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98978 No. 98978
#Reviewer #Shipping
Hello, everypony! I am Baron Von Clop, and welcome to Ponychan's Equestrian Postal Service branch!

This is a review thread! As the name implies, however, I review ONLY shipping stories!

I'm kind of a sucker for them. Can't help it.

I do have a few rules, however:

1. All stories must contain a main character of your story being shipped. If your story contains grimdark, comedy, etc., alongside the shipping, that's fine, but there has to be shipping somewhere.

2. 10K word limit. More than that and I will just start repeating myself. 10K words is plenty to see what your weak/strong points are and for me to review them.

3. No excessive gore, no clop. Fetishes are fine, however. Have a transgender story? Fat ponies (yes plz)? Saddles? Trees? Whatever! I don't care! As long as it doesn't violate Ponychan rules, I'll review it.

4. All stories must be in Google Docs, with commenting powers given to [email protected] If I can't comment, I can't review, which means your story gets skipped and will need to be resubmitted.

5. I am not perfect. I will probably make mistakes. If you feel that I am wrong about something, you are very, very encouraged to bring it up and discuss it. I don't bite!

I try my best to get one review a day out. However, my work schedule is fairly hectic, so no promises.



And that's all there is to it, hurray! If you're ready to submit, here are the relevant links:


SUBMISSION FORM: tinyurl.com/USPSSubmit

CURRENT QUEUE: http://tinyurl.com/USPSQueue

Please post all of the same information (Title, author, link, etc) in this thread as well. In addition, please post your synopsis here - as you can see, there's nowhere for it on the form!
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 99026
I think you meant "r63" story, not transgender story. Transgender isn't a fetish.
>> No. 99027
>>99026
Everything is a fetish to someone.
>> No. 99156
>>99026

Fair enough, I guess the more appropriate term would be "gender swapping"? Either way, point gets across.
>> No. 99877
Added to the queue! Hopefully you can help me out, I've already been turned aside for an old issue of mine, too much tell, not enough show. Frankly I think it's a matter of opinion, and I prefer to read tell over show myself, but the world doesn't dance to my beat. Please take a gander and see what you can see, with emphasis on the show vs tell.
>> No. 99894
>>99877

Ahh! Finally, a submission! Going to go and get started on this right now.
>> No. 100587
>>99894

Hey mate, how's it going? Almost done?
>> No. 100697
>>100587

Yep, sorry about that! Work caught up for me for a bit here. Will be finished today.
>> No. 100736
You're pretty good about the show vs. tell, from what I saw. There are a few places where you could do better, though, which I outlined in the document. You seem to do it mostly with emotions. Try to avoid adverbs and instead give us descriptions.

A bigger issue I see with a lot of your writing is repetition. Several times in the first two pages alone, you use the same word multiple times in the same paragraph - even in the same sentence. Always be careful of that. If you ever see the same descriptive word being used so close, break out a thesaurus and find another word (but, of course, make sure you know how to use the new word).

You abuse the FUCK out of elpises, to be honest. You really use a lot of them. It isn't so bad in dialogue, but you constantly use them in descriptions too. Highly suggest cutting back on those.

Honestly, though, this is a pretty solid story. There isn't much else I can tell you in this post - all the other problems I had are outlined in the document that you gave me.

Good job!

If you have questions, feel free to respond in the comments on the doc or post here.
>> No. 100872
>>100736

Done and dusted! Thank you so much for the help mate. I've just been through the Gdoc, fixing up everything, taking all your advice on board.

Repetition is an issue of mine because I write in small bursts, bits here and there, and it can slip past me that the sentence I finished three hours ago has the same word as the next one that I only just wrote. I suppose I'll have to keep a closer eye on it when I do my read-throughs.

As for ellipsis, I like to justify that by saying that awkward, stumbling romance like what these two have at times is punctuated by uncomfortable silences and half finished sentences, so ellipsis are incredibly useful. But you say I use them a lot in description, so I'll have to keep a closer eye on that.

And that's about the long and short of it! Thank you again, and to the submission queue I go! I'll make sure to mention you!
>> No. 100905
>>100736
>elpises
It's "ellipses". Carry on; that is all.
>> No. 100935
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100935
>>100905
>"ellipses".
It's "ellipses." Carry on; that is all.
>> No. 100944
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100944
>>100905
>>100935
Both are viable options and are dependent on region.
http://youtu.be/u4ZgVRJ-H8U
>> No. 100982
Don't make me turn this thread around.

I'LL DO IT.
>> No. 104940
Added to the queue. If you choose to review mine, thank you so much for the time you took to review it. :) All comments are appreciated.
>> No. 104943
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104943
>>104940
Why did you bump this? Your post doesn't make any sense.
>> No. 104944
>>104943
It's a review thread. I told him I added to the review. At least, if this site works.
>> No. 104946
>>104944
Or, rather, added my fic to be reviewed.
>> No. 106161
Okay, so I'm working on a Big Macintosh// Fluttershy story, titled "Caring for a Certain Stallion". I've gotten 2 chapters written, though I've only transferred 1 to Google Docs as of yet. I set you (Baron Von Clop) to be able to edit the story, which I'm pretty sure means you can comment on it too... Anyway, I'm going to put a link to it on here... and if I'm doing it wrong, please tell me so.
>> No. 106162
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1aSfxCU43KuWGxZl2CTauyqT4_X7uOr-8yvjTuom2bNI/edit
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