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95893 No. 95893
I'll spare you the story of my original thread's near implosion. Let's do this!


1) Please be courteous to other posters. Being rude is MY job. (Not really, only in Hardcore reviews. Other than that, I don't bite. That hard. More on that in a moment)

2) Please note that on occasion, I'll have to set aside reviews to keep my priorities straight and the thread might reach critical mass and fucking explode Ponychan like it nearly did before.

Cough - Sorry about that.

That joke aside, I've got other responsibilities, so reviews might take quite a while from time to time. However, if you story is posted here, it'll get reviewed (eventually).

3) All stories should be posted in Google Docs with comments turn on. If comments aren't turned on, my review will be significantly limited since I can't point out specific issues. Please keep that in mind.

4) I have two methods by which I do reviews: the polite and courteous, or the completely ruthless and horrifying (but excruciatingly thorough). Again, more on that in a moment.

5) No "Cupcakes" stuff of any kind. I'm referring to derivatives, sequels, alternate endings, anything that has ANYTHING to do with that horrible piece of fiction. You have been warned.

6) Don't be afraid to post a story on account of its subject matter, as I'll review damn near anything. However, if your story is extremely clop or gore heavy, please email me at [email protected] rather than posting here.

7) Please use the following template for all submissions:

1) Title

2) Tags

3) Description

4) Special requests

5) Link

Hardcore reviews - Last but not least, let's talk Hardcore (TM) reviews.

Similar to Vimbert (Celestia rest his soul, he's flying with the pre-readers now. I think...), I have two methods of review. By default, I'll always review a fic in a polite and courteous manner. However, if you specifically request a Hardcore review in your post, my review will be...well, very different.

I like to respect that some people are more sensitive to criticism; that's what normal reviews are for. However, with normal reviews, I'll sometimes let minor issues slide and just give an overall opinion. I'll still give an honest review and point out major mistakes, but my net will be looser.

However, in my Hardcore reviews, I am nothing short of horrific (see the old thread). I'll examine every single aspect of your story, take every possible error into account, and brutalize even the slightest mistake through graphic (yet funny) analogies. (see my old thread for fun with analogies)

To be absolutely certain that there's no misunderstanding, if you want a Hardcore review, you must request it explicitly in your post. Otherwise, I'll give you the normal method.

I believe that covers just about everything. Let's get cracking, my friends!
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 95897
File 133386309198.jpg - (35.25KB , 250x140 , 11343.jpg )
>>Please note that this was shamelessly and lazily copypasta'd from the other thread :D


Hello there! I've written a fic that I'm currently trying to submit to EqD, and I'm doing my best to get it polished into top-shape. I hope you can find the time to help me out! :)

Title: Another Day For the Whooves
Words: 4,250
Tags: [Comedy/Random][Crossover (Doctor Who)][Slice-of-Life/Family]

Synopsis: Wake up, clean the TARDIS, have some tea, get chased by Daleks, have more tea, lose the Vortex, make muffins, find the Vortex, eat muffins and tea, blow up the planet. Just another day for the Whooves family.
...Oh, and Carrot Top has NO idea what's going on. Just saying.

Special Requests: Hardcore, please. Also, the EqD pre-reader mainly focused on chapter 2 (which I rewrote), so please be extra-critical on that one. Also, just a note- I also posted this on TTG thread, so just a heads-up.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/11343/Another-Day-For-the-Whooves

Thanks again, and I look forward to your righteous dissection of my writing!

-Golden Vision
>> No. 95898
File 133386315553.jpg - (62.62KB , 472x568 , 132028893534.jpg )
Hey hey, great to have you back! Been a long time coming :P

The chapter I previously posted for review has been managed elsewhere, and I'm all done with it. However, I'll get to work on the next one so I can get something your way. Reviewers for Grimdark seem to be few and far between on this board (can't imagine why), so it's always good to have one more stop by.
>> No. 95902
Question: Is your queue closed or open?
>> No. 95904

Gosh...the OP was created just under an hour ago.

I'd say open.

(I apologize for that sarcasm, I become quite cynical around this time of night)
>> No. 95906
File 133386567170.png - (110.50KB , 340x340 , Derpy_id-1.png )
Ack, you clearly wrote that you wanted GoogleDocs. My bad- all chapters should be available in this collection here: https://docs.google.com/#folders/0B-peHFFQq6JUY19kZzBqSE9RUWVpc0pJLV9zci1ldw
>> No. 95910
*shrugs* From the looks of your old thread, you had quite a load. Didn't catch the part where you said you were refreshing the queue.
>> No. 95912

No worries. Go ahead and post if you like.
>> No. 95935
File 133389192381.jpg - (101.34KB , 500x629 , 133014170694.jpg )
Good to see you keeping on, Umbra. As I'm quite sure you know, maintaining a dedicated review thread is rough going, but if you can hack it, it's worth it. Keep the Hardcore flame alive.

Anyway, I'll clutter your thread no longer.
>> No. 95942
Hi. I'd like to submit my story. It's roughly novella-sized and fully complete, so if you'd like to see more chapters (I recommend this, but it's your choice at the end of the day), I'd be happy to give them to you, assuming you're able to access these documents. Please inform me as soon as possible on this thread if you are not able to read the document. Anyway, without further ado, the story.

Title: Next Tuesday Morning
Tags: [Dark], [Comedy] (if you want to be a bit flexible about it, I'd also add a [Light Grimdark] tag in addition to the [Dark] tag, as well as some sort of "[Self-Parody]" tag)
Synopsis: In an alternate take on "It's About Time", Cerberus causes a supernatural plague to infect Ponyville and Canterlot, turning most of their inhabitants into possessed, bloodthirsty totally-not-zombies. Think 28 Days Later meets Shaun of the Dead, with ponies on top.
Special Requests: Not many that I can think of at the moment, but please notify my on this thread if you can't read the document, or if comments are off (honestly, I don't know how to turn them on, so if I don't figure out how by the time you get around to reading this, tell me how), or whatever. I'm a bit of a noob at Google Documents, so bear with me if I'm a complete klutz with it.

Links (which may pr may not work):

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xklPiqcZhlqJwdT2p_QMbZYVe7Oilkffgb3qCDKJBoM#

Chapter One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BGD2ByBIB-m70A0Y3txPk6NSxcv5iwlZcC8oYO7BSWI#

Hopefully it's passable.
>> No. 95954
Hello. I would like to submit a story that I've been working on for a while now. It is currently undergoing a major revamp, and I believe the first chapter is almost ready.

1) Title: Neo-Equestria
2) Tags: [Alternative Universe] [Dark]
3) Description: In an Equestria where technology drives ponykind, there is no greater discovery than the gemstone reactors that provide energy to the privileged ponies of Equinetropolis, Canterlot and other major cities.
However, progress is not without its sacrifices. And regrettably, with great power comes corruption and greed.
Bound by the invisible threads of fate, our unlikely heroes will together face the greatest peril the land has ever seen.
4) Special requests: Hardcore review, please.
5) Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GOmFmn2et6XZ_i3yYOzae-FtuZEWAKzM32vHKDGczrw/edit

I hope to have the next two chapters ready within a couple of weeks, let me know if you would be interested in taking a look. Thanks!
>> No. 95957
In addendum to my first post here submitting my fan fiction, "Next Tuesday Morning", because apparently the links are derped. Let me seee if these ones work.

Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xklPiqcZhlqJwdT2p_QMbZYVe7Oilkffgb3qCDKJBoM/edit

Chapter One: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BGD2ByBIB-m70A0Y3txPk6NSxcv5iwlZcC8oYO7BSWI/edit

Hopefully these ones actually, like, work.
>> No. 95976
Woot, inaugural review for the new thread! someone go get the champagne bottle! Alright, screw the champagne, let's just do this.

Hardcore is engaged, ladies and gents.

1) Plot

Interesting, to say the least. People have used that whole "Derpy and the Doctor have the same name" thing before, but for some reason, I've always found it annoying. I think it's because of the different spelling. But I digress.

I can't decide whether you're going to inject some huge crisis into this along the way, or if it's just going to continue as one of those "slice of life" fics. Either way could work; you just need to execute well.

Good job on the plot overall...it's not really like I could criticize a slice of life story for being, well, a slice of life.

2) Grammar, spelling and technicals

Absolutely stellar. I think I only caught three mistakes throughout the entire story, and I actually already changed them. Just a note: you left the document open to edits by anyone. I just needed commenting powers. I would definitely recommend you change it to comment only ASAP, otherwise the parasprites are going to eat your story.

Yup, good grammar overall.

3) Pacing

Erg... this one gave me quite a lot of trouble. I honestly can't really decide whether I like. That's because the quality of the pacing all depends on where you take the story from here. If you go the direction I'm predicting, your pacing was actually pretty good. My only complaint is about what appear to be some pretty rapid transitions. Maybe that's just how the Whooves are, but stuff seems to happen pretty fast for them, oftentimes out of nowhere. Keep that in mind.

4) Descriptions

Ho, boy. Fun stuff! I actually loved your descriptions for the most part. There were a couple instances of pretty bad telling, all outlined in the document. Pretty good job here. Oh, I know I mentioned this, but for the love of Christ, stop using the term "deadpanned." I don't even like that as a dialogue attribution to start with, and I certainly don't like it used four times in 4,250 words.

5) Character development

Pretty disappointing, to be honest. Maybe you just haven't had enough time to properly develop characters yet, or maybe I'm just not getting it (LOL), but your characters currently seem really...wooden. Sparkler, for instance, does nothing for the first chapter but talk about coffee. Granted, that scene was hilarious, but my point remains.

How about Dinky? So far, I haven't seen anything out of her other than "likes animals a LOT." If that's all I knew about Dinky, I would guess this is some sort of bestiality commentary.

The Doctor's up next. OK, maybe you're expecting your readers to all be Dr. Who viewers (which I actually am), but you can't do that. You can't just expect the reader to know what the Doctor's personality is going to be like. You need to develop him apart from the show. So far in this story, all we know is that the Doctor is forgetful...



Yeah. That's just about it. Other than that, he loves Derpy (which should go without saying), but I haven't really connected with his personality yet.

Derpy was actually done pretty well. I don't think you need to do much with her.

Lastly, what the hay is with this family and muffins? Are they the Whooves' cocaine? Dafuq is going on here? This isn't a complaint, but an honest question: what the hay does Derpy put in her muffins?

OK, major area to improve: characters. (remember, I'm especially critical of character development)

6) Dialogue

Tied in with character development, so I'll be brief. Sparkler and Dinky's conversation was pretty cute, and believable enough. The conversation between the Doctor and Derpy, however, seemed painfully forced. Definitely go back and rewrite that.

Chapter three (the kitchen scene) was basically fine, but something was off. I couldn't quite put a finger on it, but something about that section was rubbing me the wrong way. I would give it a once over just to be sure. Try reading your story out loud.

Final thoughts

OK, this was decent overall. At first I felt like criticizing you because the story wasn't that exciting, but then I realized that's ridiculous. It's tagged as slice of life, and that's what you gave me. There were the issues of character development and dialogue, however.

Your base score would be 3/5 because of those issues. However, you get some points because the story was pretty damn funny and make me d'awww once or twice. That brings you up to a 4/5. Were those issues to be fixed, you'd have a very fun little story on your hands, because honestly, I laughed my ass off at portions.

I just thought I would mention that I feel like you missed a couple of comedic opportunities, particularly when Derpy was talking with the Doctor in chapter two. Keep a sharp eye out for those.

Good work, keep it up!


>> No. 95977

You need to either give access permission to [email protected], or make the document accessible to whoever has the link. Presently, I can't touch the document.
>> No. 96004
Thank you so much for the review! I'll get down to work on it right away!
>> No. 96005

One of my pre-readers had the same problem. He sent an e-mail that redirected me to some sort of window that allowed me to give him access permission and notified him of it by e-mail. You haven't sent one, to my knowledge, so I guess this is the part where I ask you how to do that. Please excuse my ignorance. :S
>> No. 96010
You need to go up to the "Share" button on the top right of the GDoc, and then go to "Viewing options" or something similar- make it global, and then change the preferences to "anyone can comment".
>> No. 96013

Top right? Hmm. Part of the problem probably has something to do with the fact that I'm typing this from an iPad, so I'll see if I can get all of that in order the next time I have access to an ordinary computer. Feel free to skip my story on your queue and come back to it later. Don't remove it just yet, though.
>> No. 96032
Title: Forgoer's Day
Tags: Normal, Sad
Synopsis: There's a holiday coming up celebrating one's parents and Applejack wants nothing to do with it. When she tells Twilight the story of what happened to them, Twilight is determined to help out her friend.
Requests: Please point out where I am telling instead of showing, as that is one of my bad habits. Also, if there is a section the story can do without, feel free to point it out. I feel like the story is too long, but I'm not sure what part to lose because I've been looking at it too long. And bring on the Hardcore. I want to get this right.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1k9zOvuHWTs5jkdFPpE2p9ds76iIjABkpDri9IFFDC_0/edit
>> No. 96043
Dark Times (working title0
[Dark] [Adventure] [HiE] [Crossover]
A Star Wars Fim crossover. An Imperial Star Destroyer discovers a abandoned CSI vessel. On board they discover a secret project which leads not only the Empire but also the Alliance to Equestria.
Hit me with your Hard Core review. This is my first draft of my first fic. I know my grammar stinks and my character dialogue is probably really weak.
>> No. 96071
watching again.
currently putting my story through a major rework. I'll put it up here once I have the first chapter rewritten to my preference. really looking forward to having you take a look at it, eventually. XD

expect something along the lines of 14-16k words once I get it done, which I know will be pushed to the back of the queue. but you have got some of the most concise and elaborate reviews I've read on Ponychan, so I think it's worth the wait.

welcome back to the internet :D
>> No. 96091
File 133395986426.jpg - (1.02MB , 2550x3299 , Just Over the Horzine fimfiction.jpg )
Biting the bullet and posting this here. I originally had Vimbert go vindictive on this, but he joined the pre-readers before I had a chance to see if his input made this chapter any better. Fyi, it's a crossover between MLP and the game Killing Floor.

1. Just Over the Horzine
2. [Crossover][Grimdark][Sad][Sci-fi][Humans in Equestria][Ponies on Earth][Adventure] (apologies for the amount of tags, but this is an elaborate story)
3. A government-funded science experiment has gone horribly wrong, and London is writhing from the devastating after-effects. As a last resort, a lone scientist jumps into a portal in search of help. What he finds, however, is nothing he ever expected.
Meanwhile, the Summer Sun Celebration is just around the corner, and Twilight Sparkle hopes that this year's festivities will go off without a hitch. If she only knew of the grotesque future that lay in wait for her.
4. Nothing I can think of.
5. Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14Axsr7uq-jhiB-j-CVDM4e621iMRMuVTNLmzkGC3FjE/edit?hl=en_US

Here's hoping I did good.
>> No. 96123
File 133399478819.jpg - (233.51KB , 1024x576 , NextTuesdayMorningCover.jpg )
Well, Umbra, I have gotten access to an ordinary computer, and I have allowed you to view and comment on it, but only you, and you are not able to edit it directly. If you'd like me to something else, let me know, but I'm pretty sure you're able to see the documents now. They still aren't global, though.
>> No. 96147
a) Ascending the Thrones - Prologue Review

b) [Adventure] [Tragedy]

c) General Cyclone, Prince Emerald, and Vice-Chancellor Summer, all agree that their tribes cannot survive forever in disharmony and mutual hatred, and set out their own plans to take control. They must overthrow their siblings and current leader, General Hurricane, Princess Platinum, and Chancellor Puddinghead. A "prequel" to the events portrayed in Hearth's Warming Eve, and leads up to the start of the "great blizzard".

d) As far as requests, I want the honest truth, whether that's hardcore or kind, doesn't matter. I would like you to keep in mind that this is my first attempt at a Fan fiction and my first attempt at a story in general :P I just want to know if my idea and writing ability are at least decent.

e) Prologue - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1qtzMqmMFAByzkrbOQu5yanukUay2HrG_EQc4KwneMSM/edit

P.S. Almost done with chapter one, I will probably request that to be reviews too as it has a lot of talking and im unsure on my abilities to write dialogue
>> No. 96149
Sorry for the above post I just saw the review in the other thread and I got all the info about it I need so don't bother reviewing it xd
>> No. 96657
You can take me off the queue. I've gotten some much-needed help.
>> No. 96704
Title: The Crescendo of a Storm
Author: Bearycool
word count: 2800
status: Incomplete
Tags: [sad] [adventure] [slice of life]
Characters: Octavia, OC character (Gallant Hatter).
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SYag2HXoIugNBbZ7DBryFWUP3u-3WjKs16YZUraAg5o/edit
What I would like reviewed: The prologue
Before the storm, there was music; and before even that, there was inspiration.

For five years, the colt named Gallant Hatter heard the lovely music of Octavia being played: he even got to see her and watch her play in person! However, five days before a massive storm hits, Octavia vanishes. Nevertheless, even with Octavia's disappearance Gallant continues to hear new melodies being played in his mind; it is as if Octavia never left him.

Soon, sheet music begins to fly pass him and he begins to realize that they are the melodies being played in his mind. As the days go by, the music begins to turn darker and tell him that a storm is about to arrive.

Will Gallant head the warnings of the music? This has yet to show....

Request: Well damn, I am scared to request this but it looks like I have no other choice if I want this on EqD. Well... I guess I would like a hardcore review on this baby. I want it to be thrown into a fire, taken of the fire, then thrown in a lake of fire. I.E. I'm re requesting a hardcore review please.
>> No. 96736
Apologies for the wait; real life intervened this week. Expect reviews Saturday and Sunday.
>> No. 96789

Scratch that link. Use this one instead: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1eJ8ib6fE-eZaCGySQESYf5wLp3asWi8Uuqo6dKvIR-8/edit
>> No. 96849
File 133437160112.jpg - (386.50KB , 700x518 , horse-skull.jpg )
Hello, Umbra. This one is short, and I've polished it as much as I can, so it should be easy. Thanks in advance.

Title: Braeburn's Testimony

Tags: [Western][Sci-Fi][Dark][Human]

Description: Enclosed is the sworn statement of Braeburn Apple, regarding the attack on the Appleoosa Express by the White Scorpions outlaw gang, and the immigrant Rishav Sherpa's involvement in the subsequent occurrences.

Requests: I've broken some rules here, and I'm wondering if I've gotten away with it, or if this is a failed experiment. Hardcore, please.

>> No. 97170
Hey there Umbra! Got something I've been working on in FiMfiction but I feel that it could use some power editing for EqD.
2.)Contact: Apple Harvest
3.)Synopsis: Pony kind has advanced into the space age, successfully driving out and seeing and living among the stars that populated Luna's brilliant night. This expansion is met with friction, however, and soon open conflict has been waged.
Note: This is an alternate history fic
Requests: I would just like to know that Vimbert had has hooves all over the first chapter, so I only included it for context for the rest. If you want to review it yourself, feel free. Also, give me the hardcore method!

Link to Google Docs Collections of chapters 1-9: https://docs.google.com/#folders/0B1VBFCgLRaFDODFkYTEyZTAtMjBjMi00NWM5LTljZmItNzE3NGU2Zjk4ZDgz
>> No. 97172
Hey there Umbra! Got something I've been working on in FiMfiction but I feel that it could use some power editing for EqD.
2.)Contact: Apple Harvest
3.)Synopsis: Pony kind has advanced into the space age, successfully driving out and seeing and living among the stars that populated Luna's brilliant night. This expansion is met with friction, however, and soon open conflict has been waged.
Note: This is an alternate history fic
Requests: I would just like to know that Vimbert had has hooves all over the first chapter, so I only included it for context for the rest. If you want to review it yourself, feel free. Also, give me the hardcore method!

Link to Google Docs Collections of chapters 1-9: https://docs.google.com/#folders/0B1VBFCgLRaFDODFkYTEyZTAtMjBjMi00NWM5LTljZmItNzE3NGU2Zjk4ZDgz
>> No. 97200
Hi, Umbra.

I just wanted to say that I emailed you the plot points for Shades of Gray (from your last thread).

Thank you!
>> No. 97928
Suddenly, reviews! I'll spare you guys the bitching and moaning about being busy, let's do this.

Hardcore is engaged, you all know what that means.

NOTE: In order to have a more objective rating system, I'm going to give a 1-5 score in each section so you know where more or less improvement is necessary. My total ranking will be an average of the scores for your plot, grammar, character development and dialogue, pacing and lastly, your descriptions.

1) Plot

OK, serious plot holes, broseph. Maybe I'm totally missing something here, but how the hell does Applejack not know who the princesses are? In canon, they're not just fairy tales; they're real monarchs that everypony knows about.

If Applebloom is around and capable of talking at this point, it can't be earlier than 5 years before the events of FiM. That means AJ would have to be completely oblivious to who's been in charge of the whole fucking country for her entire life.

Furthermore, how does she not know what an alicorn is? We're talking about a pony who's 20+ years old. She should have known about alicorns years ago. This whole thing just really put me off and made the story difficult to enjoy. Also, this whole "Applejack's knowledge of her own country being equivalent to that of a fat woman's dildo" thing is going to have a significant tie-in with the rest of the plot, it needs to be rectified immediately. I know you tagged this as "Alternate Universe," but you're basically telling canon to fuck itself.

As for the rest of the plot, I'll admit I have no idea where you're going with it. These "shadowy figures" at the end of the chapter sort of gave me a "Wait, what?" feeling. My guess is that these people want to kidnap someone in the Apple family for some reason, but I'll stop guessing for now.

Plot score: Major plot holes make the whole story difficult to enjoy. You've got some potential here, however, and the whole "greatest peril" thing caught my eye. While it sounds cliche, it's also intriguing. Please don't screw this up, it's actually an OK start. 3/5.

2) Grammar, spelling and technicals

Major problem here: inconsistency of dialogue attribution. Dialogue attribution should look like this:

"What's going on?" she asked.

You did that some of the time, but you also did the following a number of times as well:

"What's going on?" She asked. (just an example)

Pronouns and nouns following sentences are only capitalized when the second sentence marks a separate action. Example of how to do this correctly:

"We'll get through this, no matter what it takes." She rose from the table and laid a hoof on her sister's shoulder.

In that situation, the dialogue and the descriptive sentence were separate clauses. That's the only time you're allow to capitalize the beginning of a sentence after dialogue. Otherwise, it's always lower case.

Otherwise, though, your grammar and spelling were excellent. Perhaps it's due to tons of previous reviews, but the above issue was the only one I caught.

Spelling and grammar score: 4.5/5.

3) Pacing

Whoa there, girl! You're going a bit fast for my taste. I feel like I'm fucking Superwoman again. My main biff with your pacing is this: we get one chapter in which AJ and Big Mac squabble over whether or not they're going to sell the farm, and next thing we know, shady figures are at their house, doing shady things. I really wish we'd gotten a bit more explanation of just what the fuck is going on. (Anyone ever notice how often I ask for an explanation of what the fuck is going on?

Explain why AJ doesn't know about the princesses' existence. Explain what these gem reactor things are. Explain why Big Mac is suddenly wordier than Tolkien (just kidding). We need some sort of back story, or whatever happens after this chapter is going to be confusing as hell.

Pacing score: 2/5

4) Character development and dialogue

Pretty interesting, actually. For Big Mac, that is. Not so much for Apple Bloom. I liked your depiction of him as more intelligent than he's portrayed in the show. I'm really interested to see how that's going to play into your story. Perhaps Big Mac will be the mastermind behind these gem driven power-generators? Only time will tell.

As for Applejack, you development is decent. You gave her that sort of caring, almost mothering attitude towards Big Mac and Apple Bloom, which is at least consistent with canon. Once again, though, the fact that she doesn't know anything about alicorns or the princesses isn't consistent with canon, so that got under my skin just a bit. To iterate, however, she was decent.

Apple Bloom was probably my least favorite of your characters, at least in this chapter. When she was talking to Big Mac, she came off as fucking annoying. I know, I know: you were trying to give her this childlike, curious persona.

Well, what it came across as was:

"Hey, Big Mac! Listen to me irritate you while you're trying to keep the farm from goin' under!"

When it came to Applejack and the story, the problem was basically the same. She had this childlike curiosity, but that's all she had. You need to give her more depth. To use the same phrase I always use, make her three dimensional.

As for your dialogue, it was actually very good. The rampant apostrophes and southern dialect made me read the story in the character's voices, which is always fun. The main problem I had with the dialogue was when Apple Bloom and Big Mac were talking at the beginning. It just felt sort of...stale, wooden. But that's just me, of course. If you're happy with it, keep it the way it is.

Character development and dialogue score: 3.5/5 (because of Applebloom's poor development and AJ's not so great development)

5) Descriptions

Erggg....telling. I hate pestering authors about telling, but it's the first and most difficult thing they need to deal with. Basically, the entire first page (describing the Apple family farm) is textbook telling. Starting off your story with a shitload of telling is the easiest way to lose readers.

You have the same problem when AJ is thinking about Big Mac taking a vacation later. This is once again textbook telling. It might have been better if you'd alluded to Big Mac working too hard all throughout the first story, or more subtly implied it with clever banter, but as the story stands, you told like Igor Karkaroff in the Ministry of Magic courtroom.

There were little bits of telling all throughout the story. Unfortunately, I can't go through and point them all out because of the size of m queue, but I would recommend taking it to someone else who does have that luxury.

Descriptions score: 2/5.

Final thoughts

I'm not really sure what to make of this just yet. There's a million and one directions you could take the plot, and a whole lot of cool stuff to be written about. I'm just going to have to wait and see what you do with it.

Greatest areas needing improvement: plot (the plot holes specifically), descriptions, and character development for Apple Bloom and Applejack.

Average score: 3/5.

Good luck, keep at it!


>> No. 97930

Ah, my apologies. "Next Tuesday Morning" is first up in the queue.
>> No. 97936
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The picture says it all. I'm sorry, Mr. Alternate Grammar, but this story has so much telling and such poor dialogue that I simply can't continue with it. All it took was the first chapter to convince me that this story needs serious rework before I give it a full review. I would suggest taking it to a reviewer that's more tolerant of telling (perhaps the Training Grounds) or working on the telling issue yourself.

Feel free to resubmit it once you've done some rewrites, but presently, the telling is so bad that my only piece of advice is to read either the Editor's Omnibus section on Show vs. Tell and rewrite basically the entire story to show more.


>> No. 97956

You know, actual examples would be appreciated.
>> No. 97963
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Thank you again for acknowledging my request! I appreciate your efforts and look forward to working with you~


Tags: [Sad][Shipping][Alternate Universe][Semi-dark]
Title: Beyond Her Garden
Description: When Silver Platter finds his hometown stricken under a drought of three years, it seems like all hope is lost. However, all of that changes when Carrot Top, a young mare, steps in and proceeds to show a natural talent for gardening that is above anypony else. Instead of a happily accepting the young pony's willingness to pour herself into saving others, Ponyville's shocking response to her efforts throw Silver Platter and Carrot Top into a whirling turn of events that will change their lives; that is, if they make it out.
Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15303/1
Main Characters: OC Pony (Silver Platter), Carrot Top
>> No. 97989

Ah, I must not have been clear before. Allow me to specify:


Your entire story is one giant tell, so it's difficult to nail down exact parts. I've outlined a few specific paragraphs in your document as examples. I know it sucks to hear this, but believe me when I say I'm no stranger to these criticisms. We all hear them.
>> No. 98010
Title: Reconciliation
Tags: Sad
Synopsis: Over Fifty years after the events of the show, Twilight Sparkle returns to Ponyville, now a bustling city, to meet with her friends one last time.
Note: As said in the subject I am requesting a brutal tear up of this story. Also there might be some comments on these docs already from previous reviewers if that's okay with you.
CH 1:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wVjoCTElI4wjulTnRPiODFcqPT-e_WPth12rRv8P8EM/edit
Ch 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xn_xfFsacGSnjajlqE1jED5lduZm2xK49XzsVFzR-wk/edit
Ch 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WzcEkcmhZw7oZCb61bXkMDH52UfjpRIUjc_Z-Z85exc/edit
>> No. 98021
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Firstly, thank you for the review. Here's a little response.

>1) Plot
Hm... this surprised me. But now I know that I need to make it clearer in the synopsis and the storybook that alicorns actually do NOT exist in my story. They are more like mythical creatures -- fairy-tales as you put it.

>2) Grammar, spelling and technicals
Glad to see there were only minor derps here. I'll be sure to do another sweep.

>3) Pacing
This was actually originally a prologue. It's supposed to be like... an opening scene, something quick to show the calm before things actually start happening. I think reverting this back into a prologue might help a little, less expectations and all that.

>4) Character development and dialogue
I'm glad you like Big Mac. Though you also mention he is... wordy, which is true.
Applejack is just plain ol' Applejack. I'm happy as long as you don't think she's OOC.
As for Applebloom, she IS pretty two-dimensional. I guess you either find her cute or you find her annoying -- I'll take either one.

>5) Descriptions
This... well, I'm going to have to disagree with some of the stuff here. Keep in mind this is my PERSONAL opinion.
I don't really see telling as being straight up 'wrong'. If something reads and flows nicely, I have no problem with some telling.
I think it's not a matter of 'show vs tell', but more of a 'show AND tell'; and the goal is to combine the two so they work well together.
However, I can definitely see people getting put to sleep by stuff like that, so thank you for pointing it out.

Looks like your queue's getting rather large, so I'll refrain from making it any bigger. Thanks again! I'm very grateful for your time.
>> No. 98333
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1. (Still thinking of one :P )
2. Romance, Comedy, Random
3. Twilight is up late again, trying to redeem herself from the Smartypants catastrophe, and is soon informed that she needs test subjects. She quickly goes to ask all of her friends and is worried when the only who volunteers is Pinkie Pie... but why? (Cliche or something? I don't know, but whatever).
Pretty much it's going to turn into a TwiPie, and end all nice and stuff (haven't figured out the ending yet, but we will eventually). It's supposed to be funny and not make complete sense, and overall make people laugh. This is also written by two authors. This first chapter is mainly written by me (with edits from the other author) from Twilight Sparkle's perspective, while other chapters will be written by my buddy who will be writing in Pinkie Pie's perspective. DONE WITH THINGS THAT DON'T MATTER NOW :P
4. My budding author decided that we should do a Hardcore review. So hardcore review it is! (I won't read it because I'll probably cry ;) ).
5. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tm9ycX_8TS_GzjU_fHuVP-jSWDsnp50dForh-cU8nQs/edit?pli=1 Enjoy :P

>> No. 98944
This fic has been submitted to three queues: yours, MintyRest's, and Chocolate Milk's.
>> No. 98948
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The rules stipulate that you must announce in each thread you submit to that you've requested a review in a different thread. Furthermore, it is heavily frowned upon to request more than two reviews at once. Finally, your complete and utter disregard for the rules of capitalization is reprehensible, as is your (at best) questionable grammar.
>> No. 98949
>4. If you request more than one review, you must make the fact that you have done so known to everyone you have requested a review from.
From the sticky.
>> No. 99911
What can I say? Running a review thread is hard. Too hard, in fact, for the present state of my life.

Take two part-time jobs, college, involvement in community theater, film projects, my own stories (yes: shocking as it is, I don't just brutalize other authors' work; I do write my own), and dump a dedicated review thread on top...well, I suppose I was just asking for trouble.

I simply can't handle as many stories as I get in this thread (evidenced by the massive queue my previous attempt accrued). I also noticed that The Training Grounds, a great service to the fandom, is currently struggling due to a lack of reviewers.

I haven't been fair to the authors posting in my thread due to my inability to post reviews quickly, and I don't think that's right. I want to help the fandom, and I think heading over to the TG is the best way I can do that. As such, my thread is on an indefinite hiatus, effective immediately. If you really want a fic reviewed by me specifically, you can drop me a line at [email protected] However, submissions through that email will be treated with a strictly "Whenever I get to it" (e.g., who knows when it will actually get reviewed?) attitude.

I'll be reviewing all the stories that have been posted prior to this notice. In the future, when I have the time, I may start this group of shenanigans up again. In the mean time, off to The Training Grounds!

Sorry about this, everyone. Those of you in the queue, your stories will be reviewed within ten days if I can swing it.

(Mods, you can put this on auto-sage this, please and thank you)
>> No. 99918
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Hey Umbra, I just want to make sure you're not feelin' bad about this. You've got a lot on your plate, and I can sure as hell sympathize with that. At least you haven't disappeared for months straight, heh. It's not as though you were fresh off the block- you'd done a review thread before, handled it well, an that deserves respect.

Glad to hear you're going to be dedicating your talents to TTG, an if you need an assist wrappin' up your current queue, don't hesitate to let me know; I'd be glad to help out.
Cheers mate, all the best.
>> No. 99934
I would like to remove my story "Braeburn's Testimony" from the queue. I've come to realize it needs a lot more work, and I can see you need a break.

>> No. 114489
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>mfw most of this thread is missing

where did you go sweet thread?
>> No. 114497
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>sage in wrong field
his current thread is here:>>111302
>> No. 114498
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Thread autosaged per OP request (>>99911), albeit belatedly..! Please report a post in this thread if you are coming back to it and want it to bump again.
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