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99999 No. 99999
#Reviewer #Discussion #Advice
Greetings, please enter into this link for complete information: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ol5C4f3pACxaXQCsXl3Vf0m4i7SF1dqA23CaboBo39E/edit

Now that is settled, this thread shall be a little different than my previous thread for two reasons: I will be expanding to other sorts of assistance (including planning, answering questions regarding language, and similar activities) rather than just reviewing, something which I have already done in a more or less low-key fashion, so for the sake of fairness I will extend that offer to everyone; additionally, I will also be adding a new mechanic to the review process which involves trading time for your efforts, namely as part of you reviewing a story within this thread in exchange for a shorter review time from me, with the greater details explaining it in the post just after this one.

So, a couple of rules, which we are so fond of:
1.) Keep everything here respectful an in topic. I do not appreciate derails of any kind within this thread and I will ask you kindly to not contribute, regardless of the circumstances.
2.) Please read the document above as it will contain all the rules regarding each of the post and activities, but it can be summarize into this: unless it is a request of a review, a review, a response to said review, a long answer to a question, some commentary as a whole, or some sort of announcement, it has no business here and should be deferred to the document in the link.
3.) Do not take the rules and formalism as some sort of barrier of fun and games, it’s just a manner to keep everything organize and tidy, while making it easier to handle as the thread grows increasingly larger. The rules on their own are relatively lax, more guidelines than anything else, but I do ask you keep them in mind.

I would also like to request:

-Enjoy yourself, here and across the board. There is no point to anything you do here if you do not enjoy yourself.

-Help others with whatever little you know outside of this thread and ask them to help others as well, just be realistic about how correct you are and do try to research if you can't answer.

-The Training Grounds doesn't need sign-up, just join in and do your best to give them a good review.

-Read. Read every day. Read books you like. Read books you don’t like. Read about subjects that unnerve you, read about subject that enchant you, read about subjects that cloy you. In general, just read as much and as widely as you can.

-Write. Write every day. Write things you like. Write things you don’t like. Write about subjects that bother you, write about subjects that enthrall you, write about subjects that seduce you. In general, just write as much and as variedly as you can.

And with that, this thread is off.
Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 100002
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>I thought, perhaps, an explanation is in order.

I can normally process stories at a rate of five-thousand words an hour. Generally speaking, I do reviews in between other activities, due to the fact I have always said reviewing is a sort of side act which I do, much like people doing crossword puzzles and Sudoku. Combined these two, I normally end up with a far smaller rate than this (discounting of course stoppages due to work, sickness, or just technological failure, which make it plummet further). Now, this means I could finish most stories in a single day of “work” of a couple of hours, on a good Sunday afternoon while drinking some tea and talking with whoever is present. Sadly, I have no incentive to do this as I might as well be reading a good book, debating fully rather than small-talking, or enjoying some sort of meal which would make unable to touch paper (I refuse to leave any sort of smudges in paper).

But there is one thing that would make me feel the incentive to do so: reviewing. The act of reading and analyzing a story to offer how we would make it better is an activity which everyone should do because there is no real science to it, and everyone with a grasp of the English language should be able to tell another person “I didn’t like this and that of your story, so you should change this so it fits better with that cool thing you did over there.” I have said it before, and I will say it again, what I do is nothing special; anyone can give out a useful review as long as they just think and try to make sure the information they give would be useful for them too, and in the plus side learn a thing or two about why things are what they are so. Therefore, I am offering to sit down to review rather than snippets every so often as I usually do to the people who show efforts in improving their writing, which of course will mean a far shorter wait time for useful

This, of course, won’t mean I won’t be doing my own review, but rather I want people to get the hang of actually reviewing and how it helps them improve. I do not want people to compare my reviews to their own as my reviews as this a pointless exercise when two people have differing ways of seeing words. I will ask, however, the writers acknowledge these reviews and respond to them for the person to know what the reader thinks of their review.

So how will this work? In a perfect world, this will be the steps:

1.) You will choose a story in my queue to review and then proceed into the linked document to leave a comment there notifying me of this. Please do not post saying you are going to review it in here.

2.) You will do your best effort and produce a useful review for the other person, posting it in the thread.

3.) I shall read your review and send you through email my thoughts of your review, and what I consider wrong or simply shortsighted. If I consider that your review was good enough, your story will be marked in the queue and you shall receive my full attention when that time comes around.

4.) Repeat at leisure.

More things are involved, but they are located within the linked document, under the review section, please do go read it when it goes up. Hope this will be helpful, learn a bit about English, and use this.
>> No. 100003
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It is late, I shall continue posting tomorrow. Good night.
>> No. 100004
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Greetings Samurai, and welcome back to /fic/!

As you've offered your services for reviewing, I would like to offer a story of mine for you to review.

Title: Schweigen ist Folter

Synopsis: In short, it's a story about two male griffins who slowly come to the realization that they love one another romantically.

More specifically, it begins with a fairly young griffin's night-time tribulation over how he loves his friend, yet he can't tell him. Eventually, the tables get turned when the younger character accidentally confesses to his friend, who then eventually realizes he feels the same way.

Link: http://goo.gl/gqTPY

So far, I have only given this to four main prereaders: Vimbert, Demetrius, Garnot, and Filler.

Vimbert liked it, save for some phrasing / grammar he helped me to clean up. It was fixed on the spot.

Demetrius liked it, save for what used to be a lot of inner monologue without much real action on the characters' parts.

Garnot liked the quality of the story, but he said that it was bogged down with both rushed pacing on the fist half (which removed some empathy with the first character) and "unnecessary prose" on the second half.

I addressed both Demetrius' and Garnot's reviews by tying all thoughts to tangible actions that were important to life within the tribe that the two griffins live in. I also expanded upon the original walk through the forest, so that the first main character had a lot longer of alone time to dwell on his self-loathing/disgust.

Filler brought up some interesting critiques that I haven't been able to address yet, but not due to lack of effort: I'm actually mildly stumped, personally, on how to go about addressing them. His two critiques are that: the reciprocated love of Stephen for Gerard seems forced, and that the ending is rushed. I have several ideas about how I'm going to expand on the ending, but I would like to hear any ideas or suggestions you have.

So, in short, I hope you enjoy this story (as much as you let yourself enjoy things you critically evaluate, of course), and I apologize if the content of this story offends you.
>> No. 100029
A Question of Sacrifice
(Prologue and a fraction of the first chapter)

The Griffons make a shock move by electing a new face to the head of state, and he immediately sets his nation on the war path with the juggernaut, Equestria. What can be done to avoid all out war with Equestria's large, technologically advanced neighbor? Who will rise to make the Ultimate sacrifice?

Link : https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zNvkgj_Tno_qHKTEKWCfLxWizBxOVhiHoFxyh-IB0-g/edit
>> No. 100037
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Nice numbers!

I'll make sure to check some things out over here, just... after my exams are done.

Maybe I'll post some stuff too, when I get it done!

>> No. 100383
/fic/ hasn't felt quite right in your absence. Good to have you back.
>> No. 101218
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TL:DR: Main thing, writing wise, is your commas, particularly when making sentence and dialogue (which there we many instances of being done wrong, but it looks more like carelessness rather than ignorance). I want to suggest you do a little bit or reorganization of the text for both ease of reading and more compact message, right now the text stutters rather than flows, so I’ll comment on paragraphs and on your current breaks. Story wise, I hated your beginning, I greatly disliked your sudden introduction of some elements, I want to make a note about originality, and in general just state how the concept is solid and generally well written (despite my objections).

Greetings, welcome to your review Dublio, I can only hope you find something helpful. As always, let us begin with the written portion, shall we?

The very first thing I want to deal with is your dialogue punctuation, or rather your carelessness with it. This is but a small sample of all the errors in dialogue I found, with just the general families of errors in each. Please keep this in mind and check them in this in all future works.

>“Wow. My hero.” A voice Said from behind Derpy.
If I were an alien who just acquired the basic rules of the purpose of the comma and quotations, I would wonder what the voice said and who said that just before a voice said something. It doesn’t matter if one doesn’t know who spoke, all dialogue is either attributed or free hanging. You cannot use a description of dialogue in this manner, because this is not a description of the dialogue but rather an action of said dialogue that, by the normal rules of dialogues, must be joined to the speech-verb in other for them to actually make sense. Right now, and in mnay other occasions, you are making the voice not be connected to the dialogue and thus it is a mistake. I suggest you revise this and make sure that, if you are making someone say something, it is connected by a comma to the saying verb. In other words, write it like this and all similar ones: “Wow. My hero,” a voice said from behind Derpy.

>”I’m not so sure.” Bon-Bon said, tilting her head.
This, multiple times, across the whole text, where nothing short of carelessness can be said to be the culprit. You know the rules of dialogue, you did it correctly multiple times, but here I found various mistakes with a hit and miss routine which should not occur. Be careful with your dialogues, if not attributed properly you can, and most likely will, confuse your reader. At the end, you already know this, but you simply didn’t carry it out, put a bit more attention to this and it will come naturally.

Additionally, I leave you with this sentence:
> Now encased with flour, she shook herself vigorously, like a dog until all of the offending substance dispersed.

There is something very, very, very, very wrong with the commas and clauses here (and this isn’t the only one). There are currently six ways I can imagine fixing this, but all of them have different connotations and I can’t seriously attempt to fix it that considered. So, read this again, slowly, and you should noticed what I speak of and then fix this and its brethren. If not, feel free to ask.

Now, there are two issues I want to deal with which aren’t actual corrections but rather some opinions about writing and how they should work. Feel free to listen or to ignore them, but I rather mention them right away. So now, onward:

>"Okay, two eggs." Carrot Top picked up both of the eggs and held them over the counter. She gently cracked them open before pouring them into the mixing bowl. As she read the cookbook, she flung the eggshells into the trashcan.

Punctuation marks, paragraphs, and all major separations in language have a similar origin: speech. Whenever we speak to someone, the emphasis, the tone, and the lengthening or shortening of phrases, words, or mere onomatopoeias arise naturally from the rate which they are spoken. Why does this matter? Because the control of how actions are perceived by one person or another connects directly to how we organize them in text and the timing between them will be guided by those. If we are not careful with these, the actions lose the message we are trying to convey. I take this particular example (would add the section which follows it as well) because it shows this in one of the clearest manners possible. The paragraph is a self-contain unit that attempts to make a single thing out of various smaller concepts (the sentences) and thus will not necessarily make things concurrent, but unless you do something about it the whole set of actions will be seen as a sequence and the notion of internal time of the reader will be based upon this. This considered, look at the example; I want you to notice how the dialogue, despite not having any sort of direct connector involve with the action, because of the current position of that dialogue the action between the two has little option but to be done in haste with whatever happened before. It might seem odd that such thing would happen (shouldn’t readers be intelligent enough to figure that there is a pause?) but sadly the reader has only your written queues to know how and what is going to develop. Knowing the source of this story, and the way they were expressed there, the spoken section isn’t part of the sequence that it forms part of in this example but rather it is its own distinct action. Paragraphs, the linking tools they are, makes that dialogue not be a distinct action. Thus, separating it into paragraphs is most likely the best you can do to deliver the necessary sense of pause that is required. As always, this isn’t the only place where this same issue was seen (a longer pause than the one implied was probably needed) so be in the lookout and try to make sure the proper pauses (and paragraph separations they imply) are in their proper place.

Right on its heels, we have this:
"Be careful. Don't let her innocent looks fool you. She'll do anything to get them. Despite what you may think, she's a clever pony." Slipping on her coat, Carrot Top headed towards the backdoor. "I'm serious. Don't let your guard down, not even for a second." Carrot Top glared at Derpy one last time before trotting out the door.

"How hard could it be?" Lyra asked, shrugging. “If we work together, it’ll be as easy as pie.”

"I'm not so sure." Bon-Bon said, tilting her head.

Lyra walked over and smelled the muffins. "Wow, these smell delicious. No wonder Derpy keeps going crazy over them." As Lyra and Bon-Bon waited for Carrot Top to get back, they prepared for Derpy to make the first move.


Carrot Top did her best to leave quietly, not wanting Derpy to know she left. She even went so far as to leave through the back door. As she walked outside, she tripped and flew face-first into a tree, causing a cluster of pinecones to rain down upon her. She got up and brushed herself off, but when she tried to take another step, she stepped on a particularly jagged pinecone.

Now, do remember my eternal warning that all my examples are but one in a group of them, as my aim is to let you see them and then make you find them so that you actually can identify them without having me on your neck all the time trying to tell you why it is wrong. There are others like this and I want you to keep this in mind as you read with the question: is this seriously needed? The question has quite a lot of importance in this context, because right here we have sixty-six words that do nothing to advance the plot, further characterization, or deliver a joke. Now, for the sake of it, imagine we eliminate those words and just continue as from that point without any pause of any kind. Does it still make sense? Does the sequence advance the plot? Does the focus keep on a character long enough for us to care? Will it make for a stronger narrative? In my mind, the answer to all of these is yes, the elimination of that section and the joining of those two into a longer and far more solid one fulfills all of those, which are generally positives things one should be aiming for. What’s the theory behind it however? For starters, writing must not contain anything superfluous, meaning that those words have their first strike against them from a mere writing perspective. Secondly, flow of a story depends upon the ability of the different sections of a story to follow each other without pause, which ever pauses do exist not seriously hampering with the ability of a story to follow logically. This means that, if possible, all sequences must follow each other rather than zig-zag their way back and forth without a good reason because otherwise the rhythm (and the flow that comes with said rhythm) will be lost to repetition, backtracking, and just outright stuttering on which nothing happens in a particular scene. Other issues will vary with the purpose of each scene, but the general rules behind keeping a clean narrative go with those two above, and you want a clean narrative for your story to be understood. Play around with this, try to join as many section as you can if you feel it will make the narrative stronger, and above all make sure there is nothing superfluous to the story as they will inevitably bring it down with weight.

Let us talk about story, and there are three things I want to touch upon: originality, the need of a making a beginning which delivers the whole background and the folly of thinking a person will know, and some leaps of logic which I personally wasn’t too willing to make. In my traditional matter, I employ your largesse and ask you to dive in.

Let us be frank: this isn’t something new. As a matter of fact, I just had to read the very beginning in order to know where you had taken this from and knew from that instance I would be enjoying myself. I enjoyed myself then, I enjoyed myself here, and there was very little that could go wrong as long as you didn’t try to get too off the formula, which didn’t occur of course and thus everything more or less fell into its right place. Why do I bring this up? Because the question of “why should I bother reading your story if I can have the original instead in a far shorter amount of time?” does crop up, and it crops up because it is in fact a valid question that you must justify to the reader as to why is this the best usage of his time. People will most likely speak of lack of originality, they will make fuss about how you didn’t add anything to the formula, and they will mostly be the first one to say, “This is just cut and paste of x.” I wanted to use this paragraph at least to say bollocks, what you have written is no less original than all the Greek dramatist works which were little more than rehash of multiple plays and myths which they wrote to their image, to their impressions of what a work should be. That, I found here, that voice which is utter unequivocally when a person decides to make an idea his own, was what I enjoyed the most, because it didn’t feel like some sort of bad exchange, you actually took the time to make sure that the ones presented belong where they did and I will only praise you for it. True originality in writing comes only in shape of what voice you give to your characters and how you construct the world (which includes past history, interpersonal relation, etc.) which the characters interact; the words “all stories have been told” is not just a catchphrase, tell me a story and I will find you a book that has dealt with it before, a myth which has tried to explain it one way or another, or a local legend which uses it as its motive force. And if there is any doubt, look up “El Brujo Postergado” and “Lo que sucedió a un deán de Santiago con don Illán, el mago de Toledo”, in English if Spanish is not your strong point or simply read the Canterbury Tales and then the Il Decameron (in English, for the same reason as above), and many other examples too.
>> No. 101220
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However, all that being said, story wise, nothing could have grated me further than the odd appearance of sudden elements and the less than stellar beginning. It has come to my attention that many people see the beginning of the stories within fanction as just a section more, something which should just have enough oomph to lull the person into continuing reading. Whatever made people think that fanfiction was excluded from making a proper introduction into the world that you are dealing with is beyond me, because fanfiction is no more special (or less valuable) than normal fiction. This means that you are required to follow all the normal rules and traditions, and a particular one is the one that if you are to grab a book anyone should be able to read it without needing to know a particular set of information, because inaccessible book or story is a worthless story. Now, this particular story suffer from a very unsolid beginning, and more than just so, it suffer from an unexplained beginning, a setting-less beginning, an amorphous place that the imagination can run wild and free from all sorts of limitations which would normally guide a story. In fact, the only reason why I didn’t imagine this occurring in, say, Toledo, is because I have previous knowledge which makes me assume this occurs in Ponyville without any real proof one way or another. For all the story is concerned, this occurred in Flaxville, just ten kilometers from Ponyville, a place which was later abandoned due to an invasion of termites and all of these occurred before the storyline we all know (and some love). It’s not only that we don’t have a set place a single mention of Ponyville trying to hold down that fort is hardly what I would call solid but all the interaction of the characters are also left into the air where you, for whoever is just reading this story, to wonder why two strangers suddenly decided that going to protect muffins would be a good use of their non-allocated time. Again, know a little of the characters and you know why they did this, but a story cannot exist hoping people know why things are where they are, they are called plot holes for a reason in that regard.

This extends further, and further, and further, and further, until the hypothetical I which knows nothing of the show, knows something about writing, and has a grudge to keep against bad literature would be typing a much longer rant than this one about your terrible set up for everything. Emulation, adaptation, and imitation in this situation do fail the originality test, because you are using the very same beginning for no other reason other than, well, having the same beginning, and that troubles me because an otherwise settled story starts with the wrong foot and hopes to keep going forward. So what is to be done, if my advice has any weight to it? Simply put, you must give this a new beginning that gives us the setting for this whole thing to make sense without requiring so much information a priori before you can actually enjoy it. Before I mention my suggestion, let me also mention that I found the sudden arrival of Angel to be a bit too… convenient? Misconstrued? Badly build to? Angel is but one of such leaps of logic I want to mention in a moment, but for the sake of brevity yes, brevity let us just stick with the fact that suddenly throwing in an element like that was something not even the original did and if it were within my power, I would turn down a story for something like that as it goes against all notions of plot construction (where a solution must be previously mentioned and anything new must be first introduced). All this said, the fact is that there isn’t a requirement for some extensive rewrite of the story, because there is no need for such a thing. You just need to make sure that everything is getting framed right, like so, making a spiral towards the kitchen. Begin with Ponyville as a whole, getting closer to the woods around the houses and the inhabitants both (and mentioning a particularly hungry rabbit which is roaming around, and other assorted animals); lead into the house and speak of Derpy’s and Carrot’s life together by means of the objects, touching down on the kitchen just were you started, making sure the bunny is cued, the setting is set, the characters are established and the mood begins to speak up. All of that above is nothing more than a paragraph or two, a small addition that would do wonders to make sure people knew what was going on. Similarly, the rest of the story needs just these little additions to make sure that anyone could enjoy it, the more obvious one being why didn’t you call Bon-Bon and Lyra Carrot Top’s friends (and actually had them speak to recognize said fact before going into the subject of Derpy and the cupcakes) rather than just assuming the reader would know. A good story should not require the reader to be thinking “oh, that happened because in this other story/program/famous discussion X that occurred and that is why that makes sense” because a good deal of people won’t know and that will inevitably lead confusion and make people not enjoy a story for no good reason.

A brief warning and observation about what I just wrote: notice that the only elements I brought up where those that had influence in the plot and how it would have developed. There is no need to bring up details that do not pertain to the story (for example, Derpy’s past as a lion tamer, or Carrot Top’s adventures as a tomb raider) or bring about long explanations about things which do not matter. The setting is important because it defines to people how and why the actions occur (where they in a city, the places Carrot Top would go and work on would differ quite a lot for example), the relationships are important because they tell us the reasoning behind one characters actions against another (a Carrot Top living with Derpy for a day would differ greatly from one living with her just a month) and introducing elements which might be important in the future in a way that are easy to recall later on (Angel, the hungry bunny, because trying to introduce him later on in the middle of the story would be even more odd than him suddenly appearing and act like terrible foreshadowing). The addition of information should ask the question: had it been different would it significantly affect the plot rather than the direction? If the answer to this is yes, chances are that you need to describe it, even if just a small line, so that the whole story is internally consistent and extending that to Bon-Bon and Lyra, jutting them in the introduction would be jarring because the idea is to focus the beginning on Carrot Top, but their own introduction follows similar rules, which is why establishing they are her friends other than with the fact they would guard cupcakes becomes so important. If I have not been clear, feel free to ask.

Now, finally, this is where I make myself finicky with the whole story: who consumed all the raw materials without Carrot Top noticing (and furthermore, all the food in general if Derpy only aims for cupcakes)? Angel out of nowhere? Bright Eyes, the magician (granted, I did find this funny)? There a couple of other things, but let us just focus on these three because I feel they exemplify best the errors I speak of. Angel I have already mentioned; it is an element with little to no introduction that seems to be pulled out of a bag to solve/bring resolution to/sidestep the conflict in a manner which is funny (and I can only presume that was the aim of this) but felt too contrived without the necessary mental gymnastics to explain why was Angel suddenly there. As mentioned before, I already gave an example of how to cue his existence, but at the end the whole point is that if he will resolve something he must come from somewhere which is said explicitly (in other words, he introduced). Bright Eyes is another element that I found odd, not because it was relatively unexplained (at this point, I am still on the process of figuring out what exactly is it referencing to other than the alternative name of the gray mare), but rather because it is ultimately pointless as I didn’t see it interact in any way with the rest of the story. Despite my personal enjoyment of how silly a mustachioed pony doppelganger would look, the fact it doesn’t actually affect the rest of the plot bothers me, because it means you could cut this out without an issue and that generally makes for a weak story, so I suggest you take a good look at that and try to conjoin it somehow (personal advice would be to make a sequence where both Bright Eyes and false Carrot Top are in at the same place and shenanigans ensue from that double-crossing, but take that lightly).

Lastly, there is the reason for the first outing, and how it works with the rest of the story. In many ways, I can understand why this must occur, for without a reason to leave the house, the first time then there would be no reason for the duo to come in, and then there is no story. Question becomes this: is it a good enough explanation? We have seen Derpy eat the cupcake mix, and saying she would have eaten the cupcakes in question isn’t far-fetched or detrimental (she does, after all, apparently dig a hole to reach cupcakes on a previous occasion) but what about the rest of the food and supplies? There has been a single time in my life which I remember having to see a bare pantry (I do not recall a refrigerator) and that was due to lack of money. In this case, apparently Carrot Top does this in a regular basis, so she would be aware of how much supplies she had and would try to make sure she never ran low (even more so if she runs this as a business). To be frank, I couldn’t really appreciate that section because it doesn’t really make sense for that to have happened, unless Derpy enjoys eating raw ingredients and hates her bowel movement with a passion. Without the first outing, the story doesn’t make sense, and in my mind there is good reason to believe that this doesn’t make sense. Keep an eye open for these sort of things, because someone will arrive to this point, wonder if he should continue reading, and perhaps stop and go somewhere else. The logic of a story, not matter how crooked might the physics be, is the essential glue which keeps people reading your story, so you must make sure you can make sense of things like this. A simple suggestion/solution? Make Derpy a literal tornado once the mix gets everywhere, making the kitchen turn into a disaster zone as the fridge and the pantries open and she gets her price (both the mix and the cupcakes inside the fridge) and ruins everything else that would be needed (raw eggs, raw butter, etc.) so that Carrot Top is forced to go out. Add a little detail of how all the equipment is nailed into place because this has happened before and you get a solid base of why the need for caretakers, the first outing, and just in general everything that happens in the story. Notice what I did, how I tried to find logical problems with the story and then developed solutions which use only elements which are present there already in other to bring a more realistic (and hopefully funny) scenario as to make the story stronger. Use that in the future, make sure that everything you plan actually make sense in the context and work from there.

And that’s all I got, hope this was helpful.
>> No. 101240
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TL;DR: Very clean writing, so much so I didn’t see anything systemic. Story wise, the main thing I have is that there seems to be no motive force for the things to occur just quite the way that they did, with some scene having a reason for being there, but yet feeling they didn’t have quite enough to grapple them together. This leads the ending to feel odd, the reciprocation to not quite pluck the right chords and the whole story feel like it is missing something. Needless to say, that just means something has to be added.

Greetings, welcome to your review, as you will notice this is quite short (perhaps too short), but let it be just a reflection on the fact that you have done quite a good job in writing this whole thing. Now, onwards.

Systemic is a word I normally use to describe problems that repeat themselves endlessly, showing either ignorance or unwillingness to revise, either which is a terrible thing. However, no matter the level, all written works contain one sort of error or another which are caused by small lapses of attention which do nothing to actually diminish the value of the story. In this case, congratulations, all the things I found are minor and unimportant and would most likely need only for a fast revision by yourself or another person in other to clear them up. All in all, a very cleanly done writing.

The storyline on the other hand brings me to two issues that I am currently dealing with: motivation and connection. For a story to occur, there must be something moving the characters to do said actions and then act upon them; this is an invarablie part of all stories, as actions rather than conflict is what makes people stay and watch. Your story can have the greatest conflict of all times, one that screams to the deepest fiber of the human soul, but without the actions to take it somewhere, you are basically left with a description, and event, and a oddly made segue. I bring this all up because, at the time, the actions in the more meta-aspects of them are not wrong by any chance, they are actually logical to the extent that they can be and they represent and join themselves in such a way to tell the story. The issue is that many of the conclusions and events that do occur for that to happen simply seem to be taken out of the thin air and then deployed for the development of the story. In other words, I have yet to see motivation towards any of the particular cases. Just for the more obvious example of reasons for motivations, let us for now stick to Stephen, from who most of the conflict stems from.

Stephen gets five scenes of action on which he is the center of attention and the source of the emotions, tone, and just the general story that we are reading. In many ways, this story is much less about Gerard, whose conflict has already been established and it just being extended by the fact Stephen rejects, then accepts, then acts upon his desires, but rather about how Stephen deals with his motivations and his own feelings. So a little recap of each scene: rejection and self-doubt, acceptance of self and concerns about actions, fear and avoidance, elucidation and galvanization, and finally conclusion and happiness. I bring this up because it is important to notice how each of these make sense in a sequence; had this been presented to me as an outline I wouldn’t have any issue with it, because it just works, this is a logical progression. But then one must wonder, in terms of story, if it’s actually supported for such changes to occur. The first scene we have of Stephen is one of complete denial, one where he hopes that keeping away from Gerard will resolve the situation (in addition to the fact he was planning on leaving before hand) which seems very fitting when death is the prime deterrent even if he does not want to participate; then, Stephen changes, and Stephen changes into a begrudging acceptance of who he is and what he wants out of his relationship with Gerard but knows that it is for the best it doesn’t occur. Fair point, I can accept than in a character who sees breeding with females as some sort of pointless duty rather than an actual love interest to suddenly realize why he feels more comfortable around this particular character, but the issue is why he got there. Was internal conflict breaking him apart in such a way that romantic feelings where what flared up? Why did this occur? When this occur (ignoring the obvious answer of between scenes)? I can answer the first one with a yes, yes it is because we get a recognition of that in the very section, but context of how this occurred is thoroughly lacking and means that we are suddenly faced with a change I do not feel natural. Basically said, there is no real bridge between these two positions as the first scene doesn’t really want to bend to that implication. There is no reading of self-doubt, just a real concern that this is wrong without allowing for the question “and what do I think?” which will ultematluy push towards the actions we see. The scene of the snow? Great characterization, but motive force for this to occur isn’t quite dealt with as deeply as it should. In the previous scenes we should have dealt with self-doubt, we should have dealt with a far more tangible sense of futility that he attaches to females, we should have had Stephen acquiring pieces of a puzzle rather than leveling up in his connection in the relationship. Is loving him worth death? The answer is obvious to him since the beginning, but he doesn’t know if that is even possible. Is loving him wrong? He knows the answer since the beginning, but he can’t correlate that to the first point, which is what is breaking him apart and thus leading to his actions and own pain. Such points need to arise from something, something needs to push him from looking at Gerard as a misguided individual and make him see how he is being hypocritical, but more importantly how he needs/wants/fears for this relationships as much as he does.

The issue also comes about in the nature that things connect themselves and thus leading to how we perceive motivation for the characters. Let us return a second to the snow scene, because I personally found it to be a great one, as it shows both the nature of Stephen faced with something which shows something about life he had not considered. Hollowness meets beauty and asks if the world is worth those ephemeral moments that bring joy. Stephen finds no joy in the idea of females because they remind him of the inevitable death that hands above them all, the dead end that his race is curse to get extinct in. But if it so inevitable, the destruction, why is it so beautiful? Close scene, motivation is dealt with (in this particular action, not in the more open space), the character advances and death becomes but the end of something that was beautiful until then. It meshing, however. As it stands we are more or less rushing into it, and many of the other scenes are suffering from this same problem. Stories are made up of chains of events, each of them independent but ultimately connected to each other and dependent upon each other to make sure that they work. Right now, the feeling that these are snippets into some larger story is something which I cannot remove (not only because they are snippets, but that’s not the point) and it is because there doesn’t seem to be a focus point which carries on the stories together. Like a series of short stories which deal with the same matter, they are connected, but not necessarily close enough. For that, I suggest you use a totem.

A totem, as I call them, is nothing more than a recurring object which carries the implications of the story and reminds people as to what they are dealing with. It can be anything, as long as you can pin-point it and immediately related to the storyline. A scar which connects present and future, a letter which carries the message of the lover, even a piece of wood whose only purpose is to show authority, all of these are story totems which carry on their own meaning and the conflict which makes them arise. Using totems (not a real literary term, but bear with ignorant me) thus becomes an good way to glue things together, to make things flow unto each other in a natural fashion rather than abruptly being brought into being. Additionally, totems can also become motive forces on their own account, pushing issue back and back into the forefront as its existence more or less states “here is thee conflict, solve it”. Amongst the best examples of story totems, MacGuffins come to mind, and they should provide you a frame work of how to use them.

Personally, I consider the usage of Gretchen to perhaps be a useful manner from which to expand upon the conflict, as she can act as a proxy for Gerard and enable the question “do you care about him?” and “how are you going to solve this, and what is this anyway?” to have front seat. Granted, I am not one to see Gretchen care much for his brother if previous stories are considered (to that point, establishing the exact nature of their relationship will not dock you points) but the fact she bother herself to ask Stephen to deal with the situation with her brother arises in me the possibility between she and Markus, you could have Stephen quickly having a motive force in order to ask the questions he has, but more importantly have a sort of connection to all scene (I played with the idea of Gretchen actually being the first to disturb the snow, but I am not quite certain how plausible that would be; still, food for thought they say) which will carry out story in a logical manner. All this aims is for there to be something outside which you can keep referencing to in order for the reader to be able to do so as well. Readers need this because they expect a certain level of consistency and progression. You have the progression, I have admitted as much throughout the text, now give them something they can grapple upon as they advance into the mind of a gay gryphon facing death over love.

And that’s all I got, I hope it was helpful, feel free to ask questions.
>> No. 101252
As a reminder. If anyone happens to have a question, or request of aid, they believe I could answer, feel free to join me at the google document, or if I'm not present, leave a comment in the respective place.
>> No. 101261
File 133633785922.jpg - (163.52KB , 920x598 , Why I Revise.jpg )
Review acknowledged, and I thank you.

However, I do have a few comments and clarifications:

>rejection and self-doubt; acceptance of self and concerns about actions; fear and avoidance; elucidation and galvanization; conclusion and happiness.
Did you get these out of order, or did I have a lot of overlap between the various scenes? I can see the pairing between:
rejection/self-doubt | hiding away and avoiding
acceptance/concerns | wood-gathering scene
eludication (but not galvanization) | snowfall
conclusion/happiness | the end

But if anything, "fear and avoidance" is a fairly constant emotion / action for Stephen, so I wouldn't quite pin that on the feast scene. If anything, that scene was an attempt to show that Stephen's in denial in spite of himself; i.e., "they're back to normal," and how hollow that feels for the both of them.

Then again, I've probably got to add that to the "list of things I need to fix in this story."

>Was internal conflict breaking him apart in such a way that romantic feelings were what flared up?
Not necessarily...
>When this occur (ignoring the obvious answer of between scenes)? >Why did this occur?
Again, something that I need to flesh out, but what I was going for was "I have no stake here," then suddenly getting thrown a wrench with the prospect of love. One that's so strange and taboo as to be a shock, one that leaves Stephen confused as to its source, and eventually, confused to why he isn't as opposed to it as he "ought to be."

>Right now, the feeling that these are snippets into some larger story is something which I cannot remove (not only because they are snippets, but that’s not the point) and it is because there doesn’t seem to be a focus point which carries on the stories together.
So the weather / seasons weren't enough of a driving force for this story? It's difficult to use a physical totem, as my Sharfkral are very posession-less race (having only enough to subsist).
I've already discussed her role and motivations with you, and will work on finding a suitable totem (which, it fits for what you're describing, despite not being a formal literary term).

All in all, it sounds like you want me to tie the "Stephen" parts of this story together more, to bring some of his inner realizations to the forefront instead of implying them, and to utilize some sort of device to both drive the plot and better tie the second half of the story together. Is that a fair summary of your review?
>> No. 101262

Review Acknowledged. Thank you very much for your help, noble Samurai. Your analysis is very helpful, like always.
>> No. 101391
File 133643218561.jpg - (743.05KB , 674x1571 , btfoh_by_thegreekdollmaker-d4rshf8.jpg )

It's me TheGreekDollmaker, and I think its time we talked about this.

This is the first FiM story I wrote. It started as a response to Human in Equestria story cliches, one which I have been trying to write for some time now.

Problem is that I am having problems with Chapter 4. The first draft as you know was about 40K words before I discarded that. The second one is 15K words, and while its going better than I expected, it still needs some work.

I have gotten another reviewer give me his thoughts on Chapters 1-3 (MintyRest). I would like for you to do them same, as I changed some things to fit the critique she has given me, plus I think getting two opinions about this would help immensely.

Finally I would like to note that you don't need to post the chapters all at once. If you want to do this one chapter at a time, be my guest. I just would like to get that out since the (MintyRest) was quite stressed when she reviewed all three chapters.

This is Beneath the Fields of Heaven, a serious decostruction of HiE stories.

[Title]: Beneath the Fields of Heaven
[Tags]" Adventure, Human, Decostruction, Mythology
[Language]: English (second language)
There once was a clever animal.

One which, between the uncountable star systems and light years separating them, found himself in Equestria. The trees grew old as spring came and their leaves continued to fall around Equestria, the hummings of joy and festivities echoed between unconquerable mountains coming from the Gryphonian capital, while the grave silence of at the lands of the dragons continued on like madness. Nothing changed, and nobody was there to greet the wandering beast.

The clever animal found himself directionless, stripped of his experiences, left with only shells and fragments of agonies to torment himself and others.

That clever animal was man.


A serious deconstruction of Human In Equestria stories.

[Notes]: This will be sent to EqD to see if they accept it.
[Chapters]: FimFiction: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/5969/Beneath-the-fields-of-heaven.
Chapter 1:https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HnjLC3R6tYWMBaoxMtMAlUXFX10FfGT5aNasnmW68Kg/edit
Chapter 2:https://docs.google.com/document/d/13__JJxbfiIv3DC6Xa1WEzQVhFVamG553mWVENvfgGX8/edit
Chapter 3:https://docs.google.com/document/d/15sk2MThbp-j8PM1o9_662ALFqWhT5nMUYp1bwabkFWg/edit

With Regards
>> No. 101617
I shall be on for a couple of hours should anyone desire to make an inquiry or speak to me. The link is the docs above, the chat is the method.

Please join me in the Google Docs chat. If I am not present, do recall to leave a comment so I can either get into the document, or arrange for another occasion.

Take as much time as you might need to, I await your story.

/fic/ has, and will, exist without me and I am quite glad about if I am honest.

I believe that it would be good if we discuss this in chat (or expand over what we have already discussed) as this might take some back and forth. However, to explain myself briefly:

1.) Those represent the imperative forces and call upon the actual descriptions done by the character in each specific section rather than feelings. Those things move the actions into shape and guided how they were expressed (and acted upon). The first is about Stephen fearing for his friend and his plans being wrecked; the self-doubt isn't directed at self at this point, as this section is moving towards it, something which occurs in the ellipsis between the two sections, and by the time we are back on the story it stops to become an attempt at rationalize and accept the path which we know occurred but we are not shown. The description I give go to the central actions rather than the emotions in question, which then goes into the notion of connection of narrative and cohesiveness of message. The rest follow similar lines of analysis.

2.) Well, as we already discussed, but talking a bit further has hurt no one last time I heard, you know what you must do in order for this to be more organic with the rest.

3.) Seasons are not terribly good as driving force in character focus stories because the seasons represent one conflict which won't occur: self-nature. You would need to use quite many metaphors and a lot of pointing an guiding for people to relate Seasons (which have specific qualities to them) to the narration so that they can see the cold making them think and act in specific manners rather than just being part of the background (which is defined as the environment, culture, sometimes even family). Right now, it does little more than provide setting, but should you want to make them a motive force that can be worked on, but it would require some figuring out in what way are you envisioning this.

4.) This is very close to it all. The current problem, so to speak, is that if I were a reader I wouldn't feel the flow as easily as I should, and those things mentioned would do wonders for that.

As always, you are free to ask me any question you desire.

My pleasure. As always, if you have any doubts or would just like to ask questions, please feel free to do so.

As for the others, incoming soon.
>> No. 101786
File 133661912623.png - (1.67MB , 900x1286 , ParadiseLost.png )
[Title] Paradise Lost
[Author] RaptorSenior

[Synopsis] A lie begets a lie, and the world is protected by one. Five thousand years have passed since the Rebirth. The world is now guided by a secret society known as Uprising, who lives in the shadows beneath Canterlot. This is the story of Jazz, a soon-to-be Uprising Guide, as he is charged with protecting Twilight Sparkle from an unknown threat that attempts to wipe out the entire world.


Prelude: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TdsANlCc0vmWww6ykXzkjh9tUIMeo0psSARkOsUDI_Q/edit

Piece 1: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1INqdfML9YeVWzU8BjQg7zkSjGurxLXSeSRK8UaDNgUo/edit

Notes: Please be as thorough as humanely possible with this story. There are a few reviewers comments in Piece 1, but only of things I haven't revised yet as I'm still planning a few things to be added and/or cut.

This story is an Alternate Timeline story, as it has a plotline that stays coherent with canon up until the Nightmare Night episode. Plus the added backstory to how the world came to be. That part, while a Prelude to this story, is also the end of its own story, which I am working on, along with a fic set in the future after the events of both of them. (Yes, I have them planned that far ahead. Every detail of the plot is basically finished)
>> No. 101859
Title: Prologue (I plan on doing more but this is just a first draft)

Synopses:an introduction to my OC

Link: http://pshaw520.deviantart.com/art/Prologue-301222287?q=gallery%3Apshaw520&qo=0
>> No. 103046
>Mainly to see how this all works, but here goes nothing.

Plot Summary: A Prussian griffin (of dubious name and gender) assassinates the leader of the German griffins, signifying the past and ongoing political disputes between the two countries. He(?) then promises a painting of Celestia that he'll come after her.

All in all, underneath all the problems I found in this, this technically does an adequate job in setting the stage for later conflict, once I figured out what exactly is happening.

First and easiest to see: your grammar needs some refinement. A few things I noticed:
-Sentence fragments: make sure every sentence has a subject and verb, and if you deviate from this, make sure you do so intentionally and with good reason.
>None other than Count Clause III, here to bear witness to his downfall!
is not a sentence.

-Make sure you don't get confused when writing parenthetical asides:
>The gilded hall was shadowy at this early hour and, despite the kerosene lamps that endeavoured to bathe it in light, was still as menacing as the seediest alley.
When doing this, you should be able to remove the part that's set off with commas. However, if we do that, we get:
>The gilded hall was shadowy at this early hour and was still as menacing as the seediest alley.
Which, while not technically wrong, I'd advise streamlining this sentence as it definitely sounds clunky.

-Species' names need not be capitalized (Griffons -> griffons)
-Countries' names do (equestrian -> Equestrian)

-When you use a semicolon, they need to join two complete thoughts:
>Depicted standing below the burning pine of Walküre Fallen was Herr Marshal Kralle, depicted in his colonial finery; a fierce war cry captured leaving his lungs.

-hyphenate compound adjectives
>tell tale sign
>tell-tale sign

-dialogue issues
>"She made her choice, and attacking the commandant is a crime punishable by death in the Griffonic Empire.” Lectured Fliegen
You should use a comma to join speech that ends in a period with a speaking verb, and count the whole thing as one sentence. I.e.,
>She made her choice, and attacking the commandant is a crime punishable by death in the Griffonic Empire,” lectured Fliegen

I won't dock you for English spellings of words, but this still deserves another good proofreading pass from you.

The grammar wasn't the worst part about this story, though. I mean, I can read through YouTube comments, and your issues were decidedly intermediate mistakes that still mostly preserved the original meaning of the words. However, your narrative leaves me quite confused as to a few important details as they unfold.

Let me explain: you start off in a museum of sorts (even if it's privately owned), and instantly flood the reader's perception with descriptions of around seven griffon leaders who, from what I can tell, aren't really important to the assassination. This muddles the presentation of who the assassin actually is, as he's impersonating one of them. Now, upon careful re-reading of this, it's clearer that the assassin is a cross-dresser, but the first time through, all of the name-dropping exposition threw up a smokescreen, and I was very confused as to whom "Flying Devil" is.

And oh, yes, did I mention how there's a difficulty that arises from naming your foreign characters foreign words? I'm not bilingual, but I know a little German... and French. You named these griffins like ponies, which I suppose is fair game, but you also mix in a lot of "real names" into the mix to a point where I'm a little confused as what your actual intentions are.

Anyway, with all of the griffins introduced on the front page, I don't think that, comparatively, you dwelled enough on the fact that Fliegen and the assassin dressed as Fliegen are two separate individuals. Consider omitting the other historical figures in other pictures (and the one that real-Fliegen is in), and just start with fake-Fliegen admiring his idol?

Once the identity of the assassin clears up, the vagueness is still slightly (but much improved) present in the flow of things: mainly, you have two nameless guards (that are referred to as "that griffon" in a room full of griffons) that get disposed of before fake-Fliegen kills Clause. The action was discernible, but I think you should've focused more concretely on the individual actions, cause-and-effect relationships.

I liked the characterization of Fliegen, and you did a very good job showing his character rather than telling it (he's maybe a little flat, "YOU KILLED MY COUNTRY, PREPARE TO DIE!" but he was interesting enough when on his own, left to his inner musings and worries). All in all, I think this first chapter has the potential to start a good story, if it has parallels to V for Vendetta and World War I. I only mention the parallels because I'm not entirely sure as to whether or not I enjoyed the story's references to them, or if I enjoyed the story on its own.

Either way, I wish you good luck, and hope this review helps you.
>> No. 103053
File 133737022239.png - (934.99KB , 1702x678 , My Thoughts.png )
My image for this got eaten because Kubasa is silly, so I will use this post to say that Samurai may publicly critique my review if he so chooses.
>> No. 103306
You utter legend you !
Thank you so very much for the review, and as it is, I'm currently rewriting the hell out of it. Your review, along with the one I so graciously received from the presidential review thread, are being put to good use as I write. School permitting, I should have a new version out very soon.

The grammar is probably still going to be shot to pieces, it was never my strong point, but I recon I've at least sorted the narrative portion, smoothing out all those ugly creases.

Again though, I can't thank you, Samurai, or President Nixon enough for your work.
>> No. 103412
File 133758594706.jpg - (64.48KB , 500x565 , Potato Armor.jpg )
On behalf of the Samurai, you are welcome, and I will relay, from his review of my review, that he would have added something about the chain of command of the German griffin leadership.

In other words, the cross-dressing assassin killed the leader, who's going to take over? How big of a deal is that, really? Are we talking about electoral process or open revolt?
>> No. 112131
File 134266846429.jpg - (30.05KB , 395x416 , I\'m sorry.jpg )
Greetings to all.

After some fact checking, I noticed I have not reviewed the story of single person I have not reviewed a story for in about 6 months, which is by far a greater amount that my most recent assignment. I take a lot of pleasure in said situations, but when I originally came here, and more or less still remain, my main interest has always been to encourage new or upcoming writers, and aid with their endeavors as they come and improve their abilities. Here is a small list of all reviews I have done thoughtout, https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GgWfl6qwkWeaqCNbMzjynXxf4KVYgKeu32b6q3ir6Nc/edit which I attempt to make as instructional

To this effect, and by suggestion of someone much brighter than myself, I am calling to all those who I have never met or review a story for, post your story and I shall see what I can do for you for you. In particular, due to the fact I have been told my normal methods might too intimidating, I shall comment directly on their document and discuss by Docs chat as able.

Good day.
>> No. 113429
File 134335871783.jpg - (94.04KB , 1024x791 , 199517 - Alicorn artist raikoh14 celestia duplicate luna princess.jpg )
Tags: [Slice of Life]
Synopsis: Celestia awakens to see an empty world, white sandstone stretching the horizon. She wanders the world as she builds it from her imagination, filling it with life, but as time passes, the world that she created begins to seem like little more than a lucid dream, conjured from the dust.
Word count: 3,331
Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UNpyOyoyJ__1GQu1Fuo0UB8998n_1zNtUq_buAFxyIk/edit

The story was and is an experiment in more stylized writing. I've been referred to your post on past vs present tense several times while writing it, but I believe that present tense suits this story since there's no real need for reflection when the story starts at the beginning of everything.

I'm going to dump a bit more information on what I'm aiming for with this story.
Celestia wakes up and on a featureless barren world, and using her magic, begins to create and shape it. Day and night do not exist yet, and she wanders the world as she creates it for a very long time. After creating the sun, and seeing her shadow; and creating the oceans, and seeing her reflection; she begins to grow lonely, wishing there were a reflection that did more than just imitate her every move.
So she creates Luna, her first and most perfect life.
They go through the world together, and build it even more. Trees, animals, other ponies. But as time drags on, Celestia begins to wonder how real anything is. She created everything from her imagination, and the realization that nothing is truly real and everything is just part of a dream that she made real, begins to eat at her.
I haven't decided what she does from there, but I have a few different ideas. I just haven't figured out which one is the best one yet.

This is part one, but lately I've been thinking the story would work better as a long one-shot rather than a short multichapter story.
>> No. 113445
Hullo! I think you may be expecting this.

Title: To Lead Them Home; draft 1, edit 0
Word: 7,098
Synopsis: A young stallion is recruited into the Reapers, an organization dedicated to the safe crossing-over of spirits. How does death work in Equestria, and what challenges do the Reapers face?

The second conversation with Celestia is clunky and leads itself, and the narrator shows limited emotion there.
The griffin sub-story is under construction.
The story as a whole is rushed in places. This is an artifact from it originally being a one shot, but I now intend to expand the story into multiple parts.
Em dashes are also wrong.

That should be all the major things. There are a few others that have given me ideas for revisions, though they were from opinions and not inherent problems. If you'd like links to the other reviews, I'd be happy to supply them.

Thanks for your consideration!
>> No. 114384
To all whom I have business with, today at 0200 GMT/UTC I shall be on the document to speak with you about them. If you don't, do feel free to join but be aware I hope to deal with the others stories and projects, making my responses slower than usual.

Good day and godspeed.
>> No. 114648
I request that you make inferences about my first chapter, of a story series of which I am attemptin to convey.

I wish for your opinions.

Now, my link is this: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v58IdjbXHeDgtWjXjqTex79AnPJR9hqmoQZd6hEf2l8/edit

I apologize for not making a description, but I feel that there should be no "Outside noise" to pollute this chapter.

Thank you kindly
>> No. 115573
File 134460299872.gif - (1.83MB , 512x384 , dance.gif )
I send you a request through your document, but you have failed to respond.

I will ask again: please meet me so we can discuss your work or I will not be able to reach you for the next group posting (I dislike posting in groups smaller than three).

My request for you to enter the document and discuss with me is essential and I would like to aid you the best I can.

Good day, Mr.Enthers, I have business to attend to with a bed and a cold shower.
>> No. 115625
Alright, let's give this a shot. I don't have much experience with boards such as these, so I am rather nervous, but I'll give this one a go.

Name: Lightless Void

Email: I am rather hesitant to post mine here, but you shall be recieving an email soon regarding my request!

Subject: Just Human, chapter 1: Despair (Let's call this revision number one, as I have long since lost track of how many times I revised this)

Synopsis: A strange entity draws a creature into Equestria from another world. A human. What follows is the beginning of a dark story, showing just how alien the human nature is to a place like Equestria. Showing us that, even with the best of intent, we were never meant to touch that utopian world.

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1etb299hk5oF1qKjAD23bklMU8gX4e91nQZka-F8WTjo/edit

I have given this chapter to several prereaders in the past. In fact, looking at the date, i believe it has been one month since the one year anniversary when I began to write this. Since then, I have written and revised this piece of fanfiction several times, each time improving upon my skills as a writer, before eventually discarding it entirely and starting it anew. My fic has changed so much over time (mostly in terms of grammar and style, though rarely in terms of the actual plot) that what those prereaders had to say is hardly relevant anymore. I have taken the lessons they gave me to heart, and I shall be forever thankful for their assistance.

I am a perfectionist, and this fanfic is something that I am determined to make it live up to the vision I have for it. I wish to take the very concept of a human in Equestria and change into something that shows the reader that it is not something that one should look forward too, but rather, something we should dread and fear, if not for our own sakes than for the sakes of the creatures living there.

After over a year of hard work, I bring you this, hoping you could grant me your insight, so that I may grow as a writer and come closer to completing this vision that I humbly call mine.

As I said, I shall be sending you an email shortly.
>> No. 116812
I have the next two chapters of Equestria From Dust finished (3,800~ and 2,700~) and was wondering if you'd be free to take a look. We can meet and talk about it in a document, over gmail chat, or however you like.
>> No. 117304
Show Don't Tell/Purple Prose/Lively Prose/Voice:

Stories are made up what is shown and, more importantly in most cases, what is not; but beyond that, of things which are simply there because they ought.


The Old Man and the Sea Estimated Reading Time per day: 5 minutes.

A Hundred Years of Solitude Estimated Reading Time per day: 30 minutes.

Test of concept and demonstration:

Pedro Paramo Estimated Reading Time per day: 8 minutes

The Brothers Karamazov Estimated Reading Time per day: 77 minutes

For fun and thought:

Hopscotch Estimated Reading Time per day: 45 minutes, including re-reading

Infinete Jest Estimated Reading Time per day: 120 minutes

Will discuss about the subject matter to whomever wishes to when I return back to chat capability. In reality, the stories provided should prove guide enough. Good day.

All times are based upon my believe all books should be read in a period of two weeks for best comprehension, with the times described here assuming the quite gentle and generous pace of 300 words a minute.

All stories were selected due to relevance to the subject matter, in addition to ease of finding copies in local libraries.

Additionally, I'll be sending emails to the three people I have pending business with within 36 hours; despite not being the chat, they will do.

Good night everyone, no time to converse, or observe, or do anything with verse for that matter.
>> No. 120248
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Greetings Samurai, as per our discussion, I am posting my work on your thread for evaluation. I hope they live up to your standards.

Salty Shores—Chapter One
A story that deals with Light Lovecraftian themes and serves as a prequel to the Equestria Noir story-line. Not much else to say other than it more or less paints the mood that EqN will follow.


1. Story follows a rather purple-prose format. This is due to the fact that the story is about degeneration. The details are meant to demonstrate how the tale goes from somewhat complex, to an almost incoherent mess towards the end of the 4 planned chapters.

2. Glacial pacing-I was told by Mr. Shockwave that my pacing was very glacial, again, having to do with the details presented in the story. While most are intentional, others might prove to be extra.

3. The main character is said to speak far to coherently for a lovecraftian-type lead. The story following a theme of degeneration, him being coherent now will contrast his madness in the end. However, he is meant to be somewhat off in personality, and just a bit senile to boot. Let me know if these things are missing.


Two Beats
Originally written by Nicknack, this story follows a young DJ as he falls into chemical abuse and must eventually choose between his two lives; his two beats.

I've remastered the story, changed a few plot elements around to better fit into the EqN world (which this story was always vaguely part of, if not at least inspired by) and altered the ending to be more powerful. Some changes might work, other might not. This is a virgin story, so great Samurai, its fate is in your hands.


Great Samurai, with that , I bid you farewell.
>> No. 120271
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Both have been added, I will get back to you as soon as possible.
>> No. 128772
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>image related, let's see what happens here

Title: August Fifteenth

Synopsis: Two years after the end of Summer Days and Evening Flames, ponies—and griffins—are still growing, learning, and loving. By coincidence or design, their lives are still interconnected, such as one fateful day in the middle of August.


As one of the original reviewers of my story, I hope you are around and available to look at these seven stories (a total of under 12k words). I'm not entirely sure what, if anything, these vignettes are lacking or strong at. If you can read these and give feedback, it would be much appreciated. If not, I understand; you won't be the first reviewer who is too busy / unavailable for comment.

Thank you.
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