|
>>
|
No. 1453626
File
140500227246.png
- (140.07KB
, 474x271
, FacehoofBones.png
)
>>1450760 >I just watched the Lego Movie with my big sister, it was worth the hype, I must say. Nice comedy, great action, and nice bit of depth for kids and grownups. Ah, yes, I enjoyed that too!
>fetlock v cannon The cannon would be the equivalent of the palm but ponies would have to get their forelegs quite high to put that part to their face. >pic Translating MLP anatomy is not an exact science, I've even spotted the show apparently adding in an extra carpus at points (creepy), not to mention breaking bones, but I'd say that's about where they normally are.
>And even if it's not, I can always say that's the gesture they make in the story and let the anatomy buffs be redirected to first mention of the issue in chapter 1^^. Haha, that's true, but it would bug me if I didn't say anything! I'll lay off now.
>Wait... fan art? Ah, in that case there's even less of a rush. Feel free to go ahead when you feel like it. Expression of enjoyment should come when you're feeling happy, that's my attitude. That's a nice attitude!
>>1450831 >And now I remember I'm on a new laptop and as such my name's not on the messages *facepaws* Heehee, no worries, I worked out it was you!
>>Soth will be about to do a fanfic post on FunDaily, how exciting! >Oh, gods, I'm not going to have my draft featured on FuntasiaDaily, am I? Wait, actually... that would be kind of a middle finger to EqD and their fanfic admission rules. Never even tried to get into EqD, getting on FD without even trying... I dunno. Would bring some positive attention to it, at least. I tried once, the rejection wasn't entirely polite. I guess they have a lot of submissions, but still. I hadn't even realised that my grammar was poor by some standards. I've got better now but haven't written anything else I'd like to hear their feedback on.
>>1450994 >I'd love to get my story on FD, especially as I don't think I have much options when it comes to hosting sites (FiMFiction wouldn't work without including much more ponies in it, and some planned quotes from non-fiction live-action shows may or may not rule out Fanfiction.net). It seems like the type of thing that could happen...!
>>1452438 >kay, the "second half" should be uploaded by now, on the same document link as the "first half". >I seemingly can't follow any given storytelling styles consistently, so some things may feel off or changed from the first part. Right-o!
My nitpicky notes on grammar then! Stopped part way through because I realised I could edit the doc and thought maybe I should be doing that instead? I've really not used Google Docs very often, heh... Made a couple of edits later, do they show up okay to you?
>One group of Filly friends, Rose, Bella, Willow, Lynn and Cedric, had just finished today’s class in magic spells, and was wandering down a hallway. That first comma causes confusion about whether you're naming the friends or if those 5 were with another group of friends (e.g. "the CMC, Rainbow Dash and Applejack"). Colon could be used or moving the names into brackets. Also, "were" wandering.
>some new pictures she took with her portable mirror ^some new pictures she had taken with her portable mirror
>To the left of the other four, was Cedric This comma isn't needed (overusing commas is easy to do).
> to speak more ordinary "Ordinarily" is correct, though "more ordinary" sounds like slang so is almost appropriate!
>as well” said ^as well," said
You've used the >"Comment" was what was said by X ...Structure a lot, too, sometimes with the comma (which looks more natural to me), but >"Comment," said X ...Is the normal way.
>when he suddenly realized “Wait a minute, I forgot That looks strange without a comma after realised, but with my notes on dialogue tags I'm confusing myself as to why. I have a friend who studied English properly, though (not the one who wanted me to proofread with hours to go), so I shall ask her when she's back from her week holiday. Even if you're not too bothered, I feel I should know!
>He whispered to himself “Let’s see. ^He whispered to himself, “Let’s see.
>“What are you doing here, Cedric?” Florian said. Normally questions are asked. Personally I avoid the word "said" as other words can add so much more. <Alternatives here: Asked, inquired, questioned, queried
>intricately designed circle I keep reading this as being just a circle (i.e. just an O). Maybe <intricate circular design ...Would better get the mental imagery across? Your call.
>A ledge opened below him Ledges generally don't open, and it's not a ledge unless it's projecting from something. Trapdoor? Or a tile/panel could open below him, but "trapdoor" should bring the correct mental imagery.
>screaming of shock Screaming in or from shock, or just screaming. Making sounds "of" something implies you're making sounds about them, e.g. singing of someone's greatness.
>then fell down into a soft sofa ^then landed on a soft sofa As a whole movement he fell down onto a soft sofa, but you already used "fell down" earlier in the sentence, and this is about the landing.
>He was in a dimly lit room, the floor and walls were made from dark wood, branches were growing out of some of the corners, and the sofa was pointing at a large matt surface standing mostly vertically. ^He was in a dimly lit room: (I think.)
>I can’t see anything through it” he wondered. ^I can’t see anything through it,” he wondered.
>a while, until ^a while until
>wondered, “I recognize Even if he's not saying it aloud, it's what he's doing to produce the text.
>to watch some more, in the hopes ^to watch some more in the hopes
>“…and here on The Poker ^“…And here on The Poker
>the pot of $13,000!” he could ^the pot of $13,000!” Cedric could Just for clarity! ...I noticed here that I can actually edit the doc myself, does that... Work? At any rate, I think this is enough for one comment, so I'll leave it here on the proofreading and skip to read the new bit!
>Sulta Admin By the way, is this an anagram or such?
Note on language outside of grammar rules: Rapper Cedric cracks me up, but the "N-word" is extremely taboo in some circles and I would recommend censoring it at least a little, e.g. "n*gger" (may seem silly, especially as it's a quote and you're not censoring other words, but that word is worse than any swear words in England, so it's quick to kick up controversy).
But rapper-Cedric does make me laugh. Story felt a little rushed in parts but I fondly await more!
|