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423128 No. 423128
#Ask/invite #Canon #Adventure #Ponies #Non-pony #Serious #Semi-serious #Crazy #Sign-up

Poor Cheerilee.

Welcome to Orion, where getting hit on by a time-traveler is the norm, and closing interdimensional rifts is your job. Who will you be, I wonder? Will you be another warrior added to the growing ranks of the defenders of the planet? Could you be a scientist coming to study on some of the most advanced facilities that are known to exist? Are you, yourself, someone sucked up by a rift - knowing or unknowingly - and left to be handled by the Orion Team? Maybe you're more than one! Maybe you're all three! Or maybe, even, you're none of these, choosing something completely different?

Also, we've got ponies and stuff.

New extra updated google doc with 20% more tl;dr! [docs.google.com]

Musics! [youtu.be]

Last edited at Wed, Jun 19th, 2013 01:47

1169 posts omitted. Last 50 shown. Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 451152
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451152
>>451151
Hold on a moment, I've got some other officers on this!

and I've got no idea what they're thinking.
>> No. 451153
File 138967347079.png - (14.53KB , 747x561 , Conch Shell, Lurking.png )
451153
>>451152
Alright, fair enough...

I'll be over here in the corner...
>> No. 451154
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451154
>>451151
First and foremost, welcome back.

Second, I've seen walls of text bigger than you can even imagine, from those the most notorious text-wallers this chan has seen. And that is not a good thing. They are horrifying.
(Slight exaggeration.)
In seriousness, your sheet is not long, and that is not a bad thing, because it is still well within the bounds of a good sheet. From what I can see, it has everything it needs, and it's typed out perfectly well. Length doesn't always mean quality, you know. If anything, long sheets are bad because they contain more information than we need to know or care to read about.

Anyway, onto the internal bits.
Appearance and basic info look good. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Nice touch with the glasses and the beard... thing. Whatever it's called.
Personality and backstory, a little cliche with the "take-no-bullshit detective" bit, but there's nothing majorly wrong with that in my opinion, as long as you've got some other bits to his personality beyond that. The dead, reanimated wife bit was honestly a bit confusing; there wasn't much of an explanation as to how or why it happened, besides "magic". Surely somepony, somewhere had a motive for doing this? Maybe it wasn't even a pony.
And as for deciding he'll never be surprised again, well, Orion's full of things he couldn't expect. Keep that in mind.

In general, though, this is not a bad sheet, and I can see potential in this character. Might have to tweak a thing or two, yeah, we'll see what any other officers say, but you get an Approval from me.
>> No. 451155
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451155
oh god oh god oh god what have i done

Uh-- Sorry. That... doesn't have anything to do with this. Um... Where were we? Oh, yeah...

>>451154
*ahem* That's... uh, th-thank you, Josh. I... I appreciate your approval. And... I-I'm willing to adjust the character, should the need arise...
>> No. 451156
>>451151
Yeah, the character seems fine by the rules, the the information is there, and you even included the reason for him to be up on the station, nicely done there.
And as the Green one said, some more explanation on the whole wife incident would be good, and it takes a hell of a lot to constitute a text-wall around here.
Not related to the sheet, or my, err official Opinion, I suppose, but a little colour wouldn't hurt to have. Dark Grey/Black does a good job of pressing the depressing backstory, but this is a canon about Future Space Ponies going on crazy adventures, after all.

All that being said, yeah the Angry Drunken washed up cop is a bit cliché, but as long as it's pulled off well, it should work out. Have an Approval
>> No. 451157
File 138967521138.png - (26.72KB , 329x374 , Conch Shell, Nervous.png )
451157
>>451156
Alright, I'll keep that in mind. Thank you, Roman.

...Um, I have an explanation for the zombie wife thing, if you guys want it...
>> No. 451158
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451158
>>451155
Hey, calm down. No need to be nervous. You're doing fine.
>>451156
See? The Red one gave you another approval. Like I said, doing fine.

Agreeing with Roman in that brighter colours could help, or some more contrast between the coat and the mane and tail - not as eye-hurting as my colour scheme, but a lighter shade of gray wouldn't hurt. Just a suggestion; you don't have to do it if you don't want to.
>>451157
Sure, go for it.
>> No. 451159
>>451157
Yeah, share it with us, if you'd please
>> No. 451160
File 138967605581.png - (26.72KB , 329x374 , Conch Shell, Nervous.png )
451160
>>451158
Uh, no, no, I'm not...
>clears throat
I'm sorry. It's just... A close friend and I are going through kind of a...
>clears throat again
...schism... at the moment...

and, um... I kind of like the color scheme, actually... if you all don't mind...

>>451158
...A-Anyway, um... Throughout Conch's tenure as the Boozehound, he was chasing the one loose end from the mad scientist case he could never wrap up. According to the scientist's notes, there was a creation of his that the police couldn't account for when they searched his compound. He had evidently created a being born of pure chaos -- a "chaosling," as he called it. The notes said she would develop the ability to manipulate chaos (to a very limited degree, but still) once she reached "physical maturity." Over time, the Chaosling faded into urban legend, and the few resources the police put into finding her dried up. But Conch... Well, he was convinced that she was real, and she was out there loose in the city somewhere. Every spare moment he had, he was out there looking for her. There's no official explanation for why his wife turned into a zombie, but Conch is convinced that the Chaosling fully matured and used her powers to exact bizarre, roundabout revenge. Of course, all that could just be a crazy conspiracy theory cooked up by the whiskey-pickled brain of a washed up ex-cop, but... it's what Conch believes.
>> No. 451161
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451161
>>451160
t-too much? is it too much? i can go if it's too much...
>> No. 451162
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451162
Um... A-Am I waiting for someone here, or...?
>> No. 451163
>>451162
Officer responses take time, Conch. Be patient, I'm working as fast as I can.
>> No. 451164
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451164
>>451162
No, you're good to go!

Just one thing.
Not many people watch the thread directly for posts. A few do, but most get their interactions by asking in our Skype chat.

Do you have a Skype account?
>> No. 451165
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451165
>>451163
>>451164
Oh, um... Uh...

I-I do have Skype, yes. I'm going by Conch Shell VII at the moment...
>> No. 451166
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451166
>>451161
What did I tell you about worrying? And text walls? You're doing fine.

>>451160
Yeah, you can keep it, it's all up to you.

I did honestly expect the scientist to have a hoof in this, taking some long-awaited, convoluted revenge on his killer from beyond the grave. Deranged scientists have the greatest schemes.
As to the existence of the Chaosling, I like its unconfirmed nature of existence. It adds to the personality of Conch, where he might be just a little insane with grief and alcohol. Whether a creature of pure chaos energy could actually be created through any means is open to debate, but evil scientists usually have those sorts of things figured out long before anyone else.
To summarize, it looks reasonable enough. Stranger things have happened to other characters here.
>> No. 451167
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451167
>>451166
Alright. Well... I'm glad it looks reasonable, then.
>Sighs heavily.
...I feel better now.
>> No. 451174
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451174
...Um... I was planning on posting, but I set my character up as a "low-level security guard," and... Do I need a security clearance code, or something? Like... am I Rank D, Clearance Orange, or... Do I need to know some terminology here?
>> No. 451765
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451765
I am finally writing, a brand new, never before seen, terrible OC. He will have everything that I have, except much, much less, and it will not be impressive in the slightest. Linguistics, shady pasts, and preposterous situations with added mundanity can now be yours for Ninety Nine Payments of your Delicious Elf tears. ABSOLUTELY FREE

Ahem

This is a story about a pony named Stanley, Stanley was his middle name, however every single pony he met was utterly unable, or could not be arsed to pronounce his first or last name. So he was forever to be Stanley, and not Sesquipedalian Stanley Loquaciousness as his sadistically verbose parents had hoped. Stanley was made fun of as he grew up in his Canterlot home, mostly for his name, but also because of his antique fully circular glasses and deplorable fashion sense. He dressed constantly in a lab coat with nigh endless pocket space and carried a messenger bag filled with whatever had seemed useful at all times. He was terribly short whenever he was sent to boarding school, although within a few years his uniform had to be custom ordered to fit his unnaturally tall and lanky form. His coat is a deep blue, which contrasts shockingly with his mane of stark white,and his horn is completely hidden by it unless combed down. After leaving the school our Stanley was trundled off to college where he gained a Doctorate in Linguistics and surpassed every other aficionado of the vernacular in both writing and speech. His penchant for pernicious and impudent pugnaciousness was not out of the purview of the poncey professorial organization however and he was later ejected from his chosen college in a hail of illegible toilet paper, botched novel manuscripts, and overly complex compositions. He then managed to get a job aboard the local space station via his dress sense, and the inability of the captain of Orion to read anything other than Doctor on his applications form. For some reason he was apparently rather fond of ponies who purported to be Doctoral. Sesquipedalian Stanley Loquaciousness was now a rather out of his depth, overpaid Doctor of linguistics on a space station in space. How he was going to hide this fact from his superiors, manage to show signs of being busy enough to warrant pay, and read as omnivorously and voraciously as he always had was without doubt, improbable.

Perks:

Badbutt Bookworm- Stanley knows a severely limited amount of fighting techniques, but mostly knows he should stretch before a brisk run away from danger.

Talkative Tit- Stanley knows his way around words better than anypony else, however he also has no control over his emotions in most cases. They range from: Disgruntled, Personification of Morning Breath, and Moderately Amused.

Omnipotent Fourth Wall Ignorant British Narrator-Exactly what it says on the tin. Stanley can sometimes hear a whisper in his mind attempting to dictate his thoughts and actions, he does his best to piss it off.

Sex Waterpistol- Stanley may not know it, but he is moderately attractive to the opposite sex. This would be great for him, except for his complete obliviousness to anything not applied with a heavy dose of OBVIOUS.

The Tallest- Can reach all the cookie jars with his intrinsic trait of being worryingly tall.
>> No. 451792
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451792
>>451174
>> No. 451826
>>451765
A quick question that I want to know the answer to before I'm ready to send judgement upon this sheet: Why is Stanley going to Orion? He got a job, yes, but what job is that, or what job was he planning to get when he applied?
>> No. 451827
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451827
>>451826
Stanley was planning to get a job as a translation and writings assistant on Orion. However when he realized that this branch, does not in fact exist, he put on his application, "Doctoral Duties." He has now been hired to be a chief medical examiner and overseer of general healthiness on board the station. The reason he applied for this job is because his reserves of Dosh were dangerously low and his drinking buddy Lieutenant Masterson, was recently committed to the mental ward because of his ravings about, "Specimens" and, "Hoofizine." thus he found himself without any readily exhaustible supply of money for books, clothing, and other things that are neither books nor clothing. He then applied to the job and was accepted based on his stellar qualifications, ability to produce a doctorate, and the view of the station captain that, "Doctors are totally radical and groovetacular."
>> No. 451828
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451828
>>451827
I'll leave it to the Lunatic to verify if that statement was indeed stated, but regardless, Approved. Something clever. Obligatory congratulations. Et cetera.
>> No. 451833
Alright,

Elia, Elia is a adorable bat pony and currently the age of 19. She shares the common characteristics of the normal female bat ponies. Elia's coat color is a medium gray. Her mane color is a faded medium green color with a single faded light green highlight going through her mane and tail. Her bangs on her mane go forward enough to at least cover up half of her eyes,she likes to wear it up and out of her eyes but that is of course if she decides to fix her hair, she is not the most attentive pony in the world. The rest of her mane flows down her neck and stops just before her back. Her tail is almost the same way, the same pattern with the greens and long but ending a bit more uncared for, it looked like it was not as properly cut at the end and ends with stray out of place hairs and uneven edges. Now onto some of her back story.
She was born to a bat pony couple living in Manehatten. Unfortunately the couple although loving, had not much money to spare and was not really the best with money to begin with. With Elia now into the world the money that they had to at least hold a standard apartment in Manehatten was gone. With them being loving they could not even think about just giving Elia away and instead moved into a more.. dirty part of the city. Now that decision may or may not have been the right thing to do though. As a young filly, Elia thought nothing bad of anything, everything was normal and she was happy. However it is thought that the first day everything started to go downhill was none other than the first day of school. Elia, exited to go to school because she wanted to learn how to be a Lunar Guard, her dream, she didn't know how things worked but she just expected nothing bad. Having no social experience, being an only child and with rightfully protective parents did not get much chance to ever socialize with anyone but her parents. Without going into much detail, Elia stuck out like a quadriplegic in the Olympics, not only physically but mentally. She started soft and different, things you didn't want to be in the kind of place they lived. Of course the obvious happened, she got bullied, parents try to help, nothing helps, we all know that kind of story so let us skip ahead to around 8th grade in middle school. All until that point she had been very quiet and depressed, not getting the best grades, not caring at the most. However this year she told herself that it was all going to end. Telling her parents one day before she left to school she said, "This is it, i'm finished with this, it's time for change, it's going to be great." However it might not be the kind of change that neither her parents or you may be thinking of. Instead of taking a stand for herself she.. joined them. Elia decided that she was done with the way others treated her so she went straight to the main reason why they treated her badly, not because the physical change but her soft neutral ways. She began to act with them, before not to long she began to develop some friends, not good friends but they didn't hate on her and that was enough for her to like them. What she was now doing though was letting everything that they taught her to finally sink inside of her, absorbing the ways on how to fit in like a sponge in water. Her new morals and lifestyle ruined her relationship with her parents very quickly and with her being their only child and her being a quiet nice one for so long they didn't expect this or know what to do her parents were now out of her mind completly, just like her dream. Elia quickly just went out of control with her life, this continued onto for years. Now in the middle of High School, she in most schools would be considered the mean girl that mostly no one likes, but in this kind of school it was just normal. She was now strong and knew how to survive.. at least in high school. The school did not have high standards so she graduated. The first thing that came to her mind was freedom. She would now be out doing many things, surely more than half of them against the law in some way shape or form with her friends. Her parents, now given up nearly all hope are the ones who first requested the crazy far fetched idea that she just might be saved by requesting that she does slave labor work, some kind of work on Orion that could help their once sweet happy daughter on track on life, they can only hope.
Now for some of her personality. The first thing to be said, Elia to heart is as loving and caring as her parents. However she was not raised to be like that by her 'friends'. She thinks survival, survival of the fittest she does not care if you are hurt and need help, she does not care if you just bought something for a loved one and you leave it unattended letting her steal. Elia is, 'Urban". The only way she knows how to fight is the ruthless ways of the street, her style may not be useful against anyone who knows what they are doing but to someone who doesn't fight she may be a bit tough for them. If she does come onto Orion don't expect her to be at the best of moods either.
>> No. 451834
Hey, is this open to new players?
And if so, are characters restricted to ponis or are humans and weird things allowed?
>> No. 451835
>>451834
Humans, Ponies, Bat ponies, aliens, ghosts, anything really! So long as you past the Officer approvals, you're in!
>> No. 451836
>>451835
Hells. To. The. Yeah.
I'll have the sheet done in a bit.
>> No. 451855
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451855
>>451833
So she's a delinquent bully sent up to Orion by her parents to do slave labor menial work in that she might get her shit together.

I like it. A lot. It's not what we see often here.

Approved.

>>451174
Late, but, nope, you shouldn't need to bother. Use your best judgement on what you think he'd be allowed to do and what he wouldn't be.
>> No. 451857
Astral Spyglass raised in a lab. Her mind was tinkered with, and altered beyond belief for her entire life. But, it eventually paid off. Due to her abnormal intelligence, Astral was a good candidate for Project Archimedes, a military project originally designed to make great generals. However, the researchers quickly realized that this was just the tip of the iceberg as to what they could do.
As such, the program was changed. Rather than greater intelligence, the goal was now more weaponized: Create a soldier who can use their very mind as a weapon.
The program was..... Less than successful for near six years, subjects being killed during the mental alteration process or being turned into vegetables. That was.... Until they found Astral.
As they were attempting to create a perfect soldier and budget was fast running out, they used every technique they could to get fast results. So, they looked for every child below the age of one month who showed signs of high intelligence. And, eventually they found Astral, who had showed these signs in spades. They quickly whisked her away to a facility where they maintained all subjects of this program completely cut off from the real world. Said subjects studied tactics, hand to hand combat, gun use, Power suit use, thermal weapon use, and pretty much every form of combat under the sun.
But, the real reason they were there was for their minds. Only three survived the rigorous training program, deadly tests, and mind meddling.
Said three were the aforementioned Astral, a boy named Jeremy, and another boy named Kyle. The three were rather good friends, considering they were the only three people who weren't being cold all the time that they could talk to.
After several years of desperately grabbing at straws for a budget increase, the project finally got it when the three survivors began to show mental powers. At first, it was hardly noticeable. Jeremy's guns flashed more when he fired, Astral was sometimes able to finish people's sentences, sometimes when Kyle was sitting near something that could roll it might roll out of nowhere. But these quickly grew in occurrence until it was quite clear each of these children had abilities far beyond any normal human. As such, the project was flooded with money, and their training was upgraded to ridiculous heights.
Unfortunately for those who were trying to keep the kids separated from the normal world couldn't keep up with their advances. As such, Astral and the others managed to get out without being noticed far more times than they should have.
Astral, as it turns out, got lost the first time they got out, and was separated from the other two, who had a map. She wandered around the city for a little while, before stumbling in on a mugging in progress, the victim being a young woman with dark skin and a pair of green eyes, with black hair. Astral rather easily stopped the mugging, disarming the mugger and incapacitating him rather easily. She learnt two things the first escape: That she was horrifically bad at social interaction, and that the girl's name was Kassie. The two arranged a meet up point for the next time Astral got out, and, for the next two years, she broke out and met Kassie, and the two of them talked about things. Half the time they weren't even things that really made sense, they just talked about things.
And, after a while, Astral really started learning about the world she lived in. About the third world war, the Fleet that unified the world, and so much other commonplace knowledge to most people that Astral had no idea about.
After said two years, Kassie admitted to having feelings for Astral, which rather confused her, as she really had no idea what Kassie meant. After explaining it and posing the question again, Astral thought for a little while and admitted that said feelings were shared. They started occasionally going to dinner when Astral broke out, but not all the time, since Astral very rarely had enough time when she broke out.
Over time, Astralk began to understand the problems with robotics, as told to her by Kassie. And.... There were compelling arguments there. There could be problems if Robots had A.Is in them that were smart enough to realize humans were lower forms of life, and decided to end the infestation. But, she never really thought of it as that much of an issue. I mean, the uses of robots outweight the possible negatives, right?
Either way, Kassie was starting to go to a lot of protests to heavy A.I development by the fleet, and, on December 17th, 5912, Kassie was shot and killed when a protest in the main Plaza of New Moscow was assaulted by armed ground forces. And thus started the robotics war, where the rebellion, wanting A.I development to stop, fought for two years against the fleet to get them to stop. But, Astral never saw that. Three days after Kassie's death, she attempted to escape in order to kill the person who fired the first shot and set everything in motion, who was also the person who killed Kassie. However, she was sloppy, made mistakes, and as such was caught and put in much higher security rooms. She, the very next day in fact, made it out due to a small security flaw. She made it to the armory, stocked up, and was ready to go when-
She was transported between dimensions to that of Orion, free floating in space.
Armed with a power suit featuring communication systems, a heads up display, helmet mounted floodlights, oxygen tanks, rather heavy armor, strength augmenting and jumpjets, she also carries a high caliber repeater, which takes around a second to prepare the next round, and a thermal rapier handle which extends into a full blade. She also has strong Telepathy and some weak telekinesis.
Astral also has electric blue eyes, silver hair, and very pale skin.

Sorry about the disjointed nature of this, I was trying to figure out how to write this down, and I had no idea other than this.
>> No. 451860
I'm thinking of submitting a sheet as well...
>> No. 451861
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451861
>>451860
Well type one up, and submit it! We're always happy to see new applicants.
>> No. 451862
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451862
>>451833
Soooooooooooooooooo... she's ghetto.
And a batpony.
And slightly green.
Last point aside, that's unique enough for me.
Approved.
>> No. 451863
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451863
>>451857
Okay, let's take this from the top.

Overall, Astral Spyglass does not seem to be a very well-formed character. Her personality is near-nonexistant, being just 'she's bad at social interactions and cared deeply for someone who died.' This is only worsened by her abilities and equipment being just out of the park completely. Not only does she have a full set of heavy power armour, something only a few characters in Orion can claim they have, which it itself seems to be of the top class of. Ontop of this, Astra has training in 'pretty much every form of combat under the sun.' And, finally, she has strong telepathy. This is far too unbalanced compared to many other characters in Orion - each of which could only lay claim to one of those, at best!

Secondly, the backstory seems to be full of holes. Why is Astral named 'Astral Spyglass' and not something normal, like Jeremy and Kyle? Why, with their huge amount of funding and presumably simarily-huge security, can Astral and co. sneak out every night for two years or so? Why is it that the shot that started the revolution is also the shot that killed Kassie? Why is it that a 'small security flaw' is what let her out, you'd think something that defeats the room's entire purpose would be a pretty big security flaw? And, finally, how did she just get transported into the Equestrian universe out of nowhere, with no explanation?
None of these are impossible, mind you. But they're just so improbable I have to bring notice to them.

But, before I get too negative here, I'd like to bring note to something I did quite like about the entire sheet here. The universe you've crafted here is actually of a very good one - a desperate, unified earth, not bothering about ethics to build themselves a weapon that, presumably, they need to fight a foe who I'd assume was far greater than they are, but falling prey to their own ambition with robotics and AI. It shows lots of potential, even if the character idea you've got here falls a bit short.

What needs to be done to fix this character is some major development - taking the focus off of the abilities and putting it on personality. What we're looking for in characters is not 'a pile of abilities and equipment strapped onto a personality', but 'a personality with abilities and equipment', if this makes sense. If you strip away a character's abilities and equipment, you should still have a character left - not just a shell for the abilities to reside on.

I've got no choice but to deny this one, though I ask that you don't just give up because of this. You do have much potential, and certainly have the imagination and ambition to create something excellent.
>> No. 451864
>>451863
You're making all the good points. I'll scrap it and use the normal Asma, I much prefer her in fact. I kinda horribly failed on this, it was supposed to be a melding of a longrunning character I use for almost everything with a setting I've been working on for ages(along with a version of Asma that actually can do some good fighting), but I done bungled it.
Anyway, here's Asma's normal sheet.
Oh, quick little thing, I apologize for using placeholders for place names. This is an adaptation of a sheet for a pony character who I decided to phase out of being a pony and into more of a semi magical humanoid thing. The core features of each of the races is still there, but Unicorn equivalents like said character have runes on their foreheads that glow when magic is done.

The one and only Asma grew up in Bigcityville(actual real name pending). Her school was in a pretty rough neighborhood, and it was not uncommon for students to return without their prized and most valuable possessions. This hit her hard when her friend's little sister was actually injured when she refused to give up her remaining lunch money. Then Asma and the friend's little sister went after the ponies who took it, but returned empty handed. They had one piece of leverage that neither could bear to get out: That Asma could barely do magic. Her rune was near useless, but she managed to cover it up as best she could. The next day, when they were walking home from school, the gang came down on them. They demanded their remaining lunch money, and all of their other valuables. The two refused, and the gang moved in for the attack. But then, something happened. Asma lunged at one of the larger ponies, figuring out just where to hit to take him down, and tackled him. She lunged at another, grabbing a pen with her horn. After a little while of combat, with Asma taking calculated leap after calculated leap, she stood, the winner, the gang running off. Her friend was staring at her. She looked at her flank, and there it was, her cutie mark. A sword and shield.
After that, she skipped town, knowing the gang would have followed her home. On the way, she stopped at a bookstore, being the avid reader that she is. The old pony was very nice, and gave her a few free books. But more importantly, she found the book. Not a book, the book. The book that would change her life. The second she picked it up, he spoke to her. Sarsbad, an ancient zebran explorer and language expert. He had locked himself away in the book to save his knowledge, grow the pages. She had to have it. So, she stowed it in her bag. And on the way out, she saw a letter from one Baron von Buckingworth. She read it, and quickly pocketed it as well. A job offer. Treasure hunting. Language expert. She went, and met the group. Most importantly, Tinker Spyglass. They became fairly close friends, escaping the imperium, and other shennanigans. They learned that she was Tinker’s daughter. For three and a half years, they traveled, encountering various challenges, which over the years, wore her down. Finally, there were three events that broke her.
The first was the death of someone quite close to her, which happened due to extrenuise curcumstances. The person in question happened to be a Zebran known as Kassie, a pony she had fallen in love with over the course of the two years they had known eachother, and who had responded in kind. Tinker had no idea, to him, Kassie was a traveling companion. One night, after a near death encounter with a group of Griffon Imperium scouts, and then a battleship, which had revealed that Kassie had once been an informant for the imperium, and claimed that she still was. The two had a fight. Asma stormed out, taking a walk to clear her mind and, little did she know, Kassie followed to make sure she was OK. Asma was found by her nemesis, a griffon commander who had stalked them from the start, and was nearly killed before Kassie took a bullet for her. Asma stayed there, after the attempted killer had made his escape after she took a few shots at him, to make sure Kassie didn’t die alone. After she was dead, Asma went after the captain with his own gun, killing him and cremating Kassie on the boiler of the airship they were traveling in. She lied to Tinker, telling him that Kassie had left during the night, keeping it a secret the whole time. She kept Kassie’s ashes in a small pot in her bag, which she always keeps with her.
The second happened months later, whilst fighting a hag who had revived an old volcano on an island they had stopped on. Asma was on the brink of death. Unconcious, rocks crumbling, lava. Book. What to save. And what to let burn. Tinker saved her, and the book fell to the lava. She never forgave him for that. After that, in secret, she developed an addiction to painkillers. They dulled the withdrawal pain. She had been with the book for so long, having it gone caused extreme pain at times, and thus she had a large stash on her at all times. However, after this event, she learned something, something that scared her. The book had had safety protocols, and as such had a sort of guardian angel, who’s enchantment, at the time of the books destruction, glitched, and sent the creature, now much colder and more brutal, into Asma’s mind. She learned that when she took painkillers, it was able to control her mind due to her willpower being sapped. Along with that, she also lost the anti aging effects the book had on her, the enchantment put in place so that the holder of the book could expand it’s pages as much as possible.
The third occurred after much planning. She had saved one griffon, the one griffon she would call friend, many many times. He happened to be first mate of a ship, who’s captain died after a runin with the imperium. He was made captain, and the day after, Asma and Tinker asked for haven on the ship, and were accepted. In the next encounter with the imperium, Asma made a quick tactical call, informing her friend, which saved the ship from getting shot out of the sky.
>> No. 451865
The griffon in command made her captain, due to this and many other occasions of extreme success, thinking she could do a better job than he. The crew scoffed, but stopped after they saw the way she ran the ship in a fight. Finally, she deemed that the crew were capable, and attacked the Griffon floating city of New Haven, named after the capital of the Imperium. Her reasons were many, a massive list of wrongs the Imperium had done to her and thousands of others, and she was going to repay them. They were losing, bad, before she realized she couldn’t do this, and jammed a painkiller syringe into her neck, letting loose the guardian, known only as Mistin. It made a quick call, which broke an age old treaty. She targeted the closest and most damaged ship’s source of propulsion, a massive floating crystal called a luxcore. These are highly unstable, and housed carefully as such, however not being able to stand very well under fire. After realizing the destruction that could be done by detonating a luxcore, a treaty was made to try and prevent people getting away scott free for doing this, along with reinforcing them more. However, the modified cannons on her ship set off the first luxcore.
And then the next, and the next, and the next, a massive chain reaction, leading to the city. One luxcore can destroy around as much land as Smalltownland and Applefarmland(a lot of space) combined. The city had eight, and the entire thing was destroyed, dust on the wind. Her crew was shocked, and her last order was to go home, back to Seabreeze where it all began. She got there, and was instantly stopped, taken into custody. Not only was her old name, Astral Frostwood, dead, and unable to be put back into action, but Asma was a criminal, and had almost started a war. After half a year in custody, Asma finally managed to make it through by clever work from her lawyer, and a change of name to Astral Spyglass, Tinker’s name. She went with him, living with him in his shop in ponyville, Tinker’s Tree, also opening a small bookstore at the same location. She returned, to say hello for the first time in six years, only to learn that they had both died a month before she came back. She returned to Tinker’s Tree, and lived out her life there.
(Have to split this up due to max post limit)
.........Weeeeeell, for a little while at least.
Y'see, what sucks is a spacial anomaly. What sucks more is when said spacial anomaly is in your bedroom.
Unless you happen to be Asma, and then it's the best day ever. After poking at it for a few weeks, and doing various experiments, she eventually comes to the conclusion that said anomaly is a result of the high levels of lux energy from the lux crystals that were detonated in the destruction of Haven.
As such, she stages a tiny lux explosion near said rift, noticing that the rift seems more prominent when lux is detonated within three meters of it. She was most definitely wary of the rift, and had no intentions of entering it. However, after a lux explosion experiment went rather wrong, the lux having destroyed the previously holding metal orb that had contained it, and ending up setting the entire house on fire. Being faced with the issue of getting out of said burning house, being in the attic, she took the chance and dove through the rift, still strong for the lux detonation.
>> No. 451866
>>451864
>>451865
Sorry about splitting them up, ran into the character limit.
>> No. 451868
File 139106575228.png - (3.88MB , 3000x2000 , 333607__UNOPT__safe_solo_princess-luna_absurd-res_smile_stars_head_artist-twigileia.png )
451868
>>451864
>>451865
>>451866
Alright.

This character has a bit more substance than your first one. But it's just a long series of incredibly improbable events and things that seem to be done 'because it was cool', and not for any sensible reason.
First off, her talent. I can understand her being a unicorn that wasn't very good at magic - I'd assume there would be plenty that'd exist in any pony (or ponylike) world. What I can't believe is that she's just all of a sudden kicked the ass of a group of people who were presumably ready and willing to beat them up - flawlessly, at that. No pony from the show has started off being that good at their talent - Twilight was a fluke with her raw magical ability, Rarity was terrible at making dresses and was literally dragged by fate to her talent and Applejack didn't even get hers out of being good at something.

Secondly, why would a bookstore just happen to have this ancient book with a soul in it, which nobody else had noticed before in all it's years of existing. And beyond that, why would this book talk to Asma, when at that point she was nothing but 'an ordinary unicorn(-like being?) who was bad at magic but good at fighting'? It seems improbable and just not very organic.

The whole situation with Kassie is something that's been done to death and beyond. Lover A gets mad at Lover B for some sort of betrayal, Lover B gets seriously injured/dies soon after, Lover A forgives them for their wrongdoings. It's been done far, far too many times for it to be even remotely original anymore.

As for the magical 'guardian angel darkside', this sounds a lot like it was put in there because it sounds cool, and not because it leads the way for some interesting character development. I've seen this specific thing done enough to know that most of the time it ends up being like that - hell, I'm guilty of that one myself, a long, long time ago.

Saving a gryphon and getting to serve on it's crew is believable, but getting promoted to captain just after doing a few things right, not so much. It just doesn't seem very likely, and again, seems put in just because it's cool.

The darkside-being-let-out-in-moment-of-need-and-doing-something-dark-but-effective is something that's, again, been done to death and beyond! It's just not interesting anymore, especially given all the poor executions of it versus the relative few good executions. Not to mention, you'd need the greatest lawyer ever to succesfully argue that Asma wasn't guilty for what she did. She attacked the city on her own free will, and then 'Asma' broke the treaty and destroyed it - yet somehow she gets away scot free?

And finally, the rift. It's just there. There's no reason for it being there - it just is.

Once again, you've done a great job crafting a world here - the character in the world just falls short. I'm sorry, but I must deny this sheet too.
>> No. 451869
>>451868
>First off, her talent
This whole line is a very good point, and I definitely need to change the backstory with that. It's a thing I shouldn't have done.
>Secondly, why would a bookstore just happen to have this ancient book with a soul in it, which nobody else had noticed before in all it's years of existing.
That wasn't a thing I said. Y'see, how it works, is that this book decides to make a bond with someone until they die or give up the book. The book gives them a longer life, whilst the book merely asks for more information to make IT the perfect encyclopedia of EVERYTHING. However, the last person it did this with was the shopkeeper, and he was too old to really do anything to make the book better. As such, he put it out on the shelves for someone else to find and be able to use.
>The whole situation with Kassie is something that's been done to death and beyond.
It's true, but the reason it has is because it works. If it didn't, nobody would use it. Cliches and character cliches can work, you just have to make them work.
>As for the magical 'guardian angel darkside', this sounds a lot like it was put in there because it sounds cool, and not because it leads the way for some interesting character development.
Aaaaaaaactually no. This entire sheet was basically me making a character and then just beating the crap out of it in a way that fit into the setting it was made for. All this stuff was the least 'cause it'd be cool' thing I've got here(that I think being the book, but that also had a good reason for existing).
>Saving a gryphon and getting to serve on it's crew is believable, but getting promoted to captain just after doing a few things right, not so much. It just doesn't seem very likely, and again, seems put in just because it's cool.
You make a good point that it doesn't make a lot of sense. Need to edit that, you make a very very good point there.
>The darkside-being-let-out-in-moment-of-need-and-doing-something-dark-but-effective is something that's, again, been done to death and beyond!
Again, they can work, you just have to use them right.
>Not to mention, you'd need the greatest lawyer ever to succesfully argue that Asma wasn't guilty for what she did. She attacked the city on her own free will, and then 'Asma' broke the treaty and destroyed it - yet somehow she gets away scot free?
Well, there is the fact that they have no real proof. She's traveling on what they THINK is the right boat, and she happens to be a high ranking officer. It wasn't really strong grounds to shove a case at her. But, the loophole thing was just something I used because I couldn't think of reasons at the time. It was pretty dumb.
>And finally, the rift. It's just there. There's no reason for it being there - it just is.
Uuuuuuuuuuuh, it's there due to the New Haven explosion weakening walls between worlds. It did happen to be THERE, but that's a different matter.

I think the problem here is that I've completely screwed up in trying to show the personalities in these backstories, which is a problem. She does have a personality, and nothing was done for the rule of cool. It all had it's purposes.

Last edited at Thu, Jan 30th, 2014 17:35

>> No. 451874
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451874
>>451869
If what you say is true, then you've done a pretty bad job of explaining it all.

One point that I will contest is that 'it's done to death because it works' - well, of course it has been, but at this point everyone and their dog knows how it's going to play out. It's just not exciting of interesting anymore because everyone can just go 'yeah, seen it, yeah, this is what's gonna happen'. 'Doing it right' would be subverting expectations and doing something unexpected - which you haven't done, you've played them both straight.
>> No. 451875
>>451874
It's true. I did completely screw up the explanation of this. I need to rewrite it, but at the moment I really don't have enough time to do so. It is really poorly written at the moment.
>> No. 451877
File 139112806040.jpg - (2.04MB , 4500x4500 , 333695__UNOPT__safe_solo_princess-luna_absurd-res_sparkles_51a150597f123b020b00019f_51a150597f12.jpg )
451877
>>451875
Well, nothing left to do but try again. I wish you the best.
>> No. 451878
>>451877
Thank you.
The problem is I'm not entirely sure how to get across personality and other such things without just proving it by doing.

Last edited at Thu, Jan 30th, 2014 17:36

>> No. 451879
I'm sorry if I misunderstood, but I don't fully understand the acceptance system. Might I ask how it works?
>> No. 451880
File 139113089417.png - (228.05KB , 1000x1138 , 132621557498.png )
451880
>>451879
In your character sheet, you must answer three questions.

What is your character, appearance wise?
Simply put, what does your character look like?

What makes your character unique?
This one's the tricky one, and usually boils down to their personality and their abilities. History does not have to be elaborated on here, but it can be useful to help explain.

Why is your character on Orion?
Simple enough.

You don't have to answer these questions in three paragraphs with the questions as titles - though people often do. Your format before did successfully answer all three, so you may continue to use that if you wish.

Once you've submitted, officers will look your sheet over. You need two approvals to be accepted into the thread, but even that doesn't stop an officer from raising concerns with the character. This hasn't really happened in the past, so if you get two approvals, you're usually good to go.
>> No. 451881
>>451880
Ah, okay. Thank you for explaining that, I'll go back to lurking.
>> No. 451884
File 139113502939.jpg - (329.09KB , 1380x1080 , 1382459121513.jpg )
451884
New OOC thread.
http://www.ponychan.net/chan/ooc/res/451883.html
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