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File 133478026993.png - (254.83KB , 546x378 , TGAPT.png )
97756 No. 97756
#Reviewer #Training Grounds
Be stunned, be dazzled, as The Great and Powerful Trixie graces this thread with her presence. Trixie was asked to open a new Training Grounds, but The Great and Powerful Trixie does not get asked; Trixie decides what Trixie does. And while she does not usually grace the common folk with her presence, today The Great and Powerful Trixie is feeling benevolent. Be grateful, my enthusiastic little admirers, that Trixie has decided that she will donate her time to such a common task. So behold! as THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE PROCLAIMS THIS THREAD TO BE OPEN! That Trixie gets paid and requires a replacement cart has nothing to do with her decision

Greetings all, and welcome to the Training Grounds, the review thread for all authors, reviewers, proofreaders, and editors, both newcomer and seasoned veteran. It isn’t the only such thread, but it’s usually the busiest!

How to submit a fic/find your review: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsHowTo
Casual TL/DR of above guide: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsTLDR
The current list of fanfics: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsQueue
List of TTG regulars: http://tinyurl.com/TGRegulars
The submission form: http://tinyurl.com/TrainingGroundsSubmit
IRC (live chat) howto and rules: http://tinyurl.com/TheTGIRC
Previous edition of The Training Grounds: >>94251

Some Notes
Do jump in and participate if you can. New reviewers, editors and authors are always welcome!
No one is infallible. If something doesn’t seem right, ask about it! Whether it be about a review you’ve received, a fanfic submitted, or something about the queue spreadsheet, the best way to solve it is through communication.
If you think you’ve been missed: please remind us with a link to your original post.
Feel free to ask questions about fanfics and writing them!
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Reviewers: the writers want their work to shine. Highlight faults with gusto. Don’t fear compliments either: if something makes you smile, a few kind words won’t ruin your review.
Writers: the reviewers love to read, but will often lean towards being critical. Don’t allow it to discourage you; use their criticism to improve your writing! See “Receiving Critique: Gallant” in The Editor’s Omnibus (http://bit.ly/w2Vuyp) and the Submission Etiquette Guide (http://bit.ly/vipO7F).

Helpful Documentation
Sithicus Helpicus: Several takes on the same paragraph of text by multiple authors. http://bit.ly/ovOXpn
CerealVelocity's Writing Guides: These focus on spelling, grammar and punctuation. http://bit.ly/pP8OzY
Escher's Hints: A general purpose improvement guide. http://bit.ly/o8voUF
The Review Board: Check this document for the latest list of reviewers and threads. http://bit.ly/rtOSx7
The Editor’s Omnibus: Writing wisdom, wrung from the willing, wrought with wit and worry: http://bit.ly/u6aY7T
Townson University’s Online Writing Support: illustrated assistance in most aspects of grammar, syntax and punctuation: http://www.towson.edu/ows/index.htm
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 97758
>>97670
Thanks for such a detailed review. :)

> Mechanics.
I'll pay some close attention to my semicolons.

On the topic of sentence structure, do you, or anyone else, know any nice reading materials on the matter. It seems to be a constant thorn in my side, and one I'd like to rid myself of too.

> I couldn't at all gauge your level of knowledge about all things musical...
None at all. I'd love to take you up on that offer, but I'm not going to get round to doing my next draft until the weekend. Would it be alright for me to contact you at the email in your trip?

> Characterization
Might it add anything to give a little more depth to the father, or would it merely distract from the central themes.

> Again, the disconnect between Octavia's facets felt like a group of disjoint plot elements than an intertwined narrative.
I feared this. Definitely going to need to give this entire thing a massive overhaul.

> Princesses as objects of worship from an organized religion, which didn't sit quite right with me...
How so?

> I have absolutely no idea what happened at the end. I couldn't decide whether to take the scene at face value or treat it as metaphorical.
It was supposed to be somewhere in between. I'll probably rewrite this.

> And the biggest issue is that it never went anywhere...
Yeah.

> Keep writing, and have fun with it.
Thanks for the review. Very insightful. I agree with you 100%. Keepin' on truckin'.
>> No. 97772
[Comedy] [Dark] [Romance] [Adventure]

Twilight Sparkle used to be well respected and praised. But she damaged her reputation in a fitful night of mad ramblings and horrible prophecies. Now confined to the walls of Ponyville's hospital, the unicorn has to contend with her new 'imaginary friend', and piece together seemingly random events to figure out how to stop the encroaching darkness that threatens to consume all of Equestria.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/18897/It%27s-All-In-Your-Head

I would like Uma to review this as well, please.
>> No. 97773
>>97701
Another reason to limit your use of adverbs is that it forces a conclusion on the reader. If a character says something "happily," the reader understands, but it doesn't make for much of a mental picture. Place yourself as an observer. How do you know the speaker is happy? You observe his mannerisms, body language, facial expression, posture, etc. If you give the reader the evidence, you can lead him to the conclusion you want, but make a richer experience of it and make him think about the story. It's a more engaging read that way. Such is the essence of showing, and why adverbs are tell-y.

That said, telling has its place. Minor details, exposition, and catching the reader up on past events at the beginning of a scene need not be so showy. Just be sure to ratchet up the showing at critical plot points and when emotions run high.

Them's my two cents.
>> No. 97776
File 133478817088.jpg - (113.17KB , 476x421 , harvey-birdman-attorney-at-law-takes-the-case.jpg )
97776
>>97585
Hmm. Short, amusing concept, author I actually know. I'll take the case! And I'll make it my quickest review to date!
>> No. 97783
File 133479119400.jpg - (120.97KB , 875x914 , Lyra y_u_no.jpg )
97783
>>97776
Told you it would be my quickest!

Now, since you gave me a FIMfiction link rather than a Gdoc one, I wasn't able to make any in-doc comments. What I will do, however, is try something different by giving you a stream-of-thought rundown as I read through the chapter, and I'll let you try and figure out what parts it is I'm talking about. Uh-hum.

-Hmm, not much physical detail of human Lyra. Nice, calm slow opening.
-With your teeth? You rebel you
-Wait... O_O, (this has to do with Ponyfall, doesn't it?)
-Still sparse with the details...
-Trixie!? What the f**k!?
-LOL, that Bon-Bon
-Convenient unlocked door is convenient
-Bon-Bon certainly calmed down real fast despite having a prowler in the tub a second ago
-How are you drying yourself off so easily Lyra? You don't have hands; handling a towel should be rather cumbersome in your current state. Also no mentioning of magic
-Blushing already, Bon Bon? So much for subtlety
-First you offer a towel, now you whip out a frying pan? Methinks this filly's bi-polar :3
-You're taking the whole "now I'm a pony" thing pretty well, Lyra, resting all comfortable like that. You're not normal, are you?
-Freakin' weight watcher; there are bigger things to worry about
-Wow! Such a sudden connection there, Bon Bon
-Aww, she keeps dolls
-Hold on, so... Human's ARE known? Funny how that's never mentioned in the show
-Wait, you watch an entire movie with someone who popped up in your tub, that you had called/treated as a creeper? You're not normal are you, Bon Bon?
-You derped on the spacing with "A bed"
-I think there's supposed to be a transition mark between her going to sleep and winding up on the carpet :P
-Misspelled blonde
-Missing the - in wall-eyed
-Hold up hold up. Bon Bon has bought Lyra's story after only one movie night? These ponies are crazy!
-I'm still dumbfounded by how quickly Lyra has adjusted to her predicament. It's as though... The author just wants to get on with it! En bien! That has to be it!
-LOL, silly Lyra and her oats ^^
-Wait, it just occurred to me: wasn't Lyra around when Twilight first came to Ponyville? Then that would mean... THIS WHOLE SECTION INVALIDATES EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED UP TO THIS POINT!!! STORY-KILLER, STORY-KILLER, STORY-KILLER!!!! DDDDD:
-Opening a book, as though it were being done as usual. Only, y'know, you're DOING IT WITH HOOVES AND NOT HANDS
-Man you skim fast, girl. Care to share some of what you glanced over? (Beside what you were looking for. I'm rather curious of this book's contents. For that matter, what about the language used in writing this book? Surely it'd seem a little aloof to someone who had been human a day ago)
-"Practice levitation? Maybe a rock or a leaf- NOPE! Let's go pick up bulky instruments and practice using those! Bon Bon are gneuis!"
-Holy S**t that's hella expensive!
-And you're cool with spending that much cash?? Hmm, must be some seriously bad inflation. The bit ain't what it used to be...
-"Trust in the Force, you must. Size matters not."
-Aww, that's actually a bit touching
-*Zelda item music* You got CUTIE MARK!

IN SUMMATION:
I found this to be an alright read. It started well enough, had some nice humor, though Bon Bon's leaps in mood and logic were astounding, especially in accepting Lyra's origin (offscreen apparently). You had Lyra acclimate to things like nothing, which further confounds things. She just became a pony the other day, and now she's opening menus and books like nothing despite having hooves?

Then there was the segment with Twilight. As I mentioned before, having that part sorta destroys the implied concept: Lyra's origin story. Consider removing, or replacing with something else. OOH! This could be the perfect opportunity to present the librarian who came BEFORE Twilight!

All around the grammar and spelling was sound. However, the story was told in debilitating brevity, and you just speed along to get to the end. For a story like this, you can benefit by detailing all of Lyra's fumblings and triumphs as she gets used to being a pony. And maybe a more profound freak-out moment would make things more impactful. (Also make Bon Bon more like a normal-thinking pony. Wait, what am I saying DX)

This story has potential, especially given the humor you have shown. But the exposition needs some MAJOR overhauling before it hits the big time. Best of luck to you on that ;)
>> No. 97785
>>97522 >>97626
Nicholas, I saw your message you left in the spreadsheet. Edit all you like, and let me know when you're ready.

>>97758
There are a number of recommended writing links that Split has kindly provided within this review post: >>96564
Not having read through all of them myself, I can't say which ones are particularly germane to sentence structure, but it's a common enough issue that I would think at least one would cover it. If not, Split and I will try to find something better suited to what you want.

You're welcome to contact me via email or through Google chat at the same address. I'm also in the IRC #ttg and #fic channels (link at the top of the thread) nearly every night if you'd prefer to chat there, or we can arrange to chat in doc. Any and all methods are fine.

Adding depth to the father might not be absolutely necessary, but it wouldn't hurt. If you develop him well, it's another character with which the reader can identify.

I just feel that there's nothing from canon to suggest a religious attitude toward the Princesses, but that's my personal taste. Don't change your fic to suit my opinion. It's certainly a valid interpretation.
>> No. 97786
Right, let's start with the synopsis.

> Human from Earth Seeks refuge from bullying in Equestria, where he believes all is well, but nothing goes as planned.
This reads like a newspaper headline. Newspaper headlines are designed to pack lots of information into a small space. You have space to work with so use it, expand. Also, try to capture people's attention more. Something in your synopsis is supposed to act as a hook to gain attention. You're missing that.

Concept
The concept's interesting and relatively unique ( from my limited experience). Human in Equestria has been done to death, it's boring. What captures my attention though is the whole thing going on with Celestia and Tarnish. It has potential. It might be at risk of becoming cliche, but for the moment, it's the most intriguing element to your story. Make sure you focus less on the HiE and more on the plot line going on with Celestia.
> I imagine that you already plan to do so, but hey.

Plot
Clumsy. Your interesting concept is limited by how your executing the plot. Your opening starts out okay, but then you quickly move into what feels like a list of staple elements to stories of this kind.
1) Characters around which conflict centers talk ominously.
2) Protagonists are watching a meteor shower.
3) A meteor falls from the sky conveniently while they're present.
4) Meteor contained thing of interest.
5) Said thing has mysteriously vanished.

I would suggest having a rethink. The whole thing is just too convenient and too over done. Introducing some of your characters in a different manner would really do this some good. As long as there's something to break up the cliche list, then it should be okay. I'd suggest getting the Mane 6 involved in some other manner.

Flow
Mainly related to my point above, but the flow is particularly weak.

The whole story feels so mechanical. Part A moves into Part B moves into Part C... It reads like a list of events. We need more description, we need lines inserted for the point of characterisation and we need to see the whole thing beefed up a little bit more. At the moment every single sentence involves the characters doing something different from what they were doing previously. There's never any time to really digest what you're reading, it all just comes at you.

Characterization
Let's go in canonical order.

Celestia...
> "Oh at last!", she exclaimed, "I must go see him at once!"
This is not the Celestia I know. Celestia is serene, calm and measured. She doesn't break from her expected social conduct when her subjects are around. I get that she's excited, but I don't think that would lead her to make loud, obvious statements. Something I'll touch upon later.

> "It's time, then?"
Why does Celestia suddenly become all melancholy and brooding? If she knew that seeing Tarnish could be such a bad thing, why was she so excited? I could buy all this, if her mood didn't change completely within the space of two sentences.

> "Equestria may survive without me, but the entire world will be destabilized if I'm taken by you first."
The way that Celestia's started talking as if she's Elrond is kind of annoying. You should probably do something about that.

Tarnish...
> "-you were born on Earth, deary."
Tarnish is supposed to be this wise, omniscient demigod thing, yet he talks like an old, frisky pervert down the pub who's downed one too many. Seriously, my grandfather talks like this when he's in a drunken stupor. Here's another line.
> "And what might that be, love?"
I get that there in love (for some unbeknownst reason which I hope you're going to elaborate one) but he sounds less than affectionate. Definitely fix this.

Also, he comes off as weird. Jumping between being this lovey-dovey character, a prophet of doom, and an 'ungod' who use rusting as a form of transportation.
> I thought the rustportation was cool if that's any consolation.
Decide on a clear role for him and then stick to it. I have a feeling that he's here as little more than a plot device anyway, so you can limit his characterization to what's necessary. Just try not to make him weird, or so cliche in his role that he's flat and boring.

Mane 6...
Kudos on Spike, I thought you characterized him rather nicely and Pinkie was also rather well done. Rarity was fine; she didn’t really play much of a role. Fluttershy’s also fine as all she seems to do is interject random comments and make that one rather nice comment to Twilight.
The rest though are not done so well. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Rainbow Dash shout "OH NO!" quite so melodramatically. Rainbow generally seems off in the way that she doesn’t seem to be very cocksure or arrogant, rather she’s taken on the role of being the ‘doer’, a role more commonly associated with Applejack. Rainbow seems to be the one leading a lot of the action here. Not necessarily a bad thing, just a bit off. Maybe give her some motive to act in such a manner given the circumstance. Twilight just runs around making obvious comments, something I’ll come to in a bit. Why does Applejack keep saying y’all so much?

For lack of a better name; Huff McGruff (‘The Refugee’)...
So far he has no character whatsoever. He makes a few brave statements...
> "You can't take me this time, Wither!"
He cries while speaking in a rather determined manner...
> "No one HERE will beat me paraplegic." The beauty and familiarity of Equestria filled his heart as he wept with joy.
And he’s not very good at making friends...
> "It looks as though you passed through a flame." He looked angrily at the stallion and said condescendingly, "If you MUST know I burned my original body during the rite...hopefully to cinders."
Tone him down a bit. He’s feeling a different emotion every scene. Give him some more depth, introduce him a bit more, elaborate on what drives him to be in Equestria. Don’t give us his full life story straight off, but show us a bit more than you currently are.

The mysterious stallion...
> ...it was the voice an old stallion.
Describe him to us, what does he look like? Who the heck is he?

The Elephant in the Room
> "Oh at last!", she exclaimed, "I must go see him at once!".
> "...and there is no need to change that. Even if I am destined to die at the hands of your brother, Parish."
> "I can't believe it!", she shouted, "This only happens once in a thousand years! Ohhhh I can't WAIT!"
> "Some of the meteors are bigger than others. They do come in a lot of different shapes and sizes."
> "Did it suddenly get a lot brighter out here, ya'll?"
> "OH NO!", screamed Rainbow Dash, "THAT COULD'VE BEEN SOMEPONY'S HOUSE!"
> "Oh no..." she said as she realized it, "That thing destroyed the Ponyville Schoolhouse!"
> "Thank goodness everyone was out watching the shooting stars!"
It’s like all the characters have been struck with the dumbstick. They all have this incessant need to make blatantly obvious statements as if the reader’s stupid. It’s like they think that every thought that goes through their minds must be repeated because we all need to know it so desperately. Picture the following.
> “Oh no, Bob, the cheese is out of date!”
> “How do you know, Larry?”
> “Because the sell-by-date says so.”
> “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
That’s kind of how it comes off. What your doing is telling and not showing, except, rather than just listing off facts in the narration, you have to have all the characters verbalise them instead. It’s annoying, out of character and bad writing. Most of the details in these sentences need to be included, but rather than just tell us outright, show them to us. Description, dialogue (subtle dialogue at least), actions, emotions, setting, word choice etc. These are all key things in showing.

?
> "Boy...SURELY you jest!"
What?

General proofread and the like
> ...carved into it stand in the middle...
Stood.

>...with another circle drawn into it opposite of the table.
Awkward and wrong. Rephrase.

> The concrete walls flickered from the candlelight shining from each corner of the shapes drawn into the floor.
Awkward, rephrase.

> ...as he wheeled himself up...
It’s not inherently obvious that he’s in a wheelchair at this point, so it sounds as if he’s turning rapidly.

> The human wept as he dropped the open jar filled with gasoline behind him as he wheeled himself up to the table and held his open hand over the carvings on it.
Two “as he’s” in one sentence make for an awkward read.

> ...turned on it's side...
Correct to “its”.

> He pushed himself away from the table with all his strength and his wheelchair flew backwards upsetting the jar of gasoline spilling it into the floor.
Consider a comma after “backwards.”

> ...the life left his body and he tumbled over onto the candle just behind him, the opposite facing circle carved into the floor casted...
Comma splice.

> ...most awaited visitor...
Awkward. Consider revising.

> A true smile peeled across her face...
Peeled sounds stupid.

> ...meet the man...
So, Tarnish isn’t a pony?

> ...and rotted...
Metal doesn’t rot.

> ...cone for his lid.
Lid? What?

> "Nearly time, my dear.", he...
No! In fact, stop doing this. Sprinkled throughout quite a number of places you have punctuation marks finishing speech and a comma outside the speech marks. I’d suggest reading up on this.

> Tarnish was excited.
There are quite a number of sentences like this sprinkled throughout that are all tell and no show when they could do with show. I’d suggest a careful read through on your part, asking yourself “is there a way I can portray this, without directly telling the reader?”

> into Equestria...", she said, placing her front hooves on the windowsill, "...I felt as though
No ellipsis needed.

> ...she asked something no God should ever ask their keepers.
Another particularly strong instance of telling.

Alright, well the rest of the grammatical mistakes follow a similar pattern. I suggest you carefully read through it, see if you can identify the problems yourself and then fix them, and then try again, asking for a good proofread.

All in all, there’s potential. You’ve got a good concept. The writing’s bearable, though the execution of the plot needs work. Stop making characters say stupid things. There’s promise to the characterization as what you did with Spike was both funny and charming. Look at what you did there and keep that in mind. things like that are the sprinkles on top of a good plot.

- Timefly
>> No. 97787
>>97785
> I can't say which ones are particularly germane to sentence structure, but it's a common enough issue that I would think at least one would cover it. If not, Split and I will try to find something better suited to what you want.
That'll do nicely. Much appreciated.

> I'm also in the IRC #ttg and #fic channels (link at the top of the thread) nearly every night if you'd prefer to chat there, or we can arrange to chat in doc. Any and all methods are fine.
I'll probably go with email if that's alright. I'm never normally on at practical times with chat. Again, thanks.


> I just feel that there's nothing from canon to suggest a religious attitude toward the Princesses, but that's my personal taste. Don't change your fic to suit my opinion. It's certainly a valid interpretation.
I completely agree. I just always see people doing the 'goddess' interpretation so I'd thought I'd take it up a notch.
>> No. 97793
File 133479452833.png - (74.40KB , 473x439 , Vanner avatar.png )
97793
>>96994

Making a claim on this one
>> No. 97800
>>97785

Thanks. I just sent you a message in Google Docs (I saw you hanging around the TG Queue), but in case you don't get that, I wanted to let you know I've given my story a once over and polished it a bit more, so it should be in better shape before you review it.

Thanks again!
>> No. 97803
Tags: [Adventure] [Comedy] [Slice-of-Life]

Description: (As it appears on FimFiction)
After an unfortunate incident involving Rainbow Dash and herbal tea,
Fluttershy wakes up one morning to discover that she has turned into a rabbit!
With her friends unaware of her plight, Fluttershy must turn to Angel bunny to guide her
on her quest to restore her original form. In the process, she is given the oppurtunity
to experience everyday life in Ponyville from a whole new perspective,
and discovers that there is much more to her friends' pets than she ever expected.


Links: DA- http://pegasusrescuebrigade.deviantart.com/#/d4wfs2s
FimFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/20405/Fluttershy%27s-Bad-%26quot%3BHare%26quot%3B-Day

Chapter: Only the first currently exists.

Comments:
I hope this was submitted properly. I'm new to Ponychan.
I'm here because I have been instructed to come here by our benevolent fanfiction overlords, the Equestria Daily prereaders.
So basically, I'm just looking for reviews from anyone, so I can be sure that the next time I send in this chapter,
it's ready for Equestria Daily.

Here's a copy-paste of exactly the message I recieved from my prereader:

~~~~START PREREADER MESSAGE~~~~

Dear Author: Good evening, and welcome to the EQD review process. I'm Pre-reader Self Insert, and I'll be your host.
Unfortunately, I cannot recommend this for posting at the present time.

[List of Issues]1) Awkward phrasing. I know WHY you did it; you're trying to set up the misunderstanding. But that reads poorly, just the same. Is there any other way you can do this?
Just make sure you use none from the top shelf."
2) Punctuation and capitalization errors. You do this a lot... you need to fix it. Comma after 'kid', and lower-case the C.
"Hey, kid." Came a voice.
"What are you saying?" He asked testily. (Lower case the 'He')

3) Random punctuation errors. You forget your close-quotes in places.

4) Rushing the Plot. You've got a chance for comedic gold here. Don't squander it. Why have Fluttershy uncork 'The Stare' so soon? Let her experience life as a bunny for a bit. Show us what her animal friends do when she's not around. Have her participate a bit! THEN use 'The Stare'.


[Suggested Fixes]
Above all else, you need an editing sweep. Take this on over to Ponychan and ask for a review; they'll help you get it sorted. I -strongly- recommend you re-write this, however... and THEN ask for the review. Adding an entire segment about Fluttershy exploring the bunny city, etc... seeing what they do when she's not around? That's -gold- right there. Don't waste it.


When you resubmit, please include a link to the review thread so we can take a peek.


-Pre-reader Self Insert

~~~~END PREREADER MESSAGE~~~~

Now some Good news! Most of this has already been addressed! I fixed the awkward wording he mentioned in #1, and fixed as many
capitalization and punctuation errors as I could find. What I haven't adjusted yet is the actual storyline, and here's why.

1). One thing the prereader mentions is the early use of "The Stare". Honestly, I went with that because it seemed to be the best way for Fluttershy to prove her identity,
since Angel didn't believe her based on her appearance alone. I do not have any major use for the stare in the later plot of the story (which is already planned out for the most part),
so I didn't see a reason NOT to use it now, since I don't need it later.
2.)In the suggested fixes, the prereader tells me to let Fluttershy visit the bunny city. OF COURSE I'm going to do that. I just don't want to do it in chapter 1. She's going to spend the entirety of chapter 3 there, so hold that thought, Mr. Prereader.
Let's just concentrate on getting this chapter onto EQD and then I'll do that, I promise.

So, to the reviewer: I hope you guys will take the time to look for... well... anything else! If you find any more technical (spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc.) errors,
don't hesitate to point them out. If you have a better way for Fluttershy to prove her identity other than the Stare, you could let me know.
And of course, just give any other feedback, even stuff that the prereader didn't mention.
Then hopefully this will be ready for EQD.
Thanks!
~Pegasus Rescue Brigade
>> No. 97810
Hi... I'm back again. After the last review, I decided that the most necessary thing was to completely overhaul this fanfic. The majoirty of it has been rewritten, and the two elongated chapters have now been split up into four shorter chapters.

Title: The Sweetest Gem
Name: The Rarispy
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Shipping]
[Currently Incomplete]

Synopsis: It's no secret to almost everyone in Ponyville that Spike has a crush on Rarity, but little does he know that Rarity's little sister may in fact harbor similar feelings for him. However, Sweetie Belle is unsure of how to react to her first crush, and Spike is beginning to see things in a new light himself.

Links:
Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BWNRzXdeEiLNM3Rqq8FvNhUcG-sFRMqD01TRG1hEjEo/edit
Chapter 2:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UQMyc_2kv4ZzwmbKcXJO74QRHlKOIh3yYXDrn_JJz8I/edit
Chapter 3:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QyHZx0ELexQJ_yA4h5w1Rs1-vw0R19C_JGR3GZfrUlE/edit
Chapter 4:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1h9Phls4h3JX7Op4kENAQnccqF4amTfa1L3scCSc59-c/edit
(I would prefer it if all of these chapters could be reviewed.)

Comments/Requests:
Equestria Daily: Initial draft felt dry, needed help on 'show vs. tell' and characterization.
First review from Vanner: Issues with pacing and making active yet non-telling descriptions, speech tags, run-on sentences.
Second review from Striker: Not enough romantic language, more details on the origin of Sweetie's crush, emphasis on characters and their inner drives.

This rewrite is largely based off of Striker's comments and suggestions, however I'm willing to let anyone take a crack at it. I'd especially like to know if I'm still having problems with the characterization and passive voice, both of which seem to be my biggest weaknesses.
>> No. 97814
>>97774
I see you're in the home stretch. I'll warn you now to keep your epinephrine pen close at hand, given your allergy to adverbs. (And I was hoping for a little more reaction to Rainbow's supposed aunt, given your fondness for a certain punctuation mark.)
>> No. 97822
File 133480224517.png - (176.88KB , 498x273 , paradiselost.png )
97822
OKAY! The First Episode is up and ready to be reviewed! YAY!

Title: Paradise Lost
Author: RaptorSenior
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Dark, Adventure, Alternate Universe

Synopsis:A lie begets a lies, and the world is protected by one. When a mysterious entity threatens to wipe out all of Existence, the only hope lies in Twilight Sparkle, with the help of Guide-in-training Jazz. Together, they must find out what Destiny has in store for all of them, before it's too late.

TO BE REVIEWED: Episode I: A Grand Accompaniment

Requests: A thorough, in-depth review. Someone that will take the story down a few notches whilst still helping me to improve it.

LINK:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LRywChIFXkSMm3XajHeAh5OoufIP92jrrfs_ESlVUSI/edit
>> No. 97825
File 133480350961.jpg - (163.20KB , 832x1000 , Ancient_sorcerer___finished_by_Shockbolt.jpg )
97825
Greetings, Jake The Army Colt. Welcome to my chamber.

I am the Keeper of the Horsemen, and yes THOSE Horsemen.

In an attempt to reach out to humanity before it ultimately is destroyed by my disciples, I am reaching out to give a helping hand to authors so that they may be able to finish their works before the End Days.

I claim your story, and may Death not see you 'till you are ready.
>> No. 97826
File 133480434414.jpg - (45.89KB , 1000x562 , mlfw1266_large.jpg )
97826
Hey, I've finally got the prologue for my story done (I'm a slow writer). This is my first fanfic, but I'm hoping it reads alright.

Title: Synthesis
Name: Znex
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Dark][Adventure][HiE][Slice of Life]

Synopsis: After reluctantly volunteering to play-test for a new "virtual reality" pony MMO, Andrew is violently ripped from the universe and thrown into Equestria. When he awakens as a pony within the mysterious Everfree Forest, he soon finds that the only way to get back to Earth is to engage on a quest to the legendary wizard Starswirl the Bearded, who supposedly lies asleep somewhere in the Frozen North.

Though there remain some unanswered questions for Andrew - who threw him into Equestria, and why? Who are all these multicoloured pastel ponies with odd names? What is this place, filled with so many wonders? And who is the eccentric unicorn who lives beneath the Everfree Forest with his numberless gadgets?

Links:
Fimfiction link:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/7675/Synthesis (needs password: ohaireader)
Google Docs link:
Prologue:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wj5GEP-4XOTLNSl6eqB0NXMI828dcWI46NabHsm9Muo
>> No. 97828
File 133480463871.png - (471.26KB , 700x900 , KeeperOfTheHorsemen.png )
97828
>>97826

Since my presence still abounds in this thread, I will also take yours.

Maybe War will be lenient with you, but I can't recall him ever being so.

Your review will arrive in the coming days.
>> No. 97830
File 133480483493.png - (471.26KB , 700x900 , KeeperOfTheHorsemen.png )
97830
>>97826

Unless you want me to send Death to your door, I suggest you fix your Google Docs link. There appears to be no story present.
>> No. 97833
>>97830
Whoops, sorry about that.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wj5GEP-4XOTLNSl6eqB0NXMI828dcWI46NabHsm9Muo/edit
>> No. 97838
[Grimdark][HiE]

Twilight knew Spike would start to grow up one day, but that doesn't make it any easier when it happens. She's sure Pinkie's right: he just needs some space, and he'll be just fine by himself while she spends some time with Celestia.

But the Princess has her own reasons for calling Twilight back to Canterlot. Dark forces are afoot: two travelers in the Everfree have woken dark forces beneath the Earth, forces of fire and steel.

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B4GwtWrskMSEZXlJbUlzeGxpY1E

~~~

Dunno how many time this makes submitting this chapter, but I'll keep going till I get it right, so help me ;-)

In the process of adding additional scenes to this chapter, the sucker has swollen to nearly twice the previous chapters in word count. I'm considering splitting it up, actually, and if the reviewer who picks this up agrees, I'd appreciate an opinion on where it ought to be split.

In advance, I thank you :-)
>> No. 97840
>>97838
This fic is recommended by Eustatian Wings. You will laugh so hard when you realize what it's a crossover with.

And you will cry, too, at the bittersweet.
>> No. 97844
File 133480950254.png - (1.18MB , 1919x1080 , 132701544395.png )
97844
>>97838
Wha?

... I swear... that I've seen this before. Like... months ago. Am I trippin here? Apologies to the author if I'm mistaken, but I think I recall trashing this one.

Author confirm/deny?
>> No. 97845
>>97844

The first instance of this story occurring in the Training Grounds Queue was October 15th 2011.
>> No. 97851
I dunno, but the first person to review the fic DID trash it when I offered up the first chapter here, so maybe that was you. That was before I took the awkward writing, lack of format and other such things to heart and revised the Hell out of it, and out of my style, and after a second try here, I had another run on ponychan, and the fic was accepted to EQD.

Eustatian by far had the most positive reaction reaction, and I thank him for the recommendation, though it's not REALLY a crossover like he suggests, it just borrows some ideas and spirit from another work he and I enjoy.
>> No. 97871
File 133482025251.png - (471.26KB , 700x900 , KeeperOfTheHorsemen.png )
97871
Due to your Earthly needs, neither I nor the Horsemen have the time to review this work.

I apologize for this.
>> No. 97874
>>97871
Um, Okay.

So, does that mean the harbingers of the apocalypse didn't like it? Also, can someone else pick it up?
>> No. 97878
File 133482922668.jpg - (2.86KB , 162x114 , rainbow_cloud.jpg )
97878
The Sky's the Limit
[Sad][Shipping]
Description: Generic sad TwiDash.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1yBEr12QAbUkDmBEK8aeLZ57_dwKoPLNR9Oledz0WKyY/edit

Additional tags: TwiDash, longing, first person, nonlinear narrative

Notes: This has been given a cursory look by RogerDodger, Lightsideluc, CompendiumOfSteve, and Pascoite.

Questions I would like answered:
1. Is this too difficult to follow? The mixing of past and present tense is intentional.
2. If you were reading this casually, at what point(s) would you have Ctrl+W'd out of it, if applicable?
3. Does it drag at any point? Does it feel rushed at any point?
4. What would your opinion of this as a reader be?
>> No. 97880
File 133483215256.png - (206.81KB , 1443x1782 , CursorCharge.png )
97880
>>97402 "Malleable, Unbreakable: Diamond Tiara" by Hollyfern
>>97803 "Fluttershy's Bad 'Hare' Day" by PegasusRescueBrigade

Saw some tags I like. Grabbin' these two short things. I'll have both of your reviews to you within 48 hours.

Check out my reviewer statement in the meantime: http://derpy.me/uQgc1
>> No. 97884
File 133483915609.png - (471.26KB , 700x900 , KeeperOfTheHorsemen.png )
97884
>>97874

Tis not that we did not enjoy it. It's premise is interesting. Do not take it in such a way that it was not.
>> No. 97890
>>97878

You would think that only around a year's experience on this board and consistently dealing with the exact same problem would train you to unlock documents before posting.
>> No. 97893
My review of "Fallout Equestria: Rules of Engagement" (>>97553) has been acknowledged via doc comments.
>> No. 97895
>>97884
Okay then. But, "Due to my Earthly Needs." Does that mean it has too many flaws, and you don't have the time?

I apologize profusely, Dear Horseman. I seek not to incur your wrath. I simply do not understand your ways, and I suffer from a terrible affliction, Everything-I-Write-Is-Crap Syndrome. I blame your colleague Plague, but that's beside the point. I merely wish to ensure my product is of high quality.
>> No. 97901
File 133484884510.png - (471.26KB , 700x900 , KeeperOfTheHorsemen.png )
97901
>>97895
Allow me to explain in this way:

Time is a corporeal thing, and Father Time is never lenient with it. As such, I must function within its limits with the Horsemen.

As you can possibly imagine, my job as the Keeper is extremely time consuming. I may send out War to inspect your story at a later date, but he is very busy on your world right now.
>> No. 97902
>>97901
It is a matter of time and time alone. I must take my allotted amount and use it on one story at a time.

If it's a matter of grammar, then send it to the Proofreading thread. I'm sure you will receive great help there.
>> No. 97903
>>97902
No, I'm confident (enough) in my grammar for that to wait. I mainly want opinions in how it flows, show don't tell issues, and general feel.

I completely understand your time constraints, dear Horseman. Apocalypse ain't easy, I'd imagine. However, if you can find time between the Fifth and Sixth Seals, and you care to, I'm always looking for a new set of eyes on.
>> No. 97904
File 133485320837.png - (471.26KB , 700x900 , KeeperOfTheHorsemen.png )
97904
>>97903

Hm. I applaud your sincerity.

Very well then, you have re-garnered my attention. I shall have Pestilence look over your work.
>> No. 97905
>>97904
Expect him to have your work done in the coming days.

Father Time will scorn me for this, but you have persuaded me otherwise.
>> No. 97906
Title: The Friendship Bracelet
Author: GodotTheWanderer
Tags: Sad
Synopsis: Sweetie Bell remenscieses about an old friend that she lost. Could she have done something different?
Type: One-Shot
Link to the story:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VCGpsbliD9Ztn9UOewDkmsGgWyOrbIIOh0nLI8_kIqk/edit

Comments: Getting a review for my story. Thanks in advance to whoever takes it.

I believe this story is very telling but I'm not sure how to fix it. Perhaps whoever reviews this could give me some suggestions? The way the story currently sounds, I feel like the narrator is talking to someone else.
>> No. 97910
>>97905
Noble Horseman, I can ask no more than what you have to offer. Please thank your minion for me.
>> No. 97911
>>97880
Thank you Ezn.

I'm interested to see what you have to say, even though it's only the first chapter.
>> No. 97913
File 133485595382.png - (878.15KB , 638x790 , Rinzler.png )
97913
>>97878
I wish to claim this. I do not have authorization to view this.

>>97906
I am claiming this for now.
>> No. 97915
>>97906
sad = mine

Between current claims and follow-up help, I've got a bit of a queue at the moment, but I'll work this one in as soon as I can.
>> No. 97917
File 133485694890.png - (878.15KB , 638x790 , Rinzler.png )
97917
>>97915
So be it. I'm dropping my claim on >>97906 and waiting for authorization on >>97878.
>> No. 97918
File 133485706262.jpg - (55.54KB , 600x667 , 1331838239515.jpg )
97918
This thread pleases Trixie immensely.

As an update to both the maintainers and the author, Trixie has completed her review of the preceding chapters, and will now continue on to the actually requested chapter 2.

Hm, Trixie'll have to put on a good show for such a thread...
>> No. 97919
>>97917
Sorry, I had already tagged it in the spreadsheet, but took a while to make a post. Feel free to review it as well. The more, the merrier.
>> No. 97935
File 133486381675.gif - (809.65KB , 549x549 , 4dbed27f47b862d92deaf83a1d0d652c.gif )
97935
THE GREAT AND POWERFULSTATS
>Unclaimed: 6
> Reviews waiting for acknowledgment: 11
>Reviews in progress: 17

REVIEWS AWAITING ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Arbarano | >>96122 | 4/9/2012 | | 3/16/2012 | Rarity's Vacation From Herself | SwiperTheFox | >>91377
Grif | >>97136 | 4/15/2012 | | 3/20/2012 | Blazing Run through the Animal Kingdom | Arby Works/Mr. Masato | >>91786
"Eustatian requesting second opinion | >>95198 | 4/4/2012 | | 3/31/2012 | The Seven Tribes | Mechcolt | >>94214
Zamoonda | >>95475 | 4/6/2012 | | 4/4/2012 | Ancient Dangers | goldar | >>95152
Snarkle & R | >>97350 >>97258 | 4/16/2012 | | 4/5/2012 | Free at last | Pinkamina_daine_pie | >>95266
R | >>97300 | 4/16/2012 | | 4/5/2012 | The Winter War | Anrichan | >>94319
Golden Vision | >>95564 | 4/6/2012 | | 4/6/2012 | Pony Party | Khakispony | >>95538
Pav Feira | >>97671 | 4/18/2012 | | 4/13/2012 | ...But the Kitchen Sink | Dubs Rewatcher | >>96747
Pav Feira | >>97494 | 4/17/2012 | | 4/13/2012 | Echos Of The Past | Hawksight01 | >>96845
Eustatian | >>97661 | 4/17/2012 | | 4/14/2012 | The Mare's Guard | LunarShadow | >>96946
Timefly | >>97786 | 4/18/2012 | | 4/14/2012 | The Refugee | Hazencruz | >>96961

REVIEWS IN PROGRESS

The Great and Powerful Trixie | | | | 3/25/2012 | Daring Do and the Alicorn's Shadow | Crowind | >>92980
108Echoes | | | | 4/4/2012 | The journey | Jazzyfeather | >>95135
Casca | | | | 4/6/2012 | The Crescendo of a Storm | Bearycool | >>95667
Dromer | | | | 4/8/2012 | Aetiology | cause&effect and smoulderfly | >>95944
Pav Feira | | | | 4/9/2012 | Ancient Dangers | goldar | >>96165
DuncanR | | | | 4/9/2012 | The Write Stuff | Hyperexponential | >>96199
Cassius | | | | 4/9/2012 | Friends of the Dawn | Vanner | >>96127
Vanner | | | | 4/14/2012 | The Solar Enigma | Lionheart07 | >>i96994
Keeper of the Horsemen | | | | 4/15/2012 | Bloodline Chapter Two | Jake The Army Guy | >>97148
Halcyon | | | | 4/15/2012 | Breaking the Chains | I_Post_Ponies | >>97165
Pascoite | | | | 4/16/2012 | The Pursuit of Happiness | Nicholas Taylor | >>97252
Hyperexponential | | | | 4/16/2012 | Biased and Incomplete | Duncan R | >>97298
Ezn | | | | 4/16/2012 | Malleable, Unbreakable: Diamond Tiara | Hollyfern | >>97402
Ezn | | | | 4/18/2012 | Fluttershy's Bad "Hare" Day | Pegasus Rescue Brigade | >>97803
Keeper of the Horsemen | | | | 4/18/2012 | Synthesis | Znex | >>97826
R | | | | 4/19/2012 | The Sky's the Limit | Filler | >>97878
Pascoite | | | | 4/19/2012 | The Friendship Bracelet | Godot the Wanderer | >>97906


UNCLAIMED

| | | | 4/15/2012 | Priority: Equestria | Cainiam | >>97134
| | | | 4/16/2012 | It's All In Your Head | Ponyman | >>97772
| | | | 4/17/2012 | My Little Pirates: Luffy's Adventures in Equestria | Fullmetal Pony | >>97534
| | | | 4/18/2012 | The Sweetest Gem | The Rarispy | >>97810
| | | | 4/18/2012 | Paradise Lost | RaptorSenior | >>97822
| | | | 4/18/2012 | Black Equinox | JDude | >>97838
>> No. 97954
>>97822
I'd like to point out that this looks like it has already been reviewed, yet the author has not made any changes.

Author, It'd probably be better if you fix everything your last reviewer pointed out before submitting or asking for another reviewer. (Either from TTG or elsewhere.)

Thanks.
>> No. 97965
>>97954
I submitted this at the same time as I did with the other reviewer. This is here just for someone who can just see what the other missed. I am rewriting it as a separate doc at the moment, so as I do the more help I receive on this version, the better.
>> No. 97969
Title: Three Little Words
Author: Arbarano
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Normal][Sad]
Synopsis: Waking up after a particularly wild party, Pinkie Pie soon finds her whole world has gone a little bit weird, and its all thanks to three little words.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-l9lTCrWQBNF94vmXkqoZjzuRP0pajt4ueTGCfEuVSw/edit
Chapters: It's a one-shot :)
Comments: The Equestria Daily pre-reader said: “Now, content wise it's fine. I like the twist, but I think you could do more to make the dream even more absurd towards the end. Less things making sense faster. Dashie's part is perfectly creepy, but up until then I was just kind of meh-ing on the plot. It is a tad slow. If you can amp up the weird/rd-absurdness in the Teaparty just a tad, it would bump the fic up at least half a star, IMO. It's not needed but would probably help it a bit. Look forward to seeing this back!”

(Just to clear, I’ve already been through what they said in the previous sections of their comment (they were kind enough to point out a fair few grammar errors for me :) ) as well as the suggested addition and edited accordingly, but I’m still not sure about most of the story

Thank you :) )
>> No. 97988
>>97810

I think I'll take this one on next. :)

I'll try to be more prompt this time around.
>> No. 97991
Title: Let The Rumors Fly

Author/screen name: Baron Von Clop

E-mail: [email protected]

Tags: Shipping, Romance

Synopsis: Shameless Fluttershy/Rarity shipping story. Fairly straightforward - after her attempt at dating Blueblood at the Gala, dates with stallions get progressively worse. Hounded by the media for a good story, she decides to date someone she has feelings for, instead of trying to force a relationship with a stallion to keep appearances up.

List of links to the story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/15517/Let-the-Rumors-Fly

Chapters: Both

Comments/requests: I submitted this to EqD and was rejected. The only reason (that I was given, anyway) for being rejected was that they didn't feel the relationship was believable. To quote the pre-reader:

"If your fic can't convince me it has an answer for why Rarity's in love with Fluttershy, it'l have a hard time convincing the readers, too. Invent some backstory, perhaps. Elaborate on some key scene in the past that kindles Rarity's feelings for Fluttershy. And consider working at it from the opposite angle, too -- though we don't have to read from Fluttershy's point of view, there are two sides to a pairing. We'll have to know not only what Fluttershy thinks about dating Rarity, but also how receptive she'd be to it from her past experiences."

The pre-reader also had problems with homophobia being mentioned. To quote:

"Perhaps homophobia exists in Equestria, but it should probably come from more reputable sources than Canterlot tabloids. I don't see why gay/lesbian pairings'd be discriminated against in Equestria, even though there's an even amount of evidence (read: none) that suggests homosexuals would suffer insults and the like. This is a deep topic with no real answer -- so perhaps I'd suggest you drop the whole "fillyfooler" tabloid campaign altogether. You can still have the paparazzi disparage Rarity's dating abilities and her choice in stallions and still have her pick up Fluttershy as her romantic interest."

While I would absolutely adore getting a general review (nobody but this pre-reader has ever critiqued this work, and I honestly expected them to be much harsher), in particular I'd like for my reviewer to point out places where the backstory and in-story relationship is weak and where it needs to be built up to believeable. I have a couple of ideas, myself, but I've never been a really heavy editor so I'm afraid by going in blindly and making changes I'll make it worse.

Thank you so much!
>> No. 97996
>>97785

>This reads like a newspaper headline.
Yeah, you're right. The thought I had was "Cable Info Button Words", but it DOES need to be more interesting.

>The concept's interesting and relatively unique
Tarnish and his two siblings are a huge part of the story, and are a big focus on the events surrounding the refugee. The UnGods are one of the main reasons I decided to write this story.

>Your interesting concept is limited by how your executing the plot.
I'm glad someone gave it to me straight. Now that you show me this, the plot is very cliche and boring...it needs a lot more spice.

>The whole story feels so mechanical. Part A moves into Part B moves into Part C
This is a really big personal demon for me. Everything I write sounds like a list of events, and I'm not sure how to fix this. If anyone has any pointers, I'm open to suggestions.

>Why does Celestia suddenly become all melancholy and brooding?
This really doesn't make any sense, does it? This will be changed.

>Tarnish is supposed to be this wise, omniscient demigod thing, yet he talks like an old, frisky pervert
Though I suppose I need to express this to the reader in a better way, Tarnish is supposed to be a number of things. Among them, he has a human side complete with emotions and care, and a side that is more static and uncondtional, like a force. Both sides are constantly falling in and out of power over the other and that is why he changes so often. This whole thing may need to be overhauled due to the fact that it may be too convoluted to portray in writing (due to my limited skills).

>Rainbow generally seems off in the way that she doesn’t seem to be very cocksure or arrogant
Rainbow was responding to a disaster. I believe she has been known to panic a time or two. I must respectfully disagree with her actions being un-like her in this instance.

>Maybe give her some motive to act in such a manner given the circumstance.
Though this may not be such a bad Idea.

>For lack of a better name; Huff McGruff (‘The Refugee’)...
What I was trying to hint at here (obviously I didn't do it very well) was that The Refugee is indeed a very socially stunted character, and he is not very good at making friends. This was supposed to also hint at the fact that there may have been a reason he was beaten and/or bullied.

>Describe him to us, what does he look like? Who the heck is he?
You're right again, I need to flesh him out more...he's going to be a big character.

>It’s like all the characters have been struck with the dumbstick.
Yeah...I see this now. I do need to be a little more subtle. I'm used to writing for a comic book some friends and I are working on, and we can use art to fill in some of the blanks...this may be some of my problem (where I'm trying to compensate for things we can show with art, with dialogue). I will definitely work on this.

> "Boy...SURELY you jest!"
Ending does need work. You're right. And so does this closing dialogue.

> ...as he wheeled himself up...
I'll change this.

> ...meet the man...
No, Tarnish isn't a pony. He's a humanoid creature. I chose this because I thought it would make the reader's image of him seem out of place and strange, which he is supposed to be. I need to elaborate on this more.

> ...and rotted...
Rust is considered "Metal Rot" where I come from. I guess no one else has heard of this?

> into Equestria...", she said, placing her front hooves on the windowsill, "...I felt as though
There's that old comic style dialogue. I know traditionally there's no need for the ellipsis, but it makes it easier for me to read/follow. I may keep them, I don't know.

>All in all, there’s potential. You’ve got a good concept. The writing’s bearable, though the execution of the plot needs work. Stop making characters say stupid things. There’s promise to the characterization as what you did with Spike was both funny and charming. Look at what you did there and keep that in mind. things like that are the sprinkles on top of a good plot.
Execution needs fixing, use spike's characterization for an example. More showing, less telling. I think I can handle that. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and give me these tips. It really means a lot.
If you would send me an email ([email protected]) so we can communicate that way, I would appreciate it if you'd look over it once more when I'm finished editing it! =]
>> No. 97998
>>97890
I posted the wrong damn link. I'm not sure which is worse.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1S7wihUxySWS7VvfJo68AIkLJnWK1m2Ya2yHHK6gGGRo/edit

>>97917
Thanks.
>> No. 98006
>>97996
Sure you included the right link, dude?
>> No. 98009
File 133488404042.png - (302.49KB , 513x308 , Rinzler 2.png )
98009
>>97998

I didn't notice much wrong with the grammar in this. My only real concern is your second line:
>The sound of water dripping, drop by drop, down the edge of the metal pipe and into the rippling puddle below.
Even for Rainbow Dash, this is too long of a run-on sentence. However, it's the second line of the story, and she hasn't been explicitly established as the narrator yet. Consider revising.

Also, I found an improper comma:
>The Alabaster Angel only came once a year, and luckily for me, it was just in the next town over, Fillydelphia.
the comma before "Fillydelphia" should be a colon.


You had some odd stylistic choices that took me out of the story:
>I plant a hoof in her mouth
First and foremost, the rest of your "normal" story is in the past tense, so suddenly changing to present tense is wrong. The phrasing on this sentence also gives imprecision: is she inserting her hoof into her friend's mouth? Then "plant" is probably an ineffective verb.

My next discrepancy is, do these beings have "arms" or "forelimbs?"
>out from under her arms
makes me think of hands for some reason, especially given the user-like manner in which ponies sleep.

On the whole, the pseudo-artistic "falling" parts of this story don't add anything to the story. They detract, in that they add an ambiguity about the order of events: every time you cut away from the main story at hand, you need to reestablish where you are when you cut back. You don't specifically establish when and where the flying parts are, though, so it's more like reading a corrupted partition table on a hard drive: meaningful data (your story) is there, but there's no overarching order keeping them all together. Consider omitting them from the story outright.

Especially early on in the story, you have several vague uses of the word "this," where it wasn't entirely obvious as to what "this" referred to.
>This wasn’t working.
Whining? Twilight being asleep? Rainbow Dash's efforts of waking Twilight? All are viable options, none are specified.
>She’s the bookish type, so I guess that it’d only be natural for her to want to go to something like this.
A... stunts show? This doesn't make sense.

Another overarching point is that your Rainbow Dash voice is inconsistent. It's mostly the self-confident, energetic voice of the character from the show, which gets a pass on some of the small sentence fragments spread throughout this story. However, you parse in several deviations from this that make it difficult to believe that Rainbow Dash is saying the words:
>Twilight did not seem very interested in the Alabaster Angel
is too formal
>Like an impatient mother leading her sleepy child through her morning rituals
is too formal

The "egg-on its side" method of describing the stadium wasn't quite clear. Is it oblong like that? Is it a giant, floating "C?" Why is Rainbow Dash obsessed with eggs?

You also introduce scenery in a passive tense, which is an option, but like passive tense in general, it can be reworked:
>Between these walkways were soft grassy patches with a bunch of different kinds of flowers growing all over the place, and the sky above was painted a soft cerulean blue.
really could be split, or even better, reduced. It's very long. "Soft, flowery patches of grass lined the walkways beneath the blue sky.
>The sun was setting and the moon was rising.
"The sun set; the moon rose."

The first time you said the title of your story in the writing didn't work. Title drops are dangerous ground at best, as they're cliche, but your thought process of this paragraph:
>But I fell then, just like I’m falling now. I flew too close to the sun and I got burned, as she'd say. It’s like they say: the sky’s the limit.
flows: "I fell. Why I fell. I can do anything." This optimism is out of place given the tone of the paragraph.


I'm concerned with Twilight Sparkle's motivations for not wanting to accompany her friend to a stunt performance. They're friends. Why would it take so much effort for Rainbow Dash to convince her friend, especially after Twilight Sparkle agrees to go in the first place?

This is tied to the main problem with this story: nothing lasting occurs. I'm not saying you need to wrap this up with a "Dear Princess Celestia" letter, but at the same time, Rainbow Dash fails to get the attention of her female crush, "but it's okay." Twilight Sparkle blows her friend off pretty badly, "but it's okay." The story here "ends" without any real conflict resolution other than "Twilight Sparkle shows Rainbow Dash an evening-based weather pattern," but given the zero amount of conflict that came before that, it's not as much "resolution" as much as it is "oh, that's nice."

Which, it was a cute scene from what I can tell, but it had no emotional or character depth. I could literally strip the first few pages of the story away and leave only that scene, and since this is a fanfiction where the characters are pre-established, nothing would be lost.

Using the title as a line in the story a second time in that scene was better, but still markedly sub-par.

This story needs a proper conclusion.
>> No. 98012
I have gotten one review of this before, I just want a second perspective on this.
Title: Reconciliation
Tags: Sad
Synopsis: Over Fifty years after the events of the show, Twilight Sparkle returns to Ponyville, now a bustling city, to meet with her friends one last time.
Note: As said in the subject I am requesting a brutal tear up of this story.
Links:
CH 1:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wVjoCTElI4wjulTnRPiODFcqPT-e_WPth12rRv8P8EM/edit
Ch 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xn_xfFsacGSnjajlqE1jED5lduZm2xK49XzsVFzR-wk/edit
Ch 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WzcEkcmhZw7oZCb61bXkMDH52UfjpRIUjc_Z-Z85exc/edit
>> No. 98014
File 133488553521.jpg - (9.36KB , 480x360 , my_machines.jpg )
98014
...But the Kitchen Sink:
>>96747
>>97671
>>97995
Review acknowledged on previous thread.

------

Ancient Dangers:
>>96165
>>97407
Dropping. Link is still broken and author hasn't gotten back to me yet.

------

OP:
>>97756
Trixie: This is The Great And Powerful Trixie's thread!
Twilight: Trixie, please, we just—
Trixie: Trixie's thread!
Pinkie: Whose thread is it?
Trixie: Trixie's thread!
Dash: How is that helpful...
>> No. 98019
>>97786
>>98006
Whoops!
>> No. 98020
File 133488846886.jpg - (77.34KB , 600x421 , ha-ha-ha.jpg )
98020
>>95667
How long does it take me to review 3000 words? Apparently, a week. Aye caramba.

Pic unrelated.

Line-by-line in doc.

Let's start with the biggest confusion I'm experiencing with your story: your tone.

Gallant has a very poetic-y tone as a narrator. He rambles a lot on himself and on scenes. There's an imbalance in this because when the story progresses into actions - when they actually talk and do stuff - the prose suddenly loses its dream-like quality and turns dry. Not the actual dialogue, but the way it's presented - the "She did this and this. I did this and this" manner that's overly telly to, er, counter the overly showy descriptions. And yet, I can't determine whether it's "overly" showy or not, because I recognize that sort of style from Lolita. Humbert Humbert is a narcisstic, well-educated, almost romantic pedophile, and he rambles on about tiny details and adds a lot of his own opinions to the story. That's the sort of voice I associate Gallant's with - certainly strong, romantic and all artist-y like, but not likeable.

The parts that I labelled "Pret" indicate this, where Gallant is being, if one would look at it that way, pretentious - he gives the reader a bunch of details irrelevant to the plot, and it seems like he's indulging himself in memories rather than actually telling a story. Mind, I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of tone, in both writing and reviewing. I'm a proponent of trimming the fat. I can't, however, tell where the line between fat and tone is with your fic. Some readers may like it. Some have too short attention spans and will get impatient. I'm not sure which one I am, so I can't give you anything more conclusive than a stream-of-thought of someone in the middle. For this, I apologize.

A lot of the comments were personal preference, and what ran through my mind. Aside from the dry presentation of the actions, the piece was rather well done. Word repetition was rife, but when the descriptions were relevant, they were not bad at all.

Another gripe I must take at ye is that it's been 3k words and nothing much has happened. Really, it's been just Gallant talking to himself and Gallant talking with Octavia. A piano was played. Talk. A walk on the beach. Talk. Nothing of considerable substance actually happened. There's little conflict, and the thing seems stagnant because there's no driving force. Gallant himself, from all the ellipses, "seemed to", "might have been"s, doesn't interest me because he feels limp. A bit like a mold of clay, and he sloshes around in a dreamy state. As a result, what matters to him doesn't matter to me. I can't empathize with him. Octavia's slightly better, but when they start talking about music, it's like 12-year-olds talking about the economy. You can't help but think that it's out of place.

However, that line you changed - the one where Gallant finally "hears" it - could be interesting. It caught my attention, I suppose, because it resembled magic, something definitely more special than the norm. If Gallant's ability to "hear" was presented as such - something a great deal more vivid, and effective, than his normal senses, something magical - well, I wouldn't know, but that's just a thought. You would need to introduce an exacting toll on him to remove the "spechul snowflake" result, but I digress.

I was distracted on many occasions away from this story. That's generally not a good sign. If you have a hook planned, introduce it earlier, something that makes me want to continue. A war, an epic scene, something that says "Hey! Find out what happened!" For some readers, your tone will do that for you. But if you're aiming for a broader audience, you'll need something more.

Of course, this is solely my opinion as a reader, and I have looked way too deep into some areas. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful than this, and I do recommend that you get a second opinion. If you have any questions, concerns, rebuttals, feel free to post 'em up.
>> No. 98035
>>98020
On the bright side, you take far less than the Samurai by a whole degree of magnitude.
>> No. 98042
>>97822
Making my claim official.
>> No. 98068
>>97522 >>97626
Detailed comments in doc.

Mechanics:
There were a few issues with misplaced modifiers, comma usage, and participial phrase abuse, but nothing too pervasive.

IIRC, I'm finding less of these things than I did the last time I reviewed one of your fics, so you do appear to be improving.

Style:
There were a few spots where sentence structure became repetitive within a paragraph, so keep a watch out for those.

You generally did a good job of showing, but a lot of it was skewed toward actions and dialogue. Try to add in a few more of the little things that add the last bit of spice to a scene. Here's a contrived example:

Bored: The character slumps forward in her seat and rests her chin on her hoof.
Good—the actions communicate her emotion indirectly.
Better—Her eyes drift slowly shut, then jerk open as she catches herself nodding off. Her other hoof drums on the tabletop as her leg fidgets against her seat.

You gravitate more toward large-scale actions, so consider places where you can add finer details that add flavor. The characters in the show are particularly expressive with their eyes and ears.

Characterization/Plot:
I'll deal with both together, as this fic is a character piece.

There were a couple of little things that nagged at me. I don't know that Fluttershy would be willing to leave her animals behind. Surely she'd arrange to bring them along, or line up a caregiver to take over for her. At the very least, I'd think Angel would go with her. Pinkie seemed awfully melancholy, considering that she's the one who can always find a reason to smile. It's a bit jarring to have them that different from canon so suddenly. When departing from canon (expected personality), it's the author's responsibility to make the change plausible through explanation or gradual transition.

It might be a nice touch for the two letters Twilight reads to include some mention of how frequently they've been exchanging letters, if only to show that Twilight's keeping up her end.

This should be particularly true with Celestia. Twilight shares a special friendship with the Princess, and if she hasn't been maintaining it, then she's being incredibly hypocritical about what she's demanding from her other friendships. It's explicitly said that Twilight hasn't made a friendship report in a long time, though of course that's not necessarily the only contact they've had.

At this point, I feel like I've taken a test I was dreading and found it easy. I must be missing something. Everything I've pointed out is somewhat nit-picky or relatively easy to fix. It may be worth getting another reviewer to look this story over to make sure I haven't missed the forest for the trees. However, there is one major issue for me.

The story never went anywhere. A conflict was established, Twilight grew increasingly frustrated with it, which built to a climax of sorts, and then... nothing. Her dilemma never led to any change or personal development of any kind. It's a realistic story about how someone deals with a loss of friendship, but she never really does deal with it. Does she actually send the letter she's writing, or is she just venting? Does she find a peace about her situation, or does it break her? Does she manage to find a more satisfactory way of maintaining her connections, or is she resigned to the fact that they will never improve? It feels more like a scene that a complete story because there's no resolution. Some fics can get away with leaving the conflict hanging in that manner, but it's unusual for it to work.

Decide what you want your story to say. Depending on how you want to answer those questions, a resolution could be as short as a couple of paragraphs, or extend for many more pages.

Final Thoughts:
I quite liked this story, and it kept me engaged, anticipating how Twilight was going to work through her problem. And then she didn't. That was the one thing that kept me from fully enjoying the fic.

That may just be me, though. I think you've captured Twilight's turmoil well. Keep writing and have fun with it.

And as a note, I wrote this one up, then Ponychan derped and lost it, so I had to type something up again, and it's really late. I hope it doesn't sound too unfocused, and I hope I remembered to make all the same points.
>> No. 98069
>>98068

Thanks for the review, and I'm glad you enjoyed the story! I'm hoping I can send it off to EqD soon after making some edits.

To address your points:

-You are right about Fluttershy and her animals. I'll have to mention what she does with them.

-Regarding Pinkie's attitude... I feel this is more up to debate. Pinkie Pie is great at finding things to make her smile, but I think losing her friends (a significant source of her happiness) and not being able to keep up with all the new ponies moving to town (something that she considers absolutely essential) would take a toll on her. Considering the situation, I didn't think a lot of explanation was necessary for her behavior to be justified. Like I mentioned in my response to your other review, I like to treat characters a bit more realistically when I write. Pinkie Pie is happy and peppy, but she isn't immune from sadness. She's still Pinkie Pie, of course, so I think it's plausible to have her bounce back after making a fresh start in Fillydelphia. All in all though, I'm glad that the events that pulled Twilight's friends away from Ponyville seemed believable to you.

-You've reasserted my concerns about the ending. Part of the abrupt ending was from the experimental nature of the piece, and part me being lazy and wanting to finish the story. I thought I would leave it and see how people responded. Now, I see I need to extend it a bit more. I wanted to imply that she doesn't deal with it, but now I see I need to make that more explicit. However, I do still want to leave things hanging a bit, so I'll need to strike a balance there. I think I could do something nice and symbolic along the lines of her smashing the picture frame against the wall. Might I ask if you have any tips on how to "break" a character, or is this something I'll have to discover on my own?

-I'm pretty sure she starts the letter with the intent of sending it, but it turns into her venting. I hope the transition was clear there (since "you" referred to Twilight's friends at the end, not Celestia). This will become clear when I extend the ending.

-Do you feel the story lives up to the synopsis, if that makes sense? Does the title fit?

-Glad to hear that I did a better job of showing from last time. I'll make sure to pay attention to those smaller details (something I've never been the best at).

-Are you able to pinpoint exactly what you feel you missed? Or is it just a nagging feeling? I'll try to describe what I was trying to say with this story:

-Time flies by; the good times will be over as soon as you know it. Nothing lasts forever.
-Memories are bittersweet; thinking of them will only make you long to experience them once more. I've never bought "memories last forever" type of resolutions. To shamelessly take a quote from one of my other fics: "There's no such thing as a purely happy memory of a lost pony; it will always be tainted with a longing that shall never be fulfilled."
-You may not even realize when you and your friends are beginning to drift apart (the brief Rainbow Dash flashback, and the end of the party scene).
-Seeing friends occasionally is painful compared to being able to see them constantly.
-Loyalty to friends, or loyalty to personal pursuits?
-Friends are the ultimate source of happiness from which all other joy sprouts from.
-Friendship isn't some all powerful mystical force.

Perhaps I need to bring one or more of these messages across better?

Again, thanks for the review, and sorry for the laundry list of points I've listed in this reply. I tend to be extremely elaborate when it comes to discussing my fics. I do appreciate the time you've spent helping me improve.
>> No. 98072
>>97967
Thank you for your review. You get an A+ for thoroughness, diligence, and candor. It's only right that you get a full and proper response, but you've given me a lot to respond to. I hope a token down payment will do for tonight. The rest will be forthcoming. (I beg your patience. There's a guy I owe a review, I'm behind in getting to it, and eventually he's going to start wondering where in hell it is.)

Your review gives me plenty to think about. I'll start with the most fundamental question. Is the story worth a reader's time? You found the plotline "very straightforward and predictable", whereas I would have hoped for the reader finding a couple of surprises. That does not bode well. I'm looking for a certain emotional response from the reader, and if I don't get it, the story doesn't work the way I want it to. The situation may look a little clearer after I've had some sleep, but at the moment it doesn't seem amenable to an easy fix.

If the plot can be fixed, or alternatively the story left as just a writing exercise, it seems to me the next major issue is the story's narrative voice. It will take me a bit of time to formulate a response to your concerns there.

I’ll have to leave things there for now. More will be forthcoming when I’m a little more rested.
>> No. 98073
Tags: [Normal][Shipping]

Plot: Acoustiana dealing with life as a musician that is mute, having to work with people not knowing hooflanguage and needing to constantly write things down for others. All the while feeling a sense of loneliness as nopony wanted to get close to her as they didn't know how, or didn't want to know how to understand hooflanguage. Those that made their honest effort to befriend Acoustiana found her to be pleasant and fun to be around, and she always enjoyed playing for them one of her many personal compositions. But even though her few friends would always be the realization that by the end of the day, she would be alone in the silence of her home, with her bed empty of happiness.

GDocs collection link (Only Part 5 is requested for review):
https://docs.google.com/open?id=0BxiK5DjD1JIOd2tKNUlwT29SZUtYYzc3SzluS3BrZw

Comments:
Part 5 is ready and good to go...for a review! A heads up, Pascoite already said he will be going over this, but in the off chance MORE reviewers want to give this a once over, here it is, otherwise I am sure he will be claiming it reguardless. BIG NOTE: I am posting this late as hell at night, I have only gone over this once in a proof read. I will be doing another in a day or so. It's 13k words...it was alot of work to write...let alone go through multiple times ><.
>> No. 98083
>>98009
>My only real concern is your second line:
>>The sound of water dripping, drop by drop, down the edge of the metal pipe and into the rippling puddle below.
>However, it's the second line of the story, and she hasn't been explicitly established as the narrator yet. Consider revising.
It's not a run-on sentence as much as it is a fragment, but I see what you're getting at.

>Also, I found an improper comma:
>>The Alabaster Angel only came once a year, and luckily for me, it was just in the next town over, Fillydelphia.
My grasp on grammar is tenuous at best, but I'm fairly certain I used the comma properly here. (e.g. "I got it from my teacher, Mr. Luther.")

>My next discrepancy is, do these beings have "arms" or "forelimbs?"
I'm one of the heretics who call them arms. If they have armscyes, I'd think they'd have arms. Though, I do use "foreleg" once. I will shortly be changing that to say "arm".

>A... stunts show? This doesn't make sense.
That it does not, because I missed a word there. Thanks.

>Another overarching point is that your Rainbow Dash voice is inconsistent.
I'll try to find where I do this.

>passive [voice]
70 instances of the word "was" in under 4,500 words. That does seem to be rather problematic.

>Title drops
Hm. That seems to be... an issue. The thing about the title drops in this fic aren't meant to be optimistic; they're meant to show an upper bound for Rainbow Dash, to show a ceiling she can't overcome. For her, the sky is literally a limit that pushes her down. That's my intention, at least.

>Twilight Sparkle's motivations
I see what you mean. That'll need to be fixed.

>This is tied to the main problem with this story: nothing lasting occurs.
>The story here "ends" without any real conflict resolution other than "Twilight Sparkle shows Rainbow Dash an evening-based weather pattern," but given the zero amount of conflict that came before that, it's not as much "resolution" as much as it is "oh, that's nice."
>On the whole, the pseudo-artistic "falling" parts of this story don't add anything to the story.
The conflict was supposed to be Rainbow Dash getting her hopes up, then having them dashed. I guess that's too weak?

>The story here "ends" without any real conflict resolution other than "Twilight Sparkle shows Rainbow Dash an evening-based weather pattern," but given the zero amount of conflict that came before that, it's not as much "resolution" as much as it is "oh, that's nice."
The story was supposed to end with the train home, and the last scene was supposed to happen before everything else chronologically. It's supposed to go:
1. The scene with RD and Twi under the sky. (Past tense.)
2. RD trying to reproduce that effect. (Past tense.)
3. RD taking Twilight to the competition. (Past tense.)
4. RD walking around, talking to Twilight. (Past tense.)
5. RD doing the actual trick. (Past tense.)
6. The first falling scene. (Present tense.)
7. The second falling scene. (Present tense.)
8. The train ride home. (Present tense.)
Was I too unclear about that, or is it still lacking resolution? Or both?

>Using the title as a line in the story a second time in that scene was better, but still markedly sub-par.
Might I ask what you mean by "sub-par"? I meant for this line to be more sad than "oh, that's nice", a goal which I appear to have completely missed.


This has been most insightful! Many thanks, though I would like my follow-up questions answered.
>> No. 98091
File 133492855206.png - (202.44KB , 1609x1456 , CursorLookatmyhoof.png )
98091
>>97402
Comments left in-doc, and some follow-up thoughts in this GDoc: http://derpy.me/mkbTS

tl;dr: Can't really say that much about the short first chapter story-wise, but there's some interesting stuff here. Not sure why it's [Comedy]. Please write more carefully.
>> No. 98092
File 133492857407.png - (183.34KB , 1475x1491 , CursorConcentrate.png )
98092
>>97803
Review is in this GDoc: http://derpy.me/AEYIw

tl;dr: Fun start to what feels like an interesting story, but could be more gripping. Few grammar issues.
>> No. 98095
Thank you for the review, Ezn, it was very helpful.

I don't think I need to go into great detail responding to most of what you said, since the majority of it is just specific grammar issues, which I plan to fix ASAP.

I don't understand your apparent dislike of semicolons, but I may cut back on them a bit.

In regards to storyline, I can probably find a way to extend Fluttershy's "identification" scene somewhat, but you are correct in thinking that the prereader's idea of making that into one of the major conflicts is not in my plans for the story. This still needs to reach the point that they already have by the end of chapter 1, so I can't really turn it into an extensive investigation on Angel's part.

The other plot problem is the "teasing" mention of the bunny city. I'll just remove that or something. They're going to visit there in chapter 3 after Angel's "acquaintance" in chapter 2 fails to provide Fluttershy with any immediate solution.

One thing that you didn't mention, that I am trying to make apparent to interest the reader, is that Angel is actively trying to prevent Fluttershy from finding out that he runs the bunny mob, because he's smart enough to know that she wouldn't take that well.

So, I believe that covers the major stuff. I'll get started on corrections, and prepare for resubmission to EQD.

(Speaking of EQD: I didn't even know it was possible to get a fanfic accepted on the first try! But apparently you've done it twice. I thought our prereaders went out of their way to make sure it failed at least once to force writers to make sure their work is perfect. Maybe I just need to edit better, because once my other story (Shipping and Handling) got onto EQD, it got 6-stars and did fantastically well overall. It just needed to be rejected once first.)

Thanks again for all the help!
~Pegasus Rescue Brigade
>> No. 98097
>>97838
>>97844

Interestingly enough, I remember reading your fic in the TG as well. I'm not sure if I gave a formal review or not.
>> No. 98098
>>98095
Glad you found the review useful!

>I don't understand your apparent dislike of semicolons, but I may cut back on them a bit.
Semicolons in dialogue, to be more specific. It's really just my personal feeling that using a "fancy" punctuation mark like a semicolon in the dialogue of someone who's not a writer or a learned (or a pretentious) person is a bit odd. Probably just a personal thing though, so don't worry about it too much.

(Although I would recommend spicing your punctuation up with more dashes – they are the best.)

>In regards to storyline, I can probably find a way to extend Fluttershy's "identification" scene somewhat, but you are correct in thinking that the prereader's idea of making that into one of the major conflicts is not in my plans for the story. This still needs to reach the point that they already have by the end of chapter 1, so I can't really turn it into an extensive investigation on Angel's part.
Sounds good. If you want to be extra certain that the prereader will "get it", it might be an idea to reply to their feedback email with responses (tell Seth to send them to the prereaders) or even to send an outline of your story to them.

>One thing that you didn't mention, that I am trying to make apparent to interest the reader, is that Angel is actively trying to prevent Fluttershy from finding out that he runs the bunny mob, because he's smart enough to know that she wouldn't take that well.
Ah, that. It's an interesting twist and I like it. When I get into reviewing mode, I don't always mention all of the stuff about a story I liked, because I'm so busy focusing on the stuff I didn't like and why. But yeah, that's a nice touch and it'll be interesting to see where it goes.

>Shipping and Handling
I've been meaning to read that one for a while.

>I didn't even know it was possible to get a fanfic accepted on the first try! But apparently you've done it twice. I thought our prereaders went out of their way to make sure it failed at least once to force writers to make sure their work is perfect.
In my experience, it really is mostly about editing. I crawled through the writing of my first chapter of my first submission for months before sending it in, and the second sub had its rough drafts looked over by around twenty people. That or I'm just lucky. But in any case, what matters is getting the story posted.

Good luck with the story and EqD!

Maintainers: >>98091 was acknowledged via email
>> No. 98099
>>98072

Dag-nabbit! You review was done a day ago, but I posted it in a thread that people stopped using. Clearly, this is because I am a dummy.

If you found and read that post already, you can ignore the rest of this one. Otherwise: It has been my pleasure to serve as your officially sanctioned reviewer.*

As I've said, this is my first attempt at reviewing a story. I left comments on your Google Docs doc to chronicle my first impressions and point out discreet errors. I’ve *also* assembled a summary of my overarching thoughts in a separate doc. If you have any problems, questions or insights, feel free to leave comments of your own:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D8p9pALDABbNLjN3umNOS4zEhbdJApYIBV2j5btrOQc/edit

One of my favorite bits of advice is: When you first publish a work, try to find out what the professional critics hate about it the most... then cultivate it. That is what makes your work original. I Don't know if it's good advice, but it's certainly gutsy! See the linked document for details.

PS: Good Gravy... the review is almost half as long as the original story. Methinks I’ve gotten a little carried away with myself. Do let me know what was, or was not, useful.

*Reviewer was not officially sanctioned by anyone, in any way, ever. Hitch-hiking reviewers may be escaped convicts.
>> No. 98103
Dang-it! Clearly, you *did* catch the original post. I fail at 'chans. Is there any way to delete a post? I tried clicking "delete," but no love there.

>Thank you for your review. You get an A+ for thoroughness, diligence, and candor.
You're very welcome. And thank you very much for the appreciation!

>I beg your patience. There's a guy I owe a review
Patience, I have in abundance. This will give me more time to review additional stories. I have a much longer story I'd like to submit for review, and may as well bank up some future karma while I can.

>Is the story worth a reader's time?
Has a dog the Buddha-nature or not? The *correct* question for you is: Which readers will find this worth their time? Some people *like* predictable plots, just as some people like sappy-happy endings or specific shipping-pairs. Look at the Twilight series: literary drivel, but it sold like hot-cakes. There is a reason sitcoms restore the status quo by the end of each episode. Also, I may have been standing too far away from the tapestry to see the individual threads... there may be smaller quirks and twists in your story that I didn't notice.

>If the plot can be fixed, or alternatively the story left as just a writing exercise, it seems to me the next major issue is the story's narrative voice.
This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I may have mentioned, but your choices are two-fold. Either *fix* the narrator by making him flat, broken and emotionless, or push it all the way and make him a loveable storyteller with vim and verve. If it were my choice, I'd tell you to stick with your strengths and find a way to emphasize what makes your story distinct: the narrator's voice. It's not what I'd do at all... but if your only flaw is "you aren't me," you're doing pretty good. :)
>> No. 98106
File 133493601325.png - (489.11KB , 800x600 , death_by_moni158-d46af0l.png )
98106
At the behest of the Keeper, I have looked over your work in my spare time. This is just the sum of my review, the line-by-line is in your Doc.

Plot and Setting - 8.75/10.00

The central storyline is rather interesting. They way you handled it as well was also very well done. However, I have a bone to pick with that protagonist of yours. The way he is constructed makes him seem like an ass. While I generally find these types of characters amusing, others may not. You might want to turn it down just a bit so that the reader doesn't get upset about your protag.

The other characters were also done well, and I'm surprised by how real they actually feel. Well done. However, they were soft of diminshed by describing them directly. I would suggest a sublte reveal of what they look like, just so you can get back to the story.

Grammar and Flow - 8.50/10.00

For a more thorough review of grammar, please visit the Proofreading thread run by Chocolate_Milk. What I saw dealt more with the beginning, but as you can see in the Doc comments, I started seeing less and less grammatical errors in it.

It flows well, and is constructed perfectly. Although, the opening scene threw me off a bit. As I have suggest in the Doc, try to make transitions between scenes a lot smoother.

That is all. I have souls to reap. I bid you adieu.
>> No. 98114
File 133493978152.png - (388.63KB , 830x650 , Mortis.png )
98114
I just posted a side-story to "Rorschach in Equestria" on ff.net and would like to get more views and reviews.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/14673/Hello%2C-My-Name-Is%3A-Mortis

Yes, this is an open attempt to get Ponychanners to read my ff.net publication. Why? Because the usual crowd at ff.net is way too nice, and I want to improve as a writer by getting truly helpful reviews.

Whoever picks this up, I would be extremely grateful if you could copy/paste your review into the comments section of the fic as well as posting it here, that way I am sure to see it no matter what happens to this thread. Thank you.
>> No. 98115
>>97969
Taking this then, while waiting for RaptorSenior to finish his rewrite.
>> No. 98118
>>98103
heh, I don't see too much of a big deal. If PC's giving you though love you can always report the post for deletion.
>> No. 98120
>>98068
>>98069
I remember one of the other points I wanted to make now.

I can see that these five characters are the friends that mean the most to Twilight, but look how quickly she befriended them. And in ten years since, she hasn't made any other good friends that would make her happy staying there? And certainly Twilight isn't pigeonholed into the particular job she has. She could probably find work somewhere that one of her friends lives, but it might not satisfy her to be near only one of them. It does kind of undercut her conclusion that her friends had to move on to achieve happiness for themselves because they couldn't follow their dreams by staying. Well, Twilight's never expressed a dream of being a government official, and it's not working for her anyway, so what's keeping her there? By her own logic, she should move somewhere that she can be happy, and if that means being where she can see one or more of her friends more often, then so be it. I do understand why AJ's been away, but I'm not convinced it's necessarily permanent.

>Might I ask if you have any tips on how to "break" a character
At the point the story ends, Twilight's still thrashing about in frustration. Eventually, the anger wears off. I'm kind of jumping the gun here, as there are a lot of ways you could take the ending, both happy and sad, but if this is the direction you've chosen for the ending...

"This is the way the world ends: Not with a bang but a whimper."
Actually, you can choose either. She can recede into quiet submission, or let it all out in a violent release. She can become a shell of her former self, not taking joy in anything, and no longer participating in what contact she does have with her friends, whether that means she still sees them but is "there but not really there," or cuts off contact altogether. Or you could go the suicide route (please don't). Mental hospital? Therapy? What friends she does have around town would notice her withdrawing and losing what spark she has. It might even be worth speaking to what implications the loss of that spark has for her position as an Element that requires it, possibly even getting Celestia's take on it.

In any case, show the aftermath of this letter-writing catharsis, and that the hole in her life is permanent.

>I'm pretty sure she starts the letter with the intent of sending it, but it turns into her venting.
Yes, I gathered that, but I felt that Celestia would understand the transition as well, so that Twilight still could have sent it if she wanted. She should probably take some action with it, be it stashing it back in the desk for possible later use, or crumpling it up and throwing it away.

>Do you feel the story lives up to the synopsis, if that makes sense? Does the title fit?
The title works fine, in almost a dark humor way. The synopsis doesn't really work for me. First, I'd get rid of the bit in parentheses. If you want to make that part clear, work it into the description better. It's almost like having an author's note to explain something in the story. If it's not explained well enough in the story, it's not explained well enough. The part about Twilight's "reflecting" doesn't capture the mood correctly. That word choice implies more that she's having a calm mental exercise and jotting down her notes on the subject, which isn't at all what's happening. Communicate that she's in crisis mode, not simply pensive.

>Are you able to pinpoint exactly what you feel you missed?
Not really. This is actually a point in your favor. I was surprised at how little I found wrong. Typically, I'm pointing out pretty big plot or character issues, and I didn't find that much here, so it just left me hoping I had done it justice. I've passed reviewing a fic before because I scanned it and really couldn't find fault with it, so I felt like I wouldn't be helping by claiming it. Mechanics aside, since that can easily be fixed without changing the writer's voice, character and plot are the keys to whether a story is even viable, and I hope I've been able to help enough with this one.
>> No. 98121
>>97996

> Everything I write sounds like a list of events, and I'm not sure how to fix this.
Okay, every sentence in a short story must do at least one of the following:
- Either advance the plot or expand on the theme.
- Characterise.
- Describe in order to build world.

You've got the first one down just fine, it's the next two that need some work.
You're characterization is getting there, it's just issues like the dumbstick, or dialogue being a bit flat, etc. This kind of thing mainly comes with practice, but what you can do in the meanwhile is read dialogue aloud and see how it sounds. Would the characters actually say that.
On description, I would recommend you have a go at some descriptive writing. Firstly, pick a place you're familiar with, then write about it. Write about the smell, sounds, details, atmosphere, etc. Secondly, pick a place that you're not so familiar with, a local shop for example, then describe it. If you can't fill in all the details, use your imagination, fill in the blanks. Finally, imagine somewhere, somewhere distant, you could pick a place from your story. Then try to describe it to the same level of detail as you did for the first place you described, the place you know. With a bit of practice you should find that these things come more naturally.
Once you've practiced description, you can try to weave it into your story. Your story isn't a piece of descriptive writing, so don't go overboard, but do set the scene. Furthermore, don't describe all in one big chunk, describe as you go, add details as things come into focus. If a character interacts with something, describe it in more detail. Your trying to immerse the reader so it's as if they're in the very place you're writing about.

>This whole thing may need to be overhauled due to the fact that it may be too convoluted to portray in writing (due to my limited skills).
It wasn't at all clear. I'm not sure exactly what you can do with such a strange character to show this. You could always describe his body language. Maybe follow Celestia more closely and describe her reactions to him as his manner changes. Don't tell, but show through body language and maybe occasionally thoughts. Also, writing beyond your ability is good for improving. Just don't expect it to be brilliant first time round.

> I must respectfully disagree with her actions being un-like her in this instance.
Good. It's nice to see you thinking over what I've said and not just taking it all straight to heart. That's an important skill, never lose that.

> What I was trying to hint at here
Thus we reach the crux of the issue.

Hinting is a paradigm in which you think that you're making the reader think one thing, but actually they completely miss the point. I'd avoid hinting altogether. When your skills improve somewhat hinting might be a more viable option, but at the moment, no, don't do it.

Hinting is really quite hard, because if a reader misses the hint then they can get lost. It's best to stick to dialogue, actions and description to show readers things. You're aloud to be subtle, but not with things like characterization of the main character.

I know I gave up hinting quite a while ago.

> I'm used to writing for a comic book some friends...
> There's that old comic style dialogue
A written story is not a comic. If you stick to grammar rules of a fundamentally different format then you're just going to annoy your readers.
Also, try to get out of the mindset of comic book writing. Comic books don't require description as they have pictures, the two are totally different formats and aren't good for informing each other.

A note that I've thought of since reviewing is that the mane six's dialogue needs to be fleshed out. It currently seems as if they're saying the minimum amount possible and no more.
Another thing is that speech needs a new paragraph.
>> No. 98125
>>98083
>My grasp on grammar is tenuous at best, but I'm fairly certain I used the comma properly here.
You're quite right, Filler. There are times when either a comma or a colon will do. Often, one may be the better choice. In this case, "Fillydelphia" is an appositive for "the next town over," so a comma is perfectly acceptable, while a colon also works. My personal opinion is that one's not preferable over the other in this particular case, as the choice doesn't disambiguate anything. A comma probably wins the tiebreaker, since it's less stuffy.
>> No. 98128
>>98073
I've been helping for several chapters now at fixing mechanics and advising on musical issues. While I have been commenting on any character/plot problems, that's not really my focus, as I haven't read the fic from the beginning, so anyone who'd like to join in, especially for those purposes, is welcome.
>> No. 98131
>>98125
Huh. I was under the impression that a nonessential appositive always calls for separation by commas exclusively.
>> No. 98132
>>98120

Regarding her not having made friends: this is something I considered, but I forgot to add it in the story. Her friends have only been away for just under a year. I'm not sure if this would fit her character, but perhaps she just withdraws once she's on her own? I'm loosely basing this story on my own life observations. A lot of my friends have left for college, yet I've barely met anyone new to fill the gaps (please note that I am not depressed in anyway. I'm pretty happy). It's just not in my nature to seek out new friends; I need to stumble upon them, just how Twilight stumbled across her friends originally, and they mean so much to her that she can't make new friends because she knows they won't be her old friends. This is one stumbling block I've personally come across before in life.

Regarding her working in town hall, I haven't decided yet if she actually doesn't like working there, or she was just thinking irrationally towards the end of her letter. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if she really has any dreams anymore besides being with her friends.

Exploring what would happen to her element would be interesting, although not sure how much I want to expand this story. It would be a good idea to get Celestia involved, however.

Regarding Applejack, I like to think she's the type of character to stay where she's needed. Sure, the Appleoosa crisis is over, but maybe she thinks the town needs her in case something else happens.

With this type of story, I knew it would be tough to make absolutely everything believable, so the points you raise are helping me iron things out more. However, now I'm wondering just how much more I should explain things, versus leaving some things up to interpretation.

I understand if you don't have time to keep discussing this story. Like I said, I think over my stories over very thoroughly, and I could probably talk about this one for days. I hope I'm not wasting your time by continuing to bring up points.
>> No. 98135
>>98131
I could see using a colon in the sense that an example, definition, or clarification is being provided, but I think the comma is the better choice here.
>> No. 98136
>>98132
Discussion is not a problem. In fact, there's often too little of it here. If this forum is too cumbersome, feel free to contact my by email (in the tripcode of any of my claim or review posts) or stop by the IRC. I'm in there pretty much every evening, and so are many other reviewers who could weigh in.
>> No. 98138
File 133495167200.png - (199.97KB , 1818x1317 , CursorModest.png )
98138
>>98114
You may want to get another review. This one is kinda silly. Also, it's an audio review because I've always wanted to do one.

It's basically just me reading through the fic, making some comments and umming and awwing a bit.

Link: http://soundcloud.com/eznpony/review-of-hello-my-name-is

Have a writing guide I wrote: http://derpy.me/EznGuide
>> No. 98140
File 133495365485.png - (75.94KB , 521x484 , Vanner-snowdonttell.png )
98140
Running Commentary:
In doc. Problems repeat, so fix those up before another round of reviews.

Characterization: 7/10. Your characterizations are sort of all over the place, especially with Lyra. Try to be more consistent in the way your portray her.
Story: 8/10. It's a good premise but you're missing an overall feel to the piece. Is it an emergency? Is it Soarin trying to dodge his fanbase?
Flow:6/10. Your repeated sentence structure mars the flow of this piece in a rather server way. It got better after the first six pages, but the start of the story is where you hook your reader. You've also got some awkward phrasing early in the piece.
Mechanics: 7/10 Misuse of semicolons, overuse of ellipses, not using commas for introductory phrasing,
Description: 7/10. Your descriptions are.... inconsistent. You go into a fin about detail about a lot of things, but then over describe others.
Final Score: 35/50. Salient Points from the review that you should take to heart:

Your passive voicing problems are a big problem with this story. Passive voice is okay when you're using past, present, or future perfect tenses, but a rule of thumb, it muddies the sentence structure by taking the action of the sentence away from the subject.

I'm noticing problems with your sentence structures:
1) You never use commas after introductory phrases
2) You're using the same sentence structure repeatedly, just changing the way the actions are present.

This actually plays into telling vs showing. Telling is more along the lines of "he did this", even if it is prefaced by another action. Showing can't be broken down that simply, so I'll give examples.
Telling: "Soarin continued flying in the direction of Canterlot"
Showing: "Soarin's wings flapped in quiet rhythm, pushing him through the skies over Equestria toward Canterlot."

The big difference, which ties into sentence structure, is that the actor isn't always doing the action. An action can be done with a word, or a hand, or another object.

Another problem I'm seeing repeatedly is that you frequently describe the same thing twice. Be conservative with your word choices. Describe something only once, and again if something changes or you feel you need to remind readers of a prop that you haven't used in a while.

Overall, if this is the first thing you've written in five year, it's pretty good. You mentioned in your comments that you're coming off writing technical documents, which is a huge change from fiction. Writing fiction is a balance between letting the reader's imagination do the heavy lifting and giving them enough to let them shoulder the load. Too little and the reader can't visualize the actions. Too much and the reader has no need for their imaginations. In technical writing, you don't want the reader imagining anything, and you tell them everything they need to know and do.

Finally, the plot, or at least what you have so far, seems to be solid. I'm not really sure what you're doing with it though. Moving from one crisis to the next means that you're expecting more action, and you need to pace your story so that the action doesn't overwhelm the reader. Adventure stories rely on different pacing than, say, a romantic one, and It's all kind of fuzzy and ill-defined at the moment. I don't know what you're aiming for, genere-wise, so I'll say this: You've got a good idea here. Work on your focus and your perspective and you'll do just fine.
>> No. 98175
>>97756
Title: Borderline
Author: Lucefudu
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: Dark, COMPLETED

Synopsis: Three years after the 'Cupcakes Massacre', Pinkamena Diane Pie is held in the Canterlot Prison for the Mentally Unbalanced. The state declared that ponies like her were beyond treatment or reason... but one doctor took interest into the mare's case and wanted to crack open her psyche in order to better understand her actions. Soon, a mental game of cat and mice takes place; in which you never know when one will be cornered.

Links:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ZQcPYABzplIK5JlRy7Wc-7z9IX3dXFW-R2skM_LT17U/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rLFz_93FDRRv1oby6cMucY5B0IIqNaYU9KZQSm0fL8c/edit

Comments/Requests:
I ask the pre-reader to be AS NITPICKY AS POSSIBLE, when regarding EVERYTHING: Grammar, Show Vs Tell, Plot, etc.
>> No. 98177
>>98175
Hmm, I kinda liked it. Not a reviewer, but I can give my thoughts.

I never really felt for the doctor. I never saw the "Cat and Mouse" game. Just Pinkie being creepy. The doctor never really got his jabs in, I thought. Also, Pinkie's escape seemed kinda...out of nowhere.

I think you need to have the Doctor accomplish a bit more than being shocked.
>> No. 98181
>>97991

I'm considering claiming this because RariShy is just such a lovely pairing. I'm not feeling up to giving you the kind of review you deserve, though. I've been busy and I'm not terribly confident in my abilities.

I am interested however in the whole angle of "homophobia or not?" If this fandom weren't the way it is, you could write ponyville society as being mildly homophobic and nobody would fucking blink. Is the reviewer perhaps worried that homophobia is too nasty to be pony or is he just as biased as the rest of us when it comes to lesbian ships?

I'll read your fic. I'll talk to you about it. I'll post a review if I feel like it. I would please like the record NOT to show that I have claimed this.
>> No. 98195
File 133497454601.png - (302.49KB , 513x308 , Rinzler 2.png )
98195
>>98083
>The Alabaster Angel only came once a year, and luckily for me, it was just in the next town over, Fillydelphia.
There's so many commas in that sentence, a colon would hardly be out of place. As it is, the comma looks and reads "off."

>The conflict was supposed to be Rainbow Dash getting her hopes up, then having them dashed. I guess that's too weak?
It's not weak, there's just no resolution other than, "Sometimes, bad things happen for no reason."

>Was I too unclear about that, or is it still lacking resolution? Or both?
Yes. The first scene comes last, but to no avail; there aren't any obvious enough signs that say that it was the first scene as opposed to the last scene. The fact that it appears last in your story doesn't help matters.

>Might I ask what you mean by "sub-par"?
Using the title in narration a cliche tactic at best that needs to be done well. The fact that you've used an old expression as the title of this story means that, at best, you're building up to an old expression.
>> No. 98196
>>98121
This is good advice. I know I've asked this before, but is there a way we can talk without using ponychan? Email? Messenger? I get lost trying to follow this threads...
>> No. 98198
>>98181

Rarishy is a stupid good pair, and yet out of the mane six it's one of the rarest (no pun intended).

No problems on not claiming the story - and I'd sure appreciate talking about it! I have some ideas I'd love to bounce off of people to fix the "lacking backstory" problem the pre-reader had. Feel free to poke me either via e-mail (above) or on Fimfiction, I check both several times a day.

As for the homophobia thing, I'm not sure. All I have is what the pre-reader told me. I don't, to be honest, entirely agree with his hatred of the tabloids I depict in the story - I feel that by removing ANY mention of homophobia, the story loses any kind of conflict and becomes an incredibly generic story - but it isn't really up to me.
>> No. 98201
>>98198

Changed my mind. I'm claming it. I can help this quite a bit and I want to do so. I don't know if I'm the one to help you get approved by EQD, but I hope you can benefit from my corrections.
>> No. 98203
>>98201

That makes me very happy to hear! I look forward to working with you on this!
>> No. 98209
>>98136

I'm unfamiliar with IRC, although I do have Chatzilla installed on Firefox. Is there some guide I can view on how to connect to the /fic channel? Or could someone give me a quick rundown?
>> No. 98210
>>98209

There is a How-To guide in the OP.
>> No. 98217
File 133498081771.png - (425.71KB , 960x540 , fsnohurt.png )
98217
>>97165

I had another review (long-term) chronologically before yours, so I needed to tend to that first. I don't think I'll finish my feedback for this story before my Internet goes out for the night, so I'll post my review in the morning.
>> No. 98220
Well i think ill leave this here as well

Email: [email protected]

Title: Of things Forgotten

[Tragedy] [Dark] [Adventure] [Human]

By:Kalros

Synopsis:
The equestrians have forgotten us, forgotten of those they once fought side by side with, lived and coexisted with. Those who they had once called brothers and sisters. I am here to remedy that, to bring back the forgotten histories of Equestria.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/20639/Of-things-forgotten%2C-%28Part-one%29

https://docs.google.com/document/d/17cxXLGenU5jIA1b8VMj_F1hDCpsWx_WeeI65OebXb-U/edit

Hope you enjoy it and any critical feedback would be most welcome. Cheers ^^
>> No. 98221
>>98201

Disclaimer: Discerning where I know what I'm talking about and what's my personal preference that you can blow off is your responsibility. I have given you changes that I think are definite, objective problems. Obtaining a second opinion may shed light on what works for other people that doesn't work for me and vice versa. You are not obligated to defer to me on every single one of my suggestions, but I highly suggest you take time to understand why they were all made.

Okay, some overall notes.

Your writing quality doesn't thrill me. Your sentences are occasionally bulked down by unnecessary words. Using extra words to say exactly what you mean often sounds bad. There is almost always a shorter, more elegant way to say it.

It's not the worst I've seen but you are very bad about "telling." You tend to talk about everything from scenery to feelings in very boring terms. I don't want you to write *longer* descriptions, mind you, I want you to write brief but *interesting* descriptions.

Even when you do get into description, your descriptions are almost placeholders. I am going to link one or two of my favorite clopfics in your google doc. Beautiful, ultra-specific, and giggle-inducing bits of description are what you're looking for. Don't worry; there will be lots of them.

Readers are biased, and they won't be comfortable with Rarity's initial homohobia. Either throw subtlety out the window and HAMMER the fact that Rarity is uncomfortable with being called a fillyfooler-- get telly with why she doesn't want to be known that way, for example-- or cut out bits where she seems particularly upset with not just the gossip but the whole idea of her being homosexual. The worst example is the very first-- her shuddering at the idea of fillyfoolin'. It's unexpected, and in most fandoms it would fly, but not this one.

I don't like your Rarity voice. Your Dash voice isn't great either but I at least see where you're going with it. You have a few nice moments of Dash/Rarity voice, but they are rare. Scour your dialogue for where you've simply written what makes sense for them to say, and you haven't paid enough attention to their personal quirks.

An overall bit of advice: Hammer Rarity's feelings hard. Go full-on My Little Dashie on us and bludgeon us with sappiness about how conflicted Rarity feels. That's the point of the story, so make it breathe. You really don't give us enough of how she feels when she's supposedly going through something rough.

Final note: Hey wait, didn't I actually see this in the Storyforge a while ago? Major props for actually putting it to work, mang.

I'll do the second part eventually. This was exhausting.
>> No. 98222
>>98221

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16nmzjFJUPsil_uyC0H6qNB4pfG8wx2a5HQYaL8KqmZI/edit?pli=1
>> No. 98223
File 133498339760.png - (198.90KB , 981x1000 , 133136154776.png )
98223
>>98140
>Showing can't be broken down that simply, so I'll give examples.
>Telling: "Soarin continued flying in the direction of Canterlot"
>Showing: "Soarin's wings flapped in quiet rhythm, pushing him through the skies over Equestria toward Canterlot."

>The big difference, which ties into sentence structure, is that the actor isn't always doing the action. An action can be done with a word, or a hand, or another object.
Pardon the interruption, but... this does not describe the point of "Show; don't tell" very clearly. I say this mainly because, God, I have heard that same phrase to describe a pegasus flying from point A to point B that it's giving me a dysphoric sense of de ja vu. I really would not want the author to take this and think every time he/she needs a pegasus to fly somewhere he/she needs to write a florid piece of prose.

Show vs. Tell is a matter of deciding what should be said.
 – When you tell the reader something, you are saying, simply, what has occurred.
 – When you show the reader something, you give them clues that allow them to infer what has occurred.
 • The advantage of telling is that it transfers information unambiguously and quickly.
 • The advantage of showing is that it engages the reader.

The examples you gave transfer the same information: Soarin flies to Canterlot. Both are telling. The difference between them is how they are being said, which is more about the scale of dry/sensory/florid/purple. In this case, if the action is so terribly simple and unimportant like Soarin going from point A to point B, just saying it outright may be a better choice.

The problem with giving examples for this is that you cannot give an example of the two saying the same thing, because the very purpose of showing is that you don't say what you say when you tell something.
>> No. 98225
>>98221

Woah! Thanks a lot! I didn't expect to see anything that fast. I'm a little sad that you didn't like things much, but I definitely appreciate being so honest. I'll scour over the google doc and set to editing.

I look forward to the second part!

>didn't I actually see this in the Storyforge a while ago?

If you did, it wasn't posted by me! I've never posted in Storyforge before.
>> No. 98226
File 133498444162.jpg - (7.15KB , 225x225 , images.jpg )
98226
>>98223
Yay! Happy Twilight approves of information!
>> No. 98227
>>98225

Feel free to reply to the comments so that we can talk about specific things I had to say. Ain't google docs great?
>> No. 98228
>>98227

Didn't realize that I could do that! I'll start responding to your comments and let you know when I've finished.

I wrote this using Google docs, but never actually USED it, if you get my meaning. Just kind of wrote it there and copied/pasted it to Fimfiction.
>> No. 98229
>>98227

Actually, the Doc you linked says "view only" for me, so I can't respond. I assume that was a mistake?
>> No. 98231
>>98229

Derp. Let me fix that.

A word concerning Lavender Unicorn Syndrome: Rather than trying to eradicate every single instance of LUS from your fic, instead try to evaluate when it's okay to refer to a character as "The pony." The problem with LUS is that you are attributing things to "the cute blue pegasus in the room" when what you want to say is that its' Rainbow Dash, god dammit.

So LUS is acceptable at times like: "Rarity flashed a brilliant smile at her dear pegasus friend as she came down the stairs." See how I'm referring to another character as Rarity's pegasus friend, and not using "Rarity's friend" instead of a simple pronoun.
>> No. 98233
>>97534

I shall claim this.

My Little Pirates: Luffy's Adventures in Equestria
Written by FullMetalPony.
>> No. 98234
Title: Ditz and Spitz

Author: Poinger

E-mail: [email protected]

Tags: [Sad]

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/2200/Ditz-and-Spitz%3A-Origin-of-Derpy

Requested Review: All please, with special attention to pre-reader POV comment

EQD Pre-reader comments: POV is the biggest sticking point. The shifts from perspective to perspective feel less like third-person omniscient and more like sudden leaps from one third-person limited view to another. Add to this some typographical issues -- extra spaces, multiple colons in one sentence, and a spot where Dinky is referred to as Ditzy -- and I must recommend you seek help on Ponychan or from another reviewer for assistance in tightening this up.

Notes: I have made numerous revisions to the story since its submission to EQD, and have removed a number of the typographical issues, but am at loss as to the problem with the POV. Many thanks in advance.
>> No. 98235
>>98234
Forgot Synopsis:
After Ditzy has a cordial meeting with her dear friend Spitfire, a friend who believes her memory to be damaged, their worlds are changed when their friendship is no longer secret. Ditzy begins to remember things about who she used to be, while another, more sinister force has never forgotten who she was...
>> No. 98240
>>98221

Responded to all your comments! Or, at least, all of the things that I didn't understand or needed clarification on (or that I was apologizing for, heh). That ended up being almost all of them.

You're awesome, by the way. Never had someone take such a critical eye to my work and then try to fix it. Feels good, man.
>> No. 98241
>>97906 >>97915
Detailed comments in doc

Mechanics:
The main issues were missing commas, a few places where subjunctive mood should have been used, and a few incorrect verb tenses. This fic isn't really long enough to identify any pervasive errors you consistently make, so just note the ones I've marked and make sure you understand them so you can avoid them in the future. To some degree, errors are allowable in dialogue, articles of writing, and first-person narration, but carefully consider the speaker and situation in deciding how much to allow.

Style:
Repetition was a notable problem. Several words and phrases were very much overused. It shouldn't be that hard to avoid.

Obligatory show-versus-tell stuff:
Yeah, you need to show more. I marked a couple of places where I felt you were doing a particularly good job of it so you could compare/contrast.

You're relying mostly on dialogue and coarse actions to get the emotion across. That said, at least you go that far. You don't state emotions explicitly or overuse "-ly" adverbs that I noticed, which are the main red flags.

The passages I marked as good are ones where you went beyond the main action the pony is performing and gave me the finer details that do a lot to communicate mood, like body language, facial expression, posture, and reactions to what's being said or done. Mix and match these methods and use them more throughout the story to add flavor. If you overuse one, it loses its effectiveness. For example, there are a couple of spots where you back back-and-forth dialogue with little to no action to break up the speech. What's said is only half of a conversation. Give me the same body language, etc. that goes on to fill it out.

Your choice of a first-person narrator can make showing a little more difficult. The point of showing is to give the reader the evidence to make the emotional conclusion you want him to make, thus involving him in the story, but since the narrator is a character, it can be tempting to let her state her conclusions rather than her thought process, since it's more valid for her to do so. It's also harder for the narrator to describe her own facial expression and body language, because she generally can't see them, and may not even be aware of them.

Just keep in mind how expressive these characters are in canon, particularly with such detailed things as their faces, eyes, and ears.

Character/Plot:
It seems like I'm grabbing a lot of character pieces lately, so once again, i'll deal with these two elements together.

The characterization of Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara is done well, as you've seemed to pick up on the dynamic between them that I feel from canon.

Sweetie Belle never really came across. She's just sad about the friendship, but her personality never comes through. She's helpful, almost to a fault, and stubborn. I'm not getting any of that.

The emotional content of the plot is subverted because there's not enough build-up to make it realistic. Here are a few examples:

We see how Sweetie Belle and Silver Spoon first met, and we're supposed to take their friendship as a given after that point. Make me care about them. Take me through more of their early friendship. Show me how they care about each other and survive stress on their relationship. Doing so will require adding a number of scenes, showing their initial "getting to know you" phase developing into a real bond and being maintained. Get me invested in their friendship, and it will mean more to me when it ends.

The bracelets are supposed to be significant symbols of their friendship, but they're only mentioned in passing. Show me how they exchanged bracelets and took joy in each other's gifts. Show me exactly what it means that Sweetie Belle is throwing hers in the ocean. And why does she care if Silver Spoon kept hers if it's lost its value to Sweetie Belle?

You glossed over the letter Silver Spoon wrote. It would have carried more emotional weight if you'd come up with something for it.

I think you're okay, but consider the timing carefully if you're trying to blend with canon. Diamond Tiara is calling Sweetie Belle a blank flank, implying that both Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon have their cutie marks already. I don't get the impression that Diamond Tiara would be willing to hang out with her if she didn't. But they don't both have their cutie marks until about the time of "Call of the Cutie," as one is having her cute-ceanera party then. So it could only have been a short time before that episode that the two became friends, and yet by the episode, Silver Spoon is already being mean to Sweetie Belle. If you're going to fit with canon, there's a pretty narrow time frame to match, and Silver Spoon's conversion may have to occur a little less gradually than you have shown. Finally, why is Diamond Tiara just now showing up at school? Canon has her father, Filthy Rich, as owning a long-established business in Ponyville, so I'm not sure where else she would have been.

Synopsis:
>Sweetie Bell reminiscences about an old friend that she lost. Could she have done something different?
Sweetie Belle
reminisces
Be more descriptive than "lost." Give me a fuller characterization of how the friendship ended.
It's best not to ask a question in the synopsis, particularly a rhetorical one, and one that you don't answer.

Final Thoughts:
I like your idea, and it could work well, but you just didn't deliver the emotional content necessary to affect me. Make me invested in these characters so that I care what happens to them. Show me the friendship, and make it real rather than just getting it started and then assuring me that it happened. Keep writing, and have fun with it.
>> No. 98248
>>98196
I did email you. I'll try again.
>> No. 98251
>>97969
Righto, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that this story was an entertaining read. I was a little confused on the [Sad] tag. Was there something to be sad about in this? If anything, the [Random] tag fits more, since you're dealing with a pretty trippy plot here.

But anyway, here goes.

Mechanically, I cannot offer any help, except for some routine correction which an editing pass would clean up. You will need to watch those hyphens you're substituting for em dashes. Also, convention dictates that you space after an ellipsis.

Anyway, your prose is quite descriptive, and may lean towards purple at some point, though I think you're still safely behind the line. That said, I find that you occasionally misuse words throughout in order to convey your narrative, twisting and bending them out of their original meaning. While doing so in the name of creative license may be acceptable, more often than not, it ended up confusing me. Consider revising those I pointed out in the document.

As for your story, you definitely maintained a sense of mystery throughout the first half of your fic, which I found quite enjoyable. It definitely got surreal by the tea-party and outright wacky by the end of the scene. Kudos for establishing the mood and setting so brilliantly.

That said, I found that the ending was pretty weak and had nothing much to do with the meat of your story, except to establish that it was all just a dream. It may be your intention, but I find it undermines the surreality of your fic which made it enjoyable. My suggestion here would be to shorten the ending, or pull out another twist. (A dream within a dream would be most obvious.)

Another problem I found is that the "three little words" that your title alludes to is not very obvious, since it is not mentioned in the climax, only during the rising action. (aka tea-party and PP's subsequent flight). You would want to fix that, or at least re-emphasise the phrase so that you won't leave your readers bewildered as to what exactly do you mean. I had to read through twice in order to find the three words and I doubt many readers would be that patient.

On characterisation, I would only comment on Pinkie here, since she is the only constant. I found that your initial portrayal of her to be quite faithful to the show's, and I have no complaints there. The only questionable issue I find is her breakdown towards the climax. I'm not quite sure why you had her give up on her friends so easily after realising that they are not themselves. I would not peg Pinkie to be one to break down so easily, at least not without some initial efforts on her end to snap them out what she might believe to be a brainwashing spell or thereabouts. Or at least find out on how widespread the phenomenon is. Use her efforts in Party of One as a rough yardstick on how far she's willing to go before finally accepting that her friends are gone.

Mind, all of my suggestions here are my opinion alone and this fic can stand alone as it is. But I feel there's some wasted potential as it is.

tl;dr Enjoyable read, plot could be tweaked.
>> No. 98256
>>98251

Thank you for being so quick to get back to me, Grif! :)

And, concerning that tag… yeah, I’ve never been entirely sure about how to class this one. My original idea was to put it under [Normal][Sad][Friendshipping]. Quite where that particular idea sprang from I don’t know :/.

As for the em-dash issues, you can chalk that up the laziness on my part. I was intending to sweep through those before you got around to reading, but it slipped my mind entirely. :(

I’ve changed most of your suggestions for words (and I might need to go back through several other fics of mine to swap ‘pelt’ for something else), but I will be keeping two of them. When I had Pinkie describe Twilight as the “cutest, smartest, all around best pony,” it was in reference to her song from the third episode of season one. As for “creaked”… that was deliberate.

(By the way, it is nice to know that I didn’t go too overboard for most of the story with descriptions :).)

I was intending for the ending to be the typical, attempted-heart-warming, mushy pile of nothingness that all of my stories appear to end up as :/, but I included Mrs Cake’s lines at the end to try and add a little bit of a punch line to it. I do get your point, though, that it is rather weak compared to the rest of the story.

As for the emphasis on what the three words are… I wouldn’t really know how to do something like that. Apart from maybe inserting another mention of them during Pinkie’s breakdown, it would just seem a little forced to me. Perhaps I could make them the title?

Speaking of Pinkie’s breakdown, I do entirely get your point here. I originally thought that her seeing all of the effects in the first half of the story (effectively, your suggestion of her seeing how widespread the phenomenon is) would have tipped her too far out of her comfort zone for her to deal with her friends acting like this too, but I do also see the need for a little more. And I have a pretty good idea for how to resolve that, involving Pinkie to ask them to snap out of it and being rejected.

So, thanks again! :)
>> No. 98259
Author: ComissarCC

Title:Twilight Sparkle - Reanimator, a Tale of Ponies and Dark Magic

Tags: [Alternate Universe] [Dark]

Synopsis: England. During the thousand year long reign of Queen Celestia ponikind thrives and expands, both in technology and territory. During that timeline a faithful student of Celestia makes a discovery that could change the life of simple ponies forever.

Author's note: A little experiment of mine, it's supposed to be an affectionate parody of 18th century english writing and lovecraft. It's probably a complete trainwreck, but if somebody could give it a look, it'd be much appreciated.



Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aSFPfuCX8raIPOIj3oEXMNnVvmuqbWJbRPBIqicyjRQ/edit
>> No. 98262
>>97838
Just call me a big claiming claimy claimerson. A Calaimity James, if you will.

I have had no prior contact with your story, so my first instinct is to thoroughly review all three chapters. You also didn't specify what issues you wanted checked, so I'll just babble about anything that comes to mind: Show-don't-tell, dialogue/narration quality, sentence flow, inconsistent characterization, plot-no-makey-sensy, my favorite ice-cream, the usual. You will probably want to find a spelling/punctuation/grammar freak afterwards as this is not my strong suit.

As for genre, I loves me a good Grimdark Humans In Equestria! Though I have yet to find one. Cue rimshot.

Joking aside, I *will* judge your story based on it's individual merits. Grimdark and HiE can become crutches for lame authors, but I am always delighted to be proven wrong.

I'm... delighted a lot, actually.

>>97838
Oh... kay?

>>97845
>>97851
Confused, now. Has this been reviewed before? Are there previous reviewer comments I should digest first? Do you only want me to review certain chapters? If I start lambasting this, only to discover it was already accepted into EQD as a timeless work of art, will I seem like an edgy culture-jamming genius, or just a complete moron?

I will begin reading from the start immediately, but will wait for an answer before I start leaving comments.
>> No. 98263
>>98256
>I do get your point, though, that it is rather weak compared to the rest of the story.
Hence the recommendation to shorten it. ;) Dragging it out only serves to highlight how weak it is compared to the rest.

>As for the emphasis on what the three words are… I wouldn’t really know how to do something like that. Apart from maybe inserting another mention of them during Pinkie’s breakdown, it would just seem a little forced to me. Perhaps I could make them the title?
Hmmm... making them the title would be too obvious. I would suggest adding it during Rainbow Dash's part, since by then, you have firmly established that the entire thing was wacky and Dream!Dash is all but a caricature of who she was. Having Dash repeating the line would be the coup de grace, and it would strongly establish that is the three words you're referring to. Of course, I'm working off the belief that readers are sometimes dumb, so take my words with a pinch of salt.

>I originally thought that her seeing all of the effects in the first half of the story (effectively, your suggestion of her seeing how widespread the phenomenon is) would have tipped her too far out of her comfort zone for her to deal with her friends acting like this too,
As I recall, she only saw two incidents of this. The Cakes with their children. And Daisy and Derpy. Two isn't quite enough to establish that this is not the Ponyville she knows anymore. Suspicious perhaps, but I don't think one would be convinced that easily. Perhaps a crowd scene after her breakdown or even BEFORE her breakdown would serve well to hammer the fact into her head.

>(By the way, it is nice to know that I didn’t go too overboard for most of the story with descriptions :).)
It is refreshing to see descriptive prose for once, since I myself lean towards very terse and minimalist prose myself. Keep at it! :)
>> No. 98268
>>98263

>Hence the recommendation to shorten it. ;) Dragging it out only serves to highlight how weak it is compared to the rest.

I'm... tempted to leave it as is, to be honest. The only real idea I've had is cutting the ending off when she hugs Rainbow Dash and notices that she now has a horn :/

>Hmmm... making them the title would be too obvious. I would suggest adding it during Rainbow Dash's part, since by then, you have firmly established that the entire thing was wacky and Dream!Dash is all but a caricature of who she was. Having Dash repeating the line would be the coup de grace, and it would strongly establish that is the three words you're referring to. Of course, I'm working off the belief that readers are sometimes dumb, so take my words with a pinch of salt.
>As I recall, she only saw two incidents of this. The Cakes with their children. And Daisy and Derpy. Two isn't quite enough to establish that this is not the Ponyville she knows anymore. Suspicious perhaps, but I don't think one would be convinced that easily. Perhaps a crowd scene after her breakdown or even BEFORE her breakdown would serve well to hammer the fact into her head.

I've actually managed to (I think, at least) take out both of these issues at once, though it is with an extension of the scene at the tea-party. There are several mentions of the three words, and Pinkie receives a much stronger hint that these aren't her friends any more.

Failing that, I could always re-tool that paragraph of the things that she misses while running out of the library into things that she does notice.

>It is refreshing to see descriptive prose for once, since I myself lean towards very terse and minimalist prose myself. Keep at it! :)

Thank you! :)

By the way, would you mind taking a look at my additions?

I understand completely if you can't because you're too busy or if this is bad form on the Training Grounds.
>> No. 98276
File 133503154974.png - (28.13KB , 347x406 , Glare.png )
98276
>>97772
Fuck the song quotes in this. Seriously. It's cliche, it's trite, it's hackeneyed, it's pedestrian, it's stupid... just, no. It adds nothing to your story except for setting a tone that the story is written by an individual who thinks that 80s Punk Rock has enough wisdom in it to warrant being the introduction to a chapter. Furthermore, the lyrics themselves are at juxtaposition to the tone of the rest of the story, so you're setting the wrong tone in a poor manner.

For example: my avatar on this quote, combined with that first paragraph, probably makes you think I'm writing the rest of this angrily instead of "neutrally."

I don't even care anymore. If you drive readers away by your first paragraph or so, you've failed as a writer. Now, the song quotes alone won't do that, but they don't make it any easier to stomach any of the rest of the problems that come in this story:

Grammar issues: This was mostly clean, but you had some wonky semicolon usage, such as:
>Even my best friends, who had learned several times over to take my problems seriously and be there for me; couldn’t bring themselves to believe something so outlandish.
Basically, right here, you're joining an incomplete thought to a complete thought; frankly, semicolons don't work that way. Looking at the sentence, you want a comma.

Also, speech:
>“I have more authority than you think, Miss Sparkle,” the stallion shook his head slowly.
Unless he's flapping his ears to produce morse code, "shaking his head" is not a speech verb. Only speech verbs get the "conjoin with a comma" deal; otherwise, just end the dialogue with a period.

Also, you've got a lot of "two spaces" throughout this. Even after a period, this is unnecessary and, since you're doing it inconsistently, it's wrong.

Finally, I'm on the fence as to whether or not "dragon" should be capitalized when referring to a country / race. My gut says "yes," so I'm bringing it up.


Style problems
You had some problems with telling narration and emotions. For example:
>I could feel my features growing dark as I eyed the creature wandering about the room.
I mean, do ponies tan? What does it mean to "grow dark?" Literally? Figuratively? This is not only saying, "My expression turned angry!" but it's also doing it in a very vague manner.

"Tainted" is not an intransitive verb. You don't taint. You taint stuff.

>The unicorn always had the doubt that nopony would appreciate this injection of culture anyway, but at least it gave her something to read when she couldn’t sleep.
Is a double-negative, but not in the traditional sense. "She doubted that no-one" versus "She doubted that anyone" means two different things.

>Through trial and error, personal experience, and the usual bugging Princess Celestia and Zecora; Twilight was confident she could solve this mystery herself.
Is self-contradictory. "With her friends, she could solve it herself."


All in all, there's various points of rough writing scattered throughout this. I'm not sure if *that's* why I was so freaking bored while reading this, or if you also need to trim down things and make the narrative slightly faster / more pressing. As it is, you have "Twilight in psych ward, Twilight flashes back (this DOES need trimming, as this part does drag), Twilight in a psych ward... for a first chapter, I feel that this could do so much more than it does in order to introduce the conflict. I'm not sure if and why it's necessary to tell the conflict in the method of flashing back, for example.

So, uh, yep. That's what I got.
>> No. 98281
>>98268
Sure. But new pony and sleep comes first. I'll be back with my thoughts tomorrow, if you don't mind.
>> No. 98282
>>98281

Not a problem. Take as long as you want :)
>> No. 98303
>>98262

Really I just need Chapter 3 reviewed.

This story got accepted to EQD with its first two chapters right out the gate, so I'm open to suggestions, but I can't do a whole lot to those first two chapters without seriously confusing the viewership.

Chapter 3 is the focus, but feel free to read the others for context and such.

This chapter has been reviewed twice before, and has undergone some massive changes through each, most of it owing to how my original draft focused too much on Twilight, turned the M6 into a totally captive audience, and my antagonist was becoming an exposition dump-truck, and in the original draft, a pointlessly cruel one.

In recent drafts I've tried to craft him into a more redeemable, sympathetic antagonist, but one still capable of some pretty horrendous things. In the name of splitting up his dialogue, his motivation and backstory get explained in the next chapter.
>> No. 98317
File 133504754728.png - (641.29KB , 894x894 , ppdog.png )
98317
>>97165

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/55001004/BreakingtheChainsCh1.doc
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/55001004/BreakingtheChainsCh2.doc

Sorry I didn't post this earlier; I was called out for a few hours and didn't feel well after, so I rested a bit. Hope this helps.
>> No. 98318
I appreciate the review and I've give what you said a lot of consideration.
First, the bad guy was supposed to be crappy. He thought to much of himself and he's supposed to be inept .

And yes I am aware I need an editor. I don't have one and finding one has been difficult. I have had 2 proofreaders but that's all they do. Also they tend to miss a lot, I'm still catching errors.

I can't cut the first arc because of what it sets up for the rest of the story. So many things come up later that are introduced there. I do want to admit that, originally, the story was just arc 1, with arc 2 being part of an epilogue. Then I came up with arc 3 and it all just ran away from me.

I did take what you said about Scoots and RD to heart, rewriting a bit (even a part where Scoots goes too far). I've gone into hiatus and I'm working on redoing major portions of it, including more of a backstory to the alicorn-terra pony conflict and bits with Celestia and Luna as foals.

I'm still looking for the second opinion on the later chapters.
>> No. 98327
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98327
>>98317
half of me is thinking 'ugh, this is going to take HOURS of editing!' and the other half is going 'yay feedback!'

Thanks a bunch for the review! I'm glad the fic didn't bore you to death... that was my biggest worry.
>> No. 98329
>>98171

I figure since my story was reviewed by someone here, it's only fair if I take on someone else's to help the queue out.

Claiming "Ancient Dangers" - will have the review up soon.
>> No. 98330
>>98303
I have reached the third chapter, and will begin leaving comments. These will be limited to specific errors or issues, and insights regarding my first read-through. Please do not make any changes to the story until I've finished reading it through. After that, I'll whip up a summary of my thoughts regarding overarching issues.

>This story got accepted to EQD with its first two chapters right out the gate, so I'm open to suggestions, but I can't do a whole lot to those first two chapters without seriously confusing the viewership.
Really? I find this a tad surprising. If I did offer suggestions, they would be small issues: change this word, split this sentence, shorten this conversation, etc. Nothing that actually *happened* in the first two chapters was a problem for me.

I must admit, there were parts I had to slog through because of poor sentence flow, show-don't-tell, and poor dialogue... but even though you didn't ask for a review of them, there was one part from each chapter that I *had* to bring to your attention.

Firstly:

>"No, Rarity does not," answered the diva herself as she made her way upstairs. "Besides, dear, do you expect me to pay you with my earnings? Private trade is not an unlimited wellspring of funds, darling, and I'll hardly be as effective here as at my Boutique."

Ooh... ooh. DuncanR got tingles.

Maybe it's just me, but this was a very good bit and very well done: It flows well given the context, I could imagine the scene perfectly, and it's just so very Rarity. I especially like how she swoops into the conversation only to speak about herself in the third person. Also, her refusal is not entirely out of character: Rarity--despite being the element of generosity--knows she cannot give Pinkie Pie an unlimited free lunch. Pinkie's first visit to a pastry shop would leave Rarity destitute, with two more mortgages than she started with. Rarity would certainly let a friend crash on her couch for a weekend, but what Pinkie Pie *truly* needs is to be self-sufficient. Rarity gives her what she needs: not what she wants.

I'm probably reading too much into this... but that's a good thing. Your reader filled in the blanks all by himself, and imbued a short paragraph with a great deal of characterization and meaning. I could pick through this for errors (presence of adverbs, too many commas, etc) but I was too busy being pulled into the story to notice. This was very good flow and dialogue, and you get a cookie.

Secondly:

>Twilight followed her advice, trying to maintain the shield without flexing from the effort. But in that moment, something whirled in emerald sparks from above Celestia's horn, falling to the floor with a smash. It was a vase, still slightly smoking.
This total non-sequitor made me go "...Wait. What?"
But then it made me go "...Whoa."
I was only confused for a moment, which only made the "whoa" even more delectable. You could have spoiled it by flat out *telling* me what was really going on, but you let me figure it out on my own. I could even imagine Spike scrambling about the library, diving under tables and climbing over shelves. You conveyed an important plot point, and I got to feel clever and imaginative... every-pony wins! An excellent case of Show-Don't-Tell, and you get another cookie.

So there you go. That's everything you need. Whatever else I say, and no matter how mean or harsh I get, this was proof enough that you *can* do this well.
>> No. 98342
Tags: [Comedy] [Crossover] [Dark]

Synopsis: After angering a magician, again, the RED Soldier is transported against his will into another dimension, unlike any he’s been banished to before. In order to return home, he’s going to need the help of a curious cast of seven...

Links:
C1: http://bit.ly/HS8M93
C2: http://bit.ly/HS92om
C3: http://bit.ly/IIfuyq
C4: http://bit.ly/Ji268W
C5: http://bit.ly/IIfOx1
C6: http://bit.ly/Id818T
C7: http://bit.ly/HWv5ZP
C8: http://bit.ly/I4RqsX
C9: http://bit.ly/JnV9lR
C10: http://bit.ly/Id8uro
C11: http://bit.ly/IIgB0Z
C12: http://bit.ly/Id8yaK
C13: http://bit.ly/J0mZyH
C14: http://bit.ly/IgfO9c
C15: http://bit.ly/JfuZRH
Epilogue: http://bit.ly/Ji5ikI

Comments/Requests: This story has been submitted to the Training Grounds before, under the title “Friendship is Mercenaries.” It’s been extensively edited since then, and is barely even the same story at this point. It should also be noted that I have someone lined up to read this already (Thanks, Kilcrease! <3), but I’d prefer to have more than one pair of eyes on it.
>> No. 98343
File 133505994212.png - (750.44KB , 724x724 , Binary Fragment.png )
98343
>>97494

Hello once again world! Sorry that I could not respond sooner but spring break tied me up. Anyway thanks for taking a look at my story ( still resisting the urge to reach for my .357 though). I will take some of your advise and look though my story again to rub out some more bugs. Feel free to look at the rest of my story if you want but I'm just curious about what you think about the ending. See ya soon.
>> No. 98358
>>98220
I'm not an official Training Grounds maintainer, but I figured I'd take a look at this fic of yours anyway. For the record, in the future, it'd be advisable to enable commenting on the GoogleDoc. Click the Share button, and it'll be in there. Right, then, let's get started!
First thought: Hmmm, a framing device. This pleases me.
That being said, let's move on to the review. There are quite a few grammatical errors, misspellings, and general typos here. I'm not going to bother pointing them out, though. Go over your own work carefully, and you'll find them. I will, say, however, that your use of "adjutant" in Chapter 2 bewildered me. Fix that, if you will, that's a good chap.
Premise: I think this story has a somewhat interesting premise. That being said, I think you might be going toward Tyrant!Celestia, which I've never liked that much. But if that's the story you want to tell, I have no right to stop you. Having played a lot of Civilization V recently, I like the whole "colonial expansion, first contact with new empire" scenario, and I'm pretty excited at the possibility of full-scale diplomacy breaking out. So, yes, your premise is good.
But the execution isn't quite working for me. The story just feels like you're just rushing through it. I want more information, and I don't think you're giving it to me. You tell us everything we need to know to understand the story, you don't give us enough to enjoy the story. We need more information. One good way of doing that is to describe your characters' appearances and the scenery. That may not seem like much, but trust me, establishing these things is crucial. You have to remember, these aren't the Mane 6, and this isn't Ponyville. We don't know what your characters and locations look like unless you tell us. Now, I have an idea as to how you could accomplish this, but it would require you to take the story in a slightly different direction. You don't have to go with this, but here it is: this is Twilight being told a story, right? So, narrate what she sees and how she reacts to it. That way, everything is fresh and new to her. She'd want to observe every little detail for the purposes of historical accuracy. In addition, I think that focusing on Twilight's reactions would add a bit of depth to the story--history from a modern perspective. That would also add to the "forgotten history" theme that you seem to be going for. For example, here's my take on what our introduction to Joseph could look like:
>Twilight suddenly found herself standing in a tent. The sun was slowly creeping in, illuminating a "human" lying on the ground under a threadbare blanket. His--she assumed it was a he, anyway--his head was covered with short, curly brown hair, and there was a small patch of fur on his chin. Slowly, the human stirred, the faint sunlight rousing him from his slumber. He opened his mouth and let out a loud yawn, revealing a mouth full of crooked, yellowed, and disturbingly incisor-like teeth.
>“Joseph? You awake?” asked a gruff male voice with a strange accent (Scoltish, maybe?) from outside the tent. The human let out a groan and rolled over. In a strange, alien way, the creature reminded her of her assistant, Spike, in the way he seemed to be trying to ignore the voice. "Oi! Get off yer fat rump an' get out 'ere! Summat's come up!" the voice called out, sounding slightly frustrated.
>The other human, Joseph, scoffed and began grumbling to himself. "Fine!" he called out, tossing the blanket away and revealing the entirety of his body for the first time. Twilight gasped in shock. To her horror, she saw that Joseph was clad in rough, barbarian-esque clothing that seemed to have been cobbled together from animal skins. "Dammit, Bragg," Joseph said in groggy annoyance, crawling out of the tent, "can' a guy jus' get some rest in paradise?" Twilight wasn't sure what to do at this point. However, she soon found her legs moving on their own, following Joseph out into the strange new world she found herself in.
That's my take on how the scene would look.

Now, that was just my idea. Even if you don't decide to do that, you'll need to put in more information about your characters and locations as they're introduced. That way, we know who they are, and it's easier for us to care about them. I'd like to stress, though, that I like your premise. In the right hands, I think this could be an excellent story. You just need to spend some time fleshing out the world of your story.

Keep writing,
Conchshellthegeek7
>> No. 98365
>>98276

Thank you for your time and input. I shall now go out back with a shovel and put this thing out of it's misery
>> No. 98368
>>98276

Thank you for your time and input. I shall now go out back with a shovel and put this thing out of it's misery
>> No. 98373
>>98276
Well since it's painfully obvious that I am terrible (and you had the guts to tell me that unlike the other pre-readers I had)...would you be in the market for...I dunno....helping me?
>> No. 98374
>>97988
Sorry to ask, but may I please have an update from Arbarano, at the very least an estimate of when I can expect a review?

I'm really sorry if I'm coming off as rude or hasty. It's just that I'm really nervous about how my fic is.
>> No. 98377
[Sad] [Romance]

Rainbow Dash awakes one morning to find she can't remember anything. But as she sets off to find out why, she learns that maybe the truth was better off staying forgotten.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zvC8KNhnBiNRf3W-URI8BafE3mFEEvc_E9anveGwq-s/edit
>> No. 98383
File 133507814543.gif - (1.27MB , 345x230 , mlfw585_fluttershy4.gif )
98383
>>98106
Thanks Keeper. I'm currently in the process of revising the prologue which will probably take a day or so. Your comments and suggestions are warmly accepted.
>> No. 98384
>>98330
Having just read through your first round of comments, I actually find them "massively" useful (see what I did there?).

Nah, you didn't sound mean. I actually thought of the Cinema Snob's voice when reading your comments, and thought of it as... well, a riff/review. Some of it was so funny it left me breathless and in TEARS... Particularly that bit about Mandeville being psychotic.

Your style of listing mistakes under various umbrellas is really helpful, and the fact that you offer really good corrections is even better.

I'll admit, my experience in writing is only from trial and error, and it wasn't till I hit-up ponychan that I started learning something OTHER than script-format.

Really, I probably need to see a template of how something is written. I've never heard this "1 paragraph = 1 complete thought" rule. Generally, I write like this:

[Long paragraph or series of paragraphs with no dialogue attached. Split paragraphs if they become too many lines long, or someone starts talking]

["dialogue dialogue, malkovich malkovich," Character said, like this or doing this. "Followup dialogue, rhubarbrhubarbrhubarb." Followup descriptions, unless other character speaks, in which case see prior. Create single-sentence paragraphs to emphasize something especially sudden, dramatic or important happening.]

[Rinse, repeat]
~~~~~~~~~

I... have my doubts by now that this is how you do it, but maybe that'll provide some insight into why I write the way I do.

Don't let this stop you from pointing out my mistakes of course, I eagerly await further input, but I'd probably benefit from a look at how it's REALLY meant to be constructed.
>> No. 98386
Title: Dusty Roads
Author: Kris Schnee
Tags: Normal
Synopsis: Joining the Wonderbolts isn't as simple as Rainbow Dash imagines. Soarin thinks about his own mentor as he helps the new recruit see whether she has what it takes -- and whether joining is really what she wants.
Link: http://kschnee.deviantart.com/art/Dusty-Roads-Fanfic-296121496
Chapters To Review: All
Comments:
-I liked TitanRising's story "Moonspire Run" (http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/10/story-moonspire-run.html) enough that this one references it as fact. It isn't necessary to read that one to understand this story, though. In hindsight I should've asked if I'd had contact info, but at worst I could change one phrase and no longer risk treading on that author's turf. Below are the comments I got from EqD:

"Unfortunately, I can't recommend your story for posting at this time. While reading, I encountered the following issues:
1) Basic writing style. You've got a great deal of "First I did this. Then I did that. Then this happened. Then she did this." While it conveys information, it's also incredibly uninteresting to read.
2) A great many oblique references to the Mane 6 that really don't need to be there. You've referenced Dash's pet turtle, Dash's flying style, called unicorns 'eggheads' in reference to egghead healers.. I'm questioning what that actually brings to the story. It feels like a reference for the sake of referencing.
3) Nonsensical sentences. What does this even mean?
I unlocked the door, a mass of unusually dangerous rainbow matter. [This and another bit have been changed. -Author]
4) Flat writing, too. The characters are coming across as automata. They move, and they speak.. but there's no vibrancy, no passion in their words. It's like a Shakespearean actor simply reading from a script instead of throwing themselves into the role.
[Suggested Fixes]
Take thee to Ponychan, and ask for a review. Request assistance for flow issues, as well as the things mentioned above. When you resubmit, include a link to the review thread so that we might give it a look.
>> No. 98388
File 133508258817.gif - (559.59KB , 382x479 , 133503297051.gif )
98388
>>98358
Thx allot conch, I've replied to a few of your comments and will probably be doing an overhaul to the whole story over the next couple days with your recommendations in mind. (Provided Skyrim or something else doesn't distract me too much)

The suggestion of making twilight actually being present within the story (as an observer) was really something i like and will be using.

As for grammar I know -.- Never been a fan of it but it seems like I need refresh on things. especially commas.

Anyway cheers! ^^
>> No. 98389
>>98374

It's not a problem, I would be a little peeved too after a wait like this when the other reviewers can put one out in a day or so.

I did mean to get a review out to you on Friday, but I spent a few hours reading through and absorbing... the wrong fanfic entirely :/.

That's no real excuse, though. I will get at least one chapter out to you today, with the rest following tomorrow :)
>> No. 98409
>>98268
>I've actually managed to (I think, at least) take out both of these issues at once, though it is with an extension of the scene at the tea-party. There are several mentions of the three words, and Pinkie receives a much stronger hint that these aren't her friends any more.

Mmmm, I'm liking the new additions. It adds considerable impact to the tea-party scene, and it come off as creepy when people smile like that without flinching. Good work.

Not much else to say here. You probably can give Equestria Daily a whirl as it is.
>> No. 98413
>>98389
Alright, thanks.
>> No. 98417
>>98171

All done! Here is your google doc:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lctrRgdoIBLGCcK5b7x1pAI_o__tcOodVNW-9Mkqu20

I set it to view for all, but if you want to be able to respond to my individual comments, give me your e-mail address. I don't mind clarifying/explaining some of my critiques if you need it, and being able to talk over G.Docs for it is easiest.



The first glaring issue is that the first page doesn't take the story anywhere. The entire first page is nothing but Twilight sweating and you describing random things around her room. You describe the walls, her desk, her lamp, her bed, even Twilight herself - and none of it advances the plot in the slightest.

The first page of your story is your chance to grab the reader. Make them care.

All your first page did was describe Twilight's cabin. Your readers do not care about Twilight's cabin. I don't care about Twilight's cabin. Your readers want a story.

The important information in your first page (the sun has not been out in a while and foreshadowing Twilight's emotions) are drowned out by paragraph long descriptions of her desk and bed.

I strongly suggest cutting out the entire first page and just jumping straight into the flashback scene. Reveal afterwards that it was a flashback, and go from there. As it is, the entire first page is, quite frankly, boring and drags on far longer than it needs to and just screams "I'm padding my word count!"


That being said, your grammar is fairly good. You grasp (usually) when to break into a new paragraph, and your choice of punctuation is mostly correct. Your only big problem regarding grammar seems to be knowing when to end dialogue with a period or a comma - I highlighted all the times you used the wrong one. There are a few run-on sentences, too, but you're mostly doing a great job there.



You are a very, very big violator of "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome." If a character has a name, USE IT. You frequently refer to characters as "the pegasus" in descriptions, which is incredibly confusing when there are two. It's bad form and extremely confusing when you're talking about a group of 10 characters (!!!) like you are. Several times I had to stop and figure out which pegasus or which "she" was talking.


One big issue I see with your writing is that you describe some things in extreme detail, and then don't describe important things. One time, a character mentions the runes they find in the room to be extremely important - and yet, you never describe them. In fact, they never even get mentioned again. Ever. It's literally "this is very important," and then nobody talks about it again.

We know down to the exact detail what Twilight's desk looks like - and then we learn nothing about these extremely important runes.

Japanese names. Please don't. Japan does not exist in Equestria, and having randomly foreign names tossed into a group of characters with all high fantasy names is just poor form. You have an entire world to pull names from - Pony names, dragon names, donkey names... hell, even Italian names are now canon after A Canterlot Wedding aired. Use them!

Fluttershy's personality, I felt, was also a big no-no. You've taken the most timid pony in all of Ponyville and suddenly twisted them into a fearless fighter who is ready to charge head on and kill Discord and not explained for a second why. It doesn't work for me, and it won't work for most readers.

The missile launcher. I talked about this in the google doc, but I feel it needs to be mentioned again. Frankly, having a character with a weapon as technologically advanced as a missile while the rest of the characters are wearing chainmail and swords is just absurd to me. It's so, so out of place.


Lastly! Your ending confuses me. How did she forget how everything started? It's HER journal! That simply doesn't make sense. There are a thousand reasons for her to go back and read the beginning, but "she wanted to see how everything started" just isn't logical. I highly suggest giving Twilight another reason to go back and read the start.

All that being said, you did have some fairly interesting forshawdowed tidbits thrown in that I liked. The Diamond Dog mentioning that Discord wiped out the rest of his race was interesting, and makes me want to continue reading to see what happened. In addition, giving the reader the slight hint that the sun has not shined in a long time is a fairly good twist that makes the reader think something happened to Celestia. Both of those were very good, and I'd like to see more.



All that being said, the story was somewhat interesting. However, you really need to work on reining in your use of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, cop-out adverbs and put more effort into describing things that matter instead of using descriptions to pad your word count.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
>> No. 98418
>>98417

Link didn't seem to work... let's try that again:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lctrRgdoIBLGCcK5b7x1pAI_o__tcOodVNW-9Mkqu20/edit
>> No. 98419
>>98409

Wow! I'm glad you like them :)

I'll be sending it off to EqD, then. Thank you so much for all your patience and help, Grif. :)

Hopefully it'll pay off!

Now, off to the opening chapter of The Sweetest Gem.
>> No. 98429
>>98384

>Having just read through your first round of comments, I actually find them "massively" useful (see what I did there?).
Yay! But it's not actually dialogue so use single quotes!
But... it's not actually story narrative. It's a 'chan post.
I have no off button. :(

>Nah, you didn't sound mean. I actually thought of the Cinema Snob's voice when reading your comments, and thought of it as... well, a riff/review.
Oh, thank goodness. I'm of the opinion that being mean and nasty does nobody any favors.
Want to know an interesting fact? When you yell at people, they stop listening. They become adversarial, and they close their minds. Thus, yelling or insulting someone will always undermine what you're trying to say (Unless you're shouting because you're really far away, or there's a lot of noise or something... but that's not nearly so insightful).
>Some of it was so funny it left me breathless and in TEARS... Particularly that bit about Mandeville being psychotic.
Funny 'on purpose,' right? :)
Also. Are you telling me he isn't psychotic!? I wouldn't trust him with string, let alone The Button. Let alone a factory that mass produces The Buttons. He probably gives out free samples. That work.

>Your style of listing mistakes under various umbrellas is really helpful, and the fact that you offer really good corrections is even better.
>I'll admit, my experience in writing is only from trial and error, and it wasn't till I hit-up ponychan that I started learning something OTHER than script-format.
Whenever I see repeated mistakes, I try to mention them repeatedly: people learn through repetition and reinforcement. Simply saying "This is a problem: now that I've mentioned it once, I expect you to fix it on your own" doesn't seem very helpful to me. The writer's problem isn't usually fixing the errors: it's seeing the errors in the first place, and being able to see them in the future. Thorough commenting is a lot of work, but I' m very glad it's a good payoff.

>Really, I probably need to see a template of how something is written. I've never heard this "1 paragraph = 1 complete thought" rule. Generally, I write like this:
>[Long paragraph or series of paragraphs with no dialogue attached. Split paragraphs if they become too many lines long, or someone starts talking]
There are technical rules for making paragraphs, but "One paragraph, one complete thought" is a good way to think of it from a less mechanical perspective. Clarity and flow are your ultimate objectives, and having a specific idea or topic in mind when you start a paragraph allows you to compose it better. It's not just a matter of length, either. A paragraph can be very long and yet be perfectly coherent.

I will include some example tempaltes in the final summary. Also note that most of my advice on how to distribute dialogue throughout a paragraph won't be of any use for paragraphs that have no dialogue. Paragraphs comprised of mostly narration require a different bag of tricks.

>I'll admit, my experience in writing is only from trial and error, and it wasn't till I hit-up ponychan that I started learning something OTHER than script-format.
Script-Format! That explains a great deal! I consistantly got the feeling that you were a good writer with good ideas, but that you were playing with a box of unfamiliar tools. It seems you're simply familiar with a different set of tools than I am.
No shame in this. Writers go through an enormous amount of trouble and stress to make their writing seem natural. Easy reading is damned hard work to make... and when you execute it perfectly, the payoff is that the reader never realizes how much work it was. Brutal. :)

>Don't let this stop you from pointing out my mistakes of course, I eagerly await further input, but I'd probably benefit from a look at how it's REALLY meant to be constructed.
I will do what I can in my final summary. I've slipped a few comments out early for this post, but I should still have something left to say... especially about characterization, premise, and plot.
Also, I can tell you're a writer: I'm telling you everything that's wrong with your story, and you're thankful and eager for more. :)
>> No. 98431
>>97810

(There are some other comments in the Gdoc, too. I might also add some more with another look back, so just be wary of that :) )

Okay, first impressions… well done!

Seriously, this is a nice and pleasant bit of writing. I can’t really comment much on the description or offer suggestions on that front, because I tend to stray far too deep into them and I would end up just bogging down the rest of your story. I would suggest two things though regarding the writing itself.

The first is to watch out for repetition. As a general rule of thumb, except for names, I would advise against being able to see the same word more than once on the screen if it’s a description or less-common noun. For example, right near the beginning, you used the word explosion twice in as many sentences, and there was at least once where you had two characters sharing a body movement in the same sentence and still used the word for each character.

The second is that there were one or two times where I felt that the writing was a little… brief. Like when Sweetie Belle watches Spike fawning over the gem she’s just given him, and the only description we get is that he looks adorable. I’m probably just dipping into my own vat of pointless description, but I think it would be a little better to maybe describe a facet or two of Spike’s expression, and then have Sweetie Belle remark that he looks adorable in thought.

Speaking of thought, I have to say that this was probably the thing which struck me most about your writing. Just how well you blended thoughts and dialogue, particularly during the little back-and-forth between SB and Spike near the end really conveyed a lot. Normally, I would advise against switching the viewpoint between characters during a single segment, but I think you pulled it off well.

Just two more slight niggles, and they both concern the thoughts. I have to say that Sweetie’s realisation came off a bit too strong for me. Not that it was badly timed, but I think having her think that she “loves” Spike so early on is a bit much. On the one hand, it does fit the slightly childish nature of the declaration, but on the other it doesn’t quite gel with the nervousness at the beginning. Maybe it could just be described as a crush, or a like.

The other is concerning Rarity’s thoughts. Not to be harsh, but you used a couple of words that I don’t think she would use, like “gonna” and “eat it like a snack later” (I think it should just be “snack on it”, personally).

On to Chapter Two! :)
>> No. 98432
>>98429

>Yay! But it's not actually dialogue so use single quotes!

Sorry to but in on your review, but can I just ask you something?

If you have a sentence like this: Thus her patented “There’s nothing to celebrate for the moment so lets just have a bash to keep things all lively and fun!” Party had been born.

Does the part in double quotes belong in those doubles, or should those be singles.

(Again, I apologise if I'm not supposed to do this on the Training Grounds. It's just that the pre-reader's reply first time around mentioned that it should be doubles)
>> No. 98438
>>98432
In American punctuation, double quotes are appropriate in this situation. Single quotes are only for quotes within other quotes.
>> No. 98439
>>98438

>In American punctuation, double quotes are appropriate in this situation. Single quotes are only for quotes within other quotes.

Thank you! :)
>> No. 98446
>>98431
Funnily enough, I experimented with adding more to that scene of Sweetie thinking while Spike is fawning over the gem, but I thought it was beginning to get a little wordy, so I truncated it down.

As for Sweetie's early realization, I actually had it later on in the fic when the last time I had this fic up for review, and the reviewer was bothered by it because there wasn't enough romantic language right off the bat.

I'll hold off on reading the in-doc notes until you've got everything done.
>> No. 98451
>>98373
Of course. My email's in the trip; gchat or gmail are the best ways to get ahold of me kubasa threads are clunky and the IRC is balls.

>>98368 was not my intended response.
>> No. 98459
I'm formally acknowledging your review of my fic, Mr. Pascoite.

First off, thank you for taking the time to read and review my fic. I really appreciate it. I also had no idea about the subjective mood thing, so it was a real eye-opener.

I find that I have a bit of a repetitive problem as you've noticed. I'll be sure to work on that. As for this piece, I also agree that it could be expanded upon. All of your points are a real eye-opener too. I guess when I first wrote it, I did it in a short period of time but never really thought too hard about it. After I fix up my fic, I'll be sure to resubmit it and make sure that it's executed much better.

As for the last paragraph under your Character/Plot section, I think I need to rewatch those episodes because I had forgotten all about them. I wrote this before Filthy Rich existed and seem to have forgotten that he even existed.

Thanks again for your review, Mr. Pascoite. I'll be sure to take your advice to heart and get this fic fixed up. :D
>> No. 98460
>>97910
Oh, mighty and terrible Horseman! Hast thou finished thine review?
>> No. 98461
>>98438
Sorry to butt in on somebody butting in on my review, but I suspect I may be using single-quotation marks incorrectly.

I understand single within double:
>Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes. "Thanks for the 'brilliant' suggestion."

And if it's just the narrator talking, then:
>Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes at the "brilliant" suggestion.

But what about both?
>Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes at the 'brilliant' suggestion. "Thanks for that."

If I make it double quotes, it makes it seem like the character spoke it aloud. But if single quotes are correct, then this should be:
>Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes at the 'brilliant' suggestion.

I are confused. In this case, should I treat the narrator's commentary as if it were already dialogue?
>> No. 98462
>>98377

I'm a shameless sucker for shipping stories, so I claim you!

I'll set to work on the review right away.
>> No. 98464
>>98461
you could also just use italics instead of quotes...

but maybe I'm wrong here.
>> No. 98465
>>98330
Wait. What?
Why was Black Equinox removed from the queue? My review hasn't been finished or posted in completeness. Did I give that impression?
>> No. 98466
>>98465
That probably was me, I don't read through entire reviews and there wasn't a part 1 of ? in the title...

plus it had been acknowledged by the author... but don't worry it's in old entries now. It isn't deleted.
>> No. 98485
>>98418
wow, thanks.
going to fix the problems you mentioned now.
>> No. 98487
>>98485

No problem! If you have any further questions, feel free to post here or e-mail me using the address in my trip.
>> No. 98506
File 133512908449.png - (492.80KB , 470x794 , elements_of_harmony twilight_sparkle.png )
98506
Verily, part two!

>>98343
Well, rereading this with a proper mindset of what it is and is not, it does read a bit better. My initial misreadings did color my initial enjoyment of the story greatly. I'll just touch on some of the high-level points from the reread.

I rescind an earlier comment about removing ToG altogether. I see what you were doing with using them as a tool of deception on Luna's part. However, ToG is used as a pawn, and is intended to be the audience's viewport for the events of the story which largely don't concern... I'ma just assume "him". I think that's part of the earlier confusion. There's so much emphasis placed on ToG's backstory, mannerisms (sleeping while standing up), and desires, when ultimately the story isn't about him. I don't want to give you the wrong impression; these are good things to have when writing a believable OC, so I'm not trying to suggest you nix them entirely. I'm just saying, when ToG is really not the focal point of the story, I think some of these details are excessive and distracting.

To that point, you could probably axe the first few pages, and start right at the Celestia/ToG first meeting, in media res. Details about who ToG is, and what makes him tick, can be interspersed with the action as those details are needed.

I was a bit confused about the "we're hiding our diaries from each other and putting juicy secrets in them, but we fully know and expect them to find and read it". Is this just a sort of idle, passive-aggressive game that ageless beings play? It then starts to feel at odds when we get to the whole "I wrote evil plans in my secret diary, and then Luna read my evil plans just like I expected her to, and then I was a bit surprised when she didn't like it?" It just feels a bit convenient. It's also portrayed as entirely in Luna's favor, since Luna is allegedly playing this game with her own journal, yet it never bites her in the flank in your story.

This also makes me question Luna's purity. Celestia, despite being played as a genocidal tyrant, still manages to be a little bit sympathetic, or at least tragic. She genuinely believed she was accomplishing the greater good, wanted to keep her sister by her side despite the betrayal 1000 years ago, and so on. Luna is painted as the "good" sister, which is fine. But considering she was involved in this diary game, stood by silently during the human thing, banished her sister to the sun, and so forth, is she really pure-good? Her intentions of rule might be much better than Celestia's, sure, but is absolutely everything improved under her rule? You got close here when Luna implemented the nocturnal policy, though everypony already seemed on board with the idea. I'm not suggesting you make Luna a tyrant as well (nor am I insisting you take this idea; this paragraph—like my whole review—is just a suggestion), but maybe a few other "life is better but changed" policy changes by Luna could be interesting.

I did like what you did with the Nightmare Moon event, rebranding it as a sort of private message of submission to Celestia. Interesting take.

The part about ToG sleeping in Luna's room raised an eyebrow. If anypony caught ToG napping in there with Luna not giving a damn, and they report this back to Celestia, isn't the whole plan blown? Seems a bit careless.

The meteorite idea was nicely diabolical.

I'm also a bit iffy on the Swastika diary. Was this recovered from the human era? So was the pony uprising after humans' WW2? You argue that the book's contents both gave Celestia the earth pony idea, yet was also magically hypnotic. Aside from fitting the theme of your story (I think), I'm not sure I see this diary as necessary. After all, Celestia was the one who suggested human genocide in the first place, presumably before recovering this magic diary. I didn't really question that the earth pony plan wouldn't be a natural extension of this behavior. Coming in and saying "she was hypnotized" weakens that.

The last point (and hardest to address) is the pacing curve. The climax of the story—arguably the confrontation with Celestia—occurs on page 9-10. The falling action continues from this point until the end on page 18. And I was advising you to cut some of the earlier pages, which will result in the falling action taking an even higher % of the story. In most cases, this would be very bad; you want the climax near the end, and just enough falling action to resolve loose ends and bring the emotional roller coaster back to ground level. But that's not the case in a fic like this. If my hunch is correct, the falling action pages are really the core of the story you want to tell: why Celestia was the way she was, how Luna reacts to the overthrow, how Equestria reacts, how Twilight reacts, etc etc. Regrettably, I'm not really proficient enough to advise how to effective write a story with a pacing curve like this; maybe subsequent reviewers will have a better idea.

While this and the previous review have been largely critical, I do think that there's a good story to be had in the falling action section (although I again warn that Tyrant Celestia is a saturated genre, so I can't guarantee how overdone these ideas might be). So while I am suggesting a rewrite for plot/pacing/grammar reasons, I'm not telling you to completely bin this story. With some TLC, it could probably be redeemed.
>> No. 98507
>>98466
No major problem: It'll be done eventually, no matter where it's listed.

Also, "Part 1 of whatev" sounds useful. Thanks for the heads up.
>> No. 98534
File 133513482013.jpg - (127.35KB , 1280x1024 , Lyra132640934273.jpg )
98534
[Shipping][Human-in-Equestria]

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/12225/No%2C-you%27re-a-unicorn.-Now-act-like-one%21

Bored with high school, Lyra's life changes when she's brought to Equestria and turned into a mint-green pony with a magical horn bulging out of her head. After an... interesting meeting, Bon Bon decides to help Lyra adjust to life as a pony.

The FimFic comments are saying that it's not detailed enough and that it feels too rushed. But I don't know how to fix it.
>> No. 98546
I'm going to stop Roleplaying now and talk normally.

I can't do this fic right now because of time constraits. I'm sorry about that, but I have a BIG rewrite of my own fic to do plus school so I cannot get to review this one.

Bummer too, considering the fact that it more-or-less appealed to me.

Sorry 'bout that.
>> No. 98554
>>98377

I return, bearing a review! As I ravenously eat up every delicious shipping story that comes in this thread, om nom.

Okie dokie! Here we go. I've read and finished commenting on your story. You can read the Google Doc here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Q0WL3u4-aiuUB00K-_4IuNDiHfFlWg5MIgCp4khoYGI/edit

In addition, because you use your e-mail in your trip, I have given you comment powers on that! So, if you would like to respond to any of my comments, please feel free to do so right in that doc.

Moving along:

I like your opening. Dash waking up and not remembering anything is a bit cliche, but I'm sure you were expecting that when you came into writing this fic. Her waking up is fairly well described (except for a few parts, which I commented). Finding her name from Derpy delivering mail was neat, and I laughed out loud at Dash having pictures of herself in her home - that's so Rainbow Dash.

I don't like, however, how Dash wakes up and immediately suspects that she's there because she slept with a stallion. She isn't some rampant, wild party girl who would just go home and sex up a guy for no reason - and besides, even if she was, she doesn't remember anything. Why would she assume that about herself when she doesn't even know her name? It seems extremely out of place, and quite frankly, demeaning towards Dash.

There is absolutely no evidence to suggest to the reader - or Dash - that she had random sex. Why do you, the author, want us to think that?

I like how you gave a hint towards where she was headed by the stack of library books. That was neat - it gave Dash a place to go look and a hint to the reader where things were going. I dislike how you fed that info to me, your reader, and then disregarded it by having Rarity drag Dash to the library, regardless of the clues.

The biggest, glaring issue I have with your story is that for someone who wants to reclaim her memories, Rainbow Dash really does not seem to give a shit. Honestly, I don't know how else to put that.

Dash frequently just allows ponies who *know what happened to her* just walk away, and she doesn't even try to mine any information from them. She literally asks once or twice, then just gives up.

If Rainbow Dash doesn't care about getting her memories back, why should the reader? I feel that you should be making Rainbow Dash much more aggressive. She shouldn't just be letting people go so easily.

In addition, Dash seems to have really strong mood swings. In the scene with Pinkie Pie, she snaps for no real reason. Sure, Pinkie admits to doing "something stupid," but she's apologetic about it and I see no reason for Dash to lash out at her for it.

...And then when angered, she just lets Pinkie walk away without even trying to stop her. She's literally staring at the (potential) reason she has no memories - and just says "meh, whatevs" and lets her go, only to immediately try and find someone else who knows something and whine about being hungry. There is absolutely zero reason for Dash to not stomp off after Pinkie and get answers - same with Scootaloo.



This story isn't bad, by any means. The "oh no I have amnesia" thing is a bit cliche, but it can be forgiven. The overbearing flaw is simply Dash's attitude. Nothing she does makes sense. She wants to get her memories back - but does nothing to do that. The desperation she's experiencing to find herself is completely lost in your fic, because Dash simply does not care about her own memories.
>> No. 98555
>>98546
Aw, crap-monkies.

Oh, well. It's cool, bro. Thanks for trying.

SOOOOOOO, anypony ELSE feel like taking on my story? I get the feeling, since I've been skipped a bunch in the queue, that no one finds my premise appealing?
>> No. 98559
File 133514523814.jpg - (165.34KB , 945x945 , 133237864127.jpg )
98559
>>98534
I'd like to review this one please. It'll be my first shipping fic. What adventures await?
>> No. 98560
>>98461
Still double quotes. You'd have to do what you can to disambiguate what's speech and what isn't through speaking tags and such, if necessary, but in the example given, the reader wouldn't have a hard time figuring out what you mean.
>> No. 98563
Title: Lyra's Metamorphosis
Author: Kirdus
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Adventure] [Cross-over] [Shipping]

Synopsis: Lyra, shattered by rejection, falls into a recurring dream that calls into question all of her most important life choices. She resolves to persue the dream that plagues her and right the imbalance in her life.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FFu9IeTxh306Xwkc42YQ41jmxHWbDyjP06rZS4hd4zg/edit

Previous comments were that OC characters were being introduced at random and that I was breaking canon stuff at places. I'm not really sure what the previous guy meant by these or where the problems actually were so its probable that the problem is still there.
>> No. 98574
>>98559
>>98534

Alright, so you said that you had a problem with pacing, and you're right! You also have some problems with telling vs. showing. I'd like to direct you to the Show Don't Tell section of Ezn's guide. Read it all, including the story he posts. It will definitely help you: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xemG7BLk2rvAmQCREIaj5wX2ubvmVt7WziEvh7xXV9g/edit?pli=1

Ezn also has a nice section on pacing, which is super duper mega ultra important. So brush up on that too.

On a lighter note, your grammar is very good. So good job! Also, I thought your characters were fairly consistent, with the exception of one little bit that I will point out below.

Below are my notes from reading your fic. I think you've got some major mechanical flaws. First, you definitely go too fast. I explain what I mean by that below, but, to summarize, your characters basically believe things too quickly. Bon Bon is throwing a frying pan and soap at Lyra, then they're having a slumber party. The Library scene was okay, but you sort of messed up the perspective there, and I think both the eating scene and music shop scene were fine too. They're not too fast. I thought the "Lyra can suddenly do magic and play the lyre" thing a little annoying, but I mentioned some ideas on how to fix that up a bit.

Notes:
“Her eyebrows pointed down” - what?

Don't tell us this, “Just six more months 'til you finish high school, Lyra, she thought”. Show us that she is annoyed with high school.

Alright, so I'm two paragraphs in, and I don't see a reason to continue. It's like saying, “one time, long ago, Celestia sat on a couch and drank some beer. It was warm beer, and she had a cat. The cat's name was linx. He was mostly nice, but he'd bite if you tired to play with him.” It's pointless description of setting, and it's a lot of uninteresting stuff for the reader to think about. I realize most anime things pull this sort of card, but they generally don't start there. Usually they start with some big monster thingy about to chop someone's head off. Basically, start somewhere more interesting.

Alright, this is getting annoying. Read this: “After listening to music a while, she noticed that the sun had set. She turned the CD player off and went into the bathroom. She flipped the lights on and turned the bath faucet. She took her jeans and hooded sweatshirt off, dropped them on the floor, and threw her underwear onto the pile. While waiting for the tub to fill, she glanced down. Diet time again.”

First off, I like to use an uneven rhythm when I write. By changing up the subject and the predicate, I can make my writing sound a little more interesting. You're doing it, but you're not doing it on purpose. Notice how many times you started a sentence with “she”, in a row. That gets boring very fast. Then, notice how many times you had to say the word she. If you're describing so much in one go, the reader will get bored. Tell... show us about the water in the bathroom or something. I think you could accomplish your goal by having one scene where Lyra is playing with some bubbles in a bath tub while contemplating the ramifications of her procrastination. My point is: description is boring.

Lol Trixie randomly takes her down a drain. I'll give my opinion on this later.

Alright, I don't understand this part... well I understand it, but I don't know why you wrote it that way: “when a mint-green unicorn poked her head out of the water”. Why did you “show” Bon Bon's hair, but you told us that Lyra was coming out of the water?

I don't like it when people use multiple tags for one character. It doesn't add anything: "Ah, creeper!" shrieked the cream pony, backing away to the other side of the tub.
"Wait," said the prowler”
Okay, first off, when Lyra is getting out of the tub, it's an action scene. For that, I would find a way to chop the single paragraph you have up into multiple lines. Maybe just add some more Bon Bon lines. That way you get the effect that things should be read fast. Second, this is a great chance to slow your fic down and add content to it. Lyra is a pony. How does that make her feel? What does she think of Trixie. She's got to be burning with emotions right now. Show them.
I don't believe that bon bon would notice the lack of cutie mark if some pony just appeared in her tub and she started throwing stuff at her.
This part feels very rushed, “In the living room, Lyra sat on the couch and stared at her stomach. "I'm even fatter as a pony."
Bon Bon dropped her weapon. "As a pony?"
"I'm a person!" said Lyra, "Or I was."”
The problem with the above is that it doesn't fit the scene. Bon Bon has a frying pan, which means she's out for blood. Lyra shouldn't be able to disarm her with something she says, especially if that something is “as a pony.”
"I'm a person!" said Lyra, "Or I was." - change that to "I'm a person!" said Lyra. "Or I was."
So Bon Bon is chasing this Lyra chick around with a frying pan, and suddenly they break out into a conversation about “My Little People”. Me thinks that Bon Bon is lonely. Anyways, I believe that you should do this: have Bon Bon hit Lyra, tie her up, then have this whole scene where Lyra tries to convince Bon Bon that she was human. Try your best to keep from just blurting out “Oh, like My Little People?” because that's weird. Instead, make that the punch line. For example, have Lyra talk about well known actors or political figures, and give the reader the clues that Bon Bon apparently watches this show with those people in it. Don't come out and say it. Show us that she is interested in this. Imagine how a brony would react if they had caught a robber in the act and suddenly the robber told the brony that he was a pony. There'd probably be a lot of disbelief and the idea that maybe this dude is nucking futs, but the brony would probably be burning to say “you mean like My Little Pony?”
Also, “My Little Kony” is funnier... since you're obviously going for the comedy angle.
“"So people really exist?" Bon Bon asked with the excitement of a little foal.” Again, this is just silly. Why would Bon Bon be all “lol so they exist?” in a moment after some potential crazy bad flank broke into her house?
Okay, I don't get why they're suddenly having a slumber party.
“She sighed as she dropped her head onto the pillow and fell asleep.” you probably need a scene break before that.
"We're going out for breakfast. I think a day outside will help you adjust to life as a pony." - Okay, this would be totally believable with the proper set up, but you've got to convince the reader that Bon Bon went from scared to nerdy.
“The thought of angering her host made Lyra bite her lower lip. When they finally arrived at the restaurant, Bon Bon stopped.” - I don't really understand this. First off, it's a tell. Second off, I don't know why Lyra thinks she's going to say some thing wrong. She didn't seem very shy before this, why is she suddenly tight lipped?
See? This is what I'm talking about, “Lyra stared at the menu for a bit; on it she found breakfast meals with oats, grass, flowers, and hay. "Jeez, don't you eat any real food?"” She's absent minded, but you're telling us that she's shy. Doesn't add up.
“Lyra just stared at her oats before eventually diving in face first. A couple ponies giggled at her as they passed.” Alright, here's a pretty good show, but don't the ponies on the show eat this way?
“Ms. Turner?"” - Ha, is this a timmy turner reference? Because that would be hilarious.
“"Before you go, could you give my friend a book on magic spells?"” - Hi librarian, I don't give a crap about you or where you're going. I only want a book... please.
"Huh? What did I do?" said Lyra. - asked Lyra.
Here's an idea, how about you set this scene up: "A lyre?" said Bon Bon. "You didn't choose that because..." - instead of her randomly picking this, why don't you have Lyra playing the Lyre in the first scene. It'll be her procrastination from homework.
To add to the above, I'd give her a harder time with trying to make it work. I'd have her try to play it with her hands first, I mean hooves! And then she could be like, “I love to play this but I can't...” or something.
“Lyra moved her front hooves to the lyre and started to play” - I've only ever heard of Lyra playing the lyre with her magic.
>> No. 98589
Well, I decided to write a one-shot, so here it is looking for some reviews.

Title: A FLEat|ng LIght |n thE DArknEsS
Name: Flashgen
E-mail: [email protected]
Tages: [Dark][Horror](?)

Synopsis: The following transcripts are of a journal found in Ponyville on April 16th of this year. The last recorded contact with the town had been 3 days prior, on the 13th, when a team under orders from Princess Celestia were sent to look into several missing pony reports in the area. When another group of investigators were sent on the 16th, the town was found deserted. The journal’s owner is believed to be the princess’s personal student, Twilight Sparkle. None of the town’s inhabitants have been located in the weeks since.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cLKeFLYSzM0c9W5CAo-nN7Z4f5ps26rMvjxvkEDIDJI/edit

Comments/requests:
I've just finished this, and the real things I "need" are:
1) A standard grammar check.
2) A characterization check on Twilight, the journal's author.
3) Is it achieving the [Horror] Tag?

Also, I know the title is odd, but it's a choice I made for a few reasons. Oh, and see if you can find all the hidden things. There's a hint to when they start.
>> No. 98590
[Adventure] [Grimdark]

A tale of a Pony born in a dystopian world into slavery, who travels far and wide to figure out what went wrong and what he can do to fix it.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/8722/A.C.

EqD pre-reader copy/paste:
Look for errors in the following areas:

Thought punctuation
Capitalization
Comma use
Comma splices
Tense confusion
Homonym confusion
Possessive nouns

Hello everypony! First time here, the EQD pre-readers sent me. I have this long story I've been working on for months in need of critique. Thanks to whoever is willing to help out!
>> No. 98596
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98596
>>98590
I suggest you fix the issues the pre-reader raised before pursuing a review. To do otherwise wastes not only your time, but the person volunteering time to help you with your work. Here, I’ll even help narrow down what you need to address.

Capitalization-
>I am a Pony.
No. Think about it, would you say
>I am a Man?
or
>I am a Dude?
Apply this example ubiquitously.

Punctuation-
Dialogue tags, learn them.
Comma splices aren’t hard, just google it to understand what they are, and fix them all. Example of the problem:
>But they didn’t take my size into account, I was still young and small enough to fit inside the barrels of produce that were to be shipped off.
… oh, and don’t start sentences with conjunctions. I hate that.

Homonym confusion-
If you know what a homonym is, these should be simple to find and fix. If not, google.

Connecting hyphens. Learn them.

Possessive nouns-
All a matter of placing an apostrophe in the right spot, depending on whether you are dealing with a plural or singular. Once more, a simple google search and five minutes of reading and practice will clear this up for you.

Tense confusion-
Likey going to be the most difficult for you to get used to. Google, learn, and practice.

All of the above issues are systemic, and you REALLY need to deal with them before seeking a review. If you have questions, or need help, that’s one thing, but it’s pretty inconsiderate to throw this at someone without doing any fixing before-hand, dontchathink?


Oh, an for god sake learn to paragraph break. Six sentences at max, unless you’ve got some birth-of-christ exposition going on.

Cheers mate.
>> No. 98604
>>97298
[Let's see if the third time is the charm.]

I had hoped to have this to you sooner. Please accept my apologies.

Line-by-line in doc.

There is little I can find to criticize in your story. The plot ticks right along. Everypony is in character. Dialogue is spot-on. The mechanics are excellent aside from the typos noted in the comments. I note one or two wobbly plot points, nothing major. Most importantly, the story delivers a potent bittersweet punch. I’ll confess I found your title a head-scratcher before my first reading, but it became clear afterward. Perhaps that’s your desired intent.

The one point that seriously bugged me was your OC, whom you develop perfectly right up to the point where he/she loses me. I take this up further here:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QJPyPV-T432dmrjcptzCtbpTokExJM8IvJE3zK_S18s/edit

On to stuff beyond the story. You requested guidance on tags. I am demonstrably the last person capable of giving tag advice. Fortunately, there is Ezn’s Guide:
http://derpy.me/EznGuide
The Presentation > Tags subsection addresses your specific question, but there is plenty of other good stuff there as well.

At the risk of covering ground you’re already familiar with, I’ll offer a far-from-exhaustive list of things to keep in mind when dealing with EqD:

1. When in doubt, ask questions in the “Official ‘Ask an Equestria Daily Pre-Reader Anything’ Thread.”

2. Follow the instructions on the “How to Submit to Equestria Daily” page to the letter. It’s at:
http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/09/how-to-submit-to-equestria-daily.html

3. The blogponies are extremely conscientious, but they move a million miles an hour. Things do get dropped and mistakes creep in. Make all communications specific and unambiguous. Keep special instructions to a minimum, and verify that everything is carried out as you request.

4. EqD will shine an intense, but brief, spotlight not on your story, but on the promo you put together for your story. Invest the same care here that you’ve put into the rest of your writing. Your title, description, tags (primary and additional), and especially your cover art offer opportunities to seize the reader’s attention as his eyes race down the screen. Don’t give him or her an excuse to pass you over.

I look forward to seeing your piece up on EqD in short order.
>> No. 98610
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98610
>>94214

Odd, how did this get orphaned for so long?

Taking this then. Yech, a 70k epic? Oh, well.
>> No. 98611
>>98596
Sorry! ._. Didn't mean to be rude :c
I revised the first chapter by your suggestions and I'll finish the rest tomorrow. If you could take another look at the first chapter and tell me if I did it right, that would be awesome, thanks.
>> No. 98627
>>98221

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1R4GuJTys5npGezupundxL58jrzcejcUl6RrvRthOsyg/edit

I apologize, but this isn't an EQD-level review. I am no professional-- I flunked out of college and wasn't in the writing program in the first place even though I should have been, that was the biggest mistake of my life.

Enough about me.

The real reason this isn't an EQD level review is that my actual knowledge of writing has failed me. Much of what you need to know is in the first review anyway, and I don't want to just tell you "this is not so good, make it better" when I don't know how to properly articulate what you've done wrong.

So, here's what I have to say:

Your pre-reader is both right and wrong about Rarity's attraction to Fluttershy. No you don't need to go way out of your way to justify it, yes you do need to tell us more about how Rarity feels. You have that one little fantasy scene, which is a perfectly nice idea, but we hear nothing else about Rarity struggling to keep her hormones in check while, say, sitting in a hot bath with her friends at the spa. Surely you can empathize with having a sneaking, undeniable attraction to someone who you would never admit it to.

The same comments about your writing quality are still true. Your description needs work though you didn't have quite so many flubbed attempts in this second chapter.

Your Fluttershy voice is okay, but be careful of overdoing it. Find ways to express her without using ellipses. Those overstay their welcome eventually.

Your Dash and Rarity voices are not so good. In Dash's case you are going for something, and it's not perfect, but whatever, it doesn't have to be. In Rarity's case I just think you have to hammer it harder. Throwing in trite little flourishes like "dearie" and "oh goodness" is not the way to do it. Make her overall tone more formal, more Rarity.

Aside from the bit about Rarity's feelings and the bits in both docs about sentence structures and unnecessary wordage, the most important advice I can give you is to read that clopfic I linked you to and learn how description is meant to be done.
>> No. 98635
>>98446

Right, okay, all chapters read and digested, complete with comments in the Gdocs as before.

I’d just like to start by clarifying what I said about using the word “love” so early on. I understand why your other reviewer wanted more romantic language near the beginning, and I have no issue with their being the word love there. It’s more how it’s been used. It’s just bluntly stated, at the moment. When I first saw it, I couldn’t help but have this form in my head: “Oh. Well. I. Guess. I. Love. Spike. Now.” in kind of a robotic voice.

Okay, that’s very over-stated, but it kind of highlights the issue. Earlier on in the chapter, Sweetie seems almost nervous of falling so hard, so it jars a bit when she says so explicitly that she’s in love. Personally, I think it could do with her stumbling over a little in her thoughts. Maybe have her stutter the word in her thoughts, or even cut herself off halfway through the word with an italicised “like”, or insisting that it's just a crush. Doing this might also help her felling in love with Spike seem a little more gradual, as well.

Anyway, as for the rest of the chapters, I can’t really find that much to say in terms of characterisation. Everypony, barring a few instances of dialogue, seemed to be in character to me.

However, I would say that there is still an issue with your writing, related to something one of the other reviews picked up. To put it simply, it is still rather dry. There’s nothing in it that screams out “wrong”, per se, and the prose does flow well for most of the time, but there isn’t anything dazzling about it either.

Most of the descriptions are kind of functional, which might be why it felt so brief to me in my earlier review. Now, I say that as a writer who often fills entire paragraphs with gungey purple prose, but I do think there is a little bit of work to be done. Every so often, the writing could do with a little sprinkling of more imaginative phrases. Chuck in a simile/metaphor or two when describing an action, or how Sweetie feels about Spike. If you can also use phrases that would seem as though the characters themselves would say (for example, Rarity would use rather formal descriptors), then that would be a bonus, and a fantastic one too.

Also, another thing which felt brief were the conversations. You relied heavily on adverbs to tell the reader about your character’s dialogue, rather than either letting either the dialogue stand on its own or working in the character’s facial expression. Again, I tend to do this to rather extreme levels, so I may have a skewed view with this, and I think too many of them would spoil the pacing of the story, but as it stands there are a couple of conversations where all I can picture are talking heads.

However, there is one area where I think description can be dialled back a little, and that’s with Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Basically, particularly in the later chapters, you referred to characters via a brief description rather than by name. For example, you often called Sweetie Belle “the lovestruck filly” or “the heartbroken filly”. I would steer clear of doing this, except for when we don’t know the character’s name. If we do know their names, use it or an appropriate pronoun (or, on the very rare occasions when repeating the name or pronoun would be confusing, use the species).

Apart from these issues (I know I’ve made them seem massive, but they should be clearable in a relatively brief sweep :)), I did enjoy the story. It flowed well, and it kept me interested. I will admit, it doesn’t seem like much has happened yet, but it does also appear to be early days with plenty of scope for growth.

Keep at it! And, as ever, feel free to take everything I've said here with a pinch of salt :)
>> No. 98638
Title: Never Disturb the Past.
Author: AwSweetHolyHell.
email address: [email protected]
Tags: Dark, Crossover, Adventure, Shipping.
Synopsis:

Discord’s escape had threatened the fragile peace of Equestria, but that vile manipulator was back in his prison now. Everything could now return to normal, life went on as if nothing had happened.
And yet, unwittingly, his release had triggered an old seed the draconequus had planted prior to his first capture, some thousand years in the past.
An explorer from Ponyville will come across Discord’s ... last ditch plan and set in motion a series of events that will change the very face of Equestria and its inhabitants.
Why would he do such a thing, you ask? It’s simple: he’s a nosy bugger.
Curiosity killed the cat, as the saying goes.

List of links to the story:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/10204/Never-Disturb-the-Past
Which chapters you’d like to have reviewed:

Frankly, the first three are the most vital, in my opinion. I wouldn’t mind a few comments on the rest of the work, though. In fact, those’d be quite welcome.

Comments/requests:

Eeyup, EQD sent me here (Old Fart, great name too!)
What he/she told me was: a bit of a thesaurus syndrome (which is, in fact, true), a few awkward choices of words and phrasings, the whole punctuation and capitalization after dialogues and the like (although I quickly skimmed through my work on that matter and corrected a lot of that), aaaand a case of the Garry Stu.
It’s mostly the last issue I’m concerned about. It is true, the vibe is definitely there, but I’ve worked through the second (to a lesser extent) and the third (that’s the big piece) chapters to justify it. I’d like to know if that justification is enough, or if no justifications will ever suffice. (That’s the biggest concern because, well, the char that gives off a Gary Stu vibe is pivotal to the story, as can be expected)
I don’t have any choice of reviewers. Anyone with experience in OC’s as well as a little world-crafting (for the rest of the story ,though) is welcome.

Thanks in advance!
>> No. 98645
>>98604

>There is little I can find to criticize in your story. The plot ticks right along. Everypony is in character. Dialogue is spot-on. The mechanics are excellent aside from the typos noted in the comments. I note one or two wobbly plot points, nothing major. Most importantly, the story delivers a potent bittersweet punch.
Eeeee!
Thank you very much for your time and effort. It was certainly worth the wait. And as much as I'm extatic to hear so many good things, the constructive advice is the real gift. I have yet to read the line-by-line, but will do so immediately. And again, thank you!

>I’ll confess I found your title a head-scratcher before my first reading, but it became clear afterward. Perhaps that’s your desired intent.
The title was meant as a sort of sleight of hand. You think it's going to be about Dash learning that her ultra-cool view of archeology is wrong. But alas, no.

>The one point that seriously bugged me was your OC, whom you develop perfectly right up to the point where he/she loses me.
You are quite correct: I want the OC's reaction to shock the reader... but it needs to seem obvious and believable in retrospect. Your suggestions on how to adjust the OC's backstory and attitude were spot-on. The improvement won't even require all that much rewriting. Thank you very much!

>At the risk of covering ground you’re already familiar with, I’ll offer a far-from-exhaustive list of things to keep in mind when dealing with EqD:
Oh, good heavens no... I'm not familiar with this at all. I've read all the guides I can think of, but you never know when something could slip past. Thank you for pointing these out.
I may have to start budgeting bribes for a certain artist I know.

>I look forward to seeing your piece up on EqD in short order.
Alright... now I'm sweating :(

As a final note, I must admit it was interesting comparing my story with your own: a very similar premise with many similar points, and yet completely different in execution. This has been an intriguing experience indeed. :)
>> No. 98646
>>98627

Thank you again so much for your comments! I'll go through the second chapter's comments and reply to the ones I'd like clarified and such - just got home from work, so give me a bit, but I'll get to it!
>> No. 98647
>>98574
Thanks for your help.
>> No. 98662
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98662
>>98638
I'm not claiming this because I only read the prologue and the first chapter and am only really discussing the first chapter. This is in no way a comprehensive review, but I do have some thoughts to share on your OC. I've got two OC-centric stories on EqD – that's gotta be some kind of qualification, right?

Note that everything below is just the opinions of a guy on the Internet. It's your story and you should do what you want, but here's what I think of it as it is now.

North Star has a terminal case of Gary Stu-itis[/b]. This story will probably have to undergo some massive restructuring and revision if it's to have any chance of getting on EqD (or any chance of me wanting to read past the first chapter. And here's why:

Description
At the beginning of Chapter 1, you call North Star "non-descript". You then go on to describe his physical appearance for five paragraphs. You should never spend five paragraphs describing characters who aren't non-descript.

Relationships
As soon as you finish up with your portrait of the explorer as a nondescript colt, you go on to take out my suspension of disbelief with a ruthless three-point attack:
1. North Star reports his findings to the Princesses directly.
2. North Star is bestest buddies with all six members of the mane cast.
3. North Star's entrance into Ponyville provokes all kinds of attention, like he's some kind of local celebrity.

The unicorn explorer North Star has never appeared in canon. He is not GSBFs (Gary Stu Best Friends) with any of the mane cast, and I don't think he'd be either of those other things either.

With fanfiction (excepting alternate universe stories) your starting point is canon. Readers watch the show and have a general idea of what's going on and what's not going on in canon. Your fic has to take us from what we know in canon to what you're telling us in your story in a well-paced and believable manner. You can't start with the assumption that your OC main character is pals with everypony because the reader has no reason to believe this is the case, and (with no knowledge of who your character is) no reason to want this to be the case.

Worldbending
"Black hole sue, black hole sue, won't you come, and wash away the plot... black hole sue..."

You have Spike act out of character so that he can apologise to your OC and make him look good later on in the chapter. Spike would appreciate somepony playing a harmless prank on Twilight, methinks – I can see him laughing along. What's more, his current reaction is really just melodramatic rather than a case of believable overreaction.

The way you harp on about how much smarter Twilight is than North makes it feel like you're desperately trying to convince me that he's not a Gary Stu, and I'm not buying it. Gary Stus aren't about special abilities or unusual appearances – those are just symptoms of Suedom. A Gary Stu is a character who bends the world and the plot around them, and over whom every single other character in the story obsesses. And you have that. Twilight is eager to please... the townsponies are excited about his return... Pinkie is ecstatic about him being back... the Princesses are eager to help him... Spike looks up to him... need I go on?

Insulting the mane six
People who read ponyfic like these characters. Most of them really don't appreciate having some OC they don't care about talk about them being naieve fillies with no life experience who can't handle themselves in the big bad world. They're the Elements of Harmony and they've quite literally saved Equestria three times (pilot, Dragonshy and Return of Harmony). Part of the whole point of FIM (and one of the main reasons I like it) is that the mane six are capable, ambitious female characters and not damsels in distress.

Suggestions

I don't really see this as becoming something I'd want to read without you basically destroying the character of North Star as he is now. I'd recommend either rewriting the story so that he isn't automatically BBFsies with everyone in canon at the very start or writing him out and using the mane six instead.

Misc

Twilight and Spike have never called each other "brother" or "sister" in canon. It's a cute idea, sure, but not one that you can just insert for no reason and with no justification.

Some links that pertain to your writing style (use of descriptors instead of names to refer to characters and general grammar issues):
http://derpy.me/EznGuide
http://derpy.me/EznLUS
http://grammartips.homestead.com/splice.html
http://writing.wisc.edu/Handbook/Semicolons.html

- Use italics to denote foreign words (like d'oeuver). Avoid gratuitous use of foreign words and long words – never use a long word where a short one will do, as it impresses no-one.
- If you use an ellipsis in the middle of a sentence, don't capitalise the word that immediately follows it.
- Don't use bold for emphasis – roll with italics instead.

Keep writing.
>> No. 98664
I went to check the queue and realized I'd never actually posted my review for this. Dang. Here you go, Jazzyfeather, and I'm sorry it took so long.
>>95135

The titles’ formatting is... wonky.
>The Journey; Prologue: How it happened
>The Journey; Chapter 1: Dead city
Semicolons are not the same as colons, and it’s almost always bad form to stack colons anyway. Also, title caps—you don’t need to capitalize subtitles/chapter titles the same way you’d capitalize a story’s title, but people generally do anyway.

Ellipses: the style 'round here is three dots, then a space. Like... so.

Lots of run-on sentences. Lots of fragments. Lots of paragraph breaks. I get that you’ve made a stylistic choice, but you’re way too heavy with ‘em.

Onomatopoeia: almost always a bad idea. Especially the way you’ve formatted them, in all caps and set off by asterisks. Integrate the sounds into the story in a more natural way, e.g. “with a satisfying metallic clank” instead of “with a satisfying metal *CLANK* “

Various other errors:
>dark blue almost Grey
>laying in the dirt
lying in the dirt
>Her crimson eyes visible from the fire.
>Tree's were dead
>A four leaf clover, I was the first in my class to get it.
four-leaf, plus unclear antecedent on "it."
>Nopony knew what happened
Nopony knows
>Everfree forest
Everfree Forest
>See, when you travel in packs today. You are more easily spotted and a more viable target for attackers.
Fragment, too technical.
>Diamond dogs
Diamond Dogs
>turn in on itself
turn on itself
>fire, she laid down
fire. She lay down
That bit with clothing description—out of pov. Be more subtle.
>it's way
its way
>carcases
carcasses
>the great and powerful Trixie's shows.
>it next time.” ¶ She noted before
Dialogue punctuation. And you were doing so well.
>not touch it.” ¶ She exclaimed
>You'd be surprised at how dark a room can get, even in the middle of the day.
To whom is the narrator talking?
>Nopony knows who released it, none that's alive at least.
>FillyDelphia
Fillydelphia
>right;...There
>Ziggy-zag
zigzag
>the words. “I hate Mondays.” Was written
>*KLANK*
>For Fuck's
Hmm. Ponies swearing is risky, and don’t capitalize “fuck.” It isn’t a proper noun.
>looked at the it
>A broken police carriage usually means prisoners are on the loose. Hide, stay off the roads if you can.”
Police implies some sort of active government.



Okay. So, after reading this... I’m not particularly interested. There’ve been a lot of post-apocalyptic pony stories written. If you’re going to write one of your own, you need to stand out. That means, among other things,
>Your mechanics need to be damn near perfect.
That alone’d set you apart from the crowd. I don’t want to have to fight the writing in order to get to the story.
>A new type of apocalypse is nice, but not actually necessary.
Yeah, sure, new ideas are nice, but in all honesty? Ideas are worthless. Know it, love it. Ideas are worthless. New ideas are fine, but the story’s worth is in its execution. Don’t focus on your idea if it sacrifices your execution.
>Don’t be coy.
In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, “Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To hell with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.” This applies especially when you’re adding to the already over-saturated field of post-‘pocalypse ponyfic. Show us straight off why you’re a good writer and why we should read your story instead of something else. Show us what makes you special.
>Make it feel like pony.
Here’s the problem with pony grimdark: My Little Pony, by its very nature, actively resists grimdark. It’s inherently redemptive. You can talk about hooves and cutie marks all you want, but if you turn everything into blood and poison and your characters curse like fuckin’ sailors, it doesn’t feel like pony anymore. Especially if you’re using OCs. You can have darkness and pain—many very good stories do—but pony is, in some way, effective against the darkness.

I can’t force you to change anything, either; it’s your decision as to what needs changing, which of my criticisms are valuable and which are worthless. All I can do is offer my opinions. Keep writing.
>> No. 98670
>>98555
Hey, all. Okay, I know that this is all volunteer, that reviewers are free to pick the stories they review based on personal preference. However, what is the point of a queue if people get skipped? I've been awaiting a review since the fifteenth, and someone who posted a story yesterday got picked up.

Again, I understand that I am not owed anything by anyone here. I'm not standing on a soapbox demanding attention. I hope I'm not coming off that way, but I am a little annoyed that I've been waiting this long for a review. I get that my premise- a serial killer loose in Equestria- is probably a turn off to a lot of people here. However, it's the story I want to tell. It may be flawed, but it's my first piece of fiction ever. How can I get better if no one tells me what I'm doing wrong?

Once more, I'm sure somebody, maybe even a lot of somebodies, is going to think I'm being an attention hors begging for a spotlight. Far from it. I can tell you my story isn't ready for EqD, maybe not even FIMFiction. But that's the point. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. So, uh, yeah, a little help? :)
>> No. 98672
>>98662

Damn, didn't quite think the problem ran so deep, but yeah, I see where you're coming from on this.

Thanks a lot for the honest (and very precise) analysis.
>> No. 98674
File 133521138689.jpg - (172.14KB , 549x362 , 25117 - meme nbc rainbow_dash the_more_you_know.jpg )
98674
>>98670
Bloodline, by Jake the Army Guy, is currently undergoing review by jmozziel. G'head an update the doc to reflect this, oh ye gatekeepers of TTG.

Incidentally Jake, an I dunno if this has changed much, but it's been less than ten days since you submitted for review. Back in the day, the wait time could be weeks.

As to why later submissions get picked up before a given one, that's generally due to genre preferences. EG; I don't like HiE fics, and was only going to snag yours because you'd been waiting.
>> No. 98675
>>98674
Yeah, I kinda figured about the whole preference thing.

LunarShadow, you come to save my flank again. Thanks.

And to everyone else, sorry for cluttering the thread with this. I'm just overeager. :)
>> No. 98679
>>98635
Thank you once again for taking your time to read and review my fic, and I'm sorry if I was rushing you. Again, after all the hard work I put into this, I was really afraid of getting rejected again.

I think I can work with all the suggestions and comments you left, and I'm glad you thoroughly enjoyed it. But it still feels a little dry, you said? Hmm, I'm starting to think I'll never get away from that.

But... I'll see what I can do for this, and if I feel confident enough, maybe I'll try another go for EQD submission. Fingers crossed.

Thanks again!
>> No. 98681
>>98662

Heh, got to thinking about how to kick the Mary-sue out of North, and your analysis gives me a good idea of what needs to bail.
Got a couple idea, will get to work on it by tomorrow.
Funnily enough, barring the first part of chapter 1 that truly needs some work, this'll be a return to a previous version of the chapter.

Well, in any case, thanks a bunch!
>> No. 98687
File 133521754160.png - (878.15KB , 638x790 , Rinzler.png )
98687
>>98259
Claiming
>> No. 98691
File 133522057853.png - (302.49KB , 513x308 , Rinzler 2.png )
98691
>>98259
This story needs a complete, thorough editing sweep. Errors that I found were:

-Sentence Fragments
>Allowing me to barely make out the narrow cobblestone alleys cramped between the rows of double story houses, with metal roofs.

>As I return to study a tome of forgotten lore, under the light of a candle.
Neither of these "sentences" have a subject or a verb.


-Comma splices
>Darkness reigns in the streets of Ponyville, only some flickering street lamps, surrounded by buzzing insects, pierce the night.

>Ah, how good it is to have a competent handyman at your service, I simply couldn't image what I'd do without such a tool at my service.
These "sentences" both contain two complete thoughts, yet they are joined together with a comma. Commas are insufficient for this task; to join complete thoughts, you need either a semicolon or a conjunction.


-Omitted commas
>And the guests are they all present?
Even with leeway given for dialogue, this needs a pause.


-Unnecessary commas
>At least it's the only explanations for the strange dreams, I have.
You don't need to set off "I have" with a comma in this sentence.


-Dialogue punctuation
>Spike enters and bows "Supper is ready, Ma'am."
"Spike enters and bows" requires punctuation. "Bowing" is not a speaking verb, so use a period.

>the guests are already seated and await you." He concludes.
"He concludes" is a speaking verb, so the speech should be joined to it with a comma at the end.


-Tense Issues
>The library was curiously built into a tree growing in the middle of Ponyville, reaching higher than any other building. Magic is channeled into it...
Pick a tense to narrate in and stick with it.


-Wording issues
>he recently assumes to be a pony himself
Has no clear meaning.

>hoofwritten notes
The implied author of the notes is a unicorn; why would he write with his hooves?

>ambience
is the incorrect spelling of "ambiance."

>animalculous
is not a word, nor is it close enough to a word that it can be forgiven.



After getting over the very real, almost oppressive language barrier in this story's writing, I came to the conclusion that there isn't much story to be had. This isn't as much of a first chapter as it is a prologue, and it isn't as much of a prologue as it is an encyclopedic recounting of the main six ponies (and Spike) as they exist in your world. There's some rushed backstory about how some magic that Twilight Sparkle discovers is wrong (even though Celestia doesn't say as much), and then Spike returns, meaning it's time to start the next chapter.

This story needs... a story. Plot. Events. Etc.

I'm not sure how in-character your main six are, and the writing style definitely needs a massive overhaul, but for this story's massive problems, you did succeed in capturing a small glimmer of the essence of Frankenstein.
>> No. 98723
Title: Water Under the Bridge
Author: Rock Farmer
Tags: [Sad] [Human In Equestria]
Synopsis: A human stuck in Equestria reflects on his past memories.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1H2ELdIPAWxeZSD9eIZ4045BTN0hBrLFprVgIOvVHw3Q/edit
Chapters to review: The one and only :P
Comments: This is my first serious writing attempt for MLP, so I'm not really expecting perfection
>> No. 98739
File 133523338241.png - (860.38KB , 1119x695 , Daring Do and the Ivory Idol.png )
98739
NOTE: I submitted this in the old thread by mistake. The Training Ground's Queue has a link to the old thread's post. I apologize for this error.


Good Evening. I've been working of a fiction called "Daring do and the Ivory Idol". This was written as a way to write some more Daring Do novels to fit in with the one we saw in "Read it and Weep". So, it's a fiction that's meant to exist in FiM as a form of fiction itself.... yeah.

I'm a big fan of Indiana Jones, and I drew on that for inspiration. Some of the characters (Such as Scootaround, an OC who was introduced in an earlier fic of mine that I never posted for review) are directly inspired by Indiana Jones characters, or may have puns on their names, but they are their own character at the same time.

Tags: [Adventure]

Synopsis: Daring Do narrowly escapes from an old foe, only to find herself going from the frying pan to the fire. An ancient evil, a population corrupted against their will, and an intimidating unicorn threaten not only a small island, but possibly the entire world. Will Daring Do and her filly companion make it off the island alive? Just what is this "Ivory Idol"? If adventure has a mane, it must be Daring Do!



I split it into two separate sections, so you don't have to go chasing down a tab for every chapter. Chapters headings are in bold within each document.

LINKS:
(Part 1)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1n3Q-_fmQbEArH6kqDLpZIPn1eJP84Hs_p49I57DIahM/edit

(Part 2)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TONrOsVijBk9nGCv67PwnBsVkQlV5zt3hq66qH8DGtc/edit

I'd like to have the whole fic reviewed, if possible. Comments are enabled in the documents, feel free to add them so you can draw my attention to a particular spot.

Thank you in advance!

-Geno Blast
>> No. 98745
File 133523439940.png - (573.50KB , 830x464 , Finding Your Element.png )
98745
Title: Finding Your Elements
Author: RazgrizS57
Tags: [Sad] [Slice of Life]
Synopsis: It's no mere coincidence that the possessors of the Elements of Harmony all wound up in Ponyville. With careful planning, convincing, and a bit of luck Princess Celestia led six mares along the right path that would forever make them the best of friends.

But first she had to find them.
Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GanbqRZ1CpvIjrcd4pzEIMic9ZRwAQZBTyf1dB1qXk0/edit
Chapter 1:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LHSsZtQQisRReKWCnycvSF8SQmO2zQd1P9DBTZQeD8Y/edit
Comments: I only have 2 of 8 chapters written so far, currently working on the third. However I'd just like these two to be checked out, and any reviews given will be used to influence Ch.3 as well.
>> No. 98766
>>98745
Assuming you're the one that left a message in the spreadsheet, use the submission form linked at the top of the thread. It will automatically put your fic in the queue. It's also easier and faster than having a maintainer enter it manually.
>> No. 98770
>>98766
Thank you for that. I'm rather new to ponychan.
>> No. 98776
>>97756
(I derp'd it up the first time I did this, so Imma try again!)

I am asking for someone to take a look at the first chapter of The Winter War, my swipe at fanfic.
Location: http://anri-33s.deviantart.com/#/d4u2edj
Tags: Steampunk, Drama, Twilight Sparkle, Mane Six, Alternate World
>> No. 98777
>>98776
Um... did you read your previous review? >>97300

We've never gotten an acknowledgement. We'll need to know if you read through the reviewer's comments and made any revisions before someone else will do another review.
>> No. 98791
>>98672
>>98681
I'm glad it was helpful! Good luck with your revisions!
>> No. 98798
>>98691

Hmm I guess you're right, it needs something more going on.

Thanks for spotting the grammar mistakes
>> No. 98800
I forgot to link the new thread in the directory. Herpa derpa derpa.

These two were submitted to the old thread:

====================================================================================
====================================================================================

The Wanderers of Reality: The Equestra Imperative by He-Who-See's

Greetings. I have recently finished a fic I have been working on (well, the computerized version of the first draft at least), and am wondering if someone would be so kind as to review it for me before I send it off to Equestria daily.

Since I have no idea how G-Docs works, I have uploaded the first draft to FF.NET, the link to which can be found below.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8043577/1/The_Wanderers_of_Reality_The_Equestria_Imperative

On a similiar note, how does google docs work in relation to this site anyways? I'm not to keen on having to continually upload my drafts for stories onto FF.NET so that the folks on this site can see it.

====================================================================================
====================================================================================

Daring Do and the Ivory Idol by Geno Blast

Good Evening. I've been working of a fiction called "Daring do and the Ivory Idol". This was written as a way to write some more Daring Do novels to fit in with the one we saw in "Read it and Weep". So, it's a fiction that's meant to exist in FiM as a form of fiction itself.... yeah.

I'm a big fan of Indiana Jones, and I drew on that for inspiration. Some of the characters (Such as Scootaround, an OC who was introduced in an earlier fic of mine that I never posted for review) are directly inspired by Indiana Jones characters, or may have puns on their names, but they are their own character at the same time.

Tags: [Adventure]

Synopsis: Daring Do narrowly escapes from an old foe, only to find herself going from the frying pan to the fire. An ancient evil, a population corrupted against their will, and an intimidating unicorn threaten not only a small island, but possibly the entire world. Will Daring Do and her filly companion make it off the island alive? Just what is this "Ivory Idol"? If adventure has a mane, it must be Daring Do!



I split it into two separate sections, so you don't have to go chasing down a tab for every chapter. Chapters headings are in bold within each document.

LINKS:
(Part 1)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1n3Q-_fmQbEArH6kqDLpZIPn1eJP84Hs_p49I57DIahM/edit

(Part 2)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TONrOsVijBk9nGCv67PwnBsVkQlV5zt3hq66qH8DGtc/edit

I'd like to have the whole fic reviewed, if possible. Comments are enabled in the documents, feel free to add them so you can draw my attention to a particular spot.

Thank you in advance!

-Geno Blast
>> No. 98802
>>98800
To answer He-Who-See's's question, Google Docs is generally the reviewer's preferred choice of format as it allows for easy commenting and real time revision.
>> No. 98804
Missed one. Pav Feira, I believe you claimed this?

==============================================================
==============================================================

Ancient Dangers by goldar!E9k1wjKgHI

sorry about the old post, I removed my fanfic from fimfiction (the old link) so I could finish it before submitting it.
But I have the prologue for reviewing anyway.
Tags: [shipping][dark][adventure]

Synopsis: "It feels like an eternity now, since I began to write this.
I remember to have a peaceful and happy - although weird - life.
I'm not sure if it is gone now. I just, don't believe we will make it through.
Now, we are finally reaching the end of our journey, the end of all, and I will make them pay for what they have done.
I don’t care who they think they are, I don’t care what kind of power they hold.
I don’t care that they are gods and have the control of an army of undead.
But I just hope, my friends make it through, that we find victory.
Or redemption for that matter.”


Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c3MBpEC2nkQ_qTIJDKsNugFq5smgSLtvAbO0XuDP2TU/edit
>> No. 98807
File 133525289319.gif - (15.39KB , 200x200 , 132580617333s.gif )
98807
>>98723
>> No. 98825
>>98777

Oops... can't get this right, can I? Apparently, I missed it the first time around, as I hadn't gotten the submission format right, and so...

Thank you for the review!
>> No. 98836
File 133527459056.jpg - (12.01KB , 313x347 , Rarity-shock.jpg )
98836
>>94214
Well, I accidentally closed my tab and ruined half an hour of work. Here's the abridged version. I'll preface this by saying I only read the first five chapters as indicated by FimFiction. (Arc 1 and Arc 2.)

First of all, please, please, please nix all your Chapter Notes/Author Notes/Illustrations/Pictures. They are incredibly distracted and adds nothing to your story as it is. If you must, put them in your comments. The comment sections are there for a reason. The illustrations feels like a cheap way to get the reader to visualise stuff for you. Especially since it is a product of the thrice-damnable Pony Creator. The hallmark of a good writer is to be able to get the readers to visualise the picture/scene/moment in their mind without any other input.

Let's begin with mechanical errors.

Improper dialogue punctuation. You need to learn how to punctuate dialogue properly.
>"Well. Come out." The pony finally said breaking the silence.
>"I said come out." He repeated.
is wrong

I'm going to lift shamelessly from Ezn's Guide on the rules of punctuation.
>1. Dialogue which precedes a said tag can end in a comma, or an exclamation point, or a question mark, or an ellipsis, but never a full stop.
>2. Said tags are never capitalised. They are not complete sentences, and they should not ever follow full stops. Think of them as the subject and verb of a sentence that has the dialogue you’re applying them to as its object.
>3. Dialogue which is split in half by a said tag will either form a single sentence or two separate sentences. It should be formatted to reflect that.

With that in mind, the excerpts should be rewritten as such:
>"Well, come out," the pony finally said, breaking the silence.
>"I said, come out," he repeated.
Bear in mind this is systemic throughout your fic, and you will need to eliminate them with a careful eye.

Other improper punctuation. There are also many instances of you either abusing the comma, or omitting them entirely where they are necessary. Remember, comma are used to indicate natural breaks in speech. Take this excerpt for example.
>"Three Ms. Cheerilee." The pony said matter-of-factually.
>"I'm sorry that's wrong." Cherilee replied. The filly looked dumbfounded but nopony laughed. Most of the hooves went down but one remained. "Yes Apple Bloom?"

Here's how they should be written as:
>"Three, Ms. Cheerilee," the pony said matter-of-factually.
>"I'm sorry, that's wrong," Cherilee replied. Diamond Tiara looked dumbfounded but nopony laughed. Most of the hooves went down, but one remained. "Yes, Apple Bloom?"
Notice that I also corrected the punctuation errors in your dialogue, as well as an instance of LUS. (more on this later.)

Commas are also used to join two separate clauses together.
>When she had finished she turned back to the class and continued the lecture.
should be written as: (Clause indicated by parentheses.)
>[When she had finished], [she turned back to the class and continued the lecture].

The actual rule on the usage of comma is obviously more complex than this, but I shall not go into detail here. Do read a style guide or even wikipedia if you wish to learn more.

You also need to learn how to use the semicolon properly. It is not a supercomma and should not be (ab)used as such. Examples of such from your fic:
>"Good question Scootaloo." The teacher praised; glad the pony wasn't asleep for a change.
Only a comma is necessary instead of the semicolon. As a general rule, the semicolon is used to join two related independent clauses together. Belated example:
>This is a semicolon; it should be used as such.

Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I'll quote Vanner here, since he says it so well.
>Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

Some examples from your fic:
>The orange pegasus
>The griffin
>The yellow filly

Watch those. It's not very common, but it still pops up often enough for me to take notice.

All mechanical errors aside, I find your writing to be... lacklustre. It is technically competent, when not bogged down by your glaring mechanical errors. However, your word choice does seem a little limited and your style is a little on the simplistic side. The fact that you opened up with a five paragraph description of the room nearly lost my interest right there and then. While I feel it is necessary to set your setting and mood, it is a little overkill... at least to me.

There are also times when I thought you mastered the art of show-not-tell and other times when it seemed like you don't. It's quite a shame, I think The opening scene where you portrayed the initial experimental failure was quite descriptive and pretty much showed what a failure it was. Then we have this later:
>It was just a small tree house big enough for their needs and it would be a few more years before they outgrew it. To Scootaloo this was home.

The height of telling is here. We are suddenly told this is a small tree house and it is Scootaloo's home. I mean. Really? I don't know, I think Scootaloo deserved something more.

Moving on to your story, I find the initial premise to have promise, if a little cliche. Origins of poines have been done to death many times, some good, others not so much. Unfortunately, we don't have a story here about the origins of ponies. Instead, it's about the CMC being kidnapped by some Bond-esque villain and then transformed into an alicorn freak. Or something. Then they all got rescued and we get another three chapters of them running around town discovering their powers. What? And for some reason you managed to throw in a side-story about Scootaloo being an orphan, Rainbow Dash adopting her and then introducing her to... meat. Ugh. I literally rolled my eyes. How does this, in any way, relate to your plot at hand? Except for a brief blurb about Celestia, this all reads like filler. I don't know about you, but at this point, the story seems to just meander about, deviating as far from the initial premise as far as it could be. I would recommend you to rewrite the synopsis in this case. It's misleading enough. Speaking of your synopsis, why are you infodumping your entire backstory in your synopsis? Axe all of them and get a new synopsis.

As for characters... I don't know. They seemed decently portrayed for most part. Orphan!Scootaloo has been done to death too many times and it's really irritating to read that here. Dash eating meat came out of the left field and totally had me shaking my head. Whatever.

It is a decently written story, despite it all flaws. But I cannot say I like the plot or the characters. Your glaring mechanical errors made it hard to read as well.

tl;dr Needs a lot of work, premise is interesting... if it was followed up.
>> No. 98837
>>91229 >>90092 >>90077 >>89125

Hey guys, been a while. Hoping to get Pasciotte to give me another review, as I've finally got the chapter to a state I'm at happy with.
Sorry it took so long, and it's still probably not up to scratch.

Title: Fluttershy’s Shadow
Chapter: Two
Author: Broken Logic
E-mail: [email protected]
Tags: [shipping/romance][comedy]
Synopsis: Fluttershy has just recieved a bouquet of flowers from none other than her shadow. Or so she thinks. Twilight Sparkle, always the skeptical pony, heads out to investigate and eventually all her friends get involved with miscellaneous schemes of finding who the mysterious sender is. And things were already busy enough with Nightmare Night only a few nights away.

Links: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ylOSxfH9XWOEvx8Xn6gcpGmpXbUigB_InYREIbPLlvc/edit

Comments: I'd appreciate it if Pascoite took this back up, but again, I'd be thankful for anyone's input.
>> No. 98841
>>98804

I claimed and reviewed that here:

>>98329
>>98417
>> No. 98846
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98846
>>98723
>pic semi-related, and Kyon is awesome
Okay. Oooookay.

You've mentioned that this is your first serious attempt at writing. Good on you to bring it to /fic/; you've shown halfway that you want to improve. And the fact that you didn't make a new thread just to showcase it is great! So kudos, credit to where credit is due.

First off, a disclaimer: my advice is ultimately the opinions of a guy on the Internet, and one who generally avoids Sad/Angst fics because they're so whiny emotional in general. I hope you've spent some time distancing yourself from this little piece before submitting; it tends to help clear your perspective, so that you can wield the editing scalpel with a colder heart. Also, this overall is written based on post-line-by-line impressions. I'll have forgotten some things, and other thoughts may have slipped up during the recall process, but take from this what you will - this can be a guideline what your reader will remember and think of your fic when they look back on it.

Now, for the bones I have to pick with you:
1) Purple Prose
Your prose makes me think of the phrase "word salad", where you dig into the thesaurus and toss every word that looks edgy or cool into the mix and toss it up like a madman. I've labelled parts, with explanation, but I can boil it down to this: your guy spends too many words on expressing too simple a concept - and that concept is, singularly, grief. Strictly speaking, all 1500 words are all just him ranting about how angsty he is. It's inefficient. The more words and complexity your reader has to wade through to get to the meaning, the faster you tire them out. Same for repetitions.

I must confess, I'm a fan of slimmed writing. I don't introduce elements or descriptions that aren't vital to the scene I'm setting, and I try not to use adverbs more than once per sentence. But there's a line somewhere between "just about right" and "overly flowery", and it's my admittedly under-practiced opinion that your prose has crossed this line.

Connected to this is

2) Lack of sympathy
I cannot like your character. I honestly cannot. Now, I'm far from appreciative of angst as a genre, but I can say with good confidence that if someone were to just sidle up to you and start moping, you'd want to leave. You emit negative, you get a negative response back. This is the same case.

You start us off with a scene, very well. Then he "lets the luminosity imprint upon his retinas", and it starts to tumble downhill, at least emotionally, into what, and I doubt the validity of it, though it feels very much so, a pity pit. You see, you don't show us someone who tries. You don't show us someone who values his life, or is at least a bit appreciative. This is harsh, but he does not sound like someone I would care about. I can't be bothered to pick deeper, but I seriously can't think of a positive characteristic in this dude that helps me relate to him. You're playing the first-person reflective thinking card, and that card runs the risk of making your character sound self-absorbed. I have no proof showing otherwise.

The same goes for his philosophies and reminiscing and what-ifs. I simply couldn't care what his beliefs are because I don't find him attractive as a character.

In short, get us to like the guy first before having him spill his guts if you want the reader to feel for him at least a little. The principle, more literally so, works for Grimdark too. I would know; I've done something similar

3) Run-on sentences, weird paragraphing, grammar and technical stuff
Grammar was mostly fine, with the occasional slip-up. Run-on and same-structured sentences, watch out for those. That paragraphing, stick to a proper one, wouldja? Also, word choice - not the best. I've gone into varying levels of detail on words and stuff. Read, see where you stand on this, and then decide.

Hmmm...

I'll be frank. I may have exaggerated the level of angst perceived in your fic. The overall mood and tone would suggest this, and the above is really a collection of my overall impressions.

If you wrote this as a little introspective drabble for a human trapped in Equestria, you've pretty much succeeded. That's what this is. I just can't tell what you want this to mean to the reader. As a reviewer, I try to help writers achieve what they want in fics, and for this, I just don't know. It's a short little piece that tumbles and rambles and rolls around in its own thoughts. Readers can't really connect to these, since thoughts are very personal things. But you present it like one would present a picture. It's displayed. But that's it.

If anything, I hope that you've managed to learn a few things on writing in general, the technical stuff that you can carry on to the next fic. If you have questions, rebuttals or concerns, please do reply.
>> No. 98857
This is what I really needed. Someone to actually show me where my errors are. Grammar has never been my strong suit so I will work on fixing that for the revised version. I have already cut most of the chapter notes that were just my ramblings and compiled them into one big chapter at the end. I'll cut some of the pictures but the reason they are there is they were the original story pictures but as each arc passed I changed it and just threw the picture into the chapters it went with

I'd still like someone to review arc 3 and what is up of 4, since no one has touched it yet. I would like to know if I OP'ed Scootaloo. I have already depowered her a bit for the revised version (same outcome but she sacrifices her own life force to power the spell)

The whole alicorn thing was the professors attempt to create a super soldier. If it seems arc 1&2 are very disconnected from the others its because they are. Arc 1&2 were supposed to be it so I wrote them with the intent on that wrapping everything up.

I am working on adding more backstory and stuff. It does exist in later parts, but I'm adding more in the for of memories/flashbacks that come into the story and various points. I'll also work on explaining a bit more.

That being said, there can't be much canon story as every being who was alive then is dead except for Celestia and Luna. Again this does get mentioned and pointed out in the new stuff and in later parts.

Also, on arc 2, clearly you didn't read the title. It's Arc 2: Intermission. As it a calm period between larger parts so of course its mostly them hanging out. And it was originally planned as an ending so yeah it is a bit fillery. As for the synopses, it was meant as uncommon knowledge about the history of the world.
>> No. 98858
>>98138
I appreciate4 you taking the time to do a reveiw of this at all, a lot of pre-readers wouldn't have thought it was worth their time.

With the knowledge gained by this review (silly though it may be), I shall become a better writer and a better brony. Thanks.
>> No. 98859
>>98800
Trans Dimensional Turmoil has been reviewed by me.
>> No. 98860
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98860
>>98800
>>98859
crap... I see it's another story by He-Who-See's

anyway... he hasn't acknowledged my review yet (not after message on FF.net and email). So claimers beware.
>> No. 98861
Title: She of Gilead
Author: Cohesion
Tags: [Grimdark]* [Crossover] [Human in Equestria}

Synopsis: A crossover of Stephen King's The Dark Tower and MLP:FiM

Chapters: Todash (Prologue)

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/20366/She-of-Gilead

Comments/Requests: The only requests I have are that you don't take offense if I've made a stupid/cheeky mistake while submitting, and that you don't take offense from the fic itself.
>> No. 98864
Made the changes and rewrites in chapter 1
>> No. 98873
File 133529559928.jpg - (177.55KB , 1600x1067 , 20298.jpg )
98873
Well, just heard back from EqD on my story "First Dawn."

[Sad] [Tragedy]
Characters: Luna, Celestia

Synopsis: There was once a time when Luna and Celestia's rule was in its infancy. Thrust into power after her miracle of raising the sun, Celestia deals with the luxuries and responsibilities of being a ruler. After she loses control of her power, resulting in a national tragedy, she begins to wonder just what it means to be a leader with no pony and nothing to answer to.

Here are the pre-reader comments:

------------
Greetings from Equestria Daily! Pre-reader (name removed) here, and I will be going over your story today. As I read, I'll be keeping a loose scratch pad of issues that stand out to me. Rather than considering it an exhaustive list (which it won't be), look at it as a guide for the categories of things to be aware of as you write and revise.


*Multiple owners of the same object should use only a possessive apostrophe s at the end of the last owner
There was once a time when Luna’s and Celestia's rule was in its infancy.
-There is only one rule here, as indicated by its, thus this should be "Luna and Celestia's rule"


*Hyphenate compound adjectives directly preceding nouns
Bright pastel shaded houses
-Bright pastel-shaded houses


*Extraneous spaces
sweat running down her


*Non-dialogue verbs being used as such
"Silver, I am quite fine. This breakfast looks lovely," Celestia cut Silver off.
-Although an action often associated with dialogue, cutting (off) isn't actually a speaking verb.


*Capitalization consistency
*Your Highness! [and later] "Your highness!"


*Telling vs showing
She rolled her eyes sarcastically.
-Adverbs are often the simplest indicators of this, but you have a lot of straightforward telling issues beyond this particular part of speech.


*Semi-colon use
She flew with such speed that she felt the cold sting of the wind tug against her coat and mane; each powerful beat accelerating her quickly.
-Semi-colons, when not being used as a super-comma, should be used to join two complete sentences together.


*Bold + all caps
(Celestia yelling)
-If you absolutely must use something other than italics to emphasize a tonal shift... honestly, I'm having a problem condoning either of the above formatting styles, let alone both at the same time. If, and a very strong "if" here, you're going to use one of these two, use caps, and use them in a very short segment to draw extreme emphasis to a point. Using them for paragraphs (aka Canterlock) is just grating to the reader.


*Capitalization of tags following dialogue
"I...I'M SO SORRY!" She cried out,


*Consistency
(how the servants address the princesses)
-Sometimes they're informal, sometimes they're formal, but the break doesn't appear to have a rhyme or reason, just whim.


Closing thoughts:
Well, the story is generally well-edited, in spite of the mechanical problems I listed above. The major, major problems are how much telling you do, and also just a sense of meandering non-purpose that seems to drag us through the story. There is a lot that could be cut or condensed.


As I recognize this story from your question on Ponychan, I'll skip giving you the links to the /fic board, but I'm afraid I do need to recommend taking this fic to either the TG thread or an individual reviewer to get something between a line-by-line and a concept review. It's an interesting premise, but the story is pretty rough in places, and you could do with a fresh pair of eyes to help you polish those out. This is the first of three strikes for this story. Please revise, rewrite, and polish as needed before resubmitting.

-----------------

Here was my response:

-------------------
I'm sorry to hear that the story isn't quite up to EqD standards. However, please allow me to address a few of your points. I hope you'll find time to respond to them.



>>*Consistency
(how the servants address the princesses)
-Sometimes they're informal, sometimes they're formal, but the break doesn't appear to have a rhyme or reason, just whim.

I wanted to use how the servants address the princesses to help characterize them. Luna embraces her rule and luxuries more than Celestia. She has two servants instead of one, and spends time with them in her room. As such, Luna knows her servants better, and therefore they feel more comfortable talking to one another. Celestia, however, only has one servant, who she was reluctant to take on. She doesn't spend as much time with her, and therefore their relationship is more formal. She also tips Silver, making their relationship seem more professional rather than mutual.

>>just a sense of meandering non-purpose that seems to drag us through the story. There is a lot that could be cut or condensed.

I feel this is a more subjective complaint. I wouldn't say the story meanders at the beginning; the events I describe set up Celestia's character. When she has to strain to raise the sun, it shows she's still learning how to fully grasp her power. This is a bit of light foreshadowing for the tragedy later on. The trip into town shows she wants to be kind to her subjects and not necessarily have them view her purely as a ruler, especially since she was thrust into rule, rather than a gradual ascent. This is especially true with how she offers to help with the construction. She doesn't want to just sit in her palace and have everypony bow before her, she wants to feel useful. If I cut a lot of this stuff and opened much closer to the battle, her character would be painted in an entirely different light, and I don't want that. Perhaps you don't like the slow pacing at the beginning, but I feel it is necessary. Maybe you'd say the part with the musicians could be cut, but they set something up in a later chapter.

>>how much telling you do
Hmm. Perhaps a bit (especially the instance you pointed out with the eye rolling). I thought I was getting better at this, but I'll have to take another look.
-------------------

I've addressed the pre-reader's points, but I still need someone to DESTROY this fic. The story is only just over 6000 words at this point, so a line edit wouldn't take SUPER long. I need to polish the story as much as I can before I resubmit.

Thanks to whoever takes on this story.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FikaAFbB6puX7YPdEqxR0X3L_f3rvCzox9ZTWrzvUO4/edit
>> No. 98878
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98878
I'd just like to point out that the link in the Training Ground Queue for "Daring Do and the Ivory Idol" points to the old thread, as I posted in there originally by accident. I made a new post in this thread for it, and was wondering if somepony in charge could go and update the URL to the post to THIS: http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/97756.html#i98739

Much appreciated.

-Geno Blast
>> No. 98882
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98882
>>97756
Title: Nightdreams and Daymares
author: mareinthemoon
status: completed with sequel on the way
link :http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19369/Nightdreams-and-Daymares

Tags: [grimdark][sad][alternate universe]

Description: A horrible accident befalls Rainbow and she finds herself in the hospital, but when shes tormented by horrors of another realm will she be able to fight the rising darkness or fall to its embrace?

I would like to get full reviews please

comments: I was referred here by an EQD pre-reader and here is the message I was sent.

' Hi!
I'm pre-reader 3.pi. I'll be honest; when I first opened up this fic, I
expected a generic "Dash can't fly for [insert reason]" fic. Never have
I been so happy to be wrong. What you have is a wonderful idea, made
wondefuller by your stylistic choices. However, there are a couple
things holding it back.
Word choice
I noticed a couple mistakes while reading. Nothing major, but enough that it's worth one more proof-read.
"Rainbow befalls a horrible accident..." should be "A horrible accident befalls Rainbow." (Ahem, or "An horrible..."). Also, " The end is neigh." I'm assuming this is supposed to be punny, but just in case it isn't: "The end is nigh."
Show don't tell
This is the main problem of your story. Truth be told, I like your story, but I wasn't immersed. While reading it, I felt nothing (other than a little confusion). This has the makings for an excellent horror story, but it needs work. My recommendation is to do a full rewrite, line by line. Just copy-past it all into another doc and rework. You don't need to really change what you say (maybe a couple cases; see below), but how you say it. I can't really provide an example without changing the style too much, but I recommend checking out the Omnibus or going to Ponychan. The Omnibus has great advice, and the editors at Ponychan are god-like.
Gore
With very few exceptions (most of which are from pre-pre-reader days), EqD doesn't accept excessively goretastic fics. I would say that this story pushes the limit. Thankfully, you aren't extremely detailed with the, erm, mutilations. However, I would recommend toning it down just a tad. I'll admit that I'm not the most tolerant of gore, but I understand that sometimes it adds to a story. This story seems mostly psychological, and it feels like some of the grisly scenes are there just for the wow factor. If possible, eliminate them. If not, focus less on the actual... The actual, um, grossness.
Honestly, the only other thing I can really add is clearing up confusion. My guess is that this plans to be an "all will be revealed in the end" story, but as it stands, it just felt mashed together. However, I believe a lot of that was due to the telly nature of the story. I hope this helped.
With Love,
Pre-reader 3.pi'

I would like help going from tell to show so the story can be at its best. being told to show and not tell but with no instructions on how to do so is agitating to say in the least.

when its resubmitted to EQD I will have the gore toned down more and hopefully these issues resolved. If anyone here knows how to help me out please send me an email or message me on fimfiction.net
>> No. 98890
>>97134

How did THIS get orphaned? I warn you, I'm gonna be pissed if this is bad.

My technical writing knowledge is not where I'd like it to be, but I'll do what I can.
>> No. 98894
>>98890

Ending comments:

Your writing does have its strong points. Your Joker voice is nice, your Traynor voice is nice, your Shepard voice is nice. Your description has its moments, your grammar isn't bad.

On to what you're here for: Criticism. I would never have recognized Celestia if she wasn't clearly named Celestia. If you had just called her the Queen of Equestria I would have assumed it was somepony else. Luna is as bad.

I don't think you have a single correctly used semicolon in the whole first chapter.

For the love of God I don't fucking care about Thessia or Palaven or the war effort. The only reason you would tell me anything about those is to give Shepard an emotional state and a sense of purpose. You can do that while only barely telling me what happened. In fact, even readers who have never touched Mass Effect would prefer it that way.

Is is a good thing that you decided to tell us

about the Normandy's crew instead of just counting on the reader's knowledge, but tell us in sweeping terms about Shepard and the Reapers and how he's the only hope for the galaxy. We don't care about the rest.

And of course the biggest problem: Holy shit what is even up with Equestria in this universe. Celestia and Luna know about the Protheans? They know about the Cycles? They created ponykind? They promised Faust they'd protect the ponies from the cycles? what the fuck is this? You drop WTF moment after WTF moment unflinchingly, using Luna and Celestia characterizations that are already miles and miles off... You need to do something to 1) give crazy ideas like the involvement of Faust the weight they deserve, and 2) make it so that the craziness of Luna and Tia as they are in this fic doesn't outright shatter pony-canon. Let us see, at least a little bit, that Ponyville and Canterlot are the places that we know, instead of having us take that on faith.
>> No. 98896
>>98894

Hit the reply button too fast to say this:

The crossover of Shepard in Equestria has wonderful potential in two ways.

First, I hope (though I'm a little worried) that you let Shepard and some of his crew run rampant in cute, girly FiM-canon instead of keeping them stuck with your crazy-ass Tia and Luna.

Second, the idea of Equestria vs. galactic society and the cycle of annihilation is a cool one, especially with Tia and Luna having powerful enough magic to either hide Equestria from the galaxy or join the fight in earnest.

This will be a very good fic if you work on what I've pointed out. I tore it apart, but it's out of love.
>> No. 98904
>>98857
>The whole alicorn thing was the professors attempt to create a super soldier. If it seems arc 1&2 are very disconnected from the others its because they are. Arc 1&2 were supposed to be it so I wrote them with the intent on that wrapping everything up.
This should not be an excuse. If it does not fit, then make it fit. This is your story to mold.

>I am working on adding more backstory and stuff.
Good to know. Be wary of the temptation to infodump. That is bad.

>Also, on arc 2, clearly you didn't read the title. It's Arc 2: Intermission.
If it's filler, it's filler. If you think that is good, think again. At most(!), filler should be only one(!) chapter. The best is not at all. As it is, your story drags for two (two and a half) chapter for no reason at all. Shorten it, trim the fat and cut the side-story about Dash adopting Scootaloo entirely.

>As for the synopses, it was meant as uncommon knowledge about the history of the world.
You need to know what is a synopsis.
syn·op·sis   [si-nop-sis]
noun, plural syn·op·ses  [-seez]
1. a brief or condensed statement giving a general view of some subject.
2. a compendium of heads or short paragraphs giving a view of the whole.
3. a brief summary of the plot of a novel, motion picture, play, etc.

Your current synopsis fits none of those, except for the last paragraph.
>> No. 98960
Tags: [Dark]

Synopsis: Itchweed Nathaniel Grate (or Grate, as he would be called if he had any friends) tends to spend his time with nature, either outdoors in the untamed areas of Equestria, or in his florist shop, surrounded by his beloved flowers. But Grate has begun to see dark patterns surrounding Ponyville, from sinister thoughts within his own mind... to the very landscape itself.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22646/A-Grating-Tale

Comments: Review whatever's there at the time of review, as it may have more chapters up by the time someone gets to it. Also, we've already got an editor to look at grammar, so unless there's something absolutely atrocious, mainly pay attention to flow and characterization.
>> No. 98991
>>97838
Blaaargh. Sorry it took so long to get this wrapped up. I've thoroughly commented the first quarter of your story (commenting the entire thing would’ve taken a month). Those should give you a good idea of how to fix the rest of it on your own. This is a review, after all... not a proofreading. You need to learn to fix these problems on your own, and the first step is to be able to see them.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/13oQNoIVEnGhAK-PxOaxsd5B4IqsPj-57eXzIl26e2vk/edit

Also. My last jumbo-thoughtful post was mistaken for an actual review. Is there any way to have the review link in the Queue updated? It was bumped into the Old Entries section, so there might not be much point anymore.
>> No. 98992
Okay, so I feel kind of bad for dumping this here... but seeing how Vimbert is a little indisposed at the moment, I don't think I have much of a choice.

Title: Pony Effect
Author/screen name: Grif
Tags: (as per original) [Adventure] [Sci-Fi] [Alternate Universe]
Synopsis: What if ponies replaced humans in the Mass Effect universe? Will Commander Sparkle save the day like Shepard did?
List of links to the story:
Story so far: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/267/Pony-Effect

Chapter 9 (GDoc): https://docs.google.com/document/d/15coPvEXmsb84kRlx-tM6xDeZeawFaRYliDhxp9ZlowQ/edit?pli=1

Which chapters you’d like to have reviewed: Chapter 9
Comments/requests: I would hope someone who has read my previous writings/Pony Effect to review this, if possible. I'm not picky over who would pick this up.

Main concerns: Pacing
Handling of Fluttershy
Whatever else you think is important

If you would like a tl;dr version of the story so far, I can provide a brief summary in a separate GDoc. (80k words is daunting, I know.) If you would like to read the previous entries in GDoc, I can provide those as well.
>> No. 99005
Greetings. Could someone please look at my fic and tell me whats wrong with it and what should stay and what should be changed before I send it off to Equestria Daily for consideration?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/12S9IEAwscQl5VcEEkSTs--yl3aXd-D-itegse_FN9GQ/edit?pli=1#
>> No. 99007
>>98894

In chapters 2 and 3, you continued to make me smile with your Joker voice while still infuriating me with your Tia and Luna. At least after reading a bit more of them I've gotten used to it and can now see them as just alicorns named Celestia and Luna, and I can stop looking for their canon personalities, because by God the canon personalities just aren't there.

You seem to be intentionally going with the Sisters being nothing like their public selves, and that can work if you lampshade it-- that is, if you make it clear that you, the author, know that you're tossing what we would think of as their canon personalities out the window. Write a bit that points it out, and we readers might be less inclined to read it as you not knowing how to write Celestia. Perhaps something about the bureaucrats in the meeting in chapter 1 being surprised if they could see how the Sisters interacted with each other.

The invocation of Faust has been done by a lot of people before. Find a way to make this less jarring, and the invocation of Thiessen might be acceptable. Geez...

I do like how you sneak in the idea of Alicornians although I don't like that name for them.

Shame on you for writing Garrus out of the story.

I don't understand Cadence. She isn't real?

Again, this has potential. It's not the fic I would have written, and it might not even be the fic I want to read, but you've done plenty of right along with all the wrong I keep pointing out. My best advice is to work on my edits, scour your work for errors that I might have missed and that you didn't realize you made at first, and then obtain a second opinion. More eyes on your fic are always good.

I wish you luck with this idea. It has some fun potential even if it has things to overcome. I'll still respond to replies you make to my comments and you can email me if you like.
>> No. 99010
>>98991

Thank you, seriously!

You are one Hell of a reviewer, y'know that? You're kinda' like my 3D animation teacher. A master at his craft who doesn't compromise, but will appreciate the genuinely "badass" as he calls it.

I guess it's back once more to rewriting some scenes, for what I'm guessing should be the last time. But y'know, some of my best stuff comes from the rewrites, for one reason or another.

For instance, that Rarity scene from chapter 1 you liked so much? Not originally in there. I'd figured nobody would care about what happened briefly in Canterlot, and just narrated what happened in about two paragraphs.

I'm holding onto your review as a constant reference, and hopefully some things will get through.

Btw:

A: Mandeville has no illusions about getting back to his Earth, because the sheer odds of finding it again are impossibly astronomical.

...and B: Actually, I didn't realize the "Man-devil" thing until much later. Believe it or not, that was a complete accident! I just scrolled through a list of names and found one that I liked. Lucky coincidence, but I almost don't like it. Like you said, Mandeville is driven to do some horrible things, but he's not EVIL. There's no such *thing* as "evil". He's nuts, no question. His childhood is a minefield. He IS someone to be pitied. A man with originally good intentions robbed of his purpose in life and thrown into a world that he believes also rejects him, even robbing him of a clean-slate to work from. His reasons for doing as he does aren't *good*, but they're understandable, in a sick way.

But anyway, a thousand thank-yous! Truly the best reviewer I've experienced yet!
>> No. 99015
Title: Stranger From the North

Author name: Gernon

Synopsis: When the latest attempt by the Cutie Mark Crusaders goes awry they meet an individual who may change the very face of Equestria itself.

Story: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/4989/Stranger-From-The-North

I would like to have the first four chapters reviewed.
>> No. 99028
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99028
>>98589

Oh, small update. I'm aware of the grammar issue in the synopsis, as well as the misspelling in the title, so whoever picks it up, be aware that that's been fixed.

Also, have a cover image.
>> No. 99043
>>98175
Taking this.
>> No. 99055
Hello there, my name is Dublio and I reviewed the story "My Little Pirates" written by FullMetalPony. Thanks in advance for giving me the honor of reviewing your fanfiction so now I'm going to do my best to give you a comprehensive review. Most of the extensive comments were in-doc so I'll do my best not to repeat anything. Since you fixed most of the things I have already pointed out, I'll stick to a general review for any other people that may want to look at stuff to watch in their own fanfics.

It's usually frowned upon to use parenthesis in fiction. Although acceptable for nonfiction, it usually works better if you reword the sentence to include the words inside the parenthesis instead. Usually, you can also set them apart with commas if need be.

All of your dashes should be replaced with em-dashes because those were all interruptions. You can find the em-dash by looking under the Insert Tab, clicking special characters, changing "Symbols" to "Punctuation" and then "ASCII Based" into dash/connectors. Click the emdash and you'll be fine.

Be careful not to use the interrobang excessively. Although it's the only form of accepted multiple punctuation marks in a row (You don't want to use ellipses and question marks at the end of the same sentence at the same time), you still don't want to overuse it because it will lose its impact after a while. Same goes for ellipses. It gets tiresome to read when every other sentence ends with that. It's mostly the dialogue between Luffy and Pinkie that has the most of these problems.

Be careful of verbs that have "started to" or "began to" in them. Sometimes you want the characters to take direct action and just have them do the verb-ed form instead. In one part, Luffy started to open his eyes, and then several paragraphs later, he started to open his eyes again. I was like "What? Weren't they open already?"

You also have a bit of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome going on here. My fellow reviewer friend Vanner explains it better than I can.

Vanner:

Avoid Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Lavender Unicorn Syndrome is what happens when, instead of using your characters name or a pronoun, you repeatedly use other descriptors for them. You only have to describe your characters once, and again if something about them changed. Just
remember that “Lavender Unicorn Syndrome” affects hundred of ponies every year. Symptoms include cyan pegasi, white alicorns, and of course, lavender unicorns. But there is hope. Ask Nurse Redheart if new and improved PRONOUNS® are right for you. Side effects include better writing, love and adoration of fans, acceptance to EqD, glitter cannons, and dry mouth. PRONOUNS®. Because having a lavender unicorn is no way to go through life.

Alrighty, let's move on.

Your characters tend to have "responded" or "replied" as dialogue tags which is obvious since there are only characters in the scene at the point in time. It's a good idea to just stick with said so it's not too obtrusive. To prevent yourself from being repetitive though, don't use said all the time. Throw some actions in there too. Just be careful not to modify too many of your tags with adverbs, as that leads to telliness. Adverbs are usually used when you want to change weak verbs into something else. Instead of an adverb, cut it and use the modified verb instead. Instead of running in a hurry, say "galloped" instead, for example. You might also want to add body language that determines how they are feeling in order to reduce the telling. If somepony is in a hurry, describe how they are rushing from scene to scene instead of just saying "They're in a hurry."

Another example would be when you said: "Applejack nervously looked up at the cloud." You fixed that by removing the adverb completely but that just makes it boring instead. How about showing us more by describing how she looked at the cloud. Did she glance at it repeatedly? Did she stare at it? What was her facial expression? Please show a bit more.

When I marked down adverbs in chapter one, you didn't really fix them, you just deleted them. I don't mean that adverbs are bad, it's just that the verb they are modifying can be changed to reflect the character's mood instead. For example, instead of saying inquisitively stared (which is a mouthful), you could just say "Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow at Fluttershy."

The example isn't perfect though. If you need me to, I'll locate some better examples for you.

I noticed that you seem to have a lot of telling parts that make the story seem very unengaging. I've marked many parts in the doc but I couldn't mark everything because then over half of your fic would be yellow. I tried to pick the bigger examples though. Let me try to explain what I meant whenever I mark down something telling. That means that instead of showing me what the characters are actually doing, you are stating that they did something. Instead of showing an emotion like sadness, you just say "they are sad." Instead of telling me "she went to comfort" describe how instead. Did she put a hoof on Fluttershy's shoulder? Did she give her a handkerchief? What?

Your characters also seem like they're following a bunch of set actions and the way you word your story makes it sound kinda dull. Luffy seems even more stupid than he normally is and loves to repeat obvious things out loud. Makes me feel like they're puppets or something; I'm not really sure how to explain it.

Your narrator also makes me feel like he's the narrator from the one-piece episode mainly because he doesn't sound like an omnipotent being, but more like a character in himself. He's making comments on the story and leaving a lot of opinions in the narrative as well as not being sure of himself, which sounds confusing. If that's what you were going for, I guess it would make sense but I'm not entirely sure if this was intentional or not. It seems like before characters do something in the story, your narrator talks about it beforehand.

The same systemic errors that were in chapter one also appeared in the second and third chapters. I didn't mark every single instance but I hope I marked them enough times so that you know what to look for. Don't forget to go back and try to look for them yourself.

Last comment to finish off the review is a question. First off, what are your plans for this fic? Are you planning on submitting to EqD or are you just writing it for fun or to improve your writing? If it's for EqD, you might be disheartened to know that they don't really like anime crossovers so they will probably reject this. But this fic might work if you put it on Fimfiction. Crossovers are already hard to put on EqD unless you create a fic that is so amazing that they absolutely have to post it. Since this is an anime crossover and it just seems... average, then I don't really think this will make it on EqD. Perhaps I'm just pessimistic though so you could give it a try anyway since you have three strikes. I don't want to discourage you from writing though because many people will still have fun while reading this fic. It's just more likely that they'll be from Fimfiction, that's all.

Anyway, hope I helped. Good luck and don't stop writing.
>> No. 99072
File 133538863727.gif - (90.04KB , 700x408 , 133532212130316.gif )
99072
Attached is the banner for my story, BTW. I guess I'm just waiting for someone to review it.
>> No. 99079
Man.

Fighting this thing's queue is just a losing fucking battle. Demand for reviews outpaces supply by miles.
>> No. 99088
>>99079
The Training Grounds is basically an extension of EqD, so if EqD has began limiting work, so should this thread.

I suggest a strict one-for-one be implemented here, as in, if you want a review, you must also review.

That'll make the queue manageable in no time.
>> No. 99091
>>99088
That's a terrible idea, and the Training Grounds are not affiliated with Equestria Daily in any way.
>> No. 99094
>>99091
Why would it be a terrible idea? It seems fair that you give some to receive some, this place can't be run as a soup kitchen and the list of people unactive tells me the attrition must be terrible. So, limit the work people in the Training Grounds have to do by making the people who want help to show some commitment to writing seems pretty good to me. I mean, none here are language professors and few want to look like idiots and make their own story recieve a poor review, so at the end only those bothering to actually write better will do it. Everyone, except the people who don't do a thing for the thread but want help and then leave without a thank you will benefit.

An that's not true, the training grounds began as the equivalent of the Art training grounds done directly in EqD and was carried out as such (to the point no Ask the pre-reader existed, you asked on the training grounds), and EqD sends all the writers here well, those they simply don't say GTFO we don't want your story here because highly descriptive rape.
>> No. 99097
>>99079
I know the feeling.
>> No. 99102
File 133539601238.jpg - (313.40KB , 1600x1057 , 133040873876.jpg )
99102
Title - Grandmother Twilight Working title; open to suggestions
Author - Tamar
Email - if you know how to use a chan board you'll find it
Tags - Slice of life, sad

Synopsis - Young Shining Dawn is very excited when she hears that Princess Celestia is coming to visit Ponyville. But for Sweetie Belle, the visit carries much deeper meaning, especially when she learns that her old friends Scootaloo and Applebloom are also coming, and the Princess is coming on a very special visit for Grandmother Twilight.

Links - one chapter.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_1kkHyhwg7B09uo75nimQVfZL2e9cEl2rCMeM3NUQYQ/edit
Chapters - all of them...!

Comments - OK, I sat down and wrote this as a result of seeing this picture. It's not the first time I've seen the picture, but this time it really spoke to me. The result is not necessarily a manly-tears fic - I'm not out to write the next My Little Dashie - but I found it an interesting look into when Twilight finally leaves Ponyville. The CMC have grown up and Sweetie Belle has a daughter, named Shining Dawn.
This story is heavily influenced by Bilbo's passing at the end of the Lord of the Rings, if it wasn't obvious enough. So she doesn't die, since there can be no such thing as death in the marshmallow world of Equestria, she simply passes on to a new place.

I have my sights set on EQD for this. I'd really like a reviewer to see if they like it more than anything it should be 99% there for spelling and maybe 90% there for grammar. Oh, and maybe a better title than "Grandmother Twilight"??

If either Ezn or Dublio see this, since they know my writing it'd be nice if they wanted to give this a look, but otherwise I'm not going to be pretentious; it's a fairly short fic so I'd be grateful for any reviewer who wanted to look at it.
>> No. 99103
>>99102
Forgot to say in the synopsis of that:

*But for Sweetie Belle, Shining Dawn's mother... etc.
>> No. 99105
>>99079
Losing battle my ass. I've seen the queue way worse.
>> No. 99107
>>99105
At which point Terran came in, blew through all the stories he could, and the TTG was given another lease on life for the time being, which is currently using as well as it was using it before the Nuclear Strike occurred. So, expect another crisis any time now.

Which is why I propose this:>>99088

It might not be pretty, but neither is all the muck pre-readers and the reviewers have to go through.
>> No. 99108
>>99055
Review acknowledged.
To answer you question with what I planned to do with this fic.
Chapter 4 (a rough draft was written but I only planned on submitting ch 1-3 to EqD): Luffy would dodge Celestia's attacks until he escaped into the garden, where Discord would be freed do to Celestia's turmoil over recent events. Luna would join the fray, but a misfired spell of Celestia's would turn her to stone. Discord would almost smash her but Luffy would save her and then use the RCV (what I interpreted as an MLP Equivalent of King's Haki) from there Discord and Luffy would have a big brawl with Luffy being victorious at the end of chapter 4.

Chapter 5: The mane 6 would teleport to canterlot and seal Discord again. Celestia would apologize to Luffy and explain how she became a warlord. Her backstory would basically be that she exaggerated the history of Equestria a bit and that the event regarding Discord and NMM happened around five hundred years ago rather than 1000. She'd explain how Luna got captured by world nobles and Celestia saved her, but Luna was so scarred she became NMM. To make sure nothing like that happened again Celestia entered into a treaty with the world gov. they would cover up Equestria's existence in exchange for the use of Tartarus (it'll function as a combination of MLP's tartrarus and OP's Impel down). Intially Luffy will just ask Celestia to teleport him back to the Archipelago but then she tells him about Ace's execution so his off to rescue him instead.

Ch6 and onward: Rough ideas for now, but there'll be a scene that cuts to Ace (currently a unicorn) and Jinbei (not a sea pony but he'll have fishlike traits), Twilight will sneak into Tartrus with Luffy. Villains of both shows will be in Tarturus which will feature lighter more humorous yet still dangerous tortures. Iron Hoof will be the minotaur (naturally), the cockatrice and the hydra will make appearances. Trixy, Flim and Flam, and some dragons will be in Tartarus, along with the OP villains who were in Impel Down. Celestia will assume a human form to fight in the war.

I'm not sure how much of the Paramount war I'll cover. I think I might throw all the mane six into the fray or I might just keep it to Celestia and Twilight. Discord and possibly Chyrsalis will join Blackbeard's crew. The fic will end with Luffy going to train with Reileigh.


Thanks for the review, not that it really matters since EqD will probably reject it straight out as you said but thanks, thanks a whole bunch. Tch.
>> No. 99109
>>99107
Hmm. I see, fair enough.
Alas I would offer to help, gung-ho, but I'm supposed to be deep in university essays at the moment so I will have to pass. But in future I will be happy to do my bit.
>> No. 99113
>>99107

I was inspired by Terran to start reviewing. Along with the fact that, yeah, it's only right that I give a review if I get a review.

I don't know how many people feel the way I do, but It's not enough. The queue stayed short for a long time-- when I took up the Mass Effect thing I just finished, it was very short. But in the span of just a couple days, it tripled in size.
>> No. 99115
>>99094

One counterpoint.

I have seen (and on one occasion, received) sub-par reviews from here. I wouldn't particularly care to have my work reviewed by the authors of some of the less impressive fics that we've seen here.
>> No. 99116
>>98873

I haven't received your response email yet, but since you mentioned that you put it here as well, I figured I could save us both some time. I don't check this thread very often, however, so I'll try to say all I need to say here.

Regarding the consistency of how the servants address the princesses, that was meant in an atomic sense. That is, how Luna's servant addresses Luna varies within their scene, and how Celestia's servant addresses Celestia varies within their scene. Silver switches between Princess and Your Majesty. Star Pelt switches between Princess Luna and just Luna. They're minor things, in the end, but something that stood out to me.

The problem with being a pre-reader is that we're not supposed to give extremely detailed reviews in our feedback. Our directive is to filter, not edit, no matter how much we might want to.

As far as the subjective points go, they're just that. I'm confident in the TG reviewers here, so when you get the story looked over, be sure to include a link to the review with your resubmission so I can also see another perspective on the matter.
>> No. 99117
So...since no one seems interested in even JUST picking apart the flaws in my fic, could someone please direct me to a site where someone can get to it in a more timely manner?

The suspense is killing me!
>> No. 99122
>>99007 A big thank you for that. I had no idea that I was so off on the grammatical front. I've looked up commas and semi-colons again, and I can see that I have made quite a few mistakes.

I've made a lot of the changes you recommended. Any that I'm still disputing have comments regarding them, although I did take the majority of the disputed changes pre-emptively anyway.

I do have the backstory written out, so I'm not throwing out random unconnected ideas. I've also got another Mass Effect fan on Fimfic to bounce ideas off, so they have all been commented on and approved; it's not just one mad man's ramblings.

Cadence is a robotic construct that is based in Canterlot. Her VI is currently onboard the station, though her physical form remains in Canterlot. This doesn't make sense now though due to the latest episode. I may need to rethink her character.

The plot, at the moment at least, is very character driven, so I'm glad that you liked how I wrote the characters. Celestia and Luna are, well, very off. I may have to use this "lamp shading" technique you mentioned.

Alicornians isn't the best name in the world. I'm not very good at naming things, as you could probably tell, but it gets its job done. I think I'll stick with Faust as the research lead, I understand that it is weird, but I've seen Faust used like a character effectively before. Thiessen was silly though; I renamed the station VI to Prometheus.

Another big thank you for ploughing through this. I dream of EQD, but I know this story has a long way to go before I even consider trying. With your changes though, it's one step closer.
>> No. 99127
>>99117
>waits less than 24 hours before getting impatient

You must be new here.
>> No. 99132
>>99127
Well technically I posted my story last friday, and only recently realized that the thread it was on was discontinued.
>> No. 99134
>>99132

>Waits five days before getting impatient.

You must be new here.
>> No. 99136
>>99117
>>99127
...and who never acknowledged his last review here...
>> No. 99138
File 133540408078.jpg - (54.00KB , 425x661 , You Must Be New Heree.jpg )
99138
>>99134
>forgotthis.jpg
>> No. 99141
>>99136
I'm confused.
>> No. 99143
>>99136
I'm confused.
>> No. 99145
What Pascoite is trying to say is that you never acknowledged your last review. That's frowned upon because the reviewers have no way of knowing whether the author has even seen the review or not. Since it takes some of us several hours to create a review, we feel like it's a waste of our time if you never even take the courtesy to respond to us.

Why should we take several hours of our time to review your story if you can't even take five minutes to say "Hey, I looked at the review. Thank you?"
>> No. 99146
>>99145
Someone reviewed my last story?
>> No. 99148
>>99115
Seconded.

Those who want to help review are generally cognizant of their faults enough to offer real help. Forcing all to assist would likely do more harm than good.

>>99107
Then, by all means, help out. If you already do, then why hide?

We just had the queue down to 5 unclaimed fics 4 short days ago. We got an end-of-season rush. So sue us. People have exams. I have a full-time job and still spend 2-4 hours reviewing EVERY night. Some of us (gasp!) occasionally take time to write. Are any of these unjustified?
>> No. 99149
>>99146
Yup.
>>96915
>> No. 99154
>>98776
I'd like to take this one please and thank you.
>> No. 99160
File 133541134219.png - (97.59KB , 700x700 , Not a Clever Pony.png )
99160
>>98589
Compared to everything else I usually read, this is a very non-traditional story. Therefore, it's very difficult to review in a traditional "here's the grammar, here's the plot, fix this shit, that's all I've got" type manner. That's why I put my comments in your document instead of my review copy, as is my wont.

Anyhoo, I'll start with answering your questions:

>1) A standard grammar check.
Proofreading isn't really my thing, but especially in a diary, any grammar mistakes in this can be attributed to the author, Ms. Sparkle.

>2) A characterization check on Twilight, the journal's author.
See, this is probably where I have the biggest issue with your story. It doesn't entirely sound like Twilight Sparkle in the beginning. As the story progresses, of course it's understandable that she goes out of character because she's going insane. Perhaps this is like Silent Hill 2, where the voice actors progressively get more and more immersed as the story progresses... at any rate, it ends okay, but I think a better juxtaposition would be to have Twilight be in-character at the beginning of the story.



>3) Is it achieving the [Horror] Tag?
Pretty much, yeah. This is spooky. Not the scariest thing I've ever read, but you definitely succeed in establishing an oppressive atmosphere. Of your three questions, #2 is probably the one you need the most work on.

Uh... yeah, after that, the plot gets a little tricky to analyze. For effect, you're keeping a lot of the actions shrouded which does work for this fic. However, I still have a few questions:

Zecora: What is her role in this story? She's mentioned twice as Twilight Sparkle goes there for a tea recipe, then a second time when her hut is abandoned. Does she even have anything to do with this?

Logically speaking... why do they all hang around the library for so long? If their friends are at Sweet Apple Acres, it'd make more sense for them to all group together... strength in numbers and whatnot.

Errors in judgment aside, I'm also a bit wary of what might be a fundamental flaw: this diary in the first place. I mean, Twilight's the type of pony to start a diary, sure. But having a dual-purpose book seems... un-Twilight-like. I get that you want to show "life as usual" for Twilight before all hell breaks loose, but the experiments in the start of this work really dragged. I'd suggest perhaps starting this in a different vein or framing it differently, so that you can "start at the good stuff" instead of "I bought a diary and OH GOD THE HORRORS."

Somewhat related to that: I'm not sure about the intro. "Okay, shit hit the fan. Everyone in Ponyville died. Here's the story" is really telling the reader how it ends and killing a lot of suspense. Perhaps the ending is a better place for the "intro," so to speak?



Since I told you about my misgivings about the "secrets" in this story, I won't devote too much time for that, but... geez, man, you've GOT to draw more attention to those creepy excerpts. And you've got to encode the puzzle better than "rearrange the capital letters for a fun surprise." That's boring when I have to do it on cereal for 8 letters, but for 20-30 letters? That's... that's getting to "factorial" levels of how little I care about the "reward" for deciphering them. Especially when it's pretty obvious who's doing the letters by the "My friends AJ, RD, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity and Spike..."

Ultimately, I really enjoyed this story's plot and premise. You executed it mostly well, so there's not too much you need to fix; probably your biggest obstacle is that you're fighting the Google Docs medium to do your non-traditional writing that befits a diary.

Come back to me on Gchat if you've got any questions / concerns / brainstorming ideas.

Keep writing.
>> No. 99163
>>98776
Let me start by saying that you are a very very good writer, but I didn't like this =/ Sorry. You have an amazing ability to show a scene. You did that very well, but some of your wording was very weird. I noted a few of the instances, but there were a lot more.

The major weaknesses I see are: strange wording, overly detailed descriptions of setting or objects, and a very random plot.

The strange wordings will be seen in some of my notes. As for the overly descriptive settings and objects, I think that's more of a personal preference, but it's common knowledge that readers today usually dislike overly detailed settings. You can do it, but I skimmed over those parts because I don't much care about their head gear.

Finally, your plot. It's weird. You've got Rainbow Dash "sleeping" with Twilight. You've got Twilight digging Solid Snake pony. You've got random flash backs, and at one point everyone has the same dream. I don't know what I'm supposed to be focusing on, and I think that's your main flaw. You need to guide the reader. While reading your story I felt like I had no grounding in reality. You just sort of expected me to understand the situation, but I didn't. The only real indication of it was all of the "captain" this and "Sargent" that. I would have liked a little exposition. I did start to skim at about the half way point, but that type of thing usually comes before then. I mean, I guess you said something about Nightmare Moon... which I disliked because it wasn't canon. So it's kinda all over the place. Your character didn't do anything. They didn't learn anything. You had no noticeable foreshadowing, and you kind of danced around the issue of what the main conflict was.

I'm sorry. I feel like I'm being harsh on you, and that's strange because you're obviously a good writer. You were very visually engaging, but it just didn't translate into a good story.

Notes from reading:
lright, I think you're getting a little too fancy with your descriptions. It's distracting me.

“A dark figure galloped, thundering through high grass that whipped against her chest, her flanks.”

-Let's remove the middle part and see if this still makes sense: “A dark figure galloped her flanks.” I have no idea what this means. Your Thundering through tall grass is nice though.

“A wan blue glow, just enough light to trace a sketchy path along the trackless rolling hills, trembled at the center of her forehead.”

-The above is very awkward. You obviously mean to say that the glow was just bright enough to see and that it was trembling on her forehead. So why don't you say, “A wan blue light glowed just enough to see a sketchy path in the trackless rolling hills.” If you really must add in trembled, then say, “A wan blue glow trembled from the center of her forehead. It was just bright enough to see the sketchy path in the trackless rolling hills.” Just some ideas, it's definitely needs to be fixed.

“Beneath it, violet eyes framed by a violet coat shifted and darted as she ran,
seeking brambles that might trip, holes that might wreck a leg.”

-Alright, there's no reason for saying “Beneath it”. You could just start to talk about her eyes. We'll know where they are located with respect to a horn, and we'll get that you're talking about the same pony. Also, I'd punctuate it like so, “Violet eyes, framed by a violet coat, shifted and started as she ran-looking for brambles that might trip or holes that might wreck a leg.” If you don't want to use the dash, then use a comma.

Alright, I'm going to stop digging into your fancy style and keep reading... I've only made it one paragraph so far.

You mean to say, “louder in her ear than her hoofbeats”... and I would use heartbeats.

“takin.g in all of the scents of the musty earth, the sweet grass, the acrid tang of her own sweat.”

Typo, also I'd make it “The sweet grass. The acrid tang of her own sweat.” Just use clauses because it seems more dramatic and intention, opposed to weird grammar.

“Joyful teams” - Joyful tears?

Side note: it's not wrong, but I would pay attention to how many adverbs you're using. They're all over the place, and it's a little distracting. You can easily wash some of these. For example: “She yawned hugely”. Why not say, “She let out a huge yawn.” You're also using some of them really weird, like “Snuggled fully”. What's that?

“Rainbow Dash was visibly admiring her, grinning from the bed’s cozy nest.” If this turns into a clop fic, I'm going to stop reading.

““Luna’s Teats, it’s cold!” Dash groused.” - say, “Luna's teats! It's cold.” Capitalize the word teats if you want to. I think it's kind of a funny concept to imagine her nipples as proper nouns.

I don't know why I'm still reading. I guess that means you're a good writer. I want to see what happens next, but jesus christ what the fuck is going on?

Did you mean to capitalize Unit at the end of page 2?

“She nosed the pressure door open,” just say nudged. I can't imagine a pony doing it with anything other than their nose.

““Hey, Twilight, I just had this crazy dream” - I didn't pick that out of the previous text. Not to mention, didn't Rainbow Dash and Twilight just... cuddle with each other all night and then have a conversation about something? Why is Dash suddenly running up to tell Twilight about the dream that she just had..? Why is this part indented? You've lost me.

“as if in deep thought.” dont tell us this

Ew... you're rewriting canon.

“her recent attraction towards the ragged veteran.” And everybody fucked

“Explosively releasing her breath, she rapped out, “Prepare for Interface
Check!”” - I imagine Twilight raps like Weird Al
>> No. 99165
>>99163
Blah! I keep doing that! I forgot to add the title. See above post.
>> No. 99184
>>99160

Yay, a review.

>grammar mistakes being attributed to Twilight

Well, it is kind of Twilight. You think she'd be devoid of any errors, so I think it's kind of important. Anyway, I should be able to avoid most of them.

>Twilight's voice

I noticed that you mentioned Twilight using more short and precise sentences in the comments. Would you consider that something that was only present as an issue at the beginning, or that is lasted all the way?

>Zecora's importance

Just another missing person that Twilight convinces herself isn't related to it all

>hanging out in the library

Logically, I was trying to rationalize it as "too afraid of the unknown". Twilight is fairly certain that whatever is out there doesn't like the light. She also assumes that it is only about to get them in the dark. I suppose they could try and leave before but not get very far as a group, and then elect to send Twilight alone.

Also, Fluttershy's health was supposed to be a main concern as she gets a little ill at the beginning of "things going to hell." It could also be rationalized by a "wait and see" point of view. I'll have to think it over, but I will consider it.

>Twilight's diary including the research things

Hmm, maybe start it as "just another journal" with no abnormality in the contents, and then writing about things going bad? Like, it just begins with a normal recount of what happened in the day. Maybe talk about some of the research she's doing on the side, but not in such a direct way that I list them? note, I kinda took a lot of time on those to just develop Twilight's voice, and now it feels like they're falling short on doing that in a big way... dang

>The intro

Was the synopsis lending to that as well? It kind of comes out and says "everyone is missing".

>The puzzles

I'm already gonna shift the text color to make them semi-visible. As for hiding anything within them, do you have any ideas? I don't wanna fall into the motifs I see in things like Marble Hornets or EverymanHYBRID, which are: base-64, binary, and basic number ciphers. Maybe with a website, like you were suggesting, I could have some easily solvable puzzles that are on the website somewhere? Then again, I have no idea how to make a website, even a basic one.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed the premise, and I hope I can fix this up and make it even better.
>> No. 99200
>>99102
As a heads up, this story also appears in this review thread here >>99199
BUT that is asking for a short, different kind of review. I would still like a proper review from the TG thread, please.
>> No. 99213
File 133542611604.png - (153.76KB , 363x461 , TGAPTrixie-AreYouAWizard.png )
99213
Maintainers: Special note at the end of this update for you.

UNCLAIMED: 17
REVIEWS AWAITING ACKNOWLEDGMENT: 8
REVIEWS IN PROGRESS: 8


Unclaimed Stories
04/20/2012 | Ditz and Spitz by Poinger (>>98234)
04/21/2012 | Giggle at the Gespenst by Conchshellthegeek7 (>>98342)
04/22/2012 | Dusty Roads by Kris Schnee (>>98386)
04/22/2012 | Reconciliation by Rlogic1994 (>>98012)
04/22/2012 | Lyra's Metamorphosis by Kirdus (>>98563)
04/22/2012 | A.C. by Pastel Ink (>>98590)
04/23/2012 | Never Disturb the Past by AwSweetHolyHell (>>98638)
04/23/2012 | Daring Do and the Ivory Idol by Geno Blast (>>98739)
04/23/2012 | Finding Your Elements by RazgrizS57 (>>98745)
04/20/2012 | The Wanderers of Reality: The Equestra Imperative by He-Who-See's (>>98800)
04/24/2012 | Fluttershy’s Shadow: Chapter Two - A Doubt Of A Shadow - Part Two by Broken Logic (>>98837)
04/24/2012 | She of Gilead by Cohesion (>>98861)
04/24/2012 | First Dawn by Nicholas Taylor (>>98873)
04/24/2012 | A Grating Tale by Alcoremortis (>>98960)
04/25/2012 | Stranger from the North by Gernon (>>99015)
04/25/2012 | Pony Effect by Grif (>>98992)
04/25/2012 | Grandmother Twilight (working title) by Tamar (>>99102)

Reviews Awaiting Acknowledgment
The journey by Jazzyfeather (>>95135) submitted 04/04/2012 ◆ Reviewed by 108Echoes on 04/23/2012 (>>98664)
Free at last by Pinkamina_daine_pie (>>95266) submitted 04/05/2012 ◆ Reviewed by Snarkle & R on 04/16/2012 (>>97350)
The Crescendo of a Storm by Bearycool (>>95667) submitted 04/06/2012 ◆ Reviewed by Casca on 04/19/2012 (>>98020)
The Refugee by Hazencruz (>>96961) submitted 04/14/2012 ◆ Reviewed by Timefly on 04/18/2012 (>>97786)
The Solar Enigma by Lionheart07 (>>96994) submitted 04/14/2012 ◆ Reviewed by Vanner on 04/20/2012 (>>98140)
Shattered Prism by Ponyman (>>98377) submitted 04/21/2012 ◆ Reviewed by Baron Von Clop on 04/22/2012 (>>98554)
A FLEat|ng LIght |n thE DArknEsS by Flashgen (>>98589) submitted 04/22/2012 ◆ Reviewed by Nicknack on 04/25/2012 (>>99160)
Water Under the Bridge by Rock Farmer (>>98723) submitted 04/23/2012 ◆ Reviewed by Casca on 04/24/2012 (>>98846)

Reviews in Progress
The Great and Powerful Trixie: reviewing Daring Do and the Alicorn's Shadow by Crowind (>>92980) submitted 03/25/2012
Dromer: reviewing Aetiology by cause&effect and smoulderfly (>>95944) submitted 04/08/2012
Cassius: reviewing Friends of the Dawn by Vanner (>>96127) submitted 04/09/2012
LunarShadow: reviewing Bloodline Chapter Two by Jake The Army Guy (>>97148) submitted 04/15/2012
Grif: reviewing Paradise Lost by RaptorSenior (>>97822) submitted 04/18/2012
Pascoite, and any others that may wish to do so: reviewing Silence is Bittersweet by Truehearted (>>98073) submitted 04/20/2012
Grif: reviewing Borderline by Lucefudu (>>98175) submitted 04/20/2012
Raharu: reviewing The Winter War: Part 1 by Anrichan (>>98776) submitted 04/23/2012

The update process is now automated. The "Statistics" sheet immediately to the right of the "Queue Maintainers" sheet is what generated the lists you see above. That took quite a while to set up, but it was fun. Please don't mess it up I locked it to prevent accidental editing.
- Demetrius
>> No. 99216
>>99184
>Was the synopsis lending to that as well? It kind of comes out and says "everyone is missing".
Yeah, that too... this is one story where you want to be as vague as possible with the synopsis (while still having it be a synopsis). Maybe "Twilight takes notes on some of the strange disturbances around Ponyville?"

>Would you consider that something that was only present as an issue at the beginning, or that is lasted all the way?
Uh... honestly, the situation reminds me of Silent Hill 2. That game had some mediocre voice acting in the first few scenes, but as the game progresses, either the actors got more into their roles or I, the player, got more used to it. Either way, Twilight's going crazy, so you're going to have to alter her voice slightly.

>Hmm, maybe start it as "just another journal" with no abnormality in the contents, and then writing about things going bad? Like, it just begins with a normal recount of what happened in the day. Maybe talk about some of the research she's doing on the side, but not in such a direct way that I list them?
Maybe she can get the journal for her birthday. Talk about research on the side? Sure! "Today I did this experiment." But don't make it a research journal, please.


Websites are easy enough; you could set up something that has the "content" of the page be in the middle (drawn on a picture of an open book). Then for pages, buttons load another page from a database (which, it's a "database" of pages instead of a ".doc" of pages). Then for the hidden text, you can have it mouseover or highlightable (or both).
>> No. 99220
>>98861
This is marked as Mature on FIMfiction, but a skim of the contents revealed no objectionable content. Not sure what (if anything) should be done about that.

>>98638
This story has had all but the first of its chapters taken down while the author reworks them in response to my non-thorough collection of thoughts at >>98662.
>> No. 99226
File 133543715087.png - (36.55KB , 541x898 , Grate-and-Powerful-Trixie.png )
99226
As a follow-up to >>99213: I got carried away but now everything is fine.

I've since taken my experience from composing the array formulae in the queue-dump thread-update statistics sheet and have created three new sheets for automatically displaying the unclaimed, un-acknowledged and in-progress. I've made some changes to the OP template as well, to include links to these sheets for authors and reviewers. Also, the "new" guide to reviewing in The Training Grounds (which is little more than instructions for using the queue and a pep talk).

Maintainers: I don't think we need the "X Days" rule any more, because the new sheets make it easier to filter entries. The reason I proposed that in the first place was so that unclaimed items would be easier to find, without having to sift through loads of old reviewed fics. I think we should turn the rule into a "one month" rule. I put conditional formatting on column C so that we can see when it's finally time for an unacknowledged review item to be shuffled off to the queue archive (older than one month = remove from active). That can be changed to one week.

>>99220
Thank you. Noted in the comments.
>> No. 99244
File 133546143357.gif - (279.28KB , 853x480 , mlfw1294_twiprecious.gif )
99244
>>99226
you took mah job Dem... you took mah job...

Just kidding, love the new set up.

Btw, once stuff gets moved from the active queue, this wont mess anything up will it?
>> No. 99247
>>98882
This fic is not in the queue, as the author never filled out the submission form. I messaged him on FiMFiction (one of his preferred methods of contact as stated) to point him to the submission form, instructions, and queue documents, and he has been on FimFiction since then, so presumably has received the message. If he can't be troubled to follow through, I'm not inclined to accommodate him.
>> No. 99359
File 133549124771.jpg - (47.82KB , 960x563 , 131756656795.jpg )
99359
>>98563
>Lyra's Metamorphosis by Kirdus

Oy Kirdus, if you see this between now and when I finish your review, I'd like to know if English is your first language. Your answer will greatly influence your review, so I do hope you're on in the next few hours.
>> No. 99362
>>99244
Hopefully not. Late last night (I mean, early this morning) something borked the whole system and I had to re-make it (changed a sheet reference and set the starting row for data ranges to 30). I hope it doesn't happen again, whatever it was. Maybe it was an accidental one of those shift/control click commands that changes references. I've thus taken it as a good reason to simply not touch it except to add conditional formatting rules for blacklisted individuals.

To all for whom the spreadsheet crashes your browser: sorry. I tried finding a way to filter multiple columns with a single logical column reference, so that the criteria would only have to be calculated once for all columns, but there's just no way to apply an expression intended for vectors to a column vector where each element in itself is a row vector, because it just ends up treating the column vector as the input array. That, or it flattens the whole damn thing, or some other stupidly churlish, unseen operation for which there's no documentation in existence to help one make sense of it. Believe me, I scoured the internet. Even if I used the "query" function with Google's esoteric query language, the expression I'd have to feed to it would be a string, and everything inside that string would be a different language (so I'd lose pretty much all of the text handling spreadsheet functions that allow me to do things such as element-wise regex searching). So it's not changing any time soon.
>> No. 99364
>>99362
TTG blacklists? What would it take to get on such a list?
>> No. 99365
>>99362

I love you Dem, but I never know what the fuck you're saying.
>> No. 99368
>>99364

http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/19592

http://www.ponychan.net/chan/fic/res/94251.html#95296
>> No. 99370
>>99364
Feel free to try and find out.
>> No. 99371
File 133549305713.jpg - (148.38KB , 497x995 , michael_westen.jpg )
99371
>>99364
When you're blacklisted, you've got nothing: no stories, no reviews, no synopsis help. You're stuck on whatever other website you wind up on. You'll rely on anyone who's still reading your work: old friends, girlfriends, family---if you're desperate.

Bottom line: if you abuse the time of the reviewers of /fic/, you're not getting much help.
>> No. 99372
File 133549318624.png - (45.90KB , 500x518 , 25907 - template that_is_my_fetish transparent twilight_sparkle.png )
99372
>>99362
>> No. 99373
File 133549348272.png - (939.39KB , 1190x875 , MINDBLOWN.png )
99373
>>99368

Nice reference. Sadly, that was back when my brain was on the 'unthought-of' setting.

Thought I was dead? *tehe*
>> No. 99375
>>95944
This story is marred by a severe case of bipolar disorder. It's like Ender's Game was mixed with Ender's Shadow. That's the nicest way I can put it.

The meanest way I can put it is as follows: This story is a tired out cliché (hero with a dark past) mixed with some sort of strange fetishistic interest in torture and rape. And that's that this is.

I don't really know why you thought the rape scenes were a good idea, but they're horribly done and tasteless. It's so bad that I couldn't post my review because it would violate Pchan's rules. Here's my advice on fixing this: Remove them. Nuke them from orbit. You'll get nowhere with these scenes. It's a rock that ties down the story so much that won't talk about the lackluster characters, the poor humor or the plothole-ridden character that is Starswirl.

This story has some hope, but it will never, ever go anywhere with those scenes. Ever.

Finally, I'd recommend removing your post, as links to stories of this nature are very much against the rules.
>> No. 99376
Re:>>99373

">>99371," said the reviewer.
>> No. 99377
File 133549479565.png - (210.38KB , 500x360 , point and laugh.png )
99377
>>99368
Thanks for the links; I haven't been that entertained since last saturday!

>>99370
?
>> No. 99378
File 133549486760.gif - (35.29KB , 128x128 , twibop.gif )
99378
>>99373

It was just an internet argument. They happen all the time. Anyone can be guilty of starting one or even getting involved in one. (and from the looks of things on the last thread, the point is proven valid)

Besides, by the look of your FIMFiction page, you seem to be doing quite well with your stories nearing a large margin of views and whatnot, but this is just a review thread on a pony message board. Just because a few people believe that a story should not even see the light the day does not mean that you should ever stop writing, but it also means that you shouldn't feed the fire.

Now, man the buck up and get back to writing!
>> No. 99379
>>99378

But don't bring the finished products here.
>> No. 99380
File 133549497234.jpg - (35.48KB , 600x326 , 25021 - applejack fluttershy pinkie_pie rainbow_dash twilight_sparkle.jpg )
99380
>>99368
Hoooo man. I needed that. That was the funniest shit I've seen in some time.
>> No. 99382
File 133549501465.png - (264.62KB , 792x1092 , Stop.png )
99382
>>99364
>>99371
>>99376
>>99377
>>99378


You people, always derailing these threads.
>> No. 99383
>>99382

Clogging this thread with crap doesn't seem like it would be a problem. People who want to claim and people who are looking for their own reviews aren't going to be confused by shitposts like mine.

We're just chatting.
>> No. 99385
>>99383

>Clogging this thread with crap doesn't seem like it would be a problem. People who want to claim and people who are looking for their own reviews aren't going to be confused by shitposts like mine.

It's a problem for the people who make these threads, because they already have a short life-span, and you're making it shorter. Once one of these threads go on auto-sage, everything has to be updated, which is a pain.

>We're just chatting

We have an IRC for that.
>> No. 99392
>>98800The Wanderers of Reality: The Equestra Imperativeby He-Who-See's

My initial thoughts are "what the actual heck is going on with this?" I'll do concept and in-depth the first couple of paragraphs.

gDocs is in no way affiliated with us.

It's basically a simplified on-line Word with built-in chat and multi-user editing / commenting. Some reviewers like leaving comments. I don't, because I hate having to look back and forth.

I usually copy-paste to a new document and comment in colors.

Head over to https://docs.google.com to sign in. You need a google account - either a gmail address or you can link it to another e-mail. Be careful with entering your real name - it will show up to those who know where to look.

By default, documents aren't shared. Click the sharing button in the upper-right to change the settings.
>> No. 99394
>>99359
Uh yeah its my first language so now I'm really really curious as to why you would be asking that.
>> No. 99399
File 133549975791.png - (7.62KB , 334x279 , 133472414468.png )
99399
>>98563
Hey there Kirdus. I’m your reviewer for this round. Pleased ta meet’cha.

The bulk of my reviews are done in-post, so I’ll likely leaves sparse comments in the doc, if any. Now then, let’s see what we’ve got, shall we?

Ah yes... thanks for answering the question about English.
It means I don’t really have to alter what follows, which will be largely stream of consciousness and grammatical issues of note. Ever see that JackieChan.jpg, with his hands up by his head? Yeah, mfw.
Onward.



Hmm. Immediate skim shows you’re approaching this from a foreign angle, that you’ve a multitude of breaks, all atop some seriously shady structuring. Hmm. Okay, let’s see how well you justify this madness.

>I decided quite soon
Given the set context of a youth growing up, I’d say “early” is far more apropos than “soon”.

>and their teeth, ha.
This calls for showing me your character laughing. Inserting the “ha” in the closing dialogue doesn’t work so well.

>standing on it’s hind legs.
“it’s” = it is
“its” = possession

Okay, I’m curious about your native tongue at this point. If you weren’t raised with English as your first language, then there be less to feel tiffed about, but more to learn.

Mmm. First page, 3rd section. You’re doing an odd thing in switching from character to narrator perspective within the same paragraph. This is jarring, and influences this next bit - Do Not Start a sentence with a conjunction when your narrating. If you’re in dialogue, or character perspective, it’s acceptable, but otherwise, don’t begin a sentence with And, But, etc.

>had made it’s home
its

>Lyra glanced at Dusty still tangled under the covers. His tan colored limbs
>His tan colored limbs
>His
… You are muckin’ about in dangerous waters there mate. The fandom at large has a thing for Lyra x Bon Bon, and… Aww, know what, it’s backstory, go ahead and anger the murderous mob if it fits your story.

Second page, first section. You do the perspective switch again. Keep the observations either within Lyra’s context or in narrative tone in the same paragraph.

>His tan colored limbs poking out in places.
This is a fragment, and should be woven into the previous sentence. … Okay, you actually have a multitude of these. Google “complete sentence” and read up for a bit of clarifying info, then apply it in an edit sweep.
Also, “colored” is redundant, since one apparently doesn’t hyphenate compound color descriptors.

This is getting to feel less like “Lyra goes through post-breakup depression”, than “Lyra should be in a fucking mental hospital”.

>its like its

its like it’s

Man, your tone is this is coming across as so incredibly dry. It certainly doesn’t help that you seem to feel every simple phrase needs to be a stand alone sentence. You’re actually, *actively* denying your reader connotation and congruity by doing this.

So wait, I’m having multiple issues with your thematic approach here. I mean, firstly, it feels like you’re actually trying to make me scornful of Lyra, when I’m pretty sure you’re attempting to generate sympathy. You also state through her boyfriend-really-more-like-a-pissy-caretaker that she’s in such a fugue that he pretty much has to feed her, and she has no self-determination. As such, how do you have doing the dishes in an earlier scene, also implying that she follows a chore list.

>Squeaky Quaves
You’re right to express concern, that’s just… eh. I’m pretty sure there’s a pony name generator somewhere on the interwebs.

Your sentence structure is not only clunky, but dare I say, offensive to the eager reader.
>The entire hall was bare save the single judge she didn’t recognise and his assistant.
You’re attempting to weave a tapestry of emotional isolation and estrangement, but your level of writing is thoroughly fucking up your ideas. Now, I realize that can be taken poorly, but do not despair, and certainly don’t waste your energy getting pissed. Get Better! Keep practicing, read more, and it’ll come to you.

You only do this a few times, so it’s not as severe an issue as the bulk of the above, but do you see why I’ve highlighted this?
>“Very… interesting,” he said at last, “You play…”
Hint, it starts with the letter Y
… Actually, I’ve picked up a few more of these. Google “dialogue tags”. the issue is your capitalization.

>Lyra stumbled off the stage. Play with Dusty in mind? That’s what she’d been doing.
This… is just an eye-roller mate. Not to mention, y’know, fragment.

The question you pose in-doc? Yeah, it’s not clear at all. That entire scene, clearly meant to be a flashback, is one of your largest, but also one of the most pointless. There’s nothing in that sham of a recital/audition that casts any illumination on the wtf circumstances that are so traumatizing my favorite verdant unicorn.

Four pages to go and I’m telling myself that I don’t just close out a fic and walk away. Lo, my realm is tedium, and I am its slave.

The tags. Wtf?
[Shipping] - Where? This has all the shipping of a story about a girl and her real doll.
[Adventure] Yeah no. The most adventurous part of this sojourn is prepping to hit the reply button for fear of hurting your feelings.
[Cross-over] What? I have no… wait. Kafka? No way. Is that what you’ve been going for this whole time?? The conclusion is boggling, but damned if I can think of anything else you may be referencing.
So in review (heh), I’d say you should revise your tags, as the story currently stands, to-
[Sad]
and maaaaaybe almost
[Slice of Life]
… nah.

———

Okay, we’re going to address your line breaks now. You have altogether too many of them. I mean, 17? Really? And several of them contain less than a paragraph. You should use them to offset a change in time/place/reality. I’m going to list numbers, each one representing the first break, down the line, okay? Easy to follow.
-Sections-
1) Okay, opening hook. This is fine.
2) Fine, dream state, not sure what this lends to the story, but acceptable.
3-5) These should be one section as it sticks to a sequential timeline/perspective.
6) I’ll *barely* say this one can have its own section, because it reinforces Lyra’s estrangement with her surroundings. Barely.
7) Quacks office scene should not be isolated between 6) and 7), they’re both near-dissociative-state perspectives.
Onward and onward the pattern goes. You need to reconnect your scenes with one another, and find a smooth segue between them.


Words I can’t find context/meaning for -
Sucre
Prançais
confiserie (according to the lord Google is a swedish word referring to a pastry shop, not a candy shop)


And now I’m done, and this took a hell of a lot longer than I anticipated, seeing how much I love Lyra and how short the word count is. Your opening hook is a total venus fly trap, serving to draw in an expectant reader, then evaporating any promise of what they expect to read about, and then standing out as a retrospective sore thumb. You need a spell-checker, an edit sweep, and lots of practice.
I’m really not feeling much in regards to what is actually there to salvage… I mean, you’re incredibly ambiguous as to what the fuck is actually going on. It’s one long train of detachment. If none of the events you’ve told me about mean shit to Lyra, then why would they mean anything to your reader? Assuming you are drawing inspiration of some manner from Kafka, you need to recognize his story was *driven* by surreal tragedy. Key word *driven*. You’re story just kind of drifts to its inevitable conclusion, and I’m in a considerably less amiable mood than when I started. I hate when that happens! Apparently a lot of people are digging the human/lyra thing, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s already far overplayed. Note, however, that that is my own opinion, and therefore hasn’t been made a big fuss over.

Annnnd… that’s all the time I got. I just want to reiterate—keep practicing, keep writing.

Cheers
>> No. 99400
>>99399

>Sucre
Sugar.

>Prançais
Francais.
>> No. 99401
>>99400
S'what I assumed, but google was being a femoral artery.
>> No. 99402
File
Removed
>>99401
...
>a femoral artery
...
touche word filter, I raise you a file
>> No. 99404
>>99402
>not self-filtering to wahaHA!
>> No. 99406
File 133550086515.jpg - (570.22KB , 1800x1296 , 132285128157.jpg )
99406
>>99402
That particular preg_replace rule raped my post here in the storyforge with its over-inclusiveness: >>94754

In regard to Ponychan, I'm optomistifemoral arteryil overkill filter rules that make no sense dominate.
>> No. 99424
>>99406
I prefer "Disingenius Multifarious Verbiage Converter".
>> No. 99444
Tags: [Normal][Comedy]

Synopsis: Following Rainbow Dash screwing around with a set of magical horseshoes that change the shape of the wearer, she and her five best friends change species for real. They're forced to deal with the consequences of the change, with both its impact on their careers and the more subtle impact on their identities.

List of links to the story:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1y76BUrHyNzSmoyidCS65wam5mT-DyWDaUPQPasS5emE/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15J19p2Sux8I6jc-PBv6wO5WRZ_InykZz9GQtLI5bnCA/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1M8KZUg99CVrme01SAf5f8pSqRhL4e3Rg-G-QbcUhuMo/edit

Comments/requests:
The pre-readers of Equestria Daily said:
"Look for errors in the following areas:
Gender-specific terms
Comma use
Capitalization
Dialogue punctuation
Unclear phrasing
Hyphen use
Spacing
Use of quotes for emphasis
Tense confusion
Spelling
This also has some issues with telling versus showing, an overuse of adverbs, and a neglect of setting to some degree. The Omnibus should help with this.

The perspective of this story is also unclear and changes at the drop of a hat. Unless there's a very good reason, perspective should stay the same in a story. You begin this story in a sort of third person objective viewpoint, then switch to a variety of third person limited viewpoints, often changing perspective from paragraph to paragraph. This is both confusing and not necessary.

The use of parenthetical asides (like this one) are both frequent and distracting in this narrative; the story would likely be stronger if most of them were removed.

Rarity also feels a bit out of character here. Yes, she likes to sound "upper crust", but she shouldn't be throwing around more intellectual dialogue than Twilight."

My personal thoughts:
"The most major issue is perspective, I believe, and it is probably key to my further acceptance. I've put a fair chunk of work in trying to separate out the problem. I'm going for a Third Person Omniscient stance, but I don't want to be excessive about it. I want occasional access to others' thoughts and information the focal point character cannot know about, primarily. I want to have one consistent perspective throughout, however, so pointing out the spots where this is flawed would be great.

The specific issue of Rarity's voice has baffled me, if anyone could nail some specific instances (and maybe suggest fixes) that would be great. I've had some people point out places they had problems and think I got it sorted out, but if the pre-reader found it distracting, I want it dealt with.

I dealt with the parenthetical asides, none should be left. Please let me know if I left one in on accident in some fashion.

Lastly, cleanup: aside from any grammatical errors, if someone could flag these areas, that would be great:
1) Telling rather than showing
2) Places where setting could be established better

I'm worried about bloating the chapter lengths a lot, but I'm more worried about passing the EQD challenge."
>> No. 99450
>>99399

Well, acknowledged I guess.

Re: the shipping. It is actually a Lyra x Bon Bon ship, hence the opening scene. I mainly intended this as a sort of "How they met" story in which Lyra is still in the closet and the trauma she's struggling through is her dealing with it.

Seeing as how this was intended as part 1 the whole adventure thing hadn't come in yet.

As for the cross-over... it is really really subtle but it is technically there.
>> No. 99464
[Random] [Comedy]

Synopsis: On a perfectly normal day, Princess Celestia is overthrown. Will Equestria survive the rule of the now self-proclaimed God-Emperor of Equestria, and more so, will its coin purse?

Links: Chapter 1
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rxd_xxgH28OzLvMKQKw-8AS8YSATwVa-bRgOdxValEc/edit

(Currently incomplete)

Requesting:
A quick proofreading, overview and characterization check. I would like to have a good idea if this first chapter is up to snuff before I go further.
>> No. 99490
>>98960

I claim this. Assuming I haven't completely misunderstood how the new Queue spreadsheet works.

As mentioned, I will focus more on the flow (of both sentence and plot) and characterization. I will probably make a copy of it on Google Docs, allowing me to do a thorough job of commenting.

We will see if your story lives up to it's title. Although... you probably don't want it to.
>> No. 99508
Tags: Mainly [Adventure][Sad], but has elements of [Dark][Shipping]

Synopsis: After perishing in a hotel fire, Twilight and her friends meet five ponies who have affected their lives. Crossover of MLP and The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

Links:
Prologue: https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=18U5li5xXIu_8boPjHEOwlHn2AUPZQ51KCD1qQ6-KPUo
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1OwHQT7R25tsMkijT4qEP5aceiD4uKfDo_2CzoLDBtrw
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1moVZcEVq6aqh-O5hcv3UsyVyZFJRn3kIyYSKEBtCr-M
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1gT7vocHaieI_zCbT5_XLkvzD3EMaeNUdYVg9KCbcyhM
Chapter 4:
https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1yog6t8obvRlzlOoA1IKGFFQe4RdcJ7ZjMAVdLpMqSk4
Chapter 5:
https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=12k3X4W7fSk4smjoJwZUCo6-z6WAK2L8fctyxX1Dn_M8

Comments:
I just need the Prologue looked over. Once I go over my other chapters a second time, then I will request proof-reading of those chapters. If you want to look over the other chapters, that is fine with you, although they aren't the best I can do...

Speed is not as important as quality. I just want to get this on Equestria Daily.

Criticize away!
>> No. 99516
>>99508

Tactical would like to claim this.
>> No. 99558
>>99508
posting this for tactical:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1F7Cu_qK4zwhe-hIKuODRnAcfrAWjapjLtD34ChKODZ0/edit
>> No. 99560
Tags:[Sad][Tragedy][Adventure]

Synopsis:
Set 20 years after Discord was defeated by the main 6, Discord has escaped his prison once more. But this time, he's not just seeking to spread chaos, but also to exact revenge on the two ponies who ruined his plans before, Princess Celestia and Twilight Sparkle.

Seeing the signs of Discord's return Celestia sends the group on a quest to visit 6 magical bunkers built around Equestria. At each of these bunker they are to send a letter to her. Revealing no more and simply telling them to "have faith" she sends them on their journey.

The group travels in search of the bunkers, each time sending a letter, and each time losing a member of their group to Discord. Not once did they receive a reply from Celestia, but even with friends lost they continued, always keeping their faith in the princess, believing that by the end of their travels their losses will have meant something.

Links:
Chapter 1: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21938/1/Twisted-Harmony/One-Last-Letter

Comments: I was directed here from r/mylittlefanfic. This is a reworked version of the first chapter after advice from a redditor. Main criticism was too much explaining/infodumping from characters instead of showing with characters, I tried to remedy this.
Also, I would like opinions on the Pinkie and Discord scene. This is an alternate version of the scene after I was told the original broke the tension of the story (it did honestly). I'm sort of leery on the scene now and would like advice on how to change it or if I should just move it to later chapters (it contains partially important character information/development for Discord and Pinkie)
>> No. 99565
>>99560
Damn, my apologies I got the Tags wrong.
[Dark][Tragedy][Adventure]
>> No. 99597
>>98960

Here is the link to the overall review:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/11ZKseaL8SqmAIg-j-Qhmx5Yo-ZS3z5SCeziFBTMkbWE/edit

And here is the link to the line-by-line commentary:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1nXgxalUIBH6m3UObqZfM0gQLIMXICUBMf3i-evjow6w/edit

I've locked out comments on the line-by-line because if you leave them there, I will never find them. Instead, you can leave comments on the overal review, or just whomp up a document of your own and send me the link.

New Achievements Unlocked!
"I Smell Ham": A line of dialogue or narration was excessively dramatic
"I Got Yer Note Right Here": Story included an Author's Note
"Too Much of A Bad Thing": Issued a review longer than the work being cited
>> No. 99604
>>96915

Yeah...Trans-Dimensional Turmoil was pretty...odd in ways that were not exactly positive.

I agree with the majority of your points (though that bit about spongebob not being funny I found to be unneccessary and a bit too biased (though if you are referring to episodes that aren't part of what is usually considered "classic sponebob" I understand as the newer episodes seem to be lacking that charm and "umph" that make the older episodes a lot easier to sit down to and watch, though maybe that is largely due to nostalgia on my part)).

Hence why I have deleted my posting of it on FF.NET and have begun anew on a different story that I feel far more enthusiastic about and have a much clearer direction with known as "The Wanderers of Reality: The Equestria Imperative" which is still awaiting a review by the by.

Thank you for taking the time to review my jangled mess, and if you would, do please take the time to review my (hopefully) less jangled mess.
>> No. 99614
So, this is basically a Human-in-Equestria story, except the "human" is a cat firin' his lazers, and his totally heterosexual life partner is sailing the multiverse to rescue him. In an Age of Sail Warship.

What the actual fuck? I love how crazy this concept is! Splaznor. Splaznor the lazenator!

But it doesn't quite work quite so well in execution. First, I fear you're running the risk of writing a stereotypically-bad HiE fic minus the human. You know, the ones where it's just an excuse for Pinkie to throw a party for the OC and the main conflict never really shows up.

You know how Splazzy has that odd-colored horn in pony form? That should probably go. Pony wings, horns, and coats are a single color with few exceptions (Pipsqueak and Cadance are the only two that come to mind). If you leave that in, you're just giving the Legion of Sue-Haters ammunition.

If you want to actually make him not-a-Sue, you have to ruin his life at the beginning (but not so he can wangst about it, oh no). I say take away his lazer-power and let him be a bitchy kitty-turned-unicorn. It's a fine line to walk, but making him hilariously useless when he's used to being basically Reepicheep or Puss-in-Boots has the potential for serious fun.

You're writing in third-person omniscient with all the subtlety of a five-year-old armed with an automatic shotgun. You don't have to jump cut five times in as many paragraphs to foreshadow meeting the mane six - it's a bleeding HiE fic, of course chapters 2-4 are meeting the ponies. In fact, you can chill out a lot and trust your story to unfold in due time. Keep notes for yourself, and only keep the reader informed of the important stuff.

There's a ton of info-dumping in this chapter. Like when you introduce us to Spirit of Adventure. She's a unitverse-hopping, time-travelling sail-driven warship. Bitchin! But, you've got this discription that reads like a history textbook written without the benefit of an editor with all kinds of useless trivia about this pirate named Entropy Beard.

Why the heck should I care about him? Law of Conservation of Detail. (And if you're foreshadowing, you should introduce him in relation to another character, like the Captain.)

Here's what I'd keep and how I'd unfold this chapter:

Start with Splazzy moving around in his sleep and falling out of the crow's nest. This gives you a chance for a brief visual establishing shot of Spirit.

You may then add a brief shot of the Cutie Mark Crusaders seeing something fall, but just leave it implied that it's our intrepid feline sailor.

Now the Reader is wondering what's going to happen next. Presumably, they're familiar with the Crusaders (very good chance - they don't call it fan fic just 'cuz fans write it). So, they'll be curious about what kind of character Splazzy is.

So you tease by SHOWING a slice of the life aboard the Spirit. Showing means the Author imagines what's going on using imaginary senses. I want to smell the coffee below decks and hear the tachyons whistle through the rigging. The best way to show a place is to send a character walking through it with a purpose. In this case, the Captain is checking that everything is shipshape before turning in for a well-deserved rest. Don't just tell me that there's was a battle. Show the damage and sprinkle the description with little hints of relevent explanation (which you can pluck from the Captain's head).

The Captain doesn't know that Splazzy fell overboard, so when you hint at their relationship - perhaps the Captain thinks something like "with Splaznor on watch, the ship's in good pands" before he falls asleep. That's what we call Dramatic Irony: you give the audience pieces of the story that the characters haven't realized yet, and it very powerfully foreshadows what will happen when they figure it out.

That's a natural point to cut back to Splazzy and let the Crusaders meet him. And that's about all you've got this chapter that I'd want to keep.

Yes, I'm talking about a near-complete rewrite of the text - but I promise it'll be fun. Let your imagination play with the setting without worrying about what has to happen to make the story move forward. You've already figured out the events, now make them come to life by finding little details to surprise your readers with. I think you may even find that it's not a cut to get rid of the info-dumps.

That takes care of the imaginative stuff, now let's talk word-craft.

>Against the whims of Lady Luck and her fellow absolutes and sisters of Destiny and Fate, this ship, the E.R.M.S.S. "Spirit of Adventure," if the golden plaque that still shined prominently on its aft section was anything to go by, had somehow managed to accomplish something none of the other "sailors of time" had ever managed to do. It had managed to defeat the dreaded pirate "Entropy Beard" along with his infinite armada and his equally dreaded pet, "The Void Kraken" and freed the ever flowing river from his wanton pillaging and polluting for good.

This paragraph is really bad, and much of your prose is similarly hard to read. A good 90% of style is elegance and only 10% or less is "expressing the author's individuality."

I don't know how much grammar you understand - I'm going to assume "very little technical terminology; I just write."

The biggest problem is that the main interesting details do not happen in the main clauses. If we strip away all the supporting stuff from these two very complicated sentences, we're left with the main subjects and verbs:

This ship | had managed to accomplish
It | had managed to defeat ... and freed ...

You have two other supporting clauses, "restrictive relative clauses" to use the jargon.
plaque < that | shined
something < none | had managed to do

The defining feature of clauses is that they have verbs. In that paragraph - a good-size one: 99 words, you have only five verb phrases. Three of them are variations on "had managed to."

You want verbs because they paint the best pictures. You want clauses because they're easier to connect. Instead, you have a huge mush of phrases:
against the whims
of Lady Luck and her absolutes and sisters
of Destiny and Fate <-- this is an abuse of "of"
on its aft section
along with his pet
for good
etc. etc.

Reading the paragraph is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. I guess the main thrust of this paragraph is Entropy Beard - you're gonna cut it anyway for info dumping, so I have no shame in rewriting it to demonstrate clarity.

>Still, she surivived.
Ships are "she." Simple tense.

>Entropy Beard, the dreaded pirate, commodore of an infinite armada, and master of the Void Kraken, pillaged and polluted the river of time no more.
You describe him with a lot of nouns without verbs. That suggests stacking up a lot of apposotive phrases like this. Yes, it sounds a little strange, but at least it's clear.

>The ship had survived - and won.
I'm being poetic with the repetition. It also functions to bring the focus back on the ship before I introduce the plaque.

>A golden plaque shining on her stern named her the E.R.M.S.S. Spirit of Adventure, to which she could add the title Defiant of Ladies Luck, Destiny, and Fate.

>No other crew sailing time had even hoped to face the pirate,
Just saying that they didn't is a "well, duh," sort of thing, isn't it?

>but the Spirit of Adventure did and won.
Because, if you're gonna do poetic repetition, you might as well be proud about it.

Putting that together

>Still, she surivived.

>Entropy Beard, the dreaded pirate, commodore of an infinite armada, and master of the Void Kraken, pillaged and polluted the river of time no more. The ship had survived - and won. A golden plaque shining on her stern named her the E.R.M.S.S. Spirit of Adventure, to which she could add the title Defiant of Ladies Luck, Destiny, and Fate. No other crew sailing time had even hoped to face the pirate, but the Spirit of Adventure did and won.

Use simpler sentences for clarity. When things go together in a list, make the grammar similar as well.

Here's another example from my own writing:

>She found the paint, nails, and scrap wood to replace the broken shutters, to shore up and patch the walls, to fix the stairs' squeaky treads, and a myriad of other small tasks.

The repetition of "to" is required to hold the list together and to make it a list of nouns including the "a myriad." There's a list inside the list, "to shore up and patch;" not repeating the "to" in that one keeps it separate from the larger list.

That's the sort of thing I'd like to teach once you have the high-level things figured out. Show-don't-tell, and I'll take another look.
>> No. 99627
>>99597
Thanks a lot for the great review. I haven't read the line by line yet, but I'm sure when I do, it will be even more helpful than the shorter one.

I know that it wasn't much to go on, and the idea is that this will end up being an extremely long one-shot. Well, most likely. I've got an overarching idea for the plot, but haven't ironed out specifics yet. And I'll confess that this first bit was kinda me trying to find out exactly more about this character and what makes him tick.

Depending on how the rest of the story starts going, I may go back and alter his personality to set things up better for the later story if that's what is called for.

As for what I've planned... well, I don't expect to accomplish it the first time I try to write it. Or even the second time. It will probably take quite a few tries and lots of helpful people like yourself before I get what I was really looking for.

Okay, now I've got to go take a peek at the line-by-line.
>> No. 99631
>>99614

“So, this is basically a Human-in-Equestria story, except the "human" is a cat firin' his lazers, and his totally heterosexual life partner is sailing the multiverse to rescue him. In an Age of Sail Warship.”

1. I’m going to ignore your snide comment and won’t hold it against your credibility as a reviewer (even though a rather large part of me would very much like to since I generally view my characters as my own children. Children that I often put in harm’s way and neglect, but children who I will come to the defense of if I find a remark against them that isn’t something they had coming).

“What the actual fuck? I love how crazy this concept is! Splaznor. Splaznor the lazenator!”

2. Please keep the expletives to a minimum. I hear enough of them listening to my own family’s regular, non-fighting conversations as well as the plebs that inhabit my school, and I really don’t need any more exposure to them from people ,outside of stories I read, if I can help it.

On a note that pertains more to your comment, thank you for liking the concept. I admit, I’m a better conceptual and idea guy than a executor, so what little ego I have is very much bolstered from hearing that my tale has clout at least on the theoretical level. Though I feel I must point out that the laser-cat’s name is Splazor, not Splaznor (though in a flashback sequence, I may decide to name one of his older brothers who used to pick on him for his own amusement Splaznor now that I think about it). Thanks for the name “lazenator” by the way. I’ll be sure to use it somewhere.

“But it doesn't quite work quite so well in execution.”

3. Execution, thy name mean’s frustration!


“First, I fear you're running the risk of writing a stereotypically-bad HiE fic minus the human. You know, the ones where it's just an excuse for Pinkie to throw a party for the OC and the main conflict never really shows up.”

4. Really? I thought with the whole “laser-cat who constantly gets into adventures and misadventures thing” on a ship that can traverse space and time whose gone to who knows how many different universes and fought with who knows how many different types of enemies with who knows what range of power levels that I “think” (though am not really sure) I managed to convey somewhat (like with the last line in my tale), that Equestria is pretty much guaranteed conflict up the wazoo (the kind that involves property damage and drama on a scale Equestria has never seen and might not survive).

Though I admit, they’re definitely will be a pinky pie party, it won’t be the peak of the rising action.
Though I have to ask, did I properly manage to convey this, or is this something that I gradually convey from chapter to chapter?

“You know how Splazzy has that odd-colored horn in pony form? That should probably go. Pony wings, horns, and coats are a single color with few exceptions (Pipsqueak and Cadance are the only two that come to mind). If you leave that in, you're just giving the Legion of Sue-Haters ammunition.”

5. Really? There are people who ‘dis on this just because the main character has a crimson horn? Even if no one in the story really cares and it’s just something that makes him easier to visualize and identify? Something tells me that these people spend WAY too much time on the internet. But then again with the number of times I’ve watched the Nostalgia Critic, Angry Video Game Nerd, Angry Joe, Linkara, and Spoony on youtube, who am I say who has spent too much time on the web?

If you want to actually make him not-a-Sue, you have to ruin his life at the beginning (but not so he can wangst about it, oh no).

6. Was there ever any indication that he was a Mary Sue (aside from the horn thing)? And if you’re talking about him wining about being turned into a pony, he’s a little boy! Think the kind of tyke that loved watching “manly” cartoons as a child like Transformers, GI Joe, any of the Gundam series, any of the zoids series, any of the Dragon Ball series, anything having to do with the DC or Marvel Universe, etc while eating sugary series on a Saturday morning and jumping up and down on a high that not even the world’s most powerful narcotics could match if they were all combined into a survivable concoction.
You know, the kind of young male quite a few of us were that HATED anything girly like Strawberry short-cake, Polly, Barbie, Dora the Explorer, and even My Little Pony (or at the very least, didn’t like to admit it to anyone, as the fact that I used to own a copy of Barbie and the Nutcracker Suite and watched it often can attest to). He’s not exactly going to be thrilled that he’s now been reduced to a cute and cuddly equine with no hand like limbs that most people would never take seriously; even if he was a cute and cuddly feline with hand like limbs that most people would never take seriously to begin with. Likewise, much like a little boy, he’ll eventually get over it and stop “wangsting” (though even then, the wangsting won’t be like the kind modern anime’s and Frank Miller are so fond of. More like a petulant child whose parents didn’t buy him the exact toy he wanted who claims to hate them forever and ever and ever but that eventually calms down and comes to his senses).
Though, again, I wonder if I’ve properly managed to convey or hint at this in this chapter and/or if this is something that should gradually come to light as the story progresses.



“I say take away his lazer-power and let him be a bitchy kitty-turned-unicorn. It's a fine line to walk, but making him hilariously useless when he's used to being basically Reepicheep or Puss-in-Boots has the potential for serious fun.”
7. I disagree with you and agree with you at the same time on this matter. While I agree that laser should not be “as powerful” as he is normally while on Equestria (which I’ll explain away with him using most of his power in the fight and his body not being used to absorbing the kind of magical light that Celestia’s sun outputs and thusly not being able to emit lasers as powerful as his normal ones or lift, jump, and run as fast as he usually can due to his body’s lack of solar energy), I disagree that his powers and abilities should be taken away completely. After all, you said it yourself. He’s the “lazenator.” Part of the fun of a fic like this is seeing him manage to take down single-hoofedly, or almost single-hoofedly, threats that the average Equestrian would find insurmountable and perform dazzling feats. Likewise, part of the fun also lies on him getting beat-down by some of the larger threats of this supposedly “girly” and “fru-fru” world we all love so much. Though him being a bitchy kitty turned Unicorn will certainly be where a good portion of the story lies, I’m afraid that combined with him being “hilariously” useless, that it isn’t enough to hold the story until things start heating up. Combined with him being significantly under-powered, sure. But you might as well say this story will never meet your standards, as the power he possesses while in Equestria is a story point I will not budge on.

“You're writing in third-person omniscient with all the subtlety of a five-year-old armed with an automatic shotgun.”

8. And the anvil of irony strikes me on the head again.

“ You don't have to jump cut five times in as many paragraphs to foreshadow meeting the mane six - it's a bleeding HiE fic, of course chapters 2-4 are meeting the ponies. In fact, you can chill out a lot and trust your story to unfold in due time. Keep notes for yourself, and only keep the reader informed of the important stuff. “

9. Umm…I wasn’t really for-shadowing him meeting the mane-six as much as I was trying to paint a picture of the effects of Lazor’s epic yelling of, “Noooooooooooooooo!” across the land without outright stating the names of those . It was a picture silly and childish in its humor I admit, but since we’re talking about a children’s television show intended for young girls, silly and childish are not that much of a stretch in a tale about it (if that’s what you getting at that is).

“There's a ton of info-dumping in this chapter. Like when you introduce us to Spirit of Adventure. She's a universe-hopping, time-travelling sail-driven warship. Bitchin! But, you've got this discription that reads like a history textbook written without the benefit of an editor with all kinds of useless trivia about this pirate named Entropy Beard.”

10. “…all kinds of useless trivia?” You make it sound like the information about him was the size of Mount Everest. I admit, I’m not entirely sure if three to five (maybe a little more) things constitutes a blurb, so may I please be informed as to if that is going over-board

“Why the heck should I care about him? Law of Conservation of Detail. (And if you're foreshadowing, you should introduce him in relation to another character, like the Captain.)”

11. I brought him up because he’s technically responsible for the ship’s current state and the state of its crew and because I wanted to explain just what the heck had recently happened in their lives.

“Here's what I'd keep and how I'd unfold this chapter:

Start with Splazzy moving around in his sleep and falling out of the crow's nest. This gives you a chance for a brief visual establishing shot of Spirit.”

12. Alrighty then.

“You may then add a brief shot of the Cutie Mark Crusaders seeing something fall, but just leave it implied that it's our intrepid feline sailor.”

13. Alrighty then.

“Now the Reader is wondering what's going to happen next. Presumably, they're familiar with the Crusaders (very good chance - they don't call it fan fic just 'cuz fans write it). So, they'll be curious about what kind of character Splazzy is.”

14. Alrighty then.

“So you tease by SHOWING a slice of the life aboard the Spirit. Showing means the Author imagines what's going on using imaginary senses. I want to smell the coffee below decks and hear the tachyons whistle through the rigging. The best way to show a place is to send a character walking through it with a purpose. In this case, the Captain is checking that everything is shipshape before turning in for a well-deserved rest. Don't just tell me that there's was a battle. Show the damage and sprinkle the description with little hints of relevent explanation (which you can pluck from the Captain's head).”

15. Hrmmm…though your words are not entirely strange and alien to me, I believe I do not understand fully.

“The Captain doesn't know that Splazzy fell overboard, so when you hint at their relationship - perhaps the Captain thinks something like "with Splaznor on watch, the ship's in good pands" before he falls asleep. That's what we call Dramatic Irony: you give the audience pieces of the story that the characters haven't realized yet, and it very powerfully foreshadows what will happen when they figure it out.”
16. Alrighty then.

“That's a natural point to cut back to Splazzy and let the Crusaders meet him. And that's about all you've got this chapter that I'd want to keep.”

17. Alrighty then on the first sentence, but not so much for that second line.

“Yes, I'm talking about a near-complete rewrite of the text - but I promise it'll be fun. Let your imagination play with the setting without worrying about what has to happen to make the story move forward. You've already figured out the events, now make them come to life by finding little details to surprise your readers with. I think you may even find that it's not a cut to get rid of the info-dumps.”

18. Alrighty then.

“That takes care of the imaginative stuff, now let's talk word-craft.

>Against the whims of Lady Luck and her fellow absolutes and sisters of Destiny and Fate, this ship, the E.R.M.S.S. "Spirit of Adventure," if the golden plaque that still shined prominently on its aft section was anything to go by, had somehow managed to accomplish something none of the other "sailors of time" had ever managed to do. It had managed to defeat the dreaded pirate "Entropy Beard" along with his infinite armada and his equally dreaded pet, "The Void Kraken" and freed the ever flowing river from his wanton pillaging and polluting for good.

This paragraph is really bad, and much of your prose is similarly hard to read. A good 90% of style is elegance and only 10% or less is "expressing the author's individuality."

I don't know how much grammar you understand - I'm going to assume "very little technical terminology; I just write."

The biggest problem is that the main interesting details do not happen in the main clauses. If we strip away all the supporting stuff from these two very complicated sentences, we're left with the main subjects and verbs:

This ship | had managed to accomplish
It | had managed to defeat ... and freed ...

You have two other supporting clauses, "restrictive relative clauses" to use the jargon.
plaque < that | shined
something < none | had managed to do

The defining feature of clauses is that they have verbs. In that paragraph - a good-size one: 99 words, you have only five verb phrases. Three of them are variations on "had managed to."

You want verbs because they paint the best pictures. You want clauses because they're easier to connect. Instead, you have a huge mush of phrases:
against the whims
of Lady Luck and her absolutes and sisters
of Destiny and Fate <-- this is an abuse of "of"
on its aft section
along with his pet
for good
etc. etc.

Reading the paragraph is like putting together a jigsaw puzzle. I guess the main thrust of this paragraph is Entropy Beard - you're gonna cut it anyway for info dumping, so I have no shame in rewriting it to demonstrate clarity.

>Still, she surivived.
Ships are "she." Simple tense.

>Entropy Beard, the dreaded pirate, commodore of an infinite armada, and master of the Void Kraken, pillaged and polluted the river of time no more.
You describe him with a lot of nouns without verbs. That suggests stacking up a lot of apposotive phrases like this. Yes, it sounds a little strange, but at least it's clear.

>The ship had survived - and won.
I'm being poetic with the repetition. It also functions to bring the focus back on the ship before I introduce the plaque.

>A golden plaque shining on her stern named her the E.R.M.S.S. Spirit of Adventure, to which she could add the title Defiant of Ladies Luck, Destiny, and Fate.

>No other crew sailing time had even hoped to face the pirate,
Just saying that they didn't is a "well, duh," sort of thing, isn't it?

>but the Spirit of Adventure did and won.
Because, if you're gonna do poetic repetition, you might as well be proud about it.

Putting that together

>Still, she surivived.

>Entropy Beard, the dreaded pirate, commodore of an infinite armada, and master of the Void Kraken, pillaged and polluted the river of time no more. The ship had survived - and won. A golden plaque shining on her stern named her the E.R.M.S.S. Spirit of Adventure, to which she could add the title Defiant of Ladies Luck, Destiny, and Fate. No other crew sailing time had even hoped to face the pirate, but the Spirit of Adventure did and won.

Use simpler sentences for clarity. When things go together in a list, make the grammar similar as well.

Here's another example from my own writing:

>She found the paint, nails, and scrap wood to replace the broken shutters, to shore up and patch the walls, to fix the stairs' squeaky treads, and a myriad of other small tasks.

The repetition of "to" is required to hold the list together and to make it a list of nouns including the "a myriad." There's a list inside the list, "to shore up and patch;" not repeating the "to" in that one keeps it separate from the larger list.

That's the sort of thing I'd like to teach once you have the high-level things figured out. Show-don't-tell, and I'll take another look.”

19. Alrighty then.
>> No. 99638
>>99604
Hmm. Reviews are partial subjective and part objective. In the subjective part I just voiced my opinion in which I staded that I did not find the Spongebob parts very funny. The fact about refences in stories, in my opinion, cannot be done very subtly. Which kills the fun it would have in, let us say, visual media.

I am kinda am a bit disapointed because the way your response reads gives me the impression you terminated the fic. I hope this is not the fact because from a personal eyepoint I am not your audience, others are. I did not like it but someone ekse might will. I hope my impression is wrong and you continue this. Or else both our time would be wasted instead of spent.

As a heads up Eustatian reviewed your other fic, and atm I cannot give yiu a post number but in the OP is a link to a doc which holds all the submissions a quick control+f shoukd find your review quite quick.

I apologize for any errors, phone typing is kike hell for me, big fingers and all.
>> No. 99640
File 133562541996.jpg - (8.56KB , 185x272 , waa.jpg )
99640
>>99631
>I’m going to ignore your snide comment and won’t hold it against your credibility as a reviewer (even though a rather large part of me would very much like to since I generally view my characters as my own children. Children that I often put in harm’s way and neglect, but children who I will come to the defense of if I find a remark against them that isn’t something they had coming).
>> No. 99644
>>99614

I have recently made a rewrite of the opening scene. Please, tell me if it's closer to being decent than my original scene with Eduoard.
>> No. 99646
>>99015

Damn, Forgot the tags.
[Dark][Adventure][Human In Equestria]
>> No. 99652
>>99644

Sorry. I forgot to add the link to the rewrite.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_NgjKbwZqNFPyHzNDa3IKuM5FGoPMc3_oZNvi-bZP6E/edit#
>> No. 99653
>>99638

Actually, I terminated my fic because I honestly couldn't get excited about it anymore and because a much more exciting idea, The Wanderers of Reality, came into my head.

Let's just hope that that idea doesn't lose my interest as well.
>> No. 99661
>>99558
Just acknowledging the review for Five Ponies. You, sir, do a fantastic job!

I'll get the first chapter to you as soon as it's ready.
>> No. 99671
>>99631

I'm glad I'm stirring up the pot a bit.

First, I mean "Heterosexual Life Partner" as a technical term, not a throwaway insult. You can imply more if you like, but you don't have to.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HeterosexualLifePartners

>Please keep the expletives to a minimum.
Fair enough, although...

>the plebs that inhabit my school
I don't take offense at that, but if I may offer some advice, looking down on people in general is a good way to alienate oneself, especially from those who come from a different culture. There's a lot to be learned from 'plebs'.

--

The Sue issue:

Yes, there are people who will take offense at special-snowflake descriptions. Most will quit your story silently. But I think you're striking close to the heart of Sue with this:

>I generally view my characters as my own children. Children that I often put in harm’s way and neglect, but children who I will come to the defense of if I find a remark against them that isn’t something they had coming.

This is a hazardous attitude to have. No harm, no foul if you pull off a good story in spite of it, but I don't think it's well-advised. Good characters should be frustrating - you pull your hair out at how hard it is too keep them credible.

>Part of the fun of a fic like this is seeing him manage to take down single-hoofedly, or almost single-hoofedly, threats that the average Equestrian would find insurmountable and perform dazzling feats.

That's probably not anywhere near as interesting to readers as it is to you. You have to ask who you're really writing for.

- How much should he complain?

About as much as Rainbow does in "Suited" or Twilight does in the S1 pilot.

--
New text.

I like it. Here's a quick issue:

>that looked to be
>of sorts
>He looked as though
>it appeared that
>whatever his good dream was about

When you use these vague expressions, you leave gaps and invite the reader to fill them in. In general, this is not a good thing. If you feed the reader's imagination, it will automatically add more detail on its own. But if you call attention to the blank spots with turns of phrase like these, it will dry up. Imagination is shy like that.

The only one I like is:
>He looked as though he was in the middle of a sweet dream.
People don't generally think of body and facial language in terms of the actual gestures involved. Their minds jump straight to reading the emotion. So if you write something like
>His nares flared and his upper lip twitched.
it's not as good as
>Disgust flashed across his face.

Some amount of uncertainty on the part of the narrator in these cases helps to remind the reader when the narrator is reading minds and when it isn't.
>> No. 99672
Title: Crescent Eclipse
Name: InfiniteBrony
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Romance][Tragedy][Dark][Adventure]

Synopsis: Evils both new and ancient have begun to move.The world lies on the brink of war.The fate of eveyone lies in the hooves of nine young ponies. Just how far will they have to go to protcet those they love?

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/12482/Crescent-Eclipse

Comments:
-spelling
anchient
-semi-colon use
Composing himself, he rose to his hooves and donned his own saddlebags; his friends following suit and doing the same *When not used as a super-comma, semi-colons should be used to join two complete sentences together in a way that links them more closely than a hard stop would.
-tense/missing letters
whenever she tried to recall a dream it always elude her
-comma usage
Without even bothering to turn on the lights she began to rummage around in her cabinets
*In this case, a leading participle phrase should be offset with a comma, but you have several places where a comma can and should be used to help either organize the flow of the sentence or to clarify your intent.
-using hyphens in place of em-dashes
- a lumpy and misshapen clay affair that Spike had made for her and even fired himself back when he had first gotten his flame -
*If you're working in an environment that doesn't support em-dashes, use two hyphens without a space between them instead.
-use of tildes in fiction writing
“...light. Twi~ light. Twilight!”
*Don't do it.
-dialogue punctuation
“Certainly Luna.” Celestia said

Remember, these aren't every instance of every problem--these are just the categories of issues that stood out to me. However, the major one by far is show vs tell. As much as I want to break down a line-by-line analysis and help you work the story into a better shape than it is right now (honestly, I do!), I'm afraid that I'd only be treading ground that a reviewer is going to be covering anyway, because that's what you need: a reviewer to do a line-by-line editing sweep for grammar (mostly minor, aside from your comma usage) and especially show vs tell.
>> No. 99680
">Please keep the expletives to a minimum.
Fair enough, although...”

1.Alrighty then

">the plebs that inhabit my school
I don't take offense at that, but if I may offer some advice, looking down on people in general is a good way to alienate oneself, especially from those who come from a different culture. There's a lot to be learned from 'plebs'."

2.I agree. Unfortunately, the plebs in question aren’t exactly the benevolent kind you’re referring to, so if I learn anything from them aside that I am not fond of them and what NOT to do, I’m afraid their malevolence and mean spirited-ness will rack me more than it already has.

In more simpler terms, when I said "plebs," I meant the rowdy, annoying people at my school.

--

“The Sue issue:

Yes, there are people who will take offense at special-snowflake descriptions. Most will quit your story silently. But I think you're striking close to the heart of Sue with this:

>I generally view my characters as my own children. Children that I often put in harm’s way and neglect, but children who I will come to the defense of if I find a remark against them that isn’t something they had coming.

This is a hazardous attitude to have. No harm, no foul if you pull off a good story in spite of it, but I don't think it's well-advised. Good characters should be frustrating - you pull your hair out at how hard it is too keep them credible.”

3.I’m…so confused right now.

“>Part of the fun of a fic like this is seeing him manage to take down single-hoofedly, or almost single-hoofedly, threats that the average Equestrian would find insurmountable and perform dazzling feats.

That's probably not anywhere near as interesting to readers as it is to you. You have to ask who you're really writing for.”

4.I’m writing for the kind of people (much like myself) who like to see an odd character thrust into a world that they themselves find odd who shakes things and the status quo up a bit by himself (at least until some massive event comes and shakes things up in a way he himself could have never have achieved alone). Likewise, I am also writing for the kind of people (much like myself), who like to see said odd character become frustrated with the odd world he’s found himself in as he attempts to change things up (like by the people and the various beasts that manage to give him a run for his money) and ultimately admits that the new world he’s found himself in isn’t all that bad and learns the lesson that just because something seems lame and girly, it can actually be pretty awesome, entertaining, epic, etc etc etc. Hence, while he will retain some of his usual abilities that put him above and beyond the ordinary man (or in this case, "Pony") to some degree that will allow him to best foes that no normal colt his age, size, and etc would be able to face, he won’t be able to do something, like, take out the princesses in a fight or some creature that’s immense and/just so darn powerful like a full blown Dragon or Hydra by himself (and maybe not even with help). Dragon teens on the other hand (assuming it’s a one on one fight), he’d be able to handle a lot better. Plus, Lazor, despite his myriad of adventures, really isn’t what would be considered a master strategist or tactician (the majority of the problems he’s been faced with having essentially boiled down to him just tearing something apart with his tremendous class-15 strength or blowing it to bits with laser beams (both of which will, as I’ve said before, be turned down during his primary stay in Equestria) while Eduoard guides him and does most of the battle thinking and diplomacy for him) and has a tendency to boast and become needlessly prideful (and was not exactly given the best education on that island he grew up on or easy to be taught by Eduoard (who is still technically teaching him). Let's just say that back home, a movie like say, Star Wars was viewed as a Docu/Drama and showed in schools to help illustrate historical events to children).

“- How much should he complain?

About as much as Rainbow does in "Suited" or Twilight does in the S1 pilot.”

5.That was the basis of my original intention, so, alrighty then.


“New text.

I like it. Here's a quick issue:

>that looked to be
>of sorts
>He looked as though
>it appeared that
>whatever his good dream was about

When you use these vague expressions, you leave gaps and invite the reader to fill them in. In general, this is not a good thing. If you feed the reader's imagination, it will automatically add more detail on its own. But if you call attention to the blank spots with turns of phrase like these, it will dry up. Imagination is shy like that.

The only one I like is:
>He looked as though he was in the middle of a sweet dream.
People don't generally think of body and facial language in terms of the actual gestures involved. Their minds jump straight to reading the emotion. So if you write something like
>His nares flared and his upper lip twitched.
it's not as good as
>Disgust flashed across his face.

Some amount of uncertainty on the part of the narrator in these cases helps to remind the reader when the narrator is reading minds and when it isn't.”

6.Alrighty then. So….what did you think about the original scene in the tale where the Crusaders were introduced? What do you think needs to be changed/kept the same there?
>> No. 99691
File 133565042586.png - (421.17KB , 600x694 , power_trixie_by_milkydayy-d4lshcq.png )
99691
Trixie would like to report that her review of the prologue and both chapters is complete, for the sake of the maintainers. The author has been aware.

The comments in the documents speak for themselves.

As a note for the author:
At times, your style of writing can be so overly-technical that it's frustrating and boorish to read. Work on more organic descriptions and dialogue as you continue writing.

Also, as Trixie stated several times, she really does not like the names of some of your OCs, but that's a matter of taste.
>> No. 99694
>>98234
Now in Google Docs, if preferred:
Intro:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pbT3augTDB6N3EuUqKJ17OMSStpheCppHBo6oXPNBn8/edit
Part 1:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rp-sNwHv3wsiV4VqysrhZ6tO_Rc0bklSVqdCZKuxFHE/edit
Part 2:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SmxOP435pcc-8W_oTv7-7vxecpLvDjsYJlF89FHBFoo/edit
Part 3:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ihvuWSjXBZSIK4n-9plmFmCLGcCHbklKQdR7diSXtTQ/edit
Part 4:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1difrlMUP7r-EH0UNwQSGDH_s1Ghk87kcf4UdxWg-8Sk/edit
Part 5:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1oybYSxPlrZH8-O37OUGht1lcrvCwDGcX2oeoTnmv3rI/edit
>> No. 99702
>>99680
Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt. My bad, it's just... I, and probably Eustatian here, have seen this before. Your fourth point, although it sounds nice and all, is the description of a Sue. In fact, its a little scary, how close it is.

A Sue, is a character that is created in the pursuit of wish fulfillment. That's it. It doesn't matter if your creating an epic tale of war, love, and explosions; the reader will not read it because the character doesn't relate to them. He won't feel real, and that really takes the mickey out of reading a story.

For any reader, the point of even reading a story is to "lose yourself in the world and characters". That means making them relatable to ANY reader, and that's why its hard to make a good character.

Your third point is understandable: the whole "lolwut?" thing. Characters are not, as is commonly mistaken, to be loved by their creators. If you want the cold, hard truth of the matter, they are only tools. You must use a character like a pick, and hammer them with merciless brutality to chisel out a well-sculpted story. They can't be your children - none of them. It's unhealthy to love a tool. In all cases, you must be objective and unattached; and willing to use the scalpel on them whenever need be. That's the hallmark of a good author.

You're on the right path, so take this as some warning from another who went down the same path as you. Don't get upset, and once again, sorry for interrupting. It's just heartbreaking to watch sometimes, and I couldn't help myself.
>> No. 99703
Geno here. Just wanted to say that Daring Do and the Ivory Idol is up on FiMFiction, and this link can be placed in the queue rather than "see post"

FiMFiction link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22634/Daring-Do-and-the-Ivory-Idol

However, once someone would be willing to review, I'd appreciate it if they could use the comment-enabled Google docs. It makes it easier to see feedback in those comments, y'know?

(Part 1)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1n3Q-_fmQbEArH6kqDLpZIPn1eJP84Hs_p49I57DIahM/edit

(Part 2)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TONrOsVijBk9nGCv67PwnBsVkQlV5zt3hq66qH8DGtc/edit

Thanks again all you people, can't wait to get my stuff reviewed so I can make it better. :D

-Geno
>> No. 99705
Tags: [slice of life]

Synopsis:After being captured, and losing much of her abilities, Chrysalis tries to find a part in Equestrian society where she can get the love she needs. When Trixie offers her a chance to be part of her act, and earn the adoration of ponies everywhere, she is more than happy to accept.

Prolouge: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1LAvVNqR2ViIqM6IxQrXAIixJZ_bE93lhGe6PRVdm1DQ/edit

Comments are enabled so if you are able to make use of those, it would be appreciated.
>> No. 99711
>>99702

“Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt. My bad, it's just... I, and probably Eustatian here, have seen this before. Your fourth point, although it sounds nice and all, is the description of a Sue. In fact, its a little scary, how close it is.”

1. I thought a Mary Sue was a character who was perfect at everything they did and always managed to come out on top with little effort involved, was loved by everyone, and got all the chicks.

“A Sue, is a character that is created in the pursuit of wish fulfillment. That's it. It doesn't matter if your creating an epic tale of war, love, and explosions; the reader will not read it because the character doesn't relate to them. He won't feel real, and that really takes the mickey out of reading a story.”

2. I’d tell you why the anvil of irony struck me at this statement, but it really isn’t that hard to deduce.

“For any reader, the point of even reading a story is to "lose yourself in the world and characters". That means making them relatable to ANY reader, and that's why its hard to make a good character. “

3. Right…I’ll just ignore that absolute statement.

”Your third point is understandable: the whole "lolwut?" thing. Characters are not, as is commonly mistaken, to be loved by their creators. If you want the cold, hard truth of the matter, they are only tools. You must use a character like a pick, and hammer them with merciless brutality to chisel out a well-sculpted story. They can't be your children - none of them. It's unhealthy to love a tool. In all cases, you must be objective and unattached; and willing to use the scalpel on them whenever need be. That's the hallmark of a good author.”

4. Ummm…why is it so bad for an author to love characters of it’s own creation? Hell, if a writer didn’t love or in some way enjoy their own characters, than what’s the point of writing a story about them to begin with? How can you write a story that excites and fills your readers with enthusiasm if you yourself can’t be excited and enthused with the characters you create?
Unless you have somehow mistaken this joy of mine I have towards my characters as coddling, in which case, I feel I must make one thing perfectly clear. I do love my characters, much like a parent would. Like any good parent, I generally want to see them succeed and do great things (even the villains) and perform entertaining feats. But, I am NOT the kind of parent who coddles them. I’m unsure what you mean by “using the scalpel on them whenever need be,” so I’m assuming you mean putting them in challenging situations and not always letting them succeed against the odds. If that is indeed what you mean then yes, I do agree. I’m not above having them get beat down. I’m not above putting them through turmoil mental, physical, emotional, what have you in all the various shades those come in. I am not above giving them character flaws and character strengths that can be exploited and poked fun of by people. I'm not above killing them off if need be (emphasis on the need be). Heck, I’m even not above reshaping their personalities and traits if it would make a tale better in some regards. The reason I responded to Eustatian as I did was because I thought he had vugularly attacked one of my characters in an unnecessary and uncalled for way that was not how said character was portrayed as in the opening scene of my original draft (which turned out to be an error on my part as he later explained that his term was just a trope used to describe said character, which I admit actually is an adequate description of him in many ways). THAT is what I meant when I said what I said in my response to his review.

“You're on the right path, so take this as some warning from another who went down the same path as you. Don't get upset, and once again, sorry for interrupting. It's just heartbreaking to watch sometimes, and I couldn't help myself.”

5. Considering my perceptions of the path you currently walk (though I admit, those perception may not be entirely accurate), I’d much rather walk the current path and eventually walk a better path than the one you seem to have laid out for me (assuming of course that this is the path where characters are JUST play thing that I can’t get enthused or enjoyment out of).
>> No. 99727
[Grimdark][HiE]

Twilight knew Spike would start to grow up one day, but that doesn't make it any easier when it happens. She's sure Pinkie's right: he just needs some space, and he'll be just fine by himself while she spends some time with Celestia.

But the Princess has her own reasons for calling Twilight back to Canterlot. Dark forces are afoot: two travelers in the Everfree have woken dark forces beneath the Earth, forces of fire and steel.

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B4GwtWrskMSEZXlJbUlzeGxpY1E

Yeah, sorry to bring this up so quick, but here I am again. I split Chapter three in two, and so now it's chapter FIVE that needs looking at.

This is another important chapter, and I have a few concerns with it:

1: This chapter has a lot of dark elements in it, primarily as a means of conveying what horrors a number of the antagonist's prisoners/slaves have been subjected to. I'm concerned if, in one way or another, I went too far. Mind you, this IS Grimdark we're talking about, but I'm not making an exploitative piece, so gratuity should only go so far.

2: The antagonist's motivation is revealed at the end of this chapter. I want to know if it's good enough, given he's doing some pretty monstrous things. Point is, if too much of what he's doing doesn't make sense to the reader, saying "he's crazy" can only do so much.

And of course, general stuff is fine too. I'm concerned about those things, but there is likely stuff I'm not even suspecting.

I welcome DuncanR back if he wants, but I'm open to whoever is up to the task :-)
>> No. 99753
[Normal] [Dark] [Sad]

Queen Chrysalis, ruler of the changeling swarm, is at the height of her reign. Food stores are full, her subjects are happy, and her colony is safe. But when a new clutch of eggs hatches, the food stores begin to dwindle with hundreds more hungry mouths. Faced with a crisis, Queen Chrysalis must find a new food source for her people, or face extinction. But when a land to the north, brimming with love, is discovered, will she be able to secure it for her people? And what are the consequences should she fail?

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0Bx9G8F06u1FUcWlPMGh3OWNHLVE

And from the office of the Equestria Daily Pre-readers:

"Hello! I am Pre-Reader Ω, and I unfortunately cannot recommend your story for posting on Equestria Daily. But do not despair, for I see potential in your story on a fundamental level that needs to be matched by your writing in order to warrant an Equestria Daily feature. So, for your benefit, I will list the problems I see with your story, and some explanation of what needs to be improved.

Keep in mind that this is a basic and by no means comprehensive list of problems I have found in your story.

-Excessive wordiness/Redundancy
-Improper dialogue punctuation
-Pronouns used without a subject
-Improper word usage
-Misplaced commas
-Said-isms
-Show vs. Tell
-Long, rambling sections dedicated to character description
-Missing commas
-Word omissions

Your main problem, aside from a high level of accidentally wrong punctuation and word omission, is your narrative structure, which is hard to follow due to an excess of entirely unnecessary phrases, clauses, adjectives, adverbs, etc that come across as unnecessarily confusing and comedic in some senses. Look at your second and third sentence if you want to know what I'm talking about; the narrative is adding periphery clauses to little to no effect, and only serves the purpose of confusing the reader.

Lots of dialogue is either improperly punctuated with a comma ending it even though it is not tagged with a speech verb (i.e. "Yes," he said vs. "Yes." He ran for the door") or is just missing the end punctuation outright.

The first sentence begins with a pronoun, but no subject. Why not use the name instead of a pronoun? In fact, we have no mention of the name Chrysalis until halfway into the story. Why?

Said-isms are the final thing I'll clarify, because the rest is fairly self-explanatory. Basically, you don't have the problem of too much variety between speech tags, but you have the problem of weigh every singly piece of dialogue with one. This becomes bothersome to read after a while, especially because you repeat many non-standard (the standard being "said") tags throughout the story, which only serves to baffle.

This is your first strike. Revise wisely."

I've made my edits since the pre-reader sent it back, so hopefully those problems mentioned above won't be so pronounced. I also hope I did this right...I'm bad at chan sites ohgod!

Thank you in advance for whoever picks this up...or, thanks for letting it sit unanswered in the board? I dunno...

I also really hope that Google docs is editable for you, undefined great person who wants to edit this. I don't use that very often, either :S And if you do/can edit in-document, can you do it in red?
>> No. 99759
>>99691
Review acknowledged. Thank you very much for your efforts.

One last thing, what, if anything, do you particularly like that I should continue doing?
>> No. 99762
Alright, I'm giving this one more go before I try for the pre-readers of EQD again. I'm feeling confident this time around, but... I just want to be sure. That new "three strikes" policy Seth set in place has made me paranoid.

Title: The Sweetest Gem
Name: The Rarispy
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [Shipping]
[Incomplete]

Synopsis: It's no secret to almost everyone in Ponyville that Spike has a crush on Rarity, but little does he know that Rarity's little sister may in fact harbor similar feelings for him. However, Sweetie Belle is unsure of how to react to her first crush, and Spike is beginning to see things in a new light himself.

Links:
Chapter 1:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BWNRzXdeEiLNM3Rqq8FvNhUcG-sFRMqD01TRG1hEjEo/edit
Chapter 2:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UQMyc_2kv4ZzwmbKcXJO74QRHlKOIh3yYXDrn_JJz8I/edit
Chapter 3:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1QyHZx0ELexQJ_yA4h5w1Rs1-vw0R19C_JGR3GZfrUlE/edit
Chapter 4:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1h9Phls4h3JX7Op4kENAQnccqF4amTfa1L3scCSc59-c/edit
(I would prefer it if all of these chapters could be reviewed.)

Alright... there is ONE specific thing I'm looking for from whoever reviews this. A problem that's persisted throughout this entire revising process, from the first attempt at EQD submission to the last time this got reviewed here on Ponychan.

How well does the story flow? Does the prose still feel dry? Is it all running well mechanically?

That's what I mainly need right now. I really feel like it's been my biggest weakness for this whole thing. So anyone can review this, I just would like them to focus on that aspect. But of course, if you spot some other problems that you think need pointing out, then you know, don't hesitate. :)
>> No. 99795
Tags:
[Grimdark]

Synopsis:
Equestria is plunged into a war between the Solar Empire and the Lunar Republic, led by Princess Celestia and Princess Luna respectively. The mane6 are forced to either take sides or run, and the fates of most are unknown to each other.

Links:
http://xeerax.deviantart.com/art/The-Second-Great-Pony-War-298863955

Comments/requests:
This is my first serious piece of writing in ever, so be as harsh as you want.
>> No. 99799
File 133569189406.png - (235.12KB , 1032x774 , Lets find you a date cover.png )
99799
[Shipping][Comedy]

When Rarity finds out how little Twilight gets out of the Library, she decides to help Twilight find a date and begins to teach her the art of courting.

~6,500 words (one-shot)
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v6vIyNcDZKstdE53reGAXzM_y3ck9c3aPBoTzZgrr34/edit

Comments: Unpublished as of yet, this was a fun light-hearted shipping fic I decided to write. I plan to send it to EqD and then post it on fimfiction.
>> No. 99880
File 133573870079.jpg - (598.15KB , 1024x1024 , 67080 - apple_bloom catdog cmc Cutie_Mark_Crusaders fluttershy ivan_braginski_has_taught_them_we.jpg )
99880
TTG is off the front page? That won't do.

>>98234
>>99694

Claiming (I'll use the GDocs copy)
>> No. 99913
>>98873

Holy long post. I'll take this one.
>> No. 99916
File 133575368832.png - (301.74KB , 400x1200 , 10688 - mind_control pinkie_pie rainbow_dash.png )
99916
Verily!

>>98234
>>99694
>>99880

Finished up the first few sections, so I figured I'd check in and drop some overarching comments for now.

Grammar
Most of the overarching issues were grammar related (more specifically, punctuation). Which is good, because those are easy to track down and fix.

Colons were the biggest one. You were essentially using them as semi-colons. So as a first pass, you'll probably want to change every colon to a semi-colon (I'm not sure that I saw a colon that should be kept as one). Even as semi-colons, they were slightly abused.

>She smiled; whatever else her friend had forgotten, Ditz always remembered that blueberry muffins were her favorite.

The tie between those two clauses really isn't strong enough to merit a semi-colon. Period would probably be best there.

Some cases of CANTERLOCK for shouting, and parenthesis for interjections. Best to avoid both of those (use italics, and either commas or emdashes, respectively). Also, you were using hyphens to represent interruptions; those should be emdashes too.

Whenever one character is addressing another, you want to have commas surrounding the name.

>You feeling alright, Spitz?
>But, Ms. Cheerilee, it wasn't a note, it—

Some instances of pronoun confusion. While you can assume that the reader has a brain on their shoulders, you also want to make sure that you aren't being ambiguous when you say "she". Even if the answer is clear after a second or two of thinking, you don't want your readers to have to stop and think who "she" is. That breaks the story's flow.

A few instances of telling emotions. Don't specifically tell the audience that Dinky feels a sense of dread. It's much more engaging to the reader if you let them infer this via speech and actions.

I marked a few sentences that just felt... too overloaded.

>She had just opened her door to go inside when she was propelled through it by a tackle from a multicolored blur she recognized (from her new position on the floor) as her friend Rainbow Dash, who was now on top of her.

There's nothing inherently bad with long sentences. Indeed, mixing them together with short sentences tends to make the read engaging. But sometimes, it feels like you're trying to cram a bit too much info, and/or too many actions, into a single sentence. In this sentence, Ditzy opens the door, Ditzy gets tackled, Rainbow Dash ends up on top of her, and Ditzy recognizes Rainbow Dash. Further, with the choice of phrasing, this is all implied to be happening more-or-less simultaneously. Don't be afraid to break some of these into separate sentences. Long sentences can be reserved for when the entire thought is connected by a singular idea.

Plot, Characters
No objections here. I'm not exactly the most well-read reviewer on the block, but I feel sufficiently hooked by the premise. Everypony feels in-character, as far as I can tell. Even in more difficult scenes like Rainbow Dash's visit to Ditzy's house, the actions there felt organic and in-character. I don't usually care about Derpy versus Ditzy drama, yet the exchange with Rainbow Dash gave me a sad.

POV, headhopping
Right, so the big one. I can see what your EqD prereader was referring to. I'm not sure exactly the best way to tackle it, but let's break it down.

The Intro seemed to have its own kind of symptom of this. We start alone with Spitfire. The narrator has access to her thoughts and feelings. She meets up with Ditzy, but we still only have access to Spitfire. Then Spitfire leaves, and we headhop to Ditzy. That's justified, since the action is remaining in Ditzy's house, but it's still a rough transition. Then every remaining paragraph of the Intro headhops between Ditzy and Dinky.

Part 1 was related but different. You had horizontal line breaks for scene changes, and the narrator only followed one character per section, so that wasn't really the issue. However, there was still headhopping occuring, generally just to hop into another character's head for one paragraph, then return to Dinky's head.

There is such a thing as third-person omniscient, but this doesn't really feel like that. Each scene clearly has a "primary" character's head that we're inside. That makes these single-paragraph hops feel a bit jarring.

One suggestion I had was to move thoughts out of the narrator's voice, and into italisized thoughts. This is still omniscient, but it gives the whole thing more of a dialogue feel, which might be less jarring when we suddenly switch heads. Compare:

>The photo almost made her giggle before she stopped herself: it looked like the Wonderbolt lady wanted more of mommy's muffins (which Dinky could certainly understand) while mommy was being silly with her coffee.

>The photo almost made her giggle before she stopped herself. That Wonderbolt lady sure looks like she wants more of Mommy's muffins! she thought. And why is Mommy wearing her coffee on her head? She's so silly!

Aside from the fact that the narrator is presenting thoughts as dialogue, the narrator's lines otherwise stay impartial. I think this improves things, but I'm not 100% if that will fix the problem completely.

The other suggestion I have is to reconsider how necessary it is to headhop. Some of these facts can be omitted, either because they aren't critical, or because you can show them in other ways. Maybe even because you don't want to fully tip your hand to the reader; sometimes when it comes to revealing motivations, less is more. Consider:

>Scootaloo tried not to let her skepticism show. Based on past experiences, Dinky didn't exactly have the best grasp on what was cool and what wasn't: the last "cool" thing she tried to show her was how the muffin her mom had packed her for lunch had 13 different things baked into it. Still, at least something like that would be interesting: better than sitting and doing nothing during a history lesson. "Okay… what?"

While an amusing anecdote, this is smack-dab in the middle of a section that's clearly taking place from Dinky's perspective, so the transition to and from Dinky's head (or rather, lack thereof) is disruptive. You could get around this by letting her skeptism show visually, and omit the muffin story.

>Scootaloo scoffed and rolled her eyes. "Oh boy, sounds exciting. What is it?"

Or, let her vocalize the story.

>Scootaloo shook her head. "Something cool? Please. You're probably the most uncoolest pony in class. Last week, you tried to convince me that a muffin was cool!"
>"Hey, that was cool!" objected Dinky. "Mommy managed to squeeze thirteen different flavors into a single muffin. I doubt anypony else in Ponyville could manage that!"

Dunno. Something along those lines might work. As it stands, I do think that you should change those parts before resubmitting to EqD, but hopefully it shouldn't require too much overhauling.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. I'll continue looking through the remainder of the chapters, and post the rest of my review later. Thanks for the read!
>> No. 99921
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99921
>>99795
Grimdark you say? Snatchin' this up.
>> No. 99927
Alright, let's get this show on the road!

I actually like your plot. You took an interesting perspective, looking at Celestia and Luna before present day Equestria. There are some pretty big issues with your story, however.

First and foremost, your dialogue. Most of the exchanges in this story (particularly the ones between Celestia and her subjects) seemed completely stale to me. They didn't flow naturally at all, and frankly, the characters seemed completely two dimensional. More on that in a moment. Basically, your characters' only "type" of dialogue was fear and trembling. They didn't really have any minds of their own or any self respect for that matter. They all seemed to be copies of the same fearful and doting character that absolutely fawned over Celestia.

Remember to make your characters unique. For example, you might make the fore-pony more independent; it would be interesting if you portrayed him as viewing himself as an equal with Celestia, and that would actually allow for some cool interactions between them. Food for thought.

Next up, telling. Holy shit, lots of telling. This was particularly bad in your first chapter (though it got better over time). I highlighted the most significant examples in your Google Doc, so I would go back and fix those. As you're making your changes, keep some questions in mind: "Am I painting a picture for the reader, rather than giving them all the information up front? Will they be able to form a unique image of what's happening in their mind?" If the answer is no, you're doing something wrong.

Third, character development. Again, all your non-main characters were completely stale and two dimensional. They all shared the same "OMG IT'S CELESTIA" personality, and that made these ponies completely uninteresting. What you should do is give them each a unique "tick" so to speak. Something that sets them apart from all the other characters, and most importantly, something that contributes to the story as a whole.

Lastly, Celestia and Luna's interaction at the end. I know I already talked about dialogue, but I felt this deserved its own section.

OK, you wasted so much emotional potential here. Celestia just killed dozens of ponies; her reaction should be tear-jerker status, and it could be if you play your cards right. More importantly, Luna's conversation with her didn't strike me as one sister speaking to another. No, it struck me more as a mother speaking to a child, and I don't mean that in a positive way. Dialogue between these two needs to be snappy and interesting. In other words, it needs to flow like a river. Presently, it's flowing like semen.

Alright, I believe that covers the most significant issues. You've actually done a good job; there weren't any other outstanding problems. Best of luck!
>> No. 99929
>>99916
Greatly appreciate the review so far, and especially the suggestions pertaining to POV. I do hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
>> No. 99931
File 133575925913.png - (90.45KB , 269x270 , 133445493815.png )
99931
>>99799
I had a look at the queue. I think I'm going to lighten the load up a bit and find some feedback elsewhere.

Can someone remove me from the queue?
>> No. 99940
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99940
>>99795
Hmm. Well, there’s good news and bad mate. The good news is that you can only get better (and you will damnit, but you have to practice), and bad news is as follows. Please kick back, indulge in your emotional painkiller of choice, and enjoy the stream-of-consciousness as we delve into the multitude of issues I take with your work.

Firstly, this thing is SHORT. Like... maybe two pages at most were this a Gdoc (which, by the way, is a *far* superior format for creative writing and storytelling, and most reviewers and avid readers strongly prefer it). The problem with that is one that is inherent to the varieties of the Dark genre; namely, that GD is among the most difficult genres to pull off effectively, because it demands the writer be able to weave an emotionally engaging backdrop while maintaining your reader’s ever-so-precarious suspension of disbelief. As such, your piece here would more properly be a considerably extended synopsis than a story proper.

You need to take your time. Flesh out your scenes, and write with deliberation and extreme consideration. Every scene has the potential to set a tone, to establish an empathic connection with your reader. The concepts that are so wonderful in idea form, in your head, actually take an extraordinary amount of precision to communicate. Take your first line.
>The crowd hushed.
What crowd? How large? Where are they? What is the atmosphere of the gathering, tense, impatient, fearful? Is it morning, noon, night? Warm, chilly, is there a breeze, or is the air heavy and stagnant? Perhaps there’s a storm on the horizon, or a soft ambient light filtering through a light cloud cover. Remember that every sentence is an opportunity.

As you say, this is your first piece, and as such I *strongly* suggest you consider switching to a third person perspective. This is not meant to be insulting in any way; the fact is that first person tends to be an undertaking that calls for an experienced writer.

Your third line-
>Nobody except her knows why they are there.
What’s wrong with this? Well, first of all, it’s very weak. Further, it’s a missed opportunity to show the fact through exposition of the crowd, or even your own character, instead of a simple statement that conveys to actual connotations worth bothering with. Third, how the hell does your as-yet-unknown character know this? If he somehow does, he would either ONLY know that he/she knows nothing, or it implies he/she is in the princess’, er, queens’ inner circle and is in the know, which I kind of doubt is the case.

>Two guards escorted Applejack and Fluttershy to the stage.
This implies that your character, I’m assuming an OC at this point, knows these two personally enough to ID them by their given names, which is pretty common territory, except that you follow with this-
>I noticed the Queen got a crazy look in her eye before she started speaking.
Which implies that your oc knows Celestia on a personal basis, at least enough to know what her “crazy look” looks like. This is also another example of a missed opportunity. You could rephrase this as a show-observation which solves this issue quite easily by SHOWING your reader what a “crazy look” actually looks like. By the by, expressing such a degree of familiarity with both AJ/FS as well as Celly makes for dangerous Mary/Gary Stu ground.

>Fluttershy gave out a small squeak and nearly fell over, but before she did Applejack put her leg around Fluttershy for support.
You have an issue with an order of operations and surface level narration here. Check it out-
>Fluttershy gave out a small squeak and staggered as the wave of vitriol from the crowd washed over her. Seeing her friend’s distress, Applejack reached out, wrapping a strong leg around the pegasus to steady her.

You should be aware, by the way, that “Tyrant Celestia” is among the most overplayed tropes that exist in the fandom, and that most experienced readers will immediately disregard any story where this theme features even in passing. I am not one of them, but Celestia must be portrayed accurately, and if you wish to play her in the light you are, it’s going to take a hell a lot of rock-solid reasoning and motivation to make it even remotely believable.

>At this point Celestia is froths at the mouth,
Um. Huh. So… I mean, does this even look remotely right to you? Have you gone over your story more than once? If you answer yes to either of these questions, the only conclusions I can draw are mutually exclusive, and none of them are terribly positive. Grammar and sentence structure aside (which are both awful), you’re displaying a profound lack of character analysis here. You have to remember princess ruled an entire nation for (at least, given interpretations) a thousand years of peace and prosperity. Such a being would be

Ah. So your character of choice is Twilight herself. Hmm.

>and I someone called my name.
nope.avi

On the plus side, you seem to have a fair grasp of how to write dialogue properly in terms of punctuation and capitalization. Good on ya.
Also, good backpedal with making the entire above section a nightmare. This reengages a much-needed suspension of disbelief, giving your story a second wind. Let’s see how you handle this rebirth.

>"Hey, careful," says a pony I don't recognise.
Okay, here’s what you can do with this. Does Twi not know his voice? Say so. You could mention that her vision is blurry, extrapolating on her injuries. If she can actually see the pony, tell us what he looks like. Is he concerned? What’s he doing, aside from advising caution? How’s he standing, etc.

You’ve got a good deal of tense confusion when writing out a string of events.
Take-
>"Glad to see you're finally awake, Twi'. We're almost there," whispers Applejack.
First, do this-
>"Glad to see you're finally awake, Twi'. We're almost there," Applejack whispered.
And then throw in a bit of show (HOW she said it), an kill the superfluous comma and the unnecessary apostrophe-
>"Glad to see you're finally awake Twi. We're almost there," Applejack whispered gently, concern creasing her brow.

>"Whoa, Slow down, Twi',
Caps an apostrophe.

>The whole Nightmare Moon fiasco was a story designed to make Celestia appear the hero.
A heads up; this has been done over, and over, and over again. I strongly advice you get rid of this, and find a more believable and not-roadkill device.

AJ is giving Twi not only a creation story, a history lesson, but also a spiel on national topography? Really? OOC like a boss man.

>Firstly, the six of us aren't the most loyal, most generous, most kind ponies in Equestria, the Elements merely appear when needed, to ponies across history who represent each respective element.
This is self-contradictory mate. The Element bearers DO imply the ponies wielding them are the personification of their respective virtues. What you’re trying to say is that they appear and reappear at need to those who are most worthy of them.

>I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, I've only been told the basic story myself. I hope you understand now, Twilight.
This is perhaps your weakest point in the entire story. I mean, let’s examine this. You’ve got Twi an at least two of her first friends on opposite sides of a war between immortal beings. She is subsequently wounded on a battle field, and abducted by said friend-turned-enemy. There’s a huge amount of resentment and distrust inherent to that evolution of relationships that you’re just barely skirting, giving it mere lip service. Then you go on under the presumption that the most pathetic appeal possible will just resolve all of that trauma that Twi must have dealt with to even get to the point of considering Applejack an enemy! THEN you presume that Twilight Sparkle, penultimate intellectual badass, will set aside everything her world has devolved into with a sketchy creation story followed by “I’m a bit fuzzy on the details, but trust me on this I know I’m right and you should believe it okay?” AJ’s strength is that she’s direct, and that is often taken for being simple minded or even stupid. She’s neither.

So then, having finished, I don’t have a great deal to add, other than you really need to spend some time contemplating an in-depth analysis of the characters. Play with them in your head. “How would X respond to Y? What would A say if B said this, with this tone? etc ad infinitum.” On the up swing, I have to say you lay an interesting foundation for a story that I’d rather like to read! I want you to be able to tell this thing man. I’d say that’s pretty evident as my review for your story is about five hundred an then some words longer than the story-so-far that you submitted. I want you to become a good writer, so keep practicing, and keep writing mate! Cheers.
>> No. 99941
Hey all, just thought I would drop this off here!

Title: Eight Legged Friends

Author: Josh Meihaus

Email: [email protected]

Tags: Satire, Comedy

Approximate word count: 6,000

Synopsis: When Spike becomes suspicious of Twilight's new secretive attitude, he goes on the hunt and discovers Twilight's new pet: a massive Daddy Long Legs, the product of a growth spell gone awry. Despite Spike's attempts to contain it, the situation "spikes" out of control, and Twilight's deepening obsession with her eight legged friends spreads not only to the rest of the Mane 6, but all of Ponyville.
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xlfQtn35hKKlc9POc4UVHVnnPEFURXRY4mTUWSgZSTQ/edit

This is not currently complete. Since this is my first attempt at a comedy piece, I want to be sure that the humor is landing before I go any further. Basically, I need to know if the piece as a whole is actually funny.

Thank you to whoever accepts this!
>> No. 99960
>>99927

Wow. Looking back, I now realize just how right you are on all these points. I should mention, this story was part of my first fic ever written, which was a collection of stories about Celestia. I broke off this one and decided to expand it. The inexperience shows, clearly.

You have a good point on the minor characters. You've helped me realize that even if they're minor characters who serve under Celestia, that doesn't mean they shouldn't have any personality or be brushed aside. I'm currently redoing the first exchange between Celestia and Silver, and it's VASTLY better. So thank you.

However, I'm assuming it's okay to still have maybe one character react extremely to Celestia? Especially if the pony hadn't interacted with her at all before? She is royalty, afterall For example, I'm thinking I could expand the music scene a bit and have more dialogue with the cellist (we'll call her Octavia just because). Perhaps Octavia is new to the city and has an OMG CELESTIA reaction, as you put it, only to have Celestia reassure her and talk to her a little bit about her music. I'm assuming this is a good example of what I should do with other characters?

I will admit, I struggled a bit with the interaction between Celestia and Luna, especially given the circumstances. I mean, how do you portray the grief felt from killing dozens of ponies?. I'll have to fiddle with that scene a bit more. Do you think I managed to capture her grief adequately in chapter one, though? Or does that need work too?

Despite the big chunk of work this story needs, I'm beaming right now. I'm extremely grateful for your help, and I feel confident I can make this story even better. Perhaps you wouldn't mind taking another glance once I'm done with my changes?

Thanks again!

-Nicholas
>> No. 100011
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100011
>>99940

>indulge in your emotional painkiller of choice
Smile song initiated.

>which, by the way, is a *far* superior format
Noted.

>considerably extended synopsis
As an idea I got and quickly wrote down, this is understandable.

>suggest you consider switching to a third person perspective
I thought this as I was writing, and is something I will definitely do.

>how the hell does your as-yet-unknown character know this?
One of the reasons I though third-person would be better.

>“Tyrant Celestia” is among the most overplayed tropes that exist in the fandom
I don't read much fan-fiction, so this is good to know.

>does this even look remotely right to you? Have you gone over your story more than once?
Something I was going to remove/change, but forgot to. I had a friend pre-read the whole thing, and he said it was all rad and totally awesome.
Note to self: get better pre-reader(s).

>tense confusion
I started writing in present tense, realized it was a really bad idea, and went through and changed all instances of tense to past. Must've missed some.

>been done over, and over, and over again
As said before, I don't read much fan-fic, so good to know.

>entire penultimate paragraph
Now that is really helpful, I was wondering if perhaps that scene was a little off.


So, things I need to work on:
Keeping show characters in character
Clichés
Proof-reading
Perspective


Would you suggest I dump the war, tyrant Celestia & that whole story AJ told Twilight, and instead work on that mysterious magical wall prophecy of awesome? That was the part I really liked anyway. I'd still like to keep my idea on the alicorns as well, somehow.

Here's a humorous image as thanks for reviewing.
>> No. 100014
'Sup, y'all.

Don't want to clog things up, so could you remove my story (Never Disturb the Past) from the queue?

Strongly considering moving on to a different project at the moment, soap.

Anyways, thanks for your time, peeps.
>> No. 100032
>>99560

Sorry, I'm apparently so bad at this that I also screwed up the tags on the submission form as well as my post and I just realized this cause I forgot to check the queue after I submitted. Would someone be able to fix the tags for Twisted Harmony in the queue? [Dark] [Adventure] is what it should be. Sorry for my incompetence, first time doing this.
>> No. 100042
Author: Lucky Stampede

Tags: Adventure

Synopsis: Ordinary baker Sweet Roll is caught up in the Changeling invasion of Canterlot, while his girlfriend is caught on the other side of the city.
>> No. 100043
>>100042

Derped on the link:

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1s7LBxvMYL2Jo-qZ2b2w3J_SNv0OO4T0-KHMhfFHkWFY/edit

Length: 2908 words
>> No. 100068
>>99102

Snapping this one up right quick.
>> No. 100088
>>100068
Thank you. I see you have made gdoc comments, and I will now go through them.
>> No. 100098
>>100068
Been through the comments and replied to what I couldn't decide on.
>> No. 100111
>>98745

Requesting removal of my story from the queue. Currently, there's over 20 stories and things seem rather overwhelming.
>> No. 100139
Tags: [Normal]

Synopsis: The end of the show that started a phenomenon. Familiar faces return, new players come to the field, and the powers of friendship will be tested as the entire world is plunged into its greatest danger yet.

Link:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1z1fb4pKxavi6l36BtXBZaIYbg9v0iJzQleoajg3FgfE/edit

Comments: Ouch. I know they have to be tough, and I respect that they have seen a lot of work far better than mine... but those EQD pre-readers really know how to hit you where it hurts. I'd tell you what they told me was wrong with it here, but the email was... long. So, I made a Gdoc, so if anyone wants to review this, they can open up this link and read the email for themselves.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aLAbp6K4W83dMjFAHWq4CiEwCRPCiTFx0w8g1PecC0I/edit

I thought I did a reasonable job on it... but they couldn't even read all of it.

Comment on that link to the pre-readers email if you like, and tell me if they're justified. I won't lie, that hurt like a son-of-a-gun. I spent several months on this story, working very hard to try and make it at least readable.

I failed very miserably it would seem.

One last warning, the story is long, and was meant to be a one-shot that sort of blossomed into a first chapter.

You know where to find me. I'd say I hope you enjoy, but if EQD is to be believed... you probably won't. So, to those of you brave enough to try my story on for size, I can only wish you the best of luck.
>> No. 100167
>>100139
88k words isn't a chapter. That's a book. I mean, congrats on finishing a novel, but didn't you think about splitting that sucker up? Knowing when to form separate chapters breaks the monotony of a story, and gives the impression that the reader is actually going somewhere in the plot. It would get dull just scrolling through text after text after text... with no end in sight. Don't take it personally but, anyone would quit after a while.

Also, creating chapters advances the plot to the next main focus. Each chapter should have its own little sub-drama or conflict that gives the narrative a brisk pace. They push the reader along, making them wonder what happens next or what they new insight they'll gain from solving this new problem. Since your story doesn't have that, everything is just sort of meshed. The conflicts drift in and out without any rhyme or reason, and the narrative jumps perspective all over the place. You need to compartmentalize these things, and chapters are the best way to go.

So I'd say, instead of posting a 88k for us to look over all at once, go back and read through your story and try to get everything organized. Then start dividing like crazy, because this big a story needs at least fifteen-some chapters before anyone will look at it bit by bit.

Here's to seeing ya later!
>> No. 100169
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100169
Verily!

>>98234
>>99694
>>99880
>>99916

So I finished reviewing the remaining parts in GDocs. This post won't add much new, though. Most of the systemic issues in Intro and Part 1 were still present in these parts, naturally, so I won't focus on them much, here nor in GDocs.

Of the recurring issues, the ones that still felt most prevalent were:
- colon vs semi-colon
- headhopping vs. 3rd-person omniscient
- overloaded sentences
- pronoun confusion
- telling

Touching back on the headhopping thing, and my suggestions in the previous post... Particularly around Part Five, I believe that started to feel more like true 3rd-person omniscient, rather than the previous parts which were more "3rd-person limited with some disorienting headhops". So, I suppose another alternative would be to rework the earlier parts to utilize more mindreading, and shift the entire story into 3rd-person omniscient. This suggestion comes with a BIG OLD DISCLAIMER that 3rd-person omniscient is harder to pull off (as you've seen), and some readers don't even like it as much anyway (e.g. 3rd-person limited encourages more showing). So, of all the alternatives I mentioned, I recommend this one the least, but I figured I'd at least mention it.

To the list of styles to avoid (CANTERLOCK and paretheses were mentioned previously), add bold and underlined to that list. Stick to italics as a catch-all.

One recurring issue that seemed new: you had a tendency to occasionally split actions and speech into separate paragraphs, even when it's the same pony.

>"Well…"
>She scuffed a hoof across the cloudface. "Our old house was an earthpony house in Manehatten."

Sometimes this makes sense (a particular case in Part 5 comes to mind, where Spitfire was speaking for multiple paragraphs), but in most cases, it felt like you could remove the paragraph break and not lose anything.

I felt a little worried with Parts Four and Five, regarding the overall story arc. The Intro sets up the inital action. Parts One and Two have Dinky inadvertantly ruining everything (poor filly). This builds into Part Three where Ponyville starts to boil over. Then, Parts Four and Five completely freeze the present (partially justfied since they're hiding in RD's house, but still) for a bunch of flashbacks, and Part Five is the longest part. You definitely wouldn't want to axe the flashbacks entirely, for obvious reasons. I'm not even sure about scaling them back; while part of me in Part Five was going "Yes, we get it, they're training," the other part of me appreciated the relationship you were building there, and felt that triumph when Spitfire sucessfully spun that cloud (disclaimer: I'm a huge sap). So, I guess the best advice I can give is, look at how long you're planning the completed story to be, and make sure that the flashbacks aren't a) a large percentage of the story nor b) a huge block. You always have the option of scaling back the flashbacks, or breaking them up and spreading them around the story.

I felt rather worried about the end of Part Four. It came out of nowhere, wasn't mentioned again in Part Five, doesn't really seem to play into the themes you were building up in other chapters, could easily change the tone of the story depending on where you take it... Tread carefully there.

Overall though, this is an enjoyable little tale, so I'd certainly say you're on the right track. If you can track down these reoccuring issues, you should hopefully be looking good. Thanks for the read!
>> No. 100171
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100171
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23818/Strange-Turn-of-Events
First fic I've ever written. I have more written but thats all thats typed so far
>pic unrelated
>> No. 100172
Back again. Made improvements, doing well on Fim, but still not enough to get to EQD. So here we go again. I did ask another reviewer on the forms because this place was so busy, but I figured might as well do it here as well.

Title: Upon Wings of Sacrifice
Author: Rated Ponystar
Email: [email protected]
Tags: Adventure, Romance, Sad, Tragedy, Dark
Synopsis: How far would you go for love? Would you travel across the world? Face peril whatever the danger? Even sacrifice your own being? Rainbow Dash will have to answer these questions as she tries to find a forbidden mirror to bring back the one she both loved and lost. But at what price will it be?
Links:
Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/13YPwDBksPlKoTdfqGyyUuHC3ypKJrubegNXkJTKJmhc/edit
Chapter 2: https://docs.google.com/document/d/19DDSWODn6faBHwRAYgLIP3gpzcFpEZozjzqrwPxfgeM/edit
Chapter 3: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ofJ_Mjgo17Gb9epOljUaPsibFQ9Cn0SAOt_TXDNvt_s/edit
Chapter 4: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aG82lHmAiuXvbGNLMR4KEg0vXezsnMi0ZYXRYHiQPag/edit
Chapter 5: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zDzmyOY5QwwWe5Gif9kaBTX11wttRoLOzXdiTHivSXU/edit
Chapters reviewed: All
Comments: https://docs.google.com/file/d/1E1lcPHFrsgrHpwHq0nFGHz2FSOBLOY2Gzy46yetPR0HACi3mmfU4G9DuKAtz/edit

Thanks.
>> No. 100183
[Adventure][Dark]

When Kite, a young pegasus, finally earns his cutie mark, he finds it isn't quite what he had in mind. Claiming he'd been given the wrong one, a pair of ponies show up offering to bring him somewhere it can be exchanged.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xLSRxITLwRnOBz3KyoKu0ERxNXDXH8aP2B_o-cN4lN4/edit
>> No. 100184
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100184
>>100139
>Prereader comment: 0/5. Moon it hard.
Ouch.

Okay, taking a quick peek. I'd really hate to see months of effort get binned after one cursory review (ignoring the fact that I'm just going to give it a cursory glance myself).

Okay, like others are saying, you need chapters. Despite your initial intent to be a one-shot, this isn't one. For sake of comparison, Ender's Game was 100k. So you'll want chapters. You can still call the entire work Episode 1 if you want. There's precedence for that, with some stories having Part 1 Chapter 7, or Episode 2 Part 3, or whatnot. But 88k is too large of a "bite", both for reviewers and readers.

Another point to consider is that issues tend to be systemic. Look at the review I just posted.
>>99916
>>100169
While the full review was for 21.5k, frankly I was able to spot most of the serious issues in the first 4.5k. For the rest of the review, I glossed over those early issues, and there wasn't really too much additional to report by comparison. At this stage, your story could probably benefit greatly by having the first chapter or two (somewhere in the 3k-6k range or so) reviewed, and then you can go back on your own and apply that advice to the entire work.

The issue isn't that 88k is long per se. Plenty of fics are longer. The issues are that it's 88k in one document, submitted all at once, and yes, the prereaders are right that there are a number of problems in the first few pages. It's human nature to assume that the whole fic is like that. For a prereader or reviewer, you might argue that that's unfair, but keep in mind that your audience is just as fickle, if not moreso, and will Ctrl-W your tab at a moment's notice. So if you want your readers to stick around for 88k words (or more, given the Episode 2 teaser...), you'll need to hook them.

Page 1 has not much happening. Page 2 has a Big Bad get unearthed. Then we hop to Ponyville, where a whole bunch of slice-of-life from page 3 until page... 10. Sorry, but your audience left a while back. To borrow that Vonnegut quote, "Start as close to the end as possible." Skipping around, I stumbled on a full-page description of Twilight playing an organ, and a full-page description of the spires of some castle. Sure, it's a good thing to world-build, or describe a scene, or provide atmosphere. But I get the sense that at some points here, you lost controls of the reins and got swept up in the tangent. Part of the editting process will likely involve dropping the word count by several thousand words, in order to tighten and focus the narrative.

Still, it does feel like there's a broad, well-thought story underneath here—an adventure fic around this OC named Night. From my brief skim, I cannot make any claims about how good it is, how good it could be, whether or not this could eventually get onto EqD, etc. Still, I'd hate to see this get abandoned, just because it needs TLC. Still, it will definitely need TLC, both from reviewers and from yourself, before you should attempt EqD again.

Hmm... so I typed lots of words, and didn't really say anything. Let's at least lay out some potential next steps. These are just the suggestions of a newbie, so take them with the appropriate grains of salt, but it might get you pointed back on the right path.

1) Remove 88k version from queue
2) If you haven't already, apply the EqD feedback on your own, to the best of your ability
3) Split Episode 1 into chapters
4) Submit ~5k here for general feedback
5) Apply general feedback to all chapters
6) ???

Beyond that, the next steps would probably depend on how much progress was made / how much remains to be done. Anyway, I hope this appletini-fueled rambling is helpful, in one way or another.
>> No. 100200
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100200
Contact

Digi

[Slice of Life][Shipping][Sad]

A spell meant to contact a deeper part of The Elements of Harmony seemingly fails. Yet Twilight and her friends soon realized that not only did it work, it brings the Elements themselves into the land of Ponies. Can the Mane 6 befriend their Elements, or will the now ponified Elements be a bit much for them to handle.

Chapter 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1X3qVVUYs0W5neOqWvUXU-wVz8eG0eBWHgfh57-OtGoQ/edit

Okay just a note I know that I have enough trouble as it is with getting chapter out for "What is a Fluttershy". Yet after getting some cover art by Madmax herself, I just couldn't help but start writing this one. Let's just hope it doesn't slow me down too much, and that I get some fans with this one as well.
>> No. 100201
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100201
>>100200
I am compelled to read this.
the synopsis alone is enticing enough to keep me awake for the next milenia
>> No. 100202
File 133585538287.gif - (930.63KB , 210x118 , 133024661408.gif )
100202
>>100200
>Rhetorical question in synopsis
(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻
Can we please stop doing this now? You didn't even put a question mark at the end >_>
>> No. 100203
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100203
Tags: Slice-of-Life

Synopsis: Rainbow Dash visits a university in Canterlot that is famous for archeology... but can truth live up to fiction? A chance encounter with a larger than life pony answers this question in full and teaches her a bittersweet lesson about the difference between reality and imagination.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/14495ML6axMDS_Lr2JHuNyLLFTxC7qflObSUkA7Xhllo/edit

Comments/Requests: This story has been edited for a second pass through the gauntlet. This time, unnecessary comma, I need the services of a grammar/spleling/punctuation fanatic. I'm more worried about a proofreading than a review, but there is one issue I'd appreciate an opinion on. The previous TTG reviewer voiced a major concern:
>"The one point that seriously bugged me was your OC, whom you develop perfectly right up to the point where he/she loses me."
I've tried to address this. Please let me know if you think it's still a problem.
>> No. 100225
>>100167
Fair enough. I guess it's hard for me to know where to divide this and still keep each chapter engaging. I'll certainly try. I may need to resubmit this when I actually have chapters, instead of a single story, unless somehow I can keep the link as is. Any suggestions?
>> No. 100230
File 133588132227.gif - (15.39KB , 200x200 , 132580617333s.gif )
100230
>>100183
Now that is one heckuva summary, so much so that I'm going to claim it despite not having any time at all to review until Saturday. So, dibs!
>> No. 100243
Hey, all! I need some help on description.

How would you describe an alchemical circle? Specifically how a child who new nothing about it would see it Imagine something from Fullmetal Alchemist. Need this to flesh out my story a little bit. Thanks!
>> No. 100249
>>99941

Sorry to prod, but I think I was missed in the queue. Thanks!
>> No. 100251
Title:The Radical Adventures of Daring Dash and Derpy Do

Author: CommissarCC

Tags: Adventure

Words: 7000

Chapter to be reviewed: 1

Synopsis: Scootaloo hasn't seen her personal idol, Rainbow Dash, in a while. Rumours in town say that she just came back from an adventure with the ditzy postmare Derpy Do.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1te_fVJBEn4G1XiG9e_KHDBfslQs8W-7gCKt2jcI9c7E/edit

I'd like it to be reviewed by Grif, since he alrady went through this once and knows if I improved or it or not. But another pair of eyes probably won't hurt either.

If you accept this, be wary of bad grammar mistakes.

THnaks for your time.
>> No. 100254
>>99102

Alright, let's do this.

TL;DR review: Decent writing, poor pacing, cliche concept. This would have worked really well if better written, but as it stands, changes are in order.

Long review

Okie doke then, here are the major issues I felt held your story back.

1) Cliche concept

Don't get me wrong: I understand that there are only 36 "unique" plot lines in existence. There are bound to be similarities and repeats, especially when all the stories are based on the same concept (like in this fandom). You need to do something to help the reader get by that, though. Allow me to explain.

The whole "a character dying and leaving behind a sad message" has been done in a million different ways. Bittersweet, The Magic Never Fades Away, etc. It's all been done before. That's not to say you shouldn't use the death motif; you just need to find a different angle on it. That's the first and easiest way to effectively use a cliche plot: give it a unique gimmick.

The other way of getting by cliches is a lot more difficult. Either you need a unique gimmick, OR the story needs to be written so mind-bogglingly well that the reader doesn't care. Obviously, this is a lot more difficult. Doable, but difficult. As it stands, your quality of writing was decent. Nevertheless, it had some issues. Let's talk about those.

2) Pacing

This is the most significant problem with your story: the flow. You introduce four new characters (Twilight, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom and Celestia) in the blink of an eye. Reading this made me feel like I was being tossed about in a whirlwind; it just didn't feel natural.

In order to improve the pacing, I suggest the following:

a) Have Scootaloo visit Sweetie Belle in her home before she and Dawn leave the house. Write a conversation between Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle as well. This will not only help with the flow, but it gives you a fantastic opportunity to develop Dawn (she's not developed well as it stands; more on that in a mo').

b) Introduce Apple Bloom on the road like you did, but add a lot more dialogue in between the CMC's reunion and their arrival at the library. Have them reminisce more about their adventures in Ponyville, and play up their regret that those times are almost gone. This offers you further chances to develop characters, and it also produces emotions that are really powerful (regret is almost always a tear-jerker).

c) Talk more about the "Grandmother Twilight" aspect of the story. You wasted a lot of potential by not expanding on Twilight's life leading up to this story. It would have been really cool if she shared her wisdom with Dawn and the CMC, or something to that effect. Basically, have Twilight talk to Dawn and the CMC for a long longer before Celestia's arrival.

d) Speaking of Celestia's arrival, it was much too abrupt. Having her introduced suddenly is fine, but more time needs to pass between the CMC's arrival and Celestia's. Remember, play up emotions; you have so much potential here that you're just not utilizing.

3) Character development

a) Dawn: OC ponies are a blessing and a curse. They're a blessing since they give you an opportunity to demonstrate your skills as a writer. If you're able to effectively characterize and develop an OC, that's greatly admired. They're a curse since it's so damn hard to do exactly that.

Reading Dawn's dialogue, the word "played out" flashed through my mind more than once. Basically, Dawn is no different than other OC fillies I've come to expect in the fandom. What I've told other authors is that every character needs to have a unique tick in order for them to be interesting. You don't need to worry about that with canon characters, since they're already developed and have that unique personality. With Dawn, however, development is your responsibility. Give her a character aspect that separates her from other ponies in the story.

b) Twilight: So, by now, you've portrayed Twilight as this immensely wise old sage with almost a century of experience (or maybe even more?). However, nothing about her dialogue demonstrated that. I would suggest you write out a long conversation between Twi and the CMC. This will not only make the transition to Celestia's appearance more fluid, but it allows you to demonstrate that new aspect of Twilight's personality.

c) Celestia: When Celestia and Spike arrive, you need to make that conversation longer and more heartfelt. I admit, that scene made me go "Awww" a few times, but it didn't even get me to tear up. That's the problem you're faced with: you have the potential for this story to be haunting and horrifically sad, but you're not using it. Demonstrate Twi's relationship with Celestia as being one of two old friends, since that's basically what's going on. That makes the ending all the more beautiful.

Most important note: if didn't pay attention to anything else in the story, pay attention to this. Remember to play up emotions. A brony reading a sadfic is usually expecting something beautifully destructive. The emotional potential of this story is staggering, especially when told from Sweetie Belle's perspective. Every time you rewrite a scene, ask yourself one question: "Am I exuding emotion from every pore in my body?" That's what you want to do.

Sadfics are unique in the fandom; they require something unusual of the author. Writing true, powerful human emotion into literary ponies is no mean feat; it requires that we pour our hearts into it, let it become a part of us in turn, and leave a bit of ourselves behind when we're finished. Let it take you over, and the creative spirit will take care of the rest.

Best of luck!
>> No. 100255
Shipping, eh? Why the hell not? I'll give this one a gander.
>> No. 100256
>>100200

Oh my, comments are turned off and there are a lot of errors to point out. Please turn comments on in your Google Doc.
>> No. 100262
>>100251
Might be best to get a fresh pair of eyes. I might drop in unofficially to leave some comments though.
>> No. 100265
>>100249
I suspect you never put in a submission form (link at the top of this thread). That's how fics get added to the queue. If you already did that, it may have been inadvertently deleted.
>> No. 100269
>>98837
Claiming as per your request. I'm getting closer to being able to take this one, and it's still a bit down in the queue. I don't think anyone else will grab it in the next few days, so it's mine now. I'll get started on it late this week.
>> No. 100275
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100275
>>98175
Comments in the fic, here is the general overview of wut-I-thought.

First off, this is pretty well-written, especially considering you remarked later in your fic that you were a non-English native speaker. Cookie for you. Some instances where more showing would be good, but not too distracting.

That said, you have a problem common to all non-English speakers I found so far: you tend to misuse words for meanings they are not meant to use for. I would suggest looking up a dictionary before using any word you're unsure of, as they will only serve to confuse the reader. The only other way would be to get a native speaker to help, or just plain read more published fiction.

As to your story, well, I found the use of the case notes in your fic to be interesting, but I seriously doubt any layman reader would take notice or even care. For this reason alone, I would suggest you delete the entire case notes section you had in your first part. I think it detracts from the story overall, and serves as a lazy way to info dump. (Nothing of import I found in the section anyway.) Start with your story first and foremost.

I should also note that I detested Cupcakes in the original form and I never found a reason to like any of the numerous "sequels" that this horrific fiction spawned. Pinkie was horribly out of character in the original, and she's definitely OOC here as well. Looking from the point of view of the original fic though, your work certainly continues in that tradition. I suppose fans of Cupcakes would be pleased. Anyway, there were still a number of plot holes I noted as the fic progressed, particularly towards the end.

No.1: How did Pinkie manage to kill thirty-six ponies without anypony noticing, taking action, or even start arresting ponies on the spot? You fail to explain this, despite the numerous flashbacks. It strains the suspension of belief very much.

No.2: How the hell did Pinkie escape from the prison? You have already established that there were guards in the prison, and they were definitely competent enough to beat Pinkie bloody at one point. Yet, as we neared the end, they seemed to be steadily getting more and more incompetent: to the point where Pinkie was able to run circles around them.

No.3: Unless Pinkie has superpowers, there is no way she could evade the subsequent man(pony?)hunt long enough to find and kill the doctor (as was implied). In a world where magic and flying pegasi are readily available, this kind of wanton escape doesn't fly.

Address these, and you have a potentially solid insane!Pinkie fic here. I will say that her constant mind games were intriguing, and the (unnamed) doctor's slow descent into obsession was well conveyed. The other feeling I got was how
much Pinkie resembles The Joker from Arkham Asylum. Not a necessarily bad thing, but you should be wary of being called out on this.

tl;dr Solid Cupcakes sequel fic I suppose, could use some touching up.

Have a Pinkie Pie.
>> No. 100276
>>100256
Comments are now enabled. Also I would like to note that no matter how bad this version of this chapter might be, its nothing compared to the first draft. Now that one was terrible. Though I will also admit that its still in a "rough draft" stage, which is why I am getting some reviews here. Hope to hear from you soon.
>> No. 100283
>>100254
Thank you Umbra for this well-thought out review. I confess I wasn't entirely sure what to make of the comments you put in the doc and I didn't agree with all of them, but the explanation in your review makes everything clear and now I see what you meant.

I think, really, the first draft shows my inner Brit - I didn't want to ladle on the emotions too thick. But to be honest there's not all that much storyline other than the emotional side of that, so I agree, and I've hammed up the [sad] more.

I have been through and made quite a lot of fairly major revisions. I haven't overhauled it quite as much as it might be, but unfortunately university is very high pressure at the moment and I can't devote any more time to it. I wanted it finished so that I could work without it distracting me - I am happy with the result, though, even if it isn't 100% of what it could be, it's close enough for now.

And there's nothing to stop me from coming back to it in the future and revising it.

But for now, Fimfiction ho!

PS - yes, I know, isn't it the most awful cliché? I have nothing to say in my defence, other than I wanted to have a go at it myself.
>> No. 100285
File 133590532039.jpg - (743.05KB , 674x1571 , btfoh_by_thegreekdollmaker-d4rshf8.jpg )
100285
Greetings.

I am TheGreekDollmaker and I have a story to present. You see this is one of the first stories I wrote, meant to be a deconstruction of the traditional Human in Equestria fan fics. Unfortunatly, since this was my first story and I am not a native English speaker, it was a broken self-contradicting mess.

Thankfully, with the help of reviewers on this board, I managed to get in the right way and improved my writing and started writing cohesive plot stractures. As is the case, I see it fit that I post it here. I have fixed a lot of typos and put my best efforts to make good art for the story, but it is time I let people judge and critique my work.

Finally, I have to mention Chapter 4. I have been trying to write Chapter 4 for two months now. To give you a scale, the first draft was 40,000 words and I discarded it for being crap. The second one has reached 15,000 words and is still an unfinished mess. I will request for any reviewer that posts a review of the first three chapters to help me and advice me with Chapter 4.

This is Beneath the Fields of Heaven, a serious decostruction of HiE stories.

[Title]: Beneath the Fields of Heaven
[Name]: TheGreekDollmaker
[Tags]: Adventure, Human, Decostruction, Mythology
[Language]: English (second language)
[Summary]:
There once was a clever animal.

Between the uncountable star systems and light years separating them, it found itself in Equestria. The trees grew old as spring came, their leaves continued to fall around Equestria, the hummings of joy and festivities echoed between unconquerable mountains coming from the Gryphonian capital, while a grave maddening silence overtook the lands of the dragons like it did for eons at end. Nothing changed, and nobody was there to greet the wandering beast. The clever animal found himself directionless, stripped of his experiences, left with only shells and fragments of agonies to torment himself and others.

That clever animal was man.

***
A serious deconstruction of Human In Equestria stories.

[Note]: This will be a total rewrite of all three chapters, finally concluding with the release of Chapter 4. After that, this will be sent to EqD to see if they accept it.
[Chapters]: FimFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5969/Beneath-the-fields-of-heaven.
Chapter 1:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HnjLC3R6tYWMBaoxMtMAlUXFX10FfGT5aNasnmW68Kg/edit
Chapter 2:https://docs.google.com/document/d/13__JJxbfiIv3DC6Xa1WEzQVhFVamG553mWVENvfgGX8/edit
Chapter 3:https://docs.google.com/document/d/15sk2MThbp-j8PM1o9_662ALFqWhT5nMUYp1bwabkFWg/edit


With Regards
TheGreekDollmaker
>> No. 100287
I recently received word from an EqD pre-reader who's already commented on my fic and given a review.

Because of this, another one from the Training Grounds is unnecessary. If someone could remove my stuff from the queue, that would be appreciated.

I'd like to thank you for being here. I know several other people who aspire to write pony fics, and I know that this would be a great place to direct them.
>> No. 100289
>>100184
Of all the advice(which granted is rather small at this point) I think you've provided the best. I appreciate you willing to give this a little more big picture look, and I can agree with what I've heard so far. I will cut that version out, and come back with something that I hope is much more palatable. I thank you for your time and effort, and I will be certain to return when I've reigned this bad boy in a bit.>>100287
>> No. 100305
>>98861
Claiming She of Gilead's prologue. Expect a review very soon.
>> No. 100307
>>100169
Thank you for the review: I appreciate the detail of the numerous comments presented in the Docs.

I heartily agree that a lengthy flashback block presents dangers: I must balance said flashback block with reader interest. There is still a little more flashback to do, but fortunately most of it is "the accident," not "development."

The ending to part four was intended to come out of nowhere: I am pleased it was so effective in that regard. I recognize it's potential to shift the tone of the story.

I am glad you enjoyed the story, and hope you will be able to read it once it is finished someday.
>> No. 100312
>>100305
This one invites any reviewers more proficient than she to correct anything this one has said in error. This one will also be available for clarifications should the author ask.

Errors or mistakes this one has found will be listed below, while this one's general comments will precede them here:

Comments
This one is unfamiliar with the crossed-over material, so bear that in mind when evaluating. A good crossover is accessible to those who are familiar with only one of the universes.

>Calla
This one assumes that these "Calla" are the two-legged inhabitants of the village. Though this one wonders how Pinkie Pie knows what they are called.

Overall, this one finds herself confused by the story. This one fears that her unfamiliarity with cross over material is to blame, though she also worries that thus far, the plot has little to do with Equestria. You name-drop multiple things without explaining their significance. Alas, this one can be little help on the plot front and hopes her commentary on corrections useful enough for you.

Corrections
>two legged
two-legged

>In the logic Pinkie’s dream
In the logic of Pinkie's dream

>Stetson
This one believes it should be lowercase.

>Come-come-commala!
None of the other lines of the "song" have included punctuation. Either add to all of them, or remove this one.

>flawlessly tapped out the commala.
This one wonders if you are implying that Pinkie Pie knows what to call the dance.

>The song gained even more speed, along with the incredible dancer at the front; his feet disappeared into a blur as he tapped his heels and toes to the rhythm.
The semicolon seems incorrect. Consider the following: "The song gained even more speed, the incredible dancer matching its tempo. His feet disappeared in a blur as he tapped his heels and toes to the rhythm."

>forwards
This one is confident "forward" is more correct.

>crowd causing Pinkie to cry out in surprise,
crowd,

>caught him handily.
Handily feels like an awkward word choice to this one.

>The elderly should not over-exert themselves, and nor should you surprise them as she had learned. This old dancer seemed to be an exception.
This sounds awkward as well to this one. Consider revising it.

>The crowd deposited the dancer between the three who all burst into laughter; the grinning man leant down and placed an arm over the shoulder of the dark skinned woman.
Strikes this one as a run-on sentence. Consider a comma after "three" and breaking it into two sentences at the semicolon.

>without any warning,
"without warning" strikes this one as a better way to say it. "any" provides some warning.

>new place,
place:

>; its one notable aspect a huge decaying train-track that ran on endlessly.
incorrect usage of the semicolon. Both sides need to be independent clauses acting in concert. The latter here is not.

>"Welcome to LUD" ... Lud
This one believes the sign should be altered to not be in uppercase for all of "Lud."

>Faint drums that kept a constant beat sounded out, thumping out a steady rhythm that grew louder and louder, powerful and oppressing.
Consider: "Faint drums kept a constant beat in the background, steadily growing louder, oppressive.

>God Drums ... God drums ... god drums
mismatched capitalization. This one implores you to stick with one.

>war between the Pubes and the Grays
What are these and how does Pinkie Pie know that what she sees is the result of war between them?

>nor why what had happened had done so
Consider: "nor the reasons behind it"

>As she watched her dream began to shift again.
As she watched,

>non existence
non-existence

>faintly, much worse. Screams of terror.
faintly: screams of terror.

>Lud was replaced with another scene that played out underneath Pinkie. A vast desert sprawled out underneath her, with no end in sight.
"underneath" feels overused here. Consider the following change: "Lud was replaced by yet another vision: a vast desert sprawling beneath her with no end in sight."

>Dotted around were unhealthy looking shrubs and some unpleasant looking tufts of grass here and there.
This one does not believe this is a complete sentence.

>Or someone; quipped the wavering voice. A moment later it added Hile gunslinger Roland, last of the line of Eld.
Or someone, quipped the wavering voice. A moment later it added: Hile, Gunslinger Roland, last of the line of Eld.

>camp fire
campfire

>fire, and using the devil grass of the desert; he started a fire of his own, preparing for the chill that the night would bring.
and--using the devil grass of the desert--started a fire of his own.

>but painful chimes
but painful, chimes (alternatively use dashes instead of commas)

>She squeezed her eyes shut and bit down on her tongue in a mixture of agony and ecstasy.
Biting one's tongue seems like an odd reaction, as does experiencing ecstasy from loud noises.

>painful, wondrous chimes.
painful, wondrous, chimes.

>chandelier and
chandelier, and

>biggest arrays of food
largest arrays

>A man
How would Pinkie know what a "man" is?

>When Pinkie looked back
when did she look away between seeing him first?

>starting a slow, arrogant walk towards Pinkie.
walking slowly, arrogantly, towards her.

>A new conviction filled Pinkie. This one meant to harm Equestria; to hurt those she cared about, to destroy everything.
As-is, it sounds as though Pinkie's new conviction is to harm Equestria and so on. The easiest way this one sees to fix this is to change "one" above into "being" or "man."
>Long, raven-black hair spilled down and hung over his shoulders.
This detail seems out of place.
>> No. 100336
>>99753
I'll claim this. Expect a review in a few days.
>> No. 100377
File 133593325378.jpg - (14.07KB , 201x216 , 132183438549.jpg )
100377
Unclaimed: 21
Reviews awaiting acknowledgment: 11
Reviews In Progress: 8
To authors waiting around for a review: know that authors scratching each others' backs, reviewing each others' works, is what keeps The Training Grounds from completely overflowing. That, apart from commandos nuking the queue, which rarely happens and may never happen again. The most productive times of TTG, apart from when we had Herculean efforts from one or more reviewers, have been when there was the largest influx of new reviewers.

Unclaimed Stories
04/21/2012 ❖ Giggle at the Gespenst by Conchshellthegeek7 (>>98342)
04/22/2012 ❖ Dusty Roads by Kris Schnee (>>98386)
04/22/2012 ❖ Reconciliation by Rlogic1994 (>>98012)
04/22/2012 ❖ A.C. by Pastel Ink (>>98590)
04/25/2012 ❖ Stranger from the North by Gernon (>>99015)
04/25/2012 ❖ Pony Effect by Grif (>>98992)
04/26/2012 ❖ A Mile in Her Shoes by Ether Echoes (>>99444)
04/27/2012 ❖ Twisted Harmony by Chappy (>>99560)
04/28/2012 ❖ Crescent Eclipse by InfiniteBrony (>>99672)
04/28/2012 ❖ The Show Goes On by Khakispony (>>99705)
04/28/2012 ❖ Black Equinox by JDude (>>99727)
04/28/2012 ❖ The Sweetest Gem by The Rarispy (>>99762)
04/29/2012 ❖ The Sixth Age by Tactical!Rainboom (>>00000)
04/30/2012 ❖ Love and Monsters by Lucky Stampede (>>100042)
04/30/2012 ❖ Battle Royale: Friendship Program by Mr. Masato/Arby Works (>>100081)
04/30/2012 ❖ MLP:FiM the final season, Episode 1 "Nightfall" by Writer's Block (>>100139)
04/30/2012 ❖ Upon Wings of Sacrifice by Rated PonyStar (>>100172)
05/01/2012 ❖ Biased and Incomplete by DuncanR (>>100203)
05/01/2012 ❖ The Radical Adventures of Daring Dash and Derpy Do by CommissarCC (>>100251)
05/01/2012 ❖ Beneath the Fields of Heaven by TheGreekDollmaker (>>100285)
05/01/2012 ❖ Eight Legged Friends by Josh Meihaus (>>99941)

Reviews Awaiting Acknowledgment
The journey by Jazzyfeather (>>95135) submitted 04/04/2012 ❖ Reviewed by 108Echoes on 04/23/2012 (>>98664)
Free at last by Pinkamina_daine_pie (>>95266) submitted 04/05/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Snarkle & R on 04/16/2012 (>>97350)
The Crescendo of a Storm by Bearycool (>>95667) submitted 04/06/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Casca on 04/19/2012 (>>98020)
Aetiology by cause&effect and smoulderfly (>>95944) submitted 04/08/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Dromer on 04/26/2012 (>>99375)
The Refugee by Hazencruz (>>96961) submitted 04/14/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Timefly on 04/18/2012 (>>97786)
The Solar Enigma by Lionheart07 (>>96994) submitted 04/14/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Vanner on 04/20/2012 (>>98140)
Borderline by Lucefudu (>>98175) submitted 04/20/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Grif on 05/01/2012 (>>100275)
Shattered Prism by Ponyman (>>98377) submitted 04/21/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Baron Von Clop on 04/22/2012 (>>98554)
Water Under the Bridge by Rock Farmer (>>98723) submitted 04/23/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Casca on 04/24/2012 (>>98846)
The Winter War: Part 1 by Anrichan (>>98776) submitted 04/23/2012 ❖ Reviewed by Raharu on 04/25/2012 (>>99163)
She of Gilead by Cohesion (>>98861) submitted 04/24/2012 ❖ Reviewed by One who seeks on 05/01/2012 (>>100312)

Reviews in Progress
Cassius: reviewing Friends of the Dawn by Vanner (>>96127) submitted 04/09/2012
LunarShadow: reviewing Bloodline Chapter Two by Jake The Army Guy (>>97148) submitted 04/15/2012
Grif: reviewing Paradise Lost by RaptorSenior (>>97822) submitted 04/18/2012
Pascoite, and any others that may wish to do so: reviewing Silence is Bittersweet by Truehearted (>>98073) submitted 04/20/2012
Pascoite: reviewing Fluttershy’s Shadow: Chapter Two - A Doubt Of A Shadow - Part Two by Broken Logic (>>98837) submitted 04/24/2012
Dromer: reviewing Hive Mind: The Tradegy of Queen Chrysalis Chapter 1 by Atlas86 (>>99753) submitted 04/28/2012
Casca: reviewing Flying a Kite by Kirdus (>>100183) submitted 04/30/2012
Umbra: reviewing Contact by Digi (>>100200) submitted 04/30/2012
>> No. 100378
Tags: adventure, sad, dark, tragedy

The Edge Of Harmony

Pearl, a pony with a head full of stories from her child hood hero travels to Ponyville to fulfill her dream of meeting Twilight Sparkle. But nothing would have prepared her for what would transpire.

this is the google docs 1st chapter I would like a look over. Mainly need a look at flow and composition. There are a few grammatical errors like the use of commas and what not.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1NiggYJb1hHx0jkqXt7got6d3D7tKwMoa68gRROVhGus/edit

FimFiction link for other chapters but there not as important as correcting the 1st
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19248/The-Edge-Of-Harmony

OC ponies, Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Applejack

Incomplete

Author: Alazak

-----------EQD pre-reader rejection notice----------

Dear Author:

Unfortunately, I cannot recommend your story for posting at this time.

[List of Issues]

1) Comma mis-use. In the very first sentence of the prologue, you could replace the first comma with the word 'and' and simply remove the second comma altogether. It's rather incorrect as it stands.

2) Capitalization issues.The first sentence of the second paragraph... 'The' should not be capitalized.

3) Flat writing. This is coming across very poorly, and I know it is not your intention. It's reading very flat and isn't pulling me in.

4) Punctuation AND capitalization issues. The first sentence of the third paragraph... not good. Correct: "Hi!" she said. "Hi," she said. Incorrect: "Hi!" She said. "Hi," She said. Don't do this.

5) Apostrophe and comma absent. Second sentence of the fourth paragraph. Comma after 'that', and apostrophe added to leader to make it leader's. This denotes possession and or ownership.

With that the leaders horn lit up as her

6) Absurdly rushed plot. I know a story is being read, but you went from Equestria being decimated by Discord to the wrap-up in only three paragraphs. You might wish to re-write this so that the mother is reading the tail end of the story, and close the part in that fashion.

I'm ending the review now. I'm not even out of the prologue, and it's painfully evident you did not proof-read this.

You are therefore required to take this to Ponychan and request help from the fine folks there.

If you decide to resubmit, then include a link to the review thread.

Please note that this review was terminated early due to the number of errors encountered. As a result, this is not necessarily a comprehensive list of problems your story contains. Ask the reviewers to work with you on the whole thing
---------------------------------------------------------------
So here I am. Ive looked over it and cried when i saw how many errors got past myself and a friend so I was hoping some one that knows what there doing could help.
>> No. 100389
>>98386
>> No. 100397
File 133595987657.jpg - (33.00KB , 274x300 , profile_picture_by_thegreekdollmaker-d4pffiy.jpg )
100397
>>100251

Greetings.

I admit, I was quite sceptical of doing a review of another story, mainly because I have little to no experiance with reviewing. Allas, through, I shall provide comments on plot stracture and grammar, both to help another writer, and to improve my observational skills.

I will post comments on the google docs document. Afterwards, if there is anything to be said, I may post a review post regarding what I thought of the story.

I shall repeat this again. I have little to no reviewing skills or experiance, so please don't take everything I say for granted.

With Regards
TheGreekDollmaker.
>> No. 100398
>>100312
Just a post to acknowledge the review of my story 'She of Gilead' by One who seeks.

Thank you very much for your time and efforts, and i`m looking into correcting the punctuation errors. As for the plot, well... I don't have an excuse for it, but i`ll try harder.

A few side notes, Calla is a prefix, with a meaning similar to village. For example this village's full name is Calla Bryn Sturgis. Bryn is the village name and Sturgis is a nearby river. I left the detail out because the village itself was set to play little to no importance in the story.

Also the inhabitants of Calla Bryn Sturgis are human. I need to work on getting meanings through without being vague.

The song itself is called the rice song, so i replaced the word Calla with song of the rice. That hopefully makes more sense, thanks for pointing that out.

As for the sudden knowledge of what a man is... I`m stumped on that one.

Also, being reviewed by what I think was a khajiit was interesting to say the least.

Again thanks for your time One who seeks.
>> No. 100399
>>100269
Thanks, Pascoite! Take your time. I'm in no rush with this. It's the other things in life I'm having to rush D:.
>> No. 100437
>>100200

Erggg...so many grammatical errors. Still working on the in-doc commentary. Expect a review either late tonight or tomorrow afternoon.
>> No. 100490
Tags: [Normal][Adventure]

Synopsis: Soul Seer, a traveling fortune-teller, has the unique ability to look into a creature's soul. When he sees an unusual spark in a soul in Ponyville, it begins for him a quest to seek out the Elements of Nature, and the secrets behind this legendary power that could change the very land of Equestria.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/23205/Bearers-of-Nature

Comments: The pre-readers at Equestria Daily pointed out these issues:
1) There are several instances of two ponies talking within the same paragraph. This is bad!

2) Capitalization issues. Lower case H for he.

“You certainly do work fast, don’t you?” He said is he recovered from being startled.


3) Word choice issues. 'Is' should probably be 'as'. You do this sort of thing here and there.

“You certainly do work fast, don’t you?” He said is he recovered from being startled.


4) Tense shifting. You move from Present to past tense within a few sentences and then back again.

5) Borderline comma mis-use. This might be -technically- accurate, but it reads really badly.

After grabbing a bite to eat, Soul finds himself outside a large tree, functioning as a building, with a sign depicting an open book hanging near the door.

6) OC pony is venturing into Marty Stu territory. The Mane 6 are liking him right off the bat, and he got invited to stay in the library. Moreover, even though Dash expressed her concern about him looking into her soul, she more or less shrugs it off. He gets an immediate interview with the Princess, and access to the ancient archives?

7) Several formatting burps. Paragraphs and sentences got a bit munched... this could be FIMF formatting at work, but it needs tweakin'.

Note: I have already done some editing based on these suggestions.
>> No. 100492
>>100437
Yeah, will fully admit that grammar is not my strong point. Which, again, is precisely why I get reviews done before trying to publish it anywhere.
>> No. 100527
>>100042

Claiming.

It's short, so a thorough top-to-bottom won't take long. If you're worried about plot conflicts or loopholes, I might not be the best reviewer... I actually didn't hate the season finale.

I'm thinking of seeing a therapist about it.
>> No. 100534
>>100527

Haha, that's fine. Thanks for claiming.
>> No. 100645
File 133602498740.jpg - (267.78KB , 784x1128 , S Memo_04.jpg )
100645
And the thread is autosaging
>> No. 100646
First of all, thank you for your time and effort, Dromer.

Second, I am obligated to apologize for you having to make such corrections.

Third, I'm not sure what the follow-up procedures are. I made my efforts to fix what you commented on, and I suppose that will be that, then. I would like to know, however, if you agree with what my EQD pre-reader said, and if there is anything you can suggest at this point on how to fix that?

Otherwise, thank you again, and I will be casting a far more scrutiny upon Chapter 2 over the next few days, before sending both chapters back into the queue for what I suppose at this point is a fourth opinion.
>> No. 100701
Are we going to make a new thread on account of the auto-sage?
>> No. 100704
>>100701
It's probably being worked on... probably.

maybe later today or tomorrow, not sure though.
>> No. 100754
Tags: [Tragedy][Sad][Adventure][Slice-of-Life]

Synopsis: Two years after the defeat of Nightmare Moon, Twilight and her friends are killed in a tragic accident in Manehattan. They wake up in the afterlife, where they are told that it is not "the great pasture in the sky" as they have imagined it to be, but a place where their lives are explained by five ponies who were in them.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/18U5li5xXIu_8boPjHEOwlHn2AUPZQ51KCD1qQ6-KPUo/edit

Comments: I've already ran this through the thread once before, but I want a second reviewer to look at it. I just want it to be good enough to pass EQD.
>> No. 100775
>>98342
I'd like this to be removed from the queue, please. I'm going to take one more look through this puppy to make sure I fixed all the plot holes, revamp it one more time, submit it to FiMFiction, and then put it back in the queue. Until then, you can just ignore it. Thank you.

Regards,
Conchshellthegeek7
>> No. 100785
>>98276
Hey, do you think that guy should stop writing, because hes going through a real hard time right now.
>> No. 100924
>>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD >>100769 NEW THREAD
>> No. 101004
TITLE: Rainbow Typhoon
AUTHOR: Nonsanity
EMAIL: Add [email protected] and .com to name
TAGS: Adventure, Slice-Of-Life, Light-Shipping

SYNOPSIS: As Equestria is threatened by the unstoppable storm of storms, Rainbow Dash is shaken to the core by one event after another - from the heights of joy to the depths of sorrow - and led upon the hardest adventure of her life: fulfilling her dreams. But in the end, will she still have the strength she needs to save her friends, or will this powerful hurricane break her spirit, crush her hopes, and herald the end of all that she was... and could have been? How far can you push a rainbow?

LINK: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22148/Rainbow-Typhoon

CHAPTERS: all so far
COMMENTS:
This story is written in restricted third person (mainly limited to what the main character experiences) and historical present tense to emphasize the adventure's tension. Shipping-wise, the current chapters don't include much more than the setup for a later romantic connection that may or may not be fully realized before the conclusion of the work, hence "light" shipping. The synopsis can probably use some work - I'm open to suggestions. Aside from that... HAVE AT ME! :)

~ Nonsanity
>> No. 101035
>>101004
see
>>100924
>> No. 101903
File 133669174993.jpg - (129.27KB , 785x1018 , Beyond Her Tomb.jpg )
101903
Synopsis: In a farm town by the name of Marizona, Carrot Top is called to action from an old friend to be a miracle worker when the crops suddenly stop growing. The prejudiced and close-minded townsponies have grown hostile towards strangers -- and even towards themselves -- as a result from months dealing with a food shortage and the financial collapse of their town that is now looming over their heads. Will the orange mare find a solution to save the town? When worse comes to worst, will the friendship with her old friend hold, or will it perhaps grow into something more? Learn about the tale of Carrot Top and how she was able to live beyond her tomb.

Link: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/21943/Beyond-Her-Tomb

Requests: Can I get some help for this story? I sent it to EqD and the pre-reader stated:

-Comma splice
He wasn’t physically tired, it isn’t difficult to move clouds around and stomp on them every once in a while to keep the rain flowing.

-Extraneous words
Tired of all the ponies below insisting the Pegasi to make it rain every single day

-Tense errors
The Earth ponies in his once fairly prosperous town of Marizona just can’t seem to grow their crops anymore.

-Dangling participle phrases
and not exactly being a Las Pegasus hotspot.

-Awkward phrasing
Fights were beginning to become common.
*Why not just "Fights were becoming common."?

-Leading participle phrase should refer to the subject of the sentence
Throwing as many spells as the Unicorns believed would help, not one single bud grew from their magical sparks.

-Mid-dialogue action should be set off with dashes and no commas
“and Stormy,” holding up her right hoof, “back together.”
*"and Stormy"--holding up her right hoof--"back together."
>> No. 104352
Title: Through Friendship and Chaos
Name: goldar
Email: [email protected]
Tags: [shipping][dark][adventure]

Synopsis: "It feels like an eternity now, since I began to write this.
I remember to have a peaceful and happy - although weird - life.
I'm not sure if it is gone now. I just, don't believe we will make it through.
Now, we are finally reaching the end of our journey, the end of all, and I will make them pay for what they have done.
I don’t care who they think they are, I don’t care what kind of power they hold.
I don’t care that they are gods and have the control of an army of undead.
But I just hope, my friends make it through, that we find victory.
Or redemption for that matter.”

Links:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1c3MBpEC2nkQ_qTIJDKsNugFq5smgSLtvAbO0XuDP2TU/edit
>> No. 109448
>>99247
Apologies for the delay on reply I was getting the story run by my editor once more before sending in the application. I'm always logged onto fimfcition so most times Im not really online. This does not excuse my behavior and I have properly submitted my fic to the Que. Good evening and thanks for your time.
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