting in a throwaway line about old ruins or Soul being an old model of robot for some particular corporation would have helped; everything just felt underdeveloped. The trading scene itself, for example, could have been far more significant—aside from Teal, this is our first meeting with the world your story takes place in! Make it worth our time, and not just a shopping trip. This goes for their trip in the desert, as well as Teal's opening conversation with her sister. Putting a few relevant thoughts into Soul's narration couldn't hurt either.

Also, Show Don't Tell. I believe I illustrated this earlier, so yeah. And I don't know where else to say this, so I'll put it here: never use memes outside of Crackfic. Ever. Period.

Mechanics: 2/5
Yeurgh. I'm really sorry, but most of the time if I don't like a fic, I can just say that it was readable. Yours was for the most part, but there far too many points where I was jarred and confused by grammatical issues, awkward wording, tense problems, and so on. I would have given it a 3 or 4 if it were just a few consistent problems, but this was just all over the map. Either get an editor, or learn to proofread your own work. I would suggest the latter; bothering a person just to correct your own (obvious) mistakes is much less desirable than asking someone to go over other issues like characters or plot.

Originality: 2/5
I said this before, and I will say it again: I have never read a FO:E fic before this one. Maybe that means that I'm not qualified to talk about this; I don't know. But what I do know is that you could do a lot with this—exploring Soul's "free will" as a robot, and what it means to be a construct devoid of purpose in a wasteland empty of life. Developing the idea of creation, of freedom, and of life—that's one way to go. But this chapter was pretty much an insult-fest between your two characters and skimpy on thoughts and setting besides. Come back again when you've improved that and we'll talk.

Total: 9.5/25

Final Thoughts:
For all I know, this was your first story (which it appears to be). In which case, good job! I've read some first-time fics (my brother's, for example) which were much worse. That doesn't mean you don't have room to grow. As I've pointed out above, there's a lot more that you can and should do with this.

)I'd also like to quickly point out that I didn't like the digit letters in your chapter titles, but that's a personal nitpick, albeit one that might turn some other people off.)

So, where does that leave us? Better off than some, yet still with problems. You're lucky that you seem to have something that works. A rewrite for you would be The Worst Possible Thing. But what you really need to do is flesh out your story into something grand and interesting, not to mention engaging. Expand into this setting; I could easily picture the first meeting between Teal and Soul taking a full chapter full of snark and distrust, finishing off with an encounter with some raiders that the two are able to drive off with their combined skill. The "trader" scene, as I mentioned above, should be a full chapter on its own.

Ready for EqD?: Nope.
Rewrite Recommended?: Happily, no.

I will gladly look at a resubmission of this at some point, but I caution you to take your time in revising, rather than rushing through it all at once.

The best of luck to you!
-Golden Vision


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 99808
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Hooray! Ponychan appears to finally be working again, so have a review!


>>This wasn’t the first time Spike found himself awake at three in the morning, nor was it the first time this week he had found himself at the top of the staircase attempting to convince Twilight to go to bed.
At first I couldn't put my finger on why I didn't like this but then I realized: it's repetitious and unneeded. We already know what "position" he's in, so why are you telling us this?

>>“Spike... please? This is important!”
Body language, please. Speaking verbs and dialogue do not a conversation make. You need to make us see the interactions of the participants, and not just what they're saying.

>>“Please don’t rub it in. Anyway, I’ve altered the spell so that it only targets the first pony who sees the object the spell has been casted on. The pony will then fall in love with that object, so to speak, for an indefinite amount of time. I was trying to work on setting a timer for the spell, but then you interrupted me.”
This just SCREAMS Plot Device to me. I can't even think of a good reason for Twilight to want to do this, and it's clear that you couldn't really either. I don't even understand what its purpose is—wasn't this a Shipping story? Do we really need more fics wherein Twilight messes up a spell? And why would you have this in here if she doesn't even use it by the end of the chapter?

>>Ever since the mishap with Smartypants, she was determined to redeem herself.
Why? This doesn't connect with "fixing the spell" at all, especially because she's only making it more focused and specific anyway. I'm just going to say this here and cease commenting on it: get rid of the Want-It-Need-It Spell. It's a horrible tumor on your story, makes no sense, is making Twilight go OOC over her seeming obsession with it, and shouldn't have any place in this particular shipping.

>>She asked, a skosh of suspicion
First off, don't capitalize words after dialogue, unless they're not connected to a speaking verb. Secondly, what kind of word is "skosh"? Is it some kind of Russian delicacy? An Israeli pastry?

>>“Oh, right.” Maybe the sleep deprivation is really getting to me.
It's getting to me, too. I'd forgotten why the heck he was there as well. You seem to have little to no focus in your dialogue, just drifting from one thing to another without maintaining a constant idea. That confuses the readers and lessens the impact of the characters' interactions.

>>The door flung open, revealing light and the young dragon.
Awkward wording, not to mention choppy. Try "The door flung open, light spilling through and into the basement. Spike flung out his arms and happily leapt onto the banister, sliding down to Twilight." Or something.

>>She was hunched over, making her look years beyond her age. Her mane was unkempt and dirty, sticking out at odd angles. Tangles were very apparent and the grease dulled the color in her hair. Her eyes were bloodshot to the point that the whites of her eyes were blotched out. Her eyes were also half open and watery; she rubbed them every now and then with a grimy hoof.
This is the kind of description that belongs in [Dark] fics, not a [Comedy]. What's more is that you haven't foreshadowed this at all; one moment we're (supposed to be) chuckling at Spike, and the next we're reading Squick. Not pleasant.

>>“Yes ma’am!,” Spike was almost ready when a realisation dawned on him.
Show, don't tell. "His eyes widened," or "He froze, blinking." Don't Tell us what happens; Show it to us using body language and situational reactions.

>> “Oh thank Celestia!
I realize that this is a popular exclamation in the fandom; I myself enjoy using it. But having Twilight say it doesn't work. She has Celestia has her mentor, first off, and as far as I know has only ever said "Thank goodness" in canon. Keep your characters' dialogue consistent with canon.

>>“Then where did you go after I casted the spell? I didn’t see you leave, and you obviously didn’t tell me.”
First off, it's "cast", not "casted." Secondly, this is far too vague a segment to make any sense. Did she black out? Did he teleport? I found myself wondering if this was going to turn out to be some kind of accidental time travel story before you made it clear that she apparently just knocked herself out and Spike went to his room afterwards.

>>“AHH! SPIKE! I’M BLIND!” Twilight screamed as she fell off the bed.
You're being way too dramatic here. I guess it's supposed to be comedy, but you're trying too hard. I've heard far too many hangover jokes to even chuckle when I hear a "Close the blinds!" punchline, even if it is in all caps.

(Which are apparently cruise control for cool. Who knew?)

>>Noon?” Spike’s eyes grew in horror as Twilight began swelling uncontrollably. Her eyes bulged, making them seem like dinner plates. Her body inflated like a helium balloon, her skin expanding rapidly. Her horn grew fat like a tree branch and her mouth puckered. She hit the tipping point and exploded in a magical aura Spike had only seen once before.
This is the kind of visual effect that can only happen in animation, and to Pinkie besides. It's for comedic and dramatic effect, and certainly does not belong in writing. I actually thought that this was supposed to happen as a result of the spell before I realized that you were just trying to use it as some sort of gag.

>>“I seem to recall that I had an entire day to get that letter to Celestia and still failed Spike!”

(Seriously. How does this make sense at all?)

>> “I need to listen to you more, I think. I tend to get pretty...well, you know...inflated....over these kinds of things.”
That's a horrible pun, and you should feel horrible for setting it up. *slaps*

>> The sun made a quick jump through the sky, and a ticking noise could be heard that seemed to come from nowhere. This again? Twilight sighed. Her teacher seemed to find ways to mess with the sun and confuse Equestria every single day.
Okay, I'm just going to use this bit to address the Rainbow Dash section, the Applejack "incest" scene, and any other relevant bits at once. I thought this was going to be a romantic comedy when I came in. Instead, I got some weird crackfic which has next to nothing similar to canon, and which is trying too hard for references and humor. The Dashfire "shipping" and the reference to Trollestia are themselves awkward and random. The "Oh, listen, they're obviously doing something dirty in there except not" bit with the Apples is both overdone and no longer funny.

>>She would’ve felt slightly intimidated if it hadn’t been cut into triangles.

>>You were!! Oh no, this is just AWFUL! Who was it? Ninja ponies? Zombie ponies? Or,” she gasped, “zombie ninja ponies....with sombreros?”
What. What is this. Why is Fluttershy saying it. Why do I want to punch my screen in anger.

Why have I been deprived of the ability to use question marks.

>>“Cut into triangles?” Twilight asked, not completely aware she was still making coherent sentences.
Heh. Your story isn't making coherent sense. I'm more confused than ever, and still can't see the point. I probably would have left by now, had I been an actual reader.

>>Or maybe it was the way Twilight’s eyes twinkled that told Fluttershy that this was, in fact, not safe. Fluttershy finally decided it was the way Twilight was sitting -- or rather, not sitting, but leaning over very close to her that turned Fluttershy off of the idea.
You've thus far been using 3rd Person Limited as the style of narration for the entirety of the chapter. It's Twilight's PoV, and that's fine, so long as you're consistent. But here you're abruptly changing it to Fluttershy, and that's weird and shaky. Keep with Twilight, please.

>>There’s no way in pony hell that I’d subject myself to that madness.
Pony hell? Let's stick with "heck", shall we? Just "heck", not "pony heck" mind you. "Pony X" implies that there's an X that isn't related to ponies, which can't be true for this story.

>>“Something like,” Rainbow Dash leaned into to whisper, “making a certain Wonderbolt with a flaming mane fall in love with me?”
Alright, I said something about this earlier, but I can't help it now. It's so out of nowhere that it makes no sense and confuses me as to RD's character completely. I was thrown off, confuzzled, and thrown off the Suspension of Disbelief Train.

>>She could feel the energy coming from Rainbow’s eyes. She didn’t like it. It felt moist and unpleasant.

What is this I don't even.

>>“What... just happened?”
Yeah. My thoughts exactly. For reference, that's not a good thing.

>>Ponyville doesn’t have a choir... Twilight thought. This thought was soon cut short by the force of Pinkie Pie and the entirety of Ponyville hopping directly into her incredibly confused face.
Where…does this come in? Huh? What? Song? Buh?

No. I'm sorry, but you can't take show elements and attempt to make them perfectly normal parts of life. Well, you can, but you do it in such a quick, matter-of-fact voice that it just falls flat.

I'd also like to say that I would enjoy the Pinkie-Author narration, but it should be interspersed throughout the chapter, contain relevant discussion, and make sense in context of the scene. Oh, and not have awkward wording.

>>“Twiiiilliiighttt! Wake uuuuppp!,”
This is a weird example of a vocabulary-located onomatopoeia. You're changing the spelling to suit the emphasis on the words, while you should instead be using different formats or speaking verbs to accomplish it. As it is, it just looks weird and silly.

>>“Well duh! We need to practice for all the bronies who will watch the song when it’s aired! What did you think we were doing?” She said this like it was common knowledge.
Pinkie breaking the Fourth Wall is overdone. Pinkie breaking the Fourth Wall for no reason and then suddenly ignoring it is just B-A-D bad. Don't do it. Please. For my sanity as a reader.

>>“I’ll be good I swear! I’ve even been practicing standing still!”
I think this is a comedy fic, and I'd just like you to know that this is the only thing that I laughed at in the whole chapter. It was good; it was Pinkie. But no other characters were really themselves.

>>“Okey dokey lokey
According to Google, this should be Okie-Dokie-Lokie. Just so you know.


*Please note that this was not a full line-by-line commentary so much as it was a reaction to overarching issues or problems in the story, for reasons made clear below. Any comments made above are not limited to those instances, and in fact may be widespread throughout the chapter.*


Characters: 2/5
I'm only giving you this much because I thought that you got Pinkie and Spike at least partially right. All the others were either inconsistent with canon or bland. Fluttershy was uninteresting, and I've made my thoughts on Twilight and RD quite clear. Randomness is fun, but it should never destroy a canon personality with something else (unless you're really good at it). In that case, it just becomes a new character in a confusing and silly situation.

Plot: 1/5
Gah. This spell. This spell..

Oh, and this horrible plot. Yeurgh.

Again, I already made my thoughts on this clear above, but I'm going to say it again: This does not work, it does not fit with the idea a reader originally has for the story, and is just really badly OOC, all over the place. If you want to write a TwiPie fic, then fine. Be my guest. But please, don't do it like this.

Setting: 1/5
I'm definitely docking you HUGELY here for the randomness. It's not funny, and doesn't make much sense. From Fluttershy suggesting "Ninja-Pirate-Zombie-Robots" (a TVTrope which shouldn't even be mentioned outside of a trollfic), to Twilight inflating (multiple times!) like some kind of balloon, and to Pinkie apparently having a personal choir, this story didn't make sense at the beginning and made even less sense at the end.

I realize, by the way, that you put "Random" as a tag in the submission. But I should also remind you that "Random" does not necessarily mean completely nonsensical and confusing; it just means that things happen that you wouldn't usually expect. There's a difference, though possibly a subtle one.

Mechanics: 3/5
There were two consistent issues that I noticed in here: awkward wording (including both sentence structure and word choice) and capitalization errors. Fix them, please.

Originality: 1/5
In another review, this might be classified as "Impact". I'm just going to cut to the chase and say this: I'm sorry, but thus far, I can't see any reason to consider reading your story. It was confusing, didn't interest me, and didn't even get to its premise. That's a major problem.

Total: 8/25

Final Thoughts:
That makes the second hard review that I've given out in two hours. Maybe I'm just in a bad mood? But regardless, there were definitely very real, very problematic issues with your story that I've pointed above.

I don't think I've ever done this before; I've rejected one fic, and put another on hold. That's the most irregular I've ever gotten with this reviews. But I've never before recommended scrapping a story before (which I am doing, in case you were wondering), and here's why:

I don't usually read shipping. In fact, I need do. But upon reflection, I agree that TwiPie could definitely be a cute ship, and one that I might read if deprived of my weekly Adventure/Comedy updates. Your submission and concept promised something: a cute romance that may involve comedy and some magic. I will admit that I semi-skimmed your synopsis, and maybe that was my own fault. But I can't see any reason for what you've written, and think that it really…shouldn't be here. I would advise you to start over from scratch, beginning from square one with a concept that you're really sure that you can—and will—write.

I'm sorry if I'm coming off as rude or arrogant here. That wasn't my intention. Rather, I'm trying to help you be a good writer, and if I think a particular story isn't going to work, then I'm going to tell you that in no minced terms. If I didn't care, I would've just given you an review devoid of thought or feeling and let this fic pass by. But I didn't. Because I want you to do well, and this isn't your best work.

I'll gladly take a look at any new material that you choose to write, and will answer any questions or comments that you may have. If you feel that I've treated you unfairly, then by all means let me know—I won't take offense.

I wish you the best of luck in your writing.
-Golden Vision


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 99809
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Well! It's certainly taken me long enough to finish this. Hopefully my thoughts are worth the wait.

So, I'm obviously not going to do a running commentary on this (due to length), but I will give you an overall review and my thoughts.

Characters: 3/5
Y'know…I realize that you put effort into this, but I never felt as though it was really Twilight speaking. Not even Celestia felt quite real to me. The "twists" to the rest of the Mane Six were interesting, I suppose, and fitting, but Twilight could have been exchanged with any other psychological horror protagonist, and it would have felt the same.

Plot: 1/5
This was just…not good. The premise itself is weird enough, and I think that I was expecting something totally different from what I actually got. But what's more is that nothing really made sense. It didn't make sense, for example, that Twilight proclaiming her love would necessarily do that to her friends. It didn't make sense that Celestia just wouldn't tell Twilight everything about it, if it's happened before. And I really just couldn't wrap my head around the "magic" thing, which sounded far too much like a crappy ripoff of Harry Potter fic "Should Bonds.

Setting: 4/5
You actually did a fairly good job here. Scene introductions, character body language, good pacing—it was all quite well-done. Your problem still lies with developing your ideas enough for them to make sense to the reader (as I said above).

Mechanics: 5/5
Well edited; good job. Nothing to see here.

Originality: 2/5
I think that another good word for this would be enjoyability, and if that's the case, then I really do think that this deserves a low score. The "transformations" were interesting, but quite unexpected and out of nowhere. The changes were far too abrupt and dramatic (in terms of the overall story outline), and pretty much just didn't make sense. Admitting romance => Silent Hill? (Or whatever; I'm not good with horror fantoms).

I think the only part of this I really enjoyed was Pinkie admitting she was straight. The Straydar had me rolling around on the floor. But not only was that horrible mood whiplash (and thus probably better for some kind of shorter comedy fic), but it was also horribly misleading, making me think that Twilight was going to team up with Pinkie to stop this crisis…

…And then you made a quick right turn and crashed the fic into a rock face. Suddenly, sad and apathetic Celestia.

((Wait. Where WAS Celestia? Couldn't she have, y'know, BEEN there with Twilight, and therefore helped to stop this? If she loved her at all, she would've told her everything up front and been there for her when Twilight was telling her friends. Worst. Love interest. EVER.))

[u]Total: 15/25

Final Thoughts:
The problem with this fic is unique: it's well written for what you set out to do, and is somewhat interesting (mostly in the middle). But the beginning and ending are just so confusing and awkward that I'd suggest revising them entirely, and then going over the middle until you get something that makes sense. If you look at, say, Portal as an example (stay with me): we start with something relatively comforting ("scientists", labs, testing chambers), and gradually move into something alien (insane AIs, the bowels of Aperture Labs, dysfunctional robots and insane scribblings, etc). And it doesn't need to be explained outright because of how well the setting is done (you can discover why just from looking around; it's subtle and implied). Whereas your fic promises us something straightforwardly (Twilight admitting her love; few friends changing) and then delivers on that horror, but it's completely out of nowhere, confusing, and awkward besides.

Had I been just a reader, I may have read this to the end just to find out what happens and not to be left on a cliffhanger (which isn't the reason you should want), and the ending would have left me sadly disappointed. There's no resolution, and the "dark ending" is just badly pulled off. It's obvious from your style that you know how to write, but it's possible that you didn't put as much thought in to the concept as necessary.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Suggested?: For some parts.

I suggest taking this to another reviewer for your next draft; I've already looked it over several times, and my be biased in my naive expectations of what "Horror" should look like. I do wish you the best of luck all the same!

-Golden Vision


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 99810
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I'm sorry, but I should probably tell you outright: your story looks nice, but ultimately it's a script for a screenplay. While I have no doubts that you spent quite a bit of time on this, I must sadly tell you that I'm definitely not qualified to review it. I suggest that you take it elsewhere, possibly to the TG, and make clear what kind of format it is.

Best of luck,


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 99812
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About 23 days, and 250 posts already. Just wanted to drop by and say good job! Have a pic related to the Chrysalis surge that will inevitably hit us all as summer progresses. Spoilered for irrelevancy.
>> No. 99817

Hey there! Thanks for your frank feedback. Indeed, I've got both feedback that it's the best thing ever and some which deems it the worst.

Obviously, every point by anyone is taken and absorbed like a delicious sandwich in dipping sauce. Also, please don't take this as me trying to argue. As I noted in my original post, I'm not trying to get this into EqD at all (it's actually been declined due to inappropriate bits), but I also happen to know that it's one of the pre-reader's most favourite fics. I'm just looking for more perspectives on it, and I thank you for the time you've taken to bring me yours.

As for what you've said, everything actually ties in pretty exactly to what I set out to do, if you can believe that.

Plot being 1/5? Yeah, there isn't a plot. But that's not the point of the story. The story is the experience. From the very start the reason why the premise is so transparent is because I'm telling you off the bat, hey, bad stuff is going to happen. To that end, everything else is a MacGuffin. The enjoyment of the story should have come in that little walk with Twilight as she heads off to her eventual end.

The ending as well, does not offer any resolution, and that's also done entirely on purpose. The basic thing is that there's something evil, something that happened, and all the story is is that slice of life and joining in the absolute badness that occurs.

Of course, the definition of what horror is is so broad, and sometimes people do expect a bit more and I can totally understand that.

Also I HOPE that you knew the 'romance' thing was entirely a tongue-in-cheek joke, right? >_>

I actually am sorry if that misled you. >_>;

But either way, the focus of the story was this: Experience the mood, share in the walk, and don't pay attention to the plot, because there doesn't necessarily need to be one when you're trying to bother people. =) Plot and originality SHOULD be low again because there very purposefully isn't one, and it's just an shallow means to an end.

But all the same, thank you for the frank and very elaborate review. I'm surely going to make any future projects a bit more accessible.

>> No. 99821
Title: What Went Wrong [Prologue - Chapter 2]
Author Name: Review Acquisition Program
Tags: [Adventure] [Slice-of-Life]
Characters: [Derpy Hooves] [Mane 6] [OC] [Spike]
Synopsis: Most ponies do not regard Equestria as a paradise. The country and its magically-maintained existence occupy the minds of most citizens in the same way that a favorite quilt does - a pleasant thing that will always be there when needed, but certainly not the end of ambition once acquired. Like a quilt however, Equestria has stray threads that threaten to unravel the entire tapestry if pulled hard enough. One of these threads is in the possession of a wall-eyed pony named Derpy Hooves. One day, she decides to give the thread a tug. One-hundred and eighty-two days later, while fighting for the lives of herself and her friends high atop a White Tower at the edge of reality, she wonders just what went wrong.
Length: 23863 words in 3 chapters
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XHUy70CGmRVQCBU-Un5TKCEsy6w28jCaG8LxSUcFFb4/edit

Hello again, Golden Vision. May I present the revision of my fanfic, What Went Wrong. This review copy includes the new Prologue, revised Chapter 1 and an advance revision of Chapter 2 (it had already been completed when you reviewed the first). Everything in the Prologue and Chapter 2 will be new to you. For the sake of convenience, I'll outline here what's been changed so that you don't have to read all of Chapter 1 again.

-Lots of SDT correction.

Scene 1 - Celestia & Discord
-This scene has been deleted and replaced by the Prologue.

Scene 2 - Derpy's Apartment 1
-Clarification mostly. Altered a couple of awkward lines.

Scene 3 - Derpy on the Job
-Changed several of Twilight's lines to make her characterization more consistent.
-Made Derpy's problem easier to understand.

Scene 4 - Derpy & Rainbow Dash
-Nothing much changed here.

Scene 5 - The Postmaster's Office
-Only small details changed.

Scene 6 - Derpy's Apartment 2
-Majority of the father's lines deleted.
-Majority of muffin symbolism deleted.
-Made Derpy's thought process easier to follow.

Scene 7 - Derpy's Appeal
-Altered Derpy's thoughts about the ceiling to make her epiphany clearer.

Scene 8 - The Guest Room
-Removed the meme element, but the "Letter to Celestia" bit retains its content otherwise.
-Expanded Spike's lines in the conversation at the end for clarity.

Scene 9 - Three Strike
-New scene.

I know that this is more than triple your max word count, but you did say to include the (massive) 2nd chapter for context. Things seem to have gotten pretty busy around here too, so I don't mind at all if you have to put this one on the back burner. Many thanks in advance!
>> No. 99835

Thanks very much.

I wasn't expecting you to read after the 1st chapter. Someone mentioned my 1st chapter is very weak and I need it properly reviewed.

By the way, I love your critique, straight to the point and constructive.

I'll repost after a fair few weeks.

Thanks again ^^
>> No. 99865
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I see that a lot of the things you said make sense. Yes, we over did it on being "random" (though this was just supposed to be a fun story), and yeah, we had a really crappy plot. I'd rework that. Hard to take that you want me to completely scrap it though. I've had a few friends read it, and they absolutely loved it and thought it was hilarious, but I guess that's just if we're being completely unprofessional here. Maybe it was late for you or something ;) but the people who have read it thought many of the elements were random. Yes I'd like to change the plot, and maybe it would make more sense had we written the second chapter before I sent it to you. But hey, when you're first starting out writing I guess you just can't win eh? We're young guys too, so who knows? Maybe that has to do with it.

Anywho, thank you for taking a look at it, and sorry for pretty much wasting your time lol.
>> No. 99867
I really need to pay attention while I'm writing xD What i mean to say was:

Many of the people who read it thought the "randomness" was absolutely hilarious

Or something along the lines of that.
>> No. 99885
Okay! I'm finished with my chapter. Whenever I come back in the queue, I'm ready for ya! Do your worst!! MWUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
>> No. 99901
No! There was NO way that you wasted my time! In fact, I think you did well for both of us!

The main issue that I noted was that your story lacked what seemed to be a unifying theme, and instead had various nonsensical elements tied together. Crackfics can be fun, and that's not a bad thing at all. Your problem was that you couldn't decide where to go with it, and just had too much, too fast. I really hope I haven't destroyed any intention you have of writing, and will gladly leave my queue doors open to you should you decide to do something else or revise this.

>> No. 99922
Characters: Mane 6
Synopsis:Over Fifty years after the events of the show, Twilight Sparkle returns to Ponyville, now a bustling city, to meet with her friends one last time. As she travels through the city, making her way to the meeting place, she is flooded with memories of her friends and their lives.
Length: about 12000 words
LINKS: might be some comments already
>> No. 99924
I will. I'll probably end up completely rewriting it. Some of the crack humor will stay in, because, well I think it's funny. But I'll send it back to ya' when it's redone and more.. original I suppose. Not as horrible either. xD
>> No. 99936
File 133576098391.png - (235.12KB , 1032x774 , Lets find you a date cover.png )

When Rarity finds out how little Twilight gets out of the Library, she decides to help Twilight find a date and begins to teach her the art of courting.

~6,500 words (one-shot)
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v6vIyNcDZKstdE53reGAXzM_y3ck9c3aPBoTzZgrr34/edit

Comments: Unpublished as of yet, this was a fun light-hearted shipping fic I decided to write. I plan to send it to EqD and then post it on fimfiction.
>> No. 100061
Title: Call of Cutie Zombie Ponies
Author Name: Argumedies
Tags: Indirect Crossfiction, Action, Adventure, "non-violent"
Characters: Spike, Rarity, CMC
Synopsis: What do you do when the fate of the world rests in your claws
Length: 5463 words complete


I would like to submit this to EQD and would like to know what you think
>> No. 100134
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So, I've already given you a full review (plus some commentary), so I'm mainly going to jot down some thoughts on this specific chapter here.

He felt in-character here, but I would have liked a tad more dialogue for him, even against the manticore. He seems like a vocal, cursing kind of guy, even in the midst of combat.

>Fight Scene
First off, good job on this—I don't think any fight scene I could write would be more than two paragraphs. I just can't choreograph. Yours, on the other hand, was excellently done. So much so, in fact, that I wondered if it might be a bit long.

It wasn't bad. The issue is, in the context of a MLP story, the fight felt more like a novelization of, say, a duel in Star Wars than a pony fic. That's fine, to a point. But this fight went on for pages (almost completely ponyless!), and the only thing was the hint of Zecora at the end. I'd have liked to see more, even if it was only a scene cut at the end.

I was actually okay with this. It was subtly done, fit well with the scene, and so on. Remove the quotation marks, though—italics are all you need for that kind of thing.

The dream was interesting, but I couldn't figure out whether it had actually happened (flashback) or if it was some kind of guilt trip. Make that clearer.

Only a few instances of this; I think I've marked them all out.

So...yeah. Good work; my major issue was that there wasn't enough pony. It's great writing, but not really in the vein of what you should be looking to write. Whether by expanding or trimming scenes (or both), you need to give us more of an MLP focus that you're currently lacking.



My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 100140
Thanks again, friend! Once more, your advice in invaluable!

Not enough Pony? I kinda know. I was going to add a small scene break between the fight and Barlow walking, but I was afraid it would feel shoe-horned, or it would break the flow of the chapter. Do you think it would hurt the flow if I, say, did a brief check in with Luna in the library? Or maybe Pomeroy abducting another pony?

Speaking of which, this is probably the last chapter that will have Barlow by himself. Next chapter is the field trip scene from before, re-written to add a few things. The next will be a split between Luna and the Mane Six, ending with Zecora bringing an unconscious Barlow to them. From then on, it will be Barlow and the mares. Once more, I know this is a MLP fanfic, and it appears that two of the first three chapters are ponyless. But I felt it was necessary to move the story. From now on it will be pony out the wazoo!

On that note, do you think the people at EqD would reject it for that reason? Not enough pony, even if it's still early in the story?
>> No. 100151
File 133583777921.png - (430.29KB , 1280x720 , BigMacintosh_Smartypants_S02E03.png )
Hello there! Have a (4-day late >_>) review!

Comments are in the GDoc; general thoughts below:


Characters: 3/5
Your characters weren't bad, per se. There was just not much that made them good, either. I didn't really sympathize for Big Mac, and AJ felt pretty much just…meh to me. The dialogue was a bit sketchy at parts, and I definitely was wondering what Apple Bloom was doing there.

I think you did a good job in the thought processes for Big Mac when he was reading the paper; the main issue, I think, was that there wasn't enough actual action that defined his character, in-story. Anyone can write out thoughts, but what you needed more of was something that defined Big Mac as a personality in terms of the ways in which he interacted with other ponies. That's something that comes with fleshing out scenes, and which will be addressed more below.

Plot: 2/5
It was nice. The ending, I mean. Much of the opening to the very last section had me wondering where exactly you were going with this. I felt like you needed a more direct path for the story to take. "Big Mac meanders around pondering possible humiliation" isn't the most captivating of story descriptions. And speaking of synopses, you tagged your fic "humor." Aside from the occasional meme reference, I didn't see much of anything that could be deemed humorous. If anything this could be deemed Normal/Slice-Of-Life, but you needed more that could make it seem like a real episode, for example.

You had an issue with transitions between Big Mac's thoughts in his room and them going into town. It was too abrupt, and missed out on far too many opportunities for this…well, for this humiliation—that you've been setting up for half the story—to actually appear. But it didn't, and that felt like a letdown for me as a reader. You skipped around so much in the last bit that everything just felt rushed and disconnected.

You need to flesh out your scenes and expand them—give us an image of the shopkeepers giggling at Big Mac and Smarty Pants with him unaware. Give us Cheerilee snickering apologetically on her way to the schoolhouse. Give us a scene of Twilight BEFORE she's needed as a Plot Device. And so on.

Setting: 2/5
I'm only giving this above a one only because you did fairly well in laying out the scene descriptions. There were quite a few atrocious (fun word) problems, though, mainly with Show, Don't Tell, a lack of body language, and consistent (though not terrible) Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I believe I described the issues in some depth in the GDoc, so I'm not going to go over them too much here. They definitely need work, though.

Mechanics: 3.5/5
You obviously know how to use Spellcheck, so yay! However, not only were there a few instances of awkward wording that I had to point out (including, at one point, a whole ending scene that felt off), but there were also some consistent issues that I noticed, such as:

>Not using a comma when transitioning from dialogue to a speaking verb
>>"Hello." Twilight said
>>"Hello," Twilight said.

>Capitalizing words before speaking verbs:
>>"Hello," Said Twilight
>>"Hello," said Twilight.

As well as the occasional incorrect tense, most of which I believe I pointed out specifically.

Originality: 2/5
It's a nice idea, so points for that. But I think that there was a lot more that you could have done with this story, either to make it an outright Sad, Comedy, (Friend)Shipping, or just Slice-Of-Life fic. But the way it was done, everything just kind of happened, with no overall writing theme. Sometimes, writing in an obvious style can be a good thing, and you need to choose why you think this needs to be written. To give a good laugh? To pair up Twilight and Big Mac (as "Fixing Up Ms. Smartypants" did)? Or to just do a character study? Whatever it is, you need to pick it and focus in on it; that way, you keep the readers engaged and wanting more. Right now, your biggest problem overall is that your story lacks what some would call a thesis—get to work on making one.

Total: 12.5

Final Thoughts: At no point did I actually want to put this fic down, so you did a good job of not irritating me past that point. However, when I finished it, I was left with a strong sense of "so what?" Like I said before, you need to do something with this story that gives it an impact. I think that once that happens, most your other problems will solve themselves in short order.

I'll take another look at this after future revisions, if you'd like. Feel free to ask questions or to comment on this review.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite Recommended?: More fleshing out than rewriting.

Best of luck!
-Golden Vision


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 100152
They might reject it. I'd recommend waiting until Barlow is fully on-board with the MLP crew before even thinking about submitting it.
>> No. 100155
Duly noted.

And about the scene break between the fight and him walking? Would that be too abrupt?
>> No. 100156
Probably. I'd actually recommend doing one of two things:

1.) Put in a scene of some Ponyville thing at the end of the chapter


2.) Intersperse Barlow's scenes before the fight with a Zecora PoV, so we get the pony side of things too, as well as a potential reason for her finding him.
>> No. 100163
Title: Love and Monsters
Author Name: Lucky Stampede
Tags: Adventure, Dark
Characters: OCs, with Doctor Whooves in a cameo.
Synopsis: Sweet Roll is an ordinary baker in Canterlot. When the Changelings invade, his day is shattered. Can he make it across the city to his fillyfriend Fair Share?
Length: 2908

(Special note, I'm afraid the ending may be hard to get)

>> No. 100170
Hi, first off. I love your story Naruto Reads Naruto. Makes me laugh every time.

Second, I'm here at the request of a pre-reader because my story is, yet again, not good enough to get on Equestria Daily due to grammar terms and the often haunting show don't tell in some parts. I would use TTG, but that's as busy as hell.

So anyway:
Title: Upon Wings of Sacrifice
Author: Rated Ponystar
Tags: Adventure, Sad, Shipping, Dark, Tragedy
Characters: Rainbow, Applejack, Gilda, Twilight, Celestia
Synopsis: How far would you go for love? Would you travel across the world? Face peril whatever the danger? Even sacrifice your own being? Rainbow Dash will have to answer these questions as she tries to find a forbidden mirror to bring back the one she both loved and lost. But at what price will it be?

Length: 61,795 (5 chapters and still going)

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7095/Upon-Wings-of-Sacrifice-

Also, the prereader gave me this message with the list of things that might help: https://docs.google.com/file/d/1E1lcPHFrsgrHpwHq0nFGHz2FSOBLOY2Gzy46yetPR0HACi3mmfU4G9DuKAtz/edit

If you want to email me about anything I'm: [email protected]

thanks again. Hope you enjoy
>> No. 100361
Gah. You promise to review some fics, and you get caught up writing one of your own instead.

I'll get to as many fics in my queue as I can tomorrow; I have only my apology for taking so long on some of them. I would like to request that no new fics be submitted until I have made my way through EVERY fic waiting for me (something that will likely take until this Friday), as I feel bad that I haven't been able to keep up with my promise to get back reviews, "that day or the next."

No need to take your fics off the queue or anything silly like that—I WILL get to them, and I WILL review them in full.

(Except, possibly, for that 23k word monster. For anything above 10k, I'll likely either only give my general thoughts on the whole thing, or else do a specific commentary and review on a segment no more than 5k words. If you choose to or have submitted something of that length, then please let me know if you would prefer one or the other).

So, goodnight, /fic/, and I shall see you tomorrow for moar reviewing!

>> No. 100580
File 133600690513.jpg - (92.86KB , 1600x1054 , 100949 - artist julian95 fighting_is_magic insane mane6_com rage sphere twilight_sparkle.jpg )
Not much commentary in the chapter itself, so have a full review!


Characters: 2/5
Your characters throughout felt very wooden to me. I couldn't get a feeling of anxiety or real worry from any of them during my time reading the first chapter, and the "scientists" (re: historians) in the second chapter just bored me. I needed some way to connect with the characters.

The problem wasn't body language or thoughts or anything like that. The problem was that your characters didn't really react to anything that happened. Celestia and Luna—benevolent goddesses who CONTROL THE CELESTIAL BODIES—seem to take this far too easily. It's more of a "meh, things'll be fine" then a "Oh my goodness, what if the Sun crashes down to Equestria without me controlling it?" There are a lot of implications that you're missing other than just "unicorns get pissed that the magic's are gone."

Also, I'm just going to say this here, even though I feel really bad for doing so:

Why do you have Scootaloo in this fic?

Seriously. She's not directly affected, is an immature narrator in what should be a mature fic, and is just irritating to read about. I found myself getting annoyed whenever you switched from discussing the magic (something somewhat interesting) to Scootaloo's…scooter tricks. Yeah.

Plot: 1.5/5

This is a bit longer than some people might be used to. It's not often that I'm perfectly okay with a chapter, but instead take umbrage with a story's basic concept. Take a breath and sit back, because it's going to be a bumpy ride:


Why is Discord being held in a trial? We've received no idea that Equestria even has a legal system, and Celestia has been shown to be more than willing to "kill/imprison" the monster without bothering about silly things like "evidence" or "guilt." There's no doubt that Discord was causing chaos (quite malevolently in some cases, too), or that Chrysalis was an evil bitch who wanted to destroy Equestria. That's one of the things about Epic Fantasy. And unless you're purposely trying to Deconstruct the idea of "defeat the bad guy, go home" (which you're obviously not), then this intro sequence has no point and is a drag on your story.

That's not even getting into the plot holes with what Discord does. Not only does he do something that makes no sense (get rid of magic using…magic? Huh?), but he is, for some reason, completely free to do as he pleases. Were I Celestia, I'd have made sure that he was in the magic version of Alcatraz before even daring to do anything with him. What's more, the "curse" comes out of nowhere randomly, and is just a plot device. For that matter, Discord is just a plot device (or so it seems). Something that might be better is a gradual turning of Equestria from magic to technology/nature or something—your opening scene might be Celestia or Twilight waking up one morning and discovering that their magic has been fading away/is weaker/is gone completely. Maybe it's a decision by Celestia's parents. Maybe it's a way to expand the mythology or setting of the MLP world—do or did the Griffons have magic? The Diamond Dogs? The Zebras? It's an interesting idea, and one that can be pulled off with a much better start than "Vengeful Discord Plot Device."

…Also, hold it. How would the Elements of Harmony, tools of MAGIC, work to restore MAGIC to the world? Does not compute. You can't use electricity to run a generator (Well, technically you could, but you get the idea).

((Oh, wait. They don't work either. But how wouldn't Celestia already know that? Presumably, she and Luna used them at some point, and would know how they ticked.))

I also really liked the idea of science and research replacing magic—up until the point where you made it clear that the entire point was to create a Fetch Quest to get the Macguffin and the Phlebotinum in order to restore magic to the world. So basically, iunno, Antipodes. BUT WITH NO MAGIC.

((And less engaging characters))

Setting: 3/5
You did well on setting up the scenes description-wise, so that was good. However, I think you skipped over far too many "could-have-been" scenes and ideas that would have worked well with your story (whether you agree with my thoughts on your concept or not). For example, you go straight from the magic disappearing to the Mane Six showing up at Celestia's doorstep. There's so much you could do there—the Princesses reassuring nervous politicians, calamities spreading throughout Equestria from the lack of controlled magic, and so on. The second chapter (with the infodump on "science" and getting ready to leave), which I'd recommend replacing anyway, also felt far too rushed.

Mechanics: 5/5
As you said, you had a Grammar Nazi editor, and for this, I salute you.


>>I'm so horribly offensive.

Originality: 1/5
As I've said in previous reviews, I personally believe that this section could just as well be labeled "Impact." My biggest gripe with your story is, as I stated in "Plot", is that it doesn't go anywhere that I would deem interesting. The science comes off as stuffy and esoteric (for reference, Doctor/Sheldon-like scientists with quirks and enthusiasm are a lot more fun as main characters), Discord's a plot device, and there's so much more you could do with the idea in the first chapter alone, but which you didn't do. Cloudsdale is made of artificial clouds, formed by pegasi weather magic. The Sun and Moon pull the tides, forming the seasons and climate. Much of Equestria, whether it be Canterlot and its great airships, or Ponyville and its modern conveniences (Faust: "A Unicorn Did It), depends on magic to run, whether directly or indirectly. You have the perfect opportunity to explore the consequences of magic leaving the world—grasp it with both hands!

Total: 12.5/25

Final Thoughts:

I'm just going to say this: if you fixed up the issues with characters and choppiness and all that other stuff, then I think your story could do fairly well. It might not be the next, say, Antipodes, but it would probably be worth a look over 90% of the other stuff on fimfiction. But the reason I'm going on so much about the plot and concept is that I really want to see this fic written, and I think you've got the perfect opportunity to make something unique and engaging besides "Twilight loses her magic and has to go on a quest to get it back." Explore! Boldly go where no author has gone before! Make something that people can look back on and say, "That was impressive."

I'll be there with you each step of the way if you need me, just as I am for all my other returning authors.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite Suggested?: Yes.

Best of luck!
-Golden Vision
>> No. 100618
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I only left commentary on the first 5k words or so of your GDoc, due to the whole thing being so long and all. However, I'm pleasantly surprised to say that I don't believe that any more comments were necessary. So, without further ado, have a review!

(…I'm a poet and I didn't know it!)


Just briefly, I believe you said you needed some help with the synopsis (which I agree with)? How about one of these?

>The calm before the storm too often gives way to lightening and thunder. Yet the clouds bring rain, and that rain waters the flowers below. When the storm is over, though, sometimes a rainbow stretches across the horizon, and the flowers will bloom in their full beauty.

>April Showers was a small, innocent filly, growing up in Cloudsdale with her younger sisters Skittle and Fluttershy. When Fluttershy fell from the skies into the forests below, they thought she was gone forever. But the ones that we love the most never die, and sometimes it takes a spring rain to let the flowers bloom.

They're probably crap, as I wrote each in about thirty seconds. Still, I hope they give you some inspiration. I'd also recommend changing the title—"Dear Princess Celestia," sounds too much like the title of a Twilight fanfiction. "April Showers Being May Flowers," maybe? (Perhaps I'm overdoing it with the flower imagery). Something that evokes a specific image or motif that relates to your fic would work best.


Characters: 3.5/5
I think you did a really good job here. This is where your fic needs to shine, and for all intents and purposes you made it work fairly well. I had a few complaints, though, the least of which being that you would slip "in-character" from time to time, and put words in April's mouth (or Skittle's, or their mother's) that, say, a small filly wouldn't use. I also think that you could have done more to re-introduce Fluttershy and April even before the letter, which I felt almost skimped out on some of the "meat" that I would have liked to see of their reunion. I'd also like to see more characterization of Fluttershy as a foal, at least at the beginning. That might be solved just by giving her more screen time, though.

I would just like to quickly question their mom's Daddy issues, especially in relation to his death and her reaction to it. Is it necessary that she be so obviously vulnerable to it by page…five?

I think you did very well in showcasing April's change from optimistic filly to jaded mare, and then back to happy and fulfilled again with Fluttershy coming back into her life. Like I said, though, you need more there to really make us feel the impact of that reunion. Otherwise, it comes off as rushed.

Plot: 4/5
I thought that every scene had a purpose, which was very nice. Each (literal) slice of life gave us a new perspective on your characters, like with April's cutie mark. I would still say that we would need more scenes to establish Fluttershy's character, and would like to put in that I think you need to do more to show Skittle's "maturation." I was honestly taken by surprise when she mentioned Canterlot.

You asked about the funeral scene, and I thought that you did a very good job there. Nice emotional gut punch. Poor April, though...

Setting: 4.5/5
Your prose was excellent, your narration enjoyable, and the scene introductions impeccable. I would complain of some minor SDT, which I marked in the GDoc, but that's it.

Mechanics: 4.5/5
With such a huge story, it's unsurprising that you made SOME errors. Still, it was one of the most obviously well-edited story I've gotten in my tenure as a reviewer here (Wait, we have tenure?). I'd suggest proofreading it over a final time, just to catch anything you missed (and which I saw but didn't note, because I'm lazy and horrible).

Originality: 5/5
I will admit that I had no idea that there was a background pony named April Showers. I feel like you really did give her—and their whole family—a real life of their own. The Mane Six have too little backstory, and you really gave Fluttershy something to live for. This was excellently done, and I can definitely say that it works well both as backstory, as background pony character development, and as simple "D'awwww" fic.

[u]Total: 21.5/25

Final Thoughts"
Wow. This was really good. It's so close to being perfect, too. If you make the changes I've suggested above, I'd recommend just letting some reviewer or beta give it a once-over before sending it off to EqD. Excellent, excellent work. I was depressed when their father died, and smiling gleefully at the end of April's letter. Good job.

Ready for EqD?: SO CLOSE.
Rewrite Suggested?: If you do, then Fluttershy will cry…

I look forward to seeing this on the front page!

Best of luck,
Golden Vision

>> No. 100632

Wait...you just reviewed that, and that mea-OHMYGOSH I'M NEXT IN THE QUEUE. Huzzah!
>> No. 100678

To be a little more specific on the synopsis, this is a short story that has an indirect cross fiction with the Call of Duty, Zombie games. More of a cross parody with references of the game I guess you could say.
>> No. 100694

Thank you VERY much for your review. I really appreciate your kind words, and I'll make sure to make the changes you suggested.

Just a few questions/comments:

>Is "Mirasol" a pony name? (on GDoc)
"Mirasol" is the Spanish word for "Sunflower," and I was using it in that sense. Does that work, or is "Mirasol" too human of a name?

>"Angel Bunny" (on GDoc)
Erp. You're the second reader to bring this up in a few days. FWIW, the connection between "Angel Bunny" (Mom) and "Angel" (the bunny, who I thought was just called "Angel") was intentional, and I was trying to play it off as "cute." I'll have to think of something... (also, at "Odeipal complex," I went O_o;;)

>"Arms"/"Legs" (on GDoc)
This was a stylistic choice. I prefer using human-equivalent terms (e.g. "shoulders") over anatomically correct terms (e.g. "withers") as I find them easier to read, and less confusing to the reader.
Also, believe it or not, "arms" is the anatomically correct term for a horse's forelimbs. No joke--look it up.

Thanks for these. I'll need to tweak it a bit--flowers of any sort aren't that big of a theme...maybe they need to be?

...yeah, the title doesn't fit as well as I was originally hoping. I'll take a look at that as well.

>re-introduce Fluttershy and April even before the letter... skimped out on some of the "meat" of their reunion... do more to make us feel the impact of that reunion...
What do you mean? Are you saying that they should spend a little more time together before April starts writing her letter to Celestia?
...frankly, I'm having trouble seeing what that would look like. Do you have any suggestions?

>I had no idea that there was a background pony named April Showers
...well, technically speaking, she's not. According to the list of background ponies on the MLPWiki, "April" is named "Parasol." One of the names that was up for vote was "April Showers," and I liked it so much I used it. Of course, there's now ANOTHER background pony on the list named "April Showers," who I only discovered last week. D'oh!
(FWIW, "Skittle" is on that list as "Skirtsy" (or something horrible like that) and "Dewey Decimal," April's boyfriend, is called "Silver Script." Oh well.)

>I was depressed when ... and smiling gleefully at ...
YES. That's exactly what I was going for. Thanks for letting me know--that makes me feel really good.

Erm...did you forget something here? Or did you integrate the comments earlier on?

Thanks again! Your feedback was very helpful. I hope to get this finished soon, and I'll submit it to EqD shortly after that.
>> No. 100741
Mirasol is definitely a too "human" name. I'd suggest Sunny Petals or something; I don't know. Something more obviously "pony".

I guess I can let the "arms" bit slide, however weird it feels for me to read. I will admit that I myself use "shoulder" occasionally.

As for the flowers...I just tend to associate Fluttershy with flower symbolism. Personal preference—in short, nothing you need to take note of; rather, just a suggestion.

By "re-introduce Fluttershy and April", I mean something along the lines of what happened in Canterlot Wedding Pt. 1. We meet Cadence (screw you, official spelling), and we could technically find out that she's evil right then and there. But instead, we get this whole progression of scenes that lays out her character for us. It's only after things are well-founded that Twilight makes her accusation.

Same with your fic. Have Fluttershy introduce April to her friends (for a whole scene). Have them tour Ponyville or Cloudsdale together (maybe even Canterlot, getting Skittles involved). Let there be April/Angel Bunny attitude shenanigans. In short, something that really makes this family come to life in feeling if not just in writing, as your letter accomplished well enough. It's just not enough, though, and that's where the issue lies.

And yes, that PS was a typo. Heh. My bad.

>> No. 100830
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Comments are on the GDoc, so let's get down to business, shall we?

>Let's get down to business
>To defeat, the Huns!

…Sorry about that. ONWARD!


Characters: 1/5
Okay, I'm going to say this up front: your characters felt neither amusing nor engaging throughout. Twilight's spider otaku-ness felt forced, Rainbow Dash's apathy (which I thought was well-done…up to the fourteenth time she said she didn't care about something) was annoying, and I felt you could have replaced every pony in this fic with a random OC and it wouldn't have made much difference. They didn't feel unique, and that was a major problem. Each of the ponies (and Spike) have their own voice, and you didn't really pull through on that. Spike's an immature, sarcastic lizard—he'd be making bad puns at Twilight's expense the second he caught whiff of something strange. And Dash would try a forcible intervention as soon as she thought something weird was going on, with Spike's approval or without. And so on.

Plot: 1/5
I'm sorry, but the plot didn't really interest me. I know I tried my best to be positive in GoogleDocs chat, but the truth is that you're going to have to do some serious expansion/condensing in several parts of the fic. Scenes often felt rushed or forced (like Spike finding the spider upon coming home), and others felt like they contributed nothing to the plot (RD ignoring Spike for the nth time, anyone?). You need to sit down and decide where you want to go with this fic, and then make sure that each scene both logically transitions to the next, and that they all work together to achieve your goal of an amusing and seamless narrative.

Setting: 1/5
There was some really bad SDT throughout. I also noticed that you rarely took the time to set up a scene, when you could have done so in about five lines of light exposition. For example, when Spike first talked to RD about Twilight's problem, I had no idea where they were or what was going on. For all I knew, they were in Cloudsdale and Dash's roommate Cloudchaser was doing inappropriate things next door.

(Yes, that was a joke—and one in horrible taste as well—but you get the idea).

Mechanics: 4/5
I don't think I noticed too many typos. There were quite a few instances of awkward wording, though. Fix those—read 'em out loud, if you have to.

Originality (Impact): 2/5
I'm giving this a higher grade because I think this is a fun little meta-concept. Pony "bronies" sound like an amusing idea; the only problem is deciding where to focus this new obsession. Spiders could be interesting, but it really just feels forced. Maybe if there was some popular spider-related book series written by an author with a punny name—I don't know. Give us a reason to see this new subculture emerge. Make us want to follow it along.

(And maybe this was my fault for reading it again today [why do I do this to myself], but please don't bring up the idea of Spiderses in your fic, even accidentally. Spiders swarming over ponies, random unfunny sex jokes—

Ah, yes. The humor.

This was, undoubtedly, a [Comedy] fic. Yet I found very little comedy. It's not your fault, per se. You were trying too hard. Most of what I found comprised blunt innuendoes and slapstick humor. Satirical fics, like this one, need more of a subtle touch, even when purposely done with all the artfulness of a sledgehammer. Make us laugh; don't make us cringe.

[u]Total: 9/25[/u

Final Thoughts:

Yeouch. And after I was so optimistic with you, too! Here's what I think your basic problem is:

>You don't know what you want to do with this.

Now, before you protest, let me explain. When I want to write a story, I often find myself writing out a full paragraph or page that records what I want to convey to the reader, thematically and plotwise, and how I want the characters to react to that prompt. This lets me know exactly why I'm writing this and what I may need to do to make it work.

Of course, then I just vomit the words onto the page, but that's what repeated edits and proofreading are for.

What you need is to decide where you're going with this. Are you making it a TragiComedy, with a focus on Twi's bizarre obsession (fetish, even)? Or is it a straight-up Satire on the fandom, with subtle nods throughout? Or even a trollfic—not that I'm suggesting that it is one (it isn't), but it is one conceivable step that you could take, if you so chose.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Suggested?: Most likely

Best of luck,
Golden Vision
>> No. 100931
Title: Dissonance in time
Author name: Kosi
Tags: Cross over, adventure, (light shipping LIGHT!!)
Characters: Octavia, Vinyl Scratch, Doctor Whooves, a few OCs
Synopsis: Stopping an invasion on canterlot, saving the day, dealing with the crazy antics of two border-line insane music ponies; just another typical day for the Doctor
Length: About 3k words now, I want to add more but like we talked earlier ;_;

>> No. 101048
Review given in GDocs chat.
>> No. 101049
What does it mean if your story is highlighted in blue in the Queue?
>> No. 101050
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Oh, gosh. I'm really sorry, but prepare for yourself for a negative review. There are a lot of things that need fixing with this fic, and I'm going to have to be as blunt with them as possible.



Characters: 1/5
Here's the lowdown:

I didn't feel like I was reading about Twilight Sparkle.

Oh, the main character had her name alright, but at no point did I actually feel as though this was the student of Princess Celestia, Element of Magic, who was talking to me in this story. Instead, I get an inconsistent and apathetic pony who really seems to be...well, uninteresting.

You didn't show us Twilight growing old, bitter, or uncaring. You just thrust her on us, and gave no justification for it whatsoever. I couldn't emphasize with her, and was so distracted by that that I nearly forgot about the other characters in the story—

—But there weren't any.

If you want to write a solo reflection story, then fine, but you can't just write a story about the history of the Mane Six and Twilight without including anyone's story but Twilight's. And you didn't even tell hers.

Plot: 1/5
TL;DR Version: There wasn't one.

Twilight got depressed (in a book report format, no less), she...decides to go on a trip? And then goes to something that I think is Ponyville, but doesn't really have anything that makes me care about it. Also, apparently there's a war. And urban malaise. And romance—

(No, seriously. What the heck is up with the RD thing at the end of the chapter? Confusing and weird as hell)

I really feel like there's no point to this chapter. Is it a prologue, or a oneshot? Is Twilight accomplishing anything? Is this chapter accomplishing anything?

I'm also going to take this opportunity to put down what I thought was the worst part of your fic: the "narrative" crossed with occasional "dialogue". It was worst at the beginning, where you pretty much gave us—in the most Tell-y fashion I've ever seen—a complete description of Twilight's life. For reference, let's take a look at your opening paragraph.

>The last couple decades had been a blur to Twilight Sparkle. She went about her business, but she didn't really seem like she was alive. Day by day she grew farther and farther into that droning trance of routine. The rolling waltz of life never ceased to tire her spirit. She couldn't take the dull day to day life in her research facility. Even her groundbreaking research could not console her exhausted soul. She seemed to laze on through life, not really taking in the details, but just trudging on without paying them much attention.

Yeouch. This is a good outline, but definitely not a good story. Let's see what we can do with this:

>Twilight montage, slowly getting more into a day-by-day routine
>Twilight becoming uninvolved with research, "authority figure on high."
>Random tragedy to make "exhausted soul" actually MEAN SOMETHING.

...Wait, no. I'm actually not going to do this. Because this seems to miss a major point that I feel is quite relevant.

Research is about finding what's NEW. It's not about puttering around with old, boring things. I doubt ANYONE (let alone Twilight Sparkle) would ever get bored of a "new magic fusion generator." In short, while I really hate doing this, I have to object to your premise of "Twilight gets bored and decides to be halfway nostalgic).

Setting: 2/5
You did a "mreh" job of describing character actions (as in, Twilight walking down the street and such), but there was so much SDT in the narrative itself that I was literally having eye twitches once a page. The dialogue/narrative sections were extremely choppy and irritating besides, as you'd pretty much tell us something and then illustrate that exact point, no more, no less (even if the point itself was vague or unclear) with dialogue by random...background ponies? Or whoever.

I think I counted a few times where there were flashbacks, too, but in the exact same format as the side dialogue. It wasn't clear what you were doing at all.

Mechanics: 4.5/5
You did a good job of proofreading this, at least. I did note some occasional weirdness, though, such as using hyphens for stuttering when it didn't seem like the speaker didn't need one. There was also the ocasional typo, but nothing too bad.

Originality: 1/5
I've seen Nostalgia fics. I've seen Regret fics. I've seen Scientist!Twi fics. I've even seen Twilight-reflect-on-the-past-while-wandering-through-urban-Ponyville fics.

In short? I didn't see much of anything in your fic that felt unique or particularly interesting to me. I'm really sorry (and I mean this—I HATE telling authors this, because it makes me feel like an ass), but I could not find anything that I cared about in your story.

Make me care. Make me see your characters. Make we want to know what happens.

Or else all that's left is an exercise in futility.

[bTotal: 9.5/25[/b]

Final Thoughts

The format was really what killed you. Had you written it differently, then I could've made it through. But I had to remind myself several times while reading it that I needed to finish for your benefit, and not for my own enjoyment.

For all I know, you're excellent at writing scenes. Maybe you bestow a great sense of tension or emotion, all conveyed through clipped dialogue. Maybe action gets your fingers typing like crazy, drawing it out into the most insanely awesome action sequence ever.

But I wouldn't know because, aside from the non sequitur "Twilight orders a sandwich", there wasn't a single scene to be spoken of.

I'm going to recommend that you take a good, long look at this story and decide not only where you want to go with it and why, but also what you think will make this idea both unique and special within the fandom (what will it contribute?), and how you can make this happen. Do a full outline of every scene—that's fine, and in fact commendable. But don't forget that once you've done that, you also have to write the scenes out.

I want you to do well. I never want an author to get depressed or offended by my review. If you have any questions or comments then by all means feel free to make them.

Ready for EqD?: Very much no.
Rewrite Recommended?: Yes (or at least, a huge restructuring and expansion/fleshing out).

I'll gladly look at anything else you might have, once you've revised and resubmitted (perhaps in a few weeks?).

-Golden Vision
>> No. 101084

Huh. Fair enough. In any case, I'm shifting the project to my perpetual back burner in favor of Portal-esque comedy starring Twilight. Not a Portal crossover, just something with that sort of humor.
>> No. 101106
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Title: Silent is the Damned
Author Name: Myself, aka Punslinger
Tags: Dark, but not Grimdark; Adventure; Battle; Prison.
Characters: (So far) Shining Armor, Fleur De Lis, Guard Ponies, Original Characters: Silent Sword, Lawful Lectern.
Synopsis: Silent Sword, a female guardsmare that was promoted a few years ago to the Valkyries, secret soldiers that report only to the princesses and their closest aides. Then something happened that ruined Silent's stable life. She was suddenly reassigned to guarding the Archer Ruby in the Canterlot archives, a gem of mystical power. She was knocked out by a masked assailant and when she awoke, the Ruby was gone. The only pony who could exonerate her is missing, presumed dead. She's assumed involved in the plot and stripped of her rank, dishonorably discharged, and imprisoned at Arkhoof Rock. No backup. No escape. No mercy.
Currently not finished with the last chapter, where she escapes with Fleur De Lis, a fellow Valkyrie.
Length: 1,333 Words / 7,518 Characters
Story Link: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B6bU3pg5TzYIdDlZWEUwcGVPc3c
Characters Link: https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B6bU3pg5TzYISHAxZ2VRMGwyQ0U
>> No. 101123
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I'm quite happy to say that I really enjoyed this fic. I usually don't prefer shipping, as a rule, but yours definitely earned its place in the top ten of fics I've reviewed thus far. Let's see why, shall we?


Characters: 5/5
This was easily the best section for me. Shipping is built off of the characters, and you did a great job with it. Rarity's suggestive elegance, Twilight's adorable awkwardness, and the two's extro/introverted dynamic really worked well throughout. You even hit the nail on the head with the side characters—I can remember every single background pony, from the waiter, to Carrot Top, to the blue mare on the dance floor, and to the pink model and her friend that wanted a foursome.

No complaints here!

Plot: 4.5/5
This was quite good, and interesting besides. I liked how the story flowed, and actually thought that it would work very nicely as a oneshot. My one objection (recommendation, really), is that you might make the initial attraction to Rarity more subtle, and slowly have Twilight realize that she's actually interested at the very end. At the moment, it reads as Possibly Interested->They'e going on a date->They're interested in other ponies->They're in a relationship. Try to make it a bit more gradual; I might prefer if Twilight is unconscious of the possibility of actually being with Rarity until midway through the bar scene(s), but as you're the author, that's ultimately up to you.

Setting: 3/5
This is the one area where I think you need a bit of work. There were a few Tell-y bits throughout, especially where you talked about emotions or thoughts directly, rather than implying them through action and dialogue. And while on the subject of dialogue, you need to insert more body language in strategic places. Try not to have more than 1-2 unbroken lines of dialogue unless it's in a fast-paced back-and-forth.

Mechanics: 5/5
Nothing to report here; excellent proofreading.

Originality: 5/5
I really must admit that I did enjoy this fic. It was well-paced, interesting, and set up a pairing that I had to grudgingly admit might work. By the end, I was full-on supportive of the ship, and was entertained besides. There were a few lines in there that had me either grinning broadly or snickering under my breath. It's also a unique take on what might usually be a flat topic—two ponies going on a date. So good job there.

Total: 22.5/25

Final Thoughts:
You're so close! If you fix up the SDT and dialogue issues, then you'll be rolling in the dough (I mean, favorites) in no time! Once you've got it polished up with those few things, feel free to send me a quick link to make sure it's all in order (my email's [email protected]), and then it should be fine to send off to EqD (if you so desire).

Ready for EqD?: Very, very close.
Rewrite Suggested?: Buck no.

Golden Vision
>> No. 101132
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I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I feel like there's a lot of humor to be had from the extrovert/introvert thing you mentioned. Not to mention I have a fun time writing Rarity's trans-Atlantic speech. Going into this I planned a cute one-shot, but now I'm probably going to try to make another long shipfic akin to what I did with Flying High, Falling Hard (albeit with significantly different tones and plot). So I agree with needing to pace Twilight's growing affection for Rarity a bit more, and I believe I can do that now that I have a clear idea of what I'm getting into.

I will most likely hint at Twilight's feelings only at the end, and I already have an idea for what Chapter 2 will be about, or at least how it starts.

I have a tendency to picture two characters talking in a white box. Most of my setting is tacked on after I write a scene, in fact. I'll do some reading specifically geared to get a better sense for establishing setting.

I often find it hard to repeatedly show the same emotion through body language without having too much repitition. How do you describe someone being bashful 50 different ways? I usually wind up resorting to things that are telly, but not overly so, in order to avoid repetition.

Maybe I'll sit down in a document and actually describe somepony being sad, angry, shy 50 different ways each as an exercise.

I'll be sure to send you the revised copy before submitting.
>> No. 101133
Okie-dokie-lokie! Chapter three is in the bag!

Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis:Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria, a world that has not known violence like his in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this mad man no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...

Chapter Synopsis: Twilight and her friends help Cheerilee with a class field trip to Fluttershy's. What will they find in the Everfree Forest?

>> No. 101144
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>"Get up Spike!" Rarity shouted as she dropped him off her back.
First off, this should be, "Get off, Spike!" Rarity shouted… Also, it doesn't really do well as an opening sentence. This doesn't really get me too interested in what's going on. You need to give us an opening scene that really hooks us into the story, either through its plot or its characters.

>"Um ah.. Huh," he replied
First off, ouch. Get rid of the weird words. If he's grunting, then just say so. Also, tell us who "he" is. Just because Rarity referred to (in the opening sentence, no less) doesn't mean you can just assume we know who you're talking about.

>The stars shined bright
"Shone" bright.

>with her unicorn magic
Do you really need to say this extra bit? I think we can safely infer it (and it isn't really important to set the mood, anyways).

>"No more excuses," she said as she paused him in mid excitement.
SDT. Don't say she "paused him", and definitely don't say that it was "in mid-excitement." Say that she "held up a hoof, giving him a strict look," and that he "immediately fell silent, letting his arms fall to his sides."

You get the idea (I hope).

>"Princess Luna went all out and brought about this eclipse in order for everyone to watch the meteor shower,
I guess you need an eclipse so that..the sky will be dark? I don't know. If this is important, then you should explain it better.

(And can't you watch meteor showers ever without an eclipse?)

>"I'm sorry Rarity, but the least I can do is walk you home."
So far, all I've gotten from this fic is that Spike is apparently not completely into Rarity, and that she's quite bitchy with him about what she expects him to do. And Spike is apparently That Guy who…well…uh.

Y'know? I don't really know what to think of him. Or her. I'm not sure I can find the words to describe it, but so far I don't really feel as though they have an interesting dynamic. He says something, she says something, and then he says something, but I don't really feel as though they connect.

>Then a rush of hot air whizzed by them way up in the sky, and they watched the flames of the meteor come hurdling towards the outskirts of Ponyville.
Sorry, what meteor? This feels like a random event out of nowhere that is just here to wreak havoc. We go from Rarity bitching to flames killing things and then back to Rarity bitching in 10 seconds flat. That's not a fun ride to take.

>But her words fell short as she witnessed the destruction all around them. She gasped in fright as she saw that Ponyville had been all but flattened by the meteor's impact, homes were on fire, and anything that was in the impact area was obliterated leaving a huge scar across the land.
If Ponyville is gone…

…Then how dafuq are they still alive? Pardon my French, but you've gone and made a huge freaking town disappear into nothing within the space of three lines of a random paragraph. There's no impact. There's no believability.

>"Oh I hope my store is alright!" Rarity cried
…And did I mention that Rarity was being a complete bitch? Because she is. Rarity's the Element of Generousity—she'd be thanking Spike profusely and looking for survivors, not whining about being a lady and worrying about her pretty little store.

Quick question, also: Why doesn't Spike, at least, care about the undoubtedly several hundreds of ponies that just kinda died?

>"This was getting spooky," he thought
Tense confusion and fourth-wall breaking inner narration.

Also, what a bastard. Everyone just died not five seconds ago, and he's worried about things being "creepy"?

(I'm really sorry for swearing so much in this review. I'm just getting really, really irritated at your characters.)

(…That probably didn't make you feel any better, did it?)

>All my clothes are ruined!

>Rarity shouted and cried hysterically as she ran out of the closet and over to her bed dropping the small lantern on the floor.
I'm just going to say this here, because dayumn, do I not want to have to say it again. Get yourself a proofreader, because this^^ should be:

>"…Rarity shouted, crying hysterically. She ran out of the closet and to her bed, dropping the small lantern onto the floor."

Commas, awkward sentence reorganization, splitting up run-ons, etc, etc.

>we should head to the library to see if she's ok
I should let you know that I have issues with people spelling the word "okay" like "ok".


>Spike walked over and picked up the lantern
This action is a complete disconnect from the last bit of dialogue ("We should go to the library, Rarity"). This is a common problem for you—you'll have a character see one thing, and then have them do something (seemingly) unrelated. If I try, then I can see how it fits, but it takes too much effort that should be expected of a reader.

>when he heard another clank and an eerie growl
I can't decide if this is a gory apocalyptic fic (as per the meteor) or a horror one (as per, well, this plus Spike's remarks on stuff being "creepy")

Finally, oh to heck with it. I don't think I can review this any more, not with commentary. It's the end of the first chapter and already I'm just scrolling down mindlessly. It seems like this prompt would be a better random trollfic than—


So it was a trollfic (or something of one).

Maybe I'm insulting you by saying that, and if I'm mistaken, I'm really, really sorry, but that's all I can see this as. There was no characterization, the plot was choppy and confusing, there were explosions and loud noises and general fantasy fulfillment and a "it was all just a dream bit at the end."

So yeah. Still looks like a trollfic.

I don't know if you want to make this into a serious story. Maybe you're just an inexperienced writer, and if so, then I would like to humbly apologize—if you need a little help getting started, then you can email me with any questions or requests at [email protected]

If this really is a serious (ha-ha) trollfic, then please spread the word that I do not appreciate trollfics in my queue.

(Unless they are genuinely funny).

Good day to you,
Golden Vision
>> No. 101197

Thank you for being honest and I'm glad you took the time to read it.

I have a few comments and questions so I will be sending you an e mail and keep the forums freed up for the others
>> No. 101210
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You were right about the problem with the ending. Commentary's on the GDoc—shall we get started?


Character: 2/5
This is something that needs work. I never felt as though I could connect with your characters. Having Sweet Roll actually interact with some of the other ponies might help, but so would expanding this chapter (as I'll write in Plot). You can't pull off love and proposals without making us really care for your characters right off the bat. That sort of thing takes time, and you just started off too abruptly to let it happen.

Plot: 2/5
This chapter felt like a single, long, action scene, and as far as I know, that's all it was intended to be. But if you want to make this a romance/heartwarming, then you need to expand this into a full story that might be centered around the Changeling Invasion (chronologically), but nevertheless isn't completely dependent on it.

Also, I had no idea what the heck was going on with the scene at the end. For the past 1500 words, I've been reading about him rescuing Fair Share, and now I'm reading the opposite? It was all Just A Dream? I dunno.

Setting: 2/5
You also need quite a bit of work here. You had a huge problem with Show, Don't Tell (SDT) that I noted throughout, and it would have been nice if you had fleshed out each of your scenes into something that really introduced us to your characters. The narrative often felt choppy, especially when the Changeling invaded the bakery, and when Sweet Roll found Fair Share.

Mechanics: 3.5/5
You had a few issues with tense confusion, grammatical shenanigans, and awkward wording throughout. Check the GDoc for examples.

Originality: 3/5
This is an interesting idea. The effect of one of the Mane Six's villains on the average Joe pony. But you need to do more with it to make it really feel as though we want to read about these ponies. At no point did I feel irritated by your characters, and that was good. But you need to do more to actually make them interesting and likable. Dialogue and such will go a long ways to making your characters really come to life.

Total: 12.5/25

Final Thoughts:

I think the main issue with your story is that things just kind of…happen. I don't really have an emotional investment in your characters, and so I can't bring myself to really care about what happens to them. By no means is this an insurmountable obstacle for you—it has a very simple solution. Give your characters personalities. Make what they do have an impact somewhere, whether on themselves or others. Let them interact and create more interesting dynamics. Show us these dynamics, and let us form our own opinions, rather than just using them as exposition fodder at the beginning.

Do that, and your story will be well on its way to 5 stardom.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Recommended?: Not really.

Best of luck,
Golden Vision
>> No. 101238
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Hullo there! I should just let you know: your fic's so long that I'll only be looking at the first chapter (specifically, the first 5k or so words; you have enough to work on without me going any further). Also, I'll be focusing mainly on recurring issues, so don't expect to much line-by-line here (especially as I only have a link to fimfiction, and not GDocs). Still, I'll do my best!


>There were just some days when all you wanted to do was just sit back and relax as life just passed by.
Don't start with a weather report.

>Sitting comfortably on a long tree branch was a cyan pegasus with a rainbow colored mane.
You have Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I'm sorry, but it's true—I lost count of the times that I saw a "blue pegasus" instead of Rainbow Dash.

>Unless you count the long nagging the pegasus always had to suffer from.
Stop using second person. This isn't a second-person fic.

>Sweat beaded on Rainbow Dash’s forehead as she started regretting opening her mouth to begin with. The truth was she still hadn’t gotten the Sonic Rainboom figured out. Despite practicing for almost a year, Dash had only managed to unleash a short burst of a rainbow-colored energy ring, and that was if she was only lucky. Most of the time she either nearly crashed or got thrown back by the resisting force needed to break the sound barrier. Dash didn’t want to seem like a coward for backing out… but at the same time, she didn’t want to mess up in front of Applejack of all ponies.
This whole thing is really bad SDT/Exposition dump. Don't tell us all of this; either make it obvious to us that Dash was fibbing through her body language and dialogue, or don't put this in at all. And don't say that she "didn't want to seem like a coward"—again, body language should take care of this well enough that you won't need to.

>“Oh yeah!?
Please don't use double punctuation. Pick one.

>distancing herself enough so that a feeble ‘I hope…’ couldn’t be heard.
Then don't say it. If it needs to be said, then say either that Dash murmured something inaudible, or that she mumbled it under her breath. It all depends on which PoV you're going for—either Dash's, or AJ's. Pick one and stick to it.

>Her cyan wings beating through sky as she left behind her signature rainbow streak.
Dash only leaves behind a rainbow streak when she's actually broken the Rainboom barrier. Also, this isn't a sentence.

>With her wings, Dash felt like she had power to go wherever she wished.  Flying wasn’t just something Dash did for the sake of excitement. It was a way of life.
This is more Telling/Expodumping. I think we know this already, too—why are you telling us this? I thought she was desperate to pull it off. This just changes the mood entirely.

> With her speed tested out and her wings warmed up, she focused on her second task: centrifugal force. With it, she would be able to attain the speed necessary for her final dive and, hopefully, be fast enough to break the sound barrier.
That's not how centrifugal force works. In fact, just going straight down toward the ground would work better.

>A Mach cone
Either it's a Mach Cone, or a mach cone. This is use one example—do try to proofread better, please.

>“I know... but I really wanted to impress you,”
This doesn't feel like something Dash would admit, unless prodded quite a bit. She might admit that she really wanted to pull it off, to "show that she's ready for the Wonderbolts" or something, but she wouldn't go this far, even if it were true.

>Ya made a recovery faster than a jackrabbit findin’ out it entered a fox’s den,”
Please no bad Southern metaphors. I get enough from Friendship is Witchcraft.


>It was the same reason why Dash also made an effort to visit Applejack’s farm whenever she had the time. Sure, the trees were comfortable for sleeping, but seeing Applejack was the real reason for the visits.  The strangest thing was there was no need to sneak around. Sweet Apple Acers was always open for friends of the family at any time, but there were days when Rainbow Dash just wanted to watch Applejack without the farmer knowing.
This is waaaaayy too much Telling. I hope I don't need to say why.

>It had all started after the Running of the Leaves competition…
Oh, gosh. Don't flashback on me here.

…Oh wait; you just did.

Don't. If you must, start the story with the Running of the Leaves, and then go onto the Rainboom Scene. Make it immediately afterwards if you'd like, or maybe put in more transitional scenes. Whatever it is, do your part to avoid unnecessary flashbacks!

> Blinking water out of her eyes, the re-wetted mare glared at the earth pony as the orange mare surfaced for air.  The farmer’s dive had left the cyan swimmer with a drooping mane that looked like it had been on the receiving end of a tsunami. Catching sight of the pegasus' new mane-doo, Applejack laughed like crazy.
This is more of a restatement than anything, but I believe that I don't really have to say anything about the sheer amount of LUS here.

>“You’re beautiful...” Dash blurted.
I'd think Dash might think this, and then shove it down. She might blurt out that AJ looks cool to cover it up, but she wouldn't say it immediately out loud. Dash's mind doesn't immediately move toward "beautiful".

>The cyan mare could feel her heart thumping like a drum as her face turned crimson; realizing just how suggestive their position was.
This is…very sudden. And not very good for a shipfic, either.

Imagine this in reality: You're friends with someone (literally nothing else going on), and then the two of you fall into an accidental suggestive position, and suddenly it's liek, totly secksual.

(Forgive my language. But this scene really feels very forced)

> She had always known that she liked mares, as colts were never that attractive to her.
Y'know, to make this obvious (instead of, you know, Telling is), you could have Dash drop a few hints to other mares in a few throwaway scenes that could develop RD/AJs' relationship from friends to crush; that way, this bit doesn't seem sudden or forced, and we can see a believable facet of Dash's personality.

>the love sick
One word.

>Even though Equestria was more open to homosexuality than most other nations, but it still had its prejudiced groups just like any other.
I'm just going to say here that you're doing the Expodump again. Don't. If you can't show it to us in-world, either with action or with dialogue, then don't show it at all.

>Dash prompted
>Pinkie responded
>Pinkie guessed.
>Dash sighed
Just use "said". Don't give us so many speaking verbs, unless you really need to emphasize something (like for "shouted" or "whispered".) "Said" is a nice, neutral verb that allows us to read the dialogue without getting too caught up in other diction.

> “I got it! You were thinking about Applejack and how much you love her, but you can’t find the words to say it?”
Um…how the heck would Pinkie know this? Unless you've made it painfully obvious (in which case AJ would know too), or unless RD has specifically told Pinkie, then I daresay you're implying Pinkie's some kind of mindreader.

(Which isn't good outside of a random 4th wall fic).

>Dash forced herself to calm down and keep her voice level normal as she replied, “No I’m not.”
>The pink mare wasn’t having any of it.  “Yes, you are.”
>Dash shook her head. “No, I’m not.”
You can (and should) ignore body language in this one scenario—where you have a quick back-and-forth of dialogue. This would read, for example, as:

>Dash forced herself to calm down. "No, I'm not."
>"Yes, you are."
>"No, I'm not!"

And so on. Remember that you also need to show an escalation throughout, and if you do it too slowly (too much arguing with noting being solved), then it gets cluttered.

>Rainbow Dash, you have to stop thinking such things. Applejack is your friend, just like everypony else.
I'm sorry, but this whole section sounds like something that Twilight would say, not Pinkie. The reasoning, the clear logic, the tone itself—it all screams "Twilight" to me.

(Or Rarity.)

Definitely not Pinkie, though. Pinkie's more childlike; more direct but less able to see the big picture. If you want to keep her IC, then look at things from that angle.


Characters: 2.5/5
You definitely did a good job on the dialogue; I liked that. For AJ and RD, nearly everything I said, I could imagine them actually saying in-show. You do, however, need to put a bit more work in making sure that their reactions are consistent and IC.

One big problem, though, was that Dash's feelings for AJ were out of nowhere and came far too fast. You need to put in a lot more time (and a few more scenes) to develop that relationship instead of just throwing it in our faces.

Pinkie also turned OOC about halfway through (as I've noted above). Her advice-giving to Dash didn't feel quite like her, and there wasn't any real reason given why she would know about Dash's feelings for AJ.

Plot: 3/5
I thought it was a nice idea (I obviously didn't get far enough to reach the real "meat" of your story). However, I took off points here for the organization of your story; flashbacks are generally not a good idea, and there were a lot of points that you could have fleshed out more in order to better characterize Dash and her thoughts on Applejack.

Setting: 2/5
You had quite a bit of body language, which I liked. However, you lost a lot of points off of your Expodumping (telling us all about Dash's past, the events in Equestria, etc) and your SDT.

Also, don't switch to second person reflection in the middle of a third-person narrative. It's quite jarring, and doesn't reflect well on your narrative.

Mechanics: 4/5
Only a few issues here, mainly with what I pointed out. I suggest you give it another proofread, though.

Originality: —
I'm not going to give you a grade here, largely because I don't feel as though I read far enough to be able to give you one. This is probably my fault, but remember that I'm as mortal as anyone, and that a 16k monster is enough to scare anyone off. If you'd like, though, once you've made all the corrections that I've suggested above (not just for the parts I looked at, but also for those I have not yet seen), then you can resubmit it and I'll give it another go-over. The fewer times I have to stop and think, the more fic I can actually get through.

Total: 11.5/20

(Weighted: 14.5/25)

Final Thoughts:

There's no disputing that this was a long fic. You said that you'd had it reviewed a few times before, so I was mainly expecting a thoroughly polished story that only needed a few more pokes and prods at characters and maybe a bit of awkward wording. But you've definitely got your work cut out for you. I only looked at the prereader's comments after finishing this review, and I've noted that he had a lot of the same points that I did. If you still need help with specific issues, or don't understand something, then you can email me at [email protected]

I suggest you make sure you've got everything in tip-top condition before submitting again—once you've done that, I'll be more than happy to take another look.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Suggested?: Eenope.

Best of luck!
Golden Vision


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0

Note: Feel free to sign up for my upcoming Livestream Writers' Workshop, this Wednesday at 3:30 PM EST!
Thread: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/101201.html
Channel: http://www.livestream.com/goldenvisionswritersworkshop
>> No. 101247
Thanks. I'll take your considerations in.
>> No. 101318
File 133637461886.jpg - (8.21KB , 100x100 , mouse.jpg )
"To Make a Souffle, You Need to break a Few Eggs."
Nuki Mouse
[Comedy] [Slice of Life]
Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie.

Rainbow Dash was just looking for a nice easy day off enjoying her favorite pastime, cloud napping, when she got wrangled into cooking a dessert for Twilight’s dinner party.
Unfortunately not only can Dash not cook, but she has no idea what a souffle even is.

When the only pony Dash can turned to for help is Pinkie Pie, will either her sanity or body survive Pinkie’s aid?

On Google Docs, 4170 words

This is my third major rewrite and I hope to be my last. Minty Rest has been proofreading for me mainly for plot holes and characterization and been very helpfull. However you also helped my in the past I hope you might read this and advise me if its good enough for EQD, and/or what is still bad about it.

Thanks, nuki Mouse
>> No. 101326
Okay,this one's really short <b>and</b> a one-shot,so I don't think I should bother you with it...
...but I really want to get people's opinions on it!Gah,paradox!
Anyway,here it is: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/12852/Apple-Family-Traditions

Apple Family Traditions
by Warhammer of Fillyhoo
[Slice of Life]
Characters: Applejack

Time passes.Little by little,everything changes.But... does everypony change?

Lenght: 1002 words

Also,I'd like to show my kudos to you for even doing something like this. It's amazing that people want to dedicate their time for this sort of thing, and I'm sure you're making a lot of people feel better about themselves.
(what's this?Ass-kissing?I have no idea what you're talking about,haha...
*throws smoke bomb and runs away*)
>> No. 101385
File 133642766010.png - (219.62KB , 500x284 , tumblr_m2ueslKOQN1qcwakmo2_500.png )
Commentary on the GDoc! Let's get started, hm?


Characters: 1.5/5
I somewhat liked the Octavia/Vinyl dynamic, stereotypical as it may be. The problem was that you flanderized their characters far too much—I didn't really see anything of Octavia's personality aside from snobbishness, and Vinyl's "crush" felt forced. The Doctor felt out of character for most of it ("Dearie"? Really?), and the villains were cheesy and overdramatic—but not in the good Doctor Who way. I really felt like there was no depth to any of their personalities. You need to spend more time developing them and making them feel like real people—er, ponies.

Plot: 2/5
It's interesting—the time travel angle, at least. But you didn't pull it off, even slightly. I didn't know what was going on, found the whole thing shaky as heck, and found most, if not all, of the scenes too short to give me any real feel for what was actually going on. You need to put a lot more effort into fleshing them out, as well as put a bit more thought into what is actually going on at each moment. When the TARDIS landed on the changeling (I think?), I had no idea what was going on.

At all.

Setting: 2/5
You occasionally did a good job with body language, so I'm not giving you a "1" here. However, the Show Don't Tell was really quite awful—I marked a few, but definitely not all of the instances down in the GDoc. So fix that.

Mechanics: 2/5
I'm sorry to say that the best I can give you hear is that you know how to spell. The grammar was really bad throughout (especially in terms of punctuation—you need a crash course in dialogue punctuation), you used too many ellipses, and your thoughts need to be italicized and not within quotation marks. There were also far too many instances where your sentences were awkward or cluttered. I pointed them out, but there were many more that I didn't comment on specifically.

Originality: 2/5
I could see where you were going with this (kind of), so I suppose it wasn't all that bad. Still, the Chrysalis sister(?) comes out of nowhere, and has very little supporting her. You need to put more effort into pulling this idea off at the moment than into thinking of new possibilities.

[u]Total: 9.5/25

Final Thoughts
…I'll just tell you tomorrow morning. (Blame my laziness and giant to-do list)

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Suggested?: Ehhhhhh.

Best of luck!
Golden Vision


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0

Note: Feel free to sign up for my upcoming Livestream Writers' Workshop, this Wednesday at 3:30 PM EST!
Thread: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/101201.html
Channel: http://www.livestream.com/goldenvisionswritersworkshop
>> No. 101388
File 133643050670.jpg - (8.21KB , 100x100 , mouse.jpg )
Golden Vision, I don’t know the protocol about reviewing stories submitted to a review board by someone other than the OP. If this was wrongor you don't like it, I’ll delete this post. It is just that I recognised the story and felt the need to comment on it.

Okay, first off since there was a comment to your story about it on FIM, leave the disclaimer alone. It’s not being a toady or bowing down to SOPA, it’s common courtesy and acknowledgment of of use by you of another’s copyrighted property. Some authors DO NOT like fanfiction and can and DO sue sites, mailing lists, or fanfic writers about them. Anne Rice, Mercedes Lackey, Andre Norton, Terry Goodkind, Raymond Feist, among others have done this. This is also true for companies, like Archie Comics that fight against certain Archie fanworks.

Acknowledgment of copyright owners and assurance of non-profit use goes a long way towards placating possibly irate owners of these copyrights.

Under existing and enforceable US and International laws dating back for decades, and having NOTHING to do with SOPA or ACTA, Hasbro COULD, if they decided to, sue and close down all MLP fanfic sites and archives if they wanted to. Like most companies and authors though, they tolerate fanfiction as free advertising and appeasement of their loyal fans.

Okay I get off my soapbox and comment about your story.

You have 250 views on FIM, yet only 10 readers gave you a thumbs up/down, and three of them were down. Some of that is the vagueness of AJ’s aging, it's a little too vague on the immortality issue. I’m not saying you should come right out and say “AJ’s immortal” but a few more clues would help flesh out the story.

The other main reason is it’s stagnant, years/decades in the future and AJ’s day consists of doing chores about the farm? Applebloom still lives at home? Rarity still lives at Carousel Boutique, and Spike still pines after her? Fluttershy may have made a nature reserve out of the Everfree Forest, but it was already basically a nature reserve in the series? Twilight too seems to still be living in Ponyville since Spike is still there, and Dash and Pinkie are ...nowhere? Or are they so unimportant to AJ that she wouldn’t think of them when reminiscing about the past?

I know the “idea” is that AJ doesn’t change much, but what about every other pony?

This vagueness, stagnation, and lack of ANY true character or plot development is boring. It’s NICE, and somewhat heartwarming but still boring. It even takes away IMO the remorse of AJ outliving her family members, give the story an over all “oh, hum... another day nothing ever changes” feel to your story.

Given the years there should be SOME growth. Pinkie being the mayor or a civic leader, AJ RUNNING the farm, not just doing chores. Her and/or Applebloom getting married and having foals. For that matter the foals or spouses of any other Elements holders.

Hints of others fulfilling their dreams, like Rarity being a famous Canterlot fashion designer or marrying a Prince. Dash being a Wonderbolt, Twilight finishing her studies, ect....

Even if you did leave AJ absolutely stagnant in development or change, by showing the others greatly changing or fulfilling their potential will only heighten the fact AJ hasn’t changed at all.

I’m not saying that all of that should be in your story, yet just the addition of a few of them would get rid of that feeling of stagnation and make the passage of time (and perhaps leaving AJ behind stuck in the past) more poignant thus increasing emotional impact of your overall plot.

While the actual prose is decent, and the sentence structure okay, THE MANY TIMES YOU FORGET TO PLACE A SPACE AFTER A PERIOD OR COMMA IS HORRENDOUS!

Are you that lazy or weak that you can’t push the space bar? Another commenter on your story at FIM also noted this any your answer was (IMO) “so what, too bad if detracted from your reading, no one commands me!” And it is sheer laziness. Here you are asking for proofreading and your too lazy to correct errors you KNOW about. BTW, FIM has an edit function for all published stories, 5 minutes and you can correct those space errors, that is if it doesn’t take too much time away from you doing the “safety dance.”

Overall, I LIKED your story and one of your "thumbs up" on FIM was from me, but it could be so much better.
>> No. 101389
Goodness. I don't have any specific objections to this myself—seems like you put some thought into your review (which is nice). Of course, if the author still wants me to take a look, then I gladly will.

>> No. 101390
It is my understanding that the basic gospel here is that unless there is an specific objection to it, anyone and everyone can review anything as long as they make it clear who they are.
>> No. 101393

Thanks for the review. The story is mostly meant to be a twilight-zone style vehicle for a twist ending. The truth of the ending is revealed in my response to your last comment on the gdoc. I do want to keep it a secret in case after I clean it up a bit it gets posted somewhere important. If you have any comments once I reveal the truth, please send them to me in email or on the gdoc.

I'll work on the other issues you mentioned as well. Thank you.
>> No. 101396
File 133643481235.png - (1.74MB , 1920x1080 , call_of_cutie__black_clops_by_speccysy-d3c7jtv.png )
Huzzah! I'm (nearly) entirely caught up on my queue! Excellent.


PS: I couldn't find an image that I thought fit, so have a chicken with a gun instead.


>Even when I’m locked in the cells with nowhere to run, the Warden never removes them.
Tense confusion, as up to this point, you've been in past tense.

>similarly-constructed restraint,
You've already said that something was "restrained." Try to find a different word.

>I really, really want all these bloody things off,
Tense confusion again. Pick one and stick with it.

>Usually we do simple recon and sometimes infiltration, but out of the blue, I was reassigned temporarily to guard duty. That doomed me, I might add.
This is too sudden. You need a better transition for the shift in narrative.

>About 4 days ago,
You're supposed to write out any number under one hundred.

(Technically, it's any number under ten, but I have my preferences, and it really just looks neater.)

>Also about 4 days ago,
This is too repetitious. Just say "At about the same time,"

>a ‘mysterious’ Valkyrie that was equipped with a number of arcane items like a Stealth Amulet that could turn me completely invisible to pony eyes and magical senses short of a high-powered seer spell for a short while, a Rapier enchanted to be infinitely sharp enough to cut through steel, a number of non-lethal ranged weapons, and a little remote-viewing golem, not to mention being on duty at the time, I was a prime suspect.

FAAAAAAR too much description.

Do we need to know this much?

How can you give him this much without having him earn it on-screen? (While avoiding Suedom, that is).

Is this even plausible?

I mean, sure you say that there was "incriminating" evidence, but I see nothing—I just have your word for it. Even the prosecutor at the trial seems to have no idea of what it might be other than "lack of an alibi."

Whu—? I have no idea what this means. Maybe the ellipses are a typo?

>Until it came time for the actual trial yesterday.
Why can't you just show us the trial—oh, wait, you do.

Except I'm not sure what the difference between a hearing and a trial is. It seems like you're telling us about the same event twice.

>this rather… attractive stallion
You're being weirdly inconsistent with Sword's characterization. Is she flirty? Or dark and gritty? Or perhaps sad and angsty, or just rude and loudmouthed? Pick something, and let the narration reflect that.

>“While your service record in Their Majesties’ Royal Guard
The dialogue following this is a huuuuge text block. Break it up; add in some body language. Make it not so unreadable.

>Wasn’t my fault, but if it’s all the same, I’m sorry.
Your OC is being very passive-agressive here (and throughout). It's making it difficult either to get a good feel for her, and in fact to like her at all.

>Well, the months went by and I felt like a bird in a cage,
This is very rushed. Give us scenes of what's going on in prison—not just lead-up to a scene that never comes.


Characters: 2/5
Your OC was, as I said above, both passive-agressive and fairly inconsistent. By the end of it, I had pretty much no ability to predict what she would do in a given situation (which is, ideally, what you want the reader to be able to do by the end of the first five hundred words, let alone the first thousand.) Every other character (the prosecutor, the warden, Shining Armor) felt to me as flat as a piece of cardboard. You need to give them more emotional depth if you want me to care about them, even if they are just bit characters.

Plot: 2/5
You haven't really done much here. You've got an idea in your head, certainly, but you definitely need more work in putting it onto paper (or GoogleDocs, as it were). I need to see more of the actual plot, and that means scenes. As it is, much of what I see is just first person narration, which is nice, but is definitely not enough. Maybe I should have put this under Characters, but I'm going to say it here: when you're writing a story, first person narration isn't enough. You also need a full and engaging plot that introduces the reader to the story, and makes it engaging. Yours doesn't really do that. I'd recommend that you do more to make us see events of the story, especially the time in prison. Perhaps make the warden sympathetic and have the first chapter be Sword telling him her story?

Setting: 3/5
You did a nice job with scene description. However, the most I saw in terms of "body language" was you describing what a pony wanted to say—in short, cluttered, unneeded, Show Don't Tell. Because of that, you were missing a vital opportunity to make us see your characters three-dimensionally. Don't say things like "I so eloquently said," or—

Actually, no. You can say these things in a first-person fic, but only if you make them seem non-cluttered, and only use them occasionally. You used something like this nearly every other line of dialogue. Don't. A personal narrative can use simple words like "said", you know. To spice it up, body language is more the ideal tool to use.

Mechanics: 4/5
You would have done well here except for your inability to pick one tense and stick with it. This is an easy fix, so I don't expect to see it again if you choose to resubmit.

Originality: 3/5
I thought that this was interesting when I first saw the synopsis. A pony Black Ops—Celestia's MIB, perhaps? But you gave me way too little to really form a good opinion, and I couldn't see a clear direction in your story, not even "clear Sword's name." I actually kind of liked the prospect of reviewing such a short story, but I soon realized that it was because you haven't fleshed the scenes and story out near enough as it should be.

[u]Total: 14/25

Final Thoughts:
I'm not sure how I feel about this fic, mostly because there wasn't much to think about. It was a bit short (obviously). The character portions needed a boost too—first person is hard, and I'm not letting you get through it without a consistent characterization.

Maybe this will turn out interesting. We'll see—feel free to resubmit when you have a bit more, and have fleshed out the scenes that I pointed to.

Ready for EqD?: No
Rewrite Recommended?: Eh. Not really, but kinda (Wow, I'm wishy washy today).

Best of luck!
Golden Vision


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0

Note: Feel free to sign up for my upcoming Livestream Writers' Workshop, this Wednesday at 3:30 PM EST!
Thread: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/101201.html
Channel: >>101106">http://www.livestream.com/goldenvisionswritersworkshop>>101106
>> No. 101458
Well that was... honest. Brutal, but honest. Thank you for not sugarcoating it.

The whole “oh, hum... another day nothing ever changes” thing was an attempt to imply that Applejack has already gotten over the pain of outliving her family. She's already processed that, and is able to move on and live just as she usually would. I didn't want to write a sadfic where AJ angsts about her immortality, but rather to create an atmosphere of peace and tranquility. I guess it all made sense in my head.
And I never said Applejack doesn't run the farm. Maybe she does. But Applejack doesn't strike me as the kind of farm runner who'd just do paperwork all day long. She'd want to be involved in the work itself. Again, made sense in my head, probably should've explained more of it.
As for character development, I admit I have no idea how to write it. This story was never meant to be heavy on character development anyway, but I see now that it couldn't have hurt.

All in all, I appreciate your criticism. Although I'm still pretty satisfied with Apple Family Traditions as it is (story-wise,of course) I'll try to keep your hints in mind,should I ever choose to write another story.

I still feel the need to correct some things about your comment. Try to bear with me.

<b>While the actual prose is decent, and the sentence structure okay, THE MANY TIMES YOU FORGET TO PLACE A SPACE AFTER A PERIOD OR COMMA IS HORRENDOUS!</b>

I had fixed most of those before you commented on it,but I must've forgotten some. My bad. I tried to get them all this time around.

<b>Are you that lazy or weak that you can’t push the space bar? Another commenter on your story at FIM also noted this any your answer was (IMO) “so what, too bad if detracted from your reading, no one commands me!” </b>

About that... I started to correct them as soon as I made that comment. It was my first attempt at not only writing fanfiction,but actual prose,so I didn't know about the whole "spaces after commas" thing. It was the first time anyone's commented to me about it, and I was
I probably should've mentioned that I'll correct the mistakes, but I forgot.

<b>And it is sheer laziness. Here you are asking for proofreading and your too lazy to correct errors you KNOW about. BTW, FIM has an edit function for all published stories, 5 minutes and you can correct those space errors, that is if it doesn’t take too much time away from you doing the “safety dance.”</b>

And about that whole "you can't command me" bit?
That was a joke. I was responding to a previous commander saying "Stalin commands to dance!"
I did not mean to come across as vain or bitchy or anything like that.
>> No. 101466
Oh, and thanks for the thumbs-up. It's very much appreciated.

Also, I changed the synopsis of Apple Family Traditions to something more fitting:
"Time passes. Little by little, the world around us changes. But... does everything have to change?"

I was sort of in a rush when I wrote that last comment and if there's something offending there, it wasn't intended and I apologize in advance.I truly appreciate that you took the time to criticize my story, as well as your honesty.
>> No. 101484
Yay, I'm up. I could use some good news right now GV. Be honest, but I could use a Smile Smile Smile.
>> No. 101545
File 133650949540.jpg - (8.21KB , 100x100 , mouse.jpg )
That whole laziness part was way more harsh then I meant it to be. But it did touch on some pet peeves of mine.

While fairly new to MLP fanfic world, I've written and proodread before in other fan communities.

While acting as a proofreader, too many writers expected me to be more their editor and ghost writer. I or another proofreader would point out their errors, but they wouldn't correct them, expecting their proofreaders to do it for them. That got very annoying very quickly.

The other peeve was this weird idea some writers had that once their story was placed on a fansite or archived at FF.net or similar site, that they both couldn't or wouldn't change them. They still wanted comments (positive only) but got upset if you pointed out errors, even glaring story wrecking ones.

One last peeve, that doesn't really have anything to do with your reaction, is the idea of wanting good reviews only, and actually posting in their story or summery "No Flames Allowed."

While no one likes a comment that is just "U Suck," I learn more and appreciate critical reviews far more the reviews that say nothing more then "I Liked It." I like others pointing out plotholes or OOC behavior with out a reason, or making suggestions for improvement.

I ask forgiveness for being so snarky, I didn't know you been working to correct the problem.
Plus some of it was trying to be a little humorous.

BTW I did get the idea AJ's "just another day" atitude was due to her accepting her immortality, but it made her seem too cold and detached. AJ can still reflect on her friends and family without being angsty, she just thinks about the good things that happen and not them growing old, growing apart, or dying.

That whole thing about AJ not seeming to run the farm was due to her still doing chores and taking orders from Applebloom. Yes I realize it was meant to be playfull banter between them, but it still does make AJ sound like just a farm hand. If you reverse it, and had AJ ordering around the obviously much older mare (that seems to be Granny Smith at this point) and have Applebloom tease her back about taking orders from young whiper-snapers and to mind her elders. This would both show AJ was in charge and still have a playfull relationship with her sister, plus that both AJ and Applebloom had accepted AJ's long life.
>> No. 101550
File 133651118539.jpg - (85.06KB , 700x525 , fantasy_art_scenery_wallpaper_ognian_bonev_03.jpg )
Title: Wings of Tomorrow ~ Lament of the World
Author Name: Keeper of Jericho
Tags: Adventure, Alternate Timeline, Steampunk
Characters: Fluttershy (the star), other Mane Six, Celestia, some OCs and a lot of others.
Synopsis: One day, Fluttershy wakes up only to find herself in a changed world. Ponyville and Equestria are not how she remembers them: airships cross the sky, steam-powered machinery drives the economy and the rule of Celestia is no more. In this strange alternate world, Fluttershy reunites with her dear friends and learns of the event that changed history itself. Worse, the timid Pegasus seems to have arrived just in time to witness the rapidly approaching climax of a civil war that has been raging for three hundred years.
Length: 35.480 words currently (8 chapters, roughly 4000 words per chapter). In progress.

I sent this to EqD, but got rejected. They suggested that I'd have someone over here take a look at it, and you appeared to be the best choice for a good review.

Just one warning: if you have questions after chapter 1, that's *normal*. The story isn't finished, I'm revealing and answering questions brought up by early chapters as I go. But I still wanted to get an opinion on the story so far.
>> No. 101557
I'm afraid I can't review your story unless you provide me with a link. GDocs preferably, please.
>> No. 101558
Title: Sweetie Belle's Social Studies Assignment
Author Name: Flutterdude
Tags: [Random]
Characters: Vinyl Scratch
Synopsis: Sweetie Belle writes an article on Vinyl Scratch/DJ Pon3 for her social studies class.
Length: One-shot, too lazy to figure out the word count

Linkity-link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nc4sFP5QWay5M_2yqtBQkzGg11hKh-wJ29bxk7W83KY/edit#

This one-shot is rather experimental, so don't be surprised if it takes a while to get used to it. I just wrote this over the course of four hours a few days ago on a whim and have edited it consistantly since then. Just wondering what you think of it.
>> No. 101564
It occurred to me that one can't review if he's not given a link to the story. Terrible oversight on my part. My apologies.

>> No. 101572
Goodness! You've been busy. I actually do indeed have good news—I think this chapter was one of your best yet. I liked the character of Lickety, felt that each of the Mane Six present were in-character, and felt that the events all unfolded in a very believable manner. Most of my comments are on the GDoc, and I must say that you've definitely done a great job cleaning up on SDT. There were a few instances of both that and LUS that you need to fix, though, but they were mainly isolated incidents.

I do think you need to do more to establish the original setting, give more characterization to the foals than "jeering crowd," and perhaps even give Fluttershy some screentime (it is her house, after all.). And don't forget to make RD and Big Mac's relationship obvious from the second it's brought up. I had to reread that part a few times over which, next to the "foal teasing" scene, made that the most unreadable bit (which is actually still relatively good).

Keep this up, and you'll be on EqD in no time!

...Oh, and fix the sentences where you didn't have any verbs. I like to think that those were just typos, though, so I know you can deal with it.

Just a few more edits, I think, and then you should be ready for resubmission!

Golden Vision

(*goes back to watching Pinkie Sparrow*)


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0

Note: Feel free to sign up for my upcoming Livestream Writers' Workshop, this Wednesday at 3:30 PM EST!
Thread: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/101201.html
Channel: http://www.livestream.com/goldenvisionswritersworkshop
>> No. 101651
Water under the bridge, my man. What does not kill me makes me stronger, and in this case a better writer (hopefully).

Also, I hope I wasn't being too demanding. I wasn't trying to ask anyone to be my editor, or to fix any problems for me. I just thought it'd be cool to get some outside opinions on my first story, that's all. Thanks for pointing out the grammar errors, I really appreciate it.

I see where you're coming from with that second pet peeve, but as I said I'm still pretty satisfied with the story as it is. You've given me some really good ideas for if I ever do want to change it, though. Thank you.

>>101389 Oh, and GV, I know NukiMouse already gave his two cents, but I'd be really grateful for anything you can spare.
>> No. 101685
I'm looking over your fic, and I think that Nuki gave you enough to work with. Try revising what he's given you first, and then I'll gladly take a resubmission.
>> No. 101686
Hi Nuki! I'll get to your review as soon as you leave comments enabled in the GDoc.
>> No. 101717
File 133659320129.jpg - (8.21KB , 100x100 , mouse.jpg )

Sorry about that, I really thought I enabled comments. This has been done now.

I am looking forwars to your review
>> No. 101732
Title: A Changing Performance

Author: Khakispony

Tags:(Slice of Life)

Characters: Chrysalis, Trixie

Synopsis:After being captured, and losing much of her abilities, Chrysalis tries to find a part in Equestrian society where she can get the love she needs. When Trixie offers her a chance to be part of her act, and earn the adoration of ponies everywhere, she is more than happy to accept.


Comments: Have had it pre-read twice now and am looking at a third to see if my fixes worked out. A third set of eyes will also be beneficial. Comments are enabled and I kept the ones from my previous pre-reader that I'm not sure I fixed or disagree with up
>> No. 101781
File 133661667101.png - (624.05KB , 1088x786 , stormy-dash.png )
TITLE: Rainbow Typhoon
AUTHOR: Nonsanity
TAGS: Adventure
CHARACTERS: Rainbow Dash, Wonderbolts, Mane Six

SYNOPSIS: Sometimes reckless, often daring, always loyal, Rainbow Dash's one goal in life is to become a Wonderbolt. With a little help from a storm, her fondest wish is about to come true. But not all weather in Equestria can be controlled, and the plans of a brave little pegasus mean nothing to a hurricane.

Chapter 1 - The Big Break (2,737)
Chapter 2 - Getting on Track (4,278)
Chapter 3 - A Cut Above (2,933)
Chapter 4 - Rail Danger (3,476)
Chapter 5 - A Bridge Not Far Enough (3,252)
Chapter 6 - Bobbing for Apples (3,916)

GDOC: http://tinyurl.com/rainbowtyphoon
FIMF: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22148/Rainbow-Typhoon

This story is written in third person limited present tense. Chapter 1 is slightly less limited than the others.
>> No. 101788
File 133662024827.jpg - (9.14KB , 218x231 , facehoof.jpg )
Was in a rush to get to work and forgot about the length. The chapter is a prologue which is as of this writing 3047 words long. Sorry about that.
>> No. 101817
Oops. I thought I had already made the request for my story a while back, but this evening when I did a search I couldn't find it.

I forgot that I used the submit form instead of posting it to the thread. So my posting to the list today was unnecessary. :D
>> No. 101876


Sometimes, you can't help who you fall for. With the best young flier competition not too far away, Dash begins getting distracted with frequent visits to the Ponyville Library.

Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash

~9,500 words

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/17EAr1HfqsHfvN0zHYaLq740gXNue2zsOFPlfMfuQSyY/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1m3xGRYJ_-WvxEvCOg2Uc2eGUbnjaT1Jphio6I_L49qg/edit
Chapter 3: Will reply with a link once I finish editing it up.

Although it's a little bit over your recommended word count, it shouldn't be too rough to edit.
>> No. 101894
I really suck at this don't I? Forgot to put in the queue until now. Problem was, I didn't need to put it in because someone was kind enough to do it for me. Please delete the first instance of my story from the queue.
>> No. 101900
File 133668991153.jpg - (245.32KB , 987x1000 , 7124e10e819b0255e2cce316fced350d.jpg )
Hello there, and welcome to your review! It took me a bit longer than I expected to get through this, for reasons that will become apparent below. I'd like to preemptively apologize if I came across as rude or overly harsh, either on the GDoc comments or below; I really do honestly want to help. That said, brace yourself—a blunt review is coming.


Characters: 2.5/5
The most I can say here is that you gave Pinkie and Dash some IC dialogue. Otherwise, I really didn't get a feel at all for why Dash was doing this whole soufflé thing (though that may have been an issue with Plot; see below). Your characters really just felt…flat to me. There was nothing bad or necessarily OOC (though I definitely did NOT appreciate the random "wingboner humor" halfway through, as it was both gratuitous and nonsensical), but it really felt as though i weren't looking at the real Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie.

I actually feel really weird (and kinda bad) about this, because I can't pinpoint what the absolute problem was. Their dialogue just felt really forced, and Pinkie especially felt like a caricature of herself.

Plot: 1/5
I truly did not get anything out of this. This was pitched to me as, basically "Pinkie's Cupcakes song, but with RD replacing AB and generally more shenanigans." But instead I got…

…I'm not sure.

Most of this chapter was just random bantering between Dash and Pinkie which, though interesting in its place lent really nothing to this as a story. I didn't ever really know what was going on, or why. If you need to change your synopsis or your story's outline in order to make one fit the other better, then do so (I'd recommend the latter). But I really couldn't see any point to this.

Setting: 1/5
If there were any one thing as bad as the plot, it was the setting. There was little to no description of the scenes, the character PoV switched back and forth like some kind of rattle and the SDT levels were off the charts. Your LUS was quite horrible as well. Cut out the thoughts, give us more dialogue (also related to Characters), body language, scene introduction (would it kill you to make this all more than one scene?), and so on.

I'm not sure if there's much more to be said here. You clearly have a lot of work to do.

Mechanics: 2/5
Yeurgh. This was bad. Many, many typos; cluttered and awkward sentences; and horribly excessive caps lock. I would suggest that you proofread thoroughly before submitting for a review—this was nearly unreadable in places. Your biggest issue, though, was the cluttered/awkward sentences. Try reading your fic out loud—you'll notice that you stumble in quite a few areas.

Originality: 1.5/5
This was a [Comedy], no? With that said, I didn't really find this funny. Throughout, it really seemed as though you were trying too hard (though at least you didn't reference any memes or have Pinkie break the fourth wall). Even the punchline, the most important piece of any humor oneshot, was extremely lacking. In terms of enjoyability, this as a whole was quite low.

Total: 8/25

Final Thoughts:

I feel bad saying this, but I was honestly surprised when I reread your post and found that this had been edited three times before. It's entirely possible that you gave me the wrong link (to an earlier draft of this story), though unlikely. I really do want to help you with this, so I hope you'll at least consider my suggestions (of which there were many). And remember, as I said in the GDoc, I didn't point out every single problem or mistake—just the general trends. So give your own work a good long look before even thinking about submitting it again. Your writing will look all the better for it.

Ready for EqD?: Certainly not (sorry).
Rewrite Recommended?: Very much yes.

Feel free to email me if you have any questions or comments.

Best of luck,
Golden Vision
>> No. 101916
File 133669534578.jpg - (685.79KB , 985x1199 , e43693beb67a1ee0f386abd3d5af3bb6.jpg )
Have a review! As always, comments (for the first two chapters, I believe?) are on the GDoc.

(Please note that this was submitted to the form before being posted about; my next fic should be marked on the queue spreadsheet.)


Characters: 3/5
There were exactly three things that I liked about your characters: That cool old janitor guy with Dash's uniform, Dash's thoughts about her friends, and Soarin'.

God, I loved Soarin'.

But then again, even he got to be wildly inconsistent whenever you have someone else share the stage. He'd either get shoved off to the side, losing his potential as the voice of comedic reason, or else become just another voice in the crowd. I also mentioned my dislike for the whole "Dash is jealous of Soarin'" plot several times, for the simple reason that it was unfounded, not really introduced, and solved just as quickly as it came in. It damaged my view of Rainbow Dash, and made her less of a likable character in my eyes. The fact that you introduced their entire mutual backstory in a page of block text didn't help either.

Also, Spitfire was a bitch. An unreasonable, irritating, bitch. I usually like the Wonderbolts, but she, I did NOT like.

My advice? Try to draw out exactly what you want your characters to be like, and how you want them to develop. Make sure they both stand out, and are likable. In any scene where more than two or three ponies were together, characterization and variety were nearly completely absent.

Plot: 2.5/5
I thought this plot was interesting, and I may even have read on had I not known that there would be even more to read through that I'd already noted was incorrect. (Sue me; I'm lazy) But the JealousDash plot tumor really irritated me, and the way she became a Wonderbolt made little to no sense. You nearly kill one team member, and you get a free position? Seems legit. Of course, I doubt this would be the case in real-life sports, even if the person involved was both good at said sport and had taken out any backup members, so…yeah.

Make it work.

(Oh, and also, the occasional Dashin' shipping hints confused me, and came out of nowhere. Get rid of them).

Setting: 2/5
For the most part, you were okay. It wasn't bad enough so that it was unreadable, but there were a lot of places where you could have improved, such as SDT, body language, and the occasional LUS. But the biggest turn-off for me was the tense.

The present tense, to be exact.

Usually, an author uses present tense when trying to exact a certain amount of emotion or tension in the reader. Your narrative required neither. It was a story, and not a bad one, but it really didn't fit the tense. Make it third-person limited past tense, please, in order to allow it to flow normally, and to give us more of Dash's character.

Your pacing also needed work. Things would just happen, one after the other (Dash talking with the others; Dash getting her uniform), and it all seemed to come on a bit too fast. You need to work on your transitioning more.

Mechanics: 4.5/5
Good job here. Just the occasional typo or misused punctuation.

Originality: 3.5/5
Maybe it's the fact that I don't read many Dash fics, but I can't say I've come across a fic where Dash has to face adversity from the start, and from Spitfire no less. I think it was definitely readable, which was a plus, but you could have done more with developing the other Wonderbolts and their interactions with Dash. Thus far, it seems to be mostly about the characters, so you've got to make sure you get that right on the nose.

[u]Total: 15.5/25

Final Thoughts:

I actually think I could seriously enjoy this fic if you polished it up and cleaned away the weird character dynamics (Dash vs. Spitfire/Soarin'). You've got some work ahead of you, but this fic's definitely not irreparable. I just want to note that, for all I know, the plot's wonderful or a complete flop. The fact that you submitted 20k words showcases my point; I only read the first 7k (as my OP says). Had there been fewer technical and character mistakes, I probably would have kept reading. That's your first objective, then—make any issues so small that a reader's enjoyment of the fic isn't disturbed in the slightest by noticing them.

Ready for EqD?: No.
Rewrite Recommended?: In places (should be obvious)

Best of luck!
-Golden Vision


My Queue: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/ccc?key=0AupeHFFQq6JUdGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc#gid=0

Submission Form: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dGNHYThzdGVHQWc3ZjhSRmpmWjlmUnc6MQ#gid=0
>> No. 101997
File 133675974794.jpg - (158.67KB , 800x654 , dash_and_soarin___commission_by_shinepawpony-d4w3i8r.jpg )
Thanks for the review. I think it's helped me decide to do what I should have done some time ago: trash chapter one and re-imagine the events leading up to the rest. My first fiction in twenty years, it took me a few chapters to ramp up my game. It’s time to drop my false start and use what I've learned to improve it.

The GDoc link has moved to preserve the comments while I make changes to the original. The link to the version with your comments is in the reviewer notes at the top of the main document. This seemed like a great way to preserve the history. (Download the file as a .doc then upload it back to GDocs.)

Glad you like Dash's inner thoughts, since that's the focus of the whole story. Glad you liked Quartermane too - he came out of nowhere and surprised me while writing. And you aren't the first to say you loved this rendition of Soarin, which tickles me to no end. I'm now encouraged to do far more with him in my re-write of chapters 1 and 2. (Well, fresh start of 1 and re-write of 2, to be specific.) I'll make sure he doesn't fade into the background, too. Some of the other Wonderbolts don't even need to be there if I give him more to do.

Spitfire... I made some responses to your comments in the GDoc, but now that I've thought about it overnight (didn't sleep much/well) I think I did overdo her Sergeant Meany-Pants moment. My goal was to shake up Dash real hard just as she's at her highest emotional point, and being late and getting chewed out seemed the perfect way to do that. It does make Spitfire unlikable, and even confusing when she then goes from cordial to downright comforting in her next two interactions with Dash. I need to either change the source of Dash's distress to some throw-away character you don't want to like, better support Spitfire's angle so you don't hate her, or find some other way to pop Dash's bubble. I'll think on it.

Again, I made comments about some of this in the GDoc, but based on my new decision to throw out chapter 1, I'm not arguing with you. The plot in the later chapters is utterly different from chapters 1 and 2. Those two need to be less intro and setup and more engaging and believable.

I could possibly FIX what's there by better explaining and leading into the events. Dash has applied to the Wonderbolts, they know her, and she’s even saved some of their lives. She's probably top of their list of candidates. So when one of their teammates is injured, but saved from further injury by Dash, and she's there, and she knows the routine, and they have a show tomorrow... It makes sense that she should be taken on.

BUT. That doesn't come through in the story as it is, and it's probably just too damn complicated to explain all that and still keep the action moving. She needs to be made a temporary Wonderbolt, and she needs to screw up in some way. But I can come up with a much better first chapter that handles that than what I've got now. I tried to throw it all together in one shot, and muddled it beyond believability.

The shipping signals... The original inspiration for this story was the attached picture. Dash looks so OOC there, soft and girly. I got to wondering what it would take to make her comfortable enough to let her tough bravado down. Love by itself wouldn't be enough. If canon Dash had a crush, she'd probably be rather schoolyard-rude to the guy. She wouldn't let herself be mushy, and so would overcompensate - as she's prone to do - and be a bit callous, or at least aloof.

The story formed as an attempt to break her down and let her pull herself back together - learning and growing emotionally stronger in the process - again and again in increasing blows to her self-image. I wanted to toughen up her insides, mature her, so that she could let herself be a bit soft on the outside without feeling like she's ALL soft. Turn her tough exoskeleton into an endoskeleton. :)

No relationship would form in the story itself, but the last scene may suggest it. Not quite getting to that picture, but setting things up so that that could very well be what happened next. So there would be suggestions of shipping, but no actual shipping. I had the tag on there at one time, but removed it.

I haven't decided if I want to remove that element from the story completely or not. I can certainly do it better, though.

>Usually, an author uses present tense when trying to exact a certain amount of emotion or tension in the reader.
Pop into the middle of chapter 4 or 5. Hopefully, you can see that I chose present tense exactly for the reason you state above. The problem is, chapters 1 and 2 hardly take advantage of that, particularly the opening scenes when it sets the tone for the whole story. I think I use it to good effect in those later chapters, and want to do that in my re-write. I've been told more than once that the story gets better as it goes, probably because of this better use of the tense.

I've had so few reviews of the later chapters, however, that I'm not sure if I'm right about this. :(

The fist chapters are also worse in the show-don't-tell department. Hopefully the later chapters are actually GOOD, and not just better at this. Again, I don't really know.

Pacing. Yes, the beginning is bogged down with infodumps and flat dialog exchanges and it rushes past obvious places where Dash can have fun and enjoyable interactions with other characters. It's an Adventure though, and I don't want it to stagnate early on into a fireside chat. There's a middle ground there that I have to find. I think the goal will be to focus on fewer scenes and make them far more engaging. Once she's off on her own with nothing but the elements and her thoughts, the pace can change. (That is, if the pace of the later chapters is GOOD, which I haven't heard from a picky reviewer yet - assuming the reviewers that liked the later chapters weren’t as picky as they could have been.)

>Good job here. Just the occasional typo or misused punctuation.
Would you believe that I had about 60 grammatical fixes ready to drop into chapter 1 about the time that you were finishing your review? Missed it by THAT much!

>>Final Thoughts
>Had there been fewer technical and character mistakes, I probably would have kept reading.
DEFINITELY my main problem and why I want to re-imagine the beginning. Anyone I know that's made it to chapter 3 continues to the end in one go. GETTING them to chapter 3 is my number one goal now.

Thanks for the great review, Golden. If you have a moment, it would help me a lot if you could stick your head into one of the later chapters and just read a few paragraphs. Give me a thumbs up if that's what I should do with the beginning. If the rest is no good too, I may just have to turn down my personal expectations as a writer overall. :)
>> No. 102013
Hey, GV! Don't know I'd you for my email, but I'd like to toss my first chapter in the queue. I think it has major SDT issues, and I need help.

Author: Jake The Army Guy
Tags: Dark, HiE
Synopsis: Albert Pomeroy is a psychopath who has been terrorizing Houston for the past two years. Now, he finds his was into Equestria, a world that has not known violence like his in centuries. Hot on his heels is Detective Robert Barlow, who is determined to stop this mad man no matter what the cost. As the authorities refuse to believe that anything is amiss, it's up to The Mane Six and Barlow to stop Pomeroy. But not everything is as it seems...
>> No. 102049
File 133678348846.jpg - (8.21KB , 100x100 , mouse.jpg )
Thanks for the review. As I said before, I don't mind harsh reviews.

Somethings like the LUS I didn't realized was a problem. Most of it I will be removing, a few times it is a part of internal dialogue and thus giving Dash's opinion or image of Twilight and Rarity and not a replacement for using their names.

However, I see that I do need to get rid of things like "blue pegasus" or "pink party pony."

I also will try to improve the SDT aspect. That has always been a problem I've had.

The "wingboner" joke will be removed, it started out as just Dash thinking whipping eggs meant using an actual leather whip and wondering just how it was done. Someone pointed out how I could turn it into a "joke" about wingboners. You are not the first reviewer to have a problem with it being inappropriate and not funny.

Almost all the grammarical errors you pointed out I will also correct, then look at trying to remove some/most of the internal thoughts.

All other comments and /or questions I have, I'll use your e-mail for.
>> No. 102145
File 133685379564.png - (96.97KB , 450x450 , 132813694349.png )
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1dwAvMZcnmEp7EQ_C-sAiIDmXPfNDoA8BRm33QGx_N8c/edit

And there it be.
>> No. 102163
Thanks for this, but its kinda useless now because i abandoned the story because i wasn't really having fun writing it. It was a request from a friend and i took a stab at it but the reason why i don't like regret/nostalgia stories is that its kinda hard to make the action be in both present AND past. But thanks anyway!
>> No. 102164
File 133686412414.png - (144.91KB , 444x394 , Pinkie_angry_thinking_at_birthday_party.png )

I'm not Golden Vision and I don't speak for him, but as a reviewer I find this incredibly rude and inconsiderate.

Look at the number of people Golden Vision has waiting for a review, and look at how much work goes into each one. You may not have liked what he had to say, but he took time out of his day—time that could have been spent on his own writing or helping somebody who actually cared about the story they submitted—to think long and hard about your story, its shortcomings, and what needs to be fixed. And now, apparently, that work and the time that went into it was wasted, because you didn't so much as hint that you were abandoning the story. We provide a service out of a desire to contribute to a community that has given us much. We don't get paid. All we get is the satisfaction of knowing we helped someone, and not even that applies you've got us reviewing a story you have no intention of fixing.

tl;dr: If you've given up on a story, please say so. Don't waste the time of someone who's only trying to help.
>> No. 102174
File 133687247427.jpg - (35.60KB , 500x340 , sfgdta.jpg )
>> No. 102257
File 133690100618.jpg - (74.90KB , 700x560 , castle-bravo-atomic-nuclear-bomb-test.jpg )
Like me for example.
>> No. 102276
File 133691674091.png - (55.40KB , 1118x714 , twilight_sparkle_reaction_face_by_orschmann-d4a68es.png )
Sorry I've taken so long to get back to you on this, but I don't think I'll be able to go over this. The problem isn't that it isn't well-written—it is, nicely formatted and all—but it's not really a fanfiction. It's more of a codification of headcanon if anything. So, while it might be interesting to a random reader, I can't really say I'm qualified to go over it myself. My apologies.

>Four fanfics in my queue
>Haven't reviewed for days
Sorry guys; I've taken a mini-vacation of sorts to work on my own writing. Keeper of Jericho: expect to see your review up by tomorrow (along with any others I can fit in).
>> No. 102288
File 133692922755.png - (1.14MB , 900x1318 , 177988 - artist_PixelKitties changeling Chrysalis propaganda_poster.png )
Title: Doctor Whooves Episode 3: Atmos-Fear Chapter 1

Author Name: Hephestus

Tags: crossover, Doctor Whooves, Sci-fi, Changeling

Characters: Twilight Sparkle, The Doctor, Spike

Synopsis: One week after the Changeling Invasion of Canterlot and Twilight Sparkle is trying to relax when The Doctor returns after a month-long absence. As Spike, Twilight, and The Doctor reminisce about their past adventures it becomes clear that something is not quite right. A dark force has secretly taken control of the Canterlot News Agency and is using its influence to further its nefarious goals! Can Twilight, The Doctor, and Spike put a stop to this before its too late?

Length: 5082 words

Google Docs link: Title: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xvL1w8H5rX_7plYhxD2G71MFRLYPkS-eXLI6ukS7qFk/edit

I've already sent this to Equestria Daily, but I had a little trouble with their posting system while writing Mines of Dragon Mountain, so I'm posting here too just to be sure. I hope you like it!
>> No. 102291
File 133693021741.jpg - (216.94KB , 1280x1024 , yes.jpg )

>New Hephaestus Doctor Whooves

>mine countenance whereupon
>> No. 102292
File 133693039852.gif - (1.35MB , 975x720 , 133584148007.gif )
>“Oh!” The janitor said in surprise.
>“Oh!” the janitor said in surprise.
Son, I am dissapoint.
>> No. 102293

>Son, I am dissapoint.
Sturm, I am disappoint.
>> No. 102296
Keep 'em coming! It's better I catch this now as opposed to when I'm stitching all the chapters together after its done. Motivation and such.
>> No. 102297
People keep saying that Timelords and Terror is a good read. I tried to read it once.

>“More power to phase engines!” Bellowed the Hervoken Commander.
I stopped at "Bellowed", because I am a fickle, fickle little reader. One day I will steel myself and go in, but I am not yet ready.

http://derpy.me/EznGuideDialogue <-- read it and devour some knowledge (if you don't mind)
>> No. 102300
Dude, it's worth it. Bind and gag the Grammar Nazi inside you and read.
>> No. 102304
File 133693266252.png - (275.19KB , 500x500 , e62.png )
This is a basic, hard rule. I shouldn't have to point them out.
Here's what you do: Read Ezn's guide, then do a ctrl+f search for quotation marks. Go over every single dialogue-to-quotation transition and do a compare-and-contrast with the guide. You'll find them yourself. This is the only way you'll actually learn how to do it, as opposed to just passing the buck to your reviewer.

Dropping a story for making a grade five English mistake is fairly reasonable, all things considered. For anyone that knows how it's supposed to be punctuated, it absolutely kills your reading pace, like driving over a literary rumblestrip.
>> No. 102307
Thanks for the guide. It explains the finicky minefield of dialogue punctuation very concisely.
>> No. 102319
File 133693737763.png - (65.52KB , 587x677 , mlfw2893-Bored.png )
> Dropping a story for making a grade five English mistake is fairly reasonable, all things considered.
Not for me. Because humans are allowed to make mistakes.

Mechanics should become a deal breaker after the second or third violation, because (unless it's a really short piece) only by repeated errors does someone conclusively demonstrate a lack of understanding or appreciation for correct grammar.
>> No. 102345
> Not for me. Because humans are allowed to make mistakes.
People have different break points. Some are much looser than others. (loser then, hah)
Sentient beings are capable of making mistakes. It doesn't mean we have to accept them. Just learn from them and stop making the mistake in the first place. But some people like reading to be fun.
>> No. 102409
Hello Golden! I do remember you saying you wanted to review "First Dawn" again. I have made a lot of revisions to the story, and you're a better reviewer since last time you looked at it (you said this yourself), so here you go!

(Also, since I'm going on vacation tomorrow, I thought this would