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455591 No. 455591

This is the first part. If you guys like it, tell me and I'll post more.
(Pic Related)

On November 25th 1997, Titanium Charge, an earth pony, was born in Las Pegasus, Equestria. He was born with a copper colored mane and tail, and a silver colored coat of fur with gold-topaz colored eyes. His mother, Shock Charge, started breathing differently. She then fell a victim of cardiac arrest after his birth, and died shortly after. His father, Static Charge, didn’t attend his birth, for he was out taking care of business doing whatever it is he did.

Titanium was taken in by his Uncle and Mother’s Brother, Metal Thunder, and raised. Not knowing his parents, he took on the name Titanium Thunder. By the time he was 8 years old, a group of marauders, trying to find Titanium’s father, broke into his Uncle’s home and began murdering. Apparently, Titanium’s father had screwed someone over, and now they were out to kill him. If not him, they’d kill his family. They killed Titanium’s Uncle, Aunt, and his two cousins, as they looked for him. Once they did find him, they dragged him outside, threw him into their vehicle, and drove out into the middle of nowhere. Once they were a safe distance from local authorities, they began yelling and demanding from him “TELL US WHERE HE IS!” They shouted at him. His eyes filled with tears of fear. “I-I don’t know w-what you’re t-talking about!” he spoke timidly, being too afraid to speak out. “He’s lying.” said one of the bandits. After a few attempts of asking “nicely,” and not getting what they wanted, they began beating him. They kicked him again and again and again, and shook him violently when he tried to fall unconscious. “Tell us where he is or we’ll kill you, you pathetic piece of trash!” One of the stallions pulled out a small knife and slashed downward on Titanium’s left eye, causing him to go blind in it. He screamed and whaled. “I DON’T KNOW! P-Please stop hurting me!” He cried continuously. The marauders never got an answer, so they hopped back in their vehicle, and left the bruised, broken, and bleeding colt to die alone.

Last edited at Fri, Jul 4th, 2014 13:17

Unspoiler all text  • Expand all images  • Reveal spoilers
>> No. 455594
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That was fucking dumb.

Kinda liked the colours on the picture, though.
>> No. 455595
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No but okay, let's get serious. You want feedback?
My feedback, my two cents, has very little to do with the semantics of your character. My feedback to you is to take a step back, and think, and ponder the following questions, and then apply them to your character.

- What do I accomplish by creating a character with all this grief?
- Does it create an engaging character?
- Could you fit this character within a canon that has a central story about some other thing?
- What could he contribute to a story outside of his own?
- Why use earth dates, and apply them to Equestria?

And, most importantly:
- Would this character have interesting and engaging interactions with other players in meaningful ways?
Cause really, that's what it boils down to. The key, the golden question, so on. Roleplay is a collaborative story, and in the end, that's what matters. I mention this because I get the sense from your OC's backstory, especially considering that it ends on a "cliffhanger," that you're more interested in your own. Think about it, yo.

Last edited at Fri, Jul 4th, 2014 16:36

>> No. 455596
Ok, here's some notes.

- It's not the ending. I just took a chunk from it so you guys wouldn't have to spend such a long time reading.

-November 25th isn't Christmas.
December 25th is.

-He could learn some things about friendship. Having a traumatic experience would cause someone to shut out other ponies/people.

-It's just...something to look at and think about. Not many Earth Pony OCs out there.

-He wants to develop some connection with the rest of the world, so he doesn't feel so ousted.

I'll now post the entire thing so you can read the rest of it.
>> No. 455597
...(cont. from first post)

He had given up on life. He closed his right eye and tried to cry himself to sleep, knowing he wouldn’t wake up. As soon as he closed his eye, a small flash of light began glowing before him. It was some sort of door, or portal. He attempted to stand up, his legs shaking for most of his bones were either broken or cracked. He wobbled over to the door and looked inside. What he saw was something he would only see in a dream. It was outer space. The stars, planets, solar systems, and galaxies were before him now. Enchanted by the wondrous view, he stepped into the door, itching for a closer and better look. After he stepped inside, the portal leading to the horrid wastes where he was just attacked closed. He looked around, amazed by the view he never thought of seeing with his own eyes, or eye in his case. After a few moments of spoiling himself with the amazement, a figure began approaching him.
This figure was surely a stallion from it’s large built, but it was somehow different. Titanium had seen Earth Ponies, Pegasi, and Unicorns before, but this pony didn’t look like either of those three. It seemed to be a combination of the three. Earth Pony stature, Unicorn horn, and Pegasi wings. He didn’t know what it was. The figure began walking closer to him. In fear, Titanium tried to move away from the figure. “P-Please don’t hurt me!” He shed quiet tears. The figure, in a deep, but calming voice spoke. “Hush, child. I am not here to harm you, but to help.” The figure was a stallion. He activated his Unicorn magic and lifted Titanium up with it. A deep blue light covered him as he was lifted. The light swallowed him. As the light faded away, Titanium’s wounds were healed and his health was restored, except for his eye. He was still blind in it, and a scar had formed. “What about my eye?” He asked the large stallion. “This will be a reminder. A reminder to be careful in this world and around all the dangers in it. Now, Titanium, I will change your appearance to make sure that those who did this will not recognize you.” The deep blue light lifted Titanium again and when it faded, Titanium’s fur had changed into a flesh-red tone, and his mane and tail had changed into smokey-grey shade. His left eye had changed into a color that would match his mane and tail, indicating that he was blind in it. After the change, Titanium looked at the stallion and asked one question. “Who are you?” The stallion’s smile shone threw the space. “I am King Cosmos, Father of the Universe.” Titanium smiled in great gratitude. “Thank you, King Cosmos. I won’t ever forget this.”
The door that Titanium had stepped in had reappeared behind him. “Go now, Titanium Charge. Live the rest of your life. Do what you can with it and don’t let anything bring you down, big or small.” King Cosmos had told him. “Write your Sad times in Sand; Write your Good times in Stone."The door began pulling Titanium into it. After he had been moved to the other side of the door, it closed. Titanium would never see King Cosmos again after what had just happened. He stood up and looked at what was now present day Las Pegasus. When he entered, it was only 2005. Now, it was 2010, mid-April. He examined his body and seen he had become bigger and felt stronger. 5 years had passed while he was in deep space with the King. He was now 13 years old. He began moving toward the bright city of Las Pegasus. He seen the bright signs of Casinos, Theaters, Pawn Shops, and the like. This was all new to him. Barely any of these were here when he left. He then remembered about the events that happened moments ago, or really, 5 years ago. He rushed to where his Uncle and Aunt’s house was located. When he arrived, the building he lived in for all his life was no longer standing. He had been torn down and was now flat land. He fell onto his flank and began sobbing.
All he knew was gone. His home, possessions, and most of all, his family. After a few hours of pitiful tears, he stood up and moved towards the the land where he once lived. He then noticed something sticking out of the ground. Normally in Las Pegasus, if there was something on the ground, someone would’ve picked it up and kept it for themselves. In this case, it had been different. He dug up what looked like an old trunk. He broke the rusted lock off with a quick strike of the hoof and opened the case. Inside was a cloth bag that had been tied close with a piece of string. He bit the string off and opened the bag. Inside was several piles of bits and a note. Titanium grabbed the note from the bag, opened it, and began reading. “To whom it may concern, you have found what remains of the Thunder/Charge family. We were a rather rich family, so all we can spare in our memory is what we kept with us, Bits. In the bag you will find 100,000 bits. May you put this money to your use and your use only. Sincerely, Oracle Thunder and Generate Charge." Titanium pulled the bag out of the trunk. and tied it around himself. He carried the bag with him all the way to the nearest train station in Las Pegasus.
>> No. 455598
...(cont. from above posts)

"Where to, Mister?" the ticket provider asked Titanium. "Ponyville. I need to get away from this place." Ponyville was always a dream location of Titanium’s. He heard about how it was so peaceful and serene. He wanted to start over there and begin his life anew. "Alright. That’ll be 20 Bits." Titanium nodded his head and pulled 20 Bits from the bag and placed it on the counter in front of the Ticket Provider. "Thank you, sir, and here you are. One ticket to Ponyville." Titanium took the ticket and headed for the train. The train had coincidentally arrived just as Titanium bought his ticket. "ALL ABOARD!" The conductor shouted. He handed the Conductor his ticket and boarded the train. He threw the train carts to find his seat. He found a seat secluded from the other ponies on the train. He placed the bag stuffed with bits underneath his seat, between his hind legs, so if anypony were to try and reach for it, he’d wake up before they could. He then thought to himself. "What do I do now? Live life like King Cosmos said? I dunno. This is all too much for me. I’m leaving behind everything I once loved. Well, if I do move in here, I’ll have to change my name. I don’t want those bastards coming after me. It would be meaningless to track them down. It won’t bring my family back. Maybe I should do something with my life. Yeah. That’s what I’ll do. Find something I’m good at and get great at it.” After the long train ride, Titanium had gotten off the train and headed to the nearest building, which was the Town Hall. He entered and looked for someone of high authority. He approached the mare receptionist at the center of the room, that was sitting behind a desk.
"Who can I talk to about a name change?" He asked the mare. "You can talk to me about that. I provide the small things like name changes, reservations, holiday location and themes, and the like. Would you like to change your name today, Sir?" She spoke in a happy, but old-fashioned tone, as if she had been doing this for a while. "Yes. I would like to change my name to…" he thought of a name. Something he would like to hear everyday. He was really into music and loved the northern areas that were cold. "…Boreal Symphony." He said with a smile. "Alright, I’ll just fill out this paper work and you’ll be all set." He sat in the waiting lounge as the receptionist filed all the paper work she needed to. "Wow…I’m actually doing it. I’m going to be living my life. This is where it all starts. After this, I begin my life. I’ll make friends, enemies, memories, and stories. Goodbye, Mother, Father, Uncle, Aunt, and the rest. May you rest in peace."
It had been 4 years later. Titanium Thunder, or now Boreal Symphony, is now 16 years of age. He had done so much in his life, just like he said he would. He had been living by the words that King Cosmos had spoken to him when he was young. "Write your Sad Times in Sand; Write your Good Times in Stone." These words helped him forget when bad times would creep around, and helped him remember when good times would spring up. He had made friends, enemies, memories, and stories, but he was still so young. The path before him was still long and rough. So much was and still is waiting out there for him. All he has to do now is go out there and do it. For Titanium Thunder is now dead, but Boreal Symphony has been born. This is his story. And his story will live on.

Last edited at Fri, Jul 4th, 2014 23:12

>> No. 455599
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This was honest to god my face.

Last edited at Fri, Jul 4th, 2014 17:00

>> No. 455600
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Don't change a god damn thing, this is beautiful. The subversion of expectations, oh, and the cameo from Katamari Damacy? Superb. It puts the biggest smile on my face, and I say that with complete sincerity. I'm sorry I was harsh on you, you really should have posted the entire story from the beginning!
>> No. 455603
Thank you guys.

Last edited at Fri, Jul 11th, 2014 10:51

>> No. 455615
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I like the character. You put a lot of thought into it and gave it a good story.

I'm kinda interested in what you plan on doing from here. Like are you gonna join a canon, make your own thread, or use this character for outside purposes?
>> No. 455657
I really plan on doing RP, but...not sure who would make any connections with this character.
>> No. 455670
Well, to see what you would like, I'd try and look in around in /rp/. The Donut Bar is open, so they'll take any characters and will be more than glad to rp with you. AOS is the canon that I help run. We're ask/invite, but that's just to keep the obviously ridiculous characters out. You'd be fine signing up there. Orion has higher standards than your usual rp for the most part. You really only need a good reason for going to space if you wanna rp there.

There are also other threads. You just have to look around and see what you'd like.
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